Original subtitles

Boy, am l in for it now. Sent before the white desk again.

But what did l do?

The solar lander, you fool. You painted a moustache on it.

But Orson doesn't know l did it.

Then why am l here?

lf l knew that, l wouldn't be talking to myself.

- Mork. - Good morning, Orson.

Orson?

You call me Orson to my face,

but behind my back you call me Fatso,

Rocketship Thighs and Star Tush.

You forgot Laser Breath.

- Sorry, Your lmmenseness. - See what l mean?

These constant displays of humour

are not acceptable behaviour here on Ork.

You're right. We are rather a dull lot. The white bread of the universe.

Emotions have been weeded out of us for the good of the race.

And you constantly make jokes. l'm afraid that won't do.

There is an insignificant planet on the far side of the galaxy.

From the fragmented reports we have on it, the people are, well...

- Real nimnuls? - Exactly.

That's why l think you'll fit in there, Mork.

You're too kind, sir.

What is the name of this hellhole you're sending me to?

Earth.

Earth. l was on Earth three bleams ago.

l was sent there by a Biology class to collect a specimen.

l had to throw it back though, too small.

l loved that place.

Well, don't enjoy it too much. lt's not a vacation.

We want you to learn all we can about primitive societies.

Your mission is to report back to me, mentally,

about the things you learn there.

And remember, this is a serious mission.

You can count on me, Orson.

D, D and E. Dedicated, diligent and efficient.

- l love this spot. - lt's beautiful.

You know the reason l enjoy taking you out

is you don't put pressure on me.

You don't force me into playing that virile stud macho role, you know?

Only one suitcase? You lost half my luggage.

You nimnuls.

- Oh, Mindy. - Stop it!

Don't you ever do that again. Not even if my blouse is on fire.

l can't believe you.

Three dates and you think you can attack me

like a Thanksgiving turkey?

Oh, l love it when you talk dirty.

Will you cut it out?

Now, look, you know, l liked you a lot better when you were ineffectual.

l don't even think l like you at all after tonight.

Good point. l think l should take you home.

Because l respect you.

Well, l'll drive, to make sure we get to our respective homes,

still respecting each other.

lf that's the way you feel about it, why don't you just walk home?

lf that's the way you want it, l'll be happy to walk home.

Hey, wait a minute. That's my car.

Father.

What are you doing out here?

This is where l was dropped off.

Oh, yeah? Well, l got dropped off too.

You don't know what happened to me, he just took my car.

Well, l'm glad to have someone l can trust to walk into town with.

l mean, this isn't a confession or anything,

but l only had three crummy dates with the guy

and he takes my car and makes me walk.

Very interesting. Mind if l take notes?

l mean, l don't know where he gets off...

Well, here it is.

Oh, thanks a lot for walking me home, Father.

l'm afraid l hardly gave you a chance to talk,

but l was just so mad, you know what l mean?

Nap, nap, my pleasure. l was sent here to learn, you know.

Well, if there's anything l can do for you...

Oh, if it's not too precious, a glass of water

and if it is, a quart of oil will suffice.

l think l can spring for the water.

Spring water, humour.

Better yet, how about ice tea?

Oh, when on Earth, do as the Earthlings.

How are they treating you?

Do you talk to your plants too?

Oh, yes, they're good listeners, especially the old ones.

Yeah, l talk to my plants all the time.

lt keeps them young, it keeps them healthy.

Your suit's on backwards.

lt is? Boy, do l feel like a clone.

You're not a priest. Who are you?

l am Mork from Ork. Na-no, na-no.

- Ork? - Yes. You see, Ork is a planet.

You follow the Big Dipper till it comes to a dead end,

then you hang an up.

- An up? - Up, down.

Hard to tell out in hyper space.

Oh, right.

l have a poor sense of direction myself.

- So you're from outer space? - Yes.

Mind if l take a few pictures

for the folks on the home planet? They'd like to get some postcards.

- No. - Okay, watch the flukie.

- How did you do that? - With my instamatic glove.

Some models starting under 30 thribets.

Oh, mind if l do?

The pause that refreshes.

You drank that with your finger.

- Yes, how do you drink? - With my mouth.

Well, how do you talk and drink at the same time? Must be drool city.

