Original subtitles

It just seems like such a shame to

- let one of them go. - I know, but...

..now I've officially moved out of my dad's house,

we can't keep them both.

Oh, my God, you're a hoarder and I hate clutter.

That one. I much prefer the plug on that one.

But they're identical. They're the same model.

And...

..this is the worst remote. They can have this one.

They're exactly the same.

That's them. Please be careful. They've already paid.

- I will. - Thank you.

I'm coming!

All right!

All right, mate. Here for the TV.

Er, yeah. It's just there.

- Why? - Oh, it got stuck, yeah.

It's, er, not damaged, so...

It's yours to take away.

No budging, mate.

Listen, I'm getting my money back.

Oh, wait.

I'll give it a little kick.

Well, there's less clutter now.

Great.

Oh, what have you done to my beanie?

No, that's a sock.

- There's two. - Oh, yeah.

listen, I'm... I'm worried about this weekend.

My dad can't swim.

Don't worry, I've been thinking about it.

He can come in the canoe with me.

Maybe he could go with someone else,

because you're not exactly the strongest swimmer, either.

Front crawl legs and breaststroke arms.

Unconventional, but it works for me.

You're definitely going to wear life jackets, aren't you?

Yeah, it's a proper canoeing place. Why are you so worried?

Well, it's getting quite close to the wedding,

and you and my dad are quite important parts of the ceremony.

If one of you drowns,

it's going to take the shine off my special day.

And Cooper.

He's very important. He's the best man.

Yeah, but, if he drowned, the wedding would still go ahead.

Yeah.

There is a reason I wanted to share a boat with your dad, though.

I think it's important that me and him bond this weekend.

- Really? - I want him to realise that

he's not just losing, you know, you, his only daughter, but

he's gaining me as a son.

That's...really nice.

It makes you look better!

Hello, sailors!

You all right, mate?

Good to see you, fellas. Thank you for coming!

Hey, big guy.

Thanks for inviting me.

Me and your mum, we were really touched.

I only did it for her.

Your friends are great. That guy fell asleep on the train

and they drew a flipping pair of glasses and a 'tache on him!

So raucous.

- Are you all right, Eric? - Yeah, yeah, no, I'm good.

Look, I've just been having a chat with your man, Chris.

He's not a strong swimmer

and I've done a few years of the old competitive kayaking,

so we were saying he should probably come with me in a two-man.

No, he's coming with me. He'll be fine.

But I can't swim, Leslie, so just in case, eh?

Yeah, but we're going to do it together so we can bond.

Or maybe we could just stick to single canoes and...

You can't swim. You'll be a lot safer with me.

You reckon?

Here he is. The stag!

Come here, come here, mate.

Now, listen.

I've got to get a few embarrassing photos of you this weekend

for my speech, which I'm doing on PowerPoint.

Oh, what? Eric's already got a pair of glasses drawn on him?

This is going to get messy, right?

Cooper, I've heard a lot about you.

I'm Steve, Leslie's mum's...partner.

What's up, Steve? Hang on, did you bring your own life jacket?

Yeah, you got me. Left the kayak at home today.

Ignore the white-water instructor badge on this bad boy -

- I'm just a newbie. Honest! - Sweet, sweet.

Well. I guess you're the one to beat, then, eh?

It's not a race, is it? It's a bit of fun and a pub lunch.

Well, well, we've got to make things interesting, you know?

Last one in the pub's got to get a few hefty shots in, at least.

- Like it. You're on. - Right, OK. Let's do it.

Do you need a wee before we head off?

No. I'm fine.

Just had one.

Can you take this for us? It won't fit in mine.

Are you joking?

I've got to beat this guy, Les.

Here he is in your house, where you grow up, with your mum.

Who does he think he is?

Sour. Steve!

We'll go much faster than that lot, because there's two of us.

- Double power, innit? - I don't think it works like that.

We need to get a rhythm.

It's the size of Cooper's bag that's slowing us down.

- The size of it for one night! - Look, let's have a tactical rest.

- What, again? - I'm doing all the work back here!

Your paddle's hardly touching the water half the time.

Er, well, I feel like you're just dragging yours.

Well, I'm not.

- We need a downhill bit. - It's water, Leslie. It's flat.

Here, if you look at the map,

the way we're going isn't the quickest way to the pub.

- We can cheat and go through that bit, look. - Show me.

No, no. That bit might be blocked off.

Then we'll have to come all the way back round

and we've missed the lunch.

Let's stick to the proper route.

But, look, it's easy. We can get there before them.

- Imagine their faces. Come on. - No, no.

Let's just stick to the map, all right?

They're not that far in front.

I can still just about make 'em out.

- It's a short cut, trust me. - Trust you...

What do you mean by that? What are you saying?

All I'm saying is we should stick to the map.

Why DO you think I'm an idiot?

Leslie...

..you got me arrested by armed police.

You nearly broke my back with a piano.

You ruined my favourite birthday present ever.

And you've almost run my business into the ground.

