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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,133 --> 00:00:08,603 ["Still Fighting It" by Ben Folds] 2 00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:12,500 - Good morning son I am a bird 3 00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:17,030 Wearing a brown polyester shirt 4 00:00:17,033 --> 00:00:18,273 - Jim! 5 00:00:18,267 --> 00:00:19,967 So fortunate I ran into you. 6 00:00:19,967 --> 00:00:22,427 I was thinking you could speak to my young men's group 7 00:00:22,433 --> 00:00:24,833 about the value of fatherhood. 8 00:00:24,833 --> 00:00:27,433 - Uh, Father Nicholas, I appreciate you asking, 9 00:00:27,433 --> 00:00:29,803 but I don't know what I would say. 10 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,630 I'm not the best Catholic. 11 00:00:31,633 --> 00:00:32,633 - [laughs] 12 00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:34,103 Jim, you are so humble. 13 00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:36,230 What about this Thursday? 14 00:00:36,233 --> 00:00:38,103 - Uh, well, I would-- - Terrific. 15 00:00:38,100 --> 00:00:39,170 See you at the youth center. 16 00:00:39,167 --> 00:00:42,197 - But--I-- 17 00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,470 - Jim! 18 00:00:51,467 --> 00:00:54,867 I just keep running into you. It reminds me-- 19 00:00:54,867 --> 00:00:56,527 - Wait, weren't you back there? 20 00:00:56,533 --> 00:00:58,033 - Can you help at the soup kitchen? 21 00:00:58,033 --> 00:00:59,533 - What? - Terrific! See you Friday. 22 00:00:59,533 --> 00:01:01,073 - I don't know what my schedule is. 23 00:01:01,067 --> 00:01:02,297 - Ah, 5:00. 24 00:01:02,300 --> 00:01:03,800 Wear something that can get dirty. 25 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,730 Like that outfit. 26 00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:07,073 Okay. 27 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:10,197 All right. Go inside. Go inside. 28 00:01:11,733 --> 00:01:14,733 [scary movie music] 29 00:01:14,733 --> 00:01:22,673 30 00:01:30,767 --> 00:01:33,397 - [gasps] Thanks, Yonah. 31 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:34,200 Ah! 32 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:35,930 - Jim, this reminds me. 33 00:01:35,933 --> 00:01:38,073 I want you to teach Sunday School. 34 00:01:38,067 --> 00:01:45,067 35 00:01:45,067 --> 00:01:47,467 - Wha... 36 00:01:47,467 --> 00:01:56,297 37 00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:57,930 Ah! 38 00:01:57,933 --> 00:02:01,103 Oh. Sorry. 39 00:02:01,100 --> 00:02:03,070 - Hey, Buddy. What'll you have? 40 00:02:03,067 --> 00:02:04,167 - Light Ale, please. 41 00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:07,297 - Sure thing. 42 00:02:10,667 --> 00:02:13,227 - [screaming] 43 00:02:13,233 --> 00:02:15,333 - It's-- both: Time for dinner! 44 00:02:15,333 --> 00:02:17,373 - Ah...ah... - It's lasagna! 45 00:02:17,367 --> 00:02:19,397 - You're so sleepy. - Hi. 46 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,130 Did you have a good nap? 47 00:02:21,133 --> 00:02:22,573 - Uh, not really. 48 00:02:22,567 --> 00:02:24,327 I had the weirdest dream. 49 00:02:24,333 --> 00:02:27,333 I think I ate too much pastrami. 50 00:02:27,333 --> 00:02:29,173 This is quite a production for dinner. 51 00:02:29,167 --> 00:02:30,667 - Well, Father Nicholas is coming. 52 00:02:30,667 --> 00:02:32,197 - [sighs] Again? 53 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:34,330 - Jim, us having him for dinner every now and then 54 00:02:34,333 --> 00:02:35,673 is the least we can do. 55 00:02:35,667 --> 00:02:37,567 - Actually, us not having him for dinner 56 00:02:37,567 --> 00:02:39,067 would be the least we could do. 57 00:02:39,067 --> 00:02:41,797 Every time I see that guy, he asks me to do stuff. 58 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:42,800 For other people. 59 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:44,200 - All Father Nicholas does 60 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,070 is stuff for other people. 61 00:02:46,067 --> 00:02:47,927 - Exactly. So we don't have to. 62 00:02:47,933 --> 00:02:49,703 - Then just say no. 63 00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:51,200 - To a priest? 64 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:53,070 Then he'll tell on me. 65 00:02:53,067 --> 00:02:55,227 To God, and Jesus, 66 00:02:55,233 --> 00:02:58,403 and the Holy Spirit guy. 67 00:02:58,400 --> 00:02:59,900 - Are you even Catholic? 