Original subtitles

i'm riyadh a gay man living in london a

vlogger and a journalist I grew up

Catholic bored my father is rocky so I

spent much of my childhood at the local

mosque when I came out I began to

understand that mainstream religions

don't like people like me to me LGBT

stands for let God burn them hey you say

well it's LGBTQ well then you could say

let God burn them quickly right God

hates what part of that don't you

understand how can you engage yourselves

with the same sex and clearly says that

it is wrong what you are doing you will

conform Samaria just like a man you

need to get out of it I want to know

though

can you bring together your religion and

your sexual identity even though the

scriptures say that you're wrong

does God really hate queers

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I don't think God hates quiz I think

people hate Chris God created all of us

so how could he hate us God loves

everybody really I think God's quite

forgiving but see say that as if we're

supposed to feel sorry about it I'm not

gonna apologize for being what you made

that's like the little cake that you

made in the oven being like sorry I'm

bad you left me in too long I feel like

he doesn't hate anyone he just doesn't

want anyone to be gay I would say that

God liked me very much why would it be a

sin to hold my girlfriend's hand it just

doesn't make sense

of course attitudes towards

homosexuality have changed with the

times and even religions have had to

adapt especially here in the UK but it's

still a fact that in 72 countries

same-sex relations are illegal added 13

of those countries it's punishable by

death one option is that you can abstain

which is not something that I would ever

do but I'm super intrigued by the fact

that there are still faith-based

organizations out there willing to help

you rid yourself of your homosexual

demons

I don't like men no more yeah you do I

moved to London about a year and a half

ago

Dawson's a great place to find yourself

and not be ashamed of who you are I

think one day I told my family that I am

gay and I have a boyfriend

I was raised as Jehovah's Witness so we

were taught that homosexuality was a sin

people have their own ideas about what

is right and wrong but what matters is

how Jehovah feels he wants us to be

happy and he knows how we can be

happiest that's why he invented marriage

the way he did you mean one man and one

woman exactly because I confessed my

parents we had to confess it also to the

congregation they saw that I wasn't as

repentance as always probably supposed

to be and that's when they decided to

disfellowship me disfellowshipping

is it's being judged and excommunicated

from the Christian congregation the

whole process is to keep the

congregation clean this is the Bible

that I used to preach with I've pretty

much got rid of everything else but I

just can't bring myself to get rid of

this for some reason I just think it's a

lack of respect to throw away a Bible

how I just got a date in there when I

got this Bible December 2013 that was

about ten months before I came out

I'm trying to find out as much like on

about what the Jehovah's Witnesses don't

like about the gays there's a lot they

say that if you are homosexual the

reason why that is is because you have a

demonic possession hi glad

Josh hasn't been back to his hometown

since being ostracized by his family and

congregation two years ago you grew up

here yeah and your family still live

here yes oh they live down this street

actually a little bit further down these

were the streets that I used to preach

on as well so I'd literally go from door

to door on this street does it feel like

you kind of want to rock up there to

number 22 knock on the door and give the

spiel again or they've completely gone

it could be a bit rusty though at some

point in your life you realized that you

were having feelings yeah that weren't

quite accepted by the other witnesses I

suppose when I reach the age of 14 I I

started looking at guys and thinking I

have you know this is clearly what it is

and I was caught watching porn at 14 do

you feel like the kid who was here is

the same guy that is in front of me now

are you a different person it almost

feels like a dream ages ago it was

sports up to be a person that I thought

I was supposed to be in the religion you

can only live so long lying to people

and like pretending so I taught my

parents and then you have to be put in

something that's called a Judicial

Committee and if they ask you a lot of

questions about what you've done how

many times have you had sex what kind of

sex if you had do they make a

distinction between a handjob and anal

well yeah

oh you can even be disfellowshipped for

homosexual pornography and then it goes

up yeah so hand job blowjob anal sex

anal like their worst you can do yeah

okay

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so this is Kingdom Hall where you would

come for your meetings when you were

here the last time with this for the the

judicial process I just remember walking

out and into the car park and giving my

my parents a call to let them know the

news that's the worst kind of news that

you want to hear if you're a James

witness parent I got a letter through my

door a few days after that saying that

my family no longer would be able to see

me anymore

and I went round in the evening and kind

of said goodbye to that I guess and

those loads of Tears those of crying and

then I laughed and I Dre drove off you

know and I've never seen him since I

don't blame them for what's happened

because I understand what's going on but

I'd also just lived there to be some

connection no matter what says you know

if they can find it within themselves to

have some connection

when he was this fellowship from the

Jehovah's Witnesses he was sent a letter

by his family he told me that it was too

painful for him to read out in person so

he sent it to me

dearest Joshua it is with the deepest

sorrow and tears that we have to write

you this letter Association and texts

have to stop now

until the day when we are family again

please keep going in your resolve to

come back to us as a single day will not

go by without one of us thinking of you

we love you so much please be strong

love from mum I love you so much love

dad

the idea of not having your family there

that's still there they're not dead but

you can't be with them you can't even if

she said that he can't text them anymore

this relationship

my mom and me and the idea of her

throwing me out and not having me in her

life anymore I know it would kill her

and it would kill me they're basing

these huge life decisions on a book josh

has had literally no choice in finding

himself on the outside of his faith but

there are faith groups all over the UK

opening up to the LGBTQ community

I identify as trans masculine so I use

he/him pronouns my sexual identity I say

that I'm pansexual growing up and like

struggling with my sexual identity and

then my gender identity I just didn't

feel like I belonged anywhere so my

faith is being incredibly important

because it's always given me a reason to

keep going

could it be possible to genuinely

reconcile the desire for a faith

identity as an LGBTQ person how

important is your faith to you I had

this feeling that I was somehow

world--well that I was somehow like you

know a bit gross I was feeling like you

know if this continues then I don't want

to be on my own I don't want to feel

this isolated and kind of sad all the

time you know and like kind of

self-hating all the time I'd rather just

not be around yeah it was the knowledge

that there was this power that loved me

no matter what I did or like who I was

it's actually saved my life

did you feel that there was a fear there

because obviously you've seen the way

certain churches treat gay people in the

church that I'm in now and the church

like I came out in they practiced what

they preached in terms of being open in

solidarity with the LGBT community so I

always felt safe

so you've got a very special day coming

up is that right I am having a naming

ceremony it's kind of like a like a

dedication or a christening kind of

thing because I started my transition

over two years ago and I became quite

upset with the name that I chose and I

became quite disconnected from it

because I wasn't passing and people

would call me le so what I wanted to do

was kind of stand up in front of my

community and say hey this is me oh and

it'd be a part of the community and the

more that I've kind of come back to my

church and kind of got through the fear

and just said it this is who I am

and the more that I start loving myself

and my name again so it's actually

really important to me now you seem so

strong because of your faith you could

just feel it it's radiating from you if

you had one piece of gold and advice for

a young trans person of faith what would

it be your faith is gonna get you

through and also you have to learn how

to love yourself first I think that's

the thing because you can change your

own internal monologue even if you can't

change anybody else's mind I'm gonna see

you in a couple of weeks a year renaming

ceremony yeah I can't wait you need her

that's a to you later

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Elijah is insanely inspirational the

renaming ceremony is just going to be

that next step that he needs to take to

feel absolutely 100% comfortable in his

own skin and with this new name that

he's chosen I think it's gonna be very

very special and emotional day for him

and probably for me his an advert

suggesting gay people can be cured

through therapy has been banned by

Transport for London should you try to

cure gays well this man says therapy

changed his sexual desires I've always

been aware of my homosexual issues and

even though I've been married for almost

29 years I've been in conflict in terms

of my Christian identity and my

understanding of sexuality so it's been

my personal desire to try to establish

the greatest heterosexual potentiality

that I had had been a struggle it has

been a struggle I'm about to call dr.

Mike Davidson he's from the core trust

which is a Christian organization who

say they can change you and get rid of

your homosexuality Mike how do you help

gay people so for some people homosexual

feelings are inconsistent with the

values that they hold because we see it

as a developmental issue it is something

that we think anybody can work on if

that's what they want to do a

developmental issue to explain that so

developmental in that context is about

post natal in other words what happens

to you after you have been born the

environment is very important do you

believe that homosexuality is a choice

certainly in my case it wasn't a choice

I found that I had these feelings and I

was not consciously a way of choosing

anything but I recognized in my life

that I had choices around those feelings

and I think that that is a very

important dimension that is being lost

today where you shameful of your

homosexuality absolutely I was because I

didn't understand it for me it didn't it

didn't sit comfortably and certainly

certainly there was a spiritual

component to this there was an

understanding of a biblical worldview

and I'm not talking about eight

scriptures I'm talking about the whole

tone and tenor of Scripture is it

possible for a gay person to be

religious and for the two to live in

harmony clearly there are individuals

who hold those two things together and

are happy doing so but if you take the

biblical scholarship there is no way you

can reconcile modern understanding of

homosexuality and spiritual faith that

is Bible based before a client coming to

you seeking your service yeah

what sort of cost is it zero so you do

it from the goodness of your own hearts

I do it because professionals in this

country have reneged on their

responsibility to be open minded to

people who are being denied the right

and the freedom to go in the direction

that they want to go in they are being

told that they don't know what's good

for them

that's why I do it thank you so much for

your time have a good day Mike I'm sorry

but if you're offering people this

service you are telling them that there

is something lesser or something wrong

with their sexual identity and their

sexuality I find it deeply deeply

insulting that anyone even a therapist

would say that my sexuality is

interchangeable

I think I think sexuality is incredibly

complex I don't think we can put it down

to adjust being a choice this is one

thing that I just I'm just so adamant

about the Enquirer is not a choice no

absolutely not

when people ask me if gays a choice is

crying Fiore in a ridiculous statement

you can't help who you love I didn't

choose to be this way I wouldn't choose

to put myself through all of this stress

do you know what if it was a choice I

would definitely be gay

100% I love being gay homosexuality is

not accepted in Islam so the Muslim

community will never accept

homosexuality in a hope you either be

gay or you be Muslim no one is people

like me meant to do then I was brought

up in an Islamic household I'm from

Islamic community I'm from a very

conservative Pakistani community for a

lot of young Muslims living here in the

UK that can be a cultural pressure for

them to get married and the idea of

coming out is simply not an option I got

to meet Miriam who says she wants to be

with a woman right now is on the hunt

for a marriage of convenience for Miriam

the stakes are high this is not her real

name and it's not her own flat why is it

so important for you to get married put

on you as a young child especially for

me though you know eventually one day

you will get married you're gonna have

kids always ball comes out to Muslim

it's a coach other states thought in our

relationship between same-sex isn't the

new way in any punished you know the

boys at home

how do identifying out religiously I'm

on the cusp of being an atheist with the

painful tricks with who you are that

kind of made me stay with you dear

parents think that you're a devout

Muslim Muslim no and yes if your parents

were to find that mmm about your

sexuality what would happen if you and

losing your family for you is lost in

more today

do you fear South Africa we asked them

you're gonna tell me a bit about

marriage of convenience what is it this

is just a social couple up you know but

I'm in a heterosexual relationship on

the outside I think there are with

people of the same sex

would you mind and sell me a profile

yeah okay this is your description of

yourself yes yes you can pose strictly

platonic marriage of convenience I'm not

looking for any sort of sexual

relationship they should be an

understanding between merely individual

don't be freely get on with our lives

don't be friends well it's the weirdest

dating app profile I've ever seen

so when you're with a girl at what point

do you tell them I am looking for a gay

man to be my kind of cloak it's gonna be

hard one if I was in that situation I'd

be like you know trying to find that

special one that would be an incredible

woman would I think she's out there I

hope she is a marriage of convenience is

away from Miriam to hold on to her

family and wider community she's not

willing to give up on them even if it

means she must live a life in the

absence of acceptance it's an

interesting alternative

I got these amazing little chocolates

for Elijah to celebrate today because

obviously it is a massive massive day

and it's been an absolutely huge time

coming

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why is it that this church practices

such inclusivity and such openness

compared to most of the others the Bible

says on the very first page that every

man and every woman is made in God's

image that's what it's about

so everyone is welcome whatever their

gender their gender identity and their

sexuality they are welcome here in this

church it's a great thing I think it

being called we're about to start I

don't acknowledge it I'm looking for

ceremony

thank you Steve Cheers god bless you

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welcome everyone it's great to see you

here at Oasis Church Waterloo we have

this wonderful opportunity this morning

of worshiping adult together I'm going

to ask Elijah to come to the front

Elijah is going to be at named so Elijah

they welcome Elijah's obviously a little

bit nervous I guess standing up in front

of people but Elijah will explain to you

why he's come to this point and why this

moment is a sacred and holy and special

moment for us all I came out as female

to male transgender over two years ago

what's the process of accepting and

showing my gender identity was freeing

on so many levels it's also proven to be

the hardest and most challenging

experience of my entire life but I found

that the more that I shared my new name

with people around me the more I also

started learning to apologize for who I

was I apologize for my voice being too

high for my body being too feminine for

my interest being too stereotypically

female um because the world around me

didn't seem to accept me I stopped

accepting myself I lived in fear of

having to explain my gender identity

because how do you explain a part of

yourself that you've learnt to hate

this act of allowing myself to be seen

and heard reminds me that today is about

letting go of my shame my fear and my

self doubt and today I can honestly say

that I am proud to be Elijah and I am

grateful to be able to share my story

with you in a space that I know to be

safe in encouraging thank you

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will you the congregation of this church

commit yourselves to Elijah to play your

part in supporting him through your love

and active ongoing care and prayer

[Applause]

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[Applause]

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you feel like you've been reborn yeah

you did

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take it or leave it

yeah I'm Elijah and I think they took it

well I once said we do Daniel

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yes

it's like nothing I've ever seen before

you know growing up in a very different

religious setup that there is so much

love in this room so proud of you

welcome there are churches there are

religious groups like this that accept

everyone

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doesn't affect how you are outside of

this building what happened today I'm

gonna remember everyone standing up and

just accepting me anything I've got a

community so it doesn't matter what

people think of me anymore outside of

this community and I feel better in

lanceton thanks for having me what a

special day to be part of yeah I claim a

faith

yeah I tend to shy away from the word

religious because I think has a lot of

negative connotations identified this

Christian in the past but not anymore I

don't really feel like it has a place my

life

no I'm spiritual because because the

religion has caused many problems in the

world but the truth of the matter is the

Bible says God is love I identify as a

spiritual person who appreciates lots of

different religions I know what I

believe in I know who I believe in and I

try and do right by that everything that

I've prayed for I've got

I caught up with former Jehovah's

Witness Josh in his new life I'm here in

his new home his new habitat if you like

to see what he's like as a young open

free gay man in the middle of East

London and of course I brought some

beverages I've always been told by my

mother never arrived to a party with

swinging hands oh my God look at your

flat I think you've court it's actually

painful so I love your interior design

so that's the gay in me common aha so

you know I was in tonight um I'm

actually not sure I've never been like

out out in Eastland okay what am I so

we're going to see this bar called the

glory tonight it's a gay bar and it's

quite unique I found people here now

that have become my new family that have

taken me under their wing that have kind

of made friends with me and said look

Josh if you need us at any time we're

here for you and I think that's really

important my in the ongoing process

because it's it's not ended yet for me

you know there's still a process that I

need to go through continually to carry

on figuring myself out and I guess

figuring what's going on in my head

Cheers

you have to look into the eyes when you

change with over seven years of our sex

oh yeah yeah it's good good that's

really good time for Josh to show me

what his new life has to offer

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the environments that was raised

Jehovah's Witness it was very controlled

you know you're expected to be the

person that they wanted you to be I can

be myself in my hometown I felt traps I

felt last is a path for to be both a gay

man and Tibet to your religion whatever

that religion may be can you have both

in the same world so my particular

religion I don't think it's possible I

think it is possible however to be gay

and take religious values from the Bible

and to apply them in your life but for a

particular religion where Jehovah's

Witnesses I think it's I think it's

impossible to lead two lives at the same

time

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look of course an LGBTQ person can have

faith but how they choose to live in

that faith and practice it is an

extremely personal thing does God really

hate queers I don't hit sir

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you

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you