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Crystal meth, obviously,
it comes in little rock forms.
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00:00:20,368 --> 00:00:21,717
You know
what you're getting.
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00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,855
Majority of the time
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00:00:29,899 --> 00:00:34,947
it will be my younger
appearance and willingness
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00:00:34,991 --> 00:00:39,213
to do whatever they want
that will provide me
the drugs.
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00:00:39,256 --> 00:00:43,478
So what I do is I take this
and then in the baggy.
7
00:00:46,916 --> 00:00:48,048
Good.
8
00:00:49,614 --> 00:00:51,051
Oh, I've had periods
of sobriety, you know,
9
00:00:51,094 --> 00:00:53,488
within
my five years of using
I've had eight months,
10
00:00:53,531 --> 00:00:56,012
I've had six months,
I've had a little three months,
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00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,927
two months, you know,
a few weeks, month.
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00:00:57,970 --> 00:01:01,104
I don't use every single day,
sleep, and then keep using.
13
00:01:01,148 --> 00:01:03,846
I know
that if I do that that
I'll be dead in six months.
14
00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:07,806
At some point I have
to be realistic, you know.
15
00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:11,245
For me
this is suitable enough.
16
00:01:12,028 --> 00:01:14,422
In 2008, when I started
using crystal meth,
17
00:01:14,465 --> 00:01:20,384
I was in a bar called Detox
down in the East Village
18
00:01:20,428 --> 00:01:26,347
and I had the most extraordinary
head rush that I had ever had
in my entire life.
19
00:01:26,390 --> 00:01:31,178
Like, I felt like I
was gonna die on the spot,
it was so intense.
20
00:01:32,527 --> 00:01:36,661
Oh, wow, it was like--
it was like--
21
00:01:36,705 --> 00:01:40,361
it was like dying
and going to heaven.
22
00:01:40,404 --> 00:01:43,973
Freedom. Meth--
meth, it's freedom.
23
00:01:44,016 --> 00:01:48,673
Like no other drug took me
to that type of oblivion
24
00:01:48,717 --> 00:01:50,588
like where I just
didn't give a fuck.
25
00:01:50,632 --> 00:01:55,463
It's an exit door.
I wish I had an exit door
out of my life.
26
00:01:55,506 --> 00:02:01,425
It made everybody
seem weirdly equal
27
00:02:01,469 --> 00:02:05,647
and it also made me
feel like no matter who I am
or what my experience was,
28
00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:07,779
now I'm kind of like in this.
29
00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:12,219
I just knew like there was
this incredible sensation,
like I need more of this drug.
30
00:02:40,899 --> 00:02:44,076
Methamphetamine really impacts
every sociological class,
31
00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:45,817
every kind of person
across the board.
32
00:02:47,732 --> 00:02:49,169
We're seeing meth use
among gay men
in New York City
33
00:02:49,212 --> 00:02:50,822
rise three and four
hundred percent.
34
00:02:52,868 --> 00:02:54,826
Over the last
twenty years we've seen meth
only get stronger.
35
00:02:54,870 --> 00:02:58,178
It's becoming more pure.
We're getting newer
synthetics on the horizon
36
00:02:58,221 --> 00:03:00,745
and it's something that's
increasing in our society
as a whole.
37
00:03:02,312 --> 00:03:06,708
So I think this is a tidal wave that we just can't close our eyes and ignore.
38
00:03:08,797 --> 00:03:13,845
There's a sense
that if we come out publicly
about this epidemic,
39
00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:16,326
it will remind everyone
that we're deviants.
40
00:03:18,807 --> 00:03:22,245
This epidemic
needs to be addressed
more clearly.
41
00:03:34,736 --> 00:03:36,955
Dishwashing
is always with it,
42
00:03:36,999 --> 00:03:40,568
but when you have a dishwasher,
it saves your time and energy
43
00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:43,701
and washes your dishes
hygienically clean every time.
44
00:03:43,745 --> 00:03:46,748
All the unpleasantness
of the chore is done away with.
45
00:03:47,923 --> 00:03:50,882
You know, what's important
to understand is that meth
46
00:03:50,926 --> 00:03:54,016
is only the latest iteration
of amphetamines.
47
00:03:54,059 --> 00:03:58,716
My mother's generation
were actually being
prescribed amphetamines.
48
00:04:00,196 --> 00:04:02,981
Mother's Little Helper,
you know what
Mother's Little Helper is?
49
00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:07,203
It's meth.
It's Dexedrine and Benzedrine.
50
00:04:08,030 --> 00:04:10,467
Oh my God,
this house is so clean!
51
00:04:14,950 --> 00:04:18,127
In World War II,
it was used by all sides.
52
00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:22,610
Think about
the kamikaze pilots
who were using methamphetamine
53
00:04:22,653 --> 00:04:25,874
and think about
the recklessness,
the impulsivity.
54
00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:29,791
Studies
have shown that a lot
of the friendly fire accidents
55
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:32,663
are actually caused by people being up too long on stimulants.
56
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,710
But it really was
the first of these synthetics.
57
00:04:36,493 --> 00:04:40,280
There's a trend now
on almost every drug class
to have synthetics.
58
00:04:40,976 --> 00:04:43,848
So we're seeing, for example,
heroin being gradually
replaced by fentanyl,
59
00:04:43,892 --> 00:04:45,676
which is synthetic.
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00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,679
No one had any idea
the destructive
potential of the drug,
61
00:04:48,723 --> 00:04:51,378
and it's very hard
to control or regulate.
62
00:04:52,422 --> 00:04:54,816
In the late '90s,
63
00:04:54,859 --> 00:05:00,082
dealers out west
had been trying to break
into the East Coast market
64
00:05:00,125 --> 00:05:03,128
because
of the fundraising scene,
65
00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:04,913
the party scene that was
going on at the time.
66
00:05:04,956 --> 00:05:07,611
They realized it was
through the gay community.
67
00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:09,570
That was the way
to break into the East Coast.
68
00:05:09,613 --> 00:05:12,181
It was something
that they began marketing
69
00:05:12,224 --> 00:05:15,445
as a way of staying up
longer on the dance floor.
70
00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:27,805
I met a guy
named Mado Neivelli
71
00:05:28,806 --> 00:05:33,811
and he was young
and Italian and gorgeous.
72
00:05:35,552 --> 00:05:37,380
And I was no slouch,
I was the cute guy
73
00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,774
but I didn't have that high
of an opinion of myself.
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00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:43,430
But this guy wanted
to hang out with me,
and I was like, hell, yeah.
75
00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:46,302
I remember him saying
"Do you smoke?"
76
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:48,260
And I'm like,
"Well, no, I don't."
77
00:05:48,304 --> 00:05:50,828
And I thought he was talking
about cigarettes.
78
00:05:50,872 --> 00:05:54,832
And he's like, "Well, have you
ever tried 'Tina'?"
79
00:05:56,094 --> 00:05:59,837
And I really wasn't sure
what he meant by that.
80
00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:04,842
And he holds up this pipe
and he said,
"Take a puff of this."
81
00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:06,148
And he told me how to do it.
82
00:06:08,411 --> 00:06:11,806
I'm thinking, "Well,
if this is what I got
to do to play with this guy,
83
00:06:11,849 --> 00:06:16,637
then I'm gonna do it,"
and I did and I remember
the rush of it.
84
00:06:20,815 --> 00:06:22,991
I'm feeling that rush right now.
85
00:06:31,956 --> 00:06:33,654
So my name's Kristian Becker.
86
00:06:33,697 --> 00:06:36,526
I was born and raised
in New York in the Bronx.
87
00:06:36,570 --> 00:06:39,747
I live life
how I wanna live life.
88
00:06:40,922 --> 00:06:45,492
I have been a crystal meth user since I was nineteen.
89
00:06:45,535 --> 00:06:47,450
You know,
when I did it the first time,
90
00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:51,236
I was in Miami
and I was on Grindr
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00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:55,545
and I was talking
to this dude, six-foot-two,
92
00:06:55,589 --> 00:06:58,766
beautiful,
light-skinned Cuban guy.
93
00:06:58,809 --> 00:07:02,073
During the messages
he asked, "Do you parTy?"
94
00:07:02,117 --> 00:07:03,988
It's like a capital T,
and I was like,
95
00:07:04,032 --> 00:07:09,167
I didn't pay no mind to it
'cause I had never
heard the term before.
96
00:07:09,211 --> 00:07:11,692
And I was like,
"Yeah, of course, I've been
partying all night."
97
00:07:13,084 --> 00:07:16,218
He sends me his address,
so I take a cab there
98
00:07:16,261 --> 00:07:22,093
and then when I come in,
I see a mountain of stuff
on his kitchen counter.
99
00:07:22,137 --> 00:07:26,533
Turns out he's a dealer,
but it's like a mountain,
mountain of it.
100
00:07:26,576 --> 00:07:29,884
And he hands me the pipe.
101
00:07:29,927 --> 00:07:33,104
Every once in a while
you get that response of,
102
00:07:33,148 --> 00:07:35,455
"Oh, you don't look
like a crystal meth addict."
103
00:07:35,498 --> 00:07:37,805
Because crystal meth
still does have that stigma;
104
00:07:37,848 --> 00:07:43,419
one, of it being just some
trailer-trash drug that's made
in a lab in the Midwest.
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00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:48,859
But I feel like now
people are really starting
to see what it's about
106
00:07:48,903 --> 00:07:54,691
and how it's used
in metropolitan areas and,
specifically, among gay men.
107
00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:58,956
The skinniness,
the ability to have sex,
108
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:02,786
you know, the hyper focusness,
it's a perfect storm
for gay people.
109
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:13,710
So chemsex is
this whole idea of using drugs
110
00:08:13,754 --> 00:08:16,408
as a way to enhance
the sexual experience.
111
00:08:18,672 --> 00:08:22,023
So meth is a really
effective way to numb,
as I mentioned.
112
00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:23,981
I think that a lot
of that is a result
113
00:08:24,025 --> 00:08:26,549
of what in the literature
is called "minority stress",
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00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:30,988
where people who have
experienced a lot
of discrimination and stigma
115
00:08:31,032 --> 00:08:35,427
based on who they are experience a lot of mental health
and addiction issues.
116
00:08:36,254 --> 00:08:38,866
I've had a lot of clients
who have never been
comfortable with gay sex
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00:08:38,909 --> 00:08:41,608
who felt for the first time
using methamphetamine
118
00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:44,741
they can celebrate being
gay and having gay sex
119
00:08:44,785 --> 00:08:46,569
in a way that they never
experienced before.
120
00:08:47,570 --> 00:08:50,312
There are some estimates
that one out of four gay men
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00:08:50,355 --> 00:08:52,053
in major urban areas
in the States
122
00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:55,012
are semi-regularly
using methamphetamine.
123
00:08:55,056 --> 00:08:57,885
It's at epidemic levels
within the gay community.
124
00:08:58,929 --> 00:09:04,108
I knew when I
was probably seven or eight
years old that I was--
125
00:09:04,152 --> 00:09:05,980
there was something
different about me.
126
00:09:06,023 --> 00:09:10,637
I knew that I liked
127
00:09:11,638 --> 00:09:13,248
men.
128
00:09:13,291 --> 00:09:16,468
I also knew that it was not
what I was supposed to like,
129
00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:20,168
because boys were supposed
to go with girls,
men married women.
130
00:09:20,211 --> 00:09:25,347
I remember being attracted
to my best friend
who lived across the street.
131
00:09:25,390 --> 00:09:28,872
And, but always
keeping it quiet.
132
00:09:29,394 --> 00:09:32,267
Everyone else knew
I was gay before I did,
133
00:09:32,310 --> 00:09:34,704
or like before I was able
to say it out loud.
134
00:09:35,662 --> 00:09:37,489
It was funny
to make fun of gay people.
135
00:09:37,533 --> 00:09:40,623
I remember growing up
and I would say like
"That's so gay," you know.
136
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,712
That was just like a thing
people said.
137
00:09:42,756 --> 00:09:45,585
And then I came to NYU
and it's like the gayest
school in the world, so.
138
00:09:47,412 --> 00:09:51,025
Many gay men find it difficult
to create connections. Why?
139
00:09:51,068 --> 00:09:55,377
Because when you come
to New York or any city
or anywhere really
140
00:09:55,420 --> 00:09:57,814
you're told
that you have one
of two things to offer.
141
00:09:57,858 --> 00:09:59,903
You're either gonna go
on an app and have sex
142
00:09:59,947 --> 00:10:02,036
or you're gonna go
to a bar and get drunk.
143
00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:07,824
So I think we have the apps
like Grindr and Scruff
144
00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:10,174
that have made it
tremendously easy
145
00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:12,612
to facilitate the sort
of party and play culture.
146
00:10:12,655 --> 00:10:16,572
And I think that's really had
an impact on fueling
the use of chemsex.
147
00:10:24,188 --> 00:10:26,669
I was what they would call
a weekend warrior.
148
00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:30,455
Monday through Friday
I would behave,
149
00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:34,024
and then Friday night
I would log on the apps
and the websites.
150
00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:38,855
I probably had about six
or seven different
profiles or accounts.
151
00:10:38,899 --> 00:10:40,727
And just start
what they called out the hunt,
152
00:10:40,770 --> 00:10:45,253
which is look for the hottest
guy with free drugs
153
00:10:45,296 --> 00:10:47,603
and pretty much pursue that.
154
00:10:50,214 --> 00:10:51,912
So some
of the identifying factors
155
00:10:51,955 --> 00:10:53,914
on the apps
include a lot of shorthand,
156
00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:56,568
like "PnP," standing
for "party and play."
