All language subtitles for The.Jim.Gaffigan.Show.S02E09_English

[laughter]
- Oh, my God.

- Who was the first person
to eat a potato?

Hey, this rock looks delicious.
Let's eat it.

[laughter]

Thank you, thank you!
[applause]

- Thank you!
That's all for me.

Good night.

[cheers and applause]

- That was Jim Gaffigan!

- Jim Gaffigan.
Five kids?

How do you do it?

- It's a lot of hard work
and sacrifice.

- Where's Jeannie?
- At home,

doing the hard work
and sacrifice.

[man beatboxing]

[man humming and beatboxing]

- Oh, good.
I got here before Mitch.

- I still don't understand
why he's not staying here.

- We live in
a two-bedroom apartment

with five young children.

I don't even want
to stay here.

He's at the Bowery Hotel.

What, are you two on a date?

- No, just having a little wine

and some gentle nuzzling.

- When is Mitch getting here?

- Should be here any minute.

- So another Gaffigan in town.

It's just what
New York City needs,

more people from the Midwest.

- Well, we have to come here
to see snobs like you

in your natural habitat.

- Now, you've got
a lot of brothers, Jim.

Is this the one that's funnier
than you,

better-looking than you,
or the one

that's funnier
and better-looking than you?

- Is Mitch in town for
a conference or something?

- I don't know.
He texted this afternoon

that he wants to hang out
this weekend.

- That's strange.
- Why is it strange?

You two hang out
for no apparent reason.

When I'm in Chicago,
Mitch and I hang out.

Now he's in New York,
so we're gonna hang out.

[door buzzer rings]
- It's strange that he's

coming to town without Carol
and the kids.

He just randomly shows up?

I hope everything's okay.
- Would you stop?

[door buzzer rings]
- Wait, you don't think

he's getting a divorce, do you?

- He's a happily married man

who's just coming to New York
to hang out

with the sexy Gaffigan.

- I keep meaning to call Carol,
but every time I call her,

she makes me feel guilty
for not calling her more,

which makes me not want
to call her,

which makes me feel guilty
for not calling her.

You know what I mean?
- Wow.

You really are
a devout Catholic.

[knock at door]
- That's him.

[clears throat]

[chuckles]
- There he is!

The ugly version of me.

- [laughs]
- Ah!

You're not gonna hug me,
are you?

Ugh.
Oh, Jesus, Jimmy!

Five flights of stairs?

You think you'd be skinnier
by now.

In other parts
of the country,

they got things called
an elevator.

- Mitch,
how is the banking business?

- [groans] Well, I haven't
jumped out a window yet.

But, you know,
they keep 'em locked.

Mmm!
Jeannie, how are you?

- Good to see you.
- Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry

you have to be married to him.
- He is funnier than you.

Hey, I'm Daniel.
We met at their wedding.

- Oh, yeah! Hi!
I remember you.

I've never seen a man
cry that hard.

- [laughs]
- I'm Mitch, the sexy Gaffigan.

- Mitch, it's so good
to see you.

How is Carol?
- She's terrific, hon.

She'd love it if you'd
give her a call sometime.

You know, she and the girls are
looking at colleges this week.

- Wow.
- Can you believe it?

My girls looking at colleges.

Time just flies.

- Well, you know,
the whole family

is welcome here anytime.

- I mean, you've got plenty
of room, after all.

We could sleep
on the fire escape, I guess.

[both laugh]

- No, I just thought Jim and I
would hang solo this time.

- [whispers]
Divorce.

- You know, I could spend
a few days watching him eat.

- Come on!
I do more than just eat.

- You do?
- I do.

Anyway, let's go
get something to eat.

- Let's go eat.

Nice to see you.
- You too.

- Oh, no.

- Oh, there's this amazing
falafel place, Mamoun's.

- Is the Comedy Cellar
around here?

- Uh, yeah, I already did
a spot at Gotham,

but I think Dave's going on
in a little bit,

if you want to go.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

'Cause I definitely want
to see that place.

- Okay.

- Hey, Dave, that bit about
cell phones was hilarious.

- Thanks, Mitch.
- Hey, have you ever heard

Louis C.K.'s rant
about cell phones?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I didn't steal that, man.

