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1
00:00:23,058 --> 00:00:24,285
[exhales]
2
00:00:24,891 --> 00:00:28,161
For the last time, dude,
get the fuck out of here
3
00:00:28,259 --> 00:00:30,629
with the "Gandalf could just
fly over Middle-earth
4
00:00:30,714 --> 00:00:32,090
and drop the ring
into the fires of
5
00:00:32,175 --> 00:00:34,988
Mount Doom from
atop an eagle" bullshit!
6
00:00:35,301 --> 00:00:38,505
I've clearly laid it out
on a LOTR subreddit.
7
00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:41,207
What do you want to watch?
8
00:00:41,307 --> 00:00:42,776
We could watch Harley Quinn.
9
00:00:42,877 --> 00:00:44,076
[spluttering]
10
00:00:44,176 --> 00:00:45,612
- No!
- Have you seen the show?
11
00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:47,297
Oh, God, no!
12
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:50,534
It's just another heavy-handed
female empowerment story,
13
00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:54,353
where the true villain is the
quote-unquote "patriarchy."
14
00:00:54,454 --> 00:00:55,422
So basic.
15
00:00:55,507 --> 00:00:56,529
Yeah, I guess.
16
00:00:56,613 --> 00:01:00,009
I heard Harley takes down Joker
at the end of season one!
17
00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:04,463
I'm sorry, but "cucked" isn't a great
color on the greatest villain of all time.
18
00:01:04,564 --> 00:01:06,533
That's what this review says.
19
00:01:06,632 --> 00:01:08,569
- [slurping]
- Hey, you wrote this one.
20
00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:11,337
I can't believe you want
to watch this show.
21
00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:14,408
You know, they just did a three-episode
arc, where Harley beats Penguin,
22
00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:17,444
Riddler and Mr. Freeze,
using nothing but her Mary Sue powers!
23
00:01:17,543 --> 00:01:19,546
Are you sure you haven't
seen the show?
24
00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:22,481
Yeah! 'Cause I'm not
a 12-year old girl.
25
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:24,150
Also, dude,
26
00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:27,219
why would I watch a show
that's set in Gotham City,
27
00:01:27,319 --> 00:01:28,621
but Batman's barely in it?
28
00:01:28,721 --> 00:01:30,456
You watched
all five seasons of Gotham.
29
00:01:30,557 --> 00:01:34,361
Because it wasn't a fucking
tsunami of virtue signaling.
30
00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:35,684
Here, smart guy.
31
00:01:35,768 --> 00:01:39,198
Let's see what this week's
episode of Harley Quinn is about.
32
00:01:39,299 --> 00:01:41,963
"Harley Quinn and her best friend,
Poison Ivy..."
33
00:01:42,048 --> 00:01:43,052
See?
34
00:01:43,136 --> 00:01:47,256
"...aren't in this episode, which
focuses on Batman waking from his coma
35
00:01:47,340 --> 00:01:49,742
and vowing to take back
Gotham City."
36
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:53,914
Fuck! Fine! But if it sucks,
we're watching Family Guy.
37
00:01:54,013 --> 00:01:57,164
[theme music playing]
38
00:02:04,724 --> 00:02:06,293
[grunting]
39
00:02:07,527 --> 00:02:08,929
Okay. [groans]
40
00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:11,230
[back cracks]
41
00:02:12,331 --> 00:02:13,831
[grunting]
42
00:02:20,706 --> 00:02:23,257
[sighs in relief]
43
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,447
[dramatic music plays]
44
00:02:27,546 --> 00:02:28,882
Alfred!
45
00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:30,608
- [rod clangs]
- [thuds]
46
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:35,187
- [Bruce groans] - It's
not as bad as it looks.
47
00:02:35,288 --> 00:02:36,506
Why don't you
come back to bed?
48
00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:38,625
I've made you
a cup of honey tea
49
00:02:38,724 --> 00:02:40,081
and pigs in blankets.
50
00:02:40,165 --> 00:02:43,330
I don't want pigs in a blanket.
I want to fight crime.
51
00:02:44,330 --> 00:02:45,526
I will take that honey tea.
52
00:02:45,610 --> 00:02:48,769
Let's get you back to bed,
Master Bruce. You need your rest.
53
00:02:48,868 --> 00:02:51,153
I've rested enough.
Gotham needs Batman.
54
00:02:51,237 --> 00:02:54,357
And it will get him,
once he's made a full physical recovery.
55
00:02:54,441 --> 00:02:55,758
In the time
you were in a coma,
56
00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:58,711
312 new television shows
came out.
