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Are you so happy too?

Yes!

I am very happy.

Since I used the old tracksuits by Jean-Claude Juncker.

That's what you have to do first:

Decisions that you as head of government from Luxembourg,

then as EU-Chef-Kommissionheini to ban again

that is a spectrum in the head ...

If you do not even have more committed to your own mind ...

... there you are free.

By the way, that's a real straitjacket. People always ask.

In Germany they are prohibited because of human rights.

This is considered a deprivation of liberty.

In America you get it without problems.

At least since Guantanamo Bay, we know

that the Americans do that with human rights and deprivation of liberty

not quite as tight.

When I in the asylum still had to wear ...

... there they are with me Memory Tourette diagnosed.

My dad had already this is a family disease.

In my memory they are all assholes and idiots.

I can not control that it's like a cold in my head.

Sometimes my thoughts hiss into the head,

and I can not control it.

When I lit you in the beginning, I thought:

"Who in this room pinching his ass

because he has to fart? "

I find the idea very fascinating.

That a human being in this room

meanwhile his whole concentration has focused on his sphincter.

He does not get along anymore, what happens up front.

For him, yes Survival technically very important questions.

"Should I or not?

And if yes, in spurts or as a whole? "

If you got it,

that we humans are so crazy like Wiener schnitzel,

then life becomes easy.

Yes, you have to do this crazy thing consciously bring in your own life.

You have to get to the point where all people around you think:

"He does not tick clean."

And you will notice you have suddenly a new form of freedom.

I'm from Holland.

People always ask: "What is it like growing up in Holland?

What is such a childhood? 4 m below sea level? "

Earlier, at 18, 19,

we are not on the weekend went to the disco.

We have the weekend smoked a bit of hash

and then watched radio for hours.

In color!

That's a typical prejudice, right?

Everyone says: "The Dutch are smoking.

So if a kifft, then the! Everything stupid, these Dutchmen! "

It was a few years ago a study,

in which nation in Europe really most marijuana is consumed.

And do you know who won?

Switzerland!

And honestly, we always guessed it!

Yes, come. Alone, how the greet!

"Hello!

Do you know where the goat peter is? "

Yes, sure, he's a drug-Erwin with Kiffer-Franz.

The Swiss reacted.

There is now a Swiss knife with a hookah.

The Swiss must be stoners, Naturally.

Naturally, the Swiss must be stoners.

Or how different can you explain Toblerone?

A chocolate,

with you the front teeth can break out.

"Great, now we've stinked for 20 years,

now we need the front teeth no longer! "

Or the Swiss knife.

Do you know any other army in this world,

who goes to war with a knife,

where a corkscrew and a screwdriver's turn?

What did they want to do

dismantle the cabinets and pour the wine?

"Great, we are at war again! Gluck, luck, happy. "

The Swiss must be stoners, Naturally.

The Swiss are funny anyway.

But.

20 years ago, the Swiss have Scientists mixed with philosophers.

That is very dangerous.

But they have a very interesting experiment.

They went to villages and talked to the people.

The philosophers were in search of morality.

They said in the villages:

"With you here in the village we have to make a repository for nuclear waste. "

More than half of the respondents said:

"Yes, that's stupid but I know it has to go somewhere.

Then that's how it is."

And in other villages they said:

"We have to go here make a repository for nuclear waste.

But once a year you get 10% of your annual salary as compensation. "

Suddenly wanted over half the people do not do that anymore.

They did not want that. They researched morality.

One has 20 months old children locked in a room

with an adult.

The adult drops something.

More than half of the children go, pick it up and give it to the adult.

Then they rewarded the kids for it.

And suddenly they did not pick them up anymore.

The more you reward, the less ...

And what do we learn from this?

Man in himself is good.

Man in himself is morally good. As long as he does not get a reward.

So we can do the discussion end up with bonus payments for managers.

We never have to talk about it again.

The Swiss knew it, of course.

I am a bit manic.

I have to have the stovetops always make five times,

Always wipe chairs, that is very important to me.

That's a ritual. Besides, the hand of it gets warm.

It's important: for political cabaret you need a chair.

The chair is almost the Ed Hardy T-shirt the political cabaret artist.

Yes, because if you ...

... sitting in such a chair ...

... get suddenly even extremely thin texts ...

... such a meta-level.

You can sit in such a chair and tell the biggest shit.

People always think ...

"Nah,

there is more behind it. "

I can show you this.

This is a butterfly.

He always sits in the glass.

He knows nothing else.

That's his world. He does not come out there either.

It is a pity, because it is hermetically sealed at the top.

He usually does not do it anymore as two, three days.

My name is Ursula von der Leyen.

Zack.

Meta-level.

But we always need idiots, which we chase through the revolving door.

We always need such an asshole, what we through the village ...

We need one.

They always race then through such a revolving door.

Since the Niebel goes out, That's where the Brüderle comes in,

then comes the Wulff from the other direction,

then the Seehofer comes closely followed by Alexander Dobrindt through the revolving door.

That's how they always run through the revolving door.

And the revolving door is called Angela Merkel.

And so we always have topics like that, who occupy us so three weeks,

and then we discuss like the madmen

and always have such a roaring in the head of discussing,

because we always to discuss these topics,

and then it's over again.

Then comes a new asshole.

But well.

As long as at the end of the month of the Dispo remains reasonably in balance ...

... and enough money at the end of the year for a new flatscreen is there

and the sports show continues at 18 o'clock,

I do not give a damn.

The current catering rate for a child under Hartz IV

for food and drink a day is EUR 3.02.

For a child.

For good food and drink.

The current catering rate for a police dog ...

... is EUR 6.80 per day.

If you can do it now ...

... to train your child to the police dog ...

... are also scarce EUR 10.

I do not feel like all these discussions ...

I'm only looking at Exclusiv now.

With Frauke Ludowig.

I look.

But. Prince William and Kate are pregnant.

At least two have used the summer to Poppen.

The rest was world champion.

That was really stupid for Prince Harry, right?

