All language subtitles for Man Camp 2013

["Man Up" playing]

Oh.

Roman, I just got
back into town,

and I am desperate
for a blow-out.

Chelsea, my darling.
I have missed you.

Oh, I missed you, too.

Let me look at you.

Give me a twirl.
Gorgeous.

["Man Up" continues]

Where is Clark?
Ugh, girl trouble.

The child needs you.

["Man Up" continues]

(Clark)
That's me, Clark.

That's Lucia.
Brazilian,

beautiful,
and a total
mystery to me.

And that's Buck.
He's the problem.

["Man Up" continues]

And here's why.

Faster, Buck.
Yeah.
Yeah.

I've been styling hair
all my life, so you'd think
I know women.

You'd be wrong.

Hey, Roman.
Sorry I'm late.

I'll be with you
in just a second, okay?

God bless your mother, Clark.
May she rest in peace,

but business is crap.

The mall and this
Studio 54 decor

went out with free love
and the Nixon administration.

Not what
she wanted,
I know.

I mean, I'm riding
a bike and sub-letting
just to get by.

We need some of that
Brazilian heat.

I thought bringing in
some beauties would make
a difference.

Monica is popular,
and Lucia has lots
of regulars.

Stop it.

Regulars like
barber-cut Buck.

And shampoos
don't pay.

Nice tool belt.
Sorry, uh, toilet
doesn't work.

No worries.

[grunting]

Wow, it's really loud.
It's like a fire hose.

Yeah?
You want
to play swords?

Uh...no.

I-- No.

It's Lucia's
birthday party tonight.
You should come.

Sure, okay.
Maybe.

Okay maybe?
Clark, I'm not asking you
for a sperm sample.

[blows]
It's a freaking party.

That's how
you wash your hands?
Free tip.

A man never washes his hands
for more than four seconds.
It makes you weird.

Teresa, you said
you'd tell me, c'mon.

Teresa, please, just tell me
how to get her attention.
I'm not doing this.

I don't even know you.

I know I'm not
your typical guy's guy.

To be honest,
I'm the daughter
my mother never had.

Not going to do it, Clark.
I don't want to hurt
your feelings.

Go ahead.
I can take it.
Okay, you're
a little bitch.

[high-pitch voice]
I am not a little--

I'm a bitch.
You're a little bitch.

You sing and you dance
and you style hair, bitch.

Okay, but that
makes me creative.
You play the flute.

I don't play--
The flute is like this.
I play the clarinet.

Look at what
you're doing.

Okay, look, if you want
something more from women,

then you got to do more
than this puppy dog
eye thing you're doing.

I do not have
puppy dog eyes.
Yeah.

Look, what
you got to do

is you're going
to let the big dog
out of the basement.

I don't have a dog,
I have a cat.
You're going to let the big dog
out of the basement.

[grunting]

[barking]

Ow.

I can't wait.

[women's mixed voices]

Clark,
que lindo. Si?

[mixed voices]

(Clark)
Oh, yeah,
here we go.

I am the man.

[toilet flushes]

Hey.
C'mon, can I get
some privacy, please?

We're late.
I'm sorry, Clark.

No. Out.
It's my shower time.

What do you mean?
What are you doing?

You're shaving
your legs?
Yeah.

No, you're going to get
your little leg hairs
in my shower.

Can you please
rinse me?

Once I rinse you,
you got to get out.
Go, get out.

[shouts]
[laughs]

Oh, my gosh.

It's acaà root.
From home.
No.

Give me a bowl.
I can't believe it.

You need
to try this right now.

Open your mouth.
Mm.

It's an aphrodisiac.
It's a native secret.

Can I have some more?
Secret.
Secret.

Let's warm up
for the secret.

Be quiet.
Don't say anything
about my secret.

Can you tuck me in?

Best roommate ever.

Let's go.
We're late.
Let's go.

Are you sure
about this music thing?
Why not?
For sure.

It's super casual there.
It will be awesome.

See you there.
Bye.

Wait, wait.
I can't--

I can't take my bike.
I have my clarinet.
I need a ride.

[engine falters]

No, no.

[cell phone ringing]

(Karl)
Hello?
Hey, Karl, it's Clark.

I'm coming to get you
and Benjamin but there's
been a problem.

[humming]

Grown men, huh?
You guys are ridiculous.

Don't know how to do
anything on the side road
with a crisis.

You guys are just
all together or something?
You got a thing going on?

You're the bear and these
are your cubs, big guy?
Huh?

That's insanely
homophobic.

I am not going to write you
a good Yelp review.

Unbelievable.
You guys are
so embarrassing.

You can't jump start a car.
You don't know how
to change a tire.

It's not my forte.

"It's not my forte."
What are you, French?

Yes, I'm a quarter French.
My grandma is French.

That's nothing
to be proud of.
Where's your beret?

It's beret.
Thank you.

Uh, I don't think so.
There is a "T" at the end
of that word.

The "T" is silent.

Look, we can't hurt
our hands.

We're jazz musicians.
Oh, you are?

That's really amazing.
A couple of lady killers,
huh?

What happened
to your eye?

Don't worry about it.

It's a good thing.

[shouts]
Jesus!

Whoa.

Do I know you?
I'm Henry.

Buck was right.
You are gorgeous.

Thank you.

He said you had
a friend Clark
that I should meet?

Hey, Henry is great, right?
Sophisticated, artistic
and shit.

