All language subtitles for The.Jim.Gaffigan.Show.S01E10_English

I just don't understand
why a cantaloupe.

Why do people want to eat
honeydew melons anyways?

Mm-hmm.

I mean, they're not
that appetizing.

Why the second look?

Did you forget what her butt
looked like in three seconds?

'Cause I'm storing it.

I'm a lonely man.

You've got a girlfriend.

I dumped her.

- Already?
- Mm-hmm.

[laughs]

Do you think you're ever gonna
settle down with someone?

Well, maybe if I end up
in a wheelchair or something.

Although even Stephen Hawking
got divorced, so you know.

No, no, no.
I'll take it.

- Don't handle my food, please.
- All right.

Why do we come here
every day?

We're in New York City,
the land of 1,000 restaurants.

- We come here.
- A: pastrami.

B: pastrami.

C: I don't have to
worry about

you sleeping with
the waitstaff.

Well, that Miguel is starting
to look pretty good to me.

Yeah.
He does.

He's lost weight.

Oh, my God.

And she sees me and she's
walking right over.

She's walk--

- Hey, Jim.
- Hmm?

Hey, Jim.

- Hey.
- I heard you'd be here.

I just came
to pick up Maggie.

- That's her name?
- [laughs]

Oh, hey, can I use
your keys to get in?

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

[humming]

Thank you.

- Bye.
- Take care.

Bye.

Wow.

What's with
the naughty nanny?

That's Jeannie's sister
from Wisconsin.

She's staying
at our apartment.

Just my type.

She's hot and
lives out of town.

No, no, no, no, no.
Don't go there.

Nobody's going
anywhere.

I know you, Dave.

You're already
halfway there.

She's leaving
after she does

her massage therapy
seminar.

[laughs]

Are you kidding me?

You got this beautiful woman

who's a massage therapist,
for Christ's sakes,

living in your apartment,
and you're hiding her from me?

- Hiding her?
- Yes.

You refuse to come
to my apartment.

Remember you called it
bio weapon lab?

Yeah, you have five kids
and two bedrooms.

I'd rather go to Somalia
in the rainy season.

Come on, the hot masseuse
has got a week to live.

Let her have a little fun.

- Stay away from her.
- Ugh.

Besides, you don't want
to get Miguel jealous.

Right?

[man beatboxing]

[man humming and beatboxing]

The seminars
are during the day.

So if you and Jim want
to go out a couple nights,

I can watch the kids.

Ooh, we could really
use a date night.

We haven't been out
in forever.

We could go out
to dinner.

Even if Jim and I
could just go for a walk.

To a restaurant
and have dinner.

No, you know what,
Jim?

We shouldn't go out.
Maria's the one visiting.

She needs to go out
and see the city.

Does she?
I mean, shouldn't she

bond with her
nephews and nieces?

You know, I don't know.

Maybe she wants to be
an absent aunt.

I don't--after dinner
we have to go to the bar

you have to enter
through the phone booth.

That's so cool,
right?

Jim, we're not
going out.

Well...

Maria, Mom said that
you haven't been out

since you broke up
with Todd.

Why is everyone
in our family

so concerned with
my personal life?

You're right.
I'm sorry.

I just did it again.

Can you please
read us a story?

- Oh.
- Yes, I can, sweet pea.

Story...or a book.

You know what the kids
would love?

War and Peace.

Then we could
go out to dinner.

Jim, we're not
going out.

[phone rings]

Can you get that?

Sure.
Yeah, don't worry. I'll get it.

What, I'm
drinking coffee.

Hello.

Dave who?

You want to come up?

Okay.

[buzzer buzzes]

Why does Dave Marks want
to come up to our apartment?

Maybe he wants
to murder us.

- Do you owe him money?
- Me owe Dave money.

He hasn't been up here
in two years,

since he accused my kids
of giving him swine flu.

Relax.

I don't know why
Dave is coming over to...

Oh, no.

- What?
- Nothing.

It's just Dave saw Maria
at Katz's.

- But I'm sure that's not--
- Jim.

He is not laying a finger
on my little sister.

- It's bad enough he saw her.
- Relax.

We don't even know
why he's coming over here.

Go out in the hallway.
Meet him in the hallway.

- I don't want him to see her.
- You're being ridiculous.

Go out there.
Talk to him in the hallway.

