Original subtitles

WOMAN: Mummy's here now.

This will all be over in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Mr K can send as many... (COCKS GUN)

... dollies as he likes.

I'll fix them all.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

DJ ON CAR RADIO: Yeah, that was

Signed, Sealed, Delivered by Stevie Wonder.

OK, this next one is going out to Fran and Jamie.

Oh, my God! They're playing my request.

(SIGHS) Go on, turn it up.

The two of them are off to bonnie Scotland

to take someone out.

- Well, whatever you've got planned for them... - What?

... I'm sure they'll enjoy it.

I love a road trip.

We're just a couple of hot babes cutting loose,

letting the road take us wheresoe'er it will.

We've got to stay sharp today, Jamie.

This target used to work for Mr K

before she went completely insane.

- Oh, my God. Is it Annie Maddox? - Yep.

She wiped out an entire family by drilling holes in their heads.

Not just the family, mate. She wiped out the family,

the pets, the neighbours and some poor guy

parked in a Mr Whippy van outside.

Mr K says we have to deal with her before she goes even more rogue.

(MOBILE PINGS)

I gave you my phone for you to give me directions. What are you doing?

- Nothing. - (MOBILE PINGS)

- Er, Fran? - Mm-hm.

Don't be cross

but I might have signed you up to a... dating app.

- What?! - Joao is out of your life.

You're single. You've got to get back in there.

Apps are the way forward. I'm on one.

I've hooked up with three guys already.

- I thought you were with Colin. - (GROANS)

I gave him the boot.

You're gonna like this. I've made you an amazing profile.

- There's a bunch of people interested. - I bet they're all weirdos.

Somebody did send a picture of a grave with your name on it but

there are a couple of really, really cool people.

Er... you might want to look at this.

She loves climbing and animals!

Er, no, I think you should delete the app.

How are gonna know if she's responded to your message?

- Have you messaged her?! - Well, yeah. I just put "Hey."

And I also sent her a picture of you dressed as the Tin Man at Pride.

Why would you do that? Why would you send that picture?!

(RATTLING)

When you went to the garage, did you fill up with petrol...

- ... or diesel? - Yeah, now,

I couldn't remember what you'd said

so I put in half and half.

- (ENGINE FAILS TO START) - It's not a fucking shandy, Jamie.

Nah, there's nothing. Nothing.

- Should I call the AA? - How are you gonna explain all this?

It's not that bad.

Oh, yeah.

- (SIGHS) - Do you wanna call them or shall I?

Oh, for f...

(TYRES SCREECH)

You just can't get enough of me, can you?

- Hiya, guys! So... - Shut up, Charles!

So, you had to call the competition to bail your asses out again.

We just need a lift to the station so we can get on with our job.

Sure, we could do that.

Or we could drive you all the way there,

split the hit 50-50.

I hear you got Annie Maddox.

She's worth big money.

- No. - Suit yourself.

(ENGINE STARTS)

OK, um...

- 80-20. - Deal.

Ignore him, he's an idiot.

Good luck explaining this to Mr K.

(STAMMERS) OK, 50-50.

40-60?

- Welcome to the fast lane... - (INHALER RATTLES)

- ... bitch. - (INHALES DEEPLY)

A few ground rules.

No chewing gum.

I just had the seats reupholstered.

No crying.

If you need to cry, do it outside the van.

Mostly importantly, nobody touches the tech but me.

It's military grade

and finely-tuned to respond to my voice and my voice alone.

- VAN COMPUTER: Ordering Home Alone. - No!

Obviously not!

(HUFFS) Fucking thing's been acting up.

Give me the target's address, I'll plug it in to the GPS.

But if I gave you the location,

you'd just sling us out and take the job yourself, so

- I will direct you. - Wow.

So this whole super uptight thing isn't just an act.

This should be fun.

Your van is so much cooler than ours.

You've got carpet, phone charger,

- a bean bag back there. - Yeah.

- Gun rack. - Yep.

Is that an espresso machine?

It is indeed. Well spotted. I'm actually not allowed to use that.

Um, Liz said so. Because I get quite gassy.

Yeah. One Vanilio capsule

and my arsehole is in tatters.

(MOBILE PINGS)

- Oh, my God, she messaged you back. - Who?

JAMIE: Nobody. Nobody.

Fran's visa marriage just collapsed so she signed up to a dating app

and a really cute woman's messaging her.

