All language subtitles for Orange Is The New Black - 6x06 - State of the Uterus.WEB.NTb+STRiFE.en

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --

Wow. That's real pretty.

The drawing's nice, too.

Thanks.

You must be feeling better if
you're out here doing art.

Yeah, I guess.

So...

you're welcome.

No, I'm not welcome.

I didn't take your stupid pills.

Okay, tough girl. Can I
have 'em back, then?

I dumped 'em.

Yeah, you did. Straight
down your sexy throat.

Hey, Daddy. Barb wants to see you.

All right. Thanks, babe.

Hey, Barb.

Hi, lamb chop.

Light bothering you again today?

- Obviously.
- Right. Just want you to know I care.

Oh, I know you care.

You're my Daddy-O.

That's right. I got you.

So. The rats. Hilarious.

Thanks. Thanks.

Oh, my God. What I woulda given

to see the looks on their
fuckwit faces, those cows.

Surprise, bitches! You got rats!

Mmm-hmm.

You really outdid yourself on that one.

It was epic...

No. I mean, I think you
really outdid yourself.

I don't feel good about this.
I don't know what's next.

And sometimes, I don't know
why I keep you around.

You keep me around so you don't
have to bother with the details.

Trust me, okay?

Chatty Cathy distracted the COs,

the rats were released, and bam, money.

Because of the rats,

the suits think that C-Block
was lazy and dirty.

So the warden will have to
give us the cheese now.

Our people will have the good jobs.

It's been a week, chiquita.

Have you seen any jobs coming our way?

'Cause I sure haven't heard boo.

Oh, and some little cock-pocket
called me "Babs" yesterday.

Fucking Babs?

That is unacceptable.
You are losing control.

I'm not losing control.

You know who they're all gonna love
even more once this all plays out?

Their gal, Barb?

Yeah, lady. You.

And who loves you the most? Look.

This is the easiest money
on Earth. Look at that.

That's all he wants?

Of course not. Guys always want more.

But that's up to you.

If you wanna make more, you do more.

If not, you grab a drink, food, flirt
and dance and call it a night.

- Hey.
- Hi.

You having a good time?

What do you think? Here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For real, you'll be fine.

So, are they all drug dealers?

You think all Latin
rich guys are Scarface?

They're businessmen.

Making bank off the other white
powder Americans are addicted to.

See Alejandro over there?

He owns a bunch of sugarcane
plantations in Brazil.

Vanessa's only been hanging out
with him for a few months,

and she's already made enough to
not work the whole school year.

What are you studying?

Veterinary science.

What is that, like 300 grand
by the time you're done?

How many cats you gotta
spay to pay that off?

So many cats.

Right?

Or you can play with one horny rich guy.

One.

Come on.

What's the point of knocking
if you're not gonna wait?

How did this happen?

_

Do you mean how did rats
infiltrate the cheese warehouse,

or how did they get that rat into
that tiny, little orange jumpsuit?

There was rat shit in every shipment.

All you had to do was ensure a
passably hygienic workspace.

You are in charge on the ground here.

- You could be...
- Fired?

You're gonna fire me? Go ahead.

Say it.

Right.

If you were gonna fire me, you
would have done it already.

I bet you're the type
who sends a quick text

when it's time to break up with someone.

Which might be the only thing we
have in common, other than...

You know.

So...

you want my help, don't you?

MCC's stock is in free-fall
with the riot and the manhunt,

and now losing Grace.

That cheese deal was
offsetting the cost of housing

a full quarter of our inmates.

I'm sorry,

but those are PR and budget issues,

squarely in the purview of corporate.

I am way downstream.

You know, for all of his...

character flaws, at least Joe
was willing to work with me.

This should be a partnership.

Yeah. Two points on that.

One, Joe would have done
anything to get up your skirt.

And, two, that partnership
ended in a riot,

during which Joe pretended you
were a mentally ill federal inmate.

So not exactly a model for
productive collaboration.

Fine.

Can I at least sit here and
brainstorm, then? Out loud?

- You're not really asking, are you?
- No.

But I will order Panera.

And if you want some control
over what's headed downstream,

maybe you can help me think.

I am gluten- and dairy-free.

All right, looks like you're next, babe.

He's really spending a quality two
and a half minutes with each of us.

Oh, I'm not waiting. I'm just
here keeping you company.

- Oh. Sweet.
- Mmm.

But isn't your vaginal
health important to you?

Because I know it's important to me.

I'm saving all of this for Dr. Chin.

Frankly, I thought it was Dr.
Mouth that you were into.

But if it's Dr. Chin you're digging...

Dr. Chin is not a euphemism.

Dr. Chin is a small Asian woman

with an MD from Hopkins
that doesn't take insurance,

but she has a full herbal tea
bar in her waiting room.

I'm gonna go see her when
I'm out in nine months.

The time it takes to grow a new human.

Getting out will absolutely
feel like being born again.

I'll probably still be here

when you're at least a
preschooler, maybe kindergartner.

That's nothing.

That's a blip.

So you're telling me to
keep my Dr. Chin up?

Mmm-hmm.

And your Dr. Mouth smiling.

Well, at least this color's nice on you.

Thanks.

Not sure I'm into the Florida crowd,

but I'll be perfectly fine if I
never have to wear khaki again.

You doing okay?

Uh, not really.

Honey, Max makes camp look about
as scary as a church bake sale.

Yeah, well, I've seen some bitches
go crazy over lemon bars.

Florida, huh?

Relatively drama-free, but also about
as boring as a bowl of nothing.

I once watched a lady watch
a spider for 40 minutes.

Damn.

Imagine what it was like
for the lady watching you

watch the lady watch the spider.

It's, like, the best secret.

Like, if everywhere you went,

you just had a tiny, tiny
kitten in your shirt pocket

and nobody knew.

You could take it onto the bus, you
could take it into the movies,

and just, everywhere you
went, it was with you.

But if you talked about it,
then people would know.

- And it wouldn't be a secret.
- Yes. That's true.

And people are always giving
pregnant ladies discounts

and letting them go to
the front of the line.

Maybe you should test your powers.

You are so right.

Hello. Uh, I'm pregnant.

I was wondering, could
I go in front of you?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Hold up. Who said you
could cut, Barfie doll?

Oh, I have a secret.

I'm pregnant.

- I'm actually two people.
- Yeah. And I contain multitudes.

Oh, come on, let her go.

We got a baby on board!
Move aside, let her through.

Especially you.

Let's go, Kitten!

So how is this my job now?

- I got promoted.
- To what?

To not having to do this anymore.

Congratulations, you
are now head of Rec.

Here's your uniform.

What...

First thing, you need
to replace Chatty Cathy

since she fake-died her
way into the real SHU.

That was fake?

Dude...

Wait. Hang the fuck on.

What does this stupid radio
show have to do with Rec?

If it's not a job and it's
not a punishment, it's Rec.

Oh, and the show needs
to be informational

and educationally oriented.

Here's a list of acceptable topics.

This blows.

Although it might get me more
chances at Fantasy Inmate points.

You know what the Fantasy Inmate
draft is? A slave auction.

Well... we're not enslaving anyone.

MCC is, but it's not like they're
doing shit for us personally.

Think about it.

You price and trade people based
on specific skills and traits,

then you profit off their actions
while you watch from the veranda.

The whole thing is
morally reprehensible.

I'm sure there are good
people on both sides.

Don't forget your ball sack.

Mommy, you're here!

Oh, baby!

Oh, it's so good to
see your little face.

Oh.

Lucy, why do you smell like... feet?

So this is the place, huh?

This is the place.

You must be Aleida?

That's right.

Mayelin. Come in, I'll get the others.

Who's that?

I got you a doll.

She don't play with those no more.

Where's Eva?

Sometimes she goes home
with this kid after school.

What's his name?

"His"? She got a fucking boyfriend?

She's 12 years old.

What's up with you two? Ain't
you happy to see your mother?

Are you here to get us out?

I'm working on that.

- Bullshit.
- Hey!

Don't talk like that.

What the hell do you know about it?

Punk.

You little bastard.

- Stop that!
- Hey!

He fucking started it!

- He did, the little shit!
- Boys, go upstairs.

Can you people be quiet? I'm sleeping.

How many more brats you got living here?

Just the two boys, your four
and my daughter, Raquel.

And her screaming baby.

My granddaughter's teething.

And my brother's staying
with us for a while.

You don't know how lucky these kids are.

Siblings almost never get to stay
together. But I took them all.

And I'm sure you're getting
checks for them all.

Can I have a little privacy
with my kids now, please?

So, uh...

What's going on with you guys?

This, Mom. This is going on.

Mommy, I want to go home with you.

Not today, baby.

But soon, I promise.

Okay? It's okay. It's okay.

Hey.

Hmm?

Take one.

They're healthy.

I'm gonna sell a bunch of these.
That's how I'm gonna get you back.

Eva don't need to be
going to no boy's house.

And this one's all sad over here.

You need to take care of them.

Like you took care of us?

Leaving us here in this shithole?

What took you so long
to come and see us?

It hasn't been that long.

I've been trying to get
a job and an apartment.

It's not as easy as you'd think.

'Cause you got a record.

Right, smartass.

So don't do no crime, and you'll never
have to know what this is like.

I heard Daya's baby got
adopted by some rich lady.

How do we get in on that?

I don't even wanna go back with you.

Lucy does.

'Cause she don't remember what
it's like livin' with you.

Daddy, how much longer is it gonna be?

Asking for a friend?

Well, yeah. I'm asking for
everybody. And for me.

Bothering me ain't gonna make
it come faster. Now kick off.

How's your world, Hellman?

What do you want?

What do you think I want?
Fiends be feenin'.

Maybe you should have thought of that
before you blew up the pipeline.

- What?
- The cheese.

The cheese has left the building.

Grace Grocer has pulled out
like a sloppy teenager.

- What does that have to do with...
- Un-fucking-believable.

And what's Daddy short for, huh? Stupid?

No cheese jobs, no cheese.

And by "cheese," I mean drugs.

How the fuck was I supposed to know

you were bringing it in with the cheese?

You weren't. You were supposed
to mind your own damn business

and not fuck up a good thing.

Well, we'll have to find a new way in.

Fuck you.

If I do find a new way, D-Block's out.

You're out.

Now move away, inmate.

- Hey. What's wrong?
- Nothing. All right? Don't worry about it.

Oh.

Hey. It was an accident.

- All right? I swear.
- Oh, my God. Talia.

What the fuck, man?
What the fuck happened?

I don't know. We were really into it,

- and then...
- Shit, no.

- I don't know, she fell or something.
- Shit, girl...

What do you mean, "she fell"?

Hey, I said I don't know! You know?

She's shouting. She won't cool out!

And she's all fucked up!

It's not my fucking fault!

Yes, it is your fucking fault!

Hey, you heard what he
said. It was an accident.

People are waking up.
Gotta get her outta here.

Fuck!

No. No.

We can't move her until everyone's gone.

Lock the door and stay
inside here with her.

Don't let anyone in.

And you got to get out of here, man.

If anyone asks, you went back
to the city late last night.

Go!

Based on copious witness testimony,

the US Attorney has charged you and
four others with inciting the riot.

They allege that you created and
maintained a secret riot bunker,

and there's also evidence
that directly implicates you

in the kidnapping and false imprisonment
of Officer Desmond Piscatella.

I've negotiated a plea deal for you.

If you admit to the riot charges,

they're willing to drop everything else.

This is very good.

It will garner you the shortest
possible sentence. Do you understand?

Ms. Reznikov?

This is...

not good.

This is...

not good at all.

Trust me, the lighter sentence

for the charge of
inciting the riot is...

I incited nothing.

Here's an insight.

This is complete khuinya. "Bullshit."

You have a family, yes? Three sons?

The best chance you have of
seeing them again is this deal.

In fact, I might call
it your only chance.

Still ten years, but you can knock
that down with good behavior.

This is wrong.

I'm being scapegoated.

It was a riot.

By definition, many, many
people were involved.

I don't deserve this.

If you go to trial, you will not win.

Full stop.

You'll die in here.

All rise. Court is now in session.

The Honorable Judge Roland
Corcoran presiding.

I didn't do it.

I didn't kill nobody.

Tasha, listen to me, it doesn't matter.

The best legal advice I can
give you is take the plea.

No offense, but if you gave
the best legal advice,

would you be the free lawyer?

No offense, but being the free
lawyer makes me an expert

on how hopeless your case is if
you take it to trial. Don't do it.

In the matter of The United
States v. Tasha Jefferson,

Ms. Jefferson, how do you plead to
the charge of incitement to riot?

Guilty, Your Honor.

Ms. Jefferson, do you know
that by pleading guilty,

you lose the right to a jury trial?

Yes, Your Honor.

Do you give up that right?

- Yes, Your Honor.
- So entered.

In the matter of The United
States v. Tasha Jefferson,

Ms. Jefferson, how do you plead

to the charge of murder
in the second degree?

Not guilty, Your Honor.

Order! Order!

The plea of "not guilty"
has been entered.

