All language subtitles for The.Ranch.S03E06.WEB.x264-METCON

[Colt] Is she in there?

[Chuck] No.

Abby!

Abby!

Abby!

[theme song playing]

There's still no word on Colt and Abby.

I know the firefighters are overwhelmed,
but why can't the police go look for them?

Last week, the sheriff's daughter

locked herself in Marie Callender's
bathroom with a cheesecake.

And they sent in a SWAT team.

I know they'd need a SWAT team

to get one of their key lime pies
out of my hands.

Now, y'all don't worry. They'll find 'em.

Oh, thank you, Dale.

Well, I got to go check on a rabbit
with smoke inhalation.

You ever seen a bunny cough?

The only thing cuter is a possum sneezing.
[chuckles]

Can I give you a hand with that?

Maggie?

I got it.

Look...

I'm sorry for getting upset earlier.

I'm worried about Colt and Abby.

I don't know what's going on
out at the ranch,

and I'm surrounded by fucking people.

I don't understand why prisoners get upset
at the idea of solitary confinement.

You know, my son is missing, too.

Look around you.
Everyone's having a shitty day.

But you know what?
You're the only one being an asshole.

Gene Stockwell
watched his truck burn down,

and he's over there making sangria.

You're right.

- I shouldn't have done it, but...
- Stop.

I don't wanna hear excuses.
I don't wanna hear why.

It's just the same thing
over and over, Beau.

You only care about yourself
and your precious ranch.

If somebody tries to help you,
you just lash out and hurt them.

So, I've had enough. I'm done.

Maggie...

You know, the reason
you're so afraid of this fire

is because if the ranch burns...
you really will have nothing.

[engine sputtering]

Fuck!

What the hell, Colt?

I felt the engine lugging
on the way up here.

Probably ash in the air-box.

Well, hurry up. We gotta find Abby.

We ain't that far from the house.
She probably just walked from here.

Oh. Well, you get the truck running,
and I'll start walking.

Oh, hey, cut through the woods.
It's faster.

It leads right to Abby's bedroom...
window, I think.

- Was that Ab?
- I don't know. Abby!

That had to be her.
Who else would be out here right now?

Is that thing fixed yet?

- Colt! Dad!
- Holy shit.

- Thank God you're safe.
- Oh, my God.

Where the hell were you?

When my truck broke down,
I walked to the house.

By the time I got there,
you and Mom were gone.

I'm just so happy you're safe.

You're about to be happier.

Hi!

- [Colt] Are you kidding me?
- [Abby] I know.

[Chuck] What the hell?

Whoa! Come on.
They've still got that new puppy smell.

Hold on. How did you get an ATV
and a basket of puppies?

When I was stuck at the house,

I remembered the Hendersons
had an ATV in their garage,

so I smashed the window and stole it.

Good call.
There's no rules in the apocalypse.

Hold up. Finish the story in the truck.

- We gotta get out of here.
- [Colt] Yeah, yeah.

We'll take the puppies and leave the ATV.

Fuck the Hendersons.

- 'Sup, Beer Pong?
- I have good news.

Well, finally.

They got the fires contained
up in Montrose,

so they're sending resources here.

So, hopefully, they can look
for Colt and Abby in a few hours.

A few hours?

That's your good news?

Thanks for getting our hopes up, dipshit.

You know what? I'm done waiting.
I'm gonna go look for 'em.

Rooster, don't be stupid.
It's too dangerous.

Yeah, and Chuck and Colt
are already out looking for Abby.

If you go look for them,

we'll have to send
someone to look for you.

And pretty soon,
it's like watching a horror film

where you're yelling, "Stop going
in the fucking basement already."

I'm going.

Rooster, stop.

- What's going on?
- I'm gonna look for Colt.

- Give me the keys to the pickup.
- Don't you dare.

- I'll go with you.
- Let's go.

Billy, shoot them both in the leg.

- I thought you were done with me.
- [Maggie] Right.

