All language subtitles for Corner.Gas.Animated.S01E04.Bait & Click.HDTV-aAF

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

Hey, what was the name
of that actor

that played the dad
in the movie "Nebraska"?

Bob Hope.

No, Bob Hope was in "Bad Santa."

Darn it! I see his face...

Well, he's predominantly
known as a character actor

- who most recently...
- Bruce Dern!

Bruce Dern!
That's it.

Man, what did people do
before smartphones?

I'll tell you what they did.
They asked me.

I've always been the wellspring
of knowledge in Dog River,

as far back as I can remember.

You know, the game of
tetherball was invented in 1895,

but a similar activity existed
in the ninth century,

when barbarians would tie
an enemy's head to a pole and...

- oof!
- You okay?

Hard to say.
The symptoms of concussion vary

from individual to individual.
Recent reports show...

I didn't mind the Internet

when it was cat videos
and graphic porn,

but now it's cramping my style.

If you want to compete
with the Internet,

you have to sass it up
like the Internet.

What, like those stupid
lists that suck people in?

"6 ways blueberries
improve your libido"?

- Nobody falls for...
- What? Blueberries improve your libido?

I'm... asking for a friend...
Mr. Johnson...

- if you know what I...
- Ugh, we know!

Yeah, we get it.

♪ You think there's not
a lot going on ♪

♪ Look closer, baby ♪

♪ You're so wrong ♪

1x04 - Bait & Click

- Hey, where's your live bait?
- I don't sell live bait.

Yeah, I don't take
down signs either.

You need a ladder, and it
becomes a whole big thing.

What the hell do you mean,
you don't sell live bait?

- It's gross.
- Buying live bait

at the local gas station
is an age-old tradition.

Well. A lot of age-old
traditions are gross.

Did you know barbarians would
tie the head of an enemy to a pole

and play tetherball with it?

Where the hell did you get that?!

Probably read it on the Internet.

Okay, reach for it.

- Go on. Do it.
- No way, you'll shoot me.

I'm going to shoot him if he
makes us explain this again.

Hank, you agreed to help us

with this armed robbery
training exercise.

But how is it armed robbery
when I don't have a gun?

Secondly, shouldn't I
be wearing a mask?

- We all know you're the thief.
- If I was a thief,

why would I stand here
in plain sight?

Just take the stupid money.

Why would I put my
life on the line robbing

- some crappy bar?
- Hey!

Can I at least taze him?

- Okay, who?
- "Who" what?

You sent me a text saying
"You'll never guess

who was banned from the bar.

- Only Wanda knows for sure."
- Oh, did I?

Well, it seems
last Thursday night,

after one or five too
many beers, a certain...

I got a text saying, "There's only one
time to talk to your kid about sex."

Then it says...
"What Wanda knows will shock you."

Well, "shock" may be a bit strong,

- but sexologists agree...
- Can I talk to you for a second?

Let me guess, you're jacked up

about my "5 Hottest
Bachelors in Dog River" piece.

Okay, Number 5 is tricky
'cause he's married,

but there's trouble in paradise.

I don't give a flying
click about bachelors.

I mean, tell me later,
but since your blueberry comment,

I've sold out
of blueberry muffins and pie.

- So do one about potatoes.
- What? Why?

I screwed up the order, and
I have way too many potatoes.

♪ You're my sweet potato
You're my hot tomato ♪

♪ Gonna be cooking tonight ♪

Well, I don't know
that a few words from me

is going to generate
that much interest.

Okay, what are the seven signs
your husband is cheating?

Bachelor Number 5.

- Yeowch!
- What are you doing?

I'm not giving someone a heart attack.
What are you doing?

I'm watching my dad put
what appears to be

a bucket of squid guts
in my dairy cooler.

If you're not selling live bait,

you're leaving money on the table.

I'm also not leaving
snail sludge on the butter.

Snails go good with butter!

Even the French know that.

I don't like this.
I'm no criminal.

Okay.
Pretend you're a good guy

who was wrongly accused
of something bad.

Now you're on the lam until
you can prove your innocence.

Yeah, and you just need
a few bucks to get by,

so you're going to rob

- this crappy old bar...
- Hey!

You'll pay them back
after you clear your name.

Like Jason Steele
in "Renegade Patriot."

Yeah, sure, go with that.
Now reach for the till.

But if I'm Jason Steele,
a highly trained covert operative,

why would I reach for the money

when two cops
are looking right at me?

He's doing it again.

And why is there a huge
fruit bat on the ceiling?

- Aah! My eyes!
- My eggs!

Oh, my God...

You said "Number
six would blow my mind."

It barely raised my eyebrows.

It was the 10 Weirdest
Ice Cream Flavours.

They can't all be winners.

I'm pumping these out
hand over fist, Helen!

Okay, what's the potato angle?

