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1
00:00:06,567 --> 00:00:07,997
[phone ringing]
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:09,030
- [sighs]
3
00:00:09,033 --> 00:00:10,173
Hello?
4
00:00:10,167 --> 00:00:12,267
- Please hold for Dave Marks.
5
00:00:12,267 --> 00:00:14,427
- Jim, where are you?
- I'm at Katz's.
6
00:00:14,433 --> 00:00:16,033
I've been waiting here
for 20 minutes.
7
00:00:16,033 --> 00:00:18,003
Where are you guys?
- What are you doing at Katz's?
8
00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,800
We agreed we weren't working
there anymore.
9
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:21,270
We discussed this
at the production meeting.
10
00:00:21,267 --> 00:00:22,767
- What production meeting?
11
00:00:22,767 --> 00:00:24,567
- The one yesterday.
The one you decided to blow off.
12
00:00:24,567 --> 00:00:25,897
You know, Will Ferrell
was in town.
13
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:27,000
He was not happy.
14
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,030
- But I didn't know about it.
15
00:00:28,033 --> 00:00:29,403
- Look, whatever.
16
00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:30,930
We're at Cherche Midi,
all right?
17
00:00:30,933 --> 00:00:32,973
- Look, Dave, I don't know
how to tell Will this,
18
00:00:32,967 --> 00:00:35,767
but I don't think I can work
on this "Weatherman" show.
19
00:00:35,767 --> 00:00:37,267
That was my idea.
20
00:00:37,267 --> 00:00:39,497
- Jim, you really got to come to
these meetings, okay?
21
00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:41,000
"Weatherman" is not happening.
22
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,430
It's more of a fat guy role
anyway, all right?
23
00:00:43,433 --> 00:00:45,673
Will wants to do it next season
with you.
24
00:00:45,667 --> 00:00:47,797
- He does?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look.
25
00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:50,030
But in my show, he wants me to
be a private investigator.
26
00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:52,373
You're supposed to be writing
with us, so get over here.
27
00:00:52,367 --> 00:00:53,797
and don't order anything.
28
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:54,830
- I won't.
29
00:00:54,833 --> 00:00:55,833
I'm on my way.
30
00:00:55,833 --> 00:00:57,733
Oh, jeez.
Um...
31
00:00:57,733 --> 00:01:01,973
I hate to be a pain,
but could I also get fries?
32
00:01:01,967 --> 00:01:04,967
[man beatboxing]
33
00:01:04,967 --> 00:01:09,367
34
00:01:09,367 --> 00:01:13,227
[man humming and beatboxing]
35
00:01:13,233 --> 00:01:15,373
Hi, I'm supposed to...
36
00:01:19,867 --> 00:01:22,367
- Excuse me, do you have
an appointment with Mr. Marks?
37
00:01:22,367 --> 00:01:24,427
- An appointment?
Who are you?
38
00:01:24,433 --> 00:01:26,273
- I'm Dave's assistant, Foshay.
39
00:01:26,267 --> 00:01:27,667
- Look, Foshay.
40
00:01:27,667 --> 00:01:28,467
- Foshay.
41
00:01:28,467 --> 00:01:30,427
- Foshay.
Uh...
42
00:01:30,433 --> 00:01:32,203
- Mr. Marks is in a meeting
right now.
43
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:33,830
- I thought we had
a writers' meeting.
44
00:01:33,833 --> 00:01:35,833
- Thanks to your discourteous
regard for our time,
45
00:01:35,833 --> 00:01:37,833
the writers' meeting
has been postponed.
46
00:01:37,833 --> 00:01:39,333
We have a tight schedule.
47
00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:41,803
Right now, he's casting
the role of landlady.
48
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:42,870
- Land--
49
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,230
I don't have time for this.
50
00:01:47,233 --> 00:01:49,973
- Uh-uh.
- Jim.
51
00:01:49,967 --> 00:01:51,067
- John.
52
00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:52,227
Uh...
53
00:01:52,233 --> 00:01:53,333
- [sighs]
54
00:01:53,333 --> 00:01:54,703
- What are you doing
over here?
55
00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:56,730
- Waiting for Dave.
56
00:01:57,933 --> 00:01:59,403
- This is ridiculous.
57
00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:00,830
And who's Foshay?
58
00:02:00,833 --> 00:02:02,473
- It's actually pronounced
Foshay.
59
00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:04,067
- That's what I said.
Foshay.
60
00:02:04,067 --> 00:02:05,567
- No, you said it differently.
61
00:02:05,567 --> 00:02:08,067
- All right, look, can we
just start on the script?
62
00:02:08,067 --> 00:02:11,967
- Apparently we can't do any
writing till Dave's free.
63
00:02:11,967 --> 00:02:13,097
- What are we even doing here?
64
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,570
- Tell me about it.
65
00:02:14,567 --> 00:02:16,067
Plus, he basically shoots down
every idea I have now.
66
00:02:16,067 --> 00:02:18,467
- Well, have you and Will
talked to him about it?
67
00:02:18,467 --> 00:02:20,397
- I was wondering
if you would talk to him.
