Original subtitles

LAINEY: Back in the '90s, there was nothing Principal Glascott

loved more than the morning meeting.

It's where he got to bring everyone up to speed

on what was happening at his beloved William Penn.

Okay, so, we need three more chaperones for the Spring dance.

Uh, this weekend we'll be cleaning out the kitchen,

so any food that you leave behind

will become an app for my book club.

Not my celery sticks! (LAUGHS)

Also, tomorrow morning, I will be going under the knife and may die.

Wait, what? Oh, it's nothing to worry about.

It's just some very invasive, life-threatening...procedure.

Oh, my God, why didn't you tell us sooner?

John, what's going on?

You can tell us. We can handle it.

(SIGHS) I'm having hallux valgus surgery.

John, should we get a prayer chain going?

It sounds serious. Calm down, people.

The man has a bunion.

Mee Maw Mellor had a bunion.

It's, uh, a little extra bone on your big toe.

Well, mine's actually at the base of my baby toe,

medically referred to as a "bunionette."

Anyways, I'll be out for the next few days

and will need someone to fill in as acting principal

while I'm gone staring death in the face.

Or just your gross toe.

The person that I will be passing the torch to is...

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS)

...CB.

Really? Really?

Really? Oh, my God!

I-I don't even... I don't even know what to say.

What an honor. Wow.

I promise to represent this school

to the best of my ability, John.

Relax, Miss America. It's a couple days.

* One of these days, you're gonna get outta here

* Live your life and finally be free

* Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do

* Someday, you will say "Those were the days" *

LAINEY: It was April 15th, 1990-something,

and Coach Mellor and Julie's relationship

was chugging along comfortably.

Ah! There's the light of my very healthy and active life.

Are you ready for Stouffer's French Bread Pizza

and Nash Bridges tonight?

Actually, I was thinking that we could go see Rent

at the Forrest Theater, you know, have a night out?

Great, but not on the night of the season finale.

We didn't watch 23 episodes of Nash Bridges

to miss the big finale.

I'm sure they'll just solve the 24th crime,

but maybe we could go see Rent tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night is, uh, tuna casserole and Boggle.

The night after that? Fajitas on the grill

and washing the mesh pinnies from gym class.

That's certainly much better.

That's my girl! Back on track!

(SMOOCHES AND CHUCKLES)

Rick, I don't mean to pry.

Don't you, though?

But that woman is clearly looking to get out and have a little fun,

and all you want to do is sit at home

eating and sniffing kids' gym clothes.

Never at the same time.

You two are clearly in a rut.

You're damn right we are!

Wait, do you think that's a good thing?

The rut is the dream!

I mean, it just means that the relationship is smooth sailing,

and there are no kinks to iron out.

Do you ever do date nights?

For us, every night is a date night.

You just heard three of them.

Did you hear three date nights?

At this point, I don't know if I can identify a date night.

I mean, is that when you go out and listen to music

that isn't about what direction the wheels on the bus go?

I'm just trying to help you.

Julie wants to shake things up.

If you can't do that, she may look for someone who can.

Julie shakes things up plenty!

In fact, lately, she's been out studying for her nursing exam

with her gal pal, Leslie!

Hey, Rick.

Leslie's here, and I wanted you guys to meet.

Hi! You must be Leslie's very ripped and smoldering husband.

I'm Rick Mellor. Nice to meet you.

(LAUGHING) No, Rick.

This is Leslie.

But you're a boy!

No, he is all man.

Yeah, people get it confused all the time.

Don't feel bad. (CHUCKLES)

Well, that sure shook things up.

LAINEY: As Mellor was beginning to worry

about Julie's new study partner,

CB was starting the day off

with a fun spin on the morning announcements.

Good morning, William Penn!

I don't know if you've heard,

but there's a new sheriff in town.

(COCONUT HALVES CLACKING)

(IMITATES HORSE WHINNYING)

It's me, Charlie Brown, your temporary interim principal!

Please mosey on over for some counseling,

discipline, or just a nice high-five.

(WOOD CLACKS) My door will always be open, and if it's shut,

just give me a nice, little...

(KNOCKS ON TABLE) ...or a "ding-dong"!

To be clear, you're gonna have to say "ding-dong"

because we don't actually have a doorbell.

Now, giddy on up to your classes, everybody!

(COCONUT HALVES CLACKING)

LAINEY: Yep, CB was feeling great about his new gig.

That is, until he ran into "The Pinkies,"

a trio of popular girls who ruled the school.

They sometimes wore pink, but always did this.

Hi! Hi, Mr. Brown!

I mean, Principal Brown.

I heard Glascott's foot died and you're in charge now.