- [coughing]
- Hey, whoa.

Did you just run up
five flights of stairs?

- No.
- What are you doing here?

I just thought I'd stop by.
Can I come in?

No, we're actually--
just--

- Hi, Dave.
- Hey, Jeannie. How you doing?

So weird you haven't been
up here in so long.

Yeah, it's just like
I remembered it.

So I just came by to pick up
my iPhone charger from Jim.

I didn't borrow
an iPhone--

- Just give him one.
- Thanks.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I'm sorry.
Have we met?

I'm Maria.
I saw you at Katz's
today with Jim.

Right.
Of course.

Jim couldn't take a break
from eating to introduce us.

[Maria laughs]

How could I forget
such a beautiful laugh?

I'm comedian and author,
actually, Dave Marks.

Author?

Yeah, I'm working on a series
of children's books.

Oh, Good Night,
Germophobe?

The Very Paranoid
Caterpillar?

Hey, Jim,
if you need some jokes,

you can always just ask,
you know?

Hey, we're doing a show tonight,
Maria, if you want to stop by.

That is so nice, but we just
have to catch up with her.

It's good to see you,
though.

Bye.

Hey, he's cute.

Isn't he?

Jim, can I talk to you
for a second?

Yeah.

I know.

He is not going out
with my little sister.

Dave Marks is after one thing
and one thing only.

She just went
through a breakup.

She's very vulnerable
right now.

- I understand. Okay.
- Good. I hope so.

Because I don't want to raise
five children by myself.

[stammers]
You'd divorce me?

No, Jim, I'm Catholic.
I don't believe in divorce.

I'm just saying if Dave
goes out with Maria,

I would be a single mother
because I killed you.

Wow.

You really pick and choose
your commandments.

(Dave)
Ooh, come on.

I'm not that guy anymore.

- I promise.
- Really?

Yeah, really.
Huh?

All right, you can take me
out to dinner.

Okay, I'm gonna take
you out to dinner.

Didn't you say you weren't
gonna hit on Maria,

then you just show up
at my apartment?

Ugh.
You're unbelievable.

No, no, no.

- Look, I--
- Such a pig.

I don't even
know that woman.

I was just picking up
my iPhone charger.

[grumbles]

Here.
Turns out I have a Samsung.

Of course, you do.
Look.

I don't want you
to ask Maria out,

and more importantly,

Jeannie doesn't want you
to ask Maria out.

Oh, Jeannie.

That's what it is.

Jeannie doesn't want me
to ask her out.

You know what, man,
I can't believe you.

The way you pick your wife
over your friend.

Dave, marriage,
by definition,

is choosing your wife
over your friends.

Yeah, I know a lot of guys
who don't believe that.

Yeah, are any of them
still married?

That's not important.

The point is, is that
they're men of principle.

[scoffs]

Here's my principle.

Don't ask Maria out.

All right, fine.

If it means that much
to your wife, I won't.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- I'm gonna go home.
- Okay.

All right.

Say hi to your parole officer,
you eunuch.

All right,
say hi to your hand.

Hello, Jim.

This morning after I dropped off
the kids at school,

I went to
Russ & Daughters,

and I got you an everything
bagel with cream cheese.

- [sniffs]
- Ooh! It's still warm.

[gasps, laughs groggily]

Oh, my gosh.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just cutting
your delicious bagel up

into tiny little
bite-size pieces.

Oh, you spoil me.

[chuckles]

[toilet flushing]

What did you do?

You monster.

I'm just trying
to re-create how I felt

when I found out Maria
has a date with Dave Marks.

I told Dave
Maria's off-limits.

He gave me his word.

His word?

That man has
no principles.

[gasping]

You're gonna give a speech
about principles

when you throw a bagel
in a toilet?

(Jim)
You're a sociopath.

Do you know what this woman
did to my bagel?

It was my idea.

You can't have snakes
in your backyard

and expect them to only
bite your neighbors.

What does
that even mean?

It's a metaphor,
Jim.

In this case, the snakes
represent Dave.

I know.

My baby sister has a date
with Satan tonight,

and you have
to stop it.

I told them no.
It's 8:00 in the morning.

What--when'd
they meet, huh?

Apparently, they
connected on Facebook,

the playground
of predators.

But I still blame you.

