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1
00:00:03,636 --> 00:00:05,203
Mail's here.
2
00:00:05,204 --> 00:00:06,537
Ah, the mail.
3
00:00:06,538 --> 00:00:09,407
What would a day on earth
be like without the mail?
4
00:00:09,408 --> 00:00:10,808
Probably a lot
like Sunday.
5
00:00:10,809 --> 00:00:12,477
Ah! Ha ha.
6
00:00:12,478 --> 00:00:13,711
"Sally Solomon,
7
00:00:13,712 --> 00:00:16,614
"you have been preapproved
for a platinum credit card.
8
00:00:16,615 --> 00:00:21,419
Only our most valued and cherished
customers qualify for platinum status."
9
00:00:21,420 --> 00:00:23,654
You guys, I qualify
for platinum status!
10
00:00:23,655 --> 00:00:25,990
So did I!
Me too!
11
00:00:25,991 --> 00:00:27,458
Hello, family.
12
00:00:27,459 --> 00:00:28,393
Hey, mail's here.
13
00:00:28,394 --> 00:00:29,895
Ah, the mail.
14
00:00:29,896 --> 00:00:33,131
What would a day on earth
be like without the mail?
15
00:00:33,132 --> 00:00:36,301
Probably a lot
like Sunday.
16
00:00:36,302 --> 00:00:38,403
You know, that's
very clever. Harry.
17
00:00:38,404 --> 00:00:39,704
Uh, wait. I said that.
18
00:00:39,705 --> 00:00:41,239
Oh, really?
19
00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:44,408
How sad.
20
00:00:44,409 --> 00:00:47,746
Oh, this one's addressed
to "Mr. Richard Solomon."
21
00:00:47,747 --> 00:00:49,080
My, how formal.
22
00:00:50,315 --> 00:00:51,582
"Dearest Richard,
23
00:00:51,583 --> 00:00:53,918
"I hope with all of my heart
that this letter finds you.
24
00:00:53,919 --> 00:00:56,621
"Too many years have gone
by. We miss you greatly.
25
00:00:56,622 --> 00:00:58,957
"Please come to the Solomon
family reunion this year.
26
00:00:58,958 --> 00:01:01,726
All of my love,
aunt Florence."
27
00:01:01,727 --> 00:01:03,094
Dick, you never
told us
28
00:01:03,095 --> 00:01:04,695
you had
an aunt Florence.
29
00:01:04,696 --> 00:01:05,897
He doesn't, you mook.
30
00:01:05,898 --> 00:01:07,031
That letter was
obviously meant
31
00:01:07,032 --> 00:01:08,566
for some other
Dick Solomon.
32
00:01:08,567 --> 00:01:10,602
Well, I'll just call up
this aunt Florence
33
00:01:10,603 --> 00:01:11,669
and set her straight.
34
00:01:11,670 --> 00:01:12,804
Great Scott!
35
00:01:13,805 --> 00:01:15,607
I've qualified for
platinum status!
36
00:01:55,915 --> 00:01:58,483
yes, hello.
Is this Florence Solomon?
37
00:01:58,484 --> 00:02:00,651
Hi, my name is Dick Solomon.
38
00:02:00,652 --> 00:02:05,990
I-I've got this, uh,
invitation to a family reunion, and I--
39
00:02:05,991 --> 00:02:08,660
well, yes, it's nice to hear
your voice, too, but--
40
00:02:10,095 --> 00:02:13,998
yes, I am as adorable
as I always was.
41
00:02:15,668 --> 00:02:17,769
Has it really been 43 years?
42
00:02:20,105 --> 00:02:22,941
Then, if I did turn up,
43
00:02:22,942 --> 00:02:25,677
you probably wouldn't even
recognize me, huh?
44
00:02:27,112 --> 00:02:28,580
That's--
45
00:02:28,581 --> 00:02:33,184
yes, it would be wonderful to see
the family again, aunt Florence.
46
00:02:33,185 --> 00:02:35,186
I love you, too.
47
00:02:35,187 --> 00:02:36,187
Yes...
48
00:02:36,188 --> 00:02:38,022
yes. Bye-bye.
49
00:02:39,692 --> 00:02:41,359
I have
an aunt Florence.
50
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:42,860
What?
51
00:02:42,861 --> 00:02:45,697
What? Oh, that was aunt Florence in Indiana.
52
00:02:45,698 --> 00:02:48,433
Since when do you have
an aunt Florence in Indiana?
53
00:02:48,434 --> 00:02:51,136
Since when do you have an
aunt Florence in Indiana?
54
00:02:51,137 --> 00:02:51,836
I don't.
55
00:02:51,837 --> 00:02:53,537
So where's the big
coincidence?
56
00:02:53,538 --> 00:02:55,840
You know, sometimes,
Nina, you make no sense.
57
00:02:55,841 --> 00:02:58,075
Are you gonna
visit her?
58
00:02:58,076 --> 00:03:00,111
We have a family reunion
this weekend.
59
00:03:00,112 --> 00:03:02,747
It sounds like it's gonna be
wonderful. You wanna come?
60
00:03:02,748 --> 00:03:04,048
Are you sure
it's all right?
61
00:03:04,049 --> 00:03:05,383
Well, of course
it's all right.
62
00:03:05,384 --> 00:03:06,584
Oh, Dick, it's family, I--
63
00:03:06,585 --> 00:03:07,718
no, don't worry,
Mary.