A trial by jury will be set for...

The ACLU is apparently putting a
legal team together to help you.

See? They believe in me.

Ms. Jefferson, it's not that I don't
believe you or believe in you.

It's that I believe you won't get
the justice you're hoping for.

But I do wish you the best.

Stay strong, Tasha.

We're gonna fight this all the way.

Order! Order!

- Black lives matter!
- Stay strong, girl!

Stop. God. Stop.

- That's your show?
- No, that's my opening.

Then I do some Gregorian chant.

♪ Sanctus ♪

♪ Sanctus dominus deus sabaoth ♪

Some humpback whale moans...

It's a full soundscape.

It's way too avant-garde for this crowd.

I mean, you gotta know your audience.

Next!

I was really vulnerable
with you just now.

I'm sorry. I wanted it to work out, too.

Oh, hey! What do you got?

All right, so welcome to our show.

I mean, my show. And it's called
DIY Fly, and we gonna show you...

I mean, I'm gonna tell you

how to look your best...

Listen, we had mad followers on YouTube.

- I'm just not used to doing it without...
- The hot one, huh?

It's, like, radio? Hot
is in the mind on radio.

Well, her voice was hotter, too.

Next!

Last menstrual period?

Uh...

I'm really not sure.

It's been a while.

But, you know, with the
stress of moving down here

and all the riot craziness,

I'm thinking, it's probably
just a little off.

- You're 42?
- You don't gotta say it like that.

- Any trouble sleeping?
- This ain't the most tranquil place.

Mood swings?

Well, my son Benny had brain surgery.

He's alive and everything, thank God.

Then I find out that I can't
afford his physical therapy,

so yeah, you could say
that I am up and down.

Loss of libido?

It's in a field somewhere,
giving my freedom a blow job.

Look, it seems like all the
symptoms of the change

could also be symptoms
of being incarcerated.

Huh?

That's interesting.

Uh, anyway, there's
really no way to tell

if you're perimenopausal
without running blood tests.

And I'm afraid another
feature of incarceration

is they won't allow me to do that.

Some other signs you can
watch for are vaginal dryness

and a redistribution of
fat around your middle.

Great.

The best thing you can do is exercise.

It's a natural way to
regulate your hormones.

There ain't exactly a
Planet Fitness next door.

Have you seen The Girl Who
Kicked the Hornet's Nest?

There's a lot you can do in a cell.

Oh, and garbanzo beans.

I hear they're good, too.

Phytoestrogens.

Oh, God.

How am I smelling this?

This shit stinks so bad I can
smell it through my mouth.

Come on, cheese whizzes. Get her done.

Wish I could help, but,
uh, you know, the arm.

Yeah, you know, the laziness.

What's that, Mendoza?

She said it's a shame
we lost these jobs.

Yeah. Uh, two dollars an hour is a
lot more than no dollars an hour.

Ugh.

Maybe we can take some
maintenance jobs from D-Block.

It only pays 12 cents, but that's
also more than no dollars an hour.

Stop with the whining and the math.

Fuck D-Block and their shitty jobs.

You know what I want?

What?

I want to make their
shitty jobs even shittier.

I shit you not, I want to make
their shitty everything shittier.

Shit's about to shit the fan for
those shit-for-brains Shit-Blockers.

They're not gonna know what shit 'em!

Yeah, they are.

That's the point.

Here we go.

I need volunteers

to drop trou and shit on
D-Block's nice clean unis.

I'll do it.

Thank you, soldier.

The, uh, naked part is
not really necessary.

It gets me feeling more primal.

Fair enough.

Gapman! Why don't you, uh,

turn that frown upside
brown for me, will you?

No. No, I can't shit on command.

Straining can trigger a fatal
heart arrhythmia in some people.

- That's what happened to Elvis.
- Please.

The CIA killed Elvis.

Just...

Like Kate Moss said,

"Nothing tastes as good
as shitting feels."

Tell you what.

Anyone who does not
want to shit on D-Block

gets a Badison Surprise.

- A what?
- You don't want it.

- It's...
- It's a fucking surprise for the cookies.

If you know all about it, why
are you still standing there?

Ah, I think we should stop 'em.

When D-Block finds out,
the retaliation...

That could potentially
sideline a lot of players.

Retaliation means multiple
ten-point incidents, though.

Possibly too many to
track, with witnesses.

There's a cost-benefit
of widespread violence.

It's potentially nonoptimal.

Plus, there's no points
for public defecation

after what happened three years ago.

Yeah, but one of them might
cry and rub her eyes.

Ah, bacterial conjunctivitis.

At two points per eye...

It would take a few days to present...

I'm playing a long game, Al.

Hey. You're pretty. What are you doing?

I'm strengthening my pelvic floor
to prepare for birth-giving.

You know, squeezy chi-chi.

That's kind of funny.

Listen, um, I'm looking for a
cohost for my new radio show.

I really sparkle when I have
someone to play off of.

We could talk about how
to keep it cute in prison.

Exactly. Being in prison is no
excuse to let yourself go, girl.

Or, I know, we could talk
about current events,

like, "How come so many
cabbies wear those turbans?

Are they hiding bombs under there?

Or just really greasy Arab hair?"

- Well, um...
- Oh, my God.

I'm gonna be so good at this!

And because I am the
native English speaker,

I will do most of the talking.

You know, now I'm thinkin' that
we don't have the same vision.

Okay, you know who'd be
great on the radio, right?

Me.

Right, but, uh...

also, me.

Okay, I was raised on Howard Stern.

My consciousness is essentially
half a dozen shock jocks

locked inside of a sound booth.

I mean, I'm perfect.

I don't think Howard Stern is
really the style I'm going for.

Ah, but why not? The only
interesting ideas are heresies!

Well, if you think that,

then you're totally underestimating
the power of fashion tips and gossip.

Ouch! What are you doing, did
you lose something in there?

I am bimanually examining your uterus.

How is it? Can it sustain life?

How old are you? 38, 39?
Every month counts now.

How much more time you got?

A year. Are you saying
I can't get pregnant?

No. No. That's not what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is that you
have a limited number of eggs,

and they're deteriorating at
an exponential rate right now.

So even if you got pregnant tomorrow,

it would be considered a
high-risk geriatric pregnancy.

"Geriatric"? Does that
toto look old to you?

It's tight as a...

That doesn't really have
anything to do with it.

Look, you never know.

Geena Davis had twins when she was 48.

Who's that?

A League of Their Own?

Marjorie Prime?

Thelma and Louise?

Ah. Telma y Luisa.

You're trying to inspire me

by talking about a rape and murder
movie that has a tragic ending?

That movie was also about a
particularly feminist futility

and the impossibility
of justice for women

within a patriarchal court system.

I am full of hope.

Well, if I am not mistaken,

I am seein' some tell-tale
scratchy-scratch over there.

Huh?

Yeah. They're strung out.

Hmm. I just thought maybe they
had that combination skin.

I wonder what kind of skin
the baby's gonna have.

Hey, what's wrong?

Come on. That baby's
gonna have great skin.

You know, supersoft baby skin.

Yeah.

I just wish that Vinnie had been there
this morning at my examination.

He's not gonna be there
to hear the heartbeat.

He's not gonna see that little
pickle in the sonogram.

It could be a girl.

We won't find that out together, either!

Please, Daddy. I'm
getting sick. Where is it?

It's coming. Hang in there.
You're gonna be okay.

But what happened? What's the holdup?

Wow. Okay. Uh, that is repulsive.

Ugh! There's doo-doo feces everywhere!

- Those Cunt-Block bitches!
- This is so Badison.

You let 'em do us like this?

Yeah, Daddy. You let them
wipe their asses on us!

Uh-oh, smells like mutiny.

Yeah, it also smells like shit.
Do I gotta wear these?

You know this is what it's
like being a mom, right?

There's shit everywhere, you're
constantly doing laundry

and you gotta protect your kid from
the drug addicts on the corner.

Don't worry, Kitten.

Oh, we should worry, actually.

Nothing could destabilize this place

like a massive outbreak of junkie logic.

Uh, people will kill to get high,

and these people are
already in prison. You know?

Look, you and Kitten need to lay low

until this fever breaks
or the supply re-ups.

Oh, man, they baked it in. This is
huge disrespect. Very, very big.

That's right. They disrespected
us. And you know what else?

What?

They stole your high.

That's right. You can thank
C-Block for those shakes.

The guard who was bringing
it in? They turned him.

- What?
- Fuck them.

Don't it hurt when cunts take
what's rightfully yours?

- It is the worst.
- Yeah.

And don't it hurt when
you're already in prison,

you don't have your liberty,

and some Cheese-Block chickenhead
takes away your joy?

- They can't do that.
- Bitches!

Hey, be quiet. And, fuck
no, they can't do that.

- The bitches are going down.
- End the cunts!

Death to C-Block!

- That's right, Daddy.
- Okay. Whoa!

The fuck are you doing? We
talked about laying low.

But what kind of animal takes a
shit on a pregnant woman's clothes?

I want a better world
for this little one!

Let me tell you something.
Nobody fucks with Daddy.

And nobody fucks with Daddy's girls.

_

Mmm, that feels nice.

You're all tight up here. Are you okay?

Yeah, girl, I'm good.

Shit! Don't fucking
creep on me like that.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap.

You sure you're okay?

You just seem kind of off lately.

Is it because Talia quit?

No, no, it's all good, baby.

But you wanna know something?

Yes. Tell me.

It can always get better.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah?

And I just saw some shit go
down in the laundry room.

And when I say "shit," I'm
talking about literal shit.

- And the guards didn't...
- Okay.

You need to not give a shit

about whatever shit goes
down in the laundry,

about what the guards do or don't do,

and about anything that isn't this.

You and me. Just be here, with me.

You're right. Be here. With you.

Yeah.

We have a wedding to plan.

In four years, when I get out.

No. No. I don't want to wait four years.

Like you said, let's be here.
Let's do it here. Now.

I don't want a fucking prison wedding.

Listen...

After the riot...

after what I saw today, and the
general depravity of this place...

No matter what happens,

I want to spend these next nine months

with you as my wife.

I want you to be my wife, too.

But why get married if we're
gonna be apart for so long?

Because we're going to
be apart for so long.

Why say yes if you don't
want to just... do it?

- I do. I just...
- Uh-huh.

- Nobody could come to a wedding in here.
- That doesn't matter.

We can have another one when we're out.

- A prison wedding, huh?
- Yeah.

What would that look like, exactly?

Oh...

Fuck!

- Come on, it's Red.
- But what if she knows what I said?

Come on.

I am instituting our first family rule.

"Go towards the problem."

The Vause-Chapmans will
deal with the shit head-on.

Hi, Red!

How are you?

Did you hear something? I didn't.

Very funny.

This slop is disgusting,

but I'd like to eat it in
peace if you don't mind.

I do mind. You can't cut us out.

Why not? That's exactly
what you did to me.

- What are you talking about?
- No. Red, let me explain.

You think I don't know you
all sold me down the river?

You think I don't know
that's how it is in here?

When you want something from me,
you love me, I'm your mother,

and I come through for you.

But when I need you, where are you?

In the next room giving me
up at the tap of a feather.

Okay. Stop saying "you,"
because I was in medical.

If you're talking about Piper,

she didn't know what she was
doing. She thought I was dead.

I didn't just think she was dead, Red.

I thought that it was your
actions that got her killed.

I tried to warn you. I tried to
get the message to all of you.

Nicky was the only one
who even spoke to me

before throwing me under the bus.

Oh, so Nicky is off the hook?

Nicky showed honor.

Oh, please. Stop being
so fucking arbitrary.

Okay. I'm sorry that you feel betrayed.

I'm sorry for what I did.

You know where to find us.

Jesus Christ.

Today's menu would be salt in the wound

if there were any salt to be had.

What? They charge you
with the riot, too?

Yes.

You?

But I did lock the doors.

Well, at least we can spend ten
more glorious years together.

Actually...

they didn't give me any more time.

What?

How is that possible?

It's not like you even have
a family to return to.

What do you know about me
and who I have out there?

Was I supposed to politely
ask for a longer sentence?

Leave me the fuck alone.

No problem.

Selfish, nearsighted, crazy old lady.

Thank you.

Selfish, traitorous
pile of hair garbage!

Point. And flex. And point.

Good. And roll around.

That's it. Remember, you're
only as fit as your feet.

Let's do it again. Point. And flex.

And point. Good. And roll around.

That's it, ladies. Let's
keep going! Point.

And flex. And point. Good.

I thought this was
supposed to be exercise,

not some weird toe stretches.

I know, but it does feel kind of good.

And point. Good. Roll around.

That's it. Let's do it again.

- Oh, yeah.
- Mmm-hmm.

You're right.

Remember, you're
only as fit as your feet.

Of course. See? Everything
is breaking down.

Hey! Quiet! I'm holding
auditions over here.

We are entitled to one hour of
exercise, and the VCR just broke.

Not my problem.

You got a whistle, so I
believe it is your problem.

We need real exercise tapes.
Like Zumba or something.

