All language subtitles for 01.Пилотная серия

Boy, am l in for it now.
Sent before the white desk again.

But what did l do?

The solar lander, you fool.
You painted a moustache on it.

But Orson doesn't know l did it.

Then why am l here?

lf l knew that,
l wouldn't be talking to myself.

- Mork.
- Good morning, Orson.

Orson?

You call me Orson to my face,

but behind my back
you call me Fatso,

Rocketship Thighs
and Star Tush.

You forgot Laser Breath.

- Sorry, Your lmmenseness.
- See what l mean?

These constant displays of humour

are not acceptable behaviour
here on Ork.

You're right. We are rather a dull lot.
The white bread of the universe.

Emotions have been weeded out of us
for the good of the race.

And you constantly make jokes.
l'm afraid that won't do.

There is an insignificant planet
on the far side of the galaxy.

From the fragmented reports
we have on it, the people are, well...

- Real nimnuls?
- Exactly.

That's why l think
you'll fit in there, Mork.

You're too kind, sir.

What is the name of this hellhole
you're sending me to?

Earth.

Earth. l was on Earth
three bleams ago.

l was sent there by a Biology class
to collect a specimen.

l had to throw it back though,
too small.

l loved that place.

Well, don't enjoy it too much.
lt's not a vacation.

We want you to learn all we can
about primitive societies.

Your mission is to report
back to me, mentally,

about the things you learn there.

And remember,
this is a serious mission.

You can count on me, Orson.

D, D and E.
Dedicated, diligent and efficient.

- l love this spot.
- lt's beautiful.

You know the reason
l enjoy taking you out

is you don't put pressure on me.

You don't force me into playing
that virile stud macho role, you know?

Only one suitcase?
You lost half my luggage.

You nimnuls.

- Oh, Mindy.
- Stop it!

Don't you ever do that again.
Not even if my blouse is on fire.

l can't believe you.

Three dates and you think
you can attack me

like a Thanksgiving turkey?

Oh, l love it when you talk dirty.

Will you cut it out?

Now, look, you know, l liked you
a lot better when you were ineffectual.

l don't even think
l like you at all after tonight.

Good point.
l think l should take you home.

Because l respect you.

Well, l'll drive, to make sure we get
to our respective homes,

still respecting each other.

lf that's the way you feel about it,
why don't you just walk home?

lf that's the way you want it,
l'll be happy to walk home.

Hey, wait a minute. That's my car.

Father.

What are you doing out here?

This is where l was dropped off.

Oh, yeah?
Well, l got dropped off too.

You don't know what happened to me,
he just took my car.

Well, l'm glad to have someone
l can trust to walk into town with.

l mean, this isn't
a confession or anything,

but l only had three crummy dates
with the guy

and he takes my car
and makes me walk.

Very interesting.
Mind if l take notes?

l mean, l don't know
where he gets off...

Well, here it is.

Oh, thanks a lot
for walking me home, Father.

l'm afraid l hardly gave you
a chance to talk,

but l was just so mad,
you know what l mean?

Nap, nap, my pleasure.
l was sent here to learn, you know.

Well, if there's anything
l can do for you...

Oh, if it's not too precious,
a glass of water

and if it is, a quart of oil will suffice.

l think l can spring for the water.

Spring water, humour.

Better yet, how about ice tea?

Oh, when on Earth,
do as the Earthlings.

How are they treating you?

Do you talk to your plants too?

Oh, yes, they're good listeners,
especially the old ones.

Yeah, l talk to my plants all the time.

lt keeps them young,
it keeps them healthy.

Your suit's on backwards.

lt is? Boy, do l feel like a clone.

You're not a priest. Who are you?

l am Mork from Ork. Na-no, na-no.

- Ork?
- Yes. You see, Ork is a planet.

You follow the Big Dipper
till it comes to a dead end,

then you hang an up.

- An up?
- Up, down.

Hard to tell out in hyper space.

Oh, right.

l have a poor sense
of direction myself.

- So you're from outer space?
- Yes.

Mind if l take a few pictures

for the folks on the home planet?
They'd like to get some postcards.

- No.
- Okay, watch the flukie.

- How did you do that?
- With my instamatic glove.

Some models starting
under 30 thribets.

Oh, mind if l do?

The pause that refreshes.

You drank that with your finger.

- Yes, how do you drink?
- With my mouth.

