All language subtitles for The.Jim.Gaffigan.Show.S01E08_English

[baby crying]

[man beatboxing]

[man humming and beatboxing]

Hey, honey.

Oh, don't forget,

it's curriculum night
at the school.

We have to be there at 6:00.

6:00?

Yeesh. I'm gonna
have to take an early nap.

You just woke up. Do you have
any idea what time it is?

You know what time
I went to bed last night?

No.

Neither do I.

That binge-watching is killer.

Netflix is like
a giant hole some nights.

Oh, my God.

Jim, looking at you just now
cured me of gayness.

I am no longer attracted to men.

Oh. I'll try to attempt
to be more presentable next time

I don't invite you
to my apartment.

(Jeannie)
You two are just so
much fun to be around.

Oh, my God.

What? Whoa, Jim!

- You're actually on the cover!
- Yeah.

They interviewed me for
an article on New York dads.

I didn't think
I'd get the cover.

Well, it's official.
Print media is dead.

Daniel.
I think this is awesome.

It's so pro-family.

- It's pretty cool, right?
- Wait, settle down.

It's Time Out New York.
It's not The New Yorker.

Um, this is strange.

What?

I don't see any mention
of me anywhere.

- Let me see that.
- I'm sure I do.

Right there.

"Gaffigan, who lives with
his wife and five children."

- Yeah, there I am.
- "His wife?"

You couldn't even say her name?

I was protecting her privacy.

Well, you mention
all the kids' names here,

and here you talk
about your awful friend Dave.

This whole article reads
like you're a single father.

Hey, it's not his fault.

I'm sure it was
some sort of mistake.

And the word "wife"
is in the crease.

Oh, come on. I have no control
over what a journalist writes.

(Jeannie)
Yeah, exactly.
This is so typical of the media.

Any father who's moderately
involved in his kids' lives

is considered an instant hero.

They probably
think Jim's Superdad

because he remembered
all five of our kids' names.

Wait, there's five now?

Shall we quiz him
on their names?

Jim helps out in many ways
that you can't see.

Name one.

He takes them
on outings all the time.

Yep.

He takes them to restaurants

when they're sleeping.

They come back smelling
like smoked meat.

That's a great smell.

- He helps out with naps.
- I do.

(Daniel)
Can you name something
that doesn't involve eating

or sleeping?

Uh, I took the garbage out
last night.

Yeah.
You were in your underwear.

You almost got arrested.

Yeah, I had to bring the garbage
back in to avoid the cop.

It was like double the work.

But that's okay.
I took it out again later.

See? I do tons of stuff.

You know, obviously
I'm not Superdad,

but all I have to do
is call the writer

and explain that Jeannie's
the real superstar.

Oh, no, no. Don't do that.
That's gonna backfire.

I don't want people
thinking I'm a bad mom

'cause I chose you
to have kids with.

(Daniel)
Yeah, she makes a good point.

That came out wrong.

I'm not that bad
of a father, am I?

Not at all.

You're a great father.

You're a Superdad.

Superdad?

I mean,
you're literally being rewarded

for overpopulating the planet
with your Aryan offspring.

I feel kind of bad,
'cause Jeannie

didn't even
get mentioned in the article.

Why? I'm only in here
for a paragraph.

Well, it's an article
about parenting.

Oh.

She's the mother
and does 90% of the work.

It's not enough that you
don't use birth control

and have no life?

Look, I got to
tell you something, man.

- It's a little humiliating.
- What?

You're known as a dad,
you know?

You're like the human equivalent
of cargo shorts.

What's wrong
with cargo shorts?

- Well...
- I like being a dad.

I am a dad.

It's the most important thing
I will ever fail at.

You know, you didn't
get this cover

'cause of your breeding problem.

You got it 'cause you're
a family-friendly comic.

So you think people
only like me 'cause I'm clean?

I just think the mainstream,

you know, likes that bland
and boring stuff.

- Wow.
- Come on, man.

I'm not saying
you're not a little funny.

I'm just saying that,
you know, comics like me

have more of a kind
of niche audience.

- Yeah, a smarter, hipper crowd.
- I didn't say that.

You know what?
I think you're jealous.

- Oh, I'm jealous?
- Yeah.

- Am I jealous of that picture?
- Uh-huh.

Did they not offer retouching?

You look like Casper
the Pudgy Ghost.

Yeah, I'm a little light today.

I was wondering if you
could pick this...

Sure you don't want someone
from Radiohead to buy you lunch?

No, you're good.

(woman)
Before we adjourn
to the art room

where all of your children have
been decorating the new walls

with spectacular collages
made of colored macaroni...

