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1
00:00:05,327 --> 00:00:09,684
(DRAMATIC "2001"-TYPE MUSIC)
2
00:01:03,727 --> 00:01:05,797
# To Ganymede and Titan,
Yes, sir, I've been around... #
3
00:01:05,887 --> 00:01:10,005
Lister, have you ever been hit
over the head with a welding mallet?
4
00:01:10,647 --> 00:01:13,207
No? Stop that and push the trolley.
5
00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:15,486
Yes, sir, Rimmer!
6
00:01:16,207 --> 00:01:19,085
Right. Corridor 159.
7
00:01:19,167 --> 00:01:22,159
(LISTER HUMS THE SAME TUNE)
8
00:01:23,407 --> 00:01:24,840
Lister, shut up!
9
00:01:24,927 --> 00:01:26,997
- I'm only humming!
- Well, don't.
10
00:01:31,687 --> 00:01:35,839
Don't hum and don't make
stupid sounds with your cheeks.
11
00:01:35,967 --> 00:01:38,720
(CLICKS TUNE WITH HIS THR0AT)
12
00:01:38,887 --> 00:01:42,880
0ne more sound, anything,
and you're on report, my laddo.
13
00:01:42,967 --> 00:01:44,685
What job number's this?
14
00:01:44,847 --> 00:01:47,839
(LISTER MIMES HIS ANSWER)
15
00:01:49,327 --> 00:01:50,999
Right! That's it!
16
00:01:51,407 --> 00:01:53,443
"Lister, D., Third Technician.
17
00:01:53,527 --> 00:01:57,281
"0ffence: Obstructing a superior technician
18
00:01:57,367 --> 00:02:00,245
"by humming, clicking and being quiet."
19
00:02:01,767 --> 00:02:03,644
When the Captain sees this, you're dead.
20
00:02:03,807 --> 00:02:05,923
- Rimmer, I'm bored!
- Bored?!
21
00:02:06,007 --> 00:02:08,157
This is essential routine maintenance.
22
00:02:08,247 --> 00:02:12,843
It's absolutely vital for the well-being
of this crew, this mission and this ship.
23
00:02:13,527 --> 00:02:18,078
"Dispenser 172: Chicken soup nozzle clogged."
24
00:02:21,567 --> 00:02:23,558
Pass me a 14B, Lister.
25
00:02:28,167 --> 00:02:30,123
Lister, is this a 14B?
26
00:02:30,207 --> 00:02:33,244
Does it look even remotely like a 14B?
27
00:02:35,727 --> 00:02:38,560
This is a 14B, Lister.
28
00:02:38,687 --> 00:02:41,520
This is a 14F. Are you blind?
29
00:02:41,687 --> 00:02:43,917
- Who cares?
- I care, Lister!
30
00:02:48,527 --> 00:02:51,121
It's my career. I get it in the neck
31
00:02:51,207 --> 00:02:53,437
if an officer comes along, orders chicken soup,
32
00:02:53,527 --> 00:02:58,601
and gets blackcurrant cordial
with blancmange, two creams and a sugar.
33
00:02:59,887 --> 00:03:03,038
Chicken soup.
(THE MACHINE HUMS)
34
00:03:08,407 --> 00:03:10,523
Yep. That's working.
35
00:03:11,087 --> 00:03:13,760
It's stupid, all this maintenance business.
36
00:03:13,847 --> 00:03:16,964
The only reason they don't give
this job to the service robots
37
00:03:17,047 --> 00:03:18,958
is they've got a better union than us.
38
00:03:19,047 --> 00:03:21,003
That is absolute nonsense.
39
00:03:21,087 --> 00:03:23,078
Right. What's next?
40
00:03:23,167 --> 00:03:25,237
"Botanical gardens: Faulty porous circuit.
41
00:03:25,327 --> 00:03:28,125
"In corridor 147: Sticking door."
42
00:03:29,087 --> 00:03:31,078
It's true, you know, though, Rimmer.
43
00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:33,556
You rank below all four of those service robots.
44
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,797
Even the one that's gone absolutely mad.
45
00:03:35,967 --> 00:03:38,845
Not for long, matey. Up, up, up!
That's where I'm going!
46
00:03:39,007 --> 00:03:40,998
Not till you pass your engineer's exam.
47
00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:43,157
And you won't. You'll go in and flunk again.
48
00:03:43,367 --> 00:03:47,599
Last time I only failed
by the "narrowest" of narrow margins.
49
00:03:47,767 --> 00:03:50,076
You what? You walked in there, wrote,
50
00:03:50,167 --> 00:03:52,886
"I am a fish," 400 times,
51
00:03:52,967 --> 00:03:55,083
did a funny little dance, and fainted.
52
00:03:55,167 --> 00:03:58,125
- That's a total lie!
- No, it's not! Petersen told me.
53
00:03:58,247 --> 00:04:00,078
"No, it's not! Petersen told me."
54
00:04:00,167 --> 00:04:03,603
What I did was, I wrote
a discourse on porous circuits
55
00:04:03,687 --> 00:04:06,963
which was simply
too "radical", too "unconventional",
56
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:08,924
too "mould-breaking" for the examiners.
57
00:04:09,087 --> 00:04:11,203
Yeah. You said you were a fish.
58
00:04:12,087 --> 00:04:15,363
- Is that a cigarette you're smoking?
- No, it's a chicken.
