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1
00:00:02,236 --> 00:00:05,206
- Boo, boo, boo, boo
2
00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:09,377
Boo, boo,
boo, boo
3
00:00:09,410 --> 00:00:13,347
Boo, boo, boo, boo
4
00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:17,418
Boo, boo,
boo, boo
5
00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:21,522
Boo, boo, boo, boo
6
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,891
Boo, boo,
boo, boo
7
00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:24,892
- [laughs]
8
00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:26,060
Ooh! [growls]
9
00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:27,728
- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!
10
00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:29,263
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
11
00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:40,208
- Okay, gang,
forget about the heat wave.
12
00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:41,875
Summer starts now!
13
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:43,711
- Ew, gross.
14
00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:46,614
It looks like a Vegas pool but
smells like an Orlando pool.
15
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,082
- I'm not getting in there.
16
00:00:48,116 --> 00:00:49,617
I heard a kid
once sat on a drain,
17
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:51,119
and it sucked the guts
out of his butt.
18
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:53,053
- [groans]
There's no room, Jack.
19
00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:55,623
- There's plenty of room.
Watch.
20
00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:58,126
Oh!
- Aah!
21
00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:02,530
- [gulping]
- Mm-hmm.
22
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,765
- Excuse me.
Could you unhand my penis?
23
00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:06,066
- I am so sorry.
24
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:07,701
Is that yours?
I thought it was mine.
25
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:09,237
- No problem.
26
00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:13,006
So you'll--
you'll let it go now?
27
00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:15,743
[all groaning]
28
00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:18,812
- I'm dying.
29
00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:21,081
- The AC is blowing warm air!
30
00:01:21,115 --> 00:01:23,484
- By that logic, then
the heater should blow cold.
31
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:25,419
Oh, God!
That's hot!
32
00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:29,123
- Dad, we're begging you.
33
00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:31,759
Take us somewhere
where we can cool down.
34
00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:33,894
- Jack, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
35
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:35,263
- Uh-huh.
36
00:01:35,296 --> 00:01:36,564
That guy had to know
it wasn't his penis.
37
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,999
- No.
[whispers inaudibly]
38
00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:42,470
- Oh, yeah.
Hang on, kids!
39
00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:44,172
[horns honking]
[both screaming]
40
00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:45,606
- Jack, we were going
the right way!
41
00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:48,008
- Whoop.
Hang on again, kids!
42
00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:49,810
- [screaming]
- Oh, my God!
43
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:51,779
- Here we are.
44
00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:54,782
- The woods?
They're gonna kill us.
45
00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:56,184
Kick!
[all grunting]
46
00:01:56,217 --> 00:02:00,188
- Nobody's killing anyone.
47
00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:01,655
[all scream]
48
00:02:01,689 --> 00:02:03,357
- Now march into those woods
single file.
49
00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:06,026
[all grunting]
50
00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:09,463
- Wah, wah!
- [shrieks]
51
00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:11,199
- What is it, hon?
Rattlesnakes?
52
00:02:11,232 --> 00:02:14,168
- I don't have reception.
There's rattlesnakes?
53
00:02:14,202 --> 00:02:17,004
- What the hell is this?
54
00:02:17,037 --> 00:02:20,107
- Paradise, Eden, Valhalla.
55
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,875
We called it "The Hole."
56
00:02:21,909 --> 00:02:24,212
- Every kid in town
used to come here.
57
00:02:24,245 --> 00:02:26,680
Even the ugly ones.
All were welcome.
58
00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,048
- We'd ride our bikes here
every day
59
00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:29,983
and splash around
without a care in the world.
60
00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:32,220
Swimming, laughing,
skinny dipping.
61
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:35,055
- Do you have any stories
that don't end with you naked?
62
00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:38,158
- No good ones.
- The Hole was a magical place.
63
00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:41,229
Time stood still, and summer
seemed to never end.
64
00:02:41,262 --> 00:02:42,463
- So why did you stop coming?
65
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,831
- The new mall opened up,
and they had
66
00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:45,233
air conditioning
and a Sbarro.
67
00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:46,467
- It was the first time
any of us had had
68
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,336
truly horrible Italian food.
69
00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:49,903
Come on.