You blame me?
That's insane.

Right? Isn't that right?
That's insane.

Oh, girl,
I think it's cray-cray,

but I'm still
on Jeannie's side.

Just--just talk to her.

She's an adult.
You're kind of an adult.

Tell her how you feel
about Dave.

She won't listen
to me, Jim.

Every time
I try to tell her

about what's wrong
with her life,

she accuses me of meddling
even though I'm always right.

She thinks I'm crazy.

She thinks you're crazy?

I think you're a lunatic.

You took a perfectly good
everything bagel,

and you flushed it!
You flushed it!

Okay.
Okay, okay.

You're both
being ridiculous.

You're pushing them
into each other's arms.

Haven't you ever
seen The Notebook?

Of course not.
I'm not a 12-year-old girl.

Jim, you've never
seen The Notebook?

I saw it on a plane
twice.

Wait.
The Notebook.

I see what
Daniel's saying.

We can't interfere.

The more we try
to keep them apart,

the more they want
to be together.

Exactly.
It's like Jim and cheese.

So this has
nothing to do

with me looking
like Ryan Gosling?

You've got to let them
go on a date.

If you just
leave it alone,

Dave will figure out that
Maria's not right for him,

and Maria will figure out
that Dave's the kind of guy

who hangs out with
somebody like Jim.

Who looks like
Ryan Gosling.

Even from space, you look
nothing like Ryan Gosling.

Hey, Daniel,
Mad Men called.

They want
their clothes back.

[chuckles]

Sorry.

[sighs]

(Maria)
The Statler.

Never heard of that.

It's by Penn Station.
[laughs]

Oh.
Neat.

Yeah.

Oh, I can't believe
I have a date.

[both laugh]

Jeannie, to be clear,
the kids have eaten,

Maria's going out,
and you're not hungry.

Don't worry, Jim.
I don't want any of your pizza.

[scoffs]
This is not pizza.

It's Chicago deep dish
that took 45 minutes to cook.

I mean, this pizza
makes regular pizza

look like
bagel bites.

Do we have
bagel bites?

Hey, thanks for being so cool
about this, Jeannie.

- Mm.
- I'm surprised.

You know, I thought
I overheard you say

that you don't
like Dave.

Oh.
That was Dave Attell.

I love Dave Marks.

I just got to let it cool
for ten minutes.

You're not gonna
get hungry in, like,

the next ten minutes,
are you?

This is so great.

I feel like I'm just
used to everybody

treating me
like the baby.

Oh, I'm sorry I ever
made you feel like that.

I just want
to be your friend.

No, it's fine.

It's in the past.

Speaking of the past,
in the past,

you've said
you don't want a bite,

and then you suddenly
want a bite.

And your bites are kind of
like shark bites.

Jim, what are you
talking about?

[phone rings]

I'm just saying that...

if you're hungry, I--

You know what?

We have tuna salad in the fridge
that looks amazing.

You know, I can
make you a sandwich.

Even cut the bread so
it looks like a pizza slice.

That would be fun for you,
right?

Okay, how do I look?

Too much?

(Jim, in sleazy voice)
Oh, yeah.

[stammers]
The pizza.

Not--
not you.

[knock at door]

- Hey, what's going on, buddy?
- Hey, buddy.

Thought you promised you
weren't gonna ask her out.

I didn't ask her out.
She asked me on Facebook.

I found a loophole.

Yeah, well, you hurt her,
I kill you.

[snorts]
All right.

- Or I get killed.
- Yeah.

The point is,
someone's gonna die.

Oh, come on.
You smell like cheese.

- Get out of the way.
- I like cheese.

- Hey, Maria.
- Hi.

How you doing?
You look great.

- Thanks.
- You all set?

- Uh, yeah.
- Yeah, okay, great.

Hey.

Thank you.
Bye, Jeannie.

[chuckles]
You guys have fun.

Bye.

[clicks tongue]
Have a good one.

That was like ten minutes,
right?

That was at least
close enough to ten.

Hola, Jim.

Oh, hey,
Blanca.

Blanca, I think there was
a miscommunication.

We're not going
out tonight.

(Jeannie)
Jim, get your nice clothes on.

We're going
to the Statler.

But--

My--my pizza.

[stammering]

[panting]
This--

You have 30 seconds.

No.

That looks good.

