All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S03E09.The.Affair.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-NTb

- John, do you have
the car keys?

- Do I have the car keys?
No. No.

But according
to the sign-out sheet,

I was the last person
to use the car.

- Well, that's not very
helpful, John.

You're the only one using
the sign-out sheet.

- Well, that's not true.

Stevie's got her name
on the sheet.

Wait a minute, why is Stevies
name on the sheet?

She's got her own car.

- David! Do you know
where the car keys are?

- Yeah, I have them.

- Oh, well, then why isn't your
name on the sign-out sheet.

- Because you're the only one
using that sign-out sheet.

- David, I need the car keys,

your father is driving me
to Thornbridge.

- I'm driving you
to Thornbridge?

- To that municipalities
conference. Yes.

- I thought Roland
offered to drive you.

- Oh, he did. But no thanks.

I can't take four hours
in the truck with Roland

and Lynyrd Skynyrd.

- Okay, Alexis and I need
the car,

we're running some errands
for the store today.

- Um, since when?

- Uh, since I need help
for a pick-up.

And mom clearly already
has a lift,

and I'm pretty sure parents
are supposed to

put their children
before themselves.

- Oh really? No.

If airplane safety videos have
taught me anything, David,

it's that a mother
puts her own mask on first.

- Ah, see, and that's precisely
why we have the sign-out sheet.

For this kind of dispute.

- Okay. Fine.

Now my name is on the list.

And there's a sheep farm that's
expecting us in 20 minutes

for a pick-up of wool throws.

- No, no, no. No, no.

Your mother already expressed
a verbal intention

to use the car.

- Okay, we're gonna have
the car back in a few hours.

- Okay. Well, I might need it
for a few hours

after that though.

Fine, we'll just keep it
for the day.

- John!

- You people are abusing
the system.

It's not a difficult system.

Moira, look at this.

Under purpose of trip
he writes "driving."

♪ ♪

(Low hum of chatter)

(Phone rings)

- Whoa, hold it right there.

I want to see the look
on your face

when you walk into your first
regional association

of municipalities conference.

And there it is.

Ah, name tags.

Let's get suited up.

- Thank you but no, Roland.

I won't wear anything
with an adhesive backing.

- Ah-ha.

Oh, hey, Moira, look over there.

You see that guy over there?
The well dressed one?

That's Gavin Mccrae.

Mayor of Thornbridge.

- Hm. You mean the one serving
drinks to the other people?

- Okay. Maybe he's the other
guy over there.

Also very well dressed.

- Well, now you've identified
the catering staff.

- (Chuckles)

Moira please, this is RAMC.

These are the people

with their fingers on
the button of everything

from road salting to
quarry inspection to...

water tower repair.
- Hmm.

- I mean, it's really
kinda scary

that we're all in here
under one roof.

Oh, it's frightening. Yes.

- Yeah. Well, I'm gonna need
you in there,

by my side when we make
this budget pitch.

- You don't have to worry
about me, Roland.

If there is anyone at this
fabulous little confab

who know how to work a room
of fragile egos, it's me.

I once hosted
the non-televised portion

of the People Choice Awards.

♪ ♪

- This is a actually
a great idea, David.

Consolidating all of your
products under one label

instills brand recognition
and create synergy.

- Um, I'm sure you're very
excited

about all the new words
you're learning

in your high school intro
to business course,

but I think a more effective
use of your time right now,

would be to go
and get the hand cream

that I asked you to get
ten minutes ago.

- I got the hand cream.

- Yeah. The box of hand cream.

I asked you to get the box
of hand cream,

not sample the hand cream.

- That's like 53 pounds.

- Why are you here?

- You know what I think
would be really cute

is if I had my own little
label, like, under your label.

- Yeah...
- I can sell festival wear,

I can sell like hair feathers
and body jewelry...

David.

(Door opens)

- Wow, things are really
coming together in here.

- Oh, um, we're actually
not open yet.

But that's so sweet.
Thank you.

We've been working very hard.

- Well, I'm actually not here
to shop.

I'm-I'm Patrick.

I'm just dropping off David's
business license.

- Oh, isn't that
just the cutest thing.

Um, David's in the back.

But I'm Alexis,

and I'm currently
studying business

and I'm David's sister
and life coach so.

- Well, it's great
to meet you, Alexis.

- Uh, I'm sorry if my hands
are too soft.

I've just been sampling
a lot of product.

So... really soft.

- They are.

Reporter: Excuse me, Mrs. Rose,

if I may, just a couple
of questions.

Were you surprised to secure
such a big funding boost

for the municipalities?

That was quite the speech.

- Oh... Thank you. Thank you.

(Laughs)
What did I do?

