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1
00:00:06,700 --> 00:00:08,000
[man beatboxing]
2
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:09,430
- I happened to hear
that you're, uh,
3
00:00:09,433 --> 00:00:12,173
headlining at Carolines on
Friday night, huh?
4
00:00:12,167 --> 00:00:13,727
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
5
00:00:13,733 --> 00:00:16,273
And you didn't think to ask me
if I'd like to open?
6
00:00:16,267 --> 00:00:17,697
- Dave, you told me you'd rather
7
00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:20,000
eat a urinal cake
than open for me.
8
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,270
- That doesn't mean
you can't ask!
9
00:00:21,267 --> 00:00:22,727
You know? I mean,
this is how you treat me?
10
00:00:22,733 --> 00:00:24,603
Your writing partner?
- Writing partner?
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00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:26,030
- Yeah, your write--right,
think about it.
12
00:00:26,033 --> 00:00:27,233
All you ever do it talk about
food, right?
13
00:00:27,233 --> 00:00:29,003
What does this place do?
They serve food.
14
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,570
Boom. I'm your writing partner.
15
00:00:30,567 --> 00:00:32,467
Remember--remember, I helped you
tag that pickle bit of yours?
16
00:00:32,467 --> 00:00:35,297
- You made a suggestion.
- Yeah, which you took.
17
00:00:35,300 --> 00:00:37,230
I mean, I would think you would
want me to open for you.
18
00:00:37,233 --> 00:00:38,573
- I'm sorry, I--I already
19
00:00:38,567 --> 00:00:40,127
offered it
to Christian Finnegan.
20
00:00:40,133 --> 00:00:43,103
- Christian--oh, wow.
21
00:00:43,100 --> 00:00:44,930
I mean, you barely
know that guy.
22
00:00:44,933 --> 00:00:46,773
Nah, it's good, it's good.
It's good.
23
00:00:46,767 --> 00:00:48,497
'Cause it really helps
put in perspective
24
00:00:48,500 --> 00:00:50,900
who my real friends are.
Wow.
25
00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:53,170
- Dave, we've known him
for 20 years.
26
00:00:53,167 --> 00:00:56,127
What's going on with you?
27
00:00:56,133 --> 00:00:58,473
- Things aren't going
well right now, man.
28
00:00:58,467 --> 00:00:59,897
You know, I used to work
Governor's
29
00:00:59,900 --> 00:01:01,470
four times a year, right?
30
00:01:01,467 --> 00:01:03,227
Now--now--now I can't even get
that--
31
00:01:03,233 --> 00:01:05,303
that jerkoff Trueson to return
my phone calls.
32
00:01:05,300 --> 00:01:06,430
It's ridiculous!
33
00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:07,833
And I--I wasn't gonna
get into it,
34
00:01:07,833 --> 00:01:09,803
but there's personal stuff
as well, you know?
35
00:01:09,800 --> 00:01:13,200
I mean, my--my mom,
she's getting up there,
36
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,300
and...dude, I think
she's starting to lose it.
37
00:01:16,300 --> 00:01:20,270
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- She wants me to pay rent now.
38
00:01:20,267 --> 00:01:22,427
- You don't pay any rent?
39
00:01:22,433 --> 00:01:24,073
- No, I mean,
I help out with groceries.
40
00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:25,297
I mean, not her groceries,
but you know,
41
00:01:25,300 --> 00:01:26,930
if I want something special,
I buy it.
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Unless she buys it.
43
00:01:28,467 --> 00:01:30,067
- Right.
44
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- I think I'm in trouble.
45
00:01:31,867 --> 00:01:34,467
I've been having, like...
46
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I've been having, like,
47
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some kind of crazy thoughts,
man.
48
00:01:38,367 --> 00:01:41,467
- Whoa, whoa--what kind of
crazy thoughts?
49
00:01:41,467 --> 00:01:43,797
- I've been thinking about
getting a day job.
50
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:46,770
- What are you--
come on, that's--
51
00:01:46,767 --> 00:01:48,227
that's crazy.
52
00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:50,903
You--you can't think like that.
53
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I mean, hey, look at me.
54
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You're great.
55
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You--you've got fans.
56
00:01:57,467 --> 00:01:59,327
- Not great enough to open
for you at Carolines.
57
00:01:59,333 --> 00:02:01,073
- [sighs] Look, Dave.
58
00:02:01,067 --> 00:02:04,497
I love you,
but our styles are different.
59
00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:06,700
I--you know, I don't know
if it's a good idea
60
00:02:06,700 --> 00:02:09,100
for me to follow someone who--
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00:02:09,100 --> 00:02:10,630
whose closing bit involves
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00:02:10,633 --> 00:02:12,973
him holding a microphone
to his crotch.
63
00:02:12,967 --> 00:02:14,397
- No, I--I altered that bit.
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00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:15,870
I apparently blew out
some sound system
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00:02:15,867 --> 00:02:18,327
when I stuck the mic
in a woman's beer glass.
66
00:02:18,333 --> 00:02:19,703
It was kind of a big--
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00:02:19,700 --> 00:02:21,970
- Why would you stick
a microphone in a--
68
00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:25,597
- Jim--Jim.
- [sighing]
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00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,070
- Be a friend.
70
00:02:27,067 --> 00:02:29,527
- I don't know if I can
do that to Christian.
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00:02:29,533 --> 00:02:31,933
- But you could do it to Jew.
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00:02:31,933 --> 00:02:35,673
[man beatboxing]
73
00:02:35,667 --> 00:02:37,427
- Jim, would you
like to say "Grace"?