64
00:03:07,719 --> 00:03:09,554
I'm sure you'll find
my family
65
00:03:09,555 --> 00:03:11,289
to be warm
and nurturing.
66
00:03:11,290 --> 00:03:13,224
It won't bear
any resemblance
67
00:03:13,225 --> 00:03:16,227
to the liquor-drenched orgy
of hatred and recrimination
68
00:03:16,228 --> 00:03:18,663
that marks every
Albright get-together.
69
00:03:25,071 --> 00:03:28,306
Sally, we're not spending the
whole winter at this reunion.
70
00:03:28,307 --> 00:03:29,908
Back off, all right?
I'm not like you guys.
71
00:03:29,909 --> 00:03:32,844
I can't just throw in a
toothbrush and a pair of underwear
72
00:03:32,845 --> 00:03:34,078
and be set for the weekend.
73
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:37,515
Underwear!
74
00:03:41,053 --> 00:03:43,855
Well, is everybody ready
to go to our family reunion?
75
00:03:43,856 --> 00:03:46,590
Dick, this is not
our family.
76
00:03:46,591 --> 00:03:48,025
Yeah, what if they
start asking questions?
77
00:03:48,026 --> 00:03:49,527
Yeah. Well, that's the beauty of this.
78
00:03:49,528 --> 00:03:52,196
Aunt Florence hasn't seen
Richard since he was 5 years old.
79
00:03:52,197 --> 00:03:53,430
For all they know,
I'm him.
80
00:03:53,431 --> 00:03:54,832
Well, as a teenager,
81
00:03:54,833 --> 00:03:58,302
the idea of going to a family
reunion sickens me to my core.
82
00:03:58,303 --> 00:03:59,537
Tommy, uh...
83
00:03:59,538 --> 00:04:02,340
we've been here on earth
for almost 3 years,
84
00:04:02,341 --> 00:04:04,942
and we still lack something
that's so important to us--
85
00:04:04,943 --> 00:04:07,545
roots. A connection.
86
00:04:07,546 --> 00:04:09,481
Life here is not just about
where we're going,
87
00:04:09,482 --> 00:04:11,549
it's about where
we've come from.
88
00:04:11,550 --> 00:04:12,884
Now we'd better get
on the road.
89
00:04:12,885 --> 00:04:15,787
You know how aunt Florence
hates it when we're late.
90
00:04:22,094 --> 00:04:24,762
[Ding-dong]
91
00:04:25,564 --> 00:04:26,564
Aunt Florence?
92
00:04:26,565 --> 00:04:27,766
Yes?
93
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,099
It's me. Richard.
94
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:30,001
Richard?
95
00:04:30,002 --> 00:04:32,904
Oh, my goodness!
It is you!
96
00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:34,805
Abe! It's Richard!
97
00:04:34,806 --> 00:04:37,075
Well, I'll be
damned! Ha ha!
98
00:04:37,076 --> 00:04:39,410
Ha ha ha!
Well, welcome back!
99
00:04:39,411 --> 00:04:41,211
And who are all these
lovely people?
100
00:04:41,212 --> 00:04:45,549
Well, this is my sister,
your niece Sally.
101
00:04:45,550 --> 00:04:47,652
And this is my son,
your grandnephew Tommy.
102
00:04:47,653 --> 00:04:50,488
And this is my brother,
your nephew Harry.
103
00:04:50,489 --> 00:04:51,723
Yaah! Harry!
104
00:04:53,391 --> 00:04:56,294
And this little hottie
is my girlfriend Mary.
105
00:04:56,295 --> 00:04:58,763
Nice to meet you,
Florence.
106
00:04:58,764 --> 00:05:00,531
Richard, come greet
the family.
107
00:05:00,532 --> 00:05:02,166
They can't wait
to see you.
108
00:05:02,167 --> 00:05:04,369
Oh, I can't wait
to see them.
109
00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:07,772
Uh, well, we brought you this.
110
00:05:07,773 --> 00:05:09,507
It goes great with steak.
111
00:05:09,508 --> 00:05:13,577
At least it did last night.
112
00:05:13,578 --> 00:05:14,779
You cheap bastard,
113
00:05:14,780 --> 00:05:16,814
you'll fit right in
around here.
114
00:05:16,815 --> 00:05:18,416
Bunch of tightwads?
115
00:05:18,417 --> 00:05:20,718
Tightwads? Don't even get
me started with this family.
116
00:05:20,719 --> 00:05:21,886
Come here.
117
00:05:21,887 --> 00:05:23,121
It's me,
Richard!
118
00:05:24,690 --> 00:05:27,291
Oh, it's me, Richard!
119
00:05:27,292 --> 00:05:28,759
Oh, this is so great.
120
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:30,095
I just opened my arms,
121
00:05:30,096 --> 00:05:33,364
and I'm hugged and kissed and
pinched by all sorts of people.
122
00:05:33,365 --> 00:05:36,101
There isn't even
a cover charge.
123
00:05:36,102 --> 00:05:38,335
We're family,
Richard!
124
00:05:38,336 --> 00:05:41,039
Family.
It's me, Richard!
125
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:44,142
Oh, it does my heart good to see him back.
126
00:05:44,143 --> 00:05:46,945
It's funny. He never
mentioned any of you.
127
00:05:46,946 --> 00:05:48,279
Well, given
all the troubles,
128
00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:50,181
I never thought
I'd see him here again.
