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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:36,301 We are often told... 2 00:00:36,303 --> 00:00:41,772 that happily ever afters exist only in the pages of fairy tales... 3 00:00:41,774 --> 00:00:45,542 and in the naive minds of sheltered innocents. 4 00:00:45,544 --> 00:00:49,546 And yet, on this bright, sunny Boston afternoon, 5 00:00:49,548 --> 00:00:53,683 a talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend, 6 00:00:53,685 --> 00:00:55,818 proving two things: 7 00:00:55,820 --> 00:00:58,954 Happy endings can come true for anyone, 8 00:00:58,956 --> 00:01:02,257 and America doesn't give a shit about anything. 9 00:01:02,992 --> 00:01:04,993 Do you, Tami-Lynn McCafferty, 10 00:01:04,995 --> 00:01:09,030 take this teddy bear to be your lawfully wedded husband? 11 00:01:09,032 --> 00:01:10,965 I do. 12 00:01:10,967 --> 00:01:16,035 And do you, Ted, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? 13 00:01:16,037 --> 00:01:18,737 Fuckin'-A right, I do! 14 00:01:18,739 --> 00:01:22,373 Then, by the power vested in me, 15 00:01:22,375 --> 00:01:25,976 I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bear. 16 00:02:13,788 --> 00:02:16,356 Thank you, folks! 17 00:02:16,358 --> 00:02:20,759 We're gonna take a short break and pass things over to DJ Nightshade. 18 00:02:25,065 --> 00:02:27,665 Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds! 19 00:02:35,373 --> 00:02:38,441 Teddy, this is the best day of my life. 20 00:02:38,443 --> 00:02:40,509 I just love you so much. 21 00:02:40,511 --> 00:02:42,577 I love you too, baby. 22 00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:45,079 I'm gonna go 50 shades of bear on you tonight. 23 00:02:45,081 --> 00:02:48,348 - Let's go get shit-faced. - Okay. 24 00:02:48,350 --> 00:02:50,750 Celebrate good times Come on Thank you. 25 00:02:51,651 --> 00:02:53,918 Let's celebrate 26 00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:55,920 There's a party goin' on right here 27 00:02:55,922 --> 00:02:58,822 - Hey, congrats, you mofos. - Oh. Hey, Guy. 28 00:02:58,824 --> 00:03:02,725 - Beautiful ceremony. - Oh, thank you so much for being a part of it. 29 00:03:02,727 --> 00:03:04,760 Hey, this is my new boyfriend, Rick. 30 00:03:04,762 --> 00:03:06,895 - How you doing? - Good, good. 31 00:03:06,897 --> 00:03:10,798 He's a gourmet chef, so he knows how to toss a salad. 32 00:03:15,503 --> 00:03:17,804 Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot. 33 00:03:17,806 --> 00:03:19,806 Oh, you guys are getting married? 34 00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,941 No, we're just gonna go home and tie our dicks together. 35 00:03:21,943 --> 00:03:23,475 Fuck you. Fuck you. 36 00:03:23,477 --> 00:03:25,076 Deal. 37 00:03:25,078 --> 00:03:27,411 It's electric 38 00:03:27,413 --> 00:03:30,414 No! No! I said no Electric Slide! 39 00:03:31,816 --> 00:03:33,917 Goddamn it, you will not wreck this night... 40 00:03:33,919 --> 00:03:36,019 with your forced white people group fun! 41 00:03:36,021 --> 00:03:37,653 It's electric 42 00:03:37,655 --> 00:03:39,888 Do you remember 43 00:03:39,890 --> 00:03:42,457 The 21st of September? 44 00:03:43,792 --> 00:03:46,527 Love was changin' the minds of pretenders 45 00:03:46,529 --> 00:03:49,897 Hey, buddy. You okay there? You look a little down. 46 00:03:49,899 --> 00:03:52,733 Are you still shaking off that hangover from the bachelor party? 47 00:03:52,735 --> 00:03:54,835 Oh! That's nice. 48 00:03:54,837 --> 00:03:56,970 Oh, my God. She's fucking begging for it! 49 00:03:56,972 --> 00:03:59,672 She's totally begging. Get it. Get in there. 50 00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:02,007 Look at her. She wants it bad! 51 00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:05,810 Oh, yeah. She wants more than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh? 52 00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:08,612 That's bigger than the average bear right there, I'll tell you. 53 00:04:08,614 --> 00:04:10,080 You know what's fucked up? 54 00:04:10,082 --> 00:04:11,881 Dude, that's somebody's fucking daughter! 55 00:04:11,883 --> 00:04:14,016 Shit! Jesus! Come on! 56 00:04:14,018 --> 00:04:16,651 You know what, Johnny? It's entirely possible it's his daughter. 57 00:04:16,653 --> 00:04:18,419 That's how it works out there. 58 00:04:18,421 --> 00:04:22,922 I'm fine. I was... thinking about Lori. 59 00:04:22,924 --> 00:04:25,424 Oh, Johnny, come on, man. 60 00:04:25,426 --> 00:04:27,726 It's been six months since you guys got divorced. 61 00:04:27,728 --> 00:04:30,195 I know, I know. It's just that... 62 00:04:30,197 --> 00:04:32,864 Being back in that church again? 63 00:04:32,866 --> 00:04:34,932 I mean, everything seemed like it was gonna be so perfect. 64 00:04:34,934 --> 00:04:38,101 Yeah. You're not the first guy to marry the wrong girl. 65 00:04:38,103 --> 00:04:41,537 Hey, listen, don't let her drag you down tonight. Okay? This is a party. 66 00:04:41,539 --> 00:04:43,705 I'm sorry, buddy. I don't mean to mess up your big day. 67 00:04:43,707 --> 00:04:45,940 What? You kiddin'? You're not the one messing it up. 68 00:04:45,942 --> 00:04:48,809 Check out Tami-Lynn's asshole brother in the wheelchair. 69 00:04:48,811 --> 00:04:52,012 If you don't dance with me, you're a monster! 70 00:04:52,014 --> 00:04:54,514 Watch it, you fuckin' tool! 71 00:04:54,516 --> 00:04:57,583 Hey, hey! Big day, huh, bud? 72 00:04:57,585 --> 00:05:01,453 You guys wanna celebrate with a little something else, hmm? 73 00:05:01,455 --> 00:05:03,221 Oh. No, thanks, Sam. 74 00:05:03,223 --> 00:05:05,523 Tami-Lynn would kill me if I did drugs on our wedding day. 75 00:05:05,525 --> 00:05:07,558 Aw, she won't notice. 76 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:09,760 I just did a line with a dude in the men's room, 77 00:05:09,762 --> 00:05:12,043 and I bet you can't even spot him. 78 00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:20,936 Yeah, I'm gonna pass. 79 00:05:23,072 --> 00:05:25,706 Hey, hey, what do you say we do the thing, huh? That'll cheer you up. 80 00:05:25,708 --> 00:05:28,588 Fuck it. Let's do it. There he is! 81 00:05:31,746 --> 00:05:34,514 Attention, everyone. May I have your attention, please? 82 00:05:34,516 --> 00:05:37,950 Johnny and I have prepared something very special for you here. 83 00:05:37,952 --> 00:05:41,687 Let's have it, fellas. 84 00:05:41,689 --> 00:05:45,557 When you hear the sound of thunder don't you get too scared 85 00:05:45,559 --> 00:05:47,525 Just grab your thunder buddy 86 00:05:47,527 --> 00:05:49,727 And say these magic words 87 00:05:49,729 --> 00:05:52,496 Oh, fuck you, thunder 88 00:05:52,498 --> 00:05:54,764 You can suck my dick 89 00:05:54,766 --> 00:05:56,632 You can't get me, thunder 90 00:05:56,634 --> 00:05:58,834 'Cause you're just God's farts 91 00:05:58,836 --> 00:06:01,870 Yeah! 92 00:06:05,841 --> 00:06:08,709 I'm steppin' out with my honey 93 00:06:08,711 --> 00:06:10,811 Can't be bad to feel so good 94 00:06:10,813 --> 00:06:13,079 Never felt quite so sunny 95 00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,281 So I keep on knockin' wood 96 00:06:15,283 --> 00:06:17,750 Yeah, steppin' out with my baby 97 00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:20,052 Can't go wrong 'cause I'm in right 98 00:06:20,054 --> 00:06:22,854 Ask me when will the day be 99 00:06:22,856 --> 00:06:26,224 The big day may be tonight 100 00:06:26,226 --> 00:06:28,593 This is the best day of my life! 101 00:09:18,962 --> 00:09:24,799 I'm curing cancer. I'm cooking your fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing? 102 00:09:24,801 --> 00:09:27,802 What do I think you do? You're bleeding us dry is what I think you're doing. 103 00:09:27,804 --> 00:09:31,806 Look at this. $129 at Filene's Basement. 104 00:09:31,808 --> 00:09:33,307 What are you buyin' over there, Tami? Gold bars? 105 00:09:33,309 --> 00:09:35,075 I need clothes for work. All right, Teddy? 106 00:09:35,077 --> 00:09:37,744 What do you mean? You wear a smock. You're a fucking cashier. 107 00:09:37,746 --> 00:09:39,812 Yeah, so are you. Yeah, exactly! 108 00:09:39,814 --> 00:09:41,780 And I'm not going out and buying designer shit! 109 00:09:41,782 --> 00:09:44,082 No, no, no, no, no! You're just buying weed. 110 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:46,317 You're just buying drugs. You should fucking talk! 111 00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:49,386 I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me. 112 00:09:49,388 --> 00:09:52,088 I have to interrupt you or else I never get to fucking say anything! 113 00:09:52,090 --> 00:09:55,057 Are you gonna let me finish talking? You're always cutting me off! 114 00:09:55,059 --> 00:09:57,759 Are you gonna let me finish talking? Are you gonna let me finish... 115 00:09:57,761 --> 00:09:59,727 I am trying to climb the corporate fence here! 116 00:09:59,729 --> 00:10:01,295 Nobody's in there to look at your ass! 117 00:10:01,297 --> 00:10:02,829 You're acting like an asshole! 118 00:10:02,831 --> 00:10:05,832 What am I actin' like, Tami? What am I actin' like? 119 00:10:05,834 --> 00:10:07,800 Like an asshole! 120 00:10:07,802 --> 00:10:10,302 You don't got to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag! 121 00:10:10,304 --> 00:10:13,071 I am the face of the business, okay? 122 00:10:13,073 --> 00:10:15,973 The face of the business? Jesus Christ! 123 00:10:15,975 --> 00:10:17,507 Listen to you! You're delusional! 124 00:10:17,509 --> 00:10:19,442 I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've. 125 00:10:19,444 --> 00:10:22,411 Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole! He treated me good. 126 00:10:22,413 --> 00:10:24,379 And... He had a dick! 127 00:10:24,381 --> 00:10:26,114 He had an awesome dick! 128 00:10:26,116 --> 00:10:29,383 News flash! Boston whore has seen Italian penis. 129 00:10:29,385 --> 00:10:31,952 What the fuck did you just call me, fucker? 130 00:10:31,954 --> 00:10:34,287 - What did you fucking say? - What the fuck? 131 00:10:34,289 --> 00:10:37,156 You wanna call me a whore? 132 00:10:37,158 --> 00:10:39,224 - You wanna throw shit? - Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit! 133 00:10:39,226 --> 00:10:41,426 I'll fucking throw shit! There, see? 134 00:10:41,428 --> 00:10:43,895 - How do you like that? - Oh, I'm scared, Teddy! 135 00:10:43,897 --> 00:10:46,264 I'm really fucking scared of you, you little fucking bear! 136 00:10:46,266 --> 00:10:49,166 Shut the fuck up! For Christ's sake! 137 00:10:49,168 --> 00:10:51,034 Hey, you shut the fuck up! 138 00:10:51,036 --> 00:10:52,935 Come down and make me, tough guy. 139 00:10:52,937 --> 00:10:55,270 Why don't you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy? 140 00:10:55,272 --> 00:10:57,772 I am gonna come up there, and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass! 141 00:10:57,774 --> 00:11:00,775 Try it, asshole. Get your ass up here and kick my ass! 142 00:11:00,777 --> 00:11:05,812 Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch! 143 00:11:09,984 --> 00:11:12,150 Shut the fuck up! 144 00:11:12,152 --> 00:11:14,085 - Hey, I'm really sorry! - Yeah, me, too. 145 00:11:14,087 --> 00:11:16,954 - She's worse than us. - She's our enemy now. 146 00:11:23,927 --> 00:11:26,895 Have you guys at least tried marriage therapy? 147 00:11:26,897 --> 00:11:28,930 Oh, God, yeah. It was a frigging disaster. 148 00:11:28,932 --> 00:11:31,265 $250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing. 149 00:11:31,467 --> 00:11:33,533 250? Dude, that's ridiculous! 150 00:11:33,535 --> 00:11:35,234 Doesn't your insurance cover that or something? 151 00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:38,270 Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for Obamacare on the Internet, 152 00:11:38,272 --> 00:11:41,072 but I came back five minutes later, she was looking at black cocks. 153 00:11:41,074 --> 00:11:44,175 It seems like every time you go online, you're two clicks away from black cocks. 154 00:11:44,177 --> 00:11:48,445 Look. See? I'll Google "Grand Canyon." 155 00:11:48,447 --> 00:11:51,481 Here. Look, it says, "Did you mean black cocks?" 156 00:11:51,483 --> 00:11:54,550 I don't know, man. I got to do something or my marriage is gonna collapse. 157 00:11:54,552 --> 00:11:57,653 Here you go, guys. We're gonna be closing in a few, 158 00:11:57,655 --> 00:12:01,490 but I'm going to this after-hours thing at my friend's apartment, if you wanna join. 159 00:12:01,492 --> 00:12:04,459 Oh, thanks, Allison. But I got an early day tomorrow. 160 00:12:04,461 --> 00:12:05,760 Oh. Okay. 161 00:12:05,762 --> 00:12:09,530 Well, if you change your mind, here's the address. 162 00:12:12,367 --> 00:12:14,648 I put my cell number on there too. 163 00:12:16,270 --> 00:12:19,038 Oh, my God. Are you fucking kidding me? 164 00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:21,507 - What? - What do you mean, "what?" After hours? 165 00:12:21,509 --> 00:12:23,141 Jesus, Johnny. She totally wants to sleep with you. 166 00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:25,143 I'm not into it. 167 00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:27,111 John, you've been saying that for a year and a half... 168 00:12:27,113 --> 00:12:28,679 about every chick that throws herself at you. 169 00:12:28,681 --> 00:12:32,149 Get back in the game, man! Don't start this shit. 170 00:12:32,151 --> 00:12:35,051 Look, I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl, and I got burned. 171 00:12:35,053 --> 00:12:36,685 I'm not gonna make that same mistake again. 172 00:12:36,687 --> 00:12:39,054 Jesus, Johnny. You don't got to marry Allison. 173 00:12:39,056 --> 00:12:41,756 You just got to bang her and maybe pee on her a little. What? 174 00:12:41,758 --> 00:12:45,226 It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover. 175 00:12:45,228 --> 00:12:46,908 Yeah, I got to take a leak. 176 00:12:48,730 --> 00:12:50,831 Sorry, Allison. I tried. 177 00:12:50,833 --> 00:12:52,566 It's okay. 178 00:12:52,568 --> 00:12:54,634 I just wish he wasn't so goddamn cute. 179 00:12:54,636 --> 00:12:58,104 Yeah. Hey, can I get a Jack Daniel's with just a splash of Grey Goose? 180 00:12:58,106 --> 00:13:00,272 Wish I could help you, but we're closing. 181 00:13:00,274 --> 00:13:02,307 Oh, come on. I been coming here since the '90s. 182 00:13:02,309 --> 00:13:04,375 Sorry, buddy. No can do. 183 00:13:04,377 --> 00:13:06,510 Come on. One drink, and I promise I won't tell anybody... 184 00:13:06,512 --> 00:13:09,112 that Jay Leno comes in here for gay bathroom sex. 185 00:13:09,114 --> 00:13:10,580 Hey, what the fuck are you doing? 186 00:13:10,582 --> 00:13:13,849 - Get off of me! - Sorry. My mistake. 187 00:13:20,188 --> 00:13:22,088 There we go. 188 00:13:22,090 --> 00:13:24,190 Thanks a lot. Come again. 189 00:13:29,862 --> 00:13:32,730 - Hey. - Hello. 190 00:13:32,732 --> 00:13:37,101 I'd like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal. 191 00:13:37,103 --> 00:13:39,336 Uh, yeah, yeah. Box of Trix. 192 00:13:39,338 --> 00:13:41,204 That's right. 193 00:13:41,206 --> 00:13:45,341 I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. 194 00:13:45,343 --> 00:13:47,242 Is that correct? 195 00:13:47,244 --> 00:13:50,311 I mean, they say, "Trix are for kids" in the commercials. 196 00:13:50,313 --> 00:13:52,346 Uh-huh, uh-huh. 197 00:13:52,348 --> 00:13:54,514 And is that enforced by law? 198 00:13:54,516 --> 00:13:57,216 Not to my knowledge, no. 199 00:13:57,218 --> 00:14:01,687 So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble? 200 00:14:01,689 --> 00:14:04,189 No. No, you should be fine. 201 00:14:04,191 --> 00:14:07,425 You do understand that I myself am not a child? 202 00:14:07,427 --> 00:14:09,727 I-I was able to sniff that out, yeah. 203 00:14:12,197 --> 00:14:14,198 Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment. 204 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,700 Yeah, yeah. You'll be okay. 205 00:14:16,702 --> 00:14:19,836 And, uh, I won't be followed? 206 00:14:19,838 --> 00:14:22,904 Uh, no, that's not in our budget here. 207 00:14:26,308 --> 00:14:28,142 Hey. 208 00:14:28,144 --> 00:14:30,511 I won't forget what you've done for me here today. 209 00:14:30,513 --> 00:14:32,346 I would prefer that you do. 210 00:14:38,319 --> 00:14:40,820 Jesus Christ. 211 00:14:49,829 --> 00:14:52,329 You two still not talking? 212 00:14:52,331 --> 00:14:55,732 No. Honest to God, Joy, I don't know how to fix this. 213 00:14:55,734 --> 00:14:58,601 How the hell do you take a broken marriage and make it work again? 214 00:14:58,603 --> 00:15:01,904 Well, I'll tell you one way. You have yourselves a baby. 215 00:15:01,906 --> 00:15:04,907 - A baby? - Uh-huh. Look at that. 216 00:15:04,909 --> 00:15:06,642 You see them two white niggas over there? 217 00:15:06,644 --> 00:15:08,844 Yeah. What? 218 00:15:08,846 --> 00:15:10,679 Look at 'em. They're so happy. 219 00:15:10,681 --> 00:15:13,415 Because they got that little baby keeping them together. 220 00:15:13,417 --> 00:15:15,583 If they didn't have that baby, 221 00:15:15,585 --> 00:15:19,320 they'd just be two sad-ass white niggas waiting for "Downtown" Abbey to come on. 222 00:15:19,322 --> 00:15:21,922 Wow, you said it twice. Is that an actual phrase? 223 00:15:21,924 --> 00:15:25,191 I'm telling you, Ted. Y'all better have a baby or your marriage is over. 224 00:15:25,193 --> 00:15:26,625 Trust. 225 00:15:35,733 --> 00:15:39,936 - Uh, hey. - Go away, Teddy. 226 00:15:39,938 --> 00:15:42,338 Tami, listen. I just wanna talk to you. 227 00:15:42,340 --> 00:15:43,939 Will you just listen to me for one second? 228 00:15:43,941 --> 00:15:45,974 Why? So you can give me shit about my clothes? 229 00:15:45,976 --> 00:15:49,210 No! Look, I'm sorry about that, okay? I'm sorry. 230 00:15:49,212 --> 00:15:52,346 - I was an asshole, and I didn't mean it. - You know, whatever, Teddy. 231 00:15:52,348 --> 00:15:55,515 Tami, listen. I love you. 232 00:15:55,517 --> 00:15:59,318 Okay? And I don't want us to fight like we've been doing the past few months. 233 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:02,287 I don't know, Teddy. Something's got to change, you know? 234 00:16:02,289 --> 00:16:05,723 Because I can't do this no more. It's too much. 235 00:16:05,725 --> 00:16:07,424 I know, I know, I know. 236 00:16:07,426 --> 00:16:11,560 And that's why... I wanna have a baby. 237 00:16:13,329 --> 00:16:14,429 You do? 238 00:16:14,431 --> 00:16:15,630 Yeah. 239 00:16:15,632 --> 00:16:18,366 A baby? Like, really? 240 00:16:18,368 --> 00:16:21,802 Yeah. See, I think, if we got a kid to love... 241 00:16:21,804 --> 00:16:23,770 it'll teach us how to love each other again. 