- Gluten-free.
- Of course.

(woman)
I have a special
announcement to make.

You know,
every once in a long while,

a special parent really
stands out in our community,

and Mrs. Jeannie Gaffigan

has done so much
for our little school.

But most exciting of all,

she has provided us
with her husband,

Jim "Superdad" Gaffigan.

Yes.

And the most exciting part
is Jim mentioned the name

of our school in the article.

He is so darn modest.

I mean, at pick up or drop off,

you barely even know
that he's there,

so everybody, let's, please,
give him a round of applause.

(woman)
What a good guy.

And on to the art room.

Jeannie--

Thanks.
Thanks so much.

Thank you.

Hi. I hope your wife
knows what she has.

Well, you know,
she's right here.

Jeannie, do you--

Do you know
what you have here?

I do.

I'll see you in the art room.

Yeah. Okay.

She's nice.

Hey, Superdad.

Oh, hey.
Heh.

That's...

- I'm on to you.
- But...

You don't fool me
for a second.

But I--I'm not trying
to fool anyone.

The crowd was uptight.

Well, you know,
I thought it went well.

I mean, I like your stuff.
It's very edgy.

I knew it was gonna upset
some people, so whatever, man.

Well, that's what
comedy's about, you know--

upsetting people.

Wait a minute.
Are you still mad about today?

No, no, no.
I thought it was really artistic

how you were miming
having sex with the stool.

It was creative.
I learn when I watch you.

Maybe I'm just courageous
enough to say and do

things on stage
that you would never.

Oh, you know what?
I think anyone can say anything.

I just don't think
you should get extra

credit for shocking people.

Hey, look, what I do
onstage is important,

even if it upsets
some people, okay?

I mean, Lenny Bruce got
criticized for the same kind

of thing.

You're about as close
to Lenny Bruce

as I am to Lenny Kravitz.

Oh, man. Okay, I get it.

I get it. I am sorry.

I am sorry, Jim, for what I
said to you today at Katz's.

I'm sorry that I tried
to tell the truth.

Thanks. And I'm sorry
I said that you were jealous

- just 'cause you are.
- I'm jealous?

I mean, you've got
to be delusional, man.

- Oh, delusional.
- For me to be jealous,

you'd actually have
to possess something

about which I would be jealous.

I think you're jealous
of my whole life.

Of your whole life?
Which part?

The wife? The thinning hair?

The 109 kids?
I mean, it's a car wreck.

A car wreck?
My life's a car wreck?

You live with your mom

in a retirement community
in Jersey City.

I think you're jealous
of just about everyone's life.

Okay, no, that's good.
That's some edgy stuff.

That's rich, man. You know,
making fun of my mom, you know?

Why don't I call Jeff Ross,

see if I can get you
on the next roast, okay?

That'd be great.

I got a gig at the Cellar, man.
Stay safe.

- Okay.
- Oh, who am I kidding?

That's your entire existence.

[laughs]

That's so funny!

[beatboxing]

There he is--Superdad.

[both laughing]

Children, do you know
that your father's Superdad?

Now, what super powers
does he have?

Um, he sleeps a lot.

Oh.

Would you
please sign this?

I want to hang it up
in the rectory.

Oh, sure. Sure.

And can you write,
"From a father to a father."

Because, you know,
Jim is a father,

and a priest
is also called "a father."

No, I get the joke.

You know, Father Nicholas,

I'm glad that you think that Jim

is a role model for dads,

but if you remember, his church
attendance was so erratic,

you thought I was a widow.

Ah, a man who works hard

to father his children
needs some time to rest.

If that time happens to be
on a Sunday morning,

well, then so be it.

Yeah. The man makes
a good point, you know.

(Father Nicholas)
It is perfectly acceptable

for a spouse to receive
communion for a husband.

The two shall become as one.

Well, can't argue
with the bible.

Oh, let's get
a picture together.

I want to frame it
with the magazine cover.

Yeah. Yeah, come on over here,
Jeannie.

Actually, could it
just be us two?

You know--
the fathers.

Do you mind?

Perfect.

[beatboxing]

Oh, that's a good one.

- Wait, that's me on the left?
- Yes, yes.

- Hi, Daniel.
- Hi.

- Hi, Daniel.
- Hi. Hi.

Hi, children, hi.

I need to talk to you.
It's important.

Oh, okay.

- Let me put the baby down.
- Do you live here now?

It's so crowded,
I might not have noticed.

Oh, you seem upset.

What,
did Yves Saint Laurent die?

Yes, Jim, seven years ago,

and thank you
for reopening that wound.

