All language subtitles for Four Weddings And A Funeral (1994).ENG.23.976fps.BluRay

- Come here.
- What?

- Good morning, Mrs Staples.
- Good morning, madam.

Late! Late!

Oh, fuck! Fuck!

Fuck!

- Fuck! Right, we take yours.
- It only goes 40 miles an hour.

What turn-off?

- Better not be the B359.
- It's the B359.

Fuck it!

Fuck!

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuckity fuck!

Bugger.

Hello, Charles.

There's a greatness to your lateness.

It's not achieved without real suffering.

I am so sorry.

I'll be killing myself after the service,
if that's any consolation.

- Doesn't matter. Tom was standing by.
- Thanks, Tom. You're a saint.

Disastrous haircut.

- You haven't forgotten the rings?
- No.

Hate people being late. Hate it.

Here we go.

Oh, isn't she lovely!

Scarlett, you're blind.
She looks like a big meringue.

Dear friends, what a joy it is
to welcome you to our church...

...on this wonderful day
for Angus and Laura.

Before we start the service,
let us all join together in the first hymn.

Scarlett.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered
together here in the sight of God

...and in the face of this congregation...

...to join together this man
and this woman in holy matrimony,...

...which is an honourable estate,
instituted in the time of man's innocency.

Back in a sec.

If any man can show
any just cause or impediment...

...why they may not be
lawfully joined together,...

...let him speak now
or for ever hold his peace.

Do you promise to love her, comfort her,...

...honour and keep her,
in sickness and in health,...

...and, forsaking all others,
keep thee only unto her...

...for as long as ye both shall live?
- I do.

To love and to cherish...

...till death us do part.
- till death us do part.

- And thereto I pledge thee my troth.
- And thereto I pledge thee my troth.

Do you have the ring?

- With this ring, I thee wed.
- With this ring, I thee wed.

With my body, I thee worship.

With my body, I thee worship.

And with all my worldly goods
I do thee endow.

And with all my worldly goods
I thee endow.

"If I speak with the tongues of men
and of angels, but have not love,...

...I am become as sounding brass,
or a clanging cymbal."

Good point.

- Great hat.
- Thanks. I bought it specially.

There.

Right. Get in position, please.

Thank you. Smile.

- Splendid, I thought. What did you think?
- I thought splendid. What did you think?

Splendid, I thought.

Scarlotta, fabulous dress!

The ecclesiastical purple
and the pagan orange...

...symbolising the symbiosis in marriage...

...between the heathen
and Christian traditions?

That's right.

Lovely. And again.

- Any idea who the girl in the black hat is?
- Name's Carrie.

- She's pretty.
- American.

Interesting.

Slut.

Really?

Used to work at Vogue.
Lives in America now.

Only goes out with
very glamorous people.

Quite out of your league.

Well, that's a relief. Thanks.

- See you there.
- Off you go.

Right. Reception.

Bye!

Anyone else tread in a cowpat?

No, thought not. See you in a mo.

Do you think I'd hate him as much
if he wasn't my brother?

Don't want to blow my chances
for romance by smelling of dung.

I never know what to say
in these wretched line-ups.

It's a cinch. Just give a big, warm hug
and say the bride looks pregnant.

- Or go for "You must be very proud".
- Heaven preserve us.

- You must be very proud.
- Indeed.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Hello.

Hi. We've met. It's Richard Maples.

Bastard.

Hello, Bern.

Two, please.

- You have fun.
- Take care.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Do you want one of these?
- Thank you.

- I...
- Hello, Charles.

Hello, dear John.
How are you? How are you?

- Good. This is...
- Carrie.

- Delighted. I'm John.
- Hi, John.

- How's your gorgeous girlfriend?
- She's no longer my girlfriend.

Ah, dear. I wouldn't get
too gloomy about it.

Rumour has it she never stopped bonking
Toby de Lisle in case you didn't work out.

She is now my wife.

Excellent. Congratulations.

Excuse me.

Any kids or anything, John?

Do we hear the patter of tiny feet?

No.

Well, there's plenty of time for that,
isn't there? No hurry.

Hi. How are you?

- My name's Fiona.
- I'm Gerald.

- What do you do?
- I'm training to be a priest.

Good Lord!

- Do you do weddings?
- No, not yet.

I will, of course. Jolly nerve-racking.

Yes, rather like the first time one has sex.

Well, I suppose so.

Though rather less messy, of course,
and far less call for condoms.

- Who's that boy over there in the grey?
- His name's David.

Something of a dish, isn't he?

Well, I've always thought so.

- Why are they...?
- The dish can't hear.

Gosh.

Yeah, silent but deadly attractive.

Bang, bang, bang. That's it.

Into the marquee, please.
Dinner is served.

- How do you do?
- Hello. Tom. Splendid to meet you.

Very exciting.

Hi.

My name's Scarlett. Don't let me
drink too much cos I'll get really flirty.

- How do you do? My name's Charles.
- Don't be ridiculous.

- Charles died 20 years ago.
- Must be a different Charles, I think.

Are you telling me
I don't know my own brother?

No.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm sorry to drag you from your desserts.

There are just one or two little things
I feel I should say, as best man.

This is only the second time I've been
a best man. I hope I did OK that time.

The couple in question
are at least still talking to me.

Unfortunately, they're not
actually talking to each other.

The divorce came through
a couple of months ago.

But I'm assured it had
absolutely nothing to do with me.

Paula knew Piers had slept with her sister
before I mentioned it in the speech.

The fact that he'd slept with her mother
came as a surprise,...

...but I think was incidental to the
nightmare of recrimination and violence...

...that became their two-day marriage.

