Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:10,263 --> 00:01:15,263
Subtitles by explosiveskull
2
00:01:16,474 --> 00:01:18,741
Barry, do you hear that?
3
00:01:18,743 --> 00:01:20,811
Superhero: The Musical.
4
00:01:20,813 --> 00:01:22,812
I'm telling you I know
what I'm talking about.
5
00:01:22,814 --> 00:01:25,249
Get on the phone. Call the
heads of all the studios.
6
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:26,618
This is going to be huge.
7
00:01:28,319 --> 00:01:30,186
Chris!
8
00:01:30,188 --> 00:01:31,557
No!
9
00:01:37,495 --> 00:01:41,698
I don't know what's worse: a
half-naked, oiled-up David Hasselhoff
10
00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:43,666
or this bullet in my chest.
11
00:01:43,668 --> 00:01:46,270
Probably asking yourself how
I got into this situation.
12
00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:48,174
Let's go back a few days.
13
00:01:53,379 --> 00:01:55,546
Tommy's house, where it all started.
14
00:01:55,548 --> 00:01:57,880
- Boom.
- He's a reality TV producer.
15
00:01:57,882 --> 00:02:01,418
Anyway, we're all there for Tommy's
annual Celebrity Death Pool party.
16
00:02:01,420 --> 00:02:03,186
That's me, Chris.
17
00:02:03,188 --> 00:02:06,389
I own a nightclub called Habitat
that's barely making ends meet.
18
00:02:06,391 --> 00:02:09,292
My pick in the pool every
year is David Hasselhoff.
19
00:02:09,294 --> 00:02:12,296
I almost won last year as The
Hoff nearly plunged to his death
20
00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:15,198
skydiving blind on his reality show.
21
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:18,668
As usual, my luck didn't pan
out while Hasselhoff's did.
22
00:02:18,670 --> 00:02:20,770
I mean, as far as death pool's go,
23
00:02:20,772 --> 00:02:23,207
I figured that was like drafting
LeBron right out of high school.
24
00:02:23,209 --> 00:02:25,576
What started out as an
innocent game with my boys,
25
00:02:25,578 --> 00:02:28,644
ended up being one of the
worse weeks of my life.
26
00:02:28,646 --> 00:02:32,249
Six years ago today,
27
00:02:32,251 --> 00:02:34,550
18 men, all of whom are here,
28
00:02:34,552 --> 00:02:37,387
chose one celebrity, put
$500 into a bank account.
29
00:02:37,389 --> 00:02:41,324
We then made a gentleman's agreement
that whoever's celebrity died first,
30
00:02:41,326 --> 00:02:44,595
that man would walk away with $9,000.
31
00:02:44,597 --> 00:02:46,530
And what's the total now, Tommy?
32
00:02:46,532 --> 00:02:49,632
A staggering, a shocking,
33
00:02:49,634 --> 00:02:52,768
may I say life-altering amount:
34
00:02:52,770 --> 00:02:56,373
$567,000!
35
00:02:56,375 --> 00:02:59,409
You could buy a lot of weed with that.
36
00:02:59,411 --> 00:03:03,447
So you want Hasselhoff to die, but
you also booked his after-party.
37
00:03:03,449 --> 00:03:06,616
- Isn't that a conflict of interest?
- I like to hedge my bets.
38
00:03:06,618 --> 00:03:11,854
I'm just curious. Would you rather have
the money or a lifetime of awful karma?
39
00:03:11,856 --> 00:03:14,391
Come on, so you want to have
the wedding at Chuck E. Cheese?
40
00:03:14,393 --> 00:03:17,494
They have a house band there.
It's all animatronic robots.
41
00:03:17,496 --> 00:03:19,296
I mean, if it's cool with
you, it's cool with me.
42
00:03:19,298 --> 00:03:21,298
Oh, it's definitely cool with me.
43
00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:22,632
Sounds like the best wedding ever.
44
00:03:22,634 --> 00:03:24,534
You don't even have to buy gifts.
45
00:03:24,536 --> 00:03:26,403
You could win them with tickets.
46
00:03:26,405 --> 00:03:28,971
It's amazing. Why is no one doing this?
47
00:03:28,973 --> 00:03:32,441
Time to re-ante it. Let
me hear it people. Come on.
48
00:03:34,379 --> 00:03:38,781
With these contracts, so begins
the Celebrity Death Pool 2016.
49
00:03:40,985 --> 00:03:42,352
Yes!
50
00:03:42,354 --> 00:03:45,756
Whoo!
51
00:03:45,758 --> 00:03:49,660
I remember a friend of mine once saying to
me, "A joint checking account with Chris?
52
00:03:49,662 --> 00:03:52,495
Chris Kim?" And, of course, I objected.
53
00:03:52,497 --> 00:03:54,597
Ann, your trust will soon be rewarded.
54
00:03:54,599 --> 00:03:58,067
This is gonna be our year. This
man is definitely going to die.
55
00:03:58,069 --> 00:03:59,803
I can feel it in my motherfucking bones.
56
00:03:59,805 --> 00:04:01,772
- Huh?
- You're pathetic.
57
00:04:01,774 --> 00:04:03,906
Thank you. I just want you to know,
58
00:04:03,908 --> 00:04:07,477
I'm doing this god-awful,
terrible thing for us.
59
00:04:07,479 --> 00:04:08,514
Love you.
60
00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:14,317
Yeah, yeah, I know. It's a little sad
that we bet on celebrities to die,
61
00:04:14,319 --> 00:04:16,755
but hey, what can I say...
I don't have many hobbies.
62
00:04:17,723 --> 00:04:20,089
Think maybe he's dead?
63
00:04:20,091 --> 00:04:21,992
Fish, did you kill yourself?
64
00:04:21,994 --> 00:04:24,860
Because if you didn't kill
yourself, answer the door.
65
00:04:24,862 --> 00:04:27,464
- Hey.
- Hey.
66
00:04:27,466 --> 00:04:30,470
- Six years and you've never missed a re-ante.
- Where were you, buddy?
67
00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:36,473
Well, where shall I start?
68
00:04:36,475 --> 00:04:39,909
Oh, I know. My girlfriend's
being probed on a regular basis
69
00:04:39,911 --> 00:04:43,846
by some Antonio Banderas-looking
motherfucker with a massive dick.
70
00:04:43,848 --> 00:04:46,349
- So there's that.
- What are you talking about?
71
00:04:46,351 --> 00:04:50,586
Yesterday, I accidentally hacked into
Jenn's Facebook account, like I normally do,
72
00:04:50,588 --> 00:04:53,389
and I'm reading her
in-box, two messages in,
73
00:04:53,391 --> 00:04:57,793
boom, there it is... a big description
of some bastard with a huge cock.
74
00:04:57,795 --> 00:04:59,495
What?
75
00:04:59,497 --> 00:05:00,632
Here it is.
76
00:05:01,699 --> 00:05:04,800
- Sebastian Hollingbone.
- Damn.
77
00:05:04,802 --> 00:05:07,904
I know, right? It's like he's born
to be on the cover of a romance novel.
78
00:05:07,906 --> 00:05:11,675
He is the Latin Fabio. Oh,
my God, he is beautiful.
79
00:05:11,677 --> 00:05:13,810
- Just chiseled and...
- All right, calm down, Tommy, thank you.
80
00:05:13,812 --> 00:05:15,911
- You're not fucking helping.
- Sorry. It's not natural.
81
00:05:15,913 --> 00:05:19,750
What exactly makes you think Jenn is
banging this roided out meathead anyway?
82
00:05:19,752 --> 00:05:21,784
Ah, this?
83
00:05:21,786 --> 00:05:23,053
And I shall recite.
84
00:05:23,055 --> 00:05:26,490
"I long to stroke on your foot-long cock,
85
00:05:26,492 --> 00:05:29,125
to lick it all over
from the base to the top.
86
00:05:29,127 --> 00:05:33,130
Once it is hard, I'd like it inside me
87
00:05:33,132 --> 00:05:36,166
to poke and to prod and
to lead me to ecstasy. "
88
00:05:40,105 --> 00:05:42,738
Fuck! I've got to stop reading it!
89
00:05:42,740 --> 00:05:45,509
- Damn, that is graphic.
- I mean, what the fuck?
90
00:05:45,511 --> 00:05:47,711
Almost three years,
91
00:05:47,713 --> 00:05:49,812
and she's writing this guy dick poetry.
92
00:05:49,814 --> 00:05:51,947
Okay, yeah, that is a cock poem.
93
00:05:51,949 --> 00:05:56,019
But on the bright side,
it is a terrible cock poem.
94
00:05:56,021 --> 00:05:59,488
Yeah. The meter's abysmal.
The rhymes are forced.
95
00:05:59,490 --> 00:06:01,524
She'll never get it published.
96
00:06:01,526 --> 00:06:03,793
- So that's what you're telling me?
- Yeah.
97
00:06:03,795 --> 00:06:05,861
That it's not going to get published?
98
00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:11,500
You fucking dickheads!
That's not the point!
99
00:06:11,502 --> 00:06:14,103
The point is why is she doing it?
100
00:06:14,105 --> 00:06:16,576
Jenn's barely even touched
my tiny knob recently...
101
00:06:17,910 --> 00:06:22,878
let alone use iambic
pentameter to describe it.
102
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,949
And now I know why. Because of Sebastian.
103
00:06:25,951 --> 00:06:28,017
Every fucking picture of him is shirtless.
104
00:06:28,019 --> 00:06:30,586
It's like he's allergic to shirts.
105
00:06:30,588 --> 00:06:31,855
- I wear shirts.
- Yeah, you do.
106
00:06:31,857 --> 00:06:34,057
- You got shirts, yeah?
- Wearing a shirt right now.
107
00:06:34,059 --> 00:06:35,724
Yeah, because you're fucking normal.
108
00:06:35,726 --> 00:06:36,892
Mm.
109
00:06:39,665 --> 00:06:42,968
Okay, dude, dude, come on. Come
on, man, fuck this guy. Fuck Jenn.
110
00:06:43,999 --> 00:06:47,319
Yeah, who the hell does she think she's
cheating on? You're Paul "The Fish" Fishman.
111
00:06:48,105 --> 00:06:49,608
Thanks, Tommy.
112
00:06:50,709 --> 00:06:52,509
But I've got to be honest.
113
00:06:52,511 --> 00:06:54,978
I don't have a very big dick.
114
00:06:54,980 --> 00:06:56,579
Okay, you know, neither do I.
115
00:06:56,581 --> 00:06:59,582
More of a Korean genetic
thing, but that's fine.
116
00:06:59,584 --> 00:07:01,485
That's why we own a Hollywood club.
117
00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:03,752
We overcompensate. That's what we do.
118
00:07:03,754 --> 00:07:06,889
Once we renovate, you'll be
knee-deep in all the pussy
119
00:07:06,891 --> 00:07:10,694
a 25 percent investor with a
mediocre member can handle, huh?
120
00:07:10,696 --> 00:07:12,562
How do you like that?
121
00:07:12,564 --> 00:07:15,731
I think obviously that...
that sounds good, you know.
122
00:07:15,733 --> 00:07:17,567
But I think I'm losing it.
123
00:07:17,569 --> 00:07:19,639
You know, everywhere
I look I see Sebastian.
124
00:07:20,771 --> 00:07:21,774
Everywhere.
125
00:07:23,175 --> 00:07:26,108
He's behind you, by the
way, mocking my tiny penis.
126
00:07:28,180 --> 00:07:32,048
Hey, gotta remain positive. Where's
the old optimistic Fish? Come on.
127
00:07:32,050 --> 00:07:34,017
I don't know.
128
00:07:34,019 --> 00:07:37,219
I think he's been defeated
by Sebastian's Hollingbone.
129
00:07:37,221 --> 00:07:40,957
Dude, I need you to be strong for
me. I really need you right now.
130
00:07:40,959 --> 00:07:43,726
- Ahh!
- Okay, I'm sorry, okay?
131
00:07:43,728 --> 00:07:45,262
- I just...
- Shaking me all the time.
132
00:07:45,264 --> 00:07:46,562
- I'm sorry.
- You know?
133
00:07:46,564 --> 00:07:47,764
Breakups suck, I get it.
134
00:07:47,766 --> 00:07:49,065
You have nothing to worry about, okay?
135
00:07:49,067 --> 00:07:51,200
Look, blue skies ahead, buddy.
136
00:07:51,202 --> 00:07:53,135
You gotta buck the fuck up.
137
00:07:53,137 --> 00:07:56,740
David Hasselhoff's throwing an after-party
at your nightclub this Saturday.
138
00:07:56,742 --> 00:07:58,173
- The Hoff?
- The Hoff.
139
00:07:58,175 --> 00:07:59,909
- Is he gonna sing?
- Yes.
140
00:07:59,911 --> 00:08:01,077
- Oh.
- No!
141
00:08:01,079 --> 00:08:02,312
- No?
- No.
142
00:08:02,314 --> 00:08:03,579
Okay, good.
143
00:08:03,581 --> 00:08:05,248
I'll try and make it.
144
00:08:05,250 --> 00:08:08,651
If I'm still of sound body and mind.
145
00:08:12,324 --> 00:08:13,990
Wait, wait.
146
00:08:13,992 --> 00:08:15,858
That... That feels weird.
147
00:08:15,860 --> 00:08:17,226
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Don't cry.
148
00:08:17,228 --> 00:08:19,896
So yeah, I had Hasselhoff
in the death pool
149
00:08:19,898 --> 00:08:22,298
and was also hosting
his after-party.
150
00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:24,868
I mean, just because I
want Hasselhoff to die
151
00:08:24,870 --> 00:08:27,336
doesn't mean that I'm not going to
try to make a couple of bucks off him
152
00:08:27,338 --> 00:08:30,272
while he's still
alive... It's a win-win.
153
00:08:36,181 --> 00:08:38,949
There he is. Here's my guy. Come on.
154
00:08:38,951 --> 00:08:41,785
Not you, hey. Hey. Hello. How are you?
155
00:08:41,787 --> 00:08:43,185
- Oh.
- Hi, Tommy.
156
00:08:43,187 --> 00:08:45,821
- Hey, you must be real proud of this guy.
- Yeah, I am.
157
00:08:45,823 --> 00:08:47,056
Refill?
158
00:08:47,058 --> 00:08:49,092
- Yes, please.
- Zoink.
159
00:08:49,094 --> 00:08:53,162
So, Ann, where's Susan?
160
00:08:53,164 --> 00:08:55,230
Tommy, I'm sorry,
161
00:08:55,232 --> 00:08:57,633
but my roommate's never
gonna sleep with you.
162
00:08:57,635 --> 00:09:00,936
- She's engaged.
- I forgot that she's engaged.
163
00:09:00,938 --> 00:09:04,974
Why does she have to be engaged, because
engaged people can't have sex with other people.
164
00:09:04,976 --> 00:09:07,243
But wait, they can.
165
00:09:07,245 --> 00:09:09,045
I'm gonna do it. I'm
gonna have sex with her,
166
00:09:09,047 --> 00:09:11,314
and you can't actually stop
me from having sex with her
167
00:09:11,316 --> 00:09:14,184
because I'm already having sex
with her in my head right now.
168
00:09:14,186 --> 00:09:15,785
Ohh. Ahh.
169
00:09:15,787 --> 00:09:17,320
Okay, yeah, that's very nice, Susan.
170
00:09:17,322 --> 00:09:21,023
Oh, don't make Ann watch. That's... Whoa.
171
00:09:21,025 --> 00:09:23,161
- Stop.
- Copy that.
172
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:29,268
Dolores.
173
00:09:31,135 --> 00:09:32,969
Fishman, you okay?
174
00:09:32,971 --> 00:09:36,305
Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I'm...
175
00:09:36,307 --> 00:09:38,174
- No. Yep.
- Good lad.
176
00:09:38,176 --> 00:09:40,877
- I...
- All right, everyone,
177
00:09:40,879 --> 00:09:46,148
let's give a warm welcome
to our founder and CEO,
178
00:09:46,150 --> 00:09:47,852
Mr. Richard Mayweather.
179
00:09:50,889 --> 00:09:53,989
All right, let's get down to business.
180
00:09:53,991 --> 00:09:58,127
Now, company profits have
stalled in the third quarter.
181
00:09:58,129 --> 00:10:03,098
I've been thinking long and hard
about how to turn things around,
182
00:10:03,100 --> 00:10:04,968
and here's some thoughts.
183
00:10:04,970 --> 00:10:09,973
I want you to consider the
difference between steel and pudding.
184
00:10:09,975 --> 00:10:12,941
They're both made out of molecules.
185
00:10:12,943 --> 00:10:14,911
Oh, God! Sebastian!