68 00:02:59,900 --> 00:03:01,470 - Hey, I'm learning. 69 00:03:01,467 --> 00:03:02,797 [door buzzes] 70 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:03,730 - That's him. 71 00:03:03,733 --> 00:03:05,533 I expect you to be a good host. 72 00:03:05,533 --> 00:03:08,073 With pants this time. 73 00:03:08,067 --> 00:03:10,897 - All I do is give. 74 00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:13,900 [man beatboxing] 75 00:03:13,900 --> 00:03:17,170 76 00:03:17,167 --> 00:03:20,167 [man humming and beatboxing] 77 00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:26,397 78 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:29,470 - Thank you, Jeannie. - You're welcome. 79 00:03:29,467 --> 00:03:31,797 - Ah. 80 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,230 - I'm gonna go put "SpongeBob" on. 81 00:03:34,233 --> 00:03:37,273 - Oh, great. - For the kids, Jim. 82 00:03:37,267 --> 00:03:40,697 - I--I know. 83 00:03:40,700 --> 00:03:43,870 - Jim, can I ask you something? 84 00:03:43,867 --> 00:03:47,067 - [sighs] Yeah. 85 00:03:47,067 --> 00:03:50,297 - Have you lost weight? 86 00:03:50,300 --> 00:03:52,430 - [chuckles] Yeah, yeah. 87 00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:54,073 - Ah. - I have. 88 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:56,927 - [laughs] You're looking fit. 89 00:03:56,933 --> 00:03:58,403 - I'm coming back! 90 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:01,370 Yeah, used to be a time when I was in pretty good shape. 91 00:04:01,367 --> 00:04:03,527 I used to run six miles a day. 92 00:04:03,533 --> 00:04:05,303 - [laughs] That's funny. 93 00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:07,630 Is this one of your comedy skits? 94 00:04:07,633 --> 00:04:09,073 - No. 95 00:04:09,067 --> 00:04:10,627 I was--I was an athlete. 96 00:04:10,633 --> 00:04:14,203 In high school, I was varsity football and wrestling. 97 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:17,070 Once an athlete, always an athlete. 98 00:04:17,067 --> 00:04:19,597 - This is amazing. 99 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:21,400 You know, the church soccer team, 100 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,500 we just lost a player. 101 00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:24,970 - Oh, well, you know, I mean, I'm-- 102 00:04:24,967 --> 00:04:26,627 I'm an athlete, but, like, 103 00:04:26,633 --> 00:04:28,703 I, uh, enjoy it from a distance. 104 00:04:28,700 --> 00:04:31,900 You know, from-- from my couch. 105 00:04:31,900 --> 00:04:35,430 - All the proceeds go to the homeless shelter. 106 00:04:35,433 --> 00:04:37,433 Jim, come on. 107 00:04:37,433 --> 00:04:39,273 - Which homeless shelter? 108 00:04:39,267 --> 00:04:40,627 - The one down the street. 109 00:04:40,633 --> 00:04:43,103 - That one? - Yeah. 110 00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:44,700 - Okay. 111 00:04:44,700 --> 00:04:45,500 - Wonderful! 112 00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:48,370 [laughs] Wonderful. 113 00:04:48,367 --> 00:04:51,367 [man beatboxing] 114 00:04:51,367 --> 00:04:59,497 115 00:05:26,767 --> 00:05:28,797 [cheering] 116 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,270 Jim, you scored the final goal. 117 00:05:31,267 --> 00:05:32,567 - I still got it! 118 00:05:32,567 --> 00:05:34,567 I just got a little bit more of it. 119 00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:36,227 - Can I have an autograph please? 120 00:05:36,233 --> 00:05:38,073 - Uh, sure, sure. 121 00:05:38,067 --> 00:05:40,467 - No, not you. You. 122 00:05:40,467 --> 00:05:42,497 You are Nicky Ngungumbane, right? 123 00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:45,400 - Yes, I am. - Great. 124 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,700 - [chuckles] - Can I get a selfie? 125 00:05:47,700 --> 00:05:50,830 - Of course. - Yes! 126 00:05:52,500 --> 00:05:55,670 Thank you. - You're welcome. 127 00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:58,097 - "Nicky"? - Don't you start. 128 00:05:58,100 --> 00:06:00,070 - You were unbelievable! 129 00:06:00,067 --> 00:06:01,867 Did you play soccer professionally? 130 00:06:01,867 --> 00:06:04,067 - No, no, no-- I mean, I played for 131 00:06:04,067 --> 00:06:06,367 the Zimbabwe Junior National Team. 132 00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:08,097 We won the African cup, and, uh, 133 00:06:08,100 --> 00:06:10,400 I was recruited by Manchester United. 