68
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:21,930
- Me?
- Well, you're friends.
69
00:02:21,933 --> 00:02:24,573
Plus, you already have a
reputation for being difficult.
70
00:02:24,567 --> 00:02:25,767
- I do?
71
00:02:25,767 --> 00:02:27,297
- Well, you blew off
the production meeting.
72
00:02:27,300 --> 00:02:28,830
- But I--
I didn't know about it.
73
00:02:28,833 --> 00:02:30,633
I'm not hungry.
Thank you.
74
00:02:30,633 --> 00:02:32,073
You know what?
Um...
75
00:02:32,067 --> 00:02:33,267
I'll get the steak frites.
76
00:02:33,267 --> 00:02:34,867
You want something?
- No, thank you.
77
00:02:34,867 --> 00:02:36,727
- He'll get the fries.
Get the fries.
78
00:02:36,733 --> 00:02:39,333
They have this mayo
that's, like, amazing here.
79
00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:40,773
- Is it mayonnaise?
80
00:02:40,767 --> 00:02:41,727
- Yeah.
81
00:02:41,733 --> 00:02:44,833
[man humming and beatboxing]
82
00:02:44,833 --> 00:02:52,773
83
00:03:13,067 --> 00:03:13,967
[plate clatters]
84
00:03:16,633 --> 00:03:18,673
- Finally.
Let's go.
85
00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:22,367
Come on, Foshay.
86
00:03:23,733 --> 00:03:25,533
- What now?
87
00:03:25,533 --> 00:03:26,973
- He's talking to Dave.
88
00:03:26,967 --> 00:03:27,897
- I know.
89
00:03:31,900 --> 00:03:32,830
Why?
90
00:03:38,233 --> 00:03:40,073
- Hmm.
91
00:03:40,067 --> 00:03:43,167
- Dave, isn't this supposed to
be a writers' session?
92
00:03:43,167 --> 00:03:44,327
- Relax, Jim, okay?
93
00:03:44,333 --> 00:03:45,603
This is your lucky day,
all right?
94
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,800
Both Louie Anderson
and John Goodman
95
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:48,070
passed on the
Jim Gaffigan role.
96
00:03:48,067 --> 00:03:49,197
- No.
- I know.
97
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:50,370
- Oh, damn it.
98
00:03:50,367 --> 00:03:51,697
Did you try
Bruce Vilanch?
99
00:03:51,700 --> 00:03:53,700
- Oh. Can he gain weight?
- He could gain.
100
00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:56,070
- You think after you
rejected me for playing myself
101
00:03:56,067 --> 00:03:58,597
you can just offer me the role
and I'll accept?
102
00:03:58,600 --> 00:03:59,630
- Oh, I don't think that.
103
00:03:59,633 --> 00:04:01,073
But I do think I can offer you
104
00:04:01,067 --> 00:04:02,667
the opportunity to
audition for the role.
105
00:04:02,667 --> 00:04:05,697
- You want me to audition
to play myself.
106
00:04:05,700 --> 00:04:08,070
- It would be fun to see
what you'd do with the part.
107
00:04:08,067 --> 00:04:10,697
- I'm not auditioning
to play myself.
108
00:04:10,700 --> 00:04:11,900
- You're perfect
for it.
109
00:04:11,900 --> 00:04:14,100
- Of course
I'm perfect for it.
110
00:04:14,100 --> 00:04:15,200
Where the hell's my phone?
111
00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:16,830
- You have to go in for it.
112
00:04:16,833 --> 00:04:19,603
Do you really want some unknown
actor to play Jim Gaffigan
113
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,700
just because you were
too proud to audition?
114
00:04:21,700 --> 00:04:23,300
It could destroy your career.
115
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:24,700
- [scoffs]
116
00:04:24,700 --> 00:04:27,200
Obviously they should
just offer it to me.
117
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,200
Ugh.
Here it is.
118
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:29,600
Why is it there?
119
00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:30,730
- It's like I'm sure
this audition
120
00:04:30,733 --> 00:04:32,073
is just some
sort of a formality.
121
00:04:32,067 --> 00:04:33,497
Jim, we're so close
to being able
122
00:04:33,500 --> 00:04:34,970
to do our
"Weatherman" project.
123
00:04:34,967 --> 00:04:37,467
Can you imagine getting paid
to be a writer and an actor?
124
00:04:37,467 --> 00:04:39,067
We need this.
125
00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:41,597
We're in a bidding war
on our dream apartment.
126
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:42,600
- What bidding war?
127
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:44,070
- Just play ball.
128
00:04:44,067 --> 00:04:46,527
You auditioning for Jim Gaffigan
will totally change
129
00:04:46,533 --> 00:04:48,173
your reputation
for being difficult.
130
00:04:48,167 --> 00:04:51,427
- I don't have a reputation
for being difficult.
131
00:04:51,433 --> 00:04:53,073
- I could help you
with the audition.
132
00:04:53,067 --> 00:04:54,967
I'm, like, an expert
at this character.
133
00:04:54,967 --> 00:04:55,967
I live with the guy.
134
00:04:55,967 --> 00:04:57,197
- I am the guy.
