All language subtitles for Dead.Pigeon.on.Beethoven.Street.1973.720p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

- That's why I don't
understand how he let himself

get set up as a dead pigeon.

- I understand it better.

- Don't you speak any English?

A dead pigeon is somebody who can't win.

A born loser.

- Ah.

- I don't understand why
homicide turned me over to you.

You're a customs man,
aren't you, Mr. Kressin?

- I want two minutes with
the bastard who shot him.

- No.

- What do you mean, I can't see him?

I've got a right to see him if I want to.

Well at least you can tell me his name.

- Sandy.

- It's as real as that corpse.

- You've seen him before?

- You know it's Johnson.

What the hell are you getting at?

- That's right, he was my partner.

- Get the what?

- Heroin?

- Umhm.

- Johnson was a private detective.

I'm going to be in your hair
until the case is closed.

- In my business, it's called Top Secret.

Now, I intend to pick up the pieces,

and I don't want any interference.

Well, that's the case I'm working on.

Diplomatic blackmail.

His party is putting him
up for the coming election.

- Yeah, but he'll never sleep
in the goddamn White House

if that picture hits the papers.

- See the problem.

- Hm?

- I don't know her name.

- Well I agree.

But he's also a married man.

And voters are a narrow-minded breed.

- Oh, that's a strawberry
birthmark on her thigh.

- Oh!

- Hey.

- I beg your pardon.

- That photo has cost the
Senator $100,000 up to now,

and they're going to
collect $25,000 every month,

right up to election.

- They'll ask for the
White House, all right,

unless he cuts his
throat in the Blue Room.

- It's too dangerous.

- A lot of people in the
FBI think he's too liberal.

His political enemies would
splice that photo all over

the front page.

And a hell of a lot of
the press is against him.

He's a dirty word to them.

- A socialist.

- Umhm.

- Well, I just broke the
protocol of a private eye.

I told you what I was working on.

Now do I get a crack at the killer?

- I always wanted to see
Hansford Bowmen in action.

- Officer?

- Well, what do you want?

- Take the other corner.

- Wasn't anybody there to give me a hand.

The goddamn railroad
station was a graveyard.

Three hundred trains, um...

pass through every day, every day.

- You got your signals switched.

- No, no, no.

The only station in Germany.

- I don't care if Duke
Ellington played there.

- What have you got on the killer?

- No Social Security.

- No credit cards.

- No driver's license.

- Not even a draft dodger card.

- What about prints.

- No, not Prince, prints, fingerprints.

Fingerprints!

- Ah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see, I see.

No prints, no.

I haven't them.

- What's the name of the killer?

- Nietzsche.

- That's more like it!

Now what's the bastard's full name?

You know?

No, no, no, no, no.

Charlie Umlaut.

- Charlie Umlaut?

- Umhm.

- That's a funny name.

What else have you got on him?

- Telephone call for Ms. C.

Call for Ms. C.

- This damn waiting for
a phone call is childish.

Why all the precautions?

- That American detective, Johnson.

- You didn't have to shoot him, Charlie.

I could have handled him.

How did you manage to
escape from the hospital?

- How do you think?

Luck and a clean conscience.

- Where are you?

- Rome. My leg wound is getting better.

- All right, all right.

I got the word.

I came here for your call.

Now, who is my next lover,
and who works him with me?

- I don't know who has been
assigned to take the picture.

But your next victim is in Cologne.

- Cologne?

- That's it.

- What does he want me to do in Cologne?

Pose with a priest in the cathedral?

- Why not? He'll enjoy it!

- Give me a ticket, please.

A ticket? For the movie, yeah?

- Whatever, whatever.

Yeah, that's fine. That's fine.

All right. Thank you.

- The what, what?

- Oh.

Say, um, give me a double, will you.

- Whiskey.

How much is that?

- Thank you.

- Joe.

- Son of a bitch, it's John Wayne.

- I say, Dean Martin. Get 'em, Duke.

- Flowers for Mister Mensur.

- Okay.

- Yeah?

- I would like to speak to
Mister Spindle. Fritz Spindle.

- This is Frederick Spindle speaking.

- My name's Sandy. Johnson was my partner.

You did a few jobs for him in Bund.

- Ah, it's a pity what happened to him.

Only three weeks ago I took
him to a very respectable

whorehouse on Brink Kassel

which now unfortunately is closed.

But I do know--

- Fill me in later.

I need your stuff here, schnell.

- I'm available.

- I'm in Cologne.

- I'll be there in about half an hour.

Where are you?

- Outside the Lowenbrau
restaurant on Howa street.

But if I'm gone,

wait for me inside.

What do you look like?

- Peter O'Toole.

- Goddamn it, I asked you a question.

- I'll be whistling Colonel Bogey's march.

- You got a friend at a local newspaper?

- Sure, Armand Holzenberg
at

is an old chum of mine.

- I need headshots of Orlando Bortulino

- Bortulino?!

I don't mind that girl
being shacked and tied,

but Bortulino?

I don't never participate
in that violent stuff.

- Knock it off!

I just want a little
mumbo jumbo with this war

chest on wheels.

Now you phone your friend,
I want those pictures.

- Okay, okay, okay.

- Move!

- Let me take a look at them.

- They're not bad?

- Hey, these are great. Great!

- But why these photos of Bortulino?

- Well, it has to do with
the UN and world peace

and, well, you know.

I can get some trouble if
I give you these photos.

- Oh, no, no, no. I'd never
let you get into trouble.

I work with newspaper
people all around the world.

I've never gotten them into trouble.

No way, I promise you,
you won't get in trouble.

- All right, get those.

Hand me that shirt.

- Okay.

Here we are.

- No, no, no, the other
one, the other one.

Okay, let's go to work.

Okay.

- Where do we start?

- You got film in that camera, don't you?

- Just shoot it.

- Uh huh.

- Just wait a minute, just wait.

- Yeah.

That's nice.

That's good.