Anyway, enough of that.
My job today is to talk about Angus.

There are no skeletons in his cupboard.

Or so I thought.

I'll come on to that in a minute.
I would just like to say this.

I am,...

...as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone
who makes this kind of commitment...

...that Angus and Laura have made today.

I know I couldn't do it and...

...I think it's wonderful they can.

So, back to Angus and those sheep.

So, ladies and gentlemen,
if you'd raise your glasses.

The adorable couple.

I remember the first time
I saw Gareth dancing.

I feared lives would be lost.

She's a pretty girl,
the one you can't take your eyes off.

Is it love at first sight?

Good Lord, no!
It's the bloke she's dancing with.

I played rugby with him at school.
I'm wondering what position he played.

Though, let's say,
for the sake of argument,...

...one did take a fancy
to someone at a wedding.

Do you think there really
are people who can say...

..."Hi, babe. My name's Charles.
This is your lucky night"?

- Well, if there are, they're not English.
- Quite.

Three weeks is about
my question-popping minimum.

You know I love you, Jean, don't you?
I love you. I love you.

And, Mike, I've never met you before,
but I love you very much. I really do.

Ignore her. She's drunk.

At least I hope she is.
Otherwise, I'm in real trouble.

- How's it going, Lyds?
- Bloody awful.

Oh, dear! What's the prob?

I was promised sex. Everybody said it.

"You be a bridesmaid, you'll get sex.
You'll be fighting them off."

But not so much as a tongue in sight.

Well, I mean, if you fancy anything,...

- I could always...
- Don't be ridiculous, Bernard.

- I'm not that desperate.
- No, right. Of course.

Fair enough. It's a good point.

Bye!

Have a lovely time! Bye!

Where are you staying tonight, Charles?

Scarlett and I are at some pub. The Lucky
Boat, something like that. Aren't we all?

No. Slight change of plan.

The others are coming back to my place.
Nansy's in residence.

Might knock us up a plate of eggs
and bake over a late-night Scrabble.

- I wondered if you'd like to join.
- Yeah! Thanks very much.

- Is there room for Scarlett?
- Absolutely.

137 rooms, actually.

Right. Tommy, are you
the richest man in England?

No!

I believe we're about seventh.

The Queen, obviously, and that
Branson bloke's doing terribly well.

Well, excellent news.
I'll go and tell Scarlett.

Yeah.

That's unless you get lucky first.

Hi.

Hi. I thought you'd gone.

No, not yet. I was just wondering
where you were staying tonight.

Well...

I was staying at some pub
called The Lucky...

- The Boat or something like that.
- Boatman.

Right. But now I'm going to stay
at some friends' house...

...with some friends.

Well, I think "enormous castle"
is a more accurate description.

That's too bad,
because I'm at The Boatman.

Well, it was nice not quite meeting you.

- It was a great speech.
- Thanks.

- Well, I'm going now.
- No! No, no. Don't go. We can meet now.

- The evening's just getting going.
- We both know that's a big lie.

Fuck.

The castle beckons, Tom. Are you sober?

Absolutely. Orange juice all night.

Come on.

Bye, everybody!

All together now.

Bernard!

Tom, can you stop the car?

Stop the car.

Sorry. I just think
I might stay in that pub after all.

Why on earth...?

No, seriously. I'm doing some research
into pubs with the word "boat" in the title.

- Oh, well. Please yourself.
- It's a silly thing.

Right.

Odd decision.

Hello.

- Hi.
- Hi.

In the end there wasn't room for all of us.

You said it was a castle.

Yes, it is a castle.
It's just a very, very small one.

Tiny, in fact.
Just one up, one down, which is rare.

Drink, sir?

Yeah. I'd like a glass of whisky, please.

- Do you want...?
- Yeah, sounds good.

- Another for the lady.
- Doubles, sir?

Thanks.

You here, too? How are you?

- Hello. I'm fine.
- Haven't seen Carrie, have you?

- Who?
- Carrie. American girl. Lovely legs.

Wedding guest. Nice smell.

- No. Sorry.
- Damn!

Blast! I think I was in there.

If you do see her,
could you tell her I've gone to my room?

Yeah.

- Your whisky, sir.
- Thank you.

- And one for the...
- Road. Lovely.

I think I might have one of those.
Do you mind if I join you?

- No. It'd be lovely.
- Another glass of whisky and a cigar.

Hold on. Make that a bottle.
We might as well settle in, eh?

Let's see if we can push on till dawn.

- Lovely wedding.
- Yes.

I was at school with his brother Bufty.
Tremendous bloke.

He was head of my house.
Buggered me senseless.

Still, it taught me about life.

Where do you know him from?

- University.
- Splendid.

Splendid. Yep.

I didn't go myself. I couldn't see the point.

When you work in the money markets, what
use of the nobles of wordsworth gonna be?

Excuse me, sir. Your wife says
could you come upstairs at once?

Room 12, in case you're so drunk
you can't remember.

- My wife?
- Yes, sir.

My wife!

God! You are drunk if you can't
remember you've got a wife.

Yeah...

- Do you mind if I...
- No, no. Off you go. Best of luck.

Lucky bachelor, me. I'll have another
search for that Katie creature.

- Carrie.
- That's the one. Damn fine filly.

I think I'm in there.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Sorry about that.
- He was hard to get rid of.

Yeah.

So...

Maybe we could just skulk around here
for a bit and then go back down.

That's a thought. I don't usually skulk,...

...but I suppose I could skulk
if skulking were required.

Do you skulk regularly?

No. No, I don't normally think of myself
as a skulker but...

Well, why don't you come in
and skulk for a while and we'll see?

