Original subtitles

Talk to.

Where is

where is

Who's done the hair cut?

Miss?

Young lady.

Excuse me.

Girls.

Hey, hey, little girl.

Hey.

Excuse me, girls.

Girls.

Take the wedges.

Hey, hey, hey.

Please, little girl.

I'm here.

Excuse me.

Come on down here.

Ma'am.

Ma'am.

Hi.

Hey, son.

Son.

I just bought that.

Big ma'am.

Hey, hey, hey.

Little guy.

Little guy.

Pete's brother and his family are here.

I'm going to Montreal.

Montreal?

Uh-huh.

Oh, that's right.

Her family's there.

When do you leave?

Oh, you're not ready, are you?

Mom, Uncle Frank won't let me watch the movie, but the big kids can.

Why can't I?

Kevin, I'm on the phone.

When do you come back?

Don't tell them.

He's not even reading our.

He's just being a jerk.

Kevin, if Uncle Frank says no, then it must be really bad.

No one ever in the dog put in the cannon for the...

Hey, hey, hey.

Get off.

Kevin, out of the room.

Hey, up the phone and make me white, aren't you?

That's good.

Okay, did you buy any chance to pick up a voltage adapter thing?

No, I didn't have time to do that.

Well, how am I supposed to shave in France?

Grow goatee.

Dad, nobody let me do anything.

You don't have anything to do?

I got something for you to do.

You can pick up those micro-machines that are all over in there.

Aunt Leslie stepped on one of them and broke her neck.

He was in the garage again playing with the glue gun.

Didn't we talk about that?

Did I burn it down the joint?

I don't think so.

I was making ornaments out of fish hooks.

My new fish hooks?

I can't make ornaments out of the old ones.

They're dry worm guts stuck on them.

Peter.

Come on, Kevin.

Out.

Peter, Kate, do you guys have a voltage adapter?

Here, here's a voltage adapter.

You're kidding, have you?

Go pack your suitcase.

Pack my suitcase?

Do you know where the shampoo is, Fuller?

I don't live here.

I don't believe in a house with this many people.

There's no shampoo.

Pardon me, are your parents home?

Yeah, but they don't live here.

Tracey, did you order the pizza?

I did.

Excuse me, miss.

Are your parents here?

My parents are in Paris.

Sorry.

Hi.

Hi.

Are your parents home?

Yeah.

Do they live here?

No.

No.

Why should they?

All kids, no parents.

Probably a fancy orphanage.

I don't know how to pack a suitcase.

I've never done this once in my whole life.

I'm not a fool.

That's what Megan said.

What did I say?

You told Kevin Tuff.

The dope was whining about a suitcase.

What am I supposed to do?

Shake his hand and say congratulations, you're an idiot.

I'm not an idiot.

Oh, really?

You're completely helpless.

Everyone has to do everything for you.

She's right, Kev.

Excuse me, Pew, put some a lot smaller than you.

I don't know how to pack a suitcase.

Hey, I hope you didn't just pack crap, Jeff.

Shut up, Lenny.

Do you know what I should pack?

Well, as told, your cheek face.

Toilet paper and water.

Listen, Kev, what are you so worried about?

You know mom's gonna pack your stuff anyway.

You're what the French call les incompetents.

What?

Bombs away!

P.S., you have to sleep on the hide-of-bed with Fuller.

If he has something to drink, he's gonna wet the bed.

This house is so full of people.

It makes me sick.

When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone.

Did they hear me?

I'm living alone!

I'm living alone!

Who's gonna feed your spider while we're gone?

He just ate a whole load of myskets.

He should be good for a couple weeks.

Is it true that French babes don't shave their pits?

Some don't.

But they got nude beaches.

Not in the winter.

Buzz?

Don't you know how to knock phlegm-wide?

Can I sleep in your room?

I don't wanna sleep on the hide-of-bed with Fuller.

If he has something to drink, he'll wet the bed.

I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass.

Check it out, old man Marley.

Who is he?

You ever heard of the South Bend shovel slayer?

No.

That's him.

Back in 58, he murdered his whole family and half the people on the block.

But the snow shovel.

Been hiding out in this neighborhood ever since.

Well, if he's a shovel slayer, how come the cops don't arrest him?

Not in the evidence to convict.

They never found the bodies.

Everyone around here knows he did it.

Now, it'll just be a matter of time before he does it again.

What's he doing now?

He walks up and down the streets every night,

salting the sidewalks.

Maybe he's just trying to be nice.

No way.

See, the garbage can't fall as salt.

That's where he keeps his victims.

The salt turns the bodies into mummies.

Yeah!

Look out!

How are your kids doing, huh? Good.

Lot of action around here today, huh?

Going on vacation? Where you going?

You hear me or what?

Going on a trip?

You hear me?

You hear me?

You hear me?

You hear me?

You hear me?

You hear me?

You hear me?

You hear me?

You hear me?

Going on a trip?

Where you going, kid?

Okay, that's $122.50.

Not for me, kid. I don't live here.

Oh, you're just around for the holidays?

I guess you could say that.

Hey, the pizza's here!

That's $122.50.

Oh, it's my brother's house. He'll take care of it.