I don't have a potato angle.
I'm not in this to push product.

- I'm about truth.
- Please. You're about trivia.

Really?
You think I can't do a story

that has substance and merit?

- Can it be the merit of potatoes?
- No.

Come on, help me out here!

So is the competition
hurting your sales at all?

What competition?

I think that's a spelling mistake.

The real mistake
was not putting him in a home.

Here's a couple of menus, but
we do have four lunch specials.

Number three will make
your mouth water.

- So... the other ones are dry?
- No, I was just...

If three of the four are dry,
that doesn't sound very special.

I don't know how it
could have gone so wrong.

Mistakes were made.
We got sloppy.

We need to find him fast,

or this will embarrass
the whole department.

No one can ever know about this.

Oh, yes, they can.

Oh, hey, Dad.
What's new?

Open up any hastily constructed
kiosks in a ditch lately?

Tough noogies, buddy boy.

You had your chance to
corner the live bait market,

and you blew it.

Now ring these up.

10 bags of chips
and a dozen cans of pop.

You on a health kick?
Or shall I assume

you'll be selling me
that your fishgut stand?

At a discount, too...

- to draw customers away from you.
- I see.

So you're paying retail
to buy my stuff

to keep people
from buying my stuff.

And there's nothing
you can do about it.

Yep, I'm really taking it
in the teeth here.

Ah, well. I live, I learn.

- Hey.
- Hi, Emma.

I overheard some people saying that

- three of your four lunch specials are poison.
- They're just dry.

And they're not dry, it was... ugh...

I was luring people
with leading statements.

Well, you shouldn't need tricks.
Good cooking sells itself.

Good cooking?
You mean like my...

delicious potato latkes?

The mystery ingredient will
have you shaking your head.

I meant more
like my potato gratin.

No head-shaking,
just good cooking.

Mystery latkes, or yummy gratin?
They both sound good.

You get one, I'll get the other,

- and we'll see which is better.
- Coming right up.

I have a proposition for you.

He's not at the Ruby.
He's not at Corner Gas.

He's not at the Foo Mart.
We've checked everywhere.

- We haven't checked his house.
- Put it on the list.

- What list? Whose house?
- No list. What house?

Come on.
What's going on?

- Who are you looking for?
- Why are you so nosy?

The citizens of Dog River
have a right to know

what their police state is up to.

What do you mean, "up to"?

Why so defensive, Karen?
And...

- why do you smell like pickled eggs?
- Get her off me!

- Wanda, you need to back off.
- Why's that?

And why is there a drink
coaster in your shirt pocket?

No reason.

You never know
when you're going to have

a cool drink on a hot day...
beside an antique table.

I think I have all I need here.

You two have a good day,
but don't leave town.

Hey, that's our thing.

Anything out of
the ordinary happen lately?

Hank saw a fruit bat...
so he says.

- Anything else?
- Not really...

although he did go nuts,
throw stuff around,

grab money from my till
and jump out the window.

Only took the fives, though.
Idiot.

Hank stole from you?
So you called the cops.

Karen and Davis were in on it.

- This is unbelievable!
- I know.

Fruit bats only live in
tropical countries. Idiot.

Okay, another set of orders
for our potato poll.

Don't forget to cast your vote
for which one you like better.

This is working great.
It's like an Internet poll.

- People can't resist.
- It's kind of fun.

The Internet just might catch on.

And who cares
whose dish even wins?

If it's 60-40 for you
or 60-40 for me, in the end,

I've moved a ton of potatoes, right?

- Emma?
- What the hell is that about?

What's the big idea,
sitting your father out

- in the ditch like that?
- It wasn't my idea.

It's a stupid idea,
so guess whose idea.

I don't care.
He can't be out there

in the sun and the wind, with
the exhaust and the fumes,

and you know it's only
a matter of time

until he gets run over and killed.

He'll never let me hear
the end of that.

Well, what do you want
me to do about it?

Fox is in the henhouse now,
hey, jackass?

Yeah, great.

Hey, you want to hang a couple
air fresheners around your neck?

You smell
like a dashboard crab cake.

Smells like money to me.

Are you sure you got enough
chips over there?

Maybe not. Ring me up
another half-dozen bags.

All righty, and you know I'm
going to have to charge you

a small rental fee
for being in here.

I think
I can afford your dinky rent,

with me having
a town-wide monopoly on bait.

Yeah, you better start dreaming
up names for your yacht.

Was Hank in here a while ago

buying things with
a bunch of fives?

Yeah...
how'd you know that?

Hank came into some money
recently,

and since he never has any, he'd
probably be itching to spend it.

There's only a handful of
places in town to buy anything.

This one is near the bar,
and Hank's lazy.

Whoa, you're good.

Ah, it's basic
investigative journalism,

but yes, I'm very good.

Anyhoo, did Hank buy
anything unusual?