Billy, shoot Rooster in the leg.
Shoot him wherever the hell you want.

Oh, my God. Abby.

- Where were you? What happened?
- [Rooster] Jesus, man.

You scared the shit out of us.

- I am so mad at you.
- We were gonna look for you.

What happened?

All right, all right.

I'll set the scene.

So me and Chuck's driving
through the woods, right?

Like, just two brave heroes.

A couple times, he's like,
"We gotta turn around."

I'm like, "No."

And he's like, "Cool."

So we keep truckin', and there's
fire everywhere and flashing lights.

The only thing missing
was Carrie Underwood singing about

everybody ought to get ready
for a Sunday night.

Colt, nobody cares, okay?
'Cause I rescued puppies.

Hi!

Oh, sweetie.

You know what?

We gotta name these guys.

Florida, Georgia, Line.

We should get you settled.

- You must be tired.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you look terrible.

Thanks, Mom.

Colt.

You're probably pissed I went out there...

[stammers]

Thanks, Dad.

[sniffs]

Hey, Rooster.

Hey.

Oh. Shit.

We doin' this?

Ew.

Not if this fire spread across
the whole world

and killed everyone except us.

Okay. When that happens, we'll see.

[scoffs] Look, so... I saw you met Nick.

I did, yeah.

Let me ask you a question.

- Who's better looking?
- Nick.

Take your time.

Nick.

Okay, think about it and get back to me.

[scoffs] God, I can't believe
my mom's dating him again.

He always comes around with flowers,
making promises,

and it always ends with him drunk,
cheating on her, stealing her stuff.

I mean, how many times does a guy

have to buy back his own car
from a police auction?

I like buying cars from police auctions.

It's like Storage Wars.

You never know what's in the trunk.

Look, as hard as this is to believe,
I was happier when she was with you.

[clicks tongue] Well, you know.
They got history together.

I mean, he is Darlene's dad.

Allegedly.

I don't know what your relationship
with my mom is anymore, and don't tell me.

We're still fucking.

God. Okay.

Let me get to the point
before you tell me anything else.

You think you can talk to her for me?

Honestly, Heather,
you know, your mom's a big girl.

It's not really my business.

I'm just saying
I think she might listen to you.

If she listened to me,
I'd be in the janitor's closet right now.

You know... fuckin'.

Oh.

Remember when we'd sneak out of geometry
and make out here in the hallway?

Wait...

I never took geometry.

- Hey, look at your championship trophy.
- No.

No, you ain't gonna distract me...

Look at how shiny it is.

Baby Bennett,
your dad was an awesome quarterback.

And in his football pants,

his butt looked
like the cutest little blue peach.

What are you talkin' 'bout? It still does.

- A few extra squats wouldn't kill you.
- Hey!

It's called sympathy weight.
That's a real thing.

[chuckles]

- Look at that picture...
- Hmm.

...when we won state.

The star quarterback
and the head cheerleader.

Back then, your mom was a smoke show.

- Yeah, she still is. [kisses]
- [chuckles]

- I'd hit it right now.
- [chuckles]

I can't believe
they're tearing this place down.

- Hmm
- A lot of memories on that field.

Throwing five touchdowns.
Breaking all the school passing records.

[chuckles]

Won the Colorado State Player of the Year.

Our first kiss.

Yeah, I ain't done.

Getting carried off the field on the...

- [chuckles]
- [chuckles] Get out...

Our first kiss.

You tasted like Skoal and Gatorade.

- [chuckles] You mean like America?
- [chuckles]

Gosh. I don't know.

Between losing this place
and maybe our homes,

all we'll have left is memories.

It's like Garrison is slowly being erased.

Yup. But as long as we got each other,
we'll make new memories, right?

Yeah.

[both groan]

[Abby clicks tongue]

Last night, I was so scared.

I mean, I thought...
I thought I was never gonna see you again.

[both sighs]

I kept thinking
about all the little things

we worry about and fight about.

