All language subtitles for Good Talk With Anthony Jeselnik. s01e04_English

[bright classical music]

[dramatic classical music]

♪ ♪

- Welcome to "Good Talk
with Anthony Jeselnik,"

the show so easy to make,
it got me back on television.

And baby, I hate television--

but not tonight.

My guest tonight is comedian,

award-winning co-screenwriter,

and all-around star
Kumail Nanjiani.

Kumail, thank you for
being here.

- Thank you for having me.

- Do you consider yourself

a stand-up comedian who's also
a movie star,

or are you a movie star
who now dabbles in stand-up?

No judgments.

- Well... [laughs]
"Movie star" is very nice.

I feel great about it
no matter what [indistinct] is.

- You're star of a movie.

Like...
- Correct.

- Movies, plural.

- Um, I think I'm still
primarily a stand-up,

even though I haven't been able
to do it

as frequently as I would have
liked to continue doing it.

- Yeah, I mean,
you've been busy,

but in your mind,

do you still think of yourself
as a comedian...

- Yeah.
- That's just doing this?

- Definitely, definitely
still a comedian.

- Is one more fun
than the other?

- Comedy or acting?
- Yeah.

- Acting is more challenging.

I think with stand-up, and I'm
sure you know this feeling

where you're like--

and any room,
you could be like,

"Oh, I know I can go above
a certain level."

No matter how difficult
the room is,

whatever it is,
you feel like

you got your bag of tricks,

you sort of know how to get
there, right?

With acting, I feel

it's much more challenging
for me,

so it's more exciting.

Just--but being onstage
killing, it's so much fun.

Acting rarely is that much fun
for, like, that long.

- Sure.
- Acting's a lot of waiting.

- But there's acting,
and you're like--

you don't really have control.

You're sitting in your trailer
most of the day.

I understand why stand-up
would be more fun.

But when you're a movie star,

when you're top billing,

that must be...

seductive.

That must be like,
"Maybe I just do this."

- It's really fun.

I mean, there is a person
whose--

if it's raining, there's
a person whose job it is

to hold an umbrella
over your head...

- You're like the president.
- As you walk from the trailer.

- Yeah.
- Kind of.

And so you see how people
become assholes very quickly.

Um, I remember when we shooting
"The Big Sick" two years ago,

and that was the first time
I was the lead of a movie.

I was walking

to set or something,

and it was a very small
corridor,

and somebody was, like,
in my way,

and then he, like, got out

and I heard someone yelling
at him, being like,

"When number one is coming,
you get out of their way.

That's number one
on the call sheet."

And that's when I was like,
"This is pretty great."

- That is awesome.

Do you ever think you'll get
to the point where you're like,

"Don't look me in the eye"?

- No, I mean...

I don't--I mean--

- 'Cause that seems fun.

- It does, but for me,

part of being good at it
involves

sort of talking to people
and feeling really loose.

If I'm, like,
sort of sequestered

and in my head
and doing that,

that's--that's when I start
to get really in my head,

and I don't want to do that.

- I'm always interested
in acting,

because I don't understand it
or respect it.

Um...
- No follow-up questions.

Great. [laughing]

- How much of your acting
success

do you contribute to your
belief in Scientology?

- I cannot confirm or deny that
but...

I was talking about this
the other day.

We were walking
by the Scientology Center

and someone was like,
"Let's go in."

And I was like,
"What if they don't want us?

What a slap in the face
that would be."

- Please.
They're taking any warm body.

They don't care.

Here's a fun question:

you ever play pranks on set?

- No, I don't really...

[slam]
announcer: Who cares?

- [chuckles]

- Still sounds like a gunshot,
still makes me laugh.

[laughter]

You once said in an interview--

we did our research...
- Uh-oh.

- That the greatest set
you've ever had in your life

was your first-ever open mic
your senior year of college.

That can't possibly be true.

Do you stand by that?

- Well, at that time--

in terms of--

that was my first set.

I'd never seen--

I'd never seen a live
stand-up comedy show, nothing.

I went onstage, I killed,
I came off, and I was like,

"Oh, I'm gonna be very famous
very soon."

And so in terms of that
feeling,

yes, still the best set
I've ever had.

- And how long was it
from that day

until you got very famous?

- Uh, not--we're not there yet.

[laughter]

- Do you think if you
watched that set,

would you be embarrassed,
or would you still be like,

"Yeah, I remember killing it?"

- I bet it'd be embarrassing.
- Yeah.

- It would be horrible.
- I mean, my first set--

- Don't agree so hard.
You don't know.