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00:02:37,433 --> 00:02:39,533
- Grace. All right.
75
00:02:39,533 --> 00:02:41,973
Name of the Father, Son,
Holy Spirit, Amen.
76
00:02:41,967 --> 00:02:44,967
[man beatboxing]
77
00:02:44,967 --> 00:02:49,367
78
00:02:49,367 --> 00:02:52,567
[man humming and beatboxing]
79
00:02:52,567 --> 00:03:00,567
80
00:03:02,300 --> 00:03:04,170
- When is Dave not depressed?
81
00:03:04,167 --> 00:03:05,767
- No, he's really out of sorts.
82
00:03:05,767 --> 00:03:08,397
- Oh, is he jealous about
the monthly gig at Carolines?
83
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:09,800
He's such a baby.
84
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,770
- I didn't even tell him
it was a monthly show.
85
00:03:11,767 --> 00:03:15,067
- I'm just so excited for you
to be in town more.
86
00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:17,267
- I'm just glad there's
one weekend a month
87
00:03:17,267 --> 00:03:18,667
I don't have to get on a plane.
88
00:03:18,667 --> 00:03:20,667
- Oh, I'm gonna need some comps.
89
00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:22,327
I invited Sister Pauline
to Carolines,
90
00:03:22,333 --> 00:03:23,703
and she's bringing
three other nuns.
91
00:03:23,700 --> 00:03:25,400
They've done so much
for the school.
92
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:28,270
- Nuns at a comedy show.
Sounds like a great idea.
93
00:03:28,267 --> 00:03:29,727
- Yeah, I'm also gonna need
to give
94
00:03:29,733 --> 00:03:32,103
some comps to
the Bowery Mission.
95
00:03:32,100 --> 00:03:34,770
- Jeannie, if we want
Caroline to see
96
00:03:34,767 --> 00:03:37,497
that I can sell a monthly show,
we can't give away
97
00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:39,800
all these free tickets
to the first one.
98
00:03:39,800 --> 00:03:41,800
- You really want me to charge
nuns for tickets?
99
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,070
- Well, what else are they gonna
do with their money?
100
00:03:44,067 --> 00:03:46,367
Buy beer and cigarettes?
101
00:03:46,367 --> 00:03:48,067
I mean, look, we live
in New York City.
102
00:03:48,067 --> 00:03:51,367
Everyone's gonna ask for comps.
We just have to set boundaries.
103
00:03:51,367 --> 00:03:53,327
You know, the nuns I get.
104
00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:55,103
But after that,
no more free tickets.
105
00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:56,630
[knocking on door]
- Hey.
106
00:03:56,633 --> 00:03:58,473
I'm on my way to SoulCycle.
Wanted to stop by--
107
00:03:58,467 --> 00:03:59,667
- Hi.
- And say "Thank you"
108
00:03:59,667 --> 00:04:01,797
to Jim for the free tickets.
109
00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:04,530
- You offered Daniel comps?
He doesn't even think I'm funny.
110
00:04:04,533 --> 00:04:06,803
- Oh, no. They're not for me.
Uh, no.
111
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,730
Trevor and I are going
to "Hamilton" that night.
112
00:04:08,733 --> 00:04:10,433
His parents are in town
from Arizona.
113
00:04:10,433 --> 00:04:13,073
They're scared of rap music.
No, I'm going to SoulCycle.
114
00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:14,397
Half a glass.
115
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,130
- How are things going
with Mr. Perfect?
116
00:04:16,133 --> 00:04:17,673
- Well, Trevor says
117
00:04:17,667 --> 00:04:19,197
that I'm the best boyfriend
he's ever had.
118
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,330
- Who did he date before?
Satan?
119
00:04:21,333 --> 00:04:22,903
[laughs] Da-zing-ga!
120
00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:25,870
- It's "Ba-zinga."
- No, I say "Da-zing-ga."
121
00:04:25,867 --> 00:04:28,497
Sorry, Daniel. Can't do it.
No free tickets this--
122
00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:29,630
- Daniel, we'll
give you the tickets.
123
00:04:29,633 --> 00:04:31,573
- Thank you, Jeannie.
124
00:04:31,567 --> 00:04:32,627
Who else is on your little show?
125
00:04:32,633 --> 00:04:33,903
Or is just gonna be you,
126
00:04:33,900 --> 00:04:35,530
onstage by yourself,
eating for an hour.
127
00:04:35,533 --> 00:04:37,073
- Yeah, who is opening for you?
128
00:04:37,067 --> 00:04:40,397
- Well, I kind of promised it
to Christian Finnegan,
129
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:44,070
but I think maybe I should
offer it to Dave.
130
00:04:44,067 --> 00:04:45,397
- No.
- Dave Marks?
131
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:47,570
- No, no, no, no, no.
- No. No.
132
00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,427
- This is your first
monthly gig.
133
00:04:49,433 --> 00:04:52,173
You just said it has to go well.
No Dave Marks.
134
00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:55,497
- You're right, I guess I just
feel sorry for Dave.
135
00:04:55,500 --> 00:04:57,170
By the way, that's a great suit.
136
00:04:57,167 --> 00:04:58,627
You almost look exactly like
137
00:04:58,633 --> 00:05:01,373
the love child of Ted Cruz
and Marco Rubio.
138
00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:04,167
- Is that a new bra?
- It's called a camisole.
139
00:05:04,167 --> 00:05:07,227
All right?
