Original subtitles

[ Mac ]

A reading from the Holy Bible.

Genesis, chapter one.

"God created

the heaven and the earth,

and the earth was without

form and void, and darkness was

upon the face of the deep..."

Hey, buddy, do we have

to be kneeling

this entire time?

Yeah, this is not comfortable.

I mean, it's gonna get

uncomfortable.

Yes, you need to be kneeling.

It's 11:58, and Mac Day's about

to officially start.

- I want there to be ceremony.

- Are we gonna be in the

dark the whole time?

My goodness, this is

a lot of complaining.

Charlie, can you please remind

everyone of the rules?

We are about to officially

begin Mac Day.

For the entirety of this day,

we will forced to do everything

Mac wants us to do.

And if anyone is caught

complaining?

An extra day is added

to Mac Day.

If you cannot resist the urge

to complain, you are allowed...

one scream a day

into the ceremonial

screaming pillow.

That's right.

Charlie, when it was your day,

did I complain about searching

for goblins for 10 hours

straight?

Well, ghouls, and, no, you

didn't complain, 'cause we found

three. It was pretty sweet.

We found none.

Yeah?

We found no ghouls,

we found no goblins,

we found no gremlins,

because they don't exist.

Well--

Guys.

This whole thing was

meant to bring us closer

together,

and by the end of it,

you're gonna feel

a little bit closer to me,

and if I've done my job right,

a little bit closer to God.

Because I've modeled my day

after the seven days

of God's creation,

making my one day feel

like an entire week.

Oh!

Come on, man.

Really?

For crying out loud,

my knees are--

Three, two, one,

begin!

On the first day, God said,

"Let there be...

Mac."

Seven straight hours

of lecturing?

Yeah, and five hours alone

dedicated...

to the evils of homosexuality,

from him?

Did anyone else notice that he

had an erection the entire time?

Of course.

How could

you miss it?

It was, like, shooting--

It was right there.

Shh, shh, shh-- Here he comes.

Okay, guys, I want to introduce

a new theme to the day.

So I'd like to infuse the

religious angle with the theme

of badass.

And I quote once again

from Genesis.

"And God said, '‘Let there be

a firmament in the midst

of the waters,

and let it divide the

waters from the waters.'

And God made the firmament

and divided the waters which

were under the firmament...

from the waters which were

above the firmament.

And it was so."

- There you have it.

- There we have what?

Uh, the what...?

What are you saying?

It's water. I'm saying "water,"

'cause it said water,

like, eight times.

So, it's water. That's what

the whole thing is-- water.

- Water what?

- Water and badass,

badass and water.

- Ah.

- Yes!

We're doing a Project Badass

video over the Schuylkill River.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

All right! Hey!

[ Motorcycle Idling ]

Do you guys hear

the motorcycle?

I have another special surprise.

We will be joined by my cousin

all day!

- Your cousin?

- Yeah, my cousin

from the country.

I haven't seen him in, like,

forever, but, guys, trust me.

He's, like, the second biggest

badass I know, so, it's gonna

be awesome.

Country Mac coming

to the big city.

[ Groans ]

Country Mac!

Hey, City Mac!

[ Laughter ]

[ Imitating Wind Whipping ]

[ Wind Whipping Continues ]

Holy shit,

there's two of them.

Okay, I think

I like this framing.

I don't even know

what it is

you want us to do.

[ Sighs ]

Well, I'm gonna jump from

the Strawberry Mansion Bridge.

What?

Holy shit!

Yes!

What do you mean, from it?

To the water?

[ Dee ] What?

Yeah, I'm gonna jump from the

top of the bridge to the water.

Okay, I need you to act

like concerned citizens,

but I need this

to feel real, okay, guys?

So, I need you to be neutral

about the jumper prior to the

jump, 'cause you don't know me.

You don't know this man.

But I need you to react

at the same time...

because I need to draw

the jump in later

to match your reaction.

You lost me there. What do

you mean, "Draw the jump?"

You're not jumping?

No, I'm not gonna jump.

Of course I wouldn't jump.

I draw it in later because

it's like a post effect.

Well, what's badass

about that?

Your reaction is badass,

you know?

I want you to scream, "Badass!

You know, that dude is badass!

I've never seen

anything as badass as that."

You know?

But don't say my name,

'cause you don't know this man.

That's why it feels real,

you know?

Now, later, if you want to do,

like, a Rudy-type situation...

where you carry me through

the streets of Philadelphia,

you know, that's cool.

- We won't.

