Original subtitles

)oscillating tone(

.Boy, am I in for it now

Sent before .the White Desk again

?What did I do

.The Solar Lander, you fool

.You painted a mustache on it

But Orson doesn't know .I did it

?Then why am I here

,If I knew that .I wouldn't be talking to myself

.Mork

.Good morning, Orson

Orson-- you call me Orson ,to my face

,but behind my back ",you call me "Fatso

",Rocket Ship Thighs" ".and "Star Tush

".You forgot "Laser Breath

) playful honking(

.Sorry, Your Immenseness

?See what I mean

These constant displays of humor

are not acceptable .behavior here on Ork

.You're right

;We are rather a dull lot

.the white bread of the universe

Emotions have been weeded out of us

,for the good of the race

and you constantly .make jokes

I'm afraid .that won't do

.Uh-oh

There's an insignificant planet

on the far side .of the galaxy

From the fragmented reports ,we have on it

...the people are ...well, uh

Real nimnulls?

.Exactly

That's why I think .you'll fit in there, Mork

.You're too kind, sir

What is the name of this hellhole

?you're sending me to

.Earth

Earth? I was on Earth .three bleems ago

I was sent there by a biology class

.to collect a specimen

,I had to throw it back .though-- too small

.I love that place

Well, don't enjoy it .too much

.It's not a vacation

We want you to learn all you we can

.about primitive societies

Your mission is to report back to me mentally

about the things .you learn there

,And remember .this is a serious mission

.You can count on me, Orson

.D, D and E

Dedicated, diligent .and efficient

Nanu-nanu.

Nanu-nanu.

:MAN .I love this spot

:WOMAN .It's beautiful

You know, the reason I enjoy taking you out

is you don't put .pressure on me

You don't force me into playing

that virile stud ?macho role, you know

) electronic whirring(

) whirring slows and stops(

!Aha

) cracking(

) electronic whirring(

) high-pitched hum(

Gizbah.

) high-pitched hum(

Shazbot.

.Ah

?Only one suitcase

,You lost half my luggage you nimnulls!

) buzzes(

:MAN !Oh, Mindy

!Stop it

Don't you ever !do that again

Not even if my blouse !is on fire

.I can't believe you

Three dates and you think

you've got the right to attack me

!?like a Thanksgiving turkey

Oh, I love it .when you talk dirty

?What ?Will you cut it out

,Now, look

,You know I liked you a lot better

.when you were ineffectual

I don't even .think I like you at all after tonight

.Good point

I think I should take you home

.because I respect you

Well, I'll drive to make sure

we get to our respective homes

still respecting .each other

) groans(

Well, if that's the way ,you feel about it

?why don't you just walk home

Oh! If that's the way ,you want it

.I'll be happy to walk home

!Hey, wait a minute

!That's my car

Nanu-nanu.

...Father

what are you ?doing out here

This is where .I was dropped off

Oh, yeah? Well, I got .dropped off, too

You don't know !what happened to me

!He just took my car

Well, I'm glad to have someone I can trust

.to walk into town with

I mean, this isn't ,a confession or anything

but I only had three crummy dates with the guy

and he takes my car !and makes me walk

.Very interesting ?Mind if I take notes

I don't know ...where he gets off

) Mindy continues indistinctly(

Nanu-nanu.

) clunks(

Shazbot!

.Ah! Well, here it is

Thanks a lot for .walking me home, Father

I'm afraid I hardly ,gave you a chance to talk

.but I was just so mad

?You know what I mean

.Nab, nab. My pleasure

I was sent here ?to learn, you know

Well, if there's anything ...I can do for you

,If it's not too precious .a glass of water

,And if it is .a quart of oil will suffice

) Oh... ( laughs

I think I can spring .for the water

.Spring water. Humor

) honking bark(

.Better yet

?How about a little iced tea

,When on Earth .do as the Earthlings

?How are they treating you

?Do you talk to your plants, too

.Oh, yes, they're good listeners

.Especially the old ones

Yeah, I talk to my plants .all the time

Keeps them young .and keeps them healthy

...Oh

.Your suit's on backwards

?It is

.Boy, do I feel like a clone

.You're not a priest

?Who are you

.I am Mork from Ork

Nanu-nanu.

!?Ork

.Yes, you see, Ork is a planet

You follow the Big Dipper ,till it comes to a dead end

.then you hang an up

.An up

Up, down, hard to tell .out in hyperspace

.Oh, right

I have a poor sense .of direction myself

So, you're, you're from .outer space

Yes, do you mind if I take a few pictures

for the folks ?on the home planet

They'd like to get .some postcards

.Uh, no

Okay, watch the flookie.

?How did you do that

--With my Instamatic glove

some models starting under 30 thribets.

?Oh... mind if I do

) slurping(

.The pause that refreshes

) belches(

!You drank that with your finger

?Yes. How do you drink

.With my mouth

Well, how do you talk ?and drink at the same time

.Must be Drool City

,Now, look ,whoever you are

.now you can't scare me

Now, there's no such thing .as a man from outer space

Now, I don't know how ,you did those tricks

but you just better keep your distance

or you're going to hear me scream

like you've never heard .anybody scream

.I've never heard anyone scream

Is that your way ?of saying thanks

) knocking at door(

,Aha! Help has already arrived

,so you just stay cool ...space man, or else

) gasps(

) electronic pulsing(

.It's for you

.Ah, my lost luggage

50 nu-nu because my casual .clothes are in there

) high-pitched beep(

) hums happily(

.Take a hike

Scrim, scrim. Oh, I forgot.

.Sorry. Here we go

) coins clank(

.Keep the change

emits electronic( ) "thank you" tones

) hums happily(

You really are .from out there

,No, actually .I'm from out there

You see, out there's .not a nice neighborhood

I wouldn't even go there .during a total eclipse

.An alien

You're not going ?to hurt me, are you

!?Hurt you

No, damaging other life .forms is unthinkable to us

I wouldn't harm a harf on your choli-cho-cho.

It occurs to me we have not been .formally introduced

A formal introduction .is at hand

) toots fanfare(

) mimicks crowd cheering(

.Get down

.I am Mork from Ork

Nanu-nanu.

...Oh

.I'm, I'm Mindy McConnell

) toots fanfare(

) mimicks crowd cheering(

:) baby-like( .Ah

I like a being with a firm gribbet.

.Shows character .At least evolution

...Oh

.Well, thank you

Uh... how do you say thank you ?in your language

.We spit

Mind if I don't say ?thank you

.No sweat off my front

I just, I just .can't believe this

I'm standing here .talking to an alien

Do you realize ?the historic sweep of this

,I mean !the world will be astounded

No, nab, nab.

You see, my mission .is to observe Earth

And the only way I can do that

,is by being one of you .a face in the crowd

Which is easy .because I fit right in

.Not really

?No .No

?Are you sure

.Oh, I'm sure

.I tell you what

Now, I'm as interested in you and your planet

as you are about us

so how about I can teach you to act Earthling

if you teach me ?more about Ork

?Is that a deal

.A fair exchange .Let's formally close the deal

) squeaks(

?Mind if I just spit

.It's your house

?I will be staying here, won't I

I mean, I've heard so much

about your Earthling .hospitality

...Oh, well, you can, uh .temporarily

Oh, but if my father ...finds out

!?Father

On Earth you have .natural parents

You see, I'm .a test tube baby

?Really

Yes. My father was an .eyedropper, the scum

?Why would you say that

Well, he ran away .and left Mom

Ran off with a bottle .of nose drops

.Can't blame him, though

.She had those tight labels

playing "Beethoven's Fifth"( ) on piano

) repeats music phrase(

playing "Beethoven's( ) Fifth Symphony" loudly

) playing "Dueling Banjos"(

playing classical version( ) of "Dueling Banjos"

both playing( ) lively jazz piece

.Oh, come on

.Oh, come on, please, hey

!Stop! Stop

) whistles(

It's too early in the morning ".for "Dueling Beethoven

It's the only music

.I can challenge him with, dear

He won't play anything .by Alice Cooper

.That's because I play piano

Alice Cooper just beats on the keys

.with a dead snake

.But at least he shows feeling

Are you two going ?to start this again

.I am a musician

I sell violins .and I sell cellos

.They're classics

That's food for the spirit .and a feast for the soul

...While you peddle

) playing discordant note(

.junk food...

...Frederick

?Huh

If you were in Heaven ,and God said

I will give" --you a choice

,you can be born with brains"

or you can born with a ".permanent rash on your fanny

?Now which would you choose

.The brains

Good. I see you learn .by your mistake

Mother-in-laws are .the curse of marriage

Oh, Daddy, you know .she loves to tease you

It's what .keeps her young

Yes, but it's .making me old

Mindy, isn't that your ?second cup of coffee

.It's my fourth

.But you don't drink coffee

Why are you all of a sudden ,drinking gallons of coffee

...unless you .stayed up late

You're right. This must be .my first cup of coffee

...Mindy

Dad, I was up late .last night

Dad, I met the most .fascinating person

I was up half the night .talking to him

?Him

?Half the night

.Dad, I'm 21

.Oh, honey, I know, I know

It's just that I'll always .think of you as my little girl

.I know you will

Hey, Mindy, look who I found

wandering the streets .looking for you

,Correction :munchkin-like person

,I wasn't wandering

I was trying .to explore your world

,He's new in town .Eugene

Mork, I'll be happy to .show you around after work

?Work

Oh, yes. Most people .have to work for a living

.What a novel concept

Mindy, who's ?your beatnik friend

.Uh... Daddy, this is Mork

.Mork, this is Mr. McConnell

Nanu-nanu.

.Mork, he's my father

What an interesting .position to be in

.I tip my kripla to you, sir

♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah. ♪

Well, I guess it's time .for my violin lessons

Thank you for taking me .to your leader

Gizbah.

.Oh, yeah

...Ah, ah

Hey, Mork, I'd like .to see you again

?Were can I find you

.I'll be at Mindy's place

.Come by any time

.Hang tough, man

,What it was .my main man

?You'll be at Mindy's place

.Yes, we're living together

) nervous laughter(

.Catch you later, Jack .On the rebound, clown

.Your mama

?Living together

.That's not what it seems

Your grandmother's the one .with the hearing problem

I distinctly heard him say .you were living together

...Oh... oh, well, Mork .Mork is a practical joker

?You heard his voice, right

,And with a name like Mork

you'd be a practical ?joker too, right

Oh, then he's not staying ...in your, uh

and he's not sleeping ...in your, uh

No one is sleeping ...in my, uh

.Oh

And no one is sleeping .there either

) honking bark(

) honking bark(

.A pie in the face

How did you Earthlings think of something

?so original, so unique

Mork, you and I have ,got to have a talk

so you might as well sit down

and make yourself .comfortable

.Don't mind if I do

,Now, Mork... today .you did a bad thing

You told my father .we're living together

Now, I know you didn't mean ...to do any harm, and it's

?What are you doing

You said to make .myself comfortable

Mork, can you take ?a little constructive criticism

.Of course

It's not nice to sit .on your face

Then why did God ?put it there

--Oh, boy, I'll tell you

I can tell you teaching you to be Earthling

.is not going to be easy

Now, if you want to ,pass for one of us

the first thing we're going to have to do

is we're going to have .to work on your voice

.Your voice is not right

?Well, how about this one

:) Southern accent( ,You say another word

I'll blow your lips .into the sink

.That one's not quite you

?Or this one

:) as Ed Norton( .Hey, Ralphie, boy

:) as Jackie Gleason( !Norton, to the moon, Norton

...Or

:this one

:) as Shirley Temple( ♪ On the good ship Lollipop... ♪

How did you learn ?those voices

We've been monitoring .your TV for years

:My favorite is

:) as Desi Arnaz( .Lucy, you can't do the show

:) as Lucille Ball( !Ricky... Babaloo

.Oh, boy

I can tell this isn't .going to be easy

,Oh, Mork you just don't understand

.the problems you present

.I realize I do cause trouble

.Heavy sigh

The last time I was here .I caused a big problem, too

?You were on Earth before

.About 20 bleems ago

I was here to visit .my friend the Fonz

!You know him? Hey

?Are you interested

.Oh, yeah, definitely

Then I'll .take you back

Prepare a time-warp .sequence

) phone ringing(

.All right, I'm coming

.Yo

.Cunningham residence

No, Richie ain't here .right now

Because he and his family

went off on a little vacation .jaunt, you know

Hey, you sound .very adorable

?What's your name

?Mary. How are you

--Arthur Fonzarelli here .house-sitter

?You never heard of me

You new in town or you just ?back from lunch

Yes, Mary, I will tell .Richie that you called

.Yes. Bye-bye, Mary

,I want to tell you he knows some

.uninformed human beings

) electronic pulsing(

,All right, all right, all right ?"who's going "wee-wee-wee

I said, who's going ?"wee-wee-wee"

Hey, Ralph, if you're out there ,and this is a bad joke

I'll give you 30 seconds to find out

how much I don't enjoy ".wee-wee-wee"

.Whoa-whoa-whoa

.Greetings, Fonzie

Yabaz-abud-abid.

--Remember me ?Mork from Ork

You once called me ".the "nutso from outer space

I must be dreaming or something .like that, you know

...I mean, uh

.Of course I'm dreaming

That's why .Mary never heard of me

.Sorry, real thing

I had to zap your mind .to make you forget

Didn't want you .to go Bozo City

I think I want .to wake up now

.Strange custom

.Doesn't give me pleasure

.Don't be afraid

.I mean you no harm

...Yeah, right .No, I'm not afraid

!Oh, snacks

I want to be .your friend

--Yeah, okay, look

.I'm real sorry, you know

I mean, as much as I'd like to invite you in

to have a little small talk ,and everything

I got so many things ?to do, you know

Like give Richie a message from Mary

and clean the bugs .off my headlights

,Stuff like that ?you know what I mean

) high-pitched whirring(

?Hello

I've come for very .important information

,When I was here before

I observed an Earth ritual .that I could not comprehend

It drove me zazbot.

...Well, don't get unravel

Hey, let's not get .unraveled here

.Right

.We'll just talk about it

What is this particular ritual that made you "zizbit"?

.Men dating women

Well, I think you came .to the right place

What was it ?you wanted to know

) fast whirring(

.Oh, thanks a lot

.Why a man dates a woman

Don't men date women ?on your planet

Hard to tell; parts .are interchangeable

I don't know how you guys .got so far advanced, you know

I mean, there's .no incentive

.Oh

All right, look, right off the :bat, let me tell you something

It's very difficult ?to talk to you like this, eh

.Don't sit that close

!Oh

,All right, now you're telling me

that men don't kiss ?women on your planet

Kiss? I don't know .what that means

.Nice word .Has a pleasant ring to it

...Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss

?Can you hear the ring

,Yeah, yeah .yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

,Look, look, all right --a kiss

,it's very affectionate ?you understand

You got a boy ,and you got a girl

and they put their lips ,together, you see

and then they kind .of slide them around

.And it feels great

Sliding lips sounds .unappealing

Don't knock it till .you've tried it

,All right, look

,you got to meet a girl ,get to know her

find out if she's .willing or not

Do you know a girl ?who's willing

I know some girls ,that are willing and able

and then I know some ,that are not willing

and you're able .to convince them, yeah

Can you introduce me ?to one of the convincing ones

It's going to be .very hard

...But I

.Don't touch me

Perhaps you'd like ?to slide lips then

!Hey

.But you see, I need your help

You are known throughout the universe

for your expertise .in this field

?Oh, yeah .Oh, yeah, that's true

.Yeah, right

.All right, all right

I'm going to try .to find you a date

.Hey

You just got to do .me a favor

Go up to Richie's room and get on some of his clothes

so at least you ?look normal, huh

.You thank

My clothes do need .time warping

.Yeah

...But first

?What

?What is Richie's room

.Oh, yeah, you can't miss it

Lots of stripes and checks .and penny loafers

.Oh, penny loafers

Yeah. Hey, take .this with you

.Hut. Hike Shiznanee.

,But first .I remember Richie now

singing "Blueberry Hill"( ) in Orkan

.He needs a lot of work

Good thing he didn't land .at Potsie's house

All right, now who am I going ?to fix him up with

...Gloria Hockney

No, I don't want to put her .in a tizzy right away

?The Hoper triplets

Now there's a six-pack .to go

No, I don't want to put him .in a tizzy right away

.Hey

.Same to you, buddy

.Hi, Fonz

:LAVERNE What's this guy Mork look like?

Is he tall, dark and handsome?

Yeah, you know .what he is

He's a, he's .a foreigner

Oh, I don't .like foreigners

.They talk funny

?Where's he from

.Ork

.Oh

Sounds like .a nice country

,Yeah. Laverne, listen I just want

to spend a little time ,with him alone, you understand

so that I can, uh, brief him

,on American customs .you understand

Why don't you ?wait in the car

--My car broke .I took a bus

.Yeah, I'll fix your car

Why don't you wait ?on the bus, all right

.Thanks very much

I'll give you .two minutes

) muttering(

?Where is she

.If she's here, she must be tiny

I want to get a few things

straight with ?you, all right

...Number one

?What are you doing

I'm straightening .things out

,I start with my legs .then go to my arms

I'd do my neck except .I'd cut off the blood

.I'd probably die

Stop that. I want to talk to you

about kissing ?again, all right

I've been meaning .to ask you about that

I want to know why .I would want to do it

.Physical pleasure

Don't you do anything on your planet

that includes ?physical pleasure

Yes, there's one thing ,and it's against the law

.and I, I can't tell you

,Oh, wait a minute .wait a minute, wait a minute

Uh, we're having a man-to-man .talk, here, or whatever this is

.Uh... you can tell me

.All right .Yeah

When a woman touches ...a man here

) ecstatic gasping(

It drives me zazbot.

.Let me get this straight

,You're telling me ...if somebody touches you

) ecstatic gasping(

?What's next

Well, it only .happened to me once

This zazbot came ...over me and I

I couldn't .control myself

Well, I... I became ...a beast and I

.I jerked her earlobe

,I couldn't help it !you understand

) high-pitched sobbing(

:) high-pitched voice( .I honestly regret it

) sobbing(

.I regret it

.Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

.I regret it myself

.I understand, I understand

:LAVERNE !Fonzie

...Oop

.Your two minutes are up

...So, uh .you must be Morky

.I'm Laverne. Pleased

.I, too, am pleased

Nanu-nanu, nanu-nanu.

"Nanu-nanu"?

"Nanu-nanu"?

,Yeah, well ,you know

I got to go now because... What is nanu-nanu?

,two's company... .three's a crowd

?Know what I mean What is nanu-nanu?

.Oh, Earth humor ) honking bark(

Fonz, did you fix me ?up with another jerk

...Oh, a jerk

) gibbering(

?Was jerk good

.Oh, yes, yes

.That was a fine jerk

.Fonz

All right, look, just ...give me a break here

.I washed my hair for this .I ironed my skirt

Look, he's .a foreigner

He doesn't know .our customs

Just give him a ?break, all right

?Huh

.Yeah

Okay. But tell him .not to jerk

.It makes me nervous

.Okay

.Don't jerk

?What, are you nutso

.All right, look

If you get in a situation ,and you don't know what to do

just follow ,what Laverne does

.cause she knows the ropes' ?All right

.I know the ropes, too

I can tie a ,square hitch

,a sheepshank .many, many more

You're not going .for a merit badge here

.A sheepshank

) laughing(

.All right, listen, you two

.Knock your socks off

) laughing(

?Oh, that Fonzie, huh

...So, Morky

Uh, I'm not real good .in geography

,This Ork place ?where is that? Off Greece

No, we Orkans have been off grease

for at least five bleems.

Now for lubricants ,we use Viz, Gazh

-or the ever .popular Lemocoke

.Of course

I don't understand ".why we don't use "vimogoke

Probably your engines .couldn't handle it

They would either overload and pollute the atmosphere

or destroy the universe .as you know it

.Yeah, that makes sense

Is it time to ?flatter you

.Sure

You have a lovely fungus .growing out of your head

?Fungus? What fungus? What

Oh, fungus-- or any major group of fungi-- including

.mushrooms, mold or mildew

,Yeah, well I always wear mildew

when I want .to impress a guy

?What did Fonzie do to me

) muttering(

.I'm impressed

Is it time ?to kiss yet

.I don't think so. No

.I'm sorry

I'm new at this .dating ritual

?What's the next step

,Uh, well, uh uh, why don't you

sit down ?on the couch, huh

!?Oh, boy, will you look at that

?What? ( beeps ) What

?Look at what

.Nothing

.It's gone now

.Oh, you sit Fonz-like

.I must adjust and copy

.Get over there

.Sheesh

?Are you making fun of me

Because I don't like it ,when guys make fun of me

and if you keep ,making fun of me

.I'm going to give you a fat lip

.Fat lip .Oh, no-- rejection

I merely wanted to experience .the dating process

.Failure. Oh, no

.Return to hatchling state

) whimpering(

.Uh, look, I'm real sorry

I mean, I didn't .mean to reject you

) whimpering(

.Don't suck your finger

Your teeth .will end up like mine

) whimpering(

,Aw... Hey, come on, come on

,come on, come on .hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

I really would like to be your friend.

...Ah

) speaking Orkan(

,No, maintain .maintain, maintain

!Ahh! Ahh

,What, what ?what happened

.You touched me

.Yeah, I went like this

) shrieking(

No, no, gangnab, gangnab.

?Gangnab"? What? What"

...No, no, no

.Give me your earlobe

!?My what

,Your earlobe .delicious one

) shrieks(

.Oh

!Ow

I think you're getting off .on the wrong foot, buddy

.Oh wrong foot. Sorry !Ow

) shrieking(

.Stay there, stay there

Don't you .come near me

.Don't you come near me

I liked you better .as a baby

) speaking Orkan(

!Stop

) speaking Orkan(

) shrieking(

!Fonz! Fonz !He wants my earlobe

!Fonzie

.I think she likes me

.Ooh, her lobes

I just wanted .to tweak them

.Oh

Now, Mork, that's what

got you into trouble .the last time

,Alas, my lady .you do deal me pain

Tis justified' .and I shall repent

.Oh, come on

Hey, where did you ?get that voice

.From yon video ,Twas Shakespeare, methinks'

though 'twas The Jeffersons.

Well, that, that voice is normal

if you forget the ".twas" and the "twits"

.I'll twy

.Here

Read this. Just .turn to any page

Her fingers trembled" as she undid her blouse

"...and let it fall to the

.Oh

.Anot... Another page

.His nostrils flared"