59
00:04:15,527 --> 00:04:19,918
Right! You're on report.
Two times in as many minutes, Lister!
60
00:04:20,487 --> 00:04:22,398
- Rimmer, Lister.
- Yes, sir.
61
00:04:22,487 --> 00:04:24,603
Yo, Todhunter, get down!
62
00:04:24,927 --> 00:04:28,397
Indeed. Rimmer, I'm going
through Mclntyre's artifacts,
63
00:04:28,487 --> 00:04:33,277
and I see that you've filed
247 complaints... against Lister.
64
00:04:33,447 --> 00:04:38,840
- Yes, sir!
- 123 counts of insulting a superior,
65
00:04:38,927 --> 00:04:41,805
39 counts of dereliction of duty,
66
00:04:41,887 --> 00:04:43,764
84 counts of insubordination,
67
00:04:43,847 --> 00:04:46,600
- and one count of mutiny.
- Yes, sir!
68
00:04:46,767 --> 00:04:49,327
- Mutiny, Lister?
- I stood on his toe.
69
00:04:49,487 --> 00:04:52,923
- Maliciously, with intent to wound.
- It was an accident!
70
00:04:53,087 --> 00:04:56,363
How is it possible to stand
on one small toe by accident?
71
00:04:56,447 --> 00:04:59,280
You didn't stand on my toe,
you stood on my entire foot,
72
00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:02,006
obstructing a superior in pursuit of duty.
73
00:05:02,167 --> 00:05:04,601
He was going to snap my guitar in half!
74
00:05:04,767 --> 00:05:07,839
So you leapt from the top bunk
onto the whole of my right foot.
75
00:05:08,007 --> 00:05:10,237
- That's enough.
- Had there been a crisis,
76
00:05:10,327 --> 00:05:11,919
I would have had to hop,
77
00:05:12,007 --> 00:05:14,316
putting the ship at risk, therefore mutiny.
78
00:05:14,487 --> 00:05:16,955
- Finished?
- I'm not vindictive,
79
00:05:17,047 --> 00:05:18,799
so I won't apply for the death penalty.
80
00:05:18,887 --> 00:05:20,878
There are 169 people on this ship.
81
00:05:21,047 --> 00:05:24,278
You, Rimmer, are over one man.
Why can't you two get on?
82
00:05:24,447 --> 00:05:27,917
I try, sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.
83
00:05:28,007 --> 00:05:30,521
I try to respect Rimmer, but it's not easy.
84
00:05:30,607 --> 00:05:32,245
He's such a smeghead.
85
00:05:33,527 --> 00:05:36,599
Did you hear that, sir?
Lister, do you have any conception
86
00:05:36,687 --> 00:05:39,963
of the penalty for calling
a superior technician a smeghead?
87
00:05:40,127 --> 00:05:44,279
0h, Rimmer. You ARE a smeghead.
88
00:05:45,287 --> 00:05:48,597
You heard that! With respect, sir,
your career's finished, you big lig!
89
00:05:53,207 --> 00:05:57,280
We are gathered today
to pay our last respects to George Mclntyre.
90
00:05:57,367 --> 00:05:59,881
George was an excellent officer
91
00:05:59,967 --> 00:06:02,356
and as good a friend as one could hope for.
92
00:06:02,447 --> 00:06:05,678
He'll be missed more deeply
than he could ever know.
93
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:09,555
Now, I commend his ashes
to the stars he loved so much.
94
00:06:11,887 --> 00:06:14,447
Goodbye, George, we'll miss you.
95
00:06:16,527 --> 00:06:18,324
(WH00SH)
96
00:06:19,687 --> 00:06:23,805
This is a piece of music
he requested. Start the tape, please.
97
00:06:23,887 --> 00:06:28,756
# See you later, alligatorIn a while, crocodile... #
98
00:06:29,727 --> 00:06:31,638
There goes Mclntyre.
99
00:06:31,727 --> 00:06:34,764
#... so longl Goodbyel #
Goodbye George.
100
00:06:35,287 --> 00:06:39,678
- That was George!
- I thought it was Mary Queen of Scots!
101
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,280
0ff!
102
00:06:41,447 --> 00:06:43,961
- I was watching that!
- Tough!
103
00:06:44,607 --> 00:06:49,078
You touch that guitar and I'll
remove the E string and garrotte you.
104
00:06:49,167 --> 00:06:53,001
Can I do anything? Is it 0K
if I breathe? Can I breathe?
105
00:06:55,167 --> 00:06:57,840
I have an exam tomorrow and I intend to pass.
106
00:06:58,007 --> 00:06:59,998
By cheating.
107
00:07:00,167 --> 00:07:03,204
This is not cheating!
It is merely an aid to memory.
108
00:07:03,287 --> 00:07:05,403
It helps me marshal the facts at my command.
109
00:07:05,487 --> 00:07:08,684
What? Copying entire textbooks onto your body?
110
00:07:08,767 --> 00:07:11,918
Hand your body in and let them mark that!
111
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:16,083
Do you think it is easy for someone
like me to become an officer?
112
00:07:16,167 --> 00:07:18,283
Who wasn't Academy educated?
113
00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:22,360
Who didn't have the right
nobby background or the right parents?
114
00:07:22,527 --> 00:07:25,644
Not the right parents? Whose did you have?
115
00:07:26,767 --> 00:07:28,962
MY parents. The wrong parents.
