All language subtitles for Good Talk With Anthony Jeselnik. s01e02_English

[bright classical music]

[dramatic classical music]

♪ ♪

- Welcome to "Good Talk with
Anthony Jeselnik."

I wanted to call it
"The Jeselnik Inquisition,"

but the network thought
that would be too smart

for their audience,
and hey, it was tough to argue.

My guest tonight is the
incomparable Kristen Schaal.

- Hello!

- You're supposed
to be nodding.

- [gasps]

- Kristen, thank you so much
for being here.

Do you remember where we met?

Was it New York or was it
the Aspen Comedy Festival?

- My first memory of you
is New York City.

We were filming our half-hour
Comedy Central specials.

It was you, me,
and John Mulaney,

and you were nice.

- I was, okay.
So you've got a foggy memory.

We did meet at
the Aspen Comedy Festival.

That was before the half-hour,

where you won
Best Alternative Comedian.

- Yeah.
- And I was, like, what?

- Yeah, I guess
I was so busy winning,

that I don't really
remember you.

- Yeah, yeah.

You won
Best Alternative Comedian,

which I think was an award
they invented that year--

- For me.
- Just to piss me off.

- I think they just invented it

because I blew
everyone's minds so much.

- Because of
how alternative you were as--

- Yeah, alternative's
gonna come back,

just like Nirvana.

Wasn't Nirvana alternative?

- I got some bad news
for you about Nirvana.

[laughter]

Kirk Cobain is dead.
- But you could have a--

- A heart attack, I think.

- Oh, was it a heart attack
to his guts?

- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Oh.

- Yeah, do you think
that if I had won

Best Alternative Comedian
that year instead of you,

that I would be a guest
on your show?

- I'm wondering what you think

is alternative
about your comedy.

- In that it's just different.

- In that it just follows
a typical stand-up format

and you never play with the
rules of comedy or stand-up.

- I think I'm--I'm on
the verge of alternative.

You know what I mean?
- Uh-huh.

- Like, if alternative
was a high school--

- Yeah.
- I'd still be alternative,

but I'm one of the jocks in
the alternative high school.

You know what I mean?
Where as you'd be,

like, playing a clarinet.

- Yeah.
Um...

all right, but did--
I was trying to remember

again if you won at
the Aspen Comedy Festival.

- No, I didn't.

I'm going to move on
for the sake of ratings.

Um--
- Yes.

- Kristen, your Twitter bio
says comedian, actress, writer.

Why that order?

- Well, I guess because when
I started that Twitter account,

I was doing comedy
the most, stand-up.

Um, because I think
I started it in 2009.

But what I really wanted to be
was an actress.

And I was doing
just a little bit of that.

And then, I just added writer.

- Yeah, just to, like,
throw people off?

- Just because
it makes you seem smarter.

- Have you ever--
- I do have--

- Written anything?
- A published book, yes.

- You do?
- I wrote it with my husband,

Rich Blomquist, and it's called
"The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex,"

and it is out of print,

and they will not
be making more copies.

- I--I would love to read it.
- Yeah.

- Next question, Kristen.
Fill in the blank.

IMDB says your
trademark is playing

"sweet-natured
but blank characters."

- Ooh, I would
say sweet-natured,

but with an unexpected storm
on the horizon.

- You changed
the whole sentence

uh, just to make us believe
you don't read your own IMDB.

"Unstable."

I was going for sweet-natured
- Oh, wait, I actually--

- But unstable characters.
- It does?

- Mm-hmm, and you failed.
- I don't think I failed.

I think I said the same thing.

Un--unstable?
You think a storm is stable?

- I asked you to parallel park,

and you got out of the car
and ran away.

- No, you asked me
to parallel park,

and I let my Tesla
do it for me.

[laughter]

- I stand corrected.

- I have a question for you.
- Please.

- When you write
your comedy jokes--

- Mm-hmm.
- They're so good.

- Mm-hmm.
- Do you think of the twist

before you write it,

or do you think of
the premise first, and then,

just like, scramble your brain
for the twist?

- The latter.
I think of the premise,

and I think of how
many different ways it can go,

and then, what's, like,
the meanest, most unexpected,

yet still makes sense way.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- You're great.
- Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- One of the best

alternative comedians
of all time.

No matter what year.
- There's just nothing

alternative about what you do.

- I think if I didn't exist,
if I hadn't been born--

- Yeah.
- Alternative comedy

would not be a thing.

- I just--you can have
alternative comedy.

- Thank you.
- But it doesn't belong to you.

- I would like the award.
- I'll give it to you.

- Now, Kristen.
- Yeah.

- We're going to do a little
Agree or Disagree.

I'm gonna share
some statements about comedy.

You're gonna tell me
whether you agree or disagree.

- Okay.
- All right.

- Two comedy geniuses,
hashing it out.

[laughter]

- Agree or disagree:
Comedy is 100% about surprise.

- Disagree.
- Disagree.

- Mm-hmm.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- I feel like a punchline

is a surprise
that makes you laugh.

- Yes, all of your--

all of your comedy
is a surprise.

That's why
you got your own show.

But I think there's sometimes

where comedy can be
about the commitment.

And maybe it's surprising
that they are so committed,

but sometimes, it isn't.

For example,
when you're watching, like,

Chris Farley, you know,

talk about being
down by the river.

- I got bad news
about Chris Farley.

- Oh, don't you say it.
- Yeah.

Shot himself.

- Well, before that,
it wasn't a surprise

that he would fully commit to
the dance of the Chippendales

or whatever, but the fact that
he was so in it was funny.

- I still disagree with you,
but I'm gonna move on.

- You think
it's still a surprise?

Commitment is the surprise.
- It's a surprise that--

his physicality
is the surprise.

The fact that he would take
his shirt off is a surprise.

- Yeah.
- You know, you don't see

that sort of thing.

- So all of comedy
is a surprise?

- I think laughter
comes from surprise.

- But it has to be
a good surprise.

- None--none of my jokes
are good surprises.

- A bad surprise--
a bad surprise is not funny.

Just saying.
Okay, go on.

- It sounds like
you're disagreeing

for the sake of disagreeing.

- No, I'm just, like--
I'm, like--

you can't just solve comedy
in one sentence.

Like, you can't just crack open
comedy for everybody to do.

- Brevity is wit.
- Is that...

[laughter]

- Agree or disagree:
You learn more from bombing

than you do from killing.

- Disagree.

- You do?
- Mm-hmm.

- I feel like, when I bomb,
I'm like,

"I got to go home and keep
working and get this together."

If I kill, I'm like,
"I know comedy, I am comedy."

And I go out and I get--
I get drunk.

- Yeah, I mean,
every situation is different.

Like, sometimes,
when I bomb, I think that--

that everything about
what I did was wrong,

and then, I never do it again.

And sometimes, when I kill,
I think that the joke

is just so perfect
that I don't work on it.

And then, when I do it again,
it bombs.

Do you ever kill
the first time,

and then bomb
immediately after?

- I'm always fascinated
by that.

It's like,
the excitement you have

when you tell that joke

for the first time--
- Yes.

- It, like,
infects the audience.

You think like,
"Oh, this joke is great."

And when you tell it again,

it's, like,
diminishing returns,

and you can never get it back.
- Never.

- Like, have you ever
tried out jokes with,

like, a piece of paper,
just reading them?

And then crossing them off
if they work or not?

- No.
- When you do that,

the audience loves it.
- Yeah.

- They laugh at the good jokes.

They laugh at the bad ones
because you cross them out.

And then, you go to, like,
the Comedy Store

or the Comedy Cellar
or somewhere,

and you tell the jokes
for real,

and they don't get nearly
the reaction they get

if the audience knows
you're just trying them out.

- What do you do to try
to keep them fresh again?

- I don't.
Once they're great, I'm like,

"This is a great joke.
I'm excited to tell it."

Like, if I have
one new joke in my act,

it refreshes the entire hour,

because I'm so happy
about that one joke.

Kristen.
- Yes?

- Agree or disagree:
It's engaging and cool

to use visual aids
during a stand-up set.

- Agree!
- Mm-hmm.

What do you think
I think about that?

- I think that you think
that your visual aids

are the images that you paint
in your audience's minds.

[laughter]

- If someone
walked in here right now

and said we looked like
we were having fun,

I think I'd have to agree.

We'll be right back.
It's Good Talk.

[dramatic classical music]

- Welcome back to "Good Talk
with Anthony Jeselnik,"

the only talk show
where I get to

swing it all around
like the big dog.

I'm here with Kristen Schaal.

- Who's the big dog?
- I'm the big dog.

- Oh, but you were comparing
yourself to the big dog.

Who is it?
- "Like the big dog."

It's me.
In this scenario, it's me.

- Oh, you're like, the top dog.
The big dog.

- I'm the big dog.

I mean, there's multiple
big dogs,

but I'm the only one
who's swinging it all around.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

- Ow, ow!

[laughter]

That's you swinging it!
Cool.

- Mm-hmm.
- Ruff, ruff, ruff!

- Very cool.
- Rawr!

- You were on "John Oliver's
New York Standup Show."

Who was the host,
where did it take place,

and what kind of performance
did you do?

- It was--
John Oliver was the host.

- Mm-hmm.
- And one season,

I did my mattress monologue,

where I pretended
to be a mattress.

Oh, God, those were the days.
And one season,

I brought my parents
on stage as props.

- And where did it take place?
- New York.

- Thank you.

You should have
just been, like,

"John Oliver,
New York, stand-up."

- Well, then, I kind of
got into, like,

what was I doing on that show?

- I think a lot of people
thought that

when they were watching you.

- Yeah, again.

[laughter]

You know what?
I'll say this, though.

- Please.
- They were weird performances,

but there's still
one or two people out there

that remember them even from,
like, 12 years ago

who occasionally,
will be, like,

"Hey, I remember
the mattress bit."

- And isn't that the point
of being on television?

For one or two people
to get it?

[laughter]

You have a one and a
half-year-old daughter.

- Oh, no!

[laughter]

- It's a fact.
- I do?

- You have a one and a
half-year-old daughter.

- Uh-huh.
- What does it sound like

when you talk to her
in a baby voice?

- Oh, I will not do that.

- No, you just talk
normal voice?

You don't want to be
condescending to your baby?

- I actually don't know how
to talk to babies in general.

Like, when I first had her,
when she came out of me,

it was just
the strangest thing.

Because I was, like,

"What do you want?
What's going on?"

And then, my mom came to visit,

and she talked to the baby
like you're supposed to.

Which is just, like,
gentle, sweet tones.

Like, "Oh, what--
do you like that?"

You know, like--
and I tried to mimic her

after she visited,
but it did not come innately

for me to talk to a baby.

- So you got pregnant,
had nine months

where you did
no research whatsoever.

- On how to talk to an infant?

- Have you seen a movie
or a TV show

where someone talks to a baby?
- I see it.

And I see my friends
being like--

[babbles]

But I can't.
Like, that's, like,

not in me at all.

- You save that for the stage.
- Oof, how dare you.

[laughter]

- You walked right into it.
What am I going to do?

Kristen, you grew up on a farm.
- Yeah.

- What was that like?

- It was--

- Ah!
What was that?

- That was the
"who cares?" Stamp.

- Oh.
- When we ask a question

that no one would ever
care about the answer.

- That's so exciting.

Thank you.
- I know.

- So this could happen
at any time?

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Okay.

- But now that you feeling
safe and warm

and totally off-guard--
- Yeah.

- Let's bring a bull
into this china shop.

- Okay, a "bowl?"
Your accent is so thick.

- What would you
call my accent?

- Philadelphian.
- Nope.

- Pittsburgian?

- I'm from there,
but that's not the accent.

It's just the way I talk.
- Oh, asshole-ian.

- You don't see me--

[laughter]

You don't see me
making fun of the way you talk.

- You did!
A lot!

We all heard it.
- It's why I had you on.

- Kirsten, you were--
- Hey, you wish

you talked like this.

- You were in an episode
of "Law and Order: SVU"

that was about
the murder and sodomy

of a local fraternity
pledge master

who had a pornographic website
featuring college girls.

Was that fun?
- Yeah.

- What did you play?
- A cremator.

- A cremator?
- Yes.

- You were--were you, like,
on the stand,

like, giving judgment
or you were, like--

you were someone
who cremated people?

- I was showing
Christopher Meloni

the box where the paddle was in
that was used for the assault.

- Okay, so that was fun.
- Yeah.

- I thought you would
have been, like,

the one doing the sodomizing.

- No.
- Maybe next year.

If a comedy club named

a food item after you,
what would it be?

- I guess I would be the
Kristen Schaal cheese sticks.

- Just the cheese sticks,
but named Kristen Schaal?

Have you ever--do you ever eat

the cheese sticks
at a comedy club?

- Yeah.
The mozzarella sticks?

- Yeah, I know what
cheese sticks are.

You don't need to
further describe them.

You would just be
the cheese sticks?

It wouldn't be
anything special?

You wouldn't have, like,
some weird dipping sauce?

It would just be cheese sticks?
- I don't think you need

a dipping sauce
if they're mine.

- Really?

You want to eat them dry?
- Yeah.

- Like, "These remind me
of Kristen Schaal.

I'm going to eat them
without the marinara."

- Let me just say this.

You don't need
marinara for cheese.

Cheese is good as is.
And then it's fried?

Like, if you need something
on top of that,

you got to really
look inside your soul.

- Okay, we don't--
we don't have time for that.

We'll be right back, but first,
take a look at this.

This is "Good Talk."

- Here's the thing that girls
love to say after sex.

It always kills me.

Maybe guys say it, too.
I don't know.

I don't fuck guys.
I don't know.

- I don't even know
if I like vaginas.

All I know is that
I don't like penises more.

- I'm not homophobic,
but I am a little uncomfortable

with the gay
fitting room attendant.

- I'm not gay, I'm not gay.
It's okay if you're gay.

I'm not.
- I'm not gay.

I don't care if people are gay.
It doesn't bother me.

- I'm not gay.

- I'm not gay,
but even if I was--

- I'm not that gay.

- ♪ But I'm not gay ♪

♪ So get your hand
out of my pants ♪

- Ha, ha, ha.

- Clearly, the height
of comedy.

- Yeah.

[dramatic classical music]

- We're back with "Good Talk."

Anthony Jeselnik is the host.
Kristen Schaal is the guest.

You did an hour special
on Comedy Central in 2013.

Let's take a look.

- It's over for me!
It's over!

No water back here!
There's no water!

Who was that little girl?

[screams]

I'll just die!

[screams]

I will break you--

Like they broke me!

- Seems like that went great.

And that's about halfway
through the special.

- Yeah.
- I think my favorite part--

I mean, when you're
throwing things around,

I thought like,
"Yeah, I get this."

When you too the knife
to the couch cushion

as if you were looking
for drugs,

that--that really sent me
over the edge.

That was one of my
favorite parts of the special.

And you said afterwards,
doing press,

that it was your goal to do,
like, a live bomb onstage.

Did you think of that concept
before or after the taping?

- [laughs]

Thanks, Anthony.

[laughter]

I thought of it before.
- Yeah?

I thought it was great.
Like, when the special opens,

it opens with you turning
to the camera and saying,

"I think this is gonna be
my last time doing stand-up."

And then, it freeze frames,
and that just--

that absolutely killed me.
- Thank you.

- I really enjoyed it.
I was--I was the one.

- I think so, actually.
I think you were the one.

- Mm-hmm, Kristen, I think
we can both agree

that if you're a real comedian,

then that means you
can describe the plot

of "You, Me, and Dupree"
in under 60 seconds.

Can you do it?
- Yeah.

This is about the threesome
that got--

that got really raunchy
when someone had to poop.

[soft music]

And then, it was like,
"who pooped?"

It could have been--
well, it was either two--

- 20 seconds left.
- Two of them pooped.

Like, everyone had a different
point of view

about who pooped
during the threesome.

- You got five seconds left.
- And we all--

and then, it was Kate Hudson.
- Mm-hmm.

And that was "You, Me:
'You, Me, and Dupree.'"

Great job, Kristen.
- Thanks.

- Most people
couldn't get that.

- [sputters]
- Now, Kristen,

you're doing great,
I'm doing great.

- Okay.
- But let's see

how you handle this.
- Okay.

- I'm going
to play you a grunt.

You tell me if it's a grunt

from Tim Allen
on "Home Improvement,"

- Mm-hmm.
- Or an imposter grunt

making fun of Tim Allen
on "Home Improvement."

Are you ready?
- Yep.

- Let's here grunt number one.

[surprised grunt]

Is that Tim Allen
or someone else?

- Do I get to compare it
with the next grunt?

- Mm-mm, you got to go
grunt-by-grunt.

- Well, that's somebody else.

- That's Tim Allen.
- What?

- That's Tim Allen.
You want to play it again?

[surprised grunt]

That's in the credits, Kristen.
- Oh, my.

- Do you know
your Tim Allen or not?

- Well, I mean,
I watched "Tool Time"

every night as a child.

- "Tool Time"?
- "Home Improvement."

- Let's hear grunt number two.

- Which was also watching
"Tool Time."

- This is grunt number two.

[sustained grunt]

- That's real.
- Real what?

- Real Tim Allen.
- That's a real Tim Allen

classic grunt,
it's been called.

- Yeah.

- Let's hear grunt
number three.

[heavy breathing]

[loud rutting]

[louder rutting]

[snorting]

[low rutting]

Was that Tim Allen
or an imposter?

- It's an imposter.
- That was a gorilla.

- Oh, okay.
- That was a gorilla

making fun of Tim Allen.

Tim Allen knows sign language,

and he would go to zoos around
the world and talk to them,

and that's how
they repaid him.

- With a grunt of appreciation.

- In the beginning,
and then it turns into mockery.

- Why?
- Satire.

- Mm.
- Let's hear grunt number four.

[guttural roar]

- I think that's Tim Allen.

Oh!
- That's Roger Federer

making fun of Tim Allen.

- Oh, Roger.
- During the match, yep.

Here's a bonus grunt.
Are you ready?

- Yeah.
- I'm going to ask you

if it's Tim Allen or not,
and then,

can you tell me what emotion

they're trying to convey
with the grunt?

- Okay.
- You ready?

- Mm-hmm.
- Let's hear number five.

- Oh-ho-ho!

- That's Tim Allen.
- That's Tim Allen.

- He is satisfied with what
his wife has suggested.

- In a way.
That's a lustful grunt.

That's like, a sexy time grunt.
- That's what I was saying.

- Yes, but in
too clean a version.

- Uh, I'm challenging you
on what's clean.

- Okay.

We'll be right back,
but don't you dare go anywhere.

This is one D block
you won't wanna miss.

- D block!
- "Good Talk."

- Sorry, sorry.
That's your outro.

- Yeah.
- I yelled right over it.

- That was great.
That's the most professional

you've been
this whole interview.

[dramatic classical music]

- And we're back
with Kristen Schaal

to wrap things up with some
of that Make God Laugh.

- Hah!
- Now, Kristen.

if you could take
any dead comedian,

bring them back from the dead,
make them perform for you once,

and have them go back
to being dead, who would it be?

- Probably Andy Kaufman.
- The great Andy Kaufman.

Why did you like him so much?

- Well, because he does push
the comedy envelope forward.

I think everything he was doing

during his career
was ahead of its time.

He was doing reality television

before there was
even reality television.

He was pulling pranks
before Howie Mandel was.

Like, he was really
pushing the envelope.

And he was surreal and absurd

and for the most part,
full of joy.

Although, he did go down
some dark paths

with certain characters, too.

Like, he really
just played the gambit of--

of, I would say,
alternative comedy.

- Would you say he's
your biggest influence?

- Absolutely, he's my biggest.
- I think of all of the people

we can, like, obviously tell

that their biggest influence
was Andy Kaufman,

you've been
the most successful.

It's almost like a path down,
like, a wrong lane

if you try to be like him
because he was so brilliant.

- Yeah.
- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

- Thank you so much,
Kristen, for being here.

You've been
spectacularly bizarre and,

dare I say it, a delight.

- You dare!
- I dare.

- Well, it's a pleasure--
- You can check out Kristen

in her new movie, "My Spy,"

starring alongside
David Bautista.

Until next time, good talk.

[dramatic classical music]

- Was it--it was a long talk.
Was it a good talk?

[bright classical music]

♪ ♪

[dramatic classical music]

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