See, that's--
that's the problem with Louis.

He's too prolific, you know?
He's got bits on everything.

You know, we can never keep up.
He's been making other comics

look like crap for years.
- I'm starving.

Uh, what do you want to eat,
Mitch?

Remember that place Porchetta
I told you about?

It's, like, how many ways
can you fry a pig?

- No, no, I know where
I want to go,

and I think it's up here.
- Oh.

[man humming and beatboxing]

- Oh, he's not here.

- Who is that?

- Louis C.K.
This is where he eats pizza.

- Oh!
- Are you serious?

That's just the opening sequence
of his show.

- I know!
I mean, I know!

Uh, I'm a little drunk.

It was a long shot, okay?

Hey, what's--what's the name
of that pierogi place?

- Uh, Veselka?
- Yeah! Yeah.

I heard Louis talk about that
in an interview once.

Uh, can we go there?
I want to go there.

- Uh...yeah, yeah.

Uh, cancel that.

Ahh!

How about those pierogi,
Mitch, right?

- Oh, they're good.
- You know what we gotta do?

We gotta go and get ravioli
at Supper.

It's right around here.

This neighborhood is crazy
for good food.

- Hey, when are you gonna move
out of that apartment anyway?

I mean, I know you're
a cheap bastard,

but it's ridiculous, man.

I mean, you got no space,
you got no yard,

up five flights of stairs
every day to two bedrooms!

- That's true. He's right, man.
You're a cheap bastard.

It's five flights of stairs.
You know, I call that place

the Petri dish.
- Apartments in New York City

are pretty expensive.
Blame Daniel.

He's supposedly
our real estate agent.

- I can't believe you leave
your wife alone with that guy.

- Mitch, he's gay.
- He's still a man, Jim.

- Hey, excuse me.
I think I just saw you

at the Gotham Comedy Club.

You were amazing.
- Thanks.

- I loved the bacon stuff.

Would you mind
if I take a selfie?

- Oh, sure.
- Thanks so much.

Thank you so much.

- Ooh!
Ooh, la-di-da!

Mr. Big-time Stand-up Comedian.

You know, I'm the one that came
up with all that bacon stuff.

- Really?
- What?

- Yeah, when we were kids,
I was the one

that was obsessed with bacon.

- But I turned it into jokes.

- What is your ultimate goal

with all this stand-up stuff
anyway, huh?

I mean, besides getting your
picture taken with shut-ins?

- What, are you Dad?

Actually, I was thinking
of developing

a television show
based around my life

as a comedian in New York City.

- You mean
like the show "Louie."

- Mitch, I realize
you're kind of obsessed

with Louis C.K.,
but comedians have been doing

autobiographical shows forever.

"I Love Lucy," "Roseanne,"

"Curb Your Enthusiasm,"
"Seinfeld."

Ever heard of those?
And besides,

my show would be way different
than Louis'

'cause I'm a different comedian.

- Different how?

- Well, I'm married,
and I have kids.

I have more kids.
- Well, Louis had kids first.

- That's true, Jim.
Louis did have kids first.

- Would you two stop?

I'm not in a competition
with Louis C.K.,

even though I have more kids
than him.

But I'm certainly
not gonna let other people

determine what I do or not do,
all right?

That's why I didn't
go into finance anyway.

- Oh, I see how you feel.

You're the brave one
because you stuck to your dreams

while I just became some boring,
old banker, huh?

Thanks a lot, Jim.

- What are you talking about?

I didn't say that at all.

You've got a great life.

You're really successful.
You got a great job.

You're happily married.

Wait, you're--you're not getting
a divorce, are you?

- Don't be ridiculous.
No.

I'm quitting my job.

- You should get a divorce too.

- What?
Quitting your job?

Did you get another offer?

- No, I'm just sick of banking.

- Are there people
that enjoy banking?

- What are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna be
a stand-up comedian.

- [laughs]

[stammers]
Are you serious?

[cheers and applause]

- Mitch, you are so funny!

Okay, Jimmy,
time to get up there.

Your turn.
- No, no, I don't want to.

- Yeah, come on, Jimmy,
it's your turn.

- Don't be such a [bleep].
- Michael!

[kids chanting]
Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!