134 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,200 - What? You were? 135 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:13,500 Well, what happened? 136 00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:15,070 - Nothing happened. 137 00:06:15,067 --> 00:06:16,567 I became a priest. 138 00:06:16,567 --> 00:06:17,927 - Oh, you got injured. 139 00:06:17,933 --> 00:06:19,203 - Oh, no. 140 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,800 - So--so you went from being 141 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:23,930 a soccer star to being a Catholic priest? 142 00:06:23,933 --> 00:06:26,233 - Oh, it's not as simple as that, Jim. 143 00:06:26,233 --> 00:06:29,073 I first went to the London School of Economics. 144 00:06:29,067 --> 00:06:30,927 - Wait, the Catholic Church paid for you 145 00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:33,073 to go to the London School of Economics? 146 00:06:33,067 --> 00:06:35,227 - Oh, no, no, no. 147 00:06:35,233 --> 00:06:36,303 Modeling paid for that. 148 00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:37,530 - What? You were a model? 149 00:06:37,533 --> 00:06:39,673 - I--I mean, I did one campaign 150 00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:42,297 for this company...Benetton. 151 00:06:42,300 --> 00:06:43,730 - Wait--wait a minute. 152 00:06:43,733 --> 00:06:47,073 You were a soccer star, a Benetton model, 153 00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:49,897 and went to one of the top business schools in the world, 154 00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:51,600 and you threw it away to be a priest? 155 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:53,330 Father Nicholas, I mean, 156 00:06:53,333 --> 00:06:55,533 I don't want to be rude, but being a Catholic priest 157 00:06:55,533 --> 00:06:58,103 is not exactly a status symbol today. 158 00:06:58,100 --> 00:06:59,670 - Yeah, well, 159 00:06:59,667 --> 00:07:02,327 I've been blessed with many gifts in this life. 160 00:07:02,333 --> 00:07:05,473 But I realized that I had a calling to serve, 161 00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:06,897 and I answered that call. 162 00:07:06,900 --> 00:07:08,970 - I think I would've let that go to voicemail. 163 00:07:08,967 --> 00:07:10,597 - [laughs] 164 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,600 We all have a calling, Jim. 165 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,100 - Well, not everybody. - No, you. 166 00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:17,400 You make people laugh. - Besides that. 167 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,100 I'm talking about something important. 168 00:07:19,100 --> 00:07:21,070 To make lives better. 169 00:07:21,067 --> 00:07:23,627 You know, I do jokes about donuts. 170 00:07:23,633 --> 00:07:26,573 Now, the guy who invented donuts? 171 00:07:26,567 --> 00:07:27,567 He had a calling. 172 00:07:27,567 --> 00:07:29,227 Is he a saint? 173 00:07:29,233 --> 00:07:30,233 He should be a saint. 174 00:07:30,233 --> 00:07:31,373 - Maybe. 175 00:07:31,367 --> 00:07:32,827 Oh, I've got to go in 176 00:07:32,833 --> 00:07:35,073 and check on Mr. Camenela. 177 00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:38,797 He's been very lonely since his wife passed. 178 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:41,270 - You're a good man, Father Nicholas. 179 00:07:41,267 --> 00:07:43,967 Like, invented donuts good. 180 00:07:43,967 --> 00:07:45,767 I'm not playing soccer anymore. - Yes, you are. 181 00:07:45,767 --> 00:07:47,397 - It's too hard! - No, no, no. 182 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,600 You were really good today! - Where am I gonna get a cab? 183 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,270 - That was him! 184 00:07:52,267 --> 00:07:54,927 - Yeah, could've been some superstar millionaire, 185 00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:56,703 but instead, the highlight of his week 186 00:07:56,700 --> 00:07:59,630 is coming to our apartment and eating your lasagna. 187 00:07:59,633 --> 00:08:02,303 - What's wrong with my lasagna? 188 00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:03,300 - It's veggie. 189 00:08:03,300 --> 00:08:04,930 No one likes veggie lasagna. 190 00:08:04,933 --> 00:08:06,273 - Jim, you're missing the point. 191 00:08:06,267 --> 00:08:09,167 It was his calling. 192 00:08:09,167 --> 00:08:10,627 - Calling--you say "Calling" 193 00:08:10,633 --> 00:08:12,173 like that's something everyone gets. 194 00:08:12,167 --> 00:08:13,627 Like a jury summons. 