129
00:05:51,883 --> 00:05:53,217
What troubles?
130
00:05:56,755 --> 00:05:57,989
Hi.
131
00:05:58,791 --> 00:06:00,157
Hey.
132
00:06:00,158 --> 00:06:01,826
Hey.
133
00:06:03,929 --> 00:06:06,164
That's a great top.
134
00:06:06,165 --> 00:06:08,166
You think so?
135
00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:10,501
I didn't know what to wear.
136
00:06:10,502 --> 00:06:11,535
Oh, no, it's--
it's perfect.
137
00:06:11,536 --> 00:06:13,571
Oh, thanks. I live
with a bunch of men,
138
00:06:13,572 --> 00:06:15,039
and they were no help
at all.
139
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:16,607
Yeah. Ha ha.
140
00:06:16,608 --> 00:06:18,142
Hey, I'm Michelle,
Martha's daughter.
141
00:06:18,143 --> 00:06:20,678
Oh, hi, I'm Sally,
Richard's sister.
142
00:06:20,679 --> 00:06:22,713
Nice to meet you.
You, too.
143
00:06:22,714 --> 00:06:23,914
Hey, you know what?
144
00:06:23,915 --> 00:06:26,083
My sweater would go
so great with that top.
145
00:06:26,084 --> 00:06:27,485
Oh, you wanna try it on?
146
00:06:27,486 --> 00:06:28,586
Sure.
147
00:06:30,188 --> 00:06:31,990
Oh, yeah.
Definitely hip.
148
00:06:31,991 --> 00:06:33,525
Cool. Ha ha.
149
00:06:33,526 --> 00:06:36,494
Hey, you wanna
wear my shoes?
150
00:06:36,495 --> 00:06:40,231
I've got a pair of socks
I'm not using. I'll go get 'em.
151
00:06:50,275 --> 00:06:52,510
It's, uh, pot roast.
152
00:06:52,511 --> 00:06:55,013
Oh, wow.
I was way off.
153
00:06:57,349 --> 00:06:59,016
Hi. I'm Janine.
154
00:06:59,017 --> 00:07:00,784
I'm Tommy.
155
00:07:00,785 --> 00:07:01,953
So...
156
00:07:01,954 --> 00:07:03,821
[Bored]
This is pretty fun, huh?
157
00:07:03,822 --> 00:07:04,955
Oh, yeah.
158
00:07:04,956 --> 00:07:06,890
Hey? You wanna
get outta here?
159
00:07:06,891 --> 00:07:09,160
Oh, yeah.
Come on.
160
00:07:09,161 --> 00:07:11,562
Aunt Sylvia: Audrey made
her famous ambrosia.
161
00:07:11,563 --> 00:07:13,798
You better hurry,
it's gonna go.
162
00:07:15,133 --> 00:07:16,968
Sweet woman,
that Sylvia.
163
00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:19,303
Yeah, sweet. But dumb as a doorknob.
164
00:07:21,206 --> 00:07:23,641
And don't even get me started with her kids.
165
00:07:23,642 --> 00:07:25,643
Mmm. Rocket scientists,
huh?
166
00:07:25,644 --> 00:07:27,211
Ohh, you got it, pal.
167
00:07:27,212 --> 00:07:30,648
Well, doorknobs
beget doorknobs.
168
00:07:34,119 --> 00:07:36,153
[Hacking in unison]
169
00:07:38,023 --> 00:07:39,824
It's me, Richard!
170
00:07:41,427 --> 00:07:42,694
Fellas...
171
00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:44,161
it's me, Richard!
172
00:07:46,231 --> 00:07:48,399
Oh, you're not huggers.
I understand.
173
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,734
Richard, I don't suppose
you remember me.
174
00:07:50,735 --> 00:07:52,136
I'm your cousin Jacob.
175
00:07:52,137 --> 00:07:54,405
Jacob, of course.
It's been a long time.
176
00:07:54,406 --> 00:07:56,574
It certainly has,
donuts.
177
00:07:56,575 --> 00:07:57,508
Donuts?
178
00:07:57,509 --> 00:07:59,743
Was that
my nickname?
179
00:07:59,744 --> 00:08:00,845
Sure.
Don't you remember?
180
00:08:00,846 --> 00:08:02,780
I was dutch,
and you were donuts.
181
00:08:02,781 --> 00:08:03,615
Donuts?
182
00:08:03,616 --> 00:08:05,416
This guy once ate
2 dozen doughnuts...
183
00:08:06,818 --> 00:08:10,020
and puked 'em up on
grandma Lillian's wig.
184
00:08:10,021 --> 00:08:11,422
Donuts.
185
00:08:11,423 --> 00:08:13,324
Say, you're running
on empty there, Dick.
186
00:08:13,325 --> 00:08:14,359
Let me, uh,
get you a drink.
187
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:15,994
Sounds good.
Fellas,
188
00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:17,562
last chance
for hugs.
189
00:08:18,430 --> 00:08:20,264
Ok. Catch you later.
190
00:08:20,265 --> 00:08:22,299
So, Dick,
191
00:08:22,300 --> 00:08:24,168
it's been a while.
192
00:08:24,169 --> 00:08:26,603
I would've come sooner if
I'd known what I was missing.
193
00:08:26,604 --> 00:08:29,239
I'll bet you would've.
194
00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:31,575
We've done all right since
you've been away, haven't we?