186
00:10:18,115 --> 00:10:21,984
It seems, my lady, that my
manhood has sprung to attention.
187
00:10:21,986 --> 00:10:27,991
My dew-soaked ladydom awaits your staff!
188
00:10:27,993 --> 00:10:30,359
- Ohh!
- I wish to ravish you on this table!
189
00:10:30,361 --> 00:10:33,228
Sebastian! Yes, please!
190
00:10:33,230 --> 00:10:36,232
- No!
- Ravish away, Sebastian.
191
00:10:36,234 --> 00:10:38,868
- My previous lover never gave me...
- No, don't... don't do that!
192
00:10:38,870 --> 00:10:40,335
That's right, Fishman.
193
00:10:40,337 --> 00:10:43,006
We can no longer stay passive.
194
00:10:45,811 --> 00:10:49,478
My desire must be sated in
the most forbidden of places.
195
00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:54,117
Now dispose of your skirt and
prepare to receive many sweet reams.
196
00:10:54,119 --> 00:10:57,389
- Oh, yes!
- No!
197
00:11:04,096 --> 00:11:06,429
You mother...
198
00:11:06,431 --> 00:11:08,098
I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!
199
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:10,967
I'll rip your love muscle
right off! Do you hear me?
200
00:11:10,969 --> 00:11:15,003
I'll kill you!
201
00:11:15,005 --> 00:11:17,172
♪ I got that feeling
And it's so appealing ♪
202
00:11:17,174 --> 00:11:19,209
♪ And what I'm
feeling Is thrilling ♪
203
00:11:19,211 --> 00:11:21,344
♪ It's that sexual healing ♪
204
00:11:21,346 --> 00:11:23,412
This is gonna be a big money night!
205
00:11:23,414 --> 00:11:25,016
It fucking better be.
206
00:11:26,851 --> 00:11:30,152
Chris, you worry too much
about money. Now look at me.
207
00:11:30,154 --> 00:11:35,324
I have two pairs of pants, two pairs
of shirts, no underwear and I'm happy.
208
00:11:35,326 --> 00:11:37,259
Yeah, 'cause you're always high.
209
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:40,028
Yeah, I forgot about that.
210
00:11:40,030 --> 00:11:42,098
You even have weed in your hair.
211
00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:43,469
Just a big...
212
00:11:47,304 --> 00:11:49,839
I've been looking all over for you.
213
00:11:49,841 --> 00:11:52,342
I better go smoke this.
214
00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:57,012
Now if I'm not back in 20 minutes,
it means I forgot to come back.
215
00:11:57,014 --> 00:11:59,181
- Now what was I doing again?
- Good luck, Rob.
216
00:11:59,183 --> 00:12:02,788
Every time he walks away, I feel like
it's the last time I'll ever see him.
217
00:12:04,355 --> 00:12:06,922
Amazing tonight, everybody.
218
00:12:06,924 --> 00:12:08,824
Simply amazing.
219
00:12:08,826 --> 00:12:11,861
"Has he still got it?"
Hell, you never lost it.
220
00:12:11,863 --> 00:12:15,031
Whoo-hoo! Habitat, here we come.
221
00:12:17,434 --> 00:12:19,002
Barry?
222
00:12:19,004 --> 00:12:21,503
Let's go to Orchid.
223
00:12:21,505 --> 00:12:23,108
Orchid it is.
224
00:12:25,243 --> 00:12:27,544
♪ I get that feeling
And it's so appealing ♪
225
00:12:27,546 --> 00:12:30,282
♪ And what I'm feeling ♪
226
00:12:32,484 --> 00:12:36,451
Hey, Barry, everything is all
set for Mr. Hasselhoff's arrival.
227
00:12:36,453 --> 00:12:38,287
So what's the ETA?
228
00:12:38,289 --> 00:12:41,190
Chris, unfortunately we're not
going to be able to make it tonight.
229
00:12:41,192 --> 00:12:43,959
Mr. Hasselhoff has changed his mind.
230
00:12:43,961 --> 00:12:45,460
One of his many talents.
231
00:12:45,462 --> 00:12:46,996
What the hell are you talking about?
232
00:12:46,998 --> 00:12:49,431
Well, we need someplace a
little fancier, you know?
233
00:12:49,433 --> 00:12:51,600
Are you fucking kidding me? We had a deal!
234
00:12:51,602 --> 00:12:55,037
You are mistaken if you think
that cussing and the yelling
235
00:12:55,039 --> 00:12:58,273
is gonna make us magically
appear at your shitty little club.
236
00:12:58,275 --> 00:13:01,243
Let me speak to David
Hasselhoff directly please.
237
00:13:01,245 --> 00:13:03,414
Bye, cocksucker. Good-bye.
238
00:13:05,850 --> 00:13:07,517
Hello?
239
00:13:07,519 --> 00:13:10,523
Fuck! He's not coming.
240
00:13:13,225 --> 00:13:14,894
Maybe I should go home.
241
00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:26,035
Boss, we got us a little problem.
242
00:13:26,037 --> 00:13:27,936
- Who's in the VIP suite?
- Gina D'Andrea.
243
00:13:27,938 --> 00:13:30,172
- And that's a problem why?
- She's only 16.
244
00:13:30,174 --> 00:13:33,075
- What?
- And it shows that you signed off on her,
245
00:13:33,077 --> 00:13:35,878
which is weird as hell 'cause
the girl's on a kid's TV show.
246
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:37,479
♪ Say no Gotta learn, learn ♪
247
00:13:37,481 --> 00:13:39,281
♪ Gotta learn how to say no ♪
248
00:13:39,283 --> 00:13:40,349
♪ You gotta learn
How to say no ♪
249
00:13:40,351 --> 00:13:41,584
♪ Gotta learn, learn ♪
250
00:13:41,586 --> 00:13:43,286
♪ Gotta learn how to say no ♪
251
00:13:43,288 --> 00:13:44,587
♪ You gotta learn
How to say no ♪
252
00:13:44,589 --> 00:13:45,921
♪ Gotta learn, learn ♪
253
00:13:45,923 --> 00:13:47,456
♪ Gotta learn how to say no ♪
254
00:13:47,458 --> 00:13:48,892
♪ Everybody just say no ♪
255
00:13:48,894 --> 00:13:49,993
♪ Gotta learn, learn ♪
256
00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:51,294
♪ Gotta learn how to say no ♪
257
00:13:51,296 --> 00:13:54,296
- Oh, shit.
- You Ricky's dude with the "X"?
258
00:13:54,298 --> 00:13:55,964
No, I'm the owner.
259
00:13:55,966 --> 00:13:58,166
Well, your name ain't on
the guest list, partner.
260
00:13:58,168 --> 00:14:02,238
What? The owner ain't gots to
be on the guest list, homie!
261
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:06,608
Hey, let him in, he's cute. I've always
wanted to have sex with a tiny Asian man.
262
00:14:06,610 --> 00:14:07,947
It's on my fuck-it list.
263
00:14:09,246 --> 00:14:12,515
- Hi, I need to talk...
- Don't talk, eat this.
264
00:14:12,517 --> 00:14:15,550
- What was that?
- It's a lude, man.
265
00:14:15,552 --> 00:14:18,186
Lude? What the fuck are you? A Vietnam vet?
266
00:14:18,188 --> 00:14:21,190
Shh. No negativity here.
267
00:14:21,192 --> 00:14:23,059
Positive vibes only.
268
00:14:23,061 --> 00:14:25,228
You need to grow.
269
00:14:25,230 --> 00:14:28,131
- Speaking of grow...
- Ohh! No, no! No!
270
00:14:28,133 --> 00:14:29,699
Mom!
271
00:14:29,701 --> 00:14:32,535
Oh.
272
00:14:32,537 --> 00:14:36,339
It's always so good to see my
little girl making new fuck buddies.
273
00:14:36,341 --> 00:14:38,340
- You're her mom?
- Yeah.
274
00:14:38,342 --> 00:14:42,311
We're just trying to ditch that kiddy
star rap and stir up some controversy.
275
00:14:42,313 --> 00:14:45,047
No, no, okay, well, this time is over.
276
00:14:45,049 --> 00:14:47,550
What the fuck is going on in my VIP suite?
277
00:14:47,552 --> 00:14:49,285
Oh, my...
278
00:14:49,287 --> 00:14:52,454
And the mom? You disgust me.
279
00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:56,325
I will not stand by and have you turn this
280
00:14:56,327 --> 00:14:59,429
Judeo-Christian friendly,
Hollywood nightclub
281
00:14:59,431 --> 00:15:02,732
into a fucking whorehouse, huh?
282
00:15:02,734 --> 00:15:06,502
So, Grace Jones, stop making
out with White Grace Jones.
283
00:15:06,504 --> 00:15:11,206
Girl from the ring, Flacco and
Chalupa, pack up your dildos,
284
00:15:11,208 --> 00:15:16,012
batten down your anal beads and take
this orgy to the streets where you belong.
285
00:15:16,014 --> 00:15:19,315
Because this party is over.
286
00:15:19,317 --> 00:15:21,617
This party ain't over until
I say it's over, bitch.
287
00:15:23,455 --> 00:15:25,454
Ah! Ah! Ah!
288
00:15:25,456 --> 00:15:28,257
My eyes! My eyes!
289
00:15:32,629 --> 00:15:35,464
Insanity outside a Hollywood
nightclub last night,
290
00:15:35,466 --> 00:15:38,401
a huge star being
smuggled out undercover
291
00:15:38,403 --> 00:15:42,004
after claims of being sexually
abused by the nightclub owner.
292
00:15:42,006 --> 00:15:46,209
So who is this woman? It's
child star Gina D'Andrea,
293
00:15:46,211 --> 00:15:50,546
claiming that Chris Kim, owner of Hollywood
club Habitat, sexually assaulted her.
294
00:15:50,548 --> 00:15:53,018
She says that he put
his face in her crotch.
295
00:16:24,182 --> 00:16:26,581
- Annie, listen...
- I don't want to hear it, Chris.
296
00:16:26,583 --> 00:16:28,217
I mean, seriously,
297
00:16:28,219 --> 00:16:30,752
I feel like this is a bad dream.
298
00:16:30,754 --> 00:16:33,055
Me too! It's a fucking nightmare!
299
00:16:33,057 --> 00:16:35,223
I just... I know you're furious,
300
00:16:35,225 --> 00:16:36,559
but can you at least hear me out?
301
00:16:36,561 --> 00:16:38,393
How long have you been
doing stuff like this?
302
00:16:38,395 --> 00:16:41,363
Do what? I haven't done
anything they said I did.
303
00:16:41,365 --> 00:16:44,467
Really? So you weren't doing
coke and groping an underage girl?
304
00:16:44,469 --> 00:16:47,103
I saw it, Chris. The whole world saw it.
305
00:16:47,105 --> 00:16:49,604
My mom called me crying last night.
306
00:16:49,606 --> 00:16:51,741
Fuck. Your mom saw it.
307
00:16:51,743 --> 00:16:53,508
Everybody's mom saw it!
308
00:16:53,510 --> 00:16:57,412
This is a ridiculous
misunderstanding. You gotta believe me.
309
00:16:57,414 --> 00:17:01,450
You know I'm a teacher, Chris.
My students watch her show.
310
00:17:01,452 --> 00:17:03,788
Just imagine what I'm going
to deal with at work tomorrow.
311
00:17:04,588 --> 00:17:06,090
Annie.
312
00:17:09,193 --> 00:17:10,559
Will you just go?
313
00:17:10,561 --> 00:17:13,031
Please. Just go.
314
00:17:14,298 --> 00:17:15,500
Annie...
315
00:17:31,482 --> 00:17:34,549
I'm broke, lost my fiancée...
316
00:17:34,551 --> 00:17:36,719
and The Hoff just won't die.
317
00:17:36,721 --> 00:17:39,354
Can we change the sad music, please?
318
00:17:39,356 --> 00:17:41,160
God, I'm pathetic.
319
00:17:45,864 --> 00:17:48,363
- You wearing a wire?
- Why would I wear a wire?
320
00:17:48,365 --> 00:17:50,533
You know what? That's exactly what
people say when they are wearing a wire.
321
00:17:50,535 --> 00:17:51,769
Now it's time to spread 'em.
322
00:17:52,903 --> 00:17:54,437
Fine. Go ahead.
323
00:17:54,439 --> 00:17:56,671
Sorry. Just doing my job, guy.
324
00:17:56,673 --> 00:18:01,209
Hey, is your job supposed to be checking for
a tiny listening device strapped to my taint?
325
00:18:01,211 --> 00:18:04,580
- In a sense, that's exactly what it is.
- Fantastic.
326
00:18:04,582 --> 00:18:06,449
Your mother must be very proud.
327
00:18:06,451 --> 00:18:09,619
Yeah, she is, actually. I'm her favorite.
328
00:18:09,621 --> 00:18:11,520
Where do you fall in your
family's pecking order?
329
00:18:11,522 --> 00:18:13,082
I'm guessing somewhere near the bottom.
330
00:18:14,826 --> 00:18:17,293
- I saw you on TV this morning.
- I didn't do it.
331
00:18:17,295 --> 00:18:21,163
- Not any of it.
- Yeah, the old "I didn't do it. "
332
00:18:21,165 --> 00:18:24,199
Popular phrase in this town.
Unfortunately, it doesn't always work.
333
00:18:24,201 --> 00:18:25,336
Mm.
334
00:18:28,605 --> 00:18:31,540
- Okay.
- Oh.
335
00:18:31,542 --> 00:18:33,441
- No.
- Oh, okay.
336
00:18:33,443 --> 00:18:35,878
Mr. Kim, so today is payday.
337
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:39,548
Mr. Wasserstein, um, I'm
actually asking for an extension.
338
00:18:39,550 --> 00:18:42,617
An extension? That's, uh...
That's a ballsy request.
339
00:18:42,619 --> 00:18:46,255
No, um, I just need a little
more time. Just-Just anything...
340
00:18:46,257 --> 00:18:50,793
Mr. Kim, if you'll indulge me a brief story.
I call it, "The Parable of the Loaves. "
341
00:18:50,795 --> 00:18:52,498
Jesus Christ.
342
00:18:54,965 --> 00:18:59,235
Years ago, there was a
10-year-old boy living in Brooklyn.
343
00:18:59,237 --> 00:19:02,371
His mother was crazy, his father a drunk.
344
00:19:02,373 --> 00:19:06,709
So naturally, he had to fend
for himself most of the time,
345
00:19:06,711 --> 00:19:11,380
and in that he was hungry, he took to
stealing scraps of bread from a local baker.
346
00:19:11,382 --> 00:19:13,315
They knew, and it was no big deal.
347
00:19:13,317 --> 00:19:16,419
But soon enough, the boy got cocky.
348
00:19:16,421 --> 00:19:18,520
He started stealing more and more.
349
00:19:18,522 --> 00:19:21,990
Now, the baker had a son around
the same age as this little boy.
350
00:19:21,992 --> 00:19:25,894
And one day, the baker's
son witnessed the boy
351
00:19:25,896 --> 00:19:30,333
stuffing an entire loaf of bread
down into his drawstring pantaloons.
352
00:19:30,335 --> 00:19:33,436
Now stealing scraps, that's one thing.
353
00:19:33,438 --> 00:19:37,640
But I'm sure you would agree an entire
loaf, well, that's another matter entirely.
354
00:19:37,642 --> 00:19:42,311
So for three months, the
baker's son beat the boy bloody
355
00:19:42,313 --> 00:19:45,480
until it was certain that
he had learned his lesson.
356
00:19:45,482 --> 00:19:50,853
Um, that boy who stole
the bread... that was you?
357
00:19:50,855 --> 00:19:54,289
What? No, fuck, no. No, I was the
boy who beat the shit out of that boy.
358
00:19:54,291 --> 00:19:56,392
I was the baker's son.
The point is this, Mr. Kim.
359
00:19:56,394 --> 00:19:58,561
You owe me $400,000,
360
00:19:58,563 --> 00:20:03,365
and I really enjoy beating the shit
out of people who steal from me.
361
00:20:03,367 --> 00:20:05,301
I just need a little breathing room.
362
00:20:05,303 --> 00:20:07,902
Mr. Kim, I believe that you
should consider your breathing room
363
00:20:07,904 --> 00:20:10,805
as the fact that you are now
currently still breathing.
364
00:20:10,807 --> 00:20:11,809
Oh.
365
00:20:14,878 --> 00:20:17,613
Now you gave me your word
that you would give me the 400K
366
00:20:17,615 --> 00:20:20,315
on a date that we both
agreed upon, Mr. Kim.
367
00:20:20,317 --> 00:20:24,853
If one man cannot take another
man's word, all order is lost.
368
00:20:24,855 --> 00:20:28,524
And still, Mr. Kim, I'm rooting for you.