57
00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:01,664
What say we be binge buddies?
58
00:03:01,748 --> 00:03:04,167
- Get me Jim Gordon.
- We needn't bother Mr. Gordon.
59
00:03:04,251 --> 00:03:07,454
He's making sure law and order
are returned to the city.
60
00:03:07,554 --> 00:03:09,138
We are so fucked!
61
00:03:09,222 --> 00:03:10,991
It's a shit show out there!
62
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:12,841
I saw a dog kill a man
on the street,
63
00:03:12,925 --> 00:03:16,245
and then I saw the dog do
other things to that man.
64
00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:18,480
What, have you been in a
coma these last few months?
65
00:03:18,564 --> 00:03:20,500
No. I've been doing stuff.
66
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,787
Ah! [chuckles] You playboys,
always doing stuff.
67
00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:24,950
Must be nice.
68
00:03:25,034 --> 00:03:27,574
Now, I brought a list of
things I need you to pay for,
69
00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:29,376
so I can take back the city.
70
00:03:29,475 --> 00:03:32,979
One, police officers.
Two, a codpiece that I can wear
71
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,247
that opens up and shoots
a tiny missile.
72
00:03:35,348 --> 00:03:36,515
That doesn't exist.
73
00:03:36,616 --> 00:03:38,440
Not yet.
74
00:03:38,525 --> 00:03:40,402
That's where you
and your fat wallet come in.
75
00:03:40,486 --> 00:03:43,472
Mr. Wayne is not going
to bankroll your imaginary...
76
00:03:43,556 --> 00:03:45,324
Tone it down there, limey.
77
00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:47,995
Now, look, I'm the only one
who can save the city.
78
00:03:48,094 --> 00:03:50,597
At least, since the Bat
abandoned us.
79
00:03:50,697 --> 00:03:52,414
Are there no heroes left
in Gotham?
80
00:03:52,498 --> 00:03:56,741
[groans] Just a couple of
amateurs popping off. Take a look.
81
00:04:01,441 --> 00:04:04,711
[Gordon] This Yankee doodle dandy in a
powdered wig calls himself "The Macaroni."
82
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,217
- [man grunts]
- As in...
83
00:04:06,301 --> 00:04:07,830
♪ Stuck a feather
in his hat... ♪
84
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,275
And you know the rest.
85
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:11,266
[Bruce] That wig's a walking
"kick me" sign.
86
00:04:11,350 --> 00:04:13,954
If you think that's bad,
check out the broad in the bat suit.
87
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:16,857
[Gordon] They're calling
her Batgirl.
88
00:04:16,956 --> 00:04:19,408
That's futile. These
lightweights aren't prepared
89
00:04:19,492 --> 00:04:22,728
to go mano y mano
with Two-Face or Bane.
90
00:04:22,829 --> 00:04:26,365
Without Batman, people don't
have the balls to fight back.
91
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:31,504
I got word
Quinn took down Freeze.
92
00:04:31,605 --> 00:04:33,607
That clown is a pain
in my ass.
93
00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:35,408
- Hey, that's not your chair.
- [grunts]
94
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:37,744
We're keeping it open
for honorary purposes.
95
00:04:37,845 --> 00:04:39,262
- That's your chair.
- [groans]
96
00:04:39,346 --> 00:04:40,430
Have some respect.
97
00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:42,048
[Bane] Oh, okay.
98
00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:44,918
Does this rule apply
to parking spots?
99
00:04:45,019 --> 00:04:47,788
If so, I'll need to
move my Volvo.
100
00:04:47,887 --> 00:04:49,889
Look, I've been doing
some thinking.
101
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:52,492
[chuckles]
102
00:04:52,591 --> 00:04:54,661
Oh, sorry, I thought
that was a punchline.
103
00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:57,596
Quinn's on a dare.
And we're next.
104
00:04:57,697 --> 00:05:00,399
Maybe we should
consolidate power
105
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:04,071
and join forces to protect
ourselves from external threats.
106
00:05:04,170 --> 00:05:06,072
What, you and me? Collab?
107
00:05:06,173 --> 00:05:09,425
Ha! You got your hands full
with Banetown.
108
00:05:09,509 --> 00:05:12,678
Hey, it's the locals.
We say "Bane-ton."
109
00:05:12,778 --> 00:05:16,382
The way you remember it,
it rhymes with Plankton.
110
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,300
That's a soft rhyme at best.
111
00:05:18,384 --> 00:05:20,216
Look, I'm not worried
about Quinn.
112
00:05:20,300 --> 00:05:23,072
Besides, why would I want to
team up with the likes of you?