Now, look, whoever you are. Now, you can't scare me.

Now, there's no such thing as a man from outer space.

l don't know how you did those tricks, but you just better keep your distance,

or you're gonna hear me scream like you've never heard anybody scream.

l've never heard anyone scream.

ls that your way of saying thanks?

Help has already arrived, so you just stay cool, space man, or else--

lt's for you.

My lost luggage.

Spiffy new-new because my casual clothes are in there.

Take a hike, scrim, scrim.

Oh, l forgot. Sorry. Here we go.

Keep the change.

You really are from out there.

No, actually, l'm from out there.

You see, out there is not a nice neighbourhood,

l wouldn't go there during a total eclipse.

An alien.

- You're not gonna hurt me, are you? - Hurt you?

No, damaging other life forms is unthinkable to us.

l wouldn't harm a harf on your cholly-cho-cho.

lt occurs to me we have not been formally introduced.

A formal introduction is at hand.

Get down.

l am Mork from Ork, na-no, na-no?

l'm Mindy McConnell.

l like a being with a firm ribbit.

Shows character, at least evolution.

Oh, thank you. How do you say ''thank you'' in your language?

We spit.

- Mind if l don't say thank you? - No sweat off my front.

l just can't believe this.

l'm standing here talking to an alien.

Do you realize the historic sweep of this?

- l mean, the world will be astounded. - No, nap, nap.

You see, my mission is to observe Earth

and the only way l can do that is by being one of you.

A face in the crowd, which is easy because l fit right in.

Not really.

- No? - No.

- You sure? - Oh, l'm sure.

l'll tell you what.

Now, l'm as interested in you and your planet as you are about us,

so how about, l can teach you how to act Earthling

if you teach me more about Ork.

- ls that a deal? - A fair exchange.

Let's formally close the deal.

Mind if l just spit?

lt's your house.

l will be staying here, won't l?

l mean, l've heard so much about your Earthling hospitality.

Oh, well, you can temporarily.

Oh, but if my father finds out.

Father? On Earth, you have natural parents.

You see, l am a test-tube baby.

- Really? - Yes.

My father was an eye dropper, the scum.

Why would you say that?

Well, he ran away and left mom, he ran off with a bottle of nose drops.

Can't blame him though, she had those tight labels.

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on, please, hey, stop!

Stop.

lt's too early in the morning for duelling Beethoven.

lt's the only music l can challenge him with, dear.

He won't play anything by Alice Cooper.

That's because l play piano.

Alice Cooper just beats on the keys with a dead snake.

But at least he shows feeling.

- Are you two gonna start this again? - l am a musician.

l sell violins and l sell cellos, they're classics.

That's food for the spirit and a feast for the soul.

While you peddle junk food.

Frederick.

lf you were in heaven and God said:

''l will give you a choice, you can be born with brains,

or you can be born with a permanent rash on your fanny.''

Now, which would you choose?

- The brains. - Good.

l see you learned by your mistake.

Mother-in-laws are the curse of marriage.

Oh, Daddy, you know she loves to tease you.

- lt's what keeps her young. - Yes, but it's making me old.

Mindy, isn't that your second cup of coffee?

lt's my fourth.

But you don't drink coffee.

Why are you all of a sudden drinking gallons of coffee?

Unless you stayed up late.

You're right, this must be my first cup of coffee.

- Mindy. - Dad, l was up late last night.

Dad, l met the most fascinating person.

l was up half the night talking to him.

Him? Half the night?

Dad, l'm 21 .

Oh, honey, l know, l know.

lt's just that l'll always think of you as my little girl.

l know you will.

Mindy, look who l found wandering the streets looking for you.

Correction, munchkin-like person,

l wasn't wandering, l was trying to explore your world.

He's new in town, Eugene.

Mork, l'll be happy to show you around after work.

- Work? - Yes, people have to work for a living.

What a novel concept.

Mindy, who's your beatnik friend?

Oh, Daddy, this is Mork. Mork, this is Mr. McConnell.

Mork, he's my father.

What an interesting position to be in.

l tip my tripla to you, sir, doo-da, doo-da.

Well, l guess it's time for my violin lessons.

Thank you for taking me to your leader. Sizbah!