195
00:08:31,576 --> 00:08:34,679
Oh, and I've never seen
so many kinds of dip.
196
00:08:36,048 --> 00:08:38,049
Come on, cousin.
197
00:08:38,050 --> 00:08:39,550
You can be straight with me.
198
00:08:39,551 --> 00:08:43,021
What really brings you
back here after all this time?
199
00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:45,623
I came to meet
my family.
200
00:08:45,624 --> 00:08:46,891
Right.
201
00:08:48,227 --> 00:08:51,329
Boy, you are some
piece of work, Dick.
202
00:08:51,330 --> 00:08:52,930
Wait. Uh...
203
00:08:52,931 --> 00:08:54,632
what's the problem?
Dutch?
204
00:08:54,633 --> 00:08:56,233
It's me, donuts!
205
00:08:58,303 --> 00:09:00,504
He told you guys not to hug me, didn't he?
206
00:09:01,873 --> 00:09:03,574
So, Sally, you have
a boyfriend?
207
00:09:03,575 --> 00:09:04,909
Yes, I do, Michelle.
208
00:09:04,910 --> 00:09:06,310
His name is Don,
209
00:09:06,311 --> 00:09:07,578
and he's a cop.
210
00:09:07,579 --> 00:09:09,246
Oh, cops are so hot.
211
00:09:09,247 --> 00:09:11,081
Oh, yeah,
tell me about it.
212
00:09:11,082 --> 00:09:13,584
And I got me
the hottest one.
213
00:09:13,585 --> 00:09:14,918
Hey, check him out.
214
00:09:21,693 --> 00:09:23,594
Hands off, hon.
He's mine.
215
00:09:26,098 --> 00:09:29,600
Yeah, well, my boyfriend
just works in a cafeteria.
216
00:09:29,601 --> 00:09:33,471
Hold up. Does he wear one of
those cool cafeteria uniforms?
217
00:09:33,472 --> 00:09:36,273
Yeah. And aren't uniforms sexy?
218
00:09:36,274 --> 00:09:37,241
Well, yeah.
219
00:09:37,242 --> 00:09:38,609
All right then!
220
00:09:40,479 --> 00:09:44,315
Oh, you are so cool. I just
feel like I can tell you stuff.
221
00:09:44,316 --> 00:09:46,083
You know, kinda
like you're my...
222
00:09:46,084 --> 00:09:47,251
my sister.
223
00:09:54,159 --> 00:09:55,593
So, Janine...
224
00:09:57,362 --> 00:09:59,063
do you, uh,
225
00:09:59,064 --> 00:10:00,998
have a boyfriend?
226
00:10:02,467 --> 00:10:03,867
No.
227
00:10:03,868 --> 00:10:06,170
But I'm looking.
228
00:10:06,171 --> 00:10:08,472
Well...
229
00:10:08,473 --> 00:10:09,973
look no further.
230
00:10:12,644 --> 00:10:14,044
What are you doing?
231
00:10:14,045 --> 00:10:15,813
Making my move.
232
00:10:15,814 --> 00:10:17,715
Tommy, we can't do that.
233
00:10:17,716 --> 00:10:19,449
We're, like, cousins.
234
00:10:19,450 --> 00:10:22,252
Oh, yeah.
About that, see...
235
00:10:22,253 --> 00:10:25,089
the thing is, that's not
really illegal or anything.
236
00:10:25,090 --> 00:10:26,657
It's just...taboo.
237
00:10:27,692 --> 00:10:29,394
Oh, my god!
238
00:10:29,395 --> 00:10:31,161
I'm, like, so creeped out.
239
00:10:31,162 --> 00:10:33,197
Wait, wait. We're
very distant cousins.
240
00:10:33,198 --> 00:10:36,533
You have no idea how distant we are. Distant!
241
00:10:38,837 --> 00:10:41,672
Oh, Mary, the oddest thing
just happened.
242
00:10:41,673 --> 00:10:44,008
I think one of my relatives
told me off.
243
00:10:44,009 --> 00:10:45,176
Was it Jacob?
244
00:10:45,177 --> 00:10:47,011
How did you know that?
245
00:10:47,012 --> 00:10:49,847
Dick, how much did
your father tell you
246
00:10:49,848 --> 00:10:53,017
about what happened
between him and the family?
247
00:10:53,018 --> 00:10:54,685
Not a lot.
248
00:10:54,686 --> 00:10:57,688
H-he lost his mouth
in the war.
249
00:10:59,191 --> 00:11:00,524
You better sit down.
250
00:11:02,527 --> 00:11:03,694
Dick...
251
00:11:03,695 --> 00:11:06,030
when your father fell
in love with your mother,
252
00:11:06,031 --> 00:11:07,999
she had just arrived
from Lithuania.
253
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,935
She was poor, she didn't speak any English.
254
00:11:10,936 --> 00:11:12,536
The family didn't
approve of her.
255
00:11:12,537 --> 00:11:13,537
Mommy?
256
00:11:13,538 --> 00:11:15,206
Anyway...
257
00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:18,876
your father was forced to
choose between her and the family,
258
00:11:18,877 --> 00:11:20,044
and he chose her.
259
00:11:20,045 --> 00:11:21,045
Daddy?
260
00:11:21,046 --> 00:11:23,447
So the family...
disowned him,
261
00:11:23,448 --> 00:11:25,216
and it was
Jacob's father
262
00:11:25,217 --> 00:11:27,851
who cut him out of the
family furniture business.
