Original subtitles

Yeah. You just lay still and I'll be back in 20 minutes.

Ok...

Well, I'll just wait here...then.

Fire alarm activated. Please proceed to the nearest exit.

Hello?

Fire alarm activated. Please proceed to the nearest exit.

Hello?

Fire alarm activated. Please proceed to the nearest exit.

Fire alarm activated. Please proceed to the nearest exit.

Morning.

And then she just left cos she knew him...

Fire drill's over, everybody. Thank you very much.

Oh, yeah, fourth floor.

Excuse me. Thank you.

- Number four, please. Sorry. - Oh, sorry.

- Excuse me. Excuse me. - Sorry.

Sorry.

- Fifth floor, please. - Oh, no, not any more.

Sorry.

- Oh, sorry. - Yeah, floor nine.

Yeah, I feel like a new man.

And they don't just do acupuncture, they do Swedish massage...

They do Reiki, they do cupping.

I mean, I don't even know what cupping is.

Well, if you're feeling so great, maybe it should be you up here.

I need to ease myself back into it.

Anyway, it's how you lift -

I haven't hurt my back in 30 years of doing this.

I need to be down here to work out if anything's valuable.

Hey, "Made in China."

Weren't Ming vases made in China?

Just put it in the bag.

Cheers, Chris.

The thing is, there is no treasure.

Someone's been through here looking for valuables.

This is all junk.

Oh, I hope this isn't what I think it is.

Great.

No treasure, hey?

Are you sure?

This is a genuine...

Musicola.

It's got mice living in it.

Come on, let's get it out to the van.

This could be worth thousands.

Look, it's all damp, it probably doesn't even work.

- That's the only thing I can play. - Pretty good.

- You should have had lessons. - Yeah, I did.

Four years of lessons.

The dump shuts soon - come on, let's go.

I want to take it into town, to an antique shop, and flog it.

Well, I am going to the dump,

and you'll pay more to get this moved than you will flogging it.

- Yeah, but it's not that far. - But you haven't got a van!

Yeah, but four years of piano lessons taught me

that these things...

Have little wheels.

If you walk out of here now with that piano, it's your problem.

I never want to see it again.

Not my problem.

Chris, it's my ticket out of here.

Chris, can you help me with the steps?

Jackpot.

Is the manager around?

Um, I've got something very special I'd like to show them.

What is it?

Uh, this piano.

Could I? Do you mind if I...?

Thank you.

Yes?

I'm Leslie and this is a lovely restaurant, sir,

but would the ambience not be improved by this?

Tell me this isn't going to pull the punters in?

- It's classy, isn't it? - No, no, no.

Eh, Tony, abbiamo bisogni di musica.

Ma que musica, nonna?

Non c'e soldi!

Ma si! Musica del vivo!

Que vivo? Non c'e soldi! Ha capito, nonna?

Ma si, si, si!

E ho visto abbiamo bisogno di musica e piu simpatica!

Dai!

Dai, dai, dai!

How much?

£500.

A night?

Are you having a laugh?

I pay you £100,

you play 8 till 11.

Oh, no, sorry, it's not me that's playing... Sorry...

Did you say £100 a night?

OK, and a free dinner.

Yeah, deal.

- 8 o'clock. - Yeah.

And you will change your clothes, right?

Oh, yeah. I've got a...

Piano suit.

Eight. All right, see you.

I'm back!

Are you in?

Yeah!

- Are you there? - Yeah!

What do you want to do tonight?

Can't do anything.

I'm working. I've got a new job.

What?

I've got a new job, I'm working.

What?

I'm working!

A job?

Since when?

Since today.

Got to leave soon.

I start at eight...

What's the job?

- You know that Italian on Bridge Street? - Yeah.

Just in there.

But doing what?

- Oh, well, you know, the usual. - What, being a waiter?

Yeah. Yeah.

Have you told my dad?

Yeah, I texted him earlier. Hope he doesn't take it too bad.

I think he'll bounce back.

Have you done this because you thought I was embarrassed

about you doing house clearances?

No.

It's just that you haven't really got any waiting experience,

have you?

Well, I didn't tell them that.

It's really good money, Jem.

I suppose a little white lie never hurt anyone.

Nah.

Maestro!

Benvenuto!

Lei vuole sonar cose di bello per noi questa sera, vero?

Si?

- Eh, prego, prego. - Prego, yeah.

Start playing whenever you are ready.

E un ragazzo talentuoso.

Actually, can I order some dinner? Could I...?

Cos I don't want to play on an empty stomach.

Yeah...

I'll go get Natalie.

So, busy tonight, isn't it?

Are you working or are you going to stay...? Hello.

Hiya. Lasagne or fish?

Lasagne, please. Lasagne, right.

Right.

Meraviglioso.

Do you do requests?

- Um, well... - Could you do My Girl by The Temptations?