Well, how do you talk and drink
at the same time? Must be drool city.

Now, look, whoever you are.
Now, you can't scare me.

Now, there's no such thing
as a man from outer space.

l don't know how you did those tricks,
but you just better keep your distance,

or you're gonna hear me scream like
you've never heard anybody scream.

l've never heard anyone scream.

ls that your way of saying thanks?

Help has already arrived, so you just
stay cool, space man, or else--

lt's for you.

My lost luggage.

Spiffy new-new because
my casual clothes are in there.

Take a hike, scrim, scrim.

Oh, l forgot. Sorry. Here we go.

Keep the change.

You really are from out there.

No, actually, l'm from out there.

You see, out there
is not a nice neighbourhood,

l wouldn't go there
during a total eclipse.

An alien.

- You're not gonna hurt me, are you?
- Hurt you?

No, damaging other life forms
is unthinkable to us.

l wouldn't harm a harf
on your cholly-cho-cho.

lt occurs to me we have not
been formally introduced.

A formal introduction is at hand.

Get down.

l am Mork from Ork, na-no, na-no?

l'm Mindy McConnell.

l like a being with a firm ribbit.

Shows character, at least evolution.

Oh, thank you. How do you say
''thank you'' in your language?

We spit.

- Mind if l don't say thank you?
- No sweat off my front.

l just can't believe this.

l'm standing here talking to an alien.

Do you realize
the historic sweep of this?

- l mean, the world will be astounded.
- No, nap, nap.

You see, my mission
is to observe Earth

and the only way l can do
that is by being one of you.

A face in the crowd,
which is easy because l fit right in.

Not really.

- No?
- No.

- You sure?
- Oh, l'm sure.

l'll tell you what.

Now, l'm as interested in you
and your planet as you are about us,

so how about,
l can teach you how to act Earthling

if you teach me more about Ork.

- ls that a deal?
- A fair exchange.

Let's formally close the deal.

Mind if l just spit?

lt's your house.

l will be staying here, won't l?

l mean, l've heard so much
about your Earthling hospitality.

Oh, well, you can temporarily.

Oh, but if my father finds out.

Father?
On Earth, you have natural parents.

You see, l am a test-tube baby.

- Really?
- Yes.

My father was an eye dropper,
the scum.

Why would you say that?

Well, he ran away and left mom,
he ran off with a bottle of nose drops.

Can't blame him though,
she had those tight labels.

Oh, come on.

Oh, come on, please, hey, stop!

Stop.

lt's too early in the morning
for duelling Beethoven.

lt's the only music
l can challenge him with, dear.

He won't play anything
by Alice Cooper.

That's because l play piano.

Alice Cooper just beats on the keys
with a dead snake.

But at least he shows feeling.

- Are you two gonna start this again?
- l am a musician.

l sell violins and l sell cellos,
they're classics.

That's food for the spirit
and a feast for the soul.

While you peddle junk food.

Frederick.

lf you were in heaven and God said:

''l will give you a choice,
you can be born with brains,

or you can be born
with a permanent rash on your fanny.''

Now, which would you choose?

- The brains.
- Good.

l see you learned by your mistake.

Mother-in-laws
are the curse of marriage.

Oh, Daddy,
you know she loves to tease you.

- lt's what keeps her young.
- Yes, but it's making me old.

Mindy, isn't that your second cup
of coffee?

lt's my fourth.

But you don't drink coffee.

Why are you all of a sudden
drinking gallons of coffee?

Unless you stayed up late.

You're right, this must be
my first cup of coffee.

- Mindy.
- Dad, l was up late last night.

Dad, l met the most
fascinating person.

l was up half the night
talking to him.

Him? Half the night?

Dad, l'm 21 .

Oh, honey, l know, l know.

lt's just that l'll always think
of you as my little girl.

l know you will.

Mindy, look who l found wandering
the streets looking for you.

Correction, munchkin-like person,

l wasn't wandering,
l was trying to explore your world.

He's new in town, Eugene.

Mork, l'll be happy
to show you around after work.

- Work?
- Yes, people have to work for a living.

What a novel concept.

Mindy, who's your beatnik friend?

Oh, Daddy, this is Mork.
Mork, this is Mr. McConnell.

Mork, he's my father.

What an interesting position
to be in.

l tip my tripla to you, sir,
doo-da, doo-da.

Well, l guess it's time
for my violin lessons.