How are you, Henry?
This is
not funny, Buck.

You should have
warned him.
What?

Am I not his type?

He likes women.

[laughing]

Clark?
Clark does?
Yeah, he does.

Sorry, guys.
Can't help you there.

You're such a boy.

[playing jazz]

[cheering]

Dude, you suck balls.

Yeah, you wish.
No, that's not right.

Nice comeback, sweetness.
[laughing]

You've got the time?
The time?
I don't even have a--

If it weren't for my precious
musician hands, I would have
brought the thunder.

You pissed your pants.

Dammit.
Hey.

There's no crying
at my bar, bitches.

Oh, my God.
I am crying.

All right, uh,
you're right.

Can I have
a Belvedere Vodka
with lemon drop?

No.

I prefer an Appletini
if that's all right.

No?
Okay, I'll just
have this.

[clears throat]

What is this?
You need help.
This is it.

What is?
There are rules.

Midnight.
No girls.
One night offer.

Don't talk about it.
You follow?

No, I don't.
It's the answer
to your problems.

Am I the only one seeing this?
What's with the black eye?

Pete.
Sammy.

What's up, buddy?

It's the tow-truck guy.

Hey.
Do you follow?

Not even a little bit.

Man up.

Ah!

(Benjamin)
What is this camp?
Camp is for kids.

(Karl)
What the hell is Man Camp
supposed to be anyway?

This is what the address
was on the thing.

Excuse me, sir.
Can you please state
your name, age and shoe size.

Sorry, sorry,
we're just looking.
Shoe size.

What?
Um, 13.

Smaller than I thought.
Teresa?

Hey, guys,
what's going on?

What?
I have a job.
I'm not an heiress.

You moonlight
as a security guard?
Yup.

For what?
What goes on in there?

Oh, I don't know.
That's guys stuff.
I'm just hired help.

What's the password?
Try to keep up here, hoss.
Sorry.

Stinky pickle fingers.

Just going to put that
right in your mouth.

That was--
That was awesome.

Keep up, girl scouts.

She ate it.
Come on.

Let's go,
let's go.
Arms up.

What's up?
You got any
drugs on you?

No.

I'm very ticklish.
I'm sorry.

That'll do.

Gentlemen.
Welcome.

To what?

(Karl)
Okay, let's just--
Just keep calm.

Wait, wait wait.
Hold me, hold me.
Hold you?

Oh, my gosh.
Oh, God, there's animals.

I hear like a jungle
or something.

Why is there a monkey?
Is that a monkey?

It's locked.

Help!
Help!
Help!

I'm hit.
I'm hit.

Hit?
You're hit
with what?

[groaning]

Holy shit.
Run.

Run?
Just leave him?

[girl screaming]

[chuckles]

You feel that fear?

Feel that adrenaline?

That's a good thing.

Buck?

Here I am
no longer Buck.

I am the Beast.

What?
Welcome
to the hunt, boys.

This is Man Camp.

I feel like Martin Sheen
in Apocalypse Now.

"I feel like Martin Sheen
in Apocalypse Now ."

[gunshots]

[groaning]
Quiet.

Here's Luke.

(Clark)
What is hap--
You tranq'd Karl.

Did you see that shot?
Right in the jugular.

Nailed him.

For small game.

Like a wild bore
or something.
He's good.

He's not good.
Wild bores are
like 800 pounds.

He's definitely not good.
And the Beast?

Who calls themselves
the Beast?

It's a cool nickname
I gave myself.

It's ridiculous.
No, it's not.

(Karl shouting]

He needs a doctor.

He's good.
He's not good.

(Buck)
Shut up.

Sammy and Pete
just graduated.
You are the new recruits.

Why help us?
Even Helen Keller
had a miracle worker.

You're really offensive.
You're an ape.

Clark, if you and your
little weaner-sniffer friends
can turn into men,

it could be
profitable for you.

Weaner-sniffers?
Yeah.

Other cultures have rites
of passage for manhood.

Rumspringa,

bat mitzvahs,
quinceaneras,

where they gather
courage and confidence.

(Karl)
Those are for girls.

But not here,

where the gender lines
are almost negligible
thanks to v-necks,

vegetarians,
skinny jeans,
vajazzling.

(Luke)
You're all here
for different reasons.

But you all
share one thing.

Fear.

You're out there alone
raised on Glee,
Grey's Anatomy,

[groans]
Destiny's Child.

(Buck)
Pete, Pete.

Take Sammy for example.
He was depressed.

I was once
an accountant.

Timid and bullied.

And addicted to porn.

We found him a group
therapy at the YMCA,
and look at him now.

But not anymore.

Not anymore.

Most of these pictures
are pictures of men's butts

Exactly.
or men touching
each other.

(Benjamin)
Did you get fired?
No, I did not.

Excellent.

All men should also know
a few basic fundamentals.
How to fire a gun.

How to effectively execute
more than just the missionary
position.

Fundamentals?

And all men should
be able to take a punch
in the face.

Tastes good, don't it?

[Buck shouting]

All right.
You're choice, boys.

Go home
and stay cowards,

sucking the teats
of failure and insecurity.

Or come back tomorrow night
and join the brotherhood.

The Beast
will make you fearless.

[grunting]

The teat of failure?
Seriously, Beast?

Ow. I thought
you said there weren't
any women in Man Camp.

We're not sexist,
just secretive.
First rule
of Man Camp is--

The first rule of Man Camp
is that we don't say the first
rule of Man Camp

is that we don't talk
about Man Camp.