195 00:08:13,633 --> 00:08:17,273 - Well, I clearly remember when I got my calling. 196 00:08:18,933 --> 00:08:20,573 - Jeannie! 197 00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:22,327 I told you, you could only 198 00:08:22,333 --> 00:08:23,703 get one Cabbage Patch Kid. 199 00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:25,530 - I want five! 200 00:08:25,533 --> 00:08:27,373 - I said one! 201 00:08:27,367 --> 00:08:30,797 - [screaming] 202 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:33,070 - Okay, fine. Five. 203 00:08:33,067 --> 00:08:34,767 Just stop screaming. 204 00:08:34,767 --> 00:08:37,897 [heavenly chorus] 205 00:08:40,367 --> 00:08:41,827 - It all makes sense now. 206 00:08:41,833 --> 00:08:43,203 - Jim, don't you remember a moment 207 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,300 when you realized you were 208 00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:47,930 put on this planet to do something? 209 00:08:47,933 --> 00:08:50,133 It's not eating. - I... 210 00:08:50,133 --> 00:08:52,403 Jim, isn't your calling to be a father? 211 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,130 - Being a mother is a calling. 212 00:08:54,133 --> 00:08:56,203 Dads order pizza-- we're like 213 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,400 the vice president of the family. 214 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:01,670 - Everyone has a calling. 215 00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:03,467 You just have to listen for it. 216 00:09:03,467 --> 00:09:05,567 - Don't be weird. 217 00:09:05,567 --> 00:09:08,697 [horns honking] 218 00:09:12,267 --> 00:09:14,697 [heartbeat thumping] 219 00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:16,470 - Listen, listen, listen! 220 00:09:16,467 --> 00:09:19,297 You just don't listen! 221 00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:22,400 - Jim.... 222 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:23,400 Jim... 223 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,530 [heartbeat thumping] 224 00:09:25,533 --> 00:09:27,873 Jim... 225 00:09:27,867 --> 00:09:31,527 [heartbeat thumping] 226 00:09:31,533 --> 00:09:33,233 - God? 227 00:09:33,233 --> 00:09:35,803 - Over here... 228 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:37,170 [dance music playing] 229 00:09:37,167 --> 00:09:38,427 - Macaulay? 230 00:09:38,433 --> 00:09:40,703 - Jim! We're having a party up here. 231 00:09:40,700 --> 00:09:42,230 We're re-enacting "Steel Magnolias." 232 00:09:42,233 --> 00:09:43,573 You should totally come. 233 00:09:43,567 --> 00:09:46,867 - Uh, no, I'm good, thanks. 234 00:09:46,867 --> 00:09:50,827 - By the way, your bald spot is gigantic. 235 00:09:55,833 --> 00:09:57,773 - Okay, the next open house is on Bleecker. 236 00:09:57,767 --> 00:09:59,067 Oh, FYI, I lied. 237 00:09:59,067 --> 00:10:00,297 I told them you're happily married 238 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,830 and that Jim is a great husband and father. 239 00:10:01,833 --> 00:10:04,933 - Daniel, Jim is a very active, present father. 240 00:10:04,933 --> 00:10:07,833 Right, Jim? Jim? 241 00:10:07,833 --> 00:10:09,273 - Yeah, that's a great apartment. 242 00:10:09,267 --> 00:10:11,827 - What are you looking at? Our kids are over there. 243 00:10:11,833 --> 00:10:13,703 Joseph! No, no, no. Don't eat that. 244 00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,500 The rats poop in the sandbox. 245 00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:18,170 Come on. 246 00:10:18,167 --> 00:10:21,327 - Daniel, do you believe you were put on this earth 247 00:10:21,333 --> 00:10:24,133 to do something for the benefit of humanity? 248 00:10:24,133 --> 00:10:25,603 - You know, I've thought a lot about that, 249 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,600 but I just don't know where I would hide your body. 250 00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:29,970 - No, seriously. 251 00:10:29,967 --> 00:10:31,597 Was there a moment when you discovered 252 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:33,400 what you were supposed to do with your life? 253 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,970 - Oh, I've always known what I was meant to do with my life. 254 00:10:35,967 --> 00:10:39,097 [children laughing] 255 00:10:43,833 --> 00:10:47,273 - Fabulous party, Grace. - Oh, thank you, Gloria. 256 00:10:47,267 --> 00:10:50,167 Your Daniel is such a little, um, gentleman. 