Umm, beautiful.

Okay, hold it.

Hold it!

- Wait for her eyes to open.

- Okay, okay.

- That's it.

All right, I think we're finished.

That wraps it up.

- Yeah.

- Just roll her, just roll her.

- Forgot your money.

There's more when you take the job.

- Job?

- Don't you remember?

- What kind of job?

- Doing what you do better
than anybody I've ever used,

Christa.

- You know my name?

- We mopped up enough for a regiment.

First Schnapps and vodka with me,

then cognac with that
Italian passion flower.

- Who are you?

- The name is Sandy.

- I once had an American
dog. And his name was Sandy.

But I forgot what happened to him.

- Did you forget giving me
the eye near the cathedral?

- I gave you the eye?

You?

- Why not me?

- Because you look like an
unemployed rapist, that's why.

- That's not what you thought when you

told me about yourself.

- What did I tell you about myself, hmm?

- How about some coffee?

- All right, I'll have some coffee.

And who's that Italian
passion flower you mentioned, hmm?

- Well, that's how you
earned the thousand dollars.

- Oh?

- Sure. We were having a couple of good,

stiff belts, and there
was something about you

that made me trust you.

- And what was that something, huh?

- Well, it wasn't your
strawberry birthmark,

I'll tell you that.

I think it was the way you smiled.

Like a Madonna.

- Oh, ha ha ha ha.

- Maybe it was that laugh.

Now some people are
hypocrites when they laugh.

Some try to figure out an angle.

Some just to be polite.

But your laugh. It's a lusty one.

- All right. So my
laugh made you trust me.

About what?

- My partner.

- Partner?

- Yeah, she ran out on me.

See, I finally had the Italians
set up, but I needed a girl.

I told you my problem in the restaurant,

you agreed to pose with him.

- Pose?

- You raised hell at that place.

You made a very, very naughty
spectacle of yourself.

Eating mussels with your fingers,
not even using the shell.

- What restaurant, hmm?

- Where is it?

Pire Aseel, does that ring a bell?

- Pire Assel.

- Pire Aseel.

- Yes. I would like to talk to the owner.

- Hello?

This is the manager speaking.

- I would like to talk
about a customer who broke

some dishes there today.

- I certainly remember you.

- Oh.

- You recognize my voice?

- Of course I do.

I mean, it always
happens when young ladies

have too much Schnapps.

It was good for you that
there was this American

with you who kept you from
drinking the whole bottle.

It was funny. How you attacked the mussels

with your fingers.

- I like mussels. I should
remember eating them.

But with my fingers. Tsk.

- Come in as my partner?
You pose, I take the picture.

- Do you work alone?

- Always. I've got a hot, new angle.

We only hit Statesmen
running on an ego trip.

- Statesmen?

- Nothing but.

And I would give you a nice,
big fat bonus for doing

things like this.

- How did you get him
to pose alone with me?

- Did Nixon tell Moscow
what he got from Peking?

- I like a careful bastard.

- And I like a bitch who
can make up her mind.

There are plenty of
passion flowers like him

in every capital.

Are you in or out?

- Don't rush me, please.

- You've got until tomorrow
to make up your mind,

or I'll have to find a new partner.

- All right, Sandy.

May I keep that photo?

I'll give you an answer tomorrow. Promise.

- Just walk in, I never lock up.

Don't you wait for a man
to open the door for you?

- The last time a man
opened the door for me,

we were going 60 miles an hour. Ciao.

- Hello. How's the weather
over there, Victor?

- It's fine Mister Mensur.

- Yeah?

- And Washington reports the
Senator has paid his monthly

$25,000.

- Umhm. He's the presidential
candidate, isn't he?

Increase that amount to 50,000 a month.

- Yes, sir.

- Oh, and give me the bottom
line of the North American

operations.

- It's very good.

A 20% increase, and
overhead costs are down 7%.

- Not good enough.

I want a 30% increase by the
end of the fiscal year, okay?

- Yes, sir.

- Heir Lofton.

- Yes, sir.

- I'm a little concerned
about Charlie Umlaut.

- His side is hurt, his wound is healed,

and he's ready to return to work.

Should I bring him back on roll?

- Not yet.

I still don't accept his
explanation that he was forced

to shoot that American private
detective, what's his name?

- Johnson.

- Yes. Who's investigating the case?

- A customs man called Kressin.

- A customs?

Why not homicide?

- They're still working on it,

but it seems that Kressin is
very important in this case.

- Customs.

Heir Luberry?

- Yes, I'm here, sir.

- What progress have
you made on Bortulino?

- Not much, I'm afraid.

He's left London to receive
that award in Germany.

But, Mister Mensur, I
suggest Christa to help.

- Christa's got another
assignment here in Cologne.

Is Darcy available?

- No, sir.

- But what about Agnes?

- Married.

I ran into Stephanie yesterday
and she's pretty desperate.

- Forget about her, unless
she can change her face.

- Yeah alright.

- Oh, what about that new girl?

- You mean Margaret?

- Margaret, yes.

- She's on holiday in Scotland.

- Assign her to Bortulino at once, okay.

- Yes, all right, sir.

- All right, go on with your report.

- Well, it's absolutely
negative, Mister Mensur.

- What?

- The subject of Westminster
is too well guarded

after that Belfast Summit conference.

He doesn't drink, he doesn't smoke pot,

or take to the needle.

He doesn't seek a mistress.

He's ridiculously in love with his wife.

- Does she look like a swinger?

- No, not at all sir.

- Good. We'll compromise her.

- Very good, sir.

- Heir Carlos.

Is that Monte Carlo
stallion still in the gray?

- Yes, sir.

- Now assign him to the wife
of the subject in London, okay?

What's the matter?

- I'm afraid that will be impossible.

- Why?

Has he had an accident?

- Well, he is on a guilty conscience trip.

- Hmm?

- That well-minded bastard
has entered a monastery.

- That's incredible. That's
absolutely fantastic.