157
00:10:57,526 --> 00:10:59,310
If I am searching for drugs,
158
00:10:59,354 --> 00:11:04,359
then I'll look for parTy
with a capital T, PnP,
cloud emoji,
159
00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:07,014
a little Japanese
party popper emoji.
160
00:11:07,057 --> 00:11:09,669
These phrases
that to the initiated
161
00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:11,627
are recognizable
in terms of what they mean.
162
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:15,283
They're willing
to both hook up for sex
and to use drugs as well.
163
00:11:17,241 --> 00:11:21,681
The thing
with crystal meth and me
is I never had to buy "Tina".
164
00:11:22,420 --> 00:11:23,944
In the party community,
you know,
165
00:11:23,987 --> 00:11:27,034
there's very few young people,
you know, who party.
166
00:11:27,077 --> 00:11:30,777
Um, and gays, you know,
they're always chasing
the young ones.
167
00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:34,650
So you'd show up,
throw stuff at you
to get you as, you know,
168
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:38,654
as high as you wanted,
um, hotel rooms.
169
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:42,136
Especially in big cities,
I think meth is
a great equalizer.
170
00:11:42,179 --> 00:11:44,442
So you have a lot
of older guys with money
171
00:11:44,486 --> 00:11:47,750
and younger guys
who can provide sex.
172
00:11:47,794 --> 00:11:52,189
And a lot of it was power
because usually I didn't
have the funds to do it.
173
00:11:52,233 --> 00:11:54,148
I mean I needed
something from them,
174
00:11:54,191 --> 00:11:58,369
they needed something,
you know,
from me and we get that.
175
00:11:58,413 --> 00:11:59,719
We know how that works.
176
00:11:59,762 --> 00:12:02,852
Being wanted
and like getting high and,
177
00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:05,986
like, that-- that
doesn't seem bad.
178
00:12:06,029 --> 00:12:08,728
So I'm gonna get paid
to do that, too?
179
00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:10,991
Great. I needed
to pay my rent.
180
00:12:11,034 --> 00:12:15,473
At that point in my life,
why would I say
no to that, you know?
181
00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:20,565
So the first
time I tried crystal,
and it was like holy shit.
182
00:12:20,609 --> 00:12:23,655
All the issues were gone.
Like me having
no money was gone.
183
00:12:23,699 --> 00:12:27,616
Me not making it musically
where I thought I should
have been was gone.
184
00:12:28,573 --> 00:12:30,880
All the ex-boyfriends
in my head were gone.
185
00:12:30,924 --> 00:12:36,016
Like, all of the issues,
I just got to completely
turn off the world.
186
00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:48,680
My name is Jimmie and I'm
twenty-six years old,
turning twenty-seven.
187
00:12:53,598 --> 00:12:57,689
I think maybe for the longest
time I was known
as like the shy, quiet kid,
188
00:12:57,733 --> 00:13:01,215
and took me a while
to come into my own.
189
00:13:10,964 --> 00:13:13,053
I have these
impressions of myself
190
00:13:13,096 --> 00:13:15,795
as like this innocent guy
191
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:19,233
who got corrupted
by these greedy men
192
00:13:19,276 --> 00:13:23,280
who just wanted what
they wanted. But I really
did want it, too.
193
00:13:23,977 --> 00:13:28,024
You know I can be
three sheets
to the wind tomorrow,
194
00:13:28,068 --> 00:13:30,461
even tonight, who even knows.
195
00:13:30,505 --> 00:13:34,422
Once you're doing crystal meth, it takes all of those
extreme things about you,
196
00:13:34,465 --> 00:13:36,772
even those assets,
and it amplifies it.
197
00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:41,429
There's not a lot of,
you know, things
that I'm insecure about,
198
00:13:41,472 --> 00:13:45,868
physically
and-- and emotionally,
199
00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:48,871
but it didn't really too much
matter in that moment when--
200
00:13:48,915 --> 00:13:50,960
at least when the high
was going on.
201
00:13:51,004 --> 00:13:54,703
But, like, once you calm down,
then it all comes crashing
back down even worse.
202
00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:02,667
Methamphetamine works
on a part of the brain
203
00:14:02,711 --> 00:14:05,279
called the limbic system
or the reward circuitry.
204
00:14:06,410 --> 00:14:08,325
That was designed to help us
survive as a species.
205
00:14:08,369 --> 00:14:11,589
So we have what are
called natural rewards
like food or sex,
206
00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:15,158
all those things
that give a little
natural burst of dopamine.
207
00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:20,337
There's been careful studies
of those where food is
hundred and some units,
208
00:14:20,381 --> 00:14:24,559
sex is two hundred,
nicotine is actually more,
two twenty.
209
00:14:24,602 --> 00:14:27,344
So we see
that methamphetamine
has about thirteen hundred,
210
00:14:27,388 --> 00:14:30,913
and so that makes it
really highly addictive
to almost anybody.
211
00:14:33,829 --> 00:14:36,049
Addicts
have the experience
212
00:14:36,092 --> 00:14:40,575
of having tried
to solve the problem of living
213
00:14:40,618 --> 00:14:43,404
by applying drugs
to their pain.
214
00:14:43,447 --> 00:14:47,930
Outside the circumscribed world
of the addict,
215
00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:50,890
people are doing
the same goddamn thing.
216
00:14:50,933 --> 00:14:56,199
The non-crystal meth addict,
overeater, the person
who's in the marriage he--
217
00:14:56,243 --> 00:14:58,723
he or she absolutely
does not belong in,
218
00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:01,596
who has had kids that they are
no manner, shape, or form
219
00:15:01,639 --> 00:15:05,078
psychologically
and spiritually
prepared to raise,
220
00:15:05,121 --> 00:15:09,996
on and on
and on and on, you know.
This is a human condition.
221
00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:35,586
Damn it.
222
00:15:37,284 --> 00:15:42,071
The reason I'm drawn to fantasy art a lot of the time
223
00:15:42,115 --> 00:15:46,162
is because I like
the escapism aspect of that.
224
00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:51,385
So when I'm really
delving into a painting,
225
00:15:52,081 --> 00:15:54,692
I feel almost
like I have this power
226
00:15:54,736 --> 00:15:58,174
to create a world
of my vision, my liking.
227
00:15:59,132 --> 00:16:02,352
Sometimes I feel overwhelmed
by the real world that I'm in
228
00:16:02,396 --> 00:16:05,094
and at least this one
I can control it.
229
00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:15,278
So, video games
were my first addiction.
230
00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:18,455
Like, the thing
about the video games is
231
00:16:18,499 --> 00:16:23,678
I enjoy the escapism
so much that once
I'm invested in a world,
232
00:16:23,721 --> 00:16:28,074
it becomes
more interesting to me
than like my everyday life.
233
00:16:31,555 --> 00:16:34,036
And there
have been times when I'll
wake up in the morning
234
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:39,041
and just play
till the sun's
coming up the next day
235
00:16:39,085 --> 00:16:42,697
and like I've barely
left my chair except to eat
and go to the bathroom.
236
00:16:44,090 --> 00:16:47,789
The way I play video games
can be scary at times
237
00:16:47,832 --> 00:16:51,923
because it's that lack
of impulse control.
238
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:57,277
It's-- it feels very
much the same as when I
would use drugs like I just--
239
00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:01,846
rather than do what I
need to-- need to, I do
what I want to in that moment.
240
00:17:01,890 --> 00:17:06,068
With this, for example,
I was working
on my book cover recently
241
00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:09,550
and then this game came
out and I just, like,
242
00:17:09,593 --> 00:17:12,683
was so excited
for this game that, you know,
243
00:17:12,727 --> 00:17:18,167
all-- all desire to work
on the cover just sort
of faded away
244
00:17:18,211 --> 00:17:20,430
and I was like,
"I might as well
just finish that video game,
245
00:17:20,474 --> 00:17:23,651
so that way I can put
all of my attention
to this piece."
246
00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:35,097
So this is in HIV release.
247
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:38,840
It's a special release
designed by the AIDS Institute
in New York State
248
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:43,975
to allow for the releasing
of information around HIV,
specifically.
249
00:17:44,019 --> 00:17:48,893
And I'm going
to write limitations
to what can be shared, okay?
250
00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:52,680
So any changes that might
impact your mental health.
251
00:17:52,723 --> 00:17:54,160
- Okay.
- Okay?
252
00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:56,771
That way it's limited.
I just can't receive anything.
253
00:17:56,814 --> 00:17:58,947
So if I snapped,
they're gonna give you a call?
254
00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:01,732
Well, let's try to prevent that.
Alright? Okay.
255
00:18:01,776 --> 00:18:05,562
-What was
your primary drug of choice?
-Meth, crystal meth.
256
00:18:05,606 --> 00:18:08,565
- Alright.
Um, how old are you?
-I'm forty-one.
257
00:18:08,609 --> 00:18:12,308
Forty-one. And how long
have you been sober?
258
00:18:12,352 --> 00:18:14,180
-Two years.
-Two years.
259
00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:16,921
The 15th of April 2015.
260
00:18:18,314 --> 00:18:20,447
You know, for--
261
00:18:22,275 --> 00:18:25,147
Since I was fourteen,
fifteen years old,
262
00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:29,108
like, drugs, particularly meth,
has been like everything.
263
00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:32,241
It was, you know,
how I got places to stay.
264
00:18:32,285 --> 00:18:34,635
And then as I got older,
it's how I made my money.
265
00:18:34,678 --> 00:18:38,073
And just like my entire
life is like wrapped around,
266
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:42,947
you know, sex, fucking,
you know, high and--
267
00:18:42,991 --> 00:18:48,083
And now I'm sober
and it's great, but I'm
a little disconnected.
268
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:52,305
I don't know, you know,
and I'm not sure
where I fit in yet.
269
00:18:52,348 --> 00:18:54,045
- Okay.
-Does that make sense?
270
00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:58,920
Absolutely. The normal
world might even
not be chaotic enough,
271
00:18:58,963 --> 00:19:00,226
it might be too calm.
272
00:19:00,269 --> 00:19:01,792
-At times.
-Okay.
273
00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:05,492
The recovery sounds
like it's stable
for the most part,
274
00:19:05,535 --> 00:19:07,058
it's really about adapting.
275
00:19:07,102 --> 00:19:09,017
-Yeah.
-Okay.
276
00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:12,194
Yeah, pretty much I just paint
and try not to get myself
in any trouble.
277
00:19:32,606 --> 00:19:35,652
Everything comes out in my art. That's my free space.
278
00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:42,224
That's like--
that's the one time
I don't have to...
279
00:19:44,313 --> 00:19:47,142
Count anybody, I can just--
it just comes out.
280
00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:52,234
That's why I get
frustrated or I get mad,
like, when I think about it,
281
00:19:52,278 --> 00:19:54,236
I-- I try to analyze it
or look at it, like,
282
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,020
that's not
what I'm doing it for,
283
00:19:56,064 --> 00:19:57,892
what I'm doing it for
is the time
when my music's going
284
00:19:57,935 --> 00:19:59,198
and I'm doing
my thing and I just--
285
00:20:01,461 --> 00:20:03,463
It's one thing I can do where
I don't have to worry
about what anybody else thinks.
286
00:20:03,506 --> 00:20:06,814
I don't-- I can just--
I can just, like,
I don't even have to think,
287
00:20:06,857 --> 00:20:08,859
I don't even have
to plan, I can just like go.
288
00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:13,081
I was born
in Grand Junction, Colorado.
289
00:20:13,124 --> 00:20:17,041
My mother, she was crazy,
she drank a lot, did drugs.
290
00:20:17,912 --> 00:20:21,307
Tried to drown me
in a bathtub, like,
set the house on fire,
291
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:23,222
left me in there,
like crazy, crazy shits.
292
00:20:23,265 --> 00:20:25,398
So I said, "Fuck it." I left.
293
00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:30,185
I was 14, Valentine's Day.
That does it. Never went back.
294
00:20:34,798 --> 00:20:39,325
Obviously, I was young,
like, new me.
295
00:20:39,368 --> 00:20:43,372
Like people were--
I was, you know, learned
how to hustle sex right away.
296
00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:45,244
That's the first thing,
I learned how to hustle.
297
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:53,252
When I'm in my addiction
and I'm getting high
and I'm living that life,
298
00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:58,561
it's all about, like,
299
00:20:58,605 --> 00:21:03,436
trying to feel okay
or not feel at all,
300
00:21:03,479 --> 00:21:07,918
just trying to be okay
in this space that I'm in.
301
00:21:11,705 --> 00:21:13,837
You know,
it's very important
to know the balance
302
00:21:13,881 --> 00:21:17,363
between when someone
begins to reveal
too much of themselves.
303
00:21:17,406 --> 00:21:22,150
Many times because of that
it becomes overwhelming,
304
00:21:22,193 --> 00:21:24,195
it can be really traumatizing.
305
00:21:24,239 --> 00:21:28,591
And sometimes prevent
them from coming back
to get the services they need.
306
00:21:29,331 --> 00:21:31,333
So,
he was very forthcoming
307
00:21:31,377 --> 00:21:36,338
and very open to revealing
much of what it is
he experienced.
308
00:21:36,382 --> 00:21:39,907
And I'm sure there's
a lot of time ahead of us
309
00:21:39,950 --> 00:21:43,258
where we'll be able to get
to the root of everything
it is he needs to share.
310
00:21:45,826 --> 00:21:50,831
I'm Guy,
I am a clinical social worker
slash psychotherapist.
311
00:21:56,489 --> 00:22:00,275
It was not until I admitted I
was an addict that I really
understood addiction.
312
00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:02,625
Although
I'd studied addiction,
313
00:22:02,669 --> 00:22:06,455
I was dabbling
in a very managed way
with drugs on and off.
314
00:22:09,806 --> 00:22:11,286
I'll see you later.
315
00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:13,070
-Love you. Bye-bye.
-Love you too.
316
00:22:15,508 --> 00:22:17,858
-Alright, take care.
- Bye.
317
00:22:19,294 --> 00:22:21,296
Before being the therapist,
318
00:22:21,340 --> 00:22:25,387
I think there's just built-in
arrogance and, you know,
319
00:22:25,431 --> 00:22:28,651
I-- I did my best to be
empathic and compassionate,
320
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,700
but deep down inside
I was always curious
321
00:22:33,743 --> 00:22:36,790
to know why they
couldn't control their drugs
and I thought I could,
322
00:22:36,833 --> 00:22:38,748
and there was an element
of judgment in that, right?
323
00:22:38,792 --> 00:22:40,881
So, I think, clinically,
324
00:22:40,924 --> 00:22:44,537
I am much more able
to see myself
325
00:22:44,580 --> 00:22:48,889
as the same as a therapist
as the people I treat,
326
00:22:48,932 --> 00:22:52,196
which I think is
a really useful tool for me.
327
00:22:59,334 --> 00:23:03,599
There is
a culture now that I love
328
00:23:03,643 --> 00:23:07,516
about being queer and,
you know, social justice
329
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:11,477
and we all have a story
and a history
and we all have our types.
330
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:13,566
It's a subculture.
It's a fully formed culture
331
00:23:13,609 --> 00:23:16,090
that I had a lot of anxiety
about entering into.
332
00:23:16,133 --> 00:23:18,527
But what crystal meth
did was it took all those--
333
00:23:18,571 --> 00:23:21,704
no one-- no one asked me who
I was, no one asked me, like,
334
00:23:21,748 --> 00:23:24,620
where I went to school,
no one cared about, like,
335
00:23:24,664 --> 00:23:26,970
whether or not I was
married before, certain--
336
00:23:27,014 --> 00:23:29,408
no one certainly cared
about me being HIV positive.
337
00:23:29,451 --> 00:23:32,411
And-- and what I have discovered
is that most people were.
338
00:23:33,237 --> 00:23:36,806
Some estimates are
that as many as fifty percent
of gay men
339
00:23:36,850 --> 00:23:39,418
who are using meth will
ultimately seroconvert,
340
00:23:39,461 --> 00:23:42,421
get HIV
and often Hep C as well.
341
00:23:43,509 --> 00:23:49,297
So when I was diagnosed
with HIV in 1998,
it was still stigmatized.
342
00:23:49,993 --> 00:23:53,344
It was not something
you wanted to have.
343
00:23:53,388 --> 00:23:57,958
It certainly was not something
that you wanted to have
344
00:23:58,001 --> 00:23:59,829
if you wanted
to be sexually active.
345
00:23:59,873 --> 00:24:05,400
So, so methamphetamine
and-- and HIV have
a real interrelated history,
346
00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:07,489
especially in a place
like New York.
347
00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:12,276
From the-- the mid '80s to about '95, '96, HIV was a death sentence.
348
00:24:12,320 --> 00:24:14,540
People were dying
all the time.
349
00:24:14,583 --> 00:24:18,282
On the streets in the village
you would see people
with really severe dementia,
350
00:24:18,326 --> 00:24:20,197
thin, thin guys with canes.
351
00:24:20,241 --> 00:24:23,592
My own AA recovery
support group lost
eighty percent of its people.
352
00:24:23,636 --> 00:24:25,855
So I think it just was
a dreary time.
353
00:24:25,899 --> 00:24:28,336
All of us were
scared to death.
354
00:24:28,379 --> 00:24:30,556
No one spoke
about having HIV.
355
00:24:30,599 --> 00:24:33,820
Most of us had it
and were free
to talk about it.
356
00:24:33,863 --> 00:24:38,912
My brother had already
converted and my mother
knew about that.
357
00:24:38,955 --> 00:24:42,350
And I was very
determined for her
358
00:24:42,393 --> 00:24:46,789
not to had to carry the burden
of worrying about two
of her sons dying.
359
00:24:47,573 --> 00:24:50,532
I would call people
shortly after meeting them
360
00:24:50,576 --> 00:24:52,447
because I'd want to go out
or hang out with them
361
00:24:52,491 --> 00:24:54,536
a second time
and they'd be dead.
362
00:24:54,580 --> 00:24:56,799
Somebody would answer
their phone and say that
they had just passed away.
363
00:24:56,843 --> 00:24:59,889
And a lot of people
were going on disability
at that point in time.
364
00:24:59,933 --> 00:25:01,848
One of the things
we were doing at work
365
00:25:01,891 --> 00:25:05,199
was helping everyone go
on disability
366
00:25:05,242 --> 00:25:07,114
so they can enjoy
what was left of their lives.
367
00:25:11,684 --> 00:25:13,512
It's like I grew--
I grew up with HIV.
368
00:25:13,555 --> 00:25:16,645
I-- I grew up
on the streets with HIV.
369
00:25:16,689 --> 00:25:18,604
I planned on dying.
370
00:25:18,647 --> 00:25:22,521
I expected, I'm like, "Okay,
I have five years to live,"
20 years old.
371
00:25:24,479 --> 00:25:25,393
Full throttle.
372
00:25:27,308 --> 00:25:30,398
I can still remember thinking
to myself and repeating
over and over,
373
00:25:30,441 --> 00:25:33,532
"I'm damaged goods.
I am damaged goods.
374
00:25:33,575 --> 00:25:36,926
No one's gonna want me.
I'm untouchable."
375
00:25:36,970 --> 00:25:39,886
So I think in the social
context of the HIV epidemic,
376
00:25:39,929 --> 00:25:42,584
especially those--
those early dark days,
377
00:25:42,628 --> 00:25:45,631
I think people
were just looking
for a way to check out.
378
00:25:45,674 --> 00:25:48,068
And I think methamphetamine,
because of its very
powerful punch
379
00:25:48,111 --> 00:25:50,070
in terms
of the dopamine it releases,
380
00:25:50,113 --> 00:25:53,813
it was kind of a natural for people to use at that time.
381
00:25:53,856 --> 00:25:57,251
So people were maxing out their credit cards, people were partying their asses off.
382
00:25:57,294 --> 00:25:58,818
I think the culture
began to change.
383
00:25:58,861 --> 00:26:00,733
Clubs started to die out.
384
00:26:00,776 --> 00:26:03,300
People weren't working,
so they had way too much
time on their hands.
385
00:26:03,344 --> 00:26:07,696
And the only way
to spend your day were
to go to like some sex party.
386
00:26:07,740 --> 00:26:11,047
Around '95, '96,
when protease inhibitors
were introduced,
387
00:26:11,091 --> 00:26:13,267
we really had a change
in the mortality rate.
388
00:26:13,310 --> 00:26:14,834
So people sort
of stopped dying.
389
00:26:14,877 --> 00:26:17,532
And by that time a lot
of people were on disability
390
00:26:17,576 --> 00:26:20,491
but they saw the opportunity
to just kind of celebrate.
391
00:26:20,535 --> 00:26:24,452
And I think meth came along
and people felt like they were gonna live again.
392
00:26:25,888 --> 00:26:27,760
After a while, like,
you are not dead
393
00:26:27,803 --> 00:26:31,851
and now what you've been doing
to survive has become
a habit for you.
394
00:26:33,330 --> 00:26:34,680
You know what are
you gonna do?
395
00:26:34,723 --> 00:26:36,595
Like, run out and I don't--
396
00:26:36,638 --> 00:26:39,293
I didn't have an education,
I didn't even
finish high school.
397
00:26:39,336 --> 00:26:43,645
So I figured, you know,
I think I could do
was sell drugs.
398
00:26:50,521 --> 00:26:53,481
Alright,
let's go guys. Come on.
We're gonna go for a walk.
399
00:26:56,789 --> 00:27:00,053
Come on here.
Let's go. Come on here.
400
00:27:01,750 --> 00:27:02,621
Let's go.
401
00:27:08,975 --> 00:27:11,412
So my sober job
is walking dogs.
402
00:27:12,108 --> 00:27:15,808
I was an escort
for seven years
but I kept relapsing.
403
00:27:15,851 --> 00:27:19,594
So I teamed up
with a couple of guys
from my twelve-step program
404
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:22,553
who already did
dog walking and I
joined with them and...
405
00:27:23,293 --> 00:27:25,382
Come on, guys.
406
00:27:25,426 --> 00:27:28,864
It's like money I would feel better about earning than through prostitution.
407
00:27:28,908 --> 00:27:30,997
You know, they can be
a handful sometimes.
408
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:32,912
This is Ollie,
this is Aya.
409
00:27:32,955 --> 00:27:38,091
They're like
my craziest dogs but they're
behaving at the moment, so.
410
00:27:38,134 --> 00:27:41,790
Aya, no. No.
411
00:27:42,617 --> 00:27:44,314
Sit. Sit.
412
00:27:44,358 --> 00:27:49,668
I pick them up, I walk them
for about a half an hour,
413
00:27:53,410 --> 00:27:55,151
make sure they do
their business,
414
00:27:58,067 --> 00:28:00,766
play with them a bit,
take them back,
415
00:28:00,809 --> 00:28:04,073
and it's on to the next one.
It's a pretty busy day.
416
00:28:05,466 --> 00:28:08,338
Structure is really important
for an addict.
417
00:28:08,382 --> 00:28:13,387
It makes me more, you know,
accountable, more responsible.
418
00:28:13,430 --> 00:28:17,826
I don't have as many windows
of opportunity to go
and try and get high.
419
00:28:20,829 --> 00:28:23,919
If I don't show up
for work, my friends are
totally screwed over.
420
00:28:31,013 --> 00:28:32,145
Let's go, lady.
421
00:28:32,188 --> 00:28:33,886
- Sorry.
- It's alright.
422
00:28:48,683 --> 00:28:51,599
With adulthood
came some challenges.
423
00:28:51,642 --> 00:28:56,865
So now I'm doing
a lot of things
to keep myself busy.
424
00:29:06,919 --> 00:29:11,010
Guardian Angels
is a volunteer
safety patrol organization
425
00:29:11,053 --> 00:29:16,406
started in 1979 during
the height of crime
in New York City.
426
00:29:16,450 --> 00:29:18,800
The most notable thing
is we do the subway patrols.
427
00:29:18,844 --> 00:29:22,195
And there's different chapters
for different boroughs
428
00:29:22,238 --> 00:29:26,808
in different districts
within the borough to do
a patrol on the train.
429
00:29:31,117 --> 00:29:33,336
We'd like
to make our presence known.
430
00:29:34,555 --> 00:29:35,817
And we don't carry weapons.
431
00:29:35,861 --> 00:29:40,561
All we have is
the self-defense training
432
00:29:40,604 --> 00:29:46,567
and we do our best to subdue
whatever threat is apparent.
433
00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:51,093
In a big city like this, you
need all the help you can get
434
00:29:51,137 --> 00:29:56,011
and just someone's
presence is enough
to kind of deter things.
435
00:30:02,191 --> 00:30:04,498
- So when did you join?
- Last month.
436
00:30:04,541 --> 00:30:06,630
Last month?
What do you think?
437
00:30:07,588 --> 00:30:09,329
You can hand them to people
438
00:30:09,372 --> 00:30:14,334
to try and put them in the slots
in the ads thing. Thanks.
439
00:30:14,377 --> 00:30:17,293
Even if I don't feel
like going today,
let me get up,
440
00:30:17,337 --> 00:30:21,036
take the train, let me get
these flyers together,
441
00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:23,691
hand them out and, like,
really start doing it.
442
00:30:23,734 --> 00:30:27,260
At the end of the patrol,
you know,
it's always a good feeling.
443
00:30:38,706 --> 00:30:40,273
Do you want me to do
this moment really fast?
444
00:30:40,316 --> 00:30:42,057
- Yes, please.
-That's high--
445
00:30:42,101 --> 00:30:43,276
That's high.
446
00:30:51,675 --> 00:30:56,245
If you're in New York City
and you're, you know,
living off of your creativity,
447
00:30:56,289 --> 00:30:57,725
you're already winning.
448
00:30:58,769 --> 00:31:00,423
It's already like,
okay, you're not--
449
00:31:00,467 --> 00:31:03,296
you're not dead and you're able to make art and you're okay.
450
00:31:05,689 --> 00:31:09,911
Like, in terms of a professional
music career and where I'm at,
451
00:31:09,955 --> 00:31:13,219
I'm doing, you know,
logistically, pretty well.
452
00:31:13,262 --> 00:31:16,657
I'm not-- you know,
I'm not Madonna
but I'm making money,
453
00:31:16,700 --> 00:31:18,702
I'm supporting myself
only by doing music.
454
00:31:37,025 --> 00:31:41,421
I think drinking
so long and the culmination
455
00:31:41,464 --> 00:31:44,337
are just like always
being kind of in a fog.
456
00:31:44,380 --> 00:31:47,340
I wasn't performing as well
as I do now that I'm sober.
457
00:31:47,383 --> 00:31:49,603
That's for sure. But I felt
like I was, you know.
458
00:31:49,646 --> 00:31:51,997
I think even the things
that I was writing about
459
00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:56,131
weren't coming
from the mind of a clear head.
460
00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:05,140
They were coming
from the mind of someone
who was really sick.
461
00:32:05,184 --> 00:32:10,406
So, those songs
and that work, obviously,
wasn't going to have much life.
462
00:32:10,450 --> 00:32:13,279
You know. It didn't have
much to offer other people.
463
00:32:37,042 --> 00:32:39,087
A full-time job,
that-- that's not me.
464
00:32:39,131 --> 00:32:42,482
Because, you know, working
a full day and then counting up,
465
00:32:42,525 --> 00:32:46,573
eight seventy-five or,
you know, nine dollars or
the nine seventy-five,
466
00:32:46,616 --> 00:32:48,923
and then taking away the taxes
and be like, "Oh shit,
467
00:32:48,967 --> 00:32:52,187
this evening I made
sixty bucks and exhausted."
468
00:32:52,231 --> 00:32:56,061
But why am I gonna,
you know, keep doing this
469
00:32:56,104 --> 00:32:59,803
when I can go
to some hotel room,
people would pay for it?
470
00:32:59,847 --> 00:33:02,632
Just spend time with me,
you know.
471
00:33:04,547 --> 00:33:07,855
Celebrities,
billionaires, businessmen,
472
00:33:07,898 --> 00:33:12,425
these people
are so, so sad. So sad.
473
00:33:12,468 --> 00:33:15,776
They have to hire me and like,
I'm their therapist.
474
00:33:17,212 --> 00:33:20,259
I had five years sober
at one point, five years.
475
00:33:20,302 --> 00:33:22,522
They were good years and I had--
476
00:33:22,565 --> 00:33:24,654
I mean I had a lot--
a lot of-- everything--
477
00:33:24,698 --> 00:33:29,050
I remember driving up the
street in my car
at my little 5.0 thinking,
478
00:33:29,094 --> 00:33:32,880
you know, "Fuck,
I have everything
that I've ever wanted,
479
00:33:32,923 --> 00:33:34,447
everything
I've ever dreamt of."
480
00:33:34,490 --> 00:33:38,059
Like, I was in school
getting like A's and shit,
you know.
481
00:33:38,103 --> 00:33:40,714
I never imagined
that I would be there.
482
00:33:40,757 --> 00:33:43,934
And I really believed
that I would not use again.
483
00:33:43,978 --> 00:33:48,374
And what happened,
I got an argument
with my lover at the time
484
00:33:48,417 --> 00:33:52,421
and just for a flash
it was okay to get high.
485
00:33:52,465 --> 00:33:55,424
I was, you know,
and-- and that was it.
486
00:33:55,468 --> 00:33:58,514
Once the needle was in,
that was-- that's game over.
487
00:33:58,558 --> 00:34:01,822
And I know now if that--
if I get high now, game over.
488
00:34:01,865 --> 00:34:03,824
I'm-- I'm not coming back.
I'll go till I'm dead.
489
00:34:18,143 --> 00:34:19,883
I am definitely
scared of needles.
490
00:34:19,927 --> 00:34:24,627
Every time
when I see the nurses
or doctors or whoever,
491
00:34:24,671 --> 00:34:27,935
I would like half
the time faint, you know,
and get my blood drawn.
492
00:34:30,764 --> 00:34:32,940
So enough of these syringes.
493
00:34:35,377 --> 00:34:39,816
Okay. That's the units, CCs.
494
00:34:42,471 --> 00:34:46,084
Heroin in the Hollywood
make things look much faster.
495
00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:50,436
Some people will use
dirty hands and not even,
you know, wipe--
496
00:34:50,479 --> 00:34:53,656
you know, use the--
wipe their arm before
497
00:34:53,700 --> 00:34:56,442
and there'll be stuff
floating around and they
will have fucking lumps,
498
00:34:56,485 --> 00:35:00,272
you know, all fucking
like golf ball-sized
lumps in their arms
499
00:35:00,315 --> 00:35:04,058
and their veins will be gone.
And I'm not perfect.
500
00:35:05,755 --> 00:35:11,065
But after the first few months
of other people slamming me
and me looking away
501
00:35:11,109 --> 00:35:14,851
and having, you know,
there'd be a few times,
you know, they fucked up,
502
00:35:15,591 --> 00:35:19,595
I learned what I needed
to learn and started
serving myself.
503
00:35:20,205 --> 00:35:22,859
Some people are able
to do just like that,
504
00:35:22,903 --> 00:35:25,645
just a damn boop,
boop, boop, and off they go.
505
00:35:27,516 --> 00:35:32,260
After eleven years of crazy,
crazy, crazy sex
506
00:35:32,304 --> 00:35:35,959
and unprotected sex
and the needle sharing
507
00:35:36,003 --> 00:35:39,615
and the purposeful,
you know, sleeping
with positive guys,
508
00:35:42,444 --> 00:35:48,233
I'm so surprised--
I'm so surprised
that I am not HIV positive.
509
00:35:55,805 --> 00:35:59,679
Basically gives you
this animalistic primal
510
00:35:59,722 --> 00:36:02,421
sexual carnal energy.
511
00:36:02,986 --> 00:36:06,468
And that's
the main energy, you know.
That's fantastic.
512
00:36:17,784 --> 00:36:21,744
I just slammed and I feel
so fucking good.
513
00:36:21,788 --> 00:36:25,966
It's gonna go
on for a good while,
a few hours.
514
00:36:26,009 --> 00:36:29,796
So I'm gonna be
fucking used by fucking men.
515
00:36:29,839 --> 00:36:32,233
So this guy,
516
00:36:32,277 --> 00:36:37,717
he said he's gonna
wear me down like a property
and-- but I know my place.
517
00:36:37,760 --> 00:36:41,068
Then he asked, you know,
what's the craziest thing
I've done,
518
00:36:41,111 --> 00:36:43,549
and I sent him my Social
Security Number,
Social Security card.
519
00:36:44,506 --> 00:36:48,075
I enjoy my partying,
you know. I don't want
to stop my partying.
520
00:36:55,561 --> 00:36:57,824
When the DEA came to the door,
521
00:36:59,129 --> 00:37:02,481
they pounded on the door
and said "Police."
522
00:37:03,525 --> 00:37:06,180
My partner actually is
one who answered the door.
523
00:37:07,225 --> 00:37:09,270
They started trying
to knock it down.
524
00:37:09,314 --> 00:37:14,623
And my partner said to them,
"Well, would you like
me to just open the door?"
525
00:37:14,667 --> 00:37:17,409
And they're like, "No,
we're the fucking police."
526
00:37:17,452 --> 00:37:19,062
I wish the hell I'd been here.
527
00:37:19,106 --> 00:37:24,416
I would just love to have
just gone, click, whoop.
528
00:37:25,504 --> 00:37:28,028
They-- they busted the deadbolt,
529
00:37:28,071 --> 00:37:31,814
they knocked it off
to the wall here,
bent the metal here.
530
00:37:31,858 --> 00:37:36,254
I covered it with wrapping paper
for Christmas
531
00:37:36,297 --> 00:37:38,734
and just left it on there
because it looks so badly.
532
00:37:38,778 --> 00:37:43,086
But we're used to it by now,
but it's still a reminder
every time you look at it.
533
00:37:43,130 --> 00:37:46,176
And it's-- it's not something
I need to be reminded of.
534
00:37:46,220 --> 00:37:47,656
It'll always be there.
535
00:37:49,136 --> 00:37:50,529
Eventually, the money ran out
536
00:37:51,660 --> 00:37:55,316
and it just seemed
like a great idea
537
00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:59,625
to go to my dealer and say,
"Hey, would you loan us
a little extra
538
00:37:59,668 --> 00:38:04,020
that I could sell
so that I could not only
pay for what I want
539
00:38:04,064 --> 00:38:07,241
but also
keep the gravy train rolling?
540
00:38:07,285 --> 00:38:10,418
You know, move-- move
a little product for you
541
00:38:10,462 --> 00:38:13,334
and, you know,
pay for my habit."
542
00:38:13,378 --> 00:38:16,032
He was hesitant
but then he said yes.
543
00:38:16,076 --> 00:38:18,339
And we were off
to the races.
544
00:38:18,383 --> 00:38:23,475
And having the drug
in the apartment all the time
545
00:38:23,518 --> 00:38:28,741
was perfect
for getting high all the time.
546
00:38:28,784 --> 00:38:32,875
I can't remember
many times when I wasn't high.
547
00:38:33,615 --> 00:38:37,402
To sell three or four
ounces a day is normal.
548
00:38:37,445 --> 00:38:39,534
I mean I would be sending
out to California
549
00:38:39,578 --> 00:38:42,102
at least twice a month, thirty
to forty thousand dollars.
550
00:38:42,145 --> 00:38:45,148
I would run all night
long on rollerblades
551
00:38:45,192 --> 00:38:47,673
getting five-hundred-dollar
money orders all over town
552
00:38:47,716 --> 00:38:50,328
and I would go to FedEx
and I would put them in a--
553
00:38:50,371 --> 00:38:53,156
in a FedEx envelope
and I'd send them out
to California.
554
00:38:53,200 --> 00:38:55,463
By the time I got home,
there was a message
on my machine
555
00:38:55,507 --> 00:38:59,511
from someone
and he identified himself
as a worker from FedEx.
556
00:39:00,163 --> 00:39:02,383
And he said,
"Dude, I don't know
what's going on
557
00:39:02,427 --> 00:39:05,908
but the DEA was just here
and they opened up
your envelope.
558
00:39:05,952 --> 00:39:08,824
They took pictures
and they closed it and they put it back in thing."
559
00:39:08,868 --> 00:39:10,913
He said, "I don't know
what's going on."
560
00:39:10,957 --> 00:39:14,177
And I-- and, of course,
you know, that's scary.
561
00:39:14,221 --> 00:39:18,181
So I immediately got a hold
of my person in California
and I told him the situation,
562
00:39:18,225 --> 00:39:20,445
he said stop everything, get
everything out of your house,
563
00:39:20,488 --> 00:39:21,620
blah, blah, blah.
564
00:39:21,663 --> 00:39:22,969
Like, okay,
and then which I did.
565
00:39:23,839 --> 00:39:25,754
So I was living
my life normally, you know,
566
00:39:25,798 --> 00:39:28,148
as normal as I could be,
you know,
not selling any drugs,
567
00:39:28,191 --> 00:39:29,889
not talking
about it on the phone,
568
00:39:29,932 --> 00:39:33,936
and my supply, which was
quite extensive
for me personally,
569
00:39:33,980 --> 00:39:36,156
was starting to dwindle.
570
00:39:36,199 --> 00:39:41,074
And, for me, my--
my brain kind of first
stops thinking after a while,
571
00:39:41,117 --> 00:39:42,641
you know, we call it
selective thinking.
572
00:39:42,684 --> 00:39:44,730
I forgot all about
that I was being watched.
573
00:39:45,731 --> 00:39:48,386
And my friend called me,
said, "Listen,
I'm gonna call California,
574
00:39:48,429 --> 00:39:50,170
and get something
sent out,"
575
00:39:50,213 --> 00:39:51,824
and I-- and I said,
"Oh, me, too.
Give me two of them,"
576
00:39:51,867 --> 00:39:54,435
because I was getting low.
I forgot all about it.
577
00:39:54,479 --> 00:39:57,482
And then when it showed up
at his house, he called me
and said "Come get it."
578
00:39:57,525 --> 00:40:00,398
And I forgot all about it,
and when I walked out,
they got me.
579
00:40:02,051 --> 00:40:05,446
One of the things
that you learn about
580
00:40:05,490 --> 00:40:09,363
in the underworld of drugs
when you're a dealer
581
00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:13,411
is that there are
addicts everywhere,
582
00:40:13,454 --> 00:40:15,587
there are addicts
from every walk of life,
583
00:40:15,630 --> 00:40:20,069
there are addicts in the streets
who can't afford anything,
584
00:40:20,113 --> 00:40:25,901
who will offer you a blowjob
for a quarter of a gram.
585
00:40:26,859 --> 00:40:32,821
And I had clients who order
by large volumes
586
00:40:32,865 --> 00:40:37,347
who were
major business executives
587
00:40:37,391 --> 00:40:40,525
in the entertainment business,
588
00:40:41,047 --> 00:40:44,485
um, movers and shakers,
589
00:40:44,529 --> 00:40:48,446
and it's all walks of life
from the gutter
to the penthouse.
590
00:41:25,047 --> 00:41:27,963
So at-- at a certain point
that story gets old.
591
00:41:28,007 --> 00:41:29,922
It's not interesting anymore.
592
00:41:29,965 --> 00:41:33,316
You start to grow up like, "This
isn't going to actually
get me anywhere."
593
00:41:34,100 --> 00:41:36,145
I remember, like,
going to like a deli
594
00:41:36,189 --> 00:41:38,757
and trying to order a sandwich
and I couldn't even
order the sandwich,
595
00:41:38,800 --> 00:41:40,193
I was so fucked up.
596
00:41:40,236 --> 00:41:42,630
I had also told
my little brother, like,
597
00:41:42,674 --> 00:41:45,459
"Yeah, I smoked meth," like,
"I don't know why I keep..."
598
00:41:45,503 --> 00:41:47,374
Yeah, he's like,
"You should stop that."
599
00:41:47,417 --> 00:41:50,333
I was like, "Yeah, I know,"
but then I kept
going back and doing it.
600
00:41:50,377 --> 00:41:54,512
And all those, you know,
walls were crumbling
slowly around me and,
601
00:41:54,555 --> 00:41:58,994
you know,
the whole illusion, you know,
shattered on itself, so.
602
00:41:59,038 --> 00:42:01,867
There's all kinds of physical
health ramifications,
603
00:42:01,910 --> 00:42:06,393
stroke, heart attack,
liver and kidney failure.
It's devastating.
604
00:42:07,394 --> 00:42:10,092
When my friend came and got me, it was an Ash Wednesday.
605
00:42:10,136 --> 00:42:11,311
It was so weird.
606
00:42:12,399 --> 00:42:14,619
And I remember walking around,
607
00:42:14,662 --> 00:42:18,013
like, so just like
tweaked out of my head
608
00:42:18,057 --> 00:42:21,016
and seeing all these people
with like crosses
on their forehead
609
00:42:21,060 --> 00:42:22,844
and being like,
"This is too much."
610
00:42:22,888 --> 00:42:26,369
And she took me to a meeting
and she found a meeting
at the center.
611
00:42:26,413 --> 00:42:29,372
Many addicts aren't
inspired to change
612
00:42:29,416 --> 00:42:32,593
until things get so bad
that they have no alternative.
613
00:42:32,637 --> 00:42:35,291
And I think that's often the point at which people
614
00:42:35,335 --> 00:42:37,729
get into twelve-step recovery
and can begin that process.
615
00:43:04,538 --> 00:43:06,235
Hey. Hi.
616
00:43:08,411 --> 00:43:10,109
-How are you?
-Good.
617
00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:18,030
-So what are we doing today?
- Step seven.
618
00:43:19,074 --> 00:43:19,945
Alrighty.
619
00:43:22,730 --> 00:43:23,601
So...
620
00:43:26,125 --> 00:43:30,085
The concept of giving away
to keep it is
the most important thing for me.
621
00:43:30,129 --> 00:43:33,959
Like, I have worked with sponsees since I had a year
622
00:43:34,002 --> 00:43:36,962
and they're telling you
all their deepest,
darkest secrets.
623
00:43:37,005 --> 00:43:39,138
They're confiding in you
every night, you know,
624
00:43:39,181 --> 00:43:42,837
or, hopefully, or they are
making connection with you
that's so powerful
625
00:43:42,881 --> 00:43:48,669
and all you're doing is telling
them what you did and guiding
them through a book that exists.
626
00:43:48,713 --> 00:43:52,673
At first glance, step seven
may almost seem
an afterthought to step six.
627
00:43:52,717 --> 00:43:55,023
And there's a need to practice
spiritual principles
628
00:43:55,067 --> 00:43:57,112
in the place
of character defects.
629
00:43:57,156 --> 00:44:00,115
Sponsors are not hired,
they don't get no money,
630
00:44:00,159 --> 00:44:03,075
they are not required to do it, and they do it
631
00:44:03,118 --> 00:44:07,645
because it's part
of their last step,
the twelve step is--
632
00:44:07,688 --> 00:44:10,430
is I couldn't
get totally sober
without giving this away.
633
00:44:11,387 --> 00:44:15,348
So number one, which
of my attitudes have changed
since I've been in recovery?
634
00:44:15,391 --> 00:44:19,308
My attitude about CMA
not working for me has changed.
635
00:44:19,352 --> 00:44:24,444
I now believe it can help me
if I open up and let it
into my life.
636
00:44:25,663 --> 00:44:28,187
And have I asked my sponsor
for guidance?
637
00:44:28,230 --> 00:44:30,145
-Yes.
-Yay.
638
00:44:30,189 --> 00:44:32,800
When I decided that escorting
639
00:44:32,844 --> 00:44:36,630
was no longer a good job for me,
640
00:44:36,674 --> 00:44:41,722
for my sobriety,
and I got a sober job
walking dogs, so.
641
00:44:41,766 --> 00:44:43,202
Okay.
642
00:44:43,245 --> 00:44:48,294
So, example of letting go
and trusting that escorting
643
00:44:48,337 --> 00:44:50,383
wasn't what my higher
power wanted me to do.
644
00:44:50,426 --> 00:44:55,736
Like each addict has like
a heart and a soul that was
destroyed by this drug,
645
00:44:55,780 --> 00:45:01,263
and just asking questions starts
to like-- like a boil, you know,
646
00:45:01,307 --> 00:45:06,312
one of those pimple-popping
videos you see on YouTube,
you know, it like all comes out.
647
00:45:06,355 --> 00:45:09,968
And then once you get
that out, you know,
they start to heal.
648
00:45:10,011 --> 00:45:13,493
And what do you think
you're trying to suppress
when you act on it?
649
00:45:14,799 --> 00:45:17,802
I think
I'm trying to suppress the--
650
00:45:20,369 --> 00:45:22,763
the possibility
that I may be wrong
651
00:45:22,807 --> 00:45:26,375
because that's, you know,
I don't want to be wrong,
that's embarrassing.
652
00:45:26,419 --> 00:45:29,117
And, like with--
with escorting, for example,
653
00:45:29,161 --> 00:45:33,600
I kept holding
on to this idea that I--
I can do it, I can--
654
00:45:33,643 --> 00:45:39,475
I can be a prostitute
and stay sober, even though
I continually kept relapsing.
655
00:45:39,519 --> 00:45:43,088
And that wasn't my-- but that
was my whole livelihood
for years.
656
00:45:43,131 --> 00:45:47,614
So, to admit
that that may be wrong was
very scary because that meant,
657
00:45:47,657 --> 00:45:49,529
"Oh, I can't do that
at all anymore,"
658
00:45:49,572 --> 00:45:52,924
and it was very much
my safety blanket for every--
659
00:45:52,967 --> 00:45:57,580
you know, my income,
self-esteem, different
things like that.
660
00:45:57,624 --> 00:46:01,410
So it felt like you were trying
to take that away from me.
And...
661
00:46:01,454 --> 00:46:03,586
That was what I didn't know
how to do in the past.
662
00:46:03,630 --> 00:46:06,154
I used to think
that sponsoring
was just, you know,
663
00:46:06,198 --> 00:46:09,027
telling someone
to go to a meeting
every day, you know,
664
00:46:09,070 --> 00:46:12,770
and, you know, reading a book
665
00:46:12,813 --> 00:46:15,642
and having them write,
like, grids down.
666
00:46:15,685 --> 00:46:20,821
I didn't realize that it
was actually like listening
to someone and--
667
00:46:20,865 --> 00:46:25,434
and asking
the questions that will
lead them to heal themselves.
668
00:46:33,486 --> 00:46:35,531
So, there are really
many avenues to recovery
669
00:46:35,575 --> 00:46:37,707
once someone understands
that they may need that help.
670
00:46:38,926 --> 00:46:43,409
The unifying factor that they
all have is some kind
of social format.
671
00:46:43,452 --> 00:46:45,890
I think it's not
something we can figure
out by ourselves
672
00:46:45,933 --> 00:46:48,022
and that's something
we can do in isolation.
673
00:46:52,026 --> 00:46:55,334
I've had a couple of sponsors
that I loved dearly.
674
00:46:56,988 --> 00:46:59,904
One of them I worked
with him for like two years
675
00:46:59,947 --> 00:47:03,255
and then he went into a spiral
which he has not
been able to get out of,
676
00:47:03,298 --> 00:47:04,647
of using.
677
00:47:06,214 --> 00:47:10,001
But I haven't had
to push him away or,
you know, I have--
678
00:47:10,044 --> 00:47:11,480
I don't feel anger
toward him.
679
00:47:11,524 --> 00:47:14,744
His humanity is just
so clear to me.
680
00:47:22,013 --> 00:47:23,449
Yeah,
I should throw them out.
681
00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:30,151
I'm gonna throw out
a couple of old syringes
682
00:47:30,195 --> 00:47:31,892
that I probably
used on my last relapse
683
00:47:31,936 --> 00:47:35,417
just because they shouldn't
be in my bag. So, here we go.
684
00:47:43,948 --> 00:47:48,256
I can't get off this well,
of course, and I don't know
what to do.
685
00:47:49,214 --> 00:47:52,608
But at least I took
myself to a meeting,
and that ended the run.
686
00:47:52,652 --> 00:47:57,048
But I still have fellows who are
texting me and who are out
687
00:47:57,091 --> 00:48:01,922
and know that I'm struggling
with this and are texting me,
688
00:48:01,966 --> 00:48:04,707
"I have an abundance of stuff,
why don't you just come over?
689
00:48:04,751 --> 00:48:07,623
Why don't you-- why don't
you just come hang out?"
690
00:48:07,667 --> 00:48:12,846
And it's just like, I don't
know, and that started--
691
00:48:12,890 --> 00:48:16,763
we can have two-week relapse
where I used every single day,
692
00:48:16,806 --> 00:48:20,419
I was using more
than I've ever used before.
693
00:48:20,462 --> 00:48:22,987
Normally, I would use
once intravenously
694
00:48:23,030 --> 00:48:25,119
and then be good
for a couple of days.
695
00:48:25,163 --> 00:48:29,558
I was using intravenously
three times a day
for two weeks straight
696
00:48:29,602 --> 00:48:34,999
knowing that I should stop
after like the second time
of shooting up
697
00:48:35,042 --> 00:48:39,699
and telling myself
as I am preparing
for the third one
698
00:48:39,742 --> 00:48:41,396
that I really
shouldn't be doing this.
699
00:48:41,440 --> 00:48:44,008
I was really hallucinating.
I was already going crazy.
700
00:48:44,051 --> 00:48:46,227
I was really thinking
that people were
trying to kill me.
701
00:48:46,271 --> 00:48:49,535
But I am sitting there
about to do it again.
702
00:48:49,578 --> 00:48:52,581
It could easily be construed
that people are using you,
703
00:48:52,625 --> 00:48:54,322
but you're letting
them use you.
704
00:48:54,366 --> 00:48:56,411
-Yeah.
-You know, you're letting them.
705
00:48:56,455 --> 00:48:57,891
I'm allowing them.
706
00:48:57,935 --> 00:49:02,940
You're allowing them to do
that to actually to degrade.
707
00:49:04,028 --> 00:49:06,726
You know, you're actually
letting them turn you
708
00:49:06,769 --> 00:49:10,904
into a resume that
your value is in your youth
and your beauty,
709
00:49:10,948 --> 00:49:13,515
and it's not. It's not.
710
00:49:14,908 --> 00:49:17,171
You know,
I'm 71 years old.
711
00:49:17,215 --> 00:49:21,175
If you are-- if you--
if you are lucky,
712
00:49:21,219 --> 00:49:23,612
you're gonna
be seventy-one someday,
713
00:49:23,656 --> 00:49:26,311
you're gonna-- you don't keep
counting on your resume.
714
00:49:26,354 --> 00:49:28,095
Yeah.
715
00:49:28,139 --> 00:49:32,360
It doesn't work.
It doesn't work today.
It's a shitty way of life.
716
00:49:32,404 --> 00:49:34,754
-Do you actually know
what I am saying?
-I do.
717
00:49:34,797 --> 00:49:36,669
Yeah. It's nowhere.
718
00:49:38,018 --> 00:49:41,935
But-- but I know because
I've been there just like you,
719
00:49:41,979 --> 00:49:43,458
"Hello, my name is
Rick, I'm an addict,"
720
00:49:43,502 --> 00:49:45,852
I-- I know the scene.
721
00:49:45,895 --> 00:49:49,029
And sometimes I've
heard you say things
that are just like, you know,
722
00:49:49,073 --> 00:49:52,815
"Oh my God, this kid just needs
a little guidance here."
723
00:49:52,859 --> 00:49:54,295
Yeah.
724
00:49:54,339 --> 00:49:56,341
Maybe a little bit more
than just a little guidance.
725
00:49:57,516 --> 00:50:02,477
It's-- it's probably, you know,
it's probably not that
much more than a little.
726
00:50:02,521 --> 00:50:04,175
-Yeah.
-You know.
727
00:50:05,698 --> 00:50:07,439
Rick has years as sobriety.
728
00:50:07,482 --> 00:50:09,571
So, like, when I look at him,
it just like
729
00:50:11,312 --> 00:50:14,707
maybe it's possible
to get sober because,
you know, for a while
730
00:50:14,750 --> 00:50:19,320
I just feel like there's no way
that someone can stay sober
731
00:50:19,364 --> 00:50:23,063
from using crystal meth
for so many years
and just like stop using.
732
00:50:23,107 --> 00:50:25,544
Like that doesn't exist,
it's a fairy tale,
733
00:50:25,587 --> 00:50:28,503
it's a lie, everyone
goes back to using,
734
00:50:28,547 --> 00:50:33,030
like, and if you don't,
then you, clearly,
didn't use meth the right way.
735
00:50:33,073 --> 00:50:36,337
But, you know, I've heard
of Rick's story
736
00:50:36,381 --> 00:50:38,818
and he's used meth
the very right way
737
00:50:38,861 --> 00:50:42,126
and he's able
to not go back to it.
738
00:50:42,169 --> 00:50:44,824
- Why don't I take
your phone number?
-Yeah, definitely.
739
00:50:46,652 --> 00:50:47,870
-You got it?
-Yep.
740
00:50:47,914 --> 00:50:48,741
Okay.
741
00:50:50,351 --> 00:50:51,831
-Shoot me a text.
-I'm gonna shoot
you a text right now.
742
00:50:55,356 --> 00:50:58,620
It really is a beautiful day,
it really is.
743
00:51:05,932 --> 00:51:09,631
So there is still
this dynamic interplay
between HIV and crystal meth
744
00:51:09,675 --> 00:51:12,373
and that a lot of the people
were saying coming
into care right now
745
00:51:12,417 --> 00:51:15,811
for HIV services
happen to be crystal meth
addicts as well.
746
00:51:15,855 --> 00:51:21,600
The irony of a lot of gay men
having survived HIV only
to succumb to crystal meth.
747
00:51:21,643 --> 00:51:25,560
And so I think there is
this kind of urgency
to-- to address it.
748
00:51:26,518 --> 00:51:28,911
Um, so some other things.
Are you undergoing healthcare?
749
00:51:28,955 --> 00:51:33,394
What is your medical
situation like? You said you
were HIV positive.
750
00:51:33,438 --> 00:51:37,746
Yeah, I've been positive
since I was fifteen actually.
751
00:51:37,790 --> 00:51:39,792
So, I mean, a long time.
752
00:51:39,835 --> 00:51:42,229
-From the beginning.
-Yeah. Yeah. Back when--
753
00:51:42,273 --> 00:51:48,017
back when people still--
still were getting chaos
and dementia and all that.
754
00:51:48,061 --> 00:51:50,803
-So this was in your teens?
-I was, yeah, I was fifteen.
755
00:51:50,846 --> 00:51:53,762
So what was that like being
a teenager being diagnosed
756
00:51:53,806 --> 00:51:56,722
with something that back then
was considered terminal?
757
00:52:08,516 --> 00:52:11,128
It's just such
a huge piece of who I am
758
00:52:11,171 --> 00:52:15,828
and what's built me and made me
and challenged me and hurt me
759
00:52:15,871 --> 00:52:18,396
and, you know,
getting sick very young.
760
00:52:18,439 --> 00:52:21,660
I had-- I had like, like,
in Children's Hospitals,
761
00:52:21,703 --> 00:52:25,011
because I didn't have
a family and they did
biopsies on me and shit.
762
00:52:25,054 --> 00:52:27,970
-It was terrifying.
-Have you had
opportunistic infections?
763
00:52:28,014 --> 00:52:29,711
-Oh, yeah.
-Okay.
764
00:52:29,755 --> 00:52:32,540
Yeah, I've been--
I spent-- the worst one,
I spent six months,
765
00:52:32,584 --> 00:52:35,108
like,
and tubes and I couldn't eat.
766
00:52:35,152 --> 00:52:38,198
So we're dealing with another
layer of trauma, the addiction,
767
00:52:38,242 --> 00:52:41,201
the child abandonment abuse,
768
00:52:41,245 --> 00:52:44,639
and now a major,
major medical ordeal.
769
00:52:44,683 --> 00:52:47,947
-How are you doing now?
-I'm still here.
770
00:52:47,990 --> 00:52:49,166
Right.
771
00:53:04,964 --> 00:53:08,272
The other side
of the intersection
of meth and HIV
772
00:53:08,315 --> 00:53:10,404
is for people
who are already HIV positive,
773
00:53:10,448 --> 00:53:12,537
it dramatically affects
adherence to medications.
774
00:53:12,580 --> 00:53:15,279
So, they can develop
resistance to their drugs.
775
00:53:15,322 --> 00:53:17,542
When I was using,
776
00:53:17,585 --> 00:53:23,069
I would sometimes not take
my HIV medication all the time.
777
00:53:26,768 --> 00:53:28,683
You know, I would
go out on a Friday,
778
00:53:28,727 --> 00:53:32,470
I would bring the pills with me
but then I'd be so high
779
00:53:32,513 --> 00:53:36,604
I would like forget
to and oh, you know,
780
00:53:38,476 --> 00:53:43,263
surprisingly,
I never became resistant
to the medication, luckily.
781
00:53:43,307 --> 00:53:45,744
And I take Truvada,
782
00:53:45,787 --> 00:53:50,227
Prezista and Norvir.
783
00:53:51,532 --> 00:53:54,535
I've-- I forget I have
HIV all the time
784
00:53:54,579 --> 00:53:58,583
because it's kind
of like having diabetes now
785
00:53:58,626 --> 00:54:01,150
and that's, you know,
not something I have said,
786
00:54:01,194 --> 00:54:04,241
it's something
my doctor has said. It's--
it's a chronic thing.
787
00:54:04,284 --> 00:54:08,157
But, you know, my viral
load is undetectable,
788
00:54:08,201 --> 00:54:13,250
so I would show up negative
on it if I were
to take an HIV test.
789
00:54:13,989 --> 00:54:17,123
So, like,
I'm really at peace with it.
790
00:54:21,606 --> 00:54:24,304
I keep this on my dresser
791
00:54:24,348 --> 00:54:28,177
and I guess this is kind
of like a shrine in the sense.
792
00:54:28,221 --> 00:54:30,702
Even though nothing really
will replace my mom,
793
00:54:30,745 --> 00:54:32,878
it's just a reminder
that she's always there.
794
00:54:35,359 --> 00:54:38,579
Me and my mom,
our relationship was complex
795
00:54:38,623 --> 00:54:41,190
because she was really
one of the only people
796
00:54:41,234 --> 00:54:45,064
who would ask me directly
about my sobriety
797
00:54:45,107 --> 00:54:49,111
because she understood
what that was,
what that life was like.
798
00:54:50,199 --> 00:54:54,682
I'll say that what contributed
to her passing was
her own addiction.
799
00:54:54,726 --> 00:54:56,380
She was addicted to crack.
800
00:54:56,423 --> 00:55:01,341
And she was
trying to fight it, I think,
801
00:55:01,385 --> 00:55:05,824
in-- in little spurts,
but ultimately it took her down.
802
00:55:06,738 --> 00:55:10,698
So that's something that I
have to remember like always.
803
00:55:10,742 --> 00:55:16,748
I have a real reason
to stay sober.
I owe this to her, you know.
804
00:55:19,446 --> 00:55:22,362
The day off where I'm
at my sister's house,
805
00:55:22,406 --> 00:55:26,018
one of the first things
she says and she's like
five-six months pregnant,
806
00:55:26,061 --> 00:55:30,109
she was like,
"I can't have you relapse in
807
00:55:30,152 --> 00:55:32,198
because I can't do
this all on my own."
808
00:55:34,418 --> 00:55:37,725
My daily schedule,
everything is set up in a way
809
00:55:37,769 --> 00:55:40,337
where it's really
inconvenient to use.
810
00:55:42,600 --> 00:55:47,169
I'm kind of in the sweet spot.
I don't want it to be
any other way.
811
00:56:13,761 --> 00:56:16,721
Of course,
there are signs everywhere
that say "Stay on the path"
812
00:56:18,679 --> 00:56:20,464
and I completely ignore those.
813
00:56:23,467 --> 00:56:27,427
I haven't encountered
in the path police, yet.
814
00:56:29,777 --> 00:56:30,604
Oh.
815
00:56:40,135 --> 00:56:42,007
That is fucking awesome.
816
00:56:42,050 --> 00:56:45,358
What is so cool
about this reflection
817
00:56:45,402 --> 00:56:49,623
is that a lot of the way
818
00:56:49,667 --> 00:56:52,670
something is reflected
off a glass
depends on the glass.
819
00:56:52,713 --> 00:56:58,676
Each piece of it is not
as perfectly flat as you would
have with normal glass.
820
00:56:58,719 --> 00:57:03,550
So what that means is
from a distance that it all
looks the same from here,
821
00:57:03,594 --> 00:57:05,552
but the further you
get away from it,
822
00:57:05,596 --> 00:57:10,252
the more the differences
in the way that it's
shaped are pronounced
823
00:57:10,296 --> 00:57:12,951
and it looks like a Picasso.
824
00:57:14,256 --> 00:57:15,823
And it's brilliant.
825
00:57:17,259 --> 00:57:21,525
For me, the reflections
are a metaphor
826
00:57:21,568 --> 00:57:24,136
for my experience in recovery
827
00:57:24,702 --> 00:57:28,053
because when I was
getting high all the time,
828
00:57:28,096 --> 00:57:32,971
I didn't see flowers,
I didn't see birds,
829
00:57:33,014 --> 00:57:37,845
I didn't see the beauty
of nature or the beauty
of great architecture.
830
00:57:37,889 --> 00:57:40,979
Those things were
like parting glasses to me,
831
00:57:41,022 --> 00:57:43,677
you know, whatever,
it was there
but I didn't think about it.
832
00:57:43,721 --> 00:57:45,723
It does make me reflect.
833
00:57:56,951 --> 00:57:57,909
You know, it's funny.
834
00:57:59,693 --> 00:58:03,044
When you're high on drugs,
depending on the drug
that you're on,
835
00:58:03,088 --> 00:58:07,092
you can get pretty shaky,
you can get pretty
nervous and jittery,
836
00:58:07,135 --> 00:58:12,576
and there's not a drug out there
that does that more,
I don't think, than meth.
837
00:58:12,619 --> 00:58:18,538
And when
I stopped using drugs,
838
00:58:18,582 --> 00:58:20,366
when I got off of the meth
839
00:58:20,409 --> 00:58:24,892
and I started
using photography instead,
840
00:58:24,936 --> 00:58:28,243
my hands stopped shaking
and my photographs got better.
841
00:58:54,487 --> 00:58:58,317
I'm working with three singers
and songwriters right now
842
00:58:58,360 --> 00:59:01,494
and we're starting
this thing called
The Emergence Collective
843
00:59:02,974 --> 00:59:06,455
where we just get together
and we, like, help--
like, help build songs
844
00:59:06,499 --> 00:59:09,328
like stack
harmonies or whatever.
So I wrote it for them.
845
00:59:09,371 --> 00:59:12,070
And, yeah,
I just wanted it to be fun.
846
00:59:13,811 --> 00:59:17,075
Right on, come up.
Here it goes.
847
00:59:22,733 --> 00:59:23,777
It will go down there.
848
00:59:30,479 --> 00:59:32,264
Go on.
849
00:59:32,307 --> 00:59:34,919
The challenge for me
now has been, like,
what am I doing this for?
850
00:59:34,962 --> 00:59:36,050
Like, why?
851
00:59:37,574 --> 00:59:39,097
I've been playing and singing
since I was five years old
852
00:59:39,140 --> 00:59:41,142
because I love it,
because it brings me joy.
853
00:59:41,186 --> 00:59:44,972
I love the feeling of music
going through my body.
854
00:59:45,016 --> 00:59:47,496
It's like it's better than--
it's better than drugs.
855
00:59:47,540 --> 00:59:53,241
Singing in harmony is better
than any fucking drug
you can-- you can experience.
856
00:59:53,285 --> 00:59:55,635
And I think people want
to feel connected to each other
857
00:59:55,679 --> 00:59:57,463
and music makes you
feel connected.
858
01:00:00,553 --> 01:00:02,773
So we try the whole thing? Okay.
859
01:00:51,473 --> 01:00:54,738
There's this saying
in recovery that feelings
aren't facts.
860
01:00:54,781 --> 01:00:57,741
So, that-- that to me
is what this song is.
861
01:00:57,784 --> 01:00:59,481
It's like
I feel like shit right now
862
01:00:59,525 --> 01:01:02,615
but I believe that tomorrow
it might not be this way.
863
01:01:02,659 --> 01:01:05,400
And a lot of it's overwhelming
is what I am telling myself.
864
01:02:32,531 --> 01:02:34,576
-Yeah.
- Bam.
865
01:02:34,620 --> 01:02:36,317
Thanks, guys.
866
01:02:43,107 --> 01:02:46,632
So one of the aspects of methamphetamine that make it particularly damaging
867
01:02:46,675 --> 01:02:48,982
is that it's neurotoxic,
which means simply that
868
01:02:49,026 --> 01:02:52,246
when meth-- meth molecule sits
on the dopamine receptor,
869
01:02:52,290 --> 01:02:54,858
instead of being washed off
like it would be for cocaine,
870
01:02:54,901 --> 01:02:58,122
it actually sits there
and destroys the receptor.
871
01:02:58,165 --> 01:03:04,041
And so the implication of that is that while those transporters are being regenerated,
872
01:03:04,084 --> 01:03:07,914
dopamine is not being adequately distributed in the brain
and that impacts mood,
873
01:03:07,958 --> 01:03:09,611
so people can get
highly depressed,
874
01:03:09,655 --> 01:03:12,919
people can get very impulsive,
people become suicidal.
875
01:03:12,963 --> 01:03:17,706
That would be the hardest
thing about staying sober
876
01:03:19,404 --> 01:03:23,364
is like sometimes really wanting
to escape and isolate.
877
01:03:24,496 --> 01:03:29,153
Sometimes you get worn down.
You don't want your mind
to be idle for too long.
878
01:03:30,284 --> 01:03:34,854
Typically, about ninety percent of people relapse
on the way to recovery.
879
01:03:34,898 --> 01:03:38,379
Getting past the drug use is
really just the beginning.
880
01:03:38,423 --> 01:03:41,513
Recovery
is really all about what--
what follows from that point.
881
01:03:42,862 --> 01:03:45,647
Do I want to use?
That's-- that's funny, yeah.
882
01:03:45,691 --> 01:03:48,476
Do I wanna get drunk,
do I wanna party? Yes.
883
01:03:48,520 --> 01:03:50,696
Not all the time but, yes,
once in a while I'm like,
884
01:03:50,739 --> 01:03:54,700
"I could-- I could go
for a joint, I could go
for a drink," all that stuff.
885
01:04:01,576 --> 01:04:05,450
I did relapse on a Sunday
and I had to be
at work at-- on Monday
886
01:04:05,493 --> 01:04:10,890
and I actually stopped using
drugs because I,
887
01:04:10,934 --> 01:04:15,286
you know, as I knew I
had to show up for work
the next morning.
888
01:04:19,029 --> 01:04:21,814
That was one
of the hardest parts
about it having to call them
889
01:04:21,858 --> 01:04:24,251
and say like, "I've relapsed,
890
01:04:24,295 --> 01:04:29,082
I'm really gonna try to make
it into work tomorrow but
I'm-- I'm in an awful state."
891
01:04:29,126 --> 01:04:32,129
It was important to me
that I not let them down
892
01:04:32,172 --> 01:04:34,871
and that's something
I never had before.
893
01:04:36,046 --> 01:04:37,351
Okay, guys.
894
01:04:42,574 --> 01:04:46,056
Relapse wasn't an option for me
because I was not
going back to prison.
895
01:04:46,099 --> 01:04:50,321
Even if it was
like walking on hot coals,
I had no choice.