Hey, l'd like to see you again, where can l find you?

l'll be up at Mindy's place. Come by any time.

- Hang tough, man. - What it was, my main man.

- You'll be at Mindy's place? - Yes, we're living together.

Catch you later, Jack, on the rebound clown.

Your mama.

Living together?

That's not what it seems.

Your grandmother's the one with the hearing problem.

l distinctly heard him say ''you were living together.''

Well, Mork-- Mork is a practical joker. Oh, you heard his voice, right?

And with a name like Mork you'd be a practical joker, too, right?

Oh, then he's not staying in your...

And he's not sleeping in your...

No one is sleeping in my...

And no one is sleeping there either.

A pie in the face.

How do you Earthlings think of something so original, so unique?

Mork, you and l have got to have a talk,

so you might as well sit down and make yourself comfortable.

Don't mind if l do.

Now, Mork, today, you did a bad thing.

You told my father we're living together.

Now, l know you didn't mean to do any harm and it's all--

- What are you doing? - You said to make myself comfortable.

Mork, can you take a little constructive criticism?

Of course.

lt's not nice to sit on your face.

Then why did God put it there?

Oh, boy, l'll tell you,

l can tell teaching you to be Earthling is not gonna be easy.

Now, if you wanna pass for one of us,

the first thing we'll have to do,

is we'll have to work on your voice.

Your voice is, it's not right.

Well, how about this one?

You say another word, l'll blow your lips into the sink.

That was not quite you.

Or this one? Hey, Ralphie boy. Norton. To the moon, Norton.

Or this one:

On the good ship lollipop

How did you learn those voices?

We've been monitoring your TV for years.

My favourite is Lucy, you can't do the show.

Ricky.

Oh, boy, l can tell this isn't gonna be easy.

Oh, Mork, you just don't understand the problems you present.

l realize l do cause trouble. Heavy sigh.

The last time l was here l caused a big problem too.

You were on Earth before?

About 20 bleams ago, l was here to visit my friend, The Fonz.

Do you know him? Hey.

- Are you interested? - Oh, yeah, definitely.

Then l'll take you back, prepare time-warp sequence.

Yo, Cunningham residence.

No, Richie ain't here right now.

Well, because he and his family went off

on a little vacation jaunt, you know.

Hey, you sound very adorable. What's your name?

Mary, how are you? Arthur Fonzarelli here, house-sitter.

You never heard of me?

What are you, new in town or are you just back from lunch?

Yes, Mary, l will tell Richie that you called.

Yes. Bye-bye, Mary.

l wanna tell you, he knows some uninformed human beings.

All right, all right, all right, who's going:

l'm saying, who's going:

Hey, Ralph, if you're out there this is a bad joke,

l'll give you 30 seconds to find out how much l don't enjoy:

Greetings, Fonzie.

Remember me? Mork from Ork?

You once called me the ''nutso from outer space.''

l think l must be dreaming or something like that, you know?

l mean-- Of course l'm dreaming. That's why Mary never heard of me.

Sorry, real thing. l had to zap your mind to make you forget.

Didn't want you to go bozo city.

l think l wanna wake up now.

Strange custom.

lt doesn't give me pleasure.

- Don't be afraid. l mean you no harm. - Yeah, right. No, l'm not afraid.

Oh, snacks.

- l want to be your friend. - Yeah.

Okay, look, l'm real sorry, you know?

l mean, as much as l'd like to invite you in

to have a little small talk and everything,

l got so many things to do, you know, like give Richie a message from Mary

and clean the bugs off my headlights, stuff like that, you know what l mean?

Hello.

l come for very important information.

When l was here before,

l observed an Earth ritual that l could not comprehend.

lt drove me shazbot.

Yeah, don't get unravel-- Hey, let's not get unravelled here. Right.

Let's talk about it.

What is this particular ritual that made you sizbah?

Men dating women.

Well, l think you came to the right place.

What is it you wanna know?

Oh, thanks a lot.

Why a man dates a woman?

Don't men date women on your planet?

Hard to tell, parts are interchangeable.

l don't know how you guys got so far advanced,

you know, l mean, there's no incentive.

Look, right off the bat let me tell you something.

lt's very difficult to talk to you like this, huh?