I mean, so what if you watched
the finale of Riverdale without me?

- That does not make you a little bitch.
- [chuckles]

So what if you finished my hair gel?

Or you said you'd replace it
and you still haven't?

- I replaced it.
- Yeah, with store brand.

But, hey.

[chuckles]

And all our stupid fights
about the wedding.

So what if I look like a double-wide
in my wedding dress?

Okay, when I pause, that's when you say,
"You look so beautiful."

I'm sorry. I caught a reflection
of myself in the trophy case.

[both chuckle]

I was just worried
about the stupidest stuff.

Yeah.

What people thought about me.

That I couldn't drink at the wedding.

How I was gonna look in the pictures.

I lost sight of the most important part
of our wedding...

us.

Do you know what sucks?

We're supposed to be married right now.

[sighs] I know.
I know. I wish we were.

You think it's ever gonna happen?

Come on. Of course it is.

I don't know. I think the universe
is just conspiring against us.

No. You've said stuff like that before.

Things are awesome.

We're together. We're in love.

- There's a baby on the way.
- [chuckles]

Somehow, as I get older,
my hair keeps getting thicker.

- Yeah, thanks to my store brand.
- [chuckles]

I mean, if we were meant to be,
would it really be this hard?

We were about to get married
at the courthouse,

- and there was a fucking wildfire, Colt.
- [grunts]

A wildfire!

You know what?
I don't care how hard it is.

There is nothing in this whole wide world
that will ever stop me from loving you.

Soon as this is over, we'll go
to the courthouse and get married.

Yeah, that's if the courthouse
isn't burnt down.

Come on. The courthouse is gonna be there.

We're getting married.

Are we?

I promise.

If the courthouse burns down,

does that mean
all the criminal records disappear?

[laughs]

Should we be burning down
the courthouse right now?

Probably. [chuckles]

Hey, Rooster, what's going on?

I don't know. Just had a dip. [groans]

Ate some lunch.

- Sold some kids some fake weed.
- [Mary laughs]

Man, it's like I'm
really back in high school.

[laughs]

So, where's that dude, Nick?

He went to check out the weight room.

He's used to working out
between 1:00 and 1:30.

So, what's up with that guy?

What do you mean?

Well, you know how when we
used to watch The Bachelorette,

we'd go nuts every time that Ashley
would give that tool Josh K a rose?

Well, Nick kind of seems like Josh K,
you know?

Except, like, not even a party planner.

No, I... I told you, he's changed.

We've been back together
for almost five months.

Not once has he said,
"Oh, quick, there's a cop. Swallow this."

Sometimes people pretend to be things
they're not to get a girl, you know?

Like, I joined a cult once
for two weeks for this blonde.

Then I found out all the girls
are married to the leader.

Then I spent two weeks
trying to form a cult.

[laughs]

Just sayin', you know,
I feel like you could do better.

Now I see. And better is you.

- Your words.
- [chuckles]

I'm just looking out for you.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, if I had to describe you
in two words,

I would definitely say "good Samaritan."

I mean, I'd say, "redneck Wolverine."

But, you know, it's not about me.

I just don't know
that Nick's a good guy, and I...

I think you deserve to be treated right.

I can take care of myself.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

All right.

Well, don't bring him
by the Wendy's drive-through.

That's our spot.

- See ya.
- All right.

Wait. I got a crazy idea.
I need your help with something.

- Ski mask or no ski mask?
- No ski mask.

Bummer. All right, I'm in.

Okay, if you're gonna blindfold me,
you've gotta call out the stairs.

Well, I caught you. The second time.
[chuckles]

What is goin' on?

You made me get dressed up,
put a blindfold on me.

If I take this thing off
and we are at Medieval Times again,

I am going to be pissed.

- Don't worry, my lady.
- Oh, no.

- All right.
- [sighs]

Tonight, I'm gonna prove to you
that the universe is on our side.

[chuckles]

[Abby stammers and chuckles]

What...

Wait, what is going on? [chuckles]

We're getting married.