I noticed the bride and groom didn't kiss
in the church, which is kind of strange.

Where I come from, kissing is very big.

Is it? Well, I think you're right.
We are probably more reserved.

"You may kiss the bride" isn't
actually in the Book of Common Prayer.

I always worry I'll go too far
in the heat of the moment.

How far do you think too far would be?

I don't know.

Maybe...

...that would be all right.

- I think that would be fine.
- In fact, it might be a bit dismissive.

Maybe this...

...might be better.

Yeah, I think it would be dangerous
to take it any further.

I mean...

That might be taking it a little far.

What about this?

Do you think the vicar would think things
had slipped a little out of his control?

I think he might. This kind of thing
is really better suited to the honeymoon...

...than to the service itself.

Why do you think
it's called a honeymoon?

I don't know. I suppose it's "honey"
cos it's sweet as honey...

...and "moon" because it was the first time...

...a husband got to see his wife's bottom.

What's happening?

I have to go.

- Where?
- America.

That is a tragedy.

Just before I go,...

...when were you thinking of
announcing the engagement?

Sorry. Whose engagement?

Ours.

I assumed since we slept together
and everything, we'd be getting married.

What did you think?

I...

Gosh! You know, that takes a lot
of thinking about, that kind of thing.

Obviously, I'm... I...

You're joking.

God! For a moment there
I thought I was in Fatal Attraction.

You were Glenn Close and I was
gonna find my pet rabbit on the stove.

No.

But I think we both missed
a great opportunity here.

Bye.

Oh, fuck!

Fuck!

Fuckity fuck!

Fuck!

- Car or taxi?
- Taxi. We could never park.

Car seems a good idea.

- Fuck!
- Fuck!

Leave it. No one will notice.

Sorry, I'm late. Traffic.

Yeah... Who is it today?

One more, please.

In the name of the Father
and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

Let us pray.

Father, you have made
the bond of marriage a holy mystery,...

...a symbol of Christ's love for his church.

Hear our prayers for Bernard and Lydia
through your Son, Jesus Christ our Lord,...

...who lives and reigns
with you and the Holy Goat...

Ghost.

One God, for ever and ever.

Amen.

It's his first time. He's a family friend.

Bernard and Lydia,...

...I shall now ask if you freely undertake
the obligations of marriage.

Bernard, repeat after me.

- I do solemnly declare...
- I do solemnly declare...

...that I know not
of any lawful impediment...

...that I know not
of any lawful impediment...

...why I, Lydia...

...why I, Bernard...

Sorry.

...why I, Bernard Godfrey
Saint John Delaney,...

...why I, Bernard Geoffrey
St John Delaney,...

...may not be joined in matrimony
to Lydia John Hibbott.

...may not be joined in matrimony
to Lydia Jane Hibbott.

Lydia, repeat after me.

- I do solemnly declare...
- I do solemnly declare...

...that I know not
of any lawful impediment...

...that I know not
of any lawful impediment...

...why I, Lydia Jane Hibbott,...

...why I, Lydia Jane Hibbott,...

...may not be johned in matrimony...

...may not be joined in matrimony...

...to Bernard Geoffrey
Sidd... Siddun... Delaney.

...to Bernard Geoffrey St John Delaney.

I call upon those persons
here present to witness...

I call upon those persons
here present to witness...

...that I, Bernard...

...Delaney,...

...that I, Bernard Delaney,...

...do take thee, Lydia Jane Hibbott,...

...do take thee, Lydia Jane Hibbott,...

...to be my awful wedded wife.

...to be my lawful wedded wife.

That's ri... That's right.

May Almighty God bless you all.

The Father, the Son,
and the Holy Spigot... Spirit.

Amen.

Bravo!

Thanks.

Coming, Bernie!

Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

That way?

Sorry. Could you two...? Sorry.

Sorry!

I've got a new theory about marriage.

Two people are in love, they live together,
and one day they run out of conversation.

Totally. They can't think of a single thing
to say to each other.

That's it. Panic.

Then suddenly, it occurs to the chap
that there is a way out of the deadlock.

- Which is?
- He'll ask her to marry him.

Brilliant!

They've got something to talk about
for the rest of their lives.

So it's just a way out of
an embarrassing pause in conversation.

The definitive icebreaker.

- Tom! How's the speech coming along?
- It's pretty good, I think.

Something for everyone. Tears, laughter...

- Excellent.
- It's a very good theory, Gareth.

There is another argument, of course,
that it has something to do with true love.

Well, there's a thought.

- Can I help you, sir?
- Can I have three brandies, please?

Hi.

Hello!

- How are you?
- Fine!

Sorry. I'm overwhelmed to see you.

Look, don't go back to America. Please.

- I'll be back in two secs, OK?
- OK.

Hi, Fi.

Those are yours. See you in five hours.

- Something happened?
- It has. This is a bloody great wedding.

Hi.

Well, you look perfect.
In fact, you probably are perfect.

- How are you?
- I'm really well.

Charles, I'd like you
to meet Hamish, my fianc�.

Excellent.

How do you do, Hamish?
Delighted to meet you.

Charming surprise
to find Carrie back in the country.

Took a lot of persuading, I can tell you.

Darling, I told James
I was going to get you.

He'll think I've totally
lost control of you already.

I'll see you later.

How are you doing, Charles?

Not great, actually, suddenly.

I don't know...

I mean, what the hell�s going on here?

Why am I always at weddings
and never actually getting married, Matt?

It's probably because you're a bit scruffy.

Or it could also be because
you haven't met the right girl.

Obviously, is that it?

Maybe I have met the right girls.
Maybe I meet the right girls all the time.