113
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,992
You don't even have
a big boy chair.
114
00:05:25,091 --> 00:05:27,283
I... [grunting]
115
00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:29,713
- [grunts] - Ah,
don't get your little singlet in a bunch,
116
00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:30,930
I'm just having a goof.
117
00:05:31,031 --> 00:05:33,033
So, are we teaming up?
118
00:05:33,966 --> 00:05:35,966
- No.
- [sad groan]
119
00:05:39,639 --> 00:05:41,024
[music plays]
120
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:43,188
- [Batgirl] Up here, dummy.
- [camera shutter clicks]
121
00:05:44,877 --> 00:05:46,413
[grunting]
122
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:53,386
[panting] Hey, guys,
today's safety tip.
123
00:05:53,485 --> 00:05:55,689
Instead of going to a party
this Friday night,
124
00:05:55,788 --> 00:05:59,093
sign up for a self-defense class. Right,
buddy?
125
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,677
This is Batgirl, signing off.
126
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:01,762
[grunts]
127
00:06:02,728 --> 00:06:04,598
Research, Master Wayne?
128
00:06:04,697 --> 00:06:07,783
This sorority girl can't run
around wearing the bat symbol!
129
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:09,683
It's gonna make people
think I'm back!
130
00:06:09,767 --> 00:06:12,939
So your quibble is with the
unsanctioned use of your logo, sir?
131
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,850
A, it's not a logo.
It's a symbol,
132
00:06:14,935 --> 00:06:16,927
meant to strike fear into
the hearts of criminals.
133
00:06:17,011 --> 00:06:19,846
And B, if that little girl's
killed while wearing it,
134
00:06:19,947 --> 00:06:21,582
the city of Gotham
will lose all hope.
135
00:06:21,667 --> 00:06:24,101
Well, there's nothing you can
do about it now, Master Wayne.
136
00:06:24,185 --> 00:06:26,002
You can barely make
a solid bowel movement.
137
00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:28,021
Well, maybe Bruce Wayne can't.
138
00:06:28,122 --> 00:06:30,922
But I know someone who can.
139
00:06:36,762 --> 00:06:37,764
[Batgirl grunts]
140
00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:41,434
- [thuds]
- [gasps]
141
00:06:41,535 --> 00:06:43,603
- Who's there?
- Always check your six.
142
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:46,673
[squealing excitedly]
Oh, my God! Batman?
143
00:06:46,773 --> 00:06:49,076
I am such a stan!
144
00:06:49,175 --> 00:06:51,478
- Hmm.
- I'm wearing your logo.
145
00:06:51,577 --> 00:06:53,047
It's a symbol.
146
00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:54,714
And one you shouldn't
be wearing.
147
00:06:54,814 --> 00:06:56,733
Oh, frick! Is it copyrighted?
148
00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:59,569
I swear to God I'm not making
any money off of it.
149
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:02,538
It took me years of training to
establish trust with the people of Gotham.
150
00:07:02,622 --> 00:07:04,658
You're out of your depth.
It's not safe.
151
00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:07,627
I appreciate your notes,
but I can handle myself.
152
00:07:09,949 --> 00:07:11,113
- You were saying?
- [gasps]
153
00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:12,249
Oh, my God, you guys,
154
00:07:12,333 --> 00:07:14,901
I have awesome breaking news.
155
00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:19,122
Batman... Yes,
The Batman is back in Gotham.
156
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:20,856
Do you still have
a million followers?
157
00:07:20,940 --> 00:07:22,158
Actually 1.3 million.
158
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:24,093
Yeah, but most of them
are bots, right?
159
00:07:24,177 --> 00:07:26,677
- Batman is back!
- Hmm.
160
00:07:31,817 --> 00:07:35,088
Ladies and gents,
going to need you to stay calm
161
00:07:35,189 --> 00:07:38,473
while my associates and I
relieve this establishment
162
00:07:38,557 --> 00:07:40,927
of a little coin.
You know I like coins.
163
00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:43,062
[chuckles] Fill her up,
sweetheart.
164
00:07:43,163 --> 00:07:45,632
No! We're not afraid
of you anymore.
165
00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:49,702
What? Of course you are. Look
at the guns and half my face.
166
00:07:49,802 --> 00:07:50,870
[grunts]
167
00:07:52,738 --> 00:07:54,740
Ow! Ow, fuck!
168
00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:58,677
We're not afraid,
'cause Batman's back.
169
00:07:58,778 --> 00:08:00,646
Just leave us alone.
170
00:08:00,747 --> 00:08:01,949
Yeah.