116
00:07:29,047 --> 00:07:32,437
If you can't pass fair and square, why bother?
117
00:07:32,567 --> 00:07:35,445
You would, Lister,
because you've no ambition, no drive.
118
00:07:35,527 --> 00:07:37,882
You're content to be the lowest rank on the ship.
119
00:07:38,047 --> 00:07:41,926
I'm not the lowest rank.
What about the laboratory mice?
120
00:07:42,007 --> 00:07:44,965
Tell the mice to do something
and they've got to jump to it.
121
00:07:45,047 --> 00:07:48,039
"Yes, Mr Lister, sir! Eee, eee, eee."
122
00:07:48,407 --> 00:07:50,716
Lister, you are a nothing.
123
00:07:50,807 --> 00:07:52,525
I'm not. I've got me plan.
124
00:07:52,687 --> 00:07:56,236
What, to be the slobbiest entity
in the entire universe?
125
00:07:56,407 --> 00:07:59,046
No. Me Five Year Plan.
126
00:07:59,127 --> 00:08:02,437
I'm going to do two more trips.
I've been saving up all me pay...
127
00:08:02,527 --> 00:08:04,757
- Since when?
- Since always.
128
00:08:04,847 --> 00:08:08,237
That's why I don't buy
soap, deodorant, socks or suchlike.
129
00:08:08,327 --> 00:08:11,160
I'm going to buy myself a little farm on Fiji
130
00:08:11,247 --> 00:08:14,159
and I'm going to get a sheep
and a cow and breed horses.
131
00:08:17,407 --> 00:08:20,683
- With a sheep and a cow?
- No, with horses and horses.
132
00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:23,759
- 0n Fiji?
- Yeah! The prices are unbelievable.
133
00:08:23,927 --> 00:08:25,963
Yes, because of a volcanic eruption,
134
00:08:26,047 --> 00:08:28,277
now most of Fiji is three feet below sea level!
135
00:08:28,447 --> 00:08:30,438
It's only three feet. They can wade.
136
00:08:31,767 --> 00:08:34,759
That's why the animals are
gonna have to be quite tall.
137
00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:39,238
Nice plan, Lister! Excellent plan!
Brilliant plan, Lister!
138
00:08:39,487 --> 00:08:42,843
What about the sheep? Buy them water wings?
139
00:08:43,447 --> 00:08:45,244
Fit them with stilts?
140
00:08:45,327 --> 00:08:49,525
Cross-breed them with dolphins
and have leaping mutton!
141
00:08:49,607 --> 00:08:52,804
Baa, spoosh, baa, spoosh.
142
00:08:53,447 --> 00:08:56,041
You can get a drainage grant these days.
143
00:08:56,207 --> 00:08:59,199
Why bother?
Be the first to produce wet-look knitwear!
144
00:09:00,287 --> 00:09:04,326
This is why I never said anything
to you, I knew you'd be like this.
145
00:09:04,487 --> 00:09:07,126
You have got the brain of a cheese sandwich.
146
00:09:07,207 --> 00:09:09,198
(Y0KEL V0ICE) "Mornin', Farmer Lister!
147
00:09:09,287 --> 00:09:13,405
"Just popping to the shops in my submarine.
Can I buy you anything?"
148
00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:18,446
The "Welcome Back George Mclntyre"reception is starting.
149
00:09:18,607 --> 00:09:20,404
Everybody is invited,
150
00:09:20,567 --> 00:09:23,957
especially those who weren'table to attend his funeral.
151
00:09:43,847 --> 00:09:47,442
- Have you seen Rimmer's arm?
- No, I'm waiting for the paperback!
152
00:09:49,687 --> 00:09:51,882
Petersen, have you got a coin?
153
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:56,641
Watch this great new intelligence test.
154
00:09:56,727 --> 00:09:59,605
What you gotta do is force
the coin onto your forehead.
155
00:09:59,687 --> 00:10:04,841
The more times you bang yourself on the head
without it falling, the more intelligent you are.
156
00:10:04,927 --> 00:10:08,044
- You gonna go for it?
- (ALL) He's going for it!
157
00:10:08,127 --> 00:10:11,085
- Are you ready? Can you feel it?
- Yeah!
158
00:10:11,167 --> 00:10:13,840
Can you feel it? Go!
159
00:10:13,927 --> 00:10:16,760
(ALL) Go on! Go for it!
160
00:10:16,967 --> 00:10:18,719
(ALL) Brrr... brrr... brrr.
161
00:10:18,927 --> 00:10:22,078
- Brrr... brrr... brrr...
- Sh! Sh!
162
00:10:24,407 --> 00:10:27,717
Folks, today is a day for both sadness and joy.
163
00:10:27,807 --> 00:10:31,561
Sadness for the passing away of George, and joy,
164
00:10:31,647 --> 00:10:35,037
because George is back... albeit as a hologram.
165
00:10:35,127 --> 00:10:39,723
You may not have travelled with a hologram
before - just treat him as a normal man,
166
00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:42,879
because he is in every respect like George.
167
00:10:42,967 --> 00:10:46,721
He has George's personality,
knowledge and his experience.
168
00:10:46,807 --> 00:10:49,480
He can't lift or touch anything,
169
00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:52,365
so I ask you to cooperate with his requests.