263
00:11:27,852 --> 00:11:30,087
Cast out onto the street
by his own flesh and blood?
264
00:11:30,088 --> 00:11:31,922
My god, Mary.
265
00:11:31,923 --> 00:11:34,758
My family is despicable.
266
00:11:34,759 --> 00:11:36,560
Ah, you get used to it.
267
00:11:40,532 --> 00:11:43,034
They gave your mom
and dad the boot, huh?
268
00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:44,835
Sally, it's
our mom and dad.
269
00:11:44,836 --> 00:11:46,537
It's nobody's
mom and dad!
270
00:11:46,538 --> 00:11:49,473
I can't believe that our family
would do anything so heartless.
271
00:11:49,474 --> 00:11:52,576
Don't even get me
started on this family.
272
00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:56,481
Roger's a drunk.
273
00:11:56,482 --> 00:11:58,082
Darren
hasn't paid taxes
274
00:11:58,083 --> 00:12:00,284
since the Eisenhower
administration.
275
00:12:00,285 --> 00:12:04,255
Cousin Marty's got
his own website--
276
00:12:04,256 --> 00:12:06,257
nakedmarty.Com.
277
00:12:09,327 --> 00:12:11,428
Why don't we just admit to
them that we're impostors?
278
00:12:11,429 --> 00:12:12,429
Yeah, right.
279
00:12:12,430 --> 00:12:13,930
You just want us
to come clean
280
00:12:13,931 --> 00:12:15,666
so you can go suck face
with your cousin.
281
00:12:15,667 --> 00:12:17,434
Yeah, well, at least
I haven't deluded myself
282
00:12:17,435 --> 00:12:18,769
into thinking
I have a sister.
283
00:12:18,770 --> 00:12:20,972
Hey, you leave Missy
out of this.
284
00:12:20,973 --> 00:12:22,272
I'm curious.
285
00:12:22,273 --> 00:12:27,244
Does this family have
a history of mental illness?
286
00:12:27,245 --> 00:12:30,947
Well, there is a touch of
dementia on my father's side.
287
00:12:30,948 --> 00:12:33,884
Oh, that explains
a few things.
288
00:12:33,885 --> 00:12:35,286
Dick, what are
you doing?
289
00:12:35,287 --> 00:12:36,287
I have to talk
to Jacob.
290
00:12:36,288 --> 00:12:37,288
Well,
calm down.
291
00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:38,289
Jacob,
we have to talk.
292
00:12:38,290 --> 00:12:39,523
Here it comes.
293
00:12:39,524 --> 00:12:41,592
I've heard some things about the family
294
00:12:41,593 --> 00:12:42,693
and the business--
295
00:12:42,694 --> 00:12:44,728
so you finally
worked up the marbles
296
00:12:44,729 --> 00:12:46,096
to get around to it.
297
00:12:46,097 --> 00:12:47,364
So, this is
about the business.
298
00:12:47,365 --> 00:12:48,966
Who's she, your lawyer?
299
00:12:48,967 --> 00:12:51,001
Oh, no, I'm
his girlfriend.
300
00:12:51,002 --> 00:12:51,735
Oh.
301
00:12:51,736 --> 00:12:52,870
Not married?
302
00:12:52,871 --> 00:12:54,372
That's curious.
303
00:12:54,373 --> 00:12:56,107
Look, Dick,
304
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:57,508
your father
left this family,
305
00:12:57,509 --> 00:12:59,943
and my father was right to
cut him out of the business.
306
00:12:59,944 --> 00:13:02,246
As far as I'm concerned,
you're not entitled to a penny.
307
00:13:02,247 --> 00:13:03,814
You think I want money?!
308
00:13:03,815 --> 00:13:05,783
Well, by the looks of
that car you arrived in,
309
00:13:05,784 --> 00:13:06,884
I wouldn't be surprised.
310
00:13:06,885 --> 00:13:08,920
I would have you know
311
00:13:08,921 --> 00:13:11,322
that I'm qualified
for platinum status!
312
00:13:11,323 --> 00:13:13,691
So I'd zip it
if I were you!
313
00:13:13,692 --> 00:13:16,893
Oh, please. We shouldn't get personal.
314
00:13:16,894 --> 00:13:18,362
I'd stay out of this,
honey.
315
00:13:18,363 --> 00:13:19,764
Honey?!
316
00:13:19,765 --> 00:13:22,867
Well, let me tell you
a thing or two, honey.
317
00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:25,002
Whoever did
your electrolysis...
318
00:13:25,003 --> 00:13:26,470
missed a spot!
319
00:13:28,172 --> 00:13:29,673
How dare you?!
320
00:13:29,674 --> 00:13:30,808
Come on, Jacob.
321
00:13:30,809 --> 00:13:31,842
Oh, that's right.
That's right!
322
00:13:31,843 --> 00:13:33,577
Hide behind
her apron strings.
323
00:13:33,578 --> 00:13:36,647
Oh, please, Richard. You're
acting just like your father.
324
00:13:36,648 --> 00:13:37,748
Damn straight,
aunt Florence!
325
00:13:37,749 --> 00:13:38,916
Damn straight!
326
00:13:41,552 --> 00:13:45,756
[Playing clarinet
badly]
327
00:13:45,757 --> 00:13:48,325
Man, I can't catch a break.
328
00:13:48,326 --> 00:13:50,561
I finally meet a hot girl--
who likes me--
329
00:13:50,562 --> 00:13:52,829
and she turns out to be
my cousin?!
