All language subtitles for The.Jim.Gaffigan.Show.S01E07_English

[man beatboxing]

[man humming and beatboxing]

(Jim)
That's great. Thanks a lot.

- Okay.
- Come on, guys.

Oh, no, Mr. J.

[speaking Spanish].

Oh, thanks, Blanca.

I'd love some eggs.

No, no.
[speaking Spanish].

Have fun.
Love ya.

You want eggs?

Nah, I just
like messing with Blanca.

So, I got the call.

They want me on The Tonight Show
tomorrow night, finally.

Ooh! I'm definitely
coming with you.

I love Jimmy Fallon.

He is the funniest guy
in the entire world.

That's not your husband.

Yes, of course.

Ooh, I'm gonna be so nervous.

Do you think I can get
a picture with him?

All right, settle down.

I got to figure out
what material I'm gonna do.

Maybe I won't do any food jokes,

'cause I don't want to be
known as the food comic.

I don't think you have
to worry about that.

Oh, everyone's gonna
be so happy for you.

Yeah.

- Tonight Show, huh?
- Yep.

Who's hosting that now?

You know who's hosting it.

- Jimmy Fallon.
- Oh, yeah.

With the mean tweets.

That's Jimmy Kimmel.

Oh, yeah. I love Kimmel.

That Tonight Show's
struggling a little bit, no?

It's number one.

It's huge in every demographic

except among my bitter friends.

I'm not bitter.

I'm just angry that good things

are always happening to you.

So, I suppose
when they called you,

you didn't bother
to mention my name, huh?

- No, I didn't.
- Yeah.

I got to figure out
what material I'm gonna do.

Maybe I will do no food jokes.

Isn't that, like,
your entire shtick?

You just pick a food
and you start, you know,

blathering about it?
Like, pickles or whatever?

It's not that easy.

When you think about it,
a pickle

is just a drunk
cucumber, though.

See? There you go.

You know they're
never gonna have me

on The Tonight Show,
right?

Why do you think that is?

I mean, other than
their good judgment?

Because the booker
hates me, man.

- You know that.
- Miles?

Yes, Miles.

You're not still worried about
that incident at Governor's?

- That was, like, ten years ago.
- Yes, man.

I, you know--
I just--man, I just--

I didn't know it was
his girlfriend, you know?

- You didn't know?
- No, I didn't know.

They arrived together,
they sat together.

He was introducing her
as his girlfriend.

So, why was she
making out with me?

Do you think it had
something to do

with the six tequila
shots you bought her?

So--so, it's, like, a sin
to be generous all of a sudden?

Look, that was
a long time ago.

I mean, I'm sure
that's not the reason

why you haven't been
booked on the show.

Are you saying
he's anti-Semitic?

Isn't Miles Jewish?

Yeah, the self-hating Jews,
man. They're the worst.

- He's not anti-Semitic.
- Mm-hmm.

No, you're probably right.

Maybe I'll go with you
to the taping just to,

you know, reconnect with Miles
and all of that. What?

What is with--what do you do?
Are you like a teenager?

You keep checking
your phone, man.

Look, I got to get a spot.

I got to run my set tonight.

I'm reaching out to clubs.

Are you going on anywhere?

Yeah, I got a thing
at Gotham tonight, man.

It's a very tight show, though.

It's been booked for months.
I doubt I could get you in.

Ah! I got a spot at Gotham.

They just cut my set
in half at Gotham.

[beatboxing]

[laughing]

(Father Nicholas)
Jim? Jim!

Oh, hey.

I didn't see you there.

The renovations in the church
are coming along beautifully.

Oh, that's great.
That's great.

Well, I'd--I'd love to talk,
but I'm kind of in a rush.

Oh, not a problem.
I'll walk along with you.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Hello. Hello.

Good evening.

Hey, how are you?

- Good evening.
- Um, you know,

I know you haven't lived
in New York City that long,

but you don't need
to be nice to strangers.

In fact, New Yorkers
really don't like it.

[laughs]

You're a very funny man,
Jim Gaffigan.

Oh, by the way,

I am starting a soccer team
for the men of the parish,

and I would love for you
to be a part of it.

Oh, uh, thanks.

But, you know, I'm more
of a indoorsy type.

Oh, perfect.

It's indoor soccer.

Right here in
the youth center, Jim.

You know,
I-I don't want to be rude,

but I'm never gonna do that.

[laughs]

It's no wonder
you're a comedian.

I love comedy.