170
00:10:52,447 --> 00:10:55,564
Please take care not to walk through him,
171
00:10:55,647 --> 00:10:57,638
not even when you're in a hurry.
172
00:10:57,807 --> 00:11:01,277
(ALL) Whoa! Whoa! Speech! Speech!
173
00:11:05,487 --> 00:11:10,641
I want to thank everybody
for giving me such a marvellous funeral.
174
00:11:10,727 --> 00:11:12,718
I've just seen the vid.
175
00:11:12,887 --> 00:11:15,845
And I want to thank the Captain
for his beautiful eulogy.
176
00:11:16,047 --> 00:11:17,799
Beautiful.
177
00:11:17,967 --> 00:11:20,435
But why didn't he use the one I wrote?!
178
00:11:23,607 --> 00:11:27,520
This must seem pretty spooky for everyone,
179
00:11:27,607 --> 00:11:31,998
but I don't want you to think
of me as someone who's dead,
180
00:11:32,087 --> 00:11:35,716
more as someone who's no longer
a threat to your marriages.
181
00:11:38,047 --> 00:11:39,560
Joe knows what I mean.
182
00:11:43,167 --> 00:11:48,082
As you know, Holly's only
capable of sustaining one hologram.
183
00:11:48,167 --> 00:11:52,240
So, my advice to anyone
more vital to the mission than me is:
184
00:11:52,327 --> 00:11:54,158
If you die, I'll kill you.
185
00:11:59,327 --> 00:12:02,444
Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake.
186
00:12:08,807 --> 00:12:10,798
Flight Coordinator George Mclntyre.
187
00:12:10,967 --> 00:12:12,639
(ALL) George!
188
00:12:12,727 --> 00:12:15,287
(S0ME0NE GARGLES)
189
00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:23,445
0K. Just one thing before the disco.
190
00:12:23,527 --> 00:12:26,599
Holly has sensed a non-human life form aboard.
191
00:12:27,007 --> 00:12:28,679
Sir, it's Rimmer!
192
00:12:28,847 --> 00:12:32,476
We don't know what it is, Lister.
So just be careful, 0K?
193
00:12:32,647 --> 00:12:34,444
I'm turning you in, Rimmer.
194
00:12:34,527 --> 00:12:36,757
(GR0UP) 0oooh!
195
00:12:38,487 --> 00:12:40,842
They're bound to ask the right thigh,
196
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:42,645
which is 10%.
197
00:12:42,727 --> 00:12:46,322
They must ask the left thigh, which is 20%.
198
00:12:46,407 --> 00:12:49,046
They've got to ask one of the forearms.
199
00:12:49,207 --> 00:12:52,517
Which means I've passed already!
The left shin's a bonus!
200
00:12:54,727 --> 00:12:58,083
Right. Cutie: Current under tension is...
201
00:12:58,167 --> 00:13:00,965
What's this? Current under tension is equal?
202
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:03,925
Current under tension is expandable?
203
00:13:04,007 --> 00:13:06,475
Current under tension is expensive?
204
00:13:06,567 --> 00:13:10,640
What does this mean?
What does any of this mean?
205
00:13:10,727 --> 00:13:13,605
I've covered my body in complete and utter
206
00:13:13,687 --> 00:13:17,077
and total absolute nonsense gibberish!
207
00:13:17,167 --> 00:13:21,285
Aaaargh! Just relax, relax, relax, relax...
208
00:13:22,407 --> 00:13:25,444
Er, plus 20% of the ship's course minus
209
00:13:25,527 --> 00:13:29,076
the Pythagoras theorem
multiplied by two over the x axis
210
00:13:29,167 --> 00:13:31,237
minus one equals the total
velocity of Red Dwarf,
211
00:13:31,327 --> 00:13:32,840
so I know about astro-engineering.
212
00:13:32,927 --> 00:13:35,395
Morning, Lister, for probably the last time.
213
00:13:36,287 --> 00:13:38,562
Got it all down, have you, Rimmer?
214
00:13:38,647 --> 00:13:40,763
Couple of blanks, but I think I'm there.
215
00:13:40,847 --> 00:13:43,361
So you can't remember anything?
216
00:13:43,487 --> 00:13:45,523
Think what you will, Lister.
217
00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:50,078
F-l-S-H, that's how you spell "Fish".
Then you just keel over.
218
00:13:50,167 --> 00:13:52,362
I'm sure it'll all come flooding back.
219
00:13:52,527 --> 00:13:55,599
Dry up, Lister.
(INTERC0M H0NKS)
220
00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:59,005
Entrants for the engineer's examination,
221
00:13:59,087 --> 00:14:01,123
make their way to the teaching room.
222
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:03,482
Well, Rimmer, honestly, good luck.
223
00:14:05,087 --> 00:14:09,399
It's all right, Lister.
I'm in complete and total control.
224
00:14:17,207 --> 00:14:19,960
Lock! Lock!
225
00:14:21,447 --> 00:14:23,483
(CAT MIA0WS)
226
00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:35,077
Frankenstein! Come on, Frankenstein!
227
00:14:41,927 --> 00:14:44,999
0h, you're getting really big now, you know?
228
00:14:45,087 --> 00:14:48,841
I hope it's not twins.
You've already got all me milk ration.
229
00:14:48,927 --> 00:14:52,886
When the baby cat comes,
we'll give it water and pretend it's milk.
230
00:14:52,967 --> 00:14:54,923
It's only a baby cat, it won't know, eh?