What?
Can we just
take it down a notch?

You join us,
we own you for a week.

I think I'm just
going to be going.

Listen, it costs me
a week's pay

and my balls are just now
growing back, but Man Camp
saved my life.

(Clark)
Wasted time.

No way.
Insane.

Nothing will get me
back there.

[muffled moaning]

(Clark)
I'm doing crosswords
while he has sex with Lucia.

Athletic those two, huh?

Yeah, but why Buck?

She has us
for the talk
and the comfort ,

and she uses him
for something else.

Faster, Buck.
Yeah.

Yeah, that's it.

[speaking Portuguese]

Harder, yes.

[smash]

Oh, God.
Ugh.

I'm not paying for that.
[grunts]

(Clark)
And that's the moment
I decided on Man Camp.

Hey.

[grunts]

Oh.

Woo!
(Clark)
What an ass.

Oh, my gosh.
You look fantastic.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Whoa.
So, do you like it?

Not sure I have
the tits for this.

Come on.
For sure
you have it.

Really?
Don't move.
I think this will help.

It feels
a little tingly.
Yeah?

It's also
a little arousing.

Are you serious?

We must keep up
with the competition.

But I am not going
near that thing.

God made me
almost hairless,
like a...

like a seal.

[barking]

(Monica)
Clark, heads or tails?

How's the manscape?

Uh, cool and comfortable
down below, thanks.

Mm, I could use
a touch up.

Ooh, let Clark help.
He could use the education.

Hey, I have had
my share of waxed

pub...vaginas.

Mm-hm.
Clark hasn't had pussy
since a pussy had him.

Move your asses.

Don't let go.
It burns.

Go, you pussy.

I can't let go.
Don't let go.

You guys are going to need
to be able to talk enough
sports bullshit

to not sound
like total idiots.

Hans, help me out.
Basketball.

Get in to paint.
Box out.

[All]
Get in to paint.
Box out.

Hockey.
Come on, give me
the power play.

Come on, give me
the power play.

Oh, I think
that's a hernia.
Baseball.

Seeing eye,
ground ball.

Seeing eye,
ground ball.

Hail Mary getting
in the dead zone.

Son of a bitch.

What kind
of a name is that?

I was adopted, but
my mother was Chinese.
Named me Hui.

Which means
nasty ass meany?

Ah.
No.

It means kindness.
And that's the moment
when Benjamin fell in love.

(Buck)
Stick with it, Karl.

(Benjamin)
I'm going to throw up.
I'm going to throw up.

When it comes
to a woman's
undergarments,

I cannot stress it enough
you need to know the names,

styles, and hardware
of all kinds.

Karl, get in there.

Let's get that bra off.

Benji, can I borrow
your pocket knife?
Try not to use
a knife if at all possible.

Clark, get in there.

I feel like
I would ask permission.
Can I take her other arm off?

Don't. No.
Just leave it on.

If she has one arm,
just leave it on.

Ben, get in there.

I like that a lot.

When you fail,

you chop.

(Benjamin)
I could have used this
on your bra.

All wood must be split
by the end of the week

working together
as men.

Take a few cuts.

["Lumberjack" playing]

What the hell
are you doing, Benjamin?

I don't know.
It's fun.

You swing
like my mother.

Wrong end, Benjamin.
Bring it back.

What are you doing?
Hit it harder.

[thump]

Let's hit the showers.
Showers?

[groans]

You're all right, Karl?
Yeah.

I'm going
to need some aloe.
I'm actually okay.

Yeah, I didn't bring
my showering underwear.

Everyone showers.

If you can't get naked
in front of your bros,

how are you going
to feel comfortable bare-ass
in front of the hoes?

What?
It's okay to look.
Relax.

Be a man.
I'm a man.
Do you have to stare?

It's not bad.

I like to air dry.

[chuckles]

You saw that, right?
No.

Welcome to Buck's world.
Don't apologize.

It's quite
the amusement park.

[blows]

What is the worst thing
I could do to you right now?
Grab your junk?

Please, ah--

Is it that bad?
Is it bad?

Let go, man.
What the hell, man?

That was way
over the line, dude.

Do not--

All right, look,
women are tricky,

and I've been
wounded bad.

I'll take
the trap home.

Like in war?
No, like in marriage.

War, bear traps
and hunting.

I mean, these things
are totally foreign to me.

I've never even
been in a fight.

What the hell?
Hey.
[laughs]

Don't worry, all right?
You want a woman?

You've got
everything you need
to hook to woogit, okay?

You just need
to stop waiting

for everyone else
to approve of the Clarkster.

All right?

You know what you need?

You got to bring
the frigging Clark juice.

Can you do that?
Can you do that?

What are you
talking about?
Can you do that?

You got to bring her
the frigging juice, man.

You got to bring
the frigging juice.
What?
Okay.

Ok-Okay, okay.

You know, you think
I don't know my way
around women, but I do.

Clark, I'm sorry.
We were just teasing.

What is it?
Stop it.

What are you doing?
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.

I do think
you're sexy.
Uh, it's--

You know, Clark,
I know you have
a thing for Lucia,

but this
isn't going to help.

Wait, you do?
Yes.

What happened
to the women
you've dated?

I don't know.
Found out I played
the clarinet.

You know, I was always told
that women don't go in for all
this hyper male stuff.

But then again I was
in the friend zone
constantly.