242 00:16:23,772 --> 00:16:25,905 Oh, my God, Teddy. 243 00:16:25,907 --> 00:16:27,940 You better not be messing with me. 244 00:16:27,942 --> 00:16:29,574 I swear to God, not messing with you. 245 00:16:29,576 --> 00:16:31,275 I think you'd make an awesome mom. 246 00:16:31,277 --> 00:16:32,809 Oh, my God! Are you kidding me? 247 00:16:32,811 --> 00:16:34,877 I would, like, kick so much ass at mommin'. 248 00:16:34,879 --> 00:16:36,411 What do you say? We all good? 249 00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:39,280 Yes! Oh, I love you! I love you so much! 250 00:16:39,282 --> 00:16:41,849 Baby, I love you too! 251 00:16:41,851 --> 00:16:43,771 Let's make a baby! Let's make a baby! 252 00:17:03,467 --> 00:17:06,869 Lemme know when you're ready to go, and I'll stick a bottle of Newman's Own in ya. 253 00:17:06,871 --> 00:17:09,705 All the profits go to charity. 254 00:17:09,707 --> 00:17:13,308 You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat... 255 00:17:13,310 --> 00:17:15,410 that we're supposed to sell to the public... 256 00:17:15,412 --> 00:17:17,712 for their Fourth of July barbecues. 257 00:17:17,714 --> 00:17:19,814 I fucked her with a pack of Freedent. 258 00:17:19,816 --> 00:17:23,417 Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it. 259 00:17:23,419 --> 00:17:25,452 That took guts. 260 00:17:25,454 --> 00:17:27,854 We need guts. 261 00:17:27,856 --> 00:17:30,456 I'm naming the store after you. 262 00:17:37,564 --> 00:17:39,997 Okay, you ready? Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 263 00:17:39,999 --> 00:17:42,332 Here it comes. Okay, okay. I'm ready. 264 00:17:42,334 --> 00:17:43,700 Bum, bum 265 00:17:43,702 --> 00:17:46,002 Let's all go to court 266 00:17:46,004 --> 00:17:50,539 Bum, bum Let's go make some law now 267 00:17:50,541 --> 00:17:52,407 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah 268 00:17:52,409 --> 00:17:54,809 Some law Now 269 00:17:54,811 --> 00:17:57,411 - I say we go to court! - Yes, let's go to court! 270 00:17:57,413 --> 00:18:00,680 We're a bunch of assholes who take up a whole hallway with our conversation. 271 00:18:02,049 --> 00:18:04,650 Hey, you lawyer guys 272 00:18:04,652 --> 00:18:08,387 You don't know me and Johnny are watching you 273 00:18:08,389 --> 00:18:11,957 While we're high 274 00:18:11,959 --> 00:18:14,592 That was fucking magic. That felt smooth. 275 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:17,461 That felt really smooth. So in the pocket. 276 00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:22,666 Hey, so listen, I got some big news to tell you. Yeah? What's that? 277 00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:25,902 Tami-Lynn and I are gonna have a baby. 278 00:18:27,905 --> 00:18:29,705 Holy shit! You? 279 00:18:29,707 --> 00:18:31,573 Yeah, yeah. We talked about it today. 280 00:18:31,575 --> 00:18:33,575 Dude, that's fucking awesome! Congratulations! 281 00:18:33,577 --> 00:18:36,444 Thank you! Wait, wait, wait. How do you guys... 282 00:18:36,446 --> 00:18:40,448 Well, uh, that's the thing. We got to find a sperm donor. 283 00:18:40,450 --> 00:18:45,119 And, I'm wondering, what do you think Sam Jones would say if I asked him? 284 00:18:45,121 --> 00:18:47,688 You want Flash Gordon to father your child? 285 00:18:47,690 --> 00:18:49,389 Yeah. You think... Would that be weird? 286 00:18:49,391 --> 00:18:52,392 Would he be freaked out if I... No, I think he'd be flattered! 287 00:18:52,394 --> 00:18:54,794 And plus, your baby will be a fucking superhero! 288 00:18:54,796 --> 00:18:56,862 That was the logic I arrived at as well. 289 00:18:56,864 --> 00:18:59,064 Yeah, I say do it! All right. Great. 290 00:18:59,066 --> 00:19:01,366 I'll shoot him an e-mail and see if I can stop by. 291 00:19:01,368 --> 00:19:02,767 You come with me? Sure. 292 00:19:02,769 --> 00:19:04,702 All right, great. 293 00:19:06,705 --> 00:19:09,039 Shit. I can never get a signal in your apartment. 294 00:19:09,041 --> 00:19:11,141 Hey, can I use your laptop? Yeah, go ahead. 295 00:19:11,143 --> 00:19:13,376 Okay, thanks. 296 00:19:17,147 --> 00:19:19,648 What the fuck? Holy shit! Dude, what's the matter? 297 00:19:19,650 --> 00:19:21,650 What happened? What's going on? 298 00:19:21,652 --> 00:19:23,852 There's so much porn! 299 00:19:23,854 --> 00:19:25,887 What the hell are you doing looking at my private shit? 300 00:19:25,889 --> 00:19:30,591 Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here! 301 00:19:30,593 --> 00:19:32,559 I've been meaning to clear some of that out. 302 00:19:32,561 --> 00:19:34,761 Jesus Chri... Look at the organization here! 303 00:19:34,763 --> 00:19:37,697 "Clockwise rim job." "Counterclockwise rim job." 304 00:19:37,699 --> 00:19:39,899 Yeah, sometimes you like seeing the tongue go the other way! 305 00:19:39,901 --> 00:19:43,035 You sick bastard! Look at this! Chicks with dicks? 306 00:19:43,037 --> 00:19:46,972 Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right? I need help! 307 00:19:46,974 --> 00:19:49,541 There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits! 308 00:19:49,543 --> 00:19:51,609 This is such a relief! I'm glad I'm finally caught. 309 00:19:51,611 --> 00:19:53,410 I wanted to be caught! 310 00:19:53,412 --> 00:19:55,812 Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call. 311 00:19:55,814 --> 00:19:57,947 You got to get back out there and meet somebody... 312 00:19:57,949 --> 00:20:00,015 because you are spiraling out of control here. 313 00:20:00,017 --> 00:20:02,784 All right, fine, I will. Just stop looking at that shit, please! 314 00:20:02,786 --> 00:20:05,887 Johnny, I mean it. The next chick you meet, you are getting back in the game. 315 00:20:05,889 --> 00:20:08,422 - Fine, I got it. Done. - All right. 316 00:20:08,424 --> 00:20:10,891 - Let's get rid of this. - What do you mean? We'll just delete the files! 317 00:20:10,893 --> 00:20:12,826 No, no, no. That shit can always be recovered. 318 00:20:12,828 --> 00:20:15,868 We got to smash your laptop with a hammer. 319 00:20:21,133 --> 00:20:22,833 - There. You happy? - No. 320 00:20:22,835 --> 00:20:24,801 The circuits could still be reconstructed. 321 00:20:24,803 --> 00:20:27,003 We got to bury it in the harbor. 322 00:20:43,553 --> 00:20:46,888 Okay, we'll come back once every three months, take a dive and check on it. 323 00:20:47,990 --> 00:20:50,624 So, uh, basically, that's it. 324 00:20:50,626 --> 00:20:53,159 We need a sperm donor. So what do you say? 325 00:20:53,161 --> 00:20:55,060 You'd really be helping me and Tami out. 326 00:20:55,062 --> 00:20:56,661 No can do, my brother. 327 00:20:56,663 --> 00:20:58,796 Well, why not? 328 00:20:58,798 --> 00:21:00,931 Look, I did a lot of blow in the '80s, 329 00:21:00,933 --> 00:21:04,567 and my sperm count's a little low. 330 00:21:04,569 --> 00:21:05,734 How low? 331 00:21:06,802 --> 00:21:08,803 - One. - One? 332 00:21:08,805 --> 00:21:12,773 Yeah, little fella's having his own I Am Legend in my nut sack. 333 00:21:12,775 --> 00:21:14,608 Well, can we have that one? 334 00:21:14,610 --> 00:21:18,078 No! Gonna need it for protein if I ever get lost at sea. 335 00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:20,580 Come on, guys. I mean, are we done here? I got to go. 336 00:21:20,582 --> 00:21:23,716 That Sister, Sister marathon ain't gonna watch itself. 337 00:21:23,718 --> 00:21:26,852 Can't believe it. That son of a bitch. 338 00:21:26,854 --> 00:21:28,820 That was really selfish of him. I know. 339 00:21:28,822 --> 00:21:31,522 And after I watched his piece-of-shit movie, like, a hundred times. 340 00:21:31,524 --> 00:21:33,023 Goddamn it! 341 00:21:33,025 --> 00:21:36,760 Oh, shit! 342 00:21:40,898 --> 00:21:43,699 Johnny, please, just help me do this. Okay? 343 00:21:43,701 --> 00:21:46,535 He's the only guy in the world whose sperm is even close to Flash Gordon's. 344 00:21:46,537 --> 00:21:48,570 Ted, it's insane. We could get in a lot of trouble. 345 00:21:48,572 --> 00:21:50,104 But not if nobody finds out. 346 00:21:50,106 --> 00:21:52,206 Look, look, John, John. We sneak into his house, 347 00:21:52,208 --> 00:21:54,641 jerk him off in his sleep and sneak out with the sperm. 348 00:21:54,643 --> 00:21:57,710 It'll be easy. And think how awesome the baby will be. 349 00:21:57,712 --> 00:21:59,878 Would be a sweet-ass fucking baby. 350 00:22:01,213 --> 00:22:03,781 I'll help you. But we got to have a game plan. 351 00:22:14,091 --> 00:22:17,726 Just calm down. 352 00:22:19,662 --> 00:22:20,662 Yeah, can I help you? 353 00:22:21,830 --> 00:22:24,965 Hey! Are you "Tom Brady"? 354 00:22:24,967 --> 00:22:26,099 Yeah. 355 00:22:26,101 --> 00:22:29,068 Hey. Your neighbors called, 356 00:22:29,070 --> 00:22:30,702 and your air conditioner's making a loud noise... 357 00:22:30,704 --> 00:22:32,570 so I'm supposed to check out the unit. 358 00:22:32,572 --> 00:22:34,672 - Okay. Yeah, it's around back. - Okay. 359 00:22:34,674 --> 00:22:37,941 I just may need a signature in case I got to get some parts, for the billing. 360 00:22:37,943 --> 00:22:42,812 You could just write that to John and Ted. Put number 12. 361 00:22:42,814 --> 00:22:45,648 And you're not a cheater. I think your balls are perfect. 362 00:22:45,650 --> 00:22:47,549 - It's around back. - All right. Yeah. 363 00:22:56,058 --> 00:22:57,758 Okay. 364 00:23:09,203 --> 00:23:12,572 Stupid idiot. 365 00:23:19,245 --> 00:23:21,165 Okay. Go, go, go! 366 00:23:36,995 --> 00:23:39,028 Take the damn raincoat off. It's making too much noise. 367 00:23:39,030 --> 00:23:41,150 Piss off! I don't wanna get any jizz on me. 368 00:23:51,875 --> 00:23:55,210 Two league MVPs, four Super Bowl rings, 369 00:23:55,212 --> 00:23:58,146 guaranteed first ballot hall-of-famer. 370 00:23:58,148 --> 00:24:01,015 Now let's give him a hand job into this red Solo cup. 371 00:24:01,017 --> 00:24:02,683 All right. Go ahead. 372 00:24:02,685 --> 00:24:04,751 What do you mean, go ahead? You do it. 373 00:24:04,753 --> 00:24:07,754 What are you talking about? You're the one who needs the sperm. 374 00:24:07,756 --> 00:24:10,790 But it's got to be a human hand. It's got to be skin on skin, otherwise it doesn't work. 375 00:24:10,792 --> 00:24:12,291 No, it doesn't. It's just friction. 376 00:24:12,293 --> 00:24:14,259 I've never done this before. Neither have I. 377 00:24:14,261 --> 00:24:16,194 You do it to yourself. Yeah, but that's different. 378 00:24:16,196 --> 00:24:18,963 You're an adult with a poster of this guy in your fucking room. 379 00:24:18,965 --> 00:24:20,898 You're tellin' me you don't want this? 380 00:24:20,900 --> 00:24:23,333 Yeah, I want it. You know I want it, but I'm nervous. 381 00:24:23,335 --> 00:24:25,401 What if he doesn't like the way I do it? 382 00:24:25,403 --> 00:24:28,971 Pull yourself together, for God's sakes. He's gonna love it. Go, go, go. 383 00:24:28,973 --> 00:24:30,839 All right. 384 00:24:32,808 --> 00:24:37,144 Sweet God and baby Jesus. 385 00:24:37,146 --> 00:24:38,845 And that's at rest. 386 00:24:39,313 --> 00:24:41,080 What the hell? 387 00:24:41,082 --> 00:24:42,781 Mr. Brady, we need a moment of your time. 388 00:24:42,783 --> 00:24:45,983 What are you doing here? Who are you? Get out of my house! 389 00:24:47,285 --> 00:24:50,987 - Oh, God! - Wait, Mr. Brady! 390 00:24:50,989 --> 00:24:54,357 Take your goddamn teddy bear with you! 391 00:24:54,359 --> 00:24:56,926 Holy shit! Perfect spiral! 392 00:24:56,928 --> 00:24:58,861 Come on. Let's get out of here. 393 00:25:07,170 --> 00:25:09,704 Shit! What the hell do we do now? 394 00:25:11,873 --> 00:25:13,273 Hey, Ted, let me ask you something. 395 00:25:13,275 --> 00:25:14,841 What's that? 396 00:25:14,843 --> 00:25:16,709 Why didn't you just come to me? 397 00:25:16,711 --> 00:25:19,812 What are you talking about? For the sperm. 398 00:25:19,814 --> 00:25:22,915 Johnny, you kidding me, man? 399 00:25:22,917 --> 00:25:25,083 You were the first person I wanted to go to. 400 00:25:25,085 --> 00:25:28,186 But you've just been so bummed out over your divorce lately... 401 00:25:28,188 --> 00:25:32,256 that I didn't want to put you in an awkward position. 402 00:25:32,258 --> 00:25:35,158 And plus, after seeing your laptop, I didn't think you had any left. 403 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:37,793 Just so you know, I'm totally willing to do it. 404 00:25:38,394 --> 00:25:39,761 Really? 405 00:25:39,763 --> 00:25:41,929 You'd do that for me? 406 00:25:41,931 --> 00:25:44,364 What? Ted, you're my best friend. I'd do anything for you. 407 00:25:44,366 --> 00:25:48,801 Besides, we just broke into Tom Brady's house and tried to jerk him off. 408 00:25:48,803 --> 00:25:50,269 You're ready to be a parent. 409 00:25:50,271 --> 00:25:53,805 God, I don't know what to say. 410 00:25:54,940 --> 00:25:57,808 Johnny, thank you. Thank you so much! 411 00:25:57,810 --> 00:26:00,710 Hey, thunder buddies for life, remember? 412 00:26:00,712 --> 00:26:02,978 Thunder buddies for life. 413 00:26:02,980 --> 00:26:05,914 Come on. We got to get out of here before the cops show up. 414 00:26:05,916 --> 00:26:08,716 All units, we have a 317 on Maple Drive. 415 00:26:08,718 --> 00:26:10,384 Area units, please respond. 416 00:26:10,386 --> 00:26:14,821 What's a 317? Someone's trying to steal Tom Brady's jizz again. 417 00:26:14,823 --> 00:26:16,389 Really? 418 00:26:16,391 --> 00:26:18,891 Welcome to Boston, kid. 419 00:26:31,203 --> 00:26:33,270 What is that? What? 420 00:26:33,272 --> 00:26:35,105 What are you doing? I'm getting ready, dude. 421 00:26:35,107 --> 00:26:37,340 What do you mean? What are you doing to your hand? 422 00:26:37,342 --> 00:26:39,942 I'm doing this for you. I'm getting ready. I got to go in and perform. 423 00:26:39,944 --> 00:26:41,843 You got your hand on your dick. 424 00:26:41,845 --> 00:26:44,245 I'm trying to get it half hard, so I could just bust it out. 425 00:26:44,247 --> 00:26:46,413 Sitting out here in public, jerking off? 426 00:26:46,415 --> 00:26:48,214 Where do you think you are? Red Lobster? 427 00:26:48,216 --> 00:26:50,349 What do you think I got to do in there? Forget it. 428 00:26:50,351 --> 00:26:53,085 But, now, look, you haven't smoked pot for two whole days, right? 429 00:26:53,087 --> 00:26:55,921 Yes, I told you. I'm clean, all right? Your baby's gonna be fine. 430 00:26:55,923 --> 00:27:00,025 I'm sorry. I just don't want something I got to feed with a pitchfork when he's 16. 431 00:27:00,027 --> 00:27:02,527 - "John Bennett." - Hi. 432 00:27:02,529 --> 00:27:05,369 Right this way. I'll show you where to deposit your specimen. 433 00:27:05,897 --> 00:27:07,430 Hey, Johnny. Johnny. 434 00:27:17,506 --> 00:27:19,440 I'm John Bennett. 435 00:27:19,442 --> 00:27:21,508 I know. I just said your name. 436 00:27:21,510 --> 00:27:24,310 Oh, right. Yeah. Sorry. I'm just a little nervous. 437 00:27:24,312 --> 00:27:26,545 I've been out of the game for a while. 438 00:27:26,547 --> 00:27:30,215 The game? I don't talk to pretty girls that often. 439 00:27:30,217 --> 00:27:32,150 Pretty women, ladies. 440 00:27:32,152 --> 00:27:34,085 I see. 441 00:27:34,087 --> 00:27:36,407 Hey, when I'm done here, how about a drink? 442 00:27:36,888 --> 00:27:39,456 I didn't... I don't... I don't mean this. 443 00:27:39,458 --> 00:27:42,992 - I meant, like, a regular drink. - I have a boyfriend. 444 00:27:42,994 --> 00:27:44,793 Oh. Yeah, okay, yeah. 445 00:27:44,795 --> 00:27:46,995 Too bad. You're missing out on a great guy. 446 00:27:46,997 --> 00:27:51,065 Um, do I just spit in my hand or do I get a lube or something? 447 00:27:51,067 --> 00:27:53,967 A magazine? Video? I like Asian teen stuff preferably. 448 00:27:53,969 --> 00:27:57,169 There's lube right there. All right. Yeah, thanks. 449 00:28:02,041 --> 00:28:04,842 Excuse me. Where's your non-jerk-off bathroom? 450 00:28:04,844 --> 00:28:06,276 Down that hallway, to the left. 451 00:28:06,278 --> 00:28:08,144 Okay, thanks. 452 00:28:13,450 --> 00:28:15,650 Oh, no way. 453 00:28:17,086 --> 00:28:20,188 Hey, Doc, is this where you guys store all the stuff? 454 00:28:21,523 --> 00:28:24,291 It's the intermediary station before insemination. 455 00:28:24,293 --> 00:28:26,226 Are you submitting? No. 456 00:28:26,228 --> 00:28:29,229 My friend is yanking out a sample in one of the rooms. 457 00:28:29,231 --> 00:28:30,830 Well, that's a good friend. Yeah. 458 00:28:30,832 --> 00:28:33,098 - I'm Dr. Danzer. - Oh, cool. 459 00:28:33,100 --> 00:28:36,568 Hold me closer Dr. Danzer 460 00:28:36,570 --> 00:28:37,902 Yeah, whatever. I don't know. 461 00:28:37,904 --> 00:28:39,536 Now, wait. You look familiar. 462 00:28:39,538 --> 00:28:43,373 - Are you that teddy bear who came alive? - I am. That's me, yeah. 463 00:28:43,375 --> 00:28:45,608 I was trying to figure out where I'd seen you before, and that's it. 464 00:28:45,610 --> 00:28:47,443 Good eye, good eye. 465 00:28:47,445 --> 00:28:50,412 So, how did you get into this line of work? Do you just love come? 466 00:28:50,414 --> 00:28:53,148 Not especially. 467 00:28:53,150 --> 00:28:56,284 But I love helping good people fulfill their dreams of having children. 468 00:28:56,286 --> 00:28:58,586 It's amazing what we can do here. 469 00:28:58,588 --> 00:29:00,321 You wanna have a look? 470 00:29:00,323 --> 00:29:01,955 Yeah, sure. 471 00:29:04,058 --> 00:29:07,493 This is where we perform our pre-implantation genetic diagnosis. 472 00:29:07,495 --> 00:29:10,028 We can eliminate hereditary diseases... 473 00:29:10,030 --> 00:29:12,997 such as cystic fibrosis, muscular dystrophy, sickle-cell anemia. 474 00:29:12,999 --> 00:29:15,399 - The list goes on and on, really. - Wow. 475 00:29:15,401 --> 00:29:19,002 - Hey, Johnny! You did it! - Right here, buddy. 476 00:29:19,004 --> 00:29:21,004 Ew. I mean, awesome! 477 00:29:21,006 --> 00:29:24,540 Excuse me. Doctor, your wife's on the phone. She said it's an emergency. 478 00:29:24,542 --> 00:29:26,508 Excuse me. I'll be right back. 479 00:29:28,410 --> 00:29:30,644 You wanna see it? Huh? You wanna see your kid? 480 00:29:30,646 --> 00:29:32,312 I can see it from here. Thanks. 481 00:29:32,314 --> 00:29:34,981 - Take a closer look. It's your kid. - No, no, no! Come on! 482 00:29:34,983 --> 00:29:36,916 - Take a closer look. - That's close enough! 483 00:29:36,918 --> 00:29:38,450 - He's beautiful. - I'll trade you. Catch. 484 00:29:38,452 --> 00:29:40,318 - Shit! - Oh, God! 485 00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:42,386 Fuck, dude. That's somebody's kid! 486 00:29:42,388 --> 00:29:45,055 Well, it's not my fault, A-Rod! You were supposed to catch it! 487 00:29:45,057 --> 00:29:46,990 - We got to find something to scoop it up. - There's containers over there. 488 00:29:46,992 --> 00:29:49,158 Shit. All right. 