Yeah, or Tae Bo.

Richard Simmons. Or at
least Body by Jake.

Footrobics is real.

And there's also Awesome Ankles,
Totally Toes, Happening Heels...

That's enough!

You guys wanna do some exercise?

Why don't you use your fucking fit
feet and walk back to your cells?

Now!

God damn it. Who's
next? All right. Jesus.

What's going on?

Oh, I don't know.

My reproductive system is shutting down.

And I'm here.

Hey.

I'm here, too.

Okay, I think it's medical
that's killing us. Here, look.

Seriously?

Where's your sense of integrity?

You work for a shitshow
embarrassment of a company,

and your name and
reputation are associated.

Okay, could you maybe
lean out for a sec?

Okay. Here's an associated concept.

Associates don't do the
shitty tedious parts.

They have eager underlings for that.

So look up some local university,
find some marketing majors,

and launch them at the PR problem.

Call it an internship with a
billion-dollar corporation,

a leader in the rehabilitation sector.

Pay them nothing. Promise
them school credit.

And take advantage of
their genetic ability

to manipulate the Internet.

Yes! That's genius! Do you see
how we did that together?

Oh, good. It's my assistant.

Hi, Jared, I'm glad you called.
I have a project for you.

Okay, but first, what do you
want to do about Black Lives?

What do you mean, "Black Lives"?

The Black Lives Matter
people? I texted you.

They're saying they're
working with the ACLU

and they want a statement about
MCC's treatment of Tasha Jefferson.

Tasha Jefferson.

Right.

Okay, um...

No comment. I mean,
don't... Don't respond.

Don't say, "No comment." Just, um...

Ignore that for now. I,
uh... I will call you back.

Okay, bye.

Oh, great.

Our stock went down another point.

Black Lives Matter is
freakin' radioactive.

Since you have time on your hands,

I need you to move Tasha to gen pop.

Three hours of paperwork.
I'll do it in the morning.

No. You'll do it now so I
can issue a press release.

Hashtag, ACLU. Hashtag,
Black Lives Matter.

Hashtag, winning the PR war

so that MCC doesn't have to hire
an expensive damage control firm.

Now!

Or hashtag, you're fired.

And just buy the fucking coat!

Hey!

Hey, what are you doing?

My bed.

- No, no, no.
- Yep. Yeah. That looks like it.

I told you. I told you.

The shit!

The shit!

Can I write this into our vows?

"Do you, Alex Vause, take
this woman, Piper Chapman,

to have and to hold through whatever
literal shit she encounters?"

Aw. I mean...

You know you do.

I mean, you do, don't you?

I do. I doo-doo.

But this isn't funny.

I just got shat on...

because I wouldn't
shit on somebody else.

Then I'm winning at life partner.

And it's gonna be okay.

This is the perfect end to a sucky day.

Having a strange man check out
my unscaped, ungroomed conchita.

Ay!

"Conchita!"

That's what you call your party room?

For real. My poozy hair
is so long down there,

it's like I got a
Wookiee sleeping on it.

Mine ain't like that.

The muffro takes more of
a horizontal approach.

I mean, I'm basically wearing
a pubic short right now.

A 4C pubic short.

Doc gonna be like...

"Damn! Where it at?"

I'm gonna be, like,

"Good day, sir. My best
to you on your journey!

Watch out for teeth!"

"Leave some breadcrumbs, so you
can find your way on out!"

Sit. Or should I say, "Shit," Madison?

So you heard.

That'll teach your sister
and those D-Block whores.

Fuck them, fucking with our jobs.

They want a war, I'll give 'em a war.

Barbara and her dyke squad
tanked our entire business.

You think skid-marking their
scrubs counts as returning fire?

It's a start.

No.

I don't want to start anything.

I wanna end them.

Do you understand me?

Or are you not the
person I need right now?

All right, I get it.

Shanks, not pranks.

Are you waiting for a
laugh? Get to work.

So, what do you do when
your child breaks a rule?

Let's talk about
appropriate consequences.

What are some of the factors for you
to consider when creating your...

Yo. This shit is so fucking boring.

- First...
- You think gordo here even has kids?

I guess it's what we gotta
do to get 'em back.

I heard the only thing
they really care about

- is the income and the housing situation.
- Mmm-hmm.

But still, they saying
that I need to have

separate bedrooms for the genders.

Who the fuck can afford a
three-bedroom apartment in New York?

- How many kids you got?
- Six.

