All language subtitles for The.Jim.Gaffigan.Show.S02E03_English

[man beatboxing]

[man humming and beatboxing]

- Good morning, Jim.

Hey, how do you manage
to keep that

"just rolled out of bed"
look working

the entire day?

- Oh, it's some skill

and a whole lot of,
"I don't care."

- Well, in that case,
you're killin' it.

- Why are you in such
a good mood?

Did you find a few more
Dalmatians for your coat?

- Not yet, unfortunately.

No, I am happy because

I just got some great news.

Don't you want to
hear my news?

- No, I'm good.
- Okay.

You know how I'm friends
with Andy Cohen, right?

- Is that the good news?

- Andy just recommended me
for "Million Dollar Listings."

- No way.

What's "Million Dollar
Listings"?

- Bravo, Jim, Bravo.

- Are you sarcastically
praising me

or talking about the network

that features drunk women
in their 40s?

- Hi.

- Jeannie,
"MDL."

- Oh, my God,
they want you

on "Million Dollar Listings
New York"?

- How'd you get that from that?

- Well, of course
they want you, Daniel.

You're a brilliant, savvy,
stylish New York realtor.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- How long has Daniel
been trying

to find us an apartment?

- But wait, aren't you dating

Andy Cohen's ex-boyfriend?

- I mean, yes,
and it was a little tense

in the beginning,
but you know what,

Andy's fine with it,
and honestly, he's Andy Cohen.

I mean, there's a lot of pirates
circling that booty.

- So are they actually
considering you

to be a series regular?

- Uh, no, Jeannie,
they're not considering me.

Andy said they're
making me an offer.

- What?

- Oh, my God, you look hot.

- Thank you.

The guy at the construction site

across from Whole Foods
thought so too.

- You got catcalled?
Jim, did you hear that?

Your wife got catcalled.

- Huh, congratulations, honey.

- No, Jim.

Somebody objectified
your wife.

- Are you sure they were
talking to you?

I mean, because you're so hot.

You're like a bright, shiny--

I love you, honey.

I love you in that coat.

- Anyway, I saw the guy.

He was up on the scaffolding
wearing an orange hoodie,

obviously a total perv.

- I hate pervs.

- Well, I, for one, think
catcalling is always wrong.

- I agree.

- Unless it's a guy
catcalling me

'cause he saw me
on "Million Dollar Listings."

- Oh, Jim, you don't have to
go and defend my honor.

- Okay.

Then I guess I'll just
meet Dave for lunch.

But if you want me
to avenge your honor,

you text me where,
but I'm going east,

and Whole Foods is west,
so...

- Oh, Jeannie,
I forgot to tell you.

I'm gonna be famous!

- Whoo!

[iPhone ringing]

- Hey, Stevie.

- You watched
"Making a Murderer," right?

- No, I haven't seen it yet.

- Amazing, right?

There's a janitor here
that looks just like him.

I'm, like, freaking out.

Wisconsin is so creepy.

I feel so sorry for you
growing up there.

- I'm not from--

Why did you call?

- Oh, I called because
I have amazing news.

Are you sitting down?

- Yeah, I'm sitting down.

- I have a movie audition
for you.

You would play the former
boyfriend/childhood crush

of a very sexy female lead
that ends up being

a passenger in the cab
you're driving.

Our female lead
would look at you,

notice you've totally
let yourself go

and realize she doesn't want to
live in the past anymore.

The character has two lines.

- I played that same character
in "13 Going On 30."

- I know; that's how I got you
the audition.

- Why would I want to audition
to play

the same humiliating character
I played in another movie?

- Why would people live
in Wisconsin

when the judicial system
is obviously correct?

- Look, I'm gonna pass,
all right?

I got to go.

- Um, okay.

I don't want to push you
Wisconsiners.

I don't want to get murdered.

Just kidding.

[man beatboxing]

- Why wouldn't you
audition, man?

I don't understand
when you became such a snob.

I mean, you played a guy
who pooped with the door open

on "Sex and the City."

Did you audition for that?

- Yeah, I did.
- Really?

How do you audition
to go to the bathroom?

- That probably contributes
to me not wanting

to go on this audition.

- Ah, don't be such a baby.

It's two lines.

- Two sandia, please.

It's the principle.
It's humiliating.

Why do they need me
to audition

for a character I've played?

- I don't know.

- Auditioning's like stripping,

except nobody
gives you a dollar.

- A dollar?
What kind of half-rate

strip joints you been going to?

- Whichever one your mom's
working at that week.

- You've only been giving
my mom a dollar?

- When I feel generous.

- All right, listen,
you know,

you're lucky you're
a character actor.

I never go on auditions.

There's more roles
for character actors.

- Character actor.
- Yeah.

- That's just code
for "not good-looking."

You know who else
is a character actor?

Gumby.

- Hey, listen,
acting is about types, you know.

We're different.

I'm more like a funny
leading man type, you know.

I lose roles
to Ben Stiller

and what's his name,
Franco, James Franco.

- Must be nice to be as
delusional as you.

- It isn't bad.

Anyway,
you're gonna judge me?

You the guy who refuses
to defend his wife

against a catcaller?

Not there.

- Well,
what could I have done?

- What could you have done?

You could've done something,
you know.

I mean, it's a heinous act,
that catcalling, you know.

I mean, the guy's probably
not a threat, right?

Does she know that?

- I never thought about it
like that.

- Yeah, yeah, man.

I mean, women are, like,
defenseless creatures,

you know,
especially the hot ones

with the massive Zambonis,
you know.

It impedes their running.

- You're joking, right?

- Yeah, I'm totally
kind of joking.

[iPhone ringing]

- [sighs]

Stevie, if this is about
the cab driver audition,

the answer is still no.

- Agreed.
You've done that.

You are not auditioning
to play a cab driver.

By the way,
did you ever see "Taxi Driver"

with Jimmy Fallon
and Queen Latifah?

- That was "Taxi."

- I know Jimmy has
his own talk show now,

but it would be so amazing

if they did a "Taxi Driver 2,"
right?

- I don't know.

- The reason I was calling
is I have

an amazing opportunity.

You know Alex Baldwin?

- Alec Baldwin.

- He is doing a major
motion picture,

a drama, and they want to see
you for one of the leads.

- A lead?

- Jim, this is the type
of role

that can change a career.

The director's been nominated
for, like, every award.

I'm kind of obsessed
with him.

His name is Philippe--
something French.

- A lead in a drama?

This is more like it.

- They haven't released
the full script,

but I'll send you your pages.

This is your big break!

- Thanks.

[man beatboxing]

- You know, I've been thinking
about it.

And Daniel is right.

It's just rude to catcall.

It's harassment.

What kind of world
are we living in

where a woman,
where a mother of five,

can't even walk home
without being

verbally assaulted
by some creep?

- Yeah.
It's ridiculous.

- You know what?

I'm gonna go back there.

And I'm gonna give
that orange hoodie guy

a piece of my mind.

I'm gonna humiliate him.

- Is that safe?

Maybe I should have someone
go with you.

- No, I can take care
of myself.

Can't believe you might be
a lead

in an Alec Baldwin movie.

- It's pretty cool.

But this scene, it--

- Oh, here,
let me read it with you.

- Nah, I'm all right.

- Which character are you?

Are you Carl?

- No, I'm the other guy,
"Ooglay."

- Ugly?

Your character's name
is Ugly?

- Is that how
you pronounce it?

I thought it was "Ooglay."

- U-G-L-Y, Ugly.

"A balding, pasty,
repulsive troll of a man

"ambles into the room.

"Carl, disgusted,
says,

"'Jeez, Ugly, you really stink.

Have you showered this week?'"

- Do you think I should
go in on this?

- No, that's not your line.
You say, "Well--"

- No, I know that's not
my line.

This is insulting.

- Well, it's a character,
Jim.

And it is the best
acting opportunity

you've ever been offered.

- But I haven't
been offered it.

It's an audition.

And I don't know if I want
to play a character

named Ugly,
and I certainly don't want

people to know I'm auditioning
to play

a character named Ugly.
- But if you get the role,

you could be the lead
in a major motion picture,

a drama, Jim.

And if you don't,
no one will know.

- You really think
I should audition

to play a character
named Ugly?

- I think you could
really nail it.

[man beatboxing]

- Daniel, I'm Bart,
Andy Cohen's assistant.

- Hi, Bart.

- You're Trevor's
new boyfriend, right?

- That's me.

- Andy's not here,
but he's so excited

you're being considered

for "Million Dollar Listings
New York."

- [stammers]
Considered--

no, Andy said
it's actually

gonna be an offer.

- Don't worry.
The other guy's from LA.

Why would they put somebody
from LA

on "Million Dollar Listings
New York"?

I have to run.

One of the Real Housewives
just got an ass lift.

It was Melinda.

- That is so Melinda.

[clears throat]

- Hi.

- Hi, Tyler,
have a seat.

- Thank you so much.

- I'm sorry.

You just look so familiar
to me.

Are you in real estate?

- Oh, God, no.

No, I know nothing
about real estate.

No, that's why I was surprised

that they wanted me
for "Million Dollar Listings."

Doesn't really make sense.

- No, it really doesn't
make sense for you.

- To be honest, I've never
even seen the show.

But who doesn't want
a free trip to New York City?

Do you know where
the M&Ms store is?

- Excuse me.
- Tyler.

- Hi.
- Thanks so much for coming in.

- Of course.

- Andy Cohen was adamant
that you are perfect for this.

- Oh, God.
[chuckles]

- Is this your dad?

Aww, come with me.

Have you been
to the M&Ms store?

- No.
Where is it?

[man beatboxing]

- Well, it's their loss.

You would've been perfect.

- Andy Cohen set me up.

You know what?
He's jealous.

He's jealous that I'm younger
and I'm better-looking.

- Didn't you steal
his boyfriend?

- Mm-mm.

Trevor is the thief.

He stole my heart.

- Come on, Daniel.
Own it.

- Okay, fine.
I stole his boyfriend.

And I'm glad I did it.

I didn't want to be
in that stupid show anyway.

Besides, who's ever heard
of Tyler Oakley?

- Oh, I love Tyler Oakley.

He's a huge YouTube star.

And he follows me on Twitter.

- Jim, aren't those the baby's
teething cookies?

- Uh, did the baby buy them?

All right, fine.

- Speaking of men
saying stupid things,

what happened
with your catcaller?

- Oh, it didn't happen today.

And I had the best comeback.

- Oh, yeah?
What was it?

- Okay, listen to this.

Hey, nice orange hoodie.

I hope you don't get shot
by a hunter.

I hear it's stupid jerk season.

- Oh, dear.

- No, hunters wear orange,
Jim.

- Yeah.
- Oh, Jeannie, it's good.

It's really good.

- It's good, right?

- Yeah.
- No, it's good.

- Yeah.

Good luck on your audition.
- Thanks.

- Yeah, Jim,
you're a shoe-in

for any character
named Ugly.

I'm surprised they didn't
just offer it to you.

- Well, we all can't
look like Tyler Oakley.

[pops lips]

That means face.

- Ugly, ugly

La-la-la-la,
la-la-la

- Jim.
Hey.

- Mulaney.

- I didn't know you were
auditioning for this.

- Yeah, I just got the call
from my agent.

And, you know,
give it a ride.

- Jim.
You're here for Ugly.

That sheet's for another
audition.

- Uh, are you sure?

I think my agent said
"Young JFK."

- No, you're in here.

I know 'cause I pitched you
for Ugly.

- The character is named
Ugly?

- I think it's pronounced
"Ooglay," right?

- There's my Ugly.

Come on, Jim,
we've been waiting for you.

- Father--Father...

- This is Jim Gaffigan.

- Hi.

- Jim, why don't you
take off your coat?

- Oh, oh, okay.
- Okay?

What did I tell you?
Is he Ugly?

- Hi, Jim,
I'm the writer.

I got to tell you,
I wasn't sure exactly

what we were looking for here.

But the minute you walked in,
I was like,

"Oh, my God.
He's Ugly."

- He is Ugly.

- Now, now,
I know everyone here

thinks this guy's Ugly.

But can we run the scene?

- Yes, all right.

So, Jim,
are you ready?

- Uh, yeah.
- Okay.

[clears throat]

Jeez, Ugly,
you really stink.

Have you showered this week?

- Well, you know
I sleep every night

in the Penn Station men's room

since my landlady
kicked me out.

- She had to kick you out,
Ugly.

There were children
that live in that building.

Besides, we have to get
in our vintage car

and drive across country
to get you that

face transplant you so
desperately need.

- You're a good brother.

- I don't care how physically
grotesque you are.

You're my brother.

And I love you.

[clapping]

- I like it.
- Right?

Oh, but one question.
Can you fart on cue?

- What?

- The character of Ugly
is farting

throughout the movie.

He didn't get the whole script.

Can you fart on cue?

- No, I don't think so.

- Huh, really?

I would've thought that--
anyway.

We'll just lay it in
in post.

I don't want to get
too spiritual here,

but I think that Jim
was born to be Ugly.

- Absolutely,
absolutely.

- And we'll save tons of money
on special effects makeup.

Philippe,
do you have any notes?

- Jim,
I'm Philippe, the director.

- Nice to meet you.

- Such an honor
to meet you.

That was fantastic, huh?

I'm confident that you
are Ugly.

But let's improvise something,
okay?

You're on a date.

Have you been on a date before?

- Yes, yes,
I've been on a date.

- Mm.

So you're on a date,
pretend.

Your date is a supermodel.

This woman is completely
out of your league.

You know what,
she doesn't even

have to be a supermodel.

Maybe she's a five
or a four.

Okay, she's a dumpy,
unattractive woman.

But the thing is,
she is out of your league, okay?

- Okay.

- But she is blind, Jim.

She also has no sense of smell.

So you have a shot.

Now, you are physically
repulsive.

But on the inside,
you are also repulsive.

But because she is attractive,
we like her,

because it's funny,
but she would never be with you.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
et no.

Jamais.

But what do we do here?

I want you to tell her
that you love her.

Tell her that you love her
and that you want

to spend the rest of your life
with her, okay?

And go.

- I love you.

I want to spend the rest
of my life with you.

[laughter]

- You're so good,
so good.

- I can't imagine anyone else
as Ugly.

- Wow, that was great.
- Thanks.

- We'll be in touch.
- Thanks.

- We'll see you later.
Thanks again, Jim.

Or should I call you Ugly?

Wow!

He says he can't fart on cue.

That shocked me.

[man beatboxing]

- Oh.
Wait, here it is.

This is where I got catcalled.

- Well, now's your chance
to do your comeback.

Do your comeback.

- But what if no one
catcalls me?

- You make sure
they catcall you.

Mm-hmm.

That's it,
lead with the boobs.

Shake that ass!

- Pervert.

[indistinct conversations]

- It's all good.
It's all good.

- A couple of wings
over at Lucky's?

Chill out?
- Hey, I love wings.

I love wings.
- Couple of beers, huh?

- Hey!
- Hey, can I help you, ma'am?

- Yes.
Who is the boss?

- That would be me.

I'm Nick, the foreman.

- Nick, I would like to report
a catcalling.

I was catcalled right here
yesterday.

- You got catcalled
by my guys?

- Yes.
- That is totally unacceptable.

I wasn't here yesterday,
but rest assured,

there is a zero-tolerance policy

against catcalling, okay?

- Well, good.

Yeah, I mean, I know
exactly who it was.

It was that guy right there
in the orange hoodie.

- Gomez?
I'll take care of this.

Yo, Gomez!

Hey, get over here.

- I don't think you should
do your thing

about hunting season.
- Really?

- Yeah, I just think
it's a little...

- I thought you liked that.

- Did you yell something
at this lady yesterday?

- Yeah, she's hot.

- Sorry, Gomez,
you know the policy.

You're fired.

- Thanks a lot, lady.

What kind of world
are we living in

when a woman can't express
her appreciation

for another woman?

And FYI,
your husband's gay.

- Excuse me, excuse me.

I am offended
that you would assume

that I'm her husband.

- That's it.
Gomez, get your stuff.

Get out of here.

- Wait, I don't want her
to be fired.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

I didn't know
she was...

I have decided I am not
pressing charges.

- Okay, Gomez.
You got a pass this time.

But do not let it happen again,
you hear me?

- Yeah.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

She gets a pass?

What kind of world
are we living in

where a man can't get equal
treatment in the work place?

- That's right.
- That's ridiculous, man.

- What are you talking about?

She doesn't want
to do anything.

What am I supposed to do?

- She beat me in arm wrestling
yesterday.

[all talking at once]

- Shut up, Hilary.
No one wants to hear from you.

- Whoa, whoa, hey,
calm down.

Calm down,
hey, hey, hey.

Get back to work!

- Don't you even start with me.

She's touching me.

[all talking at once]

[man beatboxing]

- This just in,
a riot has broken out

at a construction site
in Manhattan's East Village.

[all yelling]

- What kind of world
are we living in?

[iPhone ringing]

Hey, Stevie.
- Big news.

- Oh, yeah?

- Tyler Oakley
is moving to New York.

- Is that why you're
calling me?

- No, the big news is that
they still

want to see you for the role
of the taxi driver.

- But what about the major
motion picture,

the lead with Alec Baldwin?

- Alex Baldwin.
You didn't get the part.

- But they told me
I was Ugly.

- Yeah, they decided to go
in a different direction.

They went with
a good-looking guy.

- Who?

- John Mulaney.
- Mulaney?

- He's gonna be amazing.

Obviously they're gonna have
to use

lots of special effects makeup.

He is so brave.

You know, he's also playing
the Young JFK.

He is on fire.

So do you want to go in
for the cab driver?

It's two great lines.

- Fine.

Email me the pages.

- It's only half a page.

- Page, whatever.

I got to go, okay?

- U-G-L-Y,
you ain't got no alibi

You're just ugly

U-G-L-Y,
you ain't got no alibi

You're just ug, ugly,
ugly

[man scatting]

[man singing indistinctly]

[mellow jazzy music]