Well, I was simply channeled
someone who cares,

but if you insist on referring
to me as the linchpin.

I'll take that.

That's right. We're...

We're just a couple
linchpins here.

I'm Roland Schitt,
Moira's boss--

- Yes, I'll I'm the ingenue
here.

A total babe
in the political woods.

- That's true. You know,
this is her first RAMC.

But I think under my wing,
she's-she's learning to fly.

I've been mayor for ten years and I did--
- Thank you.

- Okay, we'll talk when
you have more time do--

- There she is!
The woman of the hour!

- Oh my God, now they're
crowning me with titles.

- Join us for drinks
in the diamond club.

- The diamond club?

Hm. That sounds grand.

- It's the hotel bar.

They have a special RAMC
cocktail.

It's a sparkling white Russian.

The trick is to get it down
before it curdles.

- As appealing as you make
that sounds, Roland,

I think I'll just go
to my room.

- Oh Come on!

Look, I never get this
kind of...

I mean, our town doesn't get
recognized like this very often

and this time it's for
something really positive.

- Okay. One drink.

This means a lot to you,
doesn't it?

- Yes, and to you.

(Buzz of chatter getting louder)

(Chanting) Moira! Moira! Moira!

- Isn't it so soft?
- It is.

Whoa, might be tying it
a little too tight there.

- Uh, that is actually
cat hair.

There's a Himalayan breeder
up the street

that knits them for us. Hi.

- Hi. I'm just dropping off
your business license.

And activating my allergies.

- Oh, In that case you should
probably take that off.

Yeah. Like now!
- Oh. Oh!

- Isn't that the sweet thing,
that he framed it.

- Um. It is very sweet.

Thank you, Patrick.

- Actually, they...
they all come framed.

- Okay, thank God.

Because I was just thinking
that this frame

is a little too corporate
for my brand.

- David, I was just about
to sample

the unisex Mennonite cologne
on Patrick.

- Um, that's not a sample.

And you've sampled half
the store at this point.

So we need to sell
all this stuff.

- Okay, well I flattened out
the lip balm.

So no one's gonna notice.

- There's a lot of stuff in
here, David.

You don't wanna spend too much
money up front.

- Yeah, that's not good, David.

- You have to be prepared
to survive a year

without making any profit.

- Actually, the textbooks
now say eighteen months.

- Well, what are the textbooks
saying

about curating a selection
of products from local vendors

and selling them on consignment

in a one-stop-shop
retail environment,

that benefits the vendor
and the customer?

- Well, I don't have
my textbook on me.

- I stand corrected.

Listen, if you need help,
I-I'm happy to help.

- Why? Alexis is here helping.

- Well, no. If Patrick has
offered to move all the boxes,

then I think we should
let him.

- Is that what I offered?

- Okay, well, thank you,
Patrick.

- You're welcome.

Um, Okay. So you can start
by moving

all of those big things
of hand cream.

(Footsteps creak lightly)

- (Mouths) What?

(Crickets chirp)

Moira: (Drunkenly)
It's all so unbelievable, John!

I had forgotten what
it was like to be feted.

- Moira?

- What?! I can, I can hardly
hear you, John!

The cheering and accolades are
drowning out your gentle voice.

- Oh, I take it things
went well?

- I'm a game-changer, Jo-

Hey... oh!

Uh, Gavin's brought out
the hard stuff.

So darling, I must sign off.

- All right, well, have fun,
sweetheart,

and don't get too carried away.

- I'm networking, John!

Do you know that I'm actually
good at this!

- Who are you talking to?

- It's my husband!

(All start booing)

- Uh, was that for me?

Why am I-why am I getting
booed?

- That's... Wait!
That's my man, Johnny!

Hey Johnny, it's Roland!

Hey, we're all here at RAMC!

You should be here,
Mary-something is here...

Gavin is here...
The road salt guy...

- Yeah. Okay, Roland.

Good. I'm having a bit
of a night myself here.

- Come on!

- Stop, I have to talk
to my husband.

John. John.

- Moira, you know,
it might be time for a coffee.

And I'm gonna let you go now.

And have fun, sweetheart.

We'll see you in the morning.

- Goodbye, phone call!

- Goodbye, my darling.

- All right.
Goodnight, sweetheart.

Oh, Moira, by the way,
I just picked up the new--

(Phone hangs up)

(Loud music and party chatter
and laughter)

- (Dial tone) Okay.

(Hangs up)

(Birds chirp)

- John, shut the blinds.

Johnny, please.

(Waking groans)

- Moira?
- Hm?

(Moira screams)

Roland! What are you doing
in my room?

- What are you talking about?
This is my room.