369
00:20:28,526 --> 00:20:31,296
Nick however, not so much.
370
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,401
You have 72 hours beginning now, Mr. Kim.
371
00:20:39,403 --> 00:20:41,504
Okay. Thank you, sir.
372
00:20:45,509 --> 00:20:48,576
You know, you really could have supported me
just a little bit more with the bread story.
373
00:20:48,578 --> 00:20:50,946
Well, you and your hyperbole.
Now it's a whole loaf?
374
00:20:50,948 --> 00:20:52,314
Now I'm being... I'm being hyperbolic?
375
00:20:52,316 --> 00:20:55,750
Yes, it's a whole loaf that he's
stuffing into a pair of drawstring?
376
00:20:55,752 --> 00:20:57,452
That's the whole point of the story.
377
00:20:57,454 --> 00:21:00,088
It starts nice with a little
scrap. I mean, look at...
378
00:21:00,090 --> 00:21:02,525
He's looking at me like
then what, then what?
379
00:21:02,527 --> 00:21:04,759
You said pantaloons. You said pantaloons.
380
00:21:04,761 --> 00:21:06,796
- That's exactly what he was wearing.
- Whatever. Okay.
381
00:21:06,798 --> 00:21:08,998
- He had the pantaloons. That's what I had.
- Maybe you're right.
382
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,633
He had pantaloons. I had
dungarees. He had pantaloons.
383
00:21:11,635 --> 00:21:14,336
- And I watched him stuffing it. It might have been a bun.
- Maybe you're right.
384
00:21:14,338 --> 00:21:15,603
Ah, go fuck yourself.
385
00:21:15,605 --> 00:21:17,739
Let's go down the list.
386
00:21:17,741 --> 00:21:21,043
I'm accused of dealing drugs,
serving alcohol to a minor,
387
00:21:21,045 --> 00:21:23,112
sexual assault on that minor,
388
00:21:23,114 --> 00:21:26,949
so Ann kicked me out, plus I owe
400 grand to a goddamn psychopath
389
00:21:26,951 --> 00:21:29,584
and my last hope investor
lost his fucking mind.
390
00:21:29,586 --> 00:21:32,087
- Uh, Fish.
- Yeah, Fish.
391
00:21:32,089 --> 00:21:34,390
His brain melted.
392
00:21:34,392 --> 00:21:37,992
A 5150 in some 72-hour psychiatric hold.
393
00:21:37,994 --> 00:21:39,830
This is some heavy shit.
394
00:21:41,098 --> 00:21:42,832
Damn it, Chris, why'd
you go to Wasserstein?
395
00:21:42,834 --> 00:21:45,968
It was because I'm desperate, Tommy.
396
00:21:45,970 --> 00:21:49,705
I will help you with anything you need.
397
00:21:49,707 --> 00:21:52,040
So you'll lend me the money?
398
00:21:52,042 --> 00:21:56,612
I would love to give you the money,
but I don't have the money, okay?
399
00:21:56,614 --> 00:21:59,914
Work's not going great.
The last two shows failed.
400
00:21:59,916 --> 00:22:02,884
Look, if Redneck Atheist
works out, then we're good.
401
00:22:02,886 --> 00:22:07,555
- But I gotta tell you this thing's being real hard to cast.
- No, no. Uh, no.
402
00:22:07,557 --> 00:22:12,460
- Thanks. It's my shit storm, so I'll take care of it.
- I tell you what I can do.
403
00:22:12,462 --> 00:22:14,432
I could talk to Ann. She trusts me.
404
00:22:18,568 --> 00:22:21,605
I'll go over there and explain that
you don't touch kids... anymore.
405
00:22:38,756 --> 00:22:40,155
Come on!
406
00:22:46,998 --> 00:22:48,866
Come on!
407
00:22:51,501 --> 00:22:54,437
Fuck!
408
00:22:54,439 --> 00:22:56,705
Fuck you! Fuck!
409
00:22:56,707 --> 00:22:58,443
Piece of shit!
410
00:23:11,021 --> 00:23:14,125
Oh, come on. Fresh garbage, buddy.
411
00:23:17,795 --> 00:23:20,563
David Hasselhoff?
412
00:23:20,565 --> 00:23:23,769
Yeah! This will fetch so many
deutsche marks on the market.
413
00:23:25,169 --> 00:23:27,036
Even the hobo loves The Hoff.
414
00:23:27,038 --> 00:23:29,171
Let me guess. German.
415
00:23:29,173 --> 00:23:31,673
Why does everybody keep saying
that about me? It's so strange.
416
00:23:31,675 --> 00:23:34,142
But enough about me. What's
wrong with you? You look so sad.
417
00:23:34,144 --> 00:23:35,944
You're like a sad, sad man.
418
00:23:35,946 --> 00:23:38,113
Speak to me, sad man, of your sadness.
419
00:23:38,115 --> 00:23:42,116
I feel like the whole world is
taking a gigantic piss on my head.
420
00:23:42,118 --> 00:23:45,720
I can relate to this so hard. Just this
morning, a little schnauzer pissed on my face.
421
00:23:45,722 --> 00:23:48,123
But it's okay, it's karma. You know why?
422
00:23:48,125 --> 00:23:51,594
Because two days ago, I was
urinating on his face. What?
423
00:23:51,596 --> 00:23:54,900
When life shits on you,
you shit right back.
424
00:23:59,636 --> 00:24:01,170
Yes.
425
00:24:01,172 --> 00:24:03,738
That actually makes a
lot of sense right now.
426
00:24:03,740 --> 00:24:05,607
Oh, I know, right?
427
00:24:05,609 --> 00:24:07,709
It's why I fling feces
at people I don't like.
428
00:24:07,711 --> 00:24:09,777
Not you though. You're very, very nice.
429
00:24:09,779 --> 00:24:13,516
You're like a Mr. Miyagi with a
toupee minus 20 years and 20 pounds.
430
00:24:13,518 --> 00:24:16,188
You're like waxing on and
off all day long. I love you.
431
00:24:17,654 --> 00:24:19,414
Also, can I give you a
hand job for a dollar?
432
00:24:20,924 --> 00:24:22,991
- No?
- How about a beer?
433
00:24:22,993 --> 00:24:24,692
Okay.
434
00:24:24,694 --> 00:24:26,961
- You like to drink, probably?
- Yes, I'm a raging alcoholic.
435
00:24:26,963 --> 00:24:28,063
Okay.
436
00:24:29,700 --> 00:24:30,969
Shit.
437
00:24:35,673 --> 00:24:39,678
Hey, the hand job's on me.
438
00:24:56,594 --> 00:24:57,992
You eyeing me now?
439
00:24:57,994 --> 00:24:59,728
You want a go?
440
00:24:59,730 --> 00:25:01,997
You judge me all you want.
441
00:25:01,999 --> 00:25:05,199
It ain't my fault Mama's
Family was canceled in 1986.
442
00:25:05,201 --> 00:25:08,938
And like the Dark Knight said, it
is always darkest before the dawn.
443
00:25:08,940 --> 00:25:12,141
I am a good person, and I
am stronger than you know,
444
00:25:12,143 --> 00:25:14,343
and I will persevere with my dignity!
445
00:25:14,345 --> 00:25:15,713
Ahh!
446
00:25:17,914 --> 00:25:21,216
Annie? I'm not breaking in.
447
00:25:21,218 --> 00:25:23,719
I really need to talk to you.
448
00:25:23,721 --> 00:25:26,689
Shit's gotten really bad.
449
00:25:26,691 --> 00:25:29,057
I'm so sorry about what
happened the other night.
450
00:25:29,059 --> 00:25:30,793
I said a lot of things that I regret.
451
00:25:30,795 --> 00:25:32,227
Annie?
452
00:25:32,229 --> 00:25:34,865
Oh, no, no, no. Chris, hey, hey.
453
00:25:36,032 --> 00:25:37,632
Jesus Christ, really?
454
00:25:37,634 --> 00:25:39,602
You chose to come out
of the shower right now?
455
00:25:39,604 --> 00:25:41,003
What are you doing here?
456
00:25:41,005 --> 00:25:42,837
What am I doing here? What...
457
00:25:42,839 --> 00:25:44,606
So you said you were
going to talk to Ann, huh?
458
00:25:44,608 --> 00:25:46,307
- I did talk to...
- Huh, pal!
459
00:25:46,309 --> 00:25:48,043
- I-I did talk to her!
- Chris!
460
00:25:48,045 --> 00:25:49,045
Chris!
461
00:25:50,681 --> 00:25:52,347
Where's Susan?
462
00:25:52,349 --> 00:25:53,748
- I don't know.
- Oh.
463
00:25:53,750 --> 00:25:55,470
It's a sebaceous cyst. It's not a big deal.
464
00:26:04,327 --> 00:26:06,830
Fuck! Fuck!
465
00:26:14,337 --> 00:26:15,339
God!
466
00:26:29,886 --> 00:26:31,956
When life shits on you...
467
00:26:33,657 --> 00:26:35,891
you shit right back.
468
00:26:49,773 --> 00:26:50,805
Hi, Fish.
469
00:26:50,807 --> 00:26:52,408
Hey.
470
00:26:52,410 --> 00:26:54,308
I don't know how to play this game.
471
00:26:54,310 --> 00:26:56,714
- Is that mustache real?
- Of course it's real.
472
00:26:57,981 --> 00:27:00,982
I'm sorry. You're... You're looking good.
473
00:27:00,984 --> 00:27:04,018
Do you want a grilled cheese sandwich?
474
00:27:04,020 --> 00:27:05,453
No, I'm fine.
475
00:27:05,455 --> 00:27:06,755
- You sure?
- Yeah.
476
00:27:06,757 --> 00:27:09,357
I had the nurse make it. It's Colby.
477
00:27:09,359 --> 00:27:12,760
I'm actually in the middle
of a very exciting experiment.
478
00:27:12,762 --> 00:27:16,297
Every day, I get a different
sandwich with the same cheese in it.
479
00:27:16,299 --> 00:27:18,400
Which cheese is winning?
480
00:27:18,402 --> 00:27:21,105
Well, it's the same cheese
every time. It's a Colby.
481
00:27:23,907 --> 00:27:25,644
If you're not going to eat that...
482
00:27:27,411 --> 00:27:29,944
it's gonna go to waste.
483
00:27:29,946 --> 00:27:32,883
Because I'm telling you now,
Sebastian will not touch it.
484
00:27:34,719 --> 00:27:35,886
He's over there, look.
485
00:27:37,188 --> 00:27:38,857
Lifting weights. Look at him.
486
00:27:39,856 --> 00:27:41,222
So "muscley. "
487
00:27:41,224 --> 00:27:43,424
Don't stare at him. That's
what he wants you to do.
488
00:27:43,426 --> 00:27:44,927
He likes it when you look.
489
00:27:44,929 --> 00:27:47,265
God, I'm so sorry. You
really lost your mind.
490
00:27:48,398 --> 00:27:50,399
I don't think I've lost it.
491
00:27:50,401 --> 00:27:52,200
I think it's been misplaced.
492
00:27:52,202 --> 00:27:54,036
- Yeah. Yeah.
- That's why I'm here.
493
00:27:54,038 --> 00:27:56,939
- You know I'm looking for it. Searching around, you know?
- Mm-hmm.
494
00:27:56,941 --> 00:27:59,040
While we're on the subject of losing minds,
495
00:27:59,042 --> 00:28:01,879
I feel like I've... I've misplaced mine.
496
00:28:03,346 --> 00:28:05,080
I heard that you molested some kids.
497
00:28:05,082 --> 00:28:06,315
No.
498
00:28:06,317 --> 00:28:08,016
- No.
- What the fuck you doing that for?
499
00:28:08,018 --> 00:28:09,284
No.
500
00:28:09,286 --> 00:28:10,566
I'm only going off what I heard.
501
00:28:12,957 --> 00:28:16,124
I just found out that Ann is fucking Tommy.
502
00:28:16,126 --> 00:28:17,428
What the fuck?
503
00:28:19,163 --> 00:28:20,528
Ann is actually Tommy?
504
00:28:20,530 --> 00:28:22,396
No, no, no.
505
00:28:22,398 --> 00:28:24,134
- No.
- That makes sense.
506
00:28:25,803 --> 00:28:27,401
You can see it.
507
00:28:27,403 --> 00:28:29,283
They're never in the same
room at the same time.
508
00:28:30,473 --> 00:28:34,142
No, they are. They are, a lot.
509
00:28:34,144 --> 00:28:36,778
They're in the same room a
lot. That-That makes no sense.
510
00:28:36,780 --> 00:28:39,084
No, my best friend is fucking Ann.
511
00:28:40,351 --> 00:28:43,285
I am not! You know what, you get out!
512
00:28:43,287 --> 00:28:44,385
Security!
513
00:28:44,387 --> 00:28:46,154
Oh, g'day, mate.
514
00:28:46,156 --> 00:28:47,876
Just a, uh, another
grilled cheese sandwich.
515
00:28:48,925 --> 00:28:51,325
Yep. Two eyes. One pointer.
516
00:28:51,327 --> 00:28:52,494
Not you.
517
00:28:52,496 --> 00:28:54,129
Tommy.
518
00:28:54,131 --> 00:28:56,798
- Right.
- Yeah.
519
00:28:56,800 --> 00:28:58,068
I see.
520
00:28:59,036 --> 00:29:01,236
I'm not your best friend.
521
00:29:01,238 --> 00:29:03,505
I meant to say...
522
00:29:03,507 --> 00:29:05,507
Tommy's my second best friend.
523
00:29:05,509 --> 00:29:07,910
- Good. Okay.
- Yeah.
524
00:29:07,912 --> 00:29:09,577
That's more like it.
525
00:29:09,579 --> 00:29:12,817
In fact, that's classic
second best friend behavior.
526
00:29:14,250 --> 00:29:16,253
- I feel for you.
- Yeah.
527
00:29:17,387 --> 00:29:19,822
My life is in shambles, man.
528
00:29:19,824 --> 00:29:22,190
And the only way I can deal with it is,
529
00:29:22,192 --> 00:29:24,229
I have to kill Hasselhoff.
530
00:29:29,133 --> 00:29:30,332
Yeah.
531
00:29:30,334 --> 00:29:32,234
It's the only way to turn my life around.
532
00:29:32,236 --> 00:29:33,403
To win the death pool money.
533
00:29:34,872 --> 00:29:37,005
- He's had a pretty good life.
- Yes. Yeah.
534
00:29:37,007 --> 00:29:40,441
Exactly. And I'm not a murderer.
I don't want to do this.
535
00:29:40,443 --> 00:29:42,210
I'm not like Dexter or anything.
536
00:29:42,212 --> 00:29:44,112
- Fuck, no. You're not Dexter.
- No.
537
00:29:44,114 --> 00:29:45,380
- You kidding me?
- Yeah.
538
00:29:45,382 --> 00:29:48,482
- He plans things out. He's meticulous.
- Thank you.
539
00:29:48,484 --> 00:29:51,553
Shh, shh, shh. Just
keep things on the down.
540
00:29:51,555 --> 00:29:55,990
Before Sebastian and I became
buddies, I actually wrote a list
541
00:29:55,992 --> 00:30:00,996
in my journal of the many ways
I wanted to kill Sebastian.
542
00:30:00,998 --> 00:30:04,266
Now, it's pretty much endless.
543
00:30:04,268 --> 00:30:07,102
Well, it's three pages,
but check it out. Look.
544
00:30:07,104 --> 00:30:08,636
- Gun, okay?
- Mm-hmm.
545
00:30:08,638 --> 00:30:10,939
- Rope. Candlestick.
- Mm.
546
00:30:10,941 --> 00:30:13,475
I was playing a board game at the
time when I came up with those ones.
547
00:30:13,477 --> 00:30:14,910
Horse accident.
548
00:30:14,912 --> 00:30:17,379
Is he into horses? No.
549
00:30:17,381 --> 00:30:18,546
I don't think so.
550
00:30:18,548 --> 00:30:19,882
A monkey attack.
551
00:30:19,884 --> 00:30:21,917
Scarf caught in sidecar.
552
00:30:21,919 --> 00:30:24,151
- You got a sidecar? No.
- No.
553
00:30:24,153 --> 00:30:26,054
Mortal Kombat?
554
00:30:26,056 --> 00:30:27,389
- That... That's a game.
- Yeah.
555
00:30:27,391 --> 00:30:29,257
- Bullfight.
- Mm-hmm.
556
00:30:29,259 --> 00:30:30,992
Difficult.
557
00:30:30,994 --> 00:30:33,895
Funny berries? Just sort of
give it, get him to come over,
558
00:30:33,897 --> 00:30:37,199
"Hey, look at these funny
berries I found in your garden.
