All language subtitles for The.Jim.Gaffigan.Show.S01E01_English

Thank you, guys.
Thank you very much.

[cheers and applause]

One more time
for Jim Gaffigan...

(Jim voice-over)
That's me: Jim Gaffigan,

the really pale good-looking guy
coming right at you.

FYI, the camera
does add ten pounds.

I'm a stand-up comedian
in New York City,

and I love what I do.

It's 8:00 on a Thursday,

and I feel like I'm king
of the city.

Hi, babe!
How was your show?

[baby screaming]

[The Ramones'
I Wanna Be Sedated playing]

(Jim voice-over)
Welcome to the after-party,

or as I call it, "home."

[screaming]

Oh! Oh, yeah!

(Jim voice-over)
That's Jeannie, my wife.

I know she's out of my league.

When we're together in public

and people find out
she's my wife,

there's usually
an audible, "Really?"

I used to find it flattering

until I realized
it was an insult.

If people think Jeannie
and I being together is strange,

they can't even
fathom our home life.

Jim, get Joseph!

(Jim voice-over)
We live in a two-bedroom
apartment

in downtown Manhattan with--

hold on, I'll let
that counter thing catch up.

Roar!

(Jim voice-over)
Our five children.

That's right, five.

If you're wondering
what it's like being the father

of five young children,

just imagine you're drowning,

and then someone
hands you a baby.

[indistinct chatter]

Right here, this is my favorite
part of the day.

When they're all clean, calm,
and quiet,

I can sit in peace and think
about selling some of them.

I'm pregnant.

Hey! Look at you.

[laughing]
Yeah.

[beatboxing]

What are you doing?

You're having another kid?

You're just more domesticated
than my mother's cat.

(Jim voice-over)
This is my friend Dave.

Our lives are very different,
as in I actually have one.

You know, I like being a dad.

- It gives my life meaning.
- Mm-hmm.

It's not like I planned
on starting my own nationality.

You know who tried to do that?
Hitler.

Why is it always Hitler
with you?

I'm just saying that you
have kids everywhere,

scattered everywhere--
look, there's one right there.

This is a special bonding time
with me and my...

My son.

We come here, and we split
a pastrami sandwich.

- He's sleeping.
- Well...

That means I can
eat his half.

Here's the thing, man.

I'm your friend.

I love you, you know?
I'm trying to be supportive.

- Over here.
- Yeah.

But your life is pathetic.

- My life?
- Yes, your life.

You know, that is pretty ironic
coming from a guy

who lives with his mother
in a retirement community.

In a retirement community
half a block from a strip joint.

Oh, I take it back.

Why are you attacking me?

I'm trying to--

look, when you
showed up here from Iowa...

- Indiana.
- Whatever.

When you drove here

on your pa's tractor,
all right,

who was the first person
to befriend you?

Greg Giraldo.

The first person
from the clubs.

Tom Shillue.

- Who was the first Jew you met?
- You?

Yes, me, and you're
attacking me

because you hate yourself
for overpopulating the planet.

Have you two heard
of birth control?

My wife's a Shiite Catholic.

There's no goalie, Dave.

Well, then you need
to get a vasectomy.

- I'm not getting a vasectomy.
- Why not?

It goes against the basic
rule of being a man.

What's that?

You don't put sharp objects
anywhere near that.

Don't you learn that
when you're, like, eight?

What, you never manscape?

Can--

can we just go back to Hitler?

- Give me your pickle.
- No, no, no.

My pickle.

No, give me--aw.

[beatboxing]

Mmm.

Jim.

I'm using the spoon
this time.

No. No, it's not that.

I'm not pregnant.

Oh...

I'm sorry, sweetie.

You mean it?

Yeah.

Hope you're not too sad...

Mostly 'cause
I don't want to

have to share my
ice cream with you.

[laughs]

Ugh.

It's probably
for the best.

One more kid,
I think legally

we'd have to move to Utah.

You know, it's illegal
to wear a thong in Utah.

I could go to jail.

Hey, don't forget Daniel
has another apartment

he wants to show us tomorrow,
and I want you to come

and see it 'cause I think
this might be the one.

(Jim voice-over)
We've been saving money
to move to a bigger apartment

ever since we grew
out of this one,

which was pretty much
immediately.

Jeannie thinks that every
new apartment we look at

is "the one."

Honey, you always
say that.

I never say that.

This is the one.

This is the one.

This is the one.

I'm getting a very strong
feeling about this, Jim.

This is the one?

You feel it too.

I don't always
say that.

No, no, no,
I'm laughing about

what Dave said
today at lunch.

I know you don't
like him.

Jim, his date
to Mary's christening

was a stripper.

She seemed nice.

Anyway, I told him
you were pregnant,

and he said I should
get a vasectomy.

[both laughing]

- I was like, "What?"
- He's crazy.