489 00:29:49,160 --> 00:29:51,059 No, no, that's not gonna work. You need two of them. 490 00:29:51,061 --> 00:29:52,393 Scoop one into the other. 491 00:29:52,395 --> 00:29:54,461 Oh, shit! Fuck! 492 00:29:54,463 --> 00:29:56,496 Oh! Oh, fuck! 493 00:29:56,498 --> 00:29:59,131 - Oh, my God! - Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! 494 00:29:59,133 --> 00:30:01,299 Oh, my God! It's in my eyes! 495 00:30:01,301 --> 00:30:03,601 - I'm blinking it in! You got to fucking help me! 496 00:30:03,603 --> 00:30:05,235 God! It's in my fucking mouth! 497 00:30:05,237 --> 00:30:06,936 Hang on. I got to post this on Facebook. 498 00:30:06,938 --> 00:30:08,170 No! 499 00:30:08,172 --> 00:30:11,139 Hashtag "Grr, Mondays." 500 00:30:11,141 --> 00:30:14,108 - Oh, my God! - Look, I'm so sorry. 501 00:30:14,110 --> 00:30:16,443 We swear to God. It was an accident. We're so sorry. 502 00:30:16,445 --> 00:30:20,146 Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle-cell samples. 503 00:30:20,148 --> 00:30:22,014 Ah, you hear that, Johnny? 504 00:30:22,016 --> 00:30:25,117 You're covered in rejected black-guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian. 505 00:30:25,119 --> 00:30:27,185 Fuck! 506 00:30:39,063 --> 00:30:42,965 No, make sure you have all the updated information on our Comic Con placement. 507 00:30:42,967 --> 00:30:46,368 This has to be the biggest, most impressive rollout at the convention. 508 00:30:46,370 --> 00:30:49,437 Morning, Mr. Jessup. Good morning. Now... 509 00:30:49,439 --> 00:30:51,172 My name's Donny. 510 00:30:51,174 --> 00:30:53,140 Hi, Donny. 511 00:30:53,142 --> 00:30:55,475 Hi. Now this is a multi-platform release, 512 00:30:55,477 --> 00:30:57,917 - so I want a full report on all... - Fresh cakes. 513 00:31:00,047 --> 00:31:02,448 What? In the urinals, sir. 514 00:31:02,450 --> 00:31:05,083 I noticed you always use urinal four, 515 00:31:05,085 --> 00:31:07,251 so I put fresh cakes in there for you. 516 00:31:07,253 --> 00:31:10,533 You're an important man. You should never have to smell pee. 517 00:31:10,955 --> 00:31:13,475 See, most people flip the cakes. 518 00:31:14,257 --> 00:31:16,424 I replace the cakes. 519 00:31:16,426 --> 00:31:18,993 That's the Donny difference. 520 00:31:21,129 --> 00:31:24,131 I need a full report on all the placement of our merchandise. 521 00:31:24,133 --> 00:31:26,099 Contact Bob Jennings at Javits... 522 00:31:53,594 --> 00:31:55,361 Hi, Ted. 523 00:31:56,229 --> 00:31:58,196 I've missed you. 524 00:31:59,498 --> 00:32:01,765 I love you! 525 00:32:01,767 --> 00:32:03,633 I wuv you too. 526 00:32:04,768 --> 00:32:08,503 I wuv you too! I wuv you too! 527 00:32:12,107 --> 00:32:15,309 Pretty soon you'll be saying that for real. 528 00:32:15,311 --> 00:32:18,312 Pretty soon. Pretty soon. Pretty soon. 529 00:32:18,314 --> 00:32:21,114 This is gonna work. This is gonna work. This is gonna work. 530 00:32:21,116 --> 00:32:22,548 Okay. 531 00:32:22,550 --> 00:32:24,315 Just... Shh! 532 00:32:27,585 --> 00:32:29,686 Okay. 533 00:32:29,688 --> 00:32:32,054 Okay. 534 00:32:38,061 --> 00:32:41,462 No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! 535 00:32:41,464 --> 00:32:43,530 Oh, sh... 536 00:32:49,169 --> 00:32:50,636 Soon, my love. 537 00:32:51,704 --> 00:32:53,371 Soon. 538 00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:57,174 I'm afraid I have bad news. 539 00:32:57,176 --> 00:33:00,177 I won't be able to perform the implantation procedure. 540 00:33:00,179 --> 00:33:02,312 Wait, what? Why not? 541 00:33:02,314 --> 00:33:06,249 Tami-Lynn, according to your test results, you're no longer fertile. 542 00:33:06,251 --> 00:33:07,450 What? 543 00:33:07,452 --> 00:33:09,552 Wait, Doc, are you sure about that? 544 00:33:09,554 --> 00:33:11,654 Maybe you should check again or something, you know? 545 00:33:11,656 --> 00:33:13,322 I'm quite sure. 546 00:33:13,324 --> 00:33:16,391 Tami-Lynn, because of your history of excessive drug use... 547 00:33:16,393 --> 00:33:20,528 your ovarian canal has been somewhat compromised. 548 00:33:20,530 --> 00:33:23,330 What are you talking about? It looks fine. Yeah. 549 00:33:23,531 --> 00:33:25,665 Forgive me. That's a normal ovary. 550 00:33:25,667 --> 00:33:27,566 This is Tami-Lynn's. 551 00:33:27,568 --> 00:33:29,067 Jesus. 552 00:33:29,069 --> 00:33:31,402 Yeah, but I bet this stuff happens a lot. 553 00:33:31,404 --> 00:33:33,470 You probably see this kind of stuff all the time, right? 554 00:33:33,472 --> 00:33:36,139 No, not once. Not ever. 555 00:33:36,141 --> 00:33:39,542 When I saw this, I threw up. Almost quit medicine. 556 00:33:39,544 --> 00:33:42,745 Bottom line is, insemination is not possible. 557 00:33:42,747 --> 00:33:46,181 I don't understand, okay? None of this makes any sense. 558 00:33:46,183 --> 00:33:48,216 It's okay. It's okay, honey. Come on. Let's go. 559 00:33:48,218 --> 00:33:50,818 But what does this mean, Teddy? Does it mean we can't have a baby? 560 00:33:50,820 --> 00:33:53,720 I don't know. But it's gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay. 561 00:33:53,722 --> 00:33:55,154 It really isn't. 562 00:34:07,166 --> 00:34:09,867 Teddy, I got a really good feeling about this. 563 00:34:09,869 --> 00:34:11,401 I know. Me too. 564 00:34:11,403 --> 00:34:13,202 I mean, adoption's great. Right? 565 00:34:13,204 --> 00:34:15,837 Oh, yeah. I mean, Steve Jobs was adopted. 566 00:34:15,839 --> 00:34:18,506 Yeah! Yeah. And also a million kids who did nothin'. 567 00:34:19,841 --> 00:34:21,875 You know, Teddy, 568 00:34:21,877 --> 00:34:25,411 this has been nice, you and me doing this together. 569 00:34:25,413 --> 00:34:27,813 It's like we have a common goal or somethin'. Right? 570 00:34:27,815 --> 00:34:30,816 I love hearing you say that, 'cause I feel exactly the same way. 571 00:34:30,818 --> 00:34:33,752 - And we ain't fought in, like, a week. - I know! We haven't! 572 00:34:33,754 --> 00:34:36,387 Hey, if the baby works out, we should get a dog. 573 00:34:36,389 --> 00:34:38,689 Oh, my God. A German shepherd. 574 00:34:38,691 --> 00:34:41,658 - A German shepherd and a baby, together. - It's, like, the perfect family. 575 00:34:41,660 --> 00:34:43,726 - And a gun to protect us all! - Yes! 576 00:34:43,728 --> 00:34:46,128 Okay, as soon as we get the baby, we get the gun. 577 00:34:46,130 --> 00:34:49,231 I love our gun-dog-baby family! 578 00:34:50,766 --> 00:34:52,833 Well, I've gone through your application... 579 00:34:52,835 --> 00:34:55,502 and vetted your personal histories, 580 00:34:55,504 --> 00:34:58,984 and I'm afraid this isn't gonna work out. 581 00:34:59,373 --> 00:35:01,807 What? Why not? 582 00:35:01,809 --> 00:35:05,277 First of all, there's the question of Tami-Lynn's drug conviction. 583 00:35:05,279 --> 00:35:07,379 Hey, I did my community service. 584 00:35:07,381 --> 00:35:09,861 Yeah, besides, that was five years ago. She's clean. 585 00:35:10,683 --> 00:35:12,917 There's another issue... 586 00:35:12,919 --> 00:35:14,919 and, honestly, it's the more serious one. 587 00:35:14,921 --> 00:35:17,688 I was reluctant to bring it up because... 588 00:35:17,690 --> 00:35:20,757 it's a little awkward. 589 00:35:20,759 --> 00:35:24,860 Ted, in the eyes of the state, you are not a person. 590 00:35:26,162 --> 00:35:28,696 Wait, what? 591 00:35:28,698 --> 00:35:34,434 The state official I spoke to said that technically, you are classified as property. 592 00:35:36,403 --> 00:35:38,904 I'm not a person? 593 00:35:38,906 --> 00:35:42,173 Not according to the government. I'm sorry. 594 00:35:42,175 --> 00:35:43,641 But that is so fucked up! 595 00:35:44,509 --> 00:35:45,809 Property? 596 00:35:45,811 --> 00:35:47,911 You know what, Teddy? Let's get out of here. 597 00:35:47,913 --> 00:35:49,479 Come on. 598 00:35:50,715 --> 00:35:53,716 Look. You seem like good people. 599 00:35:53,718 --> 00:35:55,317 Be careful. 600 00:35:55,319 --> 00:35:57,485 What do you mean, be careful? 601 00:35:57,487 --> 00:35:59,820 The state official I spoke to... 602 00:35:59,822 --> 00:36:03,890 made it sound like your status had gone under the radar for some time. 603 00:36:03,892 --> 00:36:07,393 Your adoption request may have raised some red flags. 604 00:36:07,395 --> 00:36:09,661 If they choose to investigate the issue, 605 00:36:09,663 --> 00:36:12,563 it may leave you quite vulnerable. 606 00:36:25,809 --> 00:36:28,377 Hey. I just got off work and heard your message. 607 00:36:28,379 --> 00:36:29,911 Did they actually tell you that? 608 00:36:29,913 --> 00:36:33,681 Yeah, it's unbelievable. Property... They said I'm property. 609 00:36:33,683 --> 00:36:35,749 What does that even mean? Like, you're a thing? 610 00:36:35,751 --> 00:36:37,717 What, like garbage or a piece of shit? 611 00:36:37,719 --> 00:36:41,654 Well, I mean, maybe more like a hammer or an orange, but yeah. 612 00:36:41,656 --> 00:36:44,256 What the hell do they know? It's just a word. 613 00:36:44,258 --> 00:36:46,458 They can't change your whole life just by calling you property. 614 00:36:46,460 --> 00:36:49,594 Bullshit! You better ask my ancestors. 615 00:36:49,596 --> 00:36:52,463 One minute, you in Africa, washing your clothes in a river. 616 00:36:52,465 --> 00:36:54,498 Titties out. You good. 617 00:36:54,500 --> 00:36:57,701 Then all of a sudden, you somewhere across the world, fucking Thomas Jefferson. 618 00:36:57,703 --> 00:37:00,470 Wow! You make history come alive. 619 00:37:00,472 --> 00:37:02,405 Why the hell is this just coming up now? 620 00:37:02,407 --> 00:37:04,774 Well, I mean, I've never voted. 621 00:37:04,776 --> 00:37:07,610 I don't have a driver's license. I don't pay taxes. 622 00:37:07,612 --> 00:37:09,478 I mean, hell, this is the first job I ever had. 623 00:37:10,947 --> 00:37:14,482 Ted, can I see you for a moment? 624 00:37:14,484 --> 00:37:17,785 I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to let you go. 625 00:37:17,787 --> 00:37:21,755 What? Why? I've been busting my ass at this job for three years! 626 00:37:21,757 --> 00:37:23,923 I just got a call from the Labor Department. 627 00:37:25,392 --> 00:37:27,359 I can't legally keep you on as an employee... 628 00:37:27,361 --> 00:37:29,327 because I've been informed that you're technically... 629 00:37:29,329 --> 00:37:32,496 Technically not a person. Yeah. Jesus Christ. 630 00:37:32,498 --> 00:37:36,866 I'm sorry. But as of today, you're fired. 631 00:37:40,371 --> 00:37:44,639 "Dear Ted, your Chase Bank account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship." 632 00:37:44,641 --> 00:37:47,808 "Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked." 633 00:37:47,810 --> 00:37:50,443 "Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Gino's rewards member." 634 00:37:50,445 --> 00:37:52,011 Fuck, that's a big one. 635 00:37:52,013 --> 00:37:56,715 This poor baby booty. It's always gonna be empty. 636 00:37:56,717 --> 00:37:58,817 There's never gonna be a little foot in here. 637 00:37:58,819 --> 00:38:01,586 I don't understand. We would have made such great parents. 638 00:38:03,323 --> 00:38:06,390 Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Teddy! 639 00:38:06,392 --> 00:38:09,292 What? What's wrong? Look at this. 640 00:38:09,294 --> 00:38:13,496 "Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you... 641 00:38:13,498 --> 00:38:16,432 that due to an oversight regarding your legal status, 642 00:38:16,434 --> 00:38:21,503 your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state... 643 00:38:21,505 --> 00:38:24,506 and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled." 644 00:38:24,508 --> 00:38:27,508 - Teddy, can they do this to us? - Let me see that. 645 00:38:31,580 --> 00:38:33,980 This is a nightmare. 646 00:38:36,383 --> 00:38:38,684 - You fucking believe that? - No. 647 00:38:38,686 --> 00:38:41,853 This is insane. I mean, Tami's the woman I love. 648 00:38:41,855 --> 00:38:44,322 I never would even have tried to adopt a dog... 649 00:38:44,324 --> 00:38:46,424 if I had known it was gonna cause me this shit storm. 650 00:38:46,426 --> 00:38:50,528 This whole thing is complete bullshit. We gotta fight it. 651 00:38:50,530 --> 00:38:52,830 What do you mean? I mean, we get a lawyer. 652 00:38:52,832 --> 00:38:54,765 Oh, my God. Can we do that? 653 00:38:54,767 --> 00:38:56,733 Hell, yeah! You know what we do? 654 00:38:56,735 --> 00:38:59,035 We'll get a lawyer, and we'll sue the fucking government for your civil rights. 655 00:38:59,037 --> 00:39:01,504 Johnny, that's a great idea! 656 00:39:01,506 --> 00:39:03,539 Hey, hey, maybe we get one of them Harrison Ford lawyers... 657 00:39:03,541 --> 00:39:06,108 who gets shot in the head, then turns all retarded and nice and goes... 658 00:39:06,110 --> 00:39:09,478 "What we're doing is wrong." Yes. We get out there, and stick it to them. 659 00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:11,613 Take that shit all the way up to Judge Judy if we have to. 660 00:39:11,615 --> 00:39:13,781 Yeah. But we don't know any lawyers. 661 00:39:13,783 --> 00:39:15,415 All our friends make sandwiches. 662 00:39:15,417 --> 00:39:17,517 We just Google "Boston lawyers." Ah. 663 00:39:19,019 --> 00:39:21,053 Jesus. Look at that black cock. 664 00:39:41,507 --> 00:39:45,375 Huh. This is a very complicated case you have here. 665 00:39:46,143 --> 00:39:48,010 Most civil rights cases are, 666 00:39:48,012 --> 00:39:50,846 but this one has some very obvious wrinkles. 667 00:39:50,848 --> 00:39:52,981 Everybody says you're the best in town. 668 00:39:52,983 --> 00:39:56,818 Listen, your case is not gonna be cheap. 669 00:39:56,820 --> 00:39:58,986 What is your financial situation? 670 00:39:58,988 --> 00:40:02,556 All of our holdings are tied up in the railroads. 671 00:40:02,558 --> 00:40:04,858 Yeah, Reading Railroad, B & O Railroad, Pennsylvania Railroad. 672 00:40:04,860 --> 00:40:06,559 We're working on Short Line. 673 00:40:06,561 --> 00:40:11,697 I own four houses on Baltic Ave. I was thinking about tearing them down, building a hotel. 674 00:40:11,699 --> 00:40:14,700 I won second prize in a beauty contest. That's $50 right there. 675 00:40:14,702 --> 00:40:16,768 Are you guys just saying Monopoly stuff? 676 00:40:16,770 --> 00:40:19,670 I'm gonna go drive around the block, and I'll be back with $200. 677 00:40:19,672 --> 00:40:21,938 I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. 678 00:40:21,940 --> 00:40:24,106 My niece recently passed her bar exam, 679 00:40:24,108 --> 00:40:27,109 and I've hired her on as a junior associate here at the firm. 680 00:40:27,111 --> 00:40:29,945 I could assign her to your case pro bono, 681 00:40:29,947 --> 00:40:31,713 and then you would get a hungry young attorney, 682 00:40:31,715 --> 00:40:34,816 and I would get a more experienced lawyer in return. 683 00:40:34,818 --> 00:40:36,484 What do you say to that? 684 00:40:36,486 --> 00:40:39,520 Yeah, sure. Sounds great. 685 00:40:39,522 --> 00:40:41,488 Uh, are those hard candies, like, just to take? 686 00:40:42,656 --> 00:40:44,189 Uh, those aren't supposed to be out. 687 00:40:54,666 --> 00:40:55,799 Hello? 688 00:40:55,801 --> 00:40:59,002 Oh, fuck. 689 00:40:59,004 --> 00:41:00,870 Hi. Are you okay? 690 00:41:00,872 --> 00:41:04,039 Yeah, I'm fine. You must be Ted. 691 00:41:04,041 --> 00:41:07,776 Yeah, uh, I'm Ted. This is my buddy, John. Hi. 692 00:41:07,778 --> 00:41:11,479 My uncle says that you guys are my first clients. 693 00:41:11,481 --> 00:41:14,982 Uh, well, it's been discussed, but, um, 694 00:41:14,984 --> 00:41:18,185 - do you mind if I ask how old you are? - I'm 26. 695 00:41:18,187 --> 00:41:21,454 - Ah. - What, is there a problem? 696 00:41:21,456 --> 00:41:25,224 I just don't want my lawyer singing Frozen songs during the opening arguments. 697 00:41:25,226 --> 00:41:27,159 It's just that it's a really important case. 698 00:41:27,161 --> 00:41:29,661 Ted has already lost his job. His marriage has been annulled. 699 00:41:29,663 --> 00:41:31,996 I know. My uncle gave me all the details. 700 00:41:31,998 --> 00:41:34,164 Right. You see, the thing is, we don't wanna take any chances... 701 00:41:34,166 --> 00:41:36,566 because the stakes are so significant. 702 00:41:36,568 --> 00:41:39,135 We can't rush into anything. We got to make sure we're making the right decision. 703 00:41:39,137 --> 00:41:41,504 We appreciate your time, but I think what we're gonna do is... 704 00:41:41,506 --> 00:41:43,539 just take a seat and get to work. 705 00:41:43,541 --> 00:41:46,781 Trust you completely. Yeah, we really feel like you got a lot to offer. 706 00:41:48,910 --> 00:41:51,711 Sorry. You don't mind the pot, do you? I get migraines. 707 00:41:51,713 --> 00:41:53,546 Oh, absolutely. Me too. That's fine. 708 00:41:53,548 --> 00:41:55,881 I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minutes. 709 00:41:55,883 --> 00:41:57,816 Oh, I'm Samantha Jackson. 710 00:41:57,818 --> 00:42:00,151 Ted. How are you? Good to meet you. 711 00:42:00,153 --> 00:42:01,719 John. Nice to meet you. 712 00:42:01,721 --> 00:42:04,521 Wait, wait wait. What's your middle name? Leslie. 713 00:42:04,523 --> 00:42:06,256 Oh, my God! 714 00:42:06,258 --> 00:42:08,658 So you're Sam L. Jackson! That's fucking great! 715 00:42:08,660 --> 00:42:11,093 - Just like Sam L. Jackson! - Who is that? 716 00:42:11,095 --> 00:42:14,596 You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy. 717 00:42:14,598 --> 00:42:18,666 That weed is really good. 718 00:42:18,668 --> 00:42:21,935 It reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called "Here Comes Autism." 719 00:42:21,937 --> 00:42:24,270 Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called... 720 00:42:24,272 --> 00:42:26,205 "How Long Has That Van Been There?" 721 00:42:26,207 --> 00:42:29,608 No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home." 722 00:42:29,610 --> 00:42:32,110 I'm surprised a lawyer like you gets high. 723 00:42:32,112 --> 00:42:34,946 Aren't you supposed to be fightin' the war on drugs and that shit? 724 00:42:34,948 --> 00:42:37,148 Please, the war on drugs is a joke. 725 00:42:37,150 --> 00:42:40,017 It's just a way for the government to inflate law enforcement budgets... 726 00:42:40,019 --> 00:42:42,786 and lock up minorities for no good legal reason. 727 00:42:42,788 --> 00:42:45,188 And you, my friend, are an oppressed minority. 728 00:42:45,190 --> 00:42:47,690 Yeah. No shit. 729 00:42:47,692 --> 00:42:50,959 They've denied you the same rights as everybody else just because you're different, 730 00:42:50,961 --> 00:42:53,661 and I say that's a violation of the Constitution. 731 00:42:53,663 --> 00:42:55,863 Well, so what do you say? Can you get me my life back? 732 00:42:59,933 --> 00:43:00,966 I'm gonna try. 733 00:43:00,968 --> 00:43:03,935 Hey, guys? 734 00:43:03,937 --> 00:43:06,170 - I'm having some trouble over here. - What's the matter? 