He always slides on down the throne.

He is already on a par

with Princess Lillifee and Kevin-Prince Boateng.

I like Frauke Ludowig, she has great topics.

She also found out

that women ten days a year are in a bad mood.

But.

That's what they showed with movies:

Women are ten days a year bad mood.

But why must Veronica Ferres shoot their films in these ten days?

But so topics help in forgetting.

I can not get over it. I do not understand it anymore.

Have a look,

there is actually only bad news

from bad-tempered people in badly fitting suits.

I'd wish, Claus Kleber would say:

"Good evening to today's journal,

today was nothing, not even the weather, good night. "

Does not come.

I do not remember, who is good and evil.

That was so easy in the past.

I used to know: The Ami good, the Russian evil.

Nutella good,

Nusspli evil.

It's not that easy anymore.

Barack Obama is a trusted person and Nobel Peace Prize Laureates.

But a confidant,

which has spied half the world and still operates Guantanamo Bay.

2009 to take office he said,

he becomes Guantanamo Bay close within a year.

The thing still exists.

The only thing he has closed is the office,

that with the resolution commissioned by Guantanamo Bay.

And there are still people the 24 hours a day

sitting in such a jacket on Guantanamo.

They sit 24 hours in just such a jacket.

And that's not open, that's too.

But we do not discuss that about human rights.

And in this unreflected wave the enthusiasm

you have him in 2009 too awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

After being two days earlier

30,000 men and women in the war sent to Afghanistan.

He would have rather need to get an Oscar.

Barack Obama the Nobel Peace Prize to lend is like this,

as if you were the assassin of September 11, 2001

later to award a city planning prize.

Yes, that is not so outrageous.

Mohammed Atta, one of the assassins, studied urban planning in Hamburg.

He always said that back then:

"I'll do something with houses later."

I can also Merkel no longer trust.

That's too often yourself expressed confidence.

You can not give it away like that. I can no longer trust Merkel.

And now she does not like America anymore.

Something must have happened. She does not like America anymore.

It used to be once a year flown to America

and has a speech held in front of the US Congress.

The Congress is completely disengaged each time.

There she has Standing ovations got in America.

But in the speeches she has too Cut out sentences like:

"Even as a little girl in the GDR ...

... I dreamed from a certain jeans from America. "

And that's why Angela is still wearing it today in homage to the Americans

Krusty's old jackets for the clown.

That only makes for the Americans.

And...

I want me now do not stop with appearances,

but can anyone explain to me how did this costume come about?

It has to be somewhere in Berlin

such a crazy political advisor give,

the morning at nine started with whiskey cola.

"Do you know what, Mrs. Merkel?

Such a red jacket

with big, white buttons

looks very statesmanlike. "

It's just a matter of time, until she has such big shoes on.

"I am your head of state."

I can not trust him anymore.

I always thought the ADAC would be a serious club.

But there are even the Hells Angels set up more transparent.

They have voting results and voter turnout so radically fake

there even has Kim Jong-red ears got.

I do not know, whom i can still trust.

Bayern, because I always thought:

"Okay, those are ass violins, but they do an honest job. "

But the Hoeness is a tax fraudster,

Rummenigge was with a handful unpaid Rolex caught at the airport,

and a center-back is in jail for arson.

If they continue like this,

have that soon more convicted than national player.

The thing about Hoeneß is incredible. You can not explain soberly.

He has evaded EUR 30 million in taxes

and still is celebrated as a national hero.

You can not explain that to anyone.

And now he's in jail. And that's right.

For two reasons. First, it is fair.

And second, I'm happy on the stupid glances of Bavaria,

if the jail crew of the JVA Landsberg the next Champions League wins.

I'm looking forward to.

I do not understand any of this.

I do not know anymore, whom to trust.

I'm watching Exclusiv.

Then at least the world is right.

Who else can you ... Yes, well, you can rely on the Gauck.

But, since the Gauck itself set in the head,

that German soldiers are finally back to be shot at the front,

he is very clear in the head.

He is now the president of freedom by military means.

"We bring you Democracy with the bazooka. "

He has very fast forget his own story.

But he wants to fight properly. He wants the tanks back to the front.

And that has always worked well, we know that.

Since we have the experience. But well, what do you expect?

Just because of a year on Sundays the blue preached from the sky

and later sorted Stasi files, does not mean that

that he is intellectually capable to be a good head of state.

Just because one talks a lot about Jesus,

does not mean that, that he is too.

Who should I trust?

I always used to familiar with advertising.

It always meant Cats would buy Whiskas.

For weeks I stood in the supermarket. There was not a cat!

Meanwhile, I also know why.

A cat with a minimum wage job Whiskas can not afford.

I do not know, whom i should still trust.

I do not understand it anymore.

Whenever I hear this news, I have such a roaring in my head.

It is such a permanent flood of information.

The Barack is evil, Putin is evil, the Hoeneß is in jail,

and you have permanent always such a roar.

Then we deliver suddenly Weapons to the Kurds.

Because of this ISIS, then we deliver weapons.

I wonder, who controls?

We deliver weapons and do not know where they arrive.

And then we wonder,

if the same cannons are in the hands of the PKK

and marching in the direction of Turkey.

That's not so incredible.

2009 were in Afghanistan the Americans suddenly

from the Taliban shot at with their own ammunition.

We can not control that what we deliver there.

But there are no public discussion about it.

It is said There are a few dingoes going over there

and some old Walther P1 pistols,

which one only in Germany may carry for protocol purposes,

because they shoot inaccurately.

That means later collateral damage.

I am waiting for the day

where the first jihadists driving through Dinslaken with such a dingo,

in search of unbelievers.

On incredulous faces they will definitely meet.

We can not control that.

We just do not know what we do there.

And the Bundeswehr is in a desolate state.

Even the Geissens have more intact helicopter as the Bundeswehr.

We react yes on the military level of Legoland.

We need people now,

dealing with a desolate material situation know.

We would need specialist staff now. I would swear the Ludolfs.

But.