231
00:14:55,007 --> 00:14:57,680
Do you want to see my picture of Fiji, Frankie?
232
00:14:57,767 --> 00:15:00,235
You'll love it there. Look.
233
00:15:05,367 --> 00:15:07,597
0K. You've got three hours.
234
00:15:07,687 --> 00:15:10,759
No modems, no speaking slide-rules.
235
00:15:10,847 --> 00:15:13,281
Turn over and start. Good luck.
236
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:44,319
- Where's the Captain's office?
- Where it says, "Captain's 0ffice".
237
00:16:44,407 --> 00:16:47,558
- Where it's always been.
- So that's the Captain's office!
238
00:16:47,647 --> 00:16:50,115
- How are you, then?
- Fine.
239
00:16:50,207 --> 00:16:51,799
Do you know why he wants me?
240
00:16:51,887 --> 00:16:54,447
I think you've been promoted to Admiral!
241
00:16:54,527 --> 00:16:56,165
- 0h, yeah?
- Yeah.
242
00:16:56,247 --> 00:17:00,160
- For your devotion to duty.
- 0h, yeah.
243
00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:02,318
Lister!
244
00:17:06,127 --> 00:17:08,038
You asked to see me, Captain?
245
00:17:08,727 --> 00:17:12,925
- Where's the cat?
- What? What cat?
246
00:17:13,167 --> 00:17:16,443
Lister, not only are you so stupid
247
00:17:16,527 --> 00:17:18,677
you bring an unquarantined animal
248
00:17:18,767 --> 00:17:21,281
and jeopardise everyone on this ship...
249
00:17:21,367 --> 00:17:25,406
but you take a photo of yourself with the cat
250
00:17:25,487 --> 00:17:27,955
and have it internally processed.
251
00:17:29,247 --> 00:17:32,125
I'll ask you again, do you have a cat?
252
00:17:32,327 --> 00:17:35,080
- No.
- Have you got a cat?
253
00:17:35,247 --> 00:17:37,124
Er, yes, that one.
254
00:17:37,287 --> 00:17:39,278
- Where did you get it, Titan?
- Yes.
255
00:17:39,367 --> 00:17:42,006
Don't you realise
it could be carrying "anything"?
256
00:17:42,087 --> 00:17:45,079
Don't you remember what happened
on 0regon with the rabbits?
257
00:17:45,167 --> 00:17:48,204
Lister, a loose animal aboard
this ship could get anywhere.
258
00:17:48,287 --> 00:17:51,165
It could get into the air ducts or into Holly.
259
00:17:51,247 --> 00:17:54,205
A little nibble here
and a little nibble there, Lister,
260
00:17:54,287 --> 00:17:56,926
and suddenly, we're flying backwards.
261
00:17:57,007 --> 00:17:59,521
I want that cat, and I want it N0W.
262
00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:03,600
Sir, just suppose I did have a cat. Just suppose.
263
00:18:03,687 --> 00:18:05,996
What would you do with Frankenstein?
264
00:18:06,167 --> 00:18:09,955
Send it to the medical centre,
have it cut up and tests run on it.
265
00:18:10,127 --> 00:18:12,357
Would you put it back together, after?
266
00:18:12,967 --> 00:18:15,527
Lister, the cat would be dead.
267
00:18:15,647 --> 00:18:18,400
With respect, sir, what's in it for the cat?
268
00:18:18,567 --> 00:18:20,319
Give me that cat.
269
00:18:20,487 --> 00:18:24,196
It's not that easy. Me and the cat
are going to have a baby cat,
270
00:18:24,287 --> 00:18:27,165
and we're going to buy a farm on Fiji,
271
00:18:27,247 --> 00:18:29,807
with a sheep and a cow and three horses.
272
00:18:29,887 --> 00:18:34,324
It's me plan, and no one can get in the way,
not even you, and I do respect you.
273
00:18:34,527 --> 00:18:36,518
- Sir!
- Lister,
274
00:18:36,607 --> 00:18:40,520
do you want to go into stasis
and forfeit 18 months' wages?
275
00:18:40,607 --> 00:18:42,404
- No
- Hand over the cat?
276
00:18:42,487 --> 00:18:45,445
- No.
- Choose.
277
00:18:46,687 --> 00:18:50,965
- Dave, no one wants to do this.
- It's 0K, I can handle it.
278
00:18:52,607 --> 00:18:55,644
- Rimmer, are you all right?
- I can't really remember.
279
00:18:55,727 --> 00:18:57,718
I think I did quite well.
280
00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:03,085
- Is this going to hurt?
- Haven't you travelled interstellar?
281
00:19:03,167 --> 00:19:04,839
- No
- You don't feel a thing.
282
00:19:04,927 --> 00:19:07,725
The stasis room creates a static field of time.
283
00:19:07,807 --> 00:19:12,198
As X-rays can't pass through lead,
time can't penetrate a stasis field.
284
00:19:12,287 --> 00:19:14,801
Though you exist, you no longer exist in time,
285
00:19:14,887 --> 00:19:16,798
and for you time does not exist.
286
00:19:16,887 --> 00:19:20,243
You're still a mass, but no longer
an event in space-time,
287
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,966
a non-event mass
with quantum probability of zero.
288
00:19:23,047 --> 00:19:24,719
Simple, eh?