559
00:30:37,201 --> 00:30:40,134
I've had a couple. They're fine. "
560
00:30:40,136 --> 00:30:44,006
Sinkhole? You hear about those big holes
that suddenly appear? Was on the news.
561
00:30:44,008 --> 00:30:47,609
Half a town's been swallowed up?
Get him into one of those towns.
562
00:30:47,611 --> 00:30:52,046
Anyway, it's all in there. You take it,
all right? It's out of my hands now, see?
563
00:30:52,048 --> 00:30:54,583
Now don't show that to Sebastian
on your way out, will you?
564
00:30:54,585 --> 00:30:56,418
I know what you're thinking.
565
00:30:56,420 --> 00:31:00,391
I've mended my bridges. This
is for you to burn yours.
566
00:31:01,525 --> 00:31:03,424
- Thank you so much.
- Okay.
567
00:31:03,426 --> 00:31:05,462
- Thank you, Fish. Get well.
- All right, good.
568
00:31:06,430 --> 00:31:07,528
Wait!
569
00:31:07,530 --> 00:31:09,230
Check it out.
570
00:31:09,232 --> 00:31:12,034
David Hasselhoff has a shellfish allergy.
571
00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:14,702
- That's my phone.
- Yeah, sorry about that. I just...
572
00:31:14,704 --> 00:31:17,171
I've done learned a bit of
light-finger while I'm in here.
573
00:31:17,173 --> 00:31:19,507
Anyway, that could help
you out. Shellfish allergy.
574
00:31:19,509 --> 00:31:21,442
- Okay.
- Okay? All right. Go.
575
00:31:21,444 --> 00:31:22,510
Oh, wait.
576
00:31:22,512 --> 00:31:24,446
Here.
577
00:31:24,448 --> 00:31:28,216
Thirty "Lorazepaz," all right?
578
00:31:28,218 --> 00:31:31,486
It says on the label there do not mix with
grapefruit juice. Could cause fatal reaction.
579
00:31:31,488 --> 00:31:34,389
Might help you on your job.
580
00:31:34,391 --> 00:31:36,357
- Okay, thank you.
- Okay. Good.
581
00:31:36,359 --> 00:31:37,625
- Thank you.
- You know what I mean?
582
00:31:37,627 --> 00:31:39,529
- Yeah. Absolutely.
- Wait!
583
00:31:45,201 --> 00:31:46,434
Take that as well.
584
00:31:46,436 --> 00:31:48,605
Quick, before they see the switch.
585
00:31:52,675 --> 00:31:54,678
I'm fine.
586
00:31:56,512 --> 00:31:59,413
All right, time to kill Hasselhoff.
587
00:31:59,415 --> 00:32:02,217
To be clear, this isn't about me.
588
00:32:02,219 --> 00:32:05,219
I'm doing society a favor.
589
00:32:05,221 --> 00:32:08,992
Okay, maybe it is about me, but
I had to gather some intel first.
590
00:32:22,338 --> 00:32:24,506
Cover your gray chest hair.
591
00:32:24,508 --> 00:32:28,242
♪ David Hasselhoff ♪
592
00:32:28,244 --> 00:32:31,278
I come bearing wonderful gifts.
593
00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:33,782
Is your manager like
the penguin or something?
594
00:32:33,784 --> 00:32:37,318
Eight fantastic scripts.
595
00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:39,453
Not interested.
596
00:32:39,455 --> 00:32:42,356
What, didn't you get my e-mail last night?
597
00:32:42,358 --> 00:32:45,559
- Uh, yeah, I got it. Are you drinking again?
- No.
598
00:32:45,561 --> 00:32:49,131
No.
599
00:32:49,133 --> 00:32:51,199
So you were thinking clearly
600
00:32:51,201 --> 00:32:54,268
when you sent me that e-mail
that said two words...
601
00:32:54,270 --> 00:32:56,604
superhero musical?
602
00:32:56,606 --> 00:32:59,373
- Superhero musical?
- Let's go down the list.
603
00:32:59,375 --> 00:33:02,209
First of all, I have the voice of an angel.
604
00:33:02,211 --> 00:33:04,746
I look phenomenal in tights.
605
00:33:04,748 --> 00:33:09,484
I'm stronger than most men, even though I
don't have superhuman strength per se, I...
606
00:33:09,486 --> 00:33:12,353
Whoa! All right! Let's
just not forget something.
607
00:33:12,355 --> 00:33:15,257
You're David Hasselhoff.
You're not Christian Bale.
608
00:33:15,259 --> 00:33:16,591
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
609
00:33:16,593 --> 00:33:18,626
Let me finish.
610
00:33:18,628 --> 00:33:24,266
- Christian Bale wishes he was David Hasselhoff.
- Thank you.
611
00:33:24,268 --> 00:33:26,767
Come on, I'm super
famous all over the world.
612
00:33:26,769 --> 00:33:29,603
I mean, hell, in half of
Europe I am a goddamn superhero.
613
00:33:29,605 --> 00:33:31,806
Barry, I know what your problem is.
614
00:33:31,808 --> 00:33:35,309
When you look at me, you see this
perfectly chiseled, tanned exterior.
615
00:33:35,311 --> 00:33:39,346
What you don't see underneath is
this complicated human heart I have.
616
00:33:39,348 --> 00:33:41,482
I want to show the world the real me.
617
00:33:41,484 --> 00:33:43,384
I want to go full Hoff.
618
00:33:43,386 --> 00:33:45,187
Just read one script! I'm begging you!
619
00:33:45,189 --> 00:33:47,288
- Please!
- Look,
620
00:33:47,290 --> 00:33:49,690
if it's a rights issue, we
could create our own superhero,
621
00:33:49,692 --> 00:33:52,561
like, um, Electric Man.
622
00:33:52,563 --> 00:33:55,263
He could shoot lightning
bolts out of his dick.
623
00:33:55,265 --> 00:33:58,533
It isn't a rights issue.
624
00:33:58,535 --> 00:34:01,335
- Well, what?
- Do you remember what we talked about last week?
625
00:34:01,337 --> 00:34:03,771
Attainable goals.
626
00:34:03,773 --> 00:34:05,474
Attainable.
627
00:34:05,476 --> 00:34:08,110
Barry, I have driven a talking car.
628
00:34:08,112 --> 00:34:11,713
I have saved people's lives
from mutant electric eels.
629
00:34:11,715 --> 00:34:15,349
- On TV!
- And in real life.
630
00:34:15,351 --> 00:34:16,653
Uh...
631
00:34:19,255 --> 00:34:22,389
You have an autograph signing in
two hours. Let's just focus on that.
632
00:34:22,391 --> 00:34:24,825
Because that is real.
633
00:34:24,827 --> 00:34:29,296
And I am a goddamn certified,
modern-day superhero.
634
00:34:29,298 --> 00:34:31,599
And I am going to prove it to you.
635
00:34:31,601 --> 00:34:32,804
Love you.
636
00:34:35,905 --> 00:34:37,407
Mean it.
637
00:34:38,275 --> 00:34:41,675
Hoo-ah!
638
00:34:41,677 --> 00:34:44,197
Great. I got to kill a man who
shoots lightning out of his dick.
639
00:34:59,329 --> 00:35:01,164
Sit down.
640
00:35:02,199 --> 00:35:04,434
- Sit.
- May I?
641
00:35:06,369 --> 00:35:09,470
Please, relax.
642
00:35:09,472 --> 00:35:12,474
I realize this is probably a
highly unpleasant situation for you,
643
00:35:12,476 --> 00:35:15,209
so let's first do some deep breathing
so as to better center ourselves.
644
00:35:15,211 --> 00:35:16,581
What do you say?
645
00:35:17,748 --> 00:35:20,182
All right.
646
00:35:24,554 --> 00:35:26,287
There, all better.
647
00:35:26,289 --> 00:35:29,257
I want you to tell me
where I can find Chris Kim.
648
00:35:29,259 --> 00:35:31,392
- I don't know where he is.
- Bullshit.
649
00:35:31,394 --> 00:35:32,860
Start talking, lady.
650
00:35:32,862 --> 00:35:35,396
It's-It's the truth.
651
00:35:35,398 --> 00:35:37,599
I swear. He thinks I
slept with his best friend
652
00:35:37,601 --> 00:35:40,302
- and I haven't been able to get in touch with him.
- Who gives a fuck?
653
00:35:40,304 --> 00:35:44,371
Chris tells me that you two share a joint
bank account? I would like to see that.
654
00:35:44,373 --> 00:35:48,943
It's basically empty. Chris is terrible
with money. He's in way over his head.
655
00:35:48,945 --> 00:35:51,313
Yes, he is.
656
00:35:51,315 --> 00:35:52,746
Please don't hurt him.
657
00:35:52,748 --> 00:35:54,583
Little lady,
658
00:35:54,585 --> 00:35:57,418
please don't be confused
by my tranquillity.
659
00:35:57,420 --> 00:35:59,954
You're sitting with a man who
does bad things to good people.
660
00:35:59,956 --> 00:36:01,623
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
661
00:36:01,625 --> 00:36:03,525
Hey.
662
00:36:03,527 --> 00:36:06,695
You can check. There's nothing.
663
00:36:06,697 --> 00:36:08,231
My checkbook is in there. You can...
664
00:36:13,670 --> 00:36:16,503
You expect me to believe he has nothing?
665
00:36:16,505 --> 00:36:17,706
No investments? No 401K?
666
00:36:17,708 --> 00:36:19,441
IRA? Nothing at all?
667
00:36:19,443 --> 00:36:21,976
He doesn't have any investments. He's...
668
00:36:21,978 --> 00:36:25,512
I mean, unless David Hasselhoff
drops dead, he's basically destitute.
669
00:36:25,514 --> 00:36:27,349
Wait, whoa, excuse me. What was that?
670
00:36:27,351 --> 00:36:29,583
- He doesn't have any money.
- Honey, not that part.
671
00:36:29,585 --> 00:36:31,353
The talking car guy? What
are you talking about?
672
00:36:31,355 --> 00:36:32,920
Hasselhoff.
673
00:36:32,922 --> 00:36:36,458
Chris is in some stupid celebrity
death pool with his friends.
674
00:36:36,460 --> 00:36:39,894
If David Hasselhoff dies, he wins
something like a half a million dollars.
675
00:36:39,896 --> 00:36:41,795
A half mil if Hoff kicks the bucket?
676
00:36:41,797 --> 00:36:43,565
Fuck me, I want a piece of that.
677
00:36:43,567 --> 00:36:47,434
Yeah, you know what? I do too.
678
00:36:47,436 --> 00:36:50,704
All right, thank you very much for
your time. We'll see ourselves out.
679
00:36:50,706 --> 00:36:53,508
Nick, what's the name of that
place we passed on the way in?
680
00:36:53,510 --> 00:36:55,610
- Cattleman's?
- Cattleman's. Yeah. I could use a steak.
681
00:36:55,612 --> 00:36:57,811
Sounds good. Maybe a blooming' onion.
682
00:36:57,813 --> 00:36:59,380
Should I leave this closed or open?
683
00:37:00,784 --> 00:37:02,452
I'll just leave it open.
684
00:37:10,893 --> 00:37:13,894
I'll be damned if this jacket
doesn't fit just like a glove.
685
00:37:13,896 --> 00:37:18,365
- David, you look great.
- Like a second skin, Barry.
686
00:37:18,367 --> 00:37:21,536
You know, I hate to sound egotistical,
but if I was a woman, I would...
687
00:37:21,538 --> 00:37:25,039
You'd do yourself. Yes, I know.
You said that inside already.
688
00:37:25,041 --> 00:37:29,411
And honestly, buddy, there's no way to
say that without sounding egotistical.
689
00:37:29,413 --> 00:37:31,880
So you just might want to
pump the brakes on that one.
690
00:37:31,882 --> 00:37:34,416
Okay, let's get going. We're running late.
691
00:37:34,418 --> 00:37:36,617
KITT, calculate time to destination.
692
00:37:36,619 --> 00:37:38,353
Calculating, Michael.
693
00:37:38,355 --> 00:37:42,923
Time to destination... 12
minutes, 14.63 seconds.
694
00:37:42,925 --> 00:37:45,895
Oh, no, no, I missed a spot. Oh.
695
00:37:48,331 --> 00:37:50,898
- Thanks, buddy.
- Seriously?
696
00:37:50,900 --> 00:37:52,534
How much is he paying you?
697
00:37:52,536 --> 00:37:54,469
Nothing. He...
698
00:37:54,471 --> 00:37:57,338
He's hooking me up with a part
in his superhero musical, man.
699
00:37:57,340 --> 00:38:00,342
- But there is no superhero mu...
- But there will be.
700
00:38:00,344 --> 00:38:02,077
There will be.
701
00:38:02,079 --> 00:38:04,412
KITT, engage super pursuit mode.
702
00:38:04,414 --> 00:38:06,780
Super pursuit mode engaged, Michael.
703
00:38:20,864 --> 00:38:22,530
If you've never been,
704
00:38:22,532 --> 00:38:25,800
let me assure you that Venice
Beach is batshit crazy.
705
00:38:25,802 --> 00:38:28,970
So if ever there was a
town where I could blend in
706
00:38:28,972 --> 00:38:31,776
and inconspicuously kill the star
of Knight Rider, this was it.
707
00:38:33,610 --> 00:38:36,478
Whoa! Spend a lot of time
in the tanning bed, huh?
708
00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:38,516
Just kidding.
709
00:38:45,489 --> 00:38:47,590
Hi, excuse me? Can I have one large pizza?
710
00:38:51,661 --> 00:38:54,065
- Here you go. Keep the change. Thank you, sir.
- Welcome.
711
00:39:06,443 --> 00:39:07,611
Thank you very much.
712
00:39:12,181 --> 00:39:14,416
Jessica and Rose.
713
00:39:14,418 --> 00:39:16,717
Wow, you look good in that bathing suit.
714
00:39:16,719 --> 00:39:19,420
You'll never drown.
715
00:39:19,422 --> 00:39:22,559
There you go, Rose. Have a lovely
day, and, uh, call me later.
716
00:39:25,795 --> 00:39:27,897
I loved you as Nick Fury.
717
00:39:28,864 --> 00:39:30,532
You look just like me.
718
00:39:30,534 --> 00:39:32,166
Barry, get his number.
719
00:39:32,168 --> 00:39:36,604
If I ever want to fuck
myself, I'll give you a call.
720
00:39:36,606 --> 00:39:38,639
Excuse me. Excuse me.
721
00:39:38,641 --> 00:39:40,874
Special delivery coming through. Excuse me.
722
00:39:40,876 --> 00:39:42,911
Barry, feeling a little dry.
723
00:39:50,554 --> 00:39:52,920
Next.
724
00:39:52,922 --> 00:39:54,988
Sorry about that. Sorry. Excuse me.
725
00:39:54,990 --> 00:39:57,161
So sorry about that. I'm
sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry.
726
00:39:59,795 --> 00:40:01,097
Hell no! Are you trying to cut?
727
00:40:02,599 --> 00:40:04,865
I'm not trying to cut and get an autograph.
728
00:40:04,867 --> 00:40:07,901
I'm here to make a special
delivery to your overlord.
729
00:40:07,903 --> 00:40:10,771
Each of us aspires to receive
sage wisdom from The Hoff.
730
00:40:10,773 --> 00:40:12,773
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
731
00:40:12,775 --> 00:40:15,809
What is with you guys?
Are you guys like a gang?
732
00:40:15,811 --> 00:40:17,479
- We're just fans, bro.
- Fans.
733
00:40:17,481 --> 00:40:19,581
- Hoff army!
- Hoff army!
734
00:40:20,684 --> 00:40:23,050
Yeah!
735
00:40:23,052 --> 00:40:25,019
Dude. And, like, that's normal?
736
00:40:25,021 --> 00:40:27,088
I'm sorry. Am I not normal?
737
00:40:27,090 --> 00:40:29,590
Oh, you're very normal, Professor Clump.
738
00:40:29,592 --> 00:40:32,793
And by the way, the Fat Albert
callbacks are down the street.
739
00:40:32,795 --> 00:40:34,662
- Fat Albert? Fuck you!
- Hey, dickhead!
740
00:40:34,664 --> 00:40:36,764
What about me? Am I normal?
741
00:40:36,766 --> 00:40:38,867
More or less, Midget John Stamos.
742
00:40:38,869 --> 00:40:40,668
- I'm a dwarf, you son of a bitch!
- Hey! Hey!
743
00:40:40,670 --> 00:40:43,070
- Hey, man, fuck you!
- Hey, let me go.
744
00:40:43,072 --> 00:40:44,905
- No!
- Come on, man!
