Original subtitles

Thank you.

Good evening and welcome to The Great Indian Kapil Show Season 5.

Archana ma'am, Sidhu sahab.

Do you know what the world's biggest celebration is?

What?

Life.

If you go to sleep tonight

and wake up the next day,

celebrate.

Yes.

Because nothing beats life.

Though everyone has their own way of living life.

Look at all the shows on TV these days,

giving people such crazy tasks.

What's a task for them is just everyday life for regular folks.

For example, there's a show

where they put 20 different kinds of people in a house.

You were on that show.

Then they fight,

brawl, curse at each other,

and fight over bread and eggs.

What they call a show, we call a joint family.

In a joint family, two daughters-in-law never get along.

Yes.

Mom-in-law hates both.

The brothers get drunk and fight in the evenings.

The sister's husband steps in.

Either they listen to him, or they beat him up.

Then the bua jumps in and fuels the fire.

We spend our whole lives in that kind of chaos.

And no prize money either.

"Prize money…"

Right? After all the fighting,

if we manage to save our family,

that's the prize money. Nothing else.

For common folks, Mumbai is a chore.

Homes are so tiny,

one bathroom for eight people.

Everyone has a slot.

First, the school-going kids,

then Dad who goes to the office,

then the homemaker wife,

and then the elders get all day.

Well…

When Dad has to rush to work, it's a real pain.

While he's picking up the newspaper from the door,

the kid slips inside.

He goes, "Wait!"

Dad throws the newspaper, but the kid's already inside.

When Dad curses from outside,

the poor kid, like Iran under US pressure,

halts his bombing midway.

That's how it is.

Sidhu sahab, anything counts as a task now.

- Drinking water is a task. - Yes.

They tell you to drink three liters of water daily.

- Yes. - There are these bottles--

Let me show you. Show the bottle here.

- Yes. - Look.

It has reminders written on it, all timed out.

Like, "8:00 a.m. Get started."

"10:00 a.m. Remember your goal."

"12:00 p.m. Keep drinking."

"2:00 p.m. Don't give up.

"4:00 p.m. No excuses."

"6:00 p.m. You're almost there."

By 8:00 p.m., you finish all the water.

Then it says, "You did it."

Now look at a liquor bottle.

It's the exact opposite.

It starts at 8:00 p.m., not 8:00 a.m.

- You don't even have to write on it. - Nope.

It's just understood.

People just follow it.

"8:00 p.m. Get started."

"10:00 p.m. Remember your goal." Finish it all.

"12:00 a.m. Keep drinking." The night's still young.

"2:00 a.m. Bring another bottle!"

"3:00 a.m. Nobody's going home!"

"4:00 a.m. You're almost there." Meaning, you're wasted.

- "Almost there…" - "6:00 a.m. You did it!"

By then, he's out cold, lying in a gutter.

Go out for weekend dinner in the city, and that's a whole task.

Every restaurant is packed.

A guy's with family, wife dressed up,

two kids in tow, but no room.

The guy's waiting outside.

Waiters carry food right past them.

And they skip the menu.

They order by watching others' food.

Dal looks good.

Someone's eating from his plate, while this guy savors it with his eyes.

Someone orders a sizzler, and the whole restaurant knows.

Smoke billows from the plate as this guy stares at it…

And this guy who's waiting gets the most annoyed at the guy

who finishes eating and still waits ten minutes for a finger bowl.

"Bring the finger bowl!"

If he had his way,

he'd lick his fingers and say, "Just leave!"

Right? He's hungry.

All right, you finally get a table.

Then ordering food is a task in itself.

Back then, waiters recited the menu.

"Sir, paneer tikka, paneer masala, paneer kadhai, yellow dal, black dal,

mom's dal, dad's booze--" Whatever…

Menus vanished, replaced by scanners.

Older folks don't get scanners, poor things.

So they order what they always eat.

"Son, bring dal and roti."

The waiter says, "Sir, this is a Japanese restaurant."

He looks at his grandson.

Kids are so confident.

Right? Always ready to order.

"Okay. One blue butter Japanese rice with Thai curry."

"One sushi nikkei avocado uramaki."

Hearing this, the old man curses under his breath, like, "What?"

Then the sushi comes with chopsticks.

Yes.

The old man thinks, "They're here to humiliate me today."

"I don't know how to eat sushi, and they gave me spears!"

Dinesh once ordered sushi.

Clueless, he joined both chopsticks,

made a spear, and went straight for the sushi!

He murdered that sushi.

He didn't eat sushi, it was suicide.

His wife told him to eat with them.

Before that, when the chopsticks arrived,

he stuck them behind his ears and ate with his hands.

I mean…

Have you seen those four-story burgers?

- Yes. - The ones in the ads?

A bun on top, a bun on the bottom, and God knows what in between.

Right? You can't even hold it at first.

- That's true. - You crush it with your elbow.

Then grab it in front.

To eat it, a guy warms up his mouth.

Stretches his jaw.

Then you hold it here and squeeze.

You bite the front, and the back bursts.

- Right? - So true.

The second you press,

a tomato slips out the back,

like Raghav Chadha leaving AAP.

The guy tries to save Raghav Chadha,

and the whole party falls apart.

Good one!

Eventually, a guy just gives up.

- Yes. - He sees who's watching,

and eats that burger like pav bhaji.

Anyway, we were talking tasks.

Time to earn our bread and butter.

And welcome tonight's guests.

They're truly special,

and I'm genuinely thrilled today.

These are guests who, in their own way,

have inspired people to move forward in life.

With big applause, I want to welcome

this trio of friends.

Please welcome Mr. Pankaj Tripathi,

Mr. Zakir Khan,

and Dr. Vikas Divyakirti sahab.

Brother, greetings, greetings!

Welcome, sir!

Zakir bhai!

Welcome, welcome.

Wow.

Today's episode is gonna be great!

Sir, I've met Pankaj bhai many times, and it's an honor.

Zakir bhai is my friend too.

It's my first time meeting you,

and you're the first teacher I've ever become a fan of.

Normally, we fear teachers.

Partly due to our antics…

The teachers probably played a part too.

But, sir, the way you teach, and your unique style,

how you keep students engaged alongside the lessons,

it shows in how your students react.

I watch so many of your videos, sir. Thank you so much for coming.

- Thank you. - Welcome. Please.

As you already know, Vikas sir is an educator,

Zakir bhai is a stand-up comedian,

and Pankaj bhai is an actor.

And the funny thing is, all three of them are my fans.

- Sorry, jokes aside. - That's true.

Sir, first of all, I'd like to know,

when did the three of you first meet? How did you become friends?

The first time I met Vikas sir was right there in the classroom.

- Really? Were you studying for UPSC? - Yes.

Yes, yes. I wanted to.

We're all just dreamers.

- That's correct. - He's the realist.

Right, so then?

To the goals I didn't complete, I bow in humble defeat.

- Wow. - Wow.

My UPSC dream didn't pan out, but I used to listen to his lectures.

- Okay. - And the commute was so long

that I'd listen to his long lectures to pass the time.

So I only know him through his classes, knowledge, and books.

During COVID, we had long phone calls.

- Yes. - Okay.

- We actually met on the set of OMG 2. - On the set. Yes.

Sir came for 12th Fail,

- to help with writing… - Yes.

- 12th Fail was being written. - Okay.

There's a role in it based on me.

- So-- - I saw 12th Fail and your scene.

- I wanted him to play that role. - I see.

So I requested him, but I ended up doing it myself.

Who could play your role better than you?

No, even so…

So, Zakir bhai, how'd you end up among educated folks?

How did you meet them?

I'm just as surprised.

How did I end up with them?

I don't know if this sounds inappropriate,

or if I even should say it.

But I've slept with Vikas sir a lot.

I was brought up in a joint family.

Someone at home is always talking around you.

Right.

Now I live in Mumbai and have made a name for myself.

I have a big room, the AC running, no noise, and I still can't sleep.

Yes.

It's nice when someone's talking next to you.

So that's why I'd put on my earphones and listen to his lectures…

- You watched his videos first? - Yes.

Yeah, first I saw his videos.

Then my friend, Saurabh Dwivedi sahab…

- Yes, yes. -…who was on your show,

I asked him to introduce me to Vikas sir.

Also, they say you should surround yourself

- with smarter people. - Yes.

- So that's why I made him my friend. - So…

That makes--

I was gonna say, that makes sense for him.

What did you think?

He thought he should keep some fools around.

Why did I meet him, or feel so glad to have the chance to meet you?

I believe that comedians

have the highest IQ.

I think in an IQ test, comedians would come out on top.

Because it takes a very sharp mind.

You have to use the right word at exactly the right time

and pause at just the right moment.

So, among the comics around me,

I especially like the ones who swear a little less.

So…

There's even a spiritual side to this, Kapil paaji.

What you do is huge.

It is spiritual, too.

It's presence of mind, right?

- Yes. - Replying instantly, which means…

Spirituality teaches us to live in the moment.

So when a comic performs on stage,

he is most in the present.

He processes the input and responds within a second.

So you're spiritual too.

Oh, thank you, Pankaj bhai.

Today, sir, we decided

to make Kapil realize just how big his work is.

Sir, you said a comedian

- has to react in just a few seconds. - Yes.

- Then cricketers are truly top-class. - Absolutely.

When a ball comes at Virat Kohli,

it comes at 150 km/h.

So just imagine, he has only a fraction of a second

to hit a four or a six!

Wait, I have one thing to say to Sidhu sahab.

When comedians were being praised…

We'd reached a spiritual level.

Yes, yes.

Cricketers make the most money.

- Yes. - They get three whole pages in the paper.

- Yes. - Okay?

Yet you couldn't bear two minutes of…

Why would I shoot myself in the foot?

Man, comedians pay my bills!

What are you saying?

I agree with you.

You have to agree, or he won't stop.

When Sidhu ji entered commentary, we were just students.

In IAS interviews, some kids list cricket as a hobby,

so questions about him came up too.

I see.

- Back then, Sidhuism was the term, right? - Sidhuism?

Some wrote in a unique style in papers.

Like Prabhash Joshi, a great satirist.

He wrote, "When Sachin married,

he started staying in his crease."

"He stepped out only when needed."

But he's the one who brought that from print media to television.

- No, no. Thank you. - And the metaphors he used…

He may or may not remember this,

but it got so famous.

"Team India is falling like bicycles in a bike rack."

I said a lot more than this, sir.

"After a six, the ball went so high,

it kissed an air hostess on its way back down."

Commentary became more pleasurable than the cricket itself.

I'm honored, sir.

Pankaj bhaiya, you are everywhere.

I mean, on OTT and in theaters.

- Mirzapur was amazing. Congratulations. - Yes. Thank you, thank you.

Look at the love.

I'll cry if you applaud that much.

I expected you to say, "Music."

- Music. - When you're out in Mumbai--

I know, you live in Madh Island.

Heading into town, your huge posters are up.

Do you think, "Hey, I'm Pankaj Tripathi"?

Honestly, I don't.

So I'll see a psychologist to find out why.

Seriously, it's an issue.

Like, "Man, you should feel something, right?"

I've walked so far toward spiritual liberation.

Now, you all know Vikas sir,

but I'd like to say it again.

BA, MA, LLB, MPhil, PhD.

He did all that.

Plus, he did a filmmaking course at FTII Pune.

Wow.

And with that calm, serious nature,

he speaks so well

that if someone told him to become a spiritual guru,

all he'd need is enough time to grow a beard.

He's all set otherwise.

Sir, you have so many degrees.

Normally, if people can't get a job, they study more.

Or if they can't get married, they study more.

- That wasn't the case with you. - Yes.

So, what kind of bliss were you chasing with all these degrees?

No, I just felt like studying new subjects,

so I kept doing many things.

In Mirzapur, I have a line.

"I started because I had to, but eventually, I started enjoying it."

Yes, yes.

Besides, degrees mean nothing.

Degrees are just for show.

You can be just as wise without one.

A famous couplet goes,

"Degrees are receipts for what you've learned."

"True knowledge lives in your character."

- Oh, wonderful! - Wow.

Wow!

If it shows in your character, why need a degree?

- So-- - So you didn't even get a single degree.

Had you heard that couplet before?

What kind of bliss were you chasing that you didn't even get one degree?

I passed 12th grade.

Let's start there.

For the record, we don't call that a degree.

Because if someone is as educated as I am,

I don't consider them educated at all.

I felt like studying wasn't really--

I was stuck.

When I got to college,

people told me they read other books too.

Other?

- Like, ones not on the syllabus. - Okay, got it.

A girl asked me freshman year, "What kind of books do you read?"

I said, "Textbooks."

I wanted to be an RJ.

- I knew I spoke well… - I see.

…and if you're not that good-looking,

- you figure radio is the right medium. - Okay.

I was confident I could kill it with my voice.

I thought, why would I need a degree for that?

So I went to Delhi for a course.

Once I finished it

and first applied for a job,

they asked, "Where's your degree?"

I said, "I dropped out!"

He said, "No, you need a degree here too."

- Really? - Luckily for me,

I had an advanced diploma in sitar.

Oh, wow.

A court order came out saying that a diploma of this duration

- would be equivalent to a degree. - Yes.

So, sir, I'm proficient in music.

- Can you believe it? - That's amazing!

Sir, I just learned today

that even to be a radio jockey--

- An RJ is an artist too. - Yes, absolutely.

Playing with words-- That needs a degree too?

Sir, don't you think

we have exams for everything except politics?

There should be.

- There should be, right? - Absolutely.

Any good country should have one.

When someone becomes an MLA or MP,

they have no clue what an MP does.

That's true.

If we taught them public policy for a year,

and at least explained what they could do

- and what the Constitution says… - Right.

…they'd definitely do a better job.

There's no entry test in politics,

but winning a second time

- is the real test of character. - Yes.

Unless people trust you, they won't vote for you.

We'd heard that

Vikas sir had wanted to get

- into politics before. - I used to.

Then you joined the IAS, and then became an educator.

When did you realize

that education matters more than politics for a country's development

and needs more focus?

I never realized it to the extent

- you're describing. - Okay.

Basically--

Basically, when I was a student, I wanted to go into politics.

- Okay. - So I got involved in student politics.

Then I joined DU specifically to become DUSU president.

Then I'd become an MLA, then an MP, and eventually a minister.

- That was the plan. - I see.

While preparing for the UPSC, I started enjoying studying much more.

So then I lost interest in politics.

I study, I teach, and I enjoy it so much, more than any other work.

That's why I'm a very happy man.

- You do great work, sir. - I have no regrets.

Pankaj bhaiya, once you became popular--

I've usually seen

many actors in our industry

- get approached by their hometowns-- - Yes.

Once people see that this guy is popular,

some party always asks him to run for office.

- Yes. - Did nobody ever ask you?

- Someone asked me once. - And?

Yeah. So I said,

"I'm not interested," just like him.

"My acting shop is running just fine."

"Why do you want to shut it down?"

No, ma'am, it's a massive responsibility.

Serving the public is serious business.

- True. - It isn't easy.

Pankaj sahab, I want to ask you a question.

Sure, sir. Please.

There was this belief that, in cinema, big dynasties

would last for generations.

In cricket, having a great dad doesn't mean his son will be great.

But in films, it was a huge advantage.

Then people like you came along,

from small towns,

giving wings to the common man's dreams and making it big.

Don't you think OTT played a huge part in that?

Absolutely, sir. I agree.

In fact, the audience sitting before us,

the four of us on stage, and the two of you in those chairs,

- we all come from humble families. - Absolutely.

Yet in this democratic space, we got opportunities, worked hard,

earned our place, and now we're sitting here preaching.

So we're not just doing a show today.

We're doing a show of possibilities,

and this possibility exists in every kid in every state.

And of course, as new mediums emerge, new opportunities open up.

When TV came along, Kapil paaji came from Amritsar, and India saw his talent.

Then his hard work, effort, IQ, intelligence, and spirituality…

"Spirituality."

…got him this far.

So this is a show of hope.

We covered so much today in one conversation.

One thing I want to say,

speaking of praise, Zakir…

Have you guys seen Zakir's Papa Yaar on Netflix?

Yes!

- Zakir, I saw it. - Brilliant.

Wonderful.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

His every line-- You talked about observation.

My God, the observation!

Every family has parents, but the way he portrayed his parents,

we saw our own parents too.

I really want to ask you,

how much of that is actually based on your real parents?

See, the basic rule of storytelling is

that your personal story must feel universal…

- Yes. -…and universal stories

must feel personal.

Then, you hit the nail on the head.

Well said.

What can I say? They're here, so…

They're sitting right here.

- Oh, wow! Greetings. - Oh, my God!

Zakir bhai's father and mother.

A warm welcome.

What is it, Papa?

Your mom's right there. What will he say?

Tell me, Zakir bhai, since we're on your stand-up,

when a dad becomes a buddy, are there pros or cons?

Trust me, it's only downsides.

I've toured with this show for over two years,

so I've met and spoken to so many sons, daughters, and their parents.

And I realized that, you know-- When I named this show,

I called it Papa Yaar because you can't say the two words together.

He asks, "Why are you going out so late?"

You say, "Papa, yaar, everyone's going." He snaps, "Am I your buddy?"

- And the whole topic changes. - In our day, yes.

- Now it's okay. - Now even my dad says that.

My dad's an introvert.

He speaks in very few words.

In crowds, he barely speaks at all.

He always regretted that--

Dads use fewer words with their kids, but open up to their moms.

No, even there, my mom does the talking.

He felt that, being an introvert,

he didn't get as far,

- or get the chances he could have. - Right.

He channeled his regret into preparing me

so his son could speak.

I can say I worked hard, and I did,

- but he planted the seed. And that is why… - Well said.

See, I don't know who's seen God and who hasn't.

But if God exists on Earth in any form,

rejoicing in seeing their child surpass them,

it's your parents.

Pankaj, did your father ever hit you?

- No, never. Not a single slap. - Never?

- Never in my whole life. - Wow.

And your mom?

Mom hit me once or twice,

- but I'd dodge her. - Okay.

I'd walk around the house in shorts in the evening,

wanting to go out and play, but she'd say no.

So I'd walk around bare-chested in just my shorts,

humming and pretending I'd stay home.

I'd throw a shirt or T-shirt out the back window,

then casually sneak out.

She figured I wouldn't go out shirtless to play.

I'd go around back, put it on, and disappear.

Kapil, did your parents ever beat you?

I remember it happening twice. I don't remember the rest.

You only remember these things when you grow up.

Obviously, it was my fault.

But I'd like to say one thing.

If your dad teaches you something, just learn it quietly.

Because if the world teaches you that,

- it costs a lot more. - Yes.

- Spot on. - Believe me.

I mean, learn what you can.

A beating from your father might sting a bit,

but a mother's beating never hurts.

A mother's beating doesn't hurt a father, let alone a child!

Well…

Mom talks to us as if…

"What would Papa say if he found out?"

She talks to us as if they don't talk to each other.

Even though there's nothing

- they don't discuss. - Exactly.

- Like they wouldn't tell. - Yes.

I just want to say, trust whoever you want,

not your mom.

Especially if you want to keep something from your dad.

Vajpayee!

Oh, man!

Incredible.

Oh, man!

Greetings to you all.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Unbelievable.

I'm here today to talk about Pankaj ji.

Oh, sir. Greetings.

Brothers, sisters, and Gen Z.

Our beloved Pankaj ji.

- He brings any character to life. - Wow.

And I stand before you as living proof of that.

I am Saral Bihari Vajpayee.

- Saral? - Wow, wow.

- Nice one! - How are you saral?

I praise Pankaj ji for the pinnacle of his acting

- and congratulate him on it. - Wow.

Wow. Incredible.

He looks like such a polite guy,

but through acting, he becomes Kaleen Bhaiya.

Wow!

- Too good! - Wow!

This is the era of Vikas.

- Wow. - Incredible.

Vikas ji doesn't come alone.

Divya and Kirti always come with him.

All three.

Opportunities don't come to him.

Students come and leave as officers.

Well said.

The guys at the back.

And he's not the only one who motivates us.

Our Zakir bhai does, too.

But the best thing is,

he made people laugh.

- Yes. - Very good.

- He cheered them up. - Nice.

Since I'm here today, I thought I'd launch a book.

Sure.

- This book is titled Saral Kavita. - Okay.

Now, don't ask me to recite something from it.

- Recite it, recite it! - Yes, please.

- Recite it, recite it! - Yes, yes.

Let's hear it!

I'll recite a few poems for you.

It's about the things that have been bothering me lately.

"They're hooked, they're hooked, they're hooked."

"Not on smoking, not on drinking."

"People are hooked on Instagram Watching reels!"

Wow.

- They're hooked! That's so true. - Wow.

This is for today's youth.

Today's youth,

who won't bow to their parents,

bow to their phones instead.

Yes.

"Screen time has taken over sleep time."

"School starts at six in the morning,

but the son is up Until 3:00 a.m. scrolling through Meta."

"Meta."

"But the son is up scrolling through Meta."

"AG, OG, hey, listen up."

"Instead of touching Dadu's feet

the pota sends him an emoji."

- "Dadu is no less." - Incredible.

"At 90, he's asking ChatGPT,

'How did I look in my 80s?'"

Wow! Incredible!

- Another short poem is titled-- - Yes, please.

- Let's hear it, please. - Go ahead.

If time allows.

- Yes. - Yeah.

"Sensor faucets."

Sensor faucets. Put your hands under, and the water flows.

"Once, the stairs stood still, and people climbed."

Wow!

"Now people stand still, and stairs climb."

- Wow! Nice one! - Wow!

- Incredible. - Wow!

- What a thought! - Very nice.

"We used to have manual faucets."

Yes.

"You'd turn the handle like this,

air would hiss out, making a sound."

"Then the water would flow."

"Now you just put your hands underneath and the water comes out."

"All the time people save at the faucet,

they spend watching reels."

- Yes! - Incredible.

"People spend two hours in the bathroom on a five-minute job."

"Trust me, their stomachs are fine, they're just scrolling inside."

"Scrolling inside."

- Bitter truth. - Wow!

Wow!

Everyone stopped. Why are you still clapping?

I'm making rotis.

Making rotis?

Right, you're the Food Minister, after all.

I wrote something on food.

"Food lost its color…"

"Food lost its color. Red Manchurian turned yellow."

Wow!

"Pink cotton candy lost its hue."

"Gourds turned green anew."

"Fake eggs were banned from the scene ever since Tukaram Mundhe came in."

Well said!

I'm proud that today,

under Archana ji's leadership,

Joketantra has come into being.

"Joketantra!"

With our respected Sidhu ji's

"Thoko Tali" stamp,

the joke gets its power.

Before I leave,

I have one last thing to say.

Here's a poem for Archana ji.

Oh, wow!

"She acts like a vlogger, making just one roti at home."

"Just so it can make it into the vlog."

"The rest is ordered online."

"And the time saved by not making rotis…"

- Is spent scrolling through reels! - Is spent scrolling through reels!

That's true!

- True! - Amazing!

Sir, please check this.

It will make a great reel, sir.

There's no light on my face.

What kind of reel is this?

Lovely!

- If I knew, I'd have used this light. - Ring light!

You did all this for a reel?

No, Kapil ji. No, Sidhu ji.

To break the habit of watching reels,

- you have to make a video… - Wow!

- Amazing! -…and turn it into a reel,

because that's all people watch!

Well said.

That's how you finally break free from reels.

- Brilliant. - Wow.

Only a diamond can cut a diamond.

Bravo!

Before I leave, I'll just say…

"Stay away from the rat race

that everyone calls a trend."

"There's no winner in this race,

we all get tired in the end."

Incredible!

Thank you so much.

Carry on with your Joketantra.

- Thank you, Saral ji. Thank you. - Lovely!

- Wow! - Thank you.

- He's a genius. - My God.

We've touched on some serious topics now.

Sir, we've heard that

for the IAS, when you--

During the UPSC interview, they ask some really odd questions.

- Tricky questions. - Yes.

We got some weird questions too, so I wrote them down

as they seemed unique.

So I want to ask you, sir.

If you ask an upset wife what happened,

and she says, "Nothing,"

how do you find out what really happened?

Well, what I usually do is,

- I probe whatever hint there is. - I see.

Or I say, "If it's nothing, then fine, all is well."

And I just walk away.

If you leave, she'll come

and tell you what it is within five minutes.

Second, if you already know what the issue is,

and she's mad at someone, start praising that person.

Yes.

She'll explode in a few seconds and tell you everything that happened.

Well, that's what I do.

- Wonderful. - To each their own.

Bravo!

Zakir bhai doesn't seem to have experienced that.

I lack the title of marriage, but I've tasted its true essence.

Wow! Wow!

The question is about the experience!

- Answer the question. - If she says nothing,

then I-- Well, I don't have as much experience as he does.

So, I just ask, "What happened?"

You just have to soften them up a bit. "Baby, what's wrong? Please tell me."

"Sorry."

A man should start apologizing early.

"No, it's my fault. I won't do it again."

Then comes a new trick. Not sure if you've experienced this.

- "Don't you know what happened?" - Exactly. That's…

I don't even know what day today is!

What are you saying? Papa would ask-- He's sitting here.

He's been asking me since seventh grade,

"Have you thought about your future?"

I haven't even planned tonight!

- How can I plan my life? - Does he still ask?

My father really regrets that I didn't learn to play the sitar.

"Learning the sitar would've been better."

So when I got back

- from my big, famous tour in the US… - Did you play the sitar?

…there was a sitar at home, so I picked it up.

Papa was shaving.

He stepped out of the bathroom and said,

"You're so talented."

"Had you done a proper job, you'd have achieved global recognition."

I mean…

Man, when you do stand-up,

play the sitar someday too. People would love it. It's like a bonus.

I'm just scared of him, man! Otherwise, I'd gladly do it.

I stayed away from performing in Indore for ages,

scared he might scold me in public.

Like, "Look at Khan sahab's son, cracking jokes!"

You know what, though?

Whenever I perform in Indore

and they put up billboards,

my name is never on them.

They always say, "Khan sahab's son." Because…

- How sweet. - My God!

Because, in that city, I don't think I can ever surpass him.

That's my identity. People just ask, "Is he Khan sir's son?"

So whenever I do a show there,

- it's never Zakir Khan-- - Man, that's a compliment for him.

When a son is known by his father, you know the father is truly great, boss!

Well, he--

Now, I have a question for Tripathi ji's son.

Sir, after talking for hours on end,

when someone asks, "What else?" what do you even say?

Just assume they want your OTP.

They probably want your OTP and phone passcode.

Yeah, hang up right away. There's nothing left to discuss.

Sir, we have a tradition for our audience members.

We give them a chance

to connect with the stars they admire and speak with them.

- Yes, brother. - Hello, everyone. I'm Aditya.

Sir, I have an issue in my life.

I can't seem to stay in one job for long.

I studied computer engineering.

- I see. - Now I'm working in the food industry.

I also like gaming.

I mean, I just can't seem to decide what I want to do with my life.

Can you do embroidery work on dupattas?

Don't look at me when saying that. Ask him instead.

I'm a confused man myself.

I still haven't figured out what to do.

Ahmad Faraz was a poet. One of his lines is very fitting.

Yes, sir.

"Some found their destination the moment they set out,

while some, like us, journeyed on for a lifetime."

- Wow. - Beautiful.

The way I see it, you should try something for a while

and see if you truly enjoy it.

Figure out what you want within a year or so,

or life will pass you by.

- Thank you. - Try pranayama and clear your head.

What if one day you're married

and out with your wife,

and then you see someone else's…

Get it? Don't let it get to that level.

- I have an answer too. - Yes.

Do you have a girlfriend?

No, not right now. Sorry.

Find someone. You'll date for two or three years,

then the marriage talk starts.

She'll ask you what she should tell her family.

Okay?

The pressure will be such that you'll gain clarity instantly.

Pankaj ji, were you confused before getting into acting?

- No. No-- - In your student days?

- I wanted to be a student leader too. - I see.

The police beat me so badly, I changed my mind that very day.

I knew

there was beating involved.

So-- I even worked at a hotel for two years.

While peeling onions and potatoes, I felt my destiny lay elsewhere.

Eventually, I got into acting.

So, these things happen. It's natural. Let it take its course.

Thank you, sir.

- Thank you. Anyone else? - Thank you.

Yes, brother.

- Hello, everyone. Hi, Kapil sir. - Hello.

- Hello, sir. Am I not among "everyone"? - My name--

- My name is Hitesh. - Yes, Hitesh. Welcome.

At home, whenever I ask or suggest doing something, they say,

"Not right now."

If I ask them to buy me a phone, they say, "No. Earn it and save it."

At your age, you're still asking your family for a phone?

- Or if I ever-- - They're totally right.

Or if I say, "Let's buy this car," they'll say, "No, not now."

"Save your money."

So the question is, what's our biggest enemy?

Money or our desires?

You're your family's biggest enemy.

Sitting around…

Sitting around, making demands!

No, sir. I'm involved in our family business too.

But whenever I bring up spending money,

they refuse to hear me out.

- It's all part of the family business. - Yes, correct.

They built it all up.

They…

They let him sit there.

What's your family business?

We're in the wholesale footwear business.

Did your dad ever hurl footwear at you?

It hasn't come to that.

Keep making such demands, and it'll happen soon.

Thank you for coming, Hitesh. Anyone else?

- Hi, sir. Everyone. - Hello.

My name is Avishkar Singh.

Your name is "Avishkar"?

- Lovely name. - Yes, sir.

- Never heard that one. That's new. - Me too.

So, were you born, or…

I have a question for all of you, especially Vikas sir.

You've given so many lectures.

I have one question for you.

As Zakir bhai said, if you want some clarity in life, get a girlfriend.

So, sir, how many attempts do we get to find a girlfriend,

and when should we leave it to our parents?

I seriously think you need one or two breakups.

- The maturity that comes after a breakup… - Yeah.

…will make the next one work.

Absolutely.

And how many attempts before we finally leave it to our parents?

After once or twice.

No, sir, that's just not true.

- Is it because your parents are here? - No, no.

No, no. A lot of my friends talk about this.

They think we completely failed in terms of skill. Okay?

- Sure… - Maybe our parents can find the one.

- Yeah. - Our communication is bad anyway.

Sir made a good point. You need one or two breakups.

After that, you become a lot wiser and get more clarity. But just one or two!

Or your parents will take care of it.

- That's for sure. - Yes.

What if your parents are relying on you?

And you are?

- Come on. - Come on. Give ma'am a mic too, please.

- Are you married? - Yes. I'm here with my father-in-law.

Father-in-law? Your husband didn't come?

Did your husband find you, or did his parents find you?

- Mic, mic! - Turn on her mic, sir.

Who's the guy fixing your mic?

Your in-laws' son?

- Who is he? - No.

She came with him.

Why hold onto her?

If a guy's mic broke, he wouldn't care. But he's all eyes for her!

Yes, ma'am, go ahead.

It's a very family-oriented setting.

We talked, and I found out he's in the sari business.

And yet he wore a T-shirt.

So you made friends sitting here.

- We are. - Yes.

So give him some wisdom.

At a certain age, you realize parents depend on you too.

Did you marry for love?

- Yes, it's a love marriage. - I see.

We were smart. We found out early. You figure it out between 24 and 28.

Bhaisahab, how old are you?

- Twenty-three. - You're just 23?

- Is 24 the theme lately? - Hitesh, what do you do?

- I work as cabin crew. - I see.

Kapil ji, I have something to say too.

Yes?

Give ma'am a mic too.

- Hello, Kapil ji. Namaste. - Hello.

I'm cabin crew.

Cabin crew? Are you with him?

No, no.

Kapil, send a mic there! Sparks might fly.

Oh! Hold on a second!

- What's your name? - My name's Anjali.

- Hi, Anjali. How are you? - Anjali, from Mumbai.

I'm good. How are you?

Okay, so, Anjali, he's cabin crew too.

Yes.

Look, the guy's unique. He's an invention!

So, do you like him?

- Well… - He's desperate enough to say yes.

- Do you like him? - Oh, man!

Now ask him.

The boy's opinion matters.

She has great values.

- Absolutely, sir. - She just said, "Now ask him."

- She's nice, sir. - Marrying him will be so confusing.

Imagine having guests, and she goes, "Avishkar!"

The guests will say, "Not invented yet?"

So, is that a yes from you?

Yes, sure.

Zakir bhai, you gave me this idea. I'm starting a new business.

We do matchmaking here too.

- So, is it a yes? - Zakir bhai, what do I say?

You were so eager just a moment ago.

And now-- Zakir bhai can't even get anyone himself!

Look, your decision may be right or wrong,

but your situation screams yes.

Thank you both so much.

Anyone else?

- Hello, sir. I'm Anuj Kishore Brahman. - Hello. Okay.

Sir, we're all final-year MBBS students.

- Wow, we have doctors here! - So, sir, the thing with us is--

- Educated people are our fans! Awesome! - Doctors.

Huge fans, sir! Really!

- Go ahead. - The thing is, sir, in our profession,

even if we study for the next ten years,

we still can't reach the very top.

And by the time we joined this field,

the market got saturated.

You know, when doctors say their profession is in crisis,

that's actually good news for us!

- No… - It means everyone's healthy.

Genuinely, sir. The thing is, you set up an OPD, then you go there--

It'll be like this for ten years.

Meanwhile, we have other friends

who make and post reels, get subscribers,

get collabs, brand deals,

and make so much money,

while even with quality education,

we'll spend ten years wondering what to do.

MBBS students are getting confused by influencers.

Look, not every influencer makes it. Not every piece of content works.

It's tough there too. Zakir bhai started out on YouTube,

so he can explain it better to you.

The people you know in this field don't necessarily make a lot of money.

You must have seen so many.

The influencers you followed in 2015,

you probably didn't see by 2024.

- Yes. - Yes. They faded away with the trend.

That's the reality of that job.

People in this field have a very high dropout rate.

- Yes. - You only remember those who made it.

At the same time, plenty of unknown doctors are thriving.

- Right, sir. - It's actually counterproductive.

Every path has its bumps. It just looks smooth from where you stand.

The grass is always greener on the other side.

When it comes to him…

Only one in a thousand becomes a superstar on social media.

And…

And there's a special satisfaction that comes from saving a life as a doctor.

Yes, sir, that's true.

We can say we brightened someone's hour or made their day.

But saving a life? That is a satisfaction only you can understand.

Only if you actually save one.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you.

I used to think-- Actually, someone told me

that shows like Kapil's are entirely scripted.

It's all written.

- No way. - Guests get a script beforehand,

which they have to follow word for word.

When I got invited, I thought I'd have to memorize a lot.

- Okay. - Until yesterday, nobody sent me anything.

- I see. - So I asked the team--

Until yesterday, even we had no idea what we were going to do.

Today I nervously asked, "Is there a script?"

That's when I found out it's all done on the spot.

- Indeed, sir. - You've got incredible wit, honestly.

- Thank you, sir. - I mean, you're too good.

Coming from you, a compliment means so much to all of us.

Pay respect!

Behold!

- Mithun! - Attention!

Mithun!

The King of Kings,

Emperor Akbar, approaches!

The one who reached into a lion's mouth

and ripped its jaw right out!

The mighty and valiant king approaches!

The one who…

defeated his enemies and raised his royal flag!

The mighty and valiant king approaches!

- The one who-- - Hey, you!

I can only come if you let me!

It feels like you're stopping me from arrive-ifying!

"Arrive-ifying!"

Arrive-ify me properly.

Arrive-ify me, if you will, or don't arrive-ify me!

I apologize for your insolence, Father!

Sorry. Please proceed.

- Splendid. My lord! - Oh, boy!

Yellow shoes too!

Wow! Magnificent!

What place is this, friends? What kind of court is this?

- Wow. - Whose realm have we entered, Prince?

This is the Sultanate of Netflix!

- Tu-dum! - Yes.

Tu-dum!

And here, a grand court is convened

for The Great Indian Kapil Show.

- The Great Indian Kapil Show. - Yes!

This handsome lad sitting here,

he invites legends here

and engages in conversations with them.

So you converse.

- Yes. - Then what do they do?

They just go "hoo-hoo-hoo" to that.

Wow!

Splendid, splendid!

Carry on, carry on.

Anyway, I can see many guests have arrived here.

- Yes! - Introduce me to them.

Certainly, Father.

In this mighty kingdom,

he stands the shortest of all.

Sprawling in all directions.

Hair sprouts from his ears,

and he snores while sleeping.

Okay?

Why stop there? You might as well tell them where all my moles are!

- Sure, why not? On the left thigh-- - Hey, hey!

- What? - I didn't mean for real!

Spare me, please. Tell me about them.

How would I know where their moles are?

Getting too personal, pal.

I'm not asking about their moles.

Then?

Introduce them. Who are they, and where are they from? Tell me.

Oh, in that sense!

Well…

who doesn't know him?

I don't.

Yeah, I know.

That's why I'm telling you.

The uncrowned king of comedy,

Kapil Sharma, has invited him to his show, so he must be somebody.

He must be somebody.

Oh, now I remember! Have a seat, Zakir Khan.

It's Zakir Khan!

- Zakir Khan! - Yes.

Papa Yaar.

- Yes! - Yeah!

So his papa is your "yaar"?

- No. - Then?

I mean, he has a special on Netflix called Papa Yaar.

Oh, I see.

I saw it.

- I was feeling sleepy. - What?

No, I was feeling sleepy, but watching it woke me right up!

Brilliant. I have to admit.

Let's have a big round of applause for Papa Yaar.

Incredible!

He covers it up so well!

Introduce him as well.

Who doesn't know him?

- I don't. - So I'm telling you.

In the film world,

his neck does all the acting…

leaving everyone amazed!

He's the first actor who doesn't even need dialogue.

That's Pankaj Tripathi ji.

Oh! Pankaj Tripathi, it's you!

I've seen all your films. I'm such a huge fan of yours.

No joke, really. But let me tell you all something.

Today, joining all of you, a truly gorgeous,

delicate lady was also supposed to be here.

- But she didn't come. - Why, Father?

Because he told her,

"O Stree, come tomorrow."

He tells his own jokes and laughs at them himself.

He's both Kapil and Archana rolled into one.

Keep laughing!

Sometimes, funny things just come out.

- Just come out. - Yes.

Anyway, our spies informed us.

See, our acting styles are quite similar.

- Really? - Yes.

So, they suggested I venture into acting as well.

Please do.

Looks like the spies forgot to tell you…

- What? -…he acts by tilting his neck.

And you don't even have a neck to tilt!

Come on, man!

All the heat you're giving me,

put it into cooking biryani instead.

At least I'd get a meal out of it!

Every time I sit down to eat with you,

there's "least" food left!

Vikas ji, you know history well, but you may not know this.

There are stories about me that the world has never heard.

I'd tell you, but praising myself would just sound like bragging.

Prince, regale him with my war stories.

Yes, Father. Come.

Sir, what can I say about him?

You must have heard of the Battle of Haldighati.

He stormed the enemy fort

and scrubbed all the rust in their bathrooms with sandpaper!

Yes!

Keep him in mind for rusty bathrooms and leaky taps!

He gets five hours of work done in ten minutes.

Insolent!

You have angered me greatly.

You shall be punished.

I'll get an elephant drunk and unleash it on you!

No, Father!

No! No!

I don't want you drinking because of me.

No!

What nonsense are you babbling?

Enough of your insolence! You're banished from my kingdom!

Oh, get lost!

Even I don't want any of this, Daddy.

"Daddy"?

- "Father!" - What kingdom?

If the king's son becomes king,

people will call it nepotism and start trolling me!

No way!

Just wait and see. I'll work just as hard as them.

I don't want your throne. Get lost.

You won't get it anyway.

A king's throne isn't merely a seat.

It carries the hopes of the people.

Yes!

And by sitting on people's hope,

you've squashed it flat!

Six inches of hope have shrunk to two.

I get this hope of the people

fluffed up with cotton every week!

He's unbelievable.

Oh, get lost!

I'll have you bound and captive!

That's for the next episode, not this one.

Not just me. You'll be bound to become a girl too!

Just watch.

- Don't be ridiculous, Daddy. - "Daddy."

I'm leaving. Just you wait and watch-- Sir, give me your blessing.

I'll become an IAS officer.

- Jahangir… Jahangir will make IAS. - I…

Just watch.

I'll make IAS.

I'll clear it on my first attempt.

Why are you laughing?

Someone who was born on the seventh attempt…

is claiming to clear the IAS exam on his first!

Making IAS isn't that easy.

It takes hard work and studying.

Out of a million aspirants, only 300 become IAS officers. Did you know that?

Right, sir?

You think I'm scared?

Cancel.

No.

I will do

a Netflix special like Zakir. Just you wait and watch!

- Oh, sure. - Yeah!

It takes a whole year to write a set.

It's a lot of work.

You think I'm scared?

That's canceled too.

Like Pankaj ji,

I'll become a bona fide actor. You'll see!

Twenty years!

Twenty years of dedication and hard work brought him this far.

Now I'm scared.

That's canceled too.

I'm your blood. Why would I work hard?

Look.

Everything's canceled.

Now what will you do?

Now I'll order horses online.

"Order horses online."

Let's go party. There's nothing to see here.

- Shall we? - Let's go.

- We'll take your leave now. - Okay.

- Thank you so much. - The horse is here! Wait.

The horse is here.

A horse?

Let's go, Father!

Let's go.

Let's go.

Come on.

A huge round of applause

for Vikas sir, Pankaj bhai, and Zakir bhai.

Please come, sir.

Man, this episode was so much fun!

It became my personal favorite, sir.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you very much.

Wonderful.

- It's all Vikas sir. - Thank you, Vikas sir.

Thanks so much for coming on the show.

Friends, keep reading books. They make life wonderful.

And even if you don't learn from books, life will teach you.

Keep smiling and keep watching The Great Indian Kapil Show.

The festival of laughter has begun on Netflix!

See you all again next Saturday.

Till we meet again, good night and take care!

Love you all! Thank you so much!

Please welcome on stage the star cast of Yeh Prem Mol Liya.

For the first time,

there are as many people on stage as there are in the audience!

On August 15, 1947, the day our country gained independence,

Rajshri Productions was founded.

As the British left, they handed over the government to Nehru

and the camera to the Barjatyas.

In Hum Aapke Hain Koun..!, during the shoe-stealing scene,

Madhuri and Salman Khan ji chase each other,

and the bed breaks.

That really happened in his life!

The dialogues in Sooraj sir's films are always a hit.

Even his coughs become hits!

You're wrapped in two saris. Who are you?

Who do you think I could be?

Oh, Alok Nath!

All you have to say is, "I make rapchandus films."

- Rap… rapchandus. - Rapchandus… films.

- Listen up, stunners! - Listen up, stunners!

- My… - My rapchandus movie is releasing!

Keep dancing!

Keep dancing!

Keep swaying!

Keep dancing!

Keep dancing!