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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:10,594 ♪ I adore being dressed in something frilly ♪ 2 00:00:10,636 --> 00:00:14,807 ♪ When my date comes to get me at my place ♪ 3 00:00:14,849 --> 00:00:18,978 ♪ Out I go with my Joe or John or Billy ♪ 4 00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:23,899 ♪ Like a filly who is ready at the race ♪ 5 00:00:23,941 --> 00:00:28,195 ♪ When I have a brand-new hairdo ♪ 6 00:00:28,237 --> 00:00:31,407 ♪ With my eyelashes all in curls ♪ 7 00:00:31,449 --> 00:00:35,494 ♪ I float as the clouds on air do ♪ 8 00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:39,540 ♪ I enjoy being a girl ♪ 9 00:00:39,582 --> 00:00:41,584 ♪ When men say I'm cute... ♪ 10 00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:42,793 Good morning, ladies. 11 00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:44,128 Eighth floor, please. 12 00:00:44,170 --> 00:00:45,546 - Third floor, please. - Fifth for me. 13 00:00:45,588 --> 00:00:46,964 Thank you, ladies. 14 00:00:47,006 --> 00:00:50,468 - You make it look easy. - Ma'am? 15 00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:53,137 Operating the elevator, like it's second nature. 16 00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:55,014 Yes, ma'am. 17 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,724 Although I'm sure it's way more complicated than it looks, 18 00:00:56,766 --> 00:00:58,142 - a testament to your skill. - (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) 19 00:00:58,184 --> 00:01:00,019 Third floor. 20 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:04,440 ♪ I drool over dresses made of lace ♪ 21 00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:05,900 ♪ I talk on the telephone... ♪ 22 00:01:05,941 --> 00:01:07,359 Good job. 23 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:09,069 So, how do you like working for B. Altman? 24 00:01:09,111 --> 00:01:10,696 Well, I've been here for 16 years. 25 00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:12,448 A ringing endorsement. 26 00:01:12,490 --> 00:01:13,824 How many times a day do you think that you open this... 27 00:01:13,866 --> 00:01:15,451 - (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) - Fifth floor. 28 00:01:15,493 --> 00:01:16,577 Ooh, that's me. 29 00:01:16,619 --> 00:01:18,412 Smooth as silk. 30 00:01:18,454 --> 00:01:20,206 Thank you, Darren. 31 00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:23,167 Love the outfit. 32 00:01:23,209 --> 00:01:28,088 ♪ Who'll enjoy being a guy ♪ 33 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:31,217 ♪ Having a girl ♪ 34 00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:33,302 ♪ Like... ♪ 35 00:01:33,344 --> 00:01:35,221 Good to see you again, Frank. Take care. 36 00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:36,555 Mrs. Maisel. 37 00:01:37,807 --> 00:01:39,266 Beautiful printing. 38 00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:41,227 I've got a pretty mean cursive, too. 39 00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,979 Brearley and Bryn Mawr, I have no doubt. 40 00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:45,606 So, you're prepping for Christmas? 41 00:01:45,648 --> 00:01:47,691 The display department always likes to get a nice jump. 42 00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:50,402 Never too early to scout for Santas. 43 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,071 Lots of jolly choices out there. 44 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:53,948 Oh, we screen them fresh every year. 45 00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:56,951 Make sure they're still plump, still personable, still sober. 46 00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:58,744 So much to think about. 47 00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,246 So, you majored in Russian Literature. 48 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,248 With a minor in Education. For a split second, 49 00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:03,666 I thought about being a grammar school teacher. 50 00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:06,669 - What happened? - I met some grammar school kids. 51 00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:08,087 (MIDGE CHUCKLES) 52 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,964 No, seriously, I married straight out of college 53 00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:12,049 and had children of my own. Two, actually. 54 00:02:12,091 --> 00:02:13,676 Started my own grammar school, if you will. 55 00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:16,053 And you're here for our elevator operator position? 56 00:02:16,095 --> 00:02:17,012 Yes, sir. 57 00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,473 We usually hire men for that job. 58 00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:21,559 Oh. The ad didn't say. 59 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,060 I just think that our lady shoppers 60 00:02:23,102 --> 00:02:25,354 - prefer men in the position. - I get that. 61 00:02:25,396 --> 00:02:26,939 Not a lot of practical work experience 62 00:02:26,981 --> 00:02:27,982 on your résumé, either. 63 00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:29,942 But lots of volunteer work. 64 00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:31,360 It's all listed there. I was a candy striper. 65 00:02:31,402 --> 00:02:32,903 And in high school, I helped raise money 66 00:02:32,945 --> 00:02:35,447 to start a gymnastics program, the Zion Orphanage in Jerusalem. 67 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:37,741 - Raised $700. - Impressive. 68 00:02:37,783 --> 00:02:40,327 Lots of little Jews tumbling around because of me. 69 00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,371 Mrs. Maisel, you are a very delightful woman, 70 00:02:42,413 --> 00:02:45,040 but I'm not sure that being an elevator operator 71 00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:47,459 is the right fit for you. I'm sorry. 72 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,336 Oh, but I-I have such a passion for it. 73 00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:51,213 I grew up with one in my building, 74 00:02:51,255 --> 00:02:52,673 my sweet Jerry, 75 00:02:52,715 --> 00:02:54,258 So, in a way, I feel as if my whole life 76 00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:56,719 - has been leading up to this. - Your whole life? 77 00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:58,387 And I really hit it off with Darren on the way up. 78 00:02:58,429 --> 00:02:59,805 Lots of informative shoptalk. 79 00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:00,973 Darren is very personable. 80 00:03:01,015 --> 00:03:02,892 And the uniform. Picture me in that hat 81 00:03:02,933 --> 00:03:04,935 and the coat with a tapered waist. I mean, come on. 82 00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:07,021 Thank you for coming in. 83 00:03:07,062 --> 00:03:10,065 Les Tarlow. 84 00:03:10,107 --> 00:03:11,609 Come on in. 85 00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:18,115 LES: Ho, ho, ho. 86 00:03:19,283 --> 00:03:21,493 Ho, ho, ho! 87 00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:27,082 Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas! 88 00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:28,959 WOMAN: I just go through periods where nothing looks good. 89 00:03:29,001 --> 00:03:30,419 WOMAN 2: Well, that's not true and you know it. 90 00:03:30,461 --> 00:03:31,837 WOMAN 1: I guess I can just stick with red. 91 00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:33,339 Can't go too wrong there. 92 00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,090 WOMAN 2: Well, you could try a dark pink lipstick, too. 93 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:37,009 That might work better with the pink you picked for your rouge. 94 00:03:37,051 --> 00:03:39,303 Oh, please. I just worked up the courage to wear red 95 00:03:39,345 --> 00:03:42,014 in a vain attempt to look like Leslie Caron in Gigi. 96 00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:43,724 - Oh. - Red works great with pink. 97 00:03:43,766 --> 00:03:45,142 Pardon me? 98 00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:47,353 And it's terrific with your complexion. 99 00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:49,647 You have some natural rosiness. Just be sure to pick a tone 100 00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:51,065 that doesn't augment that too much. 101 00:03:51,106 --> 00:03:52,066 Keep it subtle. 102 00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,192 I like subtle. 103 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,902 That's Raven Red. 104 00:03:54,944 --> 00:03:56,070 Try Cherries in the Snow. 105 00:03:56,111 --> 00:03:57,363 That'll get you close to Caron. 106 00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:58,739 Oh, I like that. 107 00:03:58,781 --> 00:04:00,407 - (LAUGHING): A lot. - I do, too. 108 00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:02,034 You're a dream. Both of you. 109 00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:04,912 Thank you. Give me three of these. 110 00:04:04,954 --> 00:04:07,081 I'll meet you down at the register, Mrs. Stapleton. 111 00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:08,999 Wonderful. 112 00:04:11,043 --> 00:04:12,962 Wow. What is your name? 113 00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:14,213 Midge Maisel. 114 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,297 Mary Petrusca. 115 00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:16,548 You should get my commission. 116 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:19,051 - No. - Really. 117 00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:24,390 How about the makeup counter? 118 00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:26,433 ♪ ♪ 119 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,562 - Good morning, Mr. Weissman. - Good morning, Zelda. 120 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,606 Listen, I have a faculty meeting this morning, 121 00:04:32,648 --> 00:04:35,484 and Zed Lieberman will drone on and on again, 122 00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,319 repetitiously, unendingly. 123 00:04:37,361 --> 00:04:39,321 - Do you understand? - Zed Lieberman is boring. 124 00:04:39,363 --> 00:04:42,074 So I need a copious amount of coffee to keep me awake. 125 00:04:42,116 --> 00:04:44,576 - In a thermos? - A thermos? No, not a thermos. 126 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:47,496 Zelda, right now, just a big, strong cup. 127 00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:48,706 Yes, Mr. Weissman. 128 00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:51,041 Morning, Mama. Morning, Papa. 129 00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:53,460 - Aha. - Mwah. Morning, Zelda. 130 00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:55,379 Good morning, Miss Miriam. Would you like some coffee? 131 00:04:55,421 --> 00:04:57,047 I'll just grab some on the street. 132 00:04:57,089 --> 00:04:59,133 Can you watch the kids today? I'm home by 5:00. 133 00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,218 Of course. Where are you off to in such a rush? 134 00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:03,095 I'm going to work. 135 00:05:03,137 --> 00:05:04,888 What? 136 00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,098 I got a job. 137 00:05:06,140 --> 00:05:07,558 Why? 138 00:05:07,599 --> 00:05:10,185 I need money. My own money, with no strings. 139 00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:12,271 Strings? -Part-time for now, but I'll have an employee review 140 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,148 in one month, and if they like my performance, 141 00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:17,985 I will be a full-time makeup counter girl at B. Altman. 