Original subtitles

Man with a Plan #405 "Couples Therapy" Closed Captioned

WOMAN: Let the life force flow through your...

What you doing?

I told you he'd be doing something weird.

Yeah. Where's Donny?

Adam's got big news.

Oh, he left for couples therapy again.

Thanks for helping me up, by the way.

So, what's the big news?

Lowell, I bought a boat.

We were leaving the lumber yard, and some guy was selling

his bass boat real cheap in the parking lot,

so I went for it.

There she is.

That's my boat.

How'd you get Andi to finally let you buy one?

Oh, I used a new strategy.

I didn't tell her.

And you're still married.

It's a mystery.

This is the only way it can work.

All right, I've brought up buying a boat in the past,

and Andi always shot me down.

Wives, our beloved life partners...

who take a flame thrower to our dreams.

My problem was it was always a hypothetical boat,

so I could never push it across the finish line.

Now that I've bought a boat,

I'm working from a place of fear.

You see, fear sharpens you.

Like, you can only run so fast.

But when a lion's chasing you,

you can run a little faster.

Not faster than a lion.

The boat's getting delivered Tuesday.

So I have a week to figure out how to get a yes from Andi.

You need to make Andi think it's her idea.

Wives always love their own ideas.

That's true, even if they're not good ones.

Like throw pillows.

Who needs a hundred pillows nobody sleeps on?

Our houses are full of damn pillows.

All right, so all I have to do

is get Andi to suggest a boat.

Then I just agree.

By next week we'll be seasick, sunburned

and peeing in a lake, like God intended.

It'll be like the old days when I used

to rent a boat to take you fishing.

Yeah, but better, because we'll own it.

Yeah. A boat is like a woman.

It doesn't feel right to pay for it by the hour.

All right, boy.

Look like a guy who really needs a boat.

I know what I'm doing.

I'm gonna walk her right into it.

(sighs) Boy...

what a day, oh.

Aw, honey, what's wrong?

Are you okay?

You know what I am?

Stressed!

That's what I am.

Well, I don't like that.

Is there anything I can do?

Well... maybe...

maybe it would help me to relax

if I did something,

uh, water-related.

You know, there are certain things a wife can do

to relieve her husband's stress.

Yeah, I know the things, Bev, thanks.

Uh, hey, if you like the water,

maybe you should take a walk around the lake.

That's not one of the things.

Although, you can do mine in a lake.

That's close.

Yeah, I like where you're headed with this lake thing.

You know who's relaxed?

Ducks.

What?

Oh, that's right, ducks.

You know, I bet it's because they're on the lake.

That's the key.

So how do you get a duck's life?

But I like being a person.

How much have you guys had to drink?

Wow.

Sorry we're late.

We were making out in the car like teenagers.

That's right, we would've gone all the way,

but there's a lot of looky-loos out there

walking their dogs. Mm-hmm.

See how she used her body to relax him?

That's what I was talking about.

Oh, my God!

We were just looking for ways to help me deal with stress.

You know, fishing around.

It's all hands on deck over here.

Maybe you should try couples therapy,

It's great.

No, that's not what I'm talking about.

Andi, that's not what I'm talking about.

Well, it really changed Don.

Yeah, it turned him into a Bee Gee.

I thought Marcy

wouldn't let you wear that silk shirt.

This is the real me.

Dr. Chuck says that Marcy was wrong

to control my fashion choices.

He's our therapist, and he made me realize

that when Don wears this shirt it's not supportive for me

to say that he looks like an unemployed pimp.

Well, Marcy, I think it is so healthy that you're working

on your relationship with your husband...

the roller rink DJ.

Here's Dr. Chuck's card.

You guys should give it a whirl.

Maybe she's right.

I mean, you might be stressed out

because there's something bottled up inside you.

Like a ship in a bottle!

No. No, no, no, no.

Therapy is not for guys like me.

All right, it's just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo

that doesn't do anything.

Tony Soprano did therapy.

And yet the murdering continued.

You know what might help me relax?

Singing. Yeah.

♪ Row, row, row your... ♪

Take it home, Andi.

Well, that went nowhere.

Andi wasn't even close to suggesting a boat.

She just thinks I got drunk and want to be a duck.

Marcy was right.

Take her to couples therapy.

No way.

Therapists always agree with the wife.

The first class you take in shrink school

is "Husbands: How to Put Their Nuts in a Box."

Dr. Chuck always sides with me.

Until he doesn't, and then it's boxed nuts.

You don't get it.

I met Chuck at the gym.

He's going through a bad divorce,

so he's pretty mad at wives.

When I heard he did couples therapy,

I locked that down.

The best part is Don's excited to go to therapy.

I could never get Adam to go.

Well, it's hard for me to open up, too,

but part of the therapy process is acknowledging that

I'm a flawed human being, and that's okay.

I could've told you that for free.

Anyway.

The thing I like most about therapy

is the honesty.

It's totally rigged.

Dr. Chuck could be your answer, Adam.

I say get on the Chuckwagon.

I'm not paying some quack 150 bucks

to do what I can do myself.