135
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,070
And you know,
this guy has a wife.
136
00:04:59,067 --> 00:05:01,497
Aren't you a little concerned
how Dave Marks
137
00:05:01,500 --> 00:05:03,300
is gonna portray you
on national television?
138
00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:05,830
- He said he's trying to get
Kelly Ripa to play my part.
139
00:05:05,833 --> 00:05:07,803
She's, like, so adorable.
She's, like, perfect.
140
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:09,500
- He's not gonna
get Kelly Ripa
141
00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:11,500
to quit her
daytime talk show
142
00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:14,270
to do a sitcom
on TV Land.
143
00:05:14,267 --> 00:05:15,667
And what about
our kids?
144
00:05:15,667 --> 00:05:17,667
How are they
gonna be portrayed?
145
00:05:17,667 --> 00:05:20,967
Dave thinks that they're
germ-infested monsters.
146
00:05:20,967 --> 00:05:24,727
- Mom, James is
eating boogers again.
147
00:05:24,733 --> 00:05:25,533
- Ick.
148
00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:26,733
- [sighs]
149
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:32,130
[man humming and beatboxing]
150
00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:36,573
151
00:05:36,567 --> 00:05:38,967
- Wow, you really
did your research.
152
00:05:38,967 --> 00:05:40,367
- I didn't shower.
153
00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:42,470
- Oh, my god.
154
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:43,727
You look
exactly like him...
155
00:05:43,733 --> 00:05:45,373
but fatter.
[chuckles]
156
00:05:45,367 --> 00:05:48,067
- But I am him.
157
00:05:48,067 --> 00:05:49,967
Me.
158
00:05:49,967 --> 00:05:51,227
- Hot Pockets
159
00:05:51,233 --> 00:05:53,073
Hot Pockets
160
00:05:53,067 --> 00:05:55,397
Hot Pockets
161
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,400
Hot Pockets
162
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,230
[muffled laughter]
163
00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:01,133
I knew this was
a waste of my time.
164
00:06:01,133 --> 00:06:02,773
[paper crumpling]
165
00:06:04,467 --> 00:06:07,397
[muffled laughter]
166
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:11,070
- Wait, aren't you the punter
for the Seattle Seahawks?
167
00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:12,367
- I'm also an actor.
168
00:06:12,367 --> 00:06:13,827
- Oh.
169
00:06:13,833 --> 00:06:15,533
Cool.
170
00:06:15,533 --> 00:06:16,933
- Do you have sunscreen?
171
00:06:16,933 --> 00:06:18,833
[muffled laughter]
172
00:06:18,833 --> 00:06:21,933
- I mean, it's just fun
to play a big fat slob.
173
00:06:21,933 --> 00:06:23,633
- And Raj loved you.
174
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:25,073
- That's so exciting.
175
00:06:25,067 --> 00:06:26,627
- Can you gain 60 or 70 pounds?
176
00:06:26,633 --> 00:06:28,803
- Couldn't I wear, like,
a fat suit or a prego pad?
177
00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,100
- That's a good point.
178
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:31,100
Yeah.
- Yeah. Awesome.
179
00:06:31,100 --> 00:06:32,470
[mimics hammer tapping]
180
00:06:32,467 --> 00:06:33,627
Nailed it.
181
00:06:34,533 --> 00:06:36,133
Good luck, Jimmy.
182
00:06:36,133 --> 00:06:38,773
- Okay, next up is Jim...
183
00:06:38,767 --> 00:06:39,567
Gaffigan?
184
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:41,197
- Uh, that's me.
185
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,200
- All right, you can just
put your stuff on the chair.
186
00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:44,370
I got this one.
187
00:06:45,533 --> 00:06:47,233
- Uh, Dave's not here?
188
00:06:47,233 --> 00:06:49,803
- Oh, the executive producer
never comes to initial castings.
189
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,400
You're going on tape.
190
00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:53,730
- Oh, I just figured,
you know, I know him.
191
00:06:53,733 --> 00:06:54,773
I thought he'd be here.
192
00:06:54,767 --> 00:06:56,367
- Here's how it works.
193
00:06:56,367 --> 00:06:58,667
For the first round, it's
just the casting director.
194
00:06:58,667 --> 00:07:00,627
- Oh, you're
the casting director.
195
00:07:00,633 --> 00:07:03,533
- No, I am
the casting associate.
196
00:07:03,533 --> 00:07:05,103
The casting director
just left.
197
00:07:05,100 --> 00:07:06,070
He has SoulCycle class.
198
00:07:06,067 --> 00:07:07,497
He'll watch your tape.
199
00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:09,400
If he likes it, he'll show it
to the producers.
200
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,870
If they like it, you'll get
what's called a callback.
201
00:07:11,867 --> 00:07:13,167
- I understand.
202
00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:14,727
I've auditioned before.
203
00:07:14,733 --> 00:07:17,533
- Okay, can we get started?
204
00:07:17,533 --> 00:07:19,373
- Yes, please.
- Okay, great.
205
00:07:19,367 --> 00:07:20,967
Slate: your name
and the character.