And let's keep the eyes up here.
140
00:05:07,233 --> 00:05:09,403
- Hey, you want to go to
SoulCycle with me--[laughing].
141
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,470
Sorry, I couldn't even say it
with a straight face.
142
00:05:11,467 --> 00:05:13,327
I'll see you later.
143
00:05:13,333 --> 00:05:14,633
- He has such a crush on me.
144
00:05:14,633 --> 00:05:15,933
[man beatboxing]
145
00:05:15,933 --> 00:05:18,103
- No fighting, guys.
It's a fun day.
146
00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:20,300
[phone ringing]
147
00:05:20,300 --> 00:05:22,700
- Stevie! What's up?
148
00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:26,070
That's great, you're going
to Bonnaroo.
149
00:05:26,067 --> 00:05:28,367
Is that why you called?
150
00:05:28,367 --> 00:05:30,467
Carolines isn't selling?
151
00:05:30,467 --> 00:05:32,067
But--
152
00:05:32,067 --> 00:05:34,867
Yeah, no, no, no.
I'll do press.
153
00:05:34,867 --> 00:05:37,927
Well, is there any morning radio
that's not in the morning?
154
00:05:37,933 --> 00:05:39,473
[baby crying]
155
00:05:39,467 --> 00:05:42,067
Yeah. No, I understand.
156
00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:44,397
Okay. Thanks.
157
00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,500
Looks like I'm doing
Opie and Jim tomorrow morning.
158
00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:49,200
- Didn't you sleep through that
last time?
159
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,330
- Ah, they won't remember.
160
00:05:51,333 --> 00:05:55,233
- Well, well, well, if it isn't
our good friend Jim Gaffigan.
161
00:05:55,233 --> 00:05:56,473
- Thanks for having me back.
162
00:05:56,467 --> 00:05:57,797
- Well, at least you made it
this time.
163
00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,500
Jim, you remember, last time
164
00:05:59,500 --> 00:06:01,730
he was supposed to be here,
he blew us off?
165
00:06:01,733 --> 00:06:03,133
- I do remember.
What happened with that?
166
00:06:03,133 --> 00:06:05,773
- Well, you know, I, uh--
I slept in.
167
00:06:05,767 --> 00:06:07,167
- What do you mean,
you slept in?
168
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:08,367
- I slept in because
169
00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:09,867
I had a show the night before,
170
00:06:09,867 --> 00:06:12,527
and I had flown in from--yeah.
- Oh!
171
00:06:12,533 --> 00:06:14,233
A stand-up comedy performance?
172
00:06:14,233 --> 00:06:16,203
What's that like?
I mean, I have no idea.
173
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:18,770
I'm just a stupid comedian that
does comedy every night
174
00:06:18,767 --> 00:06:20,127
and still gets up at 5:00 a.m.
for the radio show.
175
00:06:20,133 --> 00:06:21,373
- All right--
- Tell me, please.
176
00:06:21,367 --> 00:06:22,767
- Look, I'm sorry.
177
00:06:22,767 --> 00:06:24,097
I just--I didn't know
you'd remember--
178
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:25,830
- Ah, we're just
messing with you.
179
00:06:25,833 --> 00:06:28,233
Jim Gaffigan's at Carolines
this Friday at 8:00 p.m.
180
00:06:28,233 --> 00:06:30,373
And I'm hearing it might be
a monthly show, huh?
181
00:06:30,367 --> 00:06:31,827
- Well, I hope. We'll see.
182
00:06:31,833 --> 00:06:33,473
- I hope you don't
sleep through it.
183
00:06:33,467 --> 00:06:35,367
- [laughs]
- Uh--oh!
184
00:06:35,367 --> 00:06:37,797
Uh, line two. Who's on the line?
185
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:40,830
- Hey, guys. Dave Marks.
Davemarksthespot.net.
186
00:06:40,833 --> 00:06:42,073
- Hey, Dave!
- What's up, Dave?
187
00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:43,527
- What's up, buddy boy?
How are you?
188
00:06:43,533 --> 00:06:45,833
- Hey, Dave.
- Hey, Jim.
189
00:06:45,833 --> 00:06:47,333
How you doing?
What are you eating?
190
00:06:47,333 --> 00:06:50,333
- Um--
[all laughing]
191
00:06:50,333 --> 00:06:52,573
- What's he not eating?
192
00:06:52,567 --> 00:06:53,697
Hey, for anybody who's stupid
193
00:06:53,700 --> 00:06:55,230
who does not know
who Dave Marks is,
194
00:06:55,233 --> 00:06:57,933
the most underrated stand-up
comic working today by far.
195
00:06:57,933 --> 00:06:58,933
- Absolutely.
- I agree.
196
00:06:58,933 --> 00:07:01,073
- And you guys are buddies?
197
00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:02,767
- Yeah. Yeah.
- You're like the Odd Couple,
198
00:07:02,767 --> 00:07:04,727
but you hang out
with each other.
199
00:07:04,733 --> 00:07:06,533
- Yeah, don't hold that
against me though, huh?
200
00:07:06,533 --> 00:07:08,173
[all laughing]
201
00:07:08,167 --> 00:07:09,727
- Hey, uh, Dave,
Gaffigan's gonna be
202
00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,273
at Carolines this Friday.
203
00:07:11,267 --> 00:07:12,867
You gonna open for him?
- Wow, I'd buy that ticket.
204
00:07:12,867 --> 00:07:14,427
- Yeah, I don't know guys.