Thank you for taking me
to your leader. Sizbah!

Hey, l'd like to see you again,
where can l find you?

l'll be up at Mindy's place.
Come by any time.

- Hang tough, man.
- What it was, my main man.

- You'll be at Mindy's place?
- Yes, we're living together.

Catch you later, Jack,
on the rebound clown.

Your mama.

Living together?

That's not what it seems.

Your grandmother's
the one with the hearing problem.

l distinctly heard him say
''you were living together.''

Well, Mork-- Mork is a practical joker.
Oh, you heard his voice, right?

And with a name like Mork
you'd be a practical joker, too, right?

Oh, then he's not staying in your...

And he's not sleeping in your...

No one is sleeping in my...

And no one is sleeping there either.

A pie in the face.

How do you Earthlings think
of something so original, so unique?

Mork, you and l have got
to have a talk,

so you might as well sit down
and make yourself comfortable.

Don't mind if l do.

Now, Mork,
today, you did a bad thing.

You told my father
we're living together.

Now, l know you didn't mean
to do any harm and it's all--

- What are you doing?
- You said to make myself comfortable.

Mork, can you take
a little constructive criticism?

Of course.

lt's not nice to sit on your face.

Then why did God put it there?

Oh, boy, l'll tell you,

l can tell teaching you to be Earthling
is not gonna be easy.

Now, if you wanna pass
for one of us,

the first thing we'll have to do,

is we'll have to work on your voice.

Your voice is, it's not right.

Well, how about this one?

You say another word,
l'll blow your lips into the sink.

That was not quite you.

Or this one? Hey, Ralphie boy.
Norton. To the moon, Norton.

Or this one:

On the good ship lollipop

How did you learn those voices?

We've been monitoring your TV
for years.

My favourite is Lucy,
you can't do the show.

Ricky.

Oh, boy, l can tell
this isn't gonna be easy.

Oh, Mork, you just don't understand
the problems you present.

l realize l do cause trouble.
Heavy sigh.

The last time l was here
l caused a big problem too.

You were on Earth before?

About 20 bleams ago,
l was here to visit my friend, The Fonz.

Do you know him? Hey.

- Are you interested?
- Oh, yeah, definitely.

Then l'll take you back,
prepare time-warp sequence.

Yo, Cunningham residence.

No, Richie ain't here right now.

Well, because he
and his family went off

on a little vacation jaunt, you know.

Hey, you sound very adorable.
What's your name?

Mary, how are you?
Arthur Fonzarelli here, house-sitter.

You never heard of me?

What are you, new in town
or are you just back from lunch?

Yes, Mary,
l will tell Richie that you called.

Yes. Bye-bye, Mary.

l wanna tell you, he knows
some uninformed human beings.

All right, all right, all right,
who's going:

l'm saying, who's going:

Hey, Ralph, if you're out there
this is a bad joke,

l'll give you 30 seconds to find out
how much l don't enjoy:

Greetings, Fonzie.

Remember me? Mork from Ork?

You once called me
the ''nutso from outer space.''

l think l must be dreaming
or something like that, you know?

l mean-- Of course l'm dreaming.
That's why Mary never heard of me.

Sorry, real thing. l had to zap
your mind to make you forget.

Didn't want you to go bozo city.

l think l wanna wake up now.

Strange custom.

lt doesn't give me pleasure.

- Don't be afraid. l mean you no harm.
- Yeah, right. No, l'm not afraid.

Oh, snacks.

- l want to be your friend.
- Yeah.

Okay, look,
l'm real sorry, you know?

l mean,
as much as l'd like to invite you in

to have a little small talk
and everything,

l got so many things to do, you know,
like give Richie a message from Mary

and clean the bugs off my headlights,
stuff like that, you know what l mean?

Hello.

l come for very
important information.

When l was here before,

l observed an Earth ritual
that l could not comprehend.

lt drove me shazbot.

Yeah, don't get unravel-- Hey,
let's not get unravelled here. Right.

Let's talk about it.

What is this particular ritual
that made you sizbah?

Men dating women.

Well, l think you came
to the right place.

What is it you wanna know?

Oh, thanks a lot.

Why a man dates a woman?

Don't men date women
on your planet?

Hard to tell,
parts are interchangeable.

l don't know how you guys
got so far advanced,

you know,
l mean, there's no incentive.