- I can put that

in the schedule.

- It's that a post effect?

- No, that's a practical effect.

That would happen real,

but only if it's organic,

you know?

I'm lost, I'm lost.

This is a goddamn mess, this

whole thing's a goddamn mess.

You're not gonna be badass,

but you're gonna--

This is all sounding

a little bit like a complaint

from you guys.

Who's complaining?

We don't know

what's going on!

Everybody smile.

Everybody smiling.

We don't know you.

Mac! Mac! Mac!

Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac!

Badass! Badass! Badass!

[ All ]

Badass! Badass!

All right, Country Mac,

let's do-- Keep it going.

Keep it going.

Badass! Badass! Badass!

Let's do this!

Let's do this!

Badass.

Badass.

[ Screams ]

It's pretty high, it's good.

It's excellent,

it's gonna be great.

You better jump quick before

somebody tries to stop you.

Trust me, no one's gonna try

and stop me.

[ Man ]

Jump, asshole!

Yep. See, in the big city,

nobody cares whether

you live or die.

[ Man #2 ]

Jump, you pussy!

All right, have a nice day.

Okay, so, I'm gonna run

to the end, book as fast

as I can to the fence,

climb up to the top, stop,

climb back down to safety,

that's it.

- So, you're not gonna jump?

- I don't jump, okay?

Why does everybody think I jump?

Nobody jumps.

Evel Knievel didn't jump.

Johnny Knoxville doesn't jump.

Okay, this is big Hollywood

stuff, okay? Just stand back.

I don't want you to get hurt.

Let me handle it.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, wow! Oh, there's a man

standing on the bridge.

What?

Yes, he looks like--

Look at that.

His name is Mac.

No, we don't know his name.

We don't know it.

His name is Rudy,

I believe, you guys.

That's what it was-- Rudy.

We don't know

what his name is.

And that's okay, but we

don't know each other. Hi.

How are you?

Nice to meet you.

But it looks like

he may commit suicide.

Ah!

Suicide is badass.

Right!

No, no, no, no, Rudy's not

trying to kill himself.

We don't know his name.

He just likes to jump,

I guess.

Yeah, right.

Mac is the one who's

the badass, remember that.

Will you stop, stop, stop?

Everybody stop. Come on, guys.

What are we doing?

We got to get

on the same page.

I don't know what we're doing.

It's so unclear.

He gave us, like--

We don't know what we're doing.

Maybe just you talk.

Well, whatever it is, we got

to get on the same page.

Otherwise, we're

gonna have to do it

over and over and over--

[ Water Splashing ]

Did someone just go plop?

Someone just jumped.

Someone jumped.

He jumped! That's it!

He jumped, guys! He jumped!

The day's over, the day's over.

Country Mac is gone, he's dead.

Let's get out of here.

- Look! Look, look, look!

- What? What? Oh.

- [ Dee ] Whoa!

- [ Dennis ]

Oh, holy shit! Oh, my God!

[ Dee ]

Wow!

Well, how'd that look?

Oh, amazing! All right!

How did it look?

How did it--

It looked badass, dude.

I cannot believe you jumped.

Whoa!

No, that's not really badass,

guys. That's dangerous.

Um, can we put him

on our shoulders

and parade him around like Rudy?

I'm feeling that now.

I want to do that.

[ Overlapping Chatter ]

No, no, no, I don't think

that's gonna work anymore.

That's not gonna fit into our

schedule, you know? I mean--

- I mean, it was your idea--

- No, we're very full.

We're very full now.

This is not gonna play. We're

gonna move on to day four now.

Wait, wait, wait.

You skipped day three.

Uh, day three is when God

created trees and grass

and nature.

You know, kind of a bullshit

day, so we're gonna move on...

to day four where God

created the stars.

If you look at the Orion

constellation and then track

across to the Big Dipper,

you'll see a gaseous,

cloud-like area.

[ Quietly ]

Okay, I'm gonna need

you guys to go ahead...

and ignore everything

that this clown is saying.

God created the stars

5,000 years ago.

Uh, who has the pillow?

I need a pillow.

[ Can Clicks Open ]

I think I thought

of a way...

that we can work day three

into this experience.

No, we're on day four.

And, besides, there's no trees

or herbs in the planetarium.

But there's herb.

Hmm?

Who wants to smoke a "J"?

Oh, shit.

You brought weed?

No, no, no,

we're not smoking weed, okay?

It's still illegal

in the state of Pennsylvania.

Puff, puff, pass,

bitches.