205
00:07:14,433 --> 00:07:15,903
You know, I'm pretty busy doing
my own stuff.
206
00:07:15,900 --> 00:07:17,070
You know how it goes.
207
00:07:17,067 --> 00:07:18,727
- Jim, who do you got opening
for you?
208
00:07:18,733 --> 00:07:20,073
- Well, you know, I mean,
that's the thing.
209
00:07:20,067 --> 00:07:21,667
- You got to have Dave Marks
open for you.
210
00:07:21,667 --> 00:07:23,327
- Yeah, come on, you gonna open
for Gaffigan or what?
211
00:07:23,333 --> 00:07:25,803
- Uh, well, Jim didn't ask me
to, so, you know.
212
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:27,900
- What? Come on, Gaffigan.
- Well--I mean--
213
00:07:27,900 --> 00:07:29,300
- You got to have your buddy
open for you.
214
00:07:29,300 --> 00:07:30,330
What's wrong with you?
215
00:07:30,333 --> 00:07:32,233
- Well...uh, all right, Dave,
216
00:07:32,233 --> 00:07:33,773
w-what do you say?
217
00:07:33,767 --> 00:07:35,467
- About what, Jim?
218
00:07:35,467 --> 00:07:37,167
- Uh, About Carolines?
219
00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:38,727
- What--what about it?
220
00:07:38,733 --> 00:07:42,373
- W...will you open for me
at Carolines on Friday?
221
00:07:42,367 --> 00:07:43,967
- Oh, that's nice.
I don't know, man.
222
00:07:43,967 --> 00:07:46,797
I'm pretty swamped.
- Oh, damn.
223
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,130
- Ooh, rejected.
- Awkward.
224
00:07:49,133 --> 00:07:52,133
- I tried. I tried.
- All right!
225
00:07:52,133 --> 00:07:54,373
All right, I'll do it.
I'll move some things around.
226
00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:56,367
Okay? But you owe me.
- Yes!
227
00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:58,967
Nice! Now we're talking!
- You heard it here first.
228
00:07:58,967 --> 00:08:00,667
Dave Marks opening up
for Jim Gaffigan
229
00:08:00,667 --> 00:08:02,897
at Carolines Comedy Club.
230
00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:04,470
This Friday night at 8:00 p.m.
- Yeah.
231
00:08:04,467 --> 00:08:08,397
[man beatboxing]
232
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:09,900
- Hey, Jim!
233
00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:11,730
- Uh, Christian.
- What's up, man?
234
00:08:11,733 --> 00:08:13,103
- W-what are you doing here?
235
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:16,500
- Oh, I'm doing
the Opie and Jim show.
236
00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:18,570
- Oh.
237
00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:19,727
Hey, look, uh, I should--
238
00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:21,833
- Listen, before you say
anything.
239
00:08:21,833 --> 00:08:23,333
I just got to tell you, man.
240
00:08:23,333 --> 00:08:24,703
Working with you at Carolines
241
00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:26,530
is like a watershed moment
in my career.
242
00:08:26,533 --> 00:08:29,303
My dad is actually coming down
from Massachusetts.
243
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:31,400
Assuming the nurses let him.
- Oh.
244
00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:33,700
- So I just want to say,
from the bottom of my heart,
245
00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:35,630
thank you.
246
00:08:35,633 --> 00:08:38,633
- Uh, you're welcome.
247
00:08:38,633 --> 00:08:45,173
248
00:08:48,267 --> 00:08:49,697
[upbeat music]
249
00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:51,100
- No seats left. Sorry.
250
00:08:51,100 --> 00:08:53,930
[all groaning]
- Sold out, huh?
251
00:08:53,933 --> 00:08:55,933
- We would have been,
but we're turning people away
252
00:08:55,933 --> 00:08:58,073
because of your last-minute
request for 20 comps.
253
00:08:58,067 --> 00:08:59,567
- What?
- 20 comps?
254
00:08:59,567 --> 00:09:02,697
- Yeah, Jim's road manager
called them in this afternoon.
255
00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:04,230
- Road manager?
256
00:09:04,233 --> 00:09:08,403
Ron, I'm sorry.
Let me deal with this.
257
00:09:08,400 --> 00:09:11,400
[frenetic drum solo]
258
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:19,330
259
00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:38,227
[all talking at once]
260
00:09:38,233 --> 00:09:41,603
- There's, like,
no service in here.
261
00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,600
- Who are you?
- Me?
262
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,270
The--I'm Jim Gaffigan.
263
00:09:46,267 --> 00:09:48,267
- Oh, hey, buddy.
It's--It's okay.
264
00:09:48,267 --> 00:09:51,067
He's--he's on the bill with me.
- Oh, you're right.
265
00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:53,367
He does look like
Philip Seymour Hoffman.
266
00:09:53,367 --> 00:09:56,167
- Dave...
- Oh, Jim, just, uh,
267
00:09:56,167 --> 00:09:57,967
if--excuse me, ladies,
just--just for one second.
268
00:09:57,967 --> 00:09:59,267
- Come on, road manager.
- Jim, Jim.
269
00:09:59,267 --> 00:10:00,797
You got to help me out, here.
270
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,500
- Get them out of
my dressing room.
271
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,300
- J-just relax, okay? Okay?
This is important, all right?
272
00:10:04,300 --> 00:10:06,900
You've heard of the
Make-A-Wish Foundation, right?
273
00:10:06,900 --> 00:10:08,700
- Oh, my God. They have cancer?
- No.