I'm sorry
I kissed you.

Don't be.

Listen...fast
isn't what women want.

You need
to slow things
way down.

More like melting eyes.

Wow, nice--
We don't all want
our men tough, see?

Lucia does.
Look at Buck.

Her ideals have a lot
to do with the men
she grew up with.

Not always good.

Like?
Like a lot
of bad boy friends.

And then of course,
her father.

A lot of fun, fighter,
a popular man's man.

Sounds cool.

He was
until he divorced.
Dated a lot of girls.

In the end,
gored to death
in Barretos.

Gored?
Like by a bull?

That takes care
of the liver problem.

Anyway,
he left her dead broke.
That's why we left Rio.

That's why she stopped
shooting photos.

I didn't know.

Hey.

You better go to bed.
You look awful.

Well, these nights
have been pretty punishing.

We are the Beasts.
Blood thirsty.

Here comes our prey
approaching the waterhole.

What do you think
of when you see two women
at the bar like this?

Uh, sadness,
broken dreams,

community college,
human papilloma virus.

You're pathetic.
Okay, what
do you see?

I see nipples
like bing cherries.
Areolas like silver dollars.

A woogit lagoon
of creamy sweetness.

Say hello to them.

What the fuck was that?
Are you a club scout?

I'm warming them up.
To sell them Tagalongs
and Thin Mints?

Look, I don't want
to be a playa.

What are you looking for?
You're looking for a couple
more Facebook friends?

Make one of these gals
your good pal?

Drive them to the airport
or something like that?

Look at these women.

They are vulnerable,
yet curious.

Show them that
you could eat them.

Make them your snack.

Go for it.

Ooh.

How does that feel?
That's okay.
That was nice.

Good girl.
Hi.

Sorry about that.

This is Ellie.
Hi, Ellie.
How are you?

I have some other kids.
Oh.

You have
human children.

Good girl.

She pooped.
Thank you.

You can put that
right over there.
Thank you.

There is no
garbage, so...

Oh, let's go.

[dog barking]

(Buck)
Let's get you home.

This is not cool, man.
You didn't like her?

No, she's got kids.
She was
your snack, Clarky.

How does Lucia feel
about your snacking?
Hey.

You worry about how
to deal with girls when
you have a girl to deal with.

And I love Lucia, all right?
She's the greatest.

But you cannot deny
human nature.

Can't you?
How about a little
self-restraint?

Self-restraint is
your exact problem, man.

You're as tight
as a tampon.
I'm not a feminine
hygiene product.

You say you want
to be with women,
but I don't believe you, man.

I don't believe you.
You don't even try.

I just don't want
to be with that woman.
Get off of me, man.

Okay, look,
I don't know
how to do this.

I was raised by my mom.
I spent my childhood sweeping
floors in her salon

chatting with her
girlfriends.

I've never hung out
with dudes before.

But now you are.

Is it always this
homo erotic?
And listen,
all right?

I think Lucia
may be the one
for me, for real.

She's hot and smart
and a great lay.

Oh, that's
really touching.

Again with the closeness.

You say anything to her
about this little flirtation,

and I will bust
your jaw.

Okay?

And...big breath.

Ow.
Oh.

You okay?
Mm.

Put some of this on it?

Why not?
Okay.

It's the price of beauty.

And you have hands
like Botticelli.

And you are emerging
as my Italian goddess.

The birth of Venus.

Somebody bring me
a clam shell.

Better.

(Lucia)
Ei, bom dia.

Bom dia.
Wow, you look
beautiful as always.

Thank you.

Oh, man, what have you
been doing, huh?
You look tired.

I was out late night
doing man stuff.

Okay, got you.
Party boy.

I would never tell.

No problem.
I can clean you up
right now.

Don't clean me up too much.
Leave me a little dirty.

I know it.
Women love it, huh?

(Clark)
Oh shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit.

Yes, they do.
[laughs]

Clark, Clark, calm down.
It looks like you're making
a nest for a small animal.

I'm sorry.
I'm just a little
distracted.

You light up
like a Christmas tree
when you look at her.

I wanted her to notice me
as more than just a friend.

Hey, when you were
just a little boy
and kind and curious,

your mom and I
used to say you were
a prince amongst thieves.

I was always stealing stuff
out of your purses.

Just mostly
weird tampons
and stuff in there.

She'd be lucky
to have you.

(Buck)
Every man needs to know
how to drive stick.

Otherwise how are you going
to roll up in a Porsche,
in a Ferrari?

You think James Bond
drives an automatic?

He doesn't.

Come on.

Give them what
you got, Clark.

[thump]

Come on.

Get out.

Get out!

What are you doing?

Hey!

[wolf howling]

Clark.

Just once I wish
you'd get here on time.

Oh, uh, sorry.

What's going on?

I'm just looking
for my cat.

Wendell?
Pst, past, past, pst.

Have you seen him?

No, I think
he's not here.

Come in.

Hey, nice PJ's.
I like it.

I didn't mean
to wake you.
No, it's okay.

It's nice knowing
you are always here,
that you keep an eye on me.

Why don't you show them?
They're lovely.

It's not so easy.

It was my life
on the sand,
in the water.

It was a good time.

But now, Brazil and I,
we share only memories.

No Buck tonight?
Uh-uh.

He spends
late nights at home.

At least
I think he does.

Yeah, probably
a night owl, too.

You know,
surfing the web.
Midnight jogger.