We do not know at all what we do there.

Deliver weapons and do not know what we do.

Then Günther Jauch discusses there the opinions are exchanged,

and then the monkey is dead again.

Then comes the next asshole.

We no longer have an overview, no chance.

No chance at all. Of course not.

But good.

As long as at the end of the month of the Dispo remains reasonably in balance,

enough money at the end of the year for a new flatscreen is there

and the sports show continues at 18 o'clock,

I do not give a damn.

I feel safe here in this country.

Nothing can happen here.

There are security agencies here

warn one, before something bad happens.

However, there are 16 million e-mail addresses were stolen some time ago,

they warned us in time.

When it was too late.

Yes and then...

Then it was said

you can get his e-mail address enter in the website of an authority,

and they would watch, if everything is okay.

And then the Germans have like the digitally unlocked

their e-mail addresses in the website typed in by a completely foreign authority,

until their server collapsed.

Lighter is a state authority

never to tens of millions of e-mail addresses their paranoid population.

Nothing happens? They are not allowed to do that?

Yes, ask the NSA. They even read your SMS.

But in Germany you do not need NSA, no.

In Germany gives the dutiful citizen

his e-mail address still personally from the office.

Obviously, the own cloud seems

with some the view to cover the essentials.

Because only that can be stolen, which we also reveal.

What did we laugh at, when Merkel said:

"The Internet is new territory for us all."

What do we have ... The stupid Merkel!

At least since Edward Snowden should be clear to all:

Obviously everyone had no idea.

And of course it is new territory for everyone. We do not know where that ends.

We do not know that.

Do you remember 1987?

Do you remember what was in 1987?

There was Boris Becker another tennis player.

And Andy Warhol died.

And otherwise?

There went in Germany Millions of people on the streets.

There were demonstrations here Citizens' initiatives.

And do you still remember why?

The people should be counted.

And that was the Germans then too much interference with their privacy.

"I am not counted!

Here is not a jumping jack with a clicker and says

'Miller, one, two, three, four.'

That does not happen here! "

After a lawsuit before the Federal Constitutional Court

were the plans the then government stopped.

In the reason The highest court in the country said,

that citizens in principle even the right states,

about the disclosure and use to determine their personal data.

Can you still imagine that today?

That you yourself,

So almost personally,

about the disclosure and using your own ...

That was allowed at that time, the happy spinners!

And today, the year after Edward Snowden?

There wishes 57% of the federal population,

that there are no consequences

should be a no-spy agreement between Germany and the USA fail.

Privacy is for many now obviously a booth in the swing club.

But for what values ​​we stood and for which rights we fought ...

... that will be the future the next generation.

This will be remembered.

To this generation,

in the excitement and Take a break from fucking shit so fast.

We are social and moral flatliners.

And what are we doing now with Edward Snowden?

This is the young man

the one by Hans-Christian Ströbele occasionally supplied with Nachos.

He always drives in person. Telephoning is too dangerous.

Before the affair Snowden Barack Obama once said:

"The best source of information

about public waste, Trickery and deception

is a public employee,

that to public integrity committed and meaningful.

Such courageous and patriotic action

should be supported and not be suppressed. "

Did Obama say that?

Let's get to the facts for a moment.

Edward Snowden was an employee of a government agency.

He is brave and he is a patriot.

He revealed secrets, because, in his opinion, the US

the bottom of their own values ​​and rights have left.

Freedom, equality, Human rights, the rule of law,

Freedom of belief and conscience.

Today the US threatens every country, that works for Snowden, with stress.

This means: Courageous action is suppressed.

Edward Snowden has risked his life,

to enlighten us.

He has something for us tells about our government

what we would never have learned without him.

He made a transparency, which is necessary.

We should be informed what happens to our information.

Should an intelligence agency protect a country? Naturally!

Should he make phone calls and e-mails to intercept from people

which endanger security?

Naturally!

Personally, I hold Angela Merkel but not for a terrorist threat.

The German-American friendship is a question of power relations.

That's what it's all about at the end of the day, for power.

Thomas Oppermann is also funny from the SPD.

He has Snowden at the beginning of the affair in a nutshell.

Quote: "I do not know if we are strong enough

this conflict to endure to the last consequence. "

Had Edward Snowden back then half as scared as we are today,

the Americans would have us listened even longer and dirtier.

That's why it's very simple:

Asylum for Snowden? "Yes, we can!"

But I prefer to watch Exclusiv.

With Frauke Ludowig.

Yes, she always has such beautiful reports.

There are always these charity ladies at the Frauke.

These charity ladies with these botox mouths.

Already seen? Yes, these charity ladies.

They always meet

and then the lobsters eat for the starving children in Africa.

That's a great principle.

And they always have so lip gloss on the Botox mouths.

These botox mouths always look like inflamed assholes.

Maybe because only shit comes out.

Look forward to it on the cigarette in the break?

I could not do it.

Wait that long.

And then watch a spinner like that.

It's terrible.

Are there actually smokers here, or are you all organic?

Do you remember, why you started smoking?

Do you remember to the Marlboro commercial?

"Come to Marlboro Country.

The taste of freedom and adventure. "

What a male commercial!

Cowboys on mustang stallions in the prairie.

Leather, libido and campfire.

Pound groves and horsepower.

Tobacco and testosterone.

Against the Marlboro man Helmut Schmidt acts like a cough drop.

Sometimes the spot is still in the cinema.

But whenever I see that now, I have to think about Brokeback Mountain.

No longer works.

Leather, libido and campfire.

But because of the spot I started smoking.

Yes, I wanted to be like that like this Marlboro man.

I wanted that freedom, I wanted to inhale,

I wanted to feel it,

I wanted to take that freedom in me.

What is this freedom?

I wanted to be like that like this Marlboro man.

Well, I landed at the HB male.

Advertising already has incredible power.

There freedom is sold to you, and you end up in jail.

In the prison of your addiction.

Decades later Do you fight them with nicotine patches?

and leaves you acupuncture needles stab in the nerve tracts.

Good, that's still possible.

Four of the Marlboro men are died of smoking.

Marlboro man meets Grim Reaper.

Yes, well, who is it?

That's so,

as if Master Proper had his bald spot get poisonous cleaning agent vapors.

Seek as freedom to sell, that can only be advertising.

That's what she does.

Advertising is full of freedom.

"VISA: I take liberty."

How fast the freedom of your Visa card ends,

See you at the end of the month to get the billing.

That leaves your freedom in pretty concrete terms.

Very popular with the younger people: Free and Easy.

You have to have. Free and Easy.

The problem is, it costs EUR 25 activation fee.

Free and Easy is a mobile phone tariff from E-Plus.

Tobacco advertising is prohibited on television, Mobile advertising is still allowed.

I do not like it.

Try, Her 14-year-old daughter

to take away the phone for a week.

They would wish that would start smoking.

Free and Easy.

But how free are we humans really really?

How free are we?

Our ancestors have the American Declaration of Independence formulated.

We stormed the Bastille, we have raged against slavery

we have ... we have sexually revolted,

we differed from the religions and distanced from their rigid rules,

we have the GDR on the rubbish heap catapulted the story

and the man was voted out,

the blooming landscapes promised but only grown cabbage.

We have the FDP thrown out of the parliament

because of her lie "more net of gross".

We did all that.

And then we let ourselves be seduced from the perfidy of an advertising strategy?

Perhaps, because we lost ourselves in the middle of it.

Perhaps,

because we are using the concept of freedom can not handle anymore.

My generation has the freedom always seemed out of the ass.

Freedom was always there for us, it was all free.

We can use the term no longer fill at all.

That's why we are new religions wanted.

Commerce and consumption are our new religions,

shopping at the Apple Store the Ave-Maria,

Share and like the daily hallelujah.

Petitions are the new pillory, Comments the public stoning.

We wait like the crazy ones on the new iPhone.

"The new iPhone is coming!"

I am waiting for the day where the first iChurch opens.

And there we are all standing together and pray.

Apple ours in heaven,

sanctified your iPhone,

come your design, Your cell phone location is happening.

Like in the iCloud, so on earth.

Give us our daily Wi-Fi today,

and forgive us our fat fingers,

as we forgive the bad battery mileage.

And do not lead us into the funk hole,

but deliver us from Microsoft.

Because yours is the MacBook,

the iPad

and the iPod forever.

Update.

You know by now yourself all these situations:

They come to a cafe, and there are two people sitting there.

And they do not talk to each other, but they have a cell phone and chat.

And with two others in a cafe, who do not talk to each other.

If she's the one from the first cafe and those made up of the second,

they do not talk to each other

but chat with those, with whom they sit together.

This is the social network to merge the asocial.

And the mobile phone manufacturers and network operators rub their hands.

Because the economy has been going on for a long time Thoughts about our freedom.

The economy has been going on for a long time Thoughts about our freedom.

We are everywhere and nowhere.

We keep all paths open.

We do not accept any liabilities that would not be freedom.

The result: loneliness.

Very easily.

And you know, how to call this motto?

"Should everything be possible, nothing can really become real. "

Is a great sentence, right?

Is not from me.

Hans-Joachim Kulenkampff said years ago:

"People are not so stupid

like us through television. "

And he was right. He was far ahead of his time.

Today there are such great things as home shopping.

QVC.

Quasselköppe sell kappes.

Thanks to home shopping can you ruin yourself financially,

without getting up from the sofa.

These shipments are moderated by types,

the opposite from Baden-Württemberg.

They can not do anything except High German.

And if you are financially then completely ruined ...

... then comes the Peter Zwegat.

He does that.

He always stands at Assis's home in the living room,

Mouth open and the view free on his disastrous smoke,

and then he always says:

"Man, man, man ..."

He is always with the Assis at home: "man, man, man ..."

Peter Zwegat is the only person in the world

the stupidity of people in numbers can write on a flipchart.

Sure, of course.

You do not have to do anything anymore.

There comes an uncle from the television, that settles that already.

They decorate the shack fully with cork scrap from Ikea in colors,

which only Tine Wittler can find horny.

They are digging up the garden, they cook for you,

the couple the incestuous rural population.

Yes, they are turning more and more in regions,

where humans and animals live closer together as provided by nature.

But that is...

And these assis have to be watch the show and get it,

that this principle does not work.

They have to get it,

that women exchange has never worked.

I have to get that as Assi, that it does not work.

But every week they are exchanging families again.

And as a change from the prolls arrives at 18:30 at RTL Exclusiv.

Then the Frauke shows Ludowig again the whole Hartz IV receivers,

how beautiful and luxurious could be her life

if she stops would make a little more effort.

A bit more effort.

Like Melanie Müller.

The career of Melanie Müller in fast passage:

After training as a restaurant specialist she let her breasts

replace with two watermelons.

It was followed by four frivolous rattle movies for the back of the men's video store.

Both together ideal conditions for the RTL premium format jungle camp.

And Frauke Ludowig has been making sure for 20 years

that we know this shit every day.

For 20 years is Frauke Ludovig's work routine

from the faecal remains of this society.

That's their job.

It is their job to spread this filth.

And why? Why?

So I stay greedy.

They want to have me greedy.

"I want that too!

Everything is possible!

Once a year can become a superstar!

Only the tough get into the garden! Survival of the fittest! "

I am being incited to the point of unconsciousness

and sleep exhausted on the couch in front of the TV.

Instead, I always have to see these chefs.

I can not see her anymore.

What has been there in recent years

everything filleted, poached, garnished and embarrassed.

And what does a cook do, if he no longer has the shipment?

Is he going back to his restaurant? Nope.

He stays. Naturally.

If one can hit an egg,

then he can too with waxed mustache

on an old moped to cucumber through the Eifel

and people at the front door to chat in a coma, of course.

And if Steffen Henssler currently no game show moderated,

he teaches felons,

how to make zander filleted with a sharp knife.

"Always along the vein, then the bleeding goes faster.

Always along the vein. "

On the idea to ...

Would you have come up with the idea

the cook of your Greek around the corner as a coach for serious criminals ...

No!

You have to ...

These are those rare moments

where I am Florian Silbereisen wishes.

But.

Really.

Yes, he always stands with carnival costume in the ARD rum.

With the clothes Even Thomas Gottschalk would say:

"Friends, enough is enough."

Then he always sings songs,

the people in total frenzy shot at the cattle drive.

And then he always stands there and says: "I am so happy!

I'm so happy! "

That says ten times in the evening,

and in the end it is true.

Since the silver trip is crazy.

You can do such a program only moderate with antidepressants.

Or you become like Dieter Bohlen.

A guy in prime time on RTL decorates with people,

they think, they can sing or fart melodies,

absolutely not important.

Many lose, one wins, Dieter deserves.

They make the media execution of individuals sending minutes.

There are now so many casting shows, that I ask myself:

Where do you still get in Germany? the people,

in the morning to go to work normally?

They're all at the casting.

A normal television day At the moment it looks like this:

On the breakfast television you tell, that you beat up your wife.

At lunchtime you will go for it sentenced by Judge Alexander Hold.

In the evening, your wife sings with the super talent,

and then the whole nation gets it why you beat her up.

Many Thanks.

And, were you on vacation this year?

I really fly a lot.

I like to fly, that's good for the environment.

Yes.

The only thing that scares me is the luggage.

Does it arrive?

And if yes, does it matter where I arrive?

Last year I am 15,000 km flown by plane

my luggage 45,000.

I would like to travel to all the places where my luggage was already.

That's why they say at check-in always:

"Please give up your luggage.

Just give it up. "

There are such a few stories while flying ...

I do not know about you, but a few stories ...

We had recently such a turbulent flight.

Really, it was ... After landing, I asked a steward:

"Did we land or were we shot down? "

They all know this: The machine has landed ...

In that case he has us from 10 m height dropped onto the runway.

And then it always comes such a friendly voice.

And she always says:

"Yes hello.

Welcome to Cologne / Bonn Airport.

Please stay seated and strapped,

until the plane

his final parking position has reached."

Whereupon a second later everyone gets up.

Well.

Many think of course:

"Now I sat for two hours,

now it is nice, if you can can stand so relaxed. "

That's nice after such a long flight.

So relaxed. Good for the back and stuff.

Also great are the people

the after landing clap like crazy,

just because the pilot pursues his learned profession.

You do that in the morning on the way to work in the bus but not synonymous.

"Great stop here, great, great stop!

And look, stopped exactly at the stop!

Not 100 meters before, not 100 m behind, great!

What precision work.

And you know what? Every day at the same! Super.

Always this one stops exactly.

He must have a navigation system.

Sorry? Yes, TomTom has it too. "

"TomTom". Who came up with the idea?

"TomTom". Then they would have the thing also called "KlausKlaus".

Everyone is so relaxed.

And a second very important action still on the plane.

It is very important that you do it in the plane.

"I'm here now!"

These are also sentences who does not need the world, right?

"I'm here now!"

Yes, where else should he be?

This is only surpassed by people

the one with the phone go through the pedestrian area and say

"Yes, you, I'm just running."

The sentence only makes sense

if you succeed a rehabilitation measure completed.

"Yes, you, I'm just running."

Yes, of course, you are a primate.

Imagine, for millions of euros

satellites become thousands of kilometers shot in the sky.

Such a small satellite, Thousands of kilometers ...

Now the small satellite flies the whole day

alone so over the earth.

And there it is the small satellite so ...

"Oh!

I'm very important! "

It is a Dutch satellite.

"Oh, I'm very important.

For the important communication

from the important people. "

He'll get over thousands of miles such information.

"Yes, you, I'm just running."

It feels like a small satellite but also fooled.

There the satellite thinks:

"You asshole, the nonsense you could have drummed too. "

Is that actually already considered a sport? Nope.

What me in the place By the way, very fascinated:

How long do you have to be Dutch? Consume marijuana,

to introduce you to such a satellite?

A satellite with only one wing,

with a microphone in his hand,

and 300 Germans watching him that was worth the trip.

Back to the plane.

So they're all there in the tin can,

to wait for, that the thing is screwed on the front,

and as soon as is on, is always synonymous such a running and shoving going on.

Ever noticed? People want fast ...

As if it burns behind.

People want to be fast out of the machine.

And they always want to Be the first on the luggage belt.

"We have to run very fast, so that we are first on the luggage belt.

Run fast so we are ahead.

If we are not in front, that is very bad. "

I have the feeling, people do not know

that the luggage flew with them.

That would have to those explain someone at check-in times.

"It can not arrive in front of you.

We can not beam or shoot it.

It flew with you together. "

And then very important on the luggage belt itself:

In the first row at the very front,

four-headed families please always next to each other.

And if possible everyone still with their own luggage cart,

so that sometimes complete 6 m are blocked.

And then that starts,

which I generally only denote baggage band Buddhism.

There are 200 people.

Most of them grow up.

On a conveyor belt.

And watch suitcases,

how they drive in a circle.

Can do that for hours.

That brings nothing out synonymous.

Unless your own suitcase is with you.

Then they throw themselves

like a paramilitary commando on this luggage belt on it!

I feel like people think every suitcase comes only once.

This is a kind of gambling.

Each suitcase comes only once.

And if they do not get him then ...

... disappears through a plastic curtain ...

... in the trunk sky.

And then he's gone forever.

Then he will never come back.

Unless he gets a Toblerone.

I recently visited the airport in Cologne seen an elderly couple.

They were at the beginning, where the suitcases go ...

...bubble.

Where he is under the guidance of her randomly taking suitcases off the line,

looked at the label

and reset her again.

And they do not even have one sorted by color.

I asked her: "Do you want to open a lost property office?"

Then I still have stood for an hour on the luggage belt.

Which suitcase did not come?

Personal destiny.

You know, one day ...

One day I will be before departure at the check-in counter say:

"Have a nice day, the bag flies to Nice,

the suitcase to Rome and the backpack to Mallorca.

It does not work? It worked the last time. "

If you fly again soon,

there is the perfect opportunity really fun on the day.

That's almost tonight something to take away for you.

You have to promise me that you try it.

I promise you, so much fun You will never have to fly again.

You need a bit of courage, but ... You live in Oberhausen, you have the.

They go into the machine. There are always two stewardesses at the front.

They always say, "Have a nice day."

"Beautiful good day." They do not do anything else.

In between pushing juice. But otherwise: "Have a nice day."

That's very important too: Always book ahead when flying.

When flying, always sit in front.

When the machine crashes, The minibar comes over again.

And then you go directly in front of the first stewardess

and say to the:

"Hello.

I'm not feeling very well today. I have to take a tablet right away.

Could you give me, five minutes after reaching the altitude,

bring a glass of soda? "

Says the: "No problem.

When we reach the altitude, I bring soda for your tablet. "

That's the whole preparation. You do not have to do more.

Now sit down and strap on.

The machine starts.

Eventually comes the famous "Pling". The suits will go out.

For you the sign: altitude reached.

So the following: They unbuckle and get up.

They go to the ventilation, this little gray thing,

turn it twice to the left, once to the right,

and speak the following sentence in the ventilation ...

"Please a glass of soda!"

Then sit down again.

Now all other fellow travelers You think you're completely crazy.

But that changes suddenly,

if three minutes later the stewardess comes with a glass of soda.

And then you look,

who everything ordered his drinks over the ventilation.

So much fun Never have to fly again!

Do it.

You just have to dare things.

Something new.

Do you know Facebook?

Facebook is awful.

I am there too.

I do not do any shit.

That's what many say: Facebook is awful. But everybody joins in

Everyone thinks Facebook is really bad, but everyone joins in

And it happens to the generation, that can not explain itself

like that with National Socialism could happen.

Facebook.

Facebook has since over a billion members.

That's more than the EU has inhabitants.

With the big difference, that on Facebook all are voluntary.

Facebook is growing and growing.

Facebook is that fastest growing social network.

Right after the Alcoholics Anonymous.

On Facebook, you always meet people, you have long since forgotten.

I do not know about you

but with me there is always a reason why I forgot her.

Since you have many friends on Facebook,

and on my birthday we were only three.

And my wife and mother are not even on Facebook.

But "social networks", that is the keyword of my generation.

"Social networks", it is always said. "Social networks".

Or as it used to be called: pub. Only with one big difference:

If my dad visited his social network,

he had to put on a pair of pants before.

Today you are sitting in your undershirt with dropped pants in front of the PC

and nurse with both hands your social contacts.

But somehow it is always so fascinating.

There you have this little white box,

and then it stands with such a gray font in it:

"What are you doing now?"

And then I always sit in front of it and think ...

... "Yes, what am I doing right now?

What am I doing here? "

First of all, what am I doing, What interests my friends?

On Facebook you often read entries like: "Oh, that's hot in the office today."

Is a hell of a lot of information in it.

Yes, sure.

First, I have a job.

Second, I can also facebook,

because third my colleagues work for me.

Fourth, my mental loneliness and social isolation so strong

that fifth, I am with the internet talk about the temperature in the building.

Or an entry like: "Hm.

Homemade yogurt with fresh strawberries. "

Classic woman post.

When home-made food begins, to spread sensual stimuli,

is usually the menopause on the march.

But then there are features on Facebook, they do not exist in real life.

You can do things on Facebook, they do not exist in reality.

For example:

ignore a friend request.

You can not stand at a party

and then one says: "Hello, I'm Klaus."

And you...

"It's me, Klaus.

LOL. "

But there are also features on Facebook,

they would become one in reality wish.

I know a lot of people, where it would be necessary

to edit the profile.

Ultimately, it's like Facebook with all technical advancements.

Nobody needs them, they achieve little and destroy a lot.

But that's why we humans love her like that.

Because she's so crazy have with us.

Nobody needs us,

we achieve little

and destroy a lot.

And now we are sitting there and are all completely disoriented.

And do not know where to go anymore.

I think that's why we have all such a sat nav in the car.

Personally, I think so,

a navigation system in the car is the first step for assisted living.

That's the moment you start

your personal rights to assign to machines.

That was quite different in the past.

If we are earlier went on a summer vacation,

of course with the caravan, so much stereotype had to be

there sat my mother, my brother and me in the brooding hot car.

Front on the hood My dad had laid out a map of the world.

He has eyes narrowed draufgestarrt.

He stared at it like that for five minutes, then he got in, drove off,

two days later we were in southern France.

If my mother him stared stunned, he said:

"Honey, it's perfectly normal,

that within the EU the French also speak Swedish. "

Today you get in, tippelst on a touch screen,

and the part chases you for ten minutes zigzagging through the Sauerland.

Because we are disoriented.

You do not have to do anything yourself anymore.

My sat nav tells me where to go.

My wife tells me what I should wear.

My boss tells me what i should work.

And if I am then asked in the canteen:

"Cabbage roulade or Schnitzel?" ...

... I start to stutter.

Too many decisions at once.

And I feel like

that this disorientation into areas,

where you would have said earlier, Orientation is a basic competence.

I do not know what this is like

It's been me for the last ten years noticed in Berlin with the taxi drivers.

Ten years ago Did you get into a taxi in Berlin?

and you said: "Hello, Eisenacher Straße 25."

There's the taxi driver once shouting "shit",

the Berlin counterpart for:

"Good day. Nice to drive you with me. "

Today you get in, they start So to set up discussion groups with you.

I say: "Once Eisenacher Strasse 25." Then he says: "Yes, yes, of course.

I know."

I say, "That's good."

Says: "That's back there,

there on the main street, where the Vorbergstraße runs so diagonally,

where there is the Akazienstrasse, where it crosses,

from the Vorbergstraße, there's a Starbucks on the corner. "

I say, "My dear coachman ...

