All language subtitles for Good Talk With Anthony Jeselnik. s01e03_English

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Welcome to "Good Talk
with Anthony Jeselnik,"

the only show
where I'm the host,

but had almost no say
in the title.

That's right.
It's "Good Talk."

My guest tonight
is David Spade,

a friend, compatriot,

and the man I believe to be

the funniest person
in the world.

- Whoa.
- David,

thank you so much
for being here.

I called you
a friend just now...

- Yep.
- But this is probably

the first time we've
ever spoken outside

of the Comedy Store.
- Yeah.

- Uh, thank you for being here.

- Welcome to the séance.

[laughter]

- But I do honestly
believe that you are, like,

the funniest person
in the world.

In fact, you have
my favorite joke of all time.

One of my favorite j--I think
I've told you this before.

- God, I hope this was mine.

- This is from your HBO
special, "Take the Hit."

- I remember when I heard
about that JonBenét case.

I remember--you remember
reading about that?

I was looking in the "Enquirer"
when that came out

and I was thinking...

"JonBenét's not
that hot without makeup."

Seriously.
I mean, she's okay.

She's all right.
Kinda average, though.

She's talented.

Not a stunner.

[laughter]
I do remember that one.

I do like that
you like that one.

- I love it so much
that I've ruined many a party

by retelling that joke
and people were just, like,

horrified that
my favorite joke of all time

is talking about
a 20-year-old child murder.

- [laughing]
- But I--that blew me away.

- I sometimes work--
just a couple weeks ago,

I was doing a big child
molester chunk in my act.

- Mm-hmm.
- And, uh--tastefully.

I have a real good in on it.
Uh...and, um,

somehow I brought up JonBenét
and they boo and I go,

"You're booing JonBenét,
that super talent?"

But I turned the tricks on 'em,
'cause I made them think

that they were booing JonBenét.

- You performed during, like,
the first standup comedy boom

and now you're performing
out on the road again

during the second
standup comedy boom.

What do you think
is the difference between

the two booms, boom-wise?

Just speaking
strictly in terms of booms.

- The difference is not my act.

It's the same--
[laughter]

I said, it's a different crowd.
Uh, no,

I sort of caught
a good wave when I started

and now I just have no choice,

'cause I can't do
anything else.

So I just--
I like doing standup.

You know it's hard.

They know it's hard.

Just at the Comedy Store,
everyone's fucking good.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know?

So to go out there
and not look like an asshole,

uh, and not stand out
as bad is fun.

- So you think the comics
during this current boom

are better?
'Cause they have to be.

- [groans]
They have to be different

than the ones before them,
so it's a little harder

in that respect.
- Yeah.

- 'Cause it was sort of
uncharted territory back then.

I only knew watching
Johnny Carson with Seinfeld

and Paul Reiser and
Kevin Nealon and these guys.

So there--there was probably
one comic

for every ten there are now.
- Mm-hmm.

- So there's so much
competition

and so much...you can't do
a joke like this joke.

That's hard,
to stay away from areas.

Like, you have
a very distinct style

which helps in writing,
I'm sure,

because I don't see
a lot of people saying,

oh, they're like...you.
Or you're like them.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know, that's good.

I'm a little looser.

Stuff I do is a little more
down the middle,

but I obviously
want my own voice.

- Yeah.
If someone tells me that, like,

"Oh, I'm like you,"
my only response is,

"Good luck with that."
Like I barely squeak through--

- [laughing]

- David, uh, you've
mentioned a bunch of comics

already you looked up to.
Who would you say

was your biggest influence
starting out?

- That's a good question.
I would...

maybe lean toward Dennis
because he was my favorite

for a run there
and then I got to open for him

and then he liked my act,
which was a big deal to me.

- This is pre-SNL
you opened for him.

- Yeah, and then he said,
"Why don't you come open

for my 'Black
and White Special',"

or one of those specials
and, uh, I did that.

I didn't know
I wouldn't be on it.

I thought--I thought
I'd be on part of it--

[laughing]
- They didn't show the opener?

- Like I'd be, like,
just the first couple minutes.

And then I found out I wasn't,
but I got to do that.

I even asked if we could
have a picture the first week

we worked at Caroline's.

In the middle of it, I go,

"Can we get a picture
together?"

He goes, "That's weird.
We're friends, right?"

I go, "Oh, yeah."