Nothing to be
suspicious about,
I don't think.

Hm.
Am I silly
to worry?

No.
No, you're not.

But I'm not sure
he deserves you.

You and Monica
think the same way.

Yeah, he's a loose gun,
I know.

I little bit crazy,
but I love that
about him.

Right, got you.
Okay.

Well, if he's
your kind of crazy,
you should know this.

Buck might act
like a player,

but he wants you.

Definitely wants you.

Nice.

Thanks, Clark.

Good night.
Good night.

Sleep tight.

Thank you.
Sleep tight.

Field trip boys,
tonight we role play.

You're going to want
to know your fashion basics.

Christian Louboutin,
Marc Jacobs.

Girls like
that kind of stuff.

Anything colorful
is an invitation,
all right?

See right there?
That is a front clasp.

You can spring those babies
right at the entry gate.
No fuss.

See, that is
a push up demi.

There is little frills
on the top.
Very nice.

What you're going to want
to look for is like a V-string,
or a jackpot.

Boom, a thong.
Stop doing that.
Okay.

Single and available.

Look for newly
shaven legs,
gym toned, pedicure.

Any ink is good,
all right?

She wants to be noticed.
Show her what you got.

What, now?

Hello.

Hi.

Would you like
to have sex with me?

Um--

Hey.

So, how are you?

You look good.

Teresa, has anyone
ever just sat silently
and--

That was working.

Everything I need to know
about her is right here.

Ms. Greygoose.
Two olives.

What is, Dior,
Estee Lauder?

What are we calling
this tint here?

Plum fatale?
Vixen?

I have no idea,
but I am impressed.

You put that on your mouth
and you don't know what
its name is?

I put a lot of things
in my mouth that I don't know
the name of.

She's playing
a role, right?

I want to do that.

What does smoking
and drinking have
to do with being a man?

Don't be stupid.
All right, I'll call.

That means
we're done.

Let's see them.

Read them and weep.

Yeah, you got nothing.

Suck on that,
bitches.
All right.

Hey.
Hey, where
are you going, Clarky?

I'm going home.

Are you okay?
I hate you, man.

That's fair.
You don't deserve--
You don't deserve her.

You all right?

Uh--
Little baby bird.

I'm not
a baby bird.
Shut up.

I'm saying you look
like a baby bird.
Shut up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[vomiting]

Not going to hold
your hair, Clarky.

Don't touch me.

I can walk.
Okay.

Okay, that's the wall.

Let's go.
I got it.

Good work.
Don't--

You like to touch
the butt a lot.

[Clark singing]
That's not a real song.

I can drive.

We're here.
You may not
come inside.

Come on,
come on.
[babbling]

Where are you taking me?
Come on.

I need a rape whistle.

Shh, keep it down.
You're going to wake
Lucia up.

You're going
to wake Lucia up.

You smell the way
puke tastes.

Oh, I farted.
I farted.

That's a good one.
That's a real man.
[laughing]

No, you--

Where are your keys?
No.
No means no, mister.

No, I need it.

What the hell
is up with your shoe?
I hate your face.

Oh, come on, Buck.

Easy there, tiger.

You are a hair dresser,
not a serial killer.

You know, maybe
I don't have this
mythic man juice, fine.

But I have this.
I do this well.

Yeah, yeah, you do.

And why do you do this?

Cut hair.
What makes you
great at this?

I don't know.
Don't give me that.
Yes, you do.

I guess I help people
find this new story
of themselves.

You know, like find
those little pieces
hidden inside them

that they don't even
realize they have,

that make them,
I don't know,
better?

Whatever.
Yeah.

And maybe that is
the juice to you, kiddo.

Helping people
to be better versions
of themselves.

It's for the prom.

[Brazilian music]

I look peaked.

Wow, it's a good look.

[wolf howling]

Buck.
Buck.

Clark?

[speaking Portuguese]

Yo.

(Buck)
Teresa.

Now, I don't know--

Such an asshole.

Yeah, go
get them, tiger.

(Hui)
Come on, move it.

(Teresa)
Looking good,
little guy.

Lucia?
Save it.
I know.

Hey, babe.
What the hell
is this place?

It's Man Camp.
It's a secret.

I'm so fucking stupid.
Come on,
that's fine.

Don't touch me.

Holy fucking shit.

Teresa?
Unbelievable.
Lucia.

Please, don't say
it was nothing, okay?
It's never nothing.

Hey, don't be silly.
Silly?

No.
You know what?

My dad taught me
a little bit about men.

About defending yourself,
you know?

Oh, yeah,
that's the stuff.

(Clark)
Why me?
You're supposed
to know better.

I do.
I'm sorry.
I know not to trust.

I know that most boys
don't grow up.

So, I expected this
from Buck, not from you.

I didn't--

You said Buck
wanted me more than
he wanted to play around.

You lied to me.

He does.
He-He did.
Bullshit.

Lucia, wait.
We're done, okay?

Cool down.
Slut.

Okay, look, I get it.
I broke the girl code.
That's my bad.

Go to hell.
What did you think
was going to happen?

You're early.

He was single, 35,
never married, kind.

He even paid for dinner.

I'd date that guy.
What's wrong with him?

I don't know.

Just...made me sleepy.

And you?

You look ridiculous.

What?
Oh.

Lucia popped me.

Lucia told me.

Man Camp?
Seriously?

What you need
is person camp,

and don't be
a douche camp.

I know you have
a thing for Lucia.