- Maybe it's me.
- Nonsense.

My lords, ladies, and gentlemen,
dinner is served.

Come on. Odds on,
you meet your wife at dinner.

Yes.

Oh, my God!

Charles?

- Hi.
- Hello. I'm Alistair.

Great.

- I believe you know Veronica.
- Yeah. Hi, Vee. Hi.

Nicki.

Great.

Tell me, are you married?

No.

- Are you a lesbian?
- Good Lord!

What made you say that?

It's one of the possibilities
for unmarried girls.

It is a bit more interesting than saying
"oh dear, just never found the right chap".

- Quite right. Why be dull?
- Thank you.

The truth is, I have met the right person,
only he's not in love with me.

And until I stop loving him
no one else stands a chance.

- Bad luck.
- Yes, isn't it?

I was a lesbian once at school,
but only for 15 minutes.

I don't think it counts.

There are 400 different kinds of tea,...

...and that's not including
all these so-called fruit teas.

I took Veronica out to India at Christmas
to look at the plantations.

- You and her went there once.
- That's right.

Charles was vile. He insisted on
cracking jokes all the time I was ill.

- Trying to cheer you up.
- You're that Veronica!

Which Veronica? Charlie?

- Remember Bombay?
- When Charles and I were going out,...

...he told me he'd had this
interesting journey round India...

...with Vomiting Veronica.
I think that was it.

I don't remember ever mentioning it.
Maybe I did.

Come on, Charles. I don't think I've
ever been out with anyone less discreet.

- That's a bit of an exaggeration, isn't it?
- It is not.

I remember you going on
about this girl Helena...

...whose mother made a pass at you.
- I remember this.

You couldn't work out whether it would
be impolite not to accept her advances.

That's right. Mrs Piggy.
Helena was Miss Piggy,...

...so her mother was Mrs Piggy!

I think perhaps it was a...

We've both lost a lot of weight since then.

Great! The speeches.

My lords, ladies, and gentlemen,
pray silence for the best man.

When Bernard told me
he was getting engaged to Lydia,...

...I congratulated him because all his other
girlfriends were such complete dogs.

Although may I say how delighted we are
to have so many of them here today.

I'm particularly delighted to see Camilla,
who many of you will remember...

...as the first person
Bernard asked to marry him.

If I remember rightly,
she told him to sod off.

And lucky for Lydia that she did.

It's very disappointing.

We had the most adorable girl
at our table called Carrie.

Apparently her fianc�'s awfully grand
and he owns half of Scotland.

- How are you?
- I'm stuck in the wedding from hell.

Ghosts of girlfriends past at every turn.

If I meet Henrietta,
the horror will be complete.

Hello, Charles.

Hello, Hen. How are you?

Hen...

Why can't you leave her alone?
Haven't you hurt her enough?

Excuse me. I think I'd better be
where other people are not.

Hello.

Taxi!

Good night, sir.

It's all right. Oh, God! This is wonderful.

Wait a minute. This is no fun.
I want to see my lovely husband...

...who's a very bad bridegroom indeed.

- Have you got a boyfriend?
- Yes.

- What's his name?
- Dolph. He's good at table tennis.

- What about you?
- No. Afraid not.

Why not?

Don't know.

Because most of the blokes I fancy
think I'm stupid and pointless,...

...so they just bonk me and then leave me,...

...and the kind of blokes that do fancy me,
I think are drips.

I can't even be bothered to bonk them,...

...which does sort of leave me
a bit nowhere.

What's bonking?

Well, it's kind of like table tennis,
only with slightly smaller balls.

So good!

- I love my wife!
- And I love my husband!

- Do you think we'd better get back?
- We could just wait a few minutes...

...and have another go.

Naughty little rabbit!

Found it.

Charles! Charles, we must talk.

Right.

The thing is, Charlie,
I've spoken to lots of people about you.

Everybody agrees
you're in real trouble, Charles.

Am I?

You see, you're turning into
a kind of serial monogamist.

One girlfriend after another,
yet you never really let anyone near you.

On the contrary...

...you're affectionate to them
and sweet to them.

Even to me,
although you thought I was an idiot.

- I did not.
- You did.

- I thought U2 was a type of submarine.
- In a way, you were right.

- Their music has a naval quality.
- Be serious, Charles.

Give people a chance. You don't
have to think "I must get married",...

...but you mustn't start relationships
thinking "I mustn't get married".

Most of the time I don't think at all.
I just potter along.

Charlie!

Oh, God! The way you used to look at me!

I just misread it, that's all.

I thought you were going to propose...

...and you were just working out
how to leave.

- No. No, I wasn't.
- Oh, God, this is ridiculous.

Hen...

- Having a good night?
- Yes.

It's right up there with my father's
funeral for sheer entertainment value.

- I thought you'd gone.
- No. Hamish took the Edinburgh sleeper.

I'm off now. Keep me company?

Here, please.

You want to come up for a nightcap?

- You sure?
- Well, yes. I think we can risk it.

I'm pretty sure I can resist you.
You're not that cute.

Sorry... Yeah, great.

Morning, Charles. Breakfast's up.

What are you up to today?

Oh, yeah...

I'm taking advantage of the fact that,
for the first time in my entire life,...

...it's Saturday
and I don't have a wedding to go to.

All I have to do is not be late for David.

I was going to go for a job.

This new shop called Spank wants
a sales assistant. I think I'd be great.

- They sell all this funny rubber stuff.
- No...

Another wedding invitation,
and a list. Lovely!

They say rubber's mainly for perverts.

Don't know why.
I think it's very practical, actually.

You spill anything on it
and it just comes off.