274
00:10:08,700 --> 00:10:10,470
I mean, not personally,
but you know,
275
00:10:10,467 --> 00:10:12,727
each of them knows somebody
who does--it's very sad.
276
00:10:12,733 --> 00:10:14,373
- Everyone knows someone
who has cancer.
277
00:10:14,367 --> 00:10:16,227
- No, look. Look, look.
You know--you know--
278
00:10:16,233 --> 00:10:17,873
you know I've been
in a slump, okay?
279
00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:20,097
And I really appreciate you
letting me open for you, okay?
280
00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:22,370
But just--just--they think
I'm co-headlining,
281
00:10:22,367 --> 00:10:26,227
so just please be a friend,
okay?
282
00:10:26,233 --> 00:10:27,573
- Fine.
283
00:10:27,567 --> 00:10:30,267
But...I got to prepare, so--
284
00:10:30,267 --> 00:10:31,627
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.
- All right?
285
00:10:31,633 --> 00:10:33,273
Just a minute.
- Yeah!
286
00:10:33,267 --> 00:10:34,527
Come on.
287
00:10:34,533 --> 00:10:36,233
[man beatboxing]
288
00:10:36,233 --> 00:10:37,403
One more. One more.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
289
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:40,400
Just--just--
- Hey, Jim? We got--
290
00:10:40,400 --> 00:10:43,030
- Oh, hey, honey.
291
00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:45,073
- Could I please talk to you
outside for a second?
292
00:10:45,067 --> 00:10:46,897
- I guess some people
don't knock.
293
00:10:46,900 --> 00:10:50,030
- Yeah. Rude.
294
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:53,127
- Okay, girls, uh,
what's it look like
295
00:10:53,133 --> 00:10:55,503
if, uh, we lose the tops?
296
00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:57,200
- What the hell was
going on in there?
297
00:10:57,200 --> 00:11:01,070
- Those are Dave's friends
from Make-A-Wish.
298
00:11:01,067 --> 00:11:02,827
- You--you believe that?
299
00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:04,273
What happened
to Christian Finnegan?
300
00:11:04,267 --> 00:11:06,527
- There was some
miscommunication, he'll be fine.
301
00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:08,173
- I can't believe you gave
Dave 20 comps
302
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:09,767
and you told me no more.
303
00:11:09,767 --> 00:11:12,227
- I didn't give Dave any.
304
00:11:12,233 --> 00:11:14,373
- Well, anyway, the show
starts in five minutes.
305
00:11:14,367 --> 00:11:16,267
The club wants to release
all the tickets
306
00:11:16,267 --> 00:11:18,367
'cause they're all no-shows--
this does not look good, Jim.
307
00:11:18,367 --> 00:11:20,097
- Of course they should
release them!
308
00:11:20,100 --> 00:11:22,070
I--I'm--I'm gonna go
tell Dave now, all right?
309
00:11:22,067 --> 00:11:24,097
- No, you know what?
Tell him to go to hell.
310
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,830
I'm gonna go check on the nuns.
- All right.
311
00:11:26,833 --> 00:11:29,133
- Thanks!
- Whoo!
312
00:11:29,133 --> 00:11:31,233
- Okay, ladies.
Time to sit down.
313
00:11:31,233 --> 00:11:32,733
They're gonna release
your seats.
314
00:11:32,733 --> 00:11:33,873
- No, no.
- Oh, no, no.
315
00:11:33,867 --> 00:11:35,127
These--these are
my backstage guests.
316
00:11:35,133 --> 00:11:36,373
The--the 20 up front are for
317
00:11:36,367 --> 00:11:38,127
the TV Land execs
that I invited.
318
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:39,673
- Who do you know at TV Land?
319
00:11:39,667 --> 00:11:41,497
- Well, I'm friendly
a female executive
320
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:43,230
if you know what
I'm talking about.
321
00:11:43,233 --> 00:11:45,303
- So you invited 20 people
from TV Land?
322
00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:47,770
Are there even 20 people
at TV Land?
323
00:11:47,767 --> 00:11:49,527
- Hey, listen, man:
a real TV network
324
00:11:49,533 --> 00:11:51,373
is gonna come and watch you do
stand-up, all right?
325
00:11:51,367 --> 00:11:52,797
I said I'd hook you up.
I hooked you up!
326
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,200
- Thank you, but you know what?
327
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:55,930
It doesn't look like
they're coming.
328
00:11:55,933 --> 00:11:57,303
- Oh, they're coming.
- That's right.
329
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,230
- All right, you know what?
Fine.
330
00:11:59,233 --> 00:12:02,503
Can I just please sit down
in my dressing room?
331
00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:03,900
- Of course you can!
332
00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:05,400
There's a stack of chairs
around the corner.
333
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:06,400
Just grab any one.
334
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,800
[chatter]
335
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,130
Okay, let's do one more,
336
00:12:10,133 --> 00:12:11,373
'cause I got to do stand-up!
337
00:12:11,367 --> 00:12:13,127
[all shouting]
338
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:16,333
[frenetic drum solo]
339
00:12:16,333 --> 00:12:24,633
340
00:12:24,633 --> 00:12:26,233
- Ah. Caroline.
341
00:12:26,233 --> 00:12:27,803
Thanks for having me
back at the club.
342
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:31,270
- Do you know there's 20 empty
seats in front of the stage?
343
00:12:31,267 --> 00:12:34,767
- Yeah, uh, sorry about that.
I didn't know about--
344
00:12:34,767 --> 00:12:38,727
That's Dave Marks, my opener.