Why didn't you come to me?
I could've helped you.

How?

I am a girl.
I know the secrets.

There are secrets?

You don't know
Lucia that well.
Why?

She likes trouble.
She always has.

She likes amor
a primera vista
y después

se acabó.

God bless you.

I didn't understand
what you just said.
Beach love.

Bitch love?
Beach love.

The infatuation,
the passion.

Yeah.
It's what they call here
summer love, you know?

I think we call it
beach love, too.

Or bitch love.

Clark...look at me
in the eye and pretend
I'm Lucia.

Come on, show me
what you feel.
No, I'm good.

Oh, come on.
Man up, man up.

Okay.

I-I've been thinking
that maybe--

Oh, stop.
You need to be direct.

You need to be honest.

Consider the kiss.

Make the first touch
a work of art.

Mm?

I'm wrecked by you.
Can't sleep, can't eat.

That's good.
That's very good.

You're a Renoir.

Those liquid eyes,
those red lips,

make me want
to consume you.

Sorry, got a little
mushy there at the end.

No, mushy is good.
Mushy is really good.

It is?
Yeah.

Yeah, it's good.

(Clark)
Whoa, this is unexpected.

Oh, shit.
What?
It's weird, right?

Yeah, so weird.
Should I, um--

Yeah, I think maybe
you should go.

Go?
Like stop.
Like stop.

Oh, man,
big mistake.
Big mistake.

Oh, God.
Oh, God.

I let the big dog out.

[laughs]
Not so big.
What?
No?

It's like
a Bichon Frise.
It's-It's--

What do you mean?
It's like a good,
decent--

Clark, I'm teasing.
I'm teasing.

It's good.

Oh, God, I feel
like I slept
with my cousin.

Oh, like Luke Skywalker
and Princess Leah.
Exactly.

Friends?
Yeah?

(Lucia)
Mon.

What the fuck?
You two had sex?

No.
Yes.

We did too-ish.
I was inside her.
Don't explain it.

Why?
And how was she, Clark?

So good.
So much intercourse.

Oh, we postponed it.
We took a rain check.
No.

So then, this is going
to happen another time?

No.
Probably.

We were play-acting.

With our naked bodies.

[speaking Portuguese]

Hey, speak
English, please.

[speaking Portuguese]

Hey!

Nothing happened.

Why do you care
so much anyway?

Shit.

First Buck and now this?
Porra, ta foda.

I'm sorry, I swear.
I didn't think you would
make such a big deal.

I'm sorry.

But you have Buck.
No, I don't.

I told you, Mon.
He's screwing around.

We are not together anymore.

Well, I'm sorry.

No.
No, it's okay.

I overreacted.
I'm sorry.

This was weird.
Yeah, it's--

I don't--
I mean, I didn't ever think
of Clark like this.

So weird.

Then maybe you should.

You tell Lucia
about those other
girls at the bar?

No.
Put the knife down.
I don't get it.

You cheated on her.
Hey, Teresa
came on to me.

It was nothing
like exercise.
That's horrible.

Oh, really?
You know, this whole women
as wounded wildebeests thing,

it's fine if you're a lion
thinning out the herd, but
you're a reprobate, man.

I don't even know
what that means.

This whole rakish,
horndog cliche,
it's lame.

I'm going
to lose her, Clark.
I need your help.

The Beast.
The Beast
needs my help?

No, I do, all right?

You do this thing
where you actually
listen to women,

make sense of what
they're feeling.

Shocking, right?

Lucia talks about you
like the History Channel.

Like some commentary
on President Lincoln or
the first flight to the moon.

She admires you.

Dammit, you--

You really
want to change?

If it means
keeping Lucia, yeah.

Will you help me?

If it's going
to save Lucia from more
heartbreak, yeah.

All right.
Uh...

Lesson number one.

You have to care more
about her than yourself.

That sounds tough,
but okay.

Lesson number two.

Come here.
Don't grab my jacket.

Just come here.
What are you--
What?

Come here.
What are you doing?

Come here.
You feel this?

Feel it?
Yeah.

This is what
it feels like
to be vulnerable.

To care.
I don't like it.

Throw that over.
I don't like it.

I understand
you don't like it.

Now who is being
homo erotic?
Who did I learn it from?

It's a friendship hug.

Bring it in.

Let's not ever
fucking do that again.

See?
That's what you got
to work on, man.

What?
How did that
get in there?

I realize now that
you must alter your central
suppositions about women.

Women are not just
some external set
of anatomical assets.

Vulva, mons pubis,

labia, majora, minora,

taint, teats, yes.

This is how
you see women.

As twirling objects
to be captured.
Yes.

That is a very
narrow-minded puerile
view of the opposite sex.

I'm going to re-wire
that caveman brain.

Breasts are functional.
They can be used
for sustenance.

What?
Why?

Okay, well, they are
not always going to be
young and vital.

Actually,
that's kind of hot.
I'm feeling suicidal.
Will you hand me a gun?

These people are women.

Including...Lucia.

Hey.

In what universe
is this possible?

Dr. Tarantin was nice enough
to lend me these instructional
birthing slides.

Ugh.
It's the Lincoln tunnel.

Oh, fuck.
Make it stop.

Open your eyes.

I think
she's crowning.

Lord, have mercy.

That's it.
Let it all out.
Let it all out, buddy.

This is going to help you
see Lucia as a real person,
not just as a conquest.

Look at this.
From Buck.

I don't think so.
What a joke.

Come on, give me
a break.

Really, really?
This is you doing
your best?

Helping someone else
get the girl you love?

Lucia still loves him.
She doesn't even see me.

I don't have a chance.
She's like blinded by Buck.

Okay, that
is a load of shit.

Roman.
Roman, stop.
What are you--

No, this is tough
salon love, my friend.

Your mother
taught me this.

Do you feel that?
Fighting for breath
for life?

Let me up.

What the hell?
Look at me.

I am old.

And this happens
to everyone.

So, be sure
before it is just you
and your grinder app.

Because you have to live
with your choices,

and maybe, just maybe
you know Lu better than
she knows herself.

She doesn't
want me, Roman.

Isn't it obvious?

She wants
a strong man,
a bull.

Maybe.

But love is a dance,

and the bull
wins easily

if he has
no matador.

You're an idiot.
Ow.

(Clark)
As idiotic
as Man Camp was

it did get me thinking
about what it means
to be a true man

or a true anyone.

Clark.
Wake up, buddy.

Congrats, you did it.

I am the matador.

You are delirious.
Come on, I'll get you
to the hospital.

No, I'm okay.
What are you doing here, man?
Man Camp is over.

I'm in love with her.

Oh.
You mean with Lucia?

[laughing]
Dude.

This camp was not
for you to get somebody
like Lucia.

It was just to help you
to stop being such
a total wuss.

She threw
the flowers out.
Yeah, bad idea.
Your idea.

You don't love her.
Not really, and you
don't know her.

Whatever.
All right?
She wants me.

You're not going
to change that.
Son of a bitch.

[laughing]

You can't win, Clark.
I'm five times the man
you are.

Not anymore.

There you go.

That's some breakfast.

(Hans)
Come back later.

[woman]
Let me in.

Girl trouble?
Oh, you have no idea.

Me, too.

It was a good week
with the boys.
It was.

Nice job.
Thank you.

Yeah, way to go.

Guys.

I need your help.

Oh, shit.

Go away.
I don't want
to talk, okay?

Good morning.

Lucia, I'm sorry.
I screwed up.

I don't want to talk.

Please listen.
I'm desperate.

I can't sleep,
I can't eat.

You know, apart
from these croissants...

É muito cara
de pau é inacreditável,
muito filha da puta.

No idea what that means
but I completely agree.

I am an ass,
and I'm sorry.

Get out of here, Buck.
I don't want to hear
all this bullshit.

What's it going to take?

Give me a chance,
Lucia, please.

I know I've been a jerk,
but I can see now that
you are the only one for me.

Come on.
How can I believe you?

How can you live
without us?

Side by side we are
so gorgeous together.

Let's have a bite

and we'll talk
about it, okay?

We'll take a drive
to the beach.
I have to work.

You don't have to work.
I will take care of you.

Okay?
Just me and you
and me together.

I want you to be more than
anything I've ever had.
To be family.

You should go, Buck.

Go.

But leave
the croissants.

[knocking on door]
Lucia?

Oh, Buck.

[exhales]

It will be great.
We made a deal.
Just talk.

Just talk, okay?
Let's talk.

I want to fly to,
I'm going to take you
places, okay?

I don't know what
I'm doing here.
I'm so stupid.

We'll go everywhere together.
Baby, please, come on.

You're such a boy, stop it.
What are you doing?

I want to take you
on so much more
than a vacation.

Okay, what do you mean?

What?

Look, it's nothing
I haven't seen before.

Okay, well, last time
you saw it, not such
a good reaction.

Are you sure about this?

Front hedge
needs a trim.

Okay, but go
when I tell you.
Oh, wow.

What?
I don't think I can machete
through this jungle.

Stop it, stop it.
It's like a grass field.
Please.

[blows]
Okay.

[shaking]

Are you sure about this?
Big night tonight.

You have to count.
Okay.

Okay, uno.
Uno, dos.
Dos.

No, I'll count down
from 37, okay?
No, no.

Thirty-six.
Two.

Thirty-five.
Go.

[whining]

Please, don't
do it again.

One.

[crying]

Oh, you're okay.

I don't want it anymore.

Put it back.
I feel like
crying, too.

It's not good.
I can't maneuver.

Stay on target.
It's too close.

Stay on target.
Loosen up.

[making laser sounds]

Gentlemen,
these are not toys.

Gold Five to Red leader,
lost Tiree, lost Dutch.

Hey, watch it.
Sorry, sorry.

Okay, again, it is not
that I don't appreciate it,
but how can you afford this?

Oh, I can't.

El matador.

[no audible dialog]

Why are we dressed up
like this, Mon?
What is going on?

It's a surprise.

Oh, my gosh.

Clark did all this?

Who else?

(Clark)
Hey, Lucia.

Clark.

I can't believe it.

Thank you.

It's so thoughtful.

It's completely
overwhelming.
Sorry.

I thought you might be
ready to show them,

but that you need
a little push.

Yeah, perhaps.

But I'm not sure
if I knew it before.

Thank you, Clark.
Thank you so much.

Thank you
for all of this.

I think you're right.

I see you
in these, Lucia.

You and Monica,
you guys,

you two are like
family to me.

Family?
Yeah.

Lucia, what is
all this?

I took-I took those photos,
and Clark did all
of this for me.

Clark, huh?

Did you tell him?

No, Buck,
I don't want to--
Tell me what?