257 00:10:50,167 --> 00:10:53,027 - Oh, yes, he marches to his own beat. 258 00:10:53,033 --> 00:10:55,173 He's very gifted. - Mm. 259 00:10:55,167 --> 00:10:57,727 - Daniel? 260 00:10:57,733 --> 00:11:00,533 Daniel, honey, come. Mommy needs you. 261 00:11:00,533 --> 00:11:03,273 Daniel, now do that little trick that you did 262 00:11:03,267 --> 00:11:06,167 at Uncle Harrington's country estate last weekend. 263 00:11:06,167 --> 00:11:08,597 - Who do you want me to make cry? 264 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,130 - Oh, [laughs]. Not that trick. 265 00:11:11,133 --> 00:11:13,203 What is the square footage 266 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,470 of Mrs. Sawyer's apartment? 267 00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:18,797 - Including the rotunda? - Yes, dear. 268 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,070 - 3,074 feet. 269 00:11:21,067 --> 00:11:22,667 Give or take six inches. 270 00:11:22,667 --> 00:11:23,767 - [gasps] Yes, that's right! 271 00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:25,197 - Oh! [applause] 272 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,070 - Original moldings, near Central Park... 273 00:11:28,067 --> 00:11:30,297 based on current Manhattan quotes, 274 00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:35,300 it would sell for $2,337,125. 275 00:11:35,300 --> 00:11:37,600 - Mm, you see? I told you. 276 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:40,970 He's gonna be the next Donald Trump. 277 00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:44,497 [heavenly chorus] 278 00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:45,900 - So, in this scenario, 279 00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:47,830 "Donald Trump" was a compliment? 280 00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,203 - I don't know. I was ten. 281 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,630 About the age you were when you got out of diapers. 282 00:11:51,633 --> 00:11:53,873 All I know is I was destined 283 00:11:53,867 --> 00:11:55,967 to help people find their dream home. 284 00:11:55,967 --> 00:11:59,067 And then sell it three years later for a profit. 285 00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:01,227 [man beatboxing] 286 00:12:01,233 --> 00:12:02,873 - Father Nicholas? The Priest? 287 00:12:02,867 --> 00:12:04,797 - The guy had this amazing life. 288 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:07,170 He could have been a professional soccer player. 289 00:12:07,167 --> 00:12:08,467 A model. 290 00:12:08,467 --> 00:12:10,527 The guy went to the London School of Economics. 291 00:12:10,533 --> 00:12:12,633 But instead, he chose to become a priest 292 00:12:12,633 --> 00:12:13,803 because he had a calling. 293 00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:14,930 - A calling. A call-- 294 00:12:14,933 --> 00:12:16,073 you know, as a born-again atheist-- 295 00:12:16,067 --> 00:12:17,097 - That's still not a thing. 296 00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:18,570 - I don't believe that the-- 297 00:12:18,567 --> 00:12:20,067 the universe has a plan for me. 298 00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:22,467 You know, I'm the-- the master of my own destiny. 299 00:12:22,467 --> 00:12:23,967 - Doesn't your mom do your laundry? 300 00:12:23,967 --> 00:12:25,427 - Yes, and that's the destiny she chose. 301 00:12:25,433 --> 00:12:27,733 Just as you've chosen to pay for this lunch today. 302 00:12:27,733 --> 00:12:30,503 - You're telling me there wasn't a moment in your life 303 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:35,530 when you felt compelled to do something? 304 00:12:35,533 --> 00:12:37,233 Guy had this amazing life. 305 00:12:37,233 --> 00:12:39,833 He could have been a professional soccer player. 306 00:12:39,833 --> 00:12:40,833 A model. 307 00:12:40,833 --> 00:12:43,503 [heavenly chorus] 308 00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:45,200 That's not what I mean, Dave. - What? 309 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:46,770 You asked if there was a moment in my life 310 00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:48,067 I felt compelled to do something, 311 00:12:48,067 --> 00:12:50,067 and in that moment, I felt compelled to do her. 312 00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:52,897 And in this moment, I feel compelled to do her. 313 00:12:52,900 --> 00:12:55,200 And her. I did her. 314 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,070 Not her. Ah, who am I kidding? 