171
00:08:02,048 --> 00:08:04,050
Wait, Batman's really back?
172
00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:07,653
- [people cheering] - That's
right. Rebellion is in the air!
173
00:08:07,754 --> 00:08:09,622
Batman's back, baby!
174
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:12,559
And with him,
hope for the people of Gotham!
175
00:08:12,658 --> 00:08:15,844
I'm gonna live forever!
Batman's back!
176
00:08:15,928 --> 00:08:16,930
[woman grunts]
177
00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:21,168
You can wipe that smug look
off your face.
178
00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:22,802
That's not smug.
179
00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:24,937
- This is smug.
- Devastating.
180
00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,173
I never said I was back.
Batgirl did.
181
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,209
Yet, you didn't deny it.
182
00:08:29,310 --> 00:08:32,245
And now all of Gotham is as full of
false hope as an undercooked meat pie!
183
00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:35,782
Enlighten me.
Why can't Batman be back?
184
00:08:35,881 --> 00:08:37,583
Still unable
to reach your feet?
185
00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:40,254
I've been rocking slip-ons.
My feet run hot.
186
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:43,906
But if you think I'm too weak to get
back out there and I'll fail, just say it.
187
00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:45,192
You're too weak
and will fail.
188
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:46,927
I am strong and will succeed!
189
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,662
Fine. Prove it.
Put these on.
190
00:08:52,166 --> 00:08:54,600
[groaning] Come on.
191
00:08:55,067 --> 00:08:56,702
Come on!
192
00:08:56,802 --> 00:08:57,937
[grunting]
193
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,957
Oh, that's right, you can't.
194
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,643
Seems to me,
the city's protector should be able to
195
00:09:03,743 --> 00:09:06,128
put his sockie-poos
on his feetsies.
196
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:09,766
But what do I know? I just took you
in after your parents were murdered,
197
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:12,052
loved you like I would
my own son.
198
00:09:12,152 --> 00:09:14,754
Cared for you unconditionally.
199
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:17,773
Changed your diapers
when you were in a coma.
200
00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:19,724
You don't know what
it's like to be a warrior.
201
00:09:19,808 --> 00:09:21,677
I'll have you know,
I was in Her Majesty's Royal Navy.
202
00:09:21,761 --> 00:09:23,113
What did you guys fight over?
203
00:09:23,197 --> 00:09:24,998
[in British accent]
Who get the last scone?
204
00:09:25,097 --> 00:09:26,181
On occasion, we did.
205
00:09:26,265 --> 00:09:28,117
Your ego is writing checks
206
00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:31,804
your broken body
cannot cash, sir.
207
00:09:33,706 --> 00:09:35,808
"Your ego's writing checks..."
[blabbering]
208
00:09:35,908 --> 00:09:37,010
Connect me to Lucius Fox.
209
00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:46,048
Oh! There you are, buddy.
Hey, I got a surprise for you.
210
00:09:51,457 --> 00:09:52,725
[sighs]
211
00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:54,094
- [chair squeaking]
- Huh?
212
00:09:54,193 --> 00:09:56,129
How does she ride?
Ain't she a beaut?
213
00:09:56,230 --> 00:09:58,899
Look, it's adjustable. It can
be any height you want it to be.
214
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:00,033
It's like magic.
215
00:10:00,134 --> 00:10:01,984
Yeah. I love it.
216
00:10:02,068 --> 00:10:04,370
The lower lumbar support
is helpful.
217
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:05,483
[grunts]
218
00:10:05,567 --> 00:10:09,708
Not a lot of chairs designed for
guys with overdeveloped traps.
219
00:10:09,809 --> 00:10:11,812
You look parched.
Let me get you a drink.
220
00:10:11,912 --> 00:10:14,414
If I remember correctly,
you're a sparkling guy, right?
221
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:15,782
Aw!
222
00:10:15,881 --> 00:10:17,250
[slurping]
223
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,885
Is that coconut?
[slurping]
224
00:10:22,456 --> 00:10:23,681
Delicious!
225
00:10:23,765 --> 00:10:26,142
Hey, I admit I was
being tough on you yesterday.
226
00:10:26,226 --> 00:10:28,195
But that was just some
good-natured ribbing.
227
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:29,916
Brotherly love, et cetera.
228
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,298
It felt very personal.
229
00:10:31,398 --> 00:10:32,748
And frankly, mean-spirited.
230
00:10:32,832 --> 00:10:34,417
Well, I've thought about
what you said
231
00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:36,718
in regards to us
joining forces,
232
00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:40,706
and how we're more likely to
survive if we stick together, and I'm in.
