All language subtitles for The.Jim.Gaffigan.Show.S01E06_English

[children laughing]

Jim!

It's time to wake up.

What are you doing?
Wake up.

Come on, wake up.

[man beatboxing]

[man humming and beatboxing]

Are you awake?

- Yeah.
- Jim, are you awake?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You said you
had to meet Dave.

This is the last time
I'm trying.

No, no.
I was just meditating.

Okay, listen.
I'm warning you.

I don't want you
to do anything today.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Mission accomplished.

Wait.

You do know
what day today is?

Yeah, yeah.

It's--we're looking at
an apartment with Daniel.

Yes, it's that,

but it's also my...

B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y.

Birthday.

No, I know about that,
but also the apartment,

but of course
I know it's your birthday.

My birthday today?

No, it's not your birthday.
No, come on.

It's soon, though.
Come on.

Let's go play with
your Legos,

and it's no one's
birthday!

You see that?

Birthday celebrations
are for kids,

so stop bringing it up.

Oh, I won't.
I didn't.

You brought--God, you're so
weird about your birthday.

I'm not weird.

I just don't want
anyone to know.

You brought up
your birthday

so I wouldn't bring up
your birthday.

That's weird.

It's just everything

feels like such a disappointment
on my birthday.

Like, I can't believe I'm doing
laundry on my birthday.

So don't do laundry.

We have five kids, Jim.

I have to do laundry
every day.

If I skip one day,
everything falls apart.

I'll never recover.

I could do the laundry.

You do not mean that.

No, of course not,
but it was nice of me to offer.

Just seriously
listen to me.

Don't do anything
this year.

No stupid
last-minute gifts.

All right.
Wait, hey.

I got you a good gift
last year.

You got me a gift certificate
to a restaurant.

What's wrong with Eataly?

That's one
of my favorite places.

Yeah, exactly,
and, honey, I know you try,

but don't do one
of your horrible poems.

Horrible?

I thought you loved that haiku.

Comparing me
to fried cheese curds.

You know,
that's an honor in Green Bay.

But you know what,
you're right.

You're much more
like cheese fries.

I'll do better.
I can do much better.

No, please,
don't do better.

Don't do anything.

Don't do anything.

Do nothing.

I don't want anything,

and whatever you do,

don't tell the kids
it's my birthday.

Happy birthday,
Miss Jeannie!

[children cheer]

Cumpleaños feliz
te deseamos a ti.

Wow, wow, wow, Jim.

Oh, look at this.

It's a 90-year-old woman.

She has no teeth.

She says,
"You're like fine wine.

You're only getting better
with age."

I love it.

What is Mister getting
su amor for her present?

Otro poema estupido?

Well, it's a surprise.

Don't worry.

I'm gonna get her exactly
what she wants.

Ay, dios mio,
no mas niños, por favor.

Can we put a big sign
on the door

that says
"Happy Birthday, Mommy?"

No.

Who's older, Daddy,
you or Mommy?

Well, we never
ask a woman her age.

Right.

But your mom's only ten
years older than your dad.

(all)
Are you one? Are you two?
Are you three? Are you four?

Are you five? Are you six?
Are you seven? Are you eight?

I got to meet Dave.

I should be back around 35.

(all)
Are you 14? Are you 15?

Paw Patrol,
each character

is like a different
emergency vehicle.

- Oh, I don't like that street.
- What's wrong with this block?

Too many cracks.

There's nothing--
it's just--

Isn't it, like, amazing
that the two most special people

in your life
share a birthday?

I think that's remarkable.

Wait, Jeannie and Beyoncé
have the same birthday?

Does she still not
celebrate hers?

She won't even let me
say the word "birthday."

What is it with women
and their birthdays, man?

I mean it's like a age
denial thing or something.

I mean,
I love my birthday.

Jeannie and I
are so different.

I really makes you call
in the question

the whole zodiac thing,
you know?

That's what makes
you question astrology, huh?

- What'd you get her?
- Nothing.

She doesn't want anything.

