Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Take that, you robot fucker! I wish I was married. Or at least engaged.

I've just been to see Mummy. Oh?

You're looking at the new Defender of the Faith.

Me, Mrs Queenie number one son,

down talk big ting with boss man in fluffy cloud.

Charles, where are the large vodka glasses?

What the fuck's going on here?

If you'll excuse me, gentlemen.

I've gathered together some of our foremost religious leaders.

Well, now I'm defender of all faiths,

I'm creating a society where every religion is treated equally.

But with me as the head.

Why can't you jus leave thin s alone?

It's not like you've go a reat track record

hen it comes to religion. Remember hen you supported that paedo?

If you're referring to the Bishop of Lewis and Gloucester

I suggest you use his proper title. Sorry.

Paedophile.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello, there.

Ian Drabble, I heard you're widenin our remit vis-a-vis

your new role as defender of all faiths. Yes.

Ell, I'm the Leade of the Hi h rove Villa e branch

of the Church of Satan.

Nd we were wondering, if you'd do us the honou

of officiating at this evenin's black mass.

There'll be informal drinks and light bites afterwards.

It sounds like a very interesting proposition.

Charles, you can't be serious.

Well, they're a recognised church.

Great British scum already thin ou're a crank who spends all. day

ftalking to his daffodils.

If they find out you've officiated at a black mass,

our chance of becoming kin ill be precisely zero.

Nonsense, they'll think I'm a man of principle.

Besides, I hear at these things they often have nuddy ladies.

I accept your offer.

So shall we say six for 6.15?

Morning, your Highness.

Hey, Barry.

Kate, this renovation's ettin out of hand.

£1.4 million.

Nd do we really need to move he tennis court 36 feet?

Ell, perhaps you'd like me o look out the window

and see a tennis cou in my peripheral vision.

No. But it's just... And the children -

what about their peripheral vision?

Of course, I don't want you 0 he children to see a tennis cou

in your peripheral vision. It's "ust so expensive.

But it's our own money.

Yah, and no.

Dad gave it to us and he doesn't pay any corporation tax.

Well, he must pay it on the Duchy of Cornwall, it's a massive business.

Well, you'd think so but, erm, he doesn't.

I see.

So it's really the public's money we're spending.

Hat man who shouted at me he other day was right,

e are just a bunch of money-sucking leeches.

Not at all.

E just need a firmer hand on the inances which is why I'm goin

o supervise the building work hilst you're in London.

But you're not used o dealing with builders.

They're so sharp and cunning.

They'll have you for breakfast.

You're just not that sort of man.

Well, there are plenty of other' n. people who do think I'm a ma

What do you mean by that?

Best be off, Kate.

Do you know where the isolation switch for the wine fridge is?

Er... It's all right, got it.

Can't wait to get onto the slopes.' A whole month away from everything?

Hello, girls.

BOTH: Mummy!

Oh, no luggage?

The airline lost it.

Ell, how does an airline lose 16 suitcases?

32. They lost my luggage as well.

Mummy, why are you dressed like that?

Oh, girls, I've turned the place in to a B&B.

But Daddy bought the chalet for £13 million

so you could live in it.

I know but Daddy's been strugglin since the unpleasantness started.

Ell, I suppose Daddy can't ski anyway.

Not since he lost he ability to sweat.

Mm.

Ell, thanks for comin o be chalet irls.

BOTH: Chalet girls?

Oh, you did get my e-mail, didn't you?

Of course we got your e-mail, Mummy.

We'd be delighted to be chalet girls.

KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, girls, it's my next guests.

It's our arch-rivals.

Scandi princesses Svetlana of Sweden and Nora of Norway.

Hello, girls.

Is there someone to carry our bags?

Oh, erm, yeah, my chalet irls can take care of that.

Beatrice and Eugenie, chalet girls.

So you finally found a caree commensurate with your talents.

Now there should be one more guest, Count Eduardo Mapelli Mozzi.

The most eligible bachelor in Europe.

Sorry I'm late.

My private jet sucked a goose into its engine.

Gosh!

Um, you're right, Barry, his is a ban in sausa e sandwich.

Oh, this is Beverley. He's going to be helping me out for a few days.