233
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:44,160
Let's do it, you and me,
an equal partnership. Fifty-fifty.
234
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:49,149
Hmm. Does this have anything
to do with Batman coming back?
235
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:51,217
- Can I be honest with you?
- Of course.
236
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,385
It does not.
237
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,388
So what do you say,
partner?
238
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:57,024
As long as it's 50-50.
239
00:10:57,124 --> 00:10:58,859
All right,
now let's talk branding.
240
00:10:58,958 --> 00:11:01,277
We need to communicate
that we're working together,
241
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:02,811
and not to be fucked with.
242
00:11:02,895 --> 00:11:04,730
I got something I wanna
show you. Hey, boys!
243
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:11,270
But... That's not a...
That's just a picture of you.
244
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:14,207
I'm not even on the poster...
[stammers]
245
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:15,891
Where's the 50 and 50?
246
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,426
What are you talking about?
That's you, right there.
247
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,061
No, that is a shadow.
248
00:11:19,145 --> 00:11:21,748
I was born there,
but that's not me.
249
00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,884
And look,
it's only got your name on it!
250
00:11:23,984 --> 00:11:25,701
What are you talking about!
251
00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:28,922
That's you,
that's me. We each got a face. Two-Faces.
252
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,241
I think it's too much
of a thinker.
253
00:11:31,325 --> 00:11:33,276
Nah, everyone knows
that it's the both of us.
254
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,411
Equal partners, right?
255
00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:40,299
[stammers] I would be open to a bus poster,
like the twins poster,
256
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,168
where it's you,
but it says Bane.
257
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:44,303
And then it's me,
but it says Two-Face.
258
00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:46,273
But I've gotta be
on there.
259
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:49,142
Otherwise, you know,
this is...
260
00:11:49,243 --> 00:11:50,777
I'm a name.
261
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:53,812
Loaded with firepower
and razor-sharp weaponry,
262
00:11:53,913 --> 00:11:58,418
the titanium-dipped body armor comes
fitted with a strength-compensation dial.
263
00:11:58,519 --> 00:12:03,519
I've also added a customized AI to
provide tech support and system analysis.
264
00:12:03,624 --> 00:12:05,426
Her name is Monica.
265
00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:07,826
[sighs]
266
00:12:07,927 --> 00:12:09,495
You deserve better, Monica.
267
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,167
[laughing]
268
00:12:14,268 --> 00:12:15,451
Oh, hello, Alfred.
269
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:17,504
Going behind my back
to have Lucius build you
270
00:12:17,605 --> 00:12:20,139
a bat suit to compensate
for your feeble state?
271
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,925
No, I'm just hanging
with my buddy,
272
00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:25,446
like friends do. Jealous?
273
00:12:25,546 --> 00:12:27,863
Oh, look! A suit of lies.
274
00:12:27,947 --> 00:12:32,918
You cannot fight crime in
your current physical condition.
275
00:12:33,019 --> 00:12:35,956
Yeah. That's what the
suit is for. Tell him, Lucius.
276
00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:39,175
I need to get going.
277
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,193
I have Pilates tonight.
278
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:43,129
- Alfred.
- Lucius.
279
00:12:45,633 --> 00:12:48,835
You're not getting that suit
and you're not to fight crime.
280
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:50,437
I forbid it.
281
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,474
Fine. If that's
the way you feel.
282
00:12:53,573 --> 00:12:55,241
Forgive me
if I don't trust you.
283
00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:57,110
This is coming with me.
284
00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:58,979
- [whimpering and grunting]
- [creaking]
285
00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:02,416
The dolly's got a bum wheel.
286
00:13:04,183 --> 00:13:06,734
[Alfred grunting]
287
00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:10,990
Elevator's broken.
288
00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:12,359
[Alfred continues grunting]
289
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:13,927
[Alfred] No trouble at all.
290
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:15,828
- [slurping]
- [clanking and thudding]
291
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:18,464
[snoring]
292
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:22,967
[softly] Monica.
293
00:13:25,239 --> 00:13:26,239
[swooshing]
294
00:13:27,106 --> 00:13:29,009
[shushing] Quiet.
295
00:13:31,412 --> 00:13:33,062
[swooshing]
296
00:13:49,296 --> 00:13:50,645
[snoring]
297
00:13:59,004 --> 00:14:01,274
[Monica] You're looking great
this evening, Batman.
298
00:14:01,375 --> 00:14:02,908
- [beeping]
- Let's do this!
299
00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:04,477
[grunts]
300
00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:07,147
[grunts]
301
00:14:07,246 --> 00:14:08,749
[Monica] Stun mode activated.