- My first set
I thought I killed,

and then I went back
and watched it alter

'cause one of the jokes I did
in my first-ever set,

I ended up doing in my roast
of Donald Trump.

Like, that's how good
the joke was,

that even ten years later
it was still good--

that I was like,
"I gotta watch this again.

Maybe there's more
hidden gems."

And I almost threw up
watching it.

- Yeah.
- It was so bad.

I had a heavy Dennis Leary
influence.

Like, I was dressed wrong.
Like, it was--

- I did not know that
about you.

- In the very beginning.
- Heavy Dennis Leary.

- A lot of "You knows"
after everything.

Like, a lot of pointing
fingers.

Well, here's what we're
gonna do right now.

I'm gonna--I'm gonna give you
a couple of quotes

you've done in movies,

and I'm gonna see if you can,
like, fill in the blank.

Like, do you remember your
lines from your old movies?

- There are--no.
But go ahead.

- Let's see--
I got a couple of 'em here.

Let's see...

- I haven't seen all the movies
I've done.

- Really?

- There's a lot of them
I have not seen.

- What's a movie you've done
that you haven't seen?

- Uh, I never saw "Mike
and Dave Need Wedding Dates."

- Have you seen
"Flock of Dudes"?

- I did not see
"Flock of Dudes."

- When I even just heard
about "Flock of Dudes,"

I got excited.

I have not seen it.

Okay, this is from
"The Big Sick,"

where you play the character
of Kumail.

"Yeah, something like
blank million hectares

are being irrigated."

- 14.
- 14 million, that's right.

- Yeah.
- I knew you'd get that one.

This is from "Stuber."

This is your character of Stu.

"Hang on, I'm gonna blank.

Nope, don't got it."

- I'm gonna... flip a U-ey?

- Bang a U-ey here.

- Bang a U-ey, okay.
- Yeah.

- Bang a U--I think that's
where the comedy comes from.

- Yeah, bang.
- But you were close.

That was good.
- It's a funny word.

- Last one.

This is from "Mike and Dave
Need Wedding Dates,"

your second-favorite movie.

What was that about,
by the way?

- I--there's no way to know.

[laughter]

You play the role of Keanu.

- [laughing] I do.

I didn't know that that
was his name.

- You're a masseuse.
- Yeah.

I mean, I--that movie was
a huge problem

for me and my family.

- I've seen, like, a clip.
You have really long hair...

- And I'm naked.
- And you're wearing a diaper.

- No, I'm supposed to be
fully naked.

I'm fully naked in the movie.

- Gotta--gotta check it out.

[laughing] Um...

"Physically,
there is no penetration.

Spiritually,
I'll be doing an..."

- Oof.

Physically,
there's no penetration.

Spiritually, I'll be doing an--
is it one word?

- No, it's like a--

it's five words.

- I'll be doing--
I don't have a shot at this.

- An intimate tour of her...

- Chakras?
- Chi.

both: Chi.

- Tour of her chi.

- Okay.
- God, it's like you--

it's like you weren't even in

"Mike and Dave Need
Wedding Dates" at all.

- It's a lot like that.
[stammering]

How did you find that quote?

IMDb?

- Writers.
- Okay.

I wasn't gonna watch
that piece of shit.

Great job, Kumail.

Thanks for being a sport.

- Thank you.

- Now, Kumail,
whenever you do stand-up,

I imagine you're a
"take the mic out of the stand"

kind of guy.

Am I right?
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, yeah.

You bet your sweet ass
I'm right.

And if taking the mic
out of the stand is right,

then I don't wanna be wrong.

Let's watch this thing based on
what I just said.

rappers: ♪ Take out the mic ♪

♪ Take out the mic ♪

- ♪ Take out the mic,
don't leave it in the stand ♪

♪ Take out the mic ♪

♪ Put the stand behind you ♪

♪ Fuck that stand ♪

♪ Take out the mic ♪

♪ Take out the mic ♪

♪ This isn't a Ted Talk ♪

♪ Grab the stand
with one hand ♪

♪ Take out the mic
with the other ♪

♪ That's why God gave you
two hands ♪

♪ What are you, Steven Tyler
from Aerosmith? ♪

♪ Take out the mic ♪

♪ You're gonna wanna have
that mic in your hands ♪

♪ Take it out of the stand ♪

♪ Put the mic back
in the stand ♪

♪ You're gonna need both hands
for this next bit ♪

both: ♪ Take out the mic ♪
- ♪ Stand are for losers ♪

We'll be right back
with more of this.

It's "Good Talk."

