All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S05E01.WEB.TBS.en

(Cell phone rings)

Johnny: Kids! Your
mother's on the phone,

and it's her first day on set,

so let's all make sure we
keep her spirits high, okay?

Alexis, come on.

Mr. Rose, I think you should answer it.

Yeah, she's over there all by herself,

so it's gotta be stressful, right?

- I mean, the jet lag, and...
- Oh my God, answer the phone!

- That's why-that's why...
- Answer the phone, please!

Put her on speaker, how
do you put her on speaker?

- Arghhh!
- Speaker, speaker.

Yeah, hello? Moira?

- _
- Moira: John? Hello? Hello?

Moira? David, I don't
think she can hear me!

John, are you there?

Yeah, I'm here, everybody's here.

I expected to hear from you yesterday.

Kids, say hi to your mother.

- Hey.
- Hi...

- She-she's not my mother.
- Who are those voices?

Uh, your children!

Oh Alexis, do you have strep again?

- That was David!
- Is that Stevie?

Hi.

David! Oh, David, how's the store?

Any new customers, or
is it still friendless?

Okay, thank you.

And John, I know disoriented
you get in my absence.

Don't forget I left
you that Sudoku book.

Yeah, well, I haven't
needed it sweetheart,

because I've been up since 5:00am,

there's so much to do here at the motel.

But listen, how are you doing?

I mean, how does it feel
to be back in the saddle?

Oh John, there's a sweetness in the air,

and I'm not just saying that

because we shoot next
to a baklava factory.

(Snapping) Kids!

Do you wanna put those
magazines back, please?!

No. (Knock on door)

Excellent, Hamza!
Darlings, I must sign off.

I'm finally getting my
tete-a-tete with the director.

He's some up-and-coming pretty
young thing out of New York.

Well, sounds like your kind of people.

Yes! You come up with some real money,

you can attract the best.

Well, zbogom, John!

That's goodbye in the mother tongue!

Okay, well, I'll sign
off too, sweetheart.

Lots to do, but wishing
you an exciting...

(Call beeps off)

Okay, yep. Miss you, too.

She already hung up.

Oh! Burn, Dad!

Oh my God that's so embarrassing,

you must feel ridiculous.

You better remember
which nails you pulled

those wigs from, because your
mother keeps a spreadsheet.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

- David? Come here, please.
- (Gasps)

- I have a concern.
- Oh! Um, no.

Your natural deodorant isn't working.

Stop, David! No, come here.

- Sit!
- What?

- Um...
- What?!

I just wanted to make sure
that everything was okay

between you and Patrick.

Yeah! Why? Why? What did...
what did he say to you?

No, nothing. I just got...

scared when I saw your score
on this relationship quiz.

Oh my God!

Because according to M'Lady Magazine,

"How Electric is your Relationship" quiz

from summer 1991, you and Patrick

are "In Need of a
Generator!" Poor thing!

Okay, first of all,
it's Major Lady Magazine,

and second of all, that quiz is garbage.

Mm, totally, David.

This garbage quiz that it looks
like you took more than once.

Yeah, because it's rigged.
You could take it 1000 times

you'd still get the same outcome.

Oh, it's okay, David.

You and Patrick have
settled in to that like,

nine to five life, so
things are probably starting

to feel a little snooze-town.

You're dating a vet who
irons his polo shirts.

Um, Ted and I got
"Electrical Storm." So.

That's impossible. What
did you do to get that?

Did you plug your hairdryer
in with wet hands again?

Hey, that happened
twice David, let it go.

Sorry that we work hard
to keep the sparks flying.

That's disgusting.

We've actually started taking
every Friday afternoon off

to go on "adventure dates."

"Adventure dates" sound like
something a marriage counselor

would proscribe as a last resort.

Okay, fine... I was gonna see

if you guys wanted to
join us this afternoon,

but you probably have
more exciting things to do,

like put price tags on things, and...

It's merchandising day, actually.

Oh!

Where are you going, anyway?

Ted booked a tour of Elm Falls Park,

which is like, a super cute look for us.

Sounds dumb.

Fine, text me the information,

and I'll see if we're interested.

Oh! David? It could be worse.

You guys could be a
"Total Power Failure."

Mm! Eat glass.

(Door slams)

Caw! Caw! My teamster brethren!

Yes, it's me, if you can believe it!

(Dog barks)

(Woman laughs)

(Low hum of chatter)

(Knocks)

(Door latch clicks)

Okay, I told the producers

I would approve background on set.

Oh! And I shall tell them the same.

You must be Blaire. No last name.

Doctor Clara Beatrice
Mandrake at your service.

Middle name wasn't scripted,
but I've done my homework.

Okay. So, you're Rose, then?

Moira Rose. And I see
what's happening here.