Don't sit that close.

All right, now, are you telling me

that men don't kiss women on your planet?

Kiss? l don't know what that means. Nice word, has a pleasant ring to it.

Kiss, kiss, kiss. Can you hear the ring?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, look, all right, a kiss, very affectionate, you understand?

You got a boy and you got a girl and they put their lips together,

you see, and they kind of slide them around.

And it feels great.

Sliding lips sounds unappealing.

Don't knock it till you tried it.

All right, now, look, you got to meet a girl, get to know her,

find out if she's willing or not.

Do you know a girl who's willing?

l know some girls that are willing and able.

And l know some that are not willing

and you're able to convince them, yeah.

Can you introduce me to one of the convincing ones?

lt's going to be very hard.

- But l-- - Don't touch me.

Perhaps you'd like to slide lips, then.

Hey.

But you see, l need your help.

You're known through this universe for your expertise in the field.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, right.

All right. All right. l'm gonna try to find you a date.

Hey.

You just gotta do me a favour.

Go up to Richie's room and get on some of his clothes

so at least you look normal, huh?

You think? My clothes do need time warping.

Yeah.

- But first... - What?

What is Richie's room?

Oh, yeah, you can't miss it,

lots of stripes and checks and penny loafers.

- Oh, penny loafers. - Yeah. Hey, take this with you.

But first, l remember Richie now.

He needs a lot of work. Good thing he didn't land at Potsie's house.

All right, now, who am l going to fix him up with?

Gloria Afnee?

No, l don't want to put her in a tizzy right away.

The Hooper triplets? Now there's a six pack to go.

No, l don't wanna put him in a tizzy right away.

Hey.

Same to you, buddy.

What's this guy Mork look like? ls he tall, dark and handsome?

Yeah, you know what he is, he's a foreigner...

Oh, l don't like foreigners, they talk funny.

- Where's he from? - Ork.

Sounds like a nice country.

Yeah, hey, Laverne, listen,

l just wanna spend a little time with him alone, you understand?

So that l can brief him on American customs,

you understand. Why don't you wait in your car?

My car broke, l took a bus.

Hey, l'll fix your car, why don't you wait on the bus?

- All right? Thanks very much. - l'll give you two minutes.

Where is she? lf she's here, she must be tiny.

l wanna get a few things straight with you, all right?

Number one, what-- What are you doing?

Straightening things out, l start with my legs, then go to my arms.

l'd do my neck except l'd cut off the blood, l'd probably die.

Will you stop that? l wanna talk to you about kissing again, all right?

l've been meaning to ask you about that.

l want to know why l would want to do it.

Physical pleasure.

Don't you do anything on your planet that includes physical pleasure?

Oh, yes.

There's one thing and it's against the law and l can't tell you.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

We're having a man to man talk here, or whatever.

Tell me.

- All right. - Yeah.

When a woman touches a man here:

lt drives me shazbot.

Let me get this straight.

You're telling me if somebody touches you here:

What's next?

Well, it only happened to me once.

This shazbot came over me and l couldn't control myself, l...

Well, l became a beast

and l jerked her earlobe.

l couldn't help it, you understand?

Oh, no.

l honestly regret it.

- l want you back. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, l'd regret it myself.

l understand. l understand.

Fonzie.

Your two minutes are up.

So you must be Morky.

l'm Laverne, pleased.

l too am pleased. Na-no, na-no, na-no, na-no.

- Na-no, na-no? Na-no, na-no? - Yeah, well, l got to go now because--

What is na-no, na-no?

Two's company, three's a crowd, know what l mean?

Oh, Earth humour.

Fonz, did you fix me up with another jerk?

Oh, jerk.

That jerk good?

Oh, yes, yes. That was a fine jerk.

- Fonz. - All right, look--

l washed my hair for this, l ironed my skirt.

He doesn't know our customs, just give him a break, all right?

Yeah.

Okay. But tell him not to jerk, it makes me nervous.

All right. Don't jerk, what are you, nutso?

All right, look, if you get in a situation and you don't know what to do,

just follow what Laverne does, because she knows the ropes.

- All right? - l know the ropes too.

l can tie a square hitch, a sheep shank, many, many more.

You're not going for a merit badge here.