Jimmy! Jimmy!
- Oh, no, no, no.

If Jimmy doesn't want to,
he doesn't have to.

- Look, I-I know
it sounds crazy,

but I've spent my whole life
feeling like a comedian

trapped inside a banker's body.

And then when I saw Dave up
there tonight, I just thought,

"Yeah! Go for it!"

I mean, anybody can do it.

- That's true.
I was on fire tonight, huh?

- You're serious?
- Do you think I'm happy about

reaching this conclusion
at this point in my life?

Everybody has always told me,
"You should do stand-up, Mitch."

- Mitch, you should
do stand-up, man.

You're funnier than Jim.
No offense, man.

I mean, you know, lots of people
are funnier than you.

- I had a feeling about this.
- You thought he was

getting a divorce.

- This is worse!
Poor Carol.

Now I definitely can't call her.

- Do all Gaffigan men
ruin their spouse's lives?

- Both of you, stop.

I don't know
what I'm supposed to do.

- So you're upset with Mitch
for becoming a stand-up comedian

'cause he's funnier than you,
right?

- No, I'm worried about him.
This is a drastic move.

He's got kids going
to college.

Stand-up comedy's hard.

- I know.
I've seen your act.

- So what are you gonna do, Jim?

- I don't know.

I'm supposed to meet Mitch

for lunch at Katz's,

but I don't know
what I'm supposed to say.

- Well, he's obviously having
a mid-life crisis.

You gotta talk him down.

- [sighs]
Yeah, you're right.

[man beatboxing]

You're gay, right?

- Wait a minute.
Mitch, look at this.

Dressed up as a rabbi.

[both laugh]

- Oh, no, Kate, we can't wait
to see you in Maryland.

[giggles]
Okay, bye-bye.

Jimmy, are you even hungry?

Where is your friend Robbie?
Did you two have an argument?

- No, Robbie's playing
with Mitch.

- Oh, honey.

Mitch!

[both laugh]

- Yeah.
- Man, you gotta get it, Mitch.

Gotta get on the Snapchat.
- No.

- Hey, man.
Hey, don't let this guy

stick you with the bill,
all right?

- I won't. I'll see you, Dave.
- Okay, all right, buddy.

- Ahh.
- Hey.

- Ah, you look different.

- Oh, yeah,
Dave took me shopping.

- Yeah.

- Look, Jim, I know you think
I'm making a mistake.

But I didn't judge you when
I paid for your flight home

every Thanksgiving
in the '90s.

- But I didn't even want
to go home for Thanksgiving.

I always felt like
I was being interrogated

by a bunch of drunks.

- [laughs]
Well, that's our people, Jim.

- To be honest with you...
I'm concerned.

You quitting your job?
That's radical.

I wouldn't even know how
a new comic

would get started
in Chicago.

- Chicago?
No, I'm moving to New York.

Dave said that this is really,
like, the only place

to develop new material.

Oh, by the way,
isn't Russ & Daughters

just, like,
right down the street?

'Cause Louis C.K. shot
that amazing scene

with Parker Posey there--
- Mitch!

I didn't make any money
doing stand-up

for the first seven years.

- Well, you weren't
that funny, though.

- That's not the point.

It's not just about talent.

It's about hard work
and luck and--

what does Carol think
about this?

- She'll support me.
I mean, I helped her out

when she started
her jewelry business.

- That was $500 worth of beads.

- Jimmy, I just think you're
upset 'cause you don't like

the idea of there being two
Gaffigans in the stand-up world.

- That's not the issue!

Mitch, you need material.

- I have plenty of material.

- You do?
- Yes, I do.

- All right,
then I'll get you a spot.

- A spot onstage?
- Yeah, I'll get you a spot.

Since you have the material,
I'll get you a spot,

and you can do a set tonight.

- Oh, thank you.
That's great.

Man, look at this pastrami.

When I move here, I think
I might be coming in here a lot.

They'll have to rename
this sandwich "The Mitch."

Mmm!

[applause]

- Hey, one more hand
for Marina Franklin.

- Seems cruel just throwing him
up there like that,

setting him up for failure.
- I don't want him to fail.

I just want him to see
what it's like.

Just see that it's
not all easy.

- Okay, this next guy
is from Chicago.