Break me down just to build me up again!

Like Stan Kubrick did to Shelley.

Okay, I'm not really into games,

and I'm due on set in an hour,

so can whatever this
is can wait 'til then?

I imagine script revisions
might be something

you'd like to sign off on

before the first clap of the boards.

There's a problem with the script?

Well, just a few character adjustments.

(Laughs) I'm kidding.

The script's a total
dumpster fire, of course.

Hah! If the script were garbage,

I don't believe we'd have signed on.

It's an apocalyptic
fantasy about mutant crows.

I think we all know
what we're making here.

A timely allegory about prejudice.

- Okay, Maura, is it?
- Moira.

My last picture was a $50
million dollar studio project.

I think it's safe to say
that this is not that.

And what exactly is this to you, then?

A trip to Bora Bora.

I see. Bora Bora.

Caroline Kennedy once
called it the Atlantic City

of French Polynesia.

Okay, let's just cash our paychecks,

and pray no one ever sees this, yeah?

(Door slams)

(Dog barks)

(Door opens)
- Morning, Stevie.

I'm just here to submit
my letter of resignation.

Okay, you can just leave
it right here on the desk.

Well, I haven't actually written it yet.

But I guess I can just
dictate it to you right now.

Um, "To whom it may concern."

Sorry Roland, why
exactly are you quitting?

Well, I would rather quit
than come in here every day

and be humiliated!

I mean, I come to work,
and Johnny's out there

doing all my jobs!

Yeah, he's been... buzzing around

- ever since Mrs. Rose left.
- Yeah, exactly!

I mean, come on, what's next?

I go home and he's playing
strip backgammon with my wife?

(Laughs) Come on!

- No, don't talk to me.
- Yeah.

I-I mean, I look in the mirror

and it's Johnny's face
staring back at me?

Got it, Roland. I'll talk to him.

Okay, well, I'll go with you.

Oh, look! This guy's
wearing a work shirt.

He's even copping my look now!

(Scoffs)

Uh...

What ya doin' there, Mr. Rose?

Oh, I noticed there was a bit
of blockage in the gutters.

But um...

Roland's in charge of doing the gutters.

Yeah, I'm the gutter guy, Johnny.

Everybody knows I'm the gutter guy!

Well, it was on the
to-do list for today.

Yeah, it was on my to-do list!

What are you gonna do
next, the bathrooms?!

No, I haven't done the bathrooms.

Jeez, I wouldn't mind
if he did the bathrooms.

Uh, is everything okay, Mr. Rose?

Yeah, never felt better.
I feel invigorated!

Well, maybe you can move
on to cleaning the windows,

and give Roland his job back?

Well, I've already done the windows.

It looks like Roland might
have to find some other work.

Oh jeez. Find some other
work, do you hear him?

What's gonna happen next?
I go to my dermatologist,

and Johnny's there
getting my moles checked?

Stevie: Point made Roland, thank you.

(Bell on door jingles)

(Soft Jazz music plays)

- Oh hi.
- Hi.

Have I ever told you how
sexy it is to walk in here

and see you doing um...

inventory?

And wearing those little
rubber thimbles on your fingers?

They help me flip the pages easier.

Hot. Hot sex.

You know what else is hot and sexy?

Doing something
spontaneous this afternoon.

Ooh, like what?

You helping me with the inventory?

Yes. Or...

taking the afternoon off.

Mixing up the nine to five.

Okay...

well, nine to five are our store hours.

So it's kinda hard to
build customer loyalty

when your store is just like,
spontaneously open or closed.

Yeah. Anyway, it turns out

Alexis's relationship is in trouble.

- What?
- Yeah, I know.

Struggling. She practically
begged us to join them

at the park this afternoon,

probably for emotional support.

Wow, we just saw them,
they seemed totally fine.

I know. Yeah.

Well, they're in need of a generator,

if you know what I mean.

Well, I don't, but uh...

if you think it'll help a bad situation,

I guess we could duck
out a little early today.

It will just mean we'll
have to start early tomorrow.

Mhmm.

You know, it's that unshakable
sense of responsibility

that... makes me wanna just...

rip those little rubber things,

and... burn 'em in a fire.

(Laughs)

(Groans)

Johnny: Twyla, can I get a
lunch special to go, please?

- Sure.
- Okay.

Oh! So no one thought to tell me

about the team lunch today?

Oh, we tried.

You just couldn't hear us over
the sound of the lawnmower.

Yeah, lawnmower, as in mowing the lawn,

which is also my job.

Am I supposed to be reading
between the lines here?

Well, I think we were just
wondering if maybe the fact

that you're so
invigorated to work lately

is because Mrs. Rose is gone,

and you're trying to fill a...

Fill a big, black
empty hole in your life.

Is that pretty much what you
were trying to say there, Stevie?