330
00:13:52,830 --> 00:13:56,867
Well... happens to a lot of guys, kiddo.
331
00:13:59,271 --> 00:14:00,537
Janine.
332
00:14:00,538 --> 00:14:03,874
Wait a second. Janine Solomon? Yeah.
333
00:14:03,875 --> 00:14:05,909
Well, this is
your lucky day.
334
00:14:05,910 --> 00:14:08,179
Uncle Abe told me
she's adopted.
335
00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:10,514
Adopted?
Are you sure?
336
00:14:10,515 --> 00:14:15,052
Oh, don't even get me started
on her father's low sperm count.
337
00:14:16,588 --> 00:14:19,590
Harry!
I could kiss you!
338
00:14:21,927 --> 00:14:23,494
Well...
339
00:14:23,495 --> 00:14:24,895
he's a good kid.
340
00:14:26,064 --> 00:14:27,731
Horny, but good.
341
00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:30,868
Hey, Sally, can I
tell you a secret?
342
00:14:30,869 --> 00:14:32,569
Sure, Missy.
Of course you can.
343
00:14:33,604 --> 00:14:34,972
I'm a virgin.
344
00:14:34,973 --> 00:14:36,240
Wow.
345
00:14:36,241 --> 00:14:37,241
I know.
346
00:14:37,242 --> 00:14:39,410
Really? Wow.
347
00:14:39,411 --> 00:14:43,247
I remember what those days
were like, you know.
348
00:14:43,248 --> 00:14:46,517
Feeling like I was the only
person on earth who hadn't had sex.
349
00:14:46,518 --> 00:14:49,052
Wondering what it
was gonna be like.
350
00:14:49,053 --> 00:14:50,254
When did you lose
your virginity?
351
00:14:50,255 --> 00:14:51,756
Ah, a couple of weeks ago.
352
00:14:54,926 --> 00:14:56,560
Wow.
353
00:14:56,561 --> 00:14:58,429
Yeah. So what are you
waiting for?
354
00:14:58,430 --> 00:15:02,166
I don't know.
Uh, the right guy.
355
00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:03,600
Oh, my god.
356
00:15:03,601 --> 00:15:05,936
That is exactly
what I did.
357
00:15:05,937 --> 00:15:07,037
That is so cool!
358
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:10,774
Look,
I'm tellin' ya.
359
00:15:10,775 --> 00:15:12,275
I heard ya.
360
00:15:14,946 --> 00:15:17,280
Fah! You should
be so lucky.
361
00:15:17,281 --> 00:15:20,951
Ah! I should
live so long.
362
00:15:20,952 --> 00:15:22,452
Brauggghh!
363
00:15:22,453 --> 00:15:24,221
Yaaah-aggh!
364
00:15:25,790 --> 00:15:27,191
Janine. There you are.
365
00:15:27,192 --> 00:15:28,893
I've been looking
all over for you.
366
00:15:28,894 --> 00:15:31,495
I know.
I've been avoiding you.
367
00:15:31,496 --> 00:15:32,562
No, you don't understand.
368
00:15:32,563 --> 00:15:34,965
See, it's Ok if we kiss
because we're not related.
369
00:15:34,966 --> 00:15:37,902
What are you talking about?
370
00:15:37,903 --> 00:15:39,035
You know,
'cause you're adopted.
371
00:15:40,805 --> 00:15:42,305
Adopted?
372
00:15:42,306 --> 00:15:44,875
[Nervous laugh]
No. No way. No, I'm not.
373
00:15:44,876 --> 00:15:46,844
Yeah, sure you are.
Everybody knows it.
374
00:15:46,845 --> 00:15:50,715
So, uh...
you wanna make out?
375
00:15:50,716 --> 00:15:52,483
Mom!
376
00:15:52,484 --> 00:15:55,286
Yeah. You just confirm it with your mother
377
00:15:55,287 --> 00:15:57,121
and, uh,
get back to me.
378
00:16:01,326 --> 00:16:03,360
They're right.
You can't go home again.
379
00:16:03,361 --> 00:16:06,497
So much for "family"
and "brotherhood"
380
00:16:06,498 --> 00:16:09,199
and "home is where the
heart is." What a bunch of crap!
381
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,236
Now you know where
I've been coming from.
382
00:16:12,237 --> 00:16:13,938
You go home
for the holidays,
383
00:16:13,939 --> 00:16:16,173
you see that beautiful
Christmas tree in the window.
384
00:16:16,174 --> 00:16:17,808
Everything looks
so idyllic.
385
00:16:17,809 --> 00:16:19,843
And all of a sudden
there's your mother
386
00:16:19,844 --> 00:16:21,812
swinging a 5-iron
at your father's head,
387
00:16:21,813 --> 00:16:24,315
and the tree's
in the eggnog.
388
00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:26,183
How do you deal with it?
389
00:16:26,184 --> 00:16:27,685
I repress.
390
00:16:27,686 --> 00:16:30,087
Repression is the key
to a happy family.
391
00:16:30,088 --> 00:16:32,690
Doesn't sound
very healthy.
392
00:16:32,691 --> 00:16:34,091
If you yell and scream,
393
00:16:34,092 --> 00:16:36,960
you end up sounding
like your mother.
394
00:16:36,961 --> 00:16:38,863
I'm gonna go get
another drink.