[diners chatting quietly]

[Jim humming quietly]

You know, I'm gonna get
another loaf of bread.

You want more bread,
right?

Can't believe he took her
to a place near Penn Station.

What's wrong
with Penn Station?

You know.

[Jim humming quietly]

Oh, yeah.
[chuckles]

Ah, you know, hey, you know, can
you get more bread?

She wants more bread.

Thanks a lot.

She doesn't
like him.

Dave has failed.

I knew she could do better
than a stand-up comedian.

What's that supposed to mean?

[scoffs]
What are these people doing?

How dare they interfere
with your snooping.

[diners chatting indistinctly]

They left?

Did they see us?

Come with me.

Uh, I just
got my linguine.

The couple
that was sitting

at this table,
where are they?

Excuse me?

That was my sister.

And the man that she's with
is a known predator.

- Do you know where they went?
- Why would I know?

(woman)
I heard
their conversation.

He talked about himself
the entire meal.

- He was pathetic.
- I know, ma'am.

Do you happen to know
where they went?

The creepy guy
kept bringing up Hitler

and some Bowery ball game.

- Bowery Ballroom.
- That's it.

And the girl
in the hooker dress,

she didn't seem interested,
but she went anyway.

Maybe he slipped her
a Mickey.

We have to go to the
Bowery Ballroom right now.

But I'm still eating.

What if Dave
drugged Maria?

That's insane.

I know who you are.

Oh, yeah?

You were a waiter
at Del Frisco.

- Great service.
- Thank you.

[dramatic musical flourish]

[crowd chattering indistinctly]

[loud rock music]

Sir,
no outside food.

Jim, put that away.

Have you seen
a couple here tonight,

a woman mid-20s and
a creepy looking guy?

Honey, this is a rock club.

You just described
everybody in here.

[humming]

This woman.

That's a baby.

No, this woman.

That's another baby.

No, the woman
holding the baby.

No, do you guys
want anything to drink?

Oh, Brooklyn lager,
please.

Danke.

What, I'm not on duty.

No, show her
a picture of Dave.

Why would I have
a picture of Dave?

I'm not dating him.
[sighs]

Oh, you mean--
Oh.

His website.

Ugh.
Have you seen this guy?

Oh, him, yeah.
He was here with a girl earlier.

He couldn't keep
his hands off her.

Ew.
I knew he roofied her.

- Stop.
- Where'd they go?

They said something
about The Cage.

I don't know.
They weren't here very long.

Dave Marks took my baby sister
to a place called The Cage?

It's just a club
on the lower east side.

Let's go.

No, no.
[mumbles]

Jim.
Now.

[dramatic musical flourish]

[music thudding distantly]

It takes an hour
to get into a club?

Only the good ones.

I can't believe he took her
to see strippers.

I think that's
burlesque.

How is it different?

Those women
probably have PhDs.

Let's split up, see if
we can track them down.

Okay.

Hi.

Do you know Dave?

I'm gonna get a beer.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.
Have you seen this girl?

This girl here.
You haven't seen her?

[loud dance music]

This is good
information.

- Mm-hmm.
- Thanks.

You really think it's
better than Shake Shack?

Yeah.

Why would I go all the way
to Greenpoint for a burger?

(Jeannie)
What did you find out?

Uh...
[stammers]

Not much.

Ugh.
Me neither.

In fact, people
seemed annoyed

that I was asking
about my sister.

And nobody has even
heard of Dave Marks.

Oh, I know
Dave Marks.

- He just left.
- Where did he go?

He was going to do
the Whiplash show at UCB.

Let's go.

Thanks, Amanda.

It's actually Nancy.

I just go by Amanda

when weirdos talk to me
after my show.

Oh.
Okay.

[dramatic musical flourish]

[laughter]

It's pitiful.

Thinks he can use his stand-up
as an aphrodisiac.

Well, it did work
on you.

Oh, my god.
You're right.

- Where is she?
- Hey, Hannibal.

Hey, Jim,
I love you,

but there's no room
on the show, man.

It's totally
booked up.

Dave Marks
went crazy long.

That bastard.
Where is he?

I think he left.

Well, who does he
think he is?

What, he thinks rules
don't apply to him?

I'm not gonna let him
get away with this.

Okay, if she's gonna be
that wild about it, it's--

I'll give you eight minutes.