- Oh, and you're buying that?
- Yeah.

Oh, come on, she may say
that's what she really wants,

but trust me, that is not
what the woman really wants.

Well, thanks for
clarifying that.

Oh, come on, everybody wants
something for their birthday.

I mean take me,
for instance.

I'm less complicated,
you know?

Like, I've had my eye
on this Leica camera

for a while, you know,
just saying.

You know, if I'm not
getting my wife a present,

I'm certainly not
getting you a present.

Ah, you're right.
Better left a surprise.

Here's the surprise, Dave.
No present.

Okay, forget the camera,

but John Varvatos
is having a 50% off sale.

There's a store right next
to your apartment.

Easy peasy.

The store could be
in my apartment.

I'm still not
getting you anything.

- Why not?
- 'Cause you're not a child.

Well, not an actual child.

You know I have
five kids, right?

Yeah, how could I forget?

- So?
- All right.

Well, there's a birthday in
my apartment every other week.

It's like Chuck E Cheese's
without the pizza, you know?

It's like there's
always presents.

It's constant presents.

You know,
how about this?

- Lunch will be your present.
- Oh, come on.

You always get me lunch.

Well, today,
it's a present.

You're welcome.

Okay. Okay.

So where and what time
should I be at the party?

What party?

Oh, man, you--
that's good acting, Jim.

Whoa, Dave.

I'm not throwing you
a surprise birthday party.

No, no, no,
of course.

'Cause if you told me,
it wouldn't be a surprise, so...

Why would you think
I'm gonna

throw you a surprise
birthday party?

Jim, you must think
I'm an idiot.

Well, "idiot"
seems harsh, but okay.

Let's just say
that your subtle hints

have not been so subtle.

- What subtle hints?
- It's obvious.

I'm not getting you
a present,

therefore your party
is the present.

That is ridiculous.

Don't, don't, don't.

Don't say--don't spoil it,
all right?

Please don't spoil
the surprise.

We know you have
a big mouth.

All right, just do me one favor
regarding the party.

Do not invite
Eddie Pepitone.

That guy is a downer.

Don't worry, Eddie
won't be at the party

'cause there is
no party.

The lady doth protest
too much, methinks.

Methinks this lady
is not buy-eth you lunch-eth.

It's not in here, is it?

'Cause it's, like,
too early in the day

for a party for me.

[man beatboxing]

Wow.

Oh, hey, Jim, can you
take off your shoes, please?

Sure, sorry.

And could you take off
those socks?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Is there any way
you could take your feet off?

You know, what's it like
to know you're gonna die alone?

- What a view.
- Right?

I mean you can see all of
every--hold on a second.

Do you guys
see that in that window?

The shape of the building
makes it look like there's,

like, devil eyes,
like, staring at us.

Like, it would be staring at,
like, our children,

like, in the morning
while they eat cereal.

We can't live here.

- Right.
- We got to go.

I'm just gonna use the bathroom
really quickly.

Yeah.
Right around the corner.

- I'll be right back.
- I'll go after you.

Yeah, that's not
gonna happen.

So, Jim, what are you getting
Jeannie for her birthday?

Why should I tell you?

You're not getting
her anything, are you?

She doesn't want anything.

Jim, do not be the cliché
of the fat ugly guy

who knows nothing.

That's not even a cliché.

Well, you're making it one.

Look, by some freakish
twist of probability,

you are married to
that woman.

You need to get her
something.

As much as I enjoy taking
relationship advice

from someone who could
fill Madison Square Garden

with ex-boyfriends,

I'll have you know Jeannie

specifically told me
not to get her anything.

Which means not only does
she want something,

she really wants something.

That's ridic--

[phone rings]

Hold on a second.

Hey, Dave.

Yeah.

Look, for the last time,

I'm not buying you a present,

and I'm not throwing
you a party.

- Okay, good-bye.
- Wow.

Not only a great husband,
you're also a wonderful friend.

Daniel, it's impossible
to get Jeannie a present

'cause nobody knows
what she wants or needs.

