All language subtitles for The.Jim.Gaffigan.Show.S01E04_English

[man beatboxing]

[man humming and beatboxing]

Do you think the kids
know I'm charging them

for all these drop-offs
and pickups?

Do I charge you
for all the things I do?

Ah, it's different
for you.

You're a caretaker.

I'm a provider.

You take care of people,

and I provide you with someone
to take care of.

You love your kids.

Not as much
as I love making 'em.

Oh, hello there,
young lady.

What is happening?

Stop!

[laughs]

[buzzer sounds]

Oh!
Daniel is coming over.

- I totally forgot.
- [sighs]

All right,
I'm getting out of here.

I'm not in the mood to deal
with the snarknado today.

You don't have to leave.

I got to meet Dave anyway.

You know, maybe if you greet
Daniel with kindness,

he'll be nicer to you.

Hey, it worked for Poland
in World War II.

Why can't you two
just get along?

You don't understand
why I don't like being insulted

constantly by your ex-boyfriend?

Jim, he's gay.

You say that like it
justifies his behavior.

"Your Honor, I did dump
the toxic waste, but I'm gay."

You're being ridiculous.

Yesterday, he told the kids

my head was originally a case

for carrying
regular sized heads.

- [laughs]
- You think that's funny?

Now, I have to go stuff food
in my mouth

until the feelings stop.

- Morning, Jeannie.
- Good morning, Daniel.

Good morning, Daniel.

Good morning, Jim.

Oh, here.

I got you the cronut
from Dominique Ansel Bakery.

I stood in line for an hour
behind Heidi Klum.

No makeup,
still gorgeous.

You got me the cronut?

The--

Wait.
What do you want?

Nothing.

Can't I just do something nice
for my friend Jim?

Is it poisoned?

Show me where the poison is;
I'll eat around it.

Jim, I'm in a good mood.

I sold two apartments
yesterday.

I got invited to the
super-secret sale at Barney's,

and my father
is visiting from Palm Beach.

(Jeannie)
Oh, no.

I see what's
going on here.

Oh, yeah.

What's going on here?

Jim, every time
Daniel's father comes to town,

he invites us to dinner so that
you can serve as a buffer

between him
and his father.

That is not true.

That is true, Daniel.

Your relationship
with your dad

is never gonna get better
if you always bring Jim along.

Daniel thinks his father finds
you more interesting than him.

Why wouldn't he?

Daniel, Jim just said that
he's more interesting than you.

How do you feel
about that?

- He might be.
- Aha.

I knew it!

Daniel, it's obvious
that you're using Jim.

You're using me?

I should've known.

You think you can just
get me a delicious, flaky,

still warm cronut,

and that I'll forget
all the abuse you levied at me,

and I'll just go out to dinner
with you?

- Is that what you think?
- Well, why wouldn't you?

Why wouldn't I?

Why wouldn't I?

Well, for starters,

Daniel's father
is a big scotch drinker.

Do you remember
what happened the last time

we went to dinner with him?

I mean, no.
What happened?

Yeah,
that's the problem.

Ah.
Sorry, Daniel.

Your dad's a nice guy,
but I'm not going.

And this is
not about Jeannie.

I make my own decisions
in my house.

It's up to me.

Can I keep the cron--
all right, just take it.

You know what?

It was a dumb idea.
I apologize.

You're probably busy, anyway.

Yeah, well,
I got Dave's mom's benefit,

so I can't do it.

All right.

I guess it'll just be
me and my father, alone,

dining together
at Smith and Wollensky.

Daniel,
that is just dirty.

Smith and Wollensky's,
huh?

Yeah.

If I went--
not that I'm gonna go--

if I went,

could I get
the porterhouse?

Of course,
and a wedge salad

with that crumbled blue cheese
you love.

It's so crumbly,
right?

How many sides?

Hypothetically,

if you were gonna go,
as many sides as you want.

Definitely,
the hash browns.

Well, you have to get
the hash browns.

That's just--
it's stupid to go there

and not get
the hash browns.

Jim, I-I know
you're in the middle

of a hash brown flashback,

but didn't you just
say something

about a previous commitment?

What time's your show, Jim?

I go on at 9:30.

Well, dinner's at 7:00.

You can eat a lot of
perfectly aged steak

in two and a half hours,
fella.

Daniel, just go to dinner
with your father, okay?

And Jim, for your own
self-respect, be strong.

Can we visit the meat locker
where they age the meat?

Just let them try
and stop us.

Let me see
if Blanca can babysit.

I can't believe

you're gonna go out to eat
before my show.

Dave, I'm always eating.