Maybe not quite like that, but...

Okay, if you're suggesting...
that my work ethic

has anything to do
with... Oh, it's Moira!

I gotta to take this.

Moira, what's the good word?

Oh John, I'm afraid I've made
a grave error in judgment.

Oh sweetheart, I told you
not to drink the tap water.

If only! At this moment
an intestinal bacteria

would wreak less havoc on my career!

Well, I don't understand.

Everything was fine two hours ago.

John, you know me, I'm
never one to complain.

I didn't bat an eye when I
found out my accommodation

here was in actuality a
small "Bed or Breakfast."

They feed me at work, I'll take the bed.

So then what's the problem?

Our director appears to
be on a kamikaze mission

to sink this ship,

and I refuse to be the
goddess on its prow!

Well, if you're not enjoying
yourself anymore sweetheart,

then coming home is always an option.

I mean, you must be missing your family.

Oh, thank you, John, but that's not it.

This was supposed to
be my comeback vehicle,

and opportunities like this

come along ever so infrequently.

Well, Moira,

I feel the answer is
right in front of you.

This isn't some rinky-dink
made-for-TV movie,

or a voice gig for an X-rated
Japanese video game.

That-that was rated
"M" for "Mature," John.

All I'm saying is you
have an opportunity here.

And if you want it bad enough,
you've gotta fight for it.

You're right. You're right!

If Sandy Bullock hadn't fought

to keep the Speed Franchise alive,

we never would've had "Cruise Control".

John, thank you.

I would be lost without you.

(Kiss sound, beeps call off)

Me too.

Everything okay?

Yeah, everything's good, Stevie.

Everything's good. So
I'm gonna head back,

uh, but you can brainstorm
some things for Roland to do.

And if not, I have a window later,

so I can take the job on if you like.

Just so you're aware, Mr. Rose,

the special is cream of mushroom soup.

We don't actually have
to-go containers for that,

so I've just double-bagged it.

Would you like a spoon, or a straw?

(Birds chirp)

I have to say, David,
I'm a little shocked

that you agreed to do this,

I know how fearful you are of heights.

Hmm. Well, "fearful" makes me

sound like some Dickensian
orphan with a chronic illness.

It's more an aversion.

Yeah, do I wish that Alexis
was a little more specific

when she said we were coming to a park?

Uh maybe, but this, this is
gonna be fun, I think for us.

- You know?
- Yeah.

David, you look so cute under there!

Like a tiny toadstool man,

or a little acorn person, or something.

Hey! So glad you guys could make it!

I hope you didn't have to like,

rearrange your daily
schedule, or anything, hm?

Oh, no, no, no, we just agreed to finish

doing the inventory tomorrow.

Mm, that's a sensible decision.

Yeah.

They look like they're really
enjoying each other's company.

Yeah, they fake it well.

I actually did one of
these at summer camp.

Yeah, and I couldn't imagine
who wouldn't want to dangle

20 feet in the air on
a series of shaky logs.

It's actually closer to 30 feet, bud.

David's never done
anything like this before.

- Uh oh, we've got a virgin!
- Okay,

you might wanna talk to half
my birthright trip about that.

All right, do you wanna go first, babe?

- Hundred, babe.
- Oh okay, there we go!

Hey. Mm!

All right.

You feeling okay, David?

You're looking a little flushed.

No, just using a new tinted
moisturizer, that's all.

It's all right.

- I guess I'll go.
- (Laughs) All right!

This will be a fun adventure for us.

Yes...

Get the clip off, and
you're ready to go.

- Babe!
- Whoa, great job, babe!

David!

David!
- Stop!

(David whimpers)

None of my phone chargers are working!

I ask for a pressed juice,

and all I get are blank stares.

Look, I just find it hard to believe

that this was the best
gig you could've gotten me.

Get my days down! Yeah. Hi.

- Hello, again.
- Hi.

I was hoping this might
be an opportune moment

to discuss the quagmire

in which you fancy yourself ensnared?

The what to the what now?

I suspect you're viewing
this enterprise as a barrier

rather than a gateway to
the future of your career.

Yeah, you really don't have to worry

- about the future of my career.
- Is that so?

Because I did a little "Ask Jeeves-ing,"

and you, Sir, were recently cut loose

from a high-profile blockbuster.

We had artistic differences.

You were the artist, and
they were indifferent!

Yes, well, nothing is a
sure thing in this business.

Nothing is a sure thing.

Which is why you should
look at every opportunity

as a pearl in an un-shucked oyster.

I would hardly call this an opportunity!

I-I worked in soaps.

They had me play my own father,

who then became pregnant
despite the vasectomy.

I still hold the record
for the longest-running

demonic possession
on daytime television.

Okay, what's your point?

We were number one.

Every project has potential.