That could be why the perverts like it.

You all right?

Yeah.

It's that girl Carrie.
You remember, the...

The American.

Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt.

- Do you have the wedding list for Banks?
- Certainly, sir.

Lots of beautiful things
for around about the �1,000 mark.

What about things around
the sort of �50 mark? Is there much?

Well, you could get
that Pygmy warrior over there.

This? Excellent!

If you could find someone
to chip in the other 3,950.

Or our carrier bags are �1.50 each.

Why don't you just get 33 of them?

Well, I think I'll probably leave it.

Thanks very much. You've been very...

- What did you get?
- Blimey!

Well, I never!

Nothing yet. I'm just, you know, deciding.

- It's nice to see you.
- It's nice to see you.

This present thing is great.
I should've gotten married years ago.

- Anybody get the Pygmy?
- The young man thought about it...

No!

Just get me an ashtray.

Are you free for about a half-hour?

Yeah.

I'm meeting my brother,
but I can be a bit late.

Oh, good. You have
an important decision to make.

- Now, you mustn't laugh.
- OK. Right.

What do you think?

Divine.

Bit of a meringue?

Don't worry. We've only just begun.

What do you think?

- You're kidding.
- But it would be wonderful.

Maybe next time.

What do you think?

- I knew it.
- With a staff, you could look after sheep.

Don't be rude.

It's a bit sexy, this.

Well...

If I were your husband,
I would die of pride.

You may be right. It is dangerous.

There's nothing worse at a wedding
than a priest with an erection.

It's strange thinking
you'll never sleep with anyone else.

- You don't think you'll be unfaithful?
- No. Not once I'm married.

I told Hamish I'll kill him if he does,
so I'd better stick to that.

Quite right.

Anyway, I reckon I've had my fair run at it.

What is a fair run these days,
down your way?

I don't know.

More than one.

Well, come on. Tell me.

I've seen the dress. We have no secrets.

Well...

The first one - of course,
not easily forgotten - was kinda nice.

Two... hairy back.

Three, four, five... Six was
on my birthday in my parents' room.

- Which birthday?
- 17th.

- We've only reached 17?
- I grew up in the country...

...lots of rolling around in haystacks.

OK. Seven...

Eight, unfortunately, was quite a shock.

Nine, against a fence.
Very uncomfortable. Don't try it.

I won't.

Ten was gorgeous. Just heaven, just...

- He was wonderful.
- I hate him.

11, obviously after 10, disappointing.

12 through 17, the university years.
Sensitive, caring, intelligent boys.

Sexually speaking, a real low patch.

18 broke my heart.

- Years of yearning.
- I'm sorry.

20... Oh, my God!
I can't believe I've reached 20.

21, elephant tongue.

22 kept falling asleep.
That was my first year in England.

I do apologise.

- 23 and 24 together. That was something.
- Seriously?

27... That was a mistake.

- Suddenly at 27 you make a mistake?
- Yes, he kept screaming.

Very off-putting.
I nearly gave up on the whole thing.

But Spencer changed my mind. That's 28.

- His father, 29.
- With his father?

30.

31... Oh, my God.

32 was lovely.

And then my fianc�, that's 33.

Wow!

So I came after your fianc�?

No, you were 32.

So there you go.

Less than Madonna,
more than Princess Di - I hope.

And how about you?
How many have you slept with?

Christ! Nothing like that many.
I don't know...

I don't know what the fuck
I've been doing with my time.

Work, probably. Yeah, work.
I have been working late a lot.

I wish I'd rung you.

But then you never rang me.

You ruthlessly slept with me twice
and never rang me.

Bollocks!

Help me, please! Please!

Carrie, this is David, my brother.

Hi.

I was just telling him
about you marrying Hamish...

...and he said it couldn't have happened
to a nicer fellow.

- Where are you doing it?
- Scotland.

He says that's a beautiful place. Hilly.

You should come to the wedding, too.

I want lots of friends to make up for
the gruesome stiffs that Hamish knows.

Well, you'd better go in.

Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Fuck it!

Look. Sorry.

I just... Well...
This is a really stupid question,...

...particularly in view
of our shopping excursion,...

...but I just wondered if by any chance...

Obviously not, because
I've only slept with nine people.

But I... I just wondered...

I really feel...

In short, to recap
in a slightly clearer version,...

...in the words of David Cassidy,
while still with the Partridge Family,...

...I think I love you. And...

...I just wondered whether
by any chance you wouldn't like to...

No. No, of course not.

I'm an idiot. He's not.

Excellent. Fantastic.

Lovely to see you.
Sorry to disturb. Better get on.

- Fuck!
- That was very romantic.

Well, I thought it over a lot, you know.
I wanted to get it just right.

Important to have said it, I think.

Said what, exactly?

Said, you know, what I just said
about David Cassidy.

You're lovely.

It was ordained for lifelong faithful
relationships and conjugal love.

It was ordained
for the welfare of human society,...

...which can be strong and happy...

...only when the marriage bond
is held in honour.

Into this holy estate
these two persons now desire to enter.

Wherefore, if anyone can show
any just cause...

...why they may not lawfully
be joined together in marriage,...

...let him now declare it.

Sorry.

Please rise.

Do you, Hamish, take this woman
Caroline to be your wedded wife...

...and do you, in the presence of God
and before this congregation,...

...promise and covenant to be to her
a loving and faithful husband...

...until God shall separate you by death?

I do.

Do you, Caroline, take this man Hamish
to be your wedded husband...

...and do you, in the presence of God
and before this congregation,...

...promise and covenant to be to him
a loving and faithful wife...

...until God shall separate you by death?