395
00:16:40,198 --> 00:16:41,365
Didn't you just finish one?
396
00:16:41,366 --> 00:16:43,700
Get off my back!
397
00:16:45,603 --> 00:16:48,372
Hey, so, do you think
I should go lighter?
398
00:16:48,373 --> 00:16:50,340
Honey, if you do,
I will kill you.
399
00:16:50,341 --> 00:16:52,543
Michelle!
400
00:16:52,544 --> 00:16:53,544
Jenny!
401
00:16:53,545 --> 00:16:54,911
[Both shriek]
402
00:16:54,912 --> 00:16:56,480
Michelle? Michelle?
403
00:16:56,481 --> 00:16:57,747
Michelle!
404
00:16:57,748 --> 00:16:59,650
Huh?
405
00:16:59,651 --> 00:17:00,451
Who's that?
406
00:17:00,452 --> 00:17:01,852
Oh! Oh!
407
00:17:01,853 --> 00:17:03,187
Why, Sally, this is jenny.
408
00:17:03,188 --> 00:17:04,221
Hi, jenny.
Hi.
409
00:17:04,222 --> 00:17:06,123
She's my sister.
410
00:17:06,124 --> 00:17:07,124
Sister?
411
00:17:07,125 --> 00:17:08,292
How's booty?
412
00:17:08,293 --> 00:17:09,793
Oh,
booty's great.
413
00:17:09,794 --> 00:17:10,894
Wh-who's booty?
414
00:17:10,895 --> 00:17:13,163
Hey, did you sing
to the lake yet?
415
00:17:13,164 --> 00:17:14,397
You guys sing
to the lake?
416
00:17:14,398 --> 00:17:16,200
Oh, yeah. Ever
since we were kids.
417
00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:18,835
Oh, great! Let's go
do some lake singin'!
418
00:17:18,836 --> 00:17:22,439
Uh, well, it's kinda
just between the two of us.
419
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:23,707
Are you sure
I can't help?
420
00:17:23,708 --> 00:17:27,144
I mean,
that's a--a big lake,
421
00:17:27,145 --> 00:17:29,746
and I'm real loud.
422
00:17:29,747 --> 00:17:31,849
Uh...it's Ok.
423
00:17:31,850 --> 00:17:34,518
You know, it's just this
sort of stupid sister thing.
424
00:17:34,519 --> 00:17:35,786
[Awkward laugh]
425
00:17:47,031 --> 00:17:47,798
All right,
everybody,
426
00:17:47,799 --> 00:17:50,033
get ready.
Here we go.
427
00:17:51,936 --> 00:17:54,772
Ohh! [Muttering]
428
00:17:57,242 --> 00:17:59,843
[Sarcastic] This was
some great idea, Dick.
429
00:17:59,844 --> 00:18:02,045
Yeah, I can't wait to
come back next year.
430
00:18:02,046 --> 00:18:04,381
Dick, you wanna tell your
family to stop whining.
431
00:18:04,382 --> 00:18:06,450
No. Just smile
and repress.
432
00:18:06,451 --> 00:18:07,751
Smile and repress.
433
00:18:07,752 --> 00:18:08,719
All right
now, everybody.
434
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,654
Come on now,
squeeze together.
435
00:18:10,655 --> 00:18:11,855
Squeeze together,
that's good.
436
00:18:11,856 --> 00:18:12,923
Good. Ha ha.
437
00:18:12,924 --> 00:18:14,124
All right now...
438
00:18:14,125 --> 00:18:15,292
everybody...
439
00:18:15,293 --> 00:18:16,627
smile!
440
00:18:17,895 --> 00:18:20,130
Ohh!
441
00:18:20,131 --> 00:18:22,733
I can't smile! I have nothing to smile about!
442
00:18:22,734 --> 00:18:23,734
I hate this family!
443
00:18:23,735 --> 00:18:25,469
Right back at ya, Dick!
444
00:18:25,470 --> 00:18:28,004
And I so wanted
to be proud of you.
445
00:18:28,005 --> 00:18:30,107
[Bitterly]
My family.
446
00:18:30,108 --> 00:18:33,477
You were supposed to give
me warmth and unending love.
447
00:18:33,478 --> 00:18:36,980
Instead you give me a punch in
the gut and a cold tuna melt!
448
00:18:36,981 --> 00:18:38,282
Well, I've had it!
449
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:40,116
And so I take my leave
of this hellhouse
450
00:18:40,117 --> 00:18:41,919
just like my father
before me!
451
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:42,886
Bye-bye now.
452
00:18:42,887 --> 00:18:45,322
I'd pack you a doggy bag,
but I saw her
453
00:18:45,323 --> 00:18:47,724
stuffing the hors d'oeuvres
into her pockets.
454
00:18:47,725 --> 00:18:50,161
Don't flatter yourself.
It was the silverware.
455
00:18:51,495 --> 00:18:53,731
Excuse me.
Weren't you leaving?
456
00:18:53,732 --> 00:18:54,732
Oh, believe me,
we're leaving.
457
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:57,734
[All talking at once]
458
00:19:00,171 --> 00:19:05,242
Hey! Hey! Hey!
459
00:19:05,243 --> 00:19:09,246
What the hell's the matter
with you people?
460
00:19:09,247 --> 00:19:12,349
You know what? I got
a little news flash for ya.
461
00:19:12,350 --> 00:19:13,850
Dick, Jacob,
462
00:19:13,851 --> 00:19:17,721
both your fathers were
world-Class pains in the ass.