This should be fun. What did she say?

Well, that's none of your business.

OK, new ground rule.

Everyone has to read out their messages.

- Your application for an overdraft has been den... - Not you, Charles!

We're not messaging, we're emoji-ing. Gotta get with the kids.

And she's sent me a thumbs-up

which is massive in my community.

- What a dick. - You are so in there.

- Do you think? - Definitely.

- (MOBILE PINGS) - "What are you up to this weekend?

My flatmate is away so I'm home alone."

- COMPUTER: Ordering Home Alone. - Jesus Christ! Not again!

Grrrr! (HUFFS CROSSLY)

OK, guys, can I just say something?

I know Liz well and she's getting really worked up.

So can everyone please not even say anything

that remotely sounds a bit like Home Alone?

- COMPUTER: Ordering Home Alone. - What the fuck?!

- Can we pull over? I think I might need another cry. - Fuck my life.

I heard Annie Maddox is holed up in an old school or something.

Maybe.

Guess she really lost it, huh?

(SCOFFS AND CHUCKLES)

Can you at least tell me how much further till I turn off?

No way. Just stay on the road until I tell you to come off.

- (COUGHS) Uptight. - (CHARLES CHATTERS SOFTLY)

So, this is your area of the van, I'm guessing.

- Yeah, this is my man cave, if you will. - (BOTH CHUCKLE)

No, it's lovely. Liz even let me put up some pictures that I've done.

Oh, yeah. Now, who are those people?

These guys are famous impressionists...

- Oh, yeah? - ... and heroes of mine.

I used to be quite involved in the whole impression game myself.

- Ah. Wow. - I used to be pretty handy.

Yeah. We used to have a monthly comedy night back in Helmand

when I was there as an army nurse.

Um, we used to call it Laugh-ganistan.

(CHUCKLES)

- Laugh... Afghanistan. - Oh!

- (CHUCKLES) Play on words. Bit of a play on words. - That's good.

- (LAUGHS) - No, I seriously considered going pro, actually,

until Liz reminded me, "Look, you haven't got the talent,

- the ability... " - The charisma.

The charisma. She kind of made me realise that

your dreams are a waste of time.

- Great. - Yeah.

What's up?

Well, we were emoji-ing and it was all going really well

- and then suddenly she just left the chat. - Ouch.

- What did you send her? - I mean,

just the usual, to be honest. Er, I did,

- fox, horse, fox, fox, fox, horse, unicorn. - (SCOFFS)

- You sent a unicorn? - Yeah.

- Do you know what that means? - Wh...

(JAMIE AND CHARLES CHATTER)

- Charles... come on. - Jamie, I...

- I'm rusty. - Just one. Go on.

- No, I'm shy. I'm shy. Shy boy. - (SIGHS) (TUTS)

OK, right, I'll do one.

- OK. (LAUGHS) - Um...

OK.

(SILLY VOICE) I'm ET.

- Is it ET? - Yes.

Yeah, good. I don't think ET ever says, "I'm ET."

It was more kind of um...

(AS ET) I'll be right here.

Oh, Charles, that is brilliant.

- Thank you. - Is that one of your...

- Yeah? - One of those classics, yeah.

- I'm famous for that one. - I'd love to be able to do that.

(AS ET) ET phone home.

- COMPUTER: Ordering Home Alone. - The fuck, Charles!

Sorry.

- (SOFTLY) You got me in trouble. - Not my fault.

(TYRES SCREECH)

We'll stay here tonight.

We need to be fresh if we're gonna take Annie down.

Charles, let's check and see if they have any rooms.

OK, cool.

Now or... ?

- Andale! - Yes, mamacita.

- How's it going up here? - Well,

my dating technique could best be described as... chilling.

No, I meant with Liz. I saw you guys chatting away.

- What? - There's more than a whiff of chemistry.

I have not seen one single sign that she is into it.

I got us a room.

What?!

The four of us.

Yeah, I mean, obviously er...

all of us.

They only had one left, so...

Well, that makes sense. Yeah.

Get your stuff.

Yeah, I'll see... (CLEARS THROAT) ... see you in there.

You look like you're gonna be comfy down there tonight, Charles.

That's good, actually.

(GRUNTS)

- It's nice in here, isn't it? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Not sleeping in the bed?

Basically, me and Liz have this arrangement

where I let her sleep in the bed and she lets me sleep on the floor.