I still have a week-- I'll just use my brains

and charisma to get Andi on board.

So we're not getting a boat.

Don't underestimate me.

Superman can fly.

Batman has the Batmobile.

I can wear a woman down.

There she is.

I saved the last brownie for my beautiful bride.

What do you want, sex?

No. Well...

No, no. I'm just happy.

This is my idea of a perfect life.

Oh.

The only thing that would make it more perfect

would be if this couch was--

I don't know... a boat.

(groans) That's what this is about?

Well, yeah. Aw, man, can't we just have sex?

On a boat? Sure.

Yeah, we could just lay there

and let the water do the work.

Okay, we are not getting a boat.

All right, if you want something expensive that leaks,

let's just get another kid.

I know you're against it, but when I look out in the driveway

and don't see a boat there, it makes me wonder why

I'm even on this crazy blue ball!

Too much?

Come on, let's get a boat!

I'll even name it after you.

Probably.

Sorry, honey.

Okay, I didn't want to have to do this, but...

kids, could you come in here, please?

Would you tell Mommy why you're so sad all the time?

Because we don't have a boat.

Healthy children need fresh air.

I think a boat will keep me away from all those boys at school.

They only want one thing.

Sorry, honey, you're outnumbered.

I'm off to go shopping for the SS Maybe Andi.

We're not getting a boat.

Can we still go out for ice cream even though she said no?

You didn't even sell it.

You were Peter Pan in the school play.

Where was that magic?

(grunts)

You know, the oceans are rising.

I'm just wondering

how we're gonna survive without a-- No.

(groans)

Dr. Chuck, huh?

Well, you ain't cheating,

you ain't trying.

Honey, I know I'm driving you crazy with this boat talk,

but I can't help myself.

Maybe you're right.

We need to see Dr. Chuck.

You want to see a therapist?

Well, why not?

He's an impartial third party.

And if he agrees with you, I will drop the boat idea forever.

Wow! Um, o-okay. (laughs)

I'll make an appointment next week.

Sooner's better-- before Tuesday, for example.

Yeah, I got to say, Adam, I'm impressed.

Oh. I mean, ten years ago, you would've just

bought a boat and then lied about it.

(both laughing)

I can't believe Adam agreed to go to therapy.

Yeah, he has never been this open-minded.

Yeah, I might ride this wave

and see if I can get him to try quinoa.

Oh.

I'm making Joe go, too.

He has issues.

The man goes out to get the paper in his underwear.

The neighbors had a whole meeting about it.

Bev, are-are you meeting Joe's needs?

'Cause there's certain things a wife can do.

Why do you think he's in his underwear?

All right, let's get going, Bev.

I feel like fish sticks for dinner.

You want fish sticks, Joe? Yeah.

I want a husband who wears pants.

Is this about me

getting the paper again? I'm afraid so.

Well, the neighborhood ladies like it.

They had a whole meeting about it.

Okay, well, uh, I better get going, too.

I want to pick the perfect outfit for therapy.

Something that says that I'm willing to work on my faults,

but that I don't have any.

Well, I hope you like it more than I do.

I think I'm gonna stop going.

Wha-- What happened?

Whenever I bring up something crazy that Don did,

Dr. Chuck says it's my fault.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Did you tell him about the time that Don said he was going

to the car wash but he really went to Vegas for the weekend?

My fault because I was smothering him.

What? That doesn't make any sense.

Where did you find this doctor?

Oh, I didn't, Don did.

Don found him?

Yeah, I was proud of him.

He doesn't usually take the initiative.

Oh, my God. Marcy, wake up.

Chuck-- Chuck is a ringer.

What? Look,

Don obviously got some weirdo doctor

to tell you that you were wrong about everything.

I mean, is there any other explanation

for that Motown backup singer shirt?

(gasps) He is so gonna pay.

He wore that thing to church.

In front of God.

A-And now Adam is working the same scam

to get a boat.

(scoffs) Why am I surprised?

He was raised by a man

who wanders the streets in his underpants.

Oh...

This is exciting.

I can't wait to get in there and hash this all out,

see what Dr. Chuck thinks about the boat.

Hey. You seem confident.

I believe in science, Andi.

Adam, Andi, I'm Dr. Felicia.

Come on back to my office.

Where's Chuck?

Oh, Chuck wasn't available, so I made an appointment

with his colleague Dr. Felicia.

What's wrong? I don't want to.

So, I hear we're going to be talking about a boat today.

I don't want to.

Chuck's not here.

Run!

I still don't understand what happened.

We agreed on Dr. Chuck.

No, we agreed on therapy.

Which we got, and I for one, am a very satisfied customer.

I already gave her five stars on Yelp.

She is a boat hater.

If we'd gone with Chuck, I'd be waterskiing right now.

Of course you would.

Because he was a ringer, a phony, a fraud.

You don't know that.

Do you?

How do you know that?

You tried to rig therapy to get a boat.

I tried a whole bunch of things to get a boat.

And if you had fallen for one of those, we wouldn't even be here.

Well, I know one thing for sure.