No, please.
Dude, we're going
to get--

Please.

Going to get--
Clark.

Oh, shit.

Porra, Buck.
What?

Roman, what's up?
I'm not even attracted
to you anymore.

Yeah, right.

I can pay another month's
rent and you'll find
a new roommate.

You can't just leave.

I can't kick Lucia out,
and I can't be around her,
not like this.

I have to go.

Dude, this is not over.

We're going
to go kick his ass.
Are you coming?

I appreciate
what you're doing,
but I'm really--

Excuse me.

Excuse me,
are you looking
for Lucia?

Are you Clark Dormer?
Yes, I am.
Can I help you?

A bartender named Pete
told me you'd know how
to reach Buick?

Buick?
Yeah.

You know him
as Buck I imagine.

He drops the "I" along
with everything else
of lasting value.

I'm his wife, Cindy.

Excuse these two.
I'm sorry.

Hi, I'm Clark.
Did you say wife?

He's ducking me
as always.
What's this?

The IRS has issued a levy
on back taxes for something
called Man Camp.

They could seize the bar,
and I won't let that happen.
You won't?

No, because I own
half of it.

I will.
Uh, thank you.
It's very nice to--

Oh, my God,
this is going
to crush her.

Dude, Cindy
is totally his wife.
We could ruin him.

Call Lucia, man.
Right now.

I don't know, guys.

What would
a real man do?

[whispers]
Crush him.

Don't bother.
I know why you're here.
I already saw Cindy.

You're just going
to lie to Lucia again?
Break her heart?

Hey, asshole,
cool it.

You want
to dance, Clarky?

[bones crack]
Let's dance.

Okay, it's over,
it's over.

No, I lost.
I lost Lucia to you.
You're wrong.

What happened?

I proposed but then Cindy
talked to Lucia.
It's over.

You're still married, man.
I can't believe you didn't tell
Lucia that yourself.

Cindy and I
are separated.
We're divorcing.

It's almost through
the courts but it's--
It's way over.

It's not way over.
It's not over till
it's over, Buck.

Where is she?

I don't know.
I bought her
two tickets to Rio.

Told her I loved her.
She threw it all back
in my face.

Look, I learned
a lot from you, Buck.

But you can't be a man
if you don't grow up.

Tell the one
you love the truth.
I know.

I'm probably not
the best thing for her.

I thought
you loved her.

I want her.

Not the same.
No.

We're different animals,
but you're all right.

You could
have called Lucia
and ratted me out.

I came here first.
Like a man.

Like a man.

(Lucia)
Clark, when I came to L.A.
I was trying to escape,

looking for an adventure.

I was kind of lost,
needing strength
and protection.

And you helped me, Clark,

to see that's not enough
and that's not love.

I think
I must learn first
how to be on my own

to find my way back
to what's true and lasting
from myself.

Where's Clark?

Ah.
I'm here.

But Roman,

I'm going to need
some time off.

Olé.

Ow.
You suck at this.

Awesome.

You're glowing.

It must be
the sweet acaÃ.
Yeah.

Have you heard
from Lucia?

No.
Radio silence.

She doesn't answer
her cell phone.

Do you know this beach?
It's in a lot of her photos.

Praia do Toque.
Beautiful.

You go through a small crack
in a volcano wall.

Praia do Toque.

["Era Uma Vez" playing]

(Clark)
I still
don't know women.

Not really.

But I know what I want,
and I know what kind of man
I want to be.

Lucia.

How did you find me?
I didn't tell anyone
I would be here.

In your note you said
you needed to remember
what's true,

and I thought
of your photos.

They always seemed
like the truest part
of you.

But I also said
I needed some time alone.

I know.
I can wait.

You don't need to.

Come here.
What?

Where are we going?

["Era Uma Vez" continues]

Isn't that sweet?

Henry.
Isn't that sweet?

Hey, be careful
out there you two.
Not too far out.

Henry, I am wilting.
Let's take a dip?

Oh, and I am going
to need more of these.

[laughing]

Here I am no longer Buck.

It's coming,
it's coming.
Here it comes.

Here--

I'm good.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

[laughter]

[Man]
Second sticks.

Your choice, boys.
Go home and stay
cowards,

continuing to suck
the teats of failure
and insecurity.

Can I have a sip
of your drink?

Sure, go ahead.
Your lips were
on this, right?

Okay, yeah.

It's good.
It's acaÃ
from Brazil.

A lot of energy.
I like things
from Brazil.

Yeah, I can see.

[laughter]

That's disgusting.

Nice pussy.
His name
is Wendell.

I meant Lucia.
Ow.

When you fail,
you chop.

So happy.

[laughter]

[Director]
Cut.

I think I saw
on the news--

I'm pretty sure
it was your dad.

He was robbing a bank of stars.
There were stars
in the bank.

Fuck you.

[laughter]

Okay, okay,
okay, okay.

Has anyone ever
just sat silently

and openly
pleasured themselves?

[laughing]

I never noticed
this before,

but your ears
are too small
for your head.

Yes.

No, it's like a sparse
Alaskan forest.

I see monsters here.
What?

I see them.
Thank you
for the compliment.

You're leaving soon.
No, don't go till--
I'm going to count down.

You're touching it.
I have to touch it.

Play acting.
With our
naked bodies.

[speaking Portuguese]

Hey!

(Hui)
Ow.

I'm so sorry.
Why are you sorry?
That's the scene.

Okay, I really
hurt you.