She doesn't have a watch.

She hasn't gotten a new bag
in three years.

She needs a new dress
for her cousin's wedding.

How would I know
her sizes?

Hips 32, waist 26, bust 34,
unless she's nursing.

Then it's 36.

Her wrist size
is 4 1/2 inches.

Why do you know
my wife's wrist size?

Why do you not?

Oh, there's, like, a Cartier
Tank watch that she wants.

I know a jeweler who will
sell it to you for,

like, a thousand.

$1,000?

No, Jim,
a thousand French Fries.

Come on, that's,
like, over 50% off.

How can you put a price tag
on a woman

who does everything for you
and asks for nothing in return?

She does ask
for something.

She asked for nothing.

Fine, I'll get her
the watch,

and then she'll stick it
in the drawer

with all the other stuff
that's too nice to wear.

Yeah, that drawer
doesn't exist, Jim.

Well, if we keep getting things
that she doesn't wear.

You know what I'm saying.

Are we getting
Korean barbecue?

I like it 'cause you
get to put the food together.

You know, you cook it--

I don't--
I don't want--

I don't want to
hear about it.

I don't want to hear you--

I don't want to hear you
talking about food ever again.

Jeannie.

(Jeannie)
I don't know
where you've been,

but I hope you didn't
ignore my only wish

and go out
and get me something.

Of course not.

Oh, thank you.

I appreciate
you listening to me.

That's why you're
such a good husband.

Oh, please come in.

Don't feel the need
to knock.

So did you give her
the watch yet?

I bought the watch,
but I've reconsidered.

- I'm not gonna give it to her.
- Did you even buy it, Jim?

Yeah, I bought the watch.

It's right here.

Jeannie,
I brought you something!

- Somebody's 29 again!
- Daniel.

I brought you some flowers
and a little something special.

- A Cartier?
- Can you believe it?

It's exactly
the watch I wanted.

Oh, no.

(all)
Piñata! Piñata!

Piñata time.

Come here.

Come here.

What?

- What the hell was that?
- What was what?

Why would you give her
the watch I bought?

Were you gonna
give it to her?

No. Yes.

I hadn't decided yet.

Oh, okay.
Let me reassure you.

I will reimburse you
for your wife's birthday gift.

You will have contributed
in no way to her happiness.

- That's not the point.
- Good-bye.

- You--
- Goodbye.

- That's wrong, you're--
- Ouevre.

[phone rings]

What is it, Dave?

(Dave)
Jim, man, look.
It's getting late, okay?

I'm gonna need to know
where and when for my party

'cause someone else
wants to throw me one.

I want to make sure
it doesn't conflict.

I'm sure it won't conflict
because...

[sniffs]

Ugh.

For the last time,
I'm not throwing you a party.

(Dave)
Oh, I'm sorry,

but with the constant hinting
on your part,

my confusion
is understandable,

unless this latest denial
is part of the surprise

to which I would say,

you're really overplaying
your hand, Jim.

Just go with the other person,
okay?

Who is it, anyway?

Who's what now?

The other person
throwing a party.

(Dave)
That would be me.
That would be me.

It's--I'm doing it downstairs,
Bowery Ballroom, 10:30 tonight.

Please, no gifts.
All right.

You talked me into it, but--
- I got to go.

Dora piñata is hanging from
the ceiling in the kids' room,

and they're beating
her savagely with sticks.

It's an image that will stay
in my head for a good long time.

- Did you get a whack at her?
- Oh, believe me.

This is the last day you'd want
to put a stick in my hands.

[voices overlapping]

How many times you
gonna kill Dora?

Come here, please.
No, no, no.

(Jim)
Why is it
I can't get you a present

or even mention
that it's your...

[whispers]
birthday,

but when Daniel does,
you're like,

"Oh, Daniel.
It's perfect.

You're so much better
than my insensitive husband."

Honey, I have to
play along with Daniel

because I don't want
to hurt his feelings.

You should be happy that I can
be so honest with you.

But, really, isn't this
an amazing watch?