Look, right off the bat
let me tell you something.

lt's very difficult to talk
to you like this, huh?

Don't sit that close.

All right, now, are you telling me

that men don't kiss women
on your planet?

Kiss? l don't know what that means.
Nice word, has a pleasant ring to it.

Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Can you hear the ring?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, look, all right, a kiss,
very affectionate, you understand?

You got a boy and you got a girl
and they put their lips together,

you see, and they kind
of slide them around.

And it feels great.

Sliding lips sounds unappealing.

Don't knock it till you tried it.

All right, now, look, you got
to meet a girl, get to know her,

find out if she's willing or not.

Do you know a girl who's willing?

l know some girls
that are willing and able.

And l know some that are not willing

and you're able
to convince them, yeah.

Can you introduce me to one
of the convincing ones?

lt's going to be very hard.

- But l--
- Don't touch me.

Perhaps you'd like to slide lips, then.

Hey.

But you see, l need your help.

You're known through this universe
for your expertise in the field.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, right.

All right. All right.
l'm gonna try to find you a date.

Hey.

You just gotta do me a favour.

Go up to Richie's room
and get on some of his clothes

so at least you look normal, huh?

You think?
My clothes do need time warping.

Yeah.

- But first...
- What?

What is Richie's room?

Oh, yeah, you can't miss it,

lots of stripes
and checks and penny loafers.

- Oh, penny loafers.
- Yeah. Hey, take this with you.

But first, l remember Richie now.

He needs a lot of work. Good thing
he didn't land at Potsie's house.

All right, now, who am l going
to fix him up with?

Gloria Afnee?

No, l don't want to put her
in a tizzy right away.

The Hooper triplets?
Now there's a six pack to go.

No, l don't wanna put him
in a tizzy right away.

Hey.

Same to you, buddy.

What's this guy Mork look like?
ls he tall, dark and handsome?

Yeah, you know what he is,
he's a foreigner...

Oh, l don't like foreigners,
they talk funny.

- Where's he from?
- Ork.

Sounds like a nice country.

Yeah, hey, Laverne, listen,

l just wanna spend a little time
with him alone, you understand?

So that l can brief him
on American customs,

you understand.
Why don't you wait in your car?

My car broke, l took a bus.

Hey, l'll fix your car,
why don't you wait on the bus?

- All right? Thanks very much.
- l'll give you two minutes.

Where is she?
lf she's here, she must be tiny.

l wanna get a few things straight
with you, all right?

Number one, what--
What are you doing?

Straightening things out, l start
with my legs, then go to my arms.

l'd do my neck except
l'd cut off the blood, l'd probably die.

Will you stop that? l wanna talk to you
about kissing again, all right?

l've been meaning
to ask you about that.

l want to know
why l would want to do it.

Physical pleasure.

Don't you do anything on your planet
that includes physical pleasure?

Oh, yes.

There's one thing and it's against
the law and l can't tell you.

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

We're having a man
to man talk here, or whatever.

Tell me.

- All right.
- Yeah.

When a woman
touches a man here:

lt drives me shazbot.

Let me get this straight.

You're telling me
if somebody touches you here:

What's next?

Well, it only happened to me once.

This shazbot came over me
and l couldn't control myself, l...

Well, l became a beast

and l jerked her earlobe.

l couldn't help it, you understand?

Oh, no.

l honestly regret it.

- l want you back.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, l'd regret it myself.

l understand. l understand.

Fonzie.

Your two minutes are up.

So you must be Morky.

l'm Laverne, pleased.

l too am pleased.
Na-no, na-no, na-no, na-no.

- Na-no, na-no? Na-no, na-no?
- Yeah, well, l got to go now because--

What is na-no, na-no?

Two's company, three's a crowd,
know what l mean?

Oh, Earth humour.

Fonz, did you fix me up
with another jerk?

Oh, jerk.

That jerk good?

Oh, yes, yes. That was a fine jerk.

- Fonz.
- All right, look--

l washed my hair for this,
l ironed my skirt.

He doesn't know our customs,
just give him a break, all right?

Yeah.

Okay. But tell him not to jerk,
it makes me nervous.

All right.
Don't jerk, what are you, nutso?

All right, look, if you get in a situation
and you don't know what to do,

just follow what Laverne does,
because she knows the ropes.

- All right?
- l know the ropes too.

l can tie a square hitch,
a sheep shank, many, many more.