896
01:04:50,364 --> 01:04:54,064
I'd put myself in situations
where I was fooling around
with someone
897
01:04:54,107 --> 01:04:57,241
and he said, "Here, will you
hold my pipe?" and I held
his pipe for him.
898
01:04:57,284 --> 01:05:00,548
But never did I say,
"Oh, you know what I could
take a hit of that."
899
01:05:02,072 --> 01:05:06,859
I've had a few
relapses and I'm recently
coming back from a relapse.
900
01:05:06,903 --> 01:05:12,125
You know I am able to accumulate
some months and then
I think I'm cured.
901
01:05:12,169 --> 01:05:14,562
That's my problem. I think
like I can handle everything.
902
01:05:14,606 --> 01:05:16,695
I think that I--
I got this down packed;
903
01:05:16,738 --> 01:05:20,133
I think that everything's
fine and I'm normal now
904
01:05:20,177 --> 01:05:23,180
and I can go have sex
and not think about meth.
905
01:05:24,268 --> 01:05:29,664
And-- and sex has been
a huge, a huge driver
for my-- for my relapses.
906
01:05:29,708 --> 01:05:32,363
And it's just because I
feel like I can have the sex
907
01:05:32,406 --> 01:05:35,366
that I was having while I
was having on meth.
908
01:05:36,280 --> 01:05:38,804
So if we do
one behavior like sex
909
01:05:38,847 --> 01:05:42,025
and have a certain
kind of mental state
like being high,
910
01:05:42,068 --> 01:05:44,723
if we do that enough
simultaneously,
911
01:05:44,766 --> 01:05:49,815
those two experiences become
joined, if you will, fused,
in the same neural pathways.
912
01:05:51,251 --> 01:05:56,213
I am thirty years old now.
I have never had sober sex.
913
01:05:56,256 --> 01:06:00,565
Since I started having sex,
it's been poppers, alcohol,
914
01:06:00,608 --> 01:06:05,526
coke, K, weed, Molly.
915
01:06:05,570 --> 01:06:08,965
If someone gets clean,
when those two things
have fused,
916
01:06:09,008 --> 01:06:12,272
very often their sexual desire
goes out the window as well.
917
01:06:12,316 --> 01:06:14,622
So it's not uncommon
for people in recovery
918
01:06:14,666 --> 01:06:19,105
to have no sexual desire
for a month or three months
or six months or a year.
919
01:06:20,411 --> 01:06:22,891
There's a mourning period
that I haven't gone through.
920
01:06:22,935 --> 01:06:27,766
Like, I have to mourn the death
of like this fake façade
amazing sex
921
01:06:27,809 --> 01:06:30,073
that I thought
that I was having
that never really happened.
922
01:06:30,116 --> 01:06:31,248
I had to mourn that.
923
01:06:32,727 --> 01:06:34,468
As gay men in the U.S.,
924
01:06:34,512 --> 01:06:37,471
we're still learning
how to really socialize
with each other,
925
01:06:37,515 --> 01:06:42,955
how to not turn everything
into sex, how to have
platonic gay friends.
926
01:06:42,999 --> 01:06:47,177
Like, this is the first time
that I ever was
able to relate to gay men
927
01:06:47,220 --> 01:06:50,223
without thinking, "Oh,
it would be nice to fuck him"
928
01:06:50,267 --> 01:06:52,399
maybe sometimes, "But it
would be nice to fuck him"
929
01:06:52,443 --> 01:06:55,359
or, "Oh, was he interested
in me?" Blah, blah, blah.
930
01:06:55,402 --> 01:06:57,709
That's certainly probably
the biggest single challenge
931
01:06:57,752 --> 01:07:00,494
is that people relapse
because they're not
having any sex
932
01:07:00,538 --> 01:07:04,063
and they feel they can't
have sex and then meth
gives them that opportunity.
933
01:07:05,760 --> 01:07:09,416
I relapsed last year
in mid-October
934
01:07:10,374 --> 01:07:16,075
and I think by that time I had
missed a couple of shifts
with Guardian Angels.
935
01:07:16,119 --> 01:07:19,252
So, you don't feel confident
enough really to do it
936
01:07:19,296 --> 01:07:21,515
and then that kind of stays
with you for a while,
937
01:07:21,559 --> 01:07:24,649
and it shows
in your body language
and it shows everywhere else.
938
01:07:24,692 --> 01:07:28,087
Everybody starts asking you
if you're okay
and shit like that.
939
01:07:28,131 --> 01:07:29,001
And I hate that.
940
01:07:39,707 --> 01:07:43,146
My using days
has helped me to,
like, be able to pick out
941
01:07:43,189 --> 01:07:46,497
when somebody
is really strung out.
942
01:07:49,804 --> 01:07:52,111
I can see that now.
943
01:07:52,155 --> 01:07:54,374
I'm doing something
that's actually worthwhile
944
01:07:54,418 --> 01:07:57,595
and I'm not taking up energy
and taking up resources
945
01:07:57,638 --> 01:08:02,426
and taking up space
and taking up money being,
you know, a public nuisance.
946
01:08:02,469 --> 01:08:04,602
So it's kind of like
I flipped a little bit
947
01:08:04,645 --> 01:08:07,605
and now I can see it
from the outside looking in.
948
01:08:28,408 --> 01:08:30,323
This junction is Newport.
949
01:08:58,090 --> 01:09:01,876
If anybody wants
to parTy with capital T
and they hadn't yet,
950
01:09:01,920 --> 01:09:03,791
I would strongly
discourage them.
951
01:09:03,835 --> 01:09:06,011
Acting like a mom
about it and say,
952
01:09:06,054 --> 01:09:09,188
"No, this is blah, blah, blah,
I'm not gonna be the one
to bring you into it."
953
01:09:09,232 --> 01:09:12,931
And then I got to a point
where I realized,
954
01:09:12,974 --> 01:09:15,063
"You know what, like, these are
grown-ass people,"
955
01:09:15,107 --> 01:09:17,675
you know what I mean,
"They want to do it,
they want to do it.
956
01:09:17,718 --> 01:09:19,633
They can make their own,
you know, decision."
957
01:09:19,677 --> 01:09:22,810
I made my own ground decision,
you know, when I did it
the first time,
958
01:09:22,854 --> 01:09:24,856
so they can make their own
ground decision.
959
01:09:27,641 --> 01:09:30,644
So I've never had a boyfriend.
I burn the candle a lot fast.
960
01:09:30,688 --> 01:09:33,952
You know, after a week
or two, ideally,
961
01:09:33,995 --> 01:09:37,260
it would be a relationship,
you know what I mean?
962
01:09:37,303 --> 01:09:41,568
Just-- there's no exactly, like, perfect way to describe it.
963
01:09:41,612 --> 01:09:45,181
I can't like write it out,
you know what I mean,
like a perfect plan.
964
01:10:02,894 --> 01:10:08,160
For me, again, I'm not
trying to live, you know
what I mean, some long life.
965
01:10:08,204 --> 01:10:12,033
You know what I mean?
Or, like, trying to reach
like ninety, you know.
966
01:10:14,340 --> 01:10:16,908
Whatever my life will be,
my life will be, you know.
967
01:10:18,039 --> 01:10:21,304
Yeah, it will take
its course, yeah.
968
01:11:15,183 --> 01:11:18,056
So when Shane was
healthy enough,
we used to take walks.
969
01:11:19,013 --> 01:11:20,537
He liked cold weather.
970
01:11:20,580 --> 01:11:24,018
He always called me a pussy
because I put so much on.
971
01:11:24,062 --> 01:11:27,544
We particularly liked this area because it's all rock
972
01:11:27,587 --> 01:11:32,592
and there's this huge part
of the rock formation
973
01:11:32,636 --> 01:11:34,507
that's just out
over Park Drive.
974
01:11:45,431 --> 01:11:49,566
From the time that Shane and I started seeing each other, we used something.
975
01:11:50,480 --> 01:11:54,614
Meth was a huge part
of our relationship for the
majority of our relationship.
976
01:11:54,658 --> 01:11:57,138
And that only changed
after we got arrested.
977
01:11:57,182 --> 01:12:01,360
Um, I was-- we were both
required to stop using.
978
01:12:01,404 --> 01:12:04,624
We were both monitored
by pretrial services.
979
01:12:04,668 --> 01:12:08,715
Shane was a slicker
relapser than I was.
980
01:12:08,759 --> 01:12:12,545
He figured out how to do it
and not get caught.
I was not as good.
981
01:12:19,509 --> 01:12:22,642
There was a lot about his life
that was just torture for him.
982
01:12:24,383 --> 01:12:29,301
How he landed on just
ending his medications
983
01:12:29,345 --> 01:12:33,740
I don't really think
I'll ever understand.
That's a tough way to go.
984
01:12:33,784 --> 01:12:37,309
But that's what he decided,
he decided to stop
taking his HIV meds
985
01:12:37,353 --> 01:12:39,877
and he did that
in June of 2016.
986
01:12:52,019 --> 01:12:55,153
Can you check
if my shoes are black--
my black shoes are down?
987
01:12:55,196 --> 01:12:57,590
-Which ones?
-The one I was looking for
the last time.
988
01:12:57,634 --> 01:13:00,724
-I don't know, it's probably--
- I think they are-- oh,
you don't want me to wear them?
989
01:13:00,767 --> 01:13:02,726
I don't remember
which ones. So sorry.
990
01:13:02,769 --> 01:13:05,859
I think they are,
you know, with the little
stuff on the top like--
991
01:13:13,519 --> 01:13:19,307
I was traveling
for work and I had a day off
when I first got to Chicago.
992
01:13:19,351 --> 01:13:23,224
And I spent that day
with the door closed
watching porn.
993
01:13:23,268 --> 01:13:25,749
So I went online and I
started like emailing guys
994
01:13:25,792 --> 01:13:27,881
on Craigslist
and on Adam4Adam.
995
01:13:27,925 --> 01:13:30,406
And then a few months
later while I was away,
996
01:13:30,449 --> 01:13:32,669
again Loic calls me
or texted me and he--
997
01:13:32,712 --> 01:13:35,193
and he saw one of these emails
that was in my inbox
998
01:13:35,236 --> 01:13:37,935
from these Craigslist exchanges.
999
01:13:37,978 --> 01:13:43,114
It was like completely gross
and lewd and he was really hurt
by it obviously.
1000
01:13:43,157 --> 01:13:46,160
I called him right away and we
talked-- we talked about it
and I just-- it was like,
1001
01:13:46,204 --> 01:13:48,859
"Thank God he saw that email
'cause now he knows
I'm not perfect."
1002
01:13:48,902 --> 01:13:50,469
It just was
like a relief. I'm like,
1003
01:13:50,513 --> 01:13:52,645
"Oh, I don't need to pretend
1004
01:13:52,689 --> 01:13:57,563
that I'm not, like, still sick."
1005
01:13:58,912 --> 01:14:00,697
-Do you have the license?
-Yeah.
1006
01:14:00,740 --> 01:14:02,786
Okay.
1007
01:14:04,918 --> 01:14:08,487
I was on the phone
and he was worried
about some stuff
1008
01:14:08,531 --> 01:14:11,882
and I just said--
you were in France
and I was in South Carolina--
1009
01:14:11,925 --> 01:14:13,100
Yeah.
1010
01:14:13,144 --> 01:14:14,667
And I just said,
"Let's just get married."
1011
01:14:14,711 --> 01:14:18,671
And he's like,
"What?" I'm like,
"Yeah, let's get married.
1012
01:14:18,715 --> 01:14:20,325
-We'll be okay."
-Yeah.
1013
01:14:20,368 --> 01:14:24,111
And then it solved all
the problems and, logistically,
1014
01:14:24,155 --> 01:14:27,811
and so that's what we decided
to do. Wasn't very official.
1015
01:14:39,170 --> 01:14:41,868
Go inside the wedding area
behind me and I'll call you
by your name.
1016
01:14:41,912 --> 01:14:42,739
Alright.
1017
01:14:55,882 --> 01:14:58,058
-You know I'm next.
-Hmm?
1018
01:14:58,102 --> 01:15:02,628
-We are next.
-We're gonna be--
I'm your first husband.
1019
01:15:02,672 --> 01:15:04,195
How do you feel?
1020
01:15:07,024 --> 01:15:08,329
You're gonna be
my first husband.
1021
01:15:08,373 --> 01:15:09,809
You're gonna
be my first husband.
1022
01:15:09,853 --> 01:15:10,680
Thank God.
1023
01:15:13,726 --> 01:15:15,554
-I hope to be the last one, too.
-I do, too.
1024
01:15:16,163 --> 01:15:19,645
- Marrying
Matthew and Loic.
1025
01:15:27,435 --> 01:15:30,961
I said to him,
"Do you want to get married?"
1026
01:15:32,615 --> 01:15:35,705
We had exchanged rings
a couple of years earlier.
1027
01:15:37,620 --> 01:15:41,101
I had given him a ring
and he gave me this.
1028
01:15:41,145 --> 01:15:44,148
And so he said yeah.
1029
01:15:44,191 --> 01:15:48,152
So I went to the chaplain
at the hospital
and had them draw up papers.
1030
01:15:48,195 --> 01:15:52,852
The doctor drew up the papers
that I could take down
to the marriage bureau
1031
01:15:52,896 --> 01:15:56,290
and we never got that far.
1032
01:16:07,867 --> 01:16:10,087
This is Shane's remains.
1033
01:16:10,870 --> 01:16:16,180
I had told myself this
was just his ashes,
this is not Shane.
1034
01:16:16,223 --> 01:16:19,618
It's such a small box
but it's heavy.
1035
01:16:25,145 --> 01:16:30,063
I don't think that I ever
felt more love for him
1036
01:16:31,195 --> 01:16:32,849
than when he was suffering.