Well, it's nice
chatting with you,

but I got to head up to dinner.

So, take care.

Good news.

Jeannie invited me for dinner.

We can chat for hours.

- Hey.
- Hey. Father Nicholas, welcome.

(Father Nicholas)
Thank you, Jeannie.

I am most grateful
for the invitation.

Where are your lovely children?

Oh, kids,
Father Nicholas is here.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- How are you?
- Father Nicholas!

- We built a fort.
- You did?

Come see. Come see. Come see.

Hola, Father Nicholas.

Por favor, can you bless
these lottery tickets for me?

Oh, well, if that worked,
would I still be a priest?

You see, Jim?

I'm funny too.

[laughs]

Why didn't you tell me
he was coming over?

I told you this morning.

That--that--that--
that doesn't count.

I don't hear anything
before noon.

- You know that.
- He's doing a blessing.

What? Again?

How many times are you gonna
get this place blessed?

We're bordering
on Santeria here, Jeannie.

My aunt Marita sent me
a St. Joseph statue.

It needs to be blessed.

Why? I-i-is it evil?

Will it come to life at night

and attack us
with this saw thing?

Is it just me, or does that look

like it's made
of white chocolate?

Okay, stop it.

We've wanted to have Father
Nicholas over for a long time.

No we, Jeannie.

You. You.

And why did it have
to be tonight?

I have an 8:00 show at Gotham
to run my Fallon set,

and I don't want to be late
because of your exorcism.

You're not gonna be late.
Will you relax?

How can you relax when there's
a priest in your apartment?

Father Nicholas
is the least intimidating person

on the planet.
What are you worried about?

Well, you know, what if
I curse in front of him?

Well, you curse in front
of our kids all the time.

Yeah, but they can't send me
to hell, you know?

[beatboxing]

(Father Nicholas)
So that we may merit
the joys of everlasting life.

- [speaking Spanish]. Amen.
- Amen.

Of course,
since it is St. Joseph,

I would assume that Jim
would like to say something.

That me?

Because St. Joseph is
the patron saint of fathers.

Oh, right.

Um...

Joseph, uh, thanks for,
uh, stepping in

as Jesus', uh,

stepdad.

You were a trooper

when Mary broke that news.

Okay. It's getting late, huh?

Oh, yeah. Oh, oh my God.

G-gosh. I-I got to go.

I, uh--what's the patron saint
for getting a cab at this hour?

- St. Christopher.
- Right.

(Blanca)
Okay, bedtime, niños.

Adios, Padre.

Sorry, Father Nicholas. Jim's
gonna run out and do a show.

Oh, you're going
to do a stand-up show now?

- Yep.
- How exciting.

- Yeah.
- May I come with you?

Uh, well, unfortunate--

(Jeannie)
Of course you can.

- That's great.
- Sure, why not?

Oh, that's wonderful.

Let me just go wash my hands
before we go.

My first comedy club.

[laughing]

I'm gonna drown you.
Would you stop, all right?

What? Stop what? What?

Stop trying to set me up
with Father Nicholas.

I'm not interested in a bromance
with a member of the clergy.

He's gonna have
a great time at the club.

Why would I want to take
a priest to a comedy club?

Priests like to laugh.

Same as everybody else.

If I bring a priest
into a comedy club,

I'll look like
a religious freak.

Okay, so this
is less about him

and more about
your own discomfort.

No. It's--it's about him.

- He's weird.
- How is he weird?

Who washes their
hands after dinner?

- That's weird.
- Okay.

So, this is really about you?

Yeah, of course it's about me.

I don't want to be
seen with a priest.

I'll lose my street cred.

- Your street cred?
- Yeah. I have street cred.

I mean, all right,
that's not the point.

What am I gonna talk
to him about?

Jim, he's a normal
human being.

Talk to him
about the soccer club

he's starting at the church.

We already went through that.

He actually asked me to join it.

Like I'm gonna come home and go,

"Honey, I've decided to join
the church soccer club."

Oh, that's wonderful news, Jim.

Welcome to the team.

Yeah. I'm--

- Well, we should go.
- Okay.

Bye. Have fun.

Ah, good evening.
Good evening.

(Judah) Hey, Jim.
You going up at Gotham tonight?

- Yeah.
- Oh, Jim, you are so famous.

- Everyone knows you.
- Yeah.

Can I get your autograph,
Mr. Gaffigan?

I am Jim Gaffigan's priest.

Does that make me famous, too?