745
00:40:44,907 --> 00:40:46,574
- Go, go, go!
- Okay! Okay!
746
00:40:46,576 --> 00:40:48,141
Hey! Hey!
747
00:40:48,143 --> 00:40:49,979
Hey, hey, hey.
748
00:40:52,782 --> 00:40:54,785
Ow!
749
00:41:02,958 --> 00:41:06,226
Get him, Billy!
750
00:41:06,228 --> 00:41:09,063
Ladies and gentlemen, The Hoff
will take a ten-minute break,
751
00:41:09,065 --> 00:41:12,166
- and we'll be right back to sign your autographs.
- But don't worry.
752
00:41:12,168 --> 00:41:14,903
There's a huge after-party at my house.
753
00:41:14,905 --> 00:41:18,572
Um, um, excuse me. Um, could
we wrap up this beating please?
754
00:41:18,574 --> 00:41:20,008
I have other things to do today.
755
00:41:20,010 --> 00:41:21,742
- No!
- No!
756
00:41:21,744 --> 00:41:24,244
Yeah, that worked out well.
757
00:41:24,246 --> 00:41:26,748
Obviously, I suck at murdering.
758
00:41:26,750 --> 00:41:29,820
And now my life is about to get
a whole lot more complicated.
759
00:41:34,990 --> 00:41:36,126
You Nick?
760
00:41:41,597 --> 00:41:43,130
So Redix, huh?
761
00:41:43,132 --> 00:41:45,766
What's that? First name,
last name, nickname?
762
00:41:45,768 --> 00:41:47,936
One word. Redix.
763
00:41:47,938 --> 00:41:49,704
- Like Madonna.
- Oh.
764
00:41:49,706 --> 00:41:51,842
Cher. Jewel.
765
00:41:52,943 --> 00:41:55,142
Redix.
766
00:41:55,144 --> 00:41:56,679
Oh.
767
00:41:57,914 --> 00:41:59,583
Chocolate cake. Okay.
768
00:42:02,751 --> 00:42:06,820
So, Redix, are you, uh... you up to
speed on what Wasserstein needs you to do?
769
00:42:06,822 --> 00:42:08,789
Oh, yeah, baby.
770
00:42:08,791 --> 00:42:11,659
It is a shame though. I'm
a fan of David Hasselhoff.
771
00:42:11,661 --> 00:42:13,795
- Yeah.
- He a beautiful man.
772
00:42:13,797 --> 00:42:17,599
Tall, wonderful hair, sexy motherfucker.
773
00:42:17,601 --> 00:42:19,800
Yeah. Yeah, I know what
you mean, man. Wait...
774
00:42:19,802 --> 00:42:22,637
Got, like, that Tom Selleck thing
going on, you know what I'm saying?
775
00:42:22,639 --> 00:42:24,805
Except without the Selleck 'stache.
776
00:42:24,807 --> 00:42:27,608
Could you imagine Hasselhoff
with a Selleck 'stache?
777
00:42:27,610 --> 00:42:28,645
Oh.
778
00:42:29,913 --> 00:42:31,211
Damn.
779
00:42:31,213 --> 00:42:32,981
I'm getting hard just thinking about that.
780
00:42:32,983 --> 00:42:34,148
What, are you gay?
781
00:42:34,150 --> 00:42:36,050
Yeah, you got a problem with that?
782
00:42:36,052 --> 00:42:37,751
No! I just...
783
00:42:37,753 --> 00:42:41,889
I mean, I would never... I
mean, look at... Yeah, I get it.
784
00:42:41,891 --> 00:42:44,726
You're fucking with me.
That's good. You almost got me.
785
00:42:44,728 --> 00:42:47,260
Man, didn't your mom ever tell you
not to judge a book by its cover?
786
00:42:47,262 --> 00:42:49,731
- Yeah, but...
- But, but, but... but nothing.
787
00:42:49,733 --> 00:42:51,365
Let's get one thing straight.
788
00:42:51,367 --> 00:42:55,103
I'm a gigantic, rage-filled
mocha-skinned badass,
789
00:42:55,105 --> 00:42:56,938
and I kill people for a living.
790
00:42:56,940 --> 00:43:00,008
So, yeah. My cover's hard as fuck.
791
00:43:00,010 --> 00:43:04,211
But inside, it's a gay-ass book, baby.
792
00:43:04,213 --> 00:43:07,148
Now who's a motherfucker gotta
blow to get some milk around here?
793
00:43:07,150 --> 00:43:08,816
Here, take my milk.
794
00:43:08,818 --> 00:43:10,150
I ain't drinking your milk.
795
00:43:10,152 --> 00:43:11,653
- Why not?
- That's gross.
796
00:43:11,655 --> 00:43:13,086
You took my cake.
797
00:43:13,088 --> 00:43:14,655
A cake's one thing, milk's another.
798
00:43:14,657 --> 00:43:16,190
A man needs his own cup of milk.
799
00:43:16,192 --> 00:43:18,726
You put dicks in your mouth,
and you won't drink my milk?
800
00:43:18,728 --> 00:43:21,195
You pour some milk inside a
dick, I'll drink that shit.
801
00:43:21,197 --> 00:43:23,965
But I ain't drinking it
out of your nasty-ass cup.
802
00:43:23,967 --> 00:43:25,999
You people confuse the hell outta me.
803
00:43:26,001 --> 00:43:28,670
- Who, black people?
- No, gay people!
804
00:43:28,672 --> 00:43:30,338
Okay. Okay.
805
00:43:30,340 --> 00:43:33,708
I'm fine with that. That's
confusing to some people. I get it.
806
00:43:36,146 --> 00:43:40,113
After having the shit kicked out
of me by those Hoff-loving carnies,
807
00:43:40,115 --> 00:43:42,316
it was time for plan B.
808
00:43:42,318 --> 00:43:43,450
♪ For real ♪
809
00:43:43,452 --> 00:43:45,086
♪ It's real ♪
810
00:43:45,088 --> 00:43:47,320
♪ I'll be throwing up The W ♪
811
00:43:47,322 --> 00:43:49,724
♪ Bow down And give
me the crown, nigga ♪
812
00:43:49,726 --> 00:43:51,958
♪ Give me the mike Y'all
ain't rockin' it right ♪
813
00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:54,896
♪ Just-Just Bow down And
give me the crown, nigga ♪
814
00:43:54,898 --> 00:43:57,130
♪ I'm 'bout to hurt somebody's
Feelings with this ♪
815
00:43:57,132 --> 00:43:59,700
♪ You could either-either Bow down
And give me the crown, nigga ♪
816
00:44:08,711 --> 00:44:09,844
Hey, man, you Korean?
817
00:44:09,846 --> 00:44:11,211
Nah, Chinese, dude.
818
00:44:11,213 --> 00:44:12,650
Close enough.
819
00:44:31,735 --> 00:44:34,434
Gena Lee Nolin. You still look hot.
820
00:44:34,436 --> 00:44:37,237
- I mean, 20 years, and you still look hot.
- Thank you.
821
00:44:37,239 --> 00:44:39,907
- You look the same as you did on Baywatch.
- Thank you.
822
00:44:39,909 --> 00:44:42,443
You got my money, funny boy?
823
00:44:42,445 --> 00:44:45,749
Winslow! Holy mother of God,
you scared the shit out of me.
824
00:44:54,289 --> 00:44:55,759
Grapefruit juice.
825
00:45:10,106 --> 00:45:11,972
I haven't... I haven't
slept in days, player.
826
00:45:11,974 --> 00:45:14,175
You know... You know what's up.
827
00:45:14,177 --> 00:45:16,814
Life in the service industry.
You know what I'm saying, player?
828
00:45:21,784 --> 00:45:24,084
♪ La-la-la ♪
Zoink!
829
00:45:24,086 --> 00:45:27,324
Gotta take care of, uh,
Mr. Jack Hoff over there.
830
00:45:29,125 --> 00:45:31,159
Jack Hoff.
831
00:45:31,161 --> 00:45:33,293
'Cause he's a jack-off.
832
00:45:33,295 --> 00:45:36,798
Do you know how many orgies this guy
ruined with his weird sound effects?
833
00:45:36,800 --> 00:45:38,566
- I mean, goddamn.
- Your favorite?
834
00:45:38,568 --> 00:45:40,467
Oh, please.
835
00:45:40,469 --> 00:45:42,003
Oh, God.
836
00:45:42,005 --> 00:45:44,070
Mr. Hasselhoff, I know you don't indulge...
837
00:45:44,072 --> 00:45:46,440
Yeah, thank you, thank you,
thank you. Everybody, listen up!
838
00:45:46,442 --> 00:45:48,543
A toast!
839
00:45:48,545 --> 00:45:51,579
They say in life, there are no second acts.
840
00:45:51,581 --> 00:45:53,313
And what do I say to them?
841
00:45:53,315 --> 00:45:55,048
Fuck Hoff!
842
00:45:57,219 --> 00:46:00,086
Sometimes there's five acts and the finale
843
00:46:00,088 --> 00:46:02,423
and then an encore!
844
00:46:02,425 --> 00:46:04,193
To the encore!
845
00:46:10,400 --> 00:46:13,568
Robot needs juice.
846
00:46:13,570 --> 00:46:16,103
Do you ever stop?
847
00:46:24,614 --> 00:46:27,081
Is there anyone at this
party I actually like?
848
00:46:28,184 --> 00:46:29,550
Me?
849
00:46:29,552 --> 00:46:31,488
How about a three-way?
850
00:46:40,630 --> 00:46:42,329
Rick Fox.
851
00:46:42,331 --> 00:46:45,066
The most attractive man in the NBA.
852
00:46:45,068 --> 00:46:47,568
David Hasselhoff. The most
attractive man in Hollywood.
853
00:46:47,570 --> 00:46:49,871
Hoff and the Fox.
854
00:46:49,873 --> 00:46:51,238
Yeah. Fox and The Hoff.
855
00:46:56,246 --> 00:46:59,112
Well, see you around.
856
00:46:59,114 --> 00:47:01,916
- All right. Let's do this again sometime.
- Okay.
857
00:47:01,918 --> 00:47:04,084
Rick, over here.
858
00:47:04,086 --> 00:47:06,220
Caitlyn Jenner.
859
00:47:06,222 --> 00:47:07,889
You haven't changed a bit.
860
00:47:07,891 --> 00:47:09,389
Come here, you old motherfucker.
861
00:47:15,998 --> 00:47:18,965
I need everybody's attention!
862
00:47:18,967 --> 00:47:20,166
Uh...
863
00:47:23,572 --> 00:47:25,275
No, no, no, no!
864
00:47:31,047 --> 00:47:32,282
Oh, my God!
865
00:47:34,083 --> 00:47:35,282
Save him!
866
00:47:35,284 --> 00:47:36,516
Weren't you a lifeguard?
867
00:47:36,518 --> 00:47:39,019
No. No, I just played one on TV.
868
00:47:39,021 --> 00:47:41,255
Better save him, David.
It's a huge liability.
869
00:47:41,257 --> 00:47:43,090
Oh! Ah!
870
00:47:43,092 --> 00:47:44,193
Shit.
871
00:47:59,108 --> 00:48:00,974
Why is he running in slow motion?
872
00:48:27,369 --> 00:48:29,603
All right. Okay. All right.
873
00:48:29,605 --> 00:48:32,039
Oh. Okay. All right.
874
00:48:32,041 --> 00:48:34,608
One, two, three, four, five, breathe.
875
00:48:34,610 --> 00:48:36,476
He's not breathing. I need some help.
876
00:48:36,478 --> 00:48:39,313
Little man, come here and help me.
When I say breathe, you breathe.
877
00:48:39,315 --> 00:48:41,514
One, two, three, four, five, breathe!
878
00:48:43,018 --> 00:48:45,086
One, two, three, four,
five. Breathe, little man.
879
00:48:45,088 --> 00:48:47,722
One, two, three, four, five.
Come on, Michael, come on.
880
00:48:47,724 --> 00:48:49,423
Oh! Oh.
881
00:48:49,425 --> 00:48:51,157
Oh, yeah.
882
00:48:51,159 --> 00:48:53,226
Oh, no.
883
00:48:53,228 --> 00:48:54,561
Oh, whoa. He's choking.
884
00:48:54,563 --> 00:48:57,130
Hang on. I got you, I got you.
885
00:48:57,132 --> 00:48:59,200
Oh!
886
00:48:59,202 --> 00:49:02,369
Huh!
887
00:49:02,371 --> 00:49:05,373
All right. Little man, you okay?
888
00:49:05,375 --> 00:49:06,474
Barry?
889
00:49:06,476 --> 00:49:09,342
Where the hell have you been, huh?
890
00:49:09,344 --> 00:49:12,512
I just saved two people's lives.
You're in there getting a hand-job.
891
00:49:12,514 --> 00:49:15,782
You are fired for the next
five minutes, until I calm down.
892
00:49:15,784 --> 00:49:18,288
Hoff! Hoff! Hoff!
893
00:49:21,023 --> 00:49:24,025
I think the Black Keys got their
name from this toy keyboard.
894
00:49:24,027 --> 00:49:26,494
Which is odd. The White Keys,
you never hear about them.
895
00:49:26,496 --> 00:49:29,195
That'd be a bigger group. They
must have come here at some point.
896
00:49:29,197 --> 00:49:30,264
Focus.
897
00:49:30,266 --> 00:49:32,032
Foc... I'm in the focus group.
898
00:49:32,034 --> 00:49:33,666
No, no, no. What's going on?
899
00:49:33,668 --> 00:49:35,101
I'm focusing.
900
00:49:35,103 --> 00:49:37,070
N- Now. Now, what's going on?
901
00:49:37,072 --> 00:49:39,206
Yesterday we had soup, but it was off.
902
00:49:39,208 --> 00:49:42,075
Although they said it was seafood
chowder. I think it was just off.
903
00:49:42,077 --> 00:49:45,112
Tonight it's Scrabble night. I'm the only
one playing. Chris is gonna kill Hasselhoff.
904
00:49:45,114 --> 00:49:47,148
And always line up your
slippers at the foot of your bed.
905
00:49:47,150 --> 00:49:49,215
- Go back.
- Line up your slippers?
906
00:49:49,217 --> 00:49:52,353
Chris is gonna kill Hasselhoff.
I gotta go find Hoff's house.
907
00:49:52,355 --> 00:49:55,155
No, he's gonna kill
Hassel... I tried to stop him!
908
00:49:55,157 --> 00:49:57,460
But I may have given him some murder ideas.
909
00:49:59,295 --> 00:50:01,095
Sebastian, they weren't meant for you.
910
00:50:01,097 --> 00:50:02,762
They were not meant for you.
911
00:50:02,764 --> 00:50:05,298
They were meant for you, but we changed.
912
00:50:05,300 --> 00:50:07,471
We're a mended bridge.
913
00:50:08,637 --> 00:50:10,106
Do you like the Black Keys?
914
00:51:04,527 --> 00:51:05,795
Barry!
915
00:51:07,195 --> 00:51:09,463
Hi, David.
916
00:51:09,465 --> 00:51:11,898
Hey, you really gotta read this script.
917
00:51:11,900 --> 00:51:13,867
It's about the guy that
found Toys for Tits.
918
00:51:13,869 --> 00:51:15,536
Tots!
919
00:51:15,538 --> 00:51:17,204
Toys for Tots.
920
00:51:17,206 --> 00:51:18,771
Toys for Tits. That's a better title.
921
00:51:18,773 --> 00:51:20,773
Now, that's a script I'd read.
922
00:51:28,317 --> 00:51:32,353
Okay, so nothing I tried
was working to off The Hoff.
923
00:51:32,355 --> 00:51:34,220
This guy just won't die.
924
00:51:34,222 --> 00:51:36,159
So I had to resort to
more drastic measures.
925
00:51:39,362 --> 00:51:42,432
Excuse me, little girl, do you
know of any Glocks in the area?
926
00:51:49,539 --> 00:51:52,873
Hi. Hi, excuse me?
927
00:51:52,875 --> 00:51:54,878
Hi. Hi.
928
00:51:56,378 --> 00:51:57,845
'Sup, bro? Can I help you, man?
929
00:51:57,847 --> 00:51:59,412
Uh, yeah, I would, um...
930
00:51:59,414 --> 00:52:00,813
I'd...
931
00:52:00,815 --> 00:52:03,383
I don't know how to phrase this.
932
00:52:03,385 --> 00:52:05,219
Phrase what, amigo?
933
00:52:05,221 --> 00:52:06,720
Um...
934
00:52:06,722 --> 00:52:08,255
Uh, uh... Spit it out, bro.
935
00:52:08,257 --> 00:52:10,858
A- A gun. I-I need a gun.
936
00:52:10,860 --> 00:52:12,193
- A gun?