Yeah.

Yeah, come on, Mac, shut up.

I thought you were a badass.

[ Sighs ]

There's nothing badass

about breaking the law, Charlie.

[ Coughs ]

This is gonna make it

way more fun, dude.

This isn't about fun.

It's about fearing God, okay?

I'm trying to convert you guys.

Oh, my God, is that

what this is about?

You're not gonna convert me in

one day. I don't believe in God.

Well, you should.

Because if you don't, God will

make a flood or a famine, okay?

He will destroy you

with tornadoes

and earthquakes and AIDS.

Where do you think

AIDS came from?

Uh, hello, God's gift

to the gays.

[ Groans ]

Oh, my God.

You're gonna ruin

this high, dude.

Mac, I think you're

a little confused there.

I mean, yeah, sure,

bad things do happen.

But what about sunsets?

[ Charlie ]

Oh, yeah.

French kisses.

[ Country Mac ]

The smell of rain.

- [ Dennis ]

Oh, yeah.

- That's why I believe in God.

Yeah.

Not because of the things

that he takes away from us,

but because of the things

that he gives to us.

Oh, dude.

Shit, dude.

You just ripped a hole

in my mind.

See, that's the God I--

I like that.

- I'm choosing that one.

- Excuse me, who's talking

back there?

Shut up,

science bitch.

Yeah. Yeah, shut up,

science bitch!

Aw, dude, dude, dude.

Come on, man.

He just said it.

He just said it.

He just did it.

[ Whirring ]

Oh. What the hell?

[ Machine Bangs ]

Carbs-wise, this

is gonna set me back,

but I don't even give a shit.

[ Machine Bangs ]

Yes.

- Country Mac's awesome.

- Yes.

- Yeah.

- This weed that he gave us

is awesome.

- It's--

- Yes.

Yeah.

All these years I've been

feeling like I hate karate.

And, like, I hate

Project Badass

and, like, I hate God.

- Yes.

- But, like, I realize--

You know?

What I really hate...

is Mac.

- Yes.

- Like, he's made all those

cool things suck.

Not only is he, like,

ruining my life,

but with all this God shit

that he's into...

he could be ruining

my afterlife.

Yes.

[ Grunts ]

I thought that one

was gonna--

Let me try.

So--

Yeah, I get that.

Okay, I feel like we got

a little bit off the rails

back there,

but I'm ready

to get back on.

Dude, did you guys see

the way Country Mac

was riding his motorcycle?

Badass, dude!

No, it was reckless

once again.

Come on, man.

I thought it was awesome!

He was like Batman,

just zipping

through the cars.

Totally.

He beat us here by,

like, an hour.

Oh, I want to get

a motorcycle, man.

[ Charlie ]

Dude, we should all

get motorcycles!

Okay, enough! Okay?

Enough about Country Mac.

It's still my day.

Yeah.

Thank you.

On the fifth day, God made fish.

So we'll just skip

right past that.

Yeah, we'll skip that.

You're skipping a lot

of days, dude.

Well, you can't fit it all

into one day.

That's preposterous.

You're the one who came up

with the structure,

so... that's preposterous.

All right, on the sixth day,

God created the beasts

of the earth...

and he made man

in his own image.

And beholdeth...

the image of God.

♪♪ [ Techno ]

Oh, shit.

Okay, everybody grab

some grease.

- Why?

- Because we're gonna grease up

these beefcakes.

No! No! Come on! No!

Frank, take it easy,

Frank.

Frank, you better

take it easy! Listen!

These guys work off

their beautiful glutes

for our enjoyment, okay?

The least we can do is

pay them back in tan and grease.

[ Groans ]

Greasing dudes.

Yep.

- That's why we're here today.

- I ain't doing this!

- About time you guys got here.

- Country Mac, man. Hey, bro.

Listen, dude, can you

get us out of here?

Yeah, you got to get us

out of here, man.

Get out of here?

I'm lovin' it.

I've been gettin' phone numbers

left and right.

Oh, sweet,

there's chicks here?

Chicks? No.

Dudes.

I'm into dudes.

Oh. You're gay.

Loud and proud, brother.

Loud and proud.

Yeah, ain't nothing wrong

with that.

There's nothing wrong

with that.

Honestly, it's, like,

refreshing to hear.

You know what, happy hunting,

bro, get after it.

Cool, cool, cool.

I'll see you all

in a little bit.

Cool, yeah, yeah.

See, he doesn't want us

to grease them, you know?

God, that's awesome.