You're not going
for a merit badge here.

Sheep shank.

All right, listen, you two,
knock your socks off.

Boy, that Fonzie, huh?

So, Morky.

l'm not real good in geography.,
This Ork place, where is that?

Off Greece?

No, we Orkans have been off grease
for at least five bleams.

Now, for lubricants we use...
or the ever popular:

Of course.

l don't understand
why we don't use:

Probably your engines
couldn't handle it.

They'd overload
and pollute the atmosphere,

or destroy the universe
as you know it.

Yeah, that makes sense.

ls it time to flatter you?

Sure.

You have a lovely fungus
growing out of your head.

Fungus? What fungus? What?

Fungus, or any major group of fungi,

including mushrooms,
mould or mildew.

Yeah, well, l always wear mildew
when l want to impress a guy.

What did Fonzie do to me?

l'm impressed. ls it time to kiss yet?

l don't think so, no.

l'm sorry, l'm new at this dating ritual.
What's the next step?

Well, why don't you just sit down
on the couch, huh?

Oh, boy, would you look at that!

What?

Look at what?

Nothing. lt's gone now.

Oh, you sit Fonz-like.
l must adjust and copy.

Get over there.

You making fun of me? l don't like it
when guys make fun of me.

lf you keep making fun of me
l'm gonna give you a fat lip.

Fat lip? Oh, no, rejection.

l merely wanted to experience
the dating process.

Failure.
Oh, no, return to hatchling state.

Mork, l'm real sorry,
l mean, l didn't mean to reject you.

Don't suck your finger,
your teeth will end up like mine.

Oh, hey, come on,
come on, come on.

Hey, hey, hey. l really would like
to be your friend.

No, maintain, maintain, maintain.

- What happened?
- You touched me.

Why, l went like this--

No, no:

What? What? What?

Now, give me your ear lobe.

- My what?
- Your ear lobe, delicious one.

l think you're getting off
on the wrong foot, buddy.

Oh, wrong foot, sorry.

Stay there.
Don't you come near me.

l liked you better as a baby.

Stop it!

Fonz, Fonz, he wants my ear lobe!

Fonzie!

l think she likes me.

Oh, her lobes.
l just wanted to tweak them.

Oh, now, Mork, that's what got you
into trouble the last time.

Alas, my lady, you deal me pain.
'Tis justified and l shall repent.

Oh, come on.

Hey, where did you get that voice?

From yon video, 'twas Shakespeare,
methinks, or 'twas the Jeffersons.

Well, that voice is normal,
if you forget the ''twas'' and the ''twits''.

l'll ''twy.''

Here.

Read this, just turn to any page.

''Her fingers trembled
as she undid her blouse

and let it fall to the--''

Another page.

''His nostrils flared,
her nostrils flared, everything flared.''

l don't know
why this book is overdue.

Here, just turn to any page.

'''My shorts,' cried the senator,
as he ran from the room...''

That's it.

That's it, Mork,
we've made a breakthrough.

A break--?

Yes, your voice,
we found a voice for you.

- A breakthrough!
- Yeah.

- Your voice.
- Sorry.

l've learned a lot of things since
last night. Let me examine them.

Number one, this phoney voice.

You shouldn't use the other one.

At least don't use it
around other people.

Number two,
don't drink with my finger.

Number three, don't sit on my face.

Oh, and you forgot the fourth thing
and it's the most important.

Don't tell my father
we're living together.

l don't understand.
He doesn't know you're living?

lt's not the ''living'', it's the ''together''
he wouldn't understand.

- No, l wouldn't.
- Dad.

Greetings, Mr. McConnell.

Don't you ''greetings'' me.
l wanted to believe you today,

l came over here hoping
l wouldn't find what l found.

You came over here
to check up on me?

l came over here to prove to myself
that my daughter hadn't lied to me

and that she wasn't living
with a man.

Dad, it's not like that--

lnstead l proved to myself
that my little girl

isn't my little girl any longer.

But, Dad. Dad.

Goodbye, thanks for dropping over.

You all right, Fred?

What, l seen your lights on, you should
have been closed hours ago.

Tilwick, my old friend.

Come over here
and help me celebrate.

l've been saving this bottle
of champagne since 1 967

for my daughter's wedding.

Oh, l wanted it to be so special,
l was gonna have tuxedos and flowers

and a little band
that l just might conduct myself.

lt was gonna be real classy.