I sometimes think you only focus on the negatives with me, Chris.

No, I don't.

All right. Come on, let's take your short cut. I trust you.

All right.

There you go, Chris. Coming round to my way of thinking now.

I mean, do you think the shape of the river's changed

since they drew the map?

Not to this extent, no.

Do you think we should head back?

I don't think we'd find our way back. We just need to press on.

I'm sorry about earlier.

It's just that you're going to walk Jemma up the aisle,

and my dad's not around to walk me up the aisle.

And if I'm honest, mate,

I've started to see you as a bit of a father figure.

You know?

- All right, mate. - Cheers.

I think I need a hug.

- Let's have the hug when we're on dry land, shall we? - All right.

I'll hold you to that, you big softie.

Right, come on, let's power through.

I'm not missing that meal, it's been prepaid.

And you can't miss it because you're the stag, right?

- Yeah. - Right.

Hang on. I need a wee.

Well, can't you go over the side?

- Well, I don't think so. - I won't look.

No. I think we need to moor up.

There's an island over there.

- Let's head to that. - All right. And, when we get there,

I'll call the others and tell them were running late,

and they can order for us.

Yeah, right. OK, I'll race you.

- Nearly there. Cross your legs. - Yeah.

I'm going to go straight to that tree there.

- As soon as we get off. - This bit here. This'll do us. See?

- Yeah. - This'll do us.

- Slow down, then. - All right.

Just here.

All right.

OK. Right. Breach your oars.

There we go. OK.

Let me get out first.

- Leslie. - I'm desperate, mate.

Leslie.

Let me get out first.

Leslie! Let me...

It's so cold!

Get me... Get me up!

- Get me up! - It's so cold.

Chris...

- Freezing! - Got to get the kayak.

No!

You'll get hypothermia going all that way out.

I don't need to do a wee any more.

The bag!

The bag.

Do you want to have that hug now?

Not right now.

I'm going to call the others.

Phone's dead.

- Mine's completely fine. - Yeah?

Yeah.

No signal, though.

Well, hold it up high and walk around.

- Anything? - Can't see. Hang on.

No, nothing. There's no 4G, no 3G, no signal.

What is this place?

It's a small island on a public waterway,

ten miles from Hemel Hempstead,

and it's about three in the afternoon,

so let's not freak out, all right?

Look, why don't you climb that tree?

- What for? - To get a signal.

They'll all be sat around now, won't they? Eating their steaks.

Couple of pints in.

- Out the way. I'll climb it. - No, no, let me.

I insist. You're a lot fatter than me.

If you fall out that tree, we could both be killed.

Any joy?

No, no signal up here.

All right, come on down.

We can't stay in these wet clothes much longer.

Well, go on, walk around and get a signal.

- Any signal? - Nothing.

They'll be on their pudding by now.

I could kill a pint.

I am freezing in these wet clothes.

Yeah.

Cooper's bag.

Yeah.

Are there any dry clothes in there?

No, they're all wet.

- Hang on. - What is it?

Fancy dress. They're in plastic.

Oh, this one's warmer. Do you want this one?

No, no, this is good.

- I'm just going to... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- ..go behind the tree. - All right.

- This is good. - Yeah!

- The legs. - This little monkey is keeping my legs nice and warm.

A bit of a touch. Yeah. And it's good for morale.

Yeah... Is there any food in the bag?

Handcuffs.

Inflatable sheep.

- Bingo. - What is it?

- Booby sweets. - Is that it?

Well, I suppose the sugar will be good.

These are lovely.

- Hey, there's a bottle of champagne in here! - Yes, thank God!

You've just got to blow it up.

What use is that to us?

We could write the word "help" on it

and then throw it out on the water?

Look, we could be here for hours, all right?

We need to ration the booby sweets.

What...?

Why has no-one come back for us, Chris?

Because we went completely off the map, remember?

Nobody knows we're here.

Well, it's going to get dark soon.

- I say we go and do some more shouting. - Yeah, come on.

- Hello? - Hello?

Can you hear us, anyone?

Hello?

We're stuck on this island.

Help us!

We need a plan B.

Hey, Chris.

There's loads of wood round here.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- Yes, we need to build a... - A raft.

- ..a fire. - No, we need to build a raft.

No, no, we need to build a fire.

You see, it's getting colder, plus the fact,

somebody might see the smoke.

No, we'll build a raft by lashing bits of wood together, like...

It'll be like a team-building exercise.

And what are we going to lash the wood together with?

Cooper's clothes? Like, we've got oars, we've got paddles.

- Come on! - No, the water's too cold to risk it. It's too dangerous.

Right, then, I'll do it on my own, then.

I'm no expert, but I don't think

we're going to get very far on that.

Now, I have found this piece of flint,

and if we bang it with steel, we can make a spark.

OK, I give up. Let's have a fire.

There's hotel matches in Cooper's wash bag.

What? Why didn't you tell me?

Well...

..I thought that building a raft together

would be good for our...

..bromance, you know?

This is not a bromance.