289
00:19:25,087 --> 00:19:27,840
- 0K, I'm ready.
- See you in 18 months.
290
00:19:29,447 --> 00:19:32,723
- Holly, activate the stasis field.
- 0K, Frank.
291
00:19:53,647 --> 00:19:57,322
Good morning, Dave. It is safefor you to emerge from stasis.
292
00:19:57,407 --> 00:20:01,195
- Haven't I just gone in?
- Go to the Drive Room for debriefing.
293
00:20:06,647 --> 00:20:08,638
Where is everybody, Hol?
294
00:20:08,727 --> 00:20:11,605
- They're dead, Dave.
- Who is?
295
00:20:11,687 --> 00:20:15,566
- Everybody, Dave.
- What, Captain Hollister?
296
00:20:15,647 --> 00:20:19,322
- Everybody's dead, Dave.
- What, Todhunter?
297
00:20:19,407 --> 00:20:23,639
- Everybody's dead, Dave.
- What, Selby?
298
00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:26,560
They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.
299
00:20:27,407 --> 00:20:31,002
- Petersen isn't, is he?
- Everybody is dead, Dave.
300
00:20:31,767 --> 00:20:35,555
- Not Chen?
- Gordon Bennetl Yesl Everybody.
301
00:20:35,647 --> 00:20:38,445
- Everybody's dead, Dave.
- Rimmer?
302
00:20:38,527 --> 00:20:42,520
He's dead, Dave. Everybody's dead.Everybody is dead, Davel
303
00:20:42,607 --> 00:20:46,998
Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
304
00:20:49,007 --> 00:20:50,998
I wish I'd never let him out.
305
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:54,796
- How?
- The drive plate was badly repaired.
306
00:20:54,887 --> 00:20:59,039
It blew, and the crew was subjectedto a lethal dose of cadmium 2
307
00:20:59,127 --> 00:21:00,765
before I could seal the area.
308
00:21:00,847 --> 00:21:05,204
0h, terrible. Why's it so dirty here, Hol?
What is this stuff?
309
00:21:05,287 --> 00:21:07,881
That is Catering Officer Olaf Petersen.
310
00:21:07,967 --> 00:21:11,721
Aaaah! I've been eating half the crew!
311
00:21:12,687 --> 00:21:15,201
- Who's that?
- That's Captain Hollister.
312
00:21:15,367 --> 00:21:18,439
- And that's Todhunter.
- No, Second Technician Rimmer.
313
00:21:18,607 --> 00:21:22,395
0h, yeah? I didn't recognise him
without his report book.
314
00:21:22,807 --> 00:21:24,843
Why was Rimmer in the Drive Room?
315
00:21:25,007 --> 00:21:28,682
He was explaining why he hadn'tsealed the drive plate properly.
316
00:21:28,847 --> 00:21:32,726
So wait on. How long was I in stasis?
317
00:21:32,807 --> 00:21:36,561
I couldn't release youuntil the radiation reached a safe level.
318
00:21:36,647 --> 00:21:39,366
- How long?
- Three million years.
319
00:21:39,527 --> 00:21:41,643
Three million years!
320
00:21:42,727 --> 00:21:44,957
I've still got that library book.
321
00:21:46,407 --> 00:21:49,205
What about Krissie?
Krissie Kochanski?
322
00:21:49,287 --> 00:21:51,926
- She's dead, Dave.
- Aw, hey!
323
00:21:52,087 --> 00:21:56,956
It's no consolation, but if she were still alive,the age difference would be insurmountable.
324
00:21:57,167 --> 00:21:59,920
She was part of me plan.
325
00:22:00,007 --> 00:22:03,522
I never told her, but she was
going to come with me to Fiji.
326
00:22:03,607 --> 00:22:06,360
She was to wear a white dress
and ride the horses.
327
00:22:06,447 --> 00:22:10,360
I was going to take care of everything else.
I planned it.
328
00:22:10,527 --> 00:22:13,087
She won't be much use to you on Fiji now...
329
00:22:13,167 --> 00:22:16,079
unless it snows and you need to grit the path.
330
00:22:19,527 --> 00:22:22,758
- Holly!
- Sorry. I'm sorry about that.
331
00:22:22,847 --> 00:22:26,442
I've been on me ownfor three million years. I say what I think.
332
00:22:26,607 --> 00:22:29,246
I've gone a bit peculiar, to tell the truth.
333
00:22:29,567 --> 00:22:32,320
So everyone's dead? I'm on me own? Just me?
334
00:22:32,407 --> 00:22:35,956
- Technically speaking, yes.
- What do you mean, "technically"?
335
00:22:38,647 --> 00:22:41,525
Hello, Lister. Long time no see.
336
00:22:41,687 --> 00:22:44,963
- Rimmer, you're a hologram!
- Yes. That's because I'm dead.
337
00:22:45,047 --> 00:22:48,562
Dead as a can of Spam.
And it's all thanks to you.
338
00:22:48,647 --> 00:22:52,356
- Me? What did I do?
- If you hadn't kept that stupid cat,
339
00:22:52,447 --> 00:22:56,565
and been sent to stasis, I would have had
help with the repairs and I wouldn't be dead.
340
00:22:56,647 --> 00:22:59,559
- What does it feel like?
- Death?
341
00:22:59,647 --> 00:23:02,525
It's like being on holiday
with a group of Germans.