... first, there is this city Hundreds of Starbucks stores,

because also the population of the FRG apparently did not get it yet,

that they too at Starbucks for EUR 3.60 get 96% hot water.

Secondly:

When I knew, where the Vorbergstraße goes off,

it would not make sense anymore

when I'm in front and you would sit back? "

Then you will not hear anything anymore.

Only the tipple on the touch screen.

Because we are disoriented.

I can even prove it to you.

You just have to go to one place

where the people have no access to their sat nav.

Pedestrian area, Saturday noon, 14:30.

I do not know, as you have learned to walk.

With us in Holland it was relatively easy to structure.

It meant one foot in front of the other,

despite wooden chunks.

One foot in front of the other,

and the whole thing as possible in recurring order.

So far the theory.

Today the run including fully packed Primark bags so:

They are running fast,

then one step to the right, Turn up,

like cruise missiles with disturbed on-board electronics.

I also believe and I really believe that

I think, that the women were better at walking.

There we can men philosophize about reverse parking,

as long as we want.

Statistically proved:

women are the better and safer motorists.

And I think so too that the women were better at walking.

They are just ...

But when the men got it,

There a man invented the stiletto shoe.

And since then they are fluctuating again evenly next to each other.

From the back through her Jack Wolfskin Partnerlook jackets indistinguishable.

For a lifetime, are you trying to be as individual as possible.

And then you end in partner look jackets by Jack Wolfskin.

I think that's called satire.

But that's how they sway side by side.

Towards the sun.

In a better future.

But what will the future bring?

I dont know.

I really have no idea.

I just know, that we are disoriented.

And that we do not know where to go anymore.

The policy has passed,

we lead no real discussions anymore,

it only goes by in the small-small.

The only difference

between a politician and a phone is still:

You can hang up the phone, if you have chosen.

There's nothing left, which still gives us support.

What should stop us?

You can all hook the religions as well.

They all have now Emergency in the Dachstübchen.

Let's just say it the management up there is okay,

the problem is the ground staff.

Some focus

on the intercourse with minors.

In church German is that then called ministrantenweihe.

And the others just notice

when drunk drive through Hannover.

Where the Käßmann there until today has my greatest understanding of.

I do not know anybody, the Hanover sober endures.

A share of another religion is the conviction

the population on the benefits to draw attention to their faith,

by blowing themselves up or alternatively chop off people's heads.

Others again follow a nice, elderly gentleman,

which is always wrapped in red sheets and chuckles for no reason.

But the Dalai Lama is yes as a political leader of Tibet

resigned some time ago.

And I say the same thing I do Alf told the alien:

I will especially miss his laugh.

So we can say:

Religion has always something to do with people, who have lost their orientation.

What's going on with the Catholics?

Honestly.

They really have a shortage of skilled workers.

Everyone gets it now a leadership position,

the one at Nazareth not thinking of a heavy metal band.

And Cardinal Meisner,

resulting from his career adopted with the words:

"A family of you replace me with three muslim ones. "

This is this integrative idea of ​​the Meisner.

You're wondering if that's the frankincense smoked in the pipe.

Is that still dementia? or even rabies?

Or Bishop Tebartz-van Goldelster.

He has forgotten his kois.

But, he forgot the kois, in the basin.

I would have grilled the tough, honest.

I would have grilled the tough guy. Bishop Tebartz-van Goldelster.

A bishop who has a foundation closed to needy people,

in parallel to fulfill the dream of the golden diocese.

He sat down a palace,

Everyone would be there American gangster rapper jealous.

If they had not stopped

would he still have the Elbphilharmonie? brought as a parking garage for his cars.

But somehow I am grateful to him for his luxury builders orgy.

Without that many would have in Germany not at all noticed

about what fortune the Catholic Church has.

They still pray every Sunday

and button the grandma the barren pension with the bell bag from.

Conservative estimates suggest that

"conservative estimates" means "property property until 1859",

according to conservative estimates has the Catholic Church

about a real estate asset of EUR 200 billion.

In Germany.

What to do with the plasticine everything could have done!

The Catholics could have saved Greece.

Or the airport to finish in Berlin.

Or from me too the 300,000 homeless people in Germany

a roof over your head and a hot meal.

But they prefer to pray.

They prefer to pray.

Because praying obviously long term is financially profitable.

But now they have Francis, everything is going to be okay now.

At least he tries.

I only hope, that they do not poison that or anything.

He would not be the first pope to be found with a blue tongue.

I have respect for faith.

I also respect people, who believe in something.

But I have a big problem with people,

the organization and interpretation to take over faith for other people.

People who explain to others

how to believe something and understand.

This indoctrination from felt half knowledge

from badly translated books.

If I already hear that: "Jesus made wine out of water."

So what?

This is an ancient German invention.

That's what they do for ages on the Mosel.

Or: "Moses shared the sea." Well. Walter Ulbricht shared Germany.

There is hardly any left.

I'll wait until sometime the billion-dollar assets are used up.

It also costs all the money.

All the palaces, the staff, the alimony payments, that costs everything.

I am waiting for the day where the Catholic Church

from a business consultant needs to be rehabilitated.

If there is such a McKinsey rangeht.

Then it gets tough streamlined and saved.

The bishop can use the incense, the wine, the bible and the bread

also carry alone through the church.

He does not need any staff for that.

Since he gets a nice wicker basket, and let's go.

And what is saved,

you can do that again invest in the Lord's Supper.

They want us bind as a long-term customer.

Then there is no boring eating paper to the big cock sucking more,

rather a fresh French baguette.

And a nice Bordeaux.

From the vineyard of the Lord.

They do not always have to drink everything alone.

For 2,000 years ...

... touring with the same piece through the in-house theater.

And what is their quintessence?

"Everything was better before."

Instead, the a sex scandal after another.

As if it were a rock'n'roll band.

The Ratzinger has in the end in some cases condoms allowed.

Has anyone understood that? In individual cases he has ...

What had the ship? That a ministrant becomes pregnant?

Yes, sure.

Sexual abuse is not a Catholic problem.

They are people from all corners, Layers, denominations.

Of course, sexual abuse is never a question of religious conviction.

But the Catholic Church

has after the release various cases of abuse

the unique opportunity to prove what it means

about a strong moral foundation to dispose of.

But nothing came.

They have a completely vermurkstes and stunted relationship to sexuality.

Celibacy was introduced around the church

before the possession claims of children to protect from church leaders.

It never was a question of religious conviction.

It was simply about money.

And we believe

the Taliban are religious spinners and deluded fanatics.

Well, in the unquestioned name of Islam People spontaneously blow themselves up.

A nice way

the good news to get under the people.

That's also a concept that was thought out.

When a madman is in the midst of hundreds blown up by people,

there are the relatives of the victims definitely say

"This with Islam is a great thing.

Nice that the young man us that has brought it closer. "

What does it look like?

in a training camp for suicide bombers?

Is there a teacher up there, the students are sitting in front of him

and then he straps himself an explosives vest around and says

"Well, boys, watch out. I will only show you this once. "

I do not understand.

And because there are these poor lunatics,

becomes the doner killer around the corner suddenly a potential assassin.

He's been standing for 20 years in Wuppertal in his kebab shop

and cuts lamb skewers with the electric knife

and does not understand the, that blow themselves up,

still the, who suddenly make a turn around him.

What we need are real role models.

People like Michael Wendler and Lothar Matthäus.

People who are so stupidly stupid

that we will finally be back Humility to get over this fucking life.

People, who you think so ...

... "Oh, come on.

The main thing is healthy. "

God does not need us.

We need God.

Has a clever mind once said.

All of us, as we sit here, have invented the religions,

not to forget ourselves.

We need them to answer the big questions of life.

The sense of life, the meaning of dying.

And since then prevails up there thick crowds.

Every religion wants the Jordan cross over the right footbridge.

And we crawl God alternately in the butt.

"I am the better person, I say that God is the greatest,

I do a lot for him, I blow myself up for him. "

For 2,000 years Let's break our heads now.

In the hope, thereby being closer to God.

While probably sitting up there and thinking ...

... "How do you even know that I have a butt? "

And thereby it could be so incredibly easy.

It could be so incredibly easy.

In the Jewish Torah it says:

"What you do not love, do not do that to your neighbor either. "

From the Prophet Muhammad is handed down:

"None of you has the right faith,

as long as you does not love for your neighbor,

what you love for yourself. "

And in the New Testament Jesus says:

"Love your neighbor like that like yourself. "

It would probably be too easy.

Amen.

I have no answers.

I have questions but I have no answers.

Unfortunately I do not know.

I would like to understand ...

... but I do not understand it.

But one, I know that.

And I know that one hundred percent.

That would not have happened if my dad would still live.

Because he always knew what to do.

That's why I want to be here tonight say goodbye to you,

how my father said goodbye, when he was invited.

Because he could do something special.

He could man give a moment,

in which they neither look to the future still thought of the past.

A moment in which she completely in the here and now were, beings.

It was nothing philosophical it was not intellectual,

it was downright banal.

At the end of the evening he gathered always a few people around.

Then he addressed one and said:

"Call me a playing card from a poker game.

Not the ace, that's simple and easy.

Imagine a complicated picture a complicated map. "

Then, for example, the one said: "Piksechs."

Then my father took his wallet out of his pocket ...

... and in the wallet was an envelope.

And in the envelope was a playing card.

And the pit six.

That was always fascinating. People were astonished for a second.

In this amazement they were in the here and now.

You did not think of anything. This fascinated me as a child.

I wanted to know how it works, how it works.

My father always said:

"You know, boy, sometimes it's better, if you do not understand something. "

I never got that as a kid.

So i have secretly watching my father.

He was in the study, and I wanted to see that.

He picked up a deck of cards, it fanned

breathed in,

exhaled,

exhaling he took a card and put it in an envelope.

In the evening the same game. Someone called a card and that was it.

When I was 18, my dad said: "It's time, boy.

You have to take over the tradition. "

So I took that first time in life such a card game in the hand,

it fanned

breathed in,

exhaled,

took a card, ran to my mother and said

"Mama, call a playing card."

She said, "Karoneun."

I opened the envelope. It was the fifteen.

I had exactly one card next to it.

Whenever I did that, I always had a card beside it.

Did someone say, "foursquare", I had the cross three.

I always missed one. It was frustrating.

Accordingly rare I did it.

In 2007 my dad died.

A few days before we met again.

I come in, he smiles at me and says

"Well, boy? Do you have another card in your wallet? "

I say, "Mm."

He says, "Do we want to go again?" I say, "Mm."

He says, "King of Hearts."

I take out the wallet, get the envelope out,

Map...

... and it was the lady of the heart.

I was wrong again.

He looked at me for a long time and someday said to me

"You know, boy ...

... maybe that's your way.

Maybe that's your destiny.

You're always wrong.

This is your very own way.

You're always wrong. "

He died a few days later.

Since then I take every day a shit card game in the hand ...

... fan this ...

...Inhale...

... exhale, take a card and put it in my wallet.

And guess what we do now.

The lady in front, name a color, red or black.

Black.

The gentleman beside it.

Imagine, the black starts to form.

Either to a spades icon or to a cross symbol.

- Which symbol do you see? - Cross.

Cross.

The gentleman up here. The cross starts to diverge.

More and more crosses turn up in front of your eyes,

it forms a nice card.

You can now see a cross card. Which cross card do you see?

- Jack. - Kreuzbube.

Also tonight I have in my wallet ...

... a playing card.

In an envelope.

They wanted tonight

the crossbills.

And it is...

... the cross lady.

And so gives me this little moment of wonder with you hope.

For the moment,

where I am at my dad's side to be buried ...

... and one last time ...

... hear his voice.

"Well, boy?

Are you lying around again? "

End of the close season.

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