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1
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TYRES SQUEAL
2
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Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
3
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Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
4
00:00:36,530 --> 00:00:38,569
LAUGHTER
That's it, Pusface!
5
00:00:38,570 --> 00:00:38,929
LAUGHTER
That's it, Pusface!
6
00:00:38,930 --> 00:00:40,369
Jonny! Keep running!
7
00:00:40,370 --> 00:00:42,049
Get off! What?
8
00:00:42,050 --> 00:00:44,089
Pissface! Agh! Oh! Oh!
9
00:00:44,090 --> 00:00:46,129
Pissface! Agh! Oh! Oh!
10
00:00:46,130 --> 00:00:47,449
Pissface! Agh! Oh! Oh!
11
00:00:47,450 --> 00:00:49,489
I did it! You weirdo.
12
00:00:49,490 --> 00:00:49,849
I did it! You weirdo.
13
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,889
Running all the way.
14
00:00:51,890 --> 00:00:52,489
Running all the way.
15
00:00:52,490 --> 00:00:54,529
Water! Water, please?
Ugh! Please?
16
00:00:54,530 --> 00:00:57,799
Water! Water, please?
Ugh! Please?
17
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,719
My champion!
18
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,729
Salt? You bloody arsehole!
19
00:01:01,730 --> 00:01:03,769
Salt? You bloody arsehole!
20
00:01:03,770 --> 00:01:04,609
Salt? You bloody arsehole!
21
00:01:04,610 --> 00:01:06,649
It worked! It worked!
Jonathan!
22
00:01:06,650 --> 00:01:07,729
It worked! It worked!
Jonathan!
23
00:01:07,730 --> 00:01:09,529
Come in, Adam.
24
00:01:09,530 --> 00:01:11,569
YOU... can piss off!
What...? Oi!
25
00:01:11,570 --> 00:01:12,769
YOU... can piss off!
What...? Oi!
26
00:01:12,770 --> 00:01:14,119
My little Bobble.
27
00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:16,199
Running home to Mummy.
28
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:17,089
Running home to Mummy.
29
00:01:17,090 --> 00:01:19,129
That was a killer. Classic.
30
00:01:19,130 --> 00:01:19,399
That was a killer. Classic.
31
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:21,409
Ow!
32
00:01:21,410 --> 00:01:23,449
Mum! Come through, sweetie.
33
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Mum! Come through, sweetie.
34
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Dead.
35
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:29,329
HE CHORTLES
36
00:01:29,330 --> 00:01:31,249
Here you are, darling.
37
00:01:31,250 --> 00:01:33,319
Thirsty.
I bet you are. So brave.
38
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:33,649
Thirsty.
I bet you are. So brave.
39
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So brave? So disgusting!
40
00:01:35,570 --> 00:01:37,639
SNIFFS
Oh, he stinks.
41
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,649
Er, do you want me to rub my sweaty
groin juice all over your face?
42
00:01:39,650 --> 00:01:40,039
Er, do you want me to rub my sweaty
groin juice all over your face?
43
00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:42,119
You dare!
Boys! Ugh, groin juice?! Revolting!
44
00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,609
You dare!
Boys! Ugh, groin juice?! Revolting!
45
00:01:43,610 --> 00:01:45,649
TUTS
Oh, beef tonight.
46
00:01:45,650 --> 00:01:45,959
TUTS
Oh, beef tonight.
47
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,449
Beef? Boom! Yes!
48
00:01:47,450 --> 00:01:48,679
# Bring it on! #
49
00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:50,689
And I thought maybe you were going
to ask your girlfriends over,
50
00:01:50,690 --> 00:01:51,079
And I thought maybe you were going
to ask your girlfriends over,
51
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,729
you know, the ones we've never met?
52
00:01:52,730 --> 00:01:54,769
You thought wrong.
Very wrong.
53
00:01:54,770 --> 00:01:55,009
You thought wrong.
Very wrong.
54
00:01:55,010 --> 00:01:56,569
Oh, it is Dad's birthday.
55
00:01:56,570 --> 00:01:58,609
Where is the birthday boy... er,
man?
56
00:01:58,610 --> 00:01:58,849
Where is the birthday boy... er,
man?
57
00:01:58,850 --> 00:02:00,889
And what is this doing here?
58
00:02:00,890 --> 00:02:01,159
And what is this doing here?
59
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:03,169
Cos your not-mad father made me
take it all down.
60
00:02:03,170 --> 00:02:05,209
Did he?He's been such a
misery guts all day.
61
00:02:05,210 --> 00:02:06,049
Did he?He's been such a
misery guts all day.
62
00:02:06,050 --> 00:02:08,089
I don't know what to do with him.
Push him off the roof?
63
00:02:08,090 --> 00:02:08,449
I don't know what to do with him.
Push him off the roof?
64
00:02:08,450 --> 00:02:10,249
LAUGHS
Finally.
65
00:02:10,250 --> 00:02:12,289
Wait! Just a minute.
66
00:02:12,290 --> 00:02:13,159
Wait! Just a minute.
67
00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:15,079
There, Bobble. Really?
68
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:16,849
Good boy.
69
00:02:16,850 --> 00:02:18,889
Good dog. Pissface!
70
00:02:18,890 --> 00:02:19,489
Good dog. Pissface!
71
00:02:19,490 --> 00:02:21,529
Oh, hello, Martin.
GRUNTS
72
00:02:21,530 --> 00:02:21,799
Oh, hello, Martin.
GRUNTS
73
00:02:21,800 --> 00:02:23,449
Happy birthday, Dad.
Happy birthday.
74
00:02:23,450 --> 00:02:25,489
Balls! Sorry? What? Balls!
75
00:02:25,490 --> 00:02:25,969
Balls! Sorry? What? Balls!
76
00:02:25,970 --> 00:02:28,009
Can you please stop saying "balls"
every time anyone wishes you
77
00:02:28,010 --> 00:02:28,849
Can you please stop saying "balls"
every time anyone wishes you
78
00:02:28,850 --> 00:02:30,049
a happy birthday?! See?
79
00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:31,399
Why are you dressed like a berk?
80
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,049
You are in a good mood, aren't you?
81
00:02:33,050 --> 00:02:35,089
Martin, you know
Adam was running here tonight.
82
00:02:35,090 --> 00:02:35,329
Martin, you know
Adam was running here tonight.
83
00:02:35,330 --> 00:02:36,679
Why were you running again?
84
00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:38,689
Cos he's a tit. Groin juice?
Don't you dare!
85
00:02:38,690 --> 00:02:39,049
Cos he's a tit. Groin juice?
Don't you dare!
86
00:02:39,050 --> 00:02:41,089
Don't you remember?
For his training.
87
00:02:41,090 --> 00:02:41,479
Don't you remember?
For his training.
88
00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:43,249
The race, remember? Sunday?
89
00:02:43,250 --> 00:02:44,839
What? Oh, yeah. The marathon.
90
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:46,609
It's not a marathon. Really?
91
00:02:46,610 --> 00:02:48,679
You're running a marathon, aren't
you? Very good.
92
00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:49,009
You're running a marathon, aren't
you? Very good.
93
00:02:49,010 --> 00:02:51,079
You know it's not a marathon.
Sorry. Half marathon. Keep going.
94
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:51,559
You know it's not a marathon.
Sorry. Half marathon. Keep going.
95
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:53,569
You don't mean
quarter marathon, do you?
96
00:02:53,570 --> 00:02:53,929
You don't mean
quarter marathon, do you?
97
00:02:53,930 --> 00:02:55,969
Stop it, Jonny. It's not a quarter
marathon, is it?
98
00:02:55,970 --> 00:02:57,049
Stop it, Jonny. It's not a quarter
marathon, is it?
99
00:02:57,050 --> 00:02:59,089
It's a half marathon. Mum, I told
you, it's a quarter marathon.
100
00:02:59,090 --> 00:03:00,529
It's a half marathon. Mum, I told
you, it's a quarter marathon.
101
00:03:00,530 --> 00:03:02,449
That's what I've been training for
a quarter marathon.
102
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:04,249
Quarter marathon? Does that even
exist?
103
00:03:04,250 --> 00:03:06,049
I bet you couldn't run a quarter
marathon.
104
00:03:06,050 --> 00:03:08,089
Course I could. What, is it? A mile?
Er, 6.5 miles.
105
00:03:08,090 --> 00:03:09,049
Course I could. What, is it? A mile?