- You're his priest?
- Okay.

- Uh, good to see you, Judah.
- His personal priest?

Yeah.

Can you not talk to strangers?

- You think?
- You seem nervous, Jim.

Is this normal before a show?

No. I'm sorry.

I'm just thinking about my set.

I'm doing
The Tonight Show tomorrow

and I want to make sure
I do the right material.

The Tonight Show
with Jimmy Fallon?

- Yeah, that's the one.
- I love that show.

I mean, The Roots
are my favorite band.

Look, you--you may be
exposed to some harsh language

and sexual content.

I think I can handle it, Jim.

When I was eight years old,

I saw soldiers
burn down my village.

Yeah, but was there cursing?

You go and prepare.

You won't even notice me.

Okay.

Brutal.

- Brutal, man.
- Bad crowd?

The crowd was fine,
then a priest walks in.

- Can I get a shot?
- Oh, that's weird.

Yeah, a priest
with the white collar sits down

in the front row and starts
doing some really weird laugh.

What the hell is a priest
doing in a comedy club?

Seeing stand-up comedy?

I mean, I was taping
this for Miles, right?

For The Tonight Show.
I can't use any of it now.

- I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
- No, no, no, it was worse.

I was doing my killer
vagina steaming bit, right?

Okay, and everyone's so
freaked out by the guy

in the white collar
that nobody cracks a smile.

Wait, has there been a priest
in the audience every time

you've ever done stand-up?

Oh, ha ha ha!
I'm telling you, man.

Priests are audience poison.

Every real comic knows this.

The only thing that makes me
feel a little bit better

is to know you have
to run your food jokes

in front of an
audience-killing priest, so.

I don't just talk
about food, all right?

- I have camp--
- Jim, Jim. I just lit her.

You're on in two.

Just so you know, there's
a priest in the audience.

Okay.

Oh, you got to do
your bacon stuff.

I don't just talk about food.

You might as well
be doing your bacon stuff

in front of ISIS.

Have a good show.

[beatboxing]

How was your set?

Oh, it wasn't that good.

That is awesome.

I'm so excited
to meet Jimmy Fallon.

Wow, you really don't care
how my set went, huh?

What food did you talk about?

I talk about more
than just food, Jeannie.

I did my box of donuts story.

- Mm-hmm.
- People barely laughed.

And you don't care.

Jim, I just spent the last two
hours begging five children

to go to sleep.

I'm sure you did fine.

You had an off night.

An off night?
It was the priest, man.

Audience poison.

All right,
enough with the audience poison.

I don't want
you planting your neurosis on me

before my Tonight Show set.

Hey, look at that.
It's Bill Burr.

- Is that him?
- Yeah.

- We should say hey.
- Yeah.

Unless you slept
with his girlfriend, too.

No, man.
I opened for him in Boston.

He's a good guy.
We're kind of buds.

Now, he knows comedy

and he knows that a priest
is audience poison.

You need to be medicated.

Audience poison.

You can't have a good set
in front of priests,

kids, and family members.

- You just described my life.
- All poison.

- Every real comic knows this.
- Real comic.

Remember when you bombed at
the Michael J. Fox fundraiser?

- I wouldn't say I bombed.
- Yeah, I would.

There was a ten-year-old kid
in the front row, right?

- There was a kid.
- Yeah.

Poison, okay?

That kid's probably growing up
to be a priest.

Hey, Bill. Hey.

Oh, hey buddy.

Dave.

- Dave...
- Dave Marks.

I opened for you
at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston.

That's right. That's right.

Yeah, yeah. You had a rough set
that night, man.

Had to try to get 'em back.

It's all right, though, eh?

Okay. That's Jim.

I know Jim Gaffigan.

What's up, buddy?

- How you doing?
- Yeah, man.

How's the food jokes
treating you?

I talk about other things
besides food, you know, right?

Okay. So, Bill, check it out.

Jim and I are discussing
audience poison, right?

Those are toxic elements that
make doing stand-up impossible.

Oh, no, no. Just do your act.

But say there's a bunch
of kids in the audience, right?

So what? That's their fault

for bringing the kids.
You just do your act.

This is what I was trying
to tell Jim, right?

There's no such thing
as audience poison.

You just do your act.

Oh, unless there's a priest.

Priests are the worst.

They ruin every crowd.

- Hey, I'm gonna go eat.
- All right.

Hey, Dan, stick with it,
buddy.

- I'm Dave. D-Dave.
- Yeah.