70
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:51,905
Last one in is the Harris
to embarrass!
71
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:54,141
- Right behind you!
72
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,143
- Oh!
Oh ho ho!
73
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:58,212
Ow!
74
00:02:58,246 --> 00:03:00,648
Still got it!
75
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:03,083
- I don't know how to swim!
76
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:05,486
- I'm not doing this.
77
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,054
- Why didn't they
just murder us?
78
00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:08,756
[both gasping]
79
00:03:08,789 --> 00:03:11,225
- What is that?
- It's hideous!
80
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:13,227
[both screaming]
81
00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:16,063
- Whoo-hoo!
82
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:18,031
- [screams]
83
00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:20,067
- Oh, dear God.
84
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:22,002
- Ooh, we on vacation
85
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:25,005
- Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-
aah-aah-ooo!
86
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:27,741
- Yeah!
87
00:03:27,775 --> 00:03:29,176
- Yay!
- Whoo!
88
00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:30,944
[both breathing heavily]
89
00:03:30,978 --> 00:03:33,381
You know, I usually hate
hanging out with you guys,
90
00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:35,683
but I didn't think about
running away once today.
91
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:38,118
- This might be the snake venom
in me talking,
92
00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:39,853
but I think this
was a perfect day.
93
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,455
- Don't forget, Jack.
94
00:03:41,489 --> 00:03:44,191
We have to leave an offering
for the Squirrel Man.
95
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,759
- Squirrel Man?
96
00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:47,961
- Legend has it that
he watches over the woods
97
00:03:47,995 --> 00:03:50,063
and protects the swimming hole,
98
00:03:50,097 --> 00:03:52,866
so we always leave him
something to say thanks.
99
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,868
- Like leaving cookies
for Santa?
100
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:57,471
- No, nothing like that, Jing.
101
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:02,810
- Now, let's sorta put out
this fire and hit the road.
102
00:04:02,843 --> 00:04:05,178
[all grunting]
Yeah, that'll do.
103
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,917
all: And Bingo
was his name-o
104
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:14,388
- Bingo was his name-o
105
00:04:14,422 --> 00:04:17,157
[all laughing]
- Can we get a dog?
106
00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:18,826
- Ooh, great idea.
107
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:20,093
Let's go to the pet store
right no--
108
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:21,161
[gasps]
109
00:04:21,194 --> 00:04:22,663
Uh-oh.
Jack.
110
00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:24,465
Parking violator.
111
00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:27,835
Turn around!
- Whoa!
112
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:29,637
Mom, you're off duty.
113
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,439
- I'm never off duty,
and you knew that
114
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:33,240
when you signed on
to be my daughter.
115
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,575
[grunts]
116
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:37,244
[imitates siren]
117
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,112
Duncan, cover me!
118
00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:40,548
- Pump, pump.
119
00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:44,251
- Don't ticket that car.
120
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:47,020
- You're parked across
three handicap spaces.
121
00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:48,756
- I can explain.
I'm a dick.
122
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,625
- Dick or no dick,
you broke the law.
123
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:54,027
- Sorry, there's two things
I don't pay:
124
00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:55,829
Parking tickets
and child support.
125
00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:57,197
- [grunts]
- Nope!
126
00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:58,332
- [grunts]
- Too slow!
127
00:04:58,366 --> 00:04:59,867
- [grunts]
- I'm over here now!
128
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:01,301
Missed again!
- I've got a shot, Dad.
129
00:05:01,335 --> 00:05:03,036
- Stand down, Duncan.
130
00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:06,106
This is what she spent eight
years at the academy for.
131
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:08,041
[both heavy breathing]
132
00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:09,943
- Hey, look.
133
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,445
It's the mother of your
children with an attorney.
134
00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:12,613
- Oh, crap.
Which one?
135
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:13,681
- Take the shot.
136
00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:15,449
- Aah!
137
00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:17,217
- [grunts]
138
00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:18,919
- You've been super served.
139
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,355
- [grumbles]
[grunts]
140
00:05:21,389 --> 00:05:23,190
- Ugh.
Oh.
141
00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:25,225
Contested?
142
00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:29,296
I'm used to death threats,
but contesting my ticket?
143
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,064
That's just sick.
144
00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:33,133
- Remember, honey,
you're on public access TV,
145
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:34,735
so play to the cameras.
146
00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:38,539
- Okay, let's get started.
[clears throat]
147
00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:42,410
[clearing throat]
148
00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:44,044
- What am I gonna do?
149
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,013
Judge Jeremiah's
getting clobbered
150
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:49,216
in the public access ratings
by a live feed of the dump.
151
00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:52,252
- Go back!
152
00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:54,054
My boyfriend will kill me if
I watch the dump without him.
153
00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:58,258
- First case, Annie Harris
versus Neil LaDouche.
154
00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:01,161
Okay, sweetie.
What did you hit?
155
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:04,932
- Wha--I didn't hit anything.
I'm parking enforcement.
156
00:06:04,965 --> 00:06:07,200
This able-bodied wisenheimer
157
00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:09,903
parked in three
handicap spaces.
158
00:06:09,937 --> 00:06:11,171
- I disagree, Your Honor.
159
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,273
- Well, I don't know
who to believe.
160
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:15,008
Case dismissed.
161
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:17,177
- Don't you bang that gavel.
162
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:18,712
- Okay.
163
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,914
- You will not dismiss me
or this case.
164
00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:23,717
You know, I am sick and tired
of rich people
165
00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:25,118
not having to follow
166
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,520
the same rules
as the rest of us.
167
00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:29,623
Justice should be served
equally to everyone,
168
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:31,525
like free booze at a wedding.
169
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:33,360
Am I right?
[crowd agreeing]
170
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,429
And justice should be swift,
171
00:06:35,463 --> 00:06:37,565
not sitting under a heat lamp
for two hours
172
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:39,800
waiting for the bridal party
to finish taking pictures
173
00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:41,101
while we starve.
174
00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:43,036
- Yeah!
[crowd cheering]
175
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,872
- Who is that?
176
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,740
My idiot constituents
love her.
177
00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:48,709
- Her name is A--
- Shut up, I'm watching.
178
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,110
- So in conclusion, Your Honor,
179
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,145
tell Mr. LaDouche he is not
above the law,
180
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:53,914
he needs to pay that fine,
181
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,916
and that destination weddings
are a burden.
182
00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:57,785
That is what
the honeymoon's for.
183
00:06:57,818 --> 00:07:00,153
[crowd cheering]
- Yeah, mommy!
184
00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,456
- He paid the fine
ten minutes ago.
185
00:07:02,490 --> 00:07:04,458
He's in the parking lot
doing doughnuts.
186
00:07:04,492 --> 00:07:06,794
- Ha ha!
[gunshots]
187
00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:08,662
Take that, sky!
188
00:07:08,696 --> 00:07:12,633
- Annie, how would you like to
be a low-paid part-time judge
189
00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:14,234
on public access television?
190
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:17,270
- A TV judge?
What do you think, Jack?
191
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:19,139
- I don't know.
You'd be working two jobs,
192
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:21,341
we have kids, you keep saying
we're gonna watch "The Wire."
193
00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:22,810
- Jack, shut it.
Hey.
194
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:24,244
What if we made you
a TV bailiff?
195
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:25,946
Good?
196
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:29,016
- Then I'd say, Judge Annie
will return after this.
197
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,018
[hitting gavel]
198
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:33,153
- So we're not getting a dog?
199
00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:38,425
- All rise and shine
200
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:41,929
for the new star of Oakland
Public Access, the honorable...
201
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,131
- Judge Mommy!
202
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:46,433
- I hereby call
this breakfast to order.
203
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,201
- I'm loving the robe, honey.
204
00:07:48,235 --> 00:07:51,171
It leaves everything
to the imagination.
205
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:53,440
- I don't get it, Mom.
How can you be a judge?
206
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,175
Don't you have to, like,
go to college
207
00:07:55,208 --> 00:07:57,010
and have a red, old face?
208
00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:58,378
- Nope.
All you gotta do is a take
209
00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,614
a 45-minute online course.
It's easy.
210
00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:02,182
- I want to be a judge.
211
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:03,851
- It's not that easy, Jing.
212
00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:05,686
- Are you gonna be dealing
with any troubled youth
213
00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:08,121
who only know how to express
their feelings by fighting?
214
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,023
- Sorry.
I only cover small stuff
215
00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:13,293
like traffic violations,
property disputes,
216
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:16,029
and if I'm lucky,
seizure of a speedboat.
217
00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:17,497
- Cool.
218
00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:19,733
- I sentence you
to 20 years in prison,
219
00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:22,736
and to give
my son that speedboat.
220
00:08:22,770 --> 00:08:25,238
- [grunting]
221
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:28,709
[engine revving]
222
00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:30,310
[all cheering]
223
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:33,080
- Cool boat, Duncan.
Want to catch some bad guys?
224
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:34,815
- You know it.
225
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:38,085
- Read chapter seven
about the Louisiana Purchase!
226
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,587
[all cheering]
227
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,021
- All right!
- Slap.
228
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:44,057
[purring]
229
00:08:45,893 --> 00:08:47,728
Where'd everyone go?
- They left while your eyes
230
00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:50,998
were glazed over and you were
high-fiving the air.
231
00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:53,000
- Crap.
The heat wave's back.
232
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:56,336
- [gasps]
I call the cool row of tiles!
233
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,771
Ahh.
- I'm the oldest.
234
00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,272
The cool tiles
are my birthright.
235
00:08:59,306 --> 00:09:01,208
[grunts]
- Wait.
236
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:04,011
What are we doing on the floor?
We've got The Hole.
237
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,046
- Let's roll.
238
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:09,082
- Okay,
first case on the docket.
239
00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:10,784
It says here, Hal,
240
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,353
that you sold Mr. Mitch
a defective ladder.
241
00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:14,955
Mr. Mitch,
talk to me.
242
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,523
- Well, I bought it
for the school to secure
243
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,125
the ceiling tiles
that keep falling
244
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,192
on the students' heads.
245
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,628
But then the ladder broke
246
00:09:20,661 --> 00:09:22,630
and I fell
on the students' heads.
247
00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:25,098
Sometimes I wonder if I'll
ever regain their trust.
248
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:28,201
- Hal, it sounds to me
like the ladder was defective.
249
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:31,104
- Well, actually,
he was just using it wrong.
250
00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:33,306
You see, you need to put
one foot on each--
251
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:36,076
- [gibbers authoritatively]
Is this a courtroom,
252
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:37,945
or a mansplaining convention?
253
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:39,546
[laughter]
- She's funny.
254
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:42,149
- Mr. Mitch,
you can go back to Hal's store
255
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,384
and pick any ladder you want.
256
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:47,154
Hal, learn to shut it.
Ya guilty.
257
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:48,255
[cheers and applause]
258
00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:49,823
- What's mansplaining?
259
00:09:49,857 --> 00:09:51,158
- This feels like a trap.
260
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,962
- This is it.
The Hole.
261
00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:56,129
Wolf,
where's your bathing suit?
262
00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:59,266
- Almost forgot.
Okay, ready.
263
00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:02,002
- Why didn't you tell me
Wolf was jacked?
264
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,603
- This place is beautiful.
265
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,939
It reminds me of "Avatar,"
I think.
266
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:07,307
Wait, what was "Avatar" about,
again?
267
00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:08,475
- I don't know.
268
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:10,778
It's so unspoiled and pure.
269
00:10:10,811 --> 00:10:12,279
I should start a hotel here.
270
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:16,583
- Oh, my God.
Check this out.
271
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,318
A jet ski!
272
00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:22,289
[all shouting]
273
00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:25,258
This is gonna define
our childhood!
274
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,995
- [muttering]
275
00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:29,997
- Keep kicking, buddy.
You're doing great.
276
00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:31,498
- You got me?
Have you still got me?
277
00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:33,200
Have you all still got me?
all: Yes.
278
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:35,368
- I'm not gonna let
anything happen to you.
279
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:38,605
all: On your mark,
get set, chicken fight!
280
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,473
[all yelling]
281
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:48,181
- Duncan, will you put
sunscreen on my back?
282
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:50,784
- With pleazh.
283
00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:53,053
Wait. That wasn't me.
I make trumpet farts.
284
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,221
[farts]
See?
285
00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:56,189
- [groans]
- Oh, why'd I do that?
286
00:10:56,223 --> 00:10:58,358
[groans]
287
00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:01,161
- Oh, great Squirrel Man,
288
00:11:01,194 --> 00:11:04,698
we honor you
with these humble offerings.
289
00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:05,899
Okay, what do you got?
290
00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:07,835
- Shotgun shell.
- Vegan ham.
291
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,136
- My parents'
garage door clicker.
292
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,370
- Wet Frito crumbs.
293
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:13,240
- He will be pleased.
294
00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:16,209
- You say your neighbor's dog
is barking all night,
295
00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:19,212
but the only one I hear
yapping is you!
296
00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:20,247
[laughter]
297
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,250
Cone him, Jack-O.
298
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:25,252
- [howls]
299
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,654
- She's a hit!
Have some champagne with me.
300
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:28,989
- But I'm three years sober.
301
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,423
- That sounds like
a "you" problem.
302
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:32,359
- Another divorce?
303
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:34,161
You're off again,
you're on again.
304
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,229
You're off again,
you're on again.
305
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:37,865
Are you a couple,
306
00:11:37,898 --> 00:11:39,599
or are you
a friggin' light switch?
307
00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:40,934
all: Ya guilty.
308
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:42,936
- Ya guilty.
[all cheering]
309
00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:44,604
- Look at us,
310
00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:47,240
sitting in the "rich guys
with mistresses" section.
311
00:11:47,274 --> 00:11:49,843
- They even gave me
fresh crayons.
312
00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:52,112
[chews loudly]
Mm. Royal blue.
313
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:53,546
- Oh, this is crazy.
314
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:56,049
I'm on the cover of both
public access trade mags.
315
00:11:56,083 --> 00:12:00,353
- Everyone's staring
because my tan looks so good.
316
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,589
- Judge Annie,
I'm such a big fan.
317
00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:04,792
Can I have a selfie?
- Sure, why not?
318
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:06,059
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We're in the middle
319
00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:08,028
of a comped family dinner.
320
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:11,298
But you can buy this official
Judge Annie T-shirt.
321
00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:13,533
- Um, can I have one
without the back?
322
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,969
- You got it.
323
00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:18,939
- Today, I'm gonna swim
in that cave
324
00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:20,540
and look for smugglers.
325
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,275
- I'ma go scope out
the beach on the other side,
326
00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:24,945
start my own Fyre Festival.
327
00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:27,080
- What?
328
00:12:27,114 --> 00:12:29,216
I thought The Hole
was for everyone.
329
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,218
- So we can't
come here anymore?
330
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:32,920
- Like hell.
331
00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:34,121
[yells]
332
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:36,156
Apparently not.
333
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:38,291
- Okay, fence, it's on.
334
00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:41,094
[grunts]
Go, go, go!
335
00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:43,163
- What are you punks doing?
336
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:45,565
- Trespassing.
Come on.
337
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,134
Oh, crap.
338
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:48,135
[groans]
339
00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:49,302
[synthesizer tone]
340
00:12:49,336 --> 00:12:50,938
- [panting]
341
00:12:50,971 --> 00:12:52,172
Hello!
342
00:12:52,205 --> 00:12:56,343
Let's get ready to justice!
343
00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:59,479
- Papa Mom's Pizza
proudly presents
344
00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:02,282
Judge Annie "Ya Guilty" Harris!
345
00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:04,117
- Yeah!
346
00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:06,486
- And introducing the plaintiff
with a net worth
347
00:13:06,519 --> 00:13:09,022
he always keeps
at 69 million dollars,
348
00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:11,825
Neil LaDouche.
349
00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:13,360
[silence]
350
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:16,796
And the defendants,
Duncan and Kimberly--
351
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:19,032
I love those names.
- Aww.
352
00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:20,868
- Harris?
- What?
353
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:22,602
- Kids,
what are you doing here?
354
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:24,271
- We tried to use
the swimming hole,
355
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,139
but this jerk
says that he owns it,
356
00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:28,208
and he charged us
with attempted trespassing.
357
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:31,044
- I thought The Hole
was on public land.
358
00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:33,013
- Yeah.
No one owns The Hole.
359
00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:34,781
- Actually, I do.
360
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,616
I bought all
the public land in town
361
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:39,186
so my ex couldn't have a picnic
with her new boyfriend.
362
00:13:39,219 --> 00:13:41,388
So it's my right
and white privilege
363
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:44,024
to develop the property,
and starting tomorrow,
364
00:13:44,057 --> 00:13:47,027
I plan to break ground
on a brand-new go-kart track.
365
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:49,196
[all gasp]
- For adults only.
366
00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:50,663
all: Boo!
367
00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:52,632
- That's bogus.
368
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,634
- Mom, I mean, Your Highness,
369
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:57,137
The Hole means so much to us,
370
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,838
just like it did
to you and Dad.
371
00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:02,475
Wolf learned to swim there.
I did a sick backflip.
372
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:04,177
- It was tight.
- And when we're old,
373
00:14:04,211 --> 00:14:07,180
we'll think about The Hole
and be happy and cry,
374
00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:09,983
like Grandpa does when he sees
an American flag.
375
00:14:10,017 --> 00:14:12,485
- [moans]
This land has meant so much
376
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:15,055
to the kids of Oakdale
ever since we stole it
377
00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:17,157
from its indigenous
inhabitants.
378
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:20,928
It has been sitting there
unused for many years.
379
00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:23,863
I got to swim in it.
My kids now swim in it.
380
00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:26,533
And future generations
should swim in it, too.
381
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:29,202
- My wife,
hero of the people.
382
00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:31,171
- However--
both: Uh-oh.
383
00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:34,074
- Mr. LaDouche does own it,
384
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:36,243
so the court reluctantly rules
385
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:39,112
in favor of LaDouche's
Adult Go-Kart World.
386
00:14:39,146 --> 00:14:41,714
Sorry, my beloved children.
387
00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:43,450
Ya guilty.
- Mom!
388
00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:45,252
- What?
- Sorry, kids.
389
00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:46,453
The law is the law.
390
00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:48,121
- I really hate to do this,
391
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:49,689
but I need you to look
into the camera and say,
392
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:53,693
"Papa Mom's,
that's-a spicy justice."
393
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:56,629
both: "Papa Mom's,
that's-a spicy justice."
394
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:57,897
- Okay, now one in Spanish.
395
00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:06,873
- You guys have hardly touched
your personal party pizzas.
396
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,741
You love Papa Mom's,
397
00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:09,876
official sponsor of me.
398
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:10,877
- Why bother?
399
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:12,112
As soon as we enjoy it,
400
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:13,613
you'll just give it
to a rich guy.
401
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:15,048
- How could you do that to us?
402
00:15:15,082 --> 00:15:17,084
That was the wrongest thing
403
00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:18,318
that's ever happened
in a courtroom.
404
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:19,819
- I don't know what you did,
Mommy,
405
00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:21,754
but it sounds irredeemable.
406
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:23,823
Oh, guess what.
I learned a new word today.
407
00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:27,227
- I feel terrible, kids,
but my hands were tied.
408
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,229
I have to uphold the law.
409
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:31,064
When I finished
that online course,
410
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:33,133
I clicked "agree"
on a sacred oath.
411
00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:34,567
- That does it.
412
00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:36,169
I'm getting you fired
by finding
413
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:37,504
your old offensive tweets.
414
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:39,572
"Cumberbatch is a treasure."
415
00:15:39,606 --> 00:15:41,674
"At Dane Cook, ha!"
416
00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:43,810
"At Delta,
why is my luggage wet?"
417
00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:46,113
These suck.
- Oh, yeah?
418
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:49,016
Well, President of Delta
Glen Hauenstein
419
00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:51,784
slid into my DMs
with a personal apology,
420
00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:52,819
and now we're Twitter buddies.
421
00:15:52,852 --> 00:15:54,354
- Kids, get out here.
422
00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:57,657
I have something better
than a swimming hole!
423
00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:59,859
The box says
only one person at a time,
424
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:02,495
but I'm sure
that's just for safety.
425
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:03,530
[grunts]
426
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:05,632
Whoa!
427
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:07,667
Oh! Summer starts--
428
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,102
Oh!
[snake hisses]
429
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:11,038
Ow! It's a baby,
so it doesn't know
430
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:13,640
when to stop producing venom!
431
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:15,042
- You know what, Jing?
Your father and I
432
00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:17,710
have been so busy
dispensing justice,
433
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:20,213
we totally forgot
about getting that dog.
434
00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:22,049
- Oh, yeah.
You're right.
435
00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:24,051
As soon as we're done here,
we're going straight to the--
436
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,486
- Listen up.
We got a standoff in progress.
437
00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:28,155
We're taking Judge Annie
on the road.
438
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:29,356
Follow me.
439
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:32,192
- I was this close to a puggle.
440
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:36,063
- Why am I blindfolded?
441
00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:39,232
- Annie, it's reality TV.
We can't fake your reaction.
442
00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,668
Yeah--oh, sorry.
I can say that better.
443
00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:43,203
Ready?
Three, two, one.
444
00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:47,006
It's reality TV.
We can't fake your reaction.
445
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,741
Oh, that's awful.
Go with the first one.
446
00:16:57,784 --> 00:17:00,187
- The Hole?
What are we doing here?
447
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:03,723
- Annie, we're creating
public access ratings gold.
448
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:05,925
This is gonna be bigger
than the time
449
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:08,228
that zoning commissioner
jumped off the bridge.
450
00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:10,263
It's perfect.
- What's the case?
451
00:17:10,297 --> 00:17:11,764
- That small business owner--
452
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:13,066
- LaDouche.
453
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:16,203
Versus a gang
of radicalized teens.
454
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:20,207
- [gasps]
Duncan, Kimberly, other kids,
455
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,175
what the hell are you doing?
456
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:24,344
- We are skinny-dipping
for justice.
457
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:27,447
If he wants to drain this lake,
he's legally a perv.
458
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,083
- Yeah. He'll have to register
as a sex offender,
459
00:17:30,117 --> 00:17:31,951
just like
the zoning commissioner did.
460
00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:35,355
- Jack, our kids are involved
in a naked rebellion.
461
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,923
- This is terrible.
462
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:38,091
Where should
I set up the merch?
463
00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:39,692
Oh, and can you say
"Ya guilpy"?
464
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:41,794
I got a bunch
of misprinted T-shirts.
465
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:43,130
- Kids, get out of there.
466
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:44,631
You're breaking the law,
467
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:46,566
and you ate
less than an hour ago.
468
00:17:46,599 --> 00:17:47,967
- Sorry, Mom.
469
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,103
This story
ends with us being naked.
470
00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:53,206
- I will prune
for my core beliefs.
471
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,475
- Yeah, your boy will always
drop draws for the right cause.
472
00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:57,076
You know what?
Put that on a shirt.
473
00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:58,711
- I have my jeans on
because I have body issues,
474
00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,313
but I share their outrage.
475
00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:03,250
- I will not be intimidated
by middle-class children.
476
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:04,984
God created this paradise
477
00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:07,120
for me to race
my adult friends in go-karts.
478
00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:09,222
- You flip that switch,
ya gonna regret it.
479
00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:11,057
- [laughs]
Oh, Annie.
480
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,160
You know the justice system
better than anyone.
481
00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:15,728
Rich people
never suffer consequences.
482
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:19,065
[dramatic music]
483
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,633
- [mutters]
484
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:22,001
Perv, perv!
485
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:24,304
all: Perv, perv, perv!
486
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:26,806
[all muttering]
487
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:29,142
Perv, perv, perv.
488
00:18:29,176 --> 00:18:31,511
- Okay, ya boy is not sure
this is the right cause.
489
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:33,413
- I hate my shoulders so much.
490
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,014
- Stop.
They're nice.
491
00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:38,351
- I came here to do a job,
and I'm doing it.
492
00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:39,819
[all gasp]
493
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:42,255
That's right.
They're different sizes.
494
00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:44,257
- Make your ruling fast,
Judge Annie.
495
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:46,959
We don't have the budget
to pixelate.
496
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,127
- Oh, God, oh, God.
497
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:50,263
[horn blaring]
498
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:51,798
- Silence!
499
00:18:54,901 --> 00:18:57,470
- The Squirrel Man.
500
00:18:57,504 --> 00:19:00,006
He is real.
501
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:02,041
- How's it going?
Thanks for coming.
502
00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:04,076
'Sup.
503
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:09,048
I've lived here for 50 years,
504
00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:11,218
peacefully watching
teenagers skinny-dip
505
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:13,119
with my squirrel wife,
and eating
506
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:15,488
the treats left for me,
much like Santa Claus
507
00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:16,789
enjoying his cookies.
508
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,057
- [grumbles]
- [groans]
509
00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:20,059
- I never thought I'd see a day
510
00:19:20,092 --> 00:19:23,196
that this peaceful place
would see such conflict.
511
00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:25,498
If I've learned
one thing from my solitude,
512
00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:27,400
it's that
the meaning of life is--
513
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,035
- 50 years?
514
00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:30,737
Well, that means you have
squatter's rights.
515
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:34,140
- Are you saying
that old weirdo owns this land?
516
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:37,510
- Yes, under the laws
of adverse possession,
517
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:41,080
which means he gets to decide
what the land is used for.
518
00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:43,250
What's it gonna be,
Squirrel Man?
519
00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:47,387
- I say, my big,
beautiful toilet stays!
520
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:48,821
[all cheering]
521
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:51,591
- Sorry, LaDouche,
but ya guilpy.
522
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:53,526
- Guilpy, guilpy, guilpy!
523
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:54,661
[cheers and applause]
524
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:56,062
- [yells]
525
00:19:56,095 --> 00:19:59,666
- T-shirts!
Who wants a T-shirt?
526
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:03,303
- Can we all have
an extra, extra large?
527
00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:06,906
both: Thanks, Mom!
We love you!
528
00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:08,174
- Copy that, kids.
529
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:12,078
- You took on the system
and won, Duncan.
530
00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:14,447
Hey, I'm gonna get out now,
'cause that guy poops in here.
531
00:20:14,481 --> 00:20:17,484
- Yeah.
He's wise, but he's gross.
532
00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:22,522
- And so the children
had a wonderful summer,
533
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:25,124
and I watched
every moment of it.
534
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,593
Not sexually.
What's your deal?
535
00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:28,094
I thought you were cool.
536
00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:29,896
Oh, and Annie's
no longer a judge.
537
00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:31,063
Good night.
538
00:20:35,101 --> 00:20:36,603
- The plaintiff
is suing her parents
539
00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:39,639
for reneging
on promise of dog.
540
00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:41,941
- All right,
who's gonna lie to me first?
541
00:20:41,974 --> 00:20:43,109
- Well, Your Honor--
542
00:20:43,142 --> 00:20:44,611
- Wells are for drinking water.
543
00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:47,046
- Your Honor,
we never actually said--
544
00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:51,050
- [gibbering authoritatively]
545
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:53,085
Zip it.
Jing, did your parents
546
00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:54,621
tell you that they were
gonna get you a dog?
547
00:20:54,654 --> 00:20:56,923
- Yes. It felt like
a verbal contract.
548
00:20:56,956 --> 00:20:59,959
- Byrd,
bring me a box of puppies.
549
00:21:00,993 --> 00:21:02,595
Take as many as you want,
sweetie.
550
00:21:02,629 --> 00:21:04,597
- Oh!
I'll take all of them.
551
00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:07,066
- But Judge Judy,
the discussion was for one.
552
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,336
- Oh, so there
was a discussion.
553
00:21:09,369 --> 00:21:10,637
- Damn it.
She's good.
554
00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:12,972
- You're a liar,
and you're guilpy.
555
00:21:13,005 --> 00:21:15,475
The court rules
in favor of Jing.
556
00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:18,945
- Hey, Judge Judy,
want to fight crime?
557
00:21:18,978 --> 00:21:21,448
- Hell yeah!
558
00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:24,517
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
559
00:21:24,551 --> 00:21:26,252
- I love you, Jing.
560
00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:30,423
- I love you, too--oh, wait.
Is this a dream?
561
00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:32,392
- I thought the speedboat
gave it away.
562
00:21:39,699 --> 00:21:41,434
-Yaah!
-ANNOUNCER: Welcome to
the world of Duncanville.
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