Yeah.

Like that would
ever happen.

Yeah.

Wh--what do you mean?

I mean that would
never happen.

Are you--are you
saying that, like,

you wouldn't let me, like
the Pope's gonna find out

and take us off the mailing
list or something?

I'm not saying that.

Well, it sure sounds
like you are.

How about it's my body,
my choice?

You ever heard of that?

Listen, I am not
saying, Jim,

that you can't
get a vasectomy.

I'm just saying you won't.

[scoffs]

(man)
The forecast,
cloudy and windy and cold.

Flurries today...

[indistinct radio chatter]

Wait, why won't I
get a vasectomy?

Are you still on that?

Jim, you're never getting a
vasectomy, and we both know it.

Do me a favor and make
some peanut butter crackers.

Why wouldn't I?

You won't get a vasectomy
because you don't like pain.

Oh, please.

You can't even stand
to watch

the kids get
their nails clipped.

Every time I do it,
you run out of the room.

That's 'cause you enjoy it
too much, Jeannie.

I don't want you
accidentally clipping me

or going on some
clipping rampage.

When you get your teeth
cleaned, you get nitrous.

A lot of people do.

It's very common.
It hurts.

Right, and getting
snipped won't?

No, Mister,
don't get snipped.

But Blanca, you're the one

always saying
we have too many kids.

Si, too many ninos,

but they cut off your
chilito, you a lady.

They don't cut anything off.

They don't, right?

You don't even know what's
involved in the procedure.

I guess I'll call a urologist

and set up an appointment
and get some information.

Fine. Go ahead.

'Cause I'm an adult,

and I'm in charge
of my own life,

and I make my own
decisions.

Those are for
the kids.

You gonna make that call?

Well, if you're gonna
be like that,

then I'm gonna make the call.

- I think you should.
- I'm serious, Jeannie.

I'm serious too.

I'm doing it!

Of course I'm not doing it.

Well, look, even if you
wanted the procedure,

it wouldn't be possible
because all the parts the doctor

needs to work on have been
removed already by your wife.

Ha ha.

In case you're wondering,
it's that kind of comment

why you didn't get
my pickle yesterday.

Oh, okay.
That's why.

It was an actual
pickle, ma'am.

Can you come in here

so we can maybe have
a less public conversation?

No way, man;
there's no way

I'm going in there
with all those kids.

It's like a Petri dish
of boogers.

Thank God you're
getting a vasectomy,

that's all
I'm saying.

Why do you feel the need
to make an announcement?

I'm not getting
a vasectomy.

I'm not even making
an appointment

to get the information.

But I need Jeannie
to think I am

because she knows
exactly what I'll do

and what I won't do,
and I hate it.

Yeah, I don't
blame you, brother.

And add in the fact
she's always right.

This is exactly why
I'm not getting married

'cause all women
are controlling,

castrating nightmares.

Not you, hot-pants.
You're doing great.

Excuse me?
There are kids in here.

Yes, there are a lot of them.
Believe me, I can smell.

What?
Stand right there, okay?

Oh, you want a little
of this, don't you?

Stand right there.
Yeah, here I come.

You want a little
of this, huh?

Come on. Let's do it.
I got to--Jim, I'm gonna...

All right,
I'll see you.

[beatboxing]

Daniel, I know I've said
this before, but...

(both)
This is the one.

(Jim voice-over)
Daniel used to date Jeannie

before he figured
out he was gay.

Now no one is good enough
for her, especially not me.

I know.
You've got the downstairs.

You got the--the master's
unbelievable.

It's the size of our
current living room.

And if, for some reason,
this isn't the one,

there is a new building,

four bedrooms,
hardwood floors, in SOHO.

- I don't like SOHO.
- I don't either.

It's a hellhole.
But you know what I do love?

- What?
- This coat.

You picked this out the last
time we went shopping.

I know.

Do you love
the apartment, Jim?

Is that a Shake Shack
going in on the corner?

It is.

I love this place.

Okay, I know we have
to get home to the babysitter,

but I've got to go look
at that bedroom one more time.

I think I might be able
to do a cartwheel in there.

Don't hurt yourself.

Jim, have you lost weight?

Uh, no.

Yeah, I didn't
think so.

I am a little
worried about Jeannie.

Why?

She was with me
in college.

Now she's with you.

Is there a history of mental
illness in her family?

No, I--I think
she just decided

she didn't want to be with
a snide, nasty bitch.

I love this place.

What are you guys
talking about?

Oh, I was just about to ask Jim
about his vasectomy.

Really?

(Jim)
What's the big deal?

I don't think it's right
for you to discuss

my under bits
with Daniel or anyone.

[laughing]
Your under bits?

Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I'm sorry.

If you really want to find out
about a vasectomy,

I should support that.

Yeah, you should.