Er, 6.5 miles.
106
00:03:09,050 --> 00:03:11,089
6.55 miles.
107
00:03:11,090 --> 00:03:11,449
6.55 miles.
108
00:03:11,450 --> 00:03:13,489
Human calculator. Ugh! I need more
water. Allow me. Er, no thanks!
109
00:03:13,490 --> 00:03:15,079
Human calculator. Ugh! I need more
water. Allow me. Er, no thanks!
110
00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:17,089
Boys, behave!
111
00:03:17,090 --> 00:03:18,169
Pusface.
112
00:03:18,170 --> 00:03:20,809
Did you make these?
113
00:03:20,810 --> 00:03:22,849
Seriously, do you have to be
such a dick?
114
00:03:22,850 --> 00:03:23,089
Seriously, do you have to be
such a dick?
115
00:03:23,090 --> 00:03:25,159
Yup. And seriously,
do you have to smell like a sewer?
116
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:25,489
Yup. And seriously,
do you have to smell like a sewer?
117
00:03:25,490 --> 00:03:27,529
Um, no, that's just your face.
118
00:03:27,530 --> 00:03:27,769
Um, no, that's just your face.
119
00:03:27,770 --> 00:03:29,809
Sorry? Groin juice? Urgh!
120
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:30,649
Sorry? Groin juice? Urgh!
121
00:03:30,650 --> 00:03:32,689
No!Adam!
122
00:03:32,690 --> 00:03:34,129
No!Adam!
123
00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:35,569
JONNY HOWLS
124
00:03:35,570 --> 00:03:37,639
It's actually 6.554 miles.
125
00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:39,769
It's actually 6.554 miles.
126
00:03:39,770 --> 00:03:43,249
Oh!
127
00:03:43,250 --> 00:03:45,319
So, we only got you a couple of
things,
128
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:45,649
So, we only got you a couple of
things,
129
00:03:45,650 --> 00:03:47,719
cos you only asked for a
couple of things.
130
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:48,049
cos you only asked for a
couple of things.
131
00:03:48,050 --> 00:03:50,089
The world's most boring
couple of things.
132
00:03:50,090 --> 00:03:50,449
The world's most boring
couple of things.
133
00:03:50,450 --> 00:03:52,199
Here. Is this a present?
134
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:53,959
No, it's your arse.
135
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:57,409
Course it's a present!
136
00:03:57,410 --> 00:04:01,009
No need to say thank you.
137
00:04:01,010 --> 00:04:03,049
It's a battery tester.
Yes.
138
00:04:03,050 --> 00:04:03,559
It's a battery tester.
Yes.
139
00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:05,159
Well, say thank you.
140
00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,129
In a minute! I haven't tested it
yet.
141
00:04:07,130 --> 00:04:07,729
In a minute! I haven't tested it
yet.
142
00:04:07,730 --> 00:04:09,769
You're going to test the battery
tester? Obviously.
143
00:04:09,770 --> 00:04:10,489
You're going to test the battery
tester? Obviously.
144
00:04:10,490 --> 00:04:12,529
God, how much crap
do you keep in your pockets?
145
00:04:12,530 --> 00:04:13,319
God, how much crap
do you keep in your pockets?
146
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:15,289
Pillock. Here! Have a pound!
147
00:04:15,290 --> 00:04:15,559
Pillock. Here! Have a pound!
148
00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:17,329
Ow! God, Dad!Martin!
149
00:04:17,330 --> 00:04:19,399
LAUGHS
Nice shot, Dad.
150
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:19,729
LAUGHS
Nice shot, Dad.
151
00:04:19,730 --> 00:04:21,169
TESTER BEEPS
152
00:04:21,170 --> 00:04:23,209
It works.
153
00:04:23,210 --> 00:04:25,489
It works.
154
00:04:25,490 --> 00:04:26,929
You're welcome.
155
00:04:26,930 --> 00:04:28,999
PHONE RINGS
156
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:32,359
Oh, please stop calling me.
157
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,369
SIGHS
It's your wretched mother
again.
158
00:04:34,370 --> 00:04:34,849
SIGHS
It's your wretched mother
again.
159
00:04:34,850 --> 00:04:36,889
Ugh! Horrible Grandma.
160
00:04:36,890 --> 00:04:37,319
Ugh! Horrible Grandma.
161
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,049
Hello again, Cynthia.
162
00:04:39,050 --> 00:04:41,089
It's Martin's birthday.
163
00:04:41,090 --> 00:04:41,329
It's Martin's birthday.
164
00:04:41,330 --> 00:04:42,919
I know, Cynthia.
165
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:44,929
Martin's my only son.
166
00:04:44,930 --> 00:04:46,969
Cynthia, we've had this conversation
three times already.
167
00:04:46,970 --> 00:04:48,049
Cynthia, we've had this conversation
three times already.
168
00:04:48,050 --> 00:04:50,119
We're having a quiet night in,
just the four of us, OK?
169
00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:53,809
We're having a quiet night in,
just the four of us, OK?
170
00:04:53,810 --> 00:04:55,879
She hung up. Again. Good.
Nice one, Mum.
171
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:56,569
She hung up. Again. Good.
Nice one, Mum.
172
00:04:56,570 --> 00:04:58,609
I'm sorry, but I'm not having
that grotty old moose ruining
173
00:04:58,610 --> 00:04:59,239
I'm sorry, but I'm not having
that grotty old moose ruining
174
00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:02,569
another of Dad's birthdays.
175
00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:04,609
Yes, another
of Dad's wonderful birthdays.
176
00:05:04,610 --> 00:05:05,209
Yes, another
of Dad's wonderful birthdays.
177
00:05:05,210 --> 00:05:07,009
Huh?
178
00:05:07,010 --> 00:05:08,359
Here, Mr Wonderful.
179
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,009
Is that my other present?
180
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:13,900
No, it's your other arse.
181
00:05:14,330 --> 00:05:16,369
Drill bits. You're welcome again.
182
00:05:16,370 --> 00:05:18,889
Drill bits. You're welcome again.
183
00:05:18,890 --> 00:05:20,039
Where are you going?
184
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:22,009
Well, to test the drill
bits, obviously.
185
00:05:22,010 --> 00:05:22,489
Well, to test the drill
bits, obviously.
186
00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:24,529
CHUCKLES
What is wrong with him tonight?
187
00:05:24,530 --> 00:05:24,889
CHUCKLES
What is wrong with him tonight?
188
00:05:24,890 --> 00:05:26,809
Maybe we could drill
into his head to find out.
189
00:05:26,810 --> 00:05:28,849
DRILLING
Dad!Right!
190
00:05:28,850 --> 00:05:30,919
DRILLING
Dad!Right!
191
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:31,399
DRILLING
Dad!Right!
192
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:33,409
I'm not having any more of this
crap!
193
00:05:33,410 --> 00:05:34,849
My drill!
194
00:05:34,850 --> 00:05:36,199
Martin! It's your birthday!
195
00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,209
Why are you being such a grumpy git
the whole time?
196
00:05:38,210 --> 00:05:40,199
What are you talking about?
I'm serious.
197
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,569
What is going on? What?
198
00:05:41,570 --> 00:05:43,399
Nothing is going on.
199
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:44,449
TUTS
200
00:05:44,450 --> 00:05:46,369
Dad? Dad?
201
00:05:46,370 --> 00:05:48,409
HE SIGHS
All right! God.
202
00:05:48,410 --> 00:05:51,409
HE SIGHS
All right! God.
203
00:05:51,410 --> 00:05:53,449
I'm not going into space.
204
00:05:53,450 --> 00:05:54,649
I'm not going into space.
205
00:05:54,650 --> 00:05:55,729
I'm sorry?
206
00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:57,799
I'm not going into bloody space!
207
00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:58,009
I'm not going into bloody space!
208
00:05:58,010 --> 00:06:00,049
Wha...?
209
00:06:00,050 --> 00:06:00,769
Wha...?
210
00:06:00,770 --> 00:06:02,809
You're not going into space?
When are you not going into space?
211
00:06:02,810 --> 00:06:03,079
You're not going into space?
When are you not going into space?
212
00:06:03,080 --> 00:06:05,159
Tonight?
Well, obviously not tonight!
213
00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:05,449
Tonight?
Well, obviously not tonight!
214
00:06:05,450 --> 00:06:07,489
Did you see my spaceship outside?
215
00:06:07,490 --> 00:06:07,729
Did you see my spaceship outside?
216
00:06:07,730 --> 00:06:09,479
Er, have you been drinking?
217
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,449
Yeah, out of the drains?
What are you talking about, Martin?
218
00:06:11,450 --> 00:06:12,529
Yeah, out of the drains?
What are you talking about, Martin?
219
00:06:12,530 --> 00:06:14,119
I read an article.
220
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,559
Right.
221
00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:16,849
Read it.
222
00:06:16,850 --> 00:06:18,439
What? The whole article?
223
00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:20,449
Oh, bleeding hell!
224
00:06:20,450 --> 00:06:21,649
Oh, bleeding hell!
225
00:06:21,650 --> 00:06:23,569
"Affordable space travel for all
226
00:06:23,570 --> 00:06:25,639
"not expected until 2050, say
experts."
227
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:29,530
"not expected until 2050, say
experts."
228
00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:31,009
And?
229
00:06:31,010 --> 00:06:33,049
2050.
230
00:06:33,050 --> 00:06:33,319
2050.
231
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,089
And? Well, I'll be dead
by then, won't I?
232
00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:36,409
Will you? Yes.
233
00:06:36,410 --> 00:06:38,449
Right, and who told you that?
Your psychic doctor?
234
00:06:38,450 --> 00:06:39,289
Right, and who told you that?
Your psychic doctor?
235
00:06:39,290 --> 00:06:40,999
Prats. The computer system.
236
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,889
It's called the internet,
but do go on.
237
00:06:42,890 --> 00:06:44,929
There was this programme on
it, and it asks your date of birth
238
00:06:44,930 --> 00:06:45,169
There was this programme on
it, and it asks your date of birth
239
00:06:45,170 --> 00:06:47,239
and other stuff, and then it tells
you when you're going to,
240
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:47,569
and other stuff, and then it tells
you when you're going to,
241
00:06:47,570 --> 00:06:48,679
you know, die.
242
00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:50,759
Oh, Martin. Why would you do that?
243
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:51,769
Oh, Martin. Why would you do that?
244
00:06:51,770 --> 00:06:53,809
I die on April 9th, 2048.
245
00:06:53,810 --> 00:06:54,409
I die on April 9th, 2048.
246
00:06:54,410 --> 00:06:56,449
Oh, my God, Dad!
I did yours as well.
247
00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:56,809
Oh, my God, Dad!
I did yours as well.
248
00:06:56,810 --> 00:06:58,849
No way! What?
You did the boys?
249
00:06:58,850 --> 00:06:59,089
No way! What?
You did the boys?
250
00:06:59,090 --> 00:07:01,159
Er, we really don't want to know
when we die, thank you! Yeah!
251
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:01,849
Er, we really don't want to know
when we die, thank you! Yeah!
252
00:07:01,850 --> 00:07:03,889
You looked up when our lovely
sons are going to...
253
00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:05,809
You looked up when our lovely
sons are going to...
254
00:07:05,810 --> 00:07:07,399
...perish? What?
255
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:09,479
How could you do such a thing?
You didn't do mine, did you?
256
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:09,799
How could you do such a thing?
You didn't do mine, did you?
257
00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:11,569
Well, you last a couple of months
after me.
258
00:07:11,570 --> 00:07:13,639
Oh, my God! Incredible.
3rd of June, 2048.
259
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:14,759
Oh, my God! Incredible.
3rd of June, 2048.
260
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:16,729
Dad!Martin! Right.
261
00:07:16,730 --> 00:07:17,089
Dad!Martin! Right.
262
00:07:17,090 --> 00:07:19,129
Thank you for telling me
when I'm actually going to die.
263
00:07:19,130 --> 00:07:19,609
Thank you for telling me
when I'm actually going to die.
264
00:07:19,610 --> 00:07:21,529
Thank you so much!
265
00:07:21,530 --> 00:07:23,329
You're unbelievable!
266
00:07:23,330 --> 00:07:25,369
Eh? Calm down, Jackie.
267
00:07:25,370 --> 00:07:27,409
It's probably not the
exact exact date.
268
00:07:27,410 --> 00:07:27,719
It's probably not the
exact exact date.
269
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,689
Just go away. Although, it's
probably pretty close,
270
00:07:29,690 --> 00:07:30,049
Just go away. Although, it's
probably pretty close,
271
00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:32,089
because I did have to put in quite a
lot of your medical data so, er...
272
00:07:32,090 --> 00:07:32,449
because I did have to put in quite a
lot of your medical data so, er...
273
00:07:32,450 --> 00:07:34,369
Right. Thank you again!
274
00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:35,449
DOORBELL
275
00:07:35,450 --> 00:07:36,769
SIGHS
276
00:07:36,770 --> 00:07:38,809
If that's your bloody mother
coming to ruin everything...
277
00:07:38,810 --> 00:07:39,289
If that's your bloody mother
coming to ruin everything...
278
00:07:39,290 --> 00:07:41,329
I am so angry with you!
279
00:07:41,330 --> 00:07:42,649
I am so angry with you!
280
00:07:42,650 --> 00:07:44,689
Well done.
Yes, good work, Doctor Death.
281
00:07:44,690 --> 00:07:46,609
Well done.
Yes, good work, Doctor Death.
282
00:07:46,610 --> 00:07:48,679
Please don't be her.
283
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:49,009
Please don't be her.
284
00:07:49,010 --> 00:07:51,079
GROANS
285
00:07:51,080 --> 00:07:51,409
GROANS
286
00:07:51,410 --> 00:07:52,729
Jackie?
287
00:07:52,730 --> 00:07:54,599
Oh, Jim! Thank God it's you.
288
00:07:54,600 --> 00:07:56,569
Oh, Jackie, thank God it's you, too.
289
00:07:56,570 --> 00:07:57,649
Oh, Jackie, thank God it's you, too.
290
00:07:57,650 --> 00:07:59,719
Um, can I help you, Jim?
What?
291
00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:00,049
Um, can I help you, Jim?
What?
292
00:08:00,050 --> 00:08:02,089
Oh, yes, we just popped round
to wish Martin a happy birthday,
293
00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:04,129
Oh, yes, we just popped round
to wish Martin a happy birthday,
294
00:08:04,130 --> 00:08:04,369
Oh, yes, we just popped round
to wish Martin a happy birthday,
295
00:08:04,370 --> 00:08:06,289
didn't we, Milson?
296
00:08:06,290 --> 00:08:07,969
Um, hello, Jim.
297
00:08:07,970 --> 00:08:09,409
Happy birthday, Martin.
298
00:08:09,410 --> 00:08:11,089
Balls!Ugh!
299
00:08:11,090 --> 00:08:13,129
Um, Jim, could I have your date of
birth, please?
300
00:08:13,130 --> 00:08:14,929
OTHERS: Do not tell him!
Don't tell him that!
301
00:08:14,930 --> 00:08:16,969
Right, why don't you go in there
and practise holding your breath
302
00:08:16,970 --> 00:08:17,209
Right, why don't you go in there
and practise holding your breath
303
00:08:17,210 --> 00:08:19,249
for an hour, hmm?
Jackie!
304
00:08:19,250 --> 00:08:20,569
Bye-bye, Martin.
305
00:08:20,570 --> 00:08:22,249
But, Jackie!
306
00:08:22,250 --> 00:08:23,929
Anything else, Jim? Yes, um,
307
00:08:23,930 --> 00:08:25,969
I wondered if I could perhaps
perform some magic tricks
308
00:08:25,970 --> 00:08:27,289
I wondered if I could perhaps
perform some magic tricks
309
00:08:27,290 --> 00:08:29,089
for the birthday boy.
310
00:08:29,090 --> 00:08:30,649
What? Magic tricks?
311
00:08:30,650 --> 00:08:32,039
You do magic?
312
00:08:32,040 --> 00:08:33,649
Oh, yes, we've been teaching
ourselves
313
00:08:33,650 --> 00:08:35,719
lots of magic tricks lately,
haven't we, Milson?
314
00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:37,639
lots of magic tricks lately,
haven't we, Milson?
315
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:41,530
Look.
316
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:48,289
NERVY MUTTERINGS
317
00:08:48,290 --> 00:08:50,209
NERVY MUTTERINGS
318
00:08:50,210 --> 00:08:51,559
What are you doing?
319
00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:53,569
Magic with my magic hankie.
320
00:08:53,570 --> 00:08:56,689
Magic with my magic hankie.