463
00:19:17,722 --> 00:19:19,556
And you know what I
admire about 'em?
464
00:19:19,557 --> 00:19:21,691
They're both dead!
465
00:19:23,862 --> 00:19:26,463
And right now,
I wish I was with 'em.
466
00:19:26,464 --> 00:19:28,032
Amen to that!
467
00:19:28,033 --> 00:19:29,700
40 years later,
468
00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:32,703
you two morons are still
carrying on the same grudge?!
469
00:19:32,704 --> 00:19:34,038
Give it a rest!
470
00:19:34,039 --> 00:19:36,040
What, you don't like
each other? Boo-hoo!
471
00:19:36,041 --> 00:19:38,408
Suck it up.
You're family!
472
00:19:38,409 --> 00:19:40,544
Don't get me started.
473
00:19:42,013 --> 00:19:43,147
Harry,
474
00:19:43,148 --> 00:19:45,448
you are so right.
475
00:19:45,449 --> 00:19:49,019
This time last week I
didn't even have a family.
476
00:19:49,020 --> 00:19:52,889
And now here I am,
ready to reject you all
477
00:19:52,890 --> 00:19:55,025
just because you don't meet
my stupid expectations.
478
00:19:55,026 --> 00:19:57,627
Yeah, you guys have
both got a point.
479
00:19:57,628 --> 00:20:00,030
This family's been
split up too long.
480
00:20:00,031 --> 00:20:02,599
In fact, I don't even
remember why anymore.
481
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:06,803
Dick, you may not be
my kind of guy,
482
00:20:06,804 --> 00:20:08,671
but you're a Solomon.
483
00:20:08,672 --> 00:20:11,675
And there's not much
I can do about that.
484
00:20:11,676 --> 00:20:13,476
Same here, Jacob.
485
00:20:13,477 --> 00:20:16,947
You may be kind of creepy,
but you're family.
486
00:20:16,948 --> 00:20:19,349
Cousin?
Cousin.
487
00:20:19,350 --> 00:20:20,684
Well, that's more like it.
488
00:20:20,685 --> 00:20:22,285
Oh, Jacob!
489
00:20:28,259 --> 00:20:29,259
Aah!
490
00:20:29,260 --> 00:20:30,628
Get away from me!
491
00:20:34,699 --> 00:20:36,100
Well, good-bye now,
Sally.
492
00:20:36,101 --> 00:20:37,368
Bye-bye, jenny.
493
00:20:37,369 --> 00:20:38,836
It was really great
meeting you, Sally.
494
00:20:38,837 --> 00:20:40,103
Yeah, you, too,
Michelle.
495
00:20:40,104 --> 00:20:41,271
Hey...
496
00:20:41,272 --> 00:20:44,274
if anything should
happen to jenny...
497
00:20:44,275 --> 00:20:45,943
you know?
498
00:20:48,112 --> 00:20:49,679
Give me a call.
499
00:20:51,616 --> 00:20:55,352
Good-bye, Richard.
I'm so glad you came.
500
00:20:55,353 --> 00:20:59,122
It's nice to be
one family again.
501
00:20:59,123 --> 00:21:00,791
Oh, it sure is.
502
00:21:00,792 --> 00:21:01,891
Good-bye, Sylvia.
503
00:21:01,892 --> 00:21:02,726
Good-bye.
504
00:21:02,727 --> 00:21:04,294
You know, Mary,
505
00:21:04,295 --> 00:21:06,830
the great thing about
rediscovering your roots is
506
00:21:06,831 --> 00:21:10,300
you suddenly have a whole
new world of people to blame
507
00:21:10,301 --> 00:21:12,135
for, you know,
everything.
508
00:21:13,738 --> 00:21:14,771
Harry.
509
00:21:14,772 --> 00:21:15,772
Abe.
510
00:21:15,773 --> 00:21:18,041
I want you
to have these.
511
00:21:18,042 --> 00:21:20,877
Ohh, that's so nice.
512
00:21:20,878 --> 00:21:23,847
Aww, I'm gonna miss you,
uncle Abe.
513
00:21:23,848 --> 00:21:27,384
Oh, don't get me started
with that emotional crap.
514
00:21:27,385 --> 00:21:29,353
It's too late!
515
00:21:29,354 --> 00:21:31,788
I've already started!
516
00:21:37,829 --> 00:21:39,996
Janine, hi. It's Tommy.
517
00:21:39,997 --> 00:21:42,198
Uh, from the reunion?
518
00:21:42,199 --> 00:21:45,201
Right, yeah, the one who told
you you were adopted, right.
519
00:21:45,202 --> 00:21:48,171
Anyway. Say, uh, you
wanna go out on Sunday?
520
00:21:48,172 --> 00:21:51,274
Oh, meeting your
birth mother, huh?
521
00:21:51,275 --> 00:21:53,009
Well, listen, can it wait?
522
00:21:53,010 --> 00:21:55,712
You know, it's been 16 years
. What's another day, right?
523
00:21:55,713 --> 00:21:57,781
Uh, well, maybe
I could come, you know?
524
00:21:57,782 --> 00:22:00,851
We could catch a movie,
swing by your birth mom's.
525
00:22:00,852 --> 00:22:02,619
Hello? Hello? Hel--
526
00:22:02,620 --> 00:22:05,956
oh, man. Got cut off.
35990
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