735 00:43:06,172 --> 00:43:10,073 Can you help me get home? 736 00:43:10,075 --> 00:43:12,842 I'm having a really hard time here, guys. 737 00:43:12,844 --> 00:43:14,877 Johnny, it's okay, buddy. You're doing fine. 738 00:43:14,879 --> 00:43:16,612 You're doing great. No, I'm scared. 739 00:43:16,614 --> 00:43:19,881 It's okay, though. You just have to hang onto the wall. 740 00:43:19,883 --> 00:43:22,950 Don't let the goose get me! 741 00:43:22,952 --> 00:43:26,286 How far away does he live? About a mile and a half. 742 00:43:26,288 --> 00:43:28,888 Fuck, okay. Hey, it's okay. 743 00:43:28,890 --> 00:43:30,589 One foot in front of the other. 744 00:43:30,591 --> 00:43:33,324 Open your eyes 745 00:43:35,126 --> 00:43:37,660 A helpful surprise 746 00:43:38,896 --> 00:43:43,665 All right, I got Dred Scott v. Sandford, Plessy v. Ferguson... 747 00:43:43,667 --> 00:43:45,700 and Brown v. The Board of Education. 748 00:43:45,702 --> 00:43:50,037 I got Kramer vs. Kramer, Alien vs. Predator and Freddy vs. Jason. 749 00:43:50,039 --> 00:43:53,273 I got Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Goes to Jail... 750 00:43:53,275 --> 00:43:56,209 and The Importance of Being Earnest, which was very disappointing. 751 00:43:58,579 --> 00:44:03,082 Well, I know we can do it You know we can do it too 752 00:44:05,986 --> 00:44:07,919 But there's work to be done now 753 00:44:07,921 --> 00:44:09,754 Work to be done 754 00:44:09,756 --> 00:44:13,624 You've got to put one foot in front of the other 755 00:44:13,626 --> 00:44:18,061 Put your other foot down, down, down 756 00:44:18,063 --> 00:44:20,930 - I'm gonna ask you a few test questions. Ready? - Yep, bring it on. 757 00:44:20,932 --> 00:44:22,765 You're on the stand, the DA says, 758 00:44:22,767 --> 00:44:25,033 "Ted, do you consider yourself to be human?" 759 00:44:25,035 --> 00:44:26,167 Objection! Sustained! 760 00:44:26,169 --> 00:44:27,201 No, the witness can't object. 761 00:44:27,203 --> 00:44:28,268 Overruled! Sidebar! 762 00:44:28,270 --> 00:44:29,168 Guilty! Speculation! 763 00:44:29,170 --> 00:44:29,968 Hearsay! Bailiff! 764 00:44:29,970 --> 00:44:31,135 Briefcase! Disregard! 765 00:44:31,137 --> 00:44:32,736 In my chambers! Stop beavering the witness! 766 00:44:32,738 --> 00:44:33,703 I rest. We could totally be lawyers. 767 00:44:33,705 --> 00:44:34,970 Bang. 768 00:44:34,972 --> 00:44:37,005 Given no chance 769 00:44:38,907 --> 00:44:41,108 Teach her to dance 770 00:44:42,910 --> 00:44:47,379 Coming to life little by little 771 00:44:50,015 --> 00:44:54,684 Well, I know we can do it You know we can do it too 772 00:44:57,721 --> 00:45:01,190 But there's work to be done now Work to be done 773 00:45:01,192 --> 00:45:05,627 You've got to put one foot in front of the other 774 00:45:05,629 --> 00:45:09,697 Put your other foot down, down, down 775 00:45:09,699 --> 00:45:13,267 Got to put one foot in front of the other 776 00:45:13,269 --> 00:45:17,771 Put your other foot down down, down, down 777 00:45:17,773 --> 00:45:20,840 Put one foot in front of the other 778 00:45:20,842 --> 00:45:25,277 Put your other foot down down, down 779 00:45:25,279 --> 00:45:28,813 Put one foot in front of the other 780 00:45:28,815 --> 00:45:32,416 Put your other foot down down, down 781 00:45:32,418 --> 00:45:36,420 You've got to put one foot in front of the other 782 00:45:36,422 --> 00:45:40,223 Put your other foot down down, down 783 00:45:40,225 --> 00:45:44,093 You've got to put one foot in front of the other 784 00:45:44,095 --> 00:45:48,430 Put your other foot down down, down 785 00:45:48,432 --> 00:45:52,033 Got to put one foot in front of the other 786 00:45:52,035 --> 00:45:56,303 Put your other foot down down, down, down, down, down 787 00:46:01,009 --> 00:46:02,889 I'm gonna fall off the building. 788 00:46:08,247 --> 00:46:10,414 Your name is Toby! 789 00:46:10,416 --> 00:46:12,883 You're going to learn to say your name. 790 00:46:12,885 --> 00:46:16,052 Let me hear you say it. What's your name? 791 00:46:17,788 --> 00:46:20,222 Kunta. Kunta Kinte. 792 00:46:20,224 --> 00:46:23,925 That's just like me. That's exactly what I'm going through. 793 00:46:23,927 --> 00:46:25,693 Well, it's a little different. 794 00:46:25,695 --> 00:46:29,263 Ted, if you legally become a person, you're gonna need a last name. 795 00:46:29,265 --> 00:46:31,231 Oh, yeah, you're right. 796 00:46:31,233 --> 00:46:32,999 Okay, okay, I got one. 797 00:46:33,001 --> 00:46:36,235 - Okay, what is it? - Last name of a movie character. 798 00:46:36,237 --> 00:46:38,704 Ah. 799 00:46:38,706 --> 00:46:41,373 He knows where this is goin'. All right, you ready? 800 00:46:41,375 --> 00:46:42,474 Yep. Go! 801 00:46:42,476 --> 00:46:43,475 Skywalker, Solo, Vader, 802 00:46:43,477 --> 00:46:44,476 Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, 803 00:46:44,478 --> 00:46:45,810 Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, 804 00:46:45,812 --> 00:46:47,311 Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, 805 00:46:47,313 --> 00:46:49,146 Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, 806 00:46:49,148 --> 00:46:50,180 Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, 807 00:46:50,182 --> 00:46:52,081 Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, 808 00:46:52,083 --> 00:46:54,950 O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, 809 00:46:54,952 --> 00:46:56,384 Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, 810 00:46:56,386 --> 00:46:57,852 Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, 811 00:46:57,854 --> 00:46:59,286 Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy... 812 00:46:59,288 --> 00:47:00,854 - Clubber Lang. - Fuckin'... 813 00:47:00,856 --> 00:47:03,323 Who is Clubber Lang? 814 00:47:03,325 --> 00:47:06,392 - Who's Clubber Lang? - Mr. T's character in Rocky III. Hello? 815 00:47:06,394 --> 00:47:09,027 Is that the boxing movies? 816 00:47:09,029 --> 00:47:11,796 The boxing... You've never seen Rocky? She's not serious. 817 00:47:11,798 --> 00:47:13,130 You've never seen Rocky? 818 00:47:13,132 --> 00:47:17,367 You know... 819 00:47:17,369 --> 00:47:18,801 You know, Rocky! 820 00:47:18,803 --> 00:47:20,903 I'm not gonna remember a movie I've never seen... 821 00:47:20,905 --> 00:47:22,771 just because you're singing a song I don't know. 822 00:47:22,773 --> 00:47:25,306 You don't know Samuel L. Jackson. You don't know Rocky. 823 00:47:25,308 --> 00:47:27,141 You are literally pop-culture illiterate. 824 00:47:27,143 --> 00:47:29,243 I have a college degree. 825 00:47:29,245 --> 00:47:32,145 My pop-culture references are Hamlet, Achilles, Dorian Gray. Ever heard of them? 826 00:47:32,147 --> 00:47:35,081 No, but I'm pretty sure Mr. T could kick their ass! 827 00:47:35,083 --> 00:47:36,882 Yeah, Sam, you really need to be educated. 828 00:47:36,884 --> 00:47:38,483 Oh, really? Um, 829 00:47:38,485 --> 00:47:41,385 can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby? 830 00:47:41,387 --> 00:47:42,919 Judy Blume? Hitler? 831 00:47:42,921 --> 00:47:44,186 F. Scott Fitzgerald. 832 00:47:44,188 --> 00:47:46,755 - Who's that? - The author. 833 00:47:46,757 --> 00:47:49,157 - Why are you saying "Fuck him"? - What? 834 00:47:49,159 --> 00:47:50,892 You just said, "Eff Scott Fitzgerald." 835 00:47:50,894 --> 00:47:52,460 What did Scott Fitzgerald do to you? Yeah. 836 00:47:52,462 --> 00:47:54,395 No, that's his first name. 837 00:47:54,397 --> 00:47:57,765 - His name's "Fuck Scott Fitzgerald"? - What? No. 838 00:47:57,767 --> 00:48:00,000 - Well, then, what's the F stand for? - Francis. 839 00:48:00,002 --> 00:48:01,468 No. Got to be Fuck. It must be Fuck. 840 00:48:01,470 --> 00:48:03,169 Gotta be Fuck. It has to be Fuck. 841 00:48:03,171 --> 00:48:06,172 - Why would it be Fuck? - Otherwise, why wouldn't he say it? 842 00:48:06,174 --> 00:48:08,174 He's hiding something. It's Fuck. Read between the lines, Sam. 843 00:48:08,176 --> 00:48:11,877 That's completely insane. You guys are idiots. 844 00:48:11,879 --> 00:48:14,959 Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang. Get used to it. 845 00:48:19,350 --> 00:48:21,430 Yes? 846 00:48:23,887 --> 00:48:27,789 Sir? Um, one of the janitors would like to see you. 847 00:48:27,791 --> 00:48:29,123 I'm busy. 848 00:48:29,125 --> 00:48:31,091 Fresh cakes. 849 00:48:32,159 --> 00:48:34,793 - What is it, Danny? - Donny, sir. 850 00:48:34,795 --> 00:48:38,296 Donny, I'm extremely busy with the Comic Con presentations, so... 851 00:48:38,298 --> 00:48:40,431 I'm told that you have an open-door policy here at Hasbro... 852 00:48:40,433 --> 00:48:43,000 for new toy ideas from any and all employees? 853 00:48:44,168 --> 00:48:46,435 Yeah, I suppose that's true. 854 00:48:46,437 --> 00:48:48,437 All right, come in. 855 00:48:48,439 --> 00:48:51,139 Okay. Thank you. 856 00:48:51,141 --> 00:48:53,007 Thank you. I love your dress. 857 00:48:56,578 --> 00:48:59,379 I love these things! 858 00:48:59,381 --> 00:49:01,147 Look at this! 859 00:49:04,851 --> 00:49:06,351 Don't touch my pony. 860 00:49:06,353 --> 00:49:08,019 Sorry. 861 00:49:10,389 --> 00:49:14,358 Mr. Jessup, I can make this company a billion dollars. 862 00:49:14,360 --> 00:49:17,194 I'm listening. 863 00:49:17,196 --> 00:49:19,930 Thirty years ago, a little boy named John Bennett... 864 00:49:19,932 --> 00:49:22,832 made a wish that his teddy bear would come to life. 865 00:49:22,834 --> 00:49:25,267 Somehow, one of our Hasbro bears... 866 00:49:25,269 --> 00:49:27,629 Yes, I'm aware of the story. 867 00:49:28,904 --> 00:49:30,404 Have you seen this? 868 00:49:35,077 --> 00:49:36,910 So what? 869 00:49:36,912 --> 00:49:40,546 Well, Ted is suing for his civil rights. 870 00:49:40,548 --> 00:49:44,149 If he loses, the state will officially declare him a non-entity... 871 00:49:44,151 --> 00:49:45,917 with no rights under the law. 872 00:49:45,919 --> 00:49:48,519 That means he becomes property. 873 00:49:48,521 --> 00:49:51,522 Mr. Jessup, 874 00:49:51,524 --> 00:49:55,492 we could take him back, with only a trivial degree of legal consequence... 875 00:49:55,494 --> 00:49:57,227 if we were even caught. 876 00:49:57,229 --> 00:49:59,095 And why would we do this? 877 00:49:59,097 --> 00:50:04,266 Sir, if we could cut him open to see what makes him tick, 878 00:50:04,268 --> 00:50:08,370 we could manufacture millions of Teds for every child in the world. 879 00:50:08,372 --> 00:50:10,638 Hasbro would double its profits overnight. 880 00:50:11,640 --> 00:50:13,140 Go on. 881 00:50:13,142 --> 00:50:16,076 We-We just have to make sure Ted loses the case. 882 00:50:16,078 --> 00:50:19,279 You use every back channel, every bribe, 883 00:50:19,281 --> 00:50:21,047 you call in every favor... 884 00:50:21,049 --> 00:50:25,384 and you get the best lawyer in the world on the defense. 885 00:50:25,586 --> 00:50:28,619 When Ted's rights are officially null, 886 00:50:30,288 --> 00:50:31,688 we grab him. 887 00:50:33,257 --> 00:50:37,293 No one's going to kick up a legal fuss over property. 888 00:50:37,295 --> 00:50:40,129 You're a hell of a lot smarter than your urinal cakes, Danny. 889 00:50:40,131 --> 00:50:41,663 Really? 890 00:50:41,665 --> 00:50:44,399 Now, what exactly do you want from this? 891 00:50:44,401 --> 00:50:47,435 Mr. Jessup, I'm not interested in money. 892 00:50:50,172 --> 00:50:52,540 I just want a Ted for my very own. 893 00:50:53,775 --> 00:50:57,577 All right. I think I can handle the defense. 894 00:50:57,579 --> 00:50:59,245 But let's make one thing clear. 895 00:50:59,247 --> 00:51:01,447 We never had this conversation. 896 00:51:01,449 --> 00:51:05,350 Goldner and the board cannot know about this until we have him. 897 00:51:05,352 --> 00:51:08,186 Do you understand? Yes, I do. 898 00:51:11,291 --> 00:51:14,324 I need Shep Wild. 899 00:51:16,427 --> 00:51:19,195 That was such a good dinner, Tami-Lynn. 900 00:51:19,197 --> 00:51:22,565 I've never had Pringles on my steak before. It's my pleasure. 901 00:51:22,567 --> 00:51:25,901 It's the least I can do with all you're doing for us. Really. 902 00:51:25,903 --> 00:51:28,236 Well, I haven't done anything yet. 903 00:51:28,238 --> 00:51:30,137 We wanted to take you out to dinner, 904 00:51:30,139 --> 00:51:33,807 but all we got is Tami's income these days since nobody will hire me. 905 00:51:33,809 --> 00:51:35,542 Things are getting really tight, huh? 906 00:51:35,544 --> 00:51:38,244 Yeah, I've had to do some things I'm not proud of. 907 00:51:38,246 --> 00:51:40,312 BJ's here! Get your BJ's! 908 00:51:40,314 --> 00:51:43,248 Get your red-hot BJ's! Toothless and ready to go. 909 00:51:43,250 --> 00:51:45,717 Just three dollar! Three dollar! Get your BJ's here. 910 00:51:45,719 --> 00:51:47,452 Wow. 911 00:51:47,454 --> 00:51:48,920 Hey, listen, I got an idea. 912 00:51:48,922 --> 00:51:51,589 Tami, what do you say you and me go do the dishes... 913 00:51:51,591 --> 00:51:54,358 and give Sam and Diane here some alone time, huh? 914 00:51:54,360 --> 00:51:56,593 All right, all right. 915 00:51:56,595 --> 00:51:59,395 Hey, you go pull a bad back, bitch! 916 00:52:00,597 --> 00:52:02,698 What do you think that was about? 917 00:52:02,700 --> 00:52:05,200 Oh, it's nothing. That's his way of saying I should ask you out. 918 00:52:05,202 --> 00:52:06,868 Ah. Yeah, look. 919 00:52:06,870 --> 00:52:09,637 We should probably focus our attention on the case for now. 920 00:52:09,639 --> 00:52:12,206 I completely agree. 921 00:52:12,208 --> 00:52:14,508 You know, I am a little bit curious. 922 00:52:14,510 --> 00:52:17,811 How is it that a guy like you is unattached? 923 00:52:17,813 --> 00:52:22,182 Well, I-I was married at one point, but it just didn't work out. 924 00:52:22,184 --> 00:52:24,617 Shit. I'm sorry. That sucks. 925 00:52:24,619 --> 00:52:27,720 No. I mean, we'd make it work day to day, 926 00:52:27,722 --> 00:52:31,356 but she was always just trying to change me into someone I'm not. 927 00:52:31,358 --> 00:52:33,624 And I tried, you know? 928 00:52:33,626 --> 00:52:38,528 I really tried everything I could to be the man that she wanted. 929 00:52:38,530 --> 00:52:42,698 One day I woke up, and I just realized I wasn't myself anymore. 930 00:52:42,700 --> 00:52:47,235 You know? As much as I love this person, we're completely wrong for each other. 931 00:52:47,237 --> 00:52:50,204 At least you figured it out early. 932 00:52:50,206 --> 00:52:53,646 Some people go through their whole lives trying to make it work with the wrong person. 933 00:52:53,807 --> 00:52:54,973 Yeah. 934 00:52:56,375 --> 00:52:57,842 So, we're gonna win this thing? 935 00:52:57,844 --> 00:53:00,311 Honestly, I don't know. 936 00:53:00,313 --> 00:53:02,746 Well, we're betting on you. 937 00:53:02,748 --> 00:53:05,582 Hey, Johnny, come on. It's almost 7:00. We got to get up there. 938 00:53:05,584 --> 00:53:07,750 - Hey, Sam, you want in on this? - What is it? 939 00:53:07,752 --> 00:53:10,452 Tuesday nights, we get fucked up and throw apples at joggers. 940 00:53:15,257 --> 00:53:17,725 Oh, there's one! 941 00:53:17,727 --> 00:53:19,493 - How's your workout? - Fuck you! 942 00:53:19,495 --> 00:53:20,961 Eat my pussy! Have some apples! 943 00:53:20,963 --> 00:53:22,595 Jesus, what the hell is your problem? 944 00:53:22,597 --> 00:53:26,665 It's everybody else's fault, Mary Decker! 945 00:53:26,667 --> 00:53:29,501 You sons of bitches! What the fuck is your... 946 00:53:32,005 --> 00:53:34,672 That's the lottery! That's the lottery! 947 00:53:34,674 --> 00:53:37,441 That's what you get for fucking exercising! 948 00:53:37,443 --> 00:53:40,403 That is unbelievable! 949 00:54:13,710 --> 00:54:17,312 Teddy. Teddy, I'm scared. 950 00:54:17,314 --> 00:54:18,946 Baby, we're gonna be fine. 951 00:54:18,948 --> 00:54:22,282 I don't care what any fucking piece of paper says. You're my wife. 952 00:54:22,284 --> 00:54:24,584 I love you so much. 953 00:54:24,586 --> 00:54:27,286 I swear to God, if we lose, I'm gonna fucking cut that judge. 954 00:54:27,288 --> 00:54:29,988 Wait a minute. You brought your switchblade? Yeah. 955 00:54:29,990 --> 00:54:32,457 But they patted us down on the way in here. Where'd you even hide it? 956 00:54:32,459 --> 00:54:34,392 Oh! 957 00:54:34,926 --> 00:54:36,860 Hey, Sam, 958 00:54:36,862 --> 00:54:38,662 who's that buttnut over there? 959 00:54:41,064 --> 00:54:43,999 That is why we've been working so hard. That's Shep Wild. 960 00:54:44,001 --> 00:54:46,868 It's our bad luck they put him on the trial. 961 00:54:46,870 --> 00:54:48,669 He's never lost a case in his life. 962 00:54:48,671 --> 00:54:52,773 Mr. Wild, your opening statement, if you please. 963 00:54:52,775 --> 00:54:55,375 Thank you, Your Honor. 964 00:54:55,377 --> 00:54:58,511 I would first like to thank the ladies and gentlemen of the jury... 965 00:54:58,513 --> 00:55:01,780 for taking time out of their busy schedules... 966 00:55:01,782 --> 00:55:04,315 to be a part of these proceedings. 967 00:55:04,317 --> 00:55:09,419 Now, the case we'll be examining today is really quite a simple one. 968 00:55:09,421 --> 00:55:11,954 Is Ted a human being... 969 00:55:11,956 --> 00:55:13,889 or a piece of property? 970 00:55:14,991 --> 00:55:17,859 You know, it really is a very special, 971 00:55:17,861 --> 00:55:21,662 very... unique thing to be human. 972 00:55:21,664 --> 00:55:27,600 It's a gift from God bestowed upon only one species... Us. 973 00:55:27,602 --> 00:55:31,370 But if we suddenly decide to share that gift, 974 00:55:31,372 --> 00:55:33,438 where does that lead us? 975 00:55:33,440 --> 00:55:35,373 Does your dog deserve human rights? 976 00:55:35,375 --> 00:55:38,476 Your cat? Your toaster? 977 00:55:41,581 --> 00:55:45,583 Suddenly, being human doesn't seem so special anymore, does it? 978 00:55:45,585 --> 00:55:49,720 I'm confident you'll make the right decision. 979 00:55:49,722 --> 00:55:52,622 Thank you, Mr. Wild, for your opening statement. 980 00:55:52,624 --> 00:55:53,856 Ms. Jackson? 981 00:56:00,129 --> 00:56:04,065 Hi. I am Samantha Jackson. 982 00:56:04,067 --> 00:56:08,668 I gotta be honest with you. I'm... I'm a little nervous. 983 00:56:09,503 --> 00:56:12,037 Why am I nervous? Um... 984 00:56:12,039 --> 00:56:16,775 Not because I'm a junior attorney arguing her first case. 985 00:56:16,777 --> 00:56:21,479 And not because some of you might laugh at the fact that I'm representing a teddy bear. 986 00:56:24,015 --> 00:56:28,517 No, I'm-I'm nervous because of one simple word. 987 00:56:30,953 --> 00:56:33,421 "Justice." 988 00:56:33,423 --> 00:56:37,158 I'm nervous that you're going to be swayed... 989 00:56:37,160 --> 00:56:41,595 by smooth talk and a haircut, 990 00:56:41,597 --> 00:56:45,664 and forget about the most important aspect of this case. 991 00:56:46,766 --> 00:56:48,399 Justice. 992 00:56:49,801 --> 00:56:53,804 150 years ago, a slave by the name of Dred Scott... 