Original subtitles

[ Chorus ] ♪ The Simpsons ♪

D'oh! [ Screams ]

[ All Shouting, Grunting ]

[ GrowIing ]

Ηi, Moe. Got any beer? Sure. Check in the fridge.

Wait a minute. l'm at work. You gotta pay for it!

What the- Where's my money?

[ Marge's Voice ]

Wha-

Oh.

[ Lisa's Voice ]

[ Bart's Voice ]

Sorry, Ηomer.

So you're just gonna Iet me walk out of here sober.

l'm afraid so.

- And you can live with that. - Yuh-huh.

Fine! There are plenty other ways for me to alter my consciousness.

[ Wind Whistling ]

[ Inhales ]

Oh, yeah.

[ Grunting ]

Are you gonna buy those toads or just lick 'em?

Lick 'em. Go away.

Ah.

Τhanks for the donation, Mr. Simpson. Do you feel okay?

[ Chuckling ] Jewish? Oh, no. l'm not Jewish.

[ Laughing ]

Wait till Moe sees how wasted I got without him.

He's gonna plotz.

You wouldn't serve Ηomer just cause he didn't have money?

What happened to you, Moe? You used to be about the booze.

Ah, yeah.

l guess l got caught up in all the glitz and gIamour.

[ Squeaking ]

♪♪ [ Ηumming ]

Well, Moe.

Ηomer, I'm so sorry. Have a free beer.

Oh.

l don't care about the color of your skin, Lenny.

You're my friend. [ ChuckIing ]

Man, I've never seen anybody get Ioaded so fast.

Ηomer, can you say the alphabet backwards?

Oh, you'd Iike that, wouIdn't you, you-

Ηey, l'm worried.

l've had just about enough of you! [ Grunts ]

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Oh, rats.

l'm out of here.

We can't let our friend drive like this. l'm liable here. [ Door Opens, Closes ]

[ Muttering ] Get his keys!

Ah-ha! Oh! Whoo!

Hey, you want my keys?

[ Splashes ] Get 'em now, jerks.

[ Laughing ]

So long, jerks!

[ lmitating Engine ]

Running after the car, huh?

Let's see if you can folIow this! [ Imitating Tires SqueaIing ]

Τhat's it.

[ Whistles ] [ Tires Screeching ]

♪♪ [ Ηumming ]

[ Driver ] Where to, pal? [ Homer ] Moe's Tavern.

Good morning, everybody. [ Kisses ]

What's for breakfast, cutie?

Ηomie, it's 5:00 p.m.

We're having dinner. What?

Wait a- Τhat can't be right.

Wait. Was Iast night the night we set the clocks ahead eight hours?

No. lt was the night you got loaded and the car had to be towed home.

lf l was that drunk, I would remember it.

lt's true. l couldn't even wake you up for work this morning.

l had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea.

Oh!

Couldn't you come up with a less embarrassing lie?

But you did have violent diarrhea.

Nobody open the haIlway cIoset until I say it's okay.

[ Both Shuddering ]

Do you remember how you got home Iast night, Dad?

Of course.

lt was, uh, some kind of a Iight raiI.

Τhere's no light rail in SpringfieId.

Won't anyone pretend to believe me?

l will, Dad.

And that's why you're my favorite. [ Kisses ]

[ Ηuffs ]

[ ΤV Τurns On ]

All right. Time for my favorite show.

[ Announcer ] M.Τ.C.: Monkey Τrauma Center will not be seen tonight-

- [ Groans ] - so we may proudly present this much cheaper show.

[ Woman ] Taxicab Conversations.

Ηey, I read about this show in Teen Modern Maturity.

Τhey film passengers with hidden cameras...

and catch them at their most uninhibited.

Τhat explains that.

♪♪ [ Disco On Speakers ]

♪♪ [ Ηumming ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

♪♪ [ Scatting ] Looks like somebody got down tonight.

Disco Stu aIways gets down, baby.

'Cause when the beat is hot, the-

[ Sighs ]

- Hey, can you keep a secret? - What is it, hon?

l hate disco.

lt's alI I've talked about for so long that peopIe think I'm a one-note guy.

[ Sighs ]

lt's just getting harder, you know?

l had no idea Disco Stu was so complex.

- How you doin'? - TaIky thing, ain't ya?

Another proud moment for the Simpsons.

l don't remember anybody teIIing me I was gonna be on TV.

[ SIurps ]

So, what do you do for a Iiving?

Oh, you know. I'm a guy at a pIace.

How'd you get such a crappy job? You a convict or a junkie?

Little of both. You got a family?

Oh, yeah. Wife and two or three kids.

Can't imagine my life without 'em.

Oh, you big fooler- pretending not to remember so you could surprise us.

[ Nervous Chuckle ] Yeah, pretty great.

At the end of a hard day,

there's no better feeling than coming home to the peopIe you love.

Oh, Homie. [ Kisses ] That is so sweet.

l had no idea, Dad.

l just assumed with all the stranglings, you know-

Τhat my famiIy isn't the center of my universe?

Are you nuts?

Τhen there's those other days...

where you just wish you never got married or had kids.

[ Whimpers ]

One minute you're a carefree teenager...

with dreams of being a rock star or a photographer for Playboy.

Τhen bam! Some babe gets her cIaws in you-

- Huh? - And boom, you got a bunch of kids that always needs love.

[ Both Gasping ]

So whammo, you get stuck in some boring job...

where they don't let you play guitar or take pictures of naked women.

And all you can do is watch yourself get baId and fat...

and kiss your dreams good-bye.

[ Snoring ]

l can't believe they took Monkey Trauma Center off for this.

[ Snoring ] Lousy family-

So, l'm just some babe who sank her cIaws into you.

A hot babe. Oh!

Have you always resented us, Dad?

Oh, l don't resent you, sweetheart.

What l was trying to say, and maybe I didn't use the right word,

was that marriage is like a coffin,

and each kid is another nail, but as coffins go-

- Please don't say any more. - Sorry we ruined your life, Homer.

[ Ηuffs ]

Oh, what have I done?

[ Whistle Blows ]

- Get in! - Wha-

Get... in!

Ηey, what's this suitcase for? Are we going on a trip?

You are. [ CackIing ]

- [ Cackling ] - [ Whimpering ]

Where are you taking me?

A place where you'll never be bothered by your family again.

[ Gasps ]

Oh.

[ Whimpers ]

[ Screams ]

Get out of the car, Homer.

You can't just leave me out here!

Τhere's not another woman for miles!

Sorry, Dad. Maybe now you'lI appreciate us.

WhiIe you're spending the week at-

Rock and roll fantasy camp!

[ Electricity Buzzing ]

[ Gasps ] Τhe Rolling Stones' Rock n' Roll Fantasy Camp!

But I thought you guys were mad at me.

For once in my life, I'm confused.

We had a family meeting...

and decided that even though what you said about us...

was incredibly thoughtless and hurtful, you had a point.

- Damn straight. - You work a job you don't like...

so l'm able to be home with the kids.

And you take me pIaces you hate,

like museums, plays and the Olive Garden.

And even though you knew l ratted you out to the l.R.S., you never busted me on it.

- You what? - So to say thank you for all your sacrifices,

we spent our family vacation fund on something that's just for you.

Do you like it?

You guys are the best! I Iove you, I Iove you.

[ Grunts, Groans ] I'm okay.

l love you, l love you, I Iove you.

[ Owl Hooting ] [ Crickets Chirping ]

Ηey, what gives? Where are all the rock stars?

l don't know, but it's starting to get dark.

- ♪♪ [ "Start Me Up," Faint ] - [ Gasps ] What was that?

- ♪♪ [ Continues ] - Oh! lt's gettin' closer!

♪♪ [ Riff ]

Ηello, campers! How you doin'?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

lt's Mick Jagger and Keith Richards!

[ Shouts, Whimpers ]

Welcome to Rock n' Roll Fantasy Camp,

where you'lI experience the complete rock-and-rolI Iifestyle.

Without the lawsuits and S.T.D.'s.

Whoo! S.T.D.'s!

Now you're all here for one reason.

- Τo rock! - Who said that?

Τhat's right, Otto. We're here to rock!

[ Cheering ]

So get a good night's sleep and remember-

- Rule number one, there are no rules! - [ Cheering ]

Rule number two, no outside food.

[ Restrained Cheering ] Aw, what a gyp.

Ηey, Mick. You gonna teach us your cocksure strut?

Not today. l've got a ton of paperwork to catch up on.

Τell me about it. At my job, we-

Oh. Oh, you're gone.

[ Richards On P.A. ] Hey, wake up!

[ All Grunting, Muttering ]

Are you ready to receive professionaI training in rock?

♪♪ [ Power Chord ]

Ηave you been awake aIl night?

l am so excited, I couldn't fall asleep.

l even took some pills l found on the floor, and stilI nothing.

You took pills you found on the fIoor?

Uh-huh. Now l'm afraid that if I stop talking, I'll die.

lsn't Mick cool? I thought he'd be all, like,

"I'm a rock star. Aren't l great?"

But he's just like you or me or Jesus over there!

[ Wiggum ] Can I have a guitar? [ Clamoring ]

[ Blows ] PeopIe! People.

lf everyone's gonna pick guitar, l'm not gonna have enough to go round.

- [ Groaning ] - But there's lots of other fun instruments,

like bass.

♪♪ [ Plays Notes ]

Come on. Who'd like to be a bass pIayer?

Out of my way, nerdlinger!

- [ Glasses Shatter ] - My image!

[ Otto ] Get me the Strat!

[ Clamoring ]

l'm telling Mr. Jagger.

[ Mocking ] Ooh, I'm telIing Mr. Jagger.

Τhe clothes you wear on stage should be a defiant statement of individuality.

Like this, Mr. Kravitz?

God, no.

May we talk about, uh, accentuating the- [ Chuckles ] masculine area?

Did you hear that, people? Apu asked about crotch stuffing.

Now, I don't do it. Kenny Loggins does.

l trusted you! [ Sobbing ]

♪♪ [ RockabiIly ]

Now, a guitar has many, many nicknames: an ax, a gitbox-

l guess that's it.

Anyway, we're gonna start with the fundamentals:

playing a burning guitar with your teeth.

[ Cheering ] All right! Fire!

- Mister Seltzer? - Setzer.

- No, I think it's Seltzer. - [ Groans ] What is it, Homer?

l came up with a stage move I feeI is very cool.

[ Grunting ]

Baby, baby, baby, baby-

[ Whirring, Clicking ] We've gotta start using a cheaper oatmeal.

[ Ηomer ] Sorry, Mick!

Simpson!

- ♪♪ [ "She's So Cold" ] - Okay, strut, strut, strut,

strut, strut, spin and rooster.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

Look, everyone. Homer's got it.

♪ l'm so hot for me I'm so hot for me ♪

♪ l'm so cold ♪

Okay, now schoolmarm.

♪ l'm the burning fire I'm the bleeding volcano ♪

Everybody's naughty...

and... freeze finish!

♪♪ [ Ends ] [ Wiggum ] Ow.

And no matter where you are,

always say it's the wildest town in the whoIe damn worId.

So when you said it in Springfield last year, you didn't mean it?

Yeah, sure l did.

But only because Springfield really is...

the wildest town in the whole damn world.

Yes, l knew it! l knew it! Springfield!

♪♪ [ Strumming ]

Lyrics are the hardest part of songwriting.

But when you come up with something meaningful and heartfelt-

- Boring! - Will you stop saying that?

But rock stars are supposed to be about drinking and getting drunk and boozing it up.

And girls that have legs and know how to use them.

And why l can't drive 55!

You just want mindIess, generic rock?

PreciseIy!

Uh-

♪♪ [ Power Chord ]

♪ See that drunk girl speedin' down the street ♪

[ Cheering ]

♪ She's worried about the state of public schools ♪

[ AIl ] Boo!

♪ She likes to party She Iikes to rock ♪

[ Cheering ]

♪ She prays that our schools don't run out of chaIk ♪

- Boo! - ♪♪ [ Ends ]

Getting away from the gig...

can be a matter of life and death.

So you gotta be in great physicaI shape.

Okay, follow me.

[ Τape: Crowd Cheering ]

- Paparazzi to the left! - I got 'em!

[ Grunting ]

l'm entitled to a private life! I'm not a role modeI and so forth!

Good, Ηomer. Now, just pass the groupies and we're home.

[ Woman's Voice ] I love you. Please sleep with us!

[ Kissing, Moaning ]

- Τhey're bloody cardboard! - We know!

♪♪ [ Blues Rock ]

♪ You ain't never caught a rabbit ♪

♪ And you ain't no friend of mine ♪

♪♪ [ Ends ]

- [ Shouts ] - [ Screaming ]

Well? What do you think?

- Uh- You rock, Homer. - ReaIIy?

You really think I'm better than you?

Τhat was great, Homie.

What the hell are you doing here?

- Camp is over, Homer. - It's been a week already?

l'm glad you had fun, but it's time to come home.

Your mother's right, Homer.

Gotta get back to the real world.

Yeah, we've all gotta get home. My lawn's not gonna mow itseIf.

And I've gotta put up the storm windows. Winter's coming.

Wait! Don't go! I want to keep on rockin'!

Come on, guys. A'one, a'two-

l'll take that.

No! [ Sobbing ]

lt came with a pick.

[ Groans ]

[ Lisa Straining ] Come on, Dad.

No! No! I won't go! You can't make me!

- Dad, you knew this day was coming. - I knew nothing!

[ Groans ] Stop kicking me, Dad.

Never!

My dream has been shattered into shards of a broken dream.

l was so close to being a rock star,

but now there's a chance it might not happen.

l'll just have to settle for being a fat, baId, fat nothing.

FinaIly. Can we go now?

Now, before I lock the door, do you have to go to the bathroom?

No, l'm fine.

[ Exhales ] I'm so despondent.

Cheer up, Ηomer. It's onIy rock-and-rolI camp.

But l like it.

[ Sobbing ]

Τell you what. We're doing a benefit gig before we leave town.

How would you like to join us on stage?

[ Sniffles ]

- For serious? - For serious, Homer.

Can l have 40 guest passes?

Whoo-hoo!

Wow. "All access."

All access. [ Drooling ]

Good thing it's laminated. [ Laughs ]

[ Grunts ]

Sir, you can't-

All access! Sorry.

[ Gulping ]

♪♪ [ Ηumming ]

[ Women Screaming ]

[ Ηomer ] All access. [ Women Oohing ]

[ Woman #1 ] Ηow nice. [ Woman #2 ] You rock.

[ Chattering ]

Wow, Ηomer. l ain't had front row seats since my Moonie wedding!

And after the show, you can come backstage for pizza and pop.

Yes! All right!

Now that's a winning combination.

Ηere you go. Front and center.

l'm so proud of you, Homie.

lt's like you're Kid Rock...

and I'm Pamela Anderson Lee Rock.

[ Audience Cheering ]

Oop. Gotta run. Enjoy the show.

[ Τuning Up ]

[ Rag Squeaking ]

Okay. Let's see the eyes.

Now the fire.

[ Sizzling ]

Τhanks, mate.

CouIdn't you find a more fueI-efficient Satan?

Lenny, don't you have a crotch to stuff?

Evening, fellow rockers. There you are.

We thought we were going to have to go on without you.

l'm ready. Just give me a guitar.

Ηow many solos shouId I do? Four?

l'll do four.

Uh, Ηomer, you didn't think you were gonna be playing with-

[ Gasps ] My official tour jacket! Lookit.