302
00:14:10,484 --> 00:14:12,100
- [pipe clangs]
- [Batman] "Not ready," my ass.
303
00:14:12,184 --> 00:14:13,184
[Monica] Indeed, sir.
304
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:14,803
[beeping]
305
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:24,196
[man grunts]
306
00:14:25,732 --> 00:14:26,949
[yelling]
307
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,567
- Who are you working for?
- [whimpers]
308
00:14:29,201 --> 00:14:30,587
[Batman] Two-Face.
309
00:14:30,671 --> 00:14:33,307
[Monica] Threat identified.
Proceed with caution.
310
00:14:33,407 --> 00:14:34,441
- [beeping]
- Bane.
311
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:39,211
We thought you
were dead, Batman.
312
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,047
Bad news. I'm not.
313
00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:43,256
[Bane grunts]
314
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:48,589
My beef isn't with you, Bane.
I'm here for Two-Face.
315
00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:50,222
He's clearly running
this operation.
316
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,326
What? No!
317
00:14:52,426 --> 00:14:53,927
[grunting]
318
00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:57,777
- [crack]
- [Batman grunts]
319
00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:03,035
[Bane] I am also
equally in charge.
320
00:15:03,135 --> 00:15:04,605
Not by the look of things.
321
00:15:04,705 --> 00:15:06,173
[Bane grunts]
322
00:15:06,273 --> 00:15:08,708
No! It's Two Faces!
323
00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:11,644
Plural. My face and his face.
324
00:15:11,745 --> 00:15:14,615
I am one of the two faces.
We are partners!
325
00:15:14,715 --> 00:15:16,333
He already has two faces.
326
00:15:16,417 --> 00:15:18,468
If he were your partner,
that would be three faces.
327
00:15:18,552 --> 00:15:19,952
[Bane grunting angrily]
328
00:15:20,052 --> 00:15:22,389
I knew it was too much
of a thinker!
329
00:15:25,558 --> 00:15:26,876
[Bane grunting]
330
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:30,230
[Monica] Code red.
Threat level, 100%.
331
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:31,431
[both grunt]
332
00:15:32,466 --> 00:15:34,201
[Batman grunts]
333
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:35,469
[Monica] Caution. Caution.
334
00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:36,568
[distorting] Cau...
335
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:41,006
[groans]
336
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:44,043
I am the shadow
that haunts your darkness!
337
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:45,245
[Batman sighs]
338
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:46,346
[Batman] Last chance.
339
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,280
Where's Two-Face?
340
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:49,381
[grunts]
341
00:15:50,717 --> 00:15:51,717
[Bane] Ahhh!
342
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,687
[Bane yelling]
343
00:16:01,662 --> 00:16:02,763
[Bane grunts]
344
00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:05,399
[yells]
345
00:16:06,432 --> 00:16:07,432
[beeping rapidly]
346
00:16:08,769 --> 00:16:10,403
[yelling]
347
00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:14,738
[Monica] Code red.
348
00:16:14,832 --> 00:16:15,856
[Bane grunts]
349
00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,080
[yelling]
350
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:26,086
- [Bane yelling]
- [groaning]
351
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:29,089
[Monica distorting] C-Code
red. Proceed with caution.
352
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,359
[grunts]
353
00:16:32,458 --> 00:16:34,494
[Monica] Code red.
Code red. Code red.
354
00:16:34,595 --> 00:16:36,263
[both grunt]
355
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,365
[Bane yells]
356
00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:43,437
- [Batman groans]
- [Bane] I will break the Bat!
357
00:16:43,537 --> 00:16:45,138
- [Bane yells]
- [grunts]
358
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:48,207
[crackling]
359
00:16:49,610 --> 00:16:53,078
Bane, you gullible fool!
360
00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:56,216
[panting and groaning]
Monica, call Lucius Fox.
361
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:57,350
[system shutting down]
362
00:16:57,451 --> 00:16:59,119
Well, what do we have here?
363
00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:01,053
Boss is gonna love this.
364
00:17:01,153 --> 00:17:05,826
[laughs] Looks like ya got
your bell rung real good, Batty.
365
00:17:08,494 --> 00:17:11,464
- We cooked up something special for ya!
- [crackling]
366
00:17:11,565 --> 00:17:14,468
Why didn't you wake up
and stop me, Alfred?
367
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,985
To repay you
for years of torment,
368
00:17:17,069 --> 00:17:20,406
we're gonna make a little
video for all of Gotham to see.
369
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:23,309
[chuckles] Yeah!