No, not really.
Some candy, comic books,

- 30 feet of chain...
- Hang on.

Did he want the chain
all in one strip,

- or did he have you break it up?
- Broken up.

Two 10-foot lengths
and a bunch of shorter lengths.

- How did you know that?
- Oh, Won...

keep selling groceries and
leave the problem-solving to me.

You have to pull.

I was... checking the
hinges for... shut up.

Dents in the wall.
Furniture askew.

Must've been a struggle.

Nope.
This is how Hank lives.

His struggle is hygiene.

Why did we use Hank
in the first place?

We should've used Helen,
like last year.

So you want me
to steal this car?

- Yeah, just open the door.
- Freeze!

Oh, my bladder...

- She said she was busy this year.
- I've got a hunch

Hank's freak-out
may have been influenced

by his love of action movies.

Hey, Renegade Patriot.
All right!

That's the one Hank mentioned.

There's just one thing to do...

Whoa! I haven't heard
a joint snap like that

- since Wing Night.
- Shh. Steele just found the office

of the corrupt police chief.

Knock knock.
Anybody home?

You know, if Hank's acting out
what he saw in this movie,

he might break into our office
and steal something.

Don't be ridiculous.

Hang on, Karen.
I'm getting a call from the police.

- Hello?
- Knock knock.

Anybody home?

Uh-oh. It's Hank.

- How'd he know we were here?
- Wait a minute.

You better not be where
my phone tells me you are.

You mean, in your office,
touching all your stuff?

Are you fiddling with my pens?
I hear pen fiddling!

You better not mess with my chair.

Up, down.

- Up, down.
- You sick bastard.

Hank, it's not too late
to make this all go away.

There's a key in my drawer.

Go lock yourself
in the holding cell.

No one puts Yarbo in a cage.

I'm outta here,
but first I'm going to...

take a file!

Yes! Called it!

Now you'll pay for kidnapping
the senator's daughter.

The cops kidnapped the daughter?
Spoiler alert!

You won't get away with this.

That's what you think.

Argh!
We've got to go after him.

Or... we finish
the rest of the movie

so we'll know
what he's going to do next.

Hank's not going to do
everything Jason Steele does.

Now you'll pay

for kidnapping
the senator's daughter.

Go make popcorn.

Wow. I didn't think
our little competition

- would sell so many specials.
- Well...

- it did, so...
- Let me help count the votes.

I'm done.
This pile is yours...

and these two are mine.

This giant, huge stack
is all my potato gratins?

Okay, yes,
you got 98% of the vote,

but the real goal
was to move some potatoes,

and we did it...
together.

This handwriting looks familiar.

- Did you vote for yourself?
- No!

- Maybe once.
- Hey, everyone!

Guess whose potato dish
won by a landslide?

The results will make
your jaw explode!

He said he took a file.
Hard to say which one.

We have to find him.
Jason Steele had a hideout.

If Hank was a spy,
where would he go?

I don't know, but until
he found someplace to hide,

he'd hide out in the treehouse
that him and Brent built.

So what you're saying is,

he'd hide out at their hideout
until he found a hideout.

Don't make things
complicated, Karen.

A golden helicopter?

That is one rich duck.

Dammit.
They're onto me.

Come with me
if you want to leave.

Karen and Davis
are going to kill me?

Not "live,"
"leave," you knob.

How long's it been
since you've eaten?

- Almost an hour.
- Right. I forgot you eat

like a hammered Hasselhoff
in a hallway.

Cut the chit-chat.
How'd you find me?

I heard
you bought some chain,
and it reminded me

of a little something
you said to Brent last week...

I think I'm going
to buy some chain,

make a chain-link ladder...

you know... for our tree house.

From that vague nugget, I was
able to deduce your whereabouts.

Oh, you're like Batman.

All right, now you have me,
what do you want?

Your side of the story.

How do I know
you won't betray me?

I'd never reveal my source.

I'm your Woodward
and Bernstein.

Oh, I love those bear books!
Which one's Woodward?

Just give me something juicy.

Fine, but all I got is whatever this is.

I haven't read it yet.
I'm not done with my comic.

- Oh-oh, this is huge!
- You want to see huge?

Check out this
duck's swimming pool.

- Live bait?
- God, no.

Well, buy something
or scram, Browsy-Pants!

You're blocking my stand.

Dad, why don't you take
the rest of the day off?

- I've earned it.
- I've got a bait business to run.

I'll watch your stink shack
for you.

- You couldn't handle it.
- Sure I can,

and I'll even sell your snacks
from the main counter,

and I'll only charge you
a 10% service fee.

10%? While I'm sitting
at home with my feet up?

Well, if you think that's a
good deal, who am I to argue?

- Refill your coffee?
- I-I'm drinking tea.

Oh, whoops.
Sorry!