315 00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:58,567 You know, after a couple of beers, her. 316 00:12:58,567 --> 00:13:00,227 - No, a calling, Dave. 317 00:13:00,233 --> 00:13:02,203 - Yeah, well you can have more than one calling. 318 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,070 You can have two callings at the same time. 319 00:13:04,067 --> 00:13:05,327 You know, I mean, uh-- 320 00:13:05,333 --> 00:13:06,833 sometimes you pretend to be a guitar teacher 321 00:13:06,833 --> 00:13:08,333 to get a calling, you know, only then 322 00:13:08,333 --> 00:13:10,133 they discover that you don't know how to play guitar, 323 00:13:10,133 --> 00:13:12,373 but it's too late, 'cause you've already received the callings. 324 00:13:12,367 --> 00:13:14,867 - Mock it all you want, but people get callings. 325 00:13:14,867 --> 00:13:16,567 - Yeah, sometimes callings. 326 00:13:16,567 --> 00:13:17,797 Sometimes it's texting. 327 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,930 Often it's Tinder. 328 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:23,103 Do you believe in destiny? 329 00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:26,500 Can I get some change? 330 00:13:26,500 --> 00:13:28,130 - But--but when you got your calling, 331 00:13:28,133 --> 00:13:29,933 was it all at once? 332 00:13:29,933 --> 00:13:31,633 Like, a moment of catharsis? 333 00:13:31,633 --> 00:13:33,073 What am I looking for? 334 00:13:33,067 --> 00:13:35,297 - Ah, it's different for everyone, I suppose. 335 00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:37,470 I wasn't necessarily looking for a calling. 336 00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:39,327 In fact, I think I fought the idea 337 00:13:39,333 --> 00:13:40,873 through much of University. 338 00:13:40,867 --> 00:13:42,467 - Wait a minute. 339 00:13:42,467 --> 00:13:44,827 Are you saying I could have been called to be a priest, 340 00:13:44,833 --> 00:13:46,933 but I didn't hear it? 341 00:13:46,933 --> 00:13:49,503 - For me, it was that I always found 342 00:13:49,500 --> 00:13:51,100 such beauty in the mass. 343 00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:53,070 The liturgy, the community 344 00:13:53,067 --> 00:13:54,897 in the presence of God. 345 00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:56,100 You know what I mean? 346 00:13:56,100 --> 00:13:59,430 - Yeah. Kind of. 347 00:14:01,567 --> 00:14:02,427 - Let us begin. 348 00:14:02,433 --> 00:14:03,603 In the name of the Father, 349 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:07,330 and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. 350 00:14:07,333 --> 00:14:10,773 Oh God, author of every mercy 351 00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:12,667 and of all goodness, 352 00:14:12,667 --> 00:14:15,267 who in prayer, fasting... 353 00:14:15,267 --> 00:14:17,167 - Stand up straight. 354 00:14:17,167 --> 00:14:19,667 - Shown us the remedy for sin. 355 00:14:19,667 --> 00:14:22,767 Look graciously on this, our confession... 356 00:14:22,767 --> 00:14:26,467 - [clears throat] I volunteered you for the reading. 357 00:14:26,467 --> 00:14:28,297 - What? But I-- 358 00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:29,700 I don't have my glasses. 359 00:14:29,700 --> 00:14:32,300 - Just get up there. Don't be a [bleep]. 360 00:14:32,300 --> 00:14:36,470 - One God, forever and ever. 361 00:14:36,467 --> 00:14:39,297 all: Amen. 362 00:14:39,300 --> 00:14:43,070 - Please be seated. 363 00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:46,167 - Go. 364 00:15:02,667 --> 00:15:03,827 - Uh... 365 00:15:03,833 --> 00:15:07,773 A letter from St. Paul to the Apostles. 366 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:13,070 "Dear Apostles... 367 00:15:13,067 --> 00:15:14,497 How was your weekend?" 368 00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:16,430 - [chuckles] 369 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,900 - "Tell Jesus 'Hey.'" 370 00:15:20,900 --> 00:15:22,930 - [snorts] 371 00:15:22,933 --> 00:15:24,773 - This is the word of the Lord. 372 00:15:24,767 --> 00:15:27,697 all: Thanks be to God. 373 00:15:30,767 --> 00:15:33,167 - Jim, did you ever think 374 00:15:33,167 --> 00:15:35,067 that your calling was to be a father? 375 00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:37,067 - Any guy can do that. 376 00:15:37,067 --> 00:15:38,467 I mean, not you. 377 00:15:38,467 --> 00:15:41,527 I mean, you're a father, but not a father father. 