It's pretty much
all I know about him.

Let's have a warm welcome
for Mitch G.

- Mitch G?
- I got--I don't know.

- Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

You people are...

required to clap,
aren't you?

- He's gonna die
a horrible death.

- I warned him.

- Uh, well, I just got
into town yesterday,

which is just long enough
for me to forget

how truly white bread
that I am.

I was on the subway.
I saw this family from Iowa,

and I thought,
"Man, check those people out."

And then I remembered, "Wait!
That's what I look like!"

[laughter]

- That's funny.
That's funny.

- And bacon, huh?
How about bacon?

Let's hear it for bacon!
Everybody loves bacon!

[cheers and applause]
- Yeah.

- I mean, even the sound
of bacon.

When it's frying,
it sounds like applause.

[imitates bacon sizzling]

[laughter]

[high-pitched voice]
Yay! Bacon!

[laughter]

And bacon bits,
they're like the fairy dust

of the food community.

You know, if you don't like the
salad, just sprinkle some on.

Bippity-boppity-bacon!

You got an entree!
[laughter]

- That's funny, man.
I almost feel like

I've heard that one before.
- You have.

This is my material.

- Man, you guys are great!
I love New York!

- Mmm!
- Hey.

- Uh-huh?
- Hey.

- Ahh!
- Great set.

- Oh, thank you.
- Mind if I get a quick selfie?

- Uh, no, go ahead, sure.

[camera clicks]

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

- Get her number.
Get her number.

- Oh, come on.

- Hey, man,
that was a great set.

- Oh, man, that felt good.
- Yeah.

No, what's with
the "Mitch G," though?

What's going on there?
- Oh, just--

I figured, while I was up there,
I didn't want people

thinking of Jimmy, you know?
- That's good thinking.

You know, you should do
the same thing.

- Mitch, you were great,
but you know

a lot of those jokes
were mine.

Well, all of them were mine.

- Well, I guess there
might have been some overlap.

- Overlap?
I did all those bacon jokes

on my "King Baby" special.

- Yeah, I never saw that one.

- Mitch, you recited
the material word for word.

- Jimmy, I think
we have established

that I was the one
with the bacon obsession.

I mean, you don't own bacon.

People have been doing
bacon jokes forever.

I'm sure Louis C.K.
has a bacon bit.

- I'm sure he's got bacon bits.

"Bacon bits."
Nothing?

- Nothing.
- All right.

- Have you ever heard
Louis' chunk on air travel?

- Oh!
[laughs]

You just say it and I'm laugh--

- Now, that is
a stand-up comedian.

- That man is a stand-up, right?
- He is amazing.

- He's like Mensa genius.
- Yeah.

- All right.

- No, you are, you're right.

You're absolutely right.
[mouths silently]

Yes, I know, it's awful.

And I don't even know
what I would do

in your position,
honestly.

I know, and I don't know--
I don't know what to say.

Yeah, I hear you.
You know what, Carol?

Actually, Jim just walked
in the door, so I'm gonna--

yes, I will.
I absolutely will.

Okay, thank you.

All right, bye.

No wonder alcoholism
is so prevalent in your family.

- You told her about Mitch?
What'd she say?

- I didn't even tell her
about Mitch.

That was 20 minutes of her
guilt-tripping me

about not calling her
in general.

How was Mitch's comedy debut?

- He killed.

Can I?
- He what?

- Yeah.
- Wait, how?

- With my material.

By the way, he's planning
to move to New York.

- I knew they were getting
a divorce.

- There's no divorce.

Divorce would be
way less complicated.

- You know, maybe Mitch
should talk to Father Nicholas.

- What? No.
Why?

- Mitch is a much better
Catholic than you are, Jim.

- What does that have to do
with anything?

- He might actually listen
to Father Nicholas,

and Father Nicholas could show
Mitch that he's being crazy.

- All right, I'll try anything
at this point.

[both laugh]

- Are you serious?
- Yes, I'm serious.

He always did that.
[both laugh]

- Well, it's all true.

Hey, there he is!

Uh...

- Jim, your brother
is a very funny man.

- Yeah, so he's been told.

Mitch, I thought
we'd go to Parm.

It's right down the block.
- Oh, Jimmy, I'm sorry, no.