What?

I don't wanna live another day in my life
without you being my wife.

I love you, Abby.

I know sometimes it seems
this whole world's up against us.

[chuckles]

But as long as we're together,
we'll make it through anything.

We're a team.

And our team is greater
than some of the parts.

What? "Some of the parts"?

Yeah.

It's a phrase.

The point is...

the only thing that's stopping us
from getting married right now

is you saying no.

You know what I say?

Tonight, the universe is not against us.

Tonight, the universe is our bitch!

- We're getting married?
- [laughs] Yeah!

- We're getting married!
- Fuck yeah!

Oh, good.

A little hint of what
our grandkid's first word will be.

[chuckles] You guys were in on this, too?

Well, it's not what we planned,

but we did want some place outdoors
where we could seat a lot of people.

Sweetheart, I've dreamed about this moment
since the day you were born.

And I'm so proud to see you and Colt start
the next great chapter of your lives.

I love you so much,

and I'm...

What the fuck is Maggie doing up there?

Uh, Father McGinty is
on his annual mission in Nevada.

He gives one sermon

and spends the rest of the week
playing pai gow.

But don't worry.

My mom got ordained online
so she could marry her two male friends.

We should give her number to Uncle Gary.

Okay, well, I better get up there, so...

Mrs. Phillips, would you care for a ride?

- Oh, I didn't realize it was a muscle car.
- [chuckles]

[chuckles]

[exhales] My baby girl.

You look so beautiful.

Thank you, Dad. You look very handsome.

And your mom didn't want me
to save this tie from the fire.

Oh.

Seeing your child look this happy...

There's no greater feeling in the world.

I love you, toots.

I love you.

Shall we?

- You know, it's not too late to run.
- [laughs]

[wedding march playing]

Well, welcome, everyone.

Thanks for joining us
on this football field, where...

The home of so many great triumphs.

None as good as the one
we're celebrating tonight, though.

Except maybe the '98 championship.

MVP in the house!

[men cheering]

Colt, you have the world's biggest heart.

And so I'm thrilled you've found
someone to give it to.

Abby, I've always thought of you
as a daughter.

So I'm not just marrying Colt to Abby.
I'm marrying my son to my daughter.

- Mom.
- Oh, that's bad.

I'm... That's...

Uh, but before the ceremony,
Rooster wants to say something, right?

Mind if I say a few words first?

Well, I'd be surprised if you said
more than a few, but go ahead.

First of all, thanks to anyone
for helping to make this thing happen.

And a special thanks
to all the firefighters

who are risking it all for the rest of us.

I said this to my wife
on the day I proposed.

"I love you so very much.

I don't even mind that life
made me wait so long to find you.

The waiting only made
the finding sweeter."

That was one of the great poets
of our time...

Ronald Reagan.

- Beau's one true love.
- [chuckles]

That woman right there
is the best friend you'll ever have.

Make sure she always knows

how grateful you are
to have her in your life.

Well, Abby...

I've seen Colt without you
and I've seen Colt with you.

And it ain't even close.

And if my baby brother is about to make

the biggest mistake
a man can make in life,

I'm glad it's with you.

Now I'm gonna read from the holy book...

of Sam Hunt. [clears throat]

"Got hips like honey,
so thick and so sweet.

It ain't no curves like hers

on them downtown streets."

All right, all right, okay.
Now we'll let the bride and groom speak.

Abby?

Wow. Okay. Where do I start? [sighs]

Colt...

[sighs] with you,
nothing ever goes as planned...

[both laugh]

as evidence to the fact
that I'm standing here pregnant,

getting married on a football field.

Mustangs!

[guests clamoring]

- Damn straight.
- [indistinct chatter]

I can't believe how lucky...

I was to be able to grow up with you.

[sniffles]

And how lucky I am
to get to grow old with you.

And no matter what life throws at us...

[sighs] we're gonna get
through it together...

'cause we're a team, Bennett.

And we're better than...