1037
01:16:35,982 --> 01:16:40,726
So it's painful as those times
were as hard as they were.
1038
01:16:49,692 --> 01:16:55,132
I guess it was a way
for me to remember
that I was cared for him.
1039
01:17:02,966 --> 01:17:07,231
You know, he only
died three weeks ago and...
1040
01:17:13,933 --> 01:17:18,590
I thought I'd be further
along in my grieving,
1041
01:17:18,634 --> 01:17:21,811
but I realize
there's no timeline for grief.
1042
01:17:22,376 --> 01:17:28,295
I didn't want to feel the pain
of losing him, which I felt
was inevitable.
1043
01:17:28,339 --> 01:17:33,083
I didn't want
to feel the pain of feeling
that I had no hope.
1044
01:17:35,694 --> 01:17:37,914
In recovery
we talk about how, you know,
1045
01:17:37,957 --> 01:17:40,960
you don't get addicted overnight
and you don't recover overnight.
1046
01:17:41,004 --> 01:17:43,093
And grief is the same way.
1047
01:17:45,138 --> 01:17:48,838
I have had to admit that I am
powerless over my grief
1048
01:17:48,881 --> 01:17:52,319
and the-- the only way
for me to heal is
to surrender to it
1049
01:17:52,363 --> 01:17:54,887
and just feel what I feel
when I'm feeling it.
1050
01:18:00,066 --> 01:18:01,633
- Great.
- Left hand.
1051
01:18:02,416 --> 01:18:03,417
I'm your first.
1052
01:18:05,158 --> 01:18:06,464
This is yours, baby.
1053
01:18:21,653 --> 01:18:22,480
Love you.
1054
01:18:31,663 --> 01:18:33,709
-Okay. Let's go.
-All right.
1055
01:18:41,281 --> 01:18:43,457
Like if I start thinking,
you know, forever,
it turns into,
1056
01:18:43,501 --> 01:18:46,199
"Oh, no, I'm trapped
in a marriage,"
and I can't do that.
1057
01:18:46,243 --> 01:18:51,814
Like, I will-- I will
start to self-destruct if I
started to think of forever.
1058
01:18:51,857 --> 01:18:54,207
I'd to tell him like
two months in the dating him
1059
01:18:54,251 --> 01:18:56,383
that if you were to leave me,
I would be fine.
1060
01:18:56,427 --> 01:19:00,170
I have a community of people
who love me, I am connected,
1061
01:19:00,213 --> 01:19:01,867
he's not the reason
I am happy.
1062
01:19:01,911 --> 01:19:05,131
He hasn't fixed my life,
he hasn't changed my world.
1063
01:19:05,175 --> 01:19:08,656
That-- that came
before he got here.
All that was already there.
1064
01:19:08,700 --> 01:19:11,137
So when he showed up,
I was like, "Cool,
I'm ready for this."
1065
01:19:11,181 --> 01:19:13,618
And if he has to go
or if life changes,
1066
01:19:13,661 --> 01:19:16,403
I mean, I don't have
to control his love for me.
1067
01:19:16,447 --> 01:19:20,146
He can do whatever he
needs to do and I'm okay,
I feel safe.
1068
01:19:20,190 --> 01:19:23,019
And most of what we do
on a daily basis
with each other
1069
01:19:23,062 --> 01:19:29,068
is just goofy and fun
and it just makes time pass
in a more delightful way.
1070
01:20:11,589 --> 01:20:14,548
Navigating New York City
as a young person
1071
01:20:14,592 --> 01:20:16,942
who doesn't have
people here is hard.
1072
01:20:16,986 --> 01:20:20,511
And one of the best things
about getting sober
1073
01:20:20,554 --> 01:20:22,165
is now I feel
like I have people
1074
01:20:22,208 --> 01:20:24,950
and like if--
if shit hits the fan
or I don't have money,
1075
01:20:24,994 --> 01:20:27,910
like, or any-- any of that
stuff, you know, like I can at
least,
1076
01:20:27,953 --> 01:20:32,044
like, talk to people about it,
whereas when I was
on my own it was like--
1077
01:20:33,480 --> 01:20:35,091
it was impossible.
1078
01:20:52,848 --> 01:20:56,199
As of May 12th,
I am HIV positive.
1079
01:20:56,242 --> 01:21:01,944
Sometime between January
and a few weeks ago
I contracted HIV.
1080
01:21:01,987 --> 01:21:04,816
There you go.
It's alright, kids.
1081
01:21:08,951 --> 01:21:12,780
First or second day of May
or the last day of April
1082
01:21:12,824 --> 01:21:15,914
even in time linked up
with this guy
on one of the apps,
1083
01:21:15,958 --> 01:21:19,309
Grindr or Scruff
and went to his place.
1084
01:21:19,352 --> 01:21:25,184
Then out of nowhere
"Puff, puff, puff,"
I'm hearing this noise.
1085
01:21:25,228 --> 01:21:28,535
So they're busting ten guys,
1086
01:21:28,579 --> 01:21:31,669
full SWAT gear,
guns, gun to my head,
1087
01:21:31,712 --> 01:21:33,801
I'm butt-naked,
they cuff everybody.
1088
01:21:38,676 --> 01:21:42,288
The thing with me is I know
I can handle any situation
that I end up in.
1089
01:21:42,332 --> 01:21:45,596
If I end up in prison, I'll deal with prison, you know.
1090
01:21:47,076 --> 01:21:49,034
I'm just enjoying
this moment and that's it.
1091
01:22:06,225 --> 01:22:07,618
-Congratulations.
-Thank you.
1092
01:22:07,661 --> 01:22:08,749
-On new year.
-Thank you.
1093
01:22:08,793 --> 01:22:10,664
-Very proud of you.
-Good to see you.
1094
01:22:10,708 --> 01:22:13,189
So, tonight, is my watch.
1095
01:22:13,232 --> 01:22:18,020
What a watch is
is it's my one-year
anniversary of being sober.
1096
01:22:19,369 --> 01:22:22,328
It's my friends from recovery
1097
01:22:22,372 --> 01:22:24,635
and people
who have helped me
get to this point
1098
01:22:24,678 --> 01:22:28,030
all come out,
just chill till midnight
1099
01:22:28,073 --> 01:22:32,164
and then that's when I'll, like,
really officially have
a year and we'll celebrate.
1100
01:22:36,429 --> 01:22:38,910
And I've been struggling
for a long time,
1101
01:22:38,954 --> 01:22:42,174
so this is kind
of a big deal for me
and for my friends.
1102
01:22:47,527 --> 01:22:50,182
I am really happy
that my friend Jimmie
1103
01:22:50,226 --> 01:22:53,055
has like the exact same day
count as me coincidentally,
1104
01:22:53,098 --> 01:22:56,536
so we get to have a mutual watch and celebrate together,
1105
01:22:56,580 --> 01:23:02,542
sort of takes the edge off and,
you know, it's just like
more fun that way.
1106
01:23:02,586 --> 01:23:04,066
You missed him.
1107
01:23:05,937 --> 01:23:07,547
This is
a big milestone for me.
1108
01:23:07,591 --> 01:23:10,681
And everyone
is asking me how-- how--
1109
01:23:10,724 --> 01:23:13,727
how do I feel, am I excited?
1110
01:23:13,771 --> 01:23:17,383
And I just honestly I
think people are more excited
for me than I am.
1111
01:23:17,427 --> 01:23:21,387
But, like, it is--
there's something about it
1112
01:23:21,431 --> 01:23:23,302
that seems to come full circle.
1113
01:23:23,346 --> 01:23:26,479
There's something about
it that it really is--
1114
01:23:26,523 --> 01:23:32,268
it's kind of beautiful and it's
really just such a great show
of love and family.
1115
01:23:32,311 --> 01:23:35,053
You may have
like what I want--
1116
01:23:35,097 --> 01:23:37,447
what I was looking for
in the first place.
1117
01:23:37,490 --> 01:23:38,752
Yeah.
1118
01:23:38,796 --> 01:23:40,232
You know, which was
really just community so.
1119
01:23:55,334 --> 01:23:58,424
My sponsor, Michael,
has really helped me
1120
01:23:58,468 --> 01:24:02,167
get to this point just
by believing in me.
1121
01:24:02,211 --> 01:24:06,302
It's nice to have somebody
believe in you when you
can't believe in yourself,
1122
01:24:06,345 --> 01:24:09,000
and Michael was
that for me, so.
1123
01:24:09,044 --> 01:24:10,784
And I think that that's
what we come here for
1124
01:24:10,828 --> 01:24:13,613
is to come from a place
of isolation and desolation
1125
01:24:13,657 --> 01:24:17,095
to make connections
and to become these, like,
wonderful shining men, you know.
1126
01:24:17,139 --> 01:24:20,664
So I'm really appreciative
of you getting a year.
1127
01:24:20,707 --> 01:24:23,710
And I remember
when I met you, you know,
1128
01:24:23,754 --> 01:24:25,973
we were walking to like
the D-Train or something
1129
01:24:26,017 --> 01:24:29,194
and you were talking
about your life and you
told me "I don't have friends,"
1130
01:24:29,238 --> 01:24:34,417
like I just have me,
my video games, my art,
you know, and drugs.
1131
01:24:34,460 --> 01:24:37,246
And-- and I remember
being just so struck
1132
01:24:37,289 --> 01:24:40,553
because someone
so vibrant and so smart
and so handsome
1133
01:24:40,597 --> 01:24:44,122
and so able would have--
not have anybody in his life.
1134
01:24:44,166 --> 01:24:47,691
And now, like you see
tonight people really,
1135
01:24:47,734 --> 01:24:49,867
really are inspired
by you and care about you.
1136
01:24:49,910 --> 01:24:53,827
And-- and what a shift,
what a shift.
1137
01:24:53,871 --> 01:24:57,831
So, congratulations and--
to you both and thank you.
1138
01:24:57,875 --> 01:25:02,532
Having a support like this,
all-- all of this
is kind of overwhelming.
1139
01:25:02,575 --> 01:25:05,404
You know, hopefully this is
only gonna happen once.
1140
01:25:05,448 --> 01:25:10,279
And, Jimmie,
I just want to say that,
you know, there's--
1141
01:25:11,802 --> 01:25:15,066
it's really cool
that we got to do this together
1142
01:25:15,110 --> 01:25:17,503
and as, you know,
we came in around the same time
1143
01:25:17,547 --> 01:25:19,114
and we both been relapsing.
1144
01:25:20,158 --> 01:25:22,378
I don't know,
it's just-- there's no--
1145
01:25:22,421 --> 01:25:26,295
no one I'd rather
share a watch with.
So, congratulations.
1146
01:25:32,518 --> 01:25:36,392
Here it is! I didn't think
I'd really hit this point ever.
1147
01:25:36,435 --> 01:25:40,004
I didn't think I know what this
would even feel like.
1148
01:25:40,047 --> 01:25:42,311
Like,
it's been two years of this,
1149
01:25:42,354 --> 01:25:45,183
of learning lessons
and relapsing
1150
01:25:45,227 --> 01:25:49,056
and going for long stretch
of time of sobriety and,
1151
01:25:49,100 --> 01:25:52,059
you know,
getting kicked in the face.
1152
01:25:52,103 --> 01:25:55,976
So it's really
just a privilege to be here
1153
01:25:56,020 --> 01:25:57,978
because not everyone
gets to do it.
1154
01:25:58,022 --> 01:26:01,808
I know everybody says
that but, like, I understand
it's really true now.
1155
01:26:08,250 --> 01:26:10,077
- You made it!
- Congrats, guys!
1156
01:26:10,121 --> 01:26:12,602
Alright, now-- You guys
can have sex now.
1157
01:26:12,645 --> 01:26:13,820
Whoo!
1158
01:26:15,300 --> 01:26:17,215
Been waiting for two years.
1159
01:26:18,085 --> 01:26:21,828
Like, I am still very much
a crystal meth addict.
1160
01:26:24,309 --> 01:26:28,705
I could go-- I could--
I could go out tomorrow,
you know, or tonight even.
1161
01:26:31,229 --> 01:26:34,624
I don't want to,
but that doesn't mean
it couldn't happen
1162
01:26:34,667 --> 01:26:36,669
and I've just got to be careful.
1163
01:26:36,713 --> 01:26:38,454
Just because
I have a year sober,
1164
01:26:38,497 --> 01:26:41,544
it doesn't mean
I'm gonna be like totally
out of the woods, so.
1165
01:26:55,210 --> 01:26:57,951
This is not
just a gay problem it's a problem for our whole society
1166
01:26:57,995 --> 01:27:00,824
that we really need
to start to think about it
and address.
1167
01:27:01,477 --> 01:27:05,524
And the first step
really comes from someone
trying to identify
1168
01:27:05,568 --> 01:27:09,006
with what they
might have in common
with that gay meth user
1169
01:27:09,049 --> 01:27:11,269
as opposed to just simply
judging them and saying,
1170
01:27:11,313 --> 01:27:14,881
"Well, that's not me. That would never be me. Why don't they
just get it together?"
1171
01:27:15,621 --> 01:27:17,623
What are the similarities here
and what--
1172
01:27:17,667 --> 01:27:21,279
what vulnerabilities
might I share that I
see in another person
1173
01:27:21,323 --> 01:27:24,978
and what solutions have they
discovered that might be
relevant to me?
1174
01:27:26,676 --> 01:27:31,028
In much the same way that we saw
the-- the first traces
of the problem emerge here,
1175
01:27:31,071 --> 01:27:33,248
I think we're starting
to see the first traces
1176
01:27:33,291 --> 01:27:35,250
of a solution
emerge here as well.
105685
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