[laughter]
I felt so stupid.

And then I--he helped me get on

HBO Young Comedians special
that he was hosting.

And then after that,
SNL saw it.

And then he told Lorne
I'd be good.

So he helped a lot of it.
- Yeah.

"The Black and White Special"

is one of
my absolute favorites.

I love that he paid himself

to have it shot on film
so that it looked--

it actually looks, like, still
holds up in black and white.

- Looks cool, yeah.

- Cost ten times as much
as anyone else's special,

but it's still great.
Let's take a look at that.

This is a clip from Dennis
Miller's 1990 HBO special,

"The Black and White Special."

- And you wanna know what
a prick Adolf Hitler was?

I read "Mein Kampf"
this weekend.

No dedication.

[laughter]

- Do you still talk
to Dennis Miller?

- Uh-huh.
- I mean I don't know anyone

except for you who
still talks to him.

- [laughs]
Yeah.

- And I'm friends
with two of his brothers.

Why do you think
that people get so angry

at a comedian when they change

over the course
of their career?

- Well, listen.
I'm not political

and the new show is not,
for that reason, like--

mostly because I'm stupid.
I'm sort of a believer I'm here

to do standup
and that's hard enough.

They're not paying
to see me do that part.

- Exactly.
- So I just say, hey,

they can do their thing,
but for me, I stay out of it.

And, I think, with Dennis...

you gain fans,
but you lose fans.

And I think he actually
went against the grain.

When you're gonna
go Republican,

especially out here,

it's hard to even
go to parties.

It's like a career move
to be a Democrat.

- Oh yeah, I mean, that's
why I wanted to do this show.

Like, we tape months
in advance.

Like, I don't care what's in
the Mueller Report.

You know, I don't wanna--
- Yeah.

- Like I thought, Picasso,
if he was alive today,

wouldn't have a period
of four years where

he just painted pictures
of the president.

- Right, exactly.
- You know what I mean?

I didn't want to waste
my time with something

I didn't know anything about

just because everyone
else was doing it.

- It's hard enough to write
the regular jokes I do, so...

- Oh, exactly.
And I can't--

I don't relate to people.

You know what I mean?
I have more money

than most Americans and
I don't care about anything.

I don't have a family.

So you know, like, "I'm voting
like this for my kids."

I'm like, that makes sense.
Uh, I guess.

I see it.
- I like that assessment.

- All right,
before we go to break,

let's take a look back
at all the greatest moments

in Comedy Central history.

[dramatic music]

- [mumbling]

- Oh, my God!
They killed Kenny.

- You bastards!

- Welcome to the stage, the
magnificent Anthony Jeselnik!

[applause]

♪ ♪

- Hello.

[laughter]

This is my comedy show.

- And we're back
with "Good Talk."

In fact, we've barely moved.

David Spade is still,
as we like to say,

in the house.

David, let's play
a little thing called,

"Agree or Disagree."
- Yeah.

- I'm gonna make
a statement about comedy.

You tell me if you
agree with it

or disagree with it.
- Okay.

- All great comedians
have a rough childhood.

- Uh...I feel like
it's more of a percentage,

but I would say sort of agree.

- I kind of agree,

and I think there's different
versions of a rough childhood.

You could've been
bullied in school,

but your family was cool.

Or, like, you come
from a broken home

and you were trying
to make your mom

laugh when you were a kid.

Like, there's different ways
it can be bad.

- It's me.
- That was you?

That was you?
- No.

I will say I was
bullied as a kid,

but it's funny, bullying--

now we have all the data
of how bad it is

and it's 1,000 times worse.
It's so funny that you go,

"Guys, we figured it out.
We cracked the code.

We fucked every kid up."

And they're like, oh, let's do
it 1,000 times more online...

and every kid knows.

And then there's suicides,
you're like,

"Fuck, guys,
we figured this out.

We have the answer."

But it's not--
definitely not going away.

- Do you wish your
childhood had been better?

I mean, if it brought you
to where you are now,

wasn't it a good thing?
That's how I feel about mine.

- It's a good question and, uh,

I give my mom a lot of credit.
You know, my dad walked out

and he was a drinker
and all that stuff.

I would say everyone
has a rough version,

but mine didn't really
seem rough at the time.

You look back and you go,
"Fuck, man, that was tough."

But the sum of all the parts,
I guess

I'm okay with it because
I'm okay with who I am now.

- David Spade,
bullying success story.

- Still a pipsqueak, though.

- Agree or disagree.
You would be just as successful

right now if you had
never been on SNL.

"Saturday Night Live."
- Oh.

I don't think I would
be as successful,

that's for sure.
- Okay, well--

- I mean, "Just Shoot Me!" too.
Keep you treading water.

- Oh, without "Just Shoot Me!"
you would not be

here right now,
talking to me.

- I mean, after SNL,
I would've--

they offered me my own show
or to be the fifth lead

on "Just Shoot Me!" and add me
to the pilot and re-shoot it.

And they already had
a good writer and good people

and I go, "I think that's
a safer move for less money."

- Yeah, it was a smart move.
- And thank God

it fucking worked.
- Yeah.

After his appearance on SNL,

Michael Jordan went on
to win five titles.

How instrumental
were you in that?

- I was in one sketch with him.

I think we were
an all-white basketball team

that did not want him on it.

[laughs]
It was, like, in the '50s.

And then, even though
he was really good,

we kept not letting him play.

- So you think that
putting the greatest

basketball player in history

through that
sort of humiliation,

where he has to go back
in time during Jim Crow,

really made him just want to

show you guys
by winning five titles?

- I think it was more,
"This isn't for me.

I'm gonna really focus
on basketball now."

- Really?
'Cause his comedy is top-notch.

- [laughs]
He was in Cartoon Jam.

- Mm-hmm.
- Wasn't he?

- He was in Cartoon Jam.
Don't correct the guest.

- Yeah! Cartoon Jam.
- He was great in Cartoon Jam.

I hear they're making
another Cartoon Jam

with, uh, Lebron Jams.

Um, agree or disagree.

Making movies with your friends
is fun and never stressful.

- I agree with the first part,

but it can be stressful
in a way, because...

I think we're
talking about Adam.

[laughter]

Adam is a hard worker
and runs a tight ship

and he wants everybody
to be at his level.

- Mm-hmm.
- He doesn't smoke.

He doesn't really drink.
He doesn't do drugs.

I'm a little bit
of a boozy Susie sometimes.

[laughter]

And even Rock's, you know,

he's pretty straight up, so...

I'm like,
I'm the disaster on the set?

I mean, I found that out
about two weeks in.

I go--every now and then,
I go, "A couple."

And everyone's like,
"You drinking?"

I go, "No, no, no.
Are you guys not drinking?

Is no one drinking?"

And then, uh, I go,

"Oh yeah, no, no, no.
[groans]

Fuck."

- Agree or disagree.
Musicians wanna be comedians

and comedians
want to be musicians.

- I do agree.
- I do agree, too.

- Yeah.
- Why do you think that is?

- 'Cause every
rock star I meet

amps up the funny around me.

[laughter]
- Yeah.

- It's unbelievable.
- Mm-hmm.

- And I agree that
I would definitely

like to be a rock star.

- I think comics
wanna be musicians

because then you could just
do, like, greatest hits

all the time.
People are happy.

Unlike with comedians
where you write a great joke,

they're like,
"Great, what else you got?"

- Yeah.
I used to do the corporate gig

and, uh, when you do these,
you know...

that's when I wanna
be a musician,

because musicians can bomb,
but you don't really know it.

- Mm-hmm.
- You just do your song.

It's a lot easier than after
every fucking word you say,

there's crickets

and you have to struggle
through it.

And everyone knows
you're not doing well.

- I once did a private birthday
party that went so badly...

- Yeah.
- That I, like, I walked

around for hours around
New York City just, like,

mumbling to myself.
It was so terrible.

- I did an Andre Agassi charity
in Vegas

and it's, like, big black tie.

I like--I play to the crowd.
And, uh,

and then they said, "Oh,
it's you and then Sheryl Crow,"

and then this 12-year-old
singer was on...

Wasn't worried about her.
"Ray Romano," and I went--

First of all, I go up,
and this little girl does,

like, "I Will Always Love You."
She's some famous girl.

And she kills so fucking hard.

Everyone's, like--
[shouts]

Like, freaking out.
And she walks off stage, I go,

"Hey, get 'em next time."
She goes, "Huh?"

I was trying to get in
her fucking head, you know,

'cause I hated that
I had to follow her.

And I wanted to give her
a little jab,

you know, on the way out.

And then I go up
there and I'm like--

it already threw me
and then my jokes are okay.

And then I get off, like,
shaken, like you were,

and I sit back down
and I-I see Ray.

He doesn't wanna say anything,
but I go, "Dude."

I go,
"It's a tough one, man."

I go, "The tables are way back.
Kids in the front.

Speakers are bad."

He goes up
and fucking crushes.

Not kidding.

The second he walked
on till he got off, I go--

[laughter]
- David, this is a, uh,

this is a new segment
we just made up for this show.

It's called
"Explain Your Pants."

I wanna take you back
to one of your sets--

- Oh, okay.
- "Evening at the Improv."

Um...
- I thought you meant tonight.

I was like, "Fuck."

- Where you are
dressed for success

in some kick-ass
Bugs Bunny denim.

- Look at that action shot.

That's funny.
I'm doing a funny bit.

- I assume
you're on the phone?

Because Bugs Bunny
is on the phone.

David, who's he talking to?

- You know...
- Is it Taz?

That's who we all think.

- He's calling the Hack police
in the middle of my act.

He's going, "This guy's
got a bit about Jeopardy!"

Which I did.

Really had a good angle
on it, though.

My belt is concerning also.

Even worse...

oh, my God,
I shouldn't admit this.

[laughs]
I think these

were my friend's pants.

[laughter]
And I thought they were

so cool that I go,

"I want to wear them
on Evening at the Improv."

We dug and found out it was
worse than we thought.

But I remember
that HBO special.

That's when there's no stylist,
no blow dryer, no nothing.

And now I couldn't
imagine doing a show

without someone going,
"Take those fucking pants off."

- Oh, yeah.
Now on this show there's,

like, eight people who
are just stopping me from

wearing my Looney Tunes pants.

- You try to get
the Bugs Bunny pants here?

- I had all
the Tiny Tunes down one leg

and then grown up
as Looney Tunes on the other.

- I have the Tiny Tunes
so when I unzip,

my dick looks bigger.

[laughter]

We'll be right back
to discuss how David Spade

puts his pants on.

One leg at a time,

or does he think
he's better than us?

Good Talk.

- That was my writers.

- Welcome back to "Good Talk."

I'm here with David Spade.

David, what's the best movie
you've ever been in?

And you can't say
"Police Academy 4."

- I can't?
- No.

- That's just the best
movie there ever was.

[laughter]
Sharon Stone

was in "Police Academy 4."

- Oh, we're gonna get to that.

- Okay.

I loved "Police Academy."

I got 2,500 a week
for ten weeks.

My per diem was
$700 a week, cash.

I was freaking out.

So I got my little trailer
which was half banger

or whatever they call 'em.
And had my script,

circled my lines,
put my 700 in it.

Next day I come,
we're in a different location.

"Where's my script?"

They go, "Oh, they chuck
everything at night,

when we move--don't ever
leave anything in there."

I go,
"No, no, no, I wouldn't."

Um, when I got home,
I only had cleared ten grand

'cause of agent and taxes,
so I gave three

to my mom for her bills,

and one for my bills
and then I had no car

so I had six grand cash
left to buy a car.

So I got a Honda Accord,
which I thought was

the simplest, not greedy--
I wanted a Camaro,

of course I did,
I wanted a suped up Supra.

But I got this, bought it,

drove it to the Improv,
stolen.

An hour later.
- No way.

- Yeah, and I was--I just
got back from ten weeks

and I was back to fucking
zero within two days, like...

Wait, I'm back, I have no--
I had to borrow six grand

from Bobcat.
From Bobcat.

- That's amazing.

At the end of
"Police Academy 4,"

it's Mahoney's last movie, uh.

Steve Guttenberg gets out
of the franchise after that.

- Was it? Okay.
- The movie ends with

Steve Guttenberg getting
into a hot air balloon

with Sharon Stone--
- Oh, yeah, that's right.

- And drinking champagne

as they wave good-bye
to everyone.

There was no one else
in the hot air balloon.

Nothing in the previous
three "Police Academy" movies

would lead you to believe that
Steve Guttenberg's character

could operate
that hot air balloon.

I believe they both die.

That's why they're never
in any of the other movies

and you never even hear them
referenced again,

because there's a horrible
hot air balloon accident.

Am I right?

- They never told me that,
like, straight out,

but I feel like you're on
to something because

I know she never came back.

She was sort of one and done.

- Yes, yeah.

- And, uh, was that
before "Basic Instinct"?

It had to be.

It fucking had to be.
- Oh yeah, definitely.

- 'Cause she was--
we had four crotch shots

in this movie and no one cared.

[laughter]
Uh...that was her go-to.

- Now it's time for

"Obscure For Sure
and There is No Cure."

David, you were once
on an episode of "ALF."

- Yes.
- You know what that means.

- What does it mean?
- "ALF" trivia.

- Yeah!

- David, what was the name
of ALF's home planet?

- Ork!

[laughter]
It's somebody's.

- Looking for Melmac.
Ork is...

- Robin Williams.

- Yes.
"Mork & Mindy."

A completely--

and I can't stress
this enough--different show.

[laughter]
David,

how many stomachs
does ALF have?

- Oh, eight.
- Eight--

that's the one?
You don't know Melmac,

but you know eight?
- I guessed, I don't know.

- When I asked for the writers
to give me ALF questions,

everyone had, "How many
stomachs does ALF have?"

I don't know if that was
in the theme song or what,

but people know.

What was ALF's catchphrase?

- "Hey, Willie."

[laughter]

Was that close?
- [laughs]

No.
- "Let's party!"

"Cowabunga!"
[laughter]

- You're getting closer.

It was definitely on T-shirts.

"Ha, I kill me!"

- [groans]
- Yeah.

- How did that catch on?

- I can't believe that show's
not still on the air.

But during its entire run,

ALF ran on NBC
opposite what ABC drama?

- "Hill Street Blues."
- No, David.

"MacGyver."

- Oh, "MacGyver."
- It was "MacGyver."

Every episode.

I've got 25 more
ALF questions for David

I'll hit him up with
during the commercial break,

but first, let's take a look
at a sacred rite of passage

for many comedians.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- Lil Rel Howery.
Ralphie May.

Joe DeRosa.

Joey!
[applause]

- Dave Attell!

- Hal Jackson.
- Dave Attell!

- Brad Williams.
- Dave Attell.

- Michael Vecchione!
- Dave Attell.

- Russ Meneve!
- Dave Attell.

- Dave Attell.
- Dave Attell!

- Nikki Glaser!
- Dave Attell, everyone!

Dave Attell.

[dramatic music]

- Welcome back.

Unless you've been
living under a rock,

you know it's time for
"Make God Laugh."

We showcase
a comedian brother or sister

who's no longer with us.

Your George Carlins,
your Vince Champs, etcetera.

This week we chose
Brody Stevens.

- Yeah.
- David, Brody worked for you.

He opened for you a lot.
- Yeah.

- What's your favorite
Brody Stevens memory?

- Well, I knew Brody a little
bit and then I asked if he--

he was too big to open
for me, but I said,

"Would you do it for fun?
Just to come on the road

with me and Bobby, me
and Mono?" and he said yeah.

And, you know, it sorta got
him out of the house

and we had a great time.

Uh, and when he'd go on stage,

I liked when he would
berate the audience.

When he'd be fake cocky and go,
"I'm funny.

"I live in the Valley.

I had lunch with David Spade.
You didn't."

And, uh, and then he'd
talk about his car,

that it had a leather exterior.

I just--he's the type
of comedian that I

would be backstage
laughing every time 'cause...

You probably know him and like
him, he's just such a--

anybody that has a weird angle
like that and a weird voice

and the tone...

It just--something about
it really cracked me up

and he's a very sweet guy,
so--had a great time with him.

- Yeah, I don't know a comedian
who didn't love Brody,

didn't have a great story
about him.

Let's take a look
at a clip from Brody, uh,

from his Comedy Central
Half Hour.

- Lot of people say, "Brody,
you live with your mother?

"You live with your mother.

You're 42.
You live with your mother."

A lot of people say that.
That is not true.

I don't live with my mother.

I live with my sister...
[laughter]

In a condominium
owned by my mother.

Louder chuckles.
Stay with me.

I'm intense.
I get B.O. in the shower.

- Ah, we miss you, Brody.
David, thank you

so much for being here.
- Thank you, buddy.

- You truly are the best.

- I appreciate it.

- And thank you for watching.
Make sure to tune in

to "Lights Out With David
Spade" on Comedy Central

after the "Daily Show."

Until next time, "Good Talk."

- Yeah, good talk, bud.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