Then we're gonna post it!
370
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:25,578
- [chuckles]
- That's implied, Rick.
371
00:17:25,679 --> 00:17:29,415
Everyone's gonna know it was
Two-face's crew that killed Batman!
372
00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:31,218
[scraping]
373
00:17:31,317 --> 00:17:32,486
You two, go check it out.
374
00:17:33,554 --> 00:17:34,555
[grunts]
375
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:36,789
[grunts] What the...
376
00:17:37,758 --> 00:17:39,458
It's "The Macaroni."
377
00:17:43,564 --> 00:17:44,564
[grunts]
378
00:17:45,464 --> 00:17:46,964
[grunting]
379
00:17:53,941 --> 00:17:55,342
[access platform whirring]
380
00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:59,346
[grunting]
381
00:17:59,445 --> 00:18:01,181
- [Batman] Who are you?
- My liege.
382
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:03,482
- Alfred.
- Just doing my part, sir.
383
00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:05,685
That wig is pretty impractical.
384
00:18:07,887 --> 00:18:09,321
[grunts]
385
00:18:09,423 --> 00:18:10,590
Let's get you on your feet.
386
00:18:10,691 --> 00:18:12,558
Just say it.
Say, "I told you so."
387
00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:15,194
A gentleman does not trade
in such pedestrian platitudes.
388
00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:17,329
[grunts]
389
00:18:17,431 --> 00:18:19,866
But he does know
when to ask for help.
390
00:18:19,967 --> 00:18:21,468
A little assistance, my lady.
391
00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:22,551
[Batgirl] Be right there!
392
00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:23,636
[both grunt]
393
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:27,507
Oh, yikes.
394
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,809
Your legs
are hella jacked up.
395
00:18:29,910 --> 00:18:33,428
One of them's, like, going that way
and the other one's all floppy and stuff.
396
00:18:33,512 --> 00:18:34,681
It's gross.
397
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:36,682
[Batman] Can you just
help me up?
398
00:18:36,784 --> 00:18:40,534
[old-timey music playing]
399
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:43,656
- [Bane yelling]
- [explosion]
400
00:18:43,757 --> 00:18:44,892
Jesus, what now!
401
00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:46,425
[yelling]
402
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:52,633
I was born in hell,
and I demand respect!
403
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:55,201
I crushed Batman.
404
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:57,837
Perhaps I should do
the same to you?
405
00:18:57,938 --> 00:19:00,539
Tranquilo, baby, tranquilo!
406
00:19:00,641 --> 00:19:03,659
I want to hear you out, but I cannot
talk to you when you're like this.
407
00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:05,913
I beg you, please, calm down.
408
00:19:06,012 --> 00:19:08,431
Do one of those breathing exercises
you're always telling me about.
409
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:11,664
Oh, sorry. [groaning]
410
00:19:15,923 --> 00:19:18,391
Better. Now, talk to me.
411
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,810
You said this was
an equal partnership,
412
00:19:20,894 --> 00:19:22,745
but even Batman thinks
you're running Gotham.
413
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:25,932
Ah, don't listen to bat face.
He's just messing with your head.
414
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:27,500
[breathing heavily]
415
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,803
[grunting]
416
00:19:29,903 --> 00:19:32,940
- Focus.
- Now, when you say, "Crushed him,"
417
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:34,456
does that mean he's dead?
418
00:19:34,540 --> 00:19:36,358
His legs were parting
in different directions!
419
00:19:36,442 --> 00:19:38,133
- It was gross.
- In the future,
420
00:19:38,217 --> 00:19:39,865
I think we should just
kill Batman
421
00:19:39,950 --> 00:19:41,960
when we get the chance,
but you did a good job, buddy.
422
00:19:42,045 --> 00:19:44,817
See, I contribute
to this business.
423
00:19:44,917 --> 00:19:47,354
We need a new name
that represents both of us.
424
00:19:47,453 --> 00:19:48,989
The Bane of Your Existence?
425
00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:50,691
Bane Capital?
426
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:52,592
Not that,
but something like that.
427
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,010
We... we can pitch on it.
428
00:19:54,094 --> 00:19:55,912
It's not the name.
The name's workin'.
429
00:19:55,996 --> 00:19:59,767
What I think is you need to
have room to do your best work.
430
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:03,619
Space to spread out and
explore all the nooks and crannies
431
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,372
in that big ol'
noggin of yours.
432
00:20:05,471 --> 00:20:07,740
To find what sparks my joy?
433
00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,259
Exactly.
434
00:20:09,343 --> 00:20:11,778
And I know just the place
for you to do that.