- Well, what the fuck are you
doing in your room?

Well, I was trying to sleep.

Until you started pounding
on the door,

telling me to whip up
a salmon plate.

I finally let you in,
you flaked out on the bed.

- Oh my God.

Are you naked under there?

- Honey, what I do in
the privacy of my sheets

is my own business.

- Oh, no. No God, no.

Oh, God, no. No, dear God.

- Welcome to RAMC.
(Laughs)

- (Moira whimpers)
Oh, my God No!

(Bell jungles over door)

(Music plays quietly,
dishes clank)

- Jocelyn!

Almost didn't recognize
you over there.

- Hey Johnny.

It's been a morning,

but I don't have to tell
you that.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
You've had a tough morning?

- You're handling this
way better than I am.

- Handling what better?

- Roland and Moira,
sleeping together.

- (Laughs) What?!

- At the conference last night.

- Yeah. No, no!

Let's just go back to that
previous sentence.

Ah, when you say
they slept together...

- Well, Roland says
that they just slept

in the same bed together.
- Ah-ha.

- And he says that nothing
happened,

so I'm just trying to,
you know, process all of this.

- Oh yes. Well...

Aren't we all.

I mean, I'm-I'm hearing
about this for the first time.

- Moira didn't tell you?

- You know, we chatted
this morning

about how successful
the night was,

but sleeping with your husband

didn't really come up as one
of the reasons

the night was so successful.

- And we probably shouldn't
read anything

into the fact that
for some reason,

Moira decided to hide
this from you.

- No-no, I wouldn't say "hide."
No, no.

Because Moira was so exhausted
when she got in this morning.

- Maybe she was exhausted
because she was up all night

with her mitts all over--
- No! No. No! No.

I know Moira and she would
never in a million years ever

sleep with...

Anyone. Else.

- It's just that I know
what it's like

to be in bed with a naked
Roland Schitt,

and I am powerless against that.

- He was naked?

- He sleeps naked every night.

Do you wanna order some thing
to put chocolate sauce on?

- No.

(Marker rasps)

-Um, David, I can swing
by the store

and help out after school,
if you want.

I also may need more of that
lip balm that I liked.

- Okay. Um, I think we've had
enough of your help.

And unless you planning
on purchasing that lip balm

you're won't be getting
the lip balm.

- Okay. It's called sweat
equity, David.

I learned about this week.

And that's when you help
someone out

and then they give you lip balm

or whatever else you might need

in exchange for your time
and energy.

- I think you might actually
need to break a sweat,

in order to earn sweat equity.

- Okay, what if I got Patrick
to break a sweat for me.

That's called outsourcing,
outsourcing--

- Are you passing this
economics course?

- Yes. Yeah.

Yes, I'm pretty sure.

- Okay. Well, if you really
want the lip balm that bad

there are a few things
around the store

that I could use your help with.

just an fyi,
Patrick won't be there.

So there won't be anybody
for you

to flirtatiously boss around.

- Okay, I hate to break this
to you, David,

but there will always be
somebody for me

to flirtatiously boss around.

So what was going on there?

- Oh, nothing.

He hasn't even asked
for my number,

which in my experience,

means he's either newly married
or he's gay.

Okay...

So like if you're sensing
a vibe or something,

maybe that means that his eye
for somebody else...

- He's a business major
who wears straight leg,

mid-range denim.

He's not into me.

- Okay, well it's either that
or he's really into your store,

which no offense seems a lot
less likely to me.

- Okay.

I think you misses a spot on
that page with the highlighter.

- Where?

(Beep pouring)

(Door opens)

- Hello, Moira.

- Hello there, love of my life!

- Funny thing.
I just ran into Jocelyn.

- Oh. How is Jocelyn?

- Oh, she was a little upset.

Apparently her husband, Roland,

spent the night with... you.

- I know, wasn't that funny?

- Moira!

When were you gonna tell me
about this?

- Ah, we talked about it
this morning, John!

We laughed about it.

- We didn't laugh about it.

Because we didn't talk
about it.

I would have remembered
if you had said

something that funny.

- It's inconsequential, John

Just let it go. I have.

- May I ask what you are doing?

- Oh, I've decided to cut down
on my drinking.

- Unrelated, I assume?

- To what?

- To you sleeping with Roland
last night.

- Okay. This joke has played
itself out.

It was humorous this morning.

- We didn't talk about it
this morning!

- Obviously.

I didn't tell you anything
because I was embarrassed.

I was riding high, John,

apparently really high,

After winning what some people
called a landmark victory

for this and many other towns.

Then I woke up in the last
place I ever wanted to be.

- Well, Can't say I'm not glad
to hear you say that.