The only thing we have in common is

we're stuck on this island together.

Now, do something useful. We need some kindling, all right?

Look in your wallet,

see if there's anything dry that we can burn.

Um, some receipts.

A bit damp. A fiver?

What's that?

I'm not burning that.

- Well, we've got that in common. - Yes, we do.

- Right, let's get this fire lit. - Yeah.

See, we could be out of here in an hour.

Back to the hotel, suited and booted,

out on the town with the lads.

Well, you can say what you like about my raft,

but at least it's keeping us warm, eh?

Yeah.

Yeah!

You know, I always wanted my dad to take me camping,

but he was always too busy with work.

Well, maybe he thought that was

the best thing he could do for you.

Yeah.

I'm a bit annoyed that no-one's come

to try and find us, you know?

Some mates, eh?

Maybe they have.

Have a booby sweet.

Don't mind if I do.

I love booby sweets.

I bet all my mates love Steve.

Look, I don't want to talk out of turn

but he said something to me earlier.

- Yeah? - He said...

.."The next stag do...

"..will be mine."

Really? Congratulations, Chris. That's amazing...

No, no, not mine!

His.

What, he's going to propose to my mum?

I think he already has, mate.

I reckon he was just after your blessing this weekend.

- I think he was just sounding me out on it. - What?

Shouldn't he have got my blessing before he asked?

I mean, dating's one thing, but...

Leslie, you can't stop someone you love getting married

to who they want to.

No matter how hard you try.

Well, I'm not going to the wedding.

And if they want to be a pageboy, they can stick it...

Hello?

Hello? Hello? We're here!

- Help! Help! - He-e-e-elp!

Can you help us? We are stuck on this island.

Why isn't he coming?

Oh, my God, look how we're dressed. Take it off, take it off!

Help us!

Where's he going?

You've taken your pants down!

- Come back! - Come back!

We're normal people!

Booby sweet?

No, Chris, I blew it.

I didn't mean to pull my pants down as well.

All of this is my fault. It's always my fault.

Who'd want to gain me as a son, eh?

It was my fault we got undressed.

Oh, it's...

..itchy.

I just hope no-one's contacted Jemma. She'll be worried sick.

Can't stand the thought of that.

That hadn't even crossed my mind.

You see, Leslie, all I wanted was

for someone to look after Jemma and make her happy.

And you do that.

I do want to make her happy.

She wants to have kids.

I want to have kids.

- What if I can't have kids? - Oh, don't be daft!

People struggle but they get there in the end.

- Not everyone. - Well, I think Steve's a rare case.

Steve?

Yeah.

Sorry, I thought you knew.

That's why he started dating older women. He can't have kids.

He's always getting his heart broken by younger women

because he couldn't give them what they wanted.

Oh, I didn't know that.

What, he told you all of that

while you were putting on your life jackets?

I think he just needed to talk.

Do you want another booby sweet?

- Yeah! - There you go.

Orange flavour.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, thank God! Yeah, we're over here!

Hello?

We're over here!

Leslie! Chris!

Oh, thank goodness!

I've been looking for hours.

Right. Get that oar, that's it, give it to me, give it to me.

Get out.

Come by the fire.

There we go.

How many booby sweets are left?

..one.

- The others out looking? - No.

Just me. We had the lunch and then they all went off.

- I said I'd hang back and look for you. - Did you speak to them?

I was texting them but...I've lost signal now.

They're having a great time, so...don't worry.

- And you've been...paddling around all this time? - Yeah.

Just going back and forth along each waterway.

I'm used to white water, so...piece of cake.

Give him the last of the booby sweets.

You're a good man, Steve.

- Yeah. - Come on,

what else was I going to do? Sharon's only son, here?

I couldn't let anything happen to him.

She'd kill me!

Are you all right?

Yeah.

I'm fine. I'll just warm up and go for help.

Not like that, you won't.

- No, take off the Babygro first, mate. - He's not well, Leslie.

It's pitch black and it's freezing cold. We all stay here.

Someone will come.

I... I actually wanted to talk to you, Leslie.

Before your mum does.

Yeah, Chris told me.

Well, I won't go through with it unless you're totally happy.

I'll respect your wishes.

Yeah, I'll have to think about it, Steve.

It's a bit weird.

I know.

We should be handcuffing you to a lamppost by now.

Yeah. Oh, this is it, innit?

Right, this is the pinnacle of embarrassing photos.

Oh, God, yeah.

I found them!

We're over here.

Oh, God, this is amazing, absolutely amazing.

Well, this is going on Instagram straight away.

Don't...

No signal. Honestly!

Who cut up my pants?

He'll be all right, won't he?

Yeah, He's got a bit of exposure so best we take him in,

get him hydrated and checked out.

- Right, one person can go in the ambulance with him. - I'll go.

No, it's all right, Chris, I should go.

See you later, fellas.

Never did have that hug, did we?

Worst one yet!

- Right, I'll see you back at the hotel. - Yeah.

Are you a relative?

Um, yeah.

That's my stepdad.