206
00:07:20,967 --> 00:07:23,897
- Jim Gaffigan
auditioning for...
207
00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:25,070
Jim Gaffigan.
208
00:07:25,067 --> 00:07:26,867
- Okay, we're just gonna
get into it.
209
00:07:26,867 --> 00:07:28,827
I will cue you.
I will read as Dave.
210
00:07:28,833 --> 00:07:30,573
And remember,
you're a white-bread shlub
211
00:07:30,567 --> 00:07:32,297
trapped in
a loveless marriage.
212
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:33,830
And...
213
00:07:33,833 --> 00:07:36,833
"Jim, you turned down
$1 million?"
214
00:07:36,833 --> 00:07:39,473
- Dave, I have five children
that I have to feed--
215
00:07:39,467 --> 00:07:41,167
- Oh, that's an old script.
216
00:07:41,167 --> 00:07:43,067
You're gonna need
the new pages.
217
00:07:43,067 --> 00:07:44,167
- New pages?
218
00:07:44,167 --> 00:07:45,967
- Yeah, those are, like,
super old.
219
00:07:45,967 --> 00:07:48,327
Don't even regard this anymore.
- But I'm a writer on the show.
220
00:07:48,333 --> 00:07:51,203
- All right, I'm just gonna
keep the camera rolling.
221
00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:52,700
And...
222
00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:54,930
"Jim, you turned down
$1 million?"
223
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:57,333
- "Yes, I know
I need the money,
224
00:07:57,333 --> 00:08:01,433
but I'm not gonna let those Jews
in Hollywood tell me"--
225
00:08:01,433 --> 00:08:02,433
Wha--okay, wait.
226
00:08:02,433 --> 00:08:03,873
I would never say this.
227
00:08:03,867 --> 00:08:05,527
- Could you just read the lines
as written?
228
00:08:05,533 --> 00:08:06,973
- Okay, fine.
229
00:08:06,967 --> 00:08:08,067
Um...
230
00:08:08,067 --> 00:08:09,167
"Your people, Dave.
231
00:08:09,167 --> 00:08:10,667
"I'm not saying
Hitler was right.
232
00:08:10,667 --> 00:08:12,367
I'm just saying"--
Wait a minute.
233
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:14,297
You know, I--
I can't say this.
234
00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:15,870
- It's not you saying it.
235
00:08:15,867 --> 00:08:17,527
It's the character
saying it.
236
00:08:17,533 --> 00:08:19,073
Jim Gaffigan
is saying it.
237
00:08:19,067 --> 00:08:21,067
- But that's me.
I'm Jim Ga--
238
00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:23,827
You know, I--I can't do this.
I'm sorry.
239
00:08:23,833 --> 00:08:24,903
- Not everyone can.
240
00:08:24,900 --> 00:08:26,270
But, you know, stick around.
241
00:08:26,267 --> 00:08:28,067
I'd love to see you read
for Doughy Waiter.
242
00:08:28,067 --> 00:08:29,427
[man humming and beatboxing]
243
00:08:29,433 --> 00:08:31,303
Okay.
244
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:32,700
- Hey, John.
245
00:08:32,700 --> 00:08:34,800
- Hey, Jim.
How are you?
246
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:36,530
- We got to do something
about Dave.
247
00:08:36,533 --> 00:08:39,073
These script rewrites
are ridiculous.
248
00:08:39,067 --> 00:08:42,067
- Oh, you haven't heard?
I'm off that project now.
249
00:08:42,067 --> 00:08:43,267
I'm in LA.
250
00:08:43,267 --> 00:08:45,427
Yeah, Dave's
all your problem now.
251
00:08:45,433 --> 00:08:46,433
- LA?
252
00:08:46,433 --> 00:08:47,873
- Yeah, it's the best.
253
00:08:47,867 --> 00:08:50,397
Why would anyone make a TV show
in New York City?
254
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,070
- Why do you get to quit?
255
00:08:52,067 --> 00:08:54,227
Aren't you afraid of
being perceived as difficult?
256
00:08:54,233 --> 00:08:56,273
- Oh, Jim, people love me.
257
00:08:56,267 --> 00:08:57,597
I'm John Mulaney.
258
00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,670
I'm adorable.
259
00:08:59,667 --> 00:09:01,667
Jim, I'm gonna hang up now.
260
00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:03,967
- Who--who is
writing the script?
261
00:09:03,967 --> 00:09:06,327
- Apparently Dave's writing
the whole thing himself.
262
00:09:06,333 --> 00:09:07,673
Okay.
Okay, bye.
263
00:09:07,667 --> 00:09:08,927
- Dave is?
264
00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:11,930
- [sighs]
265
00:09:11,933 --> 00:09:15,133
[man humming and beatboxing]
266
00:09:15,133 --> 00:09:23,073
267
00:09:24,833 --> 00:09:25,973
- Beat it.
[snaps]
268
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,700
- What do you want?
269
00:09:36,333 --> 00:09:37,333
- I'm sorry.
270
00:09:37,333 --> 00:09:38,533
Okay?