342
00:23:02,927 --> 00:23:05,600
No, I mean being a hologram.
343
00:23:06,767 --> 00:23:10,237
Do you mind? Being a hologram is fine, Lister.
344
00:23:10,327 --> 00:23:13,524
I still have the same drives,
the same feelings, emotions,
345
00:23:13,607 --> 00:23:16,075
but I can't touch anything.
346
00:23:16,167 --> 00:23:19,159
Never again will I be able
to brush a rose against my cheek,
347
00:23:19,247 --> 00:23:21,636
cradle a laughing child,
348
00:23:21,727 --> 00:23:24,195
or interfere with a woman sexually.
349
00:23:24,687 --> 00:23:27,406
Rimmer, you never did those things anyway!
350
00:23:27,527 --> 00:23:30,519
- I would have one day, murderer.
- Hey, I didn't do anything!
351
00:23:30,607 --> 00:23:33,758
It was Y0U who didn't fix
the drive plates properly.
352
00:23:33,927 --> 00:23:36,043
- Is this me here?
- Yeah.
353
00:23:36,127 --> 00:23:38,800
Rimmer, look on the bright side.
354
00:23:38,887 --> 00:23:41,560
The bright side? What bright side?
355
00:23:41,647 --> 00:23:44,366
I'm dead. I'm composed entirely of light,
356
00:23:44,447 --> 00:23:48,884
and I'm alone with a man who'd lose
a battle of wits with a stuffed iguana!
357
00:23:49,087 --> 00:23:51,157
What's an iguana?
358
00:23:51,247 --> 00:23:54,125
Look, look, you're not dead, are ya?
359
00:23:54,207 --> 00:23:57,916
You're dead! But not "dead" dead,
'cause you're still here!
360
00:23:58,007 --> 00:24:01,716
Lister, I'm not really here!
I'm not really me! Don't you see?
361
00:24:01,807 --> 00:24:04,037
I'm a computer simulation of me.
362
00:24:04,127 --> 00:24:07,722
That's me, there,
a pile of albino mouse droppings.
363
00:24:07,807 --> 00:24:09,957
Come on. Lots of people have died.
364
00:24:10,047 --> 00:24:13,119
Lots have died and gone on
and done really, really well.
365
00:24:13,207 --> 00:24:15,482
You're a hologram. So what?
366
00:24:15,647 --> 00:24:19,242
I suppose you're right, Lister.
I've got to pull myself together.
367
00:24:19,327 --> 00:24:22,683
But you've got to help me.
Be my hands and my touch.
368
00:24:22,767 --> 00:24:25,884
I know what you like to touch.
No way, Rimmer. Forget it.
369
00:24:27,047 --> 00:24:28,924
Are you smoking? In the Drive Room?
370
00:24:29,087 --> 00:24:32,477
Yeah. I stopped for a while,
but I'm back on them now.
371
00:24:32,767 --> 00:24:34,758
You're on report, squire.
372
00:24:38,847 --> 00:24:41,680
I can't write it down. I'll remember it.
373
00:24:41,967 --> 00:24:45,516
0hhh! Rimmer, I know it's wrong
to speak ill of the dead and all
374
00:24:45,607 --> 00:24:48,440
- but you're still a smeghead.
- I beg your pardon?
375
00:24:48,527 --> 00:24:50,518
I said, you're still a smeghead.
376
00:24:50,607 --> 00:24:52,598
Do you have any conception of the penalty
377
00:24:52,687 --> 00:24:55,679
for calling a deceased
superior technician a smeghead?
378
00:25:07,807 --> 00:25:12,835
- Lister, listen to me. Just listen.
- Just shut up. Shut up.
379
00:25:19,967 --> 00:25:23,039
Aaahhh! Aow! Eeee!
380
00:25:23,127 --> 00:25:25,960
Aow, eee, how am I looking?
381
00:25:28,727 --> 00:25:32,356
Looking nice. No, wait a minute.
382
00:25:32,447 --> 00:25:35,598
I'm looking better than nice.
I'm looking dangerous.
383
00:25:35,687 --> 00:25:40,442
Aaaoooww. Dangerous! Aaaooowww!
Hey, what's that?
384
00:25:41,927 --> 00:25:45,840
0h, it's my shadow.
Hey, even my shadow's looking nice.
385
00:25:45,927 --> 00:25:49,761
I'm looking nice. My shadow's
looking nice. What a team!
386
00:25:49,847 --> 00:25:53,396
We are unbelievable! 0K, team, this way.
387
00:25:54,127 --> 00:25:57,517
No, this way. Aaaoowww...
388
00:25:57,607 --> 00:26:01,486
Aaaoowww, yeah. This way!
389
00:26:02,087 --> 00:26:04,123
Lister, hold on, listen to me...
390
00:26:04,407 --> 00:26:07,080
Aaaooowww!
391
00:26:08,847 --> 00:26:12,965
Uh, oh! Better make myself look big!
392
00:26:16,607 --> 00:26:20,122
Hee hee! Fearsome. I was fearsome!
393
00:26:20,207 --> 00:26:23,802
# just me and my shadow, ooohhh! #
394
00:26:23,887 --> 00:26:26,162
Come on, boy! # Walking down the... #
395
00:26:27,887 --> 00:26:32,961
Aaahhh! Holly, what was that?