Not entirely accurate, but sure!

So, I'm having my birthday bash this Saturday, and I was wondering...

Oh, I am incredibly flattered,

but it's also my Nana's b-day,

and we are touring the Yankee Candle Factory,

so... (CHUCKLES) But I'll take a party bag.

Yeah, no.

Anyway, my dad owns Kinko's,

so I'm kind of known for having these rad party invitations...

Full-color cardstock, photo-gloss finish.

None of that matte garbage.

Yeah, we hate that garbage.

Such garbage. Stop it!

Anyway, this year I want to go all-out

and surprise my guests

by putting their invitations inside their lockers.

Oh, wow! That is delightful!

You're such a good friend.

So, can you do me a teeny, tiny favor

and get me the combinations to these 37 lockers?

Opening other students' lockers to put party invites in?

Sounds awesome!

Happy to oblige! You're the best.

I'll send Marni later to pick them up.

Bye-e-e!

Bye!

Hey. Did I just hear you agree to give Gina 37 locker combinations?

Yeah, for her birthday invites.

She's trying to make her guests feel special.

It's the exact opposite.

She is trying to make a very clear point

of how exclusive her party is

so everyone who doesn't get invited feels like crap.

Why would she do that?

That's what she feeds off of. She's a monster.

Gina? She's a classic mean girl.

The Pinkies are at the top of the William Penn social pyramid.

They decide who's cool and who's not.

And they manipulate anyone in their sights

and use them however they see fit.

So they're like super villains?

I'm just saying you're principal right now,

and this party can make for a pretty rough couple of days.

Do you think that I don't have what it takes?

I'm just saying you could really use my help on this one.

I see what's going on here.

Looks like someone is jealous that Glascott didn't pick you.

CB, this is not a power grab for an unpaid temporary job.

Look, I was a teenage girl once,

and I've had my fair share of dust-ups with their kind.

I know how to tangle.

Thank you, but I am good, all right?

And as your supervisor, may I just say

to get your caboose over to that fifth period right now?

Toot-toot!

Without my train sound-effect whistle, it just doesn't pop.

(LAUGHS)

So, Julie tells me you're a tremendous athlete, Rick.

I, uh, played a little high-school basketball.

Probably shirts and skins.

I imagine you played on the skins team.

I'm imagining it right now.

I played high-school basketball,

but then I went on to play college ball.

You got me beat there.

College ball is a different beast.

I mean, I had a couple of scholarship offers,

but then one morning I just woke up and I decided

to grab a backpack and travel the world,

wherever the wind takes me. And I'm speaking literally.

I was on a one-man sailboat.

That's Leslie. Mr. Spontaneity.

Well, this has been great!

Uh, but, uh, Julie and I have our regular

weekly Taco Tuesday lunch, so...

Actually, Rick, with the nursing test coming up,

I want to get in as much studying as I can.

So Leslie and I are going to have a "studying lunch"

on myology at the cafe down the street.

Myology. Nice meeting you, Rick.

Nice to meet you, man Leslie.

And I'm sorry, but I think I'm gonna have to skip Nash Bridges tonight.

Leslie's coming over so we can study anatomy.

Anatomy.

(COFFEE MUG TAPS LIGHTLY)

For the first time ever, I envy Julie.

Wilma, you're right!

Julie and I are in a rut!

No! You're in the rut!

Julie's climbed out and is about to free solo Mount Leslie!

LAINEY: The writing was on the wall for Mellor.

As for Principal CB, he was trying to get some signatures for Glascott.

Come on, man. That's all of my food.

Sorry, it's a "get well" card for John.

I'm trying to get the whole faculty to sign it.

I never know what to write in these things.

There's too much pressure.

Okay. Mean girls.

I don't know what Lainey's talking about.

Those three are thick as thieves.

No!

Oh, Gina, Marni, come on.

Oh, that's not good.

All right, time to be Principal CB here and get to work.

Are you about to talk to Gina and her crew?

That is correct.

No. They're in my Spanish class.

I call them Las rosaditas del diablo.

"The devil's pinkies"?

Oh, my God, you, too? Come on.

CB! I've got this!

CB!

Hi, Jessica.

Everything okay?

I just got this from Gina's people.

That'd be Marni.

"You're not invited." What?

Right? I thought I was a "Pinky for Life."

That's our motto.

Well, did something happen?

I don't know.

Maybe I looked at Todd weird.

Maybe my sweater was too much like hers.

Maybe she's just jealous because my hair

looks better in a French braid.

Well, you know my motto... "If you feel bad,

"tell the person who made you feel bad

"and find out why they made you feel bad

"so that you don't feel bad."