Because he wants them.

It doe-- Right.

He wants them for himself.

It's so much more comfortable

when someone's gay

and open about it.

It's fantastic.

And, like, I know we've never

said this as a group, but--

Mac's gay.

Yeah, Mac's gay.

[ Charlie ]

He's gay. Okay, smiles.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! What's with all

the chitchat?

Legs and hammies

are drying up by the second.

We got stoned

and we're uncomfortable.

We're trying to deal

with the whole thing.

You guys need to start

greasing some dudes

or I'm gonna freak out?

I'm gonna freak out,

and I'm gonna add another day!

No, no, no. We'll grease,

we'll grease, we'll grease.

Give me the grease.

We'll grease

the dudes and--

Okay, that's what I like

to hear.

- But don't blow your wads

on these guys, okay?

- I mean--

We still have the karate

tournament.

We're gonna

watch you fight?

Fight? No.

No, day seven is God's day

of rest and judgment.

So I'm gonna sit back and watch

and judge everybody else

in the tournament.

Hey, Mac.

I'm drying up over here.

Sorry, Big Moe.

Sorry about that.

I'll be right there.

Get to work. Get to work.

- Come on.

- Yeah, okay. All right.

Yeah.

All right, bud.

- He's got the boner again.

- Well-- Yeah. Yeah.

Well, at least this time

it makes sense, huh?

All right, listen.

I got an idea.

Ooh, I don't know

about this.

This doesn't feel right.

No, this is good.

This is gonna be good for him.

I promise. This is the only way.

Oh!

Hey.

I got you guys

all notebooks and pens.

We're gonna start with

the yellow belts 'cause

it's an inferior class.

Actually, we've got

a surprise for you, Mac.

Yeah. We signed you up.

You're competing.

- Huh?

- You're gonna go fight a guy.

A black belt actually.

- You're in the tournament.

- No, no, I-I don't think

that's a good idea.

Mostly because I don't have

the right gear, and I'm not--

- You're wearing a gi.

- You are wearing a gi.

Yeah, that is the gear.

That's the only gear.

I notice you're also wearing

a black belt. Now, you are

a black belt, correct?

Um, not technically.

Um, only because I haven't

subscribed to one... discipline.

But you are good enough

to fight in a black belt

tournament.

'Cause you're wearing

a black belt.

Of course.

Shit, Mac,

you can do it.

Just go right for the guy's

throat.

I know I can do it.

That's not the-- I feel like

you're talking a lot

throughout the day.

- I know I can do it.

- So if you can do it,

then do it.

I'll sign up if Mac

doesn't want to.

I'm gonna do it.

I said I was--

I was never not gonna do it.

I'm excited.

Yeah.

I-I'm really excited

to see this, man.

You are gonna kick

that guy's ass, whoever he is.

[ Imitating Wind Whipping ]

[ Exhaling ]

[ Exhales ]

This is cruel.

Oof.

- I can't watch it, you know?

- [ Dennis ] Trust me, this is

for his own good.

If he doesn't face this now,

he never will.

Yeah, it's too bad, but he's

got to get his ass kicked.

Yep. It's time

for this to end.

- Hi.

- Okay, now bow.

Not to me, Karate Kid,

to him.

Oh.

Bow.

Bow.

Ready. Fight!

[ Audience Chattering ]

- [ Karate Yell ]

- [ Screams ]

Block, point, Mac!

- Shit.

- Guys, did you see that?

I got a point! I got a point!

[ Grunts ]

[ All ]

Ooh!

Whoa!

Hell, no.

[ Indistinct Shouting ]

Oh!

[ Grunting, Shouting ]

[ Screams ]

[ Country Mac Yelling ]

[ Yelling ]

[ Laughing ]

That was badass!

He kicked

the shit out of that guy!

Well, I got the actual point.

Who cares? You lost.

Country Mac won.

Yeah, but it's about

the art, okay?

Oh, the art.

You got your ass kicked.

That's what happened.

I scored an actual point in an

actual karate tournament and

against an actual black belt.

Country Mac beat the shit

out of that guy with a beer

and his T-shirt.

Yeah, and where

is he always getting

those beers, man?

That's the most

badass thing about--

Out of the blue, he gets a beer.

No, it's years of training

finally paying off,

and an uncontested

black belt point

is the most badass--

Oh, my God, we're never

gonna hear the end of this.

Stop, stop!

Hold on a second, Mac.

No, no. Listen, you got

your ass kicked today.

That's what happened,

plain and simple.