- Oh!
937
00:52:12,195 --> 00:52:14,695
You're asking me for a gun!
938
00:52:14,697 --> 00:52:17,630
You assume because I'm Latino and I'm
walking down the street, that what?
939
00:52:17,632 --> 00:52:19,432
I just know where you can get a gun, bro?
940
00:52:19,434 --> 00:52:21,668
Okay, when you put it
that way, I understand...
941
00:52:23,972 --> 00:52:26,472
You're in my heart, bro.
942
00:52:26,474 --> 00:52:29,242
I like to think that in this day
and age, with the color of my skin,
943
00:52:29,244 --> 00:52:31,711
it doesn't dictate whether or not
I know where you can buy a gun.
944
00:52:31,713 --> 00:52:33,447
No, it's not about the color of your...
945
00:52:36,485 --> 00:52:38,221
An empanada recipe? Let me guess.
946
00:52:40,989 --> 00:52:43,691
Please don't stab me in
the neck, I'm a bleeder.
947
00:52:46,795 --> 00:52:48,561
Got you!
948
00:52:48,563 --> 00:52:50,831
Homie, I'm just messing with you, bro.
949
00:52:50,833 --> 00:52:54,001
I'm work-shopping my Latino accent.
950
00:52:54,003 --> 00:52:56,503
Check it, check it, check it, check it.
951
00:52:56,505 --> 00:52:58,805
- I'm an actor.
- Oh!
952
00:52:58,807 --> 00:53:00,876
Yeah, Big Time
Rush, you ever see that?
953
00:53:02,577 --> 00:53:03,911
No. No.
954
00:53:03,913 --> 00:53:05,545
No? Fuck it.
955
00:53:05,547 --> 00:53:09,383
Look, um, I am now
selling guns as my day-job.
956
00:53:09,385 --> 00:53:10,918
- Oh, how wonderful.
- Yeah.
957
00:53:10,920 --> 00:53:13,019
I love it when actors get work.
958
00:53:13,021 --> 00:53:14,921
Yeah, man, do you have $300?
959
00:53:14,923 --> 00:53:17,825
Sorry. I have $200.
960
00:53:17,827 --> 00:53:19,994
$200. Look, uh, I'll make it work.
961
00:53:19,996 --> 00:53:21,695
Meet me around the corner, all right?
962
00:53:21,697 --> 00:53:22,697
Sí.
963
00:53:27,769 --> 00:53:28,769
Bye, vato.
964
00:53:30,840 --> 00:53:33,539
David. Do I have to even ask?
965
00:53:33,541 --> 00:53:37,478
My superhero is a master of swords.
966
00:53:37,480 --> 00:53:39,045
Swordsmith.
967
00:53:39,047 --> 00:53:40,748
Is that a word?
968
00:53:40,750 --> 00:53:42,048
Swordsmith?
969
00:53:42,050 --> 00:53:45,385
There is no superhero musical.
970
00:53:45,387 --> 00:53:47,923
Maybe not now, but there will be. Pull!
971
00:53:51,760 --> 00:53:52,829
Pull!
972
00:53:55,998 --> 00:53:57,831
Oh!
973
00:53:57,833 --> 00:54:00,704
There is no superhero musical.
974
00:54:07,309 --> 00:54:09,876
Okay, I'm running out
of options and time.
975
00:54:09,878 --> 00:54:11,679
I need to get close to Hoff again.
976
00:54:11,681 --> 00:54:13,914
Gotta love social media.
977
00:54:13,916 --> 00:54:16,318
Nice photo, you well-coiffed prick.
978
00:54:23,759 --> 00:54:24,860
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
979
00:54:34,070 --> 00:54:35,601
Can I help you?
980
00:54:35,603 --> 00:54:37,371
Yeah, is this Mr. Hasselhoff?
981
00:54:37,373 --> 00:54:39,373
Depends on who the fuck you are.
982
00:54:39,375 --> 00:54:41,008
Um, I'm-I'm Chris.
983
00:54:41,010 --> 00:54:42,575
From Bird Oasis.
984
00:54:42,577 --> 00:54:44,778
I know you normally
come into the office,
985
00:54:44,780 --> 00:54:48,349
but we had some issues with this employee
who worked on your two cockatoos last.
986
00:54:48,351 --> 00:54:50,416
You know, I don't mean to
cause any alarm, but...
987
00:54:50,418 --> 00:54:52,985
This employee wasn't doing
anything sexual, was he?
988
00:54:52,987 --> 00:54:55,121
What? No, no.
989
00:54:55,123 --> 00:54:57,791
That's a really weird conclusion to draw.
990
00:54:57,793 --> 00:55:00,661
No, there's just been some
issues with the medications.
991
00:55:00,663 --> 00:55:02,929
We just decided to do some
house-calls on our very important...
992
00:55:02,931 --> 00:55:04,630
All right. Come on in.
993
00:55:04,632 --> 00:55:06,368
Thank you.
994
00:55:21,416 --> 00:55:22,883
That means "how are you" in German.
995
00:55:22,885 --> 00:55:24,450
You say "gut. "
996
00:55:24,452 --> 00:55:25,619
Gut.
997
00:55:25,621 --> 00:55:30,157
That means "good. " Come on in.
998
00:55:30,159 --> 00:55:31,925
Gorgeous. Who is she?
999
00:55:31,927 --> 00:55:33,559
- Oh, that's me.
- Gut.
1000
00:55:33,561 --> 00:55:34,994
- Okay.
- Ahh!
1001
00:55:34,996 --> 00:55:37,030
- Beautiful room.
- Oh, thanks.
1002
00:55:37,032 --> 00:55:40,633
I had it custom-built for my
babies here, Dolce and Gabbana.
1003
00:55:40,635 --> 00:55:42,536
You look familiar.
1004
00:55:44,606 --> 00:55:47,474
Yeah, I'm Chris from Bird Oasis.
1005
00:55:47,476 --> 00:55:49,142
No, no.
1006
00:55:49,144 --> 00:55:50,512
It's the mouth.
1007
00:55:52,047 --> 00:55:54,180
I'm, uh...
1008
00:55:54,182 --> 00:55:57,583
I- I do some mouth modeling.
1009
00:55:57,585 --> 00:55:59,452
- Crest Whitestrips commercial.
- Okay.
1010
00:55:59,454 --> 00:56:01,688
Damn, I'm good.
1011
00:56:01,690 --> 00:56:04,657
You were good in that
commercial too. Great mouth.
1012
00:56:04,659 --> 00:56:08,795
Anyway, make yourself at home and take
care of my babies. Call me if you need me.
1013
00:56:08,797 --> 00:56:10,764
♪ Hoff stuff, baby
Want some Hoff stuff ♪
1014
00:56:16,038 --> 00:56:17,470
Free at last!
1015
00:56:17,472 --> 00:56:19,773
Kill The Hoff, kill
The Hoff, kill The Hoff,
1016
00:56:19,775 --> 00:56:22,943
kill The Hoff, kill The Hoff... huh?
1017
00:56:22,945 --> 00:56:23,980
Nothing?
1018
00:56:26,047 --> 00:56:28,548
I'm glad we had this talk, Dolce.
1019
00:56:28,550 --> 00:56:30,550
Now, where was I? Oh, yeah,
I gotta kill your boss.
1020
00:56:32,086 --> 00:56:34,657
Let's do this shit. I'm gonna do this.
1021
00:56:48,838 --> 00:56:51,137
What the fuck am I doing?
1022
00:57:02,016 --> 00:57:04,952
I can't...
1023
00:57:04,954 --> 00:57:06,487
Put down the gun, Chris.
1024
00:57:06,489 --> 00:57:07,887
Jesus Christ!
1025
00:57:10,025 --> 00:57:11,027
Did you hear that?
1026
00:57:12,628 --> 00:57:15,262
David, I think I heard a gunshot.
1027
00:57:15,264 --> 00:57:17,697
Barry, it's just the TV.
1028
00:57:17,699 --> 00:57:19,599
Relax, bro.
1029
00:57:19,601 --> 00:57:20,967
Read your scripts.
1030
00:57:23,505 --> 00:57:25,938
- What are you doing here?
- Trying to stop you from shooting that thing.
1031
00:57:25,940 --> 00:57:27,541
You're making a huge mistake.
1032
00:57:27,543 --> 00:57:29,742
You fucking Ann was a huge mistake.
1033
00:57:29,744 --> 00:57:33,646
I told you I didn't have sex with
her. It was Susan, her roommate.
1034
00:57:33,648 --> 00:57:36,148
I told you I wanted to
fuck her like 45 times.
1035
00:57:36,150 --> 00:57:38,117
Ahh! She's engaged. Yes, I know.
1036
00:57:38,119 --> 00:57:40,186
And you know what? I don't care.
1037
00:57:40,188 --> 00:57:43,289
I saw Annie half-naked
in her apartment with you!
1038
00:57:43,291 --> 00:57:46,226
Unfortunate, yes, that she was
coming out of the shower at that time,
1039
00:57:46,228 --> 00:57:49,862
but you of all fucking people
should understand a crazy mishap.
1040
00:57:49,864 --> 00:57:51,932
- Do you need proof?
- I don't need fucking proof.
1041
00:57:51,934 --> 00:57:53,766
Well, look at the... Whoa.
1042
00:57:53,768 --> 00:57:57,037
Whoa, wow. That is a lot
of piercings for one vagina.
1043
00:57:57,039 --> 00:57:58,738
Look.
1044
00:57:58,740 --> 00:58:00,673
Happy? Happy?
1045
00:58:00,675 --> 00:58:01,708
Now, it's this way.
1046
00:58:01,710 --> 00:58:02,976
Ann's angry...
1047
00:58:02,978 --> 00:58:04,746
Angry. Yeah.
1048
00:58:05,981 --> 00:58:08,315
What the fuck am I thinking, dude?
1049
00:58:24,833 --> 00:58:26,970
Gotta get the fuck out of here.
1050
00:58:28,304 --> 00:58:29,802
Oh, shit.
1051
00:58:29,804 --> 00:58:31,737
Fuck! Large guy with a Glock.
1052
00:58:31,739 --> 00:58:34,173
- Was that part of your plan?
- This is my first murder, dude.
1053
00:58:34,175 --> 00:58:36,610
I'm just making shit up as I go along, man.
1054
00:58:36,612 --> 00:58:38,579
I really fucked up.
1055
00:58:38,581 --> 00:58:40,746
Man, I just... I fucked up.
1056
00:58:40,748 --> 00:58:43,050
We're all gonna fucking die.
We're all gonna fucking die.
1057
00:58:43,052 --> 00:58:44,584
Don't be a fatalistic little bitch.
1058
00:58:44,586 --> 00:58:46,586
We'll get you the money somehow.
1059
00:58:46,588 --> 00:58:48,054
Ann still loves you, asshole, okay?
1060
00:58:48,056 --> 00:58:50,157
So screw your debt, screw the club.
1061
00:58:50,159 --> 00:58:52,092
She loves you. That's all that matters.
1062
00:58:52,094 --> 00:58:53,128
Let's get out of here.
1063
00:58:55,597 --> 00:58:57,831
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Shit!
1064
00:58:57,833 --> 00:58:58,999
- Oh!
- Oh, okay.
1065
00:58:59,001 --> 00:59:00,867
Don't shoot. Nobody shoot.
1066
00:59:00,869 --> 00:59:02,235
Says the fool with the Ginsu.
1067
00:59:02,237 --> 00:59:04,237
Who the fuck are you?
1068
00:59:04,239 --> 00:59:06,005
Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck are we?
1069
00:59:06,007 --> 00:59:07,874
Hey, Chris.
1070
00:59:07,876 --> 00:59:10,209
We've come to help you off The Hoff.
1071
00:59:10,211 --> 00:59:12,244
And we're gonna take all that cash money.
1072
00:59:12,246 --> 00:59:14,947
I can't wait to kill
some people up in here.
1073
00:59:14,949 --> 00:59:17,918
Hey, you can't kill me because if you do,
1074
00:59:17,920 --> 00:59:20,354
I can't collect the
money to pay Wasserstein.
1075
00:59:20,356 --> 00:59:23,356
I bet you could still collect the
money missing some of your fingers.
1076
00:59:23,358 --> 00:59:26,726
But then the money would have blood all
over and who wants to have bloody money?
1077
00:59:26,728 --> 00:59:28,028
Shut the fuck up. You got jokes?
1078
00:59:28,030 --> 00:59:30,296
No. No, no.
1079
00:59:30,298 --> 00:59:33,266
Please, don't make me pull the trigger.
1080
00:59:33,268 --> 00:59:35,635
- You just call me nigga?
- What? No!
1081
00:59:35,637 --> 00:59:37,838
- Because it sounded like you said nigga.
- No, no, no!
1082
00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:40,273
I said don't make me pull the nigga!
1083
00:59:40,275 --> 00:59:41,842
- Ah, trigger!
- Nigga?
1084
00:59:41,844 --> 00:59:43,943
I heard it that time for sure.
1085
00:59:43,945 --> 00:59:45,845
I'll shoot the first white motherfucker...
1086
00:59:47,849 --> 00:59:50,249
That's what I'll do! I swear!
1087
00:59:50,251 --> 00:59:51,784
Everybody stop saying nigga!
1088
00:59:51,786 --> 00:59:53,019
Hey, what's going on?
1089
00:59:53,021 --> 00:59:55,188
- Oh!
- Oh, what, wait.
1090
00:59:55,190 --> 00:59:56,356
Whoa, oh.
1091
00:59:56,358 --> 00:59:58,758
Oh, oh! Oh, I get it.
1092
00:59:58,760 --> 01:00:01,228
You're looking for Ted Nugent's house.
1093
01:00:01,230 --> 01:00:02,896
That's two doors down.
1094
01:00:02,898 --> 01:00:04,664
Happens all the time.
1095
01:00:04,666 --> 01:00:06,666
If you like, I'll walk you over.
1096
01:00:06,668 --> 01:00:08,235
Yeah, you're not in charge, Hoff.
1097
01:00:08,237 --> 01:00:10,704
Little Asian guy over there is in charge.
1098
01:00:10,706 --> 01:00:12,738
Specifically in charge
of what happens to you.
1099
01:00:12,740 --> 01:00:14,273
Well, what's going to happen to me?
1100
01:00:14,275 --> 01:00:16,443
You know what? That's
a pretty fair question.
1101
01:00:16,445 --> 01:00:17,778
Here's the thing, Hoff.
1102
01:00:17,780 --> 01:00:19,079
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
1103
01:00:19,081 --> 01:00:21,248
Listen, tough guy.
1104
01:00:21,250 --> 01:00:24,717
You want something to do with my
client, you gotta go through me.
1105
01:00:24,719 --> 01:00:25,786
With pleasure.
1106
01:00:25,788 --> 01:00:27,688
Whoa!
1107
01:00:27,690 --> 01:00:28,988
Ohh!
1108
01:00:28,990 --> 01:00:31,793
Ah! He shot me in the foot!
1109
01:00:32,827 --> 01:00:34,728
- Oh!
- Ooh, it's in there deep.
1110
01:00:34,730 --> 01:00:36,429
Run!
1111
01:00:36,431 --> 01:00:38,798
Oh! Oh, my God!
1112
01:00:38,800 --> 01:00:40,434
He's so much more handsome in person.
1113
01:00:40,436 --> 01:00:42,101
So tall.
1114
01:00:42,103 --> 01:00:45,972
Ooh, my foot hurts but
my heart feels great.
1115
01:00:45,974 --> 01:00:49,175
Would you stop thinking with your dick and
go after him? I'll get those two assholes.
1116
01:00:49,177 --> 01:00:51,311
My bad, my bad. You're right, you're right.
1117
01:00:53,215 --> 01:00:55,282
Ohh!
1118
01:00:55,284 --> 01:00:58,452
Ooh, you fuckers!
1119
01:01:03,092 --> 01:01:04,224
Where's your car?
1120
01:01:04,226 --> 01:01:05,391
- I Uber'd it.
- Uber'd it?
1121
01:01:05,393 --> 01:01:06,395
Who Uber's to a murder?
1122
01:01:09,197 --> 01:01:11,398
Fuck! Shit! That was our only gun!
1123
01:01:11,400 --> 01:01:12,902
Jesus, motherfucker.
1124
01:01:20,909 --> 01:01:21,909
Drop it.
1125
01:01:25,280 --> 01:01:27,150
Oh, shit. I'm fucked.
1126
01:01:29,952 --> 01:01:32,351
What do you people want with me, anyway?
1127
01:01:32,353 --> 01:01:35,287
I've never done anything to anybody.
1128
01:01:35,289 --> 01:01:38,492
I got half a million reasons.
And they all green, baby.