142 00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:27,453 (DOOR CLOSES) 143 00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:30,039 - You got a job? - Yes. 144 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,166 - You have no résumé. - They hired me anyway. 145 00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:34,334 - Do you know how to type? - I don't need to. 146 00:05:35,586 --> 00:05:37,755 Okay. 147 00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:43,844 I told you to study something practical in college. 148 00:05:43,886 --> 00:05:46,513 I remember that. -Russian literature was not that thing. 149 00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:47,890 I know. 150 00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:49,558 Okay. 151 00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:53,312 - And it's five days a week? - Yes. 152 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,898 If it rains, you still have to go in. I figured. 153 00:05:55,939 --> 00:05:58,942 - And you know how to get there? - By multiple routes. 154 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,611 Okay. 155 00:06:02,446 --> 00:06:03,864 - And they're paying you? - Yes. 156 00:06:03,906 --> 00:06:05,282 - In money? - Yes. 157 00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:06,450 - By check? - Every two weeks. 158 00:06:06,492 --> 00:06:07,951 - You'll need a bank account. - I have a bank account. 159 00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,453 - Checking and savings? - Yep. 160 00:06:09,495 --> 00:06:11,038 (CHUCKLES): Okay. 161 00:06:12,539 --> 00:06:14,792 Your mother can't watch the kids every day. 162 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:16,376 Mrs. Fulber will watch them when she can't. 163 00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:18,253 Okay. 164 00:06:21,090 --> 00:06:23,050 - Mrs. Fulber? - Yep. 165 00:06:23,092 --> 00:06:25,177 The one that used to babysit you? The one and the same. 166 00:06:25,219 --> 00:06:26,845 She's still alive? 167 00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,347 I think so. 168 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,224 I'll be damned. 169 00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:33,102 - Zelda, I'll need my coffee... - Your thermos, Mr. Weissman. 170 00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:34,978 Thank you. 171 00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,316 Okay. 172 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,612 ♪ It isn't enough to hope ♪ 173 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:47,825 ♪ It isn't enough to dream ♪ 174 00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:51,370 ♪ It isn't enough to plot and plan and scheme ♪ 175 00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,372 ♪ It isn't enough to stand here ♪ 176 00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:55,415 ♪ Saying that life is grand here ♪ 177 00:06:55,457 --> 00:06:57,042 ♪ Waiting for something... ♪ 178 00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,919 - Good morning, Jerry. - Good morning, Mrs. Maisel. 179 00:06:58,961 --> 00:07:00,629 ♪ It isn't enough to sit here ♪ 180 00:07:00,671 --> 00:07:02,589 ♪ Having a purple fit here ♪ 181 00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:05,843 ♪ Worried to death the world will burn up ♪ 182 00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:08,971 Guess where I'm going, Jerry. 183 00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,222 ♪ It isn't enough... ♪ 184 00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:11,682 Doctor? 185 00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,017 Nope. I'm going to work. 186 00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:16,895 - Work? - (CHUCKLES) 187 00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:19,356 ♪ I've got a better scheme ♪ 188 00:07:19,398 --> 00:07:21,859 ♪ Why not wish upon a wishbone ♪ 189 00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,652 ♪ Pick a four-leaf clover ♪ 190 00:07:23,694 --> 00:07:25,070 ♪ Rub a rabbit's foot ♪ 191 00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,864 ♪ And throw a horseshoe over ♪ 192 00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:30,409 ♪ Your lucky shoulder ♪ 193 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,952 Ladies' break room? 194 00:07:31,994 --> 00:07:34,121 Right in there. 195 00:07:34,163 --> 00:07:37,207 ♪ A bit of luck will come your way ♪ 196 00:07:37,249 --> 00:07:39,334 ♪ Now, isn't that enough ♪ 197 00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:40,335 ♪ To make ♪ 198 00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:42,754 ♪ Your day? ♪ 199 00:07:44,882 --> 00:07:47,301 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 200 00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:52,514 Really? You're one of us now? 201 00:07:52,556 --> 00:07:54,516 Makeup department. First day. 202 00:07:54,558 --> 00:07:55,726 Mary, right? 203 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,269 - I'm Midge. - I remember. 204 00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:58,937 - Mm. - Grab any empty locker. 205 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,606 - I'm in love. - Who now? 206 00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:02,149 The new guy in men's hosiery. 207 00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:03,942 - What hap... - He looks like William Holden. 208 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,819 What happened to Montgomery Clift in shoes? 209 00:08:05,861 --> 00:08:09,364 I'm off him. -She just broke up with Ernest Borgnine last week. 210 00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:11,074 I'm done with loading dock guys. 211 00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:13,076 I'm Vivian. This your first day? 212 00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:14,453 Midge. Yes. First day. 213 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,413 Do you like the movies? I go every night. 214 00:08:16,455 --> 00:08:17,831 I do like the movies. 215 00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:19,833 Be my friend. I need people to go with. 216 00:08:19,875 --> 00:08:21,835 - I'll be your friend. - You bring a lock? 217 00:08:21,877 --> 00:08:24,254 - For what? - Thieves run rampant. 218 00:08:24,296 --> 00:08:26,089 Someone stole my lunch last week. 219 00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:28,717 Just an egg salad sandwich, but I got really mad. 220 00:08:28,759 --> 00:08:31,970 - Then I need to get a lock. - Put your stuff in mine today. 221 00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,680 Thanks, Mary. 222 00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,265 That's smart. 223 00:08:35,307 --> 00:08:38,310 - We are on our feet all day. - You'll learn. 224 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:41,980 Doors open in five minutes, girls! 225 00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,733 - Mrs. O'Toole. - Our mother hen. 226 00:08:44,775 --> 00:08:46,318 Come on. 227 00:08:47,736 --> 00:08:50,322 REMEMBER, MIDGE: 228 00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,115 always be on time... 229 00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:53,909 always be polite... 230 00:08:53,951 --> 00:08:55,327 always be pretty... 231 00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:56,578 and... 232 00:08:57,621 --> 00:08:59,373 ...don't forget to punch. 233 00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:01,208 (CLUNKS) 234 00:09:01,250 --> 00:09:04,211 (CLUNKING) 235 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:08,674 Fun. 236 00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,928 ♪ ♪ 237 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:20,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 238 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,905 So, there are a couple of jerks to steer clear of. 239 00:09:31,947 --> 00:09:33,490 - Van Heflin in housewares. - She's not gonna know 240 00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,409 who they are if you keep using movie star names. 241 00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:36,910 The boys in toys. 242 00:09:36,952 --> 00:09:38,578 Super grabby. 243 00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:41,164 Camera department... They'll make you shudder. 244 00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,166 - That's funny. - That was my joke. 245 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:44,751 Tell her that was my joke. 246 00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:46,878 Another compadre, Harriet Owens. 247 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,964 She services our dark-complexioned clientele. 248 00:09:49,006 --> 00:09:51,383 She is one of us. Midge Maisel. 249 00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:53,176 - Nice to meet you. - Harriet's a model. 250 00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,012 - HARRIET: Aspiring. - Neat. Runway? 251 00:09:55,053 --> 00:09:56,221 Not with this skin. 252 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:57,597 She's been in Ebony magazine 253 00:09:57,639 --> 00:09:59,683 a million times, looking like Lena Horne. 254 00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:02,394 Eight times. And looking to expand. 255 00:10:02,436 --> 00:10:03,562 (XYLOPHONE NOTES PLAY) 256 00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,147 Doors 257 00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:08,358 are opening! 258 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:11,153 That's probably what she says before having sex. 259 00:10:11,194 --> 00:10:13,196 - The new girl? - Yes, ma'am. 260 00:10:13,238 --> 00:10:15,240 Learn the store. 261 00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:17,117 Ah, I will. Yes. 262 00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,828 Agnes Moorehead. 263 00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:21,580 How did I miss that? 264 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,374 I'll give you a map to learn the store. It's a snap. 265 00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:26,376 My husband loved Agnes Moorehead. 266 00:10:26,418 --> 00:10:28,045 - Loved? Dead? - Sad. 267 00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:29,671 No, he left me. We're separated. 268 00:10:29,713 --> 00:10:31,673 - Separated? - Like Liz Taylor! 269 00:10:31,715 --> 00:10:34,509 Sad. -And I've got two kids; oldest is almost four. 270 00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:37,179 - And you work. Modern. - Sad. 271 00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:38,930 You ready to do this? 272 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:40,682 Good a time as any. 273 00:10:40,724 --> 00:10:42,309 Hi. My name is Miriam. 274 00:10:42,351 --> 00:10:43,894 How can I help you today? 275 00:10:43,935 --> 00:10:47,314 Men's shoes... Fourth floor, southeast side. 276 00:10:47,356 --> 00:10:50,317 Hi-fi systems... Eighth floor... 277 00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:53,612 left of the elevators. 278 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:56,365 Right. Okay, it's hi-fi systems right of the elevators. 279 00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:58,200 Cookware... fifth floor. 280 00:10:58,241 --> 00:10:59,951 Maternity... 281 00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:01,453 third floor. 282 00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:03,872 ♪ ♪ 283 00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:11,129 (TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY) 284 00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:12,631 My feet hurt. 285 00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,258 - ROSE: Miriam? - Gonna bring flats tomorrow. 286 00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:17,177 Hi, baby. 287 00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:18,512 Mwah! 288 00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:20,680 - That's the key. Flats. - For what? 289 00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:23,392 - For what? For work. - You work? 290 00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:26,061 Yes, Mama, you knew that. I told you this morning. 291 00:11:26,103 --> 00:11:27,938 Oh, that's right. -I'm going out with some friends tonight. 292 00:11:27,979 --> 00:11:29,606 But Mrs. Fulber can take the kids. 293 00:11:29,648 --> 00:11:31,650 - I'll get them when I come home. - That sounds fine. 294 00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:36,488 - Something wrong? - What would be wrong? 295 00:11:38,990 --> 00:11:40,992 I got you something. 296 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,619 You never have to get me anything. 297 00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:44,454 I wanted to get you something. 298 00:11:44,496 --> 00:11:47,749 MAN (ON TV): Oh, it must be around here. Couldn't walk far. 299 00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:49,418 BOY: I did, too. 300 00:11:49,459 --> 00:11:50,794 (TV PROGRAM CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) 301 00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:52,462 What is that? 302 00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,297 It's lipstick. I thought you'd like it. 303 00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:57,759 Where did you get it? -My job. At the makeup counter. At work. 304 00:11:57,801 --> 00:11:59,344 Oh, yes, that. 305 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:02,764 It went well, my first day. 306 00:12:02,806 --> 00:12:03,974 ROSE: Hmm. 307 00:12:04,015 --> 00:12:05,809 It's a brand new color. 308 00:12:05,851 --> 00:12:07,769 It's not officially released till the end of the week. 309 00:12:07,811 --> 00:12:09,396 So I'm a guinea pig. 310 00:12:09,438 --> 00:12:12,023 No. You're the first woman in New York to have it. 311 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,775 And it's pretty, and I thought of you. 312 00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:15,652 Yeah, you don't like what I wear now. 313 00:12:15,694 --> 00:12:16,987 No, I like it a lot. 314 00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:18,447 I think it looks nice. 315 00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:20,240 - So do I. - (INHALES) 316 00:12:20,282 --> 00:12:21,825 This smells funny. 317 00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:24,035 But thank you. 318 00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,498 (QUIETLY): You are very welcome. 319 00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:36,089 (GRUNTS) 320 00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:37,716 (EXHALES) 321 00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:41,720 ♪ Did you hear what they did at the WPA? ♪ 322 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:44,973 ♪ When the banks went belly up, and the jobs all went away ♪ 323 00:12:45,015 --> 00:12:47,267 ♪ They reinvested in America ♪ 324 00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:51,605 ♪ They put the poor to work at honest pay ♪ 325 00:12:51,646 --> 00:12:54,983 ♪ They built dams and roads and bridges ♪ 326 00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:59,613 ♪ Things that we still use today ♪ 327 00:12:59,654 --> 00:13:03,241 ♪ Did you hear what they did at the WPA? ♪ 328 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:07,037 ♪ When speculators drove the market into New York Bay ♪ 329 00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:09,498 ♪ They gave a corps of citizens a place to go ♪ 330 00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,458 ♪ With a chance to make some hay... ♪ -Hey. 331 00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:12,959 Hi. Nice crowd. 332 00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:14,169 Take a gander. 333 00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:15,378 My business cards. 334 00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:16,838 Got them up to a nice round 30. 335 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,757 - Let me see. - Hey, are your hands clean? 336 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,425 - Yeah. - I don't want smudges. 337 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:22,344 Yeah. You smudged it. 338 00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:25,305 Now I got a nice round 29. Thanks. -Sorry. 339 00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:27,807 Well, these are gonna be obsolete soon, anyway. 340 00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:30,519 - Do you want to know why? - Yes. Why? 341 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,354 I'm getting a phone. 342 00:13:32,395 --> 00:13:33,605 Don't lie to me. 343 00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:35,065 No shit, I'm getting a phone. 344 00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:37,067 Welcome to the 20th century. 345 00:13:37,108 --> 00:13:39,486 Yeah. Then, I'll put my phone number on the card. 346 00:13:39,528 --> 00:13:41,780 My-my typewriter's missing its three, eight, nine, 347 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,782 so I just got to be sure the number doesn't have 348 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:46,576 - a three, eight or a nine in it. - Seems doable. 349 00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:49,120 It's gonna have an answering service. -Wow. 350 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,122 And some chatty broad's gonna know all my shit. 351 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,708 It's gonna cost me a fortune, but it'll be worth it. 352 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,127 Uh... "Susie Myerson's office." 353 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,588 "Yes, may I speak with Susie Myerson, please? 354 00:13:58,630 --> 00:13:59,923 "It-It's about some very important, 355 00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:01,675 show-related business." 356 00:14:01,716 --> 00:14:04,761 "Uh, she's not in at the moment, so go fuck yourself." 357 00:14:04,803 --> 00:14:06,888 You might want to soften that a little. 358 00:14:06,930 --> 00:14:08,098 Yeah, but pretty cool, huh? 359 00:14:08,139 --> 00:14:10,058 "Susie Myerson's office." 360 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:12,394 "Susie Myerson and Associates." 361 00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:14,396 - What? - Thinking big, right? 362 00:14:14,437 --> 00:14:16,022 Yeah. I'm thinking big. 363 00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:20,026 All right, thank you, Ethan Carter and his combo! 364 00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:22,028 Well, that was almost palatable. 365 00:14:22,070 --> 00:14:24,531 Now, get your stuff off and we'll bring on the next act. 366 00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:26,074 (WHISTLES) 367 00:14:26,116 --> 00:14:28,910 Okay. It's gonna be a comedian. 368 00:14:28,952 --> 00:14:31,329 So hang tight, everybody, and get ready to laugh. 369 00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,831 You good to go? 370 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:33,957 Oh, God, yeah. 371 00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:35,125 Started my new job today. 372 00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:36,710 It was crazy. 373 00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:38,587 So many stories. I hung out with these young girls, 374 00:14:38,628 --> 00:14:40,171 cute as buttons. 375 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,299 And the customers, they were hysterical. 376 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:44,718 Great. You want to run it by me? A little, uh, practice run? 377 00:14:44,759 --> 00:14:46,219 Oh, no. I don't want to get stale. 378 00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:47,554 So, "Miriam," right? 379 00:14:47,596 --> 00:14:50,348 Yes, but I'll be using a nom de plume. 380 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,851 - A nom de what? - Nom de plume. 381 00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,644 - Sounds like a sex toy. - Yeah, like it goes up 382 00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:56,813 - your ass or something. - It's a fake name. 383 00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:58,273 I-I don't want to use my real name. 384 00:14:58,315 --> 00:14:59,774 Fine, then give me your fake name. 385 00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:02,193 Well, now I can't think of one. 386 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,195 Eh, F-Fanny, I guess. 387 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,488 And the last name? 388 00:15:05,530 --> 00:15:06,865 Brice. 389 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,700 - "Fanny Brice"? - That's taken. 390 00:15:08,742 --> 00:15:10,285 Then Fanny Jones. Uh... 391 00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:11,911 Fanny Jone... that is a terrible name. 392 00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:13,872 Yeah, like you put zero thought into it. 393 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,415 Jackie, please, just make up a last name for me. 394 00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:16,875 I'll come up with a permanent one later. 395 00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:19,836 OKAY. -OKAY, I REPEAT: I like your real name. 396 00:15:19,878 --> 00:15:21,713 I don't want to use my real name. 397 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,882 Hey, your call. 398 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,718 JACKIE: All right, give it up for a very funny lady, 399 00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,595 whose name you're gonna want to remember. 400 00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:30,430 Fanny Midge. 401 00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:31,931 - (APPLAUSE) - Come here. 402 00:15:33,058 --> 00:15:36,311 Thank you, everybody. 403 00:15:36,353 --> 00:15:37,854 That's very nice of you, 404 00:15:37,896 --> 00:15:39,439 seeing as how I haven't done anything yet. 405 00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:40,649 (LAUGHTER) 406 00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:42,901 So. 407 00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:44,778 I started work today. 408 00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:45,987 A new job. 409 00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:48,615 And it was crazy. 410 00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:50,659 Super crazy. I'm-I'm a makeup counter girl 411 00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:53,370 at B. Altman. Who here's been to B. Altman? 412 00:15:53,411 --> 00:15:54,996 No one? 413 00:15:55,038 --> 00:15:56,831 Really? Or is-is there one person? I c... 414 00:15:56,873 --> 00:15:59,668 This spotlight is so bright, I can't see a thing. 415 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,419 Blinding. Eh, co... 416 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:02,921 Maybe, just... 417 00:16:02,962 --> 00:16:04,673 (CHAIR SCRAPES ON FLOOR) 418 00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:07,300 Well, B. Altman is a department store. 419 00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:08,802 But I think my favorite thing I did today... 420 00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:10,261 And this is gonna sound weird... 421 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:14,265 Was punching in on the time clar... 422 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:15,600 "Time Clark." 423 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:16,935 What is wrong with my mouth? 424 00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,145 - (SOFT LAUGHTER) - "Time clock." 425 00:16:19,187 --> 00:16:22,774 Punching in was just kind of a real 426 00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:23,983 powerful feeling, you know? 427 00:16:24,025 --> 00:16:26,319 You know, the-the feel of it. 428 00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:27,904 The sound of it. 429 00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:30,073 M-My interview for the job was another thing. 430 00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:32,701 They were already getting ready for Christmas. 431 00:16:32,742 --> 00:16:35,245 It's not even Halloween yet, and I'm sitting in a hallway 432 00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:38,957 with a couple of dozen fat fucking Santas. 433 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,334 (LAUGHTER) -Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Picture that. 434 00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:45,338 Me, and a line of big, fat fucking Santas, and you know, 435 00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:49,217 some of these guys are fucking fat, and... 436 00:16:49,259 --> 00:16:50,385 (GULPING SOUND) 437 00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,304 They drink. 438 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:54,597 They are tipplers. 439 00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:56,057 That's what Mr. Stanyon told me. 440 00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:57,851 "Keep them sober." 441 00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,894 That-that's actually not Mr. Stanyon's voice, 442 00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:01,563 that's Mrs. O'Toole. 443 00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:03,982 "Doors are opening." 444 00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:07,527 That's what she says when she's about to have sex. 445 00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:10,780 (MAN COUGHING) 446 00:17:10,822 --> 00:17:11,865 (MICROPHONE DISTORTION) 447 00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:14,033 Lots of really pretty... 448 00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,411 fun girls at work, too. 449 00:17:16,453 --> 00:17:18,580 Uh, Mary, she's sweet. 450 00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:21,458 Vivian, kind of boy crazy, with her Van Heflins 451 00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:25,295 and William Holdens and... 452 00:17:25,336 --> 00:17:27,964 All right. You win. 453 00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:30,383 Uh, and then, there's Harriet. 454 00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:33,803 She's our Negro clerk. 455 00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:36,431 And beautiful, like, God, this woman is beautiful. 456 00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:40,185 She's-she's Lena Horne, she helps our Negro customers. 457 00:17:40,226 --> 00:17:41,394 Because she's a Negro. 458 00:17:41,436 --> 00:17:42,896 What? 459 00:17:42,937 --> 00:17:44,898 Harriet's a Negro. Where's this going? 460 00:17:44,939 --> 00:17:47,108 It-it's not going anywhere. 461 00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:50,153 - Obviously. - (LAUGHTER) 462 00:17:50,195 --> 00:17:52,530 This-this spotlight is really fucking bright. 463 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:54,157 C-Can you dim that? 464 00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:56,493 I mean, really, really, it's bright as shit. 465 00:17:56,534 --> 00:18:00,205 Okay, well, now the audience can't see me at all. 466 00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:02,332 - Doesn't matter. - (LAUGHTER) 467 00:18:02,373 --> 00:18:04,501 MIDGE: Oh. So he's funny. 468 00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:06,044 Him you laugh at. All right. 469 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,797 Okay, just-just getting the lay of the land here. 470 00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,006 You want to come up? 471 00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:11,216 Oh. 472 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:12,801 Yeah, didn't think so. 473 00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:14,093 Really? You're not-you're not gonna turn 474 00:18:14,135 --> 00:18:15,303 the spotlight back on? 475 00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,722 Can't find the switch? 476 00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:21,601 My underwear suddenly feels very tight. (LAUGHS) 477 00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:23,520 (EXHALES) 478 00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:24,604 Well. 479 00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:26,064 Uh, thanks, everybody. 480 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,107 It's been delightful. 481 00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,862 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You still got more time. 482 00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,531 Well, give my time to someone else. 483 00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:36,699 This isn't fucking Congress. Get back up there. 484 00:18:36,741 --> 00:18:40,119 No. And fix the fucking mic, it won't come off the stand. 485 00:18:47,502 --> 00:18:49,754 Sorry about that, everyone. 486 00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:52,715 Uh, we're gonna take a little break to clear the stink. 487 00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:54,133 (LAUGHTER) 488 00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:55,760 And we'll be back in 20. 489 00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,262 Jesus. 490 00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:59,097 What is wrong with these people? 491 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,599 Absolutely nothing is wrong with these people. 492 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:05,144 Nothing? They're unconscious. They're lying in state. 493 00:19:05,186 --> 00:19:06,604 And who is heckling me? 494 00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,147 There was another comic up there an hour ago. 495 00:19:08,189 --> 00:19:09,440 He killed. Same audience. 496 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,025 No. Uh-uh, no way. 497 00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:13,236 You stunk tonight, lady. That's all it was. 498 00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:15,655 No, Susie, this fucking audience could hardly lift their heads 499 00:19:15,697 --> 00:19:17,824 - up off the table long enough... - The audience was fine. 500 00:19:17,866 --> 00:19:19,576 You bombed. You took out Antwerp. 501 00:19:19,617 --> 00:19:21,244 - I bombed? - People were asking 502 00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:22,370 for directions to a fallout shelter. 503 00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:23,663 You bombed. 504 00:19:23,705 --> 00:19:26,708 - But I'm funny. - Everybody bombs. 505 00:19:26,749 --> 00:19:29,127 But I've seen Rickles five times. He's never bombed. 506 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,254 The guys go on Jack Paar, they never bomb. 507 00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:32,672 Yeah, that's 'cause they've spent years bombing 508 00:19:32,714 --> 00:19:34,549 and honing their act so you don't have to see them bomb. 509 00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:35,717 They've bombed, believe me. 510 00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:37,594 Well, I'm not gonna bomb again. 511 00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:39,804 No, you're gonna bomb again and again and again and again. 512 00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,514 Why would anyone do this if they're just gonna bomb 513 00:19:41,556 --> 00:19:43,141 again and again and again? 514 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,767 Because it's part of the process. 515 00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:46,102 Yeah, well, it's not part of my process. 516 00:19:47,353 --> 00:19:49,439 Shit. 517 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,733 I've only done this drunk or stoned. 518 00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:53,401 What-what if that's the only reason I was funny? 519 00:19:53,443 --> 00:19:55,111 Like, I can't get loaded every time I come on stage. 520 00:19:55,153 --> 00:19:57,155 You never met a comic? 521 00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:58,406 All right, here. Go smoke a cigarette. 522 00:19:58,448 --> 00:20:00,408 No, I'm not gonna go smoke a cigarette. 523 00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:01,951 I feel devastated. 524 00:20:01,993 --> 00:20:03,494 I've never felt this devastated. 525 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,788 You mean, besides when your husband left you. 526 00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:08,082 - Give me a cigarette. - Next time, prepare a little. 527 00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:09,626 Spontaneity works until it doesn't work. 528 00:20:09,667 --> 00:20:10,835 Then you're stuck. 529 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,211 Prepare. 530 00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:14,339 All right. 531 00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:15,798 Right. 532 00:20:20,178 --> 00:20:22,805 FUCK. -MORT SAHL: So we went to this cabdriver, 533 00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:24,641 and, uh, I don't want you to think we're like that, 534 00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,726 you know, but you must remember what men are like in war, 535 00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:28,353 it's that kind of a show tonight. (LAUGHTER) 536 00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:30,772 So we went to this cabdriver, and we said to him, 537 00:20:30,813 --> 00:20:32,231 "Where's the action?" 538 00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:34,901 This kind of masculine, sort of... (LAUGHTER) 539 00:20:34,943 --> 00:20:39,989 So, so he took us to this place where they fish illegally. 540 00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:42,033 - See, now you're not supposed... - (LAUGHTER) 541 00:20:47,121 --> 00:20:48,706 JOEL AND ARCHIE: ♪ Be prepared ♪ 542 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:51,876 ♪ And be careful not to do your good deeds ♪ 543 00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:53,586 ♪ When there's no one watching you ♪ 544 00:20:53,628 --> 00:20:55,088 ♪ If you're looking for adventure ♪ 545 00:20:55,129 --> 00:20:56,798 ♪ Of a new and different kind ♪ 546 00:20:56,839 --> 00:20:57,966 ♪ And you come across a Girl Scout ♪ 547 00:20:58,007 --> 00:20:59,717 ♪ Who is similarly inclined ♪ 548 00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:00,885 ♪ Don't be nervous, don't be flustered ♪ 549 00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:02,387 ♪ Don't be scared ♪ 550 00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:04,305 ♪ Be prepared! ♪ 551 00:21:04,347 --> 00:21:06,099 (LAUGHS) 552 00:21:08,518 --> 00:21:09,936 ARCHIE: Mm. 553 00:21:09,978 --> 00:21:12,355 That is the most beautiful song ever written. 554 00:21:12,397 --> 00:21:13,773 Who wrote that song? 555 00:21:13,815 --> 00:21:15,733 Franz fucking Schubert! 556 00:21:15,775 --> 00:21:17,777 Ah, did he now? -Guys, guys, you're not in your homes. 557 00:21:17,819 --> 00:21:18,778 Sorry, Sal. 558 00:21:18,820 --> 00:21:19,946 Sally. Sally, Sally. 559 00:21:19,988 --> 00:21:21,739 We were conquerors today. 560 00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,950 - Conquerors! - Veni, vidi, vici! 561 00:21:23,992 --> 00:21:25,243 - That's Latin. - Is that so? 562 00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:27,245 Sal, Sal, we sold plastic stuff 563 00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,163 to people that don't actually need plastic stuff. 564 00:21:29,205 --> 00:21:31,582 Yeah. See-see, that's what salesmanship is, Sally. 565 00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:34,877 Mm-hmm. -Selling things to people that they don't want. 566 00:21:34,919 --> 00:21:37,088 - It's kind of our calling. - Two more. 567 00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:40,341 - Then you go home. - (PHONE RINGING) 568 00:21:40,383 --> 00:21:42,343 - Sally's. - We're not going home. 569 00:21:42,385 --> 00:21:44,512 - I got to go home. - Then we'll go home. 570 00:21:44,554 --> 00:21:46,431 I think we just wrote Samuel Beckett's next play. 571 00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:47,598 It's not that hard. 572 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,058 Joel, it's for you. 573 00:21:49,100 --> 00:21:51,477 I love that people know how to reach you here. 574 00:21:51,519 --> 00:21:53,146 It's so urban. 575 00:21:53,187 --> 00:21:55,064 (CHUCKLES) 576 00:21:55,106 --> 00:21:56,733 Hello? 577 00:21:56,774 --> 00:21:58,401 Hey, Pen. 578 00:21:58,443 --> 00:22:01,404 Yeah, a certain young man did send you some flowers. 579 00:22:01,446 --> 00:22:03,865 Guess he forgot to include a card. (COIN CLATTERING) 580 00:22:03,906 --> 00:22:06,242 - Good, good, I'm glad. - (JUKEBOX CLICKING) 581 00:22:06,284 --> 00:22:07,994 Yeah. 582 00:22:08,036 --> 00:22:09,412 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, stay up. - ♪ Take out the papers ♪ 583 00:22:09,454 --> 00:22:11,289 - All right, bye. - ♪ And the trash... ♪ 584 00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:13,416 No. No, Sal. 585 00:22:13,458 --> 00:22:15,168 Who put this song on? 586 00:22:15,209 --> 00:22:17,295 - It offends my sensibilities. - I don't pick the music. 587 00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:18,504 Yeah, but you can pull the plug. 588 00:22:18,546 --> 00:22:20,048 This song isn't bad. 589 00:22:20,089 --> 00:22:21,924 Penny likes this song. 590 00:22:21,966 --> 00:22:23,926 Penny's young. Penny will learn. 591 00:22:23,968 --> 00:22:25,470 She's meeting the parents this week. 592 00:22:25,511 --> 00:22:27,055 (LAUGHING): Oh! Big stuff. 593 00:22:27,096 --> 00:22:28,681 She's pretty nervous. 594 00:22:28,723 --> 00:22:30,308 She doesn't have anything to be nervous about. 595 00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:31,934 She's a sweet girl. Penny's great. 596 00:22:31,976 --> 00:22:33,936 Yeah? -Yeah. Buddy, everyone loves Penny. 597 00:22:33,978 --> 00:22:35,897 Yeah. 598 00:22:35,938 --> 00:22:38,441 And she's all excited about seeing The Music Man next week. 599 00:22:38,483 --> 00:22:40,318 Oh, man, we've been dying to see that show. 600 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:41,527 Especially Imogene. 601 00:22:41,569 --> 00:22:42,612 How'd you get tickets? 602 00:22:42,653 --> 00:22:44,238 I got friends in high places. 603 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:45,531 You're the man. 604 00:22:45,573 --> 00:22:48,201 You know, I scored four seats, 605 00:22:48,242 --> 00:22:50,620 so I don't know, if you and Imogene want to tag along...? 606 00:22:50,661 --> 00:22:52,872 Are you kidding? Imogene would cancel surgery to see that show. 607 00:22:52,914 --> 00:22:54,457 Yes, we will go. 608 00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:55,666 You want to know what night? You may have plans. 609 00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:56,834 Whatever's planned is canceled. 610 00:22:56,876 --> 00:22:58,044 - We're going. - Great! 611 00:22:58,086 --> 00:22:59,712 God, I can't wait to tell her. 612 00:22:59,754 --> 00:23:02,298 And Penny will be excited, too. 613 00:23:02,340 --> 00:23:03,966 (CHUCKLES) 614 00:23:04,008 --> 00:23:06,010 ("BRAHMS LULLABY" PLAYING ON MUSIC BOX) 615 00:23:25,196 --> 00:23:28,449 ♪ I wonder why nobody don't like me ♪ 616 00:23:28,491 --> 00:23:31,285 ♪ Or is it the fact that I'm ugly? ♪ 617 00:23:31,327 --> 00:23:33,955 ♪ I wonder why nobody don't like me ♪ 618 00:23:33,996 --> 00:23:35,832 ♪ Or is it the fact that I'm ugly? ♪ 619 00:23:35,873 --> 00:23:39,335 Excuse me, I'm looking for a man with a rose in his lapel. 620 00:23:39,377 --> 00:23:41,003 Isn't that fun? 621 00:23:41,045 --> 00:23:42,547 ♪ Don't want me no more ♪ 622 00:23:42,588 --> 00:23:45,633 ♪ Bad talk inside the house they bring ♪ 623 00:23:45,675 --> 00:23:47,468 ♪ And when I talk, they start to sing... ♪ 624 00:23:47,510 --> 00:23:49,762 Excuse me. Herb Smith? 625 00:23:49,804 --> 00:23:52,265 That depends. Are you with the government? 626 00:23:52,306 --> 00:23:53,266 No. 627 00:23:53,307 --> 00:23:54,642 Then I'm Herb Smith. 628 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:57,019 - I joke. - Ah. 629 00:23:57,061 --> 00:23:58,479 - Midge Maisel, I presume. - You said, 630 00:23:58,521 --> 00:24:00,940 "Find the man with the rose in his lapel." 631 00:24:00,982 --> 00:24:02,984 And you did. Welcome to my office. 632 00:24:03,025 --> 00:24:05,319 ♪ Mama, look at boo boo, they ♪ 633 00:24:05,361 --> 00:24:08,281 ♪ Shut your mouth, go away ♪ 634 00:24:08,322 --> 00:24:10,533 ♪ Mama, look at boo boo, they... ♪ 635 00:24:13,619 --> 00:24:15,580 Ever been to the Stage Deli? 636 00:24:15,621 --> 00:24:17,582 Many moons ago. 637 00:24:17,623 --> 00:24:19,750 I'm a little more Barney Greengrass. 638 00:24:19,792 --> 00:24:21,502 - You hungry? - I could eat. 639 00:24:21,544 --> 00:24:23,129 Waitress? 640 00:24:23,171 --> 00:24:26,757 Yep? -Verla, how much do you love your Herb? 641 00:24:26,799 --> 00:24:28,926 With every bone in my body. 642 00:24:28,968 --> 00:24:31,637 Bring us, uh, a half pastrami on rye 643 00:24:31,679 --> 00:24:34,015 and a half chopped liver on challah, 644 00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:35,641 a stuffed cabbage, 645 00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:38,102 some kasha varnishkes, 646 00:24:38,144 --> 00:24:40,730 - and a bit of arugula. - You got it. 647 00:24:40,771 --> 00:24:42,398 I know what you're thinking. 648 00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:44,692 "He's extremely Jewish." 649 00:24:44,734 --> 00:24:47,278 And extremely hungry. (CHUCKLES) 650 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:48,946 Guilty on all counts. 651 00:24:48,988 --> 00:24:51,157 So, tell me why you called. 652 00:24:51,199 --> 00:24:53,242 I'm looking to hone an act. 653 00:24:53,284 --> 00:24:54,452 Great. As what? 654 00:24:54,493 --> 00:24:55,620 A stand-up act. 655 00:24:55,661 --> 00:24:58,247 A comedienne. Intriguing. 656 00:24:58,289 --> 00:25:00,833 - I told you that, didn't I? - You did. But... 657 00:25:00,875 --> 00:25:02,376 I didn't know if you were kidding. 658 00:25:02,418 --> 00:25:05,671 Because you're a comedienne. (CHUCKLES) 659 00:25:05,713 --> 00:25:08,633 Anyhow, I've helped tons of comics 660 00:25:08,674 --> 00:25:11,302 shape acts over the years. 661 00:25:11,344 --> 00:25:14,722 And I've dabbled in TV a little. 662 00:25:14,764 --> 00:25:16,974 Wrote an episode of Our Miss Brooks. 663 00:25:17,016 --> 00:25:18,935 - Do you know it? - I love that show. 664 00:25:18,976 --> 00:25:20,728 Eve Arden's a dream. 665 00:25:20,770 --> 00:25:23,105 - Mm. - A real dream. 666 00:25:23,147 --> 00:25:25,441 So please, talk. 667 00:25:25,483 --> 00:25:27,193 Well, I did a slot a few nights ago 668 00:25:27,235 --> 00:25:29,528 talking about a new job I got, as a makeup counter girl. 669 00:25:29,570 --> 00:25:31,113 I thought it was a natural, 670 00:25:31,155 --> 00:25:33,241 and I... bombed. 671 00:25:33,282 --> 00:25:34,617 Big-time. 672 00:25:34,659 --> 00:25:36,327 It was scary. 673 00:25:36,369 --> 00:25:38,537 I'm getting clammy just thinking about it. 674 00:25:38,579 --> 00:25:40,456 It's also warm in here. 675 00:25:40,498 --> 00:25:42,458 This what I've been drawing from... 676 00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:44,126 My comedy notebook. 677 00:25:44,168 --> 00:25:46,128 It's just some random funny thoughts 678 00:25:46,170 --> 00:25:48,172 I've written down over the years. 679 00:25:48,214 --> 00:25:50,091 I need someone like you to make sense of it. 680 00:25:50,132 --> 00:25:52,301 Minnie Pearl has a comedy notebook. 681 00:25:52,343 --> 00:25:53,886 Puts you in a good company. 682 00:25:53,928 --> 00:25:55,805 "I know you're probably thinking, 683 00:25:55,846 --> 00:25:58,099 "'If I wanted to hear a woman yapping, 684 00:25:58,140 --> 00:26:00,142 "I'd have stayed home.' 685 00:26:01,185 --> 00:26:03,187 "But there's no way your mothers 686 00:26:03,229 --> 00:26:05,273 are as funny as I am." 687 00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:07,108 Solid joke. 688 00:26:07,149 --> 00:26:08,693 Tell me more about you. 689 00:26:08,734 --> 00:26:10,319 Well, I've primarily been a housewife 690 00:26:10,361 --> 00:26:11,821 for the last five years. 691 00:26:11,862 --> 00:26:13,823 A funny Betty Crocker... That's interesting. 692 00:26:13,864 --> 00:26:15,032 Any kids? 693 00:26:15,074 --> 00:26:16,367 - Two. - Perfect. 694 00:26:16,409 --> 00:26:18,577 The Doyenne of Domesticity. 695 00:26:18,619 --> 00:26:20,162 That could be a thing. 696 00:26:20,204 --> 00:26:21,580 Well, I'd love to help. 697 00:26:21,622 --> 00:26:23,708 And I can dive in today. 698 00:26:23,749 --> 00:26:27,378 It's 15 bucks for the first five minutes of material. 699 00:26:27,420 --> 00:26:28,587 Sound good? 700 00:26:28,629 --> 00:26:30,047 Sounds very good. 701 00:26:30,881 --> 00:26:32,550 (LAUGHS) 702 00:26:32,591 --> 00:26:33,759 Tell me more. 703 00:26:33,801 --> 00:26:35,553 I went to Bryn Mawr. 704 00:26:35,594 --> 00:26:38,472 Definitely the funniest of the seven sisters. 705 00:26:40,933 --> 00:26:43,728 Then brush the color onto the lid, just lightly, 706 00:26:43,769 --> 00:26:45,313 and stop right here, 707 00:26:45,354 --> 00:26:47,732 about half an inch before you reach the eyebrow. 708 00:26:47,773 --> 00:26:49,734 I'll never be able to recreate this tomorrow. 709 00:26:49,775 --> 00:26:51,402 No problem. I'm coming home with you. 710 00:26:51,444 --> 00:26:53,112 (GIGGLES) -Saw this for you in the break room. 711 00:26:53,154 --> 00:26:55,364 - Thanks, Harriet. Excuse me. - Mm-hmm. 712 00:27:07,001 --> 00:27:08,836 Is that a pickle? 713 00:27:08,878 --> 00:27:10,629 I believe it is a pickle. 714 00:27:10,671 --> 00:27:13,299 Ladies, will you excuse me just a quick moment? 715 00:27:13,341 --> 00:27:14,925 Absolutely. 716 00:27:18,054 --> 00:27:19,972 (PHONE RINGS) 717 00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:22,391 Deli. 718 00:27:22,433 --> 00:27:24,226 MIDGE: Yes, hello. Is Herb Smith there? 719 00:27:24,268 --> 00:27:26,020 Herb? Phone. 720 00:27:26,062 --> 00:27:28,314 - HERB: Do they sound angry? - I'm not your fuckin' secretary. 721 00:27:28,356 --> 00:27:29,815 Just come get it. 722 00:27:29,857 --> 00:27:32,109 - This is Herb. - Herb, hi. Midge Maisel. 723 00:27:32,151 --> 00:27:34,320 And not the IRS? Thank God. 724 00:27:34,362 --> 00:27:35,988 - Good one. - You get my package? 725 00:27:36,030 --> 00:27:37,406 Shipped it out this morning. 726 00:27:37,448 --> 00:27:39,325 I did get it. And I'm a little confused. 727 00:27:39,367 --> 00:27:41,452 I don't know if you got the five messages I left you, 728 00:27:41,494 --> 00:27:43,329 but I have a slot at the Gaslight tonight. 729 00:27:43,371 --> 00:27:46,207 The Gaslight? So you know Susie Myerson. 730 00:27:46,248 --> 00:27:47,666 - She's terrific. - She is. 731 00:27:47,708 --> 00:27:49,335 But I don't have a lot of time to prepare, 732 00:27:49,377 --> 00:27:50,878 and I'm just wondering what the deal is 733 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:53,005 - with the three-by-five cards. - They're your act. 734 00:27:53,047 --> 00:27:55,424 But... I have no time to memorize all this. 735 00:27:55,466 --> 00:27:57,134 So you take them up on stage. 736 00:27:57,176 --> 00:27:59,678 It's how all the greats worked out their acts. 737 00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:03,474 Bob Hope, Moms Mabley... Everybody uses cards. 738 00:28:03,516 --> 00:28:05,267 Yeah, I've seen comics use cards. 739 00:28:05,309 --> 00:28:08,646 It's fun for the audience to see a comic working like this. 740 00:28:08,687 --> 00:28:12,066 It can be hit-and-miss at times, but lots of fun. 741 00:28:12,108 --> 00:28:14,652 - I guess. - Just have a stool next to you. 742 00:28:14,693 --> 00:28:17,321 You can put the cards on the stool. 743 00:28:17,363 --> 00:28:19,198 The Gaslight has a stool, doesn't it? 744 00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:20,658 They do have a stool. 745 00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:22,785 I should have put the stool in the cards. 746 00:28:22,827 --> 00:28:24,787 The stool is a big thing. 747 00:28:24,829 --> 00:28:26,872 - You see the pickle? - I did see the pickle. 748 00:28:26,914 --> 00:28:28,207 The pickle's funny. 749 00:28:28,249 --> 00:28:29,375 - The pickle is funny. - So... 750 00:28:29,417 --> 00:28:30,668 break a leg. 751 00:28:30,709 --> 00:28:32,044 Uh, I will. Thank you, Herb. 752 00:28:32,086 --> 00:28:34,171 Can't wait to hear how it goes. 753 00:28:34,213 --> 00:28:35,172 Bye. 754 00:28:35,214 --> 00:28:37,216 (DIAL TONE SOUNDS) 755 00:28:41,595 --> 00:28:43,889 I'm back, ladies. 756 00:28:43,931 --> 00:28:46,058 - Now, where were we? - You were on the lids. 757 00:28:46,100 --> 00:28:48,060 Ah, yes. 758 00:28:48,102 --> 00:28:50,896 And next up... 759 00:28:50,938 --> 00:28:53,566 we start from the top, 760 00:28:53,607 --> 00:28:57,445 and then slowly work our way down. 761 00:29:02,741 --> 00:29:05,077 (SIGHS) 762 00:29:05,119 --> 00:29:08,289 Just had to see it for myself. 763 00:29:10,583 --> 00:29:12,585 ♪ La mer ♪ 764 00:29:12,626 --> 00:29:13,961 (DOOR CLOSES) 765 00:29:14,003 --> 00:29:16,589 ♪ Qu'on voit danser ♪ 766 00:29:16,630 --> 00:29:17,882 ♪ Le long des... ♪ 767 00:29:17,923 --> 00:29:19,925 Flats are making a giant difference. 768 00:29:19,967 --> 00:29:22,303 I'm glad. -I'm just home for a quick change, 769 00:29:22,344 --> 00:29:23,804 and then I'm heading out. 770 00:29:23,846 --> 00:29:25,931 I'm meeting a friend for dinner. Okay. 771 00:29:25,973 --> 00:29:29,435 I'll pick up the kids from Mrs. Fulber when I get home. 772 00:29:29,477 --> 00:29:31,812 So, I saw them unboxing some new dresses 773 00:29:31,854 --> 00:29:33,272 on the seventh floor today. 774 00:29:33,314 --> 00:29:34,940 I'm not even supposed to be up there, 775 00:29:34,982 --> 00:29:36,734 but I just shoot the security guard a wink, 776 00:29:36,775 --> 00:29:38,027 and he looks the other way. 777 00:29:38,068 --> 00:29:40,571 Some Chanel came in... To die for. 778 00:29:40,613 --> 00:29:42,490 And there was this pink one with a little collar 779 00:29:42,531 --> 00:29:44,200 that was just screaming my name. 780 00:29:44,241 --> 00:29:46,160 There was this purply one, gloves to match, 781 00:29:46,202 --> 00:29:48,120 that just seemed so you. 782 00:29:48,162 --> 00:29:49,622 Hi, Mommy. 783 00:29:49,663 --> 00:29:51,332 ♪ ♪ 784 00:29:51,373 --> 00:29:53,042 Uh... 785 00:29:53,083 --> 00:29:56,420 Mama, Ethan and Esther are supposed to be with Mrs. Fulber. 786 00:29:56,462 --> 00:29:58,464 Fulber's a drunk. 787 00:30:00,132 --> 00:30:03,177 ♪ ♪ 788 00:30:03,219 --> 00:30:04,929 - JOEL: Come on. - SHIRLEY: Uh, no. 789 00:30:04,970 --> 00:30:07,348 No. He's the storyteller, not me. 790 00:30:07,389 --> 00:30:09,350 Ma, you're a great storyteller. 791 00:30:09,391 --> 00:30:12,520 If you don't mind 180-degree turns halfway through the story. 792 00:30:12,561 --> 00:30:13,687 - (LAUGHTER) - Moishe. 793 00:30:13,729 --> 00:30:14,980 - What? - Don't tease. 794 00:30:15,022 --> 00:30:16,982 I'm not teasing. I'm reporting. 795 00:30:17,024 --> 00:30:18,984 What did I tell you? Greatest show on earth. 796 00:30:19,026 --> 00:30:21,529 You start a story about a TV repairman, 797 00:30:21,570 --> 00:30:24,782 and then you end it describing a cruise to Istanbul. 798 00:30:24,823 --> 00:30:26,033 I don't find that normal. 799 00:30:26,075 --> 00:30:27,743 SHIRLEY: I did love that cruise. 800 00:30:27,785 --> 00:30:30,538 - I would love to go on a cruise. - We should take a cruise. 801 00:30:30,579 --> 00:30:32,540 Everyone should go on a cruise. 802 00:30:32,581 --> 00:30:34,542 Except Joel... He gets tummy sick. 803 00:30:34,583 --> 00:30:37,211 One time. -And it wasn't even on a cruise ship. 804 00:30:37,253 --> 00:30:39,004 It was on the Staten Island Ferry, 805 00:30:39,046 --> 00:30:41,006 to visit his cousins in Bulls Head. 806 00:30:41,048 --> 00:30:42,424 Ma, this is a story you should not tell. 807 00:30:42,466 --> 00:30:43,884 I want to hear it. 808 00:30:43,926 --> 00:30:45,803 He threw up. That's the story. 809 00:30:45,844 --> 00:30:48,097 - JOEL: Great story. - And she got to the end 810 00:30:48,138 --> 00:30:49,974 without talking about elephants or the Charleston. 811 00:30:50,015 --> 00:30:51,809 - Give your mother some credit. - (LAUGHTER) 812 00:30:51,850 --> 00:30:54,270 Young lady, we want to know more about you. 813 00:30:54,311 --> 00:30:56,730 (BANJO PLAYING, LIVELY CROWD CHATTER) 814 00:31:06,156 --> 00:31:08,576 ♪ ♪ 815 00:31:09,785 --> 00:31:11,787 Cutting it close there, gally. 816 00:31:11,829 --> 00:31:13,831 Sorry. Subway stopped between stations. 817 00:31:13,872 --> 00:31:15,541 We were in pitch black forever. 818 00:31:15,583 --> 00:31:17,376 Pretty sure some guy groped me. 819 00:31:17,418 --> 00:31:18,836 - Well, sometimes you get lucky. - Just give me 820 00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:20,170 - a minute to calm down. - You're going on, 821 00:31:20,212 --> 00:31:21,839 you got to get on. Crowd's gonna thin out. 822 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:23,591 - Just a quick minute. - Midge next? 823 00:31:23,632 --> 00:31:24,883 - Midge next. - What stupid 824 00:31:24,925 --> 00:31:26,802 fucking name are using this time? 825 00:31:26,844 --> 00:31:28,262 Sadie Morton. 826 00:31:28,304 --> 00:31:30,973 Why not? 827 00:31:31,015 --> 00:31:32,600 What are those? 828 00:31:32,641 --> 00:31:34,268 Just some notes. 829 00:31:34,310 --> 00:31:35,811 You wrote your act on cards? 830 00:31:35,853 --> 00:31:37,438 - Yeah. - Why? 831 00:31:37,479 --> 00:31:40,232 It's good enough for Bob Hope, it's good enough for me. 832 00:31:40,274 --> 00:31:41,859 (SONG ENDS, APPLAUSE) 833 00:31:41,900 --> 00:31:44,570 Since when do you pattern yourself after Bob Hope? 834 00:31:44,612 --> 00:31:48,949 All right, next up is a really funny comedian. 835 00:31:48,991 --> 00:31:51,577 Give it up for Sadie Morton! 836 00:31:51,619 --> 00:31:53,996 Like that's a real thing. 837 00:31:55,497 --> 00:31:57,916 Hi there, everybody. 838 00:31:57,958 --> 00:32:02,087 Yup. Drink it in... A woman comedian. 839 00:32:02,129 --> 00:32:03,881 - (LAUGHTER) - A rare sighting. 840 00:32:03,922 --> 00:32:06,258 I know you're probably thinking, "If I wanted 841 00:32:06,300 --> 00:32:08,385 to hear a woman yapping, I'd have stayed home." 842 00:32:08,427 --> 00:32:11,555 (LAUGHTER) -But there is no way your mothers are as funny as me. 843 00:32:11,597 --> 00:32:13,098 (LAUGHTER) 844 00:32:13,140 --> 00:32:15,392 All right, all right, we're having fun here. 845 00:32:15,434 --> 00:32:17,561 So I'm a mother, too, believe it or not, 846 00:32:17,603 --> 00:32:19,855 of three rambunctious kids. 847 00:32:19,897 --> 00:32:22,941 Okay, I-I have two kids, not three. Oh. 848 00:32:22,983 --> 00:32:25,694 Uh, one day, my oldest came home from junior high 849 00:32:25,736 --> 00:32:27,655 and said the craziest thing. 850 00:32:27,696 --> 00:32:29,823 Okay, I'm-I'm 26. 851 00:32:29,865 --> 00:32:31,283 I-I didn't give birth at 13. 852 00:32:31,325 --> 00:32:33,702 I would have had to have given birth at 13. 853 00:32:33,744 --> 00:32:35,204 Uh-uh. Can-can I borrow a pen? 854 00:32:35,245 --> 00:32:37,748 - Mm. - Thank you. 855 00:32:40,250 --> 00:32:43,962 When I was a kid, my parents told me I was their favorite, 856 00:32:44,004 --> 00:32:46,882 and that's not just because I'm an only child. 857 00:32:46,924 --> 00:32:48,884 I actually have a brother, 858 00:32:48,926 --> 00:32:52,971 so that's another thing that's not quite... accurate. 859 00:32:53,013 --> 00:32:55,265 Uh... you-you know, 860 00:32:55,307 --> 00:32:57,976 my family fights so much at the dinner table, 861 00:32:58,018 --> 00:33:02,773 I'm thinking of putting up four ropes and selling tickets. 862 00:33:02,815 --> 00:33:05,442 - I don't get that. - It's a boxing thing. 863 00:33:05,484 --> 00:33:06,902 - (LAUGHTER) - MIDGE: A boxing thing. 864 00:33:06,944 --> 00:33:09,655 Oh. Oh, okay, I get it. Thank you, sir. 865 00:33:11,073 --> 00:33:13,033 My husband. 866 00:33:13,075 --> 00:33:16,912 Ooh, I get so mad when he comes home late, 867 00:33:16,954 --> 00:33:19,957 I grab the frying pan, hit him over the head, 868 00:33:19,998 --> 00:33:22,418 and doink. 869 00:33:22,459 --> 00:33:24,336 Doink? 870 00:33:26,922 --> 00:33:29,550 An-And... and my mother is so nosy, 871 00:33:29,591 --> 00:33:32,678 I think she could win a gold medal. 872 00:33:34,263 --> 00:33:38,600 That's M-E-D-D-L-E, not-not M-E-D-A-L. 873 00:33:38,642 --> 00:33:41,937 It's more of a visual spelling joke, I guess. See... 874 00:33:41,979 --> 00:33:43,772 - (MICROPHONE FEEDBACK) -Ooh. - (MAN LAUGHS) 875 00:33:43,814 --> 00:33:45,607 - (PEOPLE GROANING) - MAN: All right. -WOMAN: Yeah. 876 00:33:47,067 --> 00:33:49,403 Wow. How did Bob Hope become Bob Hope? 877 00:33:49,445 --> 00:33:50,988 - (MIDGE LAUGHS) - Because he's funny. 878 00:33:51,029 --> 00:33:53,407 - (LAUGHTER) - Thank you, sir. 879 00:33:53,449 --> 00:33:55,826 Light's on me, not you. 880 00:33:55,868 --> 00:33:58,245 I went to Bryn Mawr. 881 00:33:59,455 --> 00:34:01,415 That's literally all it says. 882 00:34:01,457 --> 00:34:02,958 Next card. 883 00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:04,251 - Next comedian. - (LAUGHTER) 884 00:34:04,293 --> 00:34:07,045 - Excuse me? - Bring back the banjo. 885 00:34:07,087 --> 00:34:08,881 (LAUGHTER) -You think you could do better, asshole? 886 00:34:08,922 --> 00:34:10,382 (CROWD SIGHING, MURMURING) 887 00:34:10,424 --> 00:34:12,676 - Probably. - Oh, great. 888 00:34:12,718 --> 00:34:14,386 Then stand up and make 'em laugh. 889 00:34:14,428 --> 00:34:17,014 Come on. Let's see what you got. 890 00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:19,349 - What? You leave your balls at home? - AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Oh! 891 00:34:19,391 --> 00:34:22,019 - (AUDIENCE MURMURING) - Fine. 892 00:34:22,060 --> 00:34:25,522 Um, a Spanish magician tells the audience 893 00:34:25,564 --> 00:34:27,608 he'll disappear on the count of three. 894 00:34:27,649 --> 00:34:31,487 He says, "Uno, dos." Poof. 895 00:34:31,528 --> 00:34:33,238 He disappeared without a tres. 896 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:35,866 (LAUGHTER) 897 00:34:35,908 --> 00:34:38,285 (LAUGHTER, CHEERING) 898 00:34:41,246 --> 00:34:43,791 I quit. 899 00:34:46,084 --> 00:34:48,045 Why doesn't this stupid place have a backstage? 900 00:34:48,086 --> 00:34:49,463 Are you trying to humiliate me? 901 00:34:49,505 --> 00:34:51,632 You're doing a great job all by yourself. 902 00:34:51,673 --> 00:34:53,342 - What the fuck? - Don't. 903 00:34:53,383 --> 00:34:55,010 I mean, what the fuck? 904 00:34:55,052 --> 00:34:57,012 I just want to get the hell out of here. 905 00:34:57,054 --> 00:34:58,430 This isn't even your writing. 906 00:34:58,472 --> 00:34:59,848 Hi, Midge. 907 00:34:59,890 --> 00:35:01,767 What are you doing here? 908 00:35:01,809 --> 00:35:03,393 I came to catch your set. 909 00:35:03,435 --> 00:35:04,853 Nice job. 910 00:35:04,895 --> 00:35:07,105 Nice job? Were you listening? 911 00:35:07,147 --> 00:35:08,941 The whole time. 912 00:35:08,982 --> 00:35:11,485 You got some good laughs in the back there. 913 00:35:11,527 --> 00:35:13,779 How far back were you, Cafe Wha? 914 00:35:13,821 --> 00:35:15,739 Okay, I'm just trying to catch up here. 915 00:35:15,781 --> 00:35:18,575 - How do you know Herb Smith? - She answered my ad 916 00:35:18,617 --> 00:35:21,078 in the Hollywood Reporter. Hi, Susie. 917 00:35:21,119 --> 00:35:23,914 You hired the Stage Deli bottom-feeder to write your act? 918 00:35:23,956 --> 00:35:26,083 All based on her notebook. 919 00:35:26,124 --> 00:35:27,543 Lot of good stuff in there. 920 00:35:27,584 --> 00:35:29,419 Nothing from these cards came from my notebook. 921 00:35:29,461 --> 00:35:31,129 Yeah, because he sells the same crappy jokes 922 00:35:31,171 --> 00:35:32,840 to everyone who hires him. 923 00:35:32,881 --> 00:35:35,133 - He's a fuckin' recycler! - Didn't say that in the ad. 924 00:35:35,175 --> 00:35:37,970 That would have been a dumb thing to put in the ad. 925 00:35:38,011 --> 00:35:40,389 I told you it'd be hit-and-miss! 926 00:35:40,430 --> 00:35:42,850 It was all miss, Herb. Nothing hit! 927 00:35:42,891 --> 00:35:44,977 Please tell me you did not pay this guy. 928 00:35:45,018 --> 00:35:47,187 - Oh, I paid him. - Without consulting me? 929 00:35:47,229 --> 00:35:49,398 Hey, Midge, one thought? 930 00:35:49,439 --> 00:35:50,816 Oh, he's got a thought. 931 00:35:50,858 --> 00:35:52,442 The husband joke. 932 00:35:52,484 --> 00:35:54,695 When you hit him over the head with the frying pan, 933 00:35:54,736 --> 00:35:56,488 it's not "doink." 934 00:35:56,530 --> 00:35:59,324 It's... "Doy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoink!" 935 00:35:59,366 --> 00:36:02,411 Herb, the thing I'm gonna hit you over the head with, 936 00:36:02,452 --> 00:36:06,832 your screams are gonna drown out the doy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoy-yoink! 937 00:36:06,874 --> 00:36:09,042 We got to talk. Good-bye, Herb. 938 00:36:10,836 --> 00:36:12,004 SUSIE: Herb Smith. 939 00:36:12,045 --> 00:36:13,797 - Really? - I needed help. 940 00:36:13,839 --> 00:36:15,674 So you hire a guy that'll work for salami? 941 00:36:15,716 --> 00:36:17,009 I didn't want to bomb again. 942 00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:18,343 - Oh, mission accomplished. - Ha, ha. 943 00:36:18,385 --> 00:36:19,553 Geez. If I wanted an act like that, 944 00:36:19,595 --> 00:36:21,179 I'd have booked your husband. 945 00:36:21,221 --> 00:36:23,557 Real nice. -I thought we were doing this together. 946 00:36:23,599 --> 00:36:26,018 - Are we not doing this together? - I'm here, aren't I? 947 00:36:26,059 --> 00:36:27,936 You go behind my back, you hire a guy to help you. 948 00:36:27,978 --> 00:36:29,688 I'm here to help you. 949 00:36:29,730 --> 00:36:32,649 How? By rushing me onstage when I wasn't even ready? 950 00:36:32,691 --> 00:36:34,484 - What are you talking about? - I hardly stepped in the door 951 00:36:34,526 --> 00:36:36,111 and you were pushing me to go on. 952 00:36:36,153 --> 00:36:38,572 I wanted you to have a good audience. Great job. 953 00:36:38,614 --> 00:36:39,781 - So it's my fault. - Yes. 954 00:36:39,823 --> 00:36:41,325 - Hey, fuck you. - No, fuck you. 955 00:36:41,366 --> 00:36:43,035 What is wrong with you? 956 00:36:43,076 --> 00:36:44,411 I can't do this anymore. 957 00:36:44,453 --> 00:36:45,621 - Don't. - I can't do it. 958 00:36:45,662 --> 00:36:46,705 I-I don't want to do it. 959 00:36:46,747 --> 00:36:48,457 We've talked about bombing. 960 00:36:48,498 --> 00:36:50,584 So you get up on stage and bomb. See how you like it. 961 00:36:50,626 --> 00:36:52,377 - I'd hate it. - Well, there you go. 962 00:36:52,419 --> 00:36:54,296 But I'm not a comedian. You're the comedian. 963 00:36:54,338 --> 00:36:55,923 - Not anymore. - Bullshit. 964 00:36:55,964 --> 00:36:58,383 - Not anymore. - Oh. Again? 965 00:36:58,425 --> 00:37:00,052 Okay, fine. So you're not gonna do this? 966 00:37:00,093 --> 00:37:01,136 - Nope. - You're giving up? 967 00:37:01,178 --> 00:37:02,220 Yeah. 968 00:37:02,262 --> 00:37:03,847 Fine. 969 00:37:03,889 --> 00:37:05,390 Go get your purse. 970 00:37:05,432 --> 00:37:06,975 Go on home. 971 00:37:07,017 --> 00:37:08,852 But this is good-bye, Miriam. 972 00:37:08,894 --> 00:37:11,688 Or Sadie, or Cuntsy Lou Who or whatever your name is. 973 00:37:11,730 --> 00:37:13,231 Because that's all you and I are. 974 00:37:13,273 --> 00:37:15,192 Professional relationship. Not girlfriends. 975 00:37:15,233 --> 00:37:17,069 - I know that. - And if there's no profession, 976 00:37:17,110 --> 00:37:19,488 there's no relationship, capisce? 977 00:37:19,529 --> 00:37:20,906 Good-bye. 978 00:37:20,948 --> 00:37:22,366 Uh, don't forget your comedy cards. 979 00:37:22,407 --> 00:37:23,992 You paid good money for them. 980 00:37:24,034 --> 00:37:25,535 Don't forget to cancel that phone you ordered. 981 00:37:25,577 --> 00:37:27,162 Unless it's too late. 982 00:37:27,204 --> 00:37:29,456 Oh, don't worry. I didn't order the stupid phone. 983 00:37:29,498 --> 00:37:31,667 Maybe I can instinctively smell a loser! 984 00:37:31,708 --> 00:37:33,251 Fine! 985 00:37:35,003 --> 00:37:37,172 MOISHE: So the priest turns to the nun and says, 986 00:37:37,214 --> 00:37:39,174 "Excuse me, are you staring at me?" 987 00:37:39,216 --> 00:37:40,717 - Is this a dirty joke? - Would I tell a dirty joke 988 00:37:40,759 --> 00:37:41,843 - in mixed company? - Yes. -Yes. 989 00:37:41,885 --> 00:37:43,178 It's not a dirty joke. 990 00:37:43,220 --> 00:37:45,347 Eat that, honey. Eat it so that I won't. 991 00:37:45,389 --> 00:37:46,765 - (LAUGHS) - So, the nun says to the priest, 992 00:37:46,807 --> 00:37:49,518 "I remember you. We met once at the Vatican." 993 00:37:49,559 --> 00:37:51,603 - This is a dirty joke. - Not a dirty joke. 994 00:37:51,645 --> 00:37:53,897 And so, the priest says, "The Vatican's full 995 00:37:53,939 --> 00:37:56,483 "of a lot of priests, all in robes who look just like me. 996 00:37:56,525 --> 00:37:58,151 How do you know that was me?" 997 00:37:58,193 --> 00:38:00,696 And the nun says... 998 00:38:00,737 --> 00:38:02,114 This is a dirty joke. 999 00:38:02,155 --> 00:38:03,865 - (LAUGHS) -SHIRLEY: I knew it. - So did I. 1000 00:38:03,907 --> 00:38:05,909 All right. I'll resume smelling my dessert wine 1001 00:38:05,951 --> 00:38:08,495 and acting like I know what the hell I'm talking about. 1002 00:38:08,537 --> 00:38:10,288 Excuse me, everyone, I'm going to go freshen up. 1003 00:38:10,330 --> 00:38:11,999 - Because you're stale? - (LAUGHS) 1004 00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:14,042 I'll come with you, because I am definitely stale. 1005 00:38:14,084 --> 00:38:16,086 - (LAUGHS) - You're gorgeous, too, Shirl. 1006 00:38:16,128 --> 00:38:18,088 SHIRLEY: You're killing m with that tiny tush. 1007 00:38:18,130 --> 00:38:20,007 PENNY: Oh, Mrs. Maisel... 1008 00:38:22,467 --> 00:38:25,053 - No. - What? 1009 00:38:25,095 --> 00:38:27,264 Her. No. -What the hell are you talking about? 1010 00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:28,598 You know what I'm talking about. 1011 00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:29,891 How would I know what you're talking about? 1012 00:38:29,933 --> 00:38:31,101 She's young, she's emptyheaded, 1013 00:38:31,143 --> 00:38:32,644 she doesn't eat. She's a shiksa. 1014 00:38:32,686 --> 00:38:34,771 - So? - Shiksas are for practice. 1015 00:38:34,813 --> 00:38:36,064 Want to say that a little louder? 1016 00:38:36,106 --> 00:38:37,232 I think you heard me just fine. 1017 00:38:37,274 --> 00:38:38,233 I don't believe this. 1018 00:38:38,275 --> 00:38:39,317 Don't act like a child. 1019 00:38:39,359 --> 00:38:40,318 You can't judge her like this. 1020 00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:41,361 You don't even know her. 1021 00:38:41,403 --> 00:38:42,571 I know enough. That is a girl 1022 00:38:42,612 --> 00:38:43,989 that you have on the side, Joel. 1023 00:38:44,031 --> 00:38:45,615 It's not a girl you marry. 1024 00:38:45,657 --> 00:38:47,367 You don't introduce her to your fucking parents. 1025 00:38:47,409 --> 00:38:49,202 I had Yankees tickets tonight. 1026 00:38:49,244 --> 00:38:51,121 She's a good girl. Sweet. 1027 00:38:51,163 --> 00:38:52,581 "Sweet." Good. Sounds like a Danish. 1028 00:38:52,622 --> 00:38:53,582 - You'd hate her no matter what. - Yeah. Convince yourself 1029 00:38:53,623 --> 00:38:55,333 of that and then we'll talk. 1030 00:38:55,375 --> 00:38:56,376 (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) 1031 00:38:56,418 --> 00:38:58,336 No. 1032 00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:01,882 I'm eating her dessert. 1033 00:39:01,923 --> 00:39:03,008 MOISHE: Oh, there she is. 1034 00:39:03,050 --> 00:39:05,010 I stole... I stole your dessert. 1035 00:39:05,052 --> 00:39:06,261 That's okay, Mrs. Maisel. 1036 00:39:06,303 --> 00:39:07,679 Oh, call me Shirley. 1037 00:39:07,721 --> 00:39:09,264 - Oh. - MOISHE: I've got another joke. 1038 00:39:09,306 --> 00:39:11,516 - It's gonna be dirty again. - It's not gonna be dirty. 1039 00:39:11,558 --> 00:39:13,769 So, a clown walks into a laundromat. 1040 00:39:13,810 --> 00:39:15,103 - SHIRLEY: This is dirty. - (LAUGHS) 1041 00:39:15,145 --> 00:39:16,438 MOISHE: There's nothing dirty about it. 1042 00:39:16,480 --> 00:39:18,231 SHIRLEY: He told this joke five years ago 1043 00:39:18,273 --> 00:39:19,733 in front of the rabbi. 1044 00:39:19,775 --> 00:39:21,443 MOISHE: Wait, is this the dirty temple joke? 1045 00:39:21,485 --> 00:39:22,861 SHIRLEY: It's the dirty temple joke. 1046 00:39:22,903 --> 00:39:24,404 MOISHE: Are you sure? 1047 00:39:24,446 --> 00:39:26,239 SHIRLEY: It ends with cabbage up the chimney. 1048 00:39:26,281 --> 00:39:28,366 MOISHE: You're right, it's too dirty. Funny, but too dirty. 1049 00:39:28,408 --> 00:39:30,202 - Okay. Knock, knock. - SHIRLEY (LAUGHING): Moishe... 1050 00:39:30,243 --> 00:39:32,245 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 1051 00:39:38,835 --> 00:39:41,213 ♪ Life upon the wicked stage ♪ 1052 00:39:41,254 --> 00:39:46,802 ♪ Ain't ever what a girl supposes ♪ 1053 00:39:46,843 --> 00:39:50,180 (ELEVATOR CHIMES) -♪ Stage door Johnnies aren't raging ♪ 1054 00:39:50,222 --> 00:39:55,102 ♪ Over you with gems and roses... ♪ 1055 00:39:55,143 --> 00:39:56,311 - Hi, Midge. -Morning. - Good morning. 1056 00:39:56,353 --> 00:39:57,729 Morning. 1057 00:39:57,771 --> 00:39:59,981 ♪ When you let a feller hold your hand ♪ 1058 00:40:00,023 --> 00:40:04,236 ♪ Which means an extra beer or sandwich... ♪ 1059 00:40:04,277 --> 00:40:06,696 (NOTES SOUND) 1060 00:40:06,738 --> 00:40:09,866 Doors are opening. 1061 00:40:09,908 --> 00:40:13,328 - And it begins. - Good luck. 1062 00:40:13,370 --> 00:40:15,705 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 1063 00:40:15,747 --> 00:40:17,082 Excuse me. 1064 00:40:17,124 --> 00:40:19,251 Where's the kitchenware department? 1065 00:40:19,292 --> 00:40:20,961 - Fourth floor. - Thank you. 1066 00:40:21,002 --> 00:40:23,713 No, wait. Sixth. 1067 00:40:23,755 --> 00:40:25,257 - Nope. Fifth. - MARY: Uh, kitchenware's 1068 00:40:25,298 --> 00:40:26,800 on the third floor, southwest side. 1069 00:40:26,842 --> 00:40:29,469 Thank you. 1070 00:40:29,511 --> 00:40:32,347 - You okay? - Yeah. I'm just tired. 1071 00:40:32,389 --> 00:40:33,723 You look like you haven't had any fun lately. 1072 00:40:33,765 --> 00:40:35,559 That's for sure. 1073 00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:37,978 Then you should come to my party tonight. It's nothing fancy. 1074 00:40:38,019 --> 00:40:40,647 Cheap wine and pretzels and extremely dull boys. 1075 00:40:40,689 --> 00:40:41,940 Way to sell. 1076 00:40:41,982 --> 00:40:44,276 No, really. It'll be fun. 1077 00:40:44,317 --> 00:40:47,696 - ♪ Life upon the wicked stage ♪ - Maybe. 1078 00:40:47,737 --> 00:40:49,447 - ♪ Ain't nothing for a girl. ♪ - Thanks for the invite. 1079 00:40:52,951 --> 00:40:55,370 (PHONE RINGING) 1080 00:40:57,497 --> 00:40:59,291 - Hello? - ARCHIE: Joel, hi. It's me. 1081 00:40:59,332 --> 00:41:01,543 Hey, Arch. We were just about to step out. 1082 00:41:01,585 --> 00:41:03,712 We, uh, meeting in the lobby or outside? 1083 00:41:03,753 --> 00:41:05,547 Joel, sorry, but we got to beg off. 1084 00:41:05,589 --> 00:41:07,549 What? -We're stuck here. Babysitter just canceled. 1085 00:41:07,591 --> 00:41:08,925 She canceled? 1086 00:41:08,967 --> 00:41:10,510 Last second. She's never done this. 1087 00:41:10,552 --> 00:41:12,345 Call another. You got, like, four of them. 1088 00:41:12,387 --> 00:41:14,055 Yeah. They're all booked. 1089 00:41:14,097 --> 00:41:15,724 Oh. Well... 1090 00:41:15,765 --> 00:41:17,517 I could call Mrs. Moskowitz and see if she could... 1091 00:41:17,559 --> 00:41:19,102 And Imogene's not feeling well. 1092 00:41:19,144 --> 00:41:20,437 Cold, or something. 1093 00:41:20,478 --> 00:41:22,105 Can we take a raincheck? 1094 00:41:22,147 --> 00:41:23,648 It's a Broadway show. There's no raincheck. 