[chuckles] some of the parts.

That's true.

I love you.

[chuckles] I should have gone first. Uh...

Since the moment I met you,

I knew...

someday...

you'd be my wife.

And even when we weren't together...

I spent every day trying to find a way
to get back home to you.

I love you.

[mouths] I love you.

And I think everyone here would agree
that you make me a better person.

- Oh, way better.
- Kind of an asshole.

[chuckling] All right. Okay.

You're not just my better half.

You're the better 75% to my...

the rest of it.

[laughs]

I love you, Abby.

[softly] I love you.

All right. Colt Bennett,

do you take Abby Phillips to be your wife?

I sure do.

And, Abby Phillips,

do you take Colt Bennett
to be your husband?

I sure do.

- [both chuckle]
- Got it.

Well, what are you waiting for?
Kiss already.

[cheering]

Still taste like Skoal and Gatorade.

- 'Cause it's country strong.
- [laughs]

By the power vested in me
by the e-church of the US Virgin Islands,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

[cheering]

[gun firing]

[cheering]

Dude, I told you.
Stop firing your gun in the air.

Dude, I keep telling you.
It's not my gun.

Damn it!

- [chuckles] Oh, yeah. Hi.
- Hey, guys.

Thanks for being here.

I mean, your other option
was dying in a fire, so...

- [both chuckle]
- No, it was fun.

We played a drinking game.
We drank every time you teared up.

Yeah, I'm kind of surprised
we're still standing.

I mean, who cries during the kiss?

Later, we're doing
a version of the bouquet toss

where whoever catches it
doesn't have to date Rooster.

Where were you last year?

[all laugh]

- Congratulations.
- [Abby] Thank you.

[Colt] Thanks for coming.

You said you had a shit-ton of music.
Where's the rest of it?

Just put on "Dale's Club Jams Volume Six."

You'll thank me later.

Hey, man.

Hey. 'Sup, dude?

- That was a nice wedding.
- Yeah, it was pretty good.

Although, you know, no bachelor party,
no drunken bridesmaids to hit on.

Whatever. I'll hit on whatever chick
catches the bouquet later.

So, listen.

- I know you and Mary had a thing.
- [chuckles] So what happened?

She yell out "Oh, Rooster!" by accident?

Good one.

It's cool you guys
still have a good relationship,

but just a heads-up,

you ever go near her again
and I'll fucking kill you.

[chuckles] But, hey. Congrats again, man.

Yeah, that's right. Walk away.

- Thank you. Thanks.
- [both laughing]

Mom, where did you get the bottle of wine?

It turns out I told your mom
to pack up all her valuables.

She packed a box full of wine.

I only saved the things
I have an emotional connection with.

[chuckles] Thank you guys
so much for all your help.

Watching you...

- walk your daughter down the aisle was...
- [chuckles]

Where's Mary?
She's gonna be drinking again.

[all laugh]

Listen, Colt, when all of this is over,

maybe it'd be a good time to revisit
the idea of me investing in your ranch.

Oh, my God! That's so generous.
Thank you, Dad.

Uh, yeah, well, I appreciate that, sir.

Actually, it's a little too generous.
I think we're doing okay.

Oh, come on. It's probably something
I should have done already.

Oh, hey, Hank, now's a good time
for you to meet Abby's parents.

Not now. I'm busy.

That was pretty nice,
what you said at the wedding.

I'm not sure one speech makes up
for 30 years of being an asshole.

Beau, you're 72 years old.

I'll give you the first two years.

It was a messed-up road getting here,
but there it is,

- next generation of Bennetts.
- Yep.

I heard on the scanner, the helicopters
are making water drops out by the ranch.

- Jesus. Do the boys know?
- No.

And I don't want 'em to.

Nothing we can do about it now.

Why ruin this?

Yeah, you're right. Give everyone tonight.

Everything will be all right, Mags.

- How do you know?
- I don't.

But you know me.
I always look on the bright side.

[country music playing]