378 00:15:41,533 --> 00:15:43,903 You shouldn't be. You know what I'm saying. 379 00:15:43,900 --> 00:15:45,200 - Yes, I do. 380 00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:47,100 - My point is, I'm talking about 381 00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:49,330 a calling to change the world. 382 00:15:49,333 --> 00:15:51,133 People's lives. 383 00:15:51,133 --> 00:15:52,833 - I'm sure it will be revealed to you 384 00:15:52,833 --> 00:15:53,833 when the time is right. 385 00:15:53,833 --> 00:15:54,833 - Uh. 386 00:15:54,833 --> 00:15:55,833 Okay. 387 00:15:55,833 --> 00:15:56,833 I'll probably be eating. 388 00:15:56,833 --> 00:15:59,773 [man beatboxing] 389 00:16:01,733 --> 00:16:03,173 [heavenly chorus] 390 00:16:03,167 --> 00:16:04,897 - Jim? 391 00:16:04,900 --> 00:16:07,430 Jim? 392 00:16:08,867 --> 00:16:10,167 - Jerry Seinfeld? 393 00:16:10,167 --> 00:16:13,297 - No, it's Whoopi Goldberg. 394 00:16:16,233 --> 00:16:17,233 - Jerry Seinfeld. 395 00:16:17,233 --> 00:16:18,473 Is this my calling? 396 00:16:18,467 --> 00:16:21,897 - Remember Tampa? 1992? 397 00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:23,670 - I blacked most of Tampa out. 398 00:16:23,667 --> 00:16:26,867 - Yeah, it's Florida. Most people do. 399 00:16:28,167 --> 00:16:29,297 - So what did she say? 400 00:16:29,300 --> 00:16:30,670 - Oh, she said she's not gonna 401 00:16:30,667 --> 00:16:32,067 play up that-- that angle in the story. 402 00:16:32,067 --> 00:16:33,327 She thinks we're heterosexual. 403 00:16:33,333 --> 00:16:35,073 I guess we fooled her. - [laughs] 404 00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:38,067 - All right, I'll get rid of her, hold on. 405 00:16:38,067 --> 00:16:40,067 Hello? 406 00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:42,097 Jim? Are you there? 407 00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:44,070 Pick up the phone! 408 00:16:44,067 --> 00:16:45,067 You! 409 00:16:45,067 --> 00:16:46,067 - Me? 410 00:16:46,067 --> 00:16:48,227 - Yes, you! Jim Gaffigan! 411 00:16:48,233 --> 00:16:49,803 Do me a favor: put down your sandwich, 412 00:16:49,800 --> 00:16:51,400 and pick up the phone. 413 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,930 You're always with the eating. 414 00:16:54,933 --> 00:16:55,933 - Hello? 415 00:16:55,933 --> 00:16:57,073 - Hey, it's working. 416 00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:58,327 This is great. 417 00:16:58,333 --> 00:17:00,503 You seem depressed. 418 00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:01,970 - Well, I hate my job. 419 00:17:01,967 --> 00:17:04,567 I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. 420 00:17:04,567 --> 00:17:07,167 The only thing bringing me any joy 421 00:17:07,167 --> 00:17:08,727 is this Cuban sandwich. 422 00:17:08,733 --> 00:17:11,273 I love the way the pickle really balances out 423 00:17:11,267 --> 00:17:13,897 the pork and the other pork. 424 00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:15,970 [audience laughing] 425 00:17:15,967 --> 00:17:17,767 - You should be a comedian. 426 00:17:17,767 --> 00:17:19,097 - A comedian? 427 00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:20,900 I'm a litigation consultant. 428 00:17:20,900 --> 00:17:21,830 [audience laughing] 429 00:17:21,833 --> 00:17:23,703 - What are you talking about? 430 00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:26,530 - They calculate the fees in law cases-- 431 00:17:26,533 --> 00:17:28,733 it--it doesn't matter. 432 00:17:28,733 --> 00:17:30,233 - All right, I'll talk to you later. 433 00:17:30,233 --> 00:17:32,073 I got to go. - Thanks, Jerry. 434 00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:34,427 - Put down the imaginary phone. You look ridiculous. 435 00:17:34,433 --> 00:17:36,103 What are you, Bob Newhart? 436 00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:38,200 - Right, right, right, right. 437 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:40,830 [audience laughing] 438 00:17:44,067 --> 00:17:46,897 I just had the weirdest dream. 439 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:50,200 - You've got to stop eating pastrami before your naps. 440 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,770 - I know what my calling is. 441 00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:54,297 I'm meant to be a stand-up comedian. 442 00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:55,930 - You already are a stand-up comedian. 