- And you're welcome. - Thank you, I appreciate it.

It's lovely.

- Nice jimjams, Charles. - Oh, thank you very much. Yeah, paisley.

- You wanna take a picture, Fran? - Yeah, er, actually, I was

taking er... in the tea- and coffe-making facilities. Yep.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

It's just one of our weapons guys.

We're running low on ammo.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

I drove as fast as I could.

I've got Ofsted in tomorrow. Day job's an absolute mare.

(HEAVY THUD)

Forgot I had that in there.

That were lucky.

Naughty little grenade. Huh!

Right, just the two boxes of the 9-mils then, is it?

Thank you.

Goodbye.

Right, while I've got you, can I interest you in anything else?

I've got a silencer.

Er, I've got... an Uzi.

I've got a mini Uzi.

I've got um...

Michelle Gordon's homework.

Fuck.

And the pi�ce de resistance:

- some weed brownies. - Oh, dealing drugs now as well, are you?

You try keeping up with child support on a teacher's salary.

- I love brownies. - Might be nice.

Help you chill the fuck out, Fran.

Er, I am actually super chilled.

You spent most of the day harassing a climbing instructor.

(WHISPERING) Did I harass the instructor?

(WHISPERING) You were a bit persistent.

Really sorry, but could you just get off my bed? I'm gonna sleep there.

If that's all right, sorry. Thanks.

There was Alison and Stella and they both left me.

There was the florist who went off

with the sperm that I had paid for.

Joao is a nice Brazilian barista. I tried to take care of him.

He moved in, claimed squatters' rights and evicted me.

And now my credit card statement looks like RuPaul's wedding list.

Can anyone else see that magical wizard?

It's a good bake.

I feel nothing.

My love-life's been pretty dormant since...

since Aggie died.

Oh, your partner's died? I'm so sorry.

Yeah. (SIGHS) Right before her 90th birthday as well.

- She were 90? - Yeah.

I like a mature woman.

Great memories with her though.

I used to wheel her out into the sun

and sometimes her eyes would open...

- And? - No, that's it. Her eyes would open.

(SNORING)

(SNORING AND GRUNTING)

Well, he's out cold.

Hey, for what it's worth,

I'm sorry about your divorce.

That sucks.

Yeah. It was just nice having somebody at the end of the phone,

really, I think.

Although, to be honest, Joao never answered my calls so...

This job is pretty lonely.

Honestly?

Sometimes I feel like I'm just...

one bad day away

from doing something really crazy, like...

blowing up a zoo.

Or becoming a Christian.

(MAN SNORES SOFTLY)

Um...

will you go for a drink with me?

Sure?

- Why not? - (MAN SNORES)

- Really? - No! (LAUGHS)

- Oh, fuck's sake. - Serious?! (SNORTS)

Fran! I'm fucking with you.

Of course I'll get that drink with you.

Why do you have to be such a monumental dick... all the time?

That's just my way.

Let me give you my personal number.

Oh, er... here.

(MAN SNORES)

Let me drop you a line sometime.

(SNORING CONTINUES)

- (GRUNTS SLEEPILY) - Oh, er, fuck.

- Right. I've gotta go. - Big day tomorrow!

- Yeah. - (CLEARS THROAT)

(BIRDSONG)

(MOBILE BUZZES)

(GROANS)

(WHISPERING): Jamie.

Mr K. Hi.

Yeah, no, we are... we are just approaching the target right now.

(SOFTLY) Jamie. Jamie!

Liz and Charles have gone!

- (GRUNTS) What? - Mr K, hi, er... Uh, i... u...

I'm so sorry. I just... (IMITATES DISTORTED SPEECH)

... eaking up.

They are nicking our job. They're nicking our job.

(MUMBLES) Liz and Charles

don't actually know the address so it doesn't...

This is my fault. She asked for my phone

and I gave it to her because I thought she meant it.

She said she was putting her personal number in it and she lied.

- She was getting the location. - Liz gave you her personal number.

- Nice one, Fran. - Yeah, um... now's not the time, Jamie.

What time is it?

- Mate, I need to borrow your car. I... - What?!

I've got Ofsted. You're not having the car.

- It is gonna happen and Ofsted's pointless. - Not a chance. No way am...

Nice one, Fran.

Again, I will leave you hanging. We don't have time.

Blimey. Is this where she's holed up?

Something's not right.

Probably best sleep that off, mate.