271
00:09:38,533 --> 00:09:40,173
I should have asked you
to run this show
272
00:09:40,167 --> 00:09:41,527
in the first place.
273
00:09:41,533 --> 00:09:44,933
I just didn't realize it
until I fired Mulaney.
274
00:09:44,933 --> 00:09:46,503
- I thought Mulaney quit.
275
00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:48,400
- Why do you think
I fired him?
276
00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:49,470
Listen.
277
00:09:49,467 --> 00:09:50,667
I need help
with the script.
278
00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:52,197
The table read
is tomorrow.
279
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,300
- Tomorrow?
280
00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:54,700
No one tells me anything.
281
00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:56,070
- I don't know what to do.
282
00:09:56,067 --> 00:09:57,727
"The Weatherman" thing
isn't happening.
283
00:09:57,733 --> 00:10:00,003
You know, I'm no longer
a private investigator.
284
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,130
Ferrell just told me
to come up with something new.
285
00:10:02,133 --> 00:10:03,933
You know, I don't know
what that means.
286
00:10:03,933 --> 00:10:05,603
I'm supposed to have been
writing this entire time.
287
00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:06,970
I got nothing.
288
00:10:06,967 --> 00:10:08,997
- Well, I can't
write the script for you.
289
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,830
Haven't you
tortured me enough?
290
00:10:10,833 --> 00:10:14,403
I just bombed at an audition
to play myself.
291
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:15,430
- Audition?
What are you--
292
00:10:15,433 --> 00:10:16,473
We already cast that role.
293
00:10:16,467 --> 00:10:17,967
- With who?
294
00:10:17,967 --> 00:10:19,697
- Can you stop
talking about yourself
295
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,430
for just one minute, okay?
Can't you see I'm in a crisis?
296
00:10:21,433 --> 00:10:23,403
I'm squandering
the opportunity of a lifetime.
297
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,830
Ferrell's convinced that
this show's gonna be epic.
298
00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:29,003
Meanwhile, I'm just--
I'm scared.
299
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:31,330
I'm scared.
You gotta help me.
300
00:10:31,333 --> 00:10:33,273
- Well, the reason
you're struggling is 'cause
301
00:10:33,267 --> 00:10:36,127
you're trying to make this show
about other people's ideas.
302
00:10:36,133 --> 00:10:38,073
You got this opportunity
from TV Land
303
00:10:38,067 --> 00:10:40,297
because they saw you
at Carolines.
304
00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:41,600
You:
305
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,500
an edgy stand-up comedian
from Jersey City
306
00:10:44,500 --> 00:10:46,430
who lives with his mom.
307
00:10:46,433 --> 00:10:48,133
You gotta write
what you know.
308
00:10:48,133 --> 00:10:51,503
Tell your story.
309
00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:53,000
- My story.
310
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,170
I don't know.
You think I can do it?
311
00:10:55,167 --> 00:10:57,067
- I know you can do it.
312
00:10:57,067 --> 00:10:59,497
I mean, I'm pretty sure
you can do it.
313
00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:00,730
- No, you're right.
314
00:11:00,733 --> 00:11:02,673
I can do it.
315
00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:06,497
You're--
you're a true friend.
316
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:07,900
See you tomorrow?
317
00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:09,930
- I'll be there.
318
00:11:09,933 --> 00:11:10,873
- Okay.
319
00:11:12,233 --> 00:11:14,403
I gotta go back to treating you
like [bleep] now.
320
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,100
- I understand.
321
00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:18,070
- Good.
322
00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:19,067
[whistles sharply, snaps]
323
00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:22,427
[man humming and beatboxing]
324
00:11:22,433 --> 00:11:30,373
325
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:35,897
[kids chattering indistinctly]
326
00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:37,170
- What's this?
327
00:11:37,167 --> 00:11:38,167
- Oh, Jim.
328
00:11:38,167 --> 00:11:39,367
- What?
329
00:11:39,367 --> 00:11:40,827
- My herb garden.
330
00:11:40,833 --> 00:11:42,503
It's gone.
331
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:43,900
- What herb garden?
332
00:11:43,900 --> 00:11:46,900
- We got outbid
on our dream apartment.
333
00:11:46,900 --> 00:11:50,570
- Oh, I'm sorry.
334
00:11:50,567 --> 00:11:51,567
[sighs]
335
00:11:51,567 --> 00:11:52,697
[mouths word]
336
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:55,070
[paper rustles]
337
00:12:03,467 --> 00:12:04,927
[clears throat]
338
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:14,573
[chuckles]
339
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,697
[space bar thudding]
340
00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:19,700
[keys clacking
and triumphant music]
341
00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:21,130
[typewriter dinging]
342
00:12:21,133 --> 00:12:28,773
343
00:12:28,767 --> 00:12:30,097
I'm diabetic, Ma!
344
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:31,430
- This is the end
345
00:12:31,433 --> 00:12:32,433
- [cooing indistinctly]
346
00:12:32,433 --> 00:12:33,573
Look at the size
of that.
347
00:12:33,567 --> 00:12:34,767
- You made your choice
348
00:12:34,767 --> 00:12:36,067
And now my chance is over
349
00:12:36,067 --> 00:12:38,667
- Just born that way.