It's my mum's favourite song.

Oh, I'd have to have a think if I remember it.

I'm here with my sister. It would mean the world to us.

It would have been Mum's birthday today.

It's the last song she ever heard.

- All right, well, I'm going to try my best. - Thank you.

Yeah, I do remember it.

Yeah, of course.

Natalie, is that the lasagne?

Is that the lasagne?

- Oh, yeah. - Is it...adult portion?

Yeah.

Um, I want the fish. Can I change my...?

Natalie.

Change my order.

I want to change my order.

I want to change my order.

What? My order.

What?

I don't want the... I don't want the lasagne any more.

Can I change it to fish?

Yeah, OK.

- Tony, is it all right if I go to the loo? - It's over there.

Cool. I'll just be one minute.

I like this bit most.

- Your dinner's ready, mate. - Right.

- Your extra chips, Maestro. - Ah, thank you.

My compliments to the chef. Everything has been exquisite.

Oh, good.

Do I get a pudding as well?

So, how long have you been playing the piano?

Oh, well, I've been tinkling the old ivories for...

Well, years, ever since I was a little boy.

Who's your favourite pianist?

Oh, well, it's difficult to say.

Well, who inspired you to start playing?

The dog from the Muppets.

Rowlf?

Yeah, you can say what you like about him, he was good.

He really went for it. You had to admire his enthusiasm.

What about, like, what classical pianists inspired you?

Beethoven.

What did we say about me getting a pudding?

What's your favourite piece by Beethoven?

- His 5th Symphony. - Yeah, the fifth one.

Oh, yeah.

Cos he, you know, had four goes at it and by the fifth...

He'd nailed it.

Yeah, I know what you're up to.

What?

I know what you're up to.

I play the piano.

Oh, a fellow musician.

Yeah, you're miming and you're not doing a very good job of it.

OK, what do you want?

- Half. - Half?

No way.

All right, then, I'll go and tell Tony

- about your little scam, then, shall I? - All right.

Half. Fine.

Oh, and just a little tip - this hand does the low notes

and this hand does the high notes.

You're all over the place.

Thank you.

Oh, hello.

- Sangita, this is Leslie, my fiance. - Hello.

- I've heard so much about you. - Oh, all good, I hope.

Well, this is a nice surprise.

Shall we...?

- Shall we have some drinks? - Yeah, OK.

Excuse me, could you get these ladies some drinks, please?

Well, nice to meet you...see you.

- I've got to go over there now. - OK. Yeah.

- I'm not paying you to stand around. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Jemma, you didn't tell me he was a pianist.

No, I did... I didn't know. We didn't... We didn't know...

How good he was.

He's amazing.

You are so lucky.

My Scott doesn't have a musical bone in his body.

Aw, doesn't he?

What are you doing here?

Well, I was coming to tell you that I'm not ashamed of you.

Whether you're a removals man or a waiter, I love you.

- Thank you. - But now I'm thinking - how are you doing that?

Does he think you're playing it?

You said a little white lie never hurt anyone.

I think he could really hurt you.

He's never going to find out.

Hopefully.

I'm going to go and order.

All right. Enjoy the show.

- Oh, Jemma. - What?

Don't get the lasagne.

- Why? - It's tiny.

What?

It's tiny.

Thank you.

Those boys are looking at us.

Everyone, can I have your attention, please?

This next song is dedicated to my beautiful fiancee,

who's sitting there.

We're getting married in a few weeks

and I wanted to dedicate a song for you.

Um, well, she's always supported me and been proud of me

no matter what job I've done...

Piano job I've done, right from the early days

when I just had a little piano with just a few keys

to playing at the...

Grand...National...

Piano Centre.

Anyway, this one's for you, Jem. I love you.

I love this one.

Just joking.

It's a medley!

Get it out! Get it out now!

Well, I suppose it's not all bad, is it?

How?

- Well, we both got a free dinner. - Oh, yeah.

Here he is.

Leslie.

- Well, I nearly earned 100 quid. - No, 50. 50.

That ain't going in my van. I'm working first thing.

Can't we just dump it somewhere?

I'm not fly-tipping in my company van.

What time does the dump open?

And I'm not getting up at six to go to the dump, no.

This is what we're going to do...

We're going to wheel it up there,

leave it outside the charity shops.

"Please take," That's clever.

But isn't that just fly-tipping?

It's middle-class fly-tipping.

Right, get down, Jem. Come on. Let's do it.

I'm going to do my back in, pushing this.

Well, then, you should go and see my acupuncturist.

I mean, people say it doesn't hurt,

right, but it definitely does.

Oh, those mice were so cute.

I want a mouse, actually. I'm getting one.

- Chris, can I have my job back, please? - Yeah.

- I'll pick you up in the morning, usual time. - Nice one.

I reckon we're going to find some treasure any day now.