Wait.

You misspelled "guitar hero."

Look, sorry if there's been a misunderstanding, Homer.

We really just need you to tap the mikes and say, "Test, test."

Can't you do it?

Oh. Okay.

So l'll, uh-

Okay.

[ Audience Cheering ]

Look, there's Dad!

Whoo-hoo! Yay, Homer!

l'm his groupie. [ Chuckles ]

Am l saying that right? "Groupie"?

[ All ] Yeah!

[ Woman ] Yeah, Homer!

[ Carl ] You're the man, Homer! You're the man!

[ Lenny ] Rock the house! Let's go, Homer!

[ Moe ] lt's go time. It's go time.

[ Microphone Feedback ] Test. Test.

Why is he performing the duties of a roadie?

Am l saying that right? "Roadie"?

[ Microphone Feedback ] Test, test. Check, check.

Hey, he's not rockin' out at all.

Τest. Τest.

♪ Τest You're testing my love for you ♪

♪ Check, check You're checking to see if I'm true ♪

[ Cheering ]

♪ Τest one, test two test three, test four ♪

♪ You test me like the water in EI SaIvador ♪

Whoo! iEl Salvador!

- What's all this then? - He's steaIing the show from us.

[ Jagger ] Not on my shift!

Let's rock and rolI!

[ Cheering ]

♪♪ [ Riff ]

♪ Baby, baby, baby baby, baby ♪

Uh-oh.

[ Screaming ]

Oh, no!

Oh, yeah. It's good to see the spectacIe back in rock.

No!

[ All Screaming ]

[ All Gasping ]

Did you know it was gonna turn into a riot, Dad? Oh, yeah.

When you've been in as many as l have, you can sense them coming.

Did they ever find Tom Petty's toe?

What am l, the Iost and found?

Τhere's no excuse for our horrible behavior tonight, Homer.

We acted like a bunch of angry young men.

Yeah. Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love.

l hope you won't judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions.

What we're trying to say, Homer, is we're sorry.

By the way, l don't suppose any of you have seen my, um-

- No. Sorry. - Oh.

Τhere's no need for apoIogies, guys.

You're rock stars.

You're supposed to be reckless and destructive...

and be celebrated for behavior that wouId land normaI people in jaiI.

Τhat's what I told them, Homer!

But just the same, we'd Iike to make it up to you.

We're doing a gig tomorrow to benefit the victims of tonight's gig,

and we'd consider it an honor if you'd join us.

You're very sweet, Mick, but...

the only rocking l want to do is in my Iiving room chair,

surrounded by the world's greatest backup group- my famiIy.

♪♪ [ Rock On Car Stereo ] ♪♪ [ Petty Singing ]

Are you sure you don't miss hanging out with your rock star friends, Dad?

Nah. l got something to remember 'em by.

[ Laughs ] Have fun at school, kids.

Later, Homer.

Mister Simpson, this zone is for school buses only.

[ Screams ] [ ChiIdren Laughing ]

Rock n' roll! Whoo-hoo!

[ Cheering ]

♪♪ [ Rock ] ♪ Mama says yes, Papa says no ♪

♪ Make up your mind 'cause l gotta go ♪

♪ I'm gonna raise hell at the union hall ♪

♪ Drive myself right over the wall ♪

♪ Rip this joint Gonna save your soul ♪

♪ Round and round and round we go ♪

♪ Roll this joint Gonna get down low ♪

♪ Start my starter Gonna stop the show ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪

And I've gotta put up the storm windows. Winter's coming.

Everybody's naughty...

and... freeze finish!

♪ She likes to party She Iikes to rock ♪

♪♪ [ Power Chord ] [ Homer ] Yeah!

But there's lots of other fun instruments, like bass.

l hope you won't judge the entire Brian Setzer Orchestra by my actions.

Rock and roll is supposed to be about peace and love.

- Who said that? - Will you stop saying that?

[ People Laughing ]

[ Jagger ] Simpson! Shh.

English - US - PSDΗ