Eight minutes,
I'll squeeze you in.

Let's go.

Damn, Jeannie, all right,
you can go on next.

But you got to
get your balls back, man.

This is
out of control.

You're not going on.

I can't believe
you went on.

That pope bit
has potential.

- Any word from Maria?
- No.

I guess
we'll just go home.

Is there any place else
that Dave might go

this time of night:
the Cellar, the Silka?

- Crif Dogs?
- Dave goes there?

No, I just want a hot dog.

There is one place he's
mentioned a couple of times.

[dramatic musical flourish]

Now, this
is a strip club.

Oh, I am so glad you're
not the kind of guy

that goes into
places like this.

Jim!

I--

(Jim)
I swear, I've never
been here before.

- How do you know Jim?
- Oh. [laughs]

I own
all his albums.

Hey, thanks for
keeping it clean.

I can listen
with my kids.

Oh, cool.

Um...

Do you know
Dave Marks?

Yeah, his jokes are a little
too risqué for my taste.

Hey, Peaches.

Is Dave in there
right now?

We got a strict policy

about the confidentiality
of our clients.

Right.

Okay, so I guess we'll just
go in and take a look around.

Whoa.
I'm not going in there.

All right,
I'll go in.

You are not going
in there either.

Look, man, I really need
to know if Dave's in there.

Sorry, bro.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

[laughs]

Maybe my friend Abraham Lincoln
can jog your memory.

A $5 bill?

All right.
[clears throat]

What if he's joined
by his buddy...

George?

Jim.

Keep your money.
He's not here.

(Macaulay Culkin)
He's built
like a tuna can.

I swear.
[laughs]

Oh, hi, Jim.
How you doing?

[clicks tongue]
Hey. [laughs]

Is that...

He's--he's--
Don't even ask.

Probably not.

[subway wheels clacking]

Yeah, don't mind us.

It's not like
he kidnapped her.

Dave did not kidnap her.

This is ridiculous.

She's 25 years old.

- She's fine.
- You're right. You're right.

I can't stop her from
making her own mistakes.

What am I gonna do when
the kids grow up, Jim?

Don't worry.

I'll have you
committed by then.

[chuckles]

Be honest.

Am I really
crazy?

Yes.

And that's what I love
about you.

I'm sorry I ruined
your night.

Are you kidding?

We haven't gone out
like this in years.

I'm not making out
with you on the subway.

I was just trying
to give you a hug.

[both sighing]

Maria.

Hey, party people.

You guys were out late.

Wait.
How was your date?

Um, I did something
really stupid.

Okay.

You know what,
whatever it is,

before you say anything,
you're an adult.

You make your
own decisions.

And I love you.

I absolutely agree.

I ate Jim's pizza.

- You whore.
- Jim.

I mean, didn't you eat
when you went out to dinner?

It's--
[scoffs]

I had to
get out of there.

I was home at,
like, 9: 00.

Yeah, no,
we figured.

- You know.
- You ate the whole thing?

I mean,

really?

Jim, you already ate.

I didn't eat
Chicago deep dish

that I cooked personally
with these hands for 45 minutes.

But no, you know what?
Don't worry.

I don't want to wake up
the kids.

But you're lucky.

Dave talked about himself
the entire time.

Yeah, that's him.

And did you know that
he lives with his mother?

Yes.

You know,
speaking of family,

my brother Joe, who
might be dead any minute,

gave me that pizza.

Not that you care.
All right, so just...

You know, Jeannie,
I really wish that

you would have just told me
Dave's not my type.

I would much rather
have spent the night

hanging out
with the kids.

[laughter]

You think after
the pizza incident

we're gonna let you
around our children?

- Tell her.
- I'm so sorry.

I didn't
want to meddle.

Next time,
please, meddle.

- I would love that.
- Yeah, me too.

I will do that.

[both laugh]

[coos]

Oh.

Jim, what are
you doing?

I'm gonna cut the pizza
out of your sister.

[both laugh]

I'm serious.

[dramatic musical flourish]

[camera shutter clicks]

[indistinct
police radio chatter]

[sighs]

What kind of monster
would do this?

I know.

She ate
the whole thing.

[sighs]

Chicago deep dish.

I'm sorry.

The specialist victim...

ever.

[crunches]

[somber music swells]