1095 00:41:23,690 --> 00:41:25,233 I know. 1096 00:41:25,275 --> 00:41:26,443 I feel terrible. 1097 00:41:26,484 --> 00:41:28,111 - Arch. - I'm sorry, buddy. 1098 00:41:28,153 --> 00:41:30,113 Really. 1099 00:41:30,155 --> 00:41:31,448 I'll see you tomorrow? 1100 00:41:31,489 --> 00:41:33,074 Yeah. See you tomorrow. 1101 00:41:33,116 --> 00:41:35,118 Bye. 1102 00:41:40,332 --> 00:41:41,499 (SIGHS) 1103 00:41:41,541 --> 00:41:43,543 ♪ A Be-bop baby ♪ 1104 00:41:43,585 --> 00:41:46,171 ♪ A Be-bop baby ♪ 1105 00:41:46,213 --> 00:41:48,506 ♪ A Be-bop baby ♪ 1106 00:41:48,548 --> 00:41:50,884 ♪ She's the gal for me ♪ 1107 00:41:50,926 --> 00:41:54,095 ♪ She got plenty of rhythm, got plenty of jive ♪ 1108 00:41:54,137 --> 00:41:56,598 ♪ And when we dance, it really comes alive ♪ 1109 00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:58,808 ♪ My love for her's so tender and sweet ♪ 1110 00:41:58,850 --> 00:42:01,478 ♪ My heart starts pounding every time we meet ♪ 1111 00:42:01,519 --> 00:42:04,022 ♪ A Be-bop baby still in her teens ♪ 1112 00:42:04,064 --> 00:42:06,858 ♪ Just as sweet as she can be... ♪ 1113 00:42:06,900 --> 00:42:09,069 Hi, there. Midge, right? From makeup? 1114 00:42:09,110 --> 00:42:10,695 - Oh, yes. - Arnie. Menswear. 1115 00:42:10,737 --> 00:42:12,197 - Schlitz? - Thank you, Arnie. 1116 00:42:12,239 --> 00:42:14,115 - So how you liking the job? - I like it. 1117 00:42:14,157 --> 00:42:15,617 Lot of nice girls down in makeup. 1118 00:42:15,659 --> 00:42:17,535 - Very nice. - It's all men up where I am. 1119 00:42:17,577 --> 00:42:19,329 (CHUCKLES) Comes with the territory. 1120 00:42:19,371 --> 00:42:21,164 - So you like Ricky Nelson? - What I've heard. 1121 00:42:21,206 --> 00:42:23,166 It's funny how we all grew up watching him on TV, 1122 00:42:23,208 --> 00:42:24,542 now he's this big rock star. 1123 00:42:24,584 --> 00:42:26,002 - The next Elvis. - Very funny. 1124 00:42:26,044 --> 00:42:27,212 (CHUCKLES) 1125 00:42:27,254 --> 00:42:29,005 ♪ She's the gal for me... ♪ 1126 00:42:29,047 --> 00:42:30,632 Oh, were you hitting on me? 1127 00:42:30,674 --> 00:42:33,218 - Oh, no, I... - You are. That's so sweet, 1128 00:42:33,260 --> 00:42:34,970 but that's not why I'm here, Arnie. 1129 00:42:35,011 --> 00:42:36,680 - I'm sorry. - No, I'm sorry. 1130 00:42:36,721 --> 00:42:38,515 Uh, did you want the Schlitz back? 1131 00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:39,766 No, it's fine. 1132 00:42:39,808 --> 00:42:42,560 - Enjoy. - Thank you. 1133 00:42:42,602 --> 00:42:44,062 (GASPS) Midge. 1134 00:42:44,104 --> 00:42:45,772 - You came. - I did. 1135 00:42:45,814 --> 00:42:47,399 - Ah! - Nice place. 1136 00:42:47,440 --> 00:42:49,609 Eh, it's, uh, it's home for now. 1137 00:42:49,651 --> 00:42:52,904 Uh, Vivian, Harriet, look what the cat dragged in. 1138 00:42:52,946 --> 00:42:54,322 Oh. Hi, Midge. 1139 00:42:54,364 --> 00:42:56,408 - Vivian's drunk. - I'm not a drunk. 1140 00:42:56,449 --> 00:42:58,785 I didn't say you were a drunk. I said you were drunk. 1141 00:42:58,827 --> 00:43:00,704 Honey, you have two cups. What's up with that? 1142 00:43:00,745 --> 00:43:03,540 I poured myself a vodka and I forgot, and I poured a gin. 1143 00:43:03,581 --> 00:43:04,916 Guess I could mix 'em. 1144 00:43:04,958 --> 00:43:06,376 Oh, Vivian, no, no, no, no, no. 1145 00:43:06,418 --> 00:43:08,086 You will thank me in the morning. 1146 00:43:08,128 --> 00:43:10,046 She's not gonna be thanking anyone in the morning. 1147 00:43:10,088 --> 00:43:11,256 I'll keep Vivian close tonight. 1148 00:43:11,298 --> 00:43:12,424 I'm not a child. 1149 00:43:12,465 --> 00:43:14,009 Hey, we've all done this. 1150 00:43:14,050 --> 00:43:17,053 I once mixed tequila, absinthe and red wine. 1151 00:43:17,095 --> 00:43:18,763 - Ooh. -Ouch. - Came out pink. 1152 00:43:18,805 --> 00:43:21,474 I'd never puked my favorite color before. 1153 00:43:21,516 --> 00:43:23,977 I don't even much like the taste of alcohol. 1154 00:43:24,019 --> 00:43:25,145 Oh, me either. 1155 00:43:25,186 --> 00:43:26,604 - But I like being tipsy. - Mmm. 1156 00:43:26,646 --> 00:43:28,231 I mean, I wish there was a pill... 1157 00:43:28,273 --> 00:43:31,318 I-I guess there is. It's called "pills." 1158 00:43:31,359 --> 00:43:34,195 Hi, girls. Uh, what happened to all the guys? 1159 00:43:34,237 --> 00:43:35,864 They're clustered in a corner. 1160 00:43:35,905 --> 00:43:37,532 Why do they do that? 1161 00:43:37,574 --> 00:43:38,950 Why do they cluster like that? 1162 00:43:38,992 --> 00:43:40,952 Because we intimidate them or because 1163 00:43:40,994 --> 00:43:44,205 they're finally admitting they don't know anything about cars? 1164 00:43:44,247 --> 00:43:47,292 Lots of tears and catharsis over that. 1165 00:43:47,334 --> 00:43:50,086 Or maybe they're just hoping to start a really easily-winnable 1166 00:43:50,128 --> 00:43:53,298 game of tug-of-war. Or it's just a bunch of guys 1167 00:43:53,340 --> 00:43:55,342 who didn't make their high school team talking about 1168 00:43:55,383 --> 00:43:58,636 how Mickey Mantle can improve his swing. 1169 00:43:58,678 --> 00:44:00,722 (KNOCKING AT DOOR) 1170 00:44:10,190 --> 00:44:11,691 Hi, Rose. 1171 00:44:11,733 --> 00:44:15,070 Did Midge tell you? I'm bringing Ethan back. 1172 00:44:18,490 --> 00:44:19,949 See you later, sport. 1173 00:44:19,991 --> 00:44:21,993 Bye, Daddy. 1174 00:44:27,165 --> 00:44:29,167 Your wife is working. 1175 00:44:33,671 --> 00:44:35,215 Your first apartment? 1176 00:44:35,256 --> 00:44:36,716 My very first. 1177 00:44:36,758 --> 00:44:38,760 You know, I never had a first apartment. 1178 00:44:38,802 --> 00:44:42,097 I lived with my folks, went to college, got married. 1179 00:44:42,138 --> 00:44:44,140 I've never killed my own spiders. 1180 00:44:44,182 --> 00:44:45,850 What do you do if you see one? 1181 00:44:45,892 --> 00:44:48,812 I assume just get a new apartment. 1182 00:44:48,853 --> 00:44:51,564 Really, three girls and one bathroom? 1183 00:44:51,606 --> 00:44:53,650 And you haven't tried to kill each other yet? 1184 00:44:53,691 --> 00:44:55,652 Just... attack each other with eyelash curlers, 1185 00:44:55,693 --> 00:44:57,570 karate each other with bra straps... 1186 00:44:57,612 --> 00:45:00,281 What happens here? It's frightening. 1187 00:45:00,323 --> 00:45:02,492 ♪ Would ya like to know what kind of conversation goes on ♪ 1188 00:45:02,534 --> 00:45:04,536 ♪ While they're loafing around at home? ♪ 1189 00:45:04,577 --> 00:45:06,579 ♪ They'll be tryin' out Bevo, tryin' out cubebs ♪ 1190 00:45:06,621 --> 00:45:09,207 ♪ Tryin' out Tailor Mades like Cigarette Fiends ♪ 1191 00:45:09,249 --> 00:45:11,501 ♪ And braggin' all about how they're gonna cover up ♪ 1192 00:45:11,543 --> 00:45:13,169 ♪ A tell-tale breath with Sen-Sen ♪ 1193 00:45:13,211 --> 00:45:15,338 ♪ One fine night, they leave the pool hall ♪ 1194 00:45:15,380 --> 00:45:17,215 ♪ Headin' for the dance at the Arm'ry ♪ 1195 00:45:17,257 --> 00:45:18,967 ♪ Libertine men and Scarlet women ♪ 1196 00:45:19,008 --> 00:45:20,677 ♪ And Rag-time, shameless music ♪ 1197 00:45:20,718 --> 00:45:22,846 ♪ That'll grab your son, your daughter ♪ 1198 00:45:22,887 --> 00:45:25,682 ♪ With the arms of a jungle animal instinct, mass-steria ♪ 1199 00:45:25,723 --> 00:45:29,310 ♪ Friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground, trouble ♪ 1200 00:45:29,352 --> 00:45:31,104 - ♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪ - ♪ Right here in River City ♪ 1201 00:45:31,146 --> 00:45:32,939 - ♪ Right here in River City ♪ - ♪ With a capital "T" ♪ 1202 00:45:32,981 --> 00:45:35,066 ♪ And that rhymes with "P" and that stands for pool ♪ 1203 00:45:35,108 --> 00:45:37,277 - ♪ That stands for pool ♪ - ♪ We've surely got trouble ♪ 1204 00:45:37,318 --> 00:45:39,070 - ♪ We've surely got trouble ♪ - ♪ Right here in River City ♪ 1205 00:45:39,112 --> 00:45:40,655 - ♪ Right here ♪ - ♪ Gotta figure out a way ♪ 1206 00:45:40,697 --> 00:45:42,740 ♪ To keep the young ones moral after school ♪ 1207 00:45:42,782 --> 00:45:44,826 ♪ Our children's children gonna have trouble, trouble ♪ 1208 00:45:44,868 --> 00:45:47,120 - ♪ Trouble, trouble... ♪ - ♪ Mothers of River City ♪ 1209 00:45:47,162 --> 00:45:49,164 ♪ Heed that warning before it's too late ♪ 1210 00:45:49,205 --> 00:45:51,458 ♪ Watch for the tell-tale signs of corruption ♪ 1211 00:45:51,499 --> 00:45:53,334 ♪ The minute your son leaves the house ♪ 1212 00:45:53,376 --> 00:45:56,296 ♪ Does he rebuckle his knickerbockers below the knee? ♪ 1213 00:45:56,337 --> 00:45:58,715 ♪ Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger? ♪ 1214 00:45:58,756 --> 00:46:00,800 ♪ A dime novel hidden in the corn crib? ♪ 1215 00:46:00,842 --> 00:46:02,635 ♪ Is he starting to memorize jokes ♪ 1216 00:46:02,677 --> 00:46:04,554 ♪ From Captain Billy's Whiz Bang? ♪ 1217 00:46:04,596 --> 00:46:07,765 ♪ Are certain words creeping into his conversation? ♪ 1218 00:46:07,807 --> 00:46:10,935 ♪ Words like "swell" ♪ 1219 00:46:10,977 --> 00:46:15,064 ♪ And "So's your old man"? Well, if so my friends ♪ 1220 00:46:15,106 --> 00:46:17,317 - ♪ Ya got trouble ♪ - ♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪ 1221 00:46:17,358 --> 00:46:19,027 - ♪ Right here in River city ♪ - ♪ Right here in River city ♪ 1222 00:46:19,068 --> 00:46:21,029 ♪ With a capital "T" And that rhymes with "P" ♪ 1223 00:46:21,070 --> 00:46:23,448 - ♪ And that stands for pool ♪ - ♪ That stands for pool ♪ 1224 00:46:23,490 --> 00:46:25,283 - ♪ We've surely got trouble ♪ - ♪ We've surely got trouble ♪ 1225 00:46:25,325 --> 00:46:27,202 - ♪ Right here in River City ♪ - ♪ Right here ♪ 1226 00:46:27,243 --> 00:46:29,704 ♪ Gotta figure out a way to keep the young ones moral after ♪ 1227 00:46:29,746 --> 00:46:31,414 ♪ School ♪ -♪ Our children's children gonna have trouble ♪ 1228 00:46:31,456 --> 00:46:33,625 - ♪ Trouble ♪ - ♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪ 1229 00:46:33,666 --> 00:46:35,376 - ♪ Right here in River City ♪ - ♪ Right here in River City ♪ 1230 00:46:35,418 --> 00:46:37,504 ♪ With a capital "T" and that rhymes with "P" ♪ 1231 00:46:37,545 --> 00:46:39,506 - ♪ And that stand for pool ♪ - ♪ That stands for pool ♪ 1232 00:46:39,547 --> 00:46:41,341 - ♪ We've surely got trouble ♪ - ♪ We've surely got trouble ♪ 1233 00:46:41,382 --> 00:46:43,051 - ♪ Right here in River City ♪ - ♪ Right here ♪ 1234 00:46:43,092 --> 00:46:45,094 ♪ Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock and the Golden Rule ♪ 1235 00:46:45,136 --> 00:46:46,763 ♪ Our children's children gonna have trouble ♪ 1236 00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:48,765 - ♪ Trouble ♪ - ♪ Oh, we got trouble ♪ 1237 00:46:48,806 --> 00:46:50,475 - ♪ Right here in River City ♪ - ♪ Right here in River City ♪ 1238 00:46:50,517 --> 00:46:52,393 ♪ With a capital "T" and that rhymes with "P" ♪ 1239 00:46:52,435 --> 00:46:54,604 - ♪ And that stands for pool ♪ - ♪ That stands for pool ♪ 1240 00:46:54,646 --> 00:46:56,439 - ♪ We've surely got trouble ♪ - ♪ We've surely got trouble ♪ 1241 00:46:56,481 --> 00:46:58,358 - ♪ Right here in River City ♪ - ♪ Right here ♪ 1242 00:46:58,399 --> 00:47:00,652 ♪ Gotta figure out a way to keep the young ones moral after ♪ 1243 00:47:00,693 --> 00:47:02,153 ♪ School ♪ -♪ Our children's children gonna have trouble ♪ 1244 00:47:02,195 --> 00:47:03,780 ♪ Oh, we've got trouble ♪ 1245 00:47:03,821 --> 00:47:05,615 ♪ We're in terrible, terrible trouble ♪ 1246 00:47:05,657 --> 00:47:07,784 ♪ That game with the 15 numbered balls is a devil's tool ♪ 1247 00:47:07,825 --> 00:47:09,661 ♪ Devil's tool ♪ -♪ Oh, yes, we got trouble, trouble, trouble ♪ 1248 00:47:09,702 --> 00:47:11,788 ♪ Oh, yes, we got trouble here, we got big, big trouble ♪ 1249 00:47:11,829 --> 00:47:13,748 - ♪ With a "T" ♪ - ♪ With a capital "T" ♪ 1250 00:47:13,790 --> 00:47:15,333 - ♪ Gotta rhyme it with "P" ♪ - ♪ That rhymes with "P" ♪ 1251 00:47:15,375 --> 00:47:16,584 ♪ And that stands for pool! ♪ 1252 00:47:16,626 --> 00:47:20,922 ♪ That stands for pool! ♪ 1253 00:47:20,928 --> 00:47:22,928 Corrected & Synced by Bakugan 1253 00:47:23,305 --> 00:47:29,511 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org93002

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