345
00:12:38,733 --> 00:12:40,303
- You brought Dave Marks?
346
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:42,330
Don't you know Dave Marks
is banned from Carolines?
347
00:12:42,333 --> 00:12:44,533
He shorted out our sound system.
348
00:12:44,533 --> 00:12:46,773
- That was here?
349
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:48,267
- Welcome to Carolines--
- Ron!
350
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:49,467
- On Broadway!
- [whistling]
351
00:12:49,467 --> 00:12:50,297
See you on the ice.
352
00:12:50,300 --> 00:12:51,330
- Turn off those phones
353
00:12:51,333 --> 00:12:53,373
and get ready for a great show!
354
00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:55,867
355
00:12:55,867 --> 00:12:58,167
[cheers and applause]
356
00:13:01,767 --> 00:13:03,297
- Please welcome the opening
act for Jim Gaffigan,
357
00:13:03,300 --> 00:13:05,230
Dave Marks!
358
00:13:05,233 --> 00:13:07,833
[cheers and applause]
359
00:13:07,833 --> 00:13:09,403
- Thank you.
360
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:11,170
Thank you, thank you.
361
00:13:11,167 --> 00:13:14,527
Wow.
Opening for Jim Gaffigan.
362
00:13:14,533 --> 00:13:16,403
[laughing]
363
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,200
It's a little bit like, uh,
364
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,630
the Stones opening for,
I don't know,
365
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:21,633
like Milli Vanilli?
366
00:13:21,633 --> 00:13:23,573
[laughter]
367
00:13:23,567 --> 00:13:25,067
No, no, it's funny, it's funny,
368
00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:26,597
it's funny what he does,
you know?
369
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:28,400
I don't know if you've ever
seen his set list.
370
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,830
It's a menu and
no birth control.
371
00:13:30,833 --> 00:13:32,533
[laughter]
372
00:13:32,533 --> 00:13:34,703
But what do you care, right?
I mean, you're at Carolines.
373
00:13:34,700 --> 00:13:38,300
Right? Carolines! Oh!
That's great!
374
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:42,270
"Oh, honey, we went to Broadway!
We went to Carolines!"
375
00:13:42,267 --> 00:13:44,167
Right? You probably just ate at
the Olive Garden.
376
00:13:44,167 --> 00:13:46,467
Am I right?
Come on, show of hands.
377
00:13:46,467 --> 00:13:48,667
Who ate at the Olive Garden?
Yes!
378
00:13:48,667 --> 00:13:50,067
Right here. We have one.
379
00:13:50,067 --> 00:13:52,467
Oh, you definitely--
you ate the Olive Garden.
380
00:13:52,467 --> 00:13:54,427
He's nodding "Yeah. Yeah."
381
00:13:54,433 --> 00:13:57,633
What's the matter?
They run out of breadsticks?
382
00:13:57,633 --> 00:13:59,633
Look at this.
Look at all these empty seats.
383
00:13:59,633 --> 00:14:01,433
You see this?
These were all supposed to be
384
00:14:01,433 --> 00:14:03,703
TV Land executives.
385
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:05,770
I guess they're busy--
they got caught up in a meeting
386
00:14:05,767 --> 00:14:08,467
trying to figure out how to get
even less people
387
00:14:08,467 --> 00:14:10,297
to watch their network.
388
00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:11,570
[laughter]
389
00:14:11,567 --> 00:14:12,727
Right?
390
00:14:12,733 --> 00:14:14,073
I go through the trouble of,
like,
391
00:14:14,067 --> 00:14:15,597
sleeping with this skank,
392
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:17,800
and they don't even show up!
393
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:19,600
[laughter]
394
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:21,970
Oh, this one is sad.
This one is sad.
395
00:14:21,967 --> 00:14:25,727
Did I offend you?
Is it that time of the month?
396
00:14:25,733 --> 00:14:26,933
[laughter]
397
00:14:26,933 --> 00:14:31,403
"I just want my Midol!"
398
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,330
Hey, look at this! Look at this!
Look what we got here!
399
00:14:33,333 --> 00:14:35,073
It's TV Land, everybody!
400
00:14:35,067 --> 00:14:39,227
Oh, wow, thank you for gracing
us with your presence.
401
00:14:39,233 --> 00:14:40,833
Thank you. Come on.
Sit your asses down.
402
00:14:40,833 --> 00:14:42,333
Let's go.
What are you waiting for?
403
00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:45,603
The Golden Girls to rise
from the dead?
404
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:47,630
Anyway, yeah, so I live
in Jersey City,
405
00:14:47,633 --> 00:14:51,373
which I know sounds sexy, right?
Huh?
406
00:14:51,367 --> 00:14:53,067
But not as sexy as the fact
407
00:14:53,067 --> 00:14:56,727
that I live with my mother.
408
00:14:56,733 --> 00:14:58,803
You should--you should hear me
try my pick up line.
409
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:00,230
You know, it's like, uh,
410
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:03,203
"Hey baby, uh, you want to come
back to my place?
411
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:07,330
It's an our on the PATH train
for a nightcap and an enema."
412
00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:10,733
[laughter]
413
00:15:10,733 --> 00:15:13,703
So yeah, in eighth grade,
my mother says to me,
414
00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:17,070
"So, I want to show you
how to put on the condom.
415
00:15:17,067 --> 00:15:18,897
A con-dom!"
416
00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:21,470
So I'm, uh, you know,
I'm taking a leak.
417
00:15:21,467 --> 00:15:23,397
For--for the nuns, I'm peeing.
418
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,570
For the nuns, I'm peeing.
419
00:15:25,567 --> 00:15:28,267
So, I don't know
if you heard about this,
420
00:15:28,267 --> 00:15:32,667
ladies, but there's something
called "Vagina steaming"?
421
00:15:32,667 --> 00:15:34,727
[laughter]
422
00:15:34,733 --> 00:15:37,503
Are you familiar
with vagina steaming?
423
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:39,800
Jim is a good guy--um,
so a lot of people ask,
424
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:42,270
"Jim, you know, is he really
that much of a pig?"
425
00:15:42,267 --> 00:15:45,397
And yeah. Yeah, he is.
426
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:46,970
- We gave him the light
20 minutes ago.
427
00:15:46,967 --> 00:15:48,127
- Yeah.
- Uh,
428
00:15:48,133 --> 00:15:50,303
so my penis has superpowers.
429
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:51,900
That's right.
430
00:15:51,900 --> 00:15:53,630
Betsy knows that.
431
00:15:53,633 --> 00:15:56,833
It actually acts as
a homing device.
432
00:15:56,833 --> 00:15:59,833
[beeping]
433
00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:03,103
[faster beeping]
434
00:16:03,100 --> 00:16:05,330
[slower beeping]
435
00:16:05,333 --> 00:16:08,703
[humming]
436
00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:10,200
[laughter]
437
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,970
I'm not gonna show you
how I used to end that bit.
438
00:16:12,967 --> 00:16:15,427
But suffice it to say,
if any of you
439
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:18,573
lovely ladies would like
to join me backstage,
440
00:16:18,567 --> 00:16:20,197
I'll give you a--
441
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,700
a private performance.
442
00:16:22,700 --> 00:16:24,970
That means you, Caroline!
443
00:16:24,967 --> 00:16:26,627
Still lookin' good!
444
00:16:26,633 --> 00:16:29,473
All righty, looks like I've gone
a little bit over tonight.
445
00:16:29,467 --> 00:16:31,227
I just want to say thank you
and, uh,
446
00:16:31,233 --> 00:16:33,703
introduce your "Headliner."
447
00:16:33,700 --> 00:16:35,230
[applause]
448
00:16:35,233 --> 00:16:37,233
All right, I'm Dave Marks.
449
00:16:37,233 --> 00:16:39,273
[feedback]
450
00:16:39,267 --> 00:16:42,197
[frenetic drum solo]
451
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,870
[cheers and applause]
452
00:16:43,867 --> 00:16:47,327
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
453
00:16:47,333 --> 00:16:50,473
That was, uh, Dave Marks.
454
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:53,567
Um, looks like you guys got to--
455
00:16:53,567 --> 00:16:56,697
oh, uh, this is, uh,
somebody's purse.
456
00:16:56,700 --> 00:16:59,200
Is this somebody's--
there you go.
457
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:01,270
Sorry, ma'am.
458
00:17:01,267 --> 00:17:04,297
Well, anyway.
459
00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:05,870
Uh...
460
00:17:05,867 --> 00:17:08,927
Uh, are you Christian's dad?
461
00:17:08,933 --> 00:17:09,873
[man beatboxing]
462
00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:14,103
- I didn't even know those girls
463
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:15,100
in the dressing room.
464
00:17:15,100 --> 00:17:16,100
Why would I have to pay
465
00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:17,630
to clean up their vomit?
466
00:17:17,633 --> 00:17:20,503
They cancelled all my shows?
467
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:23,930
Okay. All right. Bye.
468
00:17:23,933 --> 00:17:25,573
- Hate to say "I told you so."
469
00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:28,127
- No, you love to say
"I told you so."
470
00:17:28,133 --> 00:17:30,603
You know, I was doing something
471
00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:33,070
nice for a friend
who was in a rut.
472
00:17:33,067 --> 00:17:34,467
What would Jesus do?
473
00:17:34,467 --> 00:17:37,227
- Certainly wouldn't have
Dave Marks open for him.
474
00:17:37,233 --> 00:17:39,133
- Dave actually did very well.
475
00:17:39,133 --> 00:17:40,973
- Jim, he ruined the room.
476
00:17:40,967 --> 00:17:43,627
No one wanted to hear about
you throwing out avocados
477
00:17:43,633 --> 00:17:46,433
after Dave's diatribe
about vagina steaming.
478
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:49,503
It was a disaster.
[knocking on door]
479
00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:52,070
- Jeannie, thank you so much
for the tickets
480
00:17:52,067 --> 00:17:54,067
for Trevor's parents--
they loved the show.
481
00:17:54,067 --> 00:17:57,527
Apparently, Dave made fun
of Trevor's dad
482
00:17:57,533 --> 00:17:59,673
for the way he eats breadsticks!
483
00:17:59,667 --> 00:18:01,567
It was a great idea to have
Dave Marks open for you.
484
00:18:01,567 --> 00:18:03,197
- See? They enjoyed the show.
485
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:05,400
- They did say that the dumb,
pasty bald guy
486
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,970
went on a little bit too long.
487
00:18:07,967 --> 00:18:10,297
- Told you so!
488
00:18:10,300 --> 00:18:11,830
- All right, fine.
489
00:18:11,833 --> 00:18:14,073
I'm gonna tell Dave he can never
open for me again,
490
00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:16,427
and I'm gonna get him to pay
to clean up the vomit.
491
00:18:16,433 --> 00:18:18,073
- Oh, if you're gonna see Dave?
492
00:18:18,067 --> 00:18:20,067
Can you get his autograph
for Trevor's dad?
493
00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:21,597
- You're enjoying this,
aren't you?
494
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:22,600
- Immensely.
495
00:18:22,600 --> 00:18:24,230
[kids shouting]
496
00:18:24,233 --> 00:18:27,673
[man beatboxing]
497
00:18:27,667 --> 00:18:29,697
- Look, about Carolines,
I mean,
498
00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:31,300
w-we should discuss--
- Later.
499
00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:32,400
Listen, listen, listen.
500
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,170
I can't open for you anymore.
501
00:18:34,167 --> 00:18:35,927
- Really?
- No.
502
00:18:35,933 --> 00:18:38,073
- Oh.
- Yeah, I'm too busy.
503
00:18:38,067 --> 00:18:40,067
TV Land offered me
a development deal.
504
00:18:40,067 --> 00:18:42,327
- Doesn't TV Land
just do reruns?
505
00:18:42,333 --> 00:18:43,733
- No, man. Not anymore, man.
506
00:18:43,733 --> 00:18:46,073
Now they're the TV Land of
opportunity, okay?
507
00:18:46,067 --> 00:18:49,067
They're giving me 50 grand
to write a show about myself.
508
00:18:49,067 --> 00:18:51,567
- An autobiographical show
about a comedian?
509
00:18:51,567 --> 00:18:52,727
- Right.
- Wow.
510
00:18:52,733 --> 00:18:54,203
That's never been done before.
511
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,870
- Anyway, $50,000 just to write
the script, right?
512
00:18:56,867 --> 00:18:58,127
And if it goes to series,
which it will,
513
00:18:58,133 --> 00:18:59,503
then there's gonna be
a lot more money.
514
00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:01,600
And, dude, it shoots
in New York City.
515
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,800
Shoots in New York!
516
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,300
Right?
- You know what?
517
00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:07,130
That's--that's amazing.
- It is amazing, right?
518
00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:08,733
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, man. Thank you.
519
00:19:08,733 --> 00:19:10,703
Thank you.
But you know what?
520
00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:12,900
I need some help.
I need a co-writer, you know?
521
00:19:12,900 --> 00:19:14,770
Someone who really knows me,
another comedian
522
00:19:14,767 --> 00:19:16,327
who really gets my style,
523
00:19:16,333 --> 00:19:17,833
knows the New York
comedy scene,
524
00:19:17,833 --> 00:19:19,373
you know, really help me
develop the thing, you know?
525
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:22,067
I didn't get here by myself,
so the least I can do is--
526
00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:24,297
is hook up a good
friend of mine, right?
527
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:27,270
- [gasps] Wow. Yeah, I mean...
528
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:30,067
I--I don't know
what to say, Dave, that's--
529
00:19:30,067 --> 00:19:33,367
- Say "Congratulations,
John Mulaney."
530
00:19:33,367 --> 00:19:35,427
[clicks]
531
00:19:35,433 --> 00:19:37,073
- Mul--Mulaney?
532
00:19:37,067 --> 00:19:38,197
- Good, right?
533
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,130
- But--but you just
described me.
534
00:19:40,133 --> 00:19:43,073
You--you said I was
your writing partner.
535
00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:44,567
- Oh, well, you--
- Yeah!
536
00:19:44,567 --> 00:19:45,827
- No, no--
- Remember the pickle--
537
00:19:45,833 --> 00:19:47,173
- Yeah, yeah.
- Thing?
538
00:19:47,167 --> 00:19:49,067
- No, but Jim, you know,
I need a writer-writer.
539
00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:50,797
You know, like a--
like a Larry David-type.
540
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:52,370
You understand.
- I am a writer, Dave.
541
00:19:52,367 --> 00:19:53,827
- No, J--[laughing].
542
00:19:53,833 --> 00:19:57,433
Jim, Mulaney, he's written like
six season on "SNL."
543
00:19:57,433 --> 00:19:58,873
He developed his own
network TV show.
544
00:19:58,867 --> 00:20:00,667
You wrote a book about food
545
00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:01,967
that people read on the toilet.
546
00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:03,867
I mean--which is--there's--
547
00:20:03,867 --> 00:20:04,927
I mean, no shame in that
whatsoever.
548
00:20:04,933 --> 00:20:06,403
Hey, listen, I hate to do this.
549
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,430
I actually have to run out
to meet Mulaney for a meeting.
550
00:20:09,433 --> 00:20:11,603
Can you do me a favor and--
and--I haven't been paid yet--
551
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:13,330
and just get the tab?
Just--just this once?
552
00:20:13,333 --> 00:20:15,003
You know?
- Just this--
553
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,100
- I really appreciate it.
- You've never paid for lunch!
554
00:20:17,100 --> 00:20:18,100
- I appreciate it.
555
00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:21,530
- You're paying for that vomit!
556
00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,230
Christian.
557
00:20:25,233 --> 00:20:27,433
Uh, let me explain.
558
00:20:27,433 --> 00:20:28,773
No, c-come...
559
00:20:28,767 --> 00:20:31,397
Uh, uh--it--it wasn't my fault!
560
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,070
I...
561
00:20:36,633 --> 00:20:39,633
[man scatting]
562
00:20:39,633 --> 00:20:42,633
[man singing indistinctly]
563
00:20:42,633 --> 00:20:45,633
[mellow jazzy music]
564
00:20:45,633 --> 00:20:53,773
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