443 00:17:55,933 --> 00:17:59,533 - Right, right, but I think I've been doing it wrong. 444 00:17:59,533 --> 00:18:03,673 I'm supposed to talk about important issues. 445 00:18:03,667 --> 00:18:05,767 - I like your comedy. 446 00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:07,427 - But if it's my calling, 447 00:18:07,433 --> 00:18:09,073 I should be using my gift 448 00:18:09,067 --> 00:18:10,727 to bring about change. 449 00:18:10,733 --> 00:18:13,673 Make the world a better place. 450 00:18:13,667 --> 00:18:16,567 It's gonna be great. 451 00:18:16,567 --> 00:18:17,897 That's why we're all part 452 00:18:17,900 --> 00:18:21,670 of this cosmic plan, you know? 453 00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:23,167 I--I'm--I'm just telling you 454 00:18:23,167 --> 00:18:25,727 what they're trying to keep you from hearing. 455 00:18:25,733 --> 00:18:28,433 Right? 456 00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:30,533 Look, you know, 457 00:18:30,533 --> 00:18:32,933 you guys got to read the paper. 458 00:18:32,933 --> 00:18:36,403 This is comedy with a "Two-think" minimum. 459 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:39,130 [chuckles] 460 00:18:39,133 --> 00:18:40,303 I... 461 00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:42,300 I'm just hungry for the truth. 462 00:18:42,300 --> 00:18:45,070 Right? Aren't we all? 463 00:18:45,067 --> 00:18:46,297 - Food! 464 00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:50,530 You idiot! Talk about food! 465 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:56,070 - Have you ever eaten so much pastrami you hallucinate? 466 00:18:56,067 --> 00:18:57,627 [laughter] 467 00:18:57,633 --> 00:18:59,833 You know what I mean? I mean, pastrami's my drug. 468 00:18:59,833 --> 00:19:02,503 Some people drink. Some people smoke pot. 469 00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:04,800 I eat pastrami. 470 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,100 I'll come home, and my wife will be like, 471 00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:10,600 "Have you been eating pastrami?" 472 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:12,730 Corned beef? 473 00:19:12,733 --> 00:19:15,333 It's not corn or beef. 474 00:19:15,333 --> 00:19:18,473 [laughter] 475 00:19:22,333 --> 00:19:25,333 [heavenly chorus] 476 00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:33,073 477 00:19:33,067 --> 00:19:34,327 - No line. 478 00:19:34,333 --> 00:19:35,673 - Jim Gaffigan. 479 00:19:35,667 --> 00:19:37,297 No, no, no, no, no, no. 480 00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:38,700 You're in the wrong line. 481 00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:42,130 You belong in the line over there. 482 00:19:42,133 --> 00:19:45,733 That's the line for people that didn't follow their calling. 483 00:19:45,733 --> 00:19:47,703 - But I--but I did follow my calling. 484 00:19:47,700 --> 00:19:49,170 Jerry Seinfeld appeared to me 485 00:19:49,167 --> 00:19:51,497 and told me I'm meant to be a stand-up comedian. 486 00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:53,570 - Oh, I love Seinfeld. 487 00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:56,297 He's a genius. But he's a comedian. 488 00:19:56,300 --> 00:19:57,900 Obviously, he was joking. 489 00:19:57,900 --> 00:20:01,570 - Well, what was my calling, then? 490 00:20:02,700 --> 00:20:06,500 - You were supposed to be a good father. 491 00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:07,500 - Oh. 492 00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:08,800 - Oh, hey, Jim. 493 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:10,670 - Macaulay? - Pete. 494 00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:12,567 - Back again? - As always. 495 00:20:12,567 --> 00:20:13,927 He's with me. 496 00:20:13,933 --> 00:20:18,103 No, I'm just joking. Good luck. 497 00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:20,500 - I hate that guy. 498 00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:22,730 There's so many of them. Five kids. 499 00:20:22,733 --> 00:20:25,973 How is anyone gonna... 500 00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:29,467 - So much 501 00:20:29,467 --> 00:20:33,167 Like me 502 00:20:33,167 --> 00:20:36,767 I'm sorry 503 00:20:41,267 --> 00:20:44,267 [man scatting] 504 00:20:44,267 --> 00:20:47,267 [man singing indistinctly] 505 00:20:47,267 --> 00:20:50,267 [mellow jazzy music] 506 00:20:50,267 --> 00:20:58,397 34017

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