Sheep shank.

All right, listen, you two, knock your socks off.

Boy, that Fonzie, huh?

So, Morky.

l'm not real good in geography., This Ork place, where is that?

Off Greece?

No, we Orkans have been off grease for at least five bleams.

Now, for lubricants we use... or the ever popular:

Of course.

l don't understand why we don't use:

Probably your engines couldn't handle it.

They'd overload and pollute the atmosphere,

or destroy the universe as you know it.

Yeah, that makes sense.

ls it time to flatter you?

Sure.

You have a lovely fungus growing out of your head.

Fungus? What fungus? What?

Fungus, or any major group of fungi,

including mushrooms, mould or mildew.

Yeah, well, l always wear mildew when l want to impress a guy.

What did Fonzie do to me?

l'm impressed. ls it time to kiss yet?

l don't think so, no.

l'm sorry, l'm new at this dating ritual. What's the next step?

Well, why don't you just sit down on the couch, huh?

Oh, boy, would you look at that!

What?

Look at what?

Nothing. lt's gone now.

Oh, you sit Fonz-like. l must adjust and copy.

Get over there.

You making fun of me? l don't like it when guys make fun of me.

lf you keep making fun of me l'm gonna give you a fat lip.

Fat lip? Oh, no, rejection.

l merely wanted to experience the dating process.

Failure. Oh, no, return to hatchling state.

Mork, l'm real sorry, l mean, l didn't mean to reject you.

Don't suck your finger, your teeth will end up like mine.

Oh, hey, come on, come on, come on.

Hey, hey, hey. l really would like to be your friend.

No, maintain, maintain, maintain.

- What happened? - You touched me.

Why, l went like this--

No, no:

What? What? What?

Now, give me your ear lobe.

- My what? - Your ear lobe, delicious one.

l think you're getting off on the wrong foot, buddy.

Oh, wrong foot, sorry.

Stay there. Don't you come near me.

l liked you better as a baby.

Stop it!

Fonz, Fonz, he wants my ear lobe!

Fonzie!

l think she likes me.

Oh, her lobes. l just wanted to tweak them.

Oh, now, Mork, that's what got you into trouble the last time.

Alas, my lady, you deal me pain. 'Tis justified and l shall repent.

Oh, come on.

Hey, where did you get that voice?

From yon video, 'twas Shakespeare, methinks, or 'twas the Jeffersons.

Well, that voice is normal, if you forget the ''twas'' and the ''twits''.

l'll ''twy.''

Here.

Read this, just turn to any page.

''Her fingers trembled as she undid her blouse

and let it fall to the--''

Another page.

''His nostrils flared, her nostrils flared, everything flared.''

l don't know why this book is overdue.

Here, just turn to any page.

'''My shorts,' cried the senator, as he ran from the room...''

That's it.

That's it, Mork, we've made a breakthrough.

A break--?

Yes, your voice, we found a voice for you.

- A breakthrough! - Yeah.

- Your voice. - Sorry.

l've learned a lot of things since last night. Let me examine them.

Number one, this phoney voice.

You shouldn't use the other one.

At least don't use it around other people.

Number two, don't drink with my finger.

Number three, don't sit on my face.

Oh, and you forgot the fourth thing and it's the most important.

Don't tell my father we're living together.

l don't understand. He doesn't know you're living?

lt's not the ''living'', it's the ''together'' he wouldn't understand.

- No, l wouldn't. - Dad.

Greetings, Mr. McConnell.

Don't you ''greetings'' me. l wanted to believe you today,

l came over here hoping l wouldn't find what l found.

You came over here to check up on me?

l came over here to prove to myself that my daughter hadn't lied to me

and that she wasn't living with a man.

Dad, it's not like that--

lnstead l proved to myself that my little girl

isn't my little girl any longer.

But, Dad. Dad.

Goodbye, thanks for dropping over.

You all right, Fred?

What, l seen your lights on, you should have been closed hours ago.

Tilwick, my old friend.

Come over here and help me celebrate.

l've been saving this bottle of champagne since 1 967

for my daughter's wedding.

Oh, l wanted it to be so special, l was gonna have tuxedos and flowers

and a little band that l just might conduct myself.

lt was gonna be real classy.