[dramatic classical music]

- Welcome back to "Good Talk."

I'm here with distinguished
gentleman

Kumail Nanjiani.

Kumail, are you still just
flying off the success

of "The Big Sick"?

- Flying?
- Flying.

- Not at all.
- No, you've moved on?

- Yeah.
- 'Cause I still watch it

all the time.

In fact, I wanna show you

what I think is the funniest
scene in the entire movie.

In a movie filled
with hilarious scenes,

this one's my favorite.

This is hardest I laughed

in a movie theater in years.

- Every time she sees a bird,
she's like...

"Look at this, it's a bird."

I'm always like,

"Yeah, they're all over
the place.

They're birds."

But she, like--
she likes that bird, you know?

Every bird she sees,
she sees it.

- [laughing]
You're a monster.

- I was watching this movie...
- Oh, my God.

- Friday afternoon,
packed theater,

everyone's dead quiet.

And I am laughing so hard.

Like, I'm emotionally invested.

But I have known you
for years, so it's like I can--

I understand you're acting
in this moment,

but the idea of having
a set that bad

where you just start crying
and talking about birds...

- Right.

- To me is absolutely
hilarious.

- Well, you know, the thing
that I'd seen a lot

in, like, comedies was

when someone's really honest
onstage, they kill.

So we were like,
we should do the opposite.

Someone's really honest
onstage, and they bomb,

because that's what
would happen.

- Yeah.

I even like that they, like,
start to laugh

like they think you're doing
a character...

- Right.
- And then they realize, oh no,

he just sucks at this.

- Well, that's--
what we did was,

we did--so we had
that audience there

for like three or four days,

and it was, um,

just a bunch of extras,

and we filmed all the stand-up
comedy stuff together,

so this audience was, like,
having a great time.

So before that,
we did not tell them

what was gonna happen.

So when I went out,

they thought it was just gonna
be another comedy set.

We weren't like, "Hey,
this is gonna be weird."

And so their reactions
are real,

'cause they're kinda like
ha-ha-ha,

and then they're sort of
realizing,

"h, something horrible
is happening,

and I don't want to be here
for it."

- Yeah.

I read in an interview
that you said that you wanted

to get into stand-up comedy

after watching Hugh Grant in
"Four Weddings and a Funeral."

Explain yourself.

Keep in mind I have never
seen that movie.

- Okay.
- Is that true?

- It is true.

So, the--

one of the first scenes of
"Four Weddings and a Funeral"

is Hugh Grant is the best man
at this wedding,

and he gets up and he gives
this best man speech.

- Mm-hmm.

- And it's basically he was
doing stand-up.

And that was basically
the first, like,

stand-up routine
I'd ever watched.

It's like a three- or
four-minute stand-up routine,

so--and I just
really, really loved that

and I was like, "I wish there
was a job where I could

just stand up and give
best man speeches,"

and then I realized
there is one.

- When you're onstage,

do you, like, picture yourself
as Hugh Grant?

- [laughing] No.

But there's a picture that
someone tweeted at me

the other day where I have
exactly Hugh Grant's hair.

[laughter]

When I first started stand-up,

I was basically doing
a Hugh Grant impression,

like with the...

like, the sort of being nervous
and stumbling and stuff.

- Doesn't sound at all
delusional.

- [laughing]

- All right, Kumail, we're
gonna do a segment right now

called Agree or Disagree.

I'm gonna read you a statement
about comedy.

You tell me if you
agree with it

or disagree with it, all right?
- Okay.

- Pretty simple.

Agree or disagree:

under no circumstances
should you ever run the light.

- Every time I've run
the light, it's ultimately

helped me,

so it's not...

don't do it if I'm after you,

but if I've already performed,
run the light,

do whatever you gotta do.

- I used to always say no,
you should never do that,

like it's--other comics
need their time,

but now that I'm, like,
headlining shows around LA

and they light me...

- Yeah.
- I just laugh at them.

I'm like, I'm gonna run this
like an ambulance.

- Dude--
- And go as long as I want.

- Dude, there's a show here
where if you run the light,

they like,
turn the smoke machine on.

- Oh.
No, I don't know about that.

- So I did not know
that's what would happen.

So I'm onstage,
I'm doing my set,

and it's going fine.

It's not going great,
but it's going fine.

And then I see the light,

and I'm finishing up
my last joke,

and the smoke starts
showing up,

and I'm like, "What the fuck
is going on?"

And I kinda like--
I'm, like, a little worried,

but nobody else seems worried.

So then I get offstage,

and the gun who runs the show
is like,

"Ha-ha, that's our thing.

If you run the light, we turn
the smoke machine on."

And I yelled at this guy
so hard--

harder than I've ever yelled
at anyone, maybe--

and I was like--I said,

"Tomorrow I'm gonna feel
really bad about this

"and I'm gonna email you
an apology,

"but don't believe it.

"This is what I mean right now.

"So don't believe
when I apologize to you,

"and I will apologize to you

'cause I'm gonna feel bad
about this,

but I won't mean that."

And then of course,
I emailed him and I was like,

"I'm so sorry."

- That is such a great idea,

to tell someone
in the moment

you're gonna apologize
tomorrow,

but right now, you've gotta
get this off your chest.

- Right, but also that--

I was like,
"I won't mean that apology."

- Yeah.
- "And I will say I mean it,

but I won't mean it."

- But I bet the next day
they were still like,

"That's sweet of Kumail."

- [laughing]
- "That's nice."

Agree or disagree:

it's fun to cast a younger
version of your wife

in your life story.

- Agree.

[laughter]

I was wondering how you'd
handle that,

and you knocked it
out of the park.

That was perfect.

Uh, agree or disagree:

America has never been
in a better place politically.

- Oh, disagree.
- Disagree?

- Yeah.
- Why?

- Oh, well, I don't know.

I mean, you know...

ugh, next question.

- Okay. Okay.

- But when this--

by the time this airs,

we might have figured it
all out.

- I'm sure, I'm sure.
- Yeah.

- So I'll give you
another answer:

agree.

- Okay.
- There we go.

- Great.
- Now we got it covered.

Let's soften it up
a little bit.

Uh, agree or disagree:

Woody Allen did not actually
molest his own daughter.

[soft laughter]

- Why...

why would you do this?

[laughter]

How is this helping anybody?

I...
- What do you think?

- I don't have an op--
I don't--oh, God.

Ah...

[laughter]

- That was Kumail
talking about Woody Allen.

- [laughing]

- Don't go anywhere.
Things are about to get filthy.

Next.

[dramatic classical music]

- Welcome back.

So, Kumail,
is there a comedian you know

or watched growing up

that like really influenced you

that you, like, wish you had
one of their jokes?

- Yeah, well,
one of the reasons

I started doing stand-up
was this guy Jake Johannsen.

- Mm-hmm, of course.

- I was obsessed with him.

I remember he had a website--

I think it's still
JakeThis.com--

and I emailed to get, like--

there was an HBO special called
"This'll Take About an Hour."

- "This'll Take
About an Hour," yeah.

- Which is a great title for
an hour-long stand-up special.

And he, like, emailed me

and he, like, made the tape
and sent it to me.

Like, it was just--
- Really?

- It was just him doing it,
yeah.

- Oh, that's crazy.

I once, like, bought
one of Todd Barry's CDs

through his website
and never got it.

Emailed and Todd wrote me back

and was like,
"I'll send you a new one."

And I was just like--
as a kid,

I was just blown away
that, like...

- Yeah.
- He had that much time

on his hands.

- Which one was it?
- Uh...

- "Medium Energy"?
- "Medium Energy," yeah, yeah.

- "Medium Energy."
I had "Medium Energy."

- Let's take a look from
Jake Johannsen's

"This'll Take About an Hour."

HBO, 1991.

I'm good with years.

- I--I feel pretty good
tonight.

I'm a little--I'm trying
to quit smoking,

so I'm a little tense about--

I can't believe how hard
it is to quit,

especially since I didn't even
like cigarettes

when I first started.

I had to use that nicotine gum
to get going.

And, uh...
[laughter]

- When you said Jake Johannsen
was an influence of yours,

I didn't really quite get it,
and then watching him,

I can see some of
the mannerisms early on.

Like, your comedy's evolved,

but that kind of--that cadence
was definitely there

when I first saw you,

that playful, uh...

kind of staccato rhythm.

- I definitely had to work to
shed Jake Johannsen's cadence

very, very early on.

I really, really sounded
a lot like him.

And I remember, uh,

he was performing at Zanies
in Chicago.

Like, I was two years,
maybe a year and a half

into stand-up when I really
sounded like him,

and I didn't know I did.

So I asked him--

I was like,
"Oh, he's my favorite.

Can I open for him?"

And I opened for him,

and that's when I was like,
"Oh, this was a terrible idea."

Even Jake was like,
"What's going on, buddy?"

- Yeah, yeah.
- Shouldn't be doing this.

And so that's when I started
trying to actively shed it.

- Yeah, I think that happens
a lot.

And you know me, I'm very
pleased with my own act.

But every once in a while,
I do see a comic

where I think,
"Oh, I wish I had that bit."

So here's one of mine.

This is from, uh,
"The Awkward Comedy Show."

This is a bit
from Victor Vernado.

You guys are probably saying,
"Victor..."

"You're a black albino."

[laughter]

"What are your superpowers?"

Now...

you telling me I wouldn't
crush with that?

- I really want to--

I want to see you do this joke.

- You think if I did his set,

like just like front to back,

just didn't...

- What would the reaction be,
do you think?

- I think for a while,
people would be like--

- I guess he is.

- 'Cause if I said
I'm a black albino

and you didn't know me...

can you really call me on it?

- Yeah.

[laughter]

- A black albino.
- [laughing]

- I could be a black person
without the black color.

- Mm--
- Right?

- This is a very difficult road
we're going down.

- Not for me.
- Okay.

- I'm in an SUV, just flying.

- [laughs]
I think you should do it.

- Kumail, you emigrated
from Pakistan

when you were 18 years old.

Was that fun?

- Was that fun?
- Mm-hmm.

- The question is, was it fun
to emigrate here?

- Mm-hmm.
- No, it wasn't fun.

- No?
- No.

- No.
- It was very difficult.

- Have you ever done stand-up
in Pakistan?

- No.
- Would you ever want to?

- Oof.
You know, um...

Pakistan doesn't
have it so much,

but India has actually a huge
stand-up scene now.

They have--they have
a Comedy Store in India now.

They do.
- Really?

- Yeah. Weird.

Uh, but it's huge over there.

Like, I'll see sometimes
some guy, like, tweeting at me

with an Indian name,
and I'm like, "Who's this guy?"

And I'll look and they'll have,
like, 10 million followers,

'cause India's like
a billion people, you know?

- Oh, yeah.

- Uh, so I would love
to definitely do it in India

because I know they have
an audience for it,

and I'd love
to try Pakistan too.

- Does Pakistan still think
of you as one of theirs?

- [exhales] I...

it's complicated, I think.

I think they don't really--

I don't think they really
think of me as one of theirs.

That said, whenever there's
something that happens with me

in the news--
something gets announced,

something comes out--

it's always covered there
in all the newspapers,

but I think they have a
difficult relationship with me

because I married a white woman

and I'm not there,

so I think it's complicated.

- Yeah, I see that.

I understand where they're
coming from.

Stay tuned for the D-block,

or I'll bring back
"At Midnight,"

and you do not wanna test me.

[dramatic classical music]

- Welcome back.

Kumail, thank you so much
for being here.

I like to end every show

with a segment we call
Make God Laugh.

Is there a comedian
who's no longer with us

that you felt a particular
fondness for?

- Yeah, this comedian
Kevin Barnett

who I was also friends with,

and he was just really, really
funny and really young,

and he had a lot, a lot
of great stuff ahead of him,

and he's just, um...

gone very, very...

very early, uh, and he just had
an amazing point of view,

and he was like, you know,

it's hard for comedy
to be cool,

and he was just really,
really cool.

- Yeah.
- And I'm just sad

that the world won't get
to see more of him.

- Yeah, I didn't know him,

but I know a lot of people
who did

and who were affected by him
who just--

everyone spoke so glowingly.

- Yeah.
- And it was just a big loss,

uh, for comedy this year.

Let's take a look at
Kevin Barnett

from "Adam DeVine's
House Party."

- Like, if I died tonight,

all the news stories that would
come out would be beautiful.

Like, "Comedian Kevin Barnett
was killed last night.

"He was a great young comic,

could've been the next
big thing."

All types of foolishness
like that.

[laughter]

But if I die 10, 20 years
from now, who knows?

There's potential
it'd be like...

"Walmart employee Kevin Barnett
was murdered last night.

"Fellow employees described him
as an incredibly lonely man

"that complained when
he wasn't allowed

to bring cats on the bus."

I feel like...

that ain't the legacy
I'm trying to leave behind, yo.

- I hope you enjoyed that, God.

I hope you enjoy your cruel,
cold laughter.

Kumail, thanks again
for being here.

You were hilarious as always,

and congratulations on your
continued, incredibly success.

- Thank you, and congrats
on figuring out

how to get back on TV.

[laughter]

- You can see Kumail
and Emily's new show

"Little America"

streaming on Apple TV+
this fall.

And thank you for watching.

I know you must be pretty busy.

Good talk.

[dramatic classical music]

♪ ♪