- Oh John, I owe an apology
to you.

And to sober people everywhere.

- Well, I knew it was nothing
happened, Moira, it's...

Just I was getting a feeling

you weren't taking this
very seriously.

- If I weren't, John,
would I be pouring this out.

(Beer pouring)

- Moira, that's my beer!

You don't even drink beer!

It's symbolic, John.

(Door opens)
Traffic whirs)

- Oh-oh.

I take it you're here
to tell me

that my business license
has been revoked.

- No, no. You're all good.

- Okay. Um...

- My sister isn't,

isn't here so...

- I'm not here for your sister.

- Okay.

You know I've been thinking
about all this

and these products that Alexis
was showing me yesterday

were actually really
impressive,

I mean the whole model
is actually very sustainable--

- (Inhales) Thank you.

- But I think you're gonna need
more start-up money.

- Oh. More start-up money.

- Hm.
- Um...

And where do you think
I'll get that money?

- Well, when you're supporting
local business,

there are grants
that you can apply for.

And I would be happy to assist
you with those applications.

- Well, that is very um...
very generous.

- Well, I wouldn't be doing it
for free.

See, if these grants came
through,

you'd have the money
to start paying me.

- Okay.

- Um, I really think you have
something here, David.

You just, you just need help.
You need a lot of help--

- Okay. Um...

Well, uh, then yes...

I am open to entertaining

your investment offer.

- Great.

And in the interest of us
potentially working together

I did want to come clean
about something.

- Okay.

- I um...

I actually picked out
that frame.

- I see.

So thank you for making it
very clear

that I will be making
the creative decisions

for the store.

Um, and I guess you can handle
all the business stuff.

- I'm very comfortable
with that.

- Okay.

Um, and you do know that
if the grant money

doesn't come through,
then I won't---

- Oh, I'm gonna get the money.

- Okay.

(Crickets chirp)

(Knocking)

- Hello, Johnny.
- Roland.

- Johnny, me and six of my
closest friends

were hoping we could
have a little chat.

- Well, it's awfully late.

- Johnny, I'm talking
about the beer.

- No, I know, I know, you're
talking about the beer.

it's just that Moira's
in the shower.

She's been showering most
of the day, actually.

- Good,

because I think it's best
that we talk man-to-man.

(Beer pops open)
Ahh...

(Slurping)

Jocelyn and I spoke,

and she told me you're still
pretty upset, huh?

- Look, if anyone was upset
it was Jocelyn.

I was just upset because
Jocelyn was upset.

- All right, pal.

Well, I'm here to put your mind
at ease, okay?

I am 99.999% sure

that nothing happened
between me and your wife.

- I'm 100% sure
and I wasn't even there!

- Well, I sure was.

(Laughing)

All of me.

You know, I spent 35 minutes
this morning

inspecting every inch
of my body for bite marks,

back scratches,
lipstick prints.

And I couldn't find anything.

Well, there was this one thing
on the bottom of my foot,

but I think that may have
been there before.

I really don't know.

- You know what, Roland,

I think I'm gonna ask you
to leave.

Because Moira's coming out
soon and I really don't--

- ...want to tempt fate twice.
I got it.

- No, no. I don't think
you do got it.

And not to put too fine
a point on it, Roland,

but my wife would never
go out for a burger

when she has a strong penchant
for steak.

Good night, Roland.
- Breakfast tomorrow, right?

- Good night, Roland.
- Okay.

- Don't worry it's only me.

- Ha ha, very droll, Mr. Rose.

- Thought I'd announce myself

just in case you were expecting
somebody else.

- Is living with that blackout
not punishment enough?

- (Chuckles) You know I meant
to ask, Moira,

what were the amenities like
in that hotel room?

High-pressured water,
down pillows?

- I'll never know.

I had my one chance
at a proletarian oasis

and I squandered it,
passed out Roland a bed.

- You slept with Roland?

- No, she-she didn't.

She found herself in his bed.

- Mom slept with Roland?
- Yes. Apparently.

- I will not be tried
and condemned

by the likes of you two.

- So what's gonna happen now?
- Yeah.

- Is there gonna be like
a custody battle over us?

- David, stop.

- We gonna have to like
spend weekends

over at Roland's now, or?

- Goodnight, Alexis.

- Do we call him uncle Roland?

- All right, that is enough,
David.

- No. I mean, I get it,
Roland is the mayor,

and it's very difficult
to work with someone

who you're attracted to.

- Yeah. Like you and Ted?

- No! I'm making fun of mom
and dad right now, David.

- And we're done.
Back to your rooms.

Um, I just want you to know

that no matter what anyone says,

you will always be
our first dad.

Good night.
- Okay.