321
00:08:56,690 --> 00:08:58,759
Does Martin enjoy magic?
322
00:08:58,760 --> 00:08:59,239
Does Martin enjoy magic?
323
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,319
Absolutely hates it.
Would rather set his head on fire.
324
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:02,119
Absolutely hates it.
Would rather set his head on fire.
325
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:06,010
Um, do come in, Jim.
326
00:09:07,970 --> 00:09:10,009
Any card? Any card, Martin.
327
00:09:10,010 --> 00:09:10,609
Any card? Any card, Martin.
328
00:09:10,610 --> 00:09:12,409
Bleeding hell. Now what?
329
00:09:12,410 --> 00:09:15,239
Look at the card.
330
00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:17,209
And now tell me what the card is.
331
00:09:17,210 --> 00:09:18,409
And now tell me what the card is.
332
00:09:18,410 --> 00:09:20,449
Really? Um, the Four Of Clubs.
333
00:09:20,450 --> 00:09:21,479
Really? Um, the Four Of Clubs.
334
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:25,370
BREATHES HEAVILY
335
00:09:26,330 --> 00:09:28,369
Martin Goodman,
is your card the King Of Diamonds?
336
00:09:28,370 --> 00:09:30,439
Martin Goodman,
is your card the King Of Diamonds?
337
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,449
Martin Goodman,
is your card the King Of Diamonds?
338
00:09:32,450 --> 00:09:32,809
Martin Goodman,
is your card the King Of Diamonds?
339
00:09:32,810 --> 00:09:34,849
What?
No. The Four Of Clubs!
340
00:09:34,850 --> 00:09:35,089
What?
No. The Four Of Clubs!
341
00:09:35,090 --> 00:09:37,159
Oh, yes. I can never do that one.
342
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:37,369
Oh, yes. I can never do that one.
343
00:09:37,370 --> 00:09:39,289
Well, thanks so much, Jim.
344
00:09:39,290 --> 00:09:41,329
Er, sorry, Martin, but I don't think
Jim's quite finished. Have you?
345
00:09:41,330 --> 00:09:43,399
Er, sorry, Martin, but I don't think
Jim's quite finished. Have you?
346
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:44,209
Er, sorry, Martin, but I don't think
Jim's quite finished. Have you?
347
00:09:44,210 --> 00:09:46,249
Oh, no, Jackie,
I've got lots more magic for Martin.
348
00:09:46,250 --> 00:09:48,529
Oh, no, Jackie,
I've got lots more magic for Martin.
349
00:09:48,530 --> 00:09:50,209
How exciting!
350
00:09:50,210 --> 00:09:52,249
Do carry on, Jim. Yes, bravo!
351
00:09:52,250 --> 00:09:53,209
Do carry on, Jim. Yes, bravo!
352
00:09:53,210 --> 00:09:55,249
Bravo! Buggers.
353
00:09:55,250 --> 00:09:57,479
Bravo! Buggers.
354
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:59,449
Well, that's your dad sorted
for the night!
355
00:09:59,450 --> 00:10:00,169
Well, that's your dad sorted
for the night!
356
00:10:00,170 --> 00:10:01,729
Maybe Jim will saw him in half.
357
00:10:01,730 --> 00:10:03,769
CHUCKLES
Or much smaller pieces.
358
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:05,569
CHUCKLES
Or much smaller pieces.
359
00:10:05,570 --> 00:10:07,609
Shall we just start dinner without
him? Yes, please! Definitely.
360
00:10:07,610 --> 00:10:08,359
Shall we just start dinner without
him? Yes, please! Definitely.
361
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:10,439
Right. Birthday beef
without the birthday boy!
362
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:12,199
Right. Birthday beef
without the birthday boy!
363
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,279
# Skill McGill! #
# Skilligan McGilligan! #
364
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,049
# Skill McGill! #
# Skilligan McGilligan! #
365
00:10:15,050 --> 00:10:17,089
DOOR CLOSES
Huh? Hello?
366
00:10:17,090 --> 00:10:20,039
DOOR CLOSES
Huh? Hello?
367
00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,009
What are you doing? Where's Jim?
He's gone.Gone?
368
00:10:22,010 --> 00:10:22,969
What are you doing? Where's Jim?
He's gone.Gone?
369
00:10:22,970 --> 00:10:25,009
Yeah, I paid him and he went.
You paid him? Ah!
370
00:10:25,010 --> 00:10:25,639
Yeah, I paid him and he went.
You paid him? Ah!
371
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:27,239
So that's how you get rid of Jim.
372
00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:29,209
What did you pay him with?
I found 20 quid in your purse.
373
00:10:29,210 --> 00:10:29,569
What did you pay him with?
I found 20 quid in your purse.
374
00:10:29,570 --> 00:10:31,609
Fantastic.
Er, thank you very much, Martin.
375
00:10:31,610 --> 00:10:32,089
Fantastic.
Er, thank you very much, Martin.
376
00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,129
Can I have my dinner now?
No, you cannot have your dinner now.
377
00:10:34,130 --> 00:10:34,609
Can I have my dinner now?
No, you cannot have your dinner now.
378
00:10:34,610 --> 00:10:36,409
Boys?
379
00:10:36,410 --> 00:10:38,449
Jackie! What am I going to bleeding
eat? It's my birthday!
380
00:10:38,450 --> 00:10:40,369
Jackie! What am I going to bleeding
eat? It's my birthday!
381
00:10:40,370 --> 00:10:42,409
Er, really? I thought it
was your death day.
382
00:10:42,410 --> 00:10:43,369
Er, really? I thought it
was your death day.
383
00:10:43,370 --> 00:10:45,409
Not this crap again.Well, maybe we
don't want our dinner
384
00:10:45,410 --> 00:10:45,769
Not this crap again.Well, maybe we
don't want our dinner
385
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:47,809
with someone who keeps telling
us when we're gonna drop dead.
What?
386
00:10:47,810 --> 00:10:48,889
with someone who keeps telling
us when we're gonna drop dead.
What?
387
00:10:48,890 --> 00:10:50,929
I didn't tell you when the boys were
going to drop dead. How kind.
388
00:10:50,930 --> 00:10:51,719
I didn't tell you when the boys were
going to drop dead. How kind.
389
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,689
Anyway, those two have nothing
to worry about.
390
00:10:53,690 --> 00:10:55,729
They go on for years.
Please shut up.
391
00:10:55,730 --> 00:10:55,969
They go on for years.
Please shut up.
392
00:10:55,970 --> 00:10:59,569
Yes, shut up, Martin. Oh, potatoes.
393
00:10:59,570 --> 00:11:01,609
You last right up to
the Mars Colonisation Programme.
394
00:11:01,610 --> 00:11:02,689
You last right up to
the Mars Colonisation Programme.
395
00:11:02,690 --> 00:11:04,729
Um, and what year is
the Mars Colonisation Programme?
396
00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:06,769
Um, and what year is
the Mars Colonisation Programme?
397
00:11:06,770 --> 00:11:07,129
Um, and what year is
the Mars Colonisation Programme?
398
00:11:07,130 --> 00:11:09,049
Er...
399
00:11:09,050 --> 00:11:11,089
2085.
400
00:11:11,090 --> 00:11:13,129
GROANS
Wait! 2085 that's all right,
isn't it?
401
00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:15,169
GROANS
Wait! 2085 that's all right,
isn't it?
402
00:11:15,170 --> 00:11:15,559
GROANS
Wait! 2085 that's all right,
isn't it?
403
00:11:15,560 --> 00:11:17,569
Er, yeah, actually,
that is ages away.
404
00:11:17,570 --> 00:11:18,289
Er, yeah, actually,
that is ages away.
405
00:11:18,290 --> 00:11:20,359
See? And you get to go to Mars,
you lucky sods.
406
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:20,929
See? And you get to go to Mars,
you lucky sods.
407
00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:22,369
What do you think about that?
408
00:11:22,370 --> 00:11:24,199
Yeah, that's pretty cool. Yeah.
409
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,279
Sorry, no. Adam, you
get to go to Mars.
410
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:27,079
Sorry, no. Adam, you
get to go to Mars.
411
00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,089
Jonny, you don't. What?
Cos you die first.
412
00:11:29,090 --> 00:11:29,809
Jonny, you don't. What?
Cos you die first.
413
00:11:29,810 --> 00:11:31,609
Ah! I die first?
414
00:11:31,610 --> 00:11:33,049
But Adam's older than me!
415
00:11:33,050 --> 00:11:35,089
Yeah, but he lives longer cos of
his, you know, running and exercise.
416
00:11:35,090 --> 00:11:35,719
Yeah, but he lives longer cos of
his, you know, running and exercise.
417
00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:37,799
Of course! My running and exercise.
418
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:38,329
Of course! My running and exercise.
419
00:11:38,330 --> 00:11:40,129
HE HEAVES
420
00:11:40,130 --> 00:11:42,169
July 22nd, 2082.
That's when you die.
421
00:11:42,170 --> 00:11:42,769
July 22nd, 2082.
That's when you die.
422
00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:45,049
Oh, my God!What?
423
00:11:45,050 --> 00:11:47,089
Dad just told me my death day.
Oh, Martin! Ow!
424
00:11:47,090 --> 00:11:48,529
Dad just told me my death day.
Oh, Martin! Ow!
425
00:11:48,530 --> 00:11:50,599
July 22nd, 2082.
Don't tell me, Jonny!
426
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:51,409
July 22nd, 2082.
Don't tell me, Jonny!
427
00:11:51,410 --> 00:11:52,519
Ow!
428
00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:54,599
Jackie, calm down. Adam's gonna go
to Mars. Isn't that fantastic?
429
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:55,849
Jackie, calm down. Adam's gonna go
to Mars. Isn't that fantastic?
430
00:11:55,850 --> 00:11:57,799
That is fantastic.
I need a drink.
431
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,809
But, Jackie, Mars!
Don't you think that's incredible?
432
00:11:59,810 --> 00:12:00,049
But, Jackie, Mars!
Don't you think that's incredible?
433
00:12:00,050 --> 00:12:02,119
Mars, Mars, Mars.
434
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,289
Mars, Mars, Mars.
435
00:12:03,290 --> 00:12:05,329
Brilliant. Well, I promise
I'll give you a lovely funeral.
436
00:12:05,330 --> 00:12:07,129
Brilliant. Well, I promise
I'll give you a lovely funeral.
437
00:12:07,130 --> 00:12:09,169
Thank you. And I'll try not
to fart on your grave.
438
00:12:09,170 --> 00:12:10,489
Thank you. And I'll try not
to fart on your grave.
439
00:12:10,490 --> 00:12:11,929
Pusface!
440
00:12:11,930 --> 00:12:13,969
Anyway, it's all crap, isn't it,
working out when you're gonna die?
441
00:12:13,970 --> 00:12:14,809
Anyway, it's all crap, isn't it,
working out when you're gonna die?
442
00:12:14,810 --> 00:12:16,849
Yeah. It's just a shame
you never took up running.
443
00:12:16,850 --> 00:12:18,529
Yeah. It's just a shame
you never took up running.
444
00:12:18,530 --> 00:12:20,569
Right, well, I'll just start running
now, then I'll live longer than you.
445
00:12:20,570 --> 00:12:22,009
Right, well, I'll just start running
now, then I'll live longer than you.
446
00:12:22,010 --> 00:12:24,049
You're gonna start running now, are
you? Yeah. Let's go for a run.
447
00:12:24,050 --> 00:12:25,129
You're gonna start running now, are
you? Yeah. Let's go for a run.
448
00:12:25,130 --> 00:12:27,169
Sorry? You want to go for a run
right now?
449
00:12:27,170 --> 00:12:27,769
Sorry? You want to go for a run
right now?
450
00:12:27,770 --> 00:12:29,809
Yes, I can run as far as you, easy!
451
00:12:29,810 --> 00:12:30,439
Yes, I can run as far as you, easy!
452
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:32,359
Where are you going?
Putting my shoes on.
453
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,439
Pissface? Your mother!
What?
454
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,089
Pissface? Your mother!
What?
455
00:12:35,090 --> 00:12:38,980
Oh.Yeah.
456
00:12:41,810 --> 00:12:43,849
Go on, then.
457
00:12:43,850 --> 00:12:45,889
March 20th, 2085.
458
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:46,489
March 20th, 2085.
459
00:12:46,490 --> 00:12:48,529
Great.
460
00:12:48,530 --> 00:12:49,489
Great.
461
00:12:49,490 --> 00:12:50,809
You're running now? Now?
462
00:12:50,810 --> 00:12:52,849
Yes!You can't run now.
We've got beef.
463
00:12:52,850 --> 00:12:53,689
Yes!You can't run now.
We've got beef.
464
00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:55,729
Can you move out of the way,
please?Jonny!
465
00:12:55,730 --> 00:12:56,569
Can you move out of the way,
please?Jonny!
466
00:12:56,570 --> 00:12:58,249
Yes, he has gone insane.
467
00:12:58,250 --> 00:13:00,289
Right. Ready, Pusface?
468
00:13:00,290 --> 00:13:02,119
Right. Ready, Pusface?
469
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:04,129
Wait. That's not...
Oh, my God.
470
00:13:04,130 --> 00:13:04,609
Wait. That's not...
Oh, my God.
471
00:13:04,610 --> 00:13:07,729
Horrible Grandma.
472
00:13:07,730 --> 00:13:09,799
Happy birthday, Martin.
473
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:10,129
Happy birthday, Martin.
474
00:13:10,130 --> 00:13:12,199
Balls!
475
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:16,090
Balls!
476
00:13:19,430 --> 00:13:21,469
Banning me from seeing my son
on his birthday...
477
00:13:21,470 --> 00:13:23,149
Banning me from seeing my son
on his birthday...
478
00:13:23,150 --> 00:13:24,829
I wasn't banning you, Cynthia.
479
00:13:24,830 --> 00:13:26,509
My only son.
480
00:13:26,510 --> 00:13:28,549
I don't think we got your card
this year, did we, Martin?
481
00:13:28,550 --> 00:13:29,459
I don't think we got your card
this year, did we, Martin?
482
00:13:29,460 --> 00:13:31,429
Jackie. That's because I didn't send
a card.
483
00:13:31,430 --> 00:13:32,509
Jackie. That's because I didn't send
a card.
484
00:13:32,510 --> 00:13:34,909
Fair enough.
485
00:13:34,910 --> 00:13:36,979
Oh, I thought you were going
to give Martin a present then.
486
00:13:36,980 --> 00:13:38,749
Oh, I thought you were going
to give Martin a present then.
487
00:13:38,750 --> 00:13:40,189
Bleeding hell, Jackie.
488
00:13:40,190 --> 00:13:41,779
Why would I give Martin a present?
489
00:13:41,780 --> 00:13:43,429
His birthday, perhaps?
490
00:13:43,430 --> 00:13:44,989
But he's not a baby.
491
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:47,059
Um, that's not quite how birthdays
work...
492
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:48,019
Um, that's not quite how birthdays
work...
493
00:13:48,020 --> 00:13:49,459
Horrible.....Grandma.
494
00:13:49,460 --> 00:13:51,469
I stopped giving Martin presents
years ago when he was seven.
495
00:13:51,470 --> 00:13:52,979
I stopped giving Martin presents
years ago when he was seven.
496
00:13:52,980 --> 00:13:54,949
Six. Yes, six.
497
00:13:54,950 --> 00:13:55,309
Six. Yes, six.
498
00:13:55,310 --> 00:13:57,349
I remember, because I just
re-wrapped the same present
499
00:13:57,350 --> 00:13:58,909
I remember, because I just
re-wrapped the same present
500
00:13:58,910 --> 00:14:00,589
I'd given him when he was five.
501
00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:01,669
SHE LAUGHS
502
00:14:01,670 --> 00:14:03,379
Lovely. A whistle.
503
00:14:03,380 --> 00:14:04,549
Lovely.
504
00:14:04,550 --> 00:14:06,589
Well, he wasn't to know, was he?
505
00:14:06,590 --> 00:14:06,829
Well, he wasn't to know, was he?
506
00:14:06,830 --> 00:14:08,869
Jackie, can we bloody eat now?
All right!
507
00:14:08,870 --> 00:14:09,139
Jackie, can we bloody eat now?
All right!
508
00:14:09,140 --> 00:14:10,579
I'm looking forward to the beef.
509
00:14:10,580 --> 00:14:12,589
Oh, are you, Cynthia?
510
00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:14,629
Well, it's about the only thing you
make that's edible.
511
00:14:14,630 --> 00:14:18,469
Well, it's about the only thing you
make that's edible.
512
00:14:18,470 --> 00:14:20,389
Get rid of her?
How am I going to get rid of her?
513
00:14:20,390 --> 00:14:21,469
Er, poison?
514
00:14:21,470 --> 00:14:23,059
Garrotting? Drowning in a bucket!
515
00:14:23,060 --> 00:14:24,829
Any of those will do. Idiots.
516
00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:26,899
I really don't care
how you get rid of her, Martin.
517
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:28,979
You can take her to Mars
in your spaceship if you like.
518
00:14:28,980 --> 00:14:29,269
You can take her to Mars
in your spaceship if you like.
519
00:14:29,270 --> 00:14:30,829
Jackie, I don't have a spaceship!
520
00:14:30,830 --> 00:14:32,869
Ju... OK.
521
00:14:32,870 --> 00:14:34,909
Let's all just sit down,
eat our beef and...
522
00:14:34,910 --> 00:14:35,869
Let's all just sit down,
eat our beef and...
523
00:14:35,870 --> 00:14:37,939
Eat our beef?! I am not eating
my lovely beef with that... woman!
524
00:14:37,940 --> 00:14:40,019
Eat our beef?! I am not eating
my lovely beef with that... woman!
525
00:14:40,020 --> 00:14:40,669
Eat our beef?! I am not eating
my lovely beef with that... woman!
526
00:14:40,670 --> 00:14:42,469
But, Jackie...And instead of
looking up
527
00:14:42,470 --> 00:14:44,029
when your wife and kids drop dead,
528
00:14:44,030 --> 00:14:46,099
why don't you look up when your pig
of a mother snuffs it?!
529
00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:46,429
why don't you look up when your pig
of a mother snuffs it?!
530
00:14:46,430 --> 00:14:47,629
Er, yes, actually!
531
00:14:47,630 --> 00:14:49,429
Who the hell do you think
I looked up first?!
532
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,469
And? She lives to
a shitting hundred.
533
00:14:51,470 --> 00:14:51,709
And? She lives to
a shitting hundred.
534
00:14:51,710 --> 00:14:53,459
Of course she does.What?!
535
00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:55,429
OK, if you're not going to get
rid of her,
536
00:14:55,430 --> 00:14:56,269
OK, if you're not going to get
rid of her,
537
00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,309
you can have your dinner with her.
538
00:14:58,310 --> 00:14:58,579
you can have your dinner with her.
539
00:14:58,580 --> 00:15:00,949
Huh?
540
00:15:00,950 --> 00:15:02,989
Jacqueline, are you going to feed me
tonight or what?
541
00:15:02,990 --> 00:15:04,189
Jacqueline, are you going to feed me
tonight or what?
542
00:15:04,190 --> 00:15:08,080
Oh, yes, Cynthia.
543
00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:20,269
And? Grim.
544
00:15:20,270 --> 00:15:21,469
Really? How grim?
545
00:15:21,470 --> 00:15:23,539
Prison grim. Ooh, that is grim.
546
00:15:23,540 --> 00:15:24,109
Prison grim. Ooh, that is grim.
547
00:15:24,110 --> 00:15:26,149
Well, he wanted a shitty birthday,
so...
548
00:15:26,150 --> 00:15:26,579
Well, he wanted a shitty birthday,
so...
549
00:15:26,580 --> 00:15:28,189
To Dad's shitty birthday!
550
00:15:28,190 --> 00:15:30,259
OTHERS: Dad's shitty birthday!
551
00:15:30,260 --> 00:15:30,469
OTHERS: Dad's shitty birthday!
552
00:15:30,470 --> 00:15:31,549
Uh...
553
00:15:31,550 --> 00:15:32,989
Er, no, you're not allowed in here!
554
00:15:32,990 --> 00:15:34,739
What? Please don't send me back in
there.
555
00:15:34,740 --> 00:15:36,349
Martin, go and sit with your mother!
556
00:15:36,350 --> 00:15:38,269
But, Jackie,
I can't take it in there any more.
557
00:15:38,270 --> 00:15:40,339
Any more? You've been in there
for, like, two minutes.
558
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:40,669
Any more? You've been in there
for, like, two minutes.
559
00:15:40,670 --> 00:15:42,349
What, that long?!
560
00:15:42,350 --> 00:15:43,909
Oh, hello, Mum.
561
00:15:43,910 --> 00:15:47,149
There's been a little accident.
562
00:15:47,150 --> 00:15:48,589
It's all over them!
563
00:15:48,590 --> 00:15:50,629
Yes, I don't know how it happened.
564
00:15:50,630 --> 00:15:51,379
Yes, I don't know how it happened.
565
00:15:51,380 --> 00:15:53,459
I must have just slipped and
somehow bumped into the bottle.
566
00:15:53,460 --> 00:15:54,589
I must have just slipped and
somehow bumped into the bottle.
567
00:15:54,590 --> 00:15:56,029
It's on the walls as well!
568
00:15:56,030 --> 00:15:58,099
Yes, it is, isn't it?
569
00:15:58,100 --> 00:15:58,789
Yes, it is, isn't it?
570
00:15:58,790 --> 00:16:00,019
And this wall?
571
00:16:00,020 --> 00:16:02,099
You did this on purpose,
didn't you, Cynthia?
572
00:16:02,100 --> 00:16:02,389
You did this on purpose,
didn't you, Cynthia?
573
00:16:02,390 --> 00:16:04,339
I beg your pardon? Oh, God.
574
00:16:04,340 --> 00:16:06,419
You know, Cynthia, you come here
and you treat this place like crap.
575
00:16:06,420 --> 00:16:08,179
You know, Cynthia, you come here
and you treat this place like crap.
576
00:16:08,180 --> 00:16:09,709
Oh, do I, Jacqueline?
577
00:16:09,710 --> 00:16:11,389
Yes, you bloody do!
578
00:16:11,390 --> 00:16:13,429
Well, maybe that's because this
place IS crap.
579
00:16:13,430 --> 00:16:15,949
Well, maybe that's because this
place IS crap.
580
00:16:15,950 --> 00:16:17,989
Er...This place is crap, is it?
581
00:16:17,990 --> 00:16:18,469
Er...This place is crap, is it?
582
00:16:18,470 --> 00:16:20,269
Yes. Crap.
583
00:16:20,270 --> 00:16:22,309
And the food.Really?
584
00:16:22,310 --> 00:16:22,579
And the food.Really?
585
00:16:22,580 --> 00:16:24,659
I thought you liked my beef -
you said it was "edible".
586
00:16:24,660 --> 00:16:26,269
I thought you liked my beef -
you said it was "edible".
587
00:16:26,270 --> 00:16:27,539
Well, I was wrong.
588
00:16:27,540 --> 00:16:28,549
It was inedible.
589
00:16:28,550 --> 00:16:30,229
Sort of see that one coming.
590
00:16:30,230 --> 00:16:31,789
And you know what else is crap?
591
00:16:31,790 --> 00:16:33,139
No, do tell me.
592
00:16:33,140 --> 00:16:36,109
Your family.
593
00:16:36,110 --> 00:16:38,149
Your family is crap.
594
00:16:38,150 --> 00:16:39,229
Your family is crap.
595
00:16:39,230 --> 00:16:41,299
You'd better bloody say something
right now.
596
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:41,509
You'd better bloody say something
right now.
597
00:16:41,510 --> 00:16:42,949
Er, Mum...
598
00:16:42,950 --> 00:16:44,389
Have you finished your meal?
599
00:16:44,390 --> 00:16:46,429
Oh, my God! My family's crap?!
600
00:16:46,430 --> 00:16:46,789
Oh, my God! My family's crap?!
601
00:16:46,790 --> 00:16:48,829
Well, I've got news for you,
Cynthia -
602
00:16:48,830 --> 00:16:49,069
Well, I've got news for you,
Cynthia -
603
00:16:49,070 --> 00:16:51,109
you're part of this crap family!
604
00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:51,539
you're part of this crap family!
605
00:16:51,540 --> 00:16:53,149
And don't I bloody know it?!
606
00:16:53,150 --> 00:16:55,219
With my crap daughter-in-law
and her crap hair!
607
00:16:55,220 --> 00:16:56,989
With my crap daughter-in-law
and her crap hair!
608
00:16:56,990 --> 00:16:58,739
WHISPERS: Crap hair?!
609
00:16:58,740 --> 00:17:00,659
And those idiotic boys,
610
00:17:00,660 --> 00:17:02,629
whose names I can barely
be bothered to remember.
611
00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:03,709
whose names I can barely
be bothered to remember.
612
00:17:03,710 --> 00:17:05,389
I'm Nicholas. And I'm Lawrence.
613
00:17:05,390 --> 00:17:07,309
And your son? Eh, Cynthia?
614
00:17:07,310 --> 00:17:09,349
What about your son? Your only son?
615
00:17:09,350 --> 00:17:09,829
What about your son? Your only son?
616
00:17:09,830 --> 00:17:11,869
Well, he used to be bearable,
617
00:17:11,870 --> 00:17:12,949
Well, he used to be bearable,
618
00:17:12,950 --> 00:17:14,989
but then he met you.
619
00:17:14,990 --> 00:17:18,880
but then he met you.
620
00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:22,789
Right!
621
00:17:22,790 --> 00:17:24,349
Martin?
622
00:17:24,350 --> 00:17:26,419
I'm not taking this shit any more!
623
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:27,109
I'm not taking this shit any more!
624
00:17:27,110 --> 00:17:29,149
You, Cynthia Goodman,
are a terrible mother!
625
00:17:29,150 --> 00:17:30,469
You, Cynthia Goodman,
are a terrible mother!
626
00:17:30,470 --> 00:17:31,789
Hooray!
627
00:17:31,790 --> 00:17:33,469
And a terrible human being!
628
00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:34,909
Hoorah!
629
00:17:34,910 --> 00:17:36,829
Oh, it's all coming out now!
630
00:17:36,830 --> 00:17:38,899
Well, don't think I don't know
your secret name for me.
631
00:17:38,900 --> 00:17:40,549
Well, don't think I don't know
your secret name for me.
632
00:17:40,550 --> 00:17:42,589
It's Horrible Grandma, isn't it?
633
00:17:42,590 --> 00:17:42,829
It's Horrible Grandma, isn't it?
634
00:17:42,830 --> 00:17:44,509
Yup! It's Horrible Grandma!
635
00:17:44,510 --> 00:17:46,579
Cos you're the most horrible grandma
in the world.
636
00:17:46,580 --> 00:17:48,229
JACKIE: Er, universe.
Multiverse.Huh?
637
00:17:48,230 --> 00:17:50,099
Well, cos scientists think there
could be
638
00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:51,589
any number of universes out there.
639
00:17:51,590 --> 00:17:52,819
Yeah, maybe later.
640
00:17:52,820 --> 00:17:54,899
Well, since you all hate me so
much...
641
00:17:54,900 --> 00:17:55,309
Well, since you all hate me so
much...
642
00:17:55,310 --> 00:17:56,389
And we do.
643
00:17:56,390 --> 00:17:58,309
You're going home and never coming
back? No.
644
00:17:58,310 --> 00:18:00,349
I'm going to stay right here
and you'll never get rid of me!
645
00:18:00,350 --> 00:18:02,269
I'm going to stay right here
and you'll never get rid of me!
646
00:18:02,270 --> 00:18:04,339
SHE GIGGLES
647
00:18:04,340 --> 00:18:04,549
SHE GIGGLES
648
00:18:04,550 --> 00:18:05,869
You're a pig!
649
00:18:05,870 --> 00:18:07,309
Well, you would know!
650
00:18:07,310 --> 00:18:10,309
DOOR SLAMS
651
00:18:10,310 --> 00:18:12,109
Oh, my God.
652
00:18:12,110 --> 00:18:14,419
What just happened?
653
00:18:14,420 --> 00:18:16,429
More gin. More gin!
654
00:18:16,430 --> 00:18:16,669
More gin. More gin!
655
00:18:16,670 --> 00:18:17,989
GLASS SMASHES
656
00:18:17,990 --> 00:18:20,509
What the...?
657
00:18:20,510 --> 00:18:22,739
Huh?
658
00:18:22,740 --> 00:18:24,709
Oh, dear!
The shelves just fell off the wall!
659
00:18:24,710 --> 00:18:26,269
Oh, dear!
The shelves just fell off the wall!
660
00:18:26,270 --> 00:18:28,339
OK, if that cow isn't out of
this bloody house
661
00:18:28,340 --> 00:18:29,029
OK, if that cow isn't out of
this bloody house
662
00:18:29,030 --> 00:18:31,069
in two seconds... I just told you
I'm not going anywhere!
663
00:18:31,070 --> 00:18:32,989
in two seconds... I just told you
I'm not going anywhere!
664
00:18:32,990 --> 00:18:34,909
Right, then, I'm getting out
of this bloody house!
665
00:18:34,910 --> 00:18:36,829
Jackie...Boys, we're going for a
run.
666
00:18:36,830 --> 00:18:38,629
What?! Mum?
667
00:18:38,630 --> 00:18:40,549
And, Martin? Yes?
668
00:18:40,550 --> 00:18:42,469
You're staying here and guarding
your lunatic of a mother.
669
00:18:42,470 --> 00:18:44,029
Oh, shitting shit!
670
00:18:44,030 --> 00:18:46,099
Careful you don't break
both your legs, Jacqueline.
671
00:18:46,100 --> 00:18:46,429
Careful you don't break
both your legs, Jacqueline.
672
00:18:46,430 --> 00:18:47,539
SHE GROWLS
673
00:18:47,540 --> 00:18:48,589
CYNTHIA GIGGLES
674
00:18:48,590 --> 00:18:50,629
Come on! Best night ever? Possible!
675
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:50,899
Come on! Best night ever? Possible!
676
00:18:50,900 --> 00:18:52,069
Hello, all!
677
00:18:52,070 --> 00:18:54,109
Oh, God. No, Jim, not now.
678
00:18:54,110 --> 00:18:54,349
Oh, God. No, Jim, not now.
679
00:18:54,350 --> 00:18:56,389
Sorry, Jackie, but I think
I left something in your house.
680
00:18:56,390 --> 00:18:57,229
Sorry, Jackie, but I think
I left something in your house.
681
00:18:57,230 --> 00:18:59,029
Well, you can get it tomorrow, OK?
Excuse me.
682
00:18:59,030 --> 00:19:01,069
I must have it now, Jackie, I must!
683
00:19:01,070 --> 00:19:01,309
I must have it now, Jackie, I must!
684
00:19:01,310 --> 00:19:02,899
It's my hankie.
685
00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:04,549
Your hankie.
686
00:19:04,550 --> 00:19:07,549
My magic hankie.
687
00:19:07,550 --> 00:19:09,619
I'm sure I left it in here
somewhere.
688
00:19:09,620 --> 00:19:09,829
I'm sure I left it in here
somewhere.
689
00:19:09,830 --> 00:19:11,539
Please hurry up. Please!
690
00:19:11,540 --> 00:19:13,619
I can't believe you made her tea.
691
00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:13,789
I can't believe you made her tea.
692
00:19:13,790 --> 00:19:14,899
HE SPLUTTERS
693
00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:16,069
It's delicious.
694
00:19:16,070 --> 00:19:18,109
Oh, here it is! Silly me.
695
00:19:18,110 --> 00:19:20,179
Oh, here it is! Silly me.
696
00:19:20,180 --> 00:19:22,259
It was in my pocket the whole time.
697
00:19:22,260 --> 00:19:22,429
It was in my pocket the whole time.
698
00:19:22,430 --> 00:19:23,539
HE SNORTS
699
00:19:23,540 --> 00:19:24,589
What is it?
700
00:19:24,590 --> 00:19:27,229
It's my magic hankie.
701
00:19:27,230 --> 00:19:28,819
Well, bye, all!
702
00:19:28,820 --> 00:19:30,419
MARTIN:Er, goodbye, Jim.
703
00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:32,149
Actually, Jim...
704
00:19:32,150 --> 00:19:34,189
..how would you like to perform
some magic
705
00:19:34,190 --> 00:19:34,429
..how would you like to perform
some magic
706
00:19:34,430 --> 00:19:38,320
for my wonderful mother-in-law?
707
00:19:47,540 --> 00:19:49,549
Well, get on with it, you silly man!
708
00:19:49,550 --> 00:19:50,989
Well, get on with it, you silly man!
709
00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:53,029
Mrs Cynthia Goodman, is your card...
710
00:19:53,030 --> 00:19:54,739
Mrs Cynthia Goodman, is your card...
711
00:19:54,740 --> 00:19:57,349
..the ten of hearts?
712
00:19:57,350 --> 00:19:59,389
I just told you, you idiot - it's
the queen of bloody spades!
713
00:19:59,390 --> 00:20:01,459
I just told you, you idiot - it's
the queen of bloody spades!
714
00:20:01,460 --> 00:20:02,029
I just told you, you idiot - it's
the queen of bloody spades!
715
00:20:02,030 --> 00:20:03,109
Oh.
716
00:20:03,110 --> 00:20:04,819
Such a difficult one, isn't it, Jim?
717
00:20:04,820 --> 00:20:06,589
Yes, it's difficult, isn't it?
718
00:20:06,590 --> 00:20:08,659
Perhaps you'd like to see me
make something disappear?
719
00:20:08,660 --> 00:20:10,549
Perhaps you'd like to see me
make something disappear?
720
00:20:10,550 --> 00:20:12,589
I'd like to see you
make SOMEONE disappear.
721
00:20:12,590 --> 00:20:13,939
I'd like to see you
make SOMEONE disappear.
722
00:20:13,940 --> 00:20:15,949
Actually, why don't you make me
disappear from this stupid craphole?
723
00:20:15,950 --> 00:20:17,989
Actually, why don't you make me
disappear from this stupid craphole?
724
00:20:17,990 --> 00:20:18,469
Actually, why don't you make me
disappear from this stupid craphole?
725
00:20:18,470 --> 00:20:20,509
Aw, how sweet.
726
00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:20,869
Aw, how sweet.
727
00:20:20,870 --> 00:20:22,099
Um, OK, then, Mrs Goodman.
728
00:20:22,100 --> 00:20:24,179
Perhaps I could borrow this towel?
729
00:20:24,180 --> 00:20:24,709
Perhaps I could borrow this towel?
730
00:20:24,710 --> 00:20:26,029
The magic towel?
731
00:20:26,030 --> 00:20:28,789
The magic towel.
732
00:20:28,790 --> 00:20:32,029
And so...
733
00:20:32,030 --> 00:20:34,099
..I say the magic word...
734
00:20:34,100 --> 00:20:34,309
..I say the magic word...
735
00:20:34,310 --> 00:20:36,349
HE STUTTERS:..abadababadababada...
736
00:20:36,350 --> 00:20:38,899
HE STUTTERS:..abadababadababada...
737
00:20:38,900 --> 00:20:42,589
..and she's gone!
738
00:20:42,590 --> 00:20:44,629
Er, isn't she just
sort of behind the towel?
739
00:20:44,630 --> 00:20:46,189
Er, isn't she just
sort of behind the towel?
740
00:20:46,190 --> 00:20:48,229
What? Oh, no, no,
she's definitely disappeared.
741
00:20:48,230 --> 00:20:49,789
What? Oh, no, no,
she's definitely disappeared.
742
00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:51,109
Right.
743
00:20:51,110 --> 00:20:53,149
And now, with the power of magic,
I will make her come back again.
744
00:20:53,150 --> 00:20:54,589
And now, with the power of magic,
I will make her come back again.
745
00:20:54,590 --> 00:20:55,909
Please don't.
746
00:20:55,910 --> 00:20:59,800
HE STUTTERS
747
00:21:04,820 --> 00:21:06,259
Cynthia?
748
00:21:06,260 --> 00:21:08,269
As I said,
with such a massive heart attack,
749
00:21:08,270 --> 00:21:10,309
she really wouldn't have
felt a thing, Mr Goodman.
750
00:21:10,310 --> 00:21:10,579
she really wouldn't have
felt a thing, Mr Goodman.
751
00:21:10,580 --> 00:21:12,659
All just very quick and painless.
752
00:21:12,660 --> 00:21:13,309
All just very quick and painless.
753
00:21:13,310 --> 00:21:14,749
A good way to go.
754
00:21:14,750 --> 00:21:16,819
Thanks, Doctor.Thank you.
755
00:21:16,820 --> 00:21:19,549
Thanks, Doctor.Thank you.
756
00:21:19,550 --> 00:21:21,469
HE EXHALES
Wow.
757
00:21:21,470 --> 00:21:22,909
Yeah.
758
00:21:22,910 --> 00:21:24,979
Again, Martin, I'm so sorry
that I killed your mother...
759
00:21:24,980 --> 00:21:27,059
Again, Martin, I'm so sorry
that I killed your mother...
760
00:21:27,060 --> 00:21:27,589
Again, Martin, I'm so sorry
that I killed your mother...
761
00:21:27,590 --> 00:21:29,509
..with my magic.
762
00:21:29,510 --> 00:21:31,069
Er, right, Jim.
763
00:21:31,070 --> 00:21:33,109
In a way, I did sort of make her
disappear.
764
00:21:33,110 --> 00:21:34,259
In a way, I did sort of make her
disappear.
765
00:21:34,260 --> 00:21:36,229
Goodbye, Jim. Come on, Milson.
766
00:21:36,230 --> 00:21:36,499
Goodbye, Jim. Come on, Milson.
767
00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:38,029
Good girl.
768
00:21:38,030 --> 00:21:40,069
Ooh, and, Martin, here's that £20
back.
769
00:21:40,070 --> 00:21:42,109
Ooh, and, Martin, here's that £20
back.
770
00:21:42,110 --> 00:21:43,429
Ooh, and, Martin, here's that £20
back.
771
00:21:43,430 --> 00:21:45,469
Buy yourself something
nice at the funeral.
772
00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:45,709
Buy yourself something
nice at the funeral.
773
00:21:45,710 --> 00:21:49,600
Er...Goodbye, Jim.
774
00:21:51,470 --> 00:21:53,509
Well, she definitely didn't last to
100.
775
00:21:53,510 --> 00:21:54,589
Well, she definitely didn't last to
100.
776
00:21:54,590 --> 00:21:55,789
Adam.
777
00:21:55,790 --> 00:21:57,829
It's all just so strange.
778
00:21:57,830 --> 00:21:58,099
It's all just so strange.
779
00:21:58,100 --> 00:22:00,109
What? Being murdered by magic?
Jonny!
780
00:22:00,110 --> 00:22:00,499
What? Being murdered by magic?
Jonny!
781
00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:02,269
And on my birthday, too.
782
00:22:02,270 --> 00:22:04,339
Yeah, your birthday.
783
00:22:04,340 --> 00:22:05,989
Yeah, your birthday.
784
00:22:05,990 --> 00:22:08,629
What a birthday.
785
00:22:08,630 --> 00:22:12,179
HE SOBS
786
00:22:12,180 --> 00:22:14,149
Oh, poor Dad.
787
00:22:14,150 --> 00:22:15,709
Yeah.
788
00:22:15,710 --> 00:22:17,629
I'm sorry, Dad.
789
00:22:17,630 --> 00:22:19,189
HE CRIES
790
00:22:19,190 --> 00:22:21,229
That's it, Martin.
791
00:22:21,230 --> 00:22:21,589
That's it, Martin.
792
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,629
Aw, let it all out.
793
00:22:23,630 --> 00:22:25,139
Aw, let it all out.
794
00:22:25,140 --> 00:22:27,109
SOBBING TURNS TO LAUGHTER
795
00:22:27,110 --> 00:22:29,149
SOBBING TURNS TO LAUGHTER
796
00:22:29,150 --> 00:22:33,040
SOBBING TURNS TO LAUGHTER
797
00:22:33,710 --> 00:22:35,509
Er...It's just nerves.
798
00:22:35,510 --> 00:22:36,949
Is it nerves?
799
00:22:36,950 --> 00:22:38,989
It's not nerves!
800
00:22:38,990 --> 00:22:39,229
It's not nerves!
801
00:22:39,230 --> 00:22:41,269
HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
802
00:22:41,270 --> 00:22:45,160
HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
803
00:22:50,270 --> 00:22:52,339
# I change shapes just to hide in
this place
804
00:22:52,340 --> 00:22:53,389
# I change shapes just to hide in
this place
805
00:22:53,390 --> 00:22:55,429
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
806
00:22:55,430 --> 00:22:57,469
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
807
00:22:57,470 --> 00:22:57,949
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
808
00:22:57,950 --> 00:23:00,019
# Nobody knows it but me when I slip
809
00:23:00,020 --> 00:23:00,709
# Nobody knows it but me when I slip
810
00:23:00,710 --> 00:23:04,600
# Yeah, I slip, I'm still an animal
85640
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