Good, I'm glad you agree
because I found you

a really good urologist,
and I made you an appointment.

It's Monday, 3:00.

(Jim voice-over)
Well played, Mrs. Gaffigan.

Well played.

The game is on.

- Great.
- Excellent.

You can learn all about
the two incisions

they're gonna make
in your scrotum.

If you're saying that
to scare me, it didn't work.

(Jim voice-over)
Okay, it worked a little.

(Jeannie)
Good job helping push, guys.

Jeannie,
good morning.

Good morning,
Father.

And who is this?

This is Jim,
my husband.

You have a husband?

How wonderful.

[laughs]

I thought she was a widow

'cause I'll see her all alone

with all these children
every Sunday,

make me so very sad.

I--I've been to church.

[laughing]
Oh, no, no, no.

You see, I came here
from Africa three months ago,

and I would remember you
because you're so fat.

I am Father
Nicholas Ngugumbane

from Kalanga
in Zimbabwe.

Such a beautiful
family.

Oh, thank you.

Hard to believe he's
considering a vasectomy.

Really?

Daddy, what's a separie?

I can get one?

Really.

Didn't I just ask you

not to discuss my under bits
with other people?

Jim, I only told
Father Nicholas

because I thought
he would tell you

not to go
to the appointment,

and then you would have been
out, which is what you want.

Admit it.

We'll see tomorrow at 3:00
who wants an out.

That didn't even
make sense!

We'll see what doesn't
make sense tomorrow at 3:00.

What?

Hi.

To be clear, I'm only here
for the consultation.

We've all heard stories
of people getting

organs removed by accident.

Don't worry.
It's just a consultation.

Okay.

Hey, for the consultation,

do you guys offer nitrous?

[laughing]
I was kidding. Got you.

Unless you do. I mean...

All right,
I'll be back here.

(Jim)
Well, look who's here.

Yeah, here's your guy.

What kind of friend
would I be

if I wasn't here
to hold your hand

while you got neutered?

I did the same thing
for my mother's cat, by the way.

What's with the baby?
They got pastrami here too?

No, just a crafty move
by Jeannie.

She took off and left me
alone at home with the baby,

thinking I'd cancel
the appointment.

- Uh-huh.
- But I showed her.

- I brought the baby.
- Right. Okay.

Advantage Jim.

[laughing]
Wow, man.

That's like
Game of Thrones, you know,

except not at all
interesting.

Hey, there you go.

What's this?

It's proof that you were here
so we can leave.

- Let's go.
- Oh, that's brilliant.

- Yeah.
- Why didn't I think of that?

You don't have
the dirt-bag gene.

I got to get
one of those.

- We could go to Shake Shack.
- Okay.

[indistinct chatter]

That wheel's a silly one.

Hey, everybody.

- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, Daddy.

Daddy.

What are you guys
doing here?

Are you checking up on me?

You've got your coat.

Where are you going?

I--I'm not
going anywhere.

Why is he here?

Why is he here?

Hi, Jeannie.

Hi, Dave.

Well, I'm here
because I was out

looking at new
apartments

and ran into Jeannie
and the kids,

and--what did you
tell me to say?

What?

I didn't tell you
to say anything, Daniel.

Well, we
definitely did not

discuss your
under bits.

Look, I'm just here
supporting a friend,

and you know, trying
to put an end to this madness.

(woman)
Gaffigan.

Jim, you don't
have to do this.

I'm--I'm sorry
if I pushed you this far.

Let's just go home.

(woman)
Gaffigan?

That's me.

Gaffigan.

Hello, I'm Dr. Weiss.

Uh...

- Hi.
- Hi.

Just so I'm clear,
which one of you is here

to discuss the procedure?

Just me.

And these people?

Well, these are my children.

You understand
it's not necessary

to prove that you need
a vasectomy?

You know what, Doctor?
I have a question.

In your medical opinion,

which is more painful,
a vasectomy

or getting one's
nails clipped?

That's my wife.

There's a history of mental
illness in her family.

Jim...

This is her friend
Daniel.

He's also our
real estate guy.

I actually mostly
work downtown

if you're thinking
about a move or lunch.

I'm not, but thank you.

(Dave)
How you doing,
Dr. Weiss?

Dave Marks, Jim's
best friend, stand-up.

I'm sure you've
caught the act.

You don't have
any free samples

of penicillin,
by any chance?

- No.
- Nope, okay.

I'm just gonna--
help me out here?

- Yeah.
- Okay. There you go.

(Dave)
Yep.

This is quite a group
you have here, Mr. Gaffigan,

and this is just
the consultation.

I can't wait to see
how many people

you bring to the actual
procedure.

Yes?

What's the under bits?

What'd she say?

- What?
- Really?

Does that--
I didn't--

let the doctor speak.

- Please, go on, Doctor.
- Okay.