No, I have horrible news.

You know I'm on the board

of the 92nd street Y, right?

That is horrible news.

No, we were at a meeting
last night,

and apparently they
would like you, Jim Gaffigan,

to give a talk on New York City
parenting on Tuesday.

I guess Uma Thurman got
some stupid movie or something.

Well, I'm sorry Uma got a job,

and I'm flattered
that they thought of me,

but I still don't know
why this is horrible news.

Because if the 92nd street Y

thinks that you
are a good parent

or in any way socially relevant,

it means that the city
is in cultural decline,

and I might as well
move to Omaha.

Well, let me know
when you're leaving.

Actually I'm afraid of
how Jeannie's gonna react to me

getting any more praise
for my parent article.

I don't know how to tell her.

- Hey. What is going on?
- Hey.

You know, Daniel has great news.

- What?
- You, Jeannie Gaffigan,

have been invited to do a parent
talk at the 92nd Street Y.

They want me?

Yes!

That is so flattering.
I mean, I do.

I have so many ideas about
creative parenting in the city.

But why were you upset?
I don't get it.

Because I was pretending
to make the surprise better.

- You little sneak!
- It was good.

How long have you known
about this?

Not as long
as you would think.

Oh, I should probably let them
know that you are available.

You're gonna be great.

This is so amazing.

I mean, I feel
like I finally have a voice.

You know what we should do?

Use this as an opportunity

to get your hair done
and go to the spa

and get you a brand-new
outfit at Barney's.

- Or Target.
- Or Bergdorf's.

I think Target's
pretty close to here.

[beatboxing]

My guest this evening
is Jeannie Gaffigan.

[applause]

Jeannie Gaffigan is married
to the comedian Jim Gaffigan.

[loud applause]

Now, I am only the mother
of two children,

but when I read that
Time Out New York article,

there was only one thing
that I kept thinking.

Why isn't my husband,
George, more like Jim Gaffigan?

He's so funny,

such a hands-on dad,

and so helpful.

Yeah.
I mean, when you say helpful...

I want to hear
more from you, Jenny.

I do want to show a clip where--

from one of Jim's comedy
specials--where he talks

about how people react
when he's out with his kids.

- Can we roll it?
- Oh.

(Jim)
The best is when I'm
alone with my five kids

and inevitably struggling,

and some stranger will
come up to me and go,

"Looks like you got
your hands full."

That's like going up
to someone in a wheelchair,

"Looks like you don't
do a lot of dancing."

So hilarious.

[applause]

Oh, my gosh.

So when Jim has his hands full,

what are you doing?

What?

No, normally I'm the one

who has her hands full.

And, you know, sometimes I feel

like it's actually harder

when the--do you find this?

It's harder when the two of us

are together.

Like, one time Jim

went to go get a hotdog,

and I thought he had

our two-year-old with him,

and when he came back,

he thought I had him.

So you weren't watching
your child?

No. No, I mean, yes.

No. No, we found him right away.

It was just scary for a minute.

No. I'm sure.

God, poor Jim, you know?

But that's the genius
of Jim Gaffigan, you know?

He can take something
like you almost losing the baby

and use it as inspiration,
you know?

It helps his other observations.

In fact,
we have a great clip for this.

- Jeff, can you run tape?
- Another clip?

(Jim)
'Cause once you lose a kid
at the mall, you know,

atheist or not, you start
talking to God right away.

"Hey, God, I know I haven't
talked to you in a while,

"probably since finals
in high school.

"Anyway, if you could
help me find my son,

"I promise I'll change my life.

"I'll stop going to Wendy's.
Oh, there he is.

"Never mind, God.

Well, we're off to Wendy's."

Do do do do do do

[applause]

That was genius, right?

Taking a near tragedy
and turning it into comedy.

Okay, so I want to ask you

something based
on the Superdad article,

and I think I can ask this
for everybody in the audience.

How did you snag Jim Gaffigan?

You know, I think
that we should be careful

about believing
everything we read, you know?

I mean, Jim is--he's
just like any other father.

They help out once or twice,

and people think they deserve
the Nobel Peace Prize, right?

So he doesn't help out
that much?

To be perfectly honest,
no, Ally, not that much.

He...

Well, I'm sure he helps out
more than you're insinuating.

I mean, look at you.

No mother of five
looks like this.

Impeccably dressed,
perfectly manicured nails,

your hair done.

I mean, you have to get a lot

of assistance from a spouse

to have that going on.

I was being ironic.

- Oh, thank God.
- No, yeah.

No, Jim helps out quite a bit.