Someone's trashed their van.

- Try phoning them. - I don't have any reception.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(SINISTER MUSIC)

(EERIE LAUGHTER)

- (DISTANT SHRIEKING) - What's that?

Ssh. Keep it down.

(CLATTERING)

Wow. Those weed brownies have hit Liz and Charles pretty hard.

(WHISPERING) I don't think this dolly tea party was their idea.

(WHISPERING) Annie's off her rocker.

- Just keep your eyes peeled. - (MOUTHS)

Coo-ee!

Here you go, poppet. It's boiling.

- Drink up. - It's boiling. It's boiling!

Don't be silly. Watch Mummy.

(SLURPS AND GULPS)

(GULPS)

Ahhh!

Now then, who's for more cake?

- I said who's for more cake! - Oh, yeah. Love some.

- 100%. - Maybe lemon drizzle.

I hate to be difficult but have you got a gluten-free option?

- My stomach is... - (THUD)

Awesome job rescuing us (!)

Don't know what we'd do without you.

If you hadn't double crossed us

- we wouldn't be in this mess. - Ssh.

You pretended to like me just so you could get the hit.

Don't cry, you'll ruin your make-up.

I think I've shat myself. It's the gluten.

- I said shut up! - (PLATE SHATTERS)

This always happens. Dollies never do what Mummy says.

I'll just have to fix you all, won't I?

(ELECTRICAL WHIRRING)

(ALL SCREAM)

Please, I beg you!

- Please, please! - (MAN CLEARS THROAT)

I'm so sorry to disturb you.

If I could just grab my car keys then I'll be on my way.

(ALL SCREAM) No, no, no! Please don't do it!

- (EVIL GIGGLE) - Don't do it, please! (ALL SCREAM)

- (DRILL STOPS) - Oh!

Oh, dear. Battery must have died.

Back in a tick.

(ALL SIGH WITH RELIEF)

Well, that's my career up in smoke.

- Visitation rights as well. Thanks a lot. - Ooh!

Found it.

(CHUCKLES)

For fuck's sake. One of us must have something we can use.

Did I know I was coming to Satan's tea party? No.

Oh, the grenade. It's still in my pocket from last night.

Get it.

I'm tied up.

Will someone else pull the pin? My hand's tied to the fucking chair.

- Fran's hard. She can pull it. - Grab it under your chin

and pass it down the line as quick as you can.

Like pass the orange. I love pass the orange.

Oh.

Fran.

Yeah?

You can use your hands.

I did know that.

(PIN CLICKS SOFTLY)

- (GRENADE CLATTERS) - Oh, shit. Where's it gone?

(ALL MUTTER SOFTLY) Over here.

I've got it. I've got it.

Now!

(ALL YELL)

(SILENCE)

- Ar... - (EXPLOSION)

(GRUNTS WITH EFFORT)

OK, that's Mummy all bagged up.

Shame really. If she wasn't a sociopath,

she would actually be really lovely, you know?

Look, Charles and I,

we appreciate you guys helping us out.

- We know you didn't have to do that. - Yeah, well, listen, I...

I know you'd have done the same for us, so...

100%. You know what?

Come on, bring it in, guys. No? OK, no worries.

- We should probably pack this lot up. - Hey, you've done enough.

We'll pack. You drive.

- Andale! - Yep.

Thanks again, guys. Keep in touch.

- I mean, I know we complain a lot about them... - Hm.

... but they're actually all right.

You had it right all along and I didn't believe you.

But actually they're decent.

- Do you think they could be... - (ENGINE STARTS)

Unbe-fucking-lievable.

I'll let Mr K know Charles and I got the job done.

- (ENGINE REVS) - Nothing personal, just business.

- Let me know about that drink, Fran! - (ENGINE REVS)

Sure, yeah.

Kids, jobs, car.

Would you like my clothes as well?

Yep. If it gets cold on the walk

I might just take them.

Phone an Uber.

- There's no reception. - Oh, there's no reception.

I'm starving. Can we at least order a pizza or something?

- Again, no reception. - Not even a small one?

The size of the pizza is not the issue.

- Do we really need another person? - It's a big job today.

And Nikhil is supposed to be the best.

Mr K tell me choose new partner.

I choose you.

Final warning. I am big, scary man with mullet and muscles...

- Hey! - Please! I have a really delicate trachea!

Mr. K.

I'm really sorry, Jamie.

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