If you allow yourself to see it,

and give it the respect it deserves,

others just may follow suit.

Yeah, I really wouldn't know
where to start with this one.

Hmm, well, here are my revisions.

If you care to discuss them,

I'll be running lines in the nest.

(Blaire sighs heavily)

Hey Stevie, don't mind me.

Just coming in for a
quick cup of rocket fuel.

Nobody drinks that
rocket fuel, Mr. Rose.

I know it tastes like something I found

in that gutter out there, but uh...

it's the pick-me-up I need to
finish reorganizing the shed.

(Exasperated sigh)

You're reorganizing the shed?

That's not on the
calendar 'til next week.

Yeah well, with my evenings free,

I mean, normally at this time

Moira and I are deciding
on dinner plans, but uh...

Okay, Mr. Rose,

I know I might be overstepping here,

but I... just wanted you to know

that it's okay to miss your wife.

No, it's just an adjustment, that's all.

I mean, we're making
adjustments all the time.

Yesterday I couldn't drink
this coffee, and now...

we've been serving this
to guests the whole time?

Mr. Rose,

I-I hope that someday I find someone

who I can stand long enough

to feel a little lost
when they're not around.

(Sighs heavily)

I'm exhausted.

Eight days, Stevie.

That's the longest we've gone
without seeing each other.

No matter where we were,

and... yeah, we've managed to keep it up

for almost 40 years.

Well, see?

It makes sense that you're a little

out of sorts without her.

I'll tell you what's
not out of sorts anymore,

that shed! (Chuckles)

Yeah well, now that
you're done with the shed,

maybe you could start sharing
the jobs with Roland again?

Yeah well, you're right, Stevie,

and I will call Roland.

It's just I'm so tired

From all the work I've been doing,

so I'm thinking...

maybe you could...

No, it's just not my job.

Right.

Patrick: You can do this, David!

Just one step at a time!

You're looking pretty
shaky there, David.

I really hope we didn't
"rope" you into something here.

Alexis: Hey David, just
pretend you're in like,

a super dangerous
walk-and-turn sobriety test.

Okay, I don't like this!

Okay well then, just turn around!

Why would he agree do this
when he's afraid of heights?

He's not afraid of heights,

He's afraid of moths and butterflies.

And businesswomen in sneakers.

Okay, I can hear you!

And also heights,

something to do with him being
broken up with while he was...

Parasailing in the Seychelles!

He and Anderson Cooper were
stuck up there for like,

three hours, until the wind died down.

I totally forgot! Argh!

- I'm sorry, David!
- Aah!

I'm sorry, you were
right, the quiz was rigged.

- What?!
- What quiz?

Okay, David took this relationship quiz,

and it said that his
relationship was like,

in need of some excitement.

- What?!
- David, I lied!

I took the quiz like, 15 times.

"In Need of a Generator" is like,

the only answer you can get.

Oh my God!

Okay, I don't know what this is about,

but this generator is running smoothly.

So we're doing all of
this so that you can prove

our relationship is exciting?

I failed the stupid quiz,

and Alexis made me feel bad about it.

David, you're basically 40 years old,

I shouldn't be able to make
you feel bad about anything.

I love our relationship.

I love it when you order me pizza.

I love when you use
words like inventory!

I even love those stupid rubber things

you put on your fingers,

'cause you think they
flip the pages faster.

They don't flip the pages faster.

They don't flip the pages faster!

- Okay...
- I'm so sorry!

We're gonna talk about
the fact that we missed

half a day of work to make this happen,

But you did just do a tree
walk 30 feet in the air for us.

- Yes, I did.
- Both: Muah!

- (Tired exhale)
- All right, guys,

that's one rope down,
seven courses to go.

- Hey.
- Don't touch me.

No.

***

Soon we will walk once more
walk amongst the humans.

But until that day
comes, we must remember,

the crows don't just have eyes...

we also have wings!

Caaaaw! Awk! Caw! Caw!

- Cut! Cut.
- (Buzzer sounds)

Let me guess, he didn't
like the rewrites,

I don't know why,

or really, even how,

but something about this actually works.

Oh. All right then, then um...

might I ask why did
we interrupt that take?

Right, so at this point Moira,

I'm gonna have a bunch of digital birds

sort of circling around you,

so if you can just be aware of them.

Yes. Aye, Captain. Note taken.

Let's pick it up from there.

In terms of my eye-line,

how many birds am I clocking?

And of them, how many are mutants?

Okay, winging it.

Action!

(Gravelly and shrill)
Listen to me... aaawk!

The day will come when we
are no longer social outcasts!

I am but a tail-feather
away from finding the cure.

So please...

quiet your caws

so that we may take up our cause...

redemption!

Redemption!

Awk! Awk! Ahaaa!

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --