Original subtitles

Not a cloud in the sky

Where could my lover be?

One hundred flowers bloom just waiting to be picked

Won't he stop a while and smell them?

The Purple Sword of Heaven?

That should be worth a few bucks!

Who goes there?

What is your name?

I can't tell you my real name

But I'm going to a place called America

And my new name will be The Green Hornet!

Don't you know the Purple Sword of Heaven

Belongs to Purple Cloud the immortal?

l'm just a thief, what's it to me?

For a thief, such ignorance

Can be a very dangerous thing!

Give it a rest pal!

lf I was an educated man

I wouldn't need to be a thief then would l?

Well then, allow me to enlighten you.

The woman you just robbed

ls the immortal, Rose.

She is obsessed with the exploits of the legendary Purple Cloud.

And is waiting for the day when her true love comes along

And pulls the sword from its scabbard.

So that together they can live happily ever after.

So she stole the Purple Sword of Heaven

from its place in front of the Celestial Lantern

And brought it to the world of mortals.

Just as Purple Cloud once did

She too is looking for someone who can release the sword

Well who is it then?

lt was me.

Now it's you!

Where did you go?

Come out!

You pig headed fool!

Finally, l have found him.

He is The One !!

The One, What if we get married tonight!

What are you doing?

What the hell?

My pants get loose when I'm nervous

You've pulled out the Purple Sword of Heaven!

I'm so excited

There's been a misunderstanding

lt was that jackass who pulled the sword out just now, Not me!

Where is he?

He's gone. He said he was going to America

You can still catch him if you leave now!

You're only kidding yourself.

My heart is in agony...agony

Since God has already blessed this marriage

Why don't we just accept it?

Right? Just accept it!

Be a good boy!

Miss

To prove that l didn't release the sword

l'll try again right now just to show you!

One, two, three!

It doesn't count. Three for two

One, two, three...

This thing is broken

l know!

Perhaps you can't accept this blessing

Βecause you can't believe

That God could shine so kindly upon you

By having sent me to marry you

Actually, l didn't think it was you either. Not at first.

Βut if we could have figured this out for ourselves

We would have no use for God!

Well then, have you figured out that

I could use this sword to kill you now?

Ok!

Deng...Deng...Deng...Deng...

This is our wedding cake

We can have the ceremony tonight

Over my dead body!

I'll devote myself to you just like this baby pig

Take your time. Enjoy it.

Come, quickly!

Quickly!

Enough!

Wait for me!

Don't follow me!

Stop running!

Stop!

lt was my fault! I shouldn't have robbed you!

Take some money and let me go please!!

Have you lost your mind?

So many people who could have robbed me. But it was you.

It was destined that we would be together.

Why the hell is this banana in a bamboo forest?

Isn't it destiny for banana and bamboo to be together?

Like you and me. At first glance, it appears not to match

Come to think of it, we are just like this banaboo

Talk to you later

Qing Yi Se the thief, we've been tracking you for over a month

Come with us to the sheriff's station!

Don't be afraid! I'll protect you!!

You protect me? I would rather give myself up!

This way!

Come on!

Good! Good...

Where'd they go?

No idea. Where did they go?

Right! They were just here

Can't have gone too far

Check the Water Cube!

Ok!

Qing Yi Se. Don't run so fast...

Why are you so happy?

Look

The road to marriage

I won't give it to you! Bite me?

Bull Demon King! Stop!

You thought I wouldn't recognize you with plastic surgery?

l'd recognize your ashes

Plastic surgery...you think l had plastic surgery?

l came up with a new look just for Purple Cloud, you don't like it?

Give me back the box!

You lost. You have to drink! Stop running!

Kill him!

Got it!

Anybody else?

Me!

Wait for me!

Purple Cloud! Where are you?

Since you can't find Purple Cloud

Why don't you just let us use the Moon Light Box

Yeah! l want to find the Tang Monk

I have something urgent to discuss with him

You call yourselves my friends?

For my true love

For my Purple Cloud

l travelled through time and space with this Moon Light Βox

I left my wife! Think that was easy for me?

You two promised to assist me

But now neither of you are being much help.

l...

Excuse me...

ls this the legendary Moon Light Βox ?

Not only moon light! With the latest upgrade

we also can use solar power

What about the Βhagavati Sutra?

Βhagavati?

Bhagavati...

Βhagavati...Don't say it!

Don't say it

Got out!

Wait for me!

This is the chaos of war. Where have l travelled to?

Excuse me! Please tell me where we are?

We are at Chang Ban Slope

At war with Cao's army, General Zhao

What?

General!

General Zhao...

l'm giving Ah Dou to you

You got the wrong guy

Give yourself to me

Why are you giving me a baby?

General Zhao

Please take Ah Dou with you and bring him to your lord, Liu Bei!

I told you I want you, not the baby!

General...

l heard before that Zhao Zi Long was a scoundrel!

l would rather jump down a well than let you take advantage of me!!

Don't! Don't jump

Don't jump!

I steal treasure. Not virtue!

l just want that piece ofjade on your chest!

Ah...Crown prince master!

Death to you, Zhao Zi Long!

That's revolting...

l always knew you stank.

How are things going over there?

Missing an eye and still no mercy!

Sons of bitches!

Meet the human fire hose!

General Zhao Zi Long is back with Ah Dou!

Zi Long...

My lord! l got Ah Dou back!

My Lord? Or the Prime Minister?

Huh, what's your name?

I'm Cao!

That's right! Prime minister and Liu Bei were enemies yesterday

l surrender to you today

And dedicate Ah Dou to you

So isn't yesterday's Prime mister today's...

My lord!

Guess if l believe you or not.

l will give you one chance to tell the truth

Lie and I will have you killed!

l...l can tell you but you won't believe me

Try me

Thanks my lord

One afternoon about five hundred years ago

l was just doing my job as usual, stealing treasure not virtue

When l caught a woman

Βut l didn't do anything to her

A series of strange things happened,

starting with a purple heavenly sword.

A bastard pulled it out from the scabbard somehow

But he kept on saying l did it

And then this woman called Rose totally believed him

And she forced me to marry her

Of course l refused.

So l just ran and ran

And ran and ran

Finally I defeated that Βull Demon King and then

Wrong! l was that woman

Just like the woman of Bull Demon King

She gave me a moon cake box

And Βoom! I showed up here

So I just brought Ah Dou by to have tea and moon cakes with you

Do you believe me?

You dare play language games with me?

lf Liu Bei's men can do it

My men can do it too

You!

Yes!

One afternoon about five hundred years ago

l was just doing my job as usual, stealing treasure not virtue

When l caught a woman

Βut l didn't do anything to her

A series of strange things happened,

starting with a purple heavenly sword.

A bastard pulled it out from the scabbard somehow

But he kept on saying l did it

And then this woman called Rose totally believed him

And she forced me to marry her

Of course l refused.

So l just ran and ran

And ran and ran

Finally l defeated that Bull Demon King

Wrong! l was that woman

Just like the woman of Bull Demon King

She gave me a moon cake box

And Βoom! I showed up here

So I just brought Ah Dou by to have tea and moon cakes with you

Do you believe me?

Encore! Encore...

Encore...

Bravo! Βravo!

I'm talking about you! I'm talking about you!

What? What?

Forget it... Forget it...

Are you some kind of parrot?

Hey! What are you doing?

What are you doing? From that sparkle in your eye

I can confidently discern that you are an assassin

Frisk him!

Yes!

Blinking is my occupational hazard. Bro!

What box? Βring it to me

Yes!

Βha...vati

Don't say it! Prime minister!

That's just for decoration.

lt's actually for plucking nose hairs

It's not that easy to fool Cao!

No, it's not...

You're saying this is Ah Dou?

l just don't believe it

lt might be a bug!

Maybe even a recorder

You're saying it's a pair of tweezers

l think it's for clipping toe nails

Now I'm going to let you and this thing called Ah Dou

Go home

Prime Minister, you're going to let them go just like that?

It's called hiding an iron hand inside of a velvet glove.

Give him 3 bags of milk powder, you know which brand, right?

Understood

Yes!

I want my nail clippers back!

l want my nail clippers back...

As far as I know

Dong Wu and Liu Βei have already formed an alliance

Today, Zhou Yu and Zhu Ge...

Are going to sing together tonight

Wow this vodka is so pure!!

Mr. Zhu Ge, this is Oolong tea!

I mean this Oolong is

As pure as Vodka

Βeyond all expectations

Mr. Zhu Ge

Βecause of my heart disease and hypertension!

l take tea instead of vodka

ok

Mr. Zhou, war or peace, you have to decide as soon as possible

Cao's army is heading south

Mr. Lu Su

We made a deal

We wouldn't talk about war today. Just try to have some fun

I've heard that Mr. Zhu Ge is a master of various disciplines

He is well versed in music, chess, calligraphy, painting...everything

May I ask you to write something for my lady?

Just a little bit!

l just know a little bit about everything

To be honest my reputation is something of an exaggeration

Ok, l'll try my best!

Mr. Zhou!

Oh!! Βeau?

Wrong

It's beautiful

This is what I can spell so far

Like l said l know a little bit about everything,

people always think I'm just modest

Actually l really only know a little

You are very charming

And your calligraphy is moist, not dry

Clear but not chilly. Plump but not heavy.

Refreshing to spirit and stimulating to mind!

I'm so flattered

May l ask if you know music?

A little bit!!

If Zhou Yu and Zhu Ge could play music together just one time

That song would be sung for an eternity

And result in a very popular karaoke selection

From his music

l sensed that he had read my mind

From his music I sensed that

He has read that l read his mind

From their music

l sensed that we'd be going home soon!!

From their music

I sensed that they would be wanting sweet and sour pork for dinner

General Zhao is back with Ah Dou!

General Zhao is back!

Please sign it, General Zhao

ok...

Alright no problem...

Be careful

One by one, no problem

Lady, you're stepping on my foot!!

Next...no hurry...

Ok...

Βe careful...

Be careful

General, general!

I'll sign for you of course

Sign these too

Βrother! Need some signatures for your girlfriend?

Girlfriend?

These are for the money you still owe!

You need to sign these for the bank!

Hurry up!!

l'll deal with you later ok?

Hey Hey!

You...

What are you looking at? Heeheehee...

Your bone structure is exquisite. It's one in a million.

l'll give you a discount

This is what I have, which one do you like?

What kind of book?

Why would l read this kind of book?

Personally I prefer the Spring and Autumn Annals

Spring and Autumn Annals my ass!

You took my porn books. Don't take airs with me!!

Hey...Yee...

Yee... Yee...what?

Why do you just always yee yee when you see me?

I thought you forgot about me!

How can l forget?

Are they fresh water pearls or ocean?

Zi Long

Βig brother is waiting for you!

ls that him?

I'm very kind. No need to be afraid!

My lord! General Zhao is back!

General Zhao is back!

My lord!

Zi Long, you've been through a lot!

My lord!

l risked my cherished life

Handsome face and sexy voice

And successfully protected the young lord's life

I don't expect a great award even though l did a great job

Several thousand taels of silver should be fine

No price is too high for this accomplishment.

Missus!

Yes!

Help yourself

Ah!Ah!Ah!

What the hell?

Now what?

This is my husband's latest invention, straw swim fins

Specially made for fighting against Cao's army across the river.

We shall be victorious!!

Wow. Even poor people like you enlisted?

How dare you!

Scary!

What you just said definitely weakened my soldiers' morale

Missus...

Zi Long is just being honest.

Zi Long, l have a good idea

Let's cooperate with foreign kingdoms

Once we have conquered these lands

I propose a low-risk revenue sharing model

We can attacking Cao both from front and back

And afterwards we can split the spoils

30/70

But we have to a learn foreign language to communicate with them

There is no better communication than music

Music is the international language

My lord,

The good-will ambassador from Turkestan is waiting, my lord!!

Please!!

Should old acquaintance be forgot

and never brought to mind?

Should old acquaintance be forgot

and days of auld lang syne

for auld lang syne,

my dear, for auld lang syne

we'll take a cup of kindness yet

for auld lang syne

su-la-la su-la-la ah-ah-ah-o-

de-la-gi-la su-la-la ah...

We two have paddled in the stream

From morning sun till dine

But seas between us broad have roared

Since auld lang syne

for auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne

we'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne

My brother! I think the ambassador likes you

ln that case, l'll assign you to protect her.

No, it's not necessary. I just...

Do me a favor, come on!

You little bugger! Hiding here with your porn.

No wonder you're always blushing

Good night, ambassador!

Hmm! The Moon Light box

Can't you just take me somewhere peaceful

to enjoy a happy life together?

Making me a watch dog, protect the ambassador

My ass!!

l'd better go to Cao's

to get the box back!

Here are the keys! General

We figured you would deal with Cao

Oh ya?

Since we both have similar interests

Why don't we go back to have a drink before killing Cao

Ok

My treat

A bunch of dumbasses. Want to get me drunk?

l'm still standing while they're down for the count.

Gen...

What's it to you!Do we know each other?

You guys all pretending to be a tree?

Next time I'll pretend to be a pile of shit! What'll you do then?

Shit isn't difficult.

Peeing. Now that's hard.

Lazing about are we?

General!

Ah? What's your name?

l'm Osim!

What are you doing?

Ancient Thai massage!

This is all the rage down south

Changing tempo with the screaming of the customer

The louder you are, the faster it goes!

What time is it?

Aren't you going for a midnight snack? Where are your priorities!

I know you can't accept me right now

I don't mind

Love is like a durian

The first bite

It's hard

But with time and you'll learn to love it

In order to help you accept me little by little

lnstead of being scared of my appearance

l disguised myself as the ambassador

God! lt's so stuffy in this thing!

Ah...?

That's more like it.

Ambassador!!

You idiot.

I am a human! Don't crank me like an engine!

Till you accept me

Ambassador...

Ambassador...Ambassador...

Who?

Are you alright?

l'm fine!

lt's impossible. l saw your head...

What about my head?

I saw it...split

That was my sister's head!!

When did your sister arrive?

What, what did I say

I don't have a sister, where's the head?

General!

You scared me! Sesame soup is ready!

Good timing. Have some soup ok?

Ambassador... You look different?

Women always look different without makeup

Have some soup!

You don't like it?

People from Turkestan prefer to drink it cold!!

But I waited for it to cool off already

Let's eat it then!

You...

lt's normal!!

Every night after 12 o'clock, we have to rest our hands

So we can't use them to eat

Why didn't you tell me?

My lord asked me to serve you, l can't very well disappoint him

Come on. Open up!

Sister

Don't start it if you can't finish. Such a waste!

You can drink some if she doesn't!

Why don't you drink it?

Maybe not!

Go, go, go...

What happened to your sister? She's so floppy

The earth is under attack...

Ah! She looks so familiar

lt doesn't make sense!

He's starting to get used to my look

Hey! Security here is so tight,

there must be some gap we can sneak through

General, we don't have any gaps here!!

I see. Bit of an awkward question is it?

How about this, can you tell me if, hypothetically speaking

There was a gap,

where it might be?

This is so well concealed. Nobody would ever find it!

Stab

Stick

Prick, prod!

Stab, stick, prick, prod!

You there! What is the difference between

Stab, stick, prick, and prod?

Nothing!

Basically, it's just four kinds of poking.

There he goes blowing things up again!

Prod!

You dare blow up my gate?

Jen...

l kill you...

Jen...

You dare blow up my gate...

Such a beauty

No wonder General Gan would want to die in her arms!

l'm sure she is the kind of women

to steal your money and your heart all in one fell swoop

Not you too?...

Truth be told, in the very heart of every man

There is a bitch...

Βitch! Where's my rent!

Landlady, how did you get here?

None of your business

You don't have money to pay the rent.

Βut you can afford to train an army for war?

Is Liu Βei really so powerful? Is Sun Quan really so fierce?

lf you don't pay up in two days

l'll tear this place down

and build a shopping mall!

Got it?

A little bit!

Are you screwing with me?

l couldn't be more clear

And you tell me you understand a little bit

I understand...completely!!

A little bit is just my pet phrase

Could you put your sword away, lady?

No way!

Land lady

We are about to start the battle against Cao

Rent won't be a problem if we win the war

Βut the problem is

Can't you just wait a few days?

Losers!

l wouldn't hire you to plaster a wall, and you want to fight Cao?

Ever heard the term economic meltdown?

How about subprime crisis?

Even I'm fighting to survive in this climate,

how can you possibly win?

Fine!

l'll give you 10 percent off

Fine!

Brothers, my landlord mocks us

She says we're going to fail

Let's prove to her

That she's wrong about our stock!

That's right!

Death to Cao! Get money to pay the rent!

Honey. lt seems these people really don't have money

If you don't let them do some pillaging

We probably won't see a penny!

How do you know?

l just spoke to Mrs. Zhou, Xiao Qiao

She really has nothing!

Were you checking her out?

I peeped on her in the bath. l'm telling you, she's got nothing!

You want to beat me?

Tricked me into jumping into this shithole, damn you!

Wow General Xia

The Prime Minister is brilliant

Wu's army thought we marched the long way around

And would assembly all our forces

for a decisive victory on the east bank

So stupid. Prepare the surprise attack.

Stop!

This kid is so ugly

This is not right,

they are not scared by us.

Maybe it's a trap!

He mentioned my mom. Kill them!

General Xia!

General Xia! There might be an ambush ahead!

I don't believe it! I hate people making jokes about my mother!

Protect General Xia...hurry, hurry up!!

Feeling anything?

Don't be so preoccupied with appearances!

Actually my heart is a thing to be valued as well!

I should say

l am the one in a million who is faithful in love

l'm not afraid of you!

Great!

Get ready for the reflection!!

Kill!

All the horses have closed their eyes!

Quick! Sunglasses!

Calm down, brothers!

We've been through so many battles.

There's nothing they can throw at us that we haven't seen before!

Come...

Awesome

Where did they find them? More than awesome

It's awe-inspiring!

ls it?

After all this

You know l am a person who has the courage to love and hate

I think it's the time to reveal my true face!

Qing Yi Se...

Fire!

Yes!

Ambush!

Where? Withdraw! Withdraw!

Withdraw!

Withdraw! Retreat!

Retreat!

I don't believe l can't get rid of you...

You dare to stop me? Little prick...

l'm not stopping you...Ya...

l'll cut you to pieces!!

Don't be afraid. I'm here

Come on. Wake up

l'll carry you back if you don't wake up!

You want me to carry you?

What does this mean?

Did they...

Add Rice beside my Cao?

And put English on it?

Tonight l will steal one of his flags

And l'll...

Add some fries to his Liu.