Hey, listen, uh...

Hi. Hi.

Are you Mr. McAllister?

Yeah.

The Mr. McAllister who lives here?

Yes.

Oh, good, because somebody owes me $122.50.

I'd like a word with you, sir.

Am I under arrest or something?

No, no, no, no, no.

It's Christmas time.

There's always a lot of burglaries around the holidays.

So we're just checking the neighborhood

to see if everyone's taking the proper precautions.

That's all.

Oh, yeah, well, we have automatic timers for our lights,

locks for our doors.

That's about as well as anybody can do these days, right?

Do you get some eggnog or something like that?

Come on, Dad.

Let's see.

Hey, hey, no.

Pizza! Pizza!

Listen, are you believing, uh...

Pizza!

Brad, be something to have, Ken,

and you're gonna have to pour your own drinks.

Mom, the samples have to go through customs.

What time do you have to go to bed?

Early. We're leaving the house at 8 a.m. on the button.

I hope you're all drinking milk.

I want to get rid of it.

Hey, don't you get too much.

All right, the pizza boy needs $122.50 plus tip.

For pizza?

Ten pizzas times 12 bucks.

Frank, you got the money, don't you? Come on.

Travellers checks.

Look at it, Frank. We have cash.

You probably get the kind of travellers check

that don't work in France.

What kind of that?

Did anyone order me a plain cheese?

Well, yeah, we did.

If you want any, somebody's gonna have to barf it all up

because it's gone.

Fuller!

Go easy on the Pepsi.

I'll get you some.

Get a plate.

Passport! Watch it!

No, no, no. The passport's out of here.

Get the food in your head.

Come here.

You all right?

Stop!

What does the matter with you?

He started it.

He ate my pizza on purpose.

He knows I ate sausage and olives and onions.

Look what you did, you little jerk.

Kevin, get upstairs right now.

Why?

Kevin, you're such a disease.

Shut up!

Kevin, upstairs.

Say goodnight, Kevin.

Goodnight, Kevin.

Now it's for dinner.

Brother's such like we don't know.

What do I want to get treated like skunk?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

This house is just crazy.

We've got all these extra kids running around.

My brother-in-law drove in from Ohio today.

It's just nuts.

How come I need to bring more cheese pizzas?

Nice tip. Thanks a lot.

Thanks.

Kevin, a reunion or something?

Oh, no. My husband's by the transfer to Paris last summer.

And both of his kids are still going to school here.

And I guess he missed the whole family.

He's giving us all this trip to Paris for the holiday

so we can be together.

You're taking a trip to Paris?

Yes. We hope to leave tomorrow morning.

Excellent. Excellent.

If you'll excuse me, this one's a little out of sorts.

I'll be right back.

Don't worry about me.

I spoke to your husband already.

And don't worry about your home.

It's in good hands.

There are 15 people in this house. You're the only one who has to make trouble.

I'm the only one getting dumped on.

You're the only one acting up. Now get upstairs.

I am upstairs, dummy.

The third floor?

Go.

It's scary up there.

Don't be silly. Fuller will be up in a little while.

I don't want to super-full. You know about him.

He wets the bed.

He'll pee all over me. I know it.

Fine. We'll put him somewhere else.

I'm sorry.

It's too late. Get upstairs.

Everyone in this family hates me.

Then maybe you should ask Santa for a new family.

I don't want a new family. I don't want any family.

Families suck.

Just stay up there. I don't want to see you again for the rest of the night.

I don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life.

And I don't want to see anybody else either.

I hope you don't mean that.

You'd feel pretty sad if you woke up tomorrow morning and you didn't have a family.

No, I wouldn't.

Then say it again.

Maybe it'll happen.

I hope I never see any jerks again.

I wish they would all just disappear.

I wish they would all just disappear.

I wish they would all just disappear.

Where are you?

I'm not sure.

Peter!

We slept in!

Hi, I'm Mitch. I live across the street.

You guys going out of town?

We're going to Orlando, Florida.

Well, Ashley, first we're going into Missouri to pick up my grandma.

Do you know the McCalsers are going to France?

You know if it's cold there, do these vans get good gas mileage?

Gee, kiddo, I don't know. Hit the road.

Heather, do a head count. Make sure everyone's in the van.

Where are the passports and tickets?

I'll put them in the microwave to dry them off.

How fast does this thing go?

Does it have automatic transmission?

Does it have four-wheel drive?

Look, I told you before, kid, don't bother me. Now beat it.

Line up in front of the van.

My battery's running.

Line up and shut up.

Shut up.

I got to take a head count.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven.

Okay, half in this van, half in this van.

Have a good trip. Bring me back to the French.

There's no way on earth we're going to make this plane.

It leaves in 45 minutes.

Think positive, Frank.

You be positive. I'll be realistic.

Ma'am, excuse me, I just wanted to let you know that your power is fixed.

But the phone lines are a mess.

I'm going to take my bell a couple of days to patch them up,

especially when it's a holiday.

Thanks.

Heather, did you count heads?

Eleven, including me.

Five boys, six girls, four parents, two drivers,

and a partridge and a paratree.

Music.

Light of all the ring.

You know you're the mastermind.

Run, run the Rudolph.

Randolph, make your guard behind.

Run, run the Rudolph.

Diana's got to make it some town.

Santa making berry-challon.

He can take the freeway down.

Run, run, you little...

Heal it like a merry-go-round.

Hold it quick.

Did we miss the flag?

No, you just made it.

Yeah!

Take whatever's free.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Run, run, you little...

Run, run, you little...

Heal it like a merry-go-round.

You get her in the coat, we're in town.

You see, you have to buy the ENB.

I'll take your coats.

Thank you.

Fasten your seatbelts, please.

Champagne, please.

It's free, isn't it?

It's free.

It's free.

It's free.

It's free.

It's free.

It's free.

It's free.

It's free.

It's free.

It's free, isn't it?

Oh, yes.

We made it.

You believe it?

I hope we didn't forget anything.

What are you doing out of costume?

What are you doing out of costume?

Now get back in business.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I thought you were outside the door.

You're outside the door.

This is intoxicating.

Oh, no!

Yes, Mr. Spirical.

How could you allow me to get into this?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Raz, you salt...

Ma, can you bring his sugar?

That's right.

Ma, yeah, thanks.

I know, right?

I suppose you're right.

Momma, I got a lesson...

That's real. That's real crystal.

It's real.

Put them in your purse.

Put them in your purse.

Put them in your purse.

Put them in your purse.

Uh, yeah, uh, fill it up. Fill it up. Fill it up, please.

Thank you.

Don't you feel like a heel-flying first class with all the kids back in coach?

No, the kids are fine.

The only flying I ever did as a kid was in the family.

I was in the family.

We used to have to go over to Aunt Lauren's uncle Arthur's house.

The kids were okay. They had them on their lives.

Hello?

Mom?

Dad?

Mom?

Dad?

Mom?

Dad?

Mom?

Dad?

Mom?

Dad?

Where are you guys?

Buzz?

Buzz?

Buzz?

Thank you.

Hello?

Hello?

Rod?

Uncle Frank?

He's just a joke.

Megan?

Leni?

Is this a joke?

No, no, no.

It's all in my imagination.

All in my imagination.

The cars are still here. They didn't go to the airport.

I'm sorry.

I made my family disappear.

Kevin, you're completely helpless.

No, Kevin, you're with the French call, les incompétents.

I'm going to feed you to my tarantula.

Kevin, you are such a disease.

There are 15 people in this house

and you're the only one who has to make trouble.

Look what you did, you little jerk.

I made my family disappear.

No!

No!

I'm free!

No!

Wow!

No clothes on anybody.

Sick of it.

Cool, firecrackers.

I'll save these for later.

Buzz, I'm going through all your private stuff.

You better come out and pound me.

Buzz, your girlfriend.

Woof.

Can we harm you from now on?

Have your meal, mercury man.

Must surely come be with us again.

I will take you to his restaurant soon.

I'm going to go see him tomorrow,

no surprise, no surprise.

Bilba.

The

money

are

It's me, Snakes. I got the stuff.

Leave it on that doorstep and get the hell out of here.

All right, Johnny. But what about my money?

What money?

AC said you had some dough for me.

That effect. How much do I owe you?

AC said 10%.

Too bad AC ain't in charge no more.

What do you mean?

Guys, I'm eating junk and watching rubbish.

You better come out and get some.

He'll call you when he gets out.

Hey, I tell you what, I'm going to give you, Snakes.

I'm going to give you to the count of 10

to get your ugly, yellow, no good keester up my property

before I pump your guts full of lead.

All right, Johnny, I'm sorry. I'm going.

One, two, ten.

I'm going.

I'm going.

One, two, ten.

Keep that change, you filthy animal.

Mom!

What's the matter?

Honey?

I had a terrible feeling.

About what?

That we didn't do something.

Now you feel that way because we left in such a hurry.

We took care of everything, believe me, we did.

Did I turn off the copy?

No, I did.

Did you lock up?

Yeah.

Did you close the garage?

That's it. I forgot to close the garage.

That's it.

No, that's not it.

What else can we be forgetting?

Kevin!

Kevin!

No!

The captain's doing all he can. Your phones are still out of order.

We'll call as soon as we land, Kate. I'm sure everything's okay.

It's horrible.

Just horrible.

How could we do this? We forgot him.

We just missed Callan.

What kind of mother am I?

It makes you feel any better. I forgot my reading classes.

Five families gone on one block alone.

They all told me for their own mouths.

It's almost too easy.

Check it out. All the houses with nobody home

have automatic timers on their lights.

I got it all figured out. Watch this.

Number 664 will be going on right about...

now.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Number 672...

right now.

Wait, wait, wait.

Number 671...

now.

And that's the one, Marvin. That's the silver tuner.

It's very G.

G, huh? It's loaded.

It's got lots of top-flint goods,

stereos, VCRs.

Probably looking at some very fine jewelry.

Possible cash hoard, odd marketable securities.

Who knows, Mr. Jam?

Maybe a crowbar.

Crowbar's up.

You're a writer, Mr. Grinch.

You're the king of thin, for spots.

You're a hearts of dead tomato swast

with moldy purple spots, Mr. Grinch.

You're a three-decker sauerkraut close to sandwich.

Which way?

Go around back down the basement. Come on, follow me.

I thought you said they were gone.

We're supposed to leave this morning.

Let's get out of here.

Attention, please.

We have to use the phone, please.

I'm sorry, it's an emergency. We really have to make a call.

Please, our brother's home alone.

Give us the phone.

Thank you.

Peter, I'm going to call the police. Why don't you book us a flight home?

Get some change out of here. Call everybody you know.

Oh, Leslie, here's my address book.

Call everybody who lives on our street. Maybe somebody can help us.

What am I doing? Hello? Hello? Hello?

I'll shut the call you back.

This is ridiculous. Only a whimper would be hiding under a bed.

That can't be a whimper. I'm the man of the house.

Hey, I'm not afraid anymore.

I said I'm not afraid anymore.

Do you hear me? I'm not afraid anymore.

I'm not afraid anymore.

Village police, Cartman.

I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone.

Our phones are out of order, so I'd like somebody to go over to our house.

Tell them we're coming home to get him.

Okay, let me connect you with Family Crisis Intervention.

No, it's not a Family Crisis.

Hold on.

Larry, can you pick up? There's some lady on hold. Sounds kind of hyper.

What line, Rose?

Two.

Family Crisis Intervention Sergeant Balzac.

I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone.

Has a child been involved in a violent altercation with drunk and endow a mentally ill member of his immediate family?

No.

Has he been involved in a household accident?

I don't know. I don't... I hope not.

Has a child ingested any poison and or any other object that has become lodged in his throat?

No, he's just home alone.

And I would like somebody to go over to the house and see that he's all right, just to check on him.

You want us to go to your house just to check on him?

Yes.

Let me connect you with the police department.

No, they just transferred me to you.

Rose! Hyper on two.

Hold on, please.

No, please don't hang up. Please.

Any luck?

No.

I couldn't get anybody.

Leslie?

I'm sorry, Kate. Nothing but a bunch of answering machines.

Somebody pick up.

Pick up!

Oh, hi, ma'am. It's you again.

Yeah, hi.

I'm calling from Paris. I have a son who's home alone.

And I...

Okay, okay. Will, send a policeman over to your house to check on your son.

There's no one home. The house looks secure.

I'm the counter-kid again.

In for it.

I can't believe that you can't bump somebody or ask somebody or free...

I'm sorry, but there's no way I can do that.

What is in their way? Like, if you ask somebody?

I mean, if you brought somebody up here and you explained to them that this is an emergency...

I can't believe that I cannot ask somebody...

Just sending a policeman over to the house to check on Kate.

That's unbelievable. Everything here is booked.

There's nothing to Chicago.

I'm sorry, but I can't believe that you can't bump somebody or ask somebody or free...

I'm sorry, but there's no way I can do that.

Everything here is booked.

There's nothing to Chicago?

There's nothing to Chicago, New York, Nashville, you name it. Everything's gone.

What about a private plane?

No, I'm sorry. We don't do that.

The only thing they have is a booking for all this on Friday morning.

Friday morning? That's two days away.

Look, honey, kids are exhausted. You are exhausted.

There's absolutely nothing more that we can do in this airport.

Now, I said we go over to Rob's and that way we can call the police again.

And they can get back to us.

Peter, Kevin is home all by himself. I'm not leaving here unless it's on an airplane.

By then, we are doing everything we can.

Now, if you want to stay at the airport, maybe we can get you on standby.

It is a possibility that the seat will open up.

Is that okay?

Yes. All right.

There will be ringing the glare, glare at noon.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, what a Christmas to have a blue moon.

You get lost.

Please come home for Christmas.

Please come home for Christmas.

Cause I'll be happy Christmas once again.

I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap,

including all my major crevices, including in between my toes and in my belly button,

which I never did before, but sort of enjoyed.

I washed my hair with the Don't Flume in the Shampoo.

I used green leaves for that just wash shine.

I can't seem to find my toothbrush, so I'll pick one up when I go out today.

Other than that, I'm in good shape.

Ahhh!

No.

No.

Woah!

No.

No.

All right. Voice is life savings.

I thought the Murphy's went to Florida.

You know, you wanted a great cat burglar's in a world, Mark.

You think you could keep it down a little in there, huh?

Hi, I'm recent Murphy's. Please leave a message after you hear the beep.

Chuck, this is Peter McAllister again, and we're still in Paris at my brother's apartment.

Let me give you the number here, okay?

The country code is 33.

The area code is 14.

And the number is 694-876.

Hey, Harry?

Yeah?

That house we were at last night, was that the McAllisters?

Yeah.

You're right. They're gone.

I knew they were so virtuoso tonight.

Wow.

How may I help you?

Is this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?

Well, I don't know.

It doesn't say, hun.

Can you please find out?

Herb!

Yeah?

I've got a question here about a toothbrush.

I'll ask you a question.

Do you know if this toothbrush approved by the American Dental Association?

I don't know.

Well, I hope you're not too worried about it.

My name is

my

wife,

and

this

this

this

Just tell me oh.

Fine. You pay for that here.

Wait son you have to pay

for that toothbrush.

That sun 강!

Hey, Jimmy, stop that boy.

Hey! Hey!

Shoplifter!

Hey, hey, kid!

Come back here!

Stop it, will ya?

Come here!

Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

Here you go!

Yeah!

I'm a criminal.

What's so funny?

What's so funny?

What are you laughing at?

You did it again, didn't you?

You left the water running, didn't you?

What's wrong with you? Why do you do that?

I told you not to do it.

Harry, it's our calling card.

All the great things you've done,

you've done it all for yourself.

You've done it all for yourself.

You've done it all for yourself.

You've done it all for yourself.

Calling card.

All the great ones leave their mark.

We're the wet bandits.

You're sick, you know that.

You're really sick.

Not sick.

That's a sick thing to do!

We don't need that money.

Don't tell me what to do, okay?

I can do it if I want to.

Hey, watch out!

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

You gotta watch out for traffic, son, you know?

Sorry.

Sandy, don't visit the funeral home, little buddy.

Okay, okay.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

What's the matter?

I don't like the way that kid looked at me. Did you see that?

You ever seen him before?

I saw a hundred kids this week.

Let's see what house he goes into.

I'm sorry.

Why's he going faster?

I told you something's wrong.

Sandy, we looked at him weird. Why would he run?

Maybe we're in the church.

I'm not going anywhere.

Me neither.

Let's get out of here.

When those guys come back,

I'll be ready.

Did they come back?

Iris.

I'll come back tomorrow.

Maybe they'll be gone by then.

You better get out of here before somebody sees us.

No.

Frank, close up for later.

Frank.

Do you speak English?

Parley, Anglais.

What is it?

I mean, it's...

I'm Balsang, keeper, Anglais, La.

Did you get anybody?

I'm looking for my son. Do you know where he is?

No, I can't find anybody at their home.

They're all gone shopping.

Nobody's home for the holidays.

Never mind. Forget it.

This is so pointless.

What?

We're here rotting in this apartment.

Kevin's at home. Mom's at the airport.

So?

You're not at all worried about Kevin.

Why should I be?

He's acted like a jerk once too many times,

and this time he caught it in the butt.

He's so little and helpless.

Don't you think he's flipped out?

The little trout can use a couple of days in the real world.

You're not at all worried that something might happen to him.

No. For three reasons.

A, I'm not that lucky.

Two, we have smoked a few days.

I'm not that lucky.

Two, we have smoked detectors.

And D, we live in the most boring street

in the United States of America.

We're nothing even remotely dangerous.

We'll ever happen.

Period.

Who is it?

It's Little Nero, sir. I have your pizza.

Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell out of here.

Okay.

Um, what about the money?

What money?

Well, you have to pay for your pizza, sir.

That effect.

How much do I owe you?

I'm not going to pay for it.

I'm not going to pay for it.

I'm not going to pay for it.

I'm not going to pay for it.

I'm not going to pay for it.

What effect?

How much do I owe you?

Uh, that'll be 1180, sir.

Keep that change, you filthy animal.

Cheapskate.

Hey, I'm going to give you to the counter ten

to get your ugly,

yellow, no good keester up my property

before I pump your guts full of lead.

One, two, ten.

A lovely cheese pizza, just for me.

To Dallas, Fort Worth.

Mary God, Erna and Scotsel.

A designation for the Dallas...

So we have the $500, the pocket translator,

the two first class seats.

That's an upgrade from your coach.

Is that a real Rolex?

Do you think it is?

No.

But who can tell? I also have a ring.

Oh, that is beautiful.

Come on, Irene, they're boarding.

Oh, this gal has offered us two first class tickets

if we go Friday.

Plus a ring, a watch, a pocket translator.

$500.

And the earrings, you love the earrings.

She's got her own earrings,

a whole shoebox full of nut dangly ones.

No, but...

I'm desperate.

I'm begging you,

from a mother to a mother, please.

Oh, Ed, please.

Oh, all right.

Here's how to close. I got a little sister last year.

This year, I'd rather have some clay dough.

I didn't mean it.

If you come back,

I'll never be painting the boat again.

I promise.

Good night.

I'm dreaming.

I'm dreaming.

Oh, I'm...

Christmas.

With a very Christmas car.

Right.

Oh, thank you.

May I just...

May I just be married,

and bright.

Dan, I need a price check on three thousand yen.

The number is from you.

If you can, please. Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, there's a microwave dinner.

Is any good?

I don't know. I'll give them a whirl.

I'll give them a whirl.

For the kids.

Hold on. I got a coupon for that.

It was in the paper this morning.

Nineteen eighty-three.

Okay.

Are you here all by yourself?

Ma'am, I'm eight years old.

You think I'd be here alone?

I don't think so.

Where's your mom?

My mom's in the car. Where's your father?

He's at work.

What about your brothers and your sisters?

I'm an only child.

Where do you live?

I can't tell you that.

Why not?

Because you're a stranger.

I'm a stranger.

Shut up!

I don't get it.

I mean, right now it looks like there's nobody home.

Last night, the place is jumping.

Something ain't right.

Go check it out.

Now?

No. Tomorrow. Get now!

Get ahead!

Shit.

Get the hell out of here.

All right, Johnny.

What about my money?

What money?

AC said you had some dough for me.

That effect. How much do I owe you?

AC said ten percent.

Too bad AC ain't in charge no more.

What do you mean?

He's upstairs taking a bath.

He'll call you when he gets out.

Hey!

I tell you what I'm going to give you, Snakes.

Snakes.

I'm going to give you to the count of ten

to get your ugly,

yellow, no good keester off my property

before I pump your guts full of lead.

All right, Johnny. I'm sorry.

I'm going. One,

two, ten.

Keep that change, you filthy animal.

Hey!

What happened?

I don't know who's in there, but somebody just got blown away.

Huh?

Somebody beat it to the job. They're in there.

Two of them.

There was arguing. One of them blew the other one away.

Who?

I don't know. I thought I recognized one of their voices.

And I know I heard that name Snakes before.

Snakes?

Snakes. Snakes.

I don't know no Snakes.

Snakes.

I don't know what I'm going to hear.

Hold it.

Hold it. Let's wait and see who it is.

We work this neighborhood too.

Yeah.

Supposing a cop's finger was for a job

and they start asking us questions about a murder in the area.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a face to go with their questions?

That's a good idea.

Of course it's a good idea.

Snakes.

You sound like a snake.

Snakes.

Snakes.

Everything's full.

Everything's full.

I'm very sorry, but it is Christmas Eve.

What about another airline?

Nothing available.

May I help you get a hotel room in the city?

Tomorrow afternoon we can get you a flight to Chicago.

I can't wait that long.

I'm terribly sorry ma'am,

but we're doing absolutely everything we can.

Go ahead.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me, you have places to go.

I've got a ticket there.

I have been awake for almost 60 hours.

I'm tired and I'm dirty.

I've been from Chicago to Paris to Dallas to...

Where the hell am I?

Scranton.

I am trying to get home to my 8 year old son.

And now that I'm this close, you're telling me it's hopeless.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no, wait.

This is Christmas!

The season of perpetual hope.

Ma'am, if...

And I don't care if I have to get out on your runway in Hitchhike.

If it cost me everything I own.

If I have to sell my soul to the devil himself.

I am going to get home to my son.

Ma'am, if there was anything at all I could do for you today...

Do it. Do anything.

I can get you a hotel room.

What? Excuse me.

Can you excuse us for a second?

Can I see you for a second, please?

Yes, of course.

Help me.

Good now, but here in your...

You got a little bit of a dilemma there.

We got a crisis ourselves.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Gus Polinsky.

Paul Kulking of the Midwest.

Did the Kenosha kickers?

Hi there. How are you?

No. That's okay.

I thought you might have recognized.

I had a few hits a few years ago.

That's why I...

Polka, polka, polka.

Polka, polka, polka.

No. Twin Lakes Polka.

Damavujie Polka.

Kiss Me Polka. Polka Twist.

Well, these are songs.

Yeah. Yeah, we...

Some fairly big hits for us.

You know, in the early 70s, you know.

Yeah, we sold about 623 copies of that.

In Chicago?

No, Sheboygan. Very big in Sheboygan.

I'm sorry. Did you say you could help me?

Anyway, I'm Dan Rainwin.

Our flight was canceled.

So we got a drive.

So, you see the guy in the yellow jacket over there?

By the budget sign, he's gonna rent us a nice big van.

And we're gonna drive to Milwaukee.

Now, I heard you had some problems.

You're, uh, getting to Chicago?

See your kid or something?

Uh, my son, he...

We left and he... he's there.

Oh, jeez. If you have to get to Chicago,

we'd gladly drive you. It's on the way to Milwaukee.

You'd give me a ride?

Sure we will. Why not?

You know, you gotta get home and see your kid.

A ride to Chicago?

Sure. Yeah, it's Christmas time.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

You don't mind going with some polka-bums?

No, I'd love to.

Hey, Mark. Mark.

Mark? Huh?

Look at this.

I think we're getting scammed by a candy gun.

Oh, dear.

Dad, can you come here and help me?

Can you help me?

Remember that kid we saw the other day?

He lives here.

Well, if the kids there, the parents gotta be.

He's home alone.

You gotta be kidding me. You wanna come back tonight?

Even with the kid here?

I don't think that's a good idea.

Look, that house is the only reason we started working this block in the first place.

Ever since I laid eyes on that house, I wanted it.

So let's take a one-step look on it, okay?

We'll unload the van, we'll get a bite to eat, we'll come back about nine o'clock.

This way it's dark then.

Yeah.

Kids are scared of the dark.

You're afraid of the dark too, Mom. You know you.

No, I'm not.

Not, not, not.

You are so...

Mom, where are you?

Excuse me.

Yeah?

Hey, nice shoes.

Oh, thanks.

Is he still here?

He's really in the middle of the night.

I've got to go and get him.

Okay.

I'll see you in a bit.

I'll see you in a bit.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, I'll see you in a bit.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Okay okay, I'll see you in a bit, okay?

Mom?

Bye.

Bye.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Okay, bye.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Just out of curiosity.

I'm old enough to know how it works.

All right.

But I also know that you work for him.

I'd like you to give him a message.

Shoot.

I'm Kevin McAllister, 671 Lincoln Boulevard.

Do you need the phone number?

No, that's all right.

Okay, this is extremely important.

Would you please tell him that instead of presents this year,

I just want my family back.

No toys, nothing but Peter, Kate, Buzz, Megan, Linney, and Jeff.

And my aunt and my cousins.

And if he has time, my uncle Frank.

Okay?

Okay.

See what I can do.

Thanks.

Wait, hold on a second.

My elf took the last of the candy canes home to her boyfriend.

That's okay.

No, no, no, don't be silly.

Everybody sees Santa's gotta get something.

Here, pull out your little paw there.

There you go.

Don't spoil your dinner.

I won't.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

May I sit down?

That's my granddaughter up there.

That's a little red-haired girl.

She's about your age.

You know her?

No.

You live next to me, don't you?

Yeah.

You can say hello when you see me.

You don't have to be afraid.

There's a lot of things going around about me,

but none of it's true.

Okay?

Been a good boy this year?

I think so.

Where do we sit?

Where do we sit?

No.

How do you feel?

This is the place to be.

You're feeling bad about yourself.

It is?

I think so.

Are you feeling bad about yourself?

No.

I've been kind of a pain lately.

I've said some things I shouldn't have.

I really haven't been too good this year.

Yeah.

I'm kind of upset about it because I really like my family.

Even though sometimes I see you don't.

Sometimes I even think I don't.

Do you get that?

I think so.

How you feel about your family is a complicated thing.

Especially with an older brother.

Deep down, you always love them.

You forget that you love them.

And you can hurt them and they can hurt you.

And that's not just because you're young.

You want to know the real reason why I'm here right now?

Sure.

I came to hear my granddaughter sing.

And I can't come in here tonight.

You have plans?

No.

I'm not welcome.

At church?

Oh, you're always welcome at church.

I'm not welcome with my son.

Years back, before you and your family moved on the block,

I had an argument with my son.

How old is he?

He's grown up.

We lost our tempers.

And I said I didn't care to see him anymore.

He said the same.

We haven't spoken to each other since.

If you miss him, why don't you call him?

I'm afraid if I call him, he won't talk to me.

How do you know?

I don't know.

I'm just afraid he won't.

No offense, but aren't you a little old to be afraid?

You can be a little old for a lot of things.

You're never too old to be afraid.

That's true.

I've always been afraid of our basement.

It's dark. There's weird stuff down there.

And it smells funny, that sort of thing.

It's bothered me for years.

The basements are like that.

Then I made myself go down there to do some laundry.

And I found out it's not so bad.

All this time I've been worrying about it.

But if you turn on the lights, it's no big deal.

What's your point?

My point is you should call your son.

What if he won't talk to me?

At least you'll know.

Then you could stop worrying about it.

And he won't have to be afraid anymore.

I don't care how mad I was.

I talked to my dad, especially around the holidays.

I don't know.

Just give it a shot for your granddaughter anyway.

I'm sure she misses you and the presents.

I sent her a check.

Where's my grandparents?

They always show me clothes.

Last year I got a sweater with a big burr knitted on it.

Oh, that's nice.

Not for a guy in the second grade.

You can get beat up for wearing something like that.

Yeah.

I have a friend who got nailed because it was a woman

who wore dinosaur pajamas.

You better run along home where you belong.

You think about what I said.

All right?

Okay.

It's nice talking to you.

Nice talking to you.

What about you?

Me?

Yeah. You and your son.

We'll see what happens.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

This is my house.

I have to defend it.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

We'll check it out first.

We can always come back for the truck.

How do you want to go in?

We'll go to the back door.

Maybe he'll let us in. You never know.

Yeah. He's a kid.

Kids are stupid.

Bless his highly nutritious Michael Wade

with macaroni and cheese dinner

and a peephole so he's in on sale. Amen.

This is it.

Don't get scared now.

Merry Christmas, little fella.

We know that you're in there

and that you're all alone.

Yeah. Come on.

Can't open up.

It's Santa Claus

and his elf.

We're not going to hurt you.

No, no.

That's nice presents for you.

Be a good little fella now

and open the door.

Ah!

Shoot!

What?

What?

What?

What happened?

Hello.

Yes!

Yes!

The little jerk has armed!

That's it! That's it!

I'm going on the front. You get on the basement.

Ah!

Ow!

Ow!

That's so weak.

Ah!

Ah!

Ow!

That's it, little...

You lose.

Oh, this crap.

You little rascal.

Ah!

You're a little...

You're a little...

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

You're turning fools around.

You're a little...

Ah!

You're a dead kid.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ow!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Jump!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ha ha!

Where are you, you little creep?

Harry!

I'm coming in!

Ha ha!

Oh no, I'm really scared.

It's too late for you, kid.

We're already in the house.

We're gonna get you.

Okay, come and get me.

Who are you?

Now you're dead!

I'm gonna kill that kid!

Harry!

Morph!

Where'd you take your shoes off?

Why the hell you dressed like a chicken?

I'm up here, you morons!

Come and get me!

Ah!

You guys give up?

Or you're thirsty for more?

Head up!

Ah!

Don't worry, Morph.

I'll get him for you.

Harry!

Ow!

Ah!

Yes!

He's only a kid, Harry.

We can take him.

Ah, shut up.

What is it?

Your teeth.

Where?

My galtines.

I'll kill him!

You found me with one more can, kid!

And I'll snap up your cahones

and boil them motor oil!

I'm on one emergency.

My health's been robbed.

My address is 656, Lincoln Boulevard.

My name's Murphy.

Watch it. He never knows what's up there.

There he is!

No!

No!

Ah!

I got him! I got him, Harry!

I got him!

Get out of here!

Harry, get up! Give me a hand!

Ow!

I got him!

Harry, help me! Get up!

I got him!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

What are you doing, Marv?

Harry, don't move.

Marv?

Don't move.

Marv, what are you doing?

Marv.

I... jeez!

So fervent!

I got him!

I got him!

Where is it?

Where is it?

Never mind it again!

How do you know?

Never mind it again!

How do you like it, huh?

Get that kid, bro!

Get that kid!

Ah!

Ah!

Oh!

Oh, you're kidding me!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Where did he go?

Maybe committed suicide.

Down here, you big-corsed ass!

Come and get me before I call the police!

Let's get him!

Wait, wait.

It's just what he wants us to do.

He's to go back downstairs through his funhouse

so we can all tore up.

He's gonna call the cops!

He's not calling from a treehouse?

Come on.

The window?

Yeah.

Not going out the window?

Are you scared, Marv? Are you afraid?

Come on, get out of here.

Come on.

Come on!

Let's go back, Harry!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Shut it, Marv!

Hey, guys.

Check this out!

Go back!

Go back!

Ah!

No!

No!

There you go!

Yes, I'm right here!

No, wait!

No.

There he is!

Hey, I'm calling the cops!

Wait, wait, wait.

He wants us to follow him.

I got a better idea. Come on.

I am proud to be outsmarted you this time.

Get over here.

What are you gonna do to him, Harry?

I'll do exactly what he did to us.

I'll burn his head.

I'll burn his head.

Smash his face with an iron.

I can slap him right in the face with a paint can.

There's seven nails through his foot.

First thing I'm gonna do is bite off every one of these little fingers, one at a time.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Come on. Let's get you home.

Come on. Let's get you home.

Ah!

This is great.

Nice move. Always leaving the water running.

Now we know each and every house that you've hit.

Hey, you know, we've been looking for you two guys for a long time.

Yeah. Now remember, we're the wet bandits.

Wet bandits.

Shut up!

Come on.

The edge of the head, pal.

Come on.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

Let your heart be moved.

From now on, your troubles will be out of sight.

Through the years we all will be together.

The fates allow.

Hang your shining star upon the highest bow.

And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

I'm a bad parent. I'm a bad parent.

You know, you're beating yourself up there.

This happens. This thing happens.

Tell me, you want to talk about bad parents?

Look at us.

We're on the road 48, 49 weeks out of here.

We hardly see our families.

Joe over there.

Gosh, he forgets his kids' names half the time.

Ziggy over there. He's never even met his kid.

Eddie.

Let's just hope none of them write a book about him.

Tell me, have you ever gone on vacation and left your child home?

No.

But I did leave one at a funeral parlor once.

Yeah, it was terrible too.

I was all distraught and everything.

The wife and I, we left the little tyke there in the funeral parlor all day.

All day. We went back at night when we came to our senses.

There he was. Apparently he was there alone all day with the corpse.

He was okay, you know, after six, seven weeks.

And I came around and started talking again.

But he's okay. You know, they get over it.

Kids are resilient like that.

Maybe we shouldn't talk about this.

You brought it up. I was just, you know, trying to cheer you up.

I'm sorry, Eddie.

I'm sorry.

Mom!

Mom!

Mom!

Mom!

Kevin!

Kevin!

Kevin!

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

Okay, but I'm so sorry.

Where's everybody else?

Maybe they couldn't come. They wanted to somewhere.

I didn't fall asleep in the back of the cabin.

You did, didn't you?

I spit!

Come on, you're all right.

Kevin! Kevin!

Kevin! Kevin!

Oh, it's good to see you.

Ah, you're all right.

I love you.

You okay?

Hey, Kev.

It's pretty cool that you didn't burn the place down.

Kids, get that stuff out there.

Thanks, Buzz.

Wait a minute. How did you guys get home?

Oh, he took the morning flight.

Remember the one you didn't want to wait for?

Oh, no.

Oh, thank you. Merry Christmas.

Okay.

Someone has to find an open store. We don't even have milk here.

I went shopping yesterday.

You? Shopping?

I got the milk, eggs, and fabric softener.

I got the milk, eggs, and fabric softener.

I got the milk, eggs, and fabric softener.

No kidding.

What a funny guy.

Who else did you do while we were away?

Just...

...hung around.

You guys, put yourself upstairs.

Are you in shopping?

He doesn't know how to tie his shoes.

He's going shopping.

Honey, what's this?

I'm sorry.

Kevin!

What did you do to my room?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

What's this?

No.

No.

What's this?

No.

What's this?

No.

Why is this?

Oh, no.

Why?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.