That's super clunky.

I'll just find other friends...

Or eat lunch alone for the rest of my life.

That is not a pink devil girl.

That is just someone in need.

And lucky for her she's got a principal who won't give up.

Not giving up is a big mistake.

(GROANS) You sound just like Lainey.

Why, is she right, too?

I'm already formulating a plan

that's not only gonna help Jessica,

but it's gonna get all three friends back together.

Well, we're gonna miss you around here.

Good luck!

LAINEY: CB was determined to solve the drama between The Pinkies,

and I had thought up a solution of my own.

Hey. Coop came by and told me what happened with Jessica

getting de-invited from Gina's party.

Yeah, she's really upset.

I know how I can help.

I'll start a rumor there's a Germantown party

the night of Gina's party that Jessica's going to,

which will make everyone go,

"What's the big Germantown party?"

And Gina will be nervous that kids are gonna not go to her party.

So, to make sure the pretend Germantown party

doesn't overwhelm her party, she'll invite anyone,

including the dis-invited Jessica.

Okay, you're acting like a child,

whereas I'm the person in charge.

So, while I appreciate your input... Actually, not at all.

Who said that? This stuff is clearly out of your pay grade, okay?

Hi, Mr. Brown. You wanted to see me?

Jessica, yes, I did. Please take a seat.

Am I in trouble?

No, the opposite of trouble. Don't worry.

What are they doing here?

What's she doing here?

Yeah, what's she doing here?

What are all of them doing here?

Chill. CB the Principal has got this.

I am about to turn back time.

You're gonna sing like Cher?

No, something better. Please, take a seat.

A journey through the long history

of your beautiful friendship,

as told by the William Penn yearbook.

Here we go.

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh, my God. This isn't happening.

Aww, look at you guys.

Second grade. Thick as thieves.

Speaking of thick, you really did hold on to that baby fat.

Yeah. I remember you called me "Miss Piggy."

Well, you do snort when you laugh. (CHUCKLES)

I don't think this is making them any closer.

Let me start my second-party rumor.

No! You are a teacher. We do not start rumors, okay?

I am principal, authorized by John Glascott,

who may or may not have survived his bunion surgery.

So do not undermine me, please.

And... First day of high school!

Oh, my God, you never gave me that shirt back!

I did you a favor.

As if you've ever been able to pull off olive.

Klepto! Bitch!

Christmas pageant! Abort!

They feel your desperation, and it repulses them!

You know what? You are both officially off my party list!

(BOTH GASP)

But, "Pinkies for Life."

Why don't you put that away?

CB's plan hadn't worked out like he'd hoped.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Meanwhile, Julie and Leslie were hoping to have

a productive study session.

Hey-oh!

Rick, what are you doing here?

Brought you some brain food for your study sesh.

Unexpected.

Some might even say spontaneous.

We've got, uh, manchego, chorizo, pan y mantequilla.

That all sounds delicious.

Well, I thought we'd get a head start on the food we'll be eating in...

(SPANISH ACCENT) Barcelona!

(GASPS) Which is the first stop on our spontaneous

trip around the world.

Oh, Barcelona is beautiful.

If you go, you must see the Basilica de la Sagrada Familia.

Must we? And do me a favor.

Go to the Cafe de l'Opera, tell Roberto I sent you,

and ask him to make you his special paella de Leslie.

Nah, we're not gonna have any time for that. Pack a bag, baby!

This is, uh, all very sudden and... And exciting!

I know. I don't even have a passport.

But I can't travel or go anywhere until after I take

my nurse practitioner certification test.

All right, well, we'll put a spontaneous pin in our spontaneous trip!

Thank you. And when you ace this test,

I am personally gonna have a name plate made that says

"School Nurse Practitioner Julie."

We can even bring it to Barcelona.

Rick, I'm taking this test so I can get a job back at the hospital

and continue to learn and advance my career.

But your career is at William Penn, with me.

I like working at the school,

but for me, it was always temporary.

Julie's an exceptional nurse.

In fact, when she passes her certification,

I'm gonna do my best to get her a position

at Abington Memorial with me.

With you? Yes, that's where Leslie works.

And he said he's gonna put in a good word

with his department head.

That's very helpful of you, Leslie.

I appreciate you extending the courtesy to my girlfriend.

(BREATHES SHARPLY) Ah, you're truly a good guy.

Leslie's truly an (BLEEP).

I'm gonna take him down and show Julie I'm the dominant male.

Seems like so far, he's dominated you everywhere.

Which is why the next battle will be in my arena!

(HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC SLOWS, STOPS)

You're gonna play him in badminton?

No, one-on-one basketball, or as they say in Barcelona,

uno-a-uno en baloncesto.