[beatboxing]

- I like this one.
- That one has French doors,

so you can put
the kids' bedroom behind it.

You can see them,
but they can't get out.

- Like a zoo.
- Okay, guys, come on.

Into the bedroom.
Let's go. Who can go fastest?

James, go, go, go. It's a race.

Who's gonna win?
Who's gonna win?

Hey, I thought you were
gonna wear the other shirt.

No, I like this one.

I don't think
the problem is the shirt.

I think it's the way it fits

over the giant ball
of pudding underneath.

Who are you,
the fashion police?

You're lucky they don't
have real police powers.

You could be serving
a very long sentence.

Keep me out of your
prison fantasies.

- I like this shirt.
- I do too.

I apologize.
What size is that?

- Muumuu?
- Okay.

Be nice.

Jim's got his first
Tonight Show appearance

in a couple of hours
and he's nervous.

I'm not nervous.

What are you doing
stand-up about, Jim? Pasta?

Croissants? Or, no,
croissant's a little highbrow.

You know, I have jokes that
aren't about food, all right?

Napping, whales--

- Cowboys.
- Cowboys.

Do you have a joke on cowboys?

- Y-yes.
- Let's hear it.

I'm working on it.

Well, I don't have
to audition for you.

Hey, Jim, you know what?

The Tonight Show has
been around for 60 years.

You being on it
isn't gonna kill it.

What the hell is that
supposed to mean?

[doorbell buzzing]

I wonder who that could be.

Okay, I don't want
you to get mad, but--

Father Nicholas is going
with you to the show.

- What?
- Daniel.

Jeannie, I'm sorry.
I just couldn't risk

missing the look
on his face when he found out.

No, no, no, no, no.

You know that I didn't want to
bring a priest to a comedy club,

so you invited one to go
to The Tonight Show with me?

Father Nicholas
loves The Roots.

You're bonkers!
I'm not bringing a priest

to The Tonight Show.

Okay, well,
put him in the audience.

He'll make friends.
He's super-outgoing.

No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no.

He can't sit in the audience.

He's audience poison.

He's what?

All right, fine, he's--

you and he are coming backstage.

You're with him constantly.

I forgot to tell you,
Blanca's sick.

I have to stay here. We have
no one to watch the kids.

Isn't there somebody who can--

No, I can't. I cannot.

I have to do nothing.

I just can't watch your kids.

You're the worst
type of person.

- Hi.
- Hello. Daniel.

Father Nicholas.

Jim and I were just talking
about you.

He's so excited you're going
with him to The Tonight Show.

It's going to be so much fun.

Jim, shall we say a prayer
for your performance?

Nah.

Ah, right.

Let's do it there.

All right, l-let's go.

- Have fun.
- You're gonna kill.

- Thanks.
- I wasn't talking to you.

[beatboxing]

Say hi to Jimmy for me.

[fake laugh]

[beatboxing]

(Father Nicholas)
Oh, Jim.

The Roots won a Grammy.

Okay.

- Hello.
- Hi.

This is the very famous
comedian Jim Gaffigan.

Uh, okay.

It's just down the hall
on the right, Mr. Gaffigan.

- Thank you.
- And I'm his priest.

- Oh, great.
- Okay, all right. Great.

- Okay.
- You have a good evening.

You as well.

Jim, I am so honored
that you considered me

a good enough friend
to bring backstage.

I mean, your generosity

has made my heart
overflow with so much joy.

I had only hoped
to be in the audience,

but this.

This is incredible.

You are a good man,
Jim Gaffigan.

Well, thanks.

(Dave)
What took you so long, man?

(Father Nicholas)
Oh.

You again.

Hello.

You were so
funny last night.

What the hell
are you doing here?

Oh, I am Jim's priest.

You brought the [bleep] priest
to the comedy club last night?

You can't talk that way
in front of a priest.

I'm Jewish.
What's it gonna do?

It's like being punished
by somebody else's parents.

[laughs]

You comedians are
so funny all the time.

It is very enjoyable.

- Oh, Jim.
- Hey.

- Hey, man. How you doing?
- How's it going?

I heard you were
on the show tonight, man.

Can't wait to hear all that new
food material you do.

Well, I-I don't
just do food jokes.

Oh. Okay. Hey, do me a favor.

Do you mind signing these for
me? It's for my charity program.

- Sure.
- Thanks. Thanks, man.

- Hey, Dave Marks.
- Who?

