All language subtitles for The.Jim.Gaffigan.Show.S01E09_English

[man beatboxing]

[man humming and beatboxing]

Great news!

Booked the water
commercial.

Oh, that is great.

I'm the water guy.

I'm now part
of the great conspiracy

to sell everyone that thing they
can get free from any faucet.

Whatever pays
these kids' tuitions.

I hope they inherit
your integrity.

I only have one
show tonight.

Go get them,
water guy.

Hey, will you do me a favor
and swing by the church,

pick up something for me?

The church is open at night,
like Taco Bell?

Father Nicholas has been
holding onto a gift for me.

It's a bible.

A bible from a priest?

Sounds like a re-gift.

Down came the rain and...

Jim, will you
pick it up for me?

Yeah, I'll swing by the church
on the way to the club.

Perfect. Thanks.

[beatboxing]

Jim, you're here
for confession!

Confession? Uh...

How many Hail Marys
for sloth and gluttony?

[both laughing]

And how many
Hail Marys

for not doing any
of those Hail Marys?

Tough crowd.

Actually, Jeannie wanted me
to pick up a gift.

A bible?

Ah, yes.
It is in the sacristy.

Excuse me for a moment,
Mrs. Gabriello.

- Follow me.
- I guess I'll wait.

Looks like I was
invited backstage.

[laughs]

Sorry.

[beatboxing]

Who's that?

Is that St. Seinfeld?

[laughs]

"What's the deal with sitting?"

[both laughing]

For your wife's tireless
service to our parish,

we are giving your family
this beautiful heirloom Bible,

personally blessed
by the Holy Father himself.

Wow. Is that...

Are we supposed to read it or
ride down the Mississippi on it?

I mean, that is--wow.

Hey, you don't happen
to have a bag or a rickshaw

to help carry this around?

I'm sorry, Jim.
We have no bags.

Garbage bag?

No.

It's not that
I'm embarrassed

to be seen with a bible

the size of an aircraft carrier,

it's just, I'm going
to a comedy club,

and I don't want to get
stand-up comedy on it.

So I'm like,
"Get the [bleep] out here,

you bitch-ass mother[bleep]."

You can't say that.

I said it.

What's the book for?

It's for reading.

That's what they're for.
You should try it.

- What do you got there?
- It's--it's Moby Dick.

See, it's got a harpoon
on the cover.

So is that the version
of Moby Dick

where Jesus comes back
from the dead

and slays the whale

and then blames it
on the Jews?

Well, it's always our fault.

Hey, Jim, I'm
about to light 'em.

- You're up.
- Oh.

Don't worry, Ishmael.
I'll hold your bible for you.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.

- Whoa.
- Right?

Let's try and find the part
where the dinosaurs don't exist.

It's probably right
next to the part

where Jesus is a blonde
white guy.

- Exactly.
- I got to get out of here.

- All right, buddy.
- All right, now.

I think it's great
when a man's not afraid

to express his beliefs.

You--you talking about
the bible--my bible?

I'm off at 11:00.

Fine.

Amazing, man.

I've been a Jew
my whole life.

Never once has the Torah
helped me out,

but that book truly
is the good book.

Hell, it's--
that's a great book.

A little respect.

The Pope blessed
this thing.

Yeah, you call him
the Pope.

- I call him my wingman.
- Oh, my God. There he is.

- Go ask him for a picture.
- Hey, I'm sorry.

Would it be possible
to get a photo?

Yeah, why not?

With Jim?

All right.

[both laughing]

Can you take it?

Can you?

Yeah.

You're my ten-year-old brother's
favorite comedian.

Right? The kids love him.

Aw, America's
sweetheart.

Perfect. Perfect.

Here, I'll give you one with me.

This one's for you.

Get in nice and close.

That's just my
hand sanitizer.

Okay.

All right?

Why would you
do that?

(Dave)
Why did I do what?

[indistinct chatter]

(Jeannie)
Hey, you guys
all finished, right?

- Hey.
- Hi, Daddy.

- Hi, Daddy!
- Hi, Daddy!

Hi, Daddy!

Jim, it's 11:00 a.m.

You're up early.

I--I didn't
hear a buzzer.

I've got my own key.

Yeah, it makes sense,
Jim,

in case there's ever
an emergency.

What, a fashion emergency?

No, it makes sense.
Think about it.