I eat before I do stand-up,
after I do stand-up.

I'm still trying to figure out
a way to eat

while I do stand-up.

Comedians bring drinks
on stage.

Why can't I, you know,
have some ribs up there?

- You're kidding, right?
- Kind of.

You know, it's gonna be fine.

Dinner's at 7:00.

I go on at 9:30.

I'm only doing
20 minutes.

It's not just any 20 minutes,
man, all right?

It's my mother's
Hadassah group,

so don't do
any anti-Semitic jokes.

I'll try to hold back.

Attell's going on
right before you, okay?

So try and stick to some
of your safer, blander material.

What am I talking about?
That's your whole act.

- Just do any of it.
- Relax, it's just a show.

We do 'em every night.

Trying telling
that to my mother.

She's been hounding me about
tonight for weeks, you know?

I mean, I hate performing
in front of this woman.

I feel like I'm auditioning
to be her son.

You're just going on before
your highly critical mother

and her judgmental friends.

- No pressure.
- Good, now that's in my head.

Why?
Why, why, why?

[beatboxing]

So that means that you have to
pick up James

at 2:00 on Thursday.

- Jim?
- Sorry.

I was just thinking about
what I'm gonna eat tonight.

That's frightening
but typical.

I don't want you
getting drunk.

Please, give me credit.

We've discussed this.
I'm going for the free food.

Alcohol will only take up
valuable steak space.

One beer.
I'm serious.

All right.

Besides, I have
Dave's show afterwards.

Watching him bomb
in front of his mother

is gonna be the highlight
of my year.

You look amazing.

Thank you.
So do you.

It's nice to see you
dressed up.

Hold on.

You didn't wear a blazer
to Maggie's Christening,

but you're wearing one
to eat steak?

That was just church;
this is Smith and Wollensky's.

Ah, there's my favorite
human garbage can.

- Hey, sweetie.
- Hi.

He talks about food like
a Shriner talks about hookers.

We've all got our goals.

[laughs]

Arty,
nice to see you again.

Danny, what's up?
Your table's ready.

We're gonna go through
the kitchen.

- Only way to go!
- The kitchen.

We're going
through the kitchen.

Oh.

Are you moaning?

I'm just excited.

This is gonna be amazing.

Danny, let's get
some drinks here.

Jimmy,
you want a scotch?

I'll have a beer,
thanks.

You want a tampon
with that beer?

[laughs]

No, I got kind of drunk
the last time we did this,

so Jeannie and I agreed--

You're gonna let her
boss you around?

I don't let her.
She makes me.

Hey, Yoko.

Let your husband have
a real drink for Christ's sake.

Danny,
scotches all around.

I will have a Grey Goose
Martini up with olives, please.

Nonsense.
You'll get a scotch.

Four scotches
coming right up, Art.

It is so good
to have all of you here

because I have something
I want to say.

- [groans]
- Whoa, dad!

Dad! Are you okay?
Dad?

Gotcha.

[laughs]

That's dirty.

Look at his face.

Your face was amazing.

Jim, one scotch.

Please, you don't
have to worry.

One.

[laughs]

We got to get
the hash browns.

We're getting
the hash browns, right?

[laughter]

Sorry, everybody!

Ugh!

Thank you.
Thank you.

What's your problem,
Yoko?

(Jeannie)
That is your third scotch.

Well, they must not be
very strong,

'cause I'm not even drunk.

Sorry, Danny.

Can I interest anybody
in some dessert?

If I had any more interest,
I'd be a bank.

[laughs]

Can we get four pieces of cake,

and you guys
want something?

[laughter]

Coffee, please.

Enough to sober up
a horse.

Maybe even a pail
of it.

Cakes and coffee,
coming right up.

Thanks.

Jim.
Jim, you got to slow down.

You gonna let her
talk to you like that?

You're not
the boss of me.

- Excuse me?
- Nothing.

Sorry, boss.

Art, did you hear that Daniel
sold two apartments yesterday?

That's great, son.

You know, you never even
really believed I was gay.

You always thought
it was an act, admit it.

What are you talking about?

I've known you were gay
since you were a boy,

and I never cared
one bit.

I was talking to Jim.

I always knew
you were gay.

I just never liked you.

[laughter]

Thanks a lot, dad.

Come on.
Daniel, get him back.

This guy's like
a walking recessive gene.

This is a layup.

That's a basketball term,
Daniel.

[laughter]

Oh.

Dad, come on.

It's not gonna work again.

No, no.

God, this is--

I'm serious this time.
Oh.

- Dad?
- Art.

Dad!

Got you again.