And we've been working Bortulino
for more than four months.

Now how did you learn he was in Cologne?

How did you manage to accomplish it,

to trap him alone?

- I didn't. It was an American man, Sandy.

I didn't get his last name.

- Who took the picture, then?

- He did.

- Marvelous, marvelous.

I'll give you a bonus, huh?

Let me have the negatives.

- He has it.

He has also extorted the
first payment from Bortulio.

And he gave me this.

For my services.

- All very irregular.

- You're telling me!

- I get it. A good friend of
yours, a former partner, huh?

- I never saw that son of
a bitch before in my life.

- Then how did he manage
to acquire your rather

unusual services?

- I don't know.

- Now you talk sense!

- Talk sense!

I'm going out of my mind!

- Calm down, Christa.

- I don't remember a single goddamn thing!

You know what a nightmare is?

- Relax.

- Well, I've been in one
ever since I met that bastard

and you're telling me,
talk sense, talk sense.

Waking up like a whore in a hotel room

with a stranger.

- There's no sense in getting
a heart attack, is there?

- Embarrassing!

- Come on, drink it.

- You're right. I must
control myself, huh?

- Did you buy the flowers
in front of Wimpys?

- Yes, I did.

- Then the assignment you're in--

- I think I did.

Yes, I did. I remember that.

- Then perhaps you were hungry, hmm?

- I was.

- So you went into Wimpys
and that gave the American

the chance to talk to you
about America's number one

cuisine, the hamburger.

- Ha, ha, ha, ha impossible.

- Why impossible?

- Darling, you know me,
I loathe hamburgers.

- You're talking sense now.

The cognac helped.

Come on, I'll give you another one.

Now do you remember finding the assignment

in the park?

- Yes.

- And the subject?

- Franz Gunther.

- Instructions.

- In code.

- Go on.

- I decoded it.

- The American must have read it.

- He couldn't have.

- Your memory's shaky
at that point, Christa.

Why couldn't he have?

- Because I destroyed it.

- How?

- By fire.

- Where?

- In...

There must have been a restaurant.

Maybe two.

- Maybe three.

Now you're sure he did not
read the Gunther instructions?

- Oh, absolutely.

- And now, what else
are you really sure of?

- That he's in the same
business we are in.

He only plans to blackmail diplomats.

He works alone.

And he wants me to be his working partner.

Yes, sir.

Now that's all very irregular, isn't it?

- Of all the girls in Cologne,
why should he select you?

An absolute stranger?

- If I had one, I would give
my right ball if I knew.

- Well, I think I know.

- You do?

- He didn't select you by accident.

He knew all about you.

He followed you, drugged you somehow,

perhaps a pill in your drink or coffee,

it's all so damned obvious now.

Now how much did you really tell him?

- Nothing. Nothing.

- And you know what you told him?

It sounds ridiculous, you know,

but I'd say he's out to get our negatives.

- How do we get rid of him?

- It would be simple to get rid of him,

but that wouldn't solve anything.

- Well, why not?

- They would replace
him with somebody else.

- I told you, he works alone.

Now how can a lone wolf
blackmailer endanger us?

- Because he's not a
lone wolf blackmailer.

He's a blackmailer for
a powerful organization

determined to hijack our ranks.

- What kind of organization?

- It was very rude of
you to give that man such

an odd welcome.

- I don't like cops who don't knock.

- Cops?

- I know pig bracelets when I see them.

- Come now, Sandy, you
know we aren't the police.

- Check my passport again.

- I'm afraid it doesn't give
us the information we want.

- I'm afraid your boys walked
into the wrong bathroom.

I'm just a tourist.

- How did you learn that
Bortulino was in Cologne?

- Who?

- Christa spent $1000 just so...

Just tell us everything.

- Don't tell me she's
punching a time clock for you.

- Yes, she is.

- You're in my racket?

- We are.

- Did you have Bortulino
marked for your own deck?

- We did.

- Well, I didn't mean to
screw you out of that deal.

I didn’t know anybody
else had my brainstorm.

I'm sorry, I mean that.

- I'm going to ask you a few questions.

If your answers don't add up,

we'll finish that hot shower for you.

- Yeah, no sweat, I'll answer anything.

But what about these first?

- Not yet.

- Can I have a cigarette?

- Okay.

- You have one without a filter?

I--

Thank you.

- Not at all.

Look, they're all ego addicts.

They're more afraid of
scandal than of dying.

It was an untapped market.

I thought the cake was all mine.

Now how was I to know that
when I cut the first piece,

I'd step on your toes.

- I don't believe that.

- Hey, that's a pretty good shot--

- How long?

- Three months.

- What are you, gay?

- No, not to my knowledge.

- Then how could you have
lured him away from security,

all by yourself.

You must have had help. Organized help.

- Well, she was organized all right,

but not the way you think.

- Who is she?

- Kitty, my partner, I
had an assist from her.

- Well tell me about Kitty.

- Well, she was the best
badger bait in Brooklyn.

We made a great te-

- Did she set up Bortulino?

- Did she what?

- Did she set up Bortulino?

- Yes.

- Mister Gone here, can I help you?

- Yes, I would like to talk to the manager

of the London Bridgeport hotel, please.

- You're speaking to the
manager of the London

Bridgeport hotel.

- I am trying to reach a
Ms. Gipps. Kitty Gipps.

G, i, double p, s.

- I'm afraid the operator isn't much help.

I'm an old friend of Ms. Gipps.

- Just a moment, please.

- Ah, yes. Ms. Gipps has checked out.

She's gone on her honeymoon, sir.

- Did she leave a forwarding address?

- Hold on a minute, let me check.

Let me see. No, I'm sorry.

She's now Mrs. Timothy Basseri and she's

on her way to the Ivory Coast.

- Can I scratch my ass?

- Not yet.

- What happens to me now?

- Up to you.

- Meaning what?

- Meaning we can't let you go until

you give a piece of our cake.