What if, you know,
for example,

you're eating something
larger than your head,

as usual,
and you start to choke?

Well, obviously Jeannie can't
get her arms around you

to do the Heimlich,
so she calls me, I rush over,

I let myself in, and we both
watch you choke to death.

What's it like to be your age
and still have acne?

Are you two
fighting again?

No. In fact,

I was just asking Jim
about his bible reading.

Jim?
Read the bible?

Catholics don't need
to read the bible.

That's why they give us
Cliff Notes on Sunday.

Then what is this picture
of you holding a bible

the size of a child's coffin
doing on the Huffington Post?

- Let me see this.
- Congratulations.

You made the front page,
right next to a story

about Miley Cyrus's tongue.

"Entertainers of faith.

"Funny man Jim Gaffigan isn't
ashamed of his Catholicism.

"He's seen here leaving
a New York comedy club

with his bible in hand."

- What are they talking about?
- I know.

- They lost me at "funny man."
- Oh, no.

I've been outed
as a Christian.

What is wrong with that?

Well, I don't want people
to think I believe in God.

But you do believe in God.

Yeah, but that's
my private business.

Besides, the perception

is that people that believe
in God are stupid.

Oh, I don't think
that's true.

Your signature bit
is you singing,

"Hot Pockets,"
and suddenly you're worried

about people thinking
you're stupid?

No. No, really.
This is serious business.

I don't want to get involved
in the culture war.

Religion's iffy.

Once you identify yourself
as believing something,

you open yourself
to ridicule.

You're being completely
paranoid.

Just because you
believe in a Jesus

that looks like
Chris Hemsworth

doesn't mean people are gonna
think they're better than you.

They got plenty
of other reasons for that.

Come on, Daniel.

You don't believe in some
sort of higher power?

You think God made man
in his image?

I'm a target now.

I know.
A mighty big one too.

I think Daniel's
right.

- Oh, well thank you.
- No. Not about that.

About you being
paranoid.

It's one picture
on one website.

[cell phone rings]

See? My phone's
ringing already.

It's probably Bill Maher wanting
to destroy me on his show.

You are being
ridiculous.

Hello?

Hey, Alex.

Really.
That is so cool.

I--okay, I'm gonna
tell Jim right now.

Okay, bye.

Somebody
at the White House

saw your article
in the Huffington Post.

We've been invited to their
annual prayer breakfast.

How about that?

Wow.
That's not bad.

I mean, maybe
I overreacted a little bit.

What do you think
of that, Daniel?

Looks like I'm going
to the White House.

Look who's cool now,
like Jay-Z and Beyonce.

Aw, yeah.
Uh-huh.

I'm gonna shake it off.

All right,
that's not a cool dance.

Kids, go back to your room.

Dude, awesome.

It was great.

- Great crowd.
- Mr. Gaffigan?

- Oh, hi.
- Kevin Ferguson.

I'm an executive
at Cane Corp.

Oh, great.

- Yeah.
- Never heard of it?

Um, no.

We operate a chain
of restaurants

called "Pizza House."

"Make your house
a Pizza House."

That's us.

We're looking for a new
spokesperson.

Oh, that's--that's
very flattering,

but I'm already doing
this water campaign,

so I don't want to do
too many commercials.

A water campaign.
That sounds fun.

Two days in Florida
with us, seven figures.

I could go to the airport
right now, if you want me to.

Our CEO loves you.

Oh, yeah?
He likes my comedy?

Well, he hasn't
seen your comedy,

but he likes that you work clean
and that you have five kids.

Jim, you'd be the perfect person
to represent our company

and reflect our American values
like pro-community...

- That's me.
- And pro-family...

That's me.

The repudiation
of homosexuality.

That's--that's not me.

I just told the guy "no."

You turned down
a million bucks?

- Yeah.
- A million bucks?

Yeah.

I'll do it
for a million bucks.

I'd do it for 50 bucks
and one of their awful pizzas.

But I'd be associated
with being anti-gay.

I don't hate gays.
I just like money more.

You know,
for a million bucks,

I'd make sweet love
to Neil Patrick Harris.

I'd do Ed Harris
for that much.

You know, this offer means
that there's probably tons

of people out there that think
of me as a homosexual-hater.

That's probably 'cause
you go around whispering

strange phrases like
"homosexual hater."

You know, this
is an indication

that I'm being judged
for my religious beliefs.

Oh, boo-hoo.