1129
01:01:38,494 --> 01:01:42,061
This is about money?
1130
01:01:42,063 --> 01:01:44,463
You put a hit out on The Hoff for money?
1131
01:01:44,465 --> 01:01:47,302
Wha... W-Wha...
1132
01:01:48,871 --> 01:01:51,137
Memorabilia, you know,
it's quite a big thing.
1133
01:01:51,139 --> 01:01:53,405
I got... I got bathing
suits from Baywatch.
1134
01:01:53,407 --> 01:01:56,142
I stole one from every one of
the girls from the dressing rooms.
1135
01:01:56,144 --> 01:01:58,912
Yeah. Yeah, I-I got the
Knight Rider car outside.
1136
01:01:58,914 --> 01:02:01,046
You know, KITT? You could
sell KITT. Lot of money.
1137
01:02:01,048 --> 01:02:03,349
- Lot of money for KITT, yeah.
- Hey, man, I like all that shit.
1138
01:02:03,351 --> 01:02:05,418
- I'm a fan. I am.
- Good.
1139
01:02:05,420 --> 01:02:07,954
But I work for a greedy
motherfucker that wants you dead.
1140
01:02:07,956 --> 01:02:10,389
So, yeah, I love Baywatch.
1141
01:02:10,391 --> 01:02:13,793
Knight Rider, that was my jam.
1142
01:02:13,795 --> 01:02:15,394
- Oh.
- When I was 16 years old,
1143
01:02:15,396 --> 01:02:17,164
I taped three pieces of red licorice
1144
01:02:17,166 --> 01:02:19,099
on the dashboard of my Toyota Celica,
1145
01:02:19,101 --> 01:02:22,202
drove around like I was Michael
Knight on adventures and shit.
1146
01:02:22,204 --> 01:02:26,173
I flew my ass to Gutenberg, Germany,
to watch you perform two nights.
1147
01:02:26,175 --> 01:02:29,075
- Both nights you blew the roof off.
- Thank you. Thank you.
1148
01:02:29,077 --> 01:02:31,110
- Amazing show!
- Thank you.
1149
01:02:31,112 --> 01:02:33,546
- Every Fräulein in that spot had her panties wet.
- Yeah.
1150
01:02:33,548 --> 01:02:35,816
- I didn't want to leave Germany.
- Okay.
1151
01:02:35,818 --> 01:02:36,916
I get it. Thank you.
1152
01:02:36,918 --> 01:02:38,517
But I got a job to do.
1153
01:02:38,519 --> 01:02:41,387
So turn that candy-ass around.
1154
01:02:41,389 --> 01:02:42,824
Wha...
1155
01:02:43,891 --> 01:02:46,092
Don't give me those baby blues.
1156
01:02:46,094 --> 01:02:48,260
Don't you do it.
1157
01:02:48,262 --> 01:02:50,095
Don't give me that winning smile.
1158
01:02:50,097 --> 01:02:51,998
Don't you dare.
1159
01:02:52,000 --> 01:02:54,034
Turn that ass around!
1160
01:02:54,036 --> 01:02:57,304
Yeah, real slow, like.
1161
01:02:57,306 --> 01:02:58,938
Oh, good God.
1162
01:02:58,940 --> 01:03:00,606
Look at that back.
1163
01:03:00,608 --> 01:03:03,242
So shiny.
1164
01:03:03,244 --> 01:03:05,211
Look like a planetarium.
1165
01:03:07,181 --> 01:03:11,083
I just want to fly my rocket
ship through your space.
1166
01:03:11,085 --> 01:03:13,519
I'll tell you what.
1167
01:03:13,521 --> 01:03:15,988
Another time, another place,
1168
01:03:15,990 --> 01:03:18,291
I'd tear that ass up.
1169
01:03:18,293 --> 01:03:20,193
Oh, yeah, baby.
1170
01:03:21,530 --> 01:03:22,829
- That's what I'm talking about.
- I wouldn't...
1171
01:03:22,831 --> 01:03:27,166
Just look out at the water, think
about saving some buxom bitch.
1172
01:03:27,168 --> 01:03:29,135
W- Wha... What?
1173
01:03:29,137 --> 01:03:31,972
Can I ask you a question?
1174
01:03:31,974 --> 01:03:35,443
You ever thought about
growing a Selleck 'stache?
1175
01:03:37,445 --> 01:03:40,112
Ha!
1176
01:03:40,114 --> 01:03:42,581
Days like this make life worth living.
1177
01:03:42,583 --> 01:03:45,117
I gotta be honest with you guys.
1178
01:03:45,119 --> 01:03:47,920
I've never killed anyone
in a house this nice.
1179
01:03:47,922 --> 01:03:51,157
Hey, you want to be a reality TV star?
1180
01:03:51,159 --> 01:03:54,026
I can make that happen.
1181
01:03:55,364 --> 01:03:58,498
The-The... The The Real
Hit Man of Los Angeles.
1182
01:03:58,500 --> 01:04:02,302
Just drop the gun. I'll
set the whole thing up.
1183
01:04:02,304 --> 01:04:06,338
I hate reality shows. I'm
more of a scripted guy.
1184
01:04:09,510 --> 01:04:10,545
One...
1185
01:04:13,382 --> 01:04:15,215
Fuck!
1186
01:04:15,217 --> 01:04:16,485
Dang, fucking teeth!
1187
01:04:17,619 --> 01:04:19,387
Chris!
1188
01:04:26,594 --> 01:04:28,463
You killed my best friend!
1189
01:04:32,067 --> 01:04:34,202
You piece of shit.
1190
01:04:44,112 --> 01:04:46,648
This ends right fucking now.
1191
01:04:48,449 --> 01:04:51,486
Yes, it does, cocksucker!
1192
01:04:53,121 --> 01:04:55,387
Don't rape me.
1193
01:04:55,389 --> 01:04:59,124
I mean, kill me first and then
you can rape me, that's okay.
1194
01:04:59,126 --> 01:05:02,095
Fool! Do I look like a rapist to you?
1195
01:05:02,097 --> 01:05:03,662
I don't rape nobody.
1196
01:05:03,664 --> 01:05:06,333
I make love to my puppies.
1197
01:05:06,335 --> 01:05:08,735
Arf-arf.
1198
01:05:08,737 --> 01:05:11,003
Hey...
1199
01:05:11,005 --> 01:05:12,674
When you're backed into a corner...
1200
01:05:14,309 --> 01:05:16,278
when life pushes you in one direction...
1201
01:05:18,347 --> 01:05:20,682
and your heart tells you to
go in another direction...
1202
01:05:21,983 --> 01:05:23,450
You gotta dig deep.
1203
01:05:23,452 --> 01:05:24,453
Yeah.
1204
01:05:25,721 --> 01:05:27,686
Find the courage to make the right choice.
1205
01:05:27,688 --> 01:05:29,521
Yeah. You do.
1206
01:05:29,523 --> 01:05:31,090
It may not be easy.
1207
01:05:31,092 --> 01:05:32,224
No.
1208
01:05:32,226 --> 01:05:35,095
But easy ain't always right.
1209
01:05:37,264 --> 01:05:39,532
It's episode 213 of Baywatch.
1210
01:05:39,534 --> 01:05:42,434
- "Crack Crack goes the Waves. "
- Yeah.
1211
01:05:42,436 --> 01:05:46,271
When Hobie bought all that crack and was
smoking it with the kids at the beach.
1212
01:05:46,273 --> 01:05:48,340
Started hoein' out the other girls.
1213
01:05:48,342 --> 01:05:51,478
You had to yell at him.
You gave him that speech.
1214
01:05:51,480 --> 01:05:53,045
I wrote that scene.
1215
01:05:53,047 --> 01:05:56,081
Oh, man, I'm so conflicted.
1216
01:05:56,083 --> 01:05:58,117
- I don't know what to do.
- Okay.
1217
01:05:58,119 --> 01:06:01,688
Do I kill you or do I
make sweet love to you?
1218
01:06:01,690 --> 01:06:03,523
Is there another choice?
1219
01:06:03,525 --> 01:06:07,126
Those are the only two
choices we got, baby.
1220
01:06:07,128 --> 01:06:11,130
Either I murder you right
here, or I murder that ass.
1221
01:06:11,132 --> 01:06:13,599
- No, I...
- I just don't know what I'm gonna do.
1222
01:06:13,601 --> 01:06:16,081
I'll tell you what you're not
going to do! Kill my best friend!
1223
01:06:17,172 --> 01:06:19,338
Oh, man!
1224
01:06:19,340 --> 01:06:21,307
Get the fuck out of here!
1225
01:06:21,309 --> 01:06:23,175
- Oh!
- Ohh!
1226
01:06:23,177 --> 01:06:27,046
Damn it, Redix. You're letting your
dick get in the way of your gun.
1227
01:06:27,048 --> 01:06:29,182
You need to kill this beautiful man.
1228
01:06:29,184 --> 01:06:31,184
Fuck this shit.
1229
01:06:31,186 --> 01:06:35,155
Yeah. Fuck... this... shit.
1230
01:06:35,157 --> 01:06:39,059
Didn't anybody ever tell you not
to bring a knife to a gunfight?
1231
01:06:39,061 --> 01:06:41,327
Didn't anyone ever tell you
1232
01:06:41,329 --> 01:06:44,066
not to hassle The Hoff?
1233
01:07:16,630 --> 01:07:18,697
The dick! You shot me in the dick!
1234
01:07:23,737 --> 01:07:24,838
You okay?
1235
01:07:24,840 --> 01:07:26,242
You saved my life.
1236
01:07:27,208 --> 01:07:29,409
You okay?
1237
01:07:29,411 --> 01:07:31,811
Yeah. Bullet just grazed my head, I think.
1238
01:07:31,813 --> 01:07:34,313
- Let's get out of here.
- Wait, wait, wait.
1239
01:07:34,315 --> 01:07:35,315
Not yet.
1240
01:07:36,751 --> 01:07:38,120
Fuck.
1241
01:07:41,755 --> 01:07:43,822
You pulled a ninja sword off the wall,
1242
01:07:43,824 --> 01:07:46,758
dared a black man with a
gun to shoot you in the face,
1243
01:07:46,760 --> 01:07:49,162
then you deflected the bullet like a fly!
1244
01:07:49,164 --> 01:07:51,264
I ain't gonna lie.
1245
01:07:51,266 --> 01:07:54,400
That's the sexiest shit
I've seen in my life.
1246
01:07:54,402 --> 01:07:55,735
Don't shoot him please!
1247
01:07:55,737 --> 01:07:59,238
Shoot him? I'm about to
suck Michael Knight's dick!
1248
01:07:59,240 --> 01:08:01,541
Y'all should have seen the shit I just saw!
1249
01:08:01,543 --> 01:08:05,177
It was like MacGyver fucked
Batman with Iron Man's dick!
1250
01:08:05,179 --> 01:08:07,213
I quit.
1251
01:08:07,215 --> 01:08:09,249
Barry, you hear that? Batman.
1252
01:08:09,251 --> 01:08:10,450
Superhero.
1253
01:08:10,452 --> 01:08:12,251
And this nigga can sing.
1254
01:08:12,253 --> 01:08:14,686
The musical, I'm telling you,
I know what I'm talking about!
1255
01:08:14,688 --> 01:08:17,357
Get on the phone, call the
heads of all the studios,
1256
01:08:17,359 --> 01:08:19,392
this is gonna be huge!
1257
01:08:19,394 --> 01:08:21,227
You disgust me.
1258
01:08:21,229 --> 01:08:22,928
No, no, don't shoot him. Don't shoot him!
1259
01:08:22,930 --> 01:08:26,201
Chris! No!
1260
01:08:27,601 --> 01:08:29,604
Chris!
1261
01:08:34,442 --> 01:08:35,578
Freeze!
1262
01:08:36,444 --> 01:08:38,178
Fish?
1263
01:08:38,180 --> 01:08:39,478
How did you get here?
1264
01:08:39,480 --> 01:08:41,513
I got a ride here with
my new friend Sebastian.
1265
01:08:41,515 --> 01:08:43,751
If you even think about blinking...
1266
01:08:49,390 --> 01:08:51,590
Hoff didn't die, right?
1267
01:08:51,592 --> 01:08:53,358
Keep freezing.
1268
01:08:53,360 --> 01:08:55,394
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
1269
01:08:55,396 --> 01:08:57,196
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
1270
01:08:57,198 --> 01:08:58,600
I'm sor...
1271
01:09:00,935 --> 01:09:03,369
Chris!
1272
01:09:04,372 --> 01:09:05,938
Chris!
1273
01:09:05,940 --> 01:09:07,807
I'm still alive. I'm still alive.
1274
01:09:07,809 --> 01:09:09,576
- I'm still sorry.
- I'm still alive.
1275
01:09:09,578 --> 01:09:11,311
- We're both sorry.
- I was about to fall asleep.
1276
01:09:11,313 --> 01:09:12,579
Did you blink?
1277
01:09:12,581 --> 01:09:14,214
- Ow, man.
- Be honest.
1278
01:09:14,216 --> 01:09:16,549
When I turned away, did you blink?
1279
01:09:16,551 --> 01:09:18,317
Y'all got a dick Band-Aid or some shit?
1280
01:09:33,501 --> 01:09:34,501
Ann?
1281
01:09:36,971 --> 01:09:40,542
My family wants to have
me committed, but...
1282
01:09:43,244 --> 01:09:45,247
I have a little surprise for you.
1283
01:09:49,384 --> 01:09:51,517
What are you doing here?
1284
01:09:51,519 --> 01:09:54,320
I tried to kill you like... two times.
1285
01:09:54,322 --> 01:09:55,557
But you didn't.
1286
01:09:56,524 --> 01:09:57,956
You saved my life.
1287
01:09:57,958 --> 01:09:59,759
And in the process, man,
1288
01:09:59,761 --> 01:10:01,931
Jesus, you almost got yourself killed.
1289
01:10:08,369 --> 01:10:09,369
How you feeling?
1290
01:10:12,707 --> 01:10:13,973
Lucky.
1291
01:10:13,975 --> 01:10:15,040
Really, really lucky.
1292
01:10:15,042 --> 01:10:16,675
Oh, you didn't hear.
1293
01:10:16,677 --> 01:10:19,012
That Wasserstein guy. He's dead.
1294
01:10:20,782 --> 01:10:23,616
When the Hoff army found
out he put a hit on me,
1295
01:10:23,618 --> 01:10:25,751
he didn't stand a chance.
1296
01:10:25,753 --> 01:10:27,452
You know, I am not surprised.
1297
01:10:27,454 --> 01:10:30,455
They are an especially aggressive bunch.
1298
01:10:30,457 --> 01:10:32,991
That midget, that red-headed man...
1299
01:10:32,993 --> 01:10:36,629
Chris, Tommy came to me and explained
everything about the death pool.
1300
01:10:36,631 --> 01:10:39,799
I've decided to invest some money
in the club and help you renovate it.
1301
01:10:39,801 --> 01:10:41,968
On one condition.
1302
01:10:41,970 --> 01:10:44,440
You stop playing the death pool.
1303
01:10:45,407 --> 01:10:47,540
You're right.
1304
01:10:47,542 --> 01:10:50,543
You're absolutely right.
I am so sorry, David.
1305
01:10:50,545 --> 01:10:53,745
And I officially withdraw
from the death pool.
1306
01:10:53,747 --> 01:10:55,748
That's my man.
1307
01:10:55,750 --> 01:10:58,017
You got a girl named Ann
sitting right next to you
1308
01:10:58,019 --> 01:11:00,419
who loves you more than you deserve.
1309
01:11:00,421 --> 01:11:01,956
Don't let her regret it.
1310
01:11:03,824 --> 01:11:05,558
I won't.
1311
01:11:05,560 --> 01:11:07,727
And I love you.
1312
01:11:07,729 --> 01:11:09,498
I love you too.
1313
01:11:10,398 --> 01:11:12,331
Well.
1314
01:11:12,333 --> 01:11:14,269
Looks like my work here is done.
1315
01:11:22,976 --> 01:11:25,111
All's well that ends well, right?
1316
01:11:25,113 --> 01:11:27,946
Fish is now out of the mental ward,
Tommy didn't have sex with Ann,
1317
01:11:27,948 --> 01:11:30,383
and I don't owe anyone any money.
1318
01:11:30,385 --> 01:11:32,018
And David Hasselhoff?
1319
01:11:32,020 --> 01:11:34,853
Let's be honest. That guy's
gonna outlive all of us.
1320
01:11:34,855 --> 01:11:36,822
Kid Cudi.
1321
01:11:36,824 --> 01:11:40,660
Whoa, shit, David fucking
Hasselhoff. How are you, man?
1322
01:11:40,662 --> 01:11:42,495
- You look awesome.
