Original subtitles

We, uh... We have gathered you, our nation's most prominent tech

billionaires. We've got Peter Thiel from Planeteer.

And Sam Altman from OpenAI.

The pleasure and power is all mine.

Excited to be here at the forefront of sitting in this room.

Dario Amadei from Anthropic.

It's very awkward to be here.

And, of course, Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk.

Sup, fam?

CIA. So epic.

Listen, we are here to discuss an extremely sensitive matter of national

security. Well, you have the greatest minds of our time at your disposal. How

can I be of assistance?

America needs you to learn the difference between a woman who would

actually want to have sex with you and a woman who is clearly a spy.

Now...

You all saw how former NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang resigned this week after he was

caught having an affair with an alleged Chinese spy.

What do you think the lesson is here?

Yeah, never date a Chinese woman.

No.

Never date a human woman.

No.

Never date anyone lest they become the Antichrist.

Nope, nope. Peter, you gotta chill with the Antichrist stuff.

Hey, hey, show us some respect. We do a lot for this country.

Name one time technology has let us down.

Uh, yesterday when every plane in America was grounded.

Okay, name one more time.

Uh, the day before that when Microsoft Outlook went dark.

Okay, name one more time.

No, no, I'm done naming times.

Look, I get it. I can't imagine how disorienting this has been for you to go

from these bug-eyed little weirdos to being gods.

I mean, never in the history of our species have people as pale and as

strange as you, A, survived, and B, been given all the world's wealth and power.

Uh, my face when I have all, like, the wealth and power.

Elon, Elon, focus, focus.

Let's start at the beginning, okay? I want you all to picture and think back

the people you dated before you were rich and powerful.

All right? Do you have that in your heads?

Yeah, unfortunate.

Duds. Orb.

He's just like a glowing orb.

Yeah.

Exactly. Now, all of a sudden, someone very beautiful is interested in you. Why

do you think that might be?

Um, because I have a great personality and normal human mannerisms.

Not quite.

Uh, because she's comforted by my metaglasses recording her at all times.

No. Uh, she's using me?

Ah, yes.

For my body? No.

Now, I know you dorks like charts, so let's take a look at this Venn diagram.

Okay.

On this side, we have beautiful women. And on this side, we have people who

would be interested in your shared opinions and interests.

I cannot stress this enough. There is no overlap.

So, if someone is both of these things, they are a what? An angel.

No. They are a spy.

A spy.

And then I'm like, a spy, too, and I'm like, Bond. James Bond. And then the

building behind me explodes, and it's like...

Imagine.

Can I just say, I don't think any of this

beautiful woman stuff applies to Peter and me, seeing as we're gay.

Yes, and we are both bears in the sense that we seem like we've killed a lot of

hikers.

Well, I hope this is obvious, but even though you're gay, you can still be

tricked by a spy.

You know what? Let's start an exercise.

Let's say you're at a bar, and an attractive woman approaches you and asks

you, what are you working on? Dario, what do you say?

Um, I would say, uh, madam, what a pleasure to see you this evening. May I

interest you in an industry secret?

No.

No.

Mark. Um, I would just assume that she wanted to sleep with the man who created

the metaverse, as all women do.

Ah, yeah, but they don't, right?

Let me show you another Venn diagram of beautiful women and people who like the

metaverse.

Sorry, where's the circle of people who like the metaverse? All right, let's

zoom in. Let's zoom in. And boom. Yep, it's good.

All right, you know what?

You know what? Maybe what would help is if I hand it over to someone who learned

this lesson the hard way.

It's me.

It's me, Jensen Hide-Your-Wife Wong.

Ladies, when you invite Jensen over, you know what's about to go down.

The S&P 500.

That's right. I'm into BDSM. Breaking the stock markets.

Fellas, don't be like me.

Remember, women don't like guys like us.

That's how we became guys like us.

But I am like you. You know, we both have, like, cool leather jackets, and we

could be, like, in a biker game. Like, we're both on Holly Davidsons. Go

like...

It's Saturday Night Live with Michael Che!

Mikey Day!

Andrew Dismukes!

Marcelo Fernandez James Austin

Johnson Colin

Jost

Ashley

Padilla

Sarah Sherman.

Eden Thompson.

Jane Wickline.

Featuring Saida Belosagie.

Tommy Brennan.

Jeremy Colhane.

Dan Marshall.

Cam Patterson.

Grace Ryder.

Veronica Slowikowska.

Musical guest, Phoebe Richards.

And your host, John Mulvaney.

Ladies and gentlemen, John.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. It is so great to be back here hosting

Saturday Night Live, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. You know, I've

been doing a lot of work on myself over the past few years, and I've realized

that I am happiest when I'm on television.

And what an amazing time to be in New York. Not quite a holiday, raining, dark

at lunchtime.

You know, this is my seventh time hosting the show.

You know, I used to be a writer at this show, and one of the only difficult

things about working here was dealing with the host.

So it's fun when I host, because it's like there's no host.

I'll tell you something new in my life. I've decided my dad's autistic, and it's

cleared up everything about our childhood.

Have you realized your baby boomer dad is autistic?

He is.

That's why.

all these men in their 70s are on the news now being like, there weren't

autism cases when I was a boy. Yes, there were, you butterfly collecting

freak. It was you.

Do you know how spectrum you have to be to rise to the rank of Eagle Scout?

My little sister and I diagnosed my dad autistic after thinking about it for

more than a minute.

Everything about our childhood made sense. It was like the end of the movie

The Usual Suspects. Just, oh.

the time he shook hands with a baby.

Pleasure to meet you, baby.

My dad once came into my room when I was pretty little. He walks in, he goes, you

have a lot of trash in your garbage can.

I went, fine, I'll empty it. And he went, no, no, just, you know.

He was trying to make conversation.

I was four.

I bet he worked with a therapist on that party starter of a topic.

But don't feel bad for my dad. He thrived on the spectrum.

He did Roman Catholicism and corporate law.

Rules, rules, rules, rules, rules.

He did hostile takeovers of companies in the 90s. He'd walk in there and go, hi,

we own this company now, so if you worked at the old company, you don't

work here anymore.

Also, we own the building now, so if you had a job in the old building, you don't

have a job in this new building, because you don't have a job at this company,

because you don't have a job anywhere.

How come your faces are making water?

Awful lot of trash in these garbage cans, wouldn't you say?

He doesn't know he's autistic. He'll find out right as this airs. Now, your

baby boomer dad's autistic. Your greatest generation grandfather was

definitely autistic.

Remember the way they would talk about that dude? Like, he liked the same

tomato sandwich cut the same way every day.

And if he didn't get it, he'd flip out.

He killed three Germans when he was 19 in World War II, and if he ever brought

it up, he'd go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Back when men were men, unable to speak or make eye contact.

I don't mean to tease baby boomers, but you guys talk a lot of mess about other

generations, so you're getting it back.

Baby boomers, you talk a lot about Gen Z, and everything you say about Gen Z is

actually true of you. It's one-to-one.

They're always like, oh, kids are so addicted to their devices.

Try to take an iPad away from your parents.

Try to take an iPad away from a 78-year-old man.

He'll grip it like a smart gorilla at a good zoo.

And they always go, kids are so toxic online.

Guess what? My mom has three, not one, three friends who have been banned from

Facebook Marketplace.

Four, and I'm quoting the email, hate speech.

In the comments of a furniture item. And it wasn't for sale. It was one of these

giveaway groups.

And it escalated to hate speech.

The biggest critique they make of Gen Z, they're always going, oh, kids are so

sensitive and in love with their emotions.

Okay, do this.

Skip one holiday and then call your mother.

And listen to what a cuck-ass freshman at Wesleyan that woman sounded. All I

wanted was for all of my kids to fly for a little while so they could sleep in

rooms I don't heat well.

So that I could give a weird toast at Thanksgiving where I leave out one of

your significant others on purpose to ruin the weekend. And I was denied that

chance.

Here's a bad transition.

Oh, thank you.

Appreciate it.

Related but not related, I'm a parent now.

I have two children. I have a daughter who's two years old. My son is about to

be five. I roll with a lot of toddlers.

Whenever I'm with my son's four-year-old, five-year-old friends,

whenever I'm with a group of toddlers, art camp, preschool playdates, there's

always at least one little kid who for some reason has a very scratchy or

hoarse voice.

I don't know what to say about this, but it keeps being a phenomenon.

Whenever a few are at my house, there's always one like, do you have water

balloons?

I'm like, do you live alone?

Were you almost reincarnated all the way, old man, but they stopped at voice?

Hi, are you Malcolm's dad?

Did you drive here in a convertible with your mouth open?

What is your day-to-day that you sound like this?

I'm the U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services.

And my... My... My father was a good

man, and I'm a lousy man, but I have same name.

Am I good if I have same name as father?

No, please.

Let me be in charge of your bones and your tummy.

Please allow me to control how your blood feels in your butt and everywhere.

Stop the science.

Robitussin, when taken during menstruation, will cause telekinesis.

This is clear from the pamphlets in my rental car. Cheryl, Cheryl, the

pamphlets.

You know what? I got to say, no, but you know what?

I appreciate it, and it's fun to do all day, but...

No one likes that guy anymore.

It's so funny. What a predicament to be in. I had right-wing friends. They used

to be down with him. No one likes him.

You dumbass, your thing can't be the measles.

That can't be your project, giving people the measles and hoping they like,

hey, did you get the measles?

You did. Did you read the card?

It was from me and Cheryl.

Do you like having measles?

You don't? Oh, no.

Bobby Jr., what have we gotten ourselves into?

Yeah, I called him Bobby.

I've known that dude for over a decade.

You shouldn't be in the government if I've known you for over a decade.

I know some whack-ass people.

He wasn't hard to know. When I first moved to New York, Robert Kennedy Jr.

was like, he was like an environmental lawyer, right? He wasn't really. He

would just join cases late if they were about to be successful.

He'd be like, are you about to win?

I'm part of this, too.

And he had this stupid organization in New York. They're called the River

Keepers. That was his big group, the River Keepers. They were in charge of

keeping the Hudson River in New York City clean.

That was his job. That's how good he is at jobs.

His old job was keeping the Hudson River, whose native fish is tied off,

used condom, clean.

Now he's in charge of all of our tummies.

And every year he had this benefit.

He'd all ask us to do it. Will you come do the River Keeper's benefit?

It's gonna suck again like last year.

We would all go do it. We'd all go bomb every year. One year I'm leaving, this

woman comes up to me and she goes, Robert's gonna call you to thank you. I

was like, don't touch my arm, you know?

I threw garbage in the Hudson on my way out.

I forget he's gonna call me, right? A couple days later, I get off the subway.

I've got a voicemail from an unknown number. I'm like, oh, what's this?

John, it's Bobby.

I was like, whoa, I got butt dialed by the mom from Goonies.

We have a great show for all of you here tonight.

Phoebe Bridgers is here, so stick around.

We'll be right back.

Good evening, I'm Mike Patrick.

And I'm Amanda Front.

Our top story tonight, airline chaos continues after the FAA's nationwide

grounding on Friday.

We've got another holiday nightmare just in time for Thanksgiving as a plane from

Turkey that was stuffed with passengers got burnt in a crash landing.

Now, why would this be the copy?

Very inappropriate.

We go now to our very own Sansa Grant, live at the scene of the crash. Sansa?

Thanks, Amanda.

I'm here on the tarmac where Air Turkey Flight 971 overshot the runway.

Luckily, it appears everyone survived, but passengers were shaken. I'm here

with one now who appears to have already received medical treatment from the

EMTs.

Yes. Yeah.

From the EMTs. That's why I have the bandages. It's not from what I was doing

in Turkey.

Okay, and could you describe what happened?

Sure. Uh, basically, we had a rough landing, and all of a sudden, the backs

of everyone's seats just caught fire. The flames were jumping headrest to

headrest. That's why my head is bandaged, and that's the only reason.

Because of the crash and because of the fire.

I see the flames didn't burn your whole head.

Yeah, just the crown and the widow's peak. The sides are good. The sides were

always good, but...

Doctors said they're confident that in six to eight weeks, I should be able to

wear a hat in public. And come summer, I could go to a wedding and no one will

ever ask me about it. I mean, you know, the crash and the injury.

Uh, well, I'm glad to hear that. And what were you doing in Turkey?

Say again for me?

Uh, why were you in Turkey?

Oh, uh... guitar school or visiting a friend. I was seeing a friend at guitar

school. These are the questions you have? I mean, I'm going to be

traumatized for weeks. I won't be able to sleep unless I'm upright on a wedge

pillow alternating between Motrin and Tylenol. Back to you. Oh, you don't

have... No, you don't have to say that. But thank you so much, sir.

So there you have it. A scary scene here at Newark.

EMTs are only arriving now, which begs the question, how that man was bandaged

already? Okay.

There was a doctor on the plane. He was a very good man. He died bandaging us.

Where's his body?

We ate it, so it's gone. There's no body, so the story holds. Back to you.

No, you don't have to say that.

Obviously, a lot of confusion, and people are still piecing together what

happened. Oh, here comes another passenger now. Looks like he's inhaled

some fumes. Sir, sir, how are you feeling?

I'm okay.

It was just scary more than anything.

I mean, to have such a beautiful trip end in such an awful way.

What made you want to visit Turkey?

I've wanted to go since I was probably 25, 26.

Yeah, that's when I first started noticing that I wanted to go to Turkey.

Did something happen to your lips?

Say again for me?

Your lips. Did something happen to them?

Oh, um, yes.

Unfortunately, some...

Bees swarmed the plane, Sully style.

I think those were geese.

Why are you, like, nitpicking?

Bees just slammed into our plane, and most of us had the tops of our heads

burned and not the sides.

Okay, thank you, gentlemen.

I think I see the pilot on the way in. Sir, sir, what happened? What happened

up there?

Unfortunately, this is a result of air traffic control being understaffed, and

not due to the sharp, blinding pain that I was experiencing in the cockpit.

No, no, hey, hey, no, no.

Come on, man.

Come on. Don't do that.

Well, I have you, and we're live, right?

I just want to say to certain women in my life that things are going to be very

different from now on.

About two inches different. Okay.

My baby long.

My baby long. Thank you.

So sorry to interrupt, but will this be affecting outbound flights to Turkey?

It's essential.

I make my flight. I have a high school reunion coming up. I need to make it.

Okay, yes, all Turkey flights coming in and out of the airport have been

grounded. Oh, my God.

the site again 248 people on board strangely only six were women uh here's

one now yeah i just want to say i am not like all of these other guys my hair

didn't catch on fire i actually absorbed the culture in turkey and this is a

devastation

but on the scene, showing up for his fellow New Yorkers.

All

right,

thank you for that report, Sansa. Very scary stuff. Very scary, Sansa. And in

completely unrelated news, I would like to announce an eight-week leave of

absence. I will be going to Turkey for guitar school.

Did you take your meds today?

Oh, I... Well,

I don't quite remember.

My dad means the world to me. So when I noticed him start to slow down, I knew I

needed to get him the best care possible.

I didn't want to put him in a nursing home, but a private health aide could

cost thousands a week.

I didn't know where to turn.

That's when I heard about... Sister.

Sister is a live-in 24-7 elder care provider that is completely free and

also your sister. Now I don't have to worry about Dad getting the care and

attention he needs because my sister will do it, and I can get back to my

life and the stuff I like to do. I love my mom more than anything.

That doesn't mean I want to help her in the bathroom.

Sister doesn't either, but she will, whereas I won't.

That's the sister difference.

And signing up couldn't be easier.

No applications, no insurance forms. Simply text DADFELL to sister, and she

will quit her job, break her lease, and move halfway across the country to take

care of him. Dad, I'm here.

Here's how it works.

First, years of internalized sexism warps Sister's brain into thinking

caretaking is her responsibility and somehow not yours.

Next, your text arrives, instantly activating her. And that's it. You're

done for life.

See you at the funeral.

I used to get overwhelmed by my dad's medications, not Sister.

She doesn't get confused by that stuff at all. Or if she does, she hasn't

brought it up to me because I haven't asked.

Whatever your aging loved one needs, sister will provide, including talking

to doctors on the phone, talking to insurance companies on the phone,

talking to pharmacists on the phone. Speak to human.

Speak to human.

And being talked to by dad.

You're gaining weight. Dad!

And since your parents' will predates their dementia, using sister won't

change your inheritance.

You'll still get 50% of the house she's currently depleting.

I like that.

Sister even brought me closer to my dad by giving us something to bond over

during my infrequent visits.

She won't let me eat salt because she says it keeps me up. What?

Hey, he can have salt.

No, he can't. His blood pressure. What's her problem? She's a bitch.

So if you've got an aging loved one, ask Sister to ask your doctor if Sister is

right for you. Sign up now and we'll throw in Sister's husband, whether he

likes it or not.

I just don't see why we have to upend our lives. Because he's my dad, that's

why. Okay.

Sister, from the makers of you.

On December

5th, Amanda Seyfried and musical guest, John Tulliver.

God, it's nice to get out of the office. These budget reports have been killing

me. I know, man. This hard cider is really hitting the spot.

Ooh, that looks good. I just got a boring gin and tonic. Hey, a drink's a

drink, am I right? You are right.

You are right.

Are you talking drinks?

What?

I'm doing a fishbowl.

Oh, my God.

Kathy's here.

Did someone tell her we were coming here after work?

No, of course not.

Does this mean we have to invite her over? No.

I wish there was another way to say this, but she is the worst person on

Earth. It's gonna be worse. Y'all see this thing?

Yeah, Kathy, we see it.

Yep. Enjoy it, Kath.

Good night. Be well.

Oh, I'm gonna be well, all right. I'd share with y'all, but I mixed in a dose

of my antibiotics.

Don't worry.

Not contagious.

I got a hot red tick bite on my butt from some jeans I tried on at a yard

sale. So to get the full dose, I gotta finish the whole dang thing.

It's got Sprite, my meds, pineapple chunks, couple of toys.

But don't worry, no booze in it. Drinks a total virgin.

Unlike me. Hey, who said that? I did. Stop talking!

Oh, Dave.

Don't scream at her.

Yeah, let's just try to ignore her and maybe she'll forget we're here.

Yes. Deal?

Hey, nothing can ruin my night if one of you does karaoke.

Oh, come on, man. I can't sing. Okay, I'm doing it, but I'm singing Choose in

Texas. Oh, yes!

We talking tunes? Oh, my God.

Don't engage.

We talking tunes?

Are we being mean?

No. She is being mean by being here.

We talking tunes? Yes, Kathy.

We're talking tunes. Marty.

Marty, no. I love music. I was never really into it until I got my

grasshopper. I'm addicted to this thing. Four buttons, gray screen, and loaded

with every single song in the world.

They got all the hits. They got this one.

They got this one.

They got this one. It's called Chimes.

Big chimes, though.

Oh, they do have big chimes. Oh, but I don't think they have chirping birds.

Oh, they do have chirping birds. Those are ringtones. Why don't you go to hell?

No, she's awful. She's just awful.

Yeah, we know.

It's okay. It's not okay. It has to stop.

If we give her zero, then she will go back to her stupid fishbowl so the next

time she talks, we say nothing.

Promise? Yes. Yeah, we promise.

All right, thank you. Uh, so...

What's everyone doing for Thanksgiving?

Oh, well, I was going to fly to Michigan, but now with all the airplane

stuff, I think I should just drive.

Ooh, you could do anthrax. Oh, nice.

Yeah, I love the train. We talking transpo?

We talking transpo?

No one say anything.

We talkin' transpo?

Pretend that she doesn't exist.

We talkin' transpo?

See? Okay, she's losing steam. She's almost done.

We talkin' transpo?

I don't know. That one sounded stronger to me.

We talkin' transpo?

Trust me, I think that was the last one.

We talking transpo?

Has anyone tried fighting her?

No, we can't fight Kathy.

What?

We talking transpo?

Why not? There's four of us and there's one of her.

No.

We talking transpo?

Okay, let's fight her. Okay, great.

After the next one, we take Kathy outside and we kick her ass.

What's happening?

I don't know.

Did she leave?

Maybe she met someone.

Don't be an idiot.

Kathy!

Did you leave?

Wow! All right, well done. We did it. We did it. Oh, my gosh.

We can finally relax.

I just want to make double sure. We talking trash.

Hi,

I'm Chris Gutt, and welcome

to Getting It Done, the show where I visit small businesses to see how they

get it done. Today, we found ourselves in Rhode Island at Stone Throw Brewery

to check out some of their mouth-watering IPAs. So get ready to get

brewed.

First up, we met with Stone Throw Brewery's brewmaster himself, Kenny

Pastrone. Well, here we are in the tasting room with brewmaster Kenny.

Great to meet you, man. Likewise, Chris Gutt. What do you have lined up for us

today, Kenny? So, we have a flight of our four famous autumn IPAs, including

my favorite, the Hazel Skipper. Wow-wee!

Delicious! I think so, too. And, you know, we brew these immediately after

the summer harvest. Well, here's to health, happiness, and a little bit of

hops. I'll drink to that.

Now this is the beer of the century.

This guy is a legend.

One more? One more.

Eddie, those IPAs were un-beer-lievable, and I am feeling quite buzzed. That is

the fermentation at work.

Well, should we see how these ales get brewed or what? Sounds all right to me,

Chris. All right. All right.

All right.

Stone Throw Brewery has been brewing for over 65 years.

Also, that was my first gay experience.

So, let's head over to the fermentation tanks and try to figure out what the

heck that kiss even was. So, Brewmaster Kenny, these are the fermentation tanks,

huh?

Yeah.

And with the tanks, do, uh, what, what, do, do, what, what, what? Where?

Brewmaster Kenny is a man of few words, which is absolutely devastating at a

time like this. So let's never talk about it again as we head to the storage

room. So, Kenny, tell us a little bit about the storage room. It's where we

keep the kegs. Right on. And what the heck was that kiss back there? I don't

know. We had four IPAs. We're doing stupid stuff.

Rockin'. Um, rockin'. Uh, probably just... cold or something

keep this jacket in here

why

does

it have to be you chris cut what the hell is going on

it's crystal clear that stone throw bruce are top notch but when it comes to

me and kenny I am completely lost.

Why does it have to be you? Why do you say that? And what could it possibly

mean? I decided to head to the warehouse to figure it all out.

So this is our warehouse.

Where's Kenny? Um, he said he had to think.

So our busiest month is probably October. Can you just shut up for three

seconds? After yelling into the face of a woman, I realized I was in way too

deep. Some of these beers don't have labels, and maybe nothing should. Did

the alcohol make me do it?

Or allow me to do it. Time to clear my head in the tasting room.

Room Master Kenny?

I should go.

Wait. What?

I don't know.

I don't know either.

Well?

What do you say?

Should we give this a shot?

I think so.

All right.

All right.

Well, turns out it was the beer. We hung out sober one day, and it was, like,

nothing. Oh, well, see you next week on Getting It Done.

Ladies and gentlemen, Phoebe Bridger.

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.

Well, the FAA suddenly and mysteriously grounded all U.S. flights yesterday.

Oh, thank God, a different news story, said Jensen Huang.

Thousands of flights were canceled.

Tens of thousands of flights have been delayed.

Well, well, well, suddenly ferry transportation...

Yeah, suddenly it's looking

pretty reliable.

The scary thing by far about all these flights getting grounded was the

messaging from the normally dependable Trump administration.

First, they said it was a telecommunications outage as of now.

Which, why add as of now?

No one wants to hear, your child is safe as of now.

Then, Secretary of Transportation Sean Duffy said the whole situation was the

result of a contractor... upgrading copper wire to fiber optic cable. So one

guy switched out one wire and took out all planes?

I think that's literally a scene from the movie Airplane.

After... after the FAA... grounded all flights on Friday, DHS Secretary Mark

Wayne Mullen tried to calm fears by saying, this is not a 9-11.

Which he knew because Rudy Giuliani didn't see his shadow.

Espionage experts are saying that NVIDIA CEO Jensen Wong's affair with an alleged

spy is an example of a honey trap, which is when a beautiful woman is used to get

close to an unsuspecting target. The technique is called honey trap.

because it was invented by a pimp named Honey Trap.

Jensen Huang agreed to testify before Congress about his extramarital affairs.

Anything to avoid going home.

The Jensen Huang sex scandal has sent Nvidia's stock tumbling, which is

scaring financial experts, since Nvidia's chips are powering the AI boom

that is propping up the entire U.S. economy, which means Jensen Huang had a

midlife crisis so bad... you might lose your house and his divorce.

I like you.

Insiders are also saying that despite President Trump's claim that he didn't

know about the Nvidia CEO's relationship with a Chinese spy, he was actually

briefed about it on a trip to China in May. So this concludes yet another game

of...

Turns out it was a trick question. It's always both.

President Trump said in an interview that before he leaves office, he wants

to topple Cuba's communist regime.

But I don't know. Dude can't even topple America's communist regime.

President Trump has pulled J.D. Vance from peace negotiations with Iran, which

was actually Iran's only demand.

A lawsuit has been filed to stop President Trump's triumphal arch, saying

it would obstruct the clear sight line from the JFK Memorial to the Lincoln

Memorial. But something tells me those two aren't big fans of clear sight

lines.

Mm-hmm.

Next week, Joe Biden will release a memoir about his time as president.

Oh, so now he remembers his time as president.

Scott Cologne was declared the winner of the Mississippi Senate race.

Defeating the incumbent Cindy Hyde-Smith. Or, as it was reported in

Mississippi, black man savagely beats white woman.

A new report shows that Secretary of State Marco Rubio has used a private

military jet to fly to watch his son play in University of Florida football

games, costing the government over $1 million.

And Rubio better be careful, because if there's one thing Trump won't stand for,

it's being there for your son.

Senate Democrats are investigating whether Health Secretary Robert F.

Kennedy Jr. lied to Congress about his reasons.

for a 2019 trip to Samoa. It's been reported that Kennedy went to Samoa to

spread doubt about vaccines, even though Kennedy told Congress, and I quote...

Pretty

good impression, right?

Put me in the cast, Lorne!

This week, a judge in England sentenced... This week, a judge in

England sentenced a prison to 10 years of Russell Brand.

Jordan Hudson is suing Airbnb hosts for allegedly leaking doorbell cam footage

showing her ex-boyfriend Bill Belichick shirtless.

And this is interesting. Everyone who has seen the video of Belichick

shirtless has died within seven days.

Stanley Zabar, co-owner of the famed New York eatery Zabar's, has died at the age

of 94 after his number was finally called.

Police in Long Island are searching for a man who broke into a gas station and

stole more than $1,500 worth of cigarettes.

Papa?

Pharmacists are warning women not to follow a new social media trend in which

they place an allergy pill in their vaginas. Unless you actually have a nut

allergy.

Makes you think.

Well, tonight is our last show before we break for Thanksgiving. Here to send us

off with an original Thanksgiving tune is our very own Tommy Brennan.

Oh, hi, Colin.

Thanks for having me. Of course, Tommy. So you want to sing us a Thanksgiving

song? Absolutely, yeah.

Thanksgiving's my favorite holiday.

You know, it's three days of turkey, family, and your mom giving you tragic

health updates about people you've never met.

So I figured I'd write a little Turkey Day tune about the people that make

Thanksgiving really special. You know? I hope you guys like it.

I've been home for 20 seconds, barely stepped inside when my grandma asked me

if I'll have kids before she dies. Happy Turkey Day.

I see my uncle pour whiskey in his Heineken Zero as my grandpa yells out,

Chris Columbus was a hero. Happy Turkey Day.

My aunt has a boyfriend for the very first time, and on Instagram, I see he

has two kids and a wife. Happy Turkey Day.

I walk in on my uncle in the bathroom, and I say, oop, sorry, that's my bad.

But for the rest of the night, I'm haunted by the fact that his penis looks

just like my dad's. Happy Turkey Day.

He was fully naked, too, my uncle.

Yeah, why?

I don't know. I think he overate, was trying to cool off.

My grandma brought some cookies, and she swears they're a hit. But they're

Eastern European, so they taste like really bad.

Happy Turkey Day.

After dinner, you just want to sit on the couch and watch football on TV.

But your grandpa has boycotted the NFL since Kaepernick took a knee.

Happy Turkey Day.

Still? Yeah.

Happy Turkey Day.

Well, I mean, there's got to be some positive things that happen on

Thanksgiving, right? Oh, yeah, for sure. Like, uh, last Thanksgiving, my sister

came out.

which we think is A-okay.

Yeah, lovely shit.

Only problem, as it turns out, you can still be mean if you're gay.

Happy Turkey Day.

She's super mean to me, Colin.

Oh, wow, I'm sorry. Did your sister really come out at Thanksgiving?

Yeah, and it rocks, okay? Because my dad, this is a true story, my dad had

gone to bed, so he found out last.

And he tries, like, really hard with this stuff, but he doesn't get it. He

doesn't know how to talk about it. So the next morning, he walked into the

kitchen, kissed my sister on the forehead, and said, your mother filled

me in on your situation.

And then he left the house.

Happy Turkey Day.

Sing it with me, Colin. Happy Turkey Day.

Everybody, come on.

Happy Turkey Day.

There you go girl, eat up.

You'll need your strength, and so will I.

Can you believe they passed a ban on horse-drawn carriages in New York City?

And for no reason at all, except animal cruelty and human murders.

Excuse me, sir. Is this your horse? Why? Are you a lawyer for that little girl?

She provoked the horse.

What? No, we just wanted to get a ride.

You want a horse to pull you in a carriage?

Yeah, we thought it'd be a fun way to see Central Park.

You just trust me implicitly. You do realize I have a top hat and a whip,

right? It's fine. We just wanted to travel at the speed of walking, but the

entire time I smell horse poop.

Very well.

Climb aboard, won't you? Both of you, please.

Yes. As we journey into The Little Park of Horrors.

Look around.

Can you believe this wonderland is real?

But for me and Blackie, and don't worry, it is racial, this could be our final

voyage. I'll miss you. You're my special girl.

Speaking of special girls, who's that pale, sweaty woman in shorts and a cape?

Uh, why, that's woman who's still finishing the marathon.

Don't tell me not to run. I'll do it slower.

Been at this...

week and i'm nowhere closer don't tell me to go home and rain on my parade

look at my cape sir guess i didn't earn it

a race route yes i'll never learn it i'll talk about my splints until next

summer close down all the

We should have put her earlier.

Oh, wait. What's that noise?

It sounds like something's blasting Kesha's Greatest Hits. Dear God, it's my

bitter enemy, a pedicab.

That's right.

And without horse-drawn carriages, pedicabs will have no natural predators.

It's time for a John Henry-style showdown in song.

Anything you can hit, I can hit better. I'll hit pedestrians harder than you.

No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I can. No, you can't. Yes, I

can. Yes, I can.

I can hit a tourist right into the forest.

I'll take you to the MoMA, put you in a coma.

I've got a hundred unpaid fines. Do you follow signs?

No. Neither do I.

Anyone you can hit, I can hit harder. I'm louder and faster and on the

sidewalk. All right.

Scram, pedicab. Scram. Get out of here. You can only avoid my wheels for so

long.

Does anyone feel like New York has like a post-apocalyptic vibe

right now?

Why don't you ask the evangelical vagrant spreading a message of peace in

the most violent tone ever?

Jesus will save you!

He will find you!

He will save you!

So help me, God!

Why are you avoiding eye contact? Jesus loves you. I love you. I love you. Hey,

what's that in the sky?

Is that smoke from the Canadian wildfires? No.

It's the pervasive cloud of weed that covers all of Manhattan.

The visiting tourists have something to learn from the thick wall of guns that

will make your eyes burn.

And we all say, oh, well, I never know. I fear I'll be high

forever. I smoked with a 30-watt Christmas tree.

It's a plant.

So it's like kissing my sister.

But I thought that New York was finally turning around thanks to its new mayor.

No, no, no.

Mentioning the mayor just summoned a Park Slope cuck. And he came to

Manhattan via manhole.

Mom Donnie, I just met a boy named Mom Donnie.

And suddenly I see the...

But don't look now. It's his rival, a billionaire who's furious about the pied

-a-terre tax, even though it in no way affects him.

will soon be Sharia.

And suddenly we find the internet has fried our minds.

He's the car solution to every problem.

Sir, I think we'd be more comfortable just retreating back to New Jersey. No,

no, I can't take you to Jersey. I owe child support in Hoboken.

He's in a car.

We're just gonna take the Lincoln Tunnel. Not if Mary Todd Lincoln Tunnel

has anything to say about it.

And I am telling you,

you're...

Cause it's your fault that you drove and that you live in New Jersey in the first

place. No, no, no, no way.

No, no, no, no way. It's taking less than two hours.

Gonna be more like four hours or five or six hours.

And it won't be for free.

I'm saying, I'm saying.

and you you're gonna

straight again.

But is it true, mister?

They're really banning horse-drawn carriages in New York City?

Well, listen, it's a complex transportation issue.

We talking transpo?

We talking transpo?

If the band really does go through, then I guess you could say... This is the

ending of the age of the eggless.

Inactive horses have...

Stone is a god.

Yeah, that is one cold brother, Jack. Man, I'm so high off this grass, man.

Anyone want a toast?

Pass it here, Woodstock.

Hey,

when we get older, I think we should buy all the houses.

What's that, Wiley? Us, our generation, the baby boomers. When we get older, I

think we should buy as many houses as we can get and just, like, have them.

Kind of weird, man, but whatever, let's groove, man. Yeah, turn on and drop out.

Also, we should have all the money.

No, man, no, money is evil. No, no, totally, I completely agree. That said,

I feel like we should get as much of it as we can and then just, like, have it.

Kind of like we're doing with the houses.

I mean, our whole thing is about generosity and sharing. Oh, absolutely,

absolutely. But I feel like in 15 years, like 1985 or so, we should do a 180 and

become ruthless corporate climbers, absolutely fetishize money in an almost

pornographic way. Far out, right?

No, far in.

That sounds awful.

Yeah, stop talking about the future and just enjoy the moment, man.

Anybody want a doobie? Oh, absolutely.

Thanks. Hey, we should scare our kids about this stuff.

Oh, come on. What? About weed? It's harmless. No, no, I know it. I love it.

That said, I feel like in 1985, hey, there's that year again. Feel like it's

gonna be a big year for us. We should tell our kids if they smoke weed even

once, it'll ruin their lives.

And not just weed.

Everything.

What do you mean, everything?

Everything we do, drugs, casual sex, soda, baloney, everything we should

enjoy, we tell our kids that it will kill them stone-ass dead.

Ah, if we're gonna scare our kids about anything, it should be hard drugs, like

speed. No, we should make our kids do speed.

What's Ritalin Adderall? We just shove it down their throats their entire

childhood so they can get into college.

Yeah, but it's easy to get into college, man. You just go to the registrar and

pay the 50 bucks.

Oh, we should change that a lot.

Why would we do any of this, man? I just think 1985 is gonna happen, and we're

all gonna start making money and eating sushi, and that's just how it'll be.

What is sushi?

I don't know, but I think it's raw fish you dip in liquid salt.

Man, you are freaking me out, Wally, man. Just enjoy the music, man. Totally,

totally.

should be Republican.

No!

You're saying we're gonna be Republican, have all the money in houses, and scare

our kids about everything that feels and tastes good?

I don't know, but yes.

Well, our kids are gonna hate us.

Yeah, man, for real, but at least they'll get all our money and houses

when we die.

That's the other thing. I don't think we should die.

I think we should. Also, last thing. Even though it's cold and we can't hear

any of the bands and we're standing in mud and feces, I think we should say

this concert was, like, incredible and life-changing.

I can dig that. I dig that.

I can.

Once again, Phoebe Bridgen.

When you dress like a girl An

angel in the snow

Accident prone

You left

your suitcase by the

to know you could go whenever you wanted

and i'm out on

my feet but i'm still standing

at the top of the stairs turning

I found her bleeding over the sink

But when you said sorry,

you were looking at me I

can't

I just didn't think it was so

My thanks to Phoebe Bridgers, Bowen Yang,

all the cast members, the writers, Mr.

Simon Rich, everyone here on the crew. This is the best week I've had in a long

time. Happy Thanksgiving.