Here, you'll have to drink
from the bottle.

- lt's empty.
- Then suck the cork.

- What's wrong here, Fred?
- A toast.

A toast, a toast to the old days,

when values were values
and morals were morals.

l remember when sharing a pad
meant borrowing a notebook.

What are you talking about?

My daughter,

my daughter

is living with a man.

Mindy? Oh, come on, that can't be.

lt's true, it's true,
she's a loose woman

and l don't know how to tighten her.

Well, l don't believe it,
that's not the Mindy l know.

All l know is l've done all l can,
l can't do anything else.

Well, there's something l can do.

- What?
- l'm a cop, l represent law and order.

But he hasn't done anything illegal.

Listen, you don't get the idea.
Now, l'll just whip over there

and l'll just scare the daylights out
of him, you know.

''Hit the road, hamburger.''
Like that.

You'd do that for me?

Sure, first thing in the morning
when l get off duty.

- Really?
- Sure.

Hello?

Hello, anybody in there?

Little hatchling brothers,
revolt against your oppressors,

you have nothing to lose
but your shells.

As much as l like Mindy,

it's against intergalactic law
to eat fellow space travellers.

Fly, be free.

Well, l guess we'll have
to have a quick burial at sea, then.

l'll notify your next of kin.

Your brother bit the big one.

What's the matter, have you
no emotions? Are you hard boiled?

l see, the cold machine placed you
in a state of suspended animation.

l'll put you over here to warm up

and when you revive
you'll be free to fly.

You people really are short,
you know that, don't you?

Smoky.

- Hi, l'm Mork.
- Now, listen, kid.

l don't belong to your fraternity,

so watch it with them
secret handshakes.

- ls Mindy McConnell here?
- No, she's at a place she calls work.

A strange concept, but she enjoys it.

- l suppose you don't like work.
- l don't know, never tried it.

l see, so you just sponge off Mindy.

Oh, no,
we've never taken a bath together.

No, no, l mean, you live off her.

Listen, l've met your type before

and you're just about the lowest form
of life there is.

Well, you better check up
on your biology then.

The lowest form of life
is the Gasz Bosch,

or the ever common hibengie.

Now, don't give me none
of that intellectual mumbo jumbo.

l'm a good friend of the McConnell's
and l don't wanna see Mindy hurt.

- Mindy hurt? l'd never allow it.
- Then l want you to take off.

Take off? l just landed.

Now, listen here, buster,

l can make a lot of trouble for you.
You see this here uniform?

lt is a uniform.
l didn't wanna make mention of it.

Are you a member of space patrol?

Are you putting me on?

Putting you on?
You're not even hollow.

Yeah, right.

Did Orson send you to help me
with my friends the eggs?

Right.

What did l do?

Nimnul, didn't you see him coming?

How can l help you
if you won't even help yourselves?

Why are you looking at me like that?
Am l in trouble?

Fred, l got to talk to you.

Did you scare him off?

Well, he won't be bothering
Mindy anymore,

but l didn't scare him off.

Well, what?

You what?

But l just wanted you
to get rid of him, not that.

Well, l had to.

l didn't want to,
but l had to do my duty.

Do you think l enjoyed it?

This is about Mork, isn't it?
What have you done?

Well, l just went up there to scare
the little fellow, it's not my job,

but when l seen him,
l knew l had to do my duty.

As much as l hate it.

What was your duty?

Well, l know he's a friend of yours,
but that guy is bonkers.

So l had to take him in.

They're gonna have
a sanity hearing tomorrow

and l'm afraid they're gonna
put your friend away.

Daddy, how could you?

Tilwick, how could you?

Well, the court is well aware
of your qualifications

as a psychiatrist, Dr. Litney.

Now, you examined the defendant?

Yesterday. And l may say--

Stop everything.

Mork, l'm sorry we're late,

but they wouldn't tell us
where the meeting was held.

Young lady, cases of this kind

are not supposed
to be public spectacles.

But we're here as character
witnesses for the defendant,

although, personally,
l never really liked him.

Your Honour, my name is
Mindy McConnell and this is my father.

l wanna go on record as saying

that Mork has the right
to have a lawyer.

l'll not permit him to be
on trial without counsel.

l'm his lawyer.
The court appointed me.

Young lady,
this is an informal situation,

but l assure you,
no one is trying to railroad anyone.