Beverley? That's a bit of a girl's name, isn't it?

Ctually we're trying to eliminate hat sort of bullyin

masquerading as bante rom buildin sites.

I'm so sorry. And, Beverley, please accent my apology.

Oh, actually, while I've got you,

[we're going to need to put an RS] in where we've taken that wall down.

[Right. The thing is, given he location of the RS],

it is going to need to be platinum.

Now hang on, Barry.

I wasn't born yesterday.

Why's it got to be platinum?

Well, it's a non-corrosive metal, innit?

And this is a kitchen.

So there's going to be a lot of steam.

Ou got your kettle, ou got your pans. Oh, I see.

Won't that be rather expensive?

Er, well, yeah, I mean platinum's 5 quid a gram at the moment,

[and this RS] is about a tonne, so you're looking at, what...?

30 million quid.

Er...

There's not a cheaper non-corrosive metal you could use? Like bronze?

Unfortunately not, it has to be platinum.

I mean, I'll try and get you a trade discount,

but the Antwerp market bein what it is...

No, no, I see. I'm sure you're riht.

I'll transfer the funds right away.

Yeah, I prefer cash.

Louis and Arthur play so well together.

Who? Our children.

Oh, yeah. Oh, thanks for baby-sitting.

I don't see why I have to schlep all the way over here.

I thought it might be nice for Arthur, your son,

to spend time in the palace.

You always have to get it in, don't you? What?

Ou know I'm married to a billionaire? Not a millionaire.

A billionaire. Little bit vulgar to talk about money.

Well, that's cos you don't have to.

Cos you've been given

My life isn't half as easy as you seem to think.

Oh, what's this?

It's just Wills has been so short with me recently.

Like he's just not that interested in me.

I've heard of the seven-year itch, how long have you been married now?

Nine years. Ooh. And he is a Windsor.

If they don't get their oats, they do tend to look into the next field.

And shag the horse.

I don't know what you're suggesting.

Well, they've all done it.

Charles, Prince Philip, oh, Andrew, well...

Pippa you're quite wrong.

I think you'd be better off taking care of your own affairs.

Oh, don't worry.

My affairs are about to be horoughly taken care of.

And thanks to Prince Harry for opening the Duke of Edinburgh

Severe Personality Disorder Unit.

Oh, excuse me, do you know where he khazi is? Thank you.

Oh, my God, we're... e're like two peas in a pod.

Look. Oh, yah.

God, that is amazing.

Ell, hang on you're, ou're Prince Harry, aren't you?

And so are you.

I just work here, unfortunately.

So, got a few probs then, eh?

I'm just sick of my life.

Eah, well, my missus says he one person you can never ge

away from is yourself. Nd she's from California.

Hey, are... Are you suggesting that e pretend to be each other

for the next 24 hours? No, I wasn't.

But we could. What are you doing later? After this? Nothing.

Ust watching The Expendables in my cinema room.

Oh, God, I'd love to watch he Expendables in your cinema room.

Can we swap?

Ell, Meghan is away on a super food tasting weekend.

Oh, thanks. Whoa!

Hang on a sec. What are you meant to be doing after this?

Oh, God, work drinks down the pub. Right, get your jacket off.

He should be here any minute now.

Harry!

Are you Pippa Middleton?

Course I am, silly.

I am free for lunch. How about I treat you?

Why not?

There you are. Come on, sir, everyone's waiting for you.

Oh, all right then.

Ah, your Highness, this is my good lady wife, Belinda.

She'll be in charge of the orgy after. Eurgh.

Will you be staying? Well, erm...

Don't be stupid.

He's confused enough with one woman.

If it's part of the religion... Charles!

Ell, in that case, here are your ceremonial robes.

Now, you can get chan ed in the camper van.

You are going to the discotheque tonight? Of course.

Anyone who is anyone will be there.

You can share our Uber if you like.

Edo is so dishy.

I wish we could go to the discotheque.

It's the social event of the season.

But we have to be up at four to do the full English breakfasts,

plus we haven't got anything to wear,

those twats at the airline still haven't found our luggage.

I can do the full English breakfasts, irls.