I do.

Fuck-a-doodle-doo.

- How awfully nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Hello.

You look beautiful.
Not a meringue in sight.

Thanks.

Blimey!

It's Brigadoon! It's bloody Brigadoon!

Dear old things, as you know,
I've always been proud...

...that there's not a wedding ring
between the lot of us.

Over the passing of the years,
it's beginning to distress me.

I'd like to go to the wedding
of someone I really loved for a change.

Don't blame me.
I've asked practically everyone I know.

- You haven't asked me.
- Haven't I?

Oh, Scarlett... Would you like to?

No, thank you.
It was very nice of you to ask.

Well... Any time.

Quite right, Tom, quite right.
That's the spirit.

Tonight, these are your orders.

Go forth and conjugate.
Find husbands and wives.

Excellent. What do you think, Fifi?
Spot a potential hubby?

- Bugger off, Tom.
- Quite right.

A toast before we go into battle.

True love.

In whatever shape or form it may come.

May we all in our dotage be proud to say
"I was adored once, too."

- True love.
- True love!

Apparently, an enormous
number of people...

...actually bump into
their future spouses at weddings,...

...which is interesting.

Yes, I met my husband at a wedding.

Good Lord, I seem to have finished
my drink. If you'll excuse me.

Hello. My name's Scarlett.

Named after Scarlett O'Hara,
but much less trouble.

- What's your name?
- My name's Rhett.

No...

- Not really?
- No, not really.

- In fact, it's Chester.
- You kidder!

I always imagine Americans
are gonna be dull as shit.

Of course you're not, are you?

Steve Martin's American, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

You're lovely.

Hello, Charles.

Oh, Hen. Hi.

Look, I couldn't really bear a scene today.

I know we've probably
got tons to talk about...

Did I behave that atrociously last time?

Well, you remember
the shower scene in Psycho?

Scarier.

God, I'm depressed, Hen! How are you?

I'm cheerful. I weigh almost nothing
and I've got a divine new boyfriend.

Perhaps we should've got married.

No! I'd have had to marry your friends,
and I'm not sure I could take Fiona.

Fiona loves you.

- Fiona calls me Duckface.
- Well, I never heard that.

Look, darling, come to lunch soon.
Give me a ring.

Still cute.

How's Duckface?

Good form, actually. Not too mad.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the bride and groom!

You like this girl, don't you?

Yes.

Yes, it's...

It's a strange thing
when at last it happens.

And she's marrying someone else.

How about you, Fifi? Have you
identified a future partner for life yet?

No need, really.

The deed is done.

I've been in love
with the same bloke for ages.

Have you? Who's that?

You, Charlie.

It's always been you.

Since first we met so many years ago.

I knew the first moment.

Across a crowded room. A lawn, in fact.

Doesn't matter.

Nothing either of us can do
on this one. Such is life.

Friends isn't bad, you know.

Friends is quite something.

Oh, Fi...

It's not all easy, is it?

No.

Just forget this business. Not to be.

Matthew, darling.

- Where's Gareth?
- Torturing Americans.

How thoughtful of him.

Do you actually know Oscar Wilde?

Not personally, no.

But I do know someone
who could get his fax number for you.

Shall we dance?

Well? Any rings on fingers?

Gareth, you don't know
how lucky you are.

Finding someone to marry
is a tricky business.

It's hell out there. Matthew's trapped
with an evangelist from Minnesota.

Sweet Jesus, cast out the devil!

My lords, ladies, and gentlemen,
please charge your glasses.

First, and rather unusually,
we have the bride.

Excellent. I love this girl.

Thank you.

First of all, I'd like to thank all of you
who've flown in from the States.

As for the rest of you, I'd have thought
that lots of frightful Americans flying in...

...was an excuse for staying away.
So I thank you, too.

If my darling dad had been here today,
he would have been speaking now,...

...and I know what he would have said:

"Great dress, babe, but why in the hell
are you marrying the stiff in the skirt?"

And I would have given him
the same answer that I give you:

"Because I love him."

As John Lennon said,
who died the same year as my dad,...

"Love is the answer,
and you know that for sure."

And one more thing.

Someone told me here that, if things with
Hamish didn't work out, he would step in.

I just wanted to say thanks,
and I'll keep you posted.

Bravo!

Now, my lords, ladies, and gentlemen,
Sir Hamish Banks.

Anyone involved in politics
for the last 20 years...

...has got used to being
upstaged by a woman.

I didn't expect it to happen to me
on my wedding day.

However, I must also say
that I'm quite happy...

...to be upstaged by this woman
for the rest of my life.

Is that some barracking at the back?
We politicians are used to that.

- Shit! Find a doctor!
- Right. OK.

First of all,
my compliments to the bridesmaids.

You did your duties superbly.

And obviously I intend to use you
every time I get married from now on.

I want to thank
all those wonderful ladies of the parish...

...who did the flowers in the church.

The stern old building took on
a look of flushed youth today.

I remember the first time
I laid eyes on Caroline.

I thought to myself:
"If by any chance she's short-sighted,...

...I might just be happy
for the rest of my life."

I thought I could see my future
for the first time.

It was a joyful one,
for years and years to come.

Good morning, and a warm welcome
to you all on this cold day.

Our service will begin in a few minutes.

But first we have asked Matthew,
Gareth's closest friend,...

...to say a few words.

Gareth used to prefer funerals
to weddings.

He said it was easier to get enthusiastic...

...about a ceremony one had an outside
chance of eventually being involved in.

In order to prepare this speech,
I rang a few people...

...to get a general picture of how Gareth
was regarded by those who met him.