May l ask just one little question?

Oh, why not?

The question is...

Mork is innocent.

True, he is different from most
but this great country

was built on the rights
of individuals to be individuals.

And we have the God-given right
to be eccentric

and, therefore, l demand,
that Mork be exonerated and set free.

l suggest you sit down,

we're hearing the testimony
of Dr. Litney.

Oh, l'm sorry.

She's sorry.

Dr. Litney, if we may continue?

What was your conclusion
after examining the defendant?

Your Honour, my conclusions are,

that the patient is extremely childlike
and incapable of learning.

He has also exhibited
marked anti-social behaviour.

Therefore it is my opinion
that the defendant

is incompetent to function in society.

- No more questions.
- No questions.

But you have to ask questions.

Mork, don't let them do this to you,
you don't know what it means.

l have a vague idea.

l saw a rerun of Perry Mason
last night and lnherit the Wind.

Since there are no more witnesses--

Your Honour,
l salute you, na-no, na-no.

Your Honour, in your law, is it true
that l have a right to speak for myself?

Well, yes.

Dr. Litney,

you don't like me, do you?

Your Honour, l have never been
interrogated by a patient before.

Then how do you know
l'm doing it now?

You said l exhibited
anti-social behaviour.

Why?

Well, you wouldn't tell me
where you were from.

- And you neither.
- That's not my job.

lt's not mine either. We're even.

Now, about these tests
you ran that made you hate me.

Your Honour, l don't hate this man,
but yesterday during one of my tests,

he tried to put a square peg
into a round hole.

But l did it, Your Honour.

He did, he did.
l don't know how he did it,

but l can't get the peg out now and it
ruined a perfectly good board.

And that's why you dislike me,
Dr. Litney, l can sense that.

Your Honour,
l don't have time for this, really.

The time, excuse me,
it's 1 0:36 exactly.

You see, Your Honour, he's wearing
a wristwatch on his ankle.

No, Your Honour, l'm wearing
an ankle-watch on my ankle.

lf l was wearing an ankle-watch
on my wrist, then l'd be crazy.

Your Honour,
you see he's a wiseacre.

And you don't like wiseacres,
do you, Dr. Litney?

No, l don't.

And that's why you're prejudiced
against me.

l didn't say that.

You see how he's cleverly twisting
my words, Your Honour?

So you're calling me clever now,
Dr. Litney.

lsn't that another word
for intelligent?

So you see, Your Honour, doesn't
this case hinge on my ability to learn?

Yes, it does, Your Honour.

And by the way, he flunked his word
association test outright yesterday.

That's the test
where l give him words like--

- White.
- Black.

- Tall.
- Short.

- Sky. Sex.
- Birds. Pamela.

You said you'd never tell.

Never tell, never tell.
You promised.

Now, you've ruined everything.

Pamela, you and Litney?
l thought we were--

l have a patient to take care of
in a short while, if you'll excuse me.

He's not going to leave here
without me.

- Pamela!
- Pamela!

Your Honour.

Your Honour, the defence rests.

While it's true that the defendant

may add a new dimension
to the word eccentric,

there is no law against that.

And since it appears he's no danger
to himself or society

and we no longer
have a prosecutor or a witness,

or anyone to write this down,

case dismissed.

We won. We won. You won.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Come in, Laser Breath.

Watch it, Mork,
l'm only 60 million light years away.

Just tell me what you've learned
about Earth.

Oh, l've learned a lot.
So much it's hard to comprehend.

lt seems that everyone
on this planet

is an individual and not only that,
they are proud of it.

Amazing, if everyone's different,
how can a society function?

Not very well.

They almost locked me up, because
they thought my mind was imperfect.

lntelligent life.

Orson,

something very strange happened
that really confuses me.

l met this Earth girl
and her biological father

and at my hearing, they came
to my defence, especially the girl.

She defied the system
to protect me.

Why would she do such a thing?

l don't know.

Must have something to do
with emotions.

lnvestigate
the phenomenon closely.

lt's interesting behaviour,
even if it is irrational.

Yes, it is.

Orson, this may sound strange,

but knowing that someone
would do that for me,

well, it makes me feel
really good inside.

Just remember, Mork,

you're sent there to observe,
not to get involved.

Yes, Your lmmenseness.

This is Mork, signing off
from Boulder, Colorado,

until next week, na-nu, na-nu.