[laughter]

You're good at that.
You're good.

- You're good.
- That's not funny, Art.

- It's not funny.
- Why are you two even a couple?

He's so fun.

Oh, you're
the designated downer.

[laughter]

Jim, why did you marry
such a lightweight?

Dad, dad.
Leave her alone.

Now, Art,
I am many things,

but I am not a lightweight.

I gave birth to five children
in our bathtub.

It's true.

She was screaming so loud,

I woke up
a couple times.

[laughter]

I'm gonna have
another one of these.

- Make it a double.
- Coming right up.

Do you want a tampon
with that?

[laughs]

It's not as funny
when you say it to a woman.

[all speaking at once].

All right.
All right, all right.

Dad, let's get you
in a taxi.

Hey, nonsense.

What?
It's 9:00.

Man, the night
is still young.

This is New York City!

Let's go to a club,
Jimmy.

I can't.
I got to do a show.

- He's got a show.
- Ooh, fun.

Where's your show?

I don't know,
but it's important,

and it's
for old people.

And you're an old person.

You should come.

Sounds excruciating.

Dad, let's go.
Come on.

Daniel, we'll go see
Jimmy do his thing,

and then we'll get
a nightcap.

(Jeannie)
Those bastards lost my coat,
my favorite coat.

I-I'm gonna sue.

I told that
coat check girl

she's never gonna check coats
in this town again.

I got--
I got your coat.

- Oh, thanks, honey.
- I'll get a cab.

I will have a scotch

and a Med-Alert bracelet
for Rumpelstiltskin.

[laughs]

Kidding.

He'll have a scotch
and one for the mopey gay guy.

Wait, where's Jim?

He's probably in the bathroom
or eating or both.

Okay, good because Attell
just did a 20-minute bit

about his grandma's
douche powder.

If you want to see 60 elderly
Jewish women frozen in terror,

you should step right inside.

Art, this is Dave.

- He's a degenerate.
- Hey, Art.

- Hey, come here, you.
- Bringing it in, huh?

Okay, lots of hugging.

Hey, so I hope Jim's
the sober one in the group.

- He's sober as a mud fence.
- All right.

I don't know what that means.

Tell Jim he's on
in two minutes.

I'm gonna go count
the fatalities.

Oh, wow, wow.
So good. So good.

I don't think they got
the douche powder thing.

No, no, no.
That was good.

- No, that was good.
- Where you going?

What are you looking at?

Relax,
Wolf of Wall Street.

Can I get--
yes, thank you.

Okay, I think you'll really--

I think you'll really--

no, you're going to enjoy this
next guy quite a bit, I think.

The Wall Street Journal called
him the king of clean comedy.

No need
to fasten your seatbelts.

It's gonna
be a very smooth ride.

My good friend,
Mr. Jim Gaffigan.

Thank you very much.

Thank you so much for--
thank you.

It's--I don't know why I have
to be introduced as a clean guy.

I mean, that's kind
of bull[bleep].

I mean, it's not
like I'm just, you know,

like the guy who's just--

how about I'm just
the funny guy

who doesn't have to say [bleep]
and [bleep] and [bleep]

and [bleep]bag and [bleep],
you know what I mean?

It's just like--
called "Mr. Clean Comedy."

[bleep] you.

- Oh, my God.
- How do I do that for an hour?

That's why the dirty thing
just worked.

(Dave)
That was--

I know, I know.

I went short.
I'm sorry.

Short? Really?

You thought that was
gonna be my critique?

It's Art's fault.

He's in an in badfluence.

No, it's a blue flat--
a flat bluance.

What have you guys
been drinking, lighter fluid?

We're drinking scotch.

You got a problem
with that, Jack?

Wow, charming
and an angry drunk.

I'm not angry.
You're angry.

And you know what else?
You're short.

I hope all you guys
are driving.

(Art)
Here.

Your anxiety is
making me sober.

[laughter]

I'll tell you something.

That show might've been
a train wreck,

but my mom
and her friends

thought I did
the best.

Hey, let's go
to Sardi's to celebrate.

(Jeannie)
Oh, yeah!

We're all going to Sardi's,
everybody!

Jim's paying!

Well,
not everyone's going.

I mean,
it's a private thing.

I don't--
I don't know you.

Why can't I
have a father, you know,

who likes shopping
and talking on the phone?

I think that's called
a mother.

(Daniel)
Look at him.

He's so pompous,

you know,
and argumentative.

He's constantly
insulting people.

He is?

Man, I thought I hated
looking in the mirror.

Oh, you think your kids
are gonna like you

when they grow up?

I don't know,

but they're gonna like me
more than they like you.

[laughs]

Just go talk to him,
my God.

Ask him to dance.

He's good.

(Dave)
What do you say next time,
we go someplace where there are,

like, some women under 60.

I feel like I'm
in a Viagra commercial.

Oh, my God.

(man)
Sweet

Emotion

Sweet

Emotion

[rock music]

[music slows]

Hmm.

[clears throat]

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm,
mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

[laughs]

Mm-hmm.

- Your face.
- Mm-hmm.

I love Falafels.

Those are gyros.

I love those too.

(Jeannie)
All these years
I've lived in New York,

I've never been
on the ferry.

I love this.

Lady Liberty.

The lights
of the city.

The breeze in my face.

It's so beautiful.

[retches]

She okay?

Oh, yeah.
She's been pregnant five times.

Throwing up's
a second language to her.

- [retches]
- You all right?

Get it out, baby.

Get it out.

[Art laughing]

Hey, Dave.
How you doing?

Coo coo ca choo,
Mrs. Robinson.

(Jim)
I didn't know
we were on the love boat.

You know what?
You're not funny.

- I don't think you're funny.
- You know what?

Tough beans, Daniel.

It's what I do
for a living.

People think I'm funny.

- I was talking to my dad.
- Oh.

You're not funny,
either.

You know, Daniel,
I've always tried to be

a good father to you,

and I've always accepted you
for who you are,

but you have
never accepted me.

I just wish--

- Oh, come on, dad.
- Oh, is he pretending?

- We're not falling for it.
- I love when he does this.

Dad, please.
All right.

Work it. Work it.

Get all the attention,
Dad.

Stand back.
I'm a nurse.

He's fine.

You're a nurse?
That's hot.

Somebody call 911.

This man is having
a heart attack.

- What?
- No, no, no, wait.

No, no.
Hold on. Hold on.

- Wait.
- That can't be.

You guys--you guys look like
you've been to Kabul.

[laughter]

It was a blood pressure spike,
not completely serious,

but I've contacted
his cardiologist.

He's totally stable now.

Let me just get
a release form signed,

and you'll be good to go.

Thank you, Doctor.

Now, that's
a nice looking doctor.

[laughter]

We should probably let
Art rest.

- How about waffles?
- Jim.

I'm not saying
Art has to make 'em.

I have to get ready
for my grandson's Bar Mitzvah.

- Oh, mazel tov.
- Yeah.

We're gonna go get some coffee
from the cafeteria.

Coffee's okay,
but not waffles?

Jim, stop.

That was a close one.

Listen, Dad, I, uh...

You know, that's as close
as I've ever come

to a near-death experience,

and at the moment
when I hit the deck,

I thought, "I wish
I were closer to my son."

What's the deal with us,
Daniel?

I don't know.

I don't know
how to talk to you.

Well, maybe it would be
easier to talk

if there weren't
so many people around.

The next time
I come to New York,

it'll just be
the two of us at dinner.

Yeah, and I'm afraid
we'll just sit there

staring awkwardly
at each other.

That's what my father
and I did.

Hell, why should it
be any different for us?

I love you, son.

I love you too, Dad.

Ooh, you guys.

- That was so beautiful.
- So nice.

- I'm so sorry.
- Oh, what the hell?

Oh, we thought
that was the exit,

and it's not
really the exit.

We heard you guys talking.

- We didn't want to interrupt.
- It was great.

(Dave)
Had to stick around.

Art, you are free
to go.

- Hey!
- Here, have a little.

You want to join us
for breakfast?

Someone brought up waffles.

- We could--
- Jim.

How about the two of us
go alone, dad?

All right.
That's a good plan.

Yup.

It wouldn't be weird if
we were at the same restaurant

but different tables,
right?

I mean--what?

I mean,
the waffle thing was my idea.

There could be,
like, a father/son table,

and then a husband
and wife table.

Okay, we're gonna go.

Dave, what about
a friend/friend table?

- Don't talk to me.
- You like waffles.

Your friends
are stinking drunks.

Yeah, I know.
I hate them all.

Mommy! Daddy!

Mommy, Daddy,
Mommy!

Why is there a strange man
in our tub?

I think he's dead.

What?
Is that Art?

[Jim grunting]

[laughs]

[laughs]

Did any of you guys
get the number

of that little hottie
I was with last night?

I think it was 70.

70.
Is that Brooklyn?

(man)
Coo coo ca choo,
Mrs. Robinson

Jesus loves you more
than you will know

[man scatting]

[man singing indistinctly]

[mellow jazzy music]