"Fat" seems to have been a word
people most connected with him.

"Terribly rude" also rang a lot of bells.

So "very fat" and "very rude" seems
to have been the stranger's viewpoint.

But some of you have rung me
and let me know that you loved him,...

...which I know he would have been
thrilled to hear.

You remember his fabulous hospitality,
his strange experimental cooking.

The recipe for duck � la banana
fortunately goes with him to his grave.

Most of all, you tell me of
his enormous capacity for joy.

And, when joyful,
for highly vocal drunkenness.

I hope joyful is how
you will remember him.

Not stuck in a box in a church.

Pick your favourite of his waistcoats
and remember him that way.

The most splendid, replete,...

...big-hearted...

...weak-hearted, as it turned out -...

...and jolly bugger most of us ever met.

As for me, you may ask
how I will remember him.

What I thought of him.

Unfortunately, there I run out of words.

Forgive me
if I turn from my own feelings...

...to the words of another
splendid bugger, W.H. Auden.

This is actually what I want to say:

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking
with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos
and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin,
let the mourners come.

Let the aeroplanes circle
moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message
He Is Dead.

Put crepe bows round the white necks
of the public doves,

Let traffic policemen
wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South,
my East and West.

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last for ever:

I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now:

Put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean
and sweep up the wood.

For nothing now
can ever come to any good.

It was good of you to come. Must have
been the shortest honeymoon in history.

No, it's fine. We'll do it some other time.

You know, what you said in the street...

- Yes, I'm sorry about that.
- No, I liked it.

I liked you saying it.

Charlie, I'll take Scarlett home, all right?

Darling Fi.

Walk, Charlie?

Yeah. Yeah, that would be grand.

Never felt like that.
I mean, something vaguely similar,...

...for Jilly, when I was young.

Jilly?

Labrador.

Yes, it's odd, isn't it?

All these years
we've been single and proud of it...

...and never noticed that two of us were,
in effect, married all this time.

Traitors in our midst.

You know, I think death is hardest
for the parents, don't you?

I hope I die before my children.

Tom...

There's one thing I find really...

Well... It's your total confidence
that you will get married.

I mean, what if
you never find the right girl?

Sorry?

Surely, if that service shows anything,...

...it shows that there is such a thing
as a perfect match.

If we can't be like Gareth and Matthew,
then maybe we should just let it go.

Some of us are not gonna get married.

Well, I don't know, Charlie.

The truth is, unlike you,
I never expected the thunderbolt.

I always just hoped that I'd meet
some nice, friendly girl,...

...like the look of her, hope the look of me
didn't make her physically sick,...

...then pop the question
and settle down and be happy.

It worked for my parents.
Well, apart from the divorce...

I'll give you six months
at the outside, Tom.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Maybe all this waiting for
one true love stuff gets you nowhere.

What the fuck is going on?

I thought we'd better make
absolutely sure we weren't late.

Excellent wedding hairstyle.

Matthew.
The best-looking best man in the world.

Listen. Thank you for doing this today.

Of course.

I wish Gareth was here.

Bet he does, too.

I'm sorry we're so late.
The others are just parking the car.

I thought we'd all go with Tom.

- Late? So late?
- Yeah. It's 9.45.

- 9.45?
- Yep. 45 minutes till "I do".

Oh, bloody Tom!
I told him to set the alarm for eight!

Fuck it! Fuck!

- Scarlett.
- Hi!

- You ready?
- Absolutely. Give me 20 seconds.

- Time.
- Honestly?

Yes! Time!

It's about ten to nine.

Bastards.

Jessica, stop jumping
up and down, please.

One, two, three, smile!

- This is splendid tuck.
- Yes, I think I might say a little word.

As you know, I've been a close observer
of Charles's love life for many years.

But recently I'd started to despair and fear
that really he was married to us,...

...except that we won't have his babies.
- I don't know about that.

But it's all turned out splendidly.
The girl is sadly crazy,...

...but perhaps that's why he loves her.

I'd like to propose a toast to my Charlie
and his beautiful girl on this tragic day.

- So, be happy and don't forget us.
- Thank you.

- To Charles and Duckface.
- Charles and Duckface!

- What do you think?
- You look divine.

It does work, doesn't it? Yes.

I'd like to thank Fiona for those
charming words about my future wife.

I'd like to take this opportunity
to read a message from her to you all.

This is exciting.

She says "Any of you come near
the house, I'll set the dogs on you."

I think that's a nice touch.

Sweet!

"Set the dogs on you"!

John, hi.

- John, you made it.
- Yes.

I hope me damn sister turns up.
Not much of a wedding without a bride.

Tom!

Bit of a poor show
you not having a stag night.

We did! We did... We didn't think it was
a very good idea in this day and age.

Really?

Fi, you do look lovely today.

- I've abandoned my traditional black.
- Yes, so you have.

From now on, I shall be
all the colours of the rainbow...

...and fall in love with someone
who fancies me for a change.

Darling Fi!

- Look.
- What?

Lipstick everywhere. That won't do at all.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Good luck.

Hello. Glad you could come.

Groom's on the right. Bride's on the left.

- Groom on the right. Bride on the left.
- Oh, my God!

I thought you'd gone back to Texas.

Without you, never.

Good luck.

Bride or groom?

Bride or groom?

It should be perfectly obvious I'm neither.
Great God!

- Bride or groom?
- Bride.

Yes...

I'm fine.

I've a feeling we've met before.

We have. About 25 years ago.

I'm second cousin Harold's
daughter Deirdre. You're Tom.

Good Lord!

- So, you're family.
- Yes.

- Only very distant.
- Well, yes, of course.

You said you were bride?