I'm sorry if you're
feeling persecuted, Jim.

That's a little something
my people have had to deal with

for, like, 4,000 years.

[cell phone ringing]

God, my phone
won't stop ringing.

You know what this means?

If I'm identified
as a perfect Christian...

- Right.
- Then people are gonna dig up

all the bad things I've done...

- Oh, yeah.
- And try to humiliate me.

Yeah, I don't think people
really care that much, buddy.

I kind of feel like people
here are looking at me.

I think they're shocked
to see that you're not eating.

[cell phone rings]

Again.

It is so nice to see someone
say grace before a meal.

I love the article in HuffPo.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey, what is wrong
with your phone?

Alex has been calling
constantly.

The Washington Post
wants to interview you,

Joel Osteen wants
to take you to dinner,

and Richard Dawkins
wants to debate you.

Ugh.

This situation's
getting out of control.

Why don't you just
tell everybody

you're not
crazy religious?

Well, if I do that,
then the crazy

religious people
will hate me.

So then tell them all
that you believe in God.

Then I'll lose
the atheists.

I'm just gonna tell everyone
exactly what happened.

I did pick up this bible,
but you know, it's not...

- We saw the picture.
- Yeah.

I mean, it's not
even my bible.

It's my wife's bible,

and as you know,
she's a Shiite Catholic,

so of course
she would have a bible

the size of Rhode Island, right?

Right. Sure. No.
No, here's what I'm getting.

Here's what I'm
understanding here.

If--and tell me
if I'm wrong here.

It seems that you are so
concerned that people

might think you have
faith in something

that you are willing
to nationally

throw your wife
under the bus.

- That...
- No, no, no.

I mean, you know,
I don't know if that's fair.

- No. No, no, no. Are you--
- It's just...

You're gonna throw
a bible at me.

- No, no, no.
- Don't.

- Don't throw a bible at me.
- Jon. Jon, come on.

- I mean, it's...
- No, especially that bible.

- It's bigger than I am.
- I know.

It's like
a Tempurpedic bible.

I understand
what you're saying.

Look, I just--you know,

I don't have an issue
with the bible,

or you know--it's just that,

like, if I imagine
if people

see you carrying around
an enormous bible,

they might get the--
I mean,

that's why I
asked our priest

if I could put the bible in,
like, a big black garbage bag.

Oh--oh!

A garbage bag?

That's--that's
not what I meant.

That's what you said.

- I'm a comedian.
- That wasn't funny.

And you called me
a Shiite Catholic.

You think the Shiites
are gonna be mad?

You're more worried
about offending the Shiites

than your own wife.

Well, there's only
one of you.

There's, like,
a billion of them.

A garbage bag, Jim?

Move your feet!

Wait, are you really mad at me
for not wanting to carry

and enormous bible
around New York City?

Jesus had to carry
his own cross.

Not around Manhattan.

- Don't even talk to me.
- Oh, you know what?

I just--

Who the hell's calling at...

[cell phone ringing]

Hey, Alex.

What?

All right.

Okay. Bye.

You're not gonna
believe this.

- I lost the water commercial.
- Why?

They said I'm
too controversial.

They're afraid I'm gonna
alienate their customer base.

Customer base?
What cu--

Who doesn't
drink water?

Well, they want to go
with someone less divisive,

and we've been uninvited to the
White House prayer breakfast.

I'm glad you fixed
this situation.

Look, I didn't...

[cell phone ringing]

I guess this is
them revoking my citizenship.

Yeah.

What national news story?

Trending on Twitter right now,
Christian comedian Jim Gaffigan

caused quite a stir when he
admitted on national television

that he was throwing his beloved
bible into the garbage.

This can't be happening.

(man)
And in entertainment news,

stand-up comedian
Jim Gaffigan...

Daddy, stop
watching TV.

It turns your
brain to mush.

I'm doing
research.

Get Daddy
another bagel.

(man)
I think it's refreshing
to see a comedian

who's not afraid
of his faith,

although what kind
of knucklehead

would put a holy text
in a garbage bag?

I always thought that
Gaffigan guy was weird.

Oh, come on.

Locals have been reacting
to Jim Gaffigan and his bible.

I used to think
he was really funny,

but now he's just
preaching all the time.

What, is it every channel?

A devout Christian, encountered
some significant blowback

among online secular groups.

Liz, your thoughts?