LAINEY: While Mellor was getting pumped to go head-to-head with Leslie,

CB was feeling deflated due to some tough feedback from his boss.

So, I heard all about your Pinkies disaster.

John, I have got everything under control, all right?

It's just three upset friends.

Oh, this is way bigger than upset friends.

The whole party is off.

I got Marni's mom up my ass 'cause she can't get a refund

for her daughter's dumb sequin party dress.

Like somehow it's my fault she lost the receipt from Wet Seal.

I'm... I'm sorry. GLASCOTT: Oh, that's not all.

Gina's dad permanently revoked our school's discount

on all banner printings from Kinko's.

So I guess the football players will be taking the field

running through nothing!

It's hard to cheer for that

'cause you can see them the whole time.

And Jessica and Marni both dropped out of the school musical

and took all the other girls with them

to show solidarity against Gina!

Now it's just Guys? No Dolls?

Sorry to interrupt, but I thought you should know

I was just able to subdue

a colossal food fight in the cafeteria.

What happened? All I really know is what with The Pinkies disbanding,

the students feel no need to abide by the rules of society.

Don't worry. I'll clean it up.

Just be careful out there!

Oh, my God, it's even worse than I thought!

I can fix this, all right?

We haven't even tried puppets yet with the girls.

And as you know, that is the ultimate conflict resolution tool.

You do not have the authority to go into my puppet drawer!

(DRAWER SLAMS)

Oh, God, and to think this could all have been solved

with a rumor about a competing party!

That is what I've been saying!

You have?

I see.

Lainey Lewis, you are now

the new Interim Principal of William Penn.

Huh? Well, well done.

Guess you've got everything you ever wanted.

What? Yeah, you've been gunning for my job since Day One.

This is Day One.

You've angled and you've played, and you know what?

You are just like those Pinkie girls.

You are a Pinkie teacher.

So, bye-e.

LAINEY: As CB was giving me the cold shoulder,

Mellor was warming up for his one-on-one game with Leslie.

All right, Rick. It's game time.

Leslie hasn't arrived yet, but when he does,

I am prepared to give him

the worst basketball-related beat-down

since the Jocks defeated the Rocks

in MTV's Rock Jock B-Ball Jam '93.

Why do you even know that?

That event was the perfect confluence

of my love for basketball and my disdain for Urkel

and his abject refusal to admit that he did "do that."

Hey, Rick. Ready to hoop it up.

Where are the rest of the guys?

The rest of the eight guys flaked.

I don't know why I keep inviting those eight guys. They always flake.

They're the flakiest eight guys I know.

Right, Wilma? Don't involve me in your weirdness.

Well, since it's just you and I,

what do you say we go one-on-one?

Uh, yeah, sure. Just give me a minute to stretch.

All right! (CHUCKLES)

My plan is going off like clockwork.

Julie will arrive in the middle of the game

and see me dominating Leslie,

and that image will be seared into her brain.

Leslie, a sniveling loser,

curled up in the fetal position on the gym floor

while I stand over him

like a mythical basketball Minotaur,

half man, half bull!

All champion!

All right, I'm ready. Ah, time to play.

Now, so we know who's on whose team, let's go shirts and skins.

Rick, you're shirts.

I guess that makes you skins, Leslie.

Pop that top, big boy!

It's pretty clear what the teams are, Wilma. Let's do this!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

**

LAINEY: Word spread of Coach's heated one-on-one game.

And soon enough, there was a full house watching,

as Mellor dominated Leslie.

(CROWD CHEERING)

**

Time! (WHISTLE BLOWS)

Julie, what a nice surprise.

You asked me to come here.

Are you playing one-on-one against Leslie?

Yeah, just for fun. I mean, I'm the 15 and he's the 6,

so I'm winning by a lot.

Why don't you sit down and enjoy the game?

Sure. Time back in!

Since I've been running away with this,

I'll go a little easier on you, starting about now.

(CROWD CHEERS)

STUDENTS: (CHANTING) Mellor!

(COUGHS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

Tom's choking!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come here. Come on. Come on.

I gotcha. I gotcha.

(HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh, my God, Leslie!

You saved his life!

STUDENTS: (CHANTING) Leslie!

No, no.

Let's not forget the score.

It's 18-6. (CHANTING CONTINUES)

Did you see what Leslie did? Can you believe it?

Yeah, he stole my thunder.

Tom Scott was choking.

Yeah, well, he's partially to blame, too.

Rick, are you jealous of Leslie?

Of course I'm jealous. He's got a paella named after him, for God's sake!

I'm just some boring routine guy

who makes you stay at home and wash gym clothes.