Yes.

Well, do sit.

Do sit here, Deirdre.

Golly!

Thunderbolt city.

- Hello, Matthew.
- Nice to see you.

- Hello, Charles.
- Bernard. How are you?

- Exhausted, actually.
- Oh, bunny!

- Charles.
- Hello, Lyd.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You look lovely. But then I always
did like you dressed for weddings.

- And on time.
- Yeah. Extraordinary thing, isn't it?

- How's Hamish?
- He's fine... I believe.

- You believe?
- Well, yes.

He wasn't the man for me after all.

- You left him?
- We left each other.

- When?
- A few months now.

March was hell. By April, it was sordid.

That's the last time
I marry someone three times my age.

Charles, time to travel.

Yeah.

Coming. Good.

- So why didn't you get in touch, then?
- I did think about it.

I wanted to, but I was in a state.

So, anyway, I don't want to keep you.

And I'll see you afterwards.

Yeah. Fine.

Wait.

I'll show you to your seat.

Just showing her to her seat.

Our timing's been really bad, hasn't it?

It's been bad, yes.

It's been a disaster.

It has, as you say,
been very bad indeed.

God, it's lovely to see you.

Well, good luck.

It's pretty easy. Just say "I do"
whenever anyone asks you a question.

Could you just give me a sec, Matthew?

Yes, of course. Freshen up at will.

Dear Lord,..

...forgive me for what I'm about to say...

...in this magnificent place of worship.

Bugger!

Bugger!

Can I help at all?

No. Thanks.

Sorry.

Vocal exercises. Big church.

Excellent. Often do the same myself.

Not exactly the same vocab, obviously.
Rather more alleluias.

I'll leave you.

- Bride's arriving.
- Fabulous!

We seem to have lost the groom.

- Stall her and I'll see if I can find him.
- Roger. Wilco.

Charles.

It's good to see you.

Yeah.

Matt, what do we think about marriage?

Well... Gosh!

Well, I think it's really good,
if you love the person with all your heart.

Well, exactly. Quite.

All these weddings. All these years.

All that blasted salmon and champagne.

Here I am on my own wedding day
and I'm still thinking.

Can I ask about what?

No.

No, I think best not.

I'm sorry, there's a delay.
A problem with the flowers.

Flowers?

There seems to be a staggeringly
high proportion of hay fever sufferers...

...and they're right next to the flowers,
so we're moving the congregation.

Don't want the vows
obliterated by sneezing.

Charles, would it be out of place
for me to say that time is ticking by?

I think I've fooled them so far.

When people think you're stupid,
they're less suspicious.

Hello.

Here you are!

Ready to face the enemy?

Are we?

Yes.

Excellent.

Not so tight, Dad.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered
together here in the sight of God...

...and in the face of this congregation...

...to join together this man
and this woman in holy matrimony,...

...which is an honourable estate, instituted
of God in the time of man's innocence,...

...signifying unto us the mystical union
that is betwixt Christ and his Church...

...and therefore is not
by any to be enterprised...

...nor taken in hand unadvisedly,
lightly, or wantonly,...

...but reverently, discreetly, advisedly,...

...soberly,...

...and in the fear of God.

Therefore, if any man
can show any just cause...

...why they may not
lawfully be joined together,...

...let him speak now or else hereafter
for ever hold his peace.

I'm sorry.
Does someone have something to say?

Yes? What is it?

One second.

He wants me to
translate what he's saying.

What is he saying?

He says "I suspect the groom
is having doubts."

"I suspect the groom would like to delay."

"I suspect the groom..."

What's he saying?

He says...

...he suspects the groom
loves someone else.

Do you?

Do you love someone else?
Do you, Charles?

I do.

Get out of my way! Let me kill him!

Blimey!

At least it's one we won't forget.

A lot of weddings just
blend into each other.

- For God's sake!
- This one will stick out in the memory.

For not actually including
a wedding service.

Poor girl. No, I mean it. Poor girl.

She's not my favourite person, but I think
what you did today was unforgivable.

I can't bear to think about it.

Poor Hen.

- Though let's face facts.
- I'm sorry.

If you weren't sure you wanted
to marry her today of all days,...

...i.e., your wedding day,...

...then it must be the right decision,
mustn't it?

Quite right.

It was a lovely dress.
I'm sure she'll find it useful for parties.

- What did he say, Charles?
- Says he blames himself.

- Absolutely not.
- No, you mustn't, David.

- It's OK.
- No, no. If there's music to be faced,...

...I should be facing it.

Hello.

- Hi! You're soaking. Come in.
- No, I'm fine.

Comes a point when you can't get wetter.

- OK, I'll come out.
- No, please don't. I...

I just wanted to check you're OK.

Not busy killing yourself
or anything, but...

But you're fine, so...

I shouldn't have come
to the church this morning. I'm sorry.

No!

Wait. It was all my fault.
I mean, I'm the bastard here.

And it sorted out one thing.

Marriage and me were very clearly
not meant for one another.

It sorted out another big thing, too.

There I was,
standing there in the church,...

...and for the first time
in my whole life I realised I...

...totally and utterly loved one person.

And it wasn't the person
next to me in the veil.

It's the person standing opposite me now...

...in the rain.

Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.

The truth of it is, I've loved you
from the first second I met you.

- Not going away again, are you?
- No. I might drown. But otherwise, no.

OK. OK. We'll go in.

But first let me ask you one thing.

Do you think, after we've dried off,...

...after we've spent lots more
time together, you might agree...

...not to marry me?

And do you think...

...not being married to me might maybe
be something you could consider...

...doing for the rest of your life?

Do you?

I do.