Jim Gaffigan's five kids are
a repudiation of women's rights.

What?

He treats his wife
like a baby machine.

He probably makes her
wear a burka at home.

- No!
- I take that back.

Jim Gaffigan would never
do that because Jim Gaffigan

probably hates Muslims.

I don't hate Muslims.

I love halal food.

I'm tired of celebrities
using their fame

as a platform to promote their
twisted personal agendas.

[woman speaking Spanish]

Embattled comedian
Jim Gaffigan appears

to be losing even the support
of his peers, right, Judy?

Rachel, Jim has always
been a bigot.

We all have known it for years.

I mean,
he's obsessed with bacon.

That's all he talks about.

You want to know
who can't eat bacon?

Jews and Muslims, that's who.

-Come on!
- Shame on you, Jim Gaffigan.

Wow.

Well, that's pretty
strong stuff.

Well, Dave Marks,
you're Jim Gaffigan's friend.

- I mean, is he an anti-Semite?
- What?

Well, you know, look,
Rachel, I'm a Jew, you know,

and Jim has been--
he's been tolerant, you know?

But I can't vouch
for what the man says

or thinks in the privacy
of his own home.

That is insane.

I'm gonna be at Banana's
in Poughkeepsie

on Saturday night,
8:00 and 10--

What if I told you
there was a comedian

who carried around a bible?

It might surprise you, right?

Then we find out he is rumored
to be involved

in a homosexual relationship

with New York real estate agent
Daniel Benjamin.

What?

The real victim
of Jim Gaffigan--

the real victim:
his wife, Jeannie.

That's...

He's out gallivanting
all over town with his lover,

mocking the church
with blatant adultery.

I feel sorry for her.

I feel sorry
for that poor woman.

Don't blame the victim.

Jim Gaffigan? Are you crazy?

I would not buy Jim Gaffigan.

If Jim Gaffigan were a stock,
he'd be ENRON!

Just make me laugh,
Hot Pocket guy.

Stay out of my civil liberties
with your hypocrisy.

Jim Gaffigan, our "Worst
Person in the World."

Oh, no.

[groaning]
Oh!

Dad, Mommy
got you Shake Shack.

Dad?

Mom, I think
Dad's dead.

Get up.

You're being ridiculous,

and you're worrying
the children.

You know,
go to a club.

Do a set.

You'll feel
so much better.

[man singing indistinctly]

23rd and 7th, please.

Just so you know, I never said
I had a problem with Muslims.

Even though you're
probably Sikh.

I support all religions equally,

all races, creeds,
colors, transgender, too,

not that I'm saying
you're transgender.

I mean, I like your turban.

It's very masculine.

You know--you know,
I'm gonna get out here.

This is great, you know, you've
been really--you know what?

Here, you can just
keep the change.

I'm--I'm fine. Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

And our next comedian, ladies
and gentlemen, Jim Gaffigan.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I was talking to my wife
tonight about avocados...

(man)
Your wife? Aren't you gay?

And I was thinking, you
know, to save time, I'm gonna

start throwing my avocados out
at the grocery store.

(man)
If you're gay,
why don't you come out

instead of living a lie?

Think about your wife
and kids, coward.

I'm not gay. I...

(man)
He's not gay.

He hates gays, Muslims,
and Jews.

No, no, no, I never
said anything about the Jews.

Some people hate gays
and Muslims.

- No. No.
- Shut up!

Let him do his act!

What, is he gonna read
from his bible?

- What's wrong with the bible?
- Please, please.

I--I just want to talk
about avocados.

If I could just talk
about the avocados,

and I never said anything
about any of those people.

[dramatic music]

Get him!

He's too fat to run.

Jeannie?

There he is, the incredibly
poorly-groomed one!

- What the...?
- Hey, hey, hey.

Are we running?

You told me
there'd be no running.

After him!

What?

[punk rock music]

There's that religious freak.

Dave, what are you doing?

I'm with the atheists, man.

Finally, we got something
to believe in.

all: Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!

[chanting continues]

[indistinct shouting]

Let's get this over with.
My meter is running.

The water spout

Down came the rain
and washed the spider out

Jim, can you pick up
the bible?

Jim?

Will you pick it up for me?

Um, I don't have time.

Okay, I'll pick it up
tomorrow.

- Thank God.
- What?

- Nothing.
- Bye.

[man singing indistinctly]

[mellow jazzy music]