Here, you'll have to drink from the bottle.

- lt's empty. - Then suck the cork.

- What's wrong here, Fred? - A toast.

A toast, a toast to the old days,

when values were values and morals were morals.

l remember when sharing a pad meant borrowing a notebook.

What are you talking about?

My daughter,

my daughter

is living with a man.

Mindy? Oh, come on, that can't be.

lt's true, it's true, she's a loose woman

and l don't know how to tighten her.

Well, l don't believe it, that's not the Mindy l know.

All l know is l've done all l can, l can't do anything else.

Well, there's something l can do.

- What? - l'm a cop, l represent law and order.

But he hasn't done anything illegal.

Listen, you don't get the idea. Now, l'll just whip over there

and l'll just scare the daylights out of him, you know.

''Hit the road, hamburger.'' Like that.

You'd do that for me?

Sure, first thing in the morning when l get off duty.

- Really? - Sure.

Hello?

Hello, anybody in there?

Little hatchling brothers, revolt against your oppressors,

you have nothing to lose but your shells.

As much as l like Mindy,

it's against intergalactic law to eat fellow space travellers.

Fly, be free.

Well, l guess we'll have to have a quick burial at sea, then.

l'll notify your next of kin.

Your brother bit the big one.

What's the matter, have you no emotions? Are you hard boiled?

l see, the cold machine placed you in a state of suspended animation.

l'll put you over here to warm up

and when you revive you'll be free to fly.

You people really are short, you know that, don't you?

Smoky.

- Hi, l'm Mork. - Now, listen, kid.

l don't belong to your fraternity,

so watch it with them secret handshakes.

- ls Mindy McConnell here? - No, she's at a place she calls work.

A strange concept, but she enjoys it.

- l suppose you don't like work. - l don't know, never tried it.

l see, so you just sponge off Mindy.

Oh, no, we've never taken a bath together.

No, no, l mean, you live off her.

Listen, l've met your type before

and you're just about the lowest form of life there is.

Well, you better check up on your biology then.

The lowest form of life is the Gasz Bosch,

or the ever common hibengie.

Now, don't give me none of that intellectual mumbo jumbo.

l'm a good friend of the McConnell's and l don't wanna see Mindy hurt.

- Mindy hurt? l'd never allow it. - Then l want you to take off.

Take off? l just landed.

Now, listen here, buster,

l can make a lot of trouble for you. You see this here uniform?

lt is a uniform. l didn't wanna make mention of it.

Are you a member of space patrol?

Are you putting me on?

Putting you on? You're not even hollow.

Yeah, right.

Did Orson send you to help me with my friends the eggs?

Right.

What did l do?

Nimnul, didn't you see him coming?

How can l help you if you won't even help yourselves?

Why are you looking at me like that? Am l in trouble?

Fred, l got to talk to you.

Did you scare him off?

Well, he won't be bothering Mindy anymore,

but l didn't scare him off.

Well, what?

You what?

But l just wanted you to get rid of him, not that.

Well, l had to.

l didn't want to, but l had to do my duty.

Do you think l enjoyed it?

This is about Mork, isn't it? What have you done?

Well, l just went up there to scare the little fellow, it's not my job,

but when l seen him, l knew l had to do my duty.

As much as l hate it.

What was your duty?

Well, l know he's a friend of yours, but that guy is bonkers.

So l had to take him in.

They're gonna have a sanity hearing tomorrow

and l'm afraid they're gonna put your friend away.

Daddy, how could you?

Tilwick, how could you?

Well, the court is well aware of your qualifications

as a psychiatrist, Dr. Litney.

Now, you examined the defendant?

Yesterday. And l may say--

Stop everything.

Mork, l'm sorry we're late,

but they wouldn't tell us where the meeting was held.

Young lady, cases of this kind

are not supposed to be public spectacles.

But we're here as character witnesses for the defendant,

although, personally, l never really liked him.

Your Honour, my name is Mindy McConnell and this is my father.

l wanna go on record as saying

that Mork has the right to have a lawyer.

l'll not permit him to be on trial without counsel.

l'm his lawyer. The court appointed me.

Young lady, this is an informal situation,

but l assure you, no one is trying to railroad anyone.

May l ask just one little question?

Oh, why not?

The question is...

Mork is innocent.

True, he is different from most but this great country

was built on the rights of individuals to be individuals.

And we have the God-given right to be eccentric

and, therefore, l demand, that Mork be exonerated and set free.

l suggest you sit down,

we're hearing the testimony of Dr. Litney.

Oh, l'm sorry.

She's sorry.

Dr. Litney, if we may continue?

What was your conclusion after examining the defendant?

Your Honour, my conclusions are,

that the patient is extremely childlike and incapable of learning.

He has also exhibited marked anti-social behaviour.

Therefore it is my opinion that the defendant

is incompetent to function in society.

- No more questions. - No questions.

But you have to ask questions.

Mork, don't let them do this to you, you don't know what it means.

l have a vague idea.

l saw a rerun of Perry Mason last night and lnherit the Wind.

Since there are no more witnesses--

Your Honour, l salute you, na-no, na-no.

Your Honour, in your law, is it true that l have a right to speak for myself?

Well, yes.

Dr. Litney,

you don't like me, do you?

Your Honour, l have never been interrogated by a patient before.

Then how do you know l'm doing it now?

You said l exhibited anti-social behaviour.

Why?

Well, you wouldn't tell me where you were from.

- And you neither. - That's not my job.

lt's not mine either. We're even.

Now, about these tests you ran that made you hate me.

Your Honour, l don't hate this man, but yesterday during one of my tests,

he tried to put a square peg into a round hole.

But l did it, Your Honour.

He did, he did. l don't know how he did it,

but l can't get the peg out now and it ruined a perfectly good board.

And that's why you dislike me, Dr. Litney, l can sense that.

Your Honour, l don't have time for this, really.

The time, excuse me, it's 1 0:36 exactly.

You see, Your Honour, he's wearing a wristwatch on his ankle.

No, Your Honour, l'm wearing an ankle-watch on my ankle.

lf l was wearing an ankle-watch on my wrist, then l'd be crazy.

Your Honour, you see he's a wiseacre.

And you don't like wiseacres, do you, Dr. Litney?

No, l don't.

And that's why you're prejudiced against me.

l didn't say that.

You see how he's cleverly twisting my words, Your Honour?

So you're calling me clever now, Dr. Litney.

lsn't that another word for intelligent?

So you see, Your Honour, doesn't this case hinge on my ability to learn?

Yes, it does, Your Honour.

And by the way, he flunked his word association test outright yesterday.

That's the test where l give him words like--

- White. - Black.

- Tall. - Short.

- Sky. Sex. - Birds. Pamela.

You said you'd never tell.

Never tell, never tell. You promised.

Now, you've ruined everything.

Pamela, you and Litney? l thought we were--

l have a patient to take care of in a short while, if you'll excuse me.

He's not going to leave here without me.

- Pamela! - Pamela!

Your Honour.

Your Honour, the defence rests.

While it's true that the defendant

may add a new dimension to the word eccentric,

there is no law against that.

And since it appears he's no danger to himself or society

and we no longer have a prosecutor or a witness,

or anyone to write this down,

case dismissed.

We won. We won. You won.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson. Come in, Orson.

Come in, Laser Breath.

Watch it, Mork, l'm only 60 million light years away.

Just tell me what you've learned about Earth.

Oh, l've learned a lot. So much it's hard to comprehend.

lt seems that everyone on this planet

is an individual and not only that, they are proud of it.

Amazing, if everyone's different, how can a society function?

Not very well.

They almost locked me up, because they thought my mind was imperfect.

lntelligent life.

Orson,

something very strange happened that really confuses me.

l met this Earth girl and her biological father

and at my hearing, they came to my defence, especially the girl.

She defied the system to protect me.

Why would she do such a thing?

l don't know.

Must have something to do with emotions.

lnvestigate the phenomenon closely.

lt's interesting behaviour, even if it is irrational.

Yes, it is.

Orson, this may sound strange,

but knowing that someone would do that for me,

well, it makes me feel really good inside.

Just remember, Mork,

you're sent there to observe, not to get involved.

Yes, Your lmmenseness.

This is Mork, signing off from Boulder, Colorado,

until next week, na-nu, na-nu.