So I want you to admit it.

Dennis, don't.

The day's almost over.

We only have a couple of hours.

No, no, no, Dee,

we have a lifetime of this

to look forward to,

and I for one

can't stand it.

You are not a badass, pal.

Admit it to us right now.

- Get on your knees!

- You are not a badass!

- Oh, my God!

- Hey, what's wrong

with you, guy?

You got a problem?

You got the problem, asshole.

[ Country Mac ]

Look out!

[ Dee Gasps ]

Shit.

You bring a knife

to a fight,

you better be ready

to use it, you jabroni.

Just... don't come back here,

you punks.

Aw, you made him look

like a bitch!

Holy shit.

Nice, very nice.

Oh, you are badass, dude.

How'd you know he had

a knife on him?

I gave him an ocular pat down.

Assessed the threat level.

Clocked a knife in his boot.

Huh! Holy shit.

[ Charlie Whoops And Chuckles ]

Guys, I may have had a little

bit of an accident in my pants,

so I think I got

to change out of this gi.

He just gave that guy

an ocular pat down,

and it actually worked.

- It worked.

- He made a lucky guess,

and he put us all in danger.

You made a poopy

in your pants!

Did anybody else

do a poo-poo in their pants?

No. Of course not.

This is

our head of security!

I don't need to listen

to this, okay? I'm gonna

change out of this gi...

and then we're gonna

keep going

with the day, okay?

I have a series of lectures

that we're gonna get to.

Go get the poop

out of your pants.

I can't wait for the

lectures. Goddamn, man.

The guy is in complete denial

about absolutely every aspect

of his life.

And there is nothing

we can do about it.

- I say we switch him out.

- Huh?

Country Mac

for Paddy's Mac.

We send Mac to the country,

bring Country Mac here.

Yeah, to the bar.

That's not a bad idea.

I mean, look, we'd be safer

with an actual badass

in the bar.

And we might actually become

a little bit more badass

ourselves.

We would become

more like Country Mac,

which'd be great.

We have a lot

to learn from him.

We should all get motorcycles.

- And drink much more beer.

- And smoke more weed,

you guys.

Get in fights and do all those

things. Can we make this happen

before he comes back out...?

Hey, um, hey, Country Mac,

can we just talk to you

for one quick second, buddy?

Um, listen, we were just talking

and, man, we sure would like

for you to stay with us.

I mean, like-like,

stay with us forever.

Will you be part of our gang?

Yep.

Uh, just "yep"?

Just, like--

That's it?

You're not gonna give a speech

or lecture us or anything

like that?

No bossiness?

No pontificating?

It's not my style.

I just go with the flow.

Let the wind blow

through my hair.

Yeah.

[ Engine Starts ]

Oh, wow.

I love that guy.

Aw, look at him go.

- [ Frank ]

He's really badass.

- Where's he even going?

I mean, the fact that

we don't know where he's going

makes him all the more badass.

[ Charlie ]

Uh-oh. Whoops.

[ Dee ] Whoopsie.

He fell, huh?

Tipped over

a little bit.

Ooh.

He's probably okay,

though, right?

[ Dee ]

Well, yeah, he just...

popped over.

A little-little bump.

He's fine. He's good, he's good,

he's good, he's good.

♪♪ [ Bagpipes: "Amazing Grace" ]

Country Mac lived

a reckless life.

He wasn't the kind of guy

that could score a point

in a black belt karate contest.

And it turns out,

he was totally queer.

Which, as we all know,

is a sin.

And that, coupled with his

radical religious beliefs, has

most likely landed him in hell,

where he will burn

for all eternity.

So I will ask

for a moment of silence,

in which I will beg...

God's forgiveness

for Country Mac's evil,

homo ways,

while simultaneously

doing a series

of karate moves...

that I know Country Mac

would've enjoyed so much.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

[ Imitates Wind Whipping ]

Well, guys, I think

the real lesson here is that...

there's nothing badass

about riding a motorcycle

without a helmet.

- Right.

- Plus, he was drunk

all the time.

- Yeah.

- You know what's badass?

Being alive.

Yeah. So, uh, what do we do

about this guy?

[ Wind Whipping Continues ]

Namaste. Namaste.

Okay, we will now pile

into the car, where we will go

to the countryside...

to leave Country Mac's ashes

in a place

that he loved so well.

Actually, we won't.

Because it's officially

Frank Day, so--

[ Toilet Flushing ]

All right, Pee Country Mac.

[ Voices Speaking Backwards ]