You deserve that job and to spend all your time with him.

Rick. Don't.

And it's true. We are stuck in a rut.

Maybe going to work with Leslie

is the best way to get out of it.

(BALL BOUNCES)

LAINEY: After calling me out as a mean girl,

CB was going to get back at me by pulling a mean girl move of his own.

Oh, I'm sorry. This party is invite-only.

What party? This is the teachers' lounge.

With balloons and a cheese plate.

No. Yeah, so clearly a party.

The cheese choice is yellow or white.

With either Ritz crackers or broken Ritz crackers.

And again, if you don't have a party invite,

you're gonna have to skedaddle

'cause this is an exclusive private event.

Okay, I see what you're doing.

Gosh, the tables have certainly been turned on me.

Oh, my God!

A party for me and my new perfectly symmetrical feet?

Oh, uh... So, Lainey, how'd everything go?

Pretty good. Pinkie problem solved.

CB reluctantly helped me start a Germantown party rumor

that worked so well

there somehow actually is a Germantown party now.

A bunch of kids over there are disappointed they're not invited,

but, hey, not our problem.

Not our problem at all. (CHUCKLES)

So, I'm glad you two got to work together.

Well, I guess it was dumb to think that

old photos of The Pinkies would remind them

how much they care about each other.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, Gina Rivera has no feelings whatsoever.

But it doesn't matter whose idea it was. It got it done.

Well, it was Lainey, so here's your new heir apparent.

I have no interest in this job.

But I did.

I always thought I would follow in your footsteps, John,

going from teacher to counselor to principal.

You still can. But I sucked at it.

So what if you have to go to Lainey

to help you with a student issue

or to Coop to help you plan this awesome party

or Johnny Atkins to get the beanies and/or weenies off the cafeteria wall?

For the record, it was both.

Good leaders don't do everything themselves.

They get the best out of everyone they lead.

It's true, CB.

And just so you know, I was on your side the whole time.

There's no one that can inspire

this entire school the way you do.

Thanks, guys.

Now let's get that "welcome back" party started!

Coop, what all do you have planned?

Uh, we... Um, uh. (CHUCKLING) Whoa...

(HOOTIE & THE BLOWFISH'S HOLD MY HAND PLAYS)

LAINEY: CB was taking everything Glascott and I said to heart.

* With a little love and some tenderness *

LAINEY: Meanwhile, Julie was hoping to have

a heart-to-heart of her own with Mellor.

Are you rocky-roading at 8:00 a.m.?

With rainbow sprinkles.

Not even the new confetti colors

can brighten the darkness I feel inside.

Look, Leslie is just a friend.

That's all he's ever been. And the job?

Even though I always planned on leaving this school

for bigger career opportunities,

I never planned on leaving you.

With this new job, you're gonna be leaving at the crack of dawn,

you'll come home late, exhausted.

I just feel like we're not gonna have as much time together.

But maybe there's a way that we could add to the time

that we see each other outside of school.

Like, on the weekends?

I was thinking during the week,

if, uh, maybe we moved in together?

Wow!

Not... Not immediately or anything, but... But someday.

Because no matter how much life changes,

I always want you there with me.

And I, too, also, with change, want that.

For the changes... Wait.

I understand.

I love you. Oh, I love you.

LAINEY: Life can throw a lot of changes our way.

(CLACKING) And sometimes those changes can make us feel insecure,

and we second-guess ourselves.

That's why, as long as you stay true to who you are,

those insecurities will fade away.

And if you keep an open mind, you'll find your friendships

will flourish more than ever.

And who knows?

You might even discover a new one in the process.

Or learn a lesson and make an improvement

in one that you already have

and cherish with all your heart.

**

Good morning, William Penn!

(IMITATES ROOSTER CROWING)

I hope everyone had a great weekend,

even though we had all that rain...

(KERNELS PATTERING)

...wind... (HAIR DRYER BLOWING)

...and thunder!

(FOIL WHOOSHING LIGHTLY)

That sounds nothing like it.

It's all I have, John. Workshop it.

Anyway, we have a great week coming up.

Wednesday night's the varsity basketball game.

(BASKETBALL THUMPING) (IMITATES CROWD ROARING)

Hopefully there won't be any broken bones.

(CELERY SNAPS) Because we don't want anyone carted off in an ambulance.

(IMITATES ENGLISH SIREN)

In England?

(IMITATES AMERICAN SIREN)

You guys need to stop!

Okay, uh, let's put on the brakes.

(IMITATES BRAKES SCREECHING) CB, please give it a rest.

(SNORING) (GLASCOTT CHUCKLES)

Hey, I think we're a hit.