993 00:56:53,806 --> 00:56:56,907 sued to prove that he was a person and not a piece of property. 994 00:56:57,575 --> 00:56:59,142 He lost. 995 00:56:59,144 --> 00:57:03,479 And as history has shown us, that wasn't justice. 996 00:57:05,582 --> 00:57:08,984 In every civil rights conflict, 997 00:57:08,986 --> 00:57:15,189 we are only able to recognize the just point of view years after the fact. 998 00:57:15,191 --> 00:57:17,724 And when the next conflict comes along, 999 00:57:17,726 --> 00:57:21,861 we're once again blind to it as it's happening. 1000 00:57:21,863 --> 00:57:26,532 "Well, this is different," we say. But it isn't. 1001 00:57:26,534 --> 00:57:29,635 It is the same beast just wearing a different face... 1002 00:57:29,637 --> 00:57:31,797 and it's happening again today. 1003 00:57:32,638 --> 00:57:36,507 So I urge you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury... 1004 00:57:36,509 --> 00:57:39,869 not to be a footnote on the wrong side of history. 1005 00:57:41,912 --> 00:57:44,112 Don't wait too long to be right. 1006 00:57:45,581 --> 00:57:47,514 Thank you. 1007 00:57:50,684 --> 00:57:53,552 - Erection. - Sustained. 1008 00:57:56,055 --> 00:58:00,058 Ms. McCafferty, you and Ted recently considered adopting a child. Is that correct? 1009 00:58:00,060 --> 00:58:01,692 Yeah. 1010 00:58:01,694 --> 00:58:03,794 If I may inquire, 1011 00:58:03,796 --> 00:58:06,630 why did you not choose to have a child of your own? 1012 00:58:06,632 --> 00:58:08,064 'Cause Teddy ain't got no dick. 1013 00:58:12,202 --> 00:58:17,873 And why does Ted not possess a, uh, male appendage? 1014 00:58:17,875 --> 00:58:19,641 Is it a freak of genetics? 1015 00:58:19,643 --> 00:58:22,110 No, asshole. He ain't got a dick 'cause he's a fucking toy! 1016 00:58:22,112 --> 00:58:25,113 - What's your excuse? - Oh! Take a burn! 1017 00:58:25,115 --> 00:58:27,215 Yeah! How's your tongue taste in your own ass, Poindexter? 1018 00:58:27,217 --> 00:58:28,849 Yeah! How'd you... What? 1019 00:58:28,851 --> 00:58:30,984 Order! 1020 00:58:30,986 --> 00:58:36,789 Mr. Bennett, how would you categorize your relationship with Ted? 1021 00:58:37,791 --> 00:58:38,957 He's my best friend. 1022 00:58:38,959 --> 00:58:41,693 So you don't see him as your property. 1023 00:58:41,695 --> 00:58:44,662 No, he's not my property. He's a person. 1024 00:58:44,664 --> 00:58:46,730 He's way more of a person than lots of other people. 1025 00:58:46,732 --> 00:58:48,932 Fucking Steven Tyler? What the fuck is that? 1026 00:58:48,934 --> 00:58:51,034 Some kind of weird soccer-mom looking Goonie monster? 1027 00:58:51,036 --> 00:58:52,735 - Your Honor? - I'll allow it. 1028 00:58:52,737 --> 00:58:54,837 Thank you, Your Honor. 1029 00:58:54,839 --> 00:58:56,171 Your witness. 1030 00:59:00,009 --> 00:59:04,512 Mr. Bennett, when and where did you first encounter Ted? 1031 00:59:04,514 --> 00:59:06,947 What do you mean? My parents got him for me when I was a kid. 1032 00:59:06,949 --> 00:59:09,616 Aha. They "got him." 1033 00:59:10,751 --> 00:59:12,084 Where did they get him? 1034 00:59:14,921 --> 00:59:16,621 Child World toy store. 1035 00:59:16,623 --> 00:59:18,155 I'm sorry. I couldn't hear. Could you repeat that? 1036 00:59:18,157 --> 00:59:20,123 Child World toy store. You fucking heard me. 1037 00:59:20,125 --> 00:59:22,992 There's no need for hostility, Mr. Bennett. Why? Nobody here likes you! 1038 00:59:22,994 --> 00:59:25,127 I saw you eating lunch alone! You're a loser! 1039 00:59:25,129 --> 00:59:26,194 - Your Honor? - Mr. Bennett. 1040 00:59:26,196 --> 00:59:27,762 I hope your kids get bird flu. 1041 00:59:27,764 --> 00:59:30,030 Mr. Bennett! I'm sorry. 1042 00:59:30,032 --> 00:59:33,166 Now, you said your parents purchased Ted... 1043 00:59:33,168 --> 00:59:36,802 as one might purchase a baseball glove or a Big Wheel. 1044 00:59:36,804 --> 00:59:39,037 - No, it's not like that! - Objection! 1045 00:59:39,039 --> 00:59:41,973 - You can't do that. - You know what? This is bullshit! 1046 00:59:41,975 --> 00:59:45,009 This court is trying to tell me that I'm not as good as other people... 1047 00:59:45,011 --> 00:59:47,177 and this is exactly what you've been doing to the fags! 1048 00:59:47,179 --> 00:59:49,779 - Ted! - Sorry, sorry. The homos, the homos. 1049 00:59:49,781 --> 00:59:52,615 This is exactly what you've been doing to the homos, and I say it's wrong! 1050 00:59:52,617 --> 00:59:55,250 Ms. Jackson, please control your client... 1051 00:59:55,252 --> 00:59:57,552 or I'll hold both of you in contempt of court. 1052 00:59:57,554 --> 00:59:59,086 Oh, piss off! All right? 1053 00:59:59,088 --> 01:00:01,321 I'm standing up for me, and I'm standing up for the homos! 1054 01:00:01,323 --> 01:00:03,289 - We deserve respect! - Ted, shut up! 1055 01:00:03,291 --> 01:00:04,957 Fine. 1056 01:00:13,900 --> 01:00:16,301 Your Honor, I'd like to call Ted Clubber Lang to the stand. 1057 01:00:16,303 --> 01:00:17,969 Yes! 1058 01:00:17,971 --> 01:00:19,971 My turn, assholes. 1059 01:00:25,009 --> 01:00:28,711 Ted, do you love your wife? 1060 01:00:28,713 --> 01:00:31,246 Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled. 1061 01:00:31,248 --> 01:00:33,014 I'll rephrase. 1062 01:00:34,049 --> 01:00:35,783 Do you love Tami-Lynn? 1063 01:00:35,785 --> 01:00:39,153 I love my wife. Okay? My wife... 1064 01:00:39,155 --> 01:00:41,054 more than anything in the world. 1065 01:00:41,056 --> 01:00:42,955 We're married. I don't care what anybody says. 1066 01:00:42,957 --> 01:00:48,860 So you're saying you are capable of feeling love. Yeah. 1067 01:00:48,862 --> 01:00:52,029 Hey, it must be weird for you guys, having a doll up here on the stand... 1068 01:00:52,031 --> 01:00:55,165 with no kid pointing to where his uncle touched him, huh? 1069 01:00:55,167 --> 01:00:58,001 Yeah, no, yeah, no. Yeah, I am capable. 1070 01:00:58,003 --> 01:00:59,736 I love a lot of stuff. 1071 01:00:59,738 --> 01:01:04,373 Ted, do you believe you have a soul? 1072 01:01:06,008 --> 01:01:11,779 What did you think I would do at this moment 1073 01:01:11,781 --> 01:01:14,681 When you're standing before me 1074 01:01:14,683 --> 01:01:17,850 With tears in your eyes? 1075 01:01:17,852 --> 01:01:19,284 That answer your question? 1076 01:01:19,286 --> 01:01:20,818 Objection. Your Honor. 1077 01:01:20,820 --> 01:01:22,853 Overruled. 1078 01:01:22,855 --> 01:01:26,122 What it is, man. Dynomite. 1079 01:01:26,124 --> 01:01:29,058 - Ted. - Right, right. Sorry, sorry. 1080 01:01:29,060 --> 01:01:33,095 Look, I'm not a scientist, okay? 1081 01:01:33,097 --> 01:01:36,798 I don't know exactly what makes a person a person. 1082 01:01:36,800 --> 01:01:41,002 All I know is I feel stuff, just like all you guys. 1083 01:01:41,004 --> 01:01:44,171 And I don't think I ought to be treated any different. 1084 01:01:48,276 --> 01:01:49,843 Capable of love. 1085 01:01:51,011 --> 01:01:53,491 Aware of his own consciousness. 1086 01:01:55,948 --> 01:01:57,868 Seems pretty human to me. 1087 01:01:58,717 --> 01:02:00,217 No further questions. 1088 01:02:01,085 --> 01:02:03,186 Mr. Kidder, 1089 01:02:03,188 --> 01:02:07,023 you were an employee at Hasbro from 1976 to 1998. Is that correct? 1090 01:02:07,025 --> 01:02:10,126 Yes, I supervised the stuffing of the teddy bears. 1091 01:02:10,128 --> 01:02:14,363 - And what is that stuffing made of? - A synthetic cotton-poly blend. 1092 01:02:14,365 --> 01:02:16,264 Is there anything else in there? 1093 01:02:16,266 --> 01:02:20,368 The bear products are affixed with an electronic device in the chest... 1094 01:02:20,370 --> 01:02:24,705 which can be programmed to say any one of five phrases. 1095 01:02:25,339 --> 01:02:26,939 Hmm. 1096 01:02:29,709 --> 01:02:33,110 Ted, would you please press your chest? 1097 01:02:35,213 --> 01:02:36,713 What? 1098 01:02:36,715 --> 01:02:39,716 Please follow the instruction, Mr. Clubber Lang. 1099 01:02:44,887 --> 01:02:46,821 I love you! 1100 01:02:56,764 --> 01:02:58,464 No further questions. 1101 01:03:01,134 --> 01:03:03,034 Also in the news, a pending court case... 1102 01:03:03,036 --> 01:03:07,104 is beginning to get national attention for its civil rights ramifications. 1103 01:03:07,106 --> 01:03:09,940 Ted, the bear, who some of you may remember came to life... 1104 01:03:09,942 --> 01:03:12,842 back in the mid-'80s right here in Boston... 1105 01:03:12,844 --> 01:03:15,945 is suing to prove he is, indeed, a person. 1106 01:03:15,947 --> 01:03:18,881 Okay, so what are we even talking about here? 1107 01:03:18,883 --> 01:03:21,216 What we're talking about is a civil rights issue. 1108 01:03:21,418 --> 01:03:23,184 This bear has rights. 1109 01:03:23,186 --> 01:03:25,052 Oh, come on! He does not! He's a toy. 1110 01:03:25,054 --> 01:03:26,653 Then why are you calling it a "he"? 1111 01:03:26,655 --> 01:03:29,055 Look, we call the Statue of Liberty "she," 1112 01:03:29,057 --> 01:03:31,991 but we all know it's an object made of copper and steel. 1113 01:03:31,993 --> 01:03:33,559 Oh, good point. 1114 01:03:33,561 --> 01:03:36,595 Yes, but she isn't conscious or sentient. He is. 1115 01:03:36,597 --> 01:03:38,597 Now, come on! 1116 01:03:38,599 --> 01:03:41,499 Are any of you gonna sit there and tell me that this stuffed doll is a person? 1117 01:03:41,501 --> 01:03:44,034 No. Not at all. We all agree all the time. 1118 01:03:44,036 --> 01:03:47,003 So, the big story out of Boston is that Ted, the bear, 1119 01:03:47,005 --> 01:03:49,405 is suing to prove that he's a person. 1120 01:03:49,407 --> 01:03:51,306 Legal experts are closely watching this case. 1121 01:03:51,308 --> 01:03:53,207 They said if Ted wins, 1122 01:03:53,209 --> 01:03:56,343 Donald Trump's hair would look to quickly file a similar lawsuit. 1123 01:03:56,345 --> 01:03:59,546 So... I think it might be... it might be real. 1124 01:03:59,548 --> 01:04:02,348 I don't think he should want to be considered a person. 1125 01:04:02,350 --> 01:04:05,651 After all, Ted spent many years sleeping and cuddling with a child. 1126 01:04:05,653 --> 01:04:07,953 That's cute when you're a stuffed animal. 1127 01:04:07,955 --> 01:04:11,556 When you're a person, that's a felony. 1128 01:04:11,558 --> 01:04:15,459 This sounds like a silly case, but this is actually a really big case. 1129 01:04:15,461 --> 01:04:18,962 The last time someone named Ted made this much news in Massachusetts, 1130 01:04:18,964 --> 01:04:20,730 he drove a chick into a lake. 1131 01:04:22,633 --> 01:04:26,001 Ted, do you have anything to say in your own defense? 1132 01:04:26,003 --> 01:04:30,738 I am not an animal! 1133 01:04:34,043 --> 01:04:36,610 You see, Your Honor? He's not an animal. 1134 01:04:45,284 --> 01:04:48,419 I'm sorry, Your Honor. I'm on my period. 1135 01:04:48,421 --> 01:04:53,724 And live from New York, it's Saturday Night! 1136 01:05:11,509 --> 01:05:13,376 What is taking them so long? 1137 01:05:13,378 --> 01:05:15,277 Is it bad that they're taking this long? 1138 01:05:15,279 --> 01:05:19,047 It's not good or bad. It just means that they're probably having a debate. 1139 01:05:19,049 --> 01:05:22,383 - Johnny, it may be time to play the Beetlejuice card. - What do you mean? 1140 01:05:22,385 --> 01:05:25,018 - I mean saying his name three times. - What? 1141 01:05:25,020 --> 01:05:28,087 - Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. - Shut up! 1142 01:05:28,089 --> 01:05:30,389 You fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around in here. 1143 01:05:30,391 --> 01:05:32,491 No, Johnny, he'll be on our side. He'll help us. 1144 01:05:32,493 --> 01:05:35,093 - Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice... - You are meddling with powers you do not understand. 1145 01:05:35,095 --> 01:05:36,461 Cut the shit. 1146 01:05:48,539 --> 01:05:49,705 Please be seated. 1147 01:05:52,642 --> 01:05:56,111 Mr. Willer, has the jury reached a verdict? 1148 01:05:56,113 --> 01:05:58,113 Yes, we have, Your Honor. 1149 01:05:58,115 --> 01:06:02,417 Um, in the case of Ted v. the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, 1150 01:06:02,419 --> 01:06:05,253 we the jury find for the commonwealth... 1151 01:06:05,255 --> 01:06:08,256 in that Ted is not a person. 1152 01:06:20,334 --> 01:06:24,402 Very well. The plaintiff is hereby legally deemed property. 1153 01:06:24,404 --> 01:06:27,671 The definition entails the rights thereof, 1154 01:06:27,673 --> 01:06:29,739 and will be recognized in the terms set... 1155 01:06:29,741 --> 01:06:32,742 by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. 1156 01:06:32,744 --> 01:06:35,511 The court wishes to thank the jury for its service. 1157 01:06:42,585 --> 01:06:44,652 Are you sure you can get him? 1158 01:06:44,654 --> 01:06:46,854 Remember, you're on your own out there. 1159 01:06:46,856 --> 01:06:48,622 Hasbro can have no connection to this. 1160 01:06:48,624 --> 01:06:51,191 Oh, I'll get him. 1161 01:06:51,193 --> 01:06:53,393 And when I have him, I'll call you with the code phrase. 1162 01:06:54,327 --> 01:06:55,827 Do you remember what it is? 1163 01:06:55,829 --> 01:06:57,628 Yes, I remember it. 1164 01:06:57,630 --> 01:06:59,696 Should we say it just for safety? No, that's not necessary. 1165 01:06:59,698 --> 01:07:01,130 Say it. I don't wanna say... 1166 01:07:01,132 --> 01:07:02,731 I don't have to... Just say it. 1167 01:07:02,733 --> 01:07:05,834 Fresh cakes. Fresh cakes. 1168 01:07:13,809 --> 01:07:16,243 This isn't fucking fair. 1169 01:07:16,245 --> 01:07:18,345 Teddy's a good man. 1170 01:07:18,347 --> 01:07:21,214 Why is he being treated differently than everybody else? 1171 01:07:21,216 --> 01:07:23,849 It's what this country does best... 1172 01:07:23,851 --> 01:07:26,184 Putting different people into little groups... 1173 01:07:26,186 --> 01:07:28,719 and making them watch Tyler Perry. It's wrong! 1174 01:07:29,854 --> 01:07:32,655 - I'm so sorry, baby. - No, I'm sorry. 1175 01:07:32,657 --> 01:07:35,591 I thought I'd built a better case. 1176 01:07:35,593 --> 01:07:38,594 It's just, the reality is you have a really shitty lawyer. 1177 01:07:38,596 --> 01:07:40,729 Hey, come on. Nobody's blaming you for this. 1178 01:07:40,731 --> 01:07:42,497 You did everything you could. 1179 01:07:42,499 --> 01:07:47,335 I just... I'm sitting here, and I can't believe it's official. 1180 01:07:47,337 --> 01:07:49,337 All right, so what are we gonna do now? 1181 01:07:49,339 --> 01:07:51,772 I mean, we can't take this lying down, right? We gotta do something. 1182 01:07:51,774 --> 01:07:54,141 You know what we're gonna do? 1183 01:07:54,143 --> 01:07:56,776 - We're gonna call Patrick Meighan. - Who's that? 1184 01:07:56,778 --> 01:07:59,712 He is the top civil rights attorney in America. 1185 01:07:59,714 --> 01:08:02,414 Wait. Is he the one who got that female midget into the marines? 1186 01:08:02,416 --> 01:08:04,916 - Yeah. - Yeah, that had a sad ending though. You remember? 1187 01:08:04,918 --> 01:08:07,385 She was at a Veterans Day parade, somebody handed her a bunch of balloons and... 1188 01:08:07,387 --> 01:08:09,153 Pfft! She's gone. 1189 01:08:09,155 --> 01:08:11,421 - It was very sad. Very sad for the family. - You know what? 1190 01:08:11,423 --> 01:08:13,689 If anyone can get this verdict overturned, it's him. 1191 01:08:13,691 --> 01:08:16,692 He's not cheap, but we've become such a high-profile case, 1192 01:08:16,694 --> 01:08:18,927 I feel like he might take it pro bono. 1193 01:08:18,929 --> 01:08:20,662 He's a sucker for media. 1194 01:08:24,566 --> 01:08:27,646 - Hey, Johnny, how about a beer, huh? - Yeah, that's a good idea. 1195 01:08:28,802 --> 01:08:30,335 Hi. I'm calling for Patrick Meighan. 1196 01:08:30,337 --> 01:08:31,736 This is Samantha Jackson. 1197 01:08:31,738 --> 01:08:34,805 I defended Ted Clubber Lang in Ted v. Massachusetts. 1198 01:08:36,240 --> 01:08:38,941 - Hey! - Hi. Mr. Meighan. 1199 01:08:38,943 --> 01:08:42,678 Thank you so much for taking my call. 1200 01:08:42,680 --> 01:08:45,280 Oh, you've been following the case? That's great. 1201 01:08:45,282 --> 01:08:48,650 Yeah, that's actually why I'm calling. 1202 01:08:48,652 --> 01:08:51,386 Yeah, I was wondering... 1203 01:08:51,388 --> 01:08:54,948 if maybe you would consider helping us try to overturn the verdict. 1204 01:08:56,757 --> 01:09:00,826 Well, yeah. It would have to be a pro bono situation... 1205 01:09:00,828 --> 01:09:02,961 because we're not really working with much money, 1206 01:09:02,963 --> 01:09:04,662 but I think you'll be impressed with my client. 1207 01:09:04,664 --> 01:09:06,930 Oh! Ha, ha, motherfucker! 1208 01:09:06,932 --> 01:09:09,732 Sure. Yeah, great. 1209 01:09:09,734 --> 01:09:11,767 Okay. Thank you so much. 1210 01:09:11,769 --> 01:09:14,469 Okay, I'll see you then. Bye. 1211 01:09:14,471 --> 01:09:16,737 Oh, my God! He said he'll meet with us... 1212 01:09:16,739 --> 01:09:18,872 on Friday at 9:00 AM at his office in New York. 1213 01:09:18,874 --> 01:09:22,775 - Is he gonna take the case? - I don't wanna jinx it, but I think so. 1214 01:09:22,777 --> 01:09:26,378 Oh, my God! You hear that, Johnny? I still got a shot! 1215 01:09:26,380 --> 01:09:29,381 - We got to celebrate. - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 1216 01:09:29,383 --> 01:09:32,650 - Let's go down to the Improv and yell sad suggestions? - Fuck, yeah! 1217 01:09:32,652 --> 01:09:35,853 So first we need a historical event. Who's got an event? 1218 01:09:35,855 --> 01:09:39,723 - 9/11. - Okay. Maybe something else. 1219 01:09:39,725 --> 01:09:41,391 All right, let's start with a person. 1220 01:09:41,393 --> 01:09:42,658 Robin Williams. 1221 01:09:42,660 --> 01:09:44,393 Okay, all right, for real, guys. For real. 1222 01:09:44,395 --> 01:09:45,827 Who's got a person? 1223 01:09:45,829 --> 01:09:47,829 Robin Williams on 9/11. 1224 01:09:47,831 --> 01:09:49,697 All right, we've heard from these guys. 1225 01:09:49,699 --> 01:09:51,932 Let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. 1226 01:09:51,934 --> 01:09:54,467 How about a location? Let's go with a location. 1227 01:09:54,469 --> 01:09:56,602 The offices of Charlie Hebdo. 1228 01:09:56,604 --> 01:09:59,738 Okay, seriously, sir, I just need a location. 1229 01:09:59,740 --> 01:10:02,373 - Ferguson, Missouri. - Germanwings cockpit. 1230 01:10:02,375 --> 01:10:04,308 Okay, I heard "Starbucks." 1231 01:10:04,310 --> 01:10:05,742 No, you didn't. Nobody said Starbucks. 1232 01:10:05,744 --> 01:10:08,945 All right, Starbucks. Okay, now, who's in the Starbucks? 1233 01:10:08,947 --> 01:10:11,881 - Bill Cosby. - You people are monsters. 1234 01:10:11,883 --> 01:10:15,123 We're giving you the tools, buddy. Make some fucking comedy. 1235 01:10:26,429 --> 01:10:28,363 All right. We'll be back tomorrow afternoon. 1236 01:10:28,365 --> 01:10:30,832 I love you so much, Teddy. 