."Her nostrils flared

".Everything flared

I don't know why .this book is overdue

.Here

Uh, just turn .to any page

My shorts!' cried"' the senator

".as he ran from the room

!That's it

That's it. Mork, we've .made a breakthrough

?...A break

.Yes, your voice

.We found a voice for you

:) high-pitched( !A breakthrough! A breakthrough

.Yeah. Ah-ah

.Your voice

:) deep voice( .Sorry

I've learned a lot .of things since last night

.Let me examine them

.Number one, this phony voice

You shouldn't use .the other one

At least, don't use it .around other people

Number two, don't .drink with my finger

Number three, don't .sit on my face

Oh, and you forgot ,the fourth thing

and it's the .most important

Don't tell my father .we're living together

.I don't understand

He doesn't know ?you're living

,It's not the living it's the together

.he wouldn't understand

.No, I wouldn't

.Dad

,Greetings .Mr. McConnell

.Don't you "greetings" me

.I wanted to believe you today

I came over here hoping ...I wouldn't find

.what I found

You came over here ?to check up on me

I came over here to prove to myself

that my daughter hadn't lied to me

and that she wasn't .living with a man

.Dad, it's not like that

Instead I proved to myself ...that my little girl

.isn't my little girl any longer

...But, Dad

...Dad

!Good-bye .Thanks for dropping over

.Oh

?You all right, Fred

) shrieks(

.I seen your lights on

You should have been .closed hours ago

.Tilwick, my old friend

Come over here .and help me celebrate

I've been saving this bottle of champagne

since 1967 for my .daughter's wedding

Oh, I wanted it .to be so special

I was gonna have tuxedos and flowers

and a little band

that I just might .conduct myself

It was gonna be .real classy

Here, you'll have to drink .from the bottle

.Empty

.Then suck the cork

?What's wrong here, Fred

!A toast! A toast

,A toast to the old days

when values were values .and morals were morals

"I remember when "sharing a pad .meant borrowing a notebook

What are you ?talking about

--My daughter-- my daughter

.is living with a man

?Mindy

,Oh, come on .that can't be

.It's true, it's true

She's a loose woman and I .don't know how to tighten her

Well, I don't .believe it

That's not the .Mindy I know

,All I know is .I've done all I can

.I can't do anything else

Well, there's .something I can do

?What

.I'm a cop

,I represent, uh .law and order

But he hasn't .done anything illegal

Listen, you don't .get the idea

Now I'll just... I'll just whip over there

and I'll just scare the .daylights out of him

You know, "Hit the "!road, hamburger

.Like that

?You'd do that for me

Sure, first thing

in the morning .when I get off duty

?Really .Sure

?Hello

!?Hello

?Anybody in there

,Little hatchling brothers

you must revolt .against your oppressors

You have nothing to lose .but your shells

,As much as I like Mindy

it's against intergalactic law .to eat fellow space travelers

!Fly, be free

Well, I guess we'll have to have .a quick burial at sea then

.I'll notify your next of kin

.Your brother bit the big one

,What's the matter ?have you no emotions

?Are you hard-boiled, huh

.Oh, I see

The cold machine placed you

in a state .of suspended animation

I'll put you over here ,to warm up

,and when you revive .you'll be free to fly

.Over here

) humming(

,You people really are short ?you know that, don't you

) knocking on door(

.Oh

!Smoky

.Hi. I'm Mork

,Now, listen, kid

I don't belong to ,your fraternities

so watch it .with them secret handshakes

?Is Mindy McConnell here

Uh, no, she's at a .place she calls work

,A strange concept .but she enjoys it

Oh. And I suppose ?you don't like work

.I don't know, never tried it

.I see

?So you just sponge off Mindy

Oh, no, we've never .taken a bath together

No, no, I mean .you live off her

,Listen I've met your type before

and you're just about

the lowest form of life .there is

:) imitating twang( .Well, you better check up on your biology then

The lowest form of life is a geje, voje

-and the ever crawling neba-jij.

Don't give me none of that .intellectual mumbo-jumbo

I happen to be a good friend of the McConnells

and I don't want .to see Mindy hurt

.Mindy hurt? I'd never allow it

.Then I want you to take off

.Take off? I just landed

.Now listen here, buster

I can make a lot .of trouble for you

You see this here ?uniform

.It is a uniform

I didn't want to make .mention of it

Are you a member ?of Space Patrol

?Are you putting me on

?Putting you on

.You're not even hollow

) honking bark(

.Yeah, right

Did Orson send you to help me

,with my friends ?the eggs

.Right

) cracking(

) groans(

Nimnull, didn't you ?see him coming

How can I help you if you won't ?even help yourselves

Why are you looking ?at me like that

?Am I in trouble

:) whispering( .Fred, I got to talk to you

Uh, did you ?scare him off

Well... he won't be ,bothering Mindy anymore

but I didn't .scare him off

?Well, what

) whispers(

!?You what

Well, I just wanted you

to get rid of him-- not that.

.Well, I had to

,I-I didn't want to .but I had to do my duty

?You think I enjoyed it

?This is about Mork, isn't it

?What have you done

Well, I... I just went up there

to scare .the little fella

,It's not my job ,but when I seen him

I knew I had ,to do my duty

.as much as I hate it

?Well, what was your duty

Well, I know he's ,a friend of yours

--but that guy is bonkers .I had to take him in

They're going to have a ,sanity hearing tomorrow

and I'm afraid they're going .to put your friend away

!?Daddy, how could you

?Tilwick, how could you

Well, the court is well aware

of your qualifications

,as a psychiatrist .Dr. Litney

Now, you examined ?the defendant

,Uh, yesterday

...and I may say

!Stop everything

,Oh, Mork ,I'm sorry we're late

but they wouldn't tell us

where the meeting .was being held

Young lady, cases of this kind

are not supposed .to be public spectacles

Ah, but we're here as character witnesses

--for the defendant ,although personally

.I never really liked him

:MINDY ,Your Honor

my name ,is Mindy McConnell

,and this is my father

and I want to go on record as saying

that Mork has the right .to have a lawyer

I will not permit him to be .on trial without counsel

!I'm his lawyer

.The court appointed me

,Young lady ,this is an informal situation

but I assure you, no one .is trying to railroad anyone

Uh, may I ask just ?one little question

?Oh, why not

...The question is

!Mork is innocent

True, he is different ,from most

but this great country was

built on the rights of .individuals to be individuals

We have the God-given right ,to be eccentric

and therefore ...I demand

) pounds table(

that Mork be exonerated !and set free

.I suggest you sit down

We're hearing the testimony .of Dr. Litney

.Oh. I'm sorry

.She's sorry

--Dr. Litney --if we may continue

what was your conclusion after ?examining the defendant

,Your Honor my conclusions are

that the patient is extremely childlike

and incapable .of learning

He has also exhibited

.marked antisocial behavior

Therefore, it is my opinion that the defendant

is incompetent .to function in society

.No more questions

.No questions

But you have

!to ask questions

Mork, don't let them .do this to you

.You don't know what it means

I have .a vague idea

I saw a rerun of Perry Mason last night

and Inherit the Wind.