350
00:12:38,667 --> 00:12:39,797
- I thought I was in
351
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,530
352
00:12:42,533 --> 00:12:43,733
- And you got me
353
00:12:43,733 --> 00:12:45,273
on my knees.
354
00:12:45,267 --> 00:12:46,527
- Nowhere
355
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:47,533
[typewriter dings]
356
00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:49,703
- [laughs hysterically]
357
00:12:49,700 --> 00:12:51,200
- Darlin'
358
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:53,070
I am down
but I am far from over
359
00:12:53,067 --> 00:12:55,467
- [muttering indistinctly]
360
00:12:55,467 --> 00:12:56,667
361
00:12:56,667 --> 00:12:59,427
[muttering indistinctly]
362
00:12:59,433 --> 00:13:00,673
363
00:13:00,667 --> 00:13:02,427
- Give me somethin'
364
00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:04,203
- [laughs]
365
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:07,300
- I need it all
'cause I am runnin' over
366
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:08,300
- [slaps, sniffs]
367
00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:09,430
[typewriter dings]
368
00:13:09,433 --> 00:13:11,703
Mom, please,
come on, the two of you!
369
00:13:11,700 --> 00:13:13,630
370
00:13:13,633 --> 00:13:15,873
[muttering indistinctly]
371
00:13:15,867 --> 00:13:18,867
[music crescendos dramatically]
372
00:13:18,867 --> 00:13:21,697
373
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:22,830
[key clacks]
374
00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:28,467
[man humming and beatboxing]
375
00:13:28,467 --> 00:13:35,467
376
00:13:35,467 --> 00:13:36,527
- Hello!
377
00:13:36,533 --> 00:13:39,403
Hey, how's it going?
378
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:40,770
Everyone good?
379
00:13:40,767 --> 00:13:42,067
Big day.
380
00:13:42,067 --> 00:13:44,227
Can someone make me
a cappuccino?
381
00:13:44,233 --> 00:13:45,303
Two shots.
382
00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:46,370
[laughter]
383
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,297
Hi, Carol.
There's Carol.
384
00:13:48,300 --> 00:13:50,530
There's Trent
from Marketing.
385
00:13:50,533 --> 00:13:51,533
Hi, Trent.
386
00:13:51,533 --> 00:13:53,333
Hi.
There's Jim!
387
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:54,703
Jim, can you--
388
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:56,670
- Uh, okay.
389
00:13:56,667 --> 00:13:58,867
- Hang on, everyone.
390
00:13:58,867 --> 00:14:00,667
[whispering]
Hey, Jim.
391
00:14:00,667 --> 00:14:02,067
Where's the script?
392
00:14:02,067 --> 00:14:03,067
- [chuckles]
393
00:14:03,067 --> 00:14:04,467
You don't have the script?
394
00:14:04,467 --> 00:14:05,567
- I don't have it.
395
00:14:05,567 --> 00:14:06,927
No.
- Uh...
396
00:14:06,933 --> 00:14:09,403
Uh, well, you know,
I talked to Dave earlier.
397
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,570
He was just doing
some finishing touches,
398
00:14:12,567 --> 00:14:15,067
and the script will be here
in moments.
399
00:14:15,067 --> 00:14:16,067
- Okay, well, I'm just--
400
00:14:16,067 --> 00:14:17,897
I'm just gonna cover, okay?
401
00:14:17,900 --> 00:14:19,830
- I think everyone
can hear us.
402
00:14:19,833 --> 00:14:21,803
- No, 'cause I'm whispering.
403
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:23,300
- Uh, okay.
404
00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:24,730
- [regular voice]
Welcome...
405
00:14:24,733 --> 00:14:26,203
everyone.
406
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,770
TV Land!
407
00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:30,427
We are here,
408
00:14:30,433 --> 00:14:33,833
and we are waiting
for a script.
409
00:14:33,833 --> 00:14:35,073
Uh...
410
00:14:35,067 --> 00:14:37,927
And that's the end
of my speech.
411
00:14:37,933 --> 00:14:41,073
[applause]
412
00:14:41,067 --> 00:14:43,467
Thanks.
Thanks for the...
413
00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:46,167
Now, at this point,
I would like to introduce
414
00:14:46,167 --> 00:14:51,397
the cocreator of the show,
Mr. Jim Gaffigan.
415
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,670
And, uh, Jim,
why don't you tell everyone
416
00:14:53,667 --> 00:14:55,967
how we ended up here today?
417
00:14:55,967 --> 00:14:57,667
Jim Gaffigan.
418
00:14:57,667 --> 00:14:59,667
[claps]
419
00:14:59,667 --> 00:15:01,467
- Uh, uh, okay.
420
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:03,097
Uh...hi.
421
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:06,400
I met Will when I was
422
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:08,530
pitching him
another idea for a show.
423
00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:13,373
It was about a weatherman
who moves to New York.
424
00:15:13,367 --> 00:15:15,867
The guy's from Gary, Indiana,
425
00:15:15,867 --> 00:15:18,427
you know, where they make
the bathroom smell.