Yeah, well, good luck with that.

Yeah, but they're all boys.

And I figure I can sleep on the couch.

Excuse me, ladies.

I can only give you
credit for this class

if you're actually participating.

She was talking to me.

You ain't saying nothing
I don't already know.

Ma'am, I don't know the
particulars of your situation,

but there's some reason
your kids aren't with you.

And if you want to be
reunited with them...

You wanna know the particulars?
I will tell you the particulars.

The particulars are that my kids

are living in a shitty
gang-banging neighborhood

with a shitty foster mother

and her shitty brother
that's probably a pedophile.

- Mmm-hmm.
- And a bunch of asshole foster kids.

So if everything's gonna be so shitty,

my kids and the checks that come
with them might as well be with me.

At this point, that's the State's call.

But trust me, the
system is so overloaded

that if you meet the
minimum requirements,

the Office of Children
and Family Services

will be happy to return
your children to you.

Yeah, but probably not the checks.

- Do you have a job?
- Yeah, I got a job.

You wanna lose weight with Nutri Herbal?

Anybody?

Come on.

I see a bunch of you could
probably drop a few.

Don't look away.

What's up with you?

Hey.

You okay?

You been houndin' me every fuckin' day.

Now I'm asking, and you
don't got nothing to say?

It's okay. You don't have to say
anything if you don't want.

There's some bells you can't unring.

Yeah, I know that.

I've rung every bell.

I did take your pills.

And they helped.

I know.

So, thank you.

Your ass is gonna get wet.

It's already soaked.

Yo, man, this ain't that cool. How
the fuck do you know where I live?

Is your phone broke?

I gotta know we're still good.

Yeah. Don't sweat. You don't
gotta worry about me.

For your trouble.

Now you take care of me,
I take care of you.

So... you got somebody new for me?

What, like, tonight?

Yeah.

I can do that.

Her.

You got it, boss. Whatever you want.

Give me five. I'll send her down.

Amber! Get your stuff, baby.

Party time.

Yes.

So listen, I found a cohost...

I said yes. You two, the show is yours.

Really? We ain't gotta, like, audition?

Nope.

Comedy gold, right here.

Also, I can't take any more. So...

Uh... how is that gonna
play on the radio?

Brilliantly.

So... when do we start?

Tomorrow. 4:00 a.m.

- Gross.
- What?

Price of fame.

Also, uh, they said keep it educational.

Now beat it. I'm finally done here.

- No political commentary?
- Thank you.

We got you. We ain't
gonna disappoint you!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hello.
- Vasily? I wasn't expecting you to answer.

Oh, hold on, Ma, let me get Pop. Pop!

No! Wait! I want to talk to you.

How are you?

I'm... I'm fine. I'm fine, how are you?

No, honey, tell me how you are.

Really. Tell me everything.

How are my beautiful
grandbabies? How is your life?

Ma, is there something wrong?

Vasily. Your beautiful name.

I don't hear it enough.

Nothing is wrong, kotik,

except that I haven't been
focused on my family.

Look, Ma. What do you
mean, Ma? You're in prison.

Yes!

And I fooled myself into thinking
these women here were my family.

But they are...

convicts and traitors.

I've neglected you.
Only family is family.

Yeah, well, that's true.

I love you, Vasily.

Please tell your brothers I love them.

Tell each one like you mean it.

For me.

And Vasily?

Yeah, yeah, Ma. I'm listening.

Come visit your mother, huh?

I'm all alone here.

Sure, I'll come visit you soon.
I got rugby this weekend...

Rugby?

Be careful for your head, huh?

And thank you. You are
a good son, Vasily.

So what's our name gonna be?

Flindy?

No, no, no. I don't like it.

Blaca?

Yo, my name is not actually Black Cindy.

- It's just Cindy.
- Okay.

But...

my Jew name is Tova!

We could be Toca.

Or... Or... how about TocaTalk?

TocaTalk!

Mmm-mmm. I'm not vibing with that.

Hey, I got it!

Flava.

Mmm. Max Flava!

Yeah!

- All right!
- Come on.

That's right! Thank you!

Coming to your airwaves...

Yeah!

That's my girl, Taystee!

That's the OG riot girl right there.

Oh, shit!

- Hey, Cindy.
- Yo.

You finally out of Ad Seg!

So you took a plea?

Hell nah.

I'm going to trial. People
need to know the truth.

Yeah.

Oh, shit!

Riot girl!

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --