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How's your essay going for Yale?

Did you pick a topic yet?

Um, I narrowed it down to a few options.

Maybe you could just send the whole board and hope for the best.

The website specifically said not to do that.

But I can't get over how well-rounded I am.

I mean, am I too interesting?

No.

Okay, look, each color represents a different aspect

of my life that is essay-worthy.

Like, red is "Growing Up Cuban,"

and orange is "My Dad Abandoned Me

But Got Into Recovery, So We're Cool Now,"

and purple is just "General Gay Stuff."

- Mm-hmm. - General Gay Stuff

is also my ranking in the lesbian army.

'Sup, fam? I was just wondering how the planning is coming for my quinces.

What the hell are you talking about?

Oh, well, I thought that since Elena had a quinces,

obviously I would also be given a party

to celebrate my coming of age,

this being a house of gender equality and all.

What the hell is he talking about?

Hey, on the other hand, if it's too much trouble,

you can just give me the cash instead.

Oh! Okay.

Now I understand. You want money.

I thought you were woke. Turns out, you're just broke.

I actually love the idea of throwing you a quinces.

- Ooh. - You do?

Yeah.

I mean, you think it's a special day for you,

but, really, it's about what a great mom I am.

I know you came in here trying to scam us for money,

but congratulations, you played yourself.

We're doing this.

Finally, a day we can focus on Papito!

Oh, my God.

We're gonna break gender norms and have a quincea�er-o!

- Whoo-hoo! - I know!

I get a mother-son dance.

And I get a mistaken-for- your-mother-son dance!

Stop. I admit it.

I don't really want a quincea�ero.

Yeah, this isn't about you anymore.

I just need $500, okay?

Uh, what? $500?! Why?

For once, can't you just give me $500

without asking any questions?

Papito. What are you thinking,

asking your mommy for so much money?

I'll give it to you.

You know what? Actually, I would love to see you pull $500 out of there.

Okay, I'm bluffing.

I am bluffing, but don't worry, Papito.

I will take it out of my savings account.

I just need to grab my map and a shovel.

It's fine, Abuelita. Forget it.

I'm sorry I asked.

Should I be worried about that?

Oh, wait, I do have money!

It's a ketchup packet.

Hey, Dr. B! What are you doing here?

I wanted to drop off an early baby gift.

I-I know you're coming by for an ultrasound in a couple of days,

but I wanted you guys to have this now.

- Our first baby gift! - This is so exciting.

I know.

- Thank you so much Dr. - Aah!

Meet Ruckus the Clown!

He's been in my family for years, and I wanted to pass him on to you.

I bet you did.

Oh, Ruckus watched over me when I was growing up.

He was my confidant, he was my caretaker,

and the best big spoon you ever spooned.

Dr. B.

We couldn't possibly take something so...

- obviously meant for you. - Yeah.

Get that guy out of here.

- Right now. - No, no, no, no, no.

I-I've thought about this long and hard.

Ruckus' cold, pale face is my first memory,

and I want that for your child.

I don't...

know what to say.

I am glad that you love him as much as I do!

Oh.

You know, you guys remind me so much

of when Sophie and I had our first baby.

So full of joy and hope.

And then the baby's born and... bam... all gone.

Hope and joy is replaced with fear and regret.

Oh, and then you start turning on each other.

And that's when the lawyers start circling like hyenas

around the rotting corpse of your relationship.

Whoa! Got to go.

- Welcome home! - Aah!

I get why she does this. It's a real power move.

- What are you doing back there? - I'll ask the questions.

Why do you need $500?

Because I Googled "what does a teenage boy need $500 for?"

and it autofilled with some really disturbing stuff.

Just forget it. I'm over it.

No, I'm not over it. I'm spinning out.

I'm thinking "exotic pet deal gone wrong."

I-I went on a whole subreddit about calf implants.

Help me out!

Oh, my God. It's nothing bad.

But you're gonna think it's stupid.

At this point, I would love to think it's stupid.

Okay.

I want to take a class...

in fashion design.

See? I knew you'd think it was stupid.

No. No, I'm just glad that we don't

have to give Elena's room to a Komodo dragon.

No, Alex, I think that's great.

- You do? - Yes.

Why didn't you just tell me that?

I don't know. It's not academic,

and I figured you might think it's a waste of money.

It is a waste of money.

Wait.

Why are my curtains already open?

What do you mean? You just opened them.

Okay.

Pero, Papito, why pay for a class

when the world's greatest seamstress

will teach you for free?

I'm talking about myself.

Thanks, Abuelita, but it's actually a class

- about street style... - Oh, I know the streets.

How do you think I get to the farmers market?

Mommy, help.

Don't worry, I'm not gonna make you go through

what I went through with her.

Excuse me?

Do you remember when I wanted to take that hip-hop class?

You said, "Why pay for the class

when the world's greatest dancer can teach for you free?

I'm talking about myself."

I did teach you.

There are no castanets in hip-hop, Mami!

Well, if there were, it would be popular.

Papito.

Imagine you and me wearing matching

homemade street outfits.

I am definitely imagining it.

Don't worry, Alex, you can take the class.

But I'm not giving you the money.

I am investing in the future of fashion, which is you.

Oh, I can't wait to see you on "Project Runway."

Not as a contestant, as a judge.

'Cause that's how we do.

Oh, plus I'm gonna look fly as hell, so I'm in!

Oh, my God.

Thank you so much, Mami. You're the best.

Well...

I'll get my needle and thread so I can mend my broken heart.

Do you what you need to do, Mami.

I have made up my mind.

Alex is taking the class.

IY ya!

I love this.

What the hell is going on?

Oh, there's my little genius.

How's the essay going?

I've got nothing!

What? This looks great.

You're just a ball of red yarn away from cracking this murder case.

No, I stayed up all night writing 15 different essays,

only to discover that all of them sucked!

I need Yale to fall in love with me,

and this will just make them file a restraining order.

- Ohh, I'm sure it'll be fine. - Fine?

- Yeah. - Oh, well, I should just

get my GED and start backpacking.

Okay, maybe I'll go back to my first idea

about how I want to put the "I" in "environmental."

I think you put the "mental" in "environmental."

Can't even tell if that's a good idea or not.

Okay, yeah, no, I'm fine.

Chaos is part of my process.

Hey.

Hey, how was your fashion class?

When does your line come out

so I can buy it a year later at Nordstrom Rack?

Yes, tell us what the strangers taught you.

- Show us, come on. - Okay.

It's just a simple pair of shorts,

and it's my first project, so don't get too excited.

Aah! Alex!

- This is really good! - Thanks.

I mean, I knew you were crushing it,

but, damn, my investment is paying off already.

Mami, didn't he do a great job?

Well, I wouldn't call it a "street style."

You know who wouldn't be caught dead in these?

Dr. Ake.

Do you mean Dr. Dre?

Do you mean Drake?

I said what I said.

Keep up the great work.

Nice job, and next week, I'd like to see a skirt

for your mother, the woman that made this all possible.

- I'll see what I can do. - Okay.

Mami, you got to admit, this is pretty good.

I admit nothing.

It's obvious he got his talent from me.

Good clean lines, good stitching,

"made in China."

How far away is this class?

Alex didn't make these.

He lied to us.

It's worse than you think.

"Dry-clean only."

Please tell me that's your hand on my butt.

I was just thinking about what Dr. B said.

Oh, my God. Me too.

Do you actually think he expects us

to follow these bath-time instructions?

No, I was thinking about how he said

his marriage fell apart after kids.

Oh, yeah, that freaked me out, too.

But that's not us.

We're totally in love.

We've never even had one fight.

You're right.

Why don't I get this guy out of here?

Yes. Oh, God!

I have been waiting for you to say that.

Oh, just make sure no one sees it in the trash.

I don't want it to get back to Dr. B and hurt his feelings.

Uh... why would I put him in the trash?

I'm taking him to the baby's room.

What?

Oh, you're kidding.

It's... You... Wait, what?

This guy's awesome.

I can't believe Dr. B was willing to part with him.

Honestly, I feel safer.

You are not putting that thing near our baby's crib.

'Course not. You heard the doc.

He's a spooner. He needs to be in the crib.

He's a creepy serial-killer doll with polka-dot pants.

And he smells like cheese!

He smells like love!

And a little bit like Camembert.

Are we really having our first fight over a...

Over a stupid antique clown?!

No, we're having our first fight over my new best friend!

Come on, Ruckus.

Ohh! Buddy, are you okay?

He's not real!

Hey, bud.

I just want to say one more time great job.

Really professional.

Like something you'd find in a store.

Thanks. You know, it took a lot out of me.

So I'm just gonna take a nap.

Yeah, you thought of every detail.

- I mean, even a receipt. - You found the receipt?

Well, now I don't have to.

If you were really taking the class, I'd have you make me a trench coat,

'cause I'm freaking McGruff. Ruff ruff, ya busted!

I'm sorry. I can explain.

Yeah, you better 'cause you lied to me.

I quit the class.

I-I decided I didn't want to go anymore.

And don't worry, I got a refund.

Well, why didn't you just tell me that?

I wouldn't make you keep going to the class if I knew you hated it.

I'm not Abuelita pounding out the counts to "No Diggity"

with her chancletas.

I didn't hate it.

I loved it.

Okay, now I don't know what's going on.

I loved it, but I sucked at it, so I quit.

And I bought the stupid shorts so I

wouldn't have to have this conversation.

So what was your plan?

You were just gonna keep buying clothes until I showed up

to a fake graduation, looking fantastic?

I'm not saying it was a good plan,

but that was the plan.

Alex, relax.

You only took one class.

It's okay not to be perfect.

Not in this family.

I mean, everyone here is "killing it"

and "a badass" and "a strong independent woman."

Abuelita came to this country with nothing,

made a whole life for herself.

You're a military veteran whose job is literally saving lives.

Elena is gonna get into every Ivy League school

and become the first doctor-lawyer president.

I'm just a dude with a great smile.

Come on, you're good at a lot of stuff.

Not fashion.

I mean, everybody else made a pair of shorts.

I spent the whole class trying to thread

the stupid sewing machine.

I mean, I stabbed my finger with the needle

so many times that I needed stitches,

but I didn't know how to do them.

Oh, baby.

So I figured that, if I'm not gonna be great,

it's better not to do it, right?

No, you got to keep doing it.

But you already said I could quit.

Yeah, that's when I thought you hated it.

But now that I know you love it,

I expect you to work until you're miserable.

You can't be afraid to fail.

What, do you think I'm gonna love you any less

because you're not perfect?

I mean, I'd rather not find out.

Oh, love.

I'm sorry.

I never meant to make you feel that way.

Look at me.

It's okay to be bad at some things.

Dare to suck!

It's the first step to getting good.

And if you love the fashion thing,

you have to keep going back

and not be afraid to be bad at it for awhile.

Because you'll get better.

We're all learning.

It's a process.

Okay. Thanks, Mom.

- I'll go back to the class. - Mm.

What's going on? I heard voices.

Oh, wait.

They're not coming from in here.

Is this fire out?

'Cause mama's got a real inferno over there.

Are you insane?

Peanut butter is not healthier than almond butter.

Tell that to the bees, who work their little fingers to the bone

so that you can have your precious "AB&J."

You want to have a butter fight, let's have a butter fight!

Hey, kids.

Are we ready for the ultrasound?

You "butter" believe it.

Oh, don't you dare.

You're the one who bought almond butter.

I didn't even get a chance to weigh in.

Well, next time, you can do the online shopping.

- I'm exhausted. - But... You're exhausted?

There's your baby.

Oh, my God.

That's our baby.

It's the most beautiful, tiniest blob I've ever seen.

I'm sorry for everything.

And I'm sorry, too.

Oh, look at you two.

If my marriage had one ounce of this love,

Sophie and I might still just be separated.

To be honest, Dr. B, we've been on edge

since you came over the other day

and told us how kids ruined your marriage.

Oh, yeah. I...

I totally misremembered that.

No, no, no.

Things didn't go downhill after we had kids.

It was after my wife slept with her podiatrist.

Ah, ironically, he swept her off her feet.

What the hell, doc?

We've been fighting all week since you said that.

Well, that's just crazy.

You two are perfect for each other.

And your baby's perfect, too.

Ooh, can you tell whether it's a boy or a girl?

Yes, of course. I'm a doctor.

Sort of did want to know.

Hey, but maybe it'd be fun not to.

You know, I agree.

I'm sorry I got so worked up about Ruckus.

I was such a lonely kid,

I-I would've loved to have a buddy.

Any buddy.

Now you have a buddy... me.

And our baby doesn't need a creepy stuffed companion.

'Cause they'll have us.

We did it!

We get through our first fight!

I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank you, Ruckus?

Yeah.

You know what the best way to thank him might be?

Hey, Penelope, you change your hair?

Ruckus?

"I'm sick. Homesick."

Oh, I miss you, too, old fella.

_

Mami, you think a sign is gonna stop me.

I'm parked in a loading zone right now.

Okay. Class was great.

And...

this one I really made.

It's good! You did good!

You see? This is how you get better.

And I decided, if I cannot be your teacher,

I will be your model.

I already slapped Naomi Campbell,

but that's a story for another time.

Pin a medal on General Gay Stuff!

I finally wrote the perfect college essay.

My adviser said it was the best one she's read in years.

That's amazing, honey! Congratulations!

You see, look at us! We're all killing it.

Although, I'm gonna tell you, Alex, I'm a little bummed

about us not having a quincea�ero.

Mostly because I was really looking forward

to that mother-son dance.

But, um...

Uh-oh.

Is there one starting now?

Alright. I guess you deserve this.

Mm, this and you're gonna make me one of these cool jackets.

Lucky for you, I can also rock a vest.

- Lupita! - What?

- You are getting a ticket! - Oh, crap!

There is no ticket.

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