No, no. Me. I'm Dave Marks.

I met you at the thing, man.

Oh.

Questlove.

I saw you perform
in South Africa.

- Wow.
- I am Jim Gaffigan's priest,

Father Nicholas.

Wow. That's--
Nice to meet you.

You brought your priest
with you?

You really must be nervous, huh?

Not--I'm not nervous,

and I have plenty
of non-food material.

I am a huge fan.

I love the Breakbeats drum kit.

- Really?
- Yes.

Hey, we have a brand-new one.

You want to check it out?

- I would love that.
- Oh, man. That's cool.

All right, I'll see you later,
man. Come on.

Oh!

I can't believe it was you

who ruined my set
at Gotham last night.

It wasn't my fault.

Jeannie made me.

"Jeannie made me."
What are you, five?

I mean, God.

He's gonna ruin
your Tonight Show set.

Try not to look so happy
about it.

Why do you think he's back here?

If he's not in the audience,
he can't be audience poison.

- Pretty smart, huh?
- Whatever.

I'm just here to see
who I have to sleep with

to get on this stupid show.

Probably not Miles' wife.

(Jimmy)
Hey, Jim.

Thank you so much
for coming on the show.

Oh, sure.
Thank you for having me.

Very excited. I hope you're
gonna do some food material.

- Well, that's all I do.
- Hey, Jimmy.

(Dave)
How you doing, man? Dave Marks.

I met you at the thing.

What thing?

The thing you were doing.
The singing. You remember?

There--there was no thing.

Yeah. Hey, did the priest
come with you?

- Um--
- Yeah, he did.

- Can you believe that?
- He is amazing.

- I love that guy.
- It's beautiful, right?

- He's also my priest.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Hey, break a leg.

- Thanks.
- Thanks again.

Thanks for having me.

That was pretty cool.

(Jimmy)
We got a great show tonight.

Julianne Moore is here.
We love her.

Also, for the first time,
comedian Jim Gaffigan is here.

Is this really all
the hummus they give you?

(Jimmy)
He's a food comic. He has
jokes about bacon and donuts.

- Hey, Jim. You ready?
- Yeah.

You're on after Julianne Moore.

I know. Wow. Cool.

(Dave)
Hey, Miles.

Good to see you, man.

- Hey.
- Long time.

Dave, right?

Haven't seen you since, uh,

Governor's which was a--
it was a crazy night.

Yeah. It was crazy, man. That
was--that was a big mistake.

I mean, look, she was--
she was all over me.

You know, I was like,
"What the hell?"

And, I mean, never
in a million years

would I have gone
home with her if--

if I knew she was
there with you.

But, hey,
ancient history, right?

I hear you're married.
Mazel tov.

That was you?

All these years,
I-I thought that was Todd Barry.

Did I say it was me?
What--no, it was--it was Todd.

It was--it was--it was--

Have a great show, Jim.

Thanks.

That man is clearly
an anti-Semite.

The Tonight Show's
stupid, anyway.

Think it'd be cool if I
asked for some more hummus?

Probably not.

Not that I care, but where do
you think Bishop Tutu is?

(Jimmy)
Please welcome the best band
on the planet, The Roots--

- Oh, no.
- Hey, Quest.

Who do you have sitting
in with you guys tonight?

Oh, it's our new friend,
Father Nicholas from Zimbabwe.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat funky music]

What? Are you kidding me?

(Jimmy)
Ooh, nice shot, Father.

I can't believe my priest
is playing ping pong

with Jimmy Fallon and Julianne
Moore on The Tonight Show.

(Jimmy) Julianne,
you're kicking my butt.

(Miles)
Hey, Jim.

So, the audience cannot get
enough of the priest.

They love it. So, Jimmy
wants to hold him out there

for one more segment,

which then means we have to bump
you this time around, so, sorry.

- Okay.
- I told you we got surprises.

Still here?

Hey, can I get
some more hummus?

(Jimmy) What rock has he
been hiding under?

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Well, thank you so much
for being here.

You're loving this,
aren't you?

- Never been happier.
- Well, we're all out of time.

I want to thank
all of our amazing guests,

Julianne Moore, Macaulay Culkin,

Father Nicholas Ngugumbane.

Sorry, Jim Gaffigan.

We promise to have you back.

I am Jim Gaffigan's priest.

- [laughs]
- Yeah.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Good night, everybody.

- All right. Thank you so much.
- Thank you.

- I love this guy.
- Who's Jim Gaffigan?