396
00:26:33,727 --> 00:26:36,446
During the radioactive crisis,your cat and her kittens
397
00:26:36,527 --> 00:26:38,483
were safely sealed in the hold,
398
00:26:38,567 --> 00:26:40,398
breeding for three million years,
399
00:26:40,487 --> 00:26:45,163
- and evolved into what you just saw.
- I don't get it.
400
00:26:45,647 --> 00:26:48,605
- You know man evolved from apes?
- Yeah, I know that.
401
00:26:48,767 --> 00:26:51,804
He evolved from cats. His ancestors were cats.
402
00:26:51,887 --> 00:26:54,765
He descended from cats. He is a cat.
403
00:26:55,127 --> 00:26:58,836
Aaahhh, ooohhh, yeah...
404
00:26:59,367 --> 00:27:02,165
Hello... Cat?
405
00:27:02,367 --> 00:27:05,200
Whoa! Crease!
406
00:27:07,927 --> 00:27:11,124
Stand back, Lister.
(SH0UTS INC0HERENTLY)
407
00:27:17,847 --> 00:27:20,566
- Here you go, Cat.
- Ah, crispies!
408
00:27:20,647 --> 00:27:22,922
- Holly says you like these.
- Mmmm!
409
00:27:23,167 --> 00:27:25,476
Hey! You monkeys eat off the floor?
410
00:27:25,567 --> 00:27:28,843
Ain't you got no style or sophistication?
411
00:27:28,927 --> 00:27:31,202
I'm sorry, Cat. I'm sorry.
412
00:27:31,607 --> 00:27:33,598
You people are unbelievable.
413
00:27:37,047 --> 00:27:41,165
- Where are your catty friends?
- Good crispies, man!
414
00:27:41,247 --> 00:27:44,444
Where are your kitties? Are they gone?
Are they dead? Have they left?
415
00:27:44,607 --> 00:27:47,075
Who cares? I want it off the ship!
416
00:27:47,167 --> 00:27:50,398
No! He's coming home with us, aren't you, Cat?
417
00:27:50,487 --> 00:27:52,876
Home? And where is that?
418
00:27:53,047 --> 00:27:56,005
- Earth.
- Who says there'll be an Earth?
419
00:27:56,087 --> 00:27:58,647
Look what it's done to a pet
in three million years.
420
00:27:58,807 --> 00:28:01,002
What has humankind evolved into?
421
00:28:01,167 --> 00:28:04,876
To them, you'll be like the slime
that first crawled out the oceans.
422
00:28:05,047 --> 00:28:07,925
- I could smarten meself up.
- Nah, you're a dinosaur.
423
00:28:08,007 --> 00:28:11,602
- You're extinct, nothing.
- Hey! I've still got me plan.
424
00:28:11,687 --> 00:28:15,566
And I've still got a cat.
Not Frankenstein, but still a cat.
425
00:28:15,687 --> 00:28:17,598
- Did you say Frankenstein?
- Yeah.
426
00:28:17,687 --> 00:28:20,759
She was your great, great, great,
great, great, grandmother.
427
00:28:20,847 --> 00:28:24,806
The Holy Mother? The Virgin Birth?
No one believes that stuff.
428
00:28:24,887 --> 00:28:27,401
The Virgin Birth?!
429
00:28:27,487 --> 00:28:30,081
No, it was a big black tom on Titan.
430
00:28:30,247 --> 00:28:33,603
Frankenstein, yeah! I remember
that stuff from kitty school.
431
00:28:33,687 --> 00:28:37,566
The Holy Mother, saved by Cloister the Stupid,
432
00:28:37,647 --> 00:28:39,683
who was frozen in time,
433
00:28:39,767 --> 00:28:41,962
and gaveth his life that we might live.
434
00:28:42,047 --> 00:28:46,404
No! No, it's not Cloister, it's me, it's Lister!
435
00:28:46,487 --> 00:28:48,842
It's Lister the... stupid?!
436
00:28:50,007 --> 00:28:54,398
Who shall returneth to lead us
to Fuchal, the Promised Land.
437
00:28:54,487 --> 00:28:57,206
No, it's not Fuchal, it's Fiji!
438
00:28:57,287 --> 00:28:59,278
I will! I'll lead you there.
439
00:28:59,367 --> 00:29:03,838
That's where we're going.
Holly, plot a course for Fiji.
440
00:29:03,927 --> 00:29:07,681
Look out, Earth. The slime's coming home!
441
00:29:12,167 --> 00:29:15,955
# It's cold outside,
There's no kind of atmosphere
442
00:29:16,047 --> 00:29:19,278
# I'm all alone, more or less
443
00:29:19,367 --> 00:29:22,439
# Let me fly far away from here
444
00:29:22,527 --> 00:29:25,678
# Fun, fun, fun
445
00:29:25,767 --> 00:29:29,077
# In the sun, sun, sun
446
00:29:29,167 --> 00:29:32,682
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
447
00:29:32,767 --> 00:29:35,804
# Drinking fresh mango juice
448
00:29:35,887 --> 00:29:39,277
# Goldfish shoals, nipping at my toes
449
00:29:39,367 --> 00:29:41,358
# Fun, fun, fun
450
00:29:41,847 --> 00:29:45,726
# In the sun, sun, sun
451
00:29:45,807 --> 00:29:48,799
# Fun, fun, fun
452
00:29:48,887 --> 00:29:52,482
# In the sun, sun, sun #
37520
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