There will never, ever be a boat in that driveway.

It's not Tuesday. What?

I'm-I'm just saying days of the week it's not.

(stammers) You know what?

Honey, I have put you through so much.

Let me take you out to dinner.

Huh? If we sprint, we can still make happy hour.

Why are we going this way? Well, we're not going out

the back door, like savages.

I want the whole world to see my beautiful wife.

(chuckles)

Evening, Mr. Burns. I'm here to drop off your boat.

On second thought, I'd rather eat in.

It's not your fault, sir. I'm sorry for all the cursing.

(chuckles): She didn't know about the boat.

Yeah, you're the third drop-off this week

where the wife didn't know.

What did those guys do?

I just deliver the boats, man.

Ahoy, Captain.

We brought you champagne to christen ye new vessel.

(quietly): Uh, now's not a good time.

I got the boat delivered early

so we could take it out this weekend.

What are you guys fighting about?

Adam bought a boat after I said no.

Wrong.

I bought the boat before you said no.

I spent all this time trying to get you to say yes.

You don't know everything.

Okay, w-well, w-wait a minute.

S-So a-all that stuff,

t-the therapy, t-the brownie, the kids,

was all because you already bought a boat?

I should've known. You never save me a brownie.

Okay, yes, I did everything wrong.

But you know, it just didn't seem fair.

Can we have a boat? I say yes, you say no, so it's a no.

Why is the wife's no

more powerful than the husband's yes?

Because without our no, it's chaos.

A man's life expectancy

would be 30 because you'd all drown

in Jacuzzis filled with beer.

Which reminds me, you also said no to a Jacuzzi.

Marriage is supposed to be 50-50, right?

No, no, no, no.

It's 51-49.

Yeah, the house has the edge, just like blackjack.

How are you the house? I built the house.

All you did was fill it with these pillows.

Are you saying that my only contribution to this house

is pillows?

I think we've gotten off track.

You're only mad about the boat. Remember that.

Still in the driveway. Can you believe I did that?

He bought a boat without telling me.

And then he lied about it.

Yeah. He did that. While we were married.

Get him, Felicia.

Well, you're clearly very passionate about boats.

In our last session, you said you had

to have one because boats are "bitchin'."

I stand by that.

He stands by it, Felicia.

Okay, look, I know where this is going.

And if it'll save time, I will put my own nuts in that box.

That's where I keep my father's ashes.

Sorry for your loss.

You know, in many relationships, there's a lot of grey areas.

But in this situation, we have the benefit of clarity.

Clinically speaking, Adam, you're super wrong.

That is the best 150 bucks I ever ever spent.

Thanks, Felicia. You've been very helpful.

Hang on. We're not done here.

We've identified the problem,

but now let's see if there's and underlying cause.

Eh, I'm good with super wrong. Do you take checks?

There's no money in that account.

I spent it all on the boat.

Adam, you risked

your most important relationship for this,

so there must be something deeper going on.

When you think about the boat, what comes to mind?

The boat.

I'm talking about maybe a-a special memory or feeling.

Oh. Uh...

I guess I think about my dad taking me out fishing

when I was a kid.

Now we're getting somewhere.

No, we're not. Stay with me, Felicia.

When we were on the boat,

we'd laugh and crack dirty jokes.

He'd let me have a sip of his beer.

Yeah, it was, like, for one day,

he stopped barking at me and we were pals.

That's very touching, Adam.

I'm glad my dad was in the room to hear you say that.

So the idea

of the boat is very emotional for you.

Yeah. I guess.

(scoffs) You know, the more I think about it,

when I bought the boat,

I was hoping to have some fun times like that with our kids.

They're growing up so fast.

Well, that's why I was against the boat.

Time is precious,

and I didn't want it taking you away from the family.

That's the thing I'm realizing.

I didn't want the boat just for me.

I wanted it for us.

I can't believe you never told me that.

I didn't even know that was in there.

It snuck up on me, like a burp.

Ah. (chuckles)

I think I might be deep.

Don, Marcy, come on back.

I'm Dr. Felicia.

Where's Chuck?

Chuck can't save you now.

Up you go.

I don't want to.

Never again.

(sighs)

Hey. Back to flannel, huh?

Dr. Felicia was brutal. She pounded me like a speed bag.

So you're selling it?

Yeah, it's for the best. Man.

I learned it wasn't about the boat, it was about family.

Can't drink beer and pee off the side of a family, though.

You can take the sign down. I found a buyer for your boat.

Well, that was fast.

Yeah, it's a lady

who wants to buy it for her husband.

He was professionally diagnosed as super wrong,

but, you know,

now that she understands why the boat's been a dream of his,

she wants to make it happen.

Oh, Andi.

(both laugh)

Wow, that's almost exactly what happened to you.

Go home, Don.

It's a crazy world.

Thanks, Dr. Chuck. Great session.

I didn't realize me wanting you

to wear pants was smothering you.

I'm sorry.

I-I think you're perfect, Bev, but it might be worth

making some changes since Dr. Chuck said so. Hmm?

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