And as for something to wear,

ell, I've got a whole wardrobe of me old party ear.

Oh, Mummy, you mean e CAN go to the discotheque?

Wait there.

Word up.

Er, great.

Yah, fab.

Well, off you go, girls, have fun.

Erm, but remember, be back by midniht.

This is insane.

We live in a multi-faith culture. I'm simply moving with the times.

We're ready for you now.

Oh, mighty lord of misrule,

prince of chaos,

father of darkness,

I command your presence,

oh, rider on the beast,

step forth and show yourself.

He's only gone and done it.

What happens now? I don't know.

It's never happened before.

Er, ask him what he wants.

What is your desire, oh, lord of death?

A state dinner.

I told you not to meddle!

But you never listen.

Let's not go over old ground.

What shall I say? Give him a state dinner.

Well, I can't, he's the embodiment and source of all evil.

You gave Trump one.

Oh. Forget the state dinner, I've got a better idea.

I have him now!

Tie him down.

Sorry, your horned god, hope that's not too tight.

IN DEMONIC VOICE: Bow down before the Dark Lord.

What is your bidding?

Oh, get up. I'm going to have to exorcise him.

What, now? He's only just arrived.

He's hosting a garden party for the Women's Institute tomorrow.

The foul stinking whores.

And I don't think that's going to go down very well, do you?

But an exorcism? Ou're not qualified.

If there's one thing I know better than anything, lan...

it's evil.

E look ridiculous. Edo won't even look at me dressed like this.

He might.

Come on, we're here now.

Oh, my God, Eugenie, it's an '80s disco.

Wow.

Ou are the mos beautiful irl here.

May I have the pleasure of this dance?

All right. Will you be OK?

Oh, yes.

Who is that?

APPLAUSE

argh, burns! Your mother sucks cocks in hell!

Is that really the best you can do?

Do you have any idea who you're dealing with,

you BLEEP-ing BLEEP-sh f-BLEEP-king brains tw-BLEEP-t?

I'm going to shove your c-BLEEP-k and b-BLEEP-ox so far up your arse

you'll be spraying s-BLEEP-nk and BLEEP out of your c-BLEEP-ing gob.

Hat just shows a lack of vocabulary.

Rarghg

Now fuck off out of him!

Bit rude. With this power, I will rule the world!

What?

For he shall be king of the world's greatest power,

Ehe British Empire.

When were you last conjured up?

822.

And you haven't read a newspaper since then?

Why do You ask?

Well, the only power he's got

is selling overpriced jams in his Highgrove shop.

Is this true?

CHARLES: Not exactly, I do have an advisory role.

DEMON: You have no power?!

CHARLES: But I suppose I do fuck all, really.

Now for the last time,

sling your hook!

Argh!

Argh!

How's the Black Mass?

A mixed bag.

Better make a move.

Don't want to catch the traffic.

This has been the most wonderful night of my life.

For me too.

Oh. Oh, God, it's 6am.

I have to go.

Wait. Wait.

I don't even know your name!

Mr Rutherford. Mr Rutherford.

Yeah, just five more minutes, Nanny. Wake up.

What is it?!

Oh, my God. Where am I?

There's an emergency, they need you in theatre right now.

Theatre? Yeah, we've got to get you scrubbed up.

Yeah, but I'm Prince Harry.

You're Professor Julian Rutherford,

this country's leading brain surgeon. Oh, shit it.

It's an extended bifrontal cranioctomy. What?

I know, the surgery's only been performed once before,

but luckily it was by you.

Double shit it.

Yep, that's 30 million all right.

[So, the platinum RS] ent in all riht?

Oh, yeah, it was a beauty.

And tomorrow we'll have a look at that pointing.

Ooh, I tell you what's more durable than mortar -

ground up diamonds.

Great. CAR HORN BEEPS

Ooh, that's Beverley. I don't suppose you could help him

hump a couple of bags of cement through?

Only my back's a bit... urgh.

Oh, yah. Yah.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello, Your Highness.

Good morning, Barry, is William there?

No, no, he's in the back of the van unloading with Beverley.

Beverley? Can you bring him o the phone at once please?

Sorry, Your Highness, they're humping away out there.

I'll get him to call you back.