I should be punished!

Let's engage them on the river since we failed over land!

Please think twice Prime Minister

Even though we have an army of eight hundred thousand.

We are not used to fighting on water.

Prime minister

The ships keep swaying back and forth

Our soldiers are getting dizzy

and nauseous

So we...

l just don't believe

How is that only southerners can handle water

We northerners have been riding on horseback all day

Swinging around all the time too

Why don't we feel dizzy?

It's simple

When we're riding

We swing back and forth

Starting tomorrow,

We ride side to side.

Swinging left to right. Like a willow tree.

We'll get used to it!

Fighting on water

Will be a piece of cake!

Right!

Why didn't we think of that?

Right! The Prime minister is wise!!!

Prime minister,

allow me to train our eight hundred thousand soldiers

in your willow swinging technique.

l'll wipe out Wu to atone for my earlier failures...heehee

Kneel down!

I should be punished!

Don't get angry, Prime minister!

War cannot be won through a single tactic

Βetter for us to fight this battle on two legs!

l've hired a top assassin

To murder Liu Βei!

l know!

lt must be Jin Ke

Wrong!

It's the legendary king of killers

The Fire Cloud Evil God!!

Prime minister

Are you sure this old guy can do it?

Strength can always be overcome...

Only speed is eternally victorious

l shot my hand, I didn't even blink!

Isn't that great?

Look! Now l'm going to shoot myself in the head

What did I tell you? All in the reflexes

I just lower my head, and he takes the bullet!!

Everyone calm down!!

lt's not a big deal to get hurt in Kungfu world.

It's just a few stitches.

Don't you have the miracle doctor Hua Tuo?

Please have him tend to my wounds!!

You just shot him!

How can it be you? I must be dreaming?

It's not a dream. It is me!!

Ok! I'll change back.

There, how's that? Βetter?

You are so shallow

Isn't it still me inside?

Great!

Why do you like me this way?

You don't like it?

You're an immortalist?

Or you don't have the guts to love me?

Who doesn't have guts?

lt just so happens that in this world,

I reserve my love for strawberries, apples and oranges

That's all?

Why didn't you tell me?

I'll get them for you!

I'm an immortal. l can be anything you want!

Can you be a Moon Light box?

Yes! But I won't be the real one.

A fake one doesn't work.

lf you really want it...

I am an immortal after all.

I'll just go to Cao's to get it.

Great idea!

What is great? Aren't you afraid of me?

Who said that? How come?

Didn't you scream every time you see me?

Men scream because

when they see the woman of their dreams

They can't control their happiness!!

Really?

Happy...

Ya...ah...yeah...yes...

Are you very happy?

Happy!

Please let me down!

lt's so soon you're done being happy?

Of course not! Βut l miss you so much!

Do you love me then?

Come on! l love you so much...

l deserve it!

l love you!

You love me for what?

I wouldn't love you if you were the last person on earth.

You still owe me for your gambling debt.

You still can't repay me?

And yet you come here with murder in your eye?

What the hell do you want?

l was sent here to kill Liu Bei and Sun Quan

They are my tenants

And still owe me several months rent

If you kill them, my wife will take another month's loss

She won't let you go!

lf you say so. I guess I'll have to kill you both

I'll get to keep the money l owe you

and make a little extra on the side

Good can't coexist with evil. lt has always been thus.

And if l refused to go to hell, who would take my place?

Enough with the cliches

Stop talking!

Come on! I haven't got all day!

A big fight always begins with a prologue.

Six Fingered String Demon?

The Lion Roar doesn't scare me

Why would I fear your shitty strings?

How about Buddha Fist?

Right!

Βring on the one in a million

You?

Where's your old man?

My dad has gone to the United States. He sent me to handle you!

As the saying goes, one generation replaces the other

CJ Seven is better the Six

Daddy...

Have you lost your mind? How could you beat up a little kid...

Call your dad then!!

Not necessary! I got friends!

Hubby

Do you remember

the time you got clobbered by a fist falling from the sky?

You mean the lost Buddha Fist?

Why are you fighting us, not The Fire Cloud Evil God?

You want to be killed? You...

Animals are stupid. l told you so!

It's a perfect day for a war. The breeze is marvelous!

Keeps the men from getting sweaty

Rose. Be careful.

lf you get sick,

l'll die of a broken heart.

How about I knit a scarf for you tonight!

Promise me you will take care of yourself!

Rose, you've been so good to me, let me carry you

Look, the grass is so sharp

l'll kill them if your feet get hurt!

Come!

Qing Yi Se my dear, do you know...

What a woman wants most?

To marry a rich guy and get dozens of houses under her name

To go shopping around carrying a Louis Vuitton

Drinking swallows nests and munching abalone!

For a woman, no matter how successful she is out there in the world...

The most important thing is to come back home, a real home!!

Right! Well said! l like you just the way you are

And l am a family man myself

l always say

l'll steal all the treasure and jewelry for my wife

And take all the toys for my son...

I adore you, Qing Yi Se!

After you.

I'll get the fruit! Ok!

Rose

Come back soon

l can't go to long without seeing you,

you know that?

Em!

Hubby, you're back?

Hubby?

Do l know you?

l'm your wife

You've got the wrong person, don't you?

You are the princess of Dong Wu and I'm the general of Han Royalty

We have nothing to do with each other

How come l didn't know l have a family here?

Of course you didn't know

You are always out there fighting your wars

And taking care of the ambassador

When did you ever get time to take care of this family?

Dad, Dad...

Dad?

Hey! l know a setup when l see one! The black one's mine too?

This is Sean!

He is the son of me and my former ex

No, my present ex husband John!

Wasn't your former ex husband General Zhang Fei?

Your present ex isn't General Zhang.

His name is John!

No...oh...yes, it's right!

You made a mistake.

Here's the thing, Zi Long...

Sean is black

l'm brown

Perhaps you could believe he's a descendent of Judge Bao

But you cannot doubt me

Or Obama!!

Good thing none of your kids are red,

Otherwise those reporters would make up all kinds of crap.

My lord. What are you guys doing here?

Oh! We were here for the Turkestan ambassador

To discuss the battle of Red Cliff

Who knew the two of them...

Were crying like babies for you

When it comes to affairs of the heart I'm a bit of a numbskull.

So I called the military counselor

I just know a little bit!

l once helped a cow

to woo a horse

Who was having an affair with a donkey

Counselor, I have no idea what you are talking about!

Simply speaking

She knows you have a wife and kids

She doesn't want to break you up

She only wants you to have a real home

She said she had never flown a kite before

She always dreamed of having fun like mortals

She'll leave after she's done with this

lf you think suicide can solve your problems, I'll jump with you

A home needs someone you love in it

Otherwise it is just a prison

My mom always told me

You're a loser. Don't cause trouble for others.

That's why l have no family, no friends, no lover

lt's because l don't want to cause trouble

I'm even afraid to say I like you!

But today it finally occurred to me

My mom was concerned about me getting people in trouble

Βecause she didn't know

l would fall in love with someone who wasn't human

An immortal!

So you jump, I jump!

Ok, ok...

After we get the box back!

We'll escape far far away, OK?

It's a deal... still with the hitting?

Didn't you say...

You could shoo and get on the ship as an immortal?

Can we steal the box that easily?

Didn't l tell you

immortals shouldn't hit people without a good reason?

Never mind the fact that we're here to break the law

I can't use my magic for stealing

Then why did you bother coming?

Shh...

Princess Sun is back!

Princess is back!

Princess! Princess...

Please!

Shang Xiang?

How did you get so dirty?

I'm pretending to be one of Cao's soldiers

I changed my name to fat pig and snuck into Cao's compound to watch football

And then l saw his army of eight hundred thousand soldiers

Swaying side to side as they performed their drills

They can sway side to side?

And that's not all

I also copied down a bunch of military secrets

Damn! I just can't l swing the way you do!

How come it looks so good when you do it?

Our main force is attacking this way.

This way!!

Yeah right

Prime minister!

Today's report:

No vomiting recorded!

Ah... a woman.

No wonder

Get off...

Congratulations! Prime minister!

After strict training, Our eight hundred thousand soldiers

Has mastered the willow swinging technique

And are fully prepared to fight on water

It's just a matter of time before we wipe out the south bank!No!...

You think you can just by swaying side to side?

You are so naive!

Prime Minister your prescience is humbling!!

Willow swinging won't work if it's too windy

We have to connect all the ships by wooden boards

ln what l call a Warships Connected by Wooden Boards Formation

We must win! Yeah!

Air raid?

Look out! Air raid! Run! Air raid!

Woman!

We'll protect you!

Fire!

Again?

My new uniform!

We must split up

l'll go there and you stay here!

Split up?

Isn't that dangerous

You know it's dangerous too?

You can't fight and can't use magic.

You're just like a regular mortal

Stay here and watch my back

Watch that way.

Here come the white doves.

Aim! Fire!

Spy!

Calm down, calm down

You are feeling very dirty... go take a shower...shower

l thought you said no magic?

This isn't magic. It's hypnosis

You are getting sleepy...sleepy...

Fall asleep...fall asleep...sleep

You wife is looking for you, go home

You've talked an awful lot. Thirsty?

l'll get you some fresh juice

We are under attack!

Enemy boats are coming.

Archers ready...

We are under attack! We are under attack!

We are under attack!

Fire!

Fire, fire!

Fire!

This way! Fire!

Cao is suspicious. We don't know which ship he's on?

Look

He must be going to Cao

Get dressed

Sneak in as a Cao soldier!

Love you!

Got the arrows! We got the arrows...

General, we've stolen the arrows as you requested!

Got the arrows!

Great! It's time to fight back!

General! We are against the wind!

And it's too far for the archers!

lt's not a big deal! lf we want favorable wind conditions

Just borrow some east wind from the sky

He can borrow the wind?

A little bit, A little bit

This just in. Our troops are being overpowered by Cao's army.

Can you borrow the east wind to turn the situation?

Yes! I'm looking to extend my line of credit.

Deal!

Great! Ceremony is done!

Have some fruit, guys

Mr. Zhou

What's wrong?

Listen, don't take offence?

Not at all. Please

l just realized you borrow and steal everything

Now, you're borrowing the wind. Right after you stole those arrows just now

And they say you talked your lord into borrowing Jing Town!

Hee...Hey! Where have you been? Fooling around?

What fooling around? l was just playing cards!

Are you mocking me?

Have a banana!

You dare mock me? Damn you!

Don't be afraid. It's all a show.

I'll keep the Prime Minister informed

Come with me! Yes!

Who?

You!

Come with me!

Go!

Why are you being so sneaky?

I want to see you my lord

I've been missing you since our last farewell

And then l heard you were interested in this girl

So I risked my life to bring her to you

She is Xiao Qiao!!

It's her?

lt's not good for you to shake your head like that

Great!

Take him out and give him a big reward!

You understand?

Yes!!

Go

Thanks a lot prime minister

Are you Xiao Qiao?

Yes I am.

Are you the real Xiao Qiao?

Look carefully, I'm Xiao Qiao

Do what l say... do what I say...

You are Xiao Qiao. Of course l'll do everything you say

Give me the box...Give me the box...

What kind of fool do you take me for?

You think l don't know anything about hypnosis?

l knew what you were up to

What?

I stole it from The Fire Cloud Evil God

Oh...no!!

General! The east wind is up!

Everyone, fire!...

Keep eating bananas!

Eat banana...Eat banana

Aim!

Fire!

Help...

We are under attack!

Help...

Qing Yi Se...

l'd never thought...

A charming leader like myself, would ever fail here at red cliff!

Under these circumstances, l will never cry for help

If someone were to hear me, it would be a fate worse than death

Wooh...wah...!

Fire! Fire...

Get some water!

Qing Yi Se!

Rose!

Qing Yi Se...

Rose!

Qing Yi Se...

Rose!

Jack!

Rose!

Jack!

Rose!

Jack!

Rose!

Jack!

Rose! Rose!

l found the box

Fantastic!

Help me get these off

Where's the key?

They left the key here, after they locked me up

But I dropped it in the toilet by mistake

Why the hell would I have the key?

Don't yell at me!!

Ready

Be careful, please!

You...you...

yes...

I have the box, I can turn back time

Bhagavati... bhagavati

Jack!

Jack! Jack...

Jack!

How did this happen?

How?

The lock is behind me.

Βut you swing your axe in front every time!

You tell me! How did this happen?

Ok. Let's do it again

Bhagavati... bhagavati

Let's try this, every time you aim for the lock, you hit me

So why don't you aim at me this time? You might hit the lock!

Makes sense

Ready?

One, two...

Wow! lt worked!!

Come on!

Let's get out of here

To find a quiet place

To build a home of our own

Our lives will be perfect

You jump, l jump!

Close your eyes, you do the spell.

And we jump together

Bhagavati... bhagavati

Rid of you! Finally!!

Kong...Kong...Kong...

Zi Yi!

I love what you've done with your hair

l'd like you no matter how you looked!

Princess lron Fan is coming!

Βitch! Have you gone mad?

You jerk! You thought you could lose me just by using the box?

No way!!

See how l punish you dirty people!!

lt's a mistake, Ma'am

Actually l'm a man!

Zhang Zi Yi

Is a drag queen

Somebody set me up! Help me...

Bitch! Βeat me if you like.

He is innocent!

You are still helping this tramp even though you're dying?

How dare you!!

Watch my banana!

You've got serious balls!

Help!...help!!

You tranny witch. Have an affair with my husband, will you?

Help... Don't hurt him

Zi Yi!

l will never give you up!

l couldn't agree with you more at this time

Hurry! Hurry! Ok...

Wait here! You little brat!

l'm not afraid of you! How dare you beat your own husband?

Shazam!!

Don't fall off!

Zi Yi, you don't want to leave me, do you?

No! We're too high up. I can't get off.

Don't leave me alone!

I will turn this place into a volcano

for the two of you to burn in!!

Get away!

Get away...get away...

Purple Cloud?

Get away... get away...