- I give you my word,

I won't step on your toes again.

- Not agreeable to me.

- Then what would be agreeable to you?

- Work for us.

The profits would be
greater, the risk smaller.

- Looks like I don't have any choice.

- Your job's to find.

I want names, faces, plans.

- Do I get a pay raise?

- What are you talking about?

- With rising prices.

- Now listen, you've got
two Swiss bank accounts,

you've got stocks, you've got bonds.

- The Queen of England got a raise.

Hirohito got a raise.

And I have to maintain my
position with the birds I pluck.

- Ah, you pluck Sandy,

and I'll give you that house in Paris.

- Really?

- Umhmm.

- The one on the Rue de Bassanti.

- Not that one.

- Why not?

- It's American Embassy
residence, darling.

- Darling, then give me a Paris assignment

and I'll get that house.

- What did you do
with the Bortulino negative?

- Oh, I destroyed it, of course.

- Don't tell me you'd
risk hanging on to negatives?

- Why of all the
girls in Cologne did you pick

on Christa?

- I needed a girl fast.

He was set up, loaded,
horny, waiting for Kitty.

It was an emergency!

- I think you
would be quite impressed

with what our organization
can do that you cannot.

- Like what?

- Like identification
slips, press cards.

Union cards. Police
badges, security passes.

Official documents.

How did you sell Christa the idea?

- Well, a pill in
her coffee, some booze.

- How much did Bortulino pay?

- $15,000. It was
all the cash he could raise.

Right then.

- You gave Christa $1,000.

- Well, I kept a
grand for operating expenses

and sent the rest home to my
post office box in New York.

- You'll be given
your first assignment when

you get to Bonn.

- When is that?

- You'll be told.

- Where am I now?

- In the major league, Buster.

- But Mr. Sandy, be so kind
to leave the key at the desk

when you are leaving the hotel.

- What's your name again?

- I'm Ms. Featherman.

- Ms. Featherman.

You wouldn't believe
it, in a million years,

you wouldn't believe it.

I had nothing to do with taking the key.

Believe me, nothing.

I don't know where I've been.

I went someplace, it was dark.

I had nothing to do with taking the key.

Believe me, nothing.

Yeah?

- Take the train
to Bonn this morning.

Go to the Beethoven Museum.

Wait inside.

- Wait for who?

- What did you do, sleep here last night?

- I don't know who I'm supposed to meet.

All right, goddamn it,
Kressin I really don't know.

- I can't tell you.

- I can't tell you where!

I've got my first lead,

they're going to give me an assignment,

I'm in with them.

- I promised to deliver
Charlie Umlaut alive, didn't I?

You don't believe me, do you?

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have pulled
such a stunt on you.

My work's down the drain if I
don't get there this morning.

- Vo, vo, vo!

If I tell you where, you
know we'll both end up

with egg on our faces.

Now somebody will spot
you and nobody will make

a move to meet me there.

- I'm not holding out on anything!

Now, I'm very close to cracking the murder

and wrapping up my own case.

Now will you please, bitte
bitte, give me one more chance!

I got to be there this morning.

- Beethoven Museum in Bonn.

I'm supposed to wait for somebody there.

And I tell you the goddamn truth, Kressin,

I don't know who the hell it is!

Hi.

- You American?

- Umhmm.

Do I fit the description?

- Oh, yes. But she didn't
tell me that you were so tall.

I'm Verena.

- Why the hell didn't she meet me here?

- Oh, you prefer her?

- Nooo.

Not at all, not at all.

We're going to make a great team, Verena.

- Oh, I hope so.

She told me so many nice things about you.

- I'll bet she did.

Well, where does the fun start?

Apartment or hotel?

- What are you saying?

What are you talking about?

- The bed.

We've got to get there
right away, you know,

we've got to get the lay of the place.

We can't, we can't score here.

What's the matter?

Is something wrong?

Is this the first time
you're going to show your ass

for a camera?

- Is your name John Walsh?

- If that's the name you want
me to use it's okay with me.

- Are you John Walsh?

- Who the hell's John Walsh?

- How dare you try to pick me up here.

Like a whore.

Of all places.

Here!

Beethoven.

- He was born in that room.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

You really ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Molesting strange girls in this house.

- Are we a team?

- Mmmm. Look at that.

That's his hair when he was a young man.

And that's when he was older.

Those are his glasses.

And that's his bell.

Can you imagine,

Ludwig Van Beethoven playing a bell?

And that's his razor.

- Are we working together or not?

Is there a reason for
meeting in this place?

What, I don't understand?

- It doesn't matter.

Most conversation is trivial, anyway.

He managed to avoid it.

Those are his ear trumpets. Look.

You know. When I was little girl,

I used to fall asleep
listening to my father

play Moonlight Sonata.

There was a four-year-old quarrel

over the break away
state in Africa and Great

Britain.

Over white supremacy.

The Black Statesmen
refused to go to London.

Pride.

Sir Nicholas refused to go to Africa.

Also pride.

- So they agreed to fight it
out in a neutral battlefield

like right here in Bonn.

- Very good.

- I didn't get a chance to
tell you how lucky I was,

picking a girl like you out
of all the chicks in Cologne.

- Ah, some men are born lucky.

- Well, what do you like?

Sir Nicholas? Or the Black?

- Black, of course.

- I wonder how much he'll pay.

- That's not in your department.

- We forgot one important item.

What about the geography of this place?

- That's also
not in your department.

I'm very familiar with that bedroom there.

- Where did you meet this
charming raconteur, Sir Nicholas?

- In Washington, D.C.

She has the most delightful antidotes.

- May I compliment you on your gown?

- Oh, thank you, your Excellency.

- It is unbelievably authentic.

Down to the very last detail.

Gentleman. To a most
remarkable young lady.

- To your Excellency's success.

With or without the prayers of Una Gangus.

- May I inquire about how
you know about Una Gangus?

- Well, I became addicted to Shavalla.

- Allow me to interrupt.

Do you really like that native bm?

- It is delicious! You should try it!

- Amazing.

But please go on about Una Gangus.

- Well, I was told that every one of those

witch doctors forgot the
individual differences

just to pray for you.

And an independent nation.

They prayed against war
and disillusionment.

- We've become used to
being disillusioned.

But I would like to think
that tonight the Whites

are being sincere.

- You know, the InDuna
was a fascinating host.

Buying hotels and impala,
monkey and civet skin,

and a television set.

- Did it work?

- I will wager it did not.

- It did not.

Then he rattled his asagi
against and oxhide shield.

And with justifiable anger he said that,

while man is planning
civilization on the moon,

your Excellency's nation
is expected to move

at the pace of an ox wagon.

- This is a night I shall never forget.

- His father in Calcutta
had a mistress who

looked just like you.

A mistress or a maid.

So this is the magnificent
view of the Rhine

you promised to show me.

- Oh no, it's about four Premiers,

eight Ambassadors, six cabinet ministers,

and one president from here.

But it's beautiful, huh?

- Yes.

- What's the matter?

You're not feeling well?

Too much champagne, huh?

- Afraid so.

- Come, some fresh air.

- Fresh air.

- Yeah, that'll do you good.

It often happens, you know.

- Waiter? Can you get me some coco please?

- Talk to my assistant.

- You'll feel all right later.

You will.

- It was a pleasure to meet you.

- Lady Rogers, I believe.

- Yes.

- Hello.

- My greetings to Sir Charles.

- Better, hmm?

No?

In about 10 minutes you'll be all right.

- Waiter, please.

Waiter!

- Heir Myler. Happy to meet you.

- Heir Myler?

All right.

- Doctor Oberberna?

Are you a real doctor?

Doctor, there's an emergency
in the dining room.

Could you go, please?

- Certainly.

- Thank you.

- Come.

Oh, you'll be all right.

- Hey, hey, hey! Bingo!

Head up, Charlie.

And...

- His Excellency wasn't feeling well.

Can I help you take him back to his room?

Get dressed.

Your Excellency.

- Well?

- I had to get the German
authorities to arrange

this meeting and vouch for me.

- Who took this picture?

- I did, sir.

I was the waiter who
drugged you last night.

You see, sir,

I'm trying to locate the
negative of a U.S. Senator

they're blackmailing.

Now, according to the girl,

they have the pulse of politics.

They know how to take
advantage of Statesmen.

- Then why don't you arrest her?

- Well, sir, we have not
proof of their complicity.

Now she'll claim she was
doped and taken advantage of,

in that photo and in others.

- Then what shall we do about this?

- Impossible.

What you're asking me
to do is pay them when

they contact me.

- That's right, sir.

- I refuse.

- That's your prerogative, sir.

- I demand that you seize whoever contacts

me for the payment.

- But sir, that won't stop
the extortion from continuing.

- Then what good is it for
you to inform me of all this?

You're helpless.

I can do nothing.

What good is it?

- Sir, to inform you,

I'm trying to break up the
ring and get your money back.

- Her performance was beyond criticism.

And beyond praise.

- Ha, ha, ha, ha, haaa!

- Hello.

- I forgot the eggs, sit down, sit down.

- It's beautiful!

- I forgot eggs, I'm sorry! I forgot eggs!

- Guess who has the eggs.

- Oh, no.

- Yep.

- That's terrific. Terrific!

- Oh, that's very sweet of you.

- You know, only an American would think

of a picnic here.

- Look at this place,
it's a marvelous place!

Look at this!

How about a little wine, huh?

- Yeah.

- All right.

- You know, I'm really
grateful you suggested this.

I needed a change.

- From what?

- Yesterday.

- Oh, yeah. Well that
was a pretty close shave.

- Yeah. You think he'll
have a heart attack

when he sees those photographs?

- Why should he?

- You know his mission
is so important to me--

- Now, now, now, take it easy, Christa.

My father always told me,

don't get emotionally involved.

- Yeah, but he's such a wonderful man.

Warm, and what he represents.

Didn't it make you feel sick?

- Hell no.

- I don't know how I got
into this filthy business.

- Same as me. Money.

- No, not at first.

- Now don't tell me you were a frustrated

photographer's model.

- No, worse. Frustrated actress.

- So you're pretty good.

- No, not good enough.

You know, I tried them all.

Stage. And I tried screen.

- Marie Antionette. Madam Lafayette.

TV. Even nudies.

- Yeah, which ones?

- Yeah, but my whole
life was acting. Acting.

I couldn't live any other way.

And when this job came along,

it gave me a chance all
actresses dream of having.

My roles are always
authentic, real, exciting.

Sometimes even dangerous.

But always fulfilling.

'Till yesterday with that Black
man, it made me feel sick.

- Don't let the boss
hear you talk like that,

it'll make him a little nervous.

- Yeah, you're right.
I must control myself.

- Where's the head office?

- You'll find out in time.

- When the boss thinks I'm okay?

- Umhmm, that's right.

- Do you think I'm okay?

- I'm not the boss.

- You know, I like those
little circles underneath

Your eyes.

- Little circles?

They're bags! But I was
told they give me character.

- How many girls in the organization?

- Did Nixon tell Moscow about Peking?

- Are any of those chicks in your league?

- Why, do you prefer a new partner?

- No. I'm in love with that strawberry.

- As a matter of fact, I'm
thinking of having it removed.

- Why?

- I hate flaws.

- Anyway, I'd like to eat
your flaw with a spoon.

- Spoon? Forget the spoon, hmm?

- You know,
you're quite a character.

I like you.

- Yeah, everybody
likes everybody when they kiss.

- You're not everybody.

- And you don't
kiss like everybody.

You know, you were
foolish to hang on to one

of those photographs last night.

- Thought I could
get a little extra bonus

for myself.

- ls that what
you did this morning?

- She asked you a question.

- Uh, no, I dropped the idea.

- Why?

- Well it was stupid.

- You were stupid to
disappear this morning.

Where did you go?

- Well, here. I took a ferry
across the river and came here

to Dockenfield.

- You were told to wait
at the hotel for Christa.

- Well, I left her a note
I was going to be here.

- Pick it up.

And don't throw it into the Rhine.

I don't like my river to be
called the sewer of Europe

because of callous wise-guys like you.

Haven't you heard of ecology?

Take him out of my eyes.

I have a strange feeling that
Mensur is having me watched.

- Why?

- Has he questioned you about me?

- You're talking like you're on drugs.

On a trip or--

Something!

- What made you say that?

- Charlie! That new color hair.

It changed more than your looks.

It has affected your mind!

- Hello?

- Sandy?

- Yes, sir.

- I'm at my wits end.

They jumped the payments
to $50,000 a month.

Are you you making progress,

have you got any kind of
a lead on those bastards?

- Yes, sir. I'm working with them.

- Well that's
great, Sandy, that's great.

- But I don't know who the
hell they are, Senator.

- You know that
blonde with the strawberry

birthmark.

- Yes, sir, that's how I got in with them.

- That's wonderful, wonderful.

Where are they operating from?

- I wish the hell I knew, Senator.

- Sandy?

- Sir?

- You know I can beat 'em.

Now unless I get that goddamn negative,

I'll never be president.

- That's the man. San Fong, with Ling Tao.

With Mao Tse Tung.

And with Chu An Lao.

Mr. Fong has been for two
years in political hot water.

But, because of his prominence during

the cultural revolution,

and his long-standing
association with Mao,

he was saved from complete oblivion.

It was a sort of last chance
chess play, you understand?

And for two years he's lived like a monk.

And worked like hell to prove himself.

He's here now
to by ships for China.

Then he will go on
to buy 150 locomotives.

If this mission is carried
out without any mishap,

he'll join the Chinese
delegation at the United Nations.

Knowing his ferocious hunger
for a place in history

he'll pay any price.

To become a member of
the security council.

Every department is looking out for him.

Every one.

But Mr. Fong is a very,
very difficult man.

Much more difficult than the Emperor.

He's also a very cautious man.

But partial to Germany's entertainment.

Any progress with Sandy?

- Oh, the usual, curiosity all
the new photographers show.

Who's the boss? Where do we operate from?

Et cetera, et cetera.

- Just keep doing your homework with him.

Charlie Umlaut?

- Sir?

- I've observed you going to
several times

haven't you Christa?

- Yes.

- Are you ill, Charlie?

- No, sir.

- Doesn't he look like he's on dope?

Are you on dope, Charlie?

- No, sir.

- Christa?

- He looks like he's on smack.

- Illegal moonlighting?

- Moonlighting?

- Yes, moonlighting.

- Illegal moonlighting.

- No, sir.

- Then why should customs be after you?

It was a few geisha girls from Tokyo?

- Johnson. Maybe Johnson was moonlighting.

Those American private detectives
make very little money.

He must have been mixed up
in some kind of smuggling.

- How would customs here
figure that the man who

shot him was also involved in smuggling?

Yes, yeah, that makes
sense Christa, doesn't it?

- Not to me.

- Mr. Mensur, it sure does.

- Well, let's lay a little mousetrap for them.

- Little mousetrap.

- Yes, a little mousetrap.

You don't mind playing the cheese, do you?

- No, sir.

- I don't want to break it to you,

but have your hair changed back
to its natural color.

You'll be seized.

But the mouse will be caught by my men.

And I'll find out why customs is after you.

Enjoy the carnival, Charlie.

- Ciao!

- Like we thought.

Bocce ball?

- I hate all sports.

- Thank you.

- And they're made of
steel, that's the same--

- Steel?

- Steel, yes. It's the same
material with the whole group.

In order to test the locomotive.

- May I?

- Of course! Be our guest.

Enter the loco.

- Wave.

That's it. Keep waving, keep waving.

Perfect.

- Perry Mat should have sent you to China

to write of the Peking matches.

- Ping pong? Oh, sorry.

I would have adored meeting Mao Tse Tung.

But ping pong? That's not a true sport.

It's a bore.

- I agree with you.

But I did not have the
courage to say that to Mao.

Personally, I think it bores him too.

That is off the record, of course.

- Of course.

- Pardon me, Mr. Fong.
Your approval before

signing them off.

- How long have you worked together?

As a team?

Please sit down, Mr. Sherman.

- Oh, we've been on assignments before.

Mr. Sherman's a freelancer and often sells

his work to Life magazine.

- Oh, yes, I recall.

Perry mentioned Life often
exchanged text and pictures.

- Yeah, that's right.

- I approve of these.

But, you've overlooked one specific photo,

Mr. Sherman.

- What's that, Mr. Fong?

- Ms. Feyar is a very unusual female.

She not only understands
the working of the

politbureau, but her quotation shows

a fine literary appreciation
of Pekings foreign policy.

More than some of our own writers.

- Thank you.

- My wife.

- Mrs. Fong?

- Yes. Is a Red Guard leader,

and I'm sure will
appreciate when I tell her

about an unusual Western
young lady who should

be on China's bookshelves and
in all the libraries in China.

- Oh, thank you.

- Mr. Sherman, you
have overlooked taking a picture

of us together.

For Mrs. Fong, of course.

- We'll take care of that.

- Thank you, thank you.

- Which side do you like?

- I beg your pardon?

- Which side does Mrs. Fong prefer?

- Ah, the left, of course.

- Terrific.

- Good morning.

- Morning, Mr. Fong.

- Good morning.

I don't wish to be abrupt.

But actually, I'm not well.

What is so urgent?

- The photo for Mrs. Fong we promised,

and one for you.

- Yes, they're very good,
but what is the urgency?

- United Nations.

- Oh my God, is he dead?

- If he is, we struck out.

- No...

- Wake up. Come on, come on, come on.

Wake up, Charlie Chan, wake up!

All right. And just so you won't
think it's all a bad dream.

Huh?

Shit. Now that photo's
going to cost you a rickshaw

of rice bowl or you'll never
get to the UN when it hits

the newspapers.

Just nod, Mr. Fong, just
nod if you understand.

Now if you talk to the
police we're going to send

all the pictures to your
party General Red Flag.

And nobody will be able to save you.

- That's enough!

- Now will you pay?

- Say it in English!

Goddamn it.

- Are you crazy?

- Get out of here.

- Say it in English!

- Are you out of your mind?

- I will pay...

- $100,000. We don't care how you get it,

but get it here in cash.

- Let him go!

- And you call Peking.

Phone the Great Wall of
China, phone somebody

to get the money, but get it here in cash.

Now call!

- Well, I hated to shake him up,

but I had to throw in an act for her.

- He is the most cold-blooded
bastard I've ever worked with.

- I think you're right on both counts.

I'm warped and she's a bitch.

- Yeah, but you should have seen Mr. Fong.

He looked like rigor
mortis was setting in.

- Well, after a few more jobs,

I'm sure I'll meet Christa's boss.

- I'll meet him face-to-face
when you're convinced

he can be trusted.

- What'll she get when you make the bust?

- 100 years or what?

- To the Germans we will lose our land.

But to the Russians, our soul.

- This is Mr. Novak.

His life ambition is to become Chairman

of the Presidio.

He has a personal fortune.

And the backing in his
country to pull it off.

But be wary of him.

He's as sharp as a Spanish sword.

And deadlier than a
spike-studded brass ball.

Right now, as of this
hour, he's in Cologne

promoting trade and tourism.

Get him.

- I have a confession
to make to you, Mr. Novak.

- You're not
with the Trade and Tourist

Commission?

- How did you know?

- Easy. Christa now. Easy.

Remember what you've been taught.

Composure.

Always composure.

Mr. Novak is a very ambitious pigeon.

And about to be plucked for at least...

$100,000.

You haven't lost your touch.

- I thought you were in Paris.

- Eh.

After my picture with La Cadole appeared

in the newspapers,

my face was just good for sex films.

- Oh.

- That bastard Mensur told
me he would use me again

if I had a plastic job.

- Oh, no, Stephanie, you
should never change it.

You have such a beautiful face.

- Pardon me, madam, but
is this a private dance?

May I join you?

- Mr. Chovach,

- Mr. Novak.

- Pardon. Mr. Novak.

Doctor Bogdanovich.

- Madam.

- Doctor Bogdanovich, Mr. Novak.

- Very nice to meet you, Mr. Novak.

- You're not what you pretend to be.

- Oh?

Well you tell me what you think I am.

- An actress.

- What do you want from me?

- Want from you? Oh, Christa,
what do you think I am?

A blackmailer?

- And armed to the teeth for publicity.

- Mr. Mensur will not like
what you are doing, he won't.

- Mensur should kiss my
ass for me not giving

him away to the police.

- I'm going to celebrate my
parents' wedding anniversary.

- And of course, you must give them gifts.

- Oh, that's a wonderful idea, Christa.

In the corner over there is an exquisitely

restricted book on erotica.

Mama would love.

From Japan.

- How much?

- Two thousand chopsticks.

- I think I know what baffles
you about me, Mr. Novak.

- Yes, what is it?

- How did I acquire my trade
in tourism authorization.

- In the other corner is
a very funny dirty movie,

16 millimeter.

It's only 3000 feet. And in color.

It's the authentic sex
life of Santa Claus.

With pepper.

- Hello?

- We can't find Mr. Novak to collect.

That bastard's gone.

- He's riding up and down the Rhine

holding his own goddamn carnival party.

Now you get on that boat right now.

Get on it before he's
off to Bangladesh and you

never collect it.

Now you get moving!

- I think we better
settle this in private.

- We can settle this right here.

- Look, even if you have
us thrown overboard,

it won't stop our people
from printing that

in the newspapers unless you pay us

$100,000 cash in Amsterdam.

- You mean to tell me that
if I don't pay you $100,000,

you'll have this printed
in the newspapers?

- On the front page.

- On the front page?

- You must have this
printed in the newspapers.

Yes, it would change my image.

I've tried for years to change my image.

And now, I'm going to give
you a little surprise.

Stop the music!

Stop that.

Ladies and gentleman, I
want you to meet the new

Mr. Novak.

And boy, just look at that!

Huh!

Just look at this, boys!

Now come on, let's not get too greedy!

Let's get this back, isn't that a beaut?

- Isn't that something!

- Well, maybe we should
do him a favor and put

that picture in the paper.

You know, that's the trouble
with the world today.

Not enough people doing
favors for other people.

I always like to do
favors for other people.

I always like to do favors,
it makes me feel good--

- Stop it. Stop it, will you.

- Novak didn't break the ice.

It was Mr. Fong.

I'll never forget that look in his eyes.

He was the first one I ever
confronted with a photo.

Why him?

Why him for the first time?

I tell you why.

Because I tried to prove
something to myself.

Something I never felt before.

It wasn't contempt for me
that made me feel dirty.

It was my contempt for myself.

Because of you I tried to
prove something to myself.

All my life, I've wanted
to experience one emotion.

Money couldn't quench it.

Blackmail couldn't drown it.

And every time I looked
it straight in the face,

it didn't shake me or frighten me.

Because I never knew it.

And then you came into my life.

You and your funny way of talking.

And then I saw me. A bitch.

A no good bitch.

I'll never be able to undo
all the horrible things

I've done.

I'm all mixed up, Sandy.

Crazy thoughts keep going through my mind.

I'm not religious.

Confessions are for whores and hypocrites.

How can I believe in anything if God

is always won by hate and force and lies.

I'm overbearing.

Like in the Crusades when
they went naked for Christ

and ate human flesh.

But in spite of the Crusades,

I say in spite of the
Crusades, so help me God.

I love you, Sandy.

I love you, and I want you
to forgive me for what I am.

- I love you too, knot head.

- We'll change our names.

Take a plane from Amsterdam.

- I can't.

- Why not?

- I still have to get that
negative of you and the Senator

in Washington D.C.

- Are you the police?

- Private investigator.

I slipped you a pill
that day and framed you.

Bortulino wasn't in that picture with you,

it's me wearing his face.

- Now there's only one
bastard in our family

that has to go to confession.

- Will you help me?

- Help you?

I can get all the negatives for you.

- Who's the boss?

- Mr. Mensur.

There's only one way to get to him.

- You mean have me meet him face-to-face.

- It's the only way.

- Where?

- Cologne.

That's where we do our last job.

The Cabinet Administration.

- Why?

- Why not? What's wrong with it?

- I don't know.

- He'll open
the doors when we deliver

the money together.

- It'll make
him suspicious if I drop

in without an invite.

- I'm inviting you.

- How can you swing it?

- When I tell
him you can be trusted.

- Just a toy.

For a carnival party I'm
going dressed as a cowboy.

What's your name?

Your name?

- Peta Favini.

- Thank you.

You know, Christa was a
little girl like you, once.

Right after the war.

Hungry. No place to sleep.

Must've been pretty
tough for a two or three

year old kid.

I come to Germany looking for a negative.

And end up falling for one.

I shouldn't have let her
go alone to get that money

from the Cabinet Minister.

She's doing a big thing,
sticking her neck out for me.

She's mixed up. Wacky.

Maybe that's why I fell for her.

I got to keep a date.

Take care.

- I outsmart them all
because I'm Charlie Umlaut.

I'm Charlie Umlaut and I've
got more brain in my head

than every one of you.

More brain than that charlatan and Mensur.

I'm Charlie Umlaut, I'm Charlie Um--

- Charlie Umlaut.

I think I know that face.

Hey!

Do you know that face?

Here, over there.

That man!

I'm not quite sure,
but I think I know him.

Do you know that face?

I've got more brain than all together.

Dungeon!

Respondent!

And also Mensur is going to die!

- Hey, Christa! Christa!

- I think I know her face, too.

- We better get out of
here before the whole town

goes crazy.

- Where's Mensur?

- Bonn.

- I know her face.

Really, I do!

Look there, I know her face!

- How are we going to
get through this jam?

- If you get lost I want you to meet me

at the book shop, you know at the Barroom?

- Yeah!

- That's a face that's
coming out of my mind!

I know her face!

I'm going to take everybody out!

I know her face, too!

- At the barroom?

- Yeah!

- Barroom?

- Yeah!

Christa!

- I'm Charlie Umlaut! And I'm
going to kill everybody now!

I don't want any longer
to be Charlie Umlaut!

- Christa!

- Charlie!

- You.

He sent you to trap me.

- Charlie...

- I'm Charlie Umlaut, and I'm on smack!

- Christa!

- I'm Charlie Umlaut! I'm Charlie Umlaut!

And you bet I'm on smack!

- Help!

- Take him off guard. Win his confidence.

I think he keeps them in the wall safe.

But I'm not quite sure.

- Don't you go poking around for them,

you leave that to me.

- Give me 15 to 20 minutes,
darling, all right?

To soften him up for you.

Then we'll be home free.

- Okay.

- Mister Mensur?

Christa?

Mister Mensur?

Mister Mensur?

- Come in, Sandy.

Hello, my boy.

Come in, come in.

Congratulations.

You did a marvelous job
with that Cabinet Minister.

- Thank you, sir.

- I mean it, really marvelous.

There's nothing more stupid
than private detectives.

Except for American private detectives.

You stay right where you are, all right?

- Where's Christa?

- Your gun isn't faulty.

I'm simply wearing a bullet-proof vest.

- Where's Christa?

- Dead, of course.

Aren't you curious about my vest?

It's the very, very latest model.

This is what you're after, isn't it?

It is also what your late
partner, Mr. Johnson,

was after.

It's really an excellent
picture of the Senator

who employed you.

How much did he promise you for it?

- $50,000.

- Umhmm.

Quite a fortune for a
man who's used to being

paid how much? A few dollars a day?

Watching lovers through a window.

The Senator will most likely be elected.

Ha! We never had a president on board.

All my negatives are
in there. All of them.

You see. I leave the door open.

You can go ahead. Try to take them.

Sandy, boy. Help yourself.

- One-handed detectives
don't get their licenses

renewed in New York.

- You know, I'm going to
give you a chance to get out

of here alive.

- Like you gave Christa?

- She deserved no chance.

Pick it up.

- Oh you're crazy.

- I caught her snooping
around the safe here.

I guessed there was a
little hanky panky going on

between you two. I was right.

Pick it up!

- I've never handled one
of those things in my life!

- Americans are violent people.

They're always fighting. Aren't they?

Are you an American?

You'll fight!

I'm sure in you win the
Senator will reward you

with a cabinet post.

Or perhaps even make you

the new chief of the FBI.

En garde.

You have the advantage.

My bullet-proof vest weighs three pounds.

Slows down my speed.

En garde.

So sorry.

Oh, please. Pick it up.

Yes, that's right.

All right. Very good.

That'll do it, that's good.

Marvelous.

Very good.

Excellent.

Very good.

Very good.

- You son of a bitch.

- Now, now, now.

Well come on, come on.

- All right.

- Christa!

- Give me the negatives.

- What?

- Give me the negatives, Sandy.

- Ah, hell.

- I'm sorry, Sandy.

- So am I, Christa.

♪ Hey you

♪ You're losing, you're losing

♪ You're losing, you're losing

♪ Your fantasy

♪ Hey you

♪ You're losing, you're losing

♪ You're losing, you're losing

♪ Your fantasy ♪

- So am I.