He probably got
a discount on it.

Someone's jealous.

Who were you
on the phone with?

It was Dave.

He's throwing himself
a huge birthday party.

He wants me to come.

He is such a child.

What grown man
throws himself a birthday party?

- Are you going?
- Of course not.

I'm gonna be here
with you on your...

you know.

- You should go.
- No.

No.

It'd just be weird,
me being out on today.

No, I want you to go.

It's too depressing for us to
just sit home together tonight

and do nothing.

But I thought
you wanted to do nothing.

No, but if you're not here,

I don't even have to
think about

what day it is
that I'm doing nothing on.

Right.

(all)
Yay! Candy!

So the kids get to celebrate
your birthday with you?

I have convinced the kids
that it's Blanca's birthday.

You're lying
to your children.

You're the one
who told them last Halloween

that their candy was poisonous
so that you could eat it.

Some of it was.

I felt pretty sick
the next day.

Just go to Dave's party.

[all speaking at once]

No, no, no!
Stop.

- Put that down!
- Give me that.

Give me that.
You already took her head off.

(Jim)
Give me that candy!

The candy is poisoned.

All right, this one's
not poison.

This one's poison.

[voices overlapping]

Thanks.

Jim, don't you find it
baffling that Dave Marx

has this many friends?

All he does is complain.

He doesn't complain
that much.

Look at this.
Look at this.

Sophie gets me a cardigan
sweater like I'm an old man.

I mean I'm not even
a sweater guy.

I mean,
she should know that.

Well, you have known her
for a week, you know?

Hey, Jim, man.

Check out those chicks.

Whoa.
Young stuff.

- Who's working the door here?
- Oh, no, no.

The blonde one's mine.
That's Sophie, all right?

- She's 23, okay? Relax.
- Right.

That's what they always say
before Chris Hansen walks in.

Good luck.

23?
That's a little old for you.

I got to get her back
to Jersey by midnight

or her dad's
gonna kick my ass.

Well, it is
a school night, right?

You know what, man?

I should've just gone with
the party you were planning.

You know,
Seinfeld didn't even show up.

Well, he got the invitation,
what, two hours ago?

It's Seinfeld.

I mean, who the hell does
that guy think he is, you know?

I mean who died and made
him the god of comedy, you know?

We're all supposed to bend down
and kiss the guy's ring,

and he can't be bothered
to show up

to another comedian's
birthday?

I mean,
the guy is irrelevant.

He's been irrelevant
for years.

- Seinfeld's here.
- Oh, Jerry!

Jerry!

You see how young and nubile
Dave Mark's girlfriend is?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

It's inappropriate.

You both have daughters.
Daughters.

Why are you always
bringing up our daughters?

You want me to bring up
your sons?

Wait a minute.
What are you guys doing here?

- I thought you hated Dave Marx.
- Well, I do.

I hope he dies in a fire,

but I love free alcohol,

and that's an open bar.

Yeah, this champagne
is $100 a glass.

Time for a refill.

- What's up man?
- How are you doing?

Oh, amazing, right?

Great party, huh?

I'd rather take an acting class
with Jeremy Piven.

I'm gonna hightail it
over to this place

on the Lower East Side.

You want to come?

Ah, I should stick it
out here.

Not a fan of sex, huh?

Eddie,
thanks for making it.

- How are you doing?
- Not good.

One of my cats just died.

Second one this month,

and I've got a new mole
growing on my back.

You want to take a look
at this?

- I'm good.
- I'll look at it.

- Damien'll look.
- Oh, freaky.

Jim, can you get
my husband

to stop talking to the children
Dave Marx is dating?

Bonnie, you're the one
who married him.

- Let me see.
- Look.

I'm from Jersey.

You're from Jersey.

Let me give you
a lift home.

Isn't that your wife
right there?

No, that's okay.
She can sit in the back.

Are you Jim Gaffigan?

It would be sad if I looked
like this, and I wasn't.

Can I have your autograph?

Sure.
Sophie, right?

It's for my dad.