I'm having lunch
with Birbiglia.

So I'll find my own way, okay?

- Oh.
- Thanks again, Father Nick.

- You're welcome.
- It was great.

You got a great priest here,
Jimmy.

- Take care.

- What'd you guys talk about?

- Aww, Jim, you know
I can't violate

the sanctity
of the confessional.

- Yeah, I know there's
the rules, but I need

to know what you guys
were talking about.

- No.

- I know Mitch wants
to be a stand-up comedian,

but I can't let him do that
to himself or his family.

I mean, who wakes up and makes
such a drastic decision?

- Well, sometimes you just
have to be supportive

of the people you love even if
you don't agree with them.

- I can't support him on this.
You have to help me with him.

He's never listened to me.

- Surely you can remember a time
that your brother supported you.

- What the hell, Jimmy?

- Now, look, Mitch,
I can explain, okay?

- This is insanity.
Who wakes up

and makes such
a drastic decision, Jimmy?

- Me.
- Don't be a quitter!

You can't let down the team in
the middle of football season!

I'm the captain!
How do you think this

is gonna make me look?

- I was thinking about doing
the school play.

- You're gay?
- No!

- It's okay if you're gay.
- I'm not gay, Mitch.

I just don't like
playing football.

- Oh, my God.
So you're a quitter!

- No, there was never a time
he supported me.

- Well, that's when you
were boys.

Now you are a man,
and the right thing for you

to do is to be supportive of him
in his time of need.

Remember the story
of Cain and Abel?

- You want me to kill him?

- Just go support your brother.

But before you go,

would you like me
to hear your confession?

- It might take some time.

Am I allowed to eat in there?

["Louie"-style theme music]
- Mitchy, Mitchy, Mitchy

Mitchy

Mitchy, Mitchy, Mitchy,
Mitch-ahh

Mitchy, Mitchy,
Mitchy, Mitchy

Mitchy, Mitchy,
you're gonna cry

Mitchy, Mitchy, Mitchy...

- Mitch!
Hey.

- Oh, hey, Jimmy.

- I've thought about it,

and I'm gonna support you
moving to New York

and becoming
a stand-up comedian,

even though you didn't
support me in high school.

- What are you talking about?
- When I quit the football team.

- Oh, I did support you.

- Don't be a quitter!
- Look at me, Mitch!

I'm not happy.
I'm losing weight.

I hate playing football.

- Fine.
I get it.

It's not for you.
- You're not mad?

- No.

You have to do
what makes you happy.

- Oh, thanks so much--
- Whoa.

You're not gonna hug me,
are you?

- Nah, nah.
[stammers]

- And it's okay if you're gay.

- I'm not gay.

Oh, my God.
That's right!

You did support me.

Anyway...

you being a comedian
is a great idea.

You know, and maybe
you can open for me, right?

And there are plenty of brothers
that are comedians.

Dennis and Brian Regan--
that works, right?

And the--the Lucas brothers
and the Sklar brothers.

Any--my point is,
I'm all in.

- Yeah, I don't really want to
be a stand-up comedian anymore.

- What?
[laughs]

That's--
- I mean, I don't want to live

in some crummy,
tiny apartment,

haul my ass up and down
five flights of stairs,

for the love of God.
- What?

- Put on more weight,
lose my hair,

beg for the approval
of strangers.

I don't know
how you do that.

- Mitch, you said you were dying

to be a stand-up comedian.

- Well, I was going through
a phase, you know?

Like that phase you went through
in high school

where you thought
you were gay.

- I never thought I was gay.

- Think about it, Jim.

The late nights,
the crap pay.

And comedians,
they are weird.

Like that guy Dave
that you hang out with?

I don't know
how you stand him.

And New York sucks.

It's crowded.
It's filthy.

The pizza's terrible.

- Carol called you,
didn't she?

- Yeah, she told me
to come home.

- Yeah, it's probably
for the best.

- Yeah, besides, I mean,
I'll never be as good

as Louis C.K. anyway.

- Mitchy, Mitchy,
you're gonna cry

Mitchy, Mitchy, Mitchy,
Mitchy

[man beatboxing]

[man singing indistinctly]

[mellow jazzy music]