) gavel pounding(

Since there are ...no more witnesses

.Your Honor, I salute you

Nanu-nanu.

,Your Honor, in your law

is it true that I have a right ?to speak for myself

.Well... yes

) clears throat(

:) Southern drawl( ...Dr. Litney

,you don't like me... ?do you

,Your Honor I have never been

interrogated .by a patient before

Then how do you know ?I'm doing it now

) honking bark(

You said I exhibited .antisocial behavior

?Why

,Well, first of all

you wouldn't tell me .where you were from

.And you, neither

.That's not my job

.And it's not mine, either !We're even

Now, about these tests you ran

.that made you hate me

:) chuckles nervously( ...Your Honor

,I don't hate this man

,but yesterday ,during one of my tests

he tried to put a square peg .into a round hole

,But I did it .Your Honor

.He did. He did

I don't know ,how he did it

but I can't get ,the peg out now

and it ruined .a perfectly good board

And that's why you .dislike me, Dr. Litney

.I can sense that

Your Honor, I don't have .time for this, really

?Oh, the time .Excuse me

) It's... ( beeps .10:36 exactly

,You see, Your Honor he's wearing

a wristwatch .on his ankle

,No, Your Honor I'm wearing

an ankle watch .on my ankle

If I was wearing an ,ankle watch on my wrist

.then I'd be crazy

,Your Honor .you see he's a wiseacre

And you don't ,like wiseacres

?do you, Dr. Litney

!No, I don't

And that's why you're .prejudiced against me

.I didn't say that

You see how he's cleverly ?twisting my words, Your Honor

Oh, so you're calling me .clever now, Dr. Litney

Isn't that another ?word for intelligent

,So you see ,Your Honor

doesn't this case hinge ?on my ability to learn

,Yes, it does .Your Honor

,And by the way he flunked

his word association test .outright yesterday

That's the test where I give him ...words like, uh, like

.White .Black

.Tall .Uh, short

.Sky .Birds

.Sex !Uh, Pamela

!You said you'd never tell

...Oh

.Never tell, never tell

.Shh, shh

.You promised

:) crying( !Now you've ruined everything

?Pamela! You and Litney

...I thought we were

,Your Honor I have a patient

to take care of .in a short while

?Could you excuse me

No, you're not going .anywhere without me

!Just a s... Pamela !Pamela

...Your Honor

.Your Honor, the defense rests

While it's true that the, uh, defendant

may add a new dimension ",to the word "eccentric

.there is no law against that

And since it appears he's no ,danger to himself or society

and we no longer ,have a prosecutor

or a witness

or anyone ...to write this down

.case dismissed...

!We won. We won

!You won

:MORK Mork calling Orson.

Come in, Orson.

.Mork calling Orson .Come in, Orson

.Mork calling Orson

.Come in, Orson

.Come in, Laser Breath

:ORSON .Watch it, Mork

I'm only 60 million .light-years away

Just tell me what .you've learned about Earth

.Oh, I've learned a lot

So much, it's hard .to comprehend

It seems that everyone on ,this planet is an individual

,and not only that .they're proud of it

!Amazing

,If everyone's different ?how can a society function

.Not very well

They almost locked me up

because they thought .my mind was imperfect

.Hmm .Intelligent life

...Orson

something very strange happened

.that really confuses me

I met this Earth girl ,and her biological father

,and at my hearing

,they came to my defense .especially the girl

She defied the system .to protect me

Why would she ?do such a thing

.I don't know

It must have something .to do with emotions

Investigate .the phenomenon closely

It's interesting ,behavior

even if .it is irrational

.Yes, it is

Orson, this may ...sound strange, but

knowing that someone ,would do that for me

well, it makes me feel .really good inside

,Just remember ,Mork

you're sent ,there to observe

not to get .involved

.Yes, Your Immenseness

This is Mork signing off .from Boulder, Colorado

Until next week... nanu-nanu.