426
00:15:18,433 --> 00:15:19,273
[laughter]
427
00:15:19,267 --> 00:15:20,967
The bath.
- Yeah.
428
00:15:20,967 --> 00:15:22,397
- And everyone in New York
429
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:25,070
is really condescending
to the weatherman.
430
00:15:25,067 --> 00:15:26,597
They're like,
"Oh, you from Indiana?
431
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:27,600
"Well, welcome.
432
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:29,070
Is electricity."
433
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:30,597
[laughter]
434
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,830
And what's great about
this weatherman is that--
435
00:15:32,833 --> 00:15:33,873
- Hey. Hey!
I'm here.
436
00:15:33,867 --> 00:15:35,497
- And here he is now.
437
00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:37,130
Hi, Dave!
438
00:15:37,133 --> 00:15:40,173
[applause]
The epic voice of a generation.
439
00:15:40,167 --> 00:15:41,927
[applause continues]
440
00:15:41,933 --> 00:15:42,973
- Thank you, thank you.
441
00:15:42,967 --> 00:15:44,067
Hi, Will.
442
00:15:44,067 --> 00:15:46,067
I'm Dave Marks.
443
00:15:46,067 --> 00:15:48,227
I'm a writer, director,
executive producer,
444
00:15:48,233 --> 00:15:50,703
creator, star
of the "Dave Marks Show."
445
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:53,400
Let's open our scripts.
446
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:56,600
Exterior. Night.
447
00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:01,470
A crane shot
swooshes down to dissolve
448
00:16:01,467 --> 00:16:05,327
to a hip downtown nightclub
bistro, Cherche Midi.
449
00:16:05,333 --> 00:16:08,273
The door bangs open
like a clap of thunder
450
00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:11,197
and a French over shot
reveals a casually sexy
451
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:13,970
strapping youngish man
in a tight leather jacket.
452
00:16:13,967 --> 00:16:18,967
Every man wants to be him.
453
00:16:18,967 --> 00:16:22,367
Every woman
wants to be with him.
454
00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:24,397
[triumphant music resumes]
455
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,970
There was a hole,
a hole in his heart
456
00:16:27,967 --> 00:16:30,967
that only a mother's love
could fill.
457
00:16:30,967 --> 00:16:34,397
[triumphant music resumes]
458
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:38,370
Dave's beautiful date
looks at him hungrily.
459
00:16:38,367 --> 00:16:40,427
Doughy Waiter approaches.
460
00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:43,070
Doughy Waiter approaches.
461
00:16:43,067 --> 00:16:44,167
Jim!
462
00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:47,770
- Uh, uh,
463
00:16:47,767 --> 00:16:50,927
would you like
still or sparkling, madam?
464
00:16:50,933 --> 00:16:53,873
[pen scratching]
465
00:16:53,867 --> 00:16:56,867
[triumphant music]
466
00:16:56,867 --> 00:17:00,197
467
00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:02,370
Dave's friend Jim
enters the room.
468
00:17:02,367 --> 00:17:05,697
- Girl, I can't watch
eight kids by myself.
469
00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:08,130
- Jim's hot but bitchy wife,
Jeannie, follows him in.
470
00:17:08,133 --> 00:17:09,403
She wears a giant crucifix
471
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:11,370
buried in her
alabaster cleavage.
472
00:17:11,367 --> 00:17:13,367
Her sheer, almost transparent
white blouse
473
00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:15,167
reveals totally natural
zaftig breasts
474
00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:16,327
that could feed an army.
475
00:17:16,333 --> 00:17:18,773
- That Dave Marks
is so sexy.
476
00:17:18,767 --> 00:17:22,797
- Jeannie and Dave Marks
share a brief kiss.
477
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,400
- That's not necessary.
- Well, I thought it would--
478
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:25,800
- Save it for the day.
479
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,170
- Wouldn't that help you
a little or--
480
00:17:28,933 --> 00:17:30,873
Begin...
481
00:17:30,867 --> 00:17:33,197
the animated sequence.
482
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:36,070
[triumphant music resumes]
483
00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:37,327
- You might want to
treat your woman
484
00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:39,273
with a little bit more respect.
485
00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:40,667
Oh, is that right?
486
00:17:40,667 --> 00:17:42,297
Is that what they do
in heimy town?
487
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:43,800
Heimy town?
488
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:44,970
Come on!
489
00:17:44,967 --> 00:17:47,227
[grunting]
490
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,073
[triumphant music]
491
00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:50,197
- Pshoo!
492
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,370
493
00:17:51,367 --> 00:17:53,827
Jim, you give me the gun.
494
00:17:53,833 --> 00:17:55,873
It's okay, man.
495
00:17:55,867 --> 00:17:57,667
[gunshot sound effect]
496
00:17:57,667 --> 00:17:58,767
- Watch out!
497
00:17:58,767 --> 00:17:59,897
[gunshot sound effect]
498
00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:02,600
[machine gun fire]
499
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,100
He's dead.
Foshay, he's dead.
500
00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:07,530
- Save me, darlin'
501
00:18:07,533 --> 00:18:11,273
I am down
but I am far from over
502
00:18:11,267 --> 00:18:13,327
503
00:18:13,333 --> 00:18:16,073
Give me somethin'
504
00:18:16,067 --> 00:18:20,097
I need it all
'cause I am runnin' over
505
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,430
506
00:18:22,433 --> 00:18:24,903
Save me, darlin'
507
00:18:24,900 --> 00:18:29,200
I am down
but I am far from over
508
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:33,630
I'm runnin' over
509
00:18:33,633 --> 00:18:34,703
- Hey, look.
510
00:18:34,700 --> 00:18:36,730
I'm just a simple
edgy comedian
511
00:18:36,733 --> 00:18:38,673
who lives in Jersey City
with his mom.
512
00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:43,097
trying to make this little
blue marble a better place.
513
00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:46,100
Dave and Jeannie kiss again.
514
00:18:46,100 --> 00:18:47,730
[both speak indistinctly]
515
00:18:47,733 --> 00:18:49,233
- Must...
516
00:18:49,233 --> 00:18:51,303
have more tongue.
517
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:54,630
- Oh, there's plenty more tongue
to go around...
518
00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:55,603
and around.
519
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:58,730
[music crescendos dramatically]
520
00:18:58,733 --> 00:19:00,073
521
00:19:00,067 --> 00:19:01,067
And scene.
522
00:19:01,067 --> 00:19:02,927
[all groaning]
523
00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:04,203
- God.
524
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:05,770
- [clapping]
Excellent.
525
00:19:05,767 --> 00:19:08,327
- All right,
that's the end of act one.
526
00:19:09,433 --> 00:19:13,173
Foshay, can you hand out
act two?
527
00:19:13,167 --> 00:19:14,367
[all groaning]
528
00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:15,967
- Wait, act one is over already?
529
00:19:15,967 --> 00:19:17,367
[scoffs]
530
00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:18,627
- Mr. Ferrell,
who are you talking to?
531
00:19:18,633 --> 00:19:20,173
Have you taken
your medication today?
532
00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:21,697
- What medication?
533
00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:22,870
[chuckles]
534
00:19:22,867 --> 00:19:23,827
What are you doing?
535
00:19:23,833 --> 00:19:25,203
- Mr. Ferrell, it appears you
536
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:27,070
haven't taken your medication
in over a month.
537
00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:28,397
- You get away from me, okay?
538
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:31,400
Or I'll report you
to President Eisenhower.
539
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,970
- Let's go, Mr. Ferrell.
- Yes!
540
00:19:32,967 --> 00:19:34,197
Unhand me, you cad.
541
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:36,870
I'm the mother of dragons!
542
00:19:36,867 --> 00:19:38,197
I'm a mother of dragons!
543
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:41,330
[man humming and beatboxing]
544
00:19:47,467 --> 00:19:49,467
- It's too bad about Will,
right?
545
00:19:49,467 --> 00:19:50,467
I hope he's okay.
546
00:19:50,467 --> 00:19:52,727
- Network pinheads, man.
547
00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,873
I mean, first they're
all over me, right?
548
00:19:54,867 --> 00:19:56,867
I mean, they're
kissing my ass, right?
549
00:19:56,867 --> 00:19:59,797
Now they won't even
return my phone calls, man.
550
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:02,530
I mean, they don't know
how to deal with artists.
551
00:20:02,533 --> 00:20:04,203
- So pulled the plug, huh?
552
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:05,670
- They cancelled
the whole project, man.
553
00:20:05,667 --> 00:20:08,227
- I hope it wasn't
my Doughy Waiter line.
554
00:20:08,233 --> 00:20:09,903
- I think it's better
for my career
555
00:20:09,900 --> 00:20:11,670
to have a show
that's cancelled.
556
00:20:11,667 --> 00:20:14,467
My fans are gonna worship me
like I'm a martyr.
557
00:20:14,467 --> 00:20:16,027
I'm like Dave Chappelle.
558
00:20:16,033 --> 00:20:19,073
- Didn't Chappelle
have a really successful show
559
00:20:19,067 --> 00:20:20,197
that he walked away from?
560
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:21,530
- Exactly.
You know?
561
00:20:21,533 --> 00:20:22,873
I don't care
if they didn't like it.
562
00:20:22,867 --> 00:20:24,227
I told my story.
563
00:20:24,233 --> 00:20:25,273
All right?
564
00:20:25,267 --> 00:20:26,597
Thanks for the advice,
buddy.
565
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,770
- Hey, what are friends for?
- [chuckles]
566
00:20:28,767 --> 00:20:31,467
Hey, so who's opening for you
at Governor's next weekend?
567
00:20:31,467 --> 00:20:34,667
[man humming and beatboxing]
568
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:37,197
569
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,370
- Hmm?
570
00:20:41,433 --> 00:20:44,433
[man scatting]
571
00:20:44,433 --> 00:20:47,433
[man singing indistinctly]
572
00:20:47,433 --> 00:20:50,433
[mellow jazzy music]
573
00:20:50,433 --> 00:20:58,573
38204
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