1237 01:10:30,834 --> 01:10:33,968 You go kick some ass, because I am not taking off this wedding ring. 1238 01:10:33,970 --> 01:10:36,971 I love you too, baby. I'll see you soon. 1239 01:11:16,343 --> 01:11:17,776 Where they at? Where they at? 1240 01:11:17,778 --> 01:11:19,043 Where they at? Where they at? 1241 01:11:19,045 --> 01:11:21,812 Where they at? Where they at? 1242 01:11:21,814 --> 01:11:23,947 If you wanna somethin' with a pie of meat 1243 01:11:23,949 --> 01:11:26,382 Just fuck your own brother in the front seat 1244 01:11:26,384 --> 01:11:29,418 Oh, why can't you just say please? 1245 01:11:29,420 --> 01:11:32,421 Hey! Must be the money 1246 01:11:32,423 --> 01:11:34,890 Hey, Sam, why do you have a duffel bag that says Arizona State? 1247 01:11:34,892 --> 01:11:36,558 Because that's where I went to school. 1248 01:11:36,560 --> 01:11:39,694 - What, you went to Arizona State? - Yeah, why? 1249 01:11:39,696 --> 01:11:42,396 Oh, man, that's why we lost the case. Hello? 1250 01:11:42,398 --> 01:11:44,364 You're dicks. Arizona State. 1251 01:11:44,366 --> 01:11:46,332 Hey, how many times you been fucked on a houseboat? 1252 01:11:46,334 --> 01:11:49,668 Come on. 1253 01:11:49,670 --> 01:11:53,104 Did you write your dissertation on the collected works of Red Bull? 1254 01:11:53,106 --> 01:11:55,439 Yeah. Yeah, I did. I got an "A" on it. 1255 01:11:55,441 --> 01:11:57,774 So do you say Arizona State University, 1256 01:11:57,776 --> 01:11:59,675 or do you just say HPVU? 1257 01:12:04,514 --> 01:12:07,082 This is perfect. We're gonna get to the city before 10:00. 1258 01:12:07,084 --> 01:12:09,384 Hey, Sam, how's your boring salad? 1259 01:12:09,386 --> 01:12:10,852 It's actually delicious. 1260 01:12:10,854 --> 01:12:12,820 Everybody always says that about their salad. 1261 01:12:12,822 --> 01:12:14,488 They're all a bunch of fucking liars. 1262 01:12:14,490 --> 01:12:16,523 No, I love it. It's really good. 1263 01:12:16,525 --> 01:12:18,858 Have some Cookie Crisp. You need something nutritional. 1264 01:12:18,860 --> 01:12:20,593 Why do you think I want your Cookie Crisp? 1265 01:12:20,595 --> 01:12:24,964 Hey, what's the deal here? You guys ever gonna make out or what? 1266 01:12:24,966 --> 01:12:28,367 Teddy, come on, dude! No, I'm just... I'm just saying. 1267 01:12:28,369 --> 01:12:29,868 You look like you're hitting it off, you know? 1268 01:12:29,870 --> 01:12:31,803 Sam, you dig him, right? 1269 01:12:34,606 --> 01:12:36,940 Hey! Where the hell's my coffee? I've been waiting for 10 minutes. 1270 01:12:36,942 --> 01:12:39,542 I'm so sorry, sir. I forgot. I'll get it right away. 1271 01:12:39,544 --> 01:12:42,264 Jesus, you're a waitress, you're not building rockets. Figure it out. 1272 01:12:42,645 --> 01:12:44,779 What a prick. 1273 01:12:44,781 --> 01:12:47,381 Hey, 20 bucks, I can toss a Cookie Crisp into his ass crack. 1274 01:12:47,383 --> 01:12:49,149 Wait, let me try. 1275 01:12:49,151 --> 01:12:51,084 I used to pitch for the softball team at Arizona State. 1276 01:12:51,086 --> 01:12:52,985 Oh, yeah? Was your mascot a broken condom? 1277 01:12:52,987 --> 01:12:54,519 Shut up. 1278 01:12:56,989 --> 01:12:59,122 Who did that? 1279 01:12:59,124 --> 01:13:01,991 Jesus Christ. You got to be kidding me! 1280 01:13:01,993 --> 01:13:03,926 Now we're assholes. Look what you did. 1281 01:13:03,928 --> 01:13:06,929 I swear to God, I'll kick your goddamn ass! Who was it? 1282 01:13:06,931 --> 01:13:12,467 Sir, I apologize for my five-year-old son. I'm "sowwy." Sowwy, sir. 1283 01:13:12,469 --> 01:13:14,869 Cookie Crisp in your bum-bumzies. I'm sowwy. 1284 01:13:14,871 --> 01:13:19,173 Under the circumstances, I guess it's okay. 1285 01:13:19,175 --> 01:13:21,475 Oh, my God. Now we're even bigger assholes. 1286 01:13:21,477 --> 01:13:23,009 Go get my Cookie Crisp out of his ass. 1287 01:13:23,011 --> 01:13:24,710 You guys making trouble over here? 1288 01:13:24,712 --> 01:13:26,611 No, ma'am. We're just minding our business. 1289 01:13:26,613 --> 01:13:28,946 Let's try to keep your boyfriend under control here, yeah? 1290 01:13:28,948 --> 01:13:30,747 Oh, he's not my boyfriend. 1291 01:13:31,482 --> 01:13:33,950 Oh. Good. 1292 01:13:33,952 --> 01:13:35,651 We'll just get the check. Thanks. 1293 01:13:35,653 --> 01:13:37,185 Of course. 1294 01:13:39,755 --> 01:13:41,655 Oh, my God. John, did you see that? 1295 01:13:41,657 --> 01:13:43,690 She was totally giving you the fuck-me eyes. 1296 01:13:43,692 --> 01:13:46,426 - No, she wasn't. - She was giving you the fuck-me eyes. 1297 01:13:46,428 --> 01:13:50,062 - What are the fuck-me eyes? - Some women just have fuck-me eyes. 1298 01:13:50,264 --> 01:13:52,030 Do I have fuck-me eyes? 1299 01:13:52,032 --> 01:13:54,399 No, you have "Give us the ring, my precious" eyes. 1300 01:13:54,401 --> 01:13:56,200 We better get going. 1301 01:13:56,202 --> 01:13:58,335 We got two hours of driving left, and I'm kind of beat. 1302 01:13:58,337 --> 01:14:00,036 We gotta be well-rested for tomorrow. 1303 01:14:00,038 --> 01:14:02,071 Wait. I'll drive. You can take a nap. 1304 01:14:02,073 --> 01:14:04,239 - You don't have a license. - Who cares? 1305 01:14:04,241 --> 01:14:06,741 Johnny lets me drive every once in a while when he's too hammered. 1306 01:14:06,743 --> 01:14:11,145 I'm a fucking pro! Besides, I've been kicked around a lot this week. 1307 01:14:11,147 --> 01:14:14,114 I-I just... I wanna feel useful, you know? 1308 01:14:14,116 --> 01:14:16,816 - Twenty minutes behind the wheel. - Yay! 1309 01:14:42,808 --> 01:14:45,009 Ah, you can talk about the pit 1310 01:14:45,011 --> 01:14:46,910 Barbecue 1311 01:14:46,912 --> 01:14:49,445 The band was jumpin', the people too 1312 01:14:49,447 --> 01:14:52,114 Ah, mess around 1313 01:14:52,116 --> 01:14:53,915 They're doin' the mess around 1314 01:14:55,384 --> 01:14:57,284 They're doin' the mess around 1315 01:14:57,286 --> 01:14:59,219 Everybody doin' the mess around 1316 01:15:01,256 --> 01:15:03,055 Let me have it there, boy 1317 01:15:18,036 --> 01:15:20,003 Now this band's gonna play 1318 01:15:20,005 --> 01:15:21,871 From 9:00 to 1:00 1319 01:15:21,873 --> 01:15:24,473 Everybody here is gonna have some fun 1320 01:15:24,475 --> 01:15:26,174 Doin' the mess around 1321 01:15:27,910 --> 01:15:29,911 They're doin' the mess around 1322 01:15:29,913 --> 01:15:33,153 Everybody do the mess around 1323 01:15:38,720 --> 01:15:40,454 Fuck! Shit, shit, shit! 1324 01:16:11,216 --> 01:16:13,050 What the fuck? 1325 01:16:13,052 --> 01:16:16,086 Well, Sam, it's been 20 minutes. You wanna take over? 1326 01:16:28,431 --> 01:16:30,265 Hey, listen, Sam, I'm-I'm real sorry. 1327 01:16:30,267 --> 01:16:32,166 That barn just came out of nowhere. 1328 01:16:32,168 --> 01:16:34,434 No, no, it's my fault. 1329 01:16:34,436 --> 01:16:36,335 I should never have let you drive. 1330 01:16:36,337 --> 01:16:39,838 Yeah. You were wrong. You were wrong to do that. Yeah. 1331 01:16:39,840 --> 01:16:44,108 But that and the trial are the only two things you fucked up, so, uh... 1332 01:16:44,110 --> 01:16:46,243 Hey, I can't see shit in there. 1333 01:16:46,245 --> 01:16:48,245 We're gonna have to wait till tomorrow to get the car out. 1334 01:16:48,247 --> 01:16:51,314 Uh, wait. Are we gonna spend the night here? 1335 01:16:51,316 --> 01:16:54,876 Yeah, it'll be fine. We just got to find some firewood. 1336 01:17:04,260 --> 01:17:05,859 What the hell? 1337 01:17:11,965 --> 01:17:13,966 Holy shit. Hey, Ted! 1338 01:17:15,201 --> 01:17:18,836 You know what this is? It's Super Lemon Haze. 1339 01:17:18,838 --> 01:17:21,939 It's a really rare strain. It's a cross between Lemon Skunk and Super Silver Haze. 1340 01:17:21,941 --> 01:17:24,274 It's totally potent. I've only had it once in my life, 1341 01:17:24,276 --> 01:17:26,809 and it was one of the best highs I ever had. 1342 01:17:26,811 --> 01:17:29,845 What the hell is a leaf of this stuff doing out in the middle of a... 1343 01:17:58,105 --> 01:17:59,839 Dear God! 1344 01:17:59,841 --> 01:18:02,007 Dear God in heaven. 1345 01:18:02,009 --> 01:18:04,409 It's so beautiful. 1346 01:18:04,411 --> 01:18:07,178 It's so beautiful. 1347 01:18:07,180 --> 01:18:08,579 No words. 1348 01:18:09,614 --> 01:18:11,948 No words. 1349 01:18:11,950 --> 01:18:14,050 They should've sent a poet. 1350 01:18:21,390 --> 01:18:24,058 They're moving in herds. 1351 01:18:24,060 --> 01:18:25,959 They do move in herds. 1352 01:18:30,097 --> 01:18:33,065 Please tell me that's not the only bong you brought on this trip. 1353 01:18:33,067 --> 01:18:36,134 Yeah, Sam. This puts us in kind of an awkward position here. 1354 01:18:36,136 --> 01:18:38,569 - We wanna get high too. - I don't have any papers or nothing. 1355 01:18:38,571 --> 01:18:41,531 Is this hilarious? I got it at a bachelorette party. 1356 01:18:42,540 --> 01:18:44,307 It's so stupid. 1357 01:18:44,309 --> 01:18:46,175 Here, try it. Uh, no. 1358 01:18:46,177 --> 01:18:49,611 Why? I don't wanna put a big glass cock in my mouth. 1359 01:18:49,613 --> 01:18:51,379 You think this is big? 1360 01:18:51,381 --> 01:18:54,215 Johnny, you walked right into that one, pal. 1361 01:18:54,217 --> 01:18:56,050 - This is all I brought. - How about this? 1362 01:18:56,052 --> 01:18:58,052 I'm gonna go check out the barn, 1363 01:18:58,054 --> 01:19:00,587 and see if I can find a soda can or something for us to make a bong. 1364 01:19:00,589 --> 01:19:02,555 Yeah, see if you can make a non-dick bong. 1365 01:19:02,557 --> 01:19:04,957 Yeah. Hey, you know, that's the name of the South Korean president. 1366 01:19:04,959 --> 01:19:06,291 Right? 1367 01:19:06,293 --> 01:19:07,925 She gets... You get it. 1368 01:19:07,927 --> 01:19:09,526 - Right? Nah. - What? 1369 01:19:09,528 --> 01:19:12,095 Okay, I'll be back. 1370 01:19:12,097 --> 01:19:14,063 Sorry. 1371 01:19:14,065 --> 01:19:16,899 No, I... This is nice. 1372 01:19:16,901 --> 01:19:19,468 You know, I mean I always wanted my ex-wife to get stoned with me... 1373 01:19:19,470 --> 01:19:22,170 and she never would, so... Really? Wow. 1374 01:19:22,172 --> 01:19:24,539 That's the cornerstone of any great marriage. 1375 01:19:24,541 --> 01:19:26,606 I agree. 1376 01:19:30,243 --> 01:19:32,577 So you think this Meighan guy is gonna help us? 1377 01:19:32,579 --> 01:19:36,647 I mean, honestly, I don't know. Um... 1378 01:19:36,649 --> 01:19:40,083 But we're going to the right place. 1379 01:19:40,085 --> 01:19:43,386 Listen, I just really wanna thank you for all you've done, all you're doing for us. 1380 01:19:43,388 --> 01:19:46,288 I know it's not making you rich. Please. 1381 01:19:46,290 --> 01:19:49,690 There are more important things in life than money. 1382 01:19:50,192 --> 01:19:53,694 Look, I don't know what kind of mojo... 1383 01:19:53,696 --> 01:19:55,662 was in that wish you made when you were a child, 1384 01:19:55,864 --> 01:19:58,865 but this bear is alive. 1385 01:19:58,867 --> 01:20:03,736 And it seems to me that once the law devalues one kind of life, 1386 01:20:03,738 --> 01:20:06,338 how soon before it devalues another? 1387 01:20:06,340 --> 01:20:08,660 Who gets subjugated after the bear? 1388 01:20:09,775 --> 01:20:12,910 You're really smart, you know that? 1389 01:20:12,912 --> 01:20:17,247 How come you don't have a guy? Dude, have you seen the guys in Boston? 1390 01:20:17,249 --> 01:20:20,516 I'm supposed to date some pale, blotchy guy with a wife-beater under his Bruins jacket... 1391 01:20:20,518 --> 01:20:23,151 and a shamrock tattoo on his calf? 1392 01:20:23,153 --> 01:20:24,519 Nope. Yeah. That's... 1393 01:20:24,521 --> 01:20:26,854 That's so dumb. 1394 01:20:26,856 --> 01:20:28,689 I couldn't find any cans, 1395 01:20:28,691 --> 01:20:31,658 but I got to tell you, there's some awesome shit in that barn. 1396 01:20:31,660 --> 01:20:34,794 Take a look at this. I found a cowboy hat and a rifle and a guitar. 1397 01:20:34,796 --> 01:20:37,716 - Be careful with that, huh? - No, it's okay. It's not load... 1398 01:20:39,365 --> 01:20:41,445 And my fucking nose came off. 1399 01:20:42,801 --> 01:20:45,302 Geez, I wonder who this place belongs to. 1400 01:20:45,304 --> 01:20:46,936 Maybe we should find someplace else. 1401 01:20:46,938 --> 01:20:48,938 We're in the middle of nowhere. 1402 01:20:48,940 --> 01:20:51,540 If we get outta here by dawn, we should be fine, right? 1403 01:20:52,942 --> 01:20:54,943 You play the guitar? 1404 01:20:54,945 --> 01:20:57,945 A little bit. I learned when I was a kid. 1405 01:21:07,455 --> 01:21:10,590 Mean ol' moon 1406 01:21:10,592 --> 01:21:12,625 It must be fun 1407 01:21:14,260 --> 01:21:16,327 To shine upon me 1408 01:21:16,329 --> 01:21:19,430 As I come undone 1409 01:21:19,432 --> 01:21:23,200 Till I'm all alone 1410 01:21:23,202 --> 01:21:25,769 Beneath the sun 1411 01:21:25,771 --> 01:21:32,475 You mean ol' moon 1412 01:21:32,477 --> 01:21:35,444 With your beam 1413 01:21:35,446 --> 01:21:38,446 You led the way 1414 01:21:39,915 --> 01:21:41,916 And found me love 1415 01:21:41,918 --> 01:21:45,552 I thought was here to stay 1416 01:21:45,554 --> 01:21:51,523 Then you went and took my love away 1417 01:21:51,525 --> 01:21:56,961 You mean ol' moon 1418 01:21:57,929 --> 01:22:00,997 Oh, you mean ol' stars 1419 01:22:00,999 --> 01:22:04,433 Above 1420 01:22:04,435 --> 01:22:10,972 The games that you play with me 1421 01:22:10,974 --> 01:22:16,376 I could find some happiness 1422 01:22:17,611 --> 01:22:23,649 If all of my nights were cloudy 1423 01:22:23,651 --> 01:22:27,285 Mean ol' moon 1424 01:22:27,287 --> 01:22:30,988 I hope it's true 1425 01:22:30,990 --> 01:22:33,457 You're takin' all the light 1426 01:22:33,459 --> 01:22:36,626 That's left in you 1427 01:22:36,628 --> 01:22:39,495 And saving it up 1428 01:22:39,497 --> 01:22:43,031 For you-know-who 1429 01:22:43,033 --> 01:22:49,436 You mean ol' moon 1430 01:22:49,438 --> 01:22:56,609 You mean ol' moon 1431 01:23:14,460 --> 01:23:15,927 Yes! 1432 01:23:30,673 --> 01:23:32,640 All right, you got it. 1433 01:23:33,341 --> 01:23:34,908 You got it! 1434 01:23:34,910 --> 01:23:36,750 Come on. Put your legs into it. 1435 01:23:38,778 --> 01:23:41,446 - There you go! Nice job! - Jesus. 1436 01:23:41,448 --> 01:23:43,448 So, listen, I got to ask. 1437 01:23:43,450 --> 01:23:46,050 Was it just kissing last night, or was there finger stuff? 1438 01:23:59,530 --> 01:24:03,499 How far are we? I'd say we're about an hour outside the city. 1439 01:24:03,501 --> 01:24:06,802 Fantastic. So I'm one hour away from being a real person. 1440 01:24:06,804 --> 01:24:10,071 Hey! Who the fuck are you? 1441 01:24:10,073 --> 01:24:14,408 This is private property! Get the fuck out of the car! 1442 01:24:14,410 --> 01:24:15,842 Shit! Go, go, go! 1443 01:24:25,385 --> 01:24:26,817 Shit! 1444 01:24:29,453 --> 01:24:32,093 - Oh, God, I'm sorry! So sorry, pot! - I'm sorry, pot! 1445 01:24:39,828 --> 01:24:42,129 - What are you doing? - Saving the day! 1446 01:24:48,401 --> 01:24:49,667 There's the road! That way! Go! 1447 01:24:54,539 --> 01:24:57,300 - You gotta move! They're right on our ass! - I'm moving! 1448 01:25:02,045 --> 01:25:03,912 What the fuck, man! 1449 01:25:03,914 --> 01:25:05,780 - What? - Are you hard? 1450 01:25:05,782 --> 01:25:07,648 Yeah! This shit makes me hard! 1451 01:25:12,686 --> 01:25:15,020 Whoa! 1452 01:25:15,022 --> 01:25:17,662 - Holy shit! - Oh, my God! Are they okay? 1453 01:25:20,726 --> 01:25:24,046 They're fine. They look happy. They're waving at us. They're giving us the thumbs-up. 1454 01:25:30,467 --> 01:25:34,002 Man, we got a lot of pot in this car. I wish we could smoke it. 1455 01:25:34,004 --> 01:25:36,471 We're gonna smoke it, but just stuff it under the seat for now. 1456 01:25:36,473 --> 01:25:38,993 - We don't wanna go to jail. - Yeah, that's a good idea. 1457 01:25:55,454 --> 01:25:57,121 Oh, what the fuck? 1458 01:25:57,123 --> 01:26:01,058 What are you doing? Hashtag "My amazing summer." 1459 01:26:01,060 --> 01:26:02,859 Goddamn it! What the hell's wrong with you? 1460 01:26:02,861 --> 01:26:04,827 I fucking owe you, you bastard. 1461 01:26:04,829 --> 01:26:07,529 What do you mean? I was just messing around. Shut up and suck that dick. 1462 01:26:07,531 --> 01:26:08,897 Fuck you. 1463 01:26:11,968 --> 01:26:16,470 You high and mighty, bright and shiny, fabulous place 1464 01:26:16,472 --> 01:26:17,971 New York 1465 01:26:19,440 --> 01:26:21,607 New York, New York 1466 01:26:21,609 --> 01:26:23,709 You busy, dizzy, razzle-dazzle, scandalous place 1467 01:26:23,711 --> 01:26:25,210 New York 1468 01:26:33,518 --> 01:26:35,818 I love New York. 1469 01:26:35,820 --> 01:26:37,886 Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people. 1470 01:26:37,888 --> 01:26:39,988 Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York. 1471 01:26:39,990 --> 01:26:41,823 Hello, Jews! 1472 01:26:45,895 --> 01:26:48,962 New York, New York You busy, dizzy razzle-dazzle 1473 01:26:48,964 --> 01:26:50,630 Whoa! Watch it. 1474 01:26:50,632 --> 01:26:52,732 Jesus! Watch where you're going! 1475 01:26:52,734 --> 01:26:55,234 It's a crosswalk, jackass. We have the right of way. Yeah. 1476 01:26:55,236 --> 01:26:57,069 Whoa. 1477 01:26:57,071 --> 01:26:59,137 Hey, what the hell you doing walking around dressed like Star Wars? 1478 01:26:59,139 --> 01:27:02,540 It's Comic Con, you idiot. We're going to the Javits Center. 1479 01:27:02,542 --> 01:27:05,209 You're the idiots, 'cause you three guys would never be walking together. 1480 01:27:05,211 --> 01:27:07,911 Yeah, you're his boss, and you two guys are enemies. 1481 01:27:07,913 --> 01:27:09,712 Yeah, bite me, Captain Kirk! 1482 01:27:09,714 --> 01:27:11,647 Whoa, whoa. Hey! That's Star Trek. 1483 01:27:11,649 --> 01:27:14,549 - Yeah, that's two different franchises. - Sorry, guys. She doesn't know. 1484 01:27:14,551 --> 01:27:16,751 Nah, it's okay. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. 1485 01:27:17,619 --> 01:27:18,986 All right, let's go. 1486 01:27:20,188 --> 01:27:22,155 Oh, hey, come on. It's not worth it, man. 1487 01:27:22,157 --> 01:27:24,237 It's not worth it. It's not worth it. 1488 01:27:41,906 --> 01:27:44,741 This Patrick Meighan's got a classy setup, huh? 1489 01:27:44,743 --> 01:27:46,142 Mmm. 1490 01:27:50,514 --> 01:27:53,082 And there is our first impression. 1491 01:27:53,084 --> 01:27:55,818 Ms. Jackson? Mr. Meighan will see you now. 1492 01:27:55,820 --> 01:27:57,753 Oh! Okay. Thank you. 1493 01:28:03,259 --> 01:28:06,527 Ah. Ms. Jackson. Do come in. 1494 01:28:06,529 --> 01:28:08,896 Mr. Meighan, this is such an honor. 1495 01:28:08,898 --> 01:28:10,998 Thank you so much for meeting with us. 1496 01:28:11,000 --> 01:28:13,033 Not at all. It's my pleasure. Please, sit down. 1497 01:28:13,035 --> 01:28:16,636 - This office is fucking awesome. - Yeah, totally. 1498 01:28:16,638 --> 01:28:18,804 Hey, hey. You ever bring chicks up here? 1499 01:28:18,806 --> 01:28:20,906 What do you think? 