435
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:14,381
[Bane groans]
436
00:20:15,015 --> 00:20:16,784
Eh.
437
00:20:16,884 --> 00:20:19,486
[voice breaking]
That's beautiful.
438
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:21,622
See? Isn't that nice?
439
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:26,721
Who takes care of you?
Right, buddy?
440
00:20:30,463 --> 00:20:33,634
[gasps] Sweet mother
of Canadian Club!
441
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,266
- Are you sitting?
- Sometimes I sit.
442
00:20:35,351 --> 00:20:36,819
- Never seen it.
- You don't know everything I do.
443
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:40,507
[sighing] You don't write,
you don't call.
444
00:20:40,606 --> 00:20:42,224
I thought you'd abandoned us.
445
00:20:42,308 --> 00:20:43,810
I would never
give upon Gotham.
446
00:20:43,911 --> 00:20:46,964
Well, uh, I can get you
up to speed real quick.
447
00:20:47,048 --> 00:20:50,567
The city's in the shitter. We
have a lot of work to do, partner.
448
00:20:50,651 --> 00:20:53,202
Should probably start
by taking back the GCPD.
449
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:54,688
There was a coup, of sorts.
450
00:20:54,788 --> 00:20:57,205
- No.
- Okay, we'll start smaller.
451
00:20:57,289 --> 00:20:58,925
Gotta walk before we can run.
452
00:20:59,026 --> 00:21:00,326
Uh, how about the docks?
453
00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:02,762
No, I mean, I can't work.
454
00:21:02,863 --> 00:21:05,031
[chuckles] I'm trying
to do the math here.
455
00:21:05,132 --> 00:21:07,800
Uh, you're back,
crime's at an all-time high.
456
00:21:07,901 --> 00:21:08,918
What's the problem?
457
00:21:09,002 --> 00:21:10,871
I'm not physically able.
Currently.
458
00:21:10,971 --> 00:21:12,789
- Is that why you're sitting?
- Maybe.
459
00:21:12,873 --> 00:21:15,024
I need a little time to get
back to my fighting weight.
460
00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:16,659
Your fighting weight? Okay.
461
00:21:16,743 --> 00:21:19,663
And how long are we talking?
A week, a month, uh...
462
00:21:19,747 --> 00:21:20,814
Gotham needs a bat!
463
00:21:20,913 --> 00:21:22,449
I agree.
464
00:21:22,548 --> 00:21:24,900
- [crying] And I need a partner.
- Also agree.
465
00:21:24,984 --> 00:21:27,436
And I know
the perfect person for the job.
466
00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:29,422
Jim, meet Batgirl.
467
00:21:29,522 --> 00:21:32,625
It's a real honor to meet you,
Da... Commissioner.
468
00:21:32,726 --> 00:21:33,877
What's she doing here?
469
00:21:33,961 --> 00:21:35,761
Like you said,
the city needs the bat.
470
00:21:35,863 --> 00:21:37,614
The bat inspires fear
in criminals,
471
00:21:37,698 --> 00:21:39,598
and hope
in the people of Gotham.
472
00:21:39,700 --> 00:21:42,102
And with your help,
Batgirl can keep that hope alive.
473
00:21:42,202 --> 00:21:44,503
[chuckling] You want us
to work together?
474
00:21:44,604 --> 00:21:45,628
It's temporary.
475
00:21:45,712 --> 00:21:48,913
The people of Gotham need to
believe that Batman is still out there.
476
00:21:49,977 --> 00:21:50,977
Uh...
477
00:21:52,412 --> 00:21:54,780
[resigned sigh]
478
00:21:54,882 --> 00:21:57,300
We will literally have
the best time.
479
00:21:57,384 --> 00:21:59,012
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
480
00:21:59,096 --> 00:22:04,096
- Hey, guys, Batgirl here, and I've got some big news!
- [sighs]
481
00:22:07,626 --> 00:22:08,996
- I liked it.
- [slurping]
482
00:22:10,998 --> 00:22:12,665
Batgirl should have
smiled more.
483
00:22:12,766 --> 00:22:14,433
You wanna watch
another one?
484
00:22:14,534 --> 00:22:15,935
Fine. Whatever.
485
00:22:16,036 --> 00:22:17,470
It doesn't come out
for a week?
486
00:22:17,570 --> 00:22:20,707
This distribution model
is ridiculous!
487
00:22:20,807 --> 00:22:23,086
[sighs] Let's just
torrent some hentai.
488
00:22:23,171 --> 00:22:25,141
Theme music playing...
33483
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