All language subtitles for The.Jim.Gaffigan.Show.S02E02_English

[buzzer sounds]

[rattling]

[Bruce Springsteen's
"Dead Man Walkin'"]

- There's a pale horse
coming

And I'm gonna ride it

I'll rise in the morning

My fate decided

Dead man walking

I'm a dead man walking

- All rise.

Welcome the honorable
Judge Judy...Gold.

- You may be seated.

So what do we have today,
Monroe?

- United States of America
versus James Gaffigan.

He's being charged
with being a dumb, ignorant,

stupid, idiot white guy.

- Thank you.
- [baby cries]

- How are you doing?

- How do you think I'm doing?
I'm in jail.

- Well, what did you do?

- I don't know.

They grabbed me
at Shake Shack.

- You said you weren't
gonna eat fast food anymore.

- Shake Shack isn't fast food,
and besides we both agreed

I'm allowed
one cheat meal a week.

- I never agreed to that.

- Eh, look,
that doesn't matter.

I'm in jail.

- Well, do you need a lawyer?

- The court appointed one,

but I don't know
if he's a good fit.

[whooshing]

- Okay, Mr. Gassigan.

- Gaffigan.

- Right, Gassigan.

- It's Gaffigan.

- You've been accused
of double homicide.

- What? No.

- Aggravated assault?

- No.

- Indecent exposure.

- No!
I didn't do anything wrong.

- Oh, I see.

You're being tried in
the court of public opinion.

Did you shoot a lion?
Were you drunk in public?

- No.

- Did you lick a donut
and put it back?

- No.

I would never put it back.

- Have you Tweeted
anything in the past day?

[whooshing]

- Is this Tweet funny?
- Let me see it.

[scoffs] It's pretty tame,
but that's your style.

Yeah, send it.
- Hmm.

- I'd take the plea deal.

- But-but I'm innocent.

- Look, you admit
you were wrong.

You check yourself into rehab
for exhaustion,

and then you do
the apology tour.

And if you play
your cards right,

in five to seven years
I could see you booking

a reverse mortgage commercial.

- That's insane.
I did nothing wrong.

- Then I can't help you.

- But--but--what--I--

Where are you going?

Are you coming back?

- In defense of
the charges against you

as a dumb, ignorant, stupid,
idiot, white guy,

you have chosen to forgo
your court-appointed attorney

and instead chosen
to represent yourself.

- That is correct,
Your Honor.

- And you are aware
that never works?

- I understand.

- Well, considering
the charges,

that seems about right.

Let's move on.

The prosecution may proceed

with their opening argument.

- Thank you very much,

Judge Judy.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

you're going to hear
a lot of evidence

over the course
of this trial

that Jim Gaffigan is
a waste of a human being,

a bigoted, small-minded,

overweight, balding man.

But what that man did,

if we indeed
can call him a man,

is completely unforgivable.

[whooshing]

- Jim, I told you not to Tweet

without checking
with me first.

You know I'm
your Tweet consultant

and grammar police.

- I know, and you
do that very good.

- Very well.
How are they treating you?

Is it like
"Orange is the New Black?"

- Jeannie, I'm in jail.

With hardened criminals.

- Hot Pockets.
[kissing noises]

Come on, Hot Pockets,
you want to chat with me?

Come on.

- I shouldn't be in here.

- Yeah, well,
none of us should.

- Carrot Top?

- Welcome to
social outrage jail.

- Outrage jail?

- Yeah, we live in a different
world now, Hot Pockets.

People are easily offended.

People are looking for
a way to take you down.

You say something
on social media

that's perceived
as insensitive

or you wear the wrong
Halloween costume

or you mention
the wrong Miss Universe,

you're done.

- Well, what did you do

to make people so angry?

- I don't know.

I've been in here
since the mid '90s.

- What's that thing?

- It's a gay rat trap.

The rat would come in--

This was my closer.
Killed.

Funny, isn't it?

- Kinda.

- What'd you do,
Hot Pockets?

- I didn't do anything.

And stop calling me
"Hot Pockets."

- Well, you must have
done something, Hot Pockets,

or you wouldn't be in here.

- Hey, Nickelback,
did you hear,

they let Anne Hathaway
out today.

- She'll be back.

They all come back.

- Not Ben.

- Ben who?

- Affleck!
Affleck!

- All right, come on,
Hot Pockets, what'd you do?

Did you lie about being
in a helicopter in Iraq?

What, did you
fat-shame somebody?

- No!
- Well, that's good.

That'd be
a little hypocritical.

- I did a Tweet about women
getting their nails done.

- Oh!

- You are dumber than you look.

- Starting to get some
blowback on that Tweet.

- Screw them, man.
It's freedom of speech.

- You sure it wasn't
offensive?

- I don't know.
What was it again?

- "Ladies, I hope you enjoy
getting your nails done

because not a single man
on the planet cares."

- Wow.
[indistinct chatter]

Not a single man cares.

Do you find
that Tweet offensive?

- Well, yeah, of course.

- And may I ask why?

- It implies that women
try to look nice

just to please a man.

[applause]

- Silence!
[bangs gavel]

Order in the court.

- Your witness.

- Uh...

Good morning.

I am a huge fan, Ms. Symoné.

- It's "Simon-ay,"
and it's not my last name.

- Oh, uh...

Ms. Raven.

- Again, wrong.

And I prefer "Ms."

- That's what I said, "Ms."

- No, I don't think you did.

I think you said "Miss,"

and I prefer "Ms."

- Yeah, no, I said "Ms."
And you said "Ms."

- "Ms."
Thank you.

And you would know that
if you knew more about women,

which you don't!

[applause]
I don't get it.

Have you seen
yourself recently?

Do you really think
that we're just here

to impress you?

I mean, look at you.

What does your wife do
with all that misshapenness?

I need to know!

Explain it, please.

You know, I just
say it how it is.

Just call it like it is.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

- Go on.

- Uh, I--I--

I was hoping--
you know, I'm a comedian.

I, um--the Tweet,

I was trying to be funny.

- I'm not funny?

- No, I never said that.

- Women aren't funny?

- No.
I mean, yes.

I mean, some of my favorite
comedians are women.

I laugh at women all the time.

No further questions.
Thank you.

- He laughs at women
all the time.

- I'm not laughing at women.

I'm...
I'm laughing with women.

For women.
[gavel bangs]

- That's enough.

[man beatboxing]

- Do you swear
to tell the truth,

the whole truth and nothing
but the truth, so help you God?

- Yeah, like that's a thing.

- Mr. Benjamin,
you are friends

with the defendant's wife.

Do you think Mr. Gaffigan
treats her well?

- No, of course not.
- Objection!

- What is your objection?

- It's mean.
He's mean.

- Mean?
- Relevance?

What does this have to do
with my Tweet?

- Judge Judy,
I'm simply giving insight

into Mr. Gaffigan's character
or lack thereof.

- I'll allow it.

- Mr. Benjamin,
we've already established

Mr. Gaffigan treats
women horribly.

Tell us, what are your
feelings on Mr. Gaffigan?

- He's always covered
in spaghetti stains.

He wears cargo shorts,

and I don't even know
what's going on with his hair.

I mean, it's just--
You see it.

He's a mess.

- An accurate description.

And how you would you define you
relationship with Mr. Gaffigan?

- Exhausting.

- Do you find he treats you
with respect?

- Hardly.

- Mr. Benjamin, may I ask,

are you a homosexual?

- Please, mm-hmm.

- So Mr. Gaffigan,

who still wears
cargo shorts in 2016,

doesn't like you?

A person who just so happens
to be a homosexual.

- That's insane,
Your Honor.

Yeah, I don't dislike Daniel.

I just think he's a jerk.

- We understand,
Mr. Gaffigan,

in your oversized head,
which encases a tiny pea brain,

homosexuals are jerks.

Your witness.

- He can't knock on my table.

Daniel.

I realize we've
had our problems,

but we're friends, right?

- Do I have to answer that?

- Objection. Mr. Gaffigan
is leading the witness.

- I'll allow it,

but tread lightly,
Mr. Gaffigan.

Go ahead and answer
the question, Mr. Benjamin.

- Well, occasionally
I'm forced to tolerate you.

- Isn't it true
that you're constantly

over at my apartment?
- I'm there for your wife

because you won't
let her leave the house.

[crowd gasps]
- She can leave.

- What about
the time you got mad

'cause she wasn't there for
your delivery of Omaha Steaks?

- I was napping.

And I'll ask
the questions here, Daniel.

- "Mr. Benjamin," please.

- Why are you being
so difficult?

- Oh, I'm difficult?
- Yeah.

- Why are you such
a horrible husband?

- You're gonna judge
my relationship?

Your love life
is a revolving door.

- Objection.

- Witnesses can't object.

- I'll allow it.

- I'm done with him.

- Redirect, Judge Judy?

- Go ahead.

- So to Jim Gaffigan,

all gay men
are evil jerks

whose relationships
are revolving doors

of meaningless flings and who
shouldn't be allowed to marry.

- What?
I--I didn't say that.

And that--
that's not even a question.

- Withdrawn.

- But they--
but they still heard it.

Make them unhear it.

[man beatboxing]

- So, Mr. Marks,
you're a comedian?

- Yes, I am.

I believe in freedom of speech
and the absence of censorship.

- And you're friends
with Mr. Gaffigan.

- Yeah, sure.

You know, Jim likes
to buy me lunch.

You know, we've known
each other for many years,

ever since he came here
from, uh, Ohio.

- Indiana, Dave.

It's Indiana.

- Overruled.
Same thing.

- Now, Mr. Marks, what do you
and Mr. Gaffigan discuss

at these lunches
when he's abandoned

his wife and children?

- Comedy.
Mainly comedy.

Maybe a woman
if I happen to be dating,

which currently I'm not.

FYI, Juror Number Five.

- And were you aware

of Mr. Gaffigan's
sexist nail Tweet?

- You know, I don't
follow him on Twitter,

but, yeah, no, I saw it.

- And were you
offended by it?

- Yeah, actually,
I was offended by it.

I just want to make something
extremely clear to the jury,

particularly
Juror Number Five.

I am super pro-women, and
not just the attractive ones.

I love beautiful nails,
you know?

Yeah, beautiful nails
indicate to me

that a woman takes pride
in her appearance.

I mean, ugly nails,
like, "Ohhh!"

I can't even picture it.

- So you were offended
because you're clearly

super pro-women.

- No, no.

I was offended because
I believe Tweets like this

to be nothing more
than vanilla drivel.

- Oh, I see.
So what you're saying

is that Jim Gaffigan's
mundane, pedestrian comedy

is contributing to
the dumbing down of society?

- No, I didn't say that.
You said that.

He said that.
- Noted.

- But yeah, no, I mean,
it's just that stand-up comedy

should tackle
socially conscious issues.

I mean, for instance, okay,

I do a bit about
handicapped parking,

which on the surface appears
to be making fun of cripples,

but in fact
what I'm really doing

is making a statement about
how we're all handicapped.

I mean, take women
with big boobs for instance.

I mean, shouldn't they get
a handicapped sticker?

I mean, really, you're gonna
make them walk all the way

across the parking lot
to their car?

Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom.

- So these are
the types of issues

that you discuss
with Mr. Gaffigan

at your exclusively straight,
white male lunches?

- Yeah, pretty much,
when he's not stuffing his face.

- Ba-boom.

Ba-boom.

Ba-boom.

No further questions.

- Thank you, counsel.

- Uh, Mr. Marks,

let's clarify
the issue here.

As a tireless advocate
for freedom of speech--

- Yeah, Jim, Jim,
I gotta--I gotta go.

- Ooh, what?

- Yeah, I got a thing.

You said this was only
gonna take a half hour.

I told you about it.

I got a callback
for a Windex commercial.

I gotta--I gotta hit it.

You're welcome.

- Jim, Jim.

You're messing this up.

- No, I'm--
I know what I'm doing.

- I--
- Where are the kids?

- Blanca took them home.

- Did they ask about me?

- Uh...yeah.

One of them did.
I think.

- For our next witness,

the prosecution calls...
- Oh, me!

Me, me, me!
Me. Me.

- Jeannie Gaffigan.

- Your Honor,
may I approach?

- Yes, but make it quick,
please.

- She's my wife.

She can't be forced
to testify against me.

- I want to.

And I'm not gonna be
testifying against him.

This man has been portraying
my husband as a monster.

And sure,
sometimes he's moody.

Like, sometimes
if he hasn't eaten of napped.

Or if he eats too much
and he naps too much,

then actually he can be
a real monster.

- Save it, save it.

- Let's proceed, please.

- Yes!

- Please, keep it simple.

Yes or no.

- Yes or no.
I got this.

- Do you swear
to tell the truth,

the whole truth and nothing
but the truth, so help you God?

- I do.

And this is a really good book,
by the way, everyone.

- Are you married to
the defendant, Mr. Jim Gaffigan?

- Yes.

- And were you married
under duress?

- No.

- Would you not say
it's untrue

that your husband
has been known

to not be disrespectful
towards women?

- What?

- Allow me to rephrase.

Would you not say it's true
that your husband

has not been known to be
undisrespectful towards women?

- Um...

- It's a simple yes or no
question, Mrs. Gaffigan.

- Um...no.

Uh, yes.

- Okay, let me strike
that last question.

- Stricken.

- [whispered]
Stockholm Syndrome.

Mrs. Gaffigan,
would it surprise you

that your husband visited
a fast food establishment

last month?

- No.

- Would it
surprise you to learn

that he visited more than one
fast food establishment

last month?
- No.

- What if I told you
Mr. Gaffigan,

your loyal,
faithful husband,

visited 64 fast food
establishments last month?

- What?

- I present for evidence
Exhibit 425-B,

last month's
credit card statement

belonging to Mr. Gaffigan.

- Let me see that.

[Reggie Watts'
Butter + Toast]

- Yo you got your flapjack

Pancake, griddle cake

Everybody loves
a cake, yeah

I like your flapjacks
just where they are

Just where they is,
like 'em, like 'em

Like 'em, like 'em a lot

Yo, get some
butter and grease

Come on, yeah, oh

- You bastard!

I trusted you!

- That food meant
nothing to me.

- "That food...

"meant nothing...

to me."

- Just because
you say it like that

doesn't make it bad.

- "It doesn't...

"make it...

bad."

- He--he's being mean.

- "He's...being...mean."

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

the prosecution has provided
incontrovertible proof

that Jim Gaffigan is indeed

a dumb, ignorant, stupid,
idiot, white guy.

His Tweet was just
the straw that broke

the overweight, pale,
balding camel's back.

Jim Gaffigan is sexist.

Jim Gaffigan is homophobic.

Jim Gaffigan is disloyal
and disrespectful

to his own wife
and 800 children.

His vanilla stand-up "comedy"

is contributing to
the destruction of our society.

And by his pathological
overconsumption of fast food...

- What?

- He has proven
that he is against

a living wage,
a burden on the environment

and, quite possibly,
anti-Semitic.

[all gasp]
- Come on!

That's--that's--

that's out of line.

- We urge you, the jury,

to find Jim Gaffigan,

that fat tub of turds,

guilty on all counts

of all charges.

- Thank you, prosecution.

Mr. Gaffigan,
are you ready to present

your closing argument?

- One minute,
do you have ketchup?

[man beatboxing]

Just a little mayo?

You know, I like to mix
the mayo and the ketchup.

- That was delicious.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I realize we live in
a politically correct era,

and that's a good thing.

We should always strive
to be more respectful.

I believe in equality
for everyone.

I consider my wife my equal.

I mean, when we rent a car
I won't let her drive,

but that's not sexism.

I just don't want to die.

She can drive my kids around.
I don't care about that.

But if I'm in the car,
no way.

Anyway, we no longer
live in a time

where white guys
make the rules

and call their
secretaries "dollface"

and sit around drinking all day
at work like on "Mad Men,"

which was an amazing show.

And I remember
as a white guy watching it,

I was like,
"Wow, we really had it all."

Which was a bad thing.

Anyway, it was bad.

But I digress.

Maybe I am a dumb, stupid,
idiot, white guy,

who still wears cargo shorts

with spaghetti stains.

- Don't forget your hair!

- My point is I'm learning,

and I've made mistakes.

And like you, I will continue
to make mistakes.

All I ask is that we don't act
like we have it all figured out.

I know I don't.

'Cause if we focus
on educating people

instead of punishing them,

I know we can make this
a better world.

'Cause it's not about
being right or wrong.

It's not about being
left or right.

It's not about
political parties.

We're all one party.

It's a party in the U.S.A.

It's not too late
to say sorry.

We're like a small boat
on the ocean,

sending big waves
into motion.

I used to bite my tongue
and hold my breath.

Scared to rock the boat
and make a mess.

But we gotta shake it off.

'Cause, baby,
you're a firework,

and you're a firework.

We're like starships,

meant to fly.

I guess I'm saying

I want to see you be brave.

And I'll leave you
with one final note.

No treble.

[rousing music]

[gavel banging]
- Order in the court!

Silence!

I said order in the court!

[silence]

Thank you.

Foreman, have you reached
a verdict.

- We have, Your Honor.

We find the defendant,
Jim Gaffigan,

guilty of all counts.

[indistinct chatter]

- Extra, extra!

Ricky Gervais says Miley Cyrus
has a dad bod!

[excited chatter]

- Jeannie, I knew
you'd stand by me.

- I gotta go find out
about this dad bod thing.

- Because you know
I'm all about that bass

About that bass,
no treble

I'm all about that bass,
about that bass

No treble

I'm all about that bass,
about that bass

No treble

[man scatting]

[man singing indistinctly]

[mellow jazzy music]