Don't be afraid, hold me tight

Aren't you the sometimes green sometimes purple

Sometimes sometime sorta peach colored cloud?

Wrong! My real name is Kansas Sharapova

AKA Twilight Sunset

Though online l go by Purple Guacamole

Anything simpler?

Athena Chu

Oh...shit!

Qing Yi Se

Listen to me... I didn't kick you on purpose...

l'm off

Why did you...

Why did l save you?

l was in the neighborhood, l saw you were in danger

So I came to help!

Don't be afraid! I won't cling to you

Hmmm, I didn't mean... I know... I know

But I pulled out the sword

You mean this one?

Someone else l met recently pulled the sword out too.

l'm going to have dinner with him

If you get time, we could go together!

Forget it!

I got lots of things to do. I can't...

Forget it! Forget it!

Whenever you are free

See you next time

Bye... see you

Bye...

See you next time

Βye...bye...bye

Bye...

Βye!

Got a problem?

You asked for it!

Stop! Grapse!

What do you want?

You dirty old men are really enjoying the show

How come it's fine to talk to you?

Βut l get a stutter talking to her?

It's never happened before

It's simple

One word...fear!

How do you spell it?

Let me tell you, we both used to be thieves

Yeah What's the one thing we never stole?

Only a woman's heart

Because we can't give it back

Why not?

How can we give it back if it's broken?

Feel the fear?

See? You see? Tears!

So falls a man's last line of defense

Tighten up your underwear

Seems he's not wearing any

Really?

Ha ha... aren't you happy?

So happy! Let me down please...

Feeling something?

Qing Yi Se!

The warrior is fighting with the lady on the ramparts again

Why are they just standing there?

Don't know. lt's been a while.

They know each other right?

Not sure.

Shame on him

Always clinging,

none of the girls like him.

Yeah right! l'd kick him off if I was her.

What? You want to marry me?

I've explained to you time and time again

l was the one who pulled the sword out the other day

I'm The One of you

So let's pick a good date for wedding

And l've told you a thousand times

The sword is broken

Well, then let me take it back to the factory for repairs

And I'll pull it out again after it's fixed

Actually...it's not about the sword

It's me. l don't believe in destiny anymore

Just because you see the pork shop everyday in the market

Does that mean your destiny is to be with pork?

Or just that the pork shop

Is the first one on the corner

Understand?

Piggy! Don't go!

Every time l go to the market, you're the first one l see

Isn't that destiny? Isn't that arranged by God?

Get lost!!

Don't do this to me...

Don't do this to me

Give me a chance! Please!

l don't know you

Yeah! I know you are pretending

You're ignoring my existence...

Rose, do you have

Any extra Purple Green Heavenly Swords back at your home?

I'll...

show you later!

Enough!!

Stop annoying me!!

I don't want the sword anymore!!

There are things you can't simply throw away and be done with them.

Can you throw away your memories?

Could you throw away your feelings?

You are sick!

Yes! l am sick! Incurably sick!

Love is the most serious incurable disease!

I am hopeless

I fell in love with

A woman l thought l wouldn't love

lt's too late

To say anything!!

Huh? l but didn't say anything yet!

Well, since you didn't say anything before!!

Yes!! It was my fault!!

l should've said what I said today long time ago

Oh, wait, l'm bit confused...

Are you talking to him or me?

I don't wanna talk anymore. Please leave me alone

Eh, it was my fault... I'm just confused

Your dialogue doesn't make any sense?

Don't cry

Say what's in your heart.

l'll accept you

l was too selfish

About everything

Only thinking about myself,

l thought that was the way things were done

But the moment you left

l realized that being together was the most important

It's only true happiness when we treasure the moment together

I look at you here today, and know l can't give you up

I don't want to live in regret for the rest of my life

l have an incurable disease and you have it too

Come on! Let's infect each other

Great! l don't want to live in regret

Let's do it

Who could resist kissing a face like that?

Now you understand how much I love you

Today

l come to return this heart to you

l just put a mark on your tongue

You are my mistress of the fort

lf anyone tries to harm you, just tell them you are with me

Where'd everybody go?

Rose's idea worked

She tricked her man into professing his love

l wish them eternal happiness

Otherwise we will be end up playing the villains again

It's true. Anything bad happens. We end up being the bad guys.

Shame on you, you old fool...

Where'd they go?

Feels good doesn't it?!

The One! Every woman on Earth is under your spell...

We fight to the death

Attack!!

Stop!!

Sorry, I meant the rain, not you!

Devil! How dare you make a fool of me!

Die!

Stop!

Bastard!

You think this hand is an easy target...

Didn't you say The One is dangerous?

That's what l heard!

We could have gone easier on him.

l said l was going to throw. l didn't tell you guys to do it...

Ask before you attack next time, ok?

Ya...