Ust phone up the Queen, she'll vouch for me.

Ill you listen? I'm not a brain surgeon.

You are this man's only hope.

All right.

Who are you?

I am Francis Willis,

the physician who cured George Ill of his madness.

Fret not, Harry...

I will be your hands.

Thanks, Francis Willis.

Let us begin.

Lust keep going!

MONITOR BEEPS CONTINUALLY

We've lost him.

Blimey.

Hat was more complicated han I was expectin.

Now will you believe me?

Wills. Kate. I thought you weren't coming back till tomorrow.

What's going on?

I was trying on a tool belt and my trousers fell down.

Don't lie to me, I know all about it. Know all about what?

Barry let it slip on the phone.

But I... I've got no idea hat you're talking about.

Who's Beverley?

That's Beverley? Yah.

But don't make any comments, they don't like it.

Wills, I'm so happy-

Look, Kate, there's something you should know, you're goin

fto find out, eventually.

[I spent £30 million on a platinum RS].

£30 million?

I know.

I'm completely out of my depth,

I should never have tried o be a proper man.

You'll always be a proper man to me.

Right. Barry, what's all this shit about you charging 30 million quid

[for an RS]?

Ell, th... that's how much platinum costs.

Look, I'm not standard member of the royal family, OK? I used to be a gypsy.

So, I'm going to ask you this question once, and if you don't tell me the truth,

I'm going to open you up like a tin of beans.

[Is that a platinum RS]?

Oh, actually, oh, now I come to think about it,

it might just be steel.

[Beverley, that RS], as it steel or platinum?

Eah, yeah, I thin it's 'ust steel.

Oh, must've been a mix-up at the depot.

So, we'll, refund you the 30 million quid,

[minus the 6O sovs for the steel RS].

Too right you will.

But the work is beautiful.

Well, thanks.

Oh, Kate.

I am so sorry, Your Royal Highness.

Oh, that's all right.

Nd... and the medical negligence charges you were talking about?

Oh, we can, we can forget about those. Great.

Do you guys need a hand cleaning up?

No. No, no, no, we'll be fine. Oh, magic. Right.

See you around, then.

Wasn't he nice?

So normal.

Pippa, what are you doing? Harry?

Harry and I have somethin to tell you.

Eah, I'm... I'm not Harry, I'm a brain sur eon.

Eah, can you pack that in now? It's ettin on my tits.

Er, what's going on? He's in love with me.

And he's leaving Meghan...

I told you.

And marrying me. No, I'm not Harry.

But I do want to marry you. Do you want me to hurt you?

Harry, is this true? Oh, it's true all right.

I'm going to be a princess, 'ust like you, only better.

Nd whilst you're stuck openin a bus garage in Catterick,

I'll be spending time with the man I love.

Hello, you lot.

Yeah, Ml5 said you'd be here.

HarfY-

So, you see, I'm... I'm not Harry, but I do love you,

more than anything.

So, you're not royal?

No, I'm Britain's oremost brain surgeon.

What fucking use is that to me? Well, it's still a very good job.

Go on, do one.

BYE, Harry. Bye, Julian.

Bad luck, Pippa.

I can't help thinking if you were a little more content,

you wouldn't end up in these muddles.

Oh, fuck off.

Er, I don't like this, take it back.

Ciao. Edo, where have you been?

Been all over town and I can't find the girl from last night anywhere.

All she left behind was this fun wig.

That's your wig.

Tell him. No, I can't.

I know where your girl rom last ni ht is.

It's my spinster sister, Princess Beatrice of York.

It fits!

It's you...

isn't it?

It i5 you!

This holiday is shit.

I'm very sorry, everyone, but l... I'm oin

to have to ask you all to leave.

What's going on?

I'm ceasing to trade as a B&B. Why, Mummy?

I just got a call from Daddy. He Queen's withdrawn his allowance.

He thinks he'll have to sell the chalet.

Edo, what must you think of my father?

I guess this is ove before it's even begun.

We are, we're still free. I don't care.

Your father's only problem is that he's too honourable,

as anyone who saw his TV interview would know.

I've found the girl I love.

Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?

Oh, Edo.

Yas. Yes?