1500 01:28:20,908 --> 01:28:23,975 I think I wanna sleep on a bed made of your voice. 1501 01:28:25,243 --> 01:28:27,577 I'll get right down to it. 1502 01:28:27,579 --> 01:28:29,299 I don't want to waste too much of your time. 1503 01:28:31,248 --> 01:28:33,983 Ted, I've been reviewing your file. 1504 01:28:33,985 --> 01:28:36,285 And while I'm sympathetic to your cause, 1505 01:28:36,287 --> 01:28:39,921 I'm sorry to say I won't be taking your case. 1506 01:28:39,923 --> 01:28:41,822 What? Why? Why not? 1507 01:28:41,824 --> 01:28:43,824 It comes down to this. 1508 01:28:46,260 --> 01:28:48,961 You want to be human in the eyes of the law. 1509 01:28:48,963 --> 01:28:51,930 That's a hard sell, even for me. 1510 01:28:51,932 --> 01:28:54,032 See, the important thing about being human... 1511 01:28:54,034 --> 01:28:57,201 is making a contribution to society. 1512 01:28:57,203 --> 01:28:59,336 Assisting in the betterment of your race. 1513 01:28:59,338 --> 01:29:01,338 You've done none of that. 1514 01:29:01,340 --> 01:29:03,573 I've read about your life. 1515 01:29:03,575 --> 01:29:06,976 The drugs, the parties, the prostitutes, the arrests. 1516 01:29:06,978 --> 01:29:09,078 Mr. Meighan, we've come a long way to meet you... 1517 01:29:09,080 --> 01:29:11,080 because you said that you could help us. 1518 01:29:11,082 --> 01:29:13,882 I said I would consider it. 1519 01:29:13,884 --> 01:29:16,618 And I have. 1520 01:29:16,620 --> 01:29:19,120 Ted, you're special. 1521 01:29:19,122 --> 01:29:21,755 You could've been an inspiration to the world. 1522 01:29:21,757 --> 01:29:24,924 Could've been a leader, a role model. 1523 01:29:24,926 --> 01:29:26,926 Instead you're... 1524 01:29:26,928 --> 01:29:28,594 Justin Bieber. 1525 01:29:28,596 --> 01:29:30,028 Fuck you! 1526 01:29:30,030 --> 01:29:31,763 - Hey, Ted, come on. - I'm sorry. 1527 01:29:31,765 --> 01:29:33,698 He doesn't mean that. Please forgive me. I'm sorry. 1528 01:29:33,700 --> 01:29:35,332 There's just no indication... 1529 01:29:35,334 --> 01:29:38,101 that you've had any positive effect on the world around you. 1530 01:29:38,103 --> 01:29:40,870 That's not true. He's had a positive effect on me. 1531 01:29:40,872 --> 01:29:43,772 Would that positive effect be your joint arrest... 1532 01:29:43,774 --> 01:29:46,307 for purchasing marijuana in 2003? 1533 01:29:46,309 --> 01:29:48,976 How the fuck do you prepare for a Foo Fighters concert? 1534 01:29:51,012 --> 01:29:52,879 You know why you lost this case? 1535 01:29:54,681 --> 01:29:56,815 It can't be argued by reason. 1536 01:29:56,817 --> 01:30:00,118 The precedent it sets would affect the public directly. 1537 01:30:00,120 --> 01:30:03,621 And unfortunately, the public doesn't judge by reason. 1538 01:30:03,623 --> 01:30:05,956 It judges by emotion, 1539 01:30:07,224 --> 01:30:10,226 and you can't appeal an emotional conviction. 1540 01:30:10,228 --> 01:30:13,895 Nonetheless, I wish you all the best in your efforts. 1541 01:30:16,298 --> 01:30:19,867 He needs help, and from what I know about you, 1542 01:30:19,869 --> 01:30:22,349 at one point in your career, that would've been enough. 1543 01:30:23,237 --> 01:30:27,039 I'm sorry you're not who I hoped you'd be. 1544 01:30:35,380 --> 01:30:37,460 Are those Tootsie Rolls just to take? 1545 01:30:39,282 --> 01:30:41,049 Those aren't supposed to be out. 1546 01:30:52,728 --> 01:30:55,129 So that's it. I'm property. 1547 01:30:55,131 --> 01:30:57,898 No rights, no nothing. 1548 01:30:57,900 --> 01:31:00,867 Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man. This completely sucks. 1549 01:31:00,869 --> 01:31:03,102 I feel terrible. 1550 01:31:03,104 --> 01:31:05,270 I let you guys down all over again. 1551 01:31:05,272 --> 01:31:07,305 Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam. 1552 01:31:07,307 --> 01:31:09,807 You did your best. 1553 01:31:09,809 --> 01:31:11,675 And, look, regardless of all this shit, 1554 01:31:11,677 --> 01:31:14,237 you're still the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. 1555 01:31:20,718 --> 01:31:22,452 Oh... Oh, that's great. That's fucking great. 1556 01:31:22,454 --> 01:31:23,953 I'm glad you guys are so happy! 1557 01:31:23,955 --> 01:31:25,921 - What? - What do you mean, "What?" 1558 01:31:25,923 --> 01:31:29,157 I'm totally screwed here, and you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer, 1559 01:31:29,159 --> 01:31:31,292 and she's probably still fucking billing us! 1560 01:31:31,294 --> 01:31:33,360 Don't yell at us, dude. We didn't do anything. 1561 01:31:33,362 --> 01:31:35,328 Yeah, exactly. Exactly. 1562 01:31:35,330 --> 01:31:38,264 Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other... 1563 01:31:38,266 --> 01:31:41,233 Sam could've won this thing, and I wouldn't be a fucking thing, 1564 01:31:41,235 --> 01:31:43,735 like garbage or a piece of shit. 1565 01:31:43,737 --> 01:31:46,137 We've been fighting right alongside you the whole way. 1566 01:31:46,139 --> 01:31:48,239 You're the one who's been pushing me to get back on the horse. 1567 01:31:48,241 --> 01:31:50,341 I finally meet someone, and you're giving me shit for it? 1568 01:31:50,343 --> 01:31:52,142 Oh, no. You're right. No, Johnny, it's fine. 1569 01:31:52,144 --> 01:31:53,843 You're right, it's fine. It's totally fine. 1570 01:31:53,845 --> 01:31:55,978 I got no job, no marriage and no life! 1571 01:31:55,980 --> 01:31:58,780 But you have fun porking Gollum here while I'm left with shit. 1572 01:31:58,782 --> 01:32:00,214 Ted! 1573 01:32:00,216 --> 01:32:02,082 Who's Gollum? She's a model. 1574 01:32:02,084 --> 01:32:04,818 - Ted, come back. - Leave me alone! 1575 01:32:04,820 --> 01:32:06,780 Ted! 1576 01:32:09,822 --> 01:32:11,489 Shit. 1577 01:32:22,066 --> 01:32:24,434 Whoa! Sorry, bro. 1578 01:33:02,005 --> 01:33:03,305 Hey, Ted! 1579 01:33:05,541 --> 01:33:08,009 - Guy? - I thought that was you. What's happening, man? 1580 01:33:08,011 --> 01:33:09,977 Hey, Rick! It is Ted. 1581 01:33:09,979 --> 01:33:11,511 Hey, how you doing? 1582 01:33:11,513 --> 01:33:13,513 - Hey, what's going on? - What are you doing here? 1583 01:33:13,515 --> 01:33:16,315 I just feel at home among the outcasts. 1584 01:33:16,317 --> 01:33:18,083 What are you guys doing here? 1585 01:33:18,085 --> 01:33:21,186 Rick and I, we just come here as a gag. 1586 01:33:21,188 --> 01:33:24,455 Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds. 1587 01:33:24,457 --> 01:33:27,858 Hey, spaz. Why don't you go get me some Big League Chew? 1588 01:33:27,860 --> 01:33:30,193 How about that, huh? 1589 01:33:32,830 --> 01:33:35,831 Uh-huh. All right. Well, good luck with your Dick, there. 1590 01:33:35,833 --> 01:33:37,833 Right on. You too, man. 1591 01:33:37,835 --> 01:33:41,035 Oh, goddamn it! That underwear had shit on it! 1592 01:33:48,509 --> 01:33:51,511 Yeah, I have a question for David Hasselhoff. Yes, sir. 1593 01:33:51,513 --> 01:33:55,281 Did you find it difficult as an actor playing opposite a car? 1594 01:33:55,283 --> 01:33:58,384 You know, that is a very good question. 1595 01:33:58,386 --> 01:34:03,321 As an actor, you rely on subtle facial changes and cues from your costars. 1596 01:34:03,323 --> 01:34:05,456 You don't get that with a car. 1597 01:34:05,458 --> 01:34:09,326 But after a while you get used to it. It becomes the norm. 1598 01:34:09,328 --> 01:34:11,194 Thank you. Thank you. 1599 01:34:11,196 --> 01:34:13,329 Uh, yeah, excuse me. I have a question. 1600 01:34:13,331 --> 01:34:17,333 Exactly how many beers did you have before you got naked with that hamburger? 1601 01:34:17,335 --> 01:34:19,468 You know, buddy, we all make mistakes. 1602 01:34:19,470 --> 01:34:22,404 That was a long time ago and I'm a different guy now. 1603 01:34:22,406 --> 01:34:24,539 Can I just jump in here for a second? 1604 01:34:24,541 --> 01:34:27,308 You're a real scumbag for asking that question. 1605 01:34:27,310 --> 01:34:30,577 - What? It's a fair question. - No, let me tell you something about this man... 1606 01:34:30,579 --> 01:34:32,979 KITT, it's all right. Just let it go. 1607 01:34:32,981 --> 01:34:35,348 No, I want him to hear this. Let me tell you something. 1608 01:34:35,350 --> 01:34:37,416 After the show ended, I got nothing but shit work. 1609 01:34:37,418 --> 01:34:40,185 I was playing snowplows, tractors. 1610 01:34:40,187 --> 01:34:43,321 I was even cast as a lawn mower. That was a real low point. 1611 01:34:43,323 --> 01:34:45,556 And this man sitting next to me, 1612 01:34:45,558 --> 01:34:49,192 at this very low point in my life, wrote me a check... 1613 01:34:49,194 --> 01:34:52,128 - Aw, come on, pal. - No, no, I want everyone to hear this! 1614 01:34:52,130 --> 01:34:54,430 Because you are a good man, David Hasselhoff. 1615 01:34:54,432 --> 01:34:58,367 You are a good man. You saved me with your generosity. 1616 01:34:58,369 --> 01:35:00,302 You are the most... 1617 01:35:00,304 --> 01:35:04,039 Oh, God. I'm s... I'm so sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional. 1618 01:35:04,041 --> 01:35:06,041 I just love you, buddy. 1619 01:35:06,043 --> 01:35:08,009 I just love you so much. 1620 01:35:08,011 --> 01:35:10,911 I love you so much. Oh, God. 1621 01:35:10,913 --> 01:35:14,281 I love you too, pal. I really do. I love you. 1622 01:35:14,283 --> 01:35:17,117 So, like, 25 beers or what? 1623 01:35:17,119 --> 01:35:20,320 - You piece of shit! Get out of here! - Whoa, man! What the fuck! 1624 01:35:20,322 --> 01:35:22,989 You are not fit to breathe the same air as this man! 1625 01:35:22,991 --> 01:35:24,890 - KITT, he's not worth it! - Get out of here! 1626 01:35:24,892 --> 01:35:27,592 What? He's a celebrity. His personal life is our business. 1627 01:35:27,594 --> 01:35:31,262 Get the fuck out, you piece of dog shit! I will run you down like roadkill! 1628 01:35:31,264 --> 01:35:35,232 - I don't have to take this shit from a fucking Pontiac. - Get out! Get the fuck out! 1629 01:35:35,234 --> 01:35:37,167 You're a psycho, dude. Seriously. You're a psycho. 1630 01:35:37,169 --> 01:35:38,649 - Get some therapy. - Get out! 1631 01:35:39,436 --> 01:35:41,503 Crazy son of a bitch. 1632 01:35:41,505 --> 01:35:44,005 Jesus Christ. 1633 01:35:44,007 --> 01:35:47,174 Hey. Are you Ted? 1634 01:35:47,176 --> 01:35:48,942 Uh, yeah. 1635 01:35:48,944 --> 01:35:51,678 This is so exciting! 1636 01:35:51,680 --> 01:35:54,414 I was such a big fan of yours in the early '90s. 1637 01:35:54,416 --> 01:35:57,316 Oh. Well, uh, thanks a lot. What's your name? 1638 01:35:57,318 --> 01:35:59,251 I'm Raphael. 1639 01:35:59,253 --> 01:36:01,152 Hey, do you think I could take a picture with you? 1640 01:36:01,154 --> 01:36:02,953 Uh, yeah. Yeah, no problem. 1641 01:36:02,955 --> 01:36:04,621 Great, great. Here, follow me. 1642 01:36:06,457 --> 01:36:09,992 Uh, okay, why are we doing this back here? You're a celebrity. 1643 01:36:09,994 --> 01:36:12,327 I just don't want you to get mobbed when people recognize you. 1644 01:36:12,329 --> 01:36:15,396 Yeah, that's true. I've been mistaken for an Ewok three times today. 1645 01:36:15,398 --> 01:36:17,638 All right, let's do this. 1646 01:36:20,701 --> 01:36:23,169 Holy shit! Donny! 1647 01:36:23,171 --> 01:36:26,238 It's so good to see you, Ted. 1648 01:36:26,240 --> 01:36:28,006 It's been some time, hasn't it? 1649 01:36:28,008 --> 01:36:30,328 What, you mean since you ripped me in half? 1650 01:36:31,443 --> 01:36:34,578 That wasn't supposed to happen. That was an accident. 1651 01:36:34,580 --> 01:36:37,447 I have some big plans for you, Ted. 1652 01:36:38,148 --> 01:36:39,948 Very big plans. 1653 01:36:39,950 --> 01:36:42,150 I need you to come with me now. 1654 01:36:42,152 --> 01:36:44,285 Go to hell! 1655 01:36:55,964 --> 01:36:58,465 Nice lunch, spaz. 1656 01:37:08,042 --> 01:37:10,042 Hey! What the hell? 1657 01:37:12,579 --> 01:37:15,414 He could be anywhere. We're not gonna find him. 1658 01:37:15,416 --> 01:37:17,115 We should just wait by the car. 1659 01:37:17,117 --> 01:37:18,716 What do you mean? We have to find him. 1660 01:37:18,718 --> 01:37:21,685 He's a teddy bear on his own in New York, for God's sakes. 1661 01:37:21,687 --> 01:37:25,455 Hello? 1662 01:37:25,457 --> 01:37:28,090 Johnny. Johnny, it's me. You got to help me. 1663 01:37:28,092 --> 01:37:30,225 Ted, where are you? Dude, we've been looking everywhere for you. 1664 01:37:30,227 --> 01:37:33,661 I'm at Comic Con. But, John, it's Donny. He's here. 1665 01:37:33,663 --> 01:37:35,295 He's after me. You got to get over here. 1666 01:37:35,297 --> 01:37:37,063 What the fuck? Did you just say Donny? 1667 01:37:37,065 --> 01:37:39,531 - John, what's going on? - Yes, it's him! He's... 1668 01:37:41,400 --> 01:37:42,532 Oh, shit! 1669 01:37:46,136 --> 01:37:48,070 Ted! Ted, hello? 1670 01:37:48,072 --> 01:37:50,138 What's the matter? Oh, my God. Déjà vu. 1671 01:37:50,140 --> 01:37:51,860 We got to get to Comic Con. Come on! 1672 01:37:56,243 --> 01:37:57,743 Get out of the way! 1673 01:38:09,688 --> 01:38:11,255 You know, 1674 01:38:12,423 --> 01:38:14,457 I really love that Neil Diamond, 1675 01:38:14,459 --> 01:38:18,494 especially that song they sing at the, uh... 1676 01:38:18,496 --> 01:38:20,329 At the Red Sox games. 1677 01:38:21,664 --> 01:38:23,631 It's just so infectious. 1678 01:38:23,633 --> 01:38:26,467 You just can't help but sing along. 1679 01:38:27,535 --> 01:38:29,536 Hands 1680 01:38:29,538 --> 01:38:32,705 Touching hands 1681 01:38:32,707 --> 01:38:35,774 Reaching out 1682 01:38:35,776 --> 01:38:38,810 Touching me 1683 01:38:38,812 --> 01:38:41,813 Touching you 1684 01:38:41,815 --> 01:38:45,616 Sweet Caroline 1685 01:38:45,618 --> 01:38:47,784 Ba, ba-ba! Fuck! 1686 01:38:47,786 --> 01:38:50,052 Crazy son of a bitch! 1687 01:38:54,090 --> 01:38:56,291 Hey! What are you doing to that bear? 1688 01:38:56,293 --> 01:38:58,259 I'm sorry. I, uh... 1689 01:38:58,261 --> 01:39:00,194 You better be planning on buying that. 1690 01:39:00,196 --> 01:39:03,630 He just reminds me of when I was a kid. Yeah, that's great. 1691 01:39:03,632 --> 01:39:05,832 Forty dollars. Okay. 1692 01:39:07,301 --> 01:39:09,502 I have $40 here. 1693 01:39:18,644 --> 01:39:20,177 You see him anywhere? 1694 01:39:20,179 --> 01:39:22,345 No. Let's try in there. 1695 01:39:25,115 --> 01:39:27,783 Hi. Have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear run through here? 1696 01:39:27,785 --> 01:39:29,518 Shh! They're about to announce the new Superman. 1697 01:39:29,520 --> 01:39:33,555 The new Superman is... Jonah Hill! 1698 01:39:33,557 --> 01:39:35,290 Fuck! 1699 01:39:35,292 --> 01:39:36,791 Who's Superman? What? 1700 01:39:36,793 --> 01:39:39,460 I'm just kidding. I'm fucking with you. Come on. 1701 01:39:39,462 --> 01:39:42,262 And if that is not big enough news, 1702 01:39:42,264 --> 01:39:45,298 Hasbro will be unveiling a brand-new line... 1703 01:39:45,300 --> 01:39:47,500 of Transformers merchandise next fall. 1704 01:39:47,502 --> 01:39:49,802 Yeah. Yeah. 1705 01:39:49,804 --> 01:39:52,437 - We've got a brand-new line of Decepticons... - Hey! 1706 01:39:52,439 --> 01:39:53,704 That is gonna be... Fresh cakes. 1707 01:39:53,706 --> 01:39:55,505 Fresh cakes. 1708 01:39:56,173 --> 01:39:57,840 Fresh cakes. 1709 01:40:00,343 --> 01:40:02,844 Comic Con fans, let's take a look at this thrilling sizzle reel... 1710 01:40:02,846 --> 01:40:04,846 with all of our exciting new toys. 1711 01:40:04,848 --> 01:40:07,648 Take a look. 1712 01:40:12,653 --> 01:40:15,287 Come on. There's an empty supply room downstairs. 1713 01:40:15,289 --> 01:40:19,157 Is that him? Yeah, there was an issue, so he's unconscious now, 1714 01:40:19,159 --> 01:40:20,658 but yeah, this is him. Jesus! 1715 01:40:20,660 --> 01:40:22,459 Why did you bring him here? 1716 01:40:22,461 --> 01:40:24,327 I've been following him around since yesterday. 1717 01:40:24,329 --> 01:40:26,362 This was the only chance I could get him alone. 1718 01:40:26,364 --> 01:40:28,731 I had to move fast. Hey, Ted! 1719 01:40:30,200 --> 01:40:31,767 Is that you? 1720 01:40:31,769 --> 01:40:33,835 Yeah, he had a little too much to drink. 1721 01:40:33,837 --> 01:40:37,271 He puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl in a stroller, 1722 01:40:37,273 --> 01:40:39,506 so we're gonna take him back and sober him up. 1723 01:40:39,508 --> 01:40:41,241 Aw, rock on, Ted. 1724 01:40:41,243 --> 01:40:42,809 Eff, yeah. 1725 01:40:42,811 --> 01:40:46,212 Hey, guys, be careful out there. Some nerd spilled his lunch. 1726 01:40:46,214 --> 01:40:49,694 Hey, watch that floor. Comes up fast, man. 1727 01:40:55,554 --> 01:40:57,755 Hey, Johnny. Guy? 1728 01:40:57,757 --> 01:41:00,424 Man, it's a goddamn party here today. 1729 01:41:00,426 --> 01:41:02,692 Hey, I remember you from the wedding. 1730 01:41:02,694 --> 01:41:04,727 You get a nose job? No. 1731 01:41:04,729 --> 01:41:06,762 Yes, you did, you fuckin' liar. 1732 01:41:06,764 --> 01:41:09,564 - Hey, we just ran into your buddy Ted. - Ted? Where is he? 1733 01:41:09,566 --> 01:41:12,833 He got a little wasted, so these two dudes took him out back to sober up. 1734 01:41:12,835 --> 01:41:14,534 - Did you see which way they went? - Yeah, yeah. 1735 01:41:14,536 --> 01:41:15,935 Back hallway, past the photo booth. 1736 01:41:15,937 --> 01:41:17,903 Come on! 1737 01:41:17,905 --> 01:41:19,504 Thirsty, Urkel? 1738 01:41:20,572 --> 01:41:22,406 Fuckin' love this place. 1739 01:41:31,215 --> 01:41:33,949 What the fuck? What the fuck's going on here? 1740 01:41:33,951 --> 01:41:37,719 - Who the hell are you? - He really is extraordinary, isn't he? 1741 01:41:37,721 --> 01:41:40,254 You son of a bitch. This is kidnapping. 1742 01:41:40,256 --> 01:41:42,422 No, it's not. 1743 01:41:42,424 --> 01:41:44,424 Kidnapping only applies to people. 1744 01:41:44,426 --> 01:41:46,692 And you, Ted, you're property. 1745 01:41:46,694 --> 01:41:48,694 Yeah, so is that fucking hairpiece! 1746 01:41:52,365 --> 01:41:53,965 What do you say there? Happy face. 1747 01:41:53,967 --> 01:41:55,700 - Right there. - "Death to Ming." Yeah. 1748 01:41:55,702 --> 01:41:57,468 Come on. All right. 1749 01:41:57,470 --> 01:41:59,269 Happy guy. 1750 01:41:59,271 --> 01:42:02,751 Right there. "Death to Ming." Good, yeah. 1751 01:42:03,840 --> 01:42:06,474 Hey, Bennett! 1752 01:42:06,476 --> 01:42:07,908 Oh, shit. 1753 01:42:07,910 --> 01:42:11,244 You messed up my car. What the hell is wrong with you? 1754 01:42:11,246 --> 01:42:13,613 Look, Sam, this is a really bad time, all right? Something happened to Ted. 1755 01:42:13,615 --> 01:42:17,216 But it was a good time for you to vandalize my Chrysler though. 1756 01:42:17,218 --> 01:42:18,917 Hey, fuck your Chrysler! 1757 01:42:28,359 --> 01:42:29,992 Holy shit! 1758 01:42:29,994 --> 01:42:31,560 Look, Donny. Donny! You don't wanna do this. 1759 01:42:31,562 --> 01:42:34,429 Okay? Think about what happened at Fenway. 1760 01:42:34,431 --> 01:42:36,330 You remember? You cut me open, that's it. 1761 01:42:36,332 --> 01:42:37,864 I'm gone, dead. 1762 01:42:37,866 --> 01:42:39,699 Just a regular old teddy bear. 1763 01:42:39,701 --> 01:42:41,867 I won't be any fun then, will I? 1764 01:42:41,869 --> 01:42:43,902 This isn't about you, Ted. 1765 01:42:43,904 --> 01:42:45,970 You're only one bear. 1766 01:42:45,972 --> 01:42:47,805 We're gonna figure out what makes you real, 1767 01:42:47,807 --> 01:42:49,473 and then we're gonna make millions of Teds... 1768 01:42:49,475 --> 01:42:51,408 One for every child in the world. 1769 01:42:52,009 --> 01:42:53,609 One for me. 1770 01:42:55,812 --> 01:42:58,513 One that loves me just as much as you love John. 1771 01:42:58,515 --> 01:43:01,516 Look, Donny, I can never love you. 1772 01:43:01,518 --> 01:43:04,352 God, that sounds fucked up. Listen, I don't wanna die. 1773 01:43:04,354 --> 01:43:07,688 Okay? So what if I gave you a hand job outside your pants... 1774 01:43:07,690 --> 01:43:09,022 while you ate an ice cream? 1775 01:43:11,759 --> 01:43:13,726 I'll give you a minute. 1776 01:43:19,600 --> 01:43:21,299 Come here! 1777 01:43:54,829 --> 01:43:56,663 Hey, check it out. Nerd fight. 1778 01:43:56,665 --> 01:43:58,798 Yeah! 1779 01:44:01,901 --> 01:44:03,735 Whoo! 1780 01:44:09,441 --> 01:44:10,774 Come here. 1781 01:44:12,910 --> 01:44:14,944 Yeah! 1782 01:44:16,947 --> 01:44:18,547 Come on. 1783 01:44:24,486 --> 01:44:26,653 I'll see you in heaven, Ted. 1784 01:44:33,759 --> 01:44:34,992 Ted! 1785 01:44:34,994 --> 01:44:37,060 Johnny! Who the hell are you? 1786 01:44:37,062 --> 01:44:39,729 Get away from him, you bastard! 1787 01:44:39,731 --> 01:44:41,931 - Ted, you okay, buddy? - Johnny, thank God! 1788 01:44:41,933 --> 01:44:44,400 - I'm out. - Wait, Mr. Jessup, please don't go. 1789 01:44:44,402 --> 01:44:46,502 - Come on. We can still do this. - You're on your own, Danny. 1790 01:44:46,504 --> 01:44:48,403 I can't be implicated in any of this. 1791 01:44:48,405 --> 01:44:51,485 - Wait, wait, wait. Who are you? - I work for Mattel. 1792 01:44:52,740 --> 01:44:54,574 You piece of shit. 1793 01:44:54,576 --> 01:44:56,609 Killing him at Fenway Park wasn't enough for you, huh? 1794 01:44:56,611 --> 01:44:58,677 Huh? What do you wanna do now? 1795 01:44:58,679 --> 01:45:00,912 You don't deserve him, John. You never did. 1796 01:45:00,914 --> 01:45:02,413 You never did! 1797 01:45:02,415 --> 01:45:04,348 I've been wanting to do this for a long time. 1798 01:45:05,917 --> 01:45:07,751 Aha! I fucking knew it. 1799 01:45:08,819 --> 01:45:10,085 Come on. 1800 01:45:22,464 --> 01:45:25,365 Listen, Johnny, I wanna tell you how sorry I am. 1801 01:45:25,367 --> 01:45:26,999 Oh, no, forget it, buddy. 1802 01:45:27,001 --> 01:45:28,934 Look, Teddy, you were upset, and I shouldn't have brushed it off. 1803 01:45:28,936 --> 01:45:30,568 I'm so sorry. No, listen to me. 1804 01:45:30,570 --> 01:45:33,037 Just listen to me. You too, Sam. 1805 01:45:33,039 --> 01:45:35,372 I acted like an asshole. 1806 01:45:35,374 --> 01:45:39,042 All right? I was just hurting 'cause I knew I'd lost. 1807 01:45:39,044 --> 01:45:43,813 And that, in the eyes of the world, I'll always be property. 1808 01:45:43,815 --> 01:45:46,448 But you know what? Who gives a shit? 1809 01:45:46,450 --> 01:45:48,483 Right? It doesn't matter what the world calls me. 1810 01:45:48,485 --> 01:45:50,418 I know who I am. 1811 01:45:50,420 --> 01:45:52,653 And that's all that's important. 1812 01:45:52,655 --> 01:45:54,921 And I know who my friends are. 1813 01:45:54,923 --> 01:45:56,622 And honest to God, 1814 01:45:56,624 --> 01:46:00,058 if you two wanna be together, nothing would make me happier. 1815 01:46:00,060 --> 01:46:02,393 Oh, buddy, I love you for that. Thanks, Ted. 1816 01:46:02,395 --> 01:46:03,894 That means a lot. 1817 01:46:05,796 --> 01:46:08,931 And for what it's worth, as far as I'm concerned, 1818 01:46:08,933 --> 01:46:10,866 you're a person. 1819 01:46:10,868 --> 01:46:13,735 As much as anybody I've ever known. 1820 01:46:13,737 --> 01:46:18,406 Aw, Sam, that means the world coming from someone who went to Arizona State. 1821 01:46:34,722 --> 01:46:35,822 Ted! 1822 01:46:44,896 --> 01:46:46,496 Holy shit! Johnny! 1823 01:46:46,498 --> 01:46:48,698 Oh, my God. John! Johnny! 1824 01:46:48,700 --> 01:46:50,466 - Aw, Jesus! - Are you okay? 1825 01:46:50,468 --> 01:46:52,134 - Johnny, you all right? - Shit. 1826 01:46:52,136 --> 01:46:53,668 John, hey. Oh, my God. 1827 01:46:53,670 --> 01:46:56,537 - Jesus, what happened here? - The rocket ship hit him. 1828 01:46:56,539 --> 01:46:58,205 Jesus Christ, that's the starship Enterprise. 1829 01:46:58,207 --> 01:47:00,473 Forget it. Somebody call 911! 1830 01:47:00,475 --> 01:47:02,541 Johnny? John, come on. Stay with me, pal. 1831 01:47:02,543 --> 01:47:04,776 We need an ambulance at 655 West 34th. 1832 01:47:04,778 --> 01:47:06,811 - How the hell did it fall? - I don't know! 1833 01:47:10,482 --> 01:47:13,750 It was him! The guy dressed like the Ninja Turtle! 1834 01:47:17,988 --> 01:47:19,888 - Which one? - All right. 1835 01:47:19,890 --> 01:47:22,757 Two can play this Where's Waldo? shit, you son of a bitch. 1836 01:47:22,759 --> 01:47:24,625 Sam, give me your phone. 1837 01:47:33,968 --> 01:47:36,669 I think we're alone now 1838 01:47:36,671 --> 01:47:41,240 There doesn't seem to be anyone around 1839 01:47:41,242 --> 01:47:44,543 I think we're alone now 1840 01:47:44,545 --> 01:47:46,044 - That's him. - The beating of our hearts 1841 01:47:46,046 --> 01:47:47,845 Is the only sound 1842 01:47:49,514 --> 01:47:52,081 Get off me! Get off me! 1843 01:47:54,684 --> 01:47:56,985 Johnny? Johnny, come on. 1844 01:47:58,120 --> 01:47:59,720 Johnny, you gotta wake up, pal. 1845 01:47:59,722 --> 01:48:01,221 Johnny, wake up! 1846 01:48:02,223 --> 01:48:04,591 Wake up, Johnny. 1847 01:48:04,593 --> 01:48:06,125 Johnny... 1848 01:48:06,127 --> 01:48:07,726 Johnny, wake up! 1849 01:48:08,861 --> 01:48:10,561 Johnny, wake up. 1850 01:48:56,103 --> 01:48:58,938 Hi. How is he? Is he gonna come out of it? 1851 01:48:58,940 --> 01:49:00,806 I don't know, Ms. Jackson. 1852 01:49:00,808 --> 01:49:04,009 We've done everything we can, and it's all up to him now. 1853 01:49:14,653 --> 01:49:17,721 John, please wake up. 1854 01:49:26,863 --> 01:49:28,663 - Somebody help! - Oh, my God, John. 1855 01:49:28,665 --> 01:49:30,131 - John? Johnny? - Hello? 1856 01:49:30,133 --> 01:49:31,866 There's something happening. 1857 01:49:31,868 --> 01:49:33,601 Mr. Bennett? 1858 01:49:33,603 --> 01:49:34,868 - Something's wrong. - What's happening to him? 1859 01:49:34,870 --> 01:49:37,270 - Mr. Bennett? - John? 1860 01:49:37,272 --> 01:49:39,572 We have a Code Blue in Room 134! 1861 01:49:39,574 --> 01:49:41,740 - What does that mean? - I'm sorry. You have to wait outside. 1862 01:49:41,742 --> 01:49:43,708 - What the hell's going on? - The doctors will do everything they can, 1863 01:49:43,710 --> 01:49:45,743 but I need you to go to the waiting area now, please. 1864 01:49:45,745 --> 01:49:48,178 Excuse me. Excuse me. What's the status? 1865 01:49:48,180 --> 01:49:50,146 He was stable a minute ago, and now he's unresponsive. 1866 01:49:50,148 --> 01:49:52,181 The monitor says he's in asystole. He's not breathing, no pulse. 1867 01:49:52,183 --> 01:49:54,016 Start compressions. Prepare to intubate. 1868 01:49:54,018 --> 01:49:56,058 Give him a milligram of epinephrine. 1869 01:50:25,280 --> 01:50:27,914 I'm sorry. Um... 1870 01:50:27,916 --> 01:50:29,615 He didn't make it. 1871 01:50:31,217 --> 01:50:34,318 What? 1872 01:50:35,787 --> 01:50:37,621 Johnny. 1873 01:50:37,623 --> 01:50:41,391 If you'd like, you can go in and say your good-byes. 1874 01:51:21,030 --> 01:51:22,730 Aw, Johnny. 1875 01:51:25,066 --> 01:51:26,966 You were my thunder buddy. 1876 01:51:29,436 --> 01:51:31,703 You were my thunder buddy for life. 1877 01:51:34,306 --> 01:51:37,741 And you gave up your own life to save mine. 1878 01:51:40,177 --> 01:51:42,744 The only problem is, 1879 01:51:45,414 --> 01:51:48,449 I don't know how my life works without you. 1880 01:51:52,787 --> 01:51:54,254 Good-bye, John. 1881 01:51:57,691 --> 01:52:00,793 I got you, motherfucker! 1882 01:52:00,795 --> 01:52:03,962 Holy shit! He's a zombie! He's a fucking zombie! 1883 01:52:03,964 --> 01:52:05,430 I totally fucking got you. 1884 01:52:05,432 --> 01:52:07,465 Holy shit! 1885 01:52:07,467 --> 01:52:09,900 You should have seen your fucking face. 1886 01:52:09,902 --> 01:52:12,869 - You son of a bitch! - That was fucking classic. 1887 01:52:12,871 --> 01:52:15,104 Wait, wait, wait. This is payback because I made you think... 1888 01:52:15,106 --> 01:52:17,072 - that I was retarded. - You made me think you were retarded! 1889 01:52:17,074 --> 01:52:21,242 Oh, well done! Well done, man. High five. High five. 1890 01:52:21,244 --> 01:52:23,711 What the fuck is going on? 1891 01:52:23,713 --> 01:52:27,881 What's going on, is this guy just won the bullshit comedy blue ribbon. 1892 01:52:27,883 --> 01:52:30,283 You are the fucking greatest, man. Holy shit! 1893 01:52:30,285 --> 01:52:32,752 Wait, wait. How was the doctor in on it? 1894 01:52:32,754 --> 01:52:34,754 They got me out of it with the paddles. I was totally fine. 1895 01:52:34,756 --> 01:52:36,222 I talked him into going along with the bit. 1896 01:52:36,224 --> 01:52:38,157 Hey, Doc, it worked out hilarious. Thanks. 1897 01:52:38,159 --> 01:52:40,425 No problem. We're a fun hospital. 1898 01:52:40,427 --> 01:52:44,061 You asshole! You think this shit is funny? 1899 01:52:44,063 --> 01:52:49,966 I put a frowny face on Facebook. How am I supposed to explain that to everybody? 1900 01:52:49,968 --> 01:52:54,770 You could change your relationship status from "single" to "it's complicated." 1901 01:52:54,772 --> 01:52:56,838 You're gonna have to do a lot better than that. 1902 01:52:56,840 --> 01:53:00,007 How about... 1903 01:53:00,009 --> 01:53:02,109 "In a relationship with John Bennett"? 1904 01:53:02,111 --> 01:53:06,012 Well, we'll have to talk about that. 1905 01:53:11,017 --> 01:53:12,450 Okay, well, good talk. 1906 01:53:18,155 --> 01:53:21,157 Hey, if you guys wanna bang, me and Teddy can totally leave the room. 1907 01:53:21,159 --> 01:53:23,125 No, no, honey, honey. They're classy. They're not like us. 1908 01:53:23,127 --> 01:53:25,093 They're good people. 1909 01:53:25,095 --> 01:53:28,296 I'm happy to see everyone has made a full recovery. 1910 01:53:28,298 --> 01:53:30,398 Mr. Meighan. What the hell? Shit! 1911 01:53:30,400 --> 01:53:33,300 - Is it all right if I come in? - Sure, yeah. 1912 01:53:35,102 --> 01:53:38,471 - How are you feeling, John? - I'm alive. 1913 01:53:38,473 --> 01:53:42,174 You're very lucky. I saw what you did on TV. 1914 01:53:42,176 --> 01:53:44,409 Yeah, he saved my ass is what he did. 1915 01:53:44,411 --> 01:53:47,545 You know why? Because he's a person. 1916 01:53:47,547 --> 01:53:50,347 And no matter how many of you smart-ass Harvard lawyers try to keep him down... 1917 01:53:50,349 --> 01:53:53,383 you're not gonna change that... Not in our eyes. 1918 01:53:53,385 --> 01:53:56,385 Ted is real. So you can go fuck yourself. 1919 01:53:57,354 --> 01:53:59,355 I will. 1920 01:53:59,357 --> 01:54:02,057 And as soon as I'm done fucking myself, 1921 01:54:02,059 --> 01:54:04,192 I'd like to take your case, Ted. 1922 01:54:04,194 --> 01:54:05,960 What? Seriously? 1923 01:54:05,962 --> 01:54:07,261 Oh, my God! You heard that? 1924 01:54:07,263 --> 01:54:09,363 - Oh, my gosh! - I don't believe it! 1925 01:54:09,365 --> 01:54:11,932 Maybe we don't want you now. 1926 01:54:11,934 --> 01:54:14,200 - Shut up. - No, yeah, we want you. For sure, we want you. 1927 01:54:14,202 --> 01:54:16,135 What made you change your mind? 1928 01:54:16,137 --> 01:54:18,403 When I saw what John did for you... 1929 01:54:18,405 --> 01:54:22,006 That he was willing to give his life for yours... 1930 01:54:22,008 --> 01:54:24,575 It gave me a kick in the ass. 1931 01:54:24,577 --> 01:54:28,579 Reminded me of why I chose to do the kind of work I do. 1932 01:54:28,581 --> 01:54:30,981 I'm sorry I turned you away. 1933 01:54:30,983 --> 01:54:32,449 I was wrong. 1934 01:54:32,451 --> 01:54:34,984 As far as I'm concerned, 1935 01:54:34,986 --> 01:54:39,388 anyone who can inspire that kind of love in another person... 1936 01:54:39,390 --> 01:54:41,189 deserves to be called human. 1937 01:54:41,191 --> 01:54:43,324 Oh, you mean it? 1938 01:54:43,326 --> 01:54:45,826 I certainly do. 1939 01:54:45,828 --> 01:54:48,495 So, shall we get started? 1940 01:54:58,972 --> 01:55:01,406 What defines a person? 1941 01:55:03,308 --> 01:55:05,275 What defines property? 1942 01:55:06,277 --> 01:55:08,077 What's the difference? 1943 01:55:09,846 --> 01:55:14,149 The anthropologist and ethicist Dawn Prince-Hughes... 1944 01:55:14,151 --> 01:55:16,417 argues that the standards for personhood... 1945 01:55:16,419 --> 01:55:19,620 include self-awareness, 1946 01:55:19,622 --> 01:55:23,290 an ability to understand complex emotions... 1947 01:55:23,292 --> 01:55:26,293 and a capacity for empathy. 1948 01:55:27,628 --> 01:55:33,299 We're all in agreement that Ted is self-aware. 1949 01:55:34,534 --> 01:55:36,468 What is your name? 1950 01:55:36,470 --> 01:55:38,470 Ted Clubber Lang. 1951 01:55:43,108 --> 01:55:47,244 As for complex emotions and the capacity for empathy, 1952 01:55:47,246 --> 01:55:49,546 we all saw the distressing images... 1953 01:55:49,548 --> 01:55:53,650 of Ted agonizing over his fallen friend, John Bennett. 1954 01:55:53,652 --> 01:55:56,185 In those images, 1955 01:55:56,187 --> 01:56:01,589 Ted exhibits all of the remaining qualities... of personhood. 1956 01:56:03,358 --> 01:56:05,625 It's right there for anyone to see. 1957 01:56:07,227 --> 01:56:11,897 And I believe that a just court must, by definition, 1958 01:56:11,899 --> 01:56:17,335 grant basic human rights to all those who deserve them, 1959 01:56:17,337 --> 01:56:20,304 just as the Emancipation Proclamation... 1960 01:56:20,306 --> 01:56:23,673 and the Thirteenth Amendment did so many years ago. 1961 01:56:26,476 --> 01:56:28,976 So, ladies and gentlemen of the court, 1962 01:56:31,145 --> 01:56:33,079 I invite you... 1963 01:56:34,481 --> 01:56:36,448 to change the world. 1964 01:56:56,101 --> 01:56:59,403 Well, Johnny, this is the second time you've made me real. 1965 01:56:59,405 --> 01:57:01,304 Thanks, pal. 1966 01:57:01,306 --> 01:57:04,540 Hey, you were always real to me, buddy, even when you weren't. 1967 01:57:04,542 --> 01:57:06,108 Congratulations, Ted. 1968 01:57:06,110 --> 01:57:07,409 Thanks, Sam. 1969 01:57:11,614 --> 01:57:13,774 Ted, over here! Ted! 1970 01:57:15,317 --> 01:57:17,551 This is quite a victory for you. 1971 01:57:17,553 --> 01:57:19,386 Is there any statement that you'd like to make, 1972 01:57:19,388 --> 01:57:21,054 now that you're legally a person? 1973 01:57:21,056 --> 01:57:23,122 Yes, there is. 1974 01:57:25,391 --> 01:57:27,058 Tami-Lynn McCafferty, 1975 01:57:27,060 --> 01:57:28,626 will you marry me? 1976 01:57:30,028 --> 01:57:32,229 Yes. 1977 01:57:37,468 --> 01:57:40,203 And so our story comes to an end. 1978 01:57:40,205 --> 01:57:43,406 Ted and Tami-Lynn were married once again, 1979 01:57:43,408 --> 01:57:48,377 and soon afterward, they adopted a fine, young baby boy. 1980 01:57:48,379 --> 01:57:50,545 Johnny, meet your new godson, 1981 01:57:50,547 --> 01:57:52,513 Apollo Creed Clubber Lang. 1982 01:57:52,515 --> 01:57:54,681 Teddy, he's adorable. 1983 01:57:54,683 --> 01:57:57,250 Oh, and we got something for him too. John, show him. 1984 01:57:57,252 --> 01:57:58,985 Oh, shit, yeah. 1985 01:57:58,987 --> 01:58:01,053 - Hold on. - He got you something. 1986 01:58:01,055 --> 01:58:03,288 Aww! Huh? 1987 01:58:03,290 --> 01:58:04,989 Oh, Johnny! 1988 01:58:04,991 --> 01:58:07,191 Johnny, it's perfect. 1989 01:58:07,193 --> 01:58:11,361 Hey, you know, maybe someday, if you wish hard enough, maybe he'll come to life, 1990 01:58:11,363 --> 01:58:13,629 and you guys can do all kinds of drugs together. 1991 01:58:13,631 --> 01:58:15,464 That's all I want for him. 1992 01:58:15,466 --> 01:58:19,201 Oh! It smells like somebody's got a poopy diaper. 1993 01:58:19,203 --> 01:58:21,203 Teddy, it's your turn to change him. 1994 01:58:21,205 --> 01:58:22,404 Yeah, no problem. 1995 01:58:23,472 --> 01:58:25,339 Aw, fuck me! 1996 01:58:25,341 --> 01:58:27,240 What's the matter? That can't be normal. 1997 01:58:27,242 --> 01:58:29,775 He's got to be sick. He's not sick. It's just baby doody. 1998 01:58:29,777 --> 01:58:31,443 Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy. 1999 01:58:31,445 --> 01:58:33,344 You don't think this diaper's gross? No. 2000 01:58:33,346 --> 01:58:35,012 All right, here. Catch. 2001 01:58:35,014 --> 01:58:37,714 Teddy, what the fuck? Holy shit! 2002 01:58:37,716 --> 01:58:40,383 You motherfucker! 2003 01:58:40,385 --> 01:58:43,119 Hashtag "Shit happens." 2004 02:02:26,407 --> 02:02:28,741 Mean ol' moon 2005 02:02:28,743 --> 02:02:32,778 It must be fun 2006 02:02:32,780 --> 02:02:35,347 To shine upon me 2007 02:02:35,349 --> 02:02:38,817 As I come undone 2008 02:02:38,819 --> 02:02:41,653 Till I'm all alone 2009 02:02:41,655 --> 02:02:44,689 Beneath the sun 2010 02:02:44,691 --> 02:02:49,559 You mean ol' moon 2011 02:02:51,795 --> 02:02:54,396 With your beam 2012 02:02:54,398 --> 02:02:56,898 You led the way 2013 02:02:58,567 --> 02:03:04,771 And found me love I thought was here to stay 2014 02:03:04,773 --> 02:03:10,443 Then you went and took my love away 2015 02:03:10,445 --> 02:03:16,014 You mean ol' moon 2016 02:03:16,016 --> 02:03:21,886 Oh, you mean ol' stars above 2017 02:03:23,421 --> 02:03:28,424 The games that you play with me 2018 02:03:30,460 --> 02:03:34,395 I could find some happiness 2019 02:03:35,897 --> 02:03:42,836 If all of my nights were cloudy 2020 02:03:42,838 --> 02:03:45,572 Mean ol' moon 2021 02:03:45,574 --> 02:03:47,941 I hope it's true 2022 02:03:49,610 --> 02:03:54,847 You're taking all the light that's left in you 2023 02:03:54,849 --> 02:03:58,417 And savin' it up 2024 02:03:58,419 --> 02:04:01,486 For you-know-who 2025 02:04:01,488 --> 02:04:07,624 You mean ol' moon 2026 02:04:36,753 --> 02:04:39,888 Mean ol' moon 2027 02:04:39,890 --> 02:04:43,925 I hope it's true 2028 02:04:43,927 --> 02:04:49,363 You're taking all the light that's left in you 2029 02:04:49,365 --> 02:04:52,632 And saving it up 2030 02:04:52,634 --> 02:04:55,835 For you-know-who 2031 02:04:55,837 --> 02:04:58,037 You mean 2032 02:04:58,039 --> 02:05:01,473 Ol' moon 2033 02:05:01,475 --> 02:05:04,375 Oh, you mean 2034 02:05:04,377 --> 02:05:09,113 Ol' moon 162637