Just recently he took the
garbage out in his underwear.

(Ally)
Oh, God, I would love
to see George do that.

- Right?
- Yeah.

And he takes the kids
out on outings all the time

to restaurants.

He helps out with naps.

Oh, my God.

Please don't tell my husband,

but I love Jim Gaffigan. I do.

I love him.

[beatboxing]

(man)
Winds up for the pitch,

just slightly
outside of the plate,

and the batter had a good eye
on that one.

- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.

- What's going on?
- Oh, nothing.

I see that Louis C.K.'s got
some kind of stock show on CNBC.

You know that's Jim Cramer,
right?

Oh, yeah. No, I knew that.

Hey, look, um,

I'm kind of feeling a little
weird about the other day.

Which part?
When you said my act was bland,

or when you called my life
a car wreck?

Hey, listen, man,
I'm not jealous of you, okay?

And I don't want your life,
but--

Hey, Ma! More salsa!

Well,
thanks for clarifying that.

Okay, fine. Fine. I might be
a little bit jealous, okay,

but of the magazine cover.

I'm not jealous of your life

or your eating disorder.

I most certainly
am not jealous of your act.

Is this your apology?

Hey, man,
you were rude to me first,

and I'm always the one
sticking up for you

when people call you
a fat, bald loser.

Can you stop apologizing?

It's hurting my feelings.

Okay, look,
I'm sorry, all right?

I can't help it, man.

It's--you know, it's what I do.

(Jim)
You know what? You're right.

We do the comedy we do.

It's just who we are.

Let's leave it at that.

That's kind
of a great point, you know?

You're smarter than you look.

Well, you'd have to be.

I'm feeling better. We cool?

Totally.

All right, look, I got to go.

The commercial break is over.

All right, take care, buddy.

(both)
Hack.

[beatboxing]

(Jim)
Jeannie, is that you?

Yeah, I'm home.

- Aw, Jim, that's so sweet.
- What is?

The flowers.

Yeah.

It was really nice of Ally
to send them

even though I couldn't make it.

- How'd it go?
- Fantastic.

That's great, hon.

Hey, can you
get me another beer?

Did Blanca leave?

I think so.

I've been watching the game
all night.

It's been going extra innings.

You said you ordered Bugles,

but I couldn't find any.

Would have been great
for the game. No guilt trip.

Don't worry about it.

[Psycho music playing]

Ahh!

Did you find the Bugles?

What was that noise?

What noise?

Oh, the magazine.

Oh, honey,

well the kids must've
gotten to it, little devils.

- Ah, that's okay. No biggie.
- You don't care?

No. They sent over a couple
other dozen copies.

Here, I was thinking
that we could just send a bunch

to Milwaukee,
like, for Malu and your mom.

I know. It's the magazine cover.

I--I know that I've been
getting too much credit

when you deserve it.

That's why I was so excited

you could speak
at the 92nd street Y.

I didn't speak
at the 92nd street Y, honey.

People don't want to know
what I think. You know why?

I'm not on the cover
of a magazine.

You deserve to be
on the cover of a magazine.

I don't want to be
on the cover of a magazine.

A magazine cover isn't real.

Being a mom--

that's real.

I don't want to be the one
in the spotlight.

That audience, Jim, tonight,
they turned on me.

- Oh, no.
- It was awful.

I feel like I'm finally

understanding how hard
it must be to be you,

to get up on that
stage every night

in front of a crowd of people
knowing that you could fail.

- Mm-hmm.
- No wonder you eat so much.

I don't eat that much.

I don't need the approval
of a room full of strangers.

It is pretty weird, isn't it?

It is.

The need for it
almost seems to stem

from a deep
psychological problem,

maybe some sort
of childhood trauma?

Okay, now you're
just piling on.

Being the center of attention

just opens you up for so much
criticism and jealousy.

Yeah. Dave really did
give me a hard time.

I like being
in the background.

It really is
a powerful position.

Well, I, for one,
am terrified of you.

Good.

I'm sorry I put you
through all this.

- What?
- I know I'm a fraud.

I'm no Superdad.

Jim, you have five kids.

That automatically
makes you Superdad.

- You think so?
- Yes.

Oh.

[baby crying]

- Oye.
- No, no.

What?

Let Superdad handle this.

Oh, my hero.

Duty calls, Lois.

[R.E.M.'s "Superman" playing]

(boy)
Mama!

(Jim)
They only want you.

I am Superman

And I know what's happening

I am Superman

And I can do anything

Jeannie!

[sirens blaring]

And I can do anything

[man scatting]

[man singing indistinctly]

[mellow jazzy music]