I have been a little distracted

over this
potato competition thing.

Well... I voted for Emma's,
but just so you know,

- I liked your latkes better.
- You did?

Then why did you vote
for Emma's?

- How's my potato gratin?
- Mm, it's a little too, uh...

- A little too what?
- Perfect... not to vote for.

But swear on your mother's
life you won't tell Emma.

Ah, your secret's safe with me.
How's the pie?

- Uh, it's a little too, uh...
- A little too what?!

- It's good!
- Geez, that is effective.

As a legitimate journalist, I'm
reaching out to you for comment

on the massive exposé
I'm about to write.

How can I comment about a story
that hasn't even been written?

That's how it's going to be, is it?

How can I know how it's going to
be when it hasn't even been yet?

You wouldn't be so smug
and/or stupid

if you knew my story was about
a certain top-secret file...

a top-secret "green file."

- What's wrong?
- Nothing. I choked on a noodle.

A coffee noodle?

- Hank took the green file?
- Uh-uh-uh,

I would never divulge
my source, but yes.

Forget that file. I have a
deeper, darker story for you.

Wanda? You here?

Make it quick.

- What have you got?
- Okay, but you promised...

I give you this,
and the green file is mine,

and you forget you ever saw it.

Sweet Maggie Gyllenhaal,
this really happened?!

Okay, flatfoot,
you got yourself a deal.

Clack, clack, clack!
I chose egg salad

because it's the quietest
of all the sandwiches,

and here you are, hammering
away on your clackulator.

Let me see
if I've got this straight.

You bought chips and pop at
retail and sold them wholesale.

You're paying rent to have your
bait shack inside the gas station

and you're paying Brent
10% of your sales

so you can sit at home
and eat a sandwich.

And to top it all off,

he thinks he's doing me a favour! Ha!

- That's your bottom line.
- Looks about right.

Why's it in red?

It's an intriguing story,

but I have
a lot of unanswered questions.

Everyone will, and they
won't find the answers

- on their stupid phones.
- Hey, Wanda.

Who's this mysterious Mr. Y?

Are we safe in a town with cops
who can't catch a fake criminal?

- Is improv a crime?
- Glad you came to see me, fellas.

Well, it seems on the
night in question...

What kind of a stunt
are you trying to pull,

letting your own father

sell live bait in your store
for zero profit?!

Sorry, Dad, but you ripped yourself off.

I just happened to be there
to soak up the cash

you were hemorrhaging out
of every gaping bad decision.

You crook!
Your own father!

Oscar, we got
a bunch of complaints

about your bait shack...
mostly that the live bait is dead...

plus a few reports of real worms
being mistaken for gummy ones.

Ah. You see?
This is exactly... yech.

You'll have to pay a hefty fine,

and I'm revoking your
fish-bait license.

Well, the joke's on you,
Fitzy-Boy,

because I don't have
a fish-bait license.

Brent's the one who's been
selling the bait for me,

- right here in Corner Gas.
- Is that true, Brent?

I guess, technically,
in a superficial sort of...

reality-based, autobiographical...

- yeah, it's true.
- Hm. Your business, your fine.

Well, there goes
all my scamming profits.

- Your own father.
- Yeah, so you said!

Admit it.

You're the "anonymous police
informant," aren't you?

- Of course not.
- Who else would know that...

"Local police wasted valuable time
trying to figure out

the suspect's microwave while
attempting to make popcorn"?

Can't believe you didn't know
how to work a microwave.

There's a popcorn
button right on it.

This undermines
everyone's confidence in us.

Not as much
as if they read this.

"The Intergalactic Adventures

of Detectives Davis Quinton
and Jar-Jar Binks."

Ew. This is bad.

Best not let that fall
into the wrong hands.

The least you could do
is tell us where Hank is

so we could bring him in
and get our dignity back.

Stuff it, piggy!
He's under my protection.

Piggy?

I said, uh... picky.

Like, you're picky about
what slang terms I can use

- for the police.
- Fine, but if we can't find Hank,

we can't pay him
for the training exercise.

Wait! I get paid?

Look, everybody!
We caught Hank.

The town is safe again.

- Yay...
- Feel safe already.

- Woo hoo!
- How much... do I get?

Aw, buck up, champ.

At least you didn't
lose a bunch of money

trying to innocently
screw over your dad.

Well, at least
you didn't lose your dignity

in a humiliating potato contest.

- One vote?
- I was only allowed to vote once.

It's called democracy, comrade.

That was you?

- You voted for me over your mom?
- Mm-hm.

Oh, that's so sweet,
and very brave.

Brave?
I'm not scared of my mom.

- So I can tell her?
- You can never tell her.

- Geez...
- No, no, you can never tell her!

All right.

sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ The same things you don't know ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ I just... don't know ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It's a great big place ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Full of nothing but space ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ It's my happy place ♪

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