Well, the easiest way
to explain

how the procedure works is...

That looks like Florida.
Is that Florida?

Wow, can we roll that right
back up where it was?

- Absolutely. Yes, I'm sorry.
- You know what?

I don't think this is
the best place for the kids.

- No.
- Let's just...

Let's--come on, guys.

Let's go outside
while Daddy

pretends to talk
to the doctor.

I'm not pretending,
and I'll give you an update,

and you can fill
in Daniel and our priest

and update my Wikipedia page.

Give me a call.

Thank you.

I--I'm so sorry
about all this.

It's fine.

Would you like me to explain
the procedure now?

- Yes, please.
- Okay.

First we make two incisions
on each side of your scrotum.

I'm not doing that.
No way.

Glad I could be of service.
Thank you very much.

Oh, but
you know what?

If you could do me a favor,
can you just

stay in here
for, like, 15 minutes

so my wife thinks that
I'm considering the procedure?

Mr. Gaffigan, I've got
other patients to see.

Really?
You don't got 15 minutes?

No.

- Oh. Really?
- Thank you.

- Positive?
- Yes.

- Okay. Sorry.
- All right.

Is it okay if I stay in here?
Please?

Yeah, you probably should.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Why aren't you eating
your pierogies?

Oh, you know what?
I'm worried about the kids.

I wish we'd had time
to find better babysitters.

Why don't they stop moving?

Dave, can I please
just get some help?

This is me helping.

Well, if you're worried
about the kids,

why'd you say you wanted
to talk alone?

Because I want this whole
vasectomy thing to end.

Oh, it'll end...

next Thursday,
when I get my vasectomy.

Jim, stop.

There is no vasectomy.

There never was a vasectomy.

You will get a tan
before you get a vasectomy.

Well, it looks like
I'm getting a tan.

Ow. All right.

I guess it just bothers me
that you know me so well.

I'm your wife.

I'm supposed
to know you so well.

Jeannie, isn't there
supposed to be...

mystery in a relationship?

Honey, half the things you do
are a complete mystery to me.

So what you're saying
is I'm alluring.

Yes, you're alluring,

and you're easy to read.

That's why I'm right about you
all the time.

Well, I'm right about you
all the time too.

You're never right about me.

- Really?
- Really.

I know you well enough
to know that we could see

the greatest apartment
in the history of New York City.

We could see an apartment
made of gold,

and you'd be like, "I don't
know if I like gold."

First of all,
I don't talk like that.

And second of all,
what are you talking about?

I mean, I love it.

Why would anyone
in their right mind ever

want to sell
this apartment?

- They're getting divorced.
- Oh, no.

Oh, gosh.
We can't live here.

Let's go.
Come on, quick.

It's not contagious.

Nope. No good.
Baby doesn't like it.

Baby looks fine.

This baby, Jim,
this baby.

What was wrong
with that one?

You see that?

What is that building
right there?

It looks like a prison.

I think it's a bank.

Well, now I got the prison
thing in my head.

I know how you feel.

It's a bank.

Okay, it's happened
a couple of times.

- A couple?
- A couple.

But that doesn't mean that you
know me as well as I know you.

Well, I know you don't
want to move.

Jim, we're in that
tiny place.

Of course I want to move.

And you don't want to move

because you love that
tiny place.

That's where the kids were born,

where they learned
to walk and talk

and throw up on me,

and you don't want
to leave those memories.

You're not wrong about me
all the time.

Let's go.

I want to get to the park
before Child Services does.

- What about the pierogies?
- Leave them.

What?

Hey, if you know
everything about me

and you're always right,
how much did I leave for a tip?

$6.

Wrong!

I left $7.

Wow. Look at you.

Maybe I don't know you so well
after all, man of mystery.

[laughs]

I'm not leaving
seven bucks.

These are perfectly
good pierogies.

Kids! Kids!

Stop licking the swings!

Dave, can I get a hand
here please?

There's no way
I'm getting in there

with those little swing-lickers.

Everybody, let's go.

I think Jim and Jeannie
should be back by now.

Do we have all the kids?

If we're one short, we'll just
grab somebody else's kid.

You know what I mean?
As long as he's white, you know,

they got so many, I'm sure
they can't tell them apart.

And I'm the one who can't
get married in some states.

- Kids, let's go!
- Sir, what are you doing here?

Oh, I'm just watching
these beautiful children.

Are any of these
your children?

[laughing]
No, sir.

You need to come
with me, sir.

Oh, I see where you're going.
No, no, no, no.

See, I--I wasn't watching them
in a licentious way.

- Come on.
- No, I dig women.

This worked out well.

We could get dessert.

Shake Shack?

You know me so well.

I do.

Let's leave them here.

- No. We need to get them.
- All right.

- Gaffigan kids!
- There's one.

- There's one!
- There's one!

[man singing indistinctly]