Oh, okay.

How did you
and Dave meet again?

It's a really funny story.

Tinder.

Is that the funny part
or the story part?

Is Anziz Asari here?

I don't think so.

Oh, that's too bad.

- This place is pretty cool.
- Yeah.

You should've seen the place
he had his 40th.

I thought this was
his 30th birthday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I was talking
about his dad's 40th.

The ambassador?

Yeah, the ambassador.

Well, nice to meet you guys.

- I got to go, buddy.
- Of course you're leaving.

This party sucks.

And you know
what that means.

The whole rest
of the year's gonna stink.

Oh, look at
the bright side.

At least you're not
superstitious.

Well, anyway, man,
thank you for this.

I appreciate it.
I really do.

Just, you know,
make sure to give the manager

your credit card
on the way out.

Wait, you expect me
to pay for your party?

Well, I mean, technically,
we're splitting it, right?

I mean, I did
most of the work.

You didn't expect me to pay
for my own party.

That'd be kind of pathetic,
huh?

Well, happy 30th, Dave.

Say hey to
the ambassador for me.

Oh, hey.

Do I know you?

You're that--
that kid actor, right?

Me?

Yeah, the kid
from Christmas Story.

No. No.
I thought you were--

How come we don't
see you at group anymore?

- No, I--what?
- We miss you, man.

- No, I'm--
- You look terrible.

You look really puffy.

No, that's not me.

Wait, what?

And then Shalu
and Christian Finnegan

got in a huge
political argument.

Vos drove Dave's girlfriend
back to Jersey,

and Bonnie sat
in the backseat.

Hysterical.

I am so glad
you had so much fun.

You know,
I have to admit, Jeannie.

I felt guilty all day
that I didn't get you anything.

Okay.
You're in big trouble.

What did you get me?

Exactly what you asked for,
nothing.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh.
Thank you.

Yeah.

I can't believe you actually
did nothing for my birthday.

Are you serious?

I did exactly what you
wanted me to do.

No, I know, I know.

I didn't actually want you
to get me something.

I just thought you
would get me something.

You know,
for your information,

I did get you something.

I got you
a really nice watch.

Well, I already have
the watch

that Daniel got me,
which is really nice.

If you like that watch,

you would've really liked
the one I got.

- Okay, where is it?
- Daniel gave it to you!

- You're not even
making sense!

Neither are you,
Jeannie!

You asked me
to do nothing,

and then when I do nothing
it's a problem?

Come on.
What do you want?

- What do I want?
- Yeah!

What do I want?

I don't want to get
any older.

How about that, Jim?

Can you get me
that for a present?

Jeannie, come on.

You are more beautiful
than the 20-year-old girls

I was with
at the club tonight.

What 20-year-old girls?

No, that's not the--
it's not about looks, Jim.

It's about getting older
and time passing

and the kids growing up

and moving out
and not needing me anymore.

The kids aren't gonna move out
any time in the next 18 years.

And if they're like Dave,
they're never gonna move out.

They will always need you.

They'll always need you too.

Well, hopefully
I'll be dead by then.

No, that's part of it.

I don't want you
getting older either, Jim.

Well, you're lucky,

'cause I'm like
a fine wine.

- Whoa.
- I only get better with age.

This is like a grandmother--

it's not putting me
in the mood.

All right, look.

Then, let's just
go to sleep.

Tomorrow's
a regular old day

where I can do nothing
and not feel guilty.

Okay.
Goodnight, Jim.

Happy birthday, Jeannie.

Next year, I really don't
want you to do anything

for my birthday.

Oh, I'll be long gone
by then.

Jim.

If you cremate me,

put me in a jar
that you'd hold pickles.

I love pickles.

I'd like country music
at my funeral.

I don't really know
any of the country music,

but it seems like a sad ballad
like that would work.

Maybe a cowboy hat,

even though I didn't wear one
in real life.

In my casket,
I'd like to wear a cowboy hat.

Of course, pink.

[man scatting]

[man singing indistinctly]

[mellow jazzy music]