- You do too.
1323
01:11:42,497 --> 01:11:44,930
- You just don't fucking age.
- No, neither do you.
1324
01:11:44,932 --> 01:11:48,134
Ladies, listen. Everything I know
about crushing pussy and solving crimes,
1325
01:11:48,136 --> 01:11:49,835
I learned from Michael Knight himself.
1326
01:11:49,837 --> 01:11:51,603
- And that's the truth.
- Yes, yes.
1327
01:11:51,605 --> 01:11:53,638
- Hey.
- Oh, wait.
1328
01:11:53,640 --> 01:11:56,675
- Oh, you still remember our secret handshake?
- Oh, of course.
1329
01:11:56,677 --> 01:11:58,777
Boom! In the holster.
1330
01:11:58,779 --> 01:11:59,946
You still got it.
1331
01:11:59,948 --> 01:12:01,613
Like a disease.
1332
01:12:01,615 --> 01:12:03,081
Yeah. Ladies? Enjoy the night.
1333
01:12:03,083 --> 01:12:05,084
Cudi? Enjoy the ladies.
1334
01:12:06,720 --> 01:12:08,589
Can't believe this, dude.
1335
01:12:12,761 --> 01:12:14,693
It's so fucking crazy.
1336
01:12:14,695 --> 01:12:16,595
I don't deserve this.
1337
01:12:16,597 --> 01:12:18,865
Hey, you took a bullet to the chest.
1338
01:12:18,867 --> 01:12:20,633
You deserve this.
1339
01:12:20,635 --> 01:12:23,068
I think we're the luckiest
people in the world.
1340
01:12:23,070 --> 01:12:25,871
I love you so much.
1341
01:12:25,873 --> 01:12:27,773
Come on, you guys, there's people watching.
1342
01:12:27,775 --> 01:12:28,974
Hey, Tommy.
1343
01:12:28,976 --> 01:12:31,544
Lot of top-shelf pussy here tonight.
1344
01:12:31,546 --> 01:12:34,179
You know, I could get used
to running a club like this.
1345
01:12:34,181 --> 01:12:36,449
It's a lot of fun, you know?
1346
01:12:36,451 --> 01:12:40,186
There's no memorizing lines,
no cars or chicks upstaging me.
1347
01:12:40,188 --> 01:12:41,920
I like it!
1348
01:12:41,922 --> 01:12:45,057
Hey, Chris, you gonna change
your pick for the death pool?
1349
01:12:45,059 --> 01:12:46,558
Nope, I'm out.
1350
01:12:46,560 --> 01:12:48,593
No more death pool.
1351
01:12:48,595 --> 01:12:50,763
I got everything I need right here.
1352
01:12:50,765 --> 01:12:52,531
And I don't have anything against David.
1353
01:12:52,533 --> 01:12:54,599
I respect him.
1354
01:12:54,601 --> 01:12:56,736
You find somebody to take my spot?
1355
01:12:56,738 --> 01:12:58,603
Don't worry. We got a guy.
1356
01:12:58,605 --> 01:13:01,441
- Can I have Chris Kim to the stage?
- I'm sorry. Showtime.
1357
01:13:01,443 --> 01:13:02,909
- Bye.
- Chris Kim to the stage.
1358
01:13:02,911 --> 01:13:04,977
Who took Chris' spot in the pool?
1359
01:13:04,979 --> 01:13:06,849
Oh, well...
1360
01:13:09,818 --> 01:13:10,950
I did.
1361
01:13:10,952 --> 01:13:12,951
No way. Who did you pick?
1362
01:13:12,953 --> 01:13:14,687
I picked myself.
1363
01:13:16,658 --> 01:13:19,862
We all gotta die someday. Might as
well make a few bucks on it, huh?
1364
01:13:22,729 --> 01:13:23,830
- Cheers!
- Cheers!
1365
01:13:23,832 --> 01:13:24,932
Yeah, yeah.
1366
01:13:28,903 --> 01:13:32,938
I'd like to welcome everybody to
the grand reopening of Habitat!
1367
01:13:32,940 --> 01:13:34,009
Huh? Give it up!
1368
01:13:38,645 --> 01:13:40,912
Okay.
1369
01:13:40,914 --> 01:13:43,549
I'm so excited. I want to
introduce my new friend,
1370
01:13:43,551 --> 01:13:45,116
my new business partner,
1371
01:13:45,118 --> 01:13:46,952
and hell, he's my new fucking idol,
1372
01:13:46,954 --> 01:13:48,856
David Hasselhoff!
1373
01:13:51,059 --> 01:13:52,724
Thank you! Thank you very much!
1374
01:13:52,726 --> 01:13:53,961
Give it up for Chris Kim!
1375
01:13:57,030 --> 01:13:58,964
I must admit...
1376
01:13:58,966 --> 01:14:02,101
I must admit I haven't known him very long,
1377
01:14:02,103 --> 01:14:05,071
and at first, uh, he
actually wanted me dead.
1378
01:14:06,841 --> 01:14:10,509
But when it counted most,
he had my very toned back.
1379
01:14:10,511 --> 01:14:13,979
So this goes out to all the lovers
1380
01:14:13,981 --> 01:14:17,016
and all the creamers and all the screamers.
1381
01:14:18,619 --> 01:14:22,588
To you and to Chris Kim.
1382
01:14:22,590 --> 01:14:23,789
Hit it, Joey.
1383
01:14:29,663 --> 01:14:32,665
Oh, come on now. We're gonna crush it.
1384
01:14:32,667 --> 01:14:34,700
You know I'm gonna crush you.
1385
01:14:36,136 --> 01:14:37,672
Here we go now. Come on.
1386
01:14:40,942 --> 01:14:44,210
♪ You know I crush it
Almost all the time ♪
1387
01:14:44,212 --> 01:14:48,680
♪ Not just a pretty face
I got a brilliant mind ♪
1388
01:14:48,682 --> 01:14:52,285
♪ Of course I got haters
But I don't got time ♪
1389
01:14:52,287 --> 01:14:57,089
♪ They don't matter to me
Because the world is mine ♪
1390
01:14:57,091 --> 01:15:00,559
♪ I can't lose
Because I don't quit ♪
1391
01:15:00,561 --> 01:15:01,827
♪ So get out of my face ♪
1392
01:15:01,829 --> 01:15:05,830
♪ Because you know that
I'll be crushing it ♪
1393
01:15:05,832 --> 01:15:08,569
♪ You know I'm
fucking crushing it ♪
1394
01:15:09,871 --> 01:15:13,039
Damn, I'm fucking crushing it.
1395
01:15:13,041 --> 01:15:16,107
♪ I crush it down ♪ I
crush it down packed ♪
1396
01:15:16,109 --> 01:15:20,111
♪ Rolling in my '64 With
the bitches in the back ♪
1397
01:15:20,113 --> 01:15:23,749
♪ If you try to step with me
I'm going to have to attack ♪
1398
01:15:23,751 --> 01:15:25,017
- Look out!
- ♪ Now tell me ♪
1399
01:15:25,019 --> 01:15:28,787
- ♪ What you going to do About that? ♪
- Oh!
1400
01:15:28,789 --> 01:15:32,124
♪ I can't lose
Because I don't quit ♪
1401
01:15:32,126 --> 01:15:34,259
♪ So get out of my way ♪
1402
01:15:34,261 --> 01:15:36,762
♪ Because you know that
I'll be crushing it ♪
1403
01:15:36,764 --> 01:15:40,700
♪ Oh, I'm crushing it ♪
1404
01:15:40,702 --> 01:15:42,168
♪ Ooh ♪
1405
01:15:42,170 --> 01:15:44,903
♪ Oh, I'm crushing it ♪
1406
01:15:44,905 --> 01:15:48,174
- ♪ Ooh ♪
- ♪ You know I'm fucking crushing it ♪
1407
01:15:48,176 --> 01:15:50,276
♪ Ooh ♪
1408
01:15:50,278 --> 01:15:52,611
♪ Damn I'm fucking crushing it ♪
1409
01:15:52,613 --> 01:15:54,813
Everybody!
1410
01:15:54,815 --> 01:15:56,715
♪ The Hoff is crushing it ♪
1411
01:15:56,717 --> 01:15:59,050
♪ Oh ♪
1412
01:15:59,052 --> 01:16:00,251
♪ The Hoff is crushing it ♪
1413
01:16:00,253 --> 01:16:02,153
Oh, yeah!
1414
01:16:02,155 --> 01:16:04,824
♪ You know The Hoff
is crushing it ♪
1415
01:16:04,826 --> 01:16:08,326
- ♪ Ooh ♪
- Goddamn, he's fucking crushing it.
1416
01:16:08,328 --> 01:16:10,862
Oh, baby, oh.
1417
01:16:10,864 --> 01:16:13,165
♪ The Hoff is crushing it down ♪
1418
01:16:13,167 --> 01:16:15,134
♪ Yeah ♪
1419
01:16:15,136 --> 01:16:17,803
♪ The Hoff is crushing it down ♪
1420
01:16:17,805 --> 01:16:20,639
- Oh!
- Do it, little man.
1421
01:16:20,641 --> 01:16:26,678
♪ Ooh ♪
1422
01:16:26,680 --> 01:16:31,651
♪ Ooh, crushing it down ♪
1423
01:16:31,653 --> 01:16:33,652
♪ He's crushing it down ♪
1424
01:16:41,194 --> 01:16:42,794
Where to, David?
1425
01:16:42,796 --> 01:16:44,796
Wherever there's injustice.
1426
01:16:44,798 --> 01:16:47,266
Wherever there's someone in need of a hero.
1427
01:16:47,268 --> 01:16:49,268
Wherever there are women.
1428
01:16:49,270 --> 01:16:51,070
I could use a tune-up, David.
1429
01:16:51,072 --> 01:16:53,705
Whatever you like, pal.
1430
01:16:53,707 --> 01:16:57,108
The night is young, and I'm ready to roll.
1431
01:16:57,110 --> 01:17:00,178
Well, guess Hasselhoff is the man.
1432
01:17:00,180 --> 01:17:01,379
No, no, no.
1433
01:17:01,381 --> 01:17:03,250
Hasselhoff is the fucking man.
1434
01:17:06,887 --> 01:17:08,086
Turbo boost?
1435
01:17:08,088 --> 01:17:09,256
Turbo boost engaged.
1436
01:17:19,132 --> 01:17:21,032
Okay. You're good.
1437
01:17:21,034 --> 01:17:22,201
- You're good.
- I'm fine.
1438
01:17:22,203 --> 01:17:24,135
Yeah. Look at you. Have you...
1439
01:17:24,137 --> 01:17:26,071
Have you... Have you gained weight?
1440
01:17:26,073 --> 01:17:27,873
- That's a good look on you.
- Yeah.
1441
01:17:27,875 --> 01:17:31,177
- I love that.
- I've been drinking.
1442
01:17:31,179 --> 01:17:32,777
That's why I'm here.
1443
01:17:32,779 --> 01:17:35,313
I'm looking for him. I'm
searching around, you know.
1444
01:17:39,153 --> 01:17:41,920
- Let me try...
- No!
1445
01:17:41,922 --> 01:17:44,423
Let's push it through the other side.
1446
01:17:44,425 --> 01:17:46,392
Oh, no! Don't push it
through the other side!
1447
01:17:46,394 --> 01:17:48,928
I actually made a list
1448
01:17:48,930 --> 01:17:50,361
of the ways I want to kill him.
1449
01:17:50,363 --> 01:17:53,331
Leeches?
1450
01:17:53,333 --> 01:17:56,302
Or we could go to the Amazon?
1451
01:17:56,304 --> 01:17:58,036
Come for a quick trip there.
1452
01:17:58,038 --> 01:18:01,807
Don't-Don't wear your trousers.
1453
01:18:01,809 --> 01:18:03,742
Rack of wedding dresses.
1454
01:18:03,744 --> 01:18:05,945
What the fuck happened?
1455
01:18:05,947 --> 01:18:08,013
Get after him! Get after him.
1456
01:18:08,015 --> 01:18:09,749
I need a second to be alone.
1457
01:18:09,751 --> 01:18:11,416
Ah!
1458
01:18:11,418 --> 01:18:13,218
Ah, come on.
1459
01:18:13,220 --> 01:18:14,986
Come on.
1460
01:18:14,988 --> 01:18:16,421
Come on!
1461
01:18:16,423 --> 01:18:20,159
God! Oh, God. That's it.
1462
01:18:20,161 --> 01:18:22,061
Um, Freddie Mercury... Oh, no.
1463
01:18:22,063 --> 01:18:24,830
That should just say "mercury. "
1464
01:18:24,832 --> 01:18:26,331
Or I kill you
1465
01:18:26,333 --> 01:18:31,336
or we have sex right on this
cow-ass carpet right here.
1466
01:18:31,338 --> 01:18:32,838
I think, uh...
1467
01:18:32,840 --> 01:18:34,205
That's from Rawhide.
1468
01:18:34,207 --> 01:18:37,876
- And...
- Oh, it's going to get raw hide.
1469
01:18:37,878 --> 01:18:40,545
- No, it's...
- We 'bout to gets raw hide up in here.
1470
01:18:40,547 --> 01:18:42,848
That's a lot of money. No...
1471
01:18:42,850 --> 01:18:45,384
There's a lot of things in
my house that are worth...
1472
01:18:45,386 --> 01:18:47,852
I want you to put a lot
of things in my house.
1473
01:18:47,854 --> 01:18:50,156
When I say "house" I mean my asshole.
1474
01:18:50,158 --> 01:18:51,857
- Whoa, whoa.
- Yeah.
1475
01:18:51,859 --> 01:18:55,126
Were you... Were you ever imprisoned?
1476
01:18:55,128 --> 01:18:56,361
Voluntarily.
1477
01:18:56,363 --> 01:18:59,397
Vol... Voluntarily!
1478
01:18:59,399 --> 01:19:01,567
The Hoff! We're going to kill The Hoff.
1479
01:19:01,569 --> 01:19:04,969
We're going to kill him, and maybe eat him.
1480
01:19:04,971 --> 01:19:06,539
No? Too much.
1481
01:19:08,943 --> 01:19:10,409
Ruptured appendix.
1482
01:19:11,979 --> 01:19:14,112
Not funny. He's going to die with that.
1483
01:19:14,114 --> 01:19:16,518
Just subtly rupture his appendix.
1484
01:19:18,386 --> 01:19:22,955
Um, put a tie on too tight.
1485
01:19:22,957 --> 01:19:25,290
Whoop! Got to go the wedding.
I'll help you with that!
1486
01:19:25,292 --> 01:19:26,291
Fuck, he's dead.
1487
01:19:26,293 --> 01:19:29,294
Oh! God!
1488
01:19:29,296 --> 01:19:32,565
It fucking didn't work!
1489
01:19:34,902 --> 01:19:36,936
Fat man's hugs.
1490
01:19:36,938 --> 01:19:38,269
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1491
01:19:38,271 --> 01:19:40,238
We're just having fun at the end there.
1492
01:19:40,240 --> 01:19:42,074
What the fuck?
1493
01:19:42,076 --> 01:19:45,510
Those are the only two
choices we got, baby.
1494
01:19:45,512 --> 01:19:48,379
- No, there's got to be another choice.
- Nah, man.
1495
01:19:48,381 --> 01:19:50,415
Either I murder you right here,
1496
01:19:50,417 --> 01:19:52,418
or I murder that ass.
1497
01:19:52,420 --> 01:19:54,053
There's... There's got to...
1498
01:19:54,055 --> 01:19:57,055
- Let's think of a third choice together.
- I ain't got one.
1499
01:19:57,057 --> 01:19:58,557
- Please.
- Things come in twos.
1500
01:19:58,559 --> 01:19:59,991
No, I...
1501
01:19:59,993 --> 01:20:01,893
No, they don't. They do?
1502
01:20:01,895 --> 01:20:04,530
Only... Things come...
1503
01:20:04,532 --> 01:20:09,067
Bullfight. Okay, dress up as a bull.
1504
01:20:09,069 --> 01:20:12,103
Sink hole. You hear about those
big holes that suddenly appear.
1505
01:20:12,105 --> 01:20:14,607
It was on the news. Half
a town's been swallowed up.
1506
01:20:14,609 --> 01:20:16,474
Get him into one of those towns.
1507
01:20:16,476 --> 01:20:18,309
Oh, fuck you.
1508
01:20:18,311 --> 01:20:19,611
No, no, wait.
1509
01:20:24,153 --> 01:20:29,153
Subtitles by explosiveskull
1510
01:20:29,155 --